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I'm gonna get a divorce,
and you'll be out of that apartment by 7:00.

Ann, will you wait a minute?

What's the matter? What's the matter?

Ann left me. She's gonna get a divorce.

Hey!

Is this what chemistry professors drink?
What is this?

It's alcohol, benzaldehyde and dextrose.

You got any more classes today?

All right, what happened?

Ann walked in here unexpectedly
and caught me.

- Caught you with whom?
- With a student.

What were you doing?

I was kissing this girl.

Kissing?

- That's all you were doing?
- That's all.

What kind of kissing?
All tangled up on the couch?

Oh, no. No, we were standing
in the middle of the room.

Dressed? Both of you? Either of you?

Well, of course we were dressed.
What's the matter with you? Are you crazy?

You kiss a dame without locking the door
and you call me crazy?

Well, how did I know
this girl was gonna kiss me?

Oh, she kissed you?
Jumped you from behind?

Mike, she kissed me first.

When Ann came in,
you were pushing her away.

When somebody kisses you,
you just don't stand there.

Of course not. Common courtesy.

Mike, Ann's gonna divorce me.
Our life together is over.

Don't get panicky.
A woman saying she'll get a divorce

and a woman getting a divorce
are two different things.

Mike, Ann's not like any other woman.
She's insanely jealous. You don't know her.

Hey, this got a Scotchy taste
with a vodka undertone.

Why don't you market it
and call it "Scotchka"?

- Hey, I got a lot of work to do.
- You can't go without helping me.

She won't leave you for kissing a student.

But you don't know her, Mike...

- Well, answer it. It's your wife.
- Yeah.

- Hello.
- Hello. This is United Airlines calling.

- Mr. Wilson?
- Yes, this is Mr. Wilson.

- What?
- Well?

Thank you.

It was United Airlines confirming
Mrs. Wilson's space to Reno, Nevada,

leaving tonight at 9:00.

Reno? Hey.

Now do you believe me?

That's outside the rules.

- I can't lose her. I love her.
- Yeah, I know that.

- Then help me.
- How?

You're a writer.
You write all those TV shows.

- Invent a reason why I was kissing that girl.
- Invent?

Show Ann she was wrong. Show her
she was mistaken with what she saw.

Mike, she has a reservation to Reno.
Think of something.

- I got a lot of work to do...
- Mike! Mike, you're my buddy.

Well...

- I'll never forget you for this.
- You're not out of the woods yet.

Yes, I am, and once you've decided
to help me, I know I'm all right.

You wanna know why? Because
you're a genius. That's what you are.

You know those TV shows of yours?
They're just wonderful.

They're clever and touching, and they...
And they're really true-to-life.

And they point a moral, besides.

I try to make them that, you know.

And it's interesting
that you should notice the moral.

Yes, you can see it.

You know, we get thousands of letters
from moralists, people in jail, dope addicts.

- It's a real cross-section of American life.
- Well, wonderful. Wonderful.

And I...

Mike, we haven't got much time.

Ann told me
to move out of the apartment by 7:00.

That's only three hours.
That's not much time.

Yeah, but I know we can do it, Mike.
I'm sure we can.

I mean, you can do it.

Yeah, but what have we got to go on?
I mean, who are the characters?

What do they do for a living?

Well, I'm an assistant chemistry professor
at Columbia University.

I've been employed here now
for the past six years.

Does it help you if I talk like that?

- I'm also in charge of student admissions.
- Student admissions.

Now, that girl...
That girl that was kissing me,

she wanted to be transferred
from a morning class to an afternoon class.

She's a foreign exchange student.

I did it, and she was grateful.

Foreign exchange student?

One's mine. Mike, that's 90 proof.
Are you sure you're gonna be able to think?

I can think lying down. Now, let me see...
Ann, Ann.

- What does she do?
- She's my wife.

- Housewife.
- Yeah, that's right.

- Overemotional. Over-impulsive.
- Oh, yes. That's what she is.

You hit it right on the head.
Everything's extreme with her.

When she gets an idea in her head, she's...

Mike, shall I turn the radio on?
Would you like a little music?

You got something? No.

Overemotional, impulsive...

Mike! Mike, Mike. What is it?
Have you got something?

- Well, have you? Mike, talk to me.
- I got something.

You do? Well, what is it?

It'll take a lot of acting on your part.
Sincere acting.

Mike, I'll be sincere, and it won't be acting.

- You ready?
- Yes, ready. Go ahead, shoot.

- You know why you were kissing that girl?
- No. Why?

'Cause you're working for the FBI.

- I didn't hear you.
- You're doing special work for the FBI.

That's why you were kissing her.

- Me? The FBI. Me?
- You didn't hear it all yet.

I don't want to hear another word,
you moron.

That's your idea of helping me?
Making me an FBI man?

And you think
Ann's gonna go for that, huh?

Who do you think she is,
one of those stupid morons

that watch that stupid moron show
of yours?

Why, she'd spit in my eye
if I ever told her a story like that!

Not only that,
she'd say she was ashamed of me.

Mike, will you do me a favor?
Will you get out of here?

I'm puzzled why I don't.

I think because you're so childlike
that taking offense doesn't become me.

All right, Mike, I'm childlike,

and making me an FBI man
is a brilliant idea.

Don't help me anymore, please?

I didn't just make up this story, you know.

Mike, what are you...

I'm going to tell you something now.

- Mike, what are you...
- If you ever repeat this,

if you ever divulge this to one living soul,
I swear by everything I hold sacred,

I'll kill you.

See that?

What... Well, what is that?

My number is 5-7-9-7-3
My FBI name is Harold Evans.

I'm in Section Six
of the 12th New York Division.

My superior is known to me
by the name of Carl Edmundson.

My contact is Post Office box number 626
in the post office at Wall and Broad.

The telephone number is Hanover 6-1-1-3-4,

and I've been an FBI supplementary agent
for the past seven years,

and I've never spent an evening
with you that I haven't checked in by phone

between the hours of 11:00 and 12:00,
if you'll remember back.

How do you like them apples,
you silly monkey?

When did you join the FBI?
We used to live together.

I always knew where you were.

You did, huh? When we were in the Army

and I was transferred to the Signal Corps
at Fort Monmouth,

didn't it seem peculiar to you that,
after I'd trained for six months,

they sent me back?

I never even saw Fort Monmouth.

I was at the FBI academy
in Quantico, Virginia.

Even the letters I sent you were re-routed
to have a Fort Monmouth postmark.

You don't mind if the government
doesn't want us to tell our friends, do you?

Boy, that's a surprise.

Here's another little surprise.
You know that tall girl

with the Italian haircut that you and Ann
thought kind of light-headed?

She's an FBI agent.
How's that for an eye-opener?

- Wow.
- What's so "wow" about it?

You read every day in the papers
about the undercover FBI men.

Where do you think we come from?
Do you think the stork brings us?

Mike, what do you do?
Do you spy on people?

What else you wanna know,
big nose?

I'm sorry.

Come on. Take off your shoes.

We've got a lot of details to provide for you
in the next three hours,

and I don't know if we can even make it,

and sitting around here arguing with you
isn't helping any. Lay down, come on.

Mike, are you sure this is gonna work? I...

This is supposed to be tattooed on.

Mike, does every FBI man
have three dots on his heel?

I don't know about the FBI,

but everyone in the Cornell chapter
of the Phi Eta Fraternity has.

The Phi Eta...

- What are you talking about?
- Hold your foot still, will you?

- Are you in the FBI or not?
- Me? In the FBI?

I couldn't even get to be an Eagle Scout,
you jackass! What's the matter with you?

Then what in the blazes are you doing?

I'm saving your marriage, you dumb bunny.

I convinced you I was in the FBI, didn't I?

Well, we certainly can
convince that stupid wife of yours.

- She's not stupid.
- Well, she's stupid enough.

If you invent enough details,
you can convince anybody.

Especially if I invent them.

Wait a minute, that's four dots.
You said three dots.

I just promoted you.

You know, J. Edgar Hoover has seven.
Fine man, J. Edgar Hoover.

It's a pleasure to work for him.

Wave your foot around.

Wait.

Jim!

That's President Eisenhower.

- Hi, Sam.
- Hiya, Mike.

Sam?

He looks like Jack Benny.

It is Jack Benny.

- Hey, Mr. Cosgrove.
- Yes?

Go make up those two extras
in Dressing Room B.

Yes, sir.

Jack Benny, huh?

