All language subtitles for The Ricky Gervais Show s02e13 Munchies.eng

For the past few
years Ricky Gervais,

Stephen Merchant,
and Karl Pilkington

have been meeting
regularly

for a series
of pointless conversations.

This is one of them.

- Testing.
- Is that all right?

Hello and welcome
to "The Ricky Gervais Show"

with me, Ricky Gervais,
Stephen Merchant...

- Hello. - ...
And the little round-headed buffoon.

That is Karl Pilkington.

Hi.

Robert nozick did
this thing that...

If you could go
into a flotation tank,

and you led a whole
virtual life

and it was
the best life possible...

You did exactly what
you've always wanted,

you became the person
you wanted to be,

you did the best things you
could ever dream of doing

and you literally couldn't
tell the difference...

So it was your life, okay?
And you lived your biological life out.

In that tank and died at 80

and had the best life
any person could ever have.

You could pre-program it.

Would you get into that tank
knowing what you know now,

knowing that you will
have the best life ever

with no heartache, no upset,
no... no loved ones dying?

So what's happening when... When I'm
sort of having a packet of munchies?

Am I having them
or are they imaginary?

They're imaginary, but you
can't tell the diffenence.

It's the best packet of munchies
you've ever had. I love the fact.

That you went into
the floatation tank, right,

and your one proviso was
"are munchies as good?"

- Yeah, absolutely.
- No no, I'm taking it back to basics.

- That is basic.
- You've got to pre-program your life,

that's where you'd start is it?

Munchies must always
taste magnificent.

It's just if you can still enjoy
the basic things in life.

- Then that's when you can't go wrong.
- Yes, you do.

You enjoy them more...
You are the... you're the...

It's the life
you'd ever want to live

- a bit dangerous.Lving it.
- Sorry? D why, go on, why?

Just, um...

I don't know, because
sometimes I think things.

Don't happen
for the best, right?

- Right.
- Sometimes you can sort of think,

"oh, I'll enjoy that
if that happens."

And then it doesn't happen.

And you've had time to think
about what would have happened.

Ah, but this is perfect.
No, this is built in.

Because whatever happens
is for the best.

So not only when you're
in this floatation tank

are you enjoying yourself,

the things just keep getting
better or staying as good.

So you never
have a bad day?

You never
have a bad day.

How long would that last for before
you go "I'm fed up with this"?

Why would you get fed up with it?
Because you'd do something else.

- It's the perfect life.
- Bear in mind, you're not aware.

That you're in the floatation tank.
You've made that deal,

but then once you're in there, you're not
aware of being in the floatation tank.

You're living your life and it's perfect.
You're happy.

Well, we don't know
how you would be happy.

You'd just have
munchies every day and...

Yeah, you'd get in it then.
You'd get in it.

If you don't know
you've got in this tank...

If I somehow go to bed at night and
someone injects me in the head

and then they go "right,
stick him in the tank now,"

and then I wake up,
a packet of munchies there,

sun's out. Suzanne goes,
"oh, it's a nice day.

We'll go and do
something nice."

"But you're meant
to be at work."

And she goes, "no, I don't
have to go in today."

"Well, all right,
let's go out then."

Now what's interesting
there is

that within the scenario...

I gave you any life,
you could do anything...

And you chose the exact
life you've got now,

except Suzanne's got a day off.

Now I both love that and...

I was a bit suspicious though,
that she's just taken a day off.

No wait, it's not happening now.
It's not happening... really happening.

You can do anything you'd like.
But I like the fact now you're even questioning.

You're not in the tank and why has
Suzanne got a day off, right?

Now I love that because that
suggests to me that you're...

A nice, happy, satisfied...

Whatever you want to do it...
Contented person.

Who's got thpeperfect life.

However it's almost like.

You haven't fully understood
the possibilities.

For example, you wake up,
there's the munchies,

sunny day, Suzanne's not at work,
you say, "why aren't you at work?"

She goes to you, "hold on though.
Why are you flying?"

And you go, "I just can."

But you hadn't even thought that maybe you
could fly or swim or hold your breath.

You're just gonna have
some munchies for breakfast.

- Hang on a minute.
This is day one. - Oh okay.