Mike, can I see you for a moment?

See you later.

Hi, Schultzie.

Schultzie, I'll need a few props
for my program.

- First, I want an FBI revolver.
- FBI revolver.

Then I want an FBI identification card,

and it's gotta look real,
'cause we're gonna use it in a close-up.

Put this actor's picture on it.

Over there.

- What time will it be ready?
- 2:00 tomorrow.

2:00 tomorrow?
I need that FBI identification card tonight.

Tonight? That's impossible.

What do you mean, impossible?

You've always made cards for me
while I waited.

Sure, plain printed cards, but an FBI card.

The picture's gotta go
to the photoengraver, also the fingerprints.

Then the whole thing goes in a plastic mold
and gets baked in an oven.

The oven isn't even heated.
I'm not a magician.

Mike, what are we gonna...

Mike...

Would you please connect me
with Mr. Paley? Urgent.

Mr. Paley! What are you calling him for?
What's the matter with you?

- You tell him you can't make the card.
- Who said I can't?

I just said it's a little late, that's all.
Hang up the phone.

Wrong number, honey.

- Sam?
- Yeah?

- Start the plastic oven.
- Now? I quit in an hour!

Sam, don't give me a hard time.

- What time is it, Mike?
- You just asked me.

Well, I'm asking you again.

- 7:15.
- She's 15 minutes late.

She wants to be sure
you're out of the apartment.

- Maybe you're fast.
- I'm not fast.

Mike, I'm gonna turn on the light
and look at my watch.

If she sees a light under the door,
she won't come in.

It's 7:16.

Mike, maybe she won't believe the story.

She'll have to prove it's a lie.
We've got every detail covered.

Well, how can we be sure
she won't pick a detail we haven't got...

We're not sure. We're not sure.
That's why we've got to be clever.

Mike.

The elevator. Here she comes.

- Well, what about it?
- Well, I...

Well?

I'm very nervous.

Very nervous. Well, stop it. Breathe in.

Out, too, you idiot.

Mike! What are we gonna do?

Don't leave, Ann.
All I want is just a few minutes.

- There's nothing to be gained by talk.
- Just a few minutes, Ann.

There'll only be bitterness,
and I thought we might be spared that.

Five minutes.

One minute for every year of our marriage.
That's all I ask, Ann.

Five minutes.

I love you, Ann. I've always loved you.
I could never love anyone else.

I'm not interested.

And you love me.
Your feelings are hurt, but you love me.

I don't love you.
I've blotted you out of my memory.

You could never blot me
out of your memory.

That's typically vain of you.

Have you blotted out the memory
of our sabbatical in Paris?

When we lost all our money,

and we had to live off a case of sardines
for over a month.

How we could never eat them again.

Yes, I have.

Have you blotted out what we said
to each other kneeling in Notre Dame?

Yes.

Remember the time we fell in the lake,
and we had to dry our clothes in a barn?

The day we got engaged?

Don't mind me.

Ann...

If there was anything I needed to emphasize
the gulf that exists between us,

it would be this instance of attempting
a reconciliation in front of a third person.

And I use the word person
in a figurative sense.

- You don't like me.
- No. No, I never did.

- And I attempted to show you.
- You got your message across.

I believe you're largely responsible
for his moral depravity.

You're not a bachelor. You're a libertine.

- I can't stay all evening.
- Who's keeping you?

Ann.

I don't see
that we're accomplishing anything.

I'd thank you to do me the final courtesy
of leaving. Now.

- Mike, I'm gonna have to tell her.
- Look, you're over 21.

- I urge you not to, but I can't stop you.
- I'm sorry, I'm gonna tell her.

You know the consequences.

You're making me feel like a traitor.

Traitor? No, not at all. Just the opposite.

You've done more than your duty
as a citizen.

Of course,
the fact that you could still do more,

that you've been trained
and you have an obligation to your country,

maybe that's
what's bothering your conscience.

- Is that what this is?
- Yes.

Yeah, that's what it is. You're right.
Ann, I'm warning you.

I'm not afraid of you not forgiving me
for kissing that girl,

because I've got an excuse,

but it'll be on your head
if you make me tell you.

You're going to be sorry.
Now, this is your last chance.

Are you gonna forget what you saw
in the office or not?

Certainly not.

- All right.
- Dave, this is your last chance.

Mike! The hell with you.

I was kissing that girl
in the performance of my duty.

- I'm a member of the FBI.
- You're separated from the Service.

I'm too much of a lady to spit in your eye.

But I'll tell you this. I'm ashamed of you.
I gave you credit for much better than that.

- I'm telling you the truth.
- You're out!

You in the FBI.
An assistant chemistry professor.

An assistant registrar
in charge of admissions.

Do you know what the...

Do you know what the scientists work at
in Columbia University? Germ warfare.

- Radioactivity.
- Shut up!

Have you any idea
what some country would give

just to know the names of these scientists

so they could tell
what fields we're working in?

And do you know who has all these names?

Me. Right here in my head.

That's the reason the FBI put me on the job.
That's the reason I've stayed on the job.

On orders.

You've talked enough!

I don't believe you.
When could you have joined the FBI?

I always knew where you were.

I joined while I was in the Army.
I was trained while I was in the Army.

Well, you read in the papers every day
about undercover FBI men.

Where do you think they come from?
The stork?

And you don't mind if the government
doesn't want us to tell our wives, do you?

You big know-it-all,
you think you're so smart, huh?

Remember that tall girl he had here,
the one with the Italian haircut,

the one you didn't think was so bright?

- Well, she's an FBI agent, too.
- Shut your mouth!

I'll show you how much you know about me.

Wise guy. Big know-it-all.

What's that? I've never seen that before.

When did you ever look?
Do you see those four dots?

Well, the girl with the Italian haircut's
got five.

And J. Edgar Hoover has seven.

Fine man, J. Edgar.
I'll take your revolver, please.

I'm not gonna give it to you, Mike.

Give me your gun and identification card,
and right now.

Mike, I'm asking you as my closest friend,
my very dearest friend.

Please, let me stay in the Service.

Don't ask me what I can't do.
It's not up to me.

I'll plead your case, but that's all I can do.

Thank you, Mike. That's all I ask.

I'll never forget you for this.

And neither will Ann. Will you, Ann?

Give me your gun and identification card
until your case has been decided.

- My gun?
- Yes.

Your card, please.

I'm hoping and praying
that they'll be returned to me.

I'll be leaving now.

I count that what's transpired here
will forever be unspoken.

- We promise.
- You promise.

I've heard nothing from your wife.

Promise the man. Say something.

Let me see that identification card.

I'm afraid you cannot see
this identification card.

- That's what I thought.
- It's against regulations.

- Ann, we're not allowed to.
- You had me for a minute.

Revolvers, agents with Italian haircuts.

It was coming so thick and fast,
I didn't have a chance to think.

Don't tell me you still don't believe me.

Believe you. Why, a child of six
would've seen through you.

I don't know what took me so long.

I couldn't love a woman
who trusted me so little.

Come off it, boys. Amateur night is over.

You're not even doing it well.

Ann, I'm asking you not to look
at this identification card.

I'm begging you.

- Why? Because it's your driver's license?
- Trust me.

You're gonna bluff to the end, aren't you?

Ann, if you look at that identification card,

you'll be ashamed of yourself
for the rest of your life.

I'd bet my life that's not an FBI card.

Aren't you going to jump for it?

Don't do it, Ann. You'll be sorry.

Excuse me. Goodbye, David.

Michael.

How could I have known?
Darling, can you ever forgive me?

- There, there. I forgive you.
- You'll hear from me.

Probably not from me,
but someone from the Bureau, I guess.

Mike, I want to apologize
for the things I called you.

- Forget it, Annie.
- I had no right to call you those names.

The way I look at it, it's a compliment.

I want people to think that I'm flighty
and irresponsible

and libertine.

Oh, they do. They do.

- So long, boy.
- Oh, darling. Darling.

I'll never doubt you again as long as I live.

- That's all right.
- I promise. Never.

- Now there's nothing to cry about, darling.
- Hold me. Hold me.

Oh, my darling.
What you must have gone through.

We don't have to exaggerate, darling.

What dangers.
What risks you must have run.

No, no. A lot of it was pretty dull.

You're just saying that
so as not to frighten me.

No, dear. You've just seen too many movies.

Most of it was just routine. Really.

Darling, you're shivering.

Ann?

Now, you're never to pump me about
what I've had to do. I'm not allowed to tell.

Oh, I won't. I promise.

Ann?

And you're not to think of me as a hero.

Ann?

If anything happens to me,
I want to be buried in Arlington Cemetery.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait.
Where are you going?

I want to see my dots.

Keep your hands off government property.

It's my property,
and I want to inspect my property.

- Should I get dots, too?
- No, dear.

And then we'd each have dots to match?

Amy. Say, I like your hair that way.

Why, thank you.
My boyfriend didn't notice it.

You can go right in. He's waiting for you.

Thanks.

The Federal Bureau of Investigation.
Mr. Doyle's office.

You sent for me, Bob?

Yeah, Harry. Citizen David Wilson
had an FBI card printed.

Why? What did Citizen Wilson do with it?

Mr. Schultz here will give you
the rest of the information.

Maybe nothing, but when the card
wasn't used on the TV program...

You did the right thing, Mr. Schultz.
Thank you very much.

If you'll come with me, Mr. Schultz.

Hey, David. Getting a tattoo on?
That's good, David.

Why didn't you think of it?
I had a pretty close shave last night.

I found this fellow in the Yellow Pages.

For the same price,
how would you like to have a nice hula girl?

I do good hula girls.

- Hula girl.
- Yes.

- You got any on you?
- Yeah, look, right there.

- Is that a beaut? Want a hula girl?
- Yeah, the hula girl.

No, thanks. No, no. I don't want a hula girl.
I want four dots.

You know, I had a girl in Montana like that.

That's not funny.

Nothing's quite as funny
as your wife was last night.

You know the part I liked best?
When she was apologizing to me.

She had tears in her eyes.

I could hardly keep
from busting out laughing right in her face.

- That's funny. So funny.
- It wasn't that funny, Mike.

Look,

what do you say
we send a fake FBI man up to your place

and put her through the wringer?

Mike, I'm warning you, no tricks.
Now, cut it out.

Look, don't you understand?
There's an end that's dangling.

- It's dangling. We gotta round it off.
- What end's dangling?

Whether you're in the FBI
or whether you're out of the FBI.

- That's unfinished.
- I'm out.

But that's not what was said.
Look, that's not what we...

Nobody talk. I gotta call Ann.

I call her every hour on the hour.

Hello, Ann, baby doll?
Well, I've been thinking of you, too.

I love you the most, dear.

I can't breathe
with all that "I love you the most. "

Well, certainly I did, Ann.
Of course I kissed you goodbye.

I remember exactly.
I was standing in the doorway.

Well, why doesn't it count?

Fellows don't know how to love like girls.
You don't even know how to spell it.

Someone's at the door.
Probably one of the neighbors.

Come home early, huh?
Wait till you see what I've got for you.

I mean on the stove.
What's the matter with you?

Okay. Bye.

- Mrs. Wilson?
- Yes.

How do you do. My name is Powell.
I'm with the Federal Bureau of Investigation.

- Oh, come in, please.
- Thank you.

I guess I know an FBI card when I see one.

You do?

- Won't you sit down? Please.
- Thank you.

How many dots do you have?

I probably shouldn't have asked you that.

I was just talking to my husband
on the telephone when you came in.

- He's not here?
- Well, he's at the university.

Yes, of course.

- I know why you're here, Mr. Powell.
- You do?

I'm going to speak frankly to you.
I'm not like other women.

- You're not?
- I can keep a secret.

Oh.

I take a sacred oath. It'll never pass my lips

that Dave is an FBI man.

Never. I swear it.
Mr. Powell, do you love your wife?

Yes, of course I do.

Well, I ask you, what would you have done
in a similar circumstance?

I was leaving David. Divorcing him.
I had my reservation to Reno.

He had to tell me the truth.

You would have told your wife, I'm sure.

- Well, I suppose I...
- David didn't tell me anything vital.

I only know that the girl
that was kissing him

is a foreign exchange student,
and the FBI knows what she's up to.

And that's all he told me.

- That's what he told you.
- Not another word. On my honor.

Why are you looking at me like that,
Mr. Powell?

Oh, excuse me. I...

Well, I was just thinking
that you resemble my daughter a great deal.

Yes, she's... Well, she's got your eyes

- and your general coloring.
- Really?

Yes.

- We do our hair just alike.
- That's right.

- Are these her daughters?
- Yes, yes. Two and three.

Well, that makes you a grandfather.
I never would have guessed it.

Well, Mrs. Powell and I were married
when we were 18.

- You don't say. Oh, excuse me.
- Certainly.

Our honeymoon.

Well...

- Mrs. Wilson?
- Yes?

- What time does your husband come home?
- 6:00.

- I think I'll come back then.
- All right. Shall I tell him that?

No. No, don't tell him anything.
He might blurt out the wrong thing.

- Let's surprise him, shall we?
- Very well.

- Goodbye, Mrs. Wilson.
- Goodbye, Mr...

- Powell.
... Powell.

Don't you use other names?

Like numbers? X-24?

I don't think that's necessary here.

No, I guess not. Isn't it exciting?

Well, it's a living.

You're gonna like this one, Bob.

His wife caught him kissing some girl,
and he told his wife that he was an agent

and he was kissing the girl
in the line of duty.

Say, why don't we try that?

They're just kids, Bob.

You know, I'd kind of hate to have it
on our conscience

- that we might break up a marriage.
- What do you suggest?

Well, look, I could get that husband tonight,

take him aside
and give him a lecture he won't forget.

All right, that'll be our good deed for today.
Bring the card back.

Out!

Guess who?

Now, let me see.
Now, you've gotta give me a hint.

- Is it a man, woman or a child?
- Woman.

- A full-grown one, too.
- Thank you.

- A little too full-grown.
- Here, now.

- Thank you for the lovely roses.
- It's my pleasure.

A present for me?
Darling, aren't you sweet to do that.

You shouldn't have done that,
but I'm glad you did.

A pearl necklace! Just what I wanted.

They're genuine cultured pearls.

As against uncultured pearls,
which they ain't.

They're lovely.
Darling, thank you very much.

You're entitled to them.

I'm not entitled to anything more
than the privilege of being married to you.

No, no, Ann. No.

Ann, careful now.
Remember what happened last night.

You're not sorry, are you?

No, but we didn't have the chicken fricassee
on the stove last night.

You know, darling, I'm awfully glad
that everything happened as it did.

I was terribly upset for a while,
but, altogether, it was worth it.

Well, I'm glad you're glad.

You know,
I've got a little confession to make.

Now, careful.

Well, you know I've always loved you
just the way you are,

and I've never thought
that you were a coward or anything,

but deep down every girl likes to think
that her fellow can fight for her

and protect her and take care of her.

Well, you never seemed the sort
that knew about guns or jujitsu

or who knows what.

Well, now when I touch you,
I just get goosebumps all over.

Well, I'm glad I...

I'm glad I give you goosebumps,

but I didn't think your opinion of me
was that I was a sissy.

- Oh, no, honey!
- What about that...

What about that fistfight I had
with that taxicab driver New Year's Eve?

- Remember?
- And you got knocked out.

- Well, I was way ahead on points.
- My big brave man.

- Why didn't you use jujitsu on him?
- On who?

The cab driver.

- The cab driver.
- Yes.

Well, no, no. We're not allowed to use it
for personal reasons.

- Why?
- No.

Well, you know,
people seeing you use jujitsu,

you know, would think it odd
that assistant chemistry professors know it.

- Oh, of course.
- Yeah.

Still...

Still, there are one or two holds
that we're authorized to show people

- in private, of course.
- Really?

Yes. For instance,
there's the Mischa Gosse hold. Watch. See?

I like that hold. You know any more?

Yes. There's the...

There goes the chicken fricassee.

It tastes better when it's reheated.

Maybe they'll go away.

- What about the chicken fricassee?
- What chicken fricassee? Come here.

No.

- Hello, Michael.
- Hi, Ann.

New?

Oh, yes. David just gave them to me.

- Good evening, David.
- Good evening.

My, doesn't this look cozy?

Boy, I envy you, David.

I haven't had a home-cooked meal
in six months.

Well, we were just sitting down to eat.
You're welcome to join us.

- There's more than enough.
- No, thanks.

It's very kind of you, but...

I've come here with good news.

- Wanna hear it?
- Yes.

What is it?

I'm happy to inform you
that you're still in the FBI.

I'm so glad.