- When you go on holiday...
- Yeah?

Like I said before, you don't
turn up and go, "right,

it's 1:00,
jet ski for half an hour,

bungee jumping
40 minutes after that.

Let's have a nice roti and, you
know, try a little cocktail.

What do you do?
What do you do when you arrive there?

Well, you get there,

the fellow takes
your case to the room.

You have that panic of, "am I
gonna give him too much money?"

I don't know the currency well enough yet.
I don't know how much things are.

More information than we asked for.
The most mundane.

- Scenario I've ever heard.
- No, but this is what happens.

- In real life. - Okay, you're
just telling us what happens.

- When you go on holiday.
What's your point? - Okay.

Because you don't
want fun all in one go.

You want to build to it, 'cause
that's sometimes part of it.

Right, yeah, okay.
Anticipation... yeah, good.

Yeah yeah, that little bit.

Is about things
taking time, isn't it?

Then looking back
at the journey and going,

- "how did I get here?"
- Can I ask a question?

Sorry, I'm just...
What I'm fascinated to know is.

If you decided to sign up
to the float-tank idea, okay?

You can design
your perfect life...

But I prefer not
to know I'm doing it.

No, you won't know.
You won't know.

I want to ask this question.
Imagine Ricky and I are the doctors, okay?

We can put you in this tank, all
we need to know from you now

is what your perfect life is and we're
gonna program it in the computer,

you're gonna wake up tomorrow, you won't
know this conversation's happened,

you'll have the perfect life. What... if you
don't mind, we're gonna take notes now,

-wbut what else... ect life? -Ywe've got
munchiessly and we've got sunshine.

But what else would you like in your
magical life of... Your ultimate life?

Yeah, I... I don't
like this idea.

Suddenly Suzanne's
never at work.

I just think you need...

You need a bit of the badness
to have the goodness.

- Right.
- But the difference is.

When I next get
British gas round, they go,

"hi, Mr. Pilkington.
Yes, the boiler is fixed."

Oh, God. So he'd like to have a
virtual life so his boiler's fixed.

- No n- but it gets fixed. - Step- but you don't
even still need a boiler.Your dream

you could be the perfect
temperature all the time.

I don't... I don't like
the idea of too much change.

I don't want that much
of a change in me life.

But you won't realize it.
It won't feel like change.

Yeah, but it's that
old Chestnut, isn't it?

It's the thing of, like, um,

- what's me problem then?
- Right?

You've got a problem gene
in your head.

You've got to fill it
with a problem.

Yeah, you're not...
He's not a geneticist.

Got the problem hole
in your head.

- No, it's not... - Could the problem
hole in your head... shut up, Ricky.

Let him say what
he means to say.

He's got a problem
hole in his head.

- It's called his mouth.
- Yes.

Right,
that is your problem hole.

So if someone comes up and they
go, "I've fixed your boiler."

- Sorry, can I just ask one...
- No, let him speak, for...

Let me ask one question, Steve.

Is the problem hole different
from the problem gene,

- or is that a new term for...
- No, you put things.

Through the problem hole and
they end up in the problem gene.

You feed something
in the problem hole...

- Is that right, Karl?
- Yes.

It goes through the problem
tube into the problem gene.

Okay, so it's down the problem conduit.
Okay, go on, right.

So it's better to have... you've got
a problem hole in your head, right.

So you stuff in a problem
into the problem hole.

- Okay, yeah, okay.
- Now all the little problems.

Can't get in because
of the big problem, right?

- Right. Is that good or bad?
- But that's not true, is it?

The problem hole is a
standard size on everyone.

- No, but that's not... - Shut up, Ricky!
Let him explain.

Now Ricky, I'd say his problems
are not even problems.

- Well, how big is his problem hole?
- Same size as mine.

- Same size as yours?
- But his problems are all little ones.

They're like you've got
like a load of skittles.

I've got a big creme egg.

- Right, but what... what...
- Shut up. Let him speak.

He's just expanding on his idea.
Why do you keep interrupting?

But what is his problem?
What is your problem that's.

So big compared
to my little skittles?

Loads of problems.

You get stressed out about
things that I'm like,

"what's up with you?
" You get annoyed easily with stuff...