I had to do a lot of talking.
Look, I don't wanna take all the credit.

You've got a lot of friends on the board.
They like him.

Haven't you got anything to say?

Thank you.

I didn't know what to hope for.

I never would have forgiven myself
if I'd been responsible for his dismissal.

Your gun and your card.

There you are.

Thank you very much, Michael.

Oh, that's all right.

That's for being a good friend,
the rarest thing on Earth.

Well, David and I,
we go back a long way together.

But we're not going to be going
forward much together.

He's jealous. I like that.
Please stay for dinner, and now I mean it.

I'm afraid not. I'm afraid
David's not staying for dinner, either.

- He isn't? Why not?
- We have an assignment.

Very important assignment.

- What?
- Tonight?

Well, now. As a matter of fact,
we're a little late already.

I don't feel like going.

- What do you mean, you don't feel like it?
- You heard me.

Darling, what are you saying?
They just forgave you today.

You're practically on probation.

I got friends on the board.

I'm taking the night off.

You're in no position to do anything
but come along.

Well, I wouldn't think so.

It would be a fine FBI if every agent
stayed home when he felt like it.

Smart girl.
She's got more sense than you have.

All right. We'll be gone about a half-hour.

No more, maybe less.

- I wouldn't promise that.
- Of course not.

How can you tell? What kind
of an assignment is it? Is it dangerous?

It could be.

It's the same assignment
that you interrupted

when you walked in on David.

You know, luckily she didn't know
that you were David's wife.

- You mean, you're going out with girls?
- If you want to call them girls.

- Well, why not?
- I don't call foreign agents girls.

You see, we've wired booth number four
in Lee Wong's restaurant.

Now, when David and I
go to the men's room,

there'll be FBI agents listening
to what they're saying to each other.

And we're hoping they say
what we want to hear.

You know, the Chief has a lot of confidence
in this idea.

You've wired
Lee Wong's Chinese Restaurant?

The one on 46th Street?

He's Lee Wong to you.

Mr. Wong happens to be

one of the most important
Nationalist China officials in America.

That nice man that meets you at the door?

Nice man?

He's Madame Chiang Kai-Shek's uncle.

All right! Will you just shut up?
Will you keep your mouth shut?

You're right. I should stop. I'm sorry.

Ann, forget what I told you.

- You can trust me.
- Ann, you can't trust anybody.

Nobody in this big wide world.
Let's get out of here.

And, David,

I'm gonna go up and take the things
off the stove. We can have them later.

You'd better put up your hands,
because when I get you outside,

I'm gonna knock your block off,
you crazy psychopath!

This compulsion you have, you know,
to invent.

It's not talent. You're nothing but a liar.

Why don't you shut up?
I've got two sensational dames.

They're a sister act. They won't separate.

They'll separate with enough liquor in them.

Why, you ungrateful little pup,
you're in clover.

I don't wanna be in clover.
Did that ever occur to you?

Listen, did I prowl around with you
too many years

to go for that halo you're wearing?

And don't think I believe that
student-kissing-you-out-of-gratitude story.

This is Uncle Michael you're talking to.

Don't you understand? I'm happily married.

I don't want any outside women.

There's no risk involved at all. No risk.

Not only is she letting you go out
with dames, she's forcing you to. Look.

You've fallen into the greatest racket
any married man has ever had.

Home cooking and outside romance.

I'm thinking of getting married myself.

Cheer up, boy. We'll have a great time.

I missed operating with you.

Why the guys I pair off with now,
they don't have your technique.

- No, huh?
- No.

We were fabulous together,
or don't you remember?

- Mike, this is adolescent stuff.
- Are you about ready, honey?

Yes, dear.

I put the chicken fricassee in the icebox
and the pudding out to cool.

Fine.

We can heat it up when you come home,
if you're hungry.

- All right.
- I'll be waiting up for you.

No, you'd better not.
We may be gone a long time.

You never can tell
how long these things can last.

Yeah, you can never tell.

- Take care of yourself.
- I will, dear.

- David?
- Yes?

If you're obliged...

If you have to...

Whatever you have to do,
just never let me know. Never.

Oh, Ann. Ann.

All right, let's go.

Mr. Powell, you're late.

Oh, lady, don't ever open the door
pointing a gun

unless you mean to shoot.
People shoot back.

David! Michael!

- They're gone. He forgot his gun.
- Lady.

I'm sorry.

- Now, where's your husband?
- He's on an assignment.

- He couldn't even eat his dinner.
- An assignment?

Didn't you know that?
Don't they tell you those things?

- Not always.
- Well, I don't understand that.

It doesn't seem very efficient to me.

Well, I've been on a few assignments
myself all day.

- I haven't been back to the office.
- Oh, I see.

Well, Michael and David
are having dinner at Lee Wong's Restaurant

with two girls
they're trying to get things out of.

- I'll bet.
- Booth number four.

- The booth's been wired.
- It has?

Well, you know, Lee Wong,
Nationalist China.

And that's all they told me.
They don't tell me everything.

They tell you enough.

What are you thinking about, Mr. Powell?

I was just thinking that the resemblance
between you and my daughter

is getting fainter all the time.

- What are we going to do?
- About what?

- The gun! David ought to have his gun.
- The gun is not the problem.

- It's not?
- The problem is my stomach.

- Your stomach?
- Yes. I have an ulcer, Mrs. Wilson.

If I eat regularly, reasonably regularly...

Well, I didn't have lunch today,
and my stomach's killing me.

- Oh, you poor man.
- It's all right.

- We'd better get over there, huh?
- I'll get my things.

What did you say
the name of that restaurant was?

Lee Wong's. 46th street.

- Lee Wong's.
- Lee Wong.

That Madame Chiang Kai-Shek's uncle.

- Mr. Haney. I have your reservation.
- Fine, Wong.

Mr. Wilson, what a treat to see you.
Not see you for so long time.

You know how it is.
I don't get to eat out much anymore.

Wong knows. When Mrs. Wilson come,
I will bring her to your booth.

Mrs. Wilson isn't coming.
We've got a couple of...

Excuse me. A couple of old school chums.

Old chums?

My house is your home. Booth number four.

- Like old times, huh?
- Yeah.

- Drink up tonight, right?
- Yeah.

- Four Missionary Downfalls.
- Missionary Downfalls.

Mike.

What? I can sing.

Who was that lady? I knew such a lady

And foolishly let her out of my mind

So, if she's the one
Please spare me the pun

I'd sure miss the fun if that was no lady
That was my wife

Why did you have to come here?

Couldn't you figure out a place
where nobody knew us?

Operating in the open
is the beautiful part of this scheme.

That's what's safe about it.

Safe, huh? There's gonna be a hitch.
I can smell it.

Well, you're smelling all wrong.
This is foolproof.

Oh, here they come.

There they are.

Get a load of how these girls are assembled.

Michael.

Mr. Haney's table, please.

Your chums from school.

- Oh, I hope we haven't kept you waiting.
- No, not one minute. We just got here.

- Oh, good.
- Gloria, this is David Wilson.

David, this is Gloria.

- Hello, Dave.
- Hello, Gloria.

Sit down.

This is Flo, she's my date,
so you keep your dirty hands off of her.

- Hi, Dave.
- Hi, Flo.

Well, you finally met the Coogle sisters,
and your life is just about to begin.

- I told him all about you.
- Oh, shame on you.

Cookies! Oh, I have to be careful
what I swallow today.

- I was poisoned last night.
- What?

I ate some lousy swordfish.

It stuck right here.

That smart fish knows what it's doing.

David, I haven't told you the truth

why I set this date up
between you and the Coogle sisters.

Me and the Coogle sisters?

Yeah. Well, I know you don't like
to mix business with pleasure,

and I felt that I owed it to these girls,
you know.

And I figure I'm doing you a favor
at the same time.

Oh, that's sweet of you to put it like that.

I met these girls while they were trying out
for Ted Mack's Amateur Hour.

Mr. Mack wouldn't put us on.

He said we didn't look like amateurs.

What do you think about that?

Well, they don't look like amateurs
to me, either.

Oh, thank you.

You're welcome.

You know, I didn't promise these girls
anything definite.

- Oh, nothing definite.
- Nothing definite.

Nothing definite.

No, I merely said that, well,
my best friend is the vice president of CBS.

And that he uses girls.
You do use girls, don't you?

Sometimes.

- He thought you might use us.
- I couldn't put it better myself.