People chewing loudly

or someone breathing loudly
or someone coughing.

Whereas I'm going,
"oh, that doesn't matter."

Like you say, to you
the boiler I l like,

get it ripped out,
put a new one in.

It's not as easy as that.

- It is. - That's why the
problem ball is growing.

It's a ball!
He's got a gene, a ball and a hole.

- So the problem ball... - No wonder
there's no fucking room for a brain.

Right, shut up. Let me ask...
I want to clarify this.

The problem ball
exists in life,

but gets bigger
and bigger and bigger.

It has to go through
the problem hole,

down the problem tube
into the problem gene.

- And bounces... bounce into the problem gene.
- Right. Now then,

you've got the problem ball.
Everyone's problem hole is the same size.

- Everyone. - But some
people's problems are smaller.

So they can slip straight
into the problem hole.

- I've got a question, Stephen.
- Wait!

Listen, has anyone got... has anyone
got a pair of problem balls?

Or is it always just...
What?

- Can ladies have a pair of problem balls?
- No, 'cause Hitler had one...

A problem ball, didn't he?
But could anyone.

Ever have a pair of problem
balls is my question to you?

But I'm assuming his problem
balls are much bigger.

Than other men's
or another woman's, right?

Yeah, depending on the problem.

So you could have... you could
have a pair of problem balls.

- And one problem hole?
- The way I'm seeing it...

Okay look, supposing I came to
you and I said, "listen, um"...

But a man starving in a foreign country
might have huge problem balls.

He might have, but if I went to a doctor
and said, "I've got a problem hole."

Then he'll say, "well, let me see it," you
know, "let me see your problem hole."

And he... and... and... And hanging
down in front of my problem hole

was a huge pair of problem balls, what
would he treat first is my question.

Would he look
into the problem hole?

He'd say, "right,
take your problem jeans off.

But he would fish... he would put his hand
or his finger into the problem holeearly."

To try and remove the problem
ball, wouldn't he? Or problem...

He would. Well, he could
feel the problem balls,

but he'd have to insert his finger
into the problem hole, wouldn't he?

- Right.
- Okay, so, Karl, go on then.

I'll just get in the tank.

What do you do towards
enjoying your life?

I don't normally enjoy the
thing when I'm doing it.

It's after. It's like that
holiday... when I was on holiday.

What do you mean you don't enjoy the
thing when you're doing it, it's after?

What's an example of not enjoying the
thing at the moment, but you do after?

- You didn't enjoy the holiday?
- I've just been away.

- So you enjoyed coming off holiday?
- Hang on.

I want to hear it. You enjoyed the
holiday... you didn't enjoy the holiday?

When I'm there,
I had fleas biting me.

Yeah. I
had mosquitoes biting me.

There was a funny smell
of damp in the bathroom.

I was worrying getting in the sea
thinking, "is there stone fish in it?"

Right? Now you've
got all that going on.

When you get back, you forget
about the damp smell.

You forget about fleas
because the bites have gone.

They're not as much
of a problem.

Then your brain starts going
"hang on, what did I enjoy?"

And you go, enenjoyed the dorado
fish I had that I've never eaten."

That's an experience.
At the time, I wasn't enjoying it.

Because I'm thinking, "when I get back,
I'm gonna have fleas on me again."

- Yeah. - Now when I get a menu
given to me in a restaurant...

- Yeah? - ...
I go, "right, what am I gonna do here?"

- Yeah.
- Right, well, when I came here,

I thought I'd have
some lamb chops.

They've got lamb chops, great.
I wonder how much

they give you, because I quite
fancy this pudding they've got.

Now I have the lamb chops.
It comes with extra veg.

I eat it, enjoy it.
The pudding I wanted.

Has gone out the window.
I've got no room for it now.

- Yeah?
- But you enjoyed the lamb chops.

You enjoyed... you can only so
get... pack so much into it.

If you're enjoying all...
All your life all the time,

there's no point
in regretting anything.

That's just greed.

No, but I was looking
forward to the pudding.

You shouldn't have
eaten all the veg.

Yeah, but I was enjoying
it at that point.

But then you take the pleasure
that you had at that point.

No, because I wanted a pudding.

But you didn't want a pudding or
you would have had a pudding.