- We're very versatile. We sing and dance.
- Like rabbits.

- And... Whoops, there's the drinks.
- What's that?

Oh, it's an Oriental drink. Very tasty.
Would you bring another round, please?

We don't want to break up the rhythm here.

That's the trouble with drinking.

If you break it up,
it's a shock to your nervous system.

- I never heard that before.
- Oh, yes. Steady drinking is the safest.

- Well, here's looking through you.
- To absent friends, wherever they are.

- Howdy, Yogi. Everything stowed aboard?
- Everything from prunes to harpoons.

Got all your fishing gear, Jinx?

I'm, like, trying something new, Huck.

- Mrs. Wilson! I'm sorry, no, no.
- How are you?

No table. No table.
You didn't call up for reservation.

Come back some other time. Goodbye.

Oh, I know what's bothering you.
Come here.

You don't want me to see my husband here,
isn't that it?

Don't worry. Mr. Powell's an FBI man.

Now, how about that table over there?
All right?

My house is your home.

Now, look, you don't have to tell everyone.

Oh, he can know. Him?

Please, no trouble, Mrs. Wilson.

Would you please bring whatever soup
you have ready in the kitchen?

Mr. Powell has an ulcer,

and he needs something on his stomach
right away.

Would you, please?
And bring some bread, too.

Please. No bread in Chinese restaurant.
Sorry.

Well, just bring the soup, then, and quick.

- Please.
- Right away, sir.

You don't have to conceal the fact
that you're an FBI agent from Wong.

He's one of the most important
Nationalist China officials in this country.

- Oh, really?
- Well, didn't you know that?

- Oh, I didn't know you knew.
- Oh.

- There they are.
- What?

In the mirror.

- Oh, yeah.
- Look at those two women.

Who'd suspect it?

Oh, we don't want them to see us yet.

- You know what I'm waiting for.
- No, no, I don't.

- Well, for the boys to go to the men's room.
- Oh.

Well, they'll be going, you know.

Yes, it's possible.

The booth is wired.
They want those women to talk.

- Didn't you know that, either?
- Well, I knew part of it.

Well, when the boys go to the men's room,
you can go, too,

- and then you can give David the gun.
- Oh, yes.

That sounds logical, doesn't it?
I wait till they go to the men's room,

and then I meet them there
and give them the gun.

- Yes.
- Yes. Fine.

Oh, isn't this exciting?

I guess not to you, though.

This is just another day's work, isn't it?

No. No, today's been quite different.

- Oh, here are the drinks. Let's drink up.
- Wonderful.

Drink up. Wonderful.
Let's keep the rhythm, now.

Got to keep... Four more, please. Four more.

- Yes, sir.
- That's it.

Now, tell me, David, what are you going
to do about that Chesterfield program?

I haven't decided yet.
I was thinking of canceling it.

- He's got a lot of problems.
- Oh.

I would think so.

I hope you're not heading
for a crack-up, boy.

- I'm all right.
- Well, you take care of yourself, now.

We don't want you to have
a nervous breakdown.

I get to relax every once in a while.
I'm relaxing now.

Drink up.

You know what you ought to do
in my opinion?

Go away for a weekend. Say, Atlantic City.

- How could I get away for a weekend?
- On an assignment.

Drink up.

Steady drinking is the safest.
Keep the rhythm.

Attaboy, David. Go on, get them drunk.

They're doing a good job, aren't they?

- They're a credit to the Bureau.
- I'm so proud of them.

Oh, those girls are gonna be talkative,
all right.

I wonder
when the boys are going to the men's room.

Pretty soon now.

- Would you like to go to the ladies' room?
- No, I don't think so.

- Yes, you would.
- Well, if you say so.

- Would you excuse us, please?
- Certainly.

Oh, here you are.

For your little friend in there.

Look who's going to the men's room.

I mean the ladies' room.
I'm gonna give David the gun.

No, no, no. Someone might see you pass it.
It's too risky.

How you doing?
What do you think, boy? Huh?

Whatever happened to your taste, huh?
And what is with this weekend bit?

Well, why not? Let's make
something out of it. Like we used to.

No, not a chance.

What's the matter with you?
Where's your old zing?

You hitting premature middle age?

I'll tell the boys that you're here.
That'll make them feel better.

Yes, you tell them I'm here.
Yes, that'll make them feel better.

Mike.

All I can think about
is the way Ann looked when we left.

"If you have to," she said.
"Never let me know," she said.

She actually gave me permission.
She sent me. With tears in her eyes.

Now, how can a guy
enjoy that kind of cheating?

It ruined it for me, Mike.
It just ruined it for me.

- Yes?
- Shh.

Keep calm. Don't look around.
There's an FBI man here.

He missed you at the apartment.
He's watching everything.

What was that? What FBI man?

Wait a minute.
Did you send an actor up to my place?

- Why, you stupid idiot. I ought...
- Easy, I didn't send any actor.

- Are you sure you didn't?
- Sure, I'm positive. I swear. I didn't.

Then what is she talking about?

FB...

Mike.

It's an FBI man.

I'm gonna be sick.

Well, you're our agent, aren't you?
We need advice.

- What's the matter?
- We're with two guys.

One's a writer from CBS, Mike Haney.

The other one says he's the vice president.

- Well, what's his name?
- David Wilson.

They're talking about a job that

they're throwing in Atlantic City.

That's all there is to the jobs
in Atlantic City.

Mike Haney is always selling
those phony things to girls.

Getting them to Atlantic City
and that's the end of it.

What did you say
the other fellow's name is?

- David Wilson.
- He's a nothing.

Okay. Okay. You told me enough.

- Well?
- We weren't wrong.

How could we be so stupid?
He says to get rid of them.

- Just to get rid of them.
- Oh, the dirty rats.

You know, I could kill them
with my bare hands.

With pleasure.

Hey, you remember those two rat finks
we met in Hoboken?

Yeah.

Well, we'll take care of these two guys
the same way.

They know who the boys are.
They're going to kill them.

- Who is? What is?
- I heard them in the ladies' room.

They called somebody on the telephone
and they were told to get rid of the boys.

Now, just speak calmly and quietly,
Mrs. Wilson.

- Those girls.
- Yeah?

They were given orders
to get rid of the boys.

- Now, we've got to stop them!
- There's nothing to get excited about.

- Didn't you hear what I said?
- Shh. Now, keep your voice down.

Everything's under control.
The FBI is a very efficient organization.

Oh, but you didn't hear the phone call.
It just happened.

Mrs. Wilson, please.
This is your husband's last day with the FBI.

- Really?
- Yes. We feel he's done enough.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I've gotta go and call my wife.

- Your wife?
- I have to tell her I'm going to be a little late.

- But don't you understand?
- Mrs. Wilson, please.

Mr. Powell...

No, no, no. We don't need the drinks.
Thank you. Here you are. Thank you.

Well, don't sit down. We're leaving.

- What for? We haven't eaten yet.
- He just got a call from CBS.

He's gotta hurry over there.
It's an emergency.

- What kind of an emergency?
- A tube blew out.

- You don't say.
- Yeah, I say.

What's the matter? Can't you hear?
What's wrong with your ears, baby?

I'm hungry.

I didn't even get any Wong tong soup.

Well, I know, dear, but it's unavoidable...

Mr. Powell! Mr. Powell, they've left.
They've just left.

- It's gonna be all right.
- No, you don't understand.

- You've got to stop them.
- Edna...

Mr. Powell! You can't...

I'll stop them.

Please, Mrs. Wilson. Don't!

- Oh, look, she's got a gun.
- Stop!

Oh, no.

But, Mr. Powell, we've got to stop them!

- Ann!
- We've got to stop them!

Edna. Yes, I know.
I was called away unavoidably.

Would you put Bob... Put Bob on.
Bob. Yeah, put Bob on.

- Oh, Bob. Look, I want you... Yeah...
- Mr. FBI.

I want you to send a car
down to Wong's Chinese Restaurant

at 46th Street, west of Broadway.
That's right.

- The girl didn't mean...
- No, I've been hit.

No, no, no. It's nothing serious.
Just a little scratch.

- What happened? What happened?
- What's going on?

Well, I guess I told them! David, David!

- Are you all right?
- Look, excuse me, lady,

- would you mind telling me what happened?
- Oh, well, I...

- What's your name, lady?
- My name is Mrs. Wilson.

- This is my husband, David Wilson.
- David Wilson.

- Yes, and he's an FBI man.
- FBI man?

Fellows, looks like something big here
on 46th Street.

Give us control just as soon as possible.

...FBI man, and he was chasing spies,
and I helped him.

- Excuse me, lady, I'll be right back.
- Yes.

- You stay right here. Don't go.
- Oh, dear.

Ladies and gentlemen, once again
we greet you with real-life drama.

Tonight it's happening on 46th Street
in New York City.

City desk? Bendix here.
I just fell into the darndest story.

I was going by Wong's Chinese Restaurant,
46th Street, west of Broadway,

and a gun goes off, not 10 feet from me.
Yes. Yeah, it hit somebody.

I don't who was hit,
but take as much of the story as I got.

The woman who fired the gun
is Mrs. David Wilson.

- A reporter.
- First she started with her husband.

- She gets hysterical.
- He's talking to a newspaper.

- A reporter!
... is an FBI man.

Say, excuse me, fellow,
you can't print that, you know.

Get out of here!

I've had enough of you. Wait.
Go on. Get away from me.

Hey, hey, buddy.

See that our participants are right here.

In just a moment
we'll get our camera in here.

- Can we have you, Don?
- Please, just step aside.

- Thank you very much.
- We're on TV.

Room for the camera, please.

- I don't know what...
- What is the idea?

- I'm just making a phone call.
- Hey, you can't do that. Now, look.

Would you tell us just what happened?

Well, he came home at his usual time.

And my husband, David Wilson...
That's him, right here.

Are you all right, darling?

- Well, we were just sitting down for dinner.
- Well, what does he do?

I'm sorry.

Oh, he's a chemistry...
Assistant chemistry professor.

- Aside being with the FBI, of course.
- Oh, I see.

Besides being with the FBI.
You told me that earlier.

Yes. Well, anyway, his best friend came in.
That's Mike Haney.

Our best friend. Yes, our best friend.
Not just his. He's my best friend, too.

- And he's in the FBI.
- Oh, I see.

Oh, yes. Absolutely. And he came home,

and they said they had to go on assignment.

- They work in pairs, I see.
- Oh, yes, 'cause it's very dangerous.

It sounds like an exciting story.
Now, how did they happen to come...

- This is the microphone.
- Oh.

- It's all right. It's very harmless.
- Am I talking loud enough?

Yes, just right.

Mrs. Wilson, you mean that you didn't know
that your husband was with the FBI?

We've been married five years, and I never
had a suspicion he was an FBI agent.

I'm so proud of him.

- Oh, honey, are you all right?
- Fine.

Could you say something?
We're on television.

Flash. FBI agents capture spies
in Times Square.

Columbia chemistry professor
is today's hero.

...another hour of traffic. The gunshot
of an embattled FBI agent

fighting an undetermined number
of vicious foreign spies

brought traffic to a standstill
in midtown New York tonight.

...on 46th Street between FBI agents and...
- Tomorrow's headlines today.

The midnight edition of the news.

Just a few short hours ago,
a pistol shot off in Times Square

brought home to the American people
a reminder, once again,

of the role played
by our never slumbering FBI.

Shut it off. The same one they had at 11:00.

They're just a couple of kids, Bob.

We wouldn't wanna have it on
our conscience we broke up their marriage.

Oh, we're both gonna get it good.

Read that last back, please.

"Hoping to spirit the principals away
and avoid any undue publicity. "

We drove Mr. And Mrs. Wilson
to their apartment,

where they were cautioned against
any additional statements to the press.

We've stationed a man outside their door.

The two Coogle women have no suspicion
of their involvement,

thinking two other women must be
the foreign agents mentioned.

They were taken home and put to bed.

Change that to
"were permitted to go to sleep. "

We have the other principal, Michael Haney,

the instigator and inventor
of the impersonation,

in voluntary custody.

- You admit it's voluntary?
- Yes. Well, I'm voluntary.

I mean, it's voluntary. Yes, sir.

Have you got an extra bed
in your apartment?

- Yes, sir.
- Have Gibson stick with him tonight.

You're to be back here at 10:00
tomorrow morning.

- And your partner with you.
- Yes, sir.

Excuse me.

- Good night.
- Good night.

Good night.

In conclusion,

may I point out it was a juxtaposition

of unfortunate circumstances.

Yes?

Mr. Parker
of the Central Intelligence Agency.

Have him come in. That's all.

CIA. They couldn't know about it yet.

I don't think. We'll let him do all the talking.

- Hello, Doyle.
- Oh, hello, Parker.

The CIA is an Intelligence Agency
just as much as you are.

Keeping scientists undercover
at Columbia University

falls under our directive
as much as it does yours.

You had no right to assume it by yourself.
You should have let us in on it.

I wish it wasn't too late
to let you in on it now.

Yeah. Talk is cheap.

You talk coordinating, but when it comes
right down to it, you take all the bows.

We've intercepted a phone call,
but you don't see me keeping it to myself.

I bring it over here. I cooperate.

Parker, I tell you all this just happened.
It wasn't planned.

Yes, I'm sure.

We've had a wiretap
on these two foreign agents for a long time.

They finally came through with a phone call
half an hour ago.

- Hello.
- This is Belka speaking.

Yes, Belka?

Who were those two women of ours

the FBI agent caught
in that Chinese restaurant?

I don't know, Belka.
They don't belong to my group. Not mine.

- Whose are they?
- I don't know. Not mine.

How did all this happen?

Oh, it was a juxtaposition
of unfortunate circumstances.

How can I find out who handled this?

It'll take a few days.
I have to check. It's not simple.

I can't wait a few days.
I want those doctors' names now.

Do we know anything?

Only that an FBI man
has the information in his head.

Yes, I read that in the newspapers.
Now, come over to my apartment.

Now?

It may interest you to know they're
quite concerned about this in Moscow.

- Moscow?
- Moscow?

Yes, Moscow!

The poor monkeys.

I've been worried about the cold war,
but no more. We're not gonna lose.

No. Tie, maybe. That's the worst we'll get.

What's the matter with you?
What do you care what happens to them?

Today I've got sympathy
for anybody in a jam.

Yeah, well, have some sympathy for me.
You got me in a jam.

I'll tell you the truth, Doyle.
This is a game two can play.

I get a chance to give you the business,
I'll gladly do it.

- I'll be careful.
- You can't always be careful. Or lucky.

My time will come.

- He's pretty mad.
- He won't be tomorrow.

He'll have a real good time tomorrow.
Probably get hysterical.

Oh, here.

Oh, keep them. I got a carton.

Oh, no.

Good morning, darling.
You know what I'm doing?

- What?
- Starting a scrapbook,

so we'll always have a record
of our adventure.

Leave room for the ending.

Oh, there won't be enough
in just one scrapbook.

Oh, which picture of me do you like better?

- They're both nice.
- I like this one.

I think I photograph better on my left side.
Of course, Minna likes this one.

- Minna.
- Oh, I'm dying to call a hundred people,

but I haven't been able to use the phone.

I've only been able to get through
to Minna and Mother.

Come on, I'll show you.

See? I'll answer this one.

Hello? Yes, this is Mrs. Wilson.

Oh, how do you do?

Well, we had to take the receiver
off the hook,

there were so many strangers calling.
I hope we didn't inconvenience you.

It's a man from the FBI
Public Relations Department.

He wants to take pictures
of you and Mike and me, too.

We're to be at the Empire State Building
at 4:00.

Here's Mr. Wilson now.

- Hello?
- I'm going to have my picture taken.

Yes, sir.

Yes, sir.

Oh, should I wear my blue or my gray?

My blue because it photographs thinner.

Yes, sir.

Yes, sir.

Oh, darling, isn't it exciting? 4:00?
I have time to get my hair done.

Celebrating, huh? I love you.

Honey, I have to have a new purse
to go with my blue dress.

I just have to have it.

- Well, I don't think so.
- Oh, but I do.

The only blue purse I have is for evening,
with beads.

Well, I don't think
they're gonna photograph us.

Why not?

Why not?

Well, I think they'll call it off by then.

They will not. Why should they?

They're proud of you, and I'm proud of you.

Darling, I don't think
this modesty is becoming in this instance.

I really don't.

Oh, Minna is dying of envy. She's green.

And you should have heard Mother.

She said, "I always knew
there was something odd about him. "

- Oh, she wants us for dinner tonight.
- Oh, I don't think so.

Be about 40 people. Buffet.
And you are the main attraction.

Well, I don't really...

I didn't promise. I just said if we could.

Well, well, we can't.

You don't know
how you're gonna feel tonight.

I know how I'm gonna feel.

- How can you?
- I know how I'm gonna feel, Ann.

- I'm sorry.
- What's the matter, honey?

- There is something the matter.
- Yes, there is something the matter.

Whatever is troubling you,
I wish you'd tell me.

I'm your wife. I'd like to share
your good as well as your bad.

I love you, Ann.

And I love you, my darling.

Everything I've ever done
has been motivated by my love for you.

Perhaps if I loved you less, you know,
things could have turned out differently.

Tell me, sweetheart. Tell me everything.

Well...

- Oh, if Howard lets them ring, it's all right.
- Oh, it is? Howard?

Homstock.

Well, good morning, Mike.

- Morning.
- Another cup of coffee, Howard?

No, thank you.

I'm Mrs. Wilson,
if no one is going to introduce us.

- I'm Paul Gibson.
- How do you do?

- Would you like some coffee?
- No, thank you.

Well, anything you want, just ring.

Your FBI man is nice.
Was he with you all night?

Honey, it's Paul Gibson.
Don't you want to say hello?

- No, I don't think so.
- That doesn't seem very polite.

Well, he'll understand.

Well, I must say, you FBI men behave
strangely to each other.

You look awful, Mike.

Well, I'm no hypocrite. That's how I feel.

- Didn't you get any sleep?
- No.

And neither did David.

They want us down at the FBI office
at 10:00.

Darling, what were you going to tell me
before Mike came in?

The thing that's troubling you.

You... We...

Oh, nothing.
It was just a feeling I had. That's all.

- That you're not in the FBI anymore?
- Yes, that's it.

It's not your fault, sweetheart.
Don't reproach yourself.

Mr. Powell told me last night
in the Chinese restaurant

that you weren't going to be
in the FBI anymore.

Is that what he said?

"You've done enough," he said.

So, you see? There's no need to worry
or feel badly.

Yeah.

Excuse me.
I'm going to go press my blue dress.

One thing's definite.

One thing's definite.

We're not gonna be
in the same cell together.

I don't even want to be
in the same prison with you.

If we meet in the exercise yard and
we come face to face, don't you talk to me.

Ed Sullivan called me.

He wants us on his program this Sunday.
1,500 bucks each.

All we have to do is take a bow
and wave back.

Mike, how much trouble are we really in?

- I mean legally?
- I'm glad you asked that.

I was curious myself, so on the way over,
I stopped off at the library.

I'm not clear on all the charges,

but just adding up the federal offenses,

felonies and over,
time off for good behavior,

C.O.D., Sing Sing,

it comes to 180 years.

That sounds fair. That's 90 years apiece.

No. That's separately.

I thought it was a bargain.

I blame you for this. We're clear on that.
It's all your fault.

Who was kissing
that foreign exchange student? Me?

Whose harebrained idea was it to make me
an FBI man? Me?

And we'd have been all right with that.
That was fine. But no!

You had to mix me up
with your Coogle sisters.

- That's what did it.
- That's what did it?

- Yeah.
- Your wife did it. Playing cops and robbers.

Listening to telephone conversations
in ladies' rooms.

Shooting guns off on 46th Street.

Why that daffy buttinsky.
They ought to put her the hell away.

I want you to dictate your version
of what happened from the beginning,

and anything you say
can be used against you.

- Who's first?
- Either one of you.

- Testing. Testing. One, two...
- That's not necessary.

Necessary.

I was sitting in my office,
minding my own business,

when the phone rang. "Hello," I said.

"Mike, for heaven's sake, help me,"
somebody said.

"This is David?" "No, Mike. "

- "Mike, this is David. " He said, "Who's... "
- Hold it. Hold it.

Yes.

You don't have to go back that far.
And leave out the dialogue.

- Just describe why you did it.
- Why I did it?

Why you told him
to impersonate an FBI agent.

Yes, sir.

Testing. Testing, one, two...

- Leave it alone!
- Yes, sir.

Marriage to me is something sacred.

I have never heard
the minister intone the sentence

"for whom God hath joined together
let no man put asunder"

without silently saying amen.

In my humble opinion, I think
that the divorce rates of this country...

- Hold it. Hold it!
... are the most...

- I'm holding it. The most unfortunate...
- Hold it!

All I want from you is a simple,
straight account of what happened

without a sermon or addressing the jury.

You'll get that chance.

Yes?

Mr. Parker
of the Central Intelligence Agency.

Send him in.

He would be the first to find out about it.
He's come to crow.

- One crack, and I'll hit him with that lamp.
- Take it easy, Bob.

Here.

- What's that?
- Another Belka wiretap.

- Belka?
- We intercepted it at 9:15 this morning.

Like your picture in the paper?

It was a nice likeness, thank you.

Run it.

- Hello. Yes, this is Mrs. Wilson.
- My name's Harrison.

Hey, that's Ann.

I'm in the Public Relations Department
of the FBI.

Oh, how do you do?

We've had the hardest time
getting through to you.

That's my wife.

We had to take the receiver off the hook,
there were so many strangers calling.

- I hope we didn't inconvenience you.
- Well, that's all right.

We'd like to take some photographs of you
and your famous husband and Mr. Haney.

Now, would all of you come down
to Room 1557...

Wait a minute.
That's not anybody called Belka.

Would you mind letting us hear this?

It's a man from the FBI
Public Relations Department.

You mean he's not an FBI man?

No, he's impersonating an FBI man.

I imagine you've heard of that before?

Here's Mr. Wilson now.

He wanted me to...

- Hello?
- Harrison here.

Don't think we ever met, Wilson.

- That's me.
- Have a teletype on you.

The Chief wants some photographs
of you two boys and the missus.

Good publicity for the Bureau, you know.

Show up at 4:00 in Room 1557
of the Empire State Building.

It's a cover we use.

The door says Trans-Eastern Import
and Export Company, but you walk right in.

Got it? 1557.

Empire State Building. Be on time, now.

Yes, sir.

They really want the names
of those doctors.

- From me?
- Be quite a trick, won't it?

Well, they're not gonna get anything
out of me.

Oh, I'd like to make a bet on that.
I'll give odds.

You and Haney and Mrs. Wilson
are going to keep that date

- in Room 1557 in the Empire State Building.
- Well, wait. Excuse me,

- but what's gonna happen to my wife?
- Don't you worry.

Nothing's gonna happen to her.
We'll take every precaution.

Thank you. Can you tell me
what's going to happen?

Just trust us.

Powell calling Doyle.
Powell calling Doyle. Over.

Doyle here. Over.

Belka's still in front of the building.
He's waiting for them, I guess.

- Why is he waiting?
- I don't know.

He said Room 1557, didn't he?

There's something funny.
He should be up here.

Yeah.

Oh, here they come.

Belka stopped them.
He's introducing himself.

Now he's shaking hands with Mr. Wilson.

Now he's shaking hands with Mrs. Wilson.

Now they're going into the building.

Ann, will you just...

Will you just stop it.

They're moving
toward the main elevator area.

They're going toward the elevators.

Do you think afterwards
we could go upstairs to the observatory?

Out of order. Next car, please.

- This way, please.
- Oh, but it's out of order.

Not at all. We insure secrecy.
This is our own elevator.

Gentlemen.

Cigarettes.

Oh, how exciting. Oh, you FBI.

- They went into an elevator under repair.
- What?

Well, there was an out of order elevator
with two workmen in it.

It was a plant.

They're not gonna let them
out of that elevator.

I am just tingly all over.

I thought that my blue hat was the best.
That's why I wore it.

But my friend Minna,
she thought the white hat was the best,

so I brought both, because he should know.
The photographer, I mean.

- Why did the elevator stop?
- We will all keep very quiet.

- If possible.
- Why, that's a gun.

That's what it is, madam,
and it shoots bullets. Not too loudly.

- What's the matter with you?
- They're not FBI men.

- They're not?
- That's right, madam. We are not.

Well, who are you?

I'm sure your husband can tell you.

David? What's going on?

They're foreign agents, Ann.

- Chief, the elevator's stopped.
- Where's the master switchboard?

Right around the corner.

Mike! Mike! Mike!

Hey, let go of my wife.

That was an amateur move.
For an FBI man, he isn't very well trained.

Yes. Fear for his wife overcame his training.

We may take advantage of that.

Well, it's possible you do know your job.

I know my job. Chloroform.

And this is mainly sodium pentothal

with approximately
10 minutes' effectiveness.

During that time
he should reveal what he knows.

His will to resist is now lessened.

How much lessened
is a matter of his character.

If he's strong-minded and loyal,
it's slightly more difficult.

Well, he may be loyal,
but he doesn't look strong-minded.

- One can never tell.
- Well, go on. Begin.

- Hello.
- Hello.

And what is your name, my friend?

My name is David Wilson. What's yours?

You don't care about my name.
And what do you do, David?

I'm an assistant chemistry professor
at Columbia University.

Yeah? And what else?
There must be something else you do.

I'm in charge of admissions.

And what else?

What else do you do with your time?
At night, for instance?

I go bowling.

- It's a sport.
- I know what bowling is. Go on.

He's blocking out his FBI identity.
He may have more character than he looks.

Ask him the names
of the doctors and scientists.

- It's not wise to ask direct questions.
- Ask him.

Let's play a little game, David.
Do you like doctors?

Are there any doctors you dislike?

- Dr. Eberstad.
- Eberstad?

I think there's an Eberstad in radioactivity.

- What is Dr. Eberstad doing?
- No direct questions.

- He's building a bridge.
- A bridge?

Where is this bridge? Where will it be?

In my upper right molar.

- May I?
- Yes. Go ahead.

I'm going to induce fear.

- David Wilson!
- Yes, sir?

- Do you love your wife?
- Yes, sir.

You wouldn't want anything
to happen to her, would you?

- No, sir.
- If you don't want any harm to befall her,

terrible harm,

tell us the names of those men
working on the secret projects.

- You're never going to see your wife again.
- Oh, but I love her.

We're going to take you in a little boat
far out to sea,

and then we'll transfer you to submarine,

and this submarine will go deep down
where nobody can find it,

and it'll take you away.

- A submarine?
- A big submarine.

- And you'll never see your wife anymore.
- Never?

Never.

Sentimental.

He's a difficult subject.
So many different facets.

- Contact's broken in the elevator.
- Here, try to short it.

Maybe that'll release it.

They're doing something.

- What do you think they know?
- That the elevator is out of order. That's all.

What is bad is that they might immobilize
the circuit and we can't move it.

- I suggest we go to the basement.
- Well, why the basement?

- Won't there be people there?
- There are three basements.

The bottom level is just machinery.

- What's the matter?
- A shock.

- Come on, David.
- All right, Ann.

I'm sorry about what happened, Ann.
It'll never happen again.

- What is he talking about?
- His wife.

He won't leave the subject.

And we haven't so much time
before the pentothal wears off.

Well, can't you give him another dose?

No. Put him to sleep.

Come on, Wilson.
Forget your wife. Forget her!

- I'll never forget her as long as I live.
- He's obsessed with the subject.

David.

Yes?

You'd do anything your wife asked you to,
wouldn't you?

- Anything.
- She wants you to give us the names

of those men
working on the secret projects.

She does?

Good. Good.

- I can't do that.
- Why can't you? Why not?

I just can't.
Even if you tortured me with red-hot coals.

He's remarkable.

I have never seen a man
conquer his subconscious so completely.

I am not interested in admiring him.

Go on.

You're a very pretty girl, Ann.

He thinks you're his wife.

Well, he's wrong.

Maybe if you'd let him kiss you a little.

- You kiss him.
- Sweetheart.

He likes you.

I'm the superior here.
You kiss him. That's an order.

- Oh, she's waking up. He won't talk.
- And the pentothal is wearing off.

- Can't we do anything else to him?
- No. They'll investigate the elevator.

I suggest that we leave here.

Oh, Mike.

Mike! Mike!

David! David! Speak to me.

- How you do, ma'am?
- Are you all right?

What's the matter with you?
They gave you something, didn't they?

Oh, my darling. Oh.

David, you didn't tell them the names of
the secret scientists at Columbia University?

No.

Oh, I'm so proud of you.
Now, come on, pull yourself together.

You'd better pull yourself together,
because I'm going to jail for 180 years.

Will you wait for me?

Why would you be going to jail?

Because it's against the law
to print fake FBI cards.

- Fake FBI cards?
- Fake FBI cards.

Where did you get that FBI card?

Mike had them printed up at CBS.
That's where we got the gun, too.

Then you're not an FBI man?

Me? An FBI man?

I couldn't even be in the Eagle Scouts,
you jackass!

Mr. Powell? Is he an FBI man?

Oh, yes. He's a real FBI man.
Only Mike and I are fakes.

What about those two women
you took to Lee Wong's restaurant?

Oh, they're real women.

Real women. And what do they do?

They sing and dance like rabbits.

Now, now. Life's easy. Take it easy.

It's a submarine.

Mike! Mike, buddy. Mike, wake up.
Buddy, wake up.

- Where are we?
- Can you take it, boy?

- Yes.
- We're in a submarine.

- We're in a submarine. Submarine!
- Yeah.

Come on,
those agents were smarter than we were.

- What's gonna happen to us?
- Who knows?

- Where are they taking us?
- Well, what does it matter?

- Yeah, but... Holy mackerel!
- Who knows what they've done with Ann.

Hey, look, I don't like to be tortured.

Let's sink it.

- Sink it?
- Yeah. Let's sink it.

- Come on. What have we got to lose?
- What's gonna happen to us?

What's gonna happen to us anyway?
It's six of one and half a dozen of another.

What does it matter?

- I don't know. I...
- Why not? Why not?

Well, I got a CBS contract,
my payments on the Thunderbird.

- I got a girl tomorrow...
- Mike. Mike.

We're not gonna stand here and take this,
are we?

- Yes, yes.
- No, no.

- Yes. No?
- No.

- No.
- Let's get back at them.

Let's at least cost them something.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- Yeah.
- They're never gonna use this submarine.

- No. Bless you, Mike.
- Let's sink it, Captain.

Come on. Let's go.

- Hey, I'm getting out of here.
- No, no, no, no. We're gonna sink it.

Here's one. I'm gonna check it.

- There's another one.
- Good. You turn it.

No, you turn it.

- I'm gonna drive. I'll drive.
- You can drive.

Goodbye, Mike.

We're freezing up here.
This office is below zero.

There's a fire!

McCarthy, the even-number floors
are boiling over,

and the odd ones are freezing.

Hello. Yes, I know all about it.

Hello? Yes, I know there's something wrong.

David!

Hey, David!

You're standing atop
the tallest building in the world.

Visibility is 25 miles.

I think they're trying to get to us.

They won't use this submarine.

- Okay.
- Let's go.

Open it up. Open it up, you idiot.
You'll kill everyone.

How do you like that? Yeah. Go ahead.

Die like rats in a trap, you swine!
You murderers!

Yeah!

- Where are we?
- Aren't we in a submarine?

You're in the basement
of the Empire State Building,

and you've just about ruined it.

Basement?

Bottom of the Empire State Building.
The basement.

"Yeah, Mike. Mike. Mike, let's sink it. "
"Aye, aye, Captain. "

I ought to hit you from here.
From here. A little shot.

Let's see where we caught the spies.

They're swimming around
in the bottom of the elevator shaft.

Thanks.

- I'm sorry, Mike.
- It's all right. It's all right, David.

"Let's sink it. Yeah, let's sink it. Sink it.
Yeah, let's sink it. "

Where's my wife?

They gave you something. You talked.

- She knows everything.
- Everything?

Well, at least they didn't get the names
of those secret scientists out of you.

You can feel happy about that.

I'll never be happy again.

Now, now.

Ann hates me.

I don't know about that.

When she heard you were down here
turning on those steam taps,

she got real excited.

And when Doyle said
you might be scalded to death,

she screamed pretty loud.

- She did?
- Got hysterical for a while.

She's got a soft heart.

But she's not forgiving.

That's not one of her qualities.

She has got other qualities?

- Oh, yes she has.
- Does she really?

- She has.
- Well, like what, for instance?

She has one great quality.

Every girl should have it. I know that now.

She's insanely jealous.

That's a wonderful quality in a woman.

I couldn't love a girl who wasn't like that,

because if she's extra-jealous,
you know what that means?

It means she's extra-in-love.

Oh, I wish I had my girl back now.

I wouldn't let
another foreign exchange student kiss me

if her life depended on it.

I'd wear blinders. I'd grow a beard.

I'd...

Ann.

Ann.

Ann, I'm...

Come on home, my darling.

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