No, because I would have had
it for the sake of having it.

- And then it's ruined.
- I don't know what the whinge is there.

You had a lovely meal. You had some
lovely lamb chops. You enjoyed the hour.

Because when I read that they had
like profiteroles on there...

- I thought I'd fancy a couple of them.
- Yeah, and then you...

And the chance is gone. I'm probably not
coming back to this restaurant now.

But you haven't missed a chance.
You had the chance, you didn't want to take it.

- Because you full up with lovely lamb.
- What's the problem?

I had a spicy sausage...

- Right? - Now the problem
was I was enjoying it,

but I thought, "this is the
spiciest sausage I've ever eaten."

- Right.
- Now I could only enjoy that.

The next-day night when I knew
that it's gone through my body,

there hasn't been
a problem.

So I thought, "that was a nice sausage.
I'd have one of them again."

"That was a nice sausage."
But then the next time,

surely you'd be enjoying it, because
you wouldn't have the trauma.

Of the next night because you'd lived
through it and now you'd just enjoy.

The lovely spiciness and the
sausageness of the spicy sausage.

Yeah, but the problem is
once you've enjoyed something,

it's very difficult
to replace what you got.

From that spicy sausage
the first time.

Then why a you looking forward
to having another one?

- Because let me tell you...
- Go on.

Auntie Nora... I told you she
prepares all the food, right?

She's got them all
in bags in the freezer...

Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday,
Thursday, Friday.

- Yeah.
- Right.

Now what she normally does, she
makes a big pot of curry.

- Yeah.
- Right.

She goes, "what I'll do, I'll
pop that in the Monday bag

and I'll pop it in the Thursday bag.
" It's the same curry.

Now she has it on the Monday.
She loves it.

She thinks, "I got the
mix just right there.

The spices are good.
The chicken was tasty."

"I'm looking forward
to Thursday."

"I'm looking forward to Thursday.
I can't wait for Thursday."

I'll call her up on the
Thursday evening, I'll go,

"how was the curry that you had on
Monday that you said you're having

again on Thursday that you enjoyed?
" "Didn't enjoy it."

"Why is that?" "Don't know,
it just wasn't the same."

She was expecting too much
and that's the problem.

- If I had that spicy sausage again...
- Yeah?

It's never gonna live up to it.
So forget the spicy sausage.

I've had I I've experienced it.

- So you'll never have another on?
- Well, it depends.

- So do you have anything twice ever?
- Maybe not.

- Jesus Christ.
- But this is insane, Karl.

Aside from you and your
auntie Nora, and presumably.

All the other Pilkington clan
are all as weird as one another,

why you phone her up and ask her what
she's having for tea, I don't know.

- Yeah, that's one thing.
- Not only what is happening on Monday,

why you phone her up and what you're gonna
dohaving on Thursday as well, know.

But I'll make a note of it in
the auntie Nora food diary.

That's proof that you really
aren't enjoying your life enough.

- Exactly.
- To go, "right, oh, fucking hell..."

- What else do you say to her?
- Then he's phoning her up again.

Late on the Friday to find out how
the Thursday curry went down.

- I know, exactly, yeah.
- That's two calls that week.

Unbelievable.
Just read her journal.

Now the question is, is it
better to enjoy something once.

And not again than not at all?

But you're an idiot because you're the
only person who experiences this.

That's not the choice.
That's not the choice for normal people.

"You can either never enjoy
summer or only enjoy it once."

- You can enjoy things loads of times.
- No, you can't.

That's what a hobby is.

A hobby is enjoying things
over and over again.

I haven't got a hobby, have I?
That's why.

I've had loads of hobbies in the past.
I did the dancing.

I did the boxing. I did, uh,
what else have I done?

That is it.
That's about it.

But... but that's what I'm
saying... I soon get bored.

And that's... it's like how you
enjoy, you know, I love munchies.

- Yeah? - But I always
enjoy the last one.

- More than...
- But that doesn't make sense.

That goes totally counter
to your argument.

No, because it's
from one packet.

- What?
- It's from one packet.

Whatififference does that make?
The first one's surely your favorite.

Hold on.
So if you'd have one munchie...

"Okay, go on.
Here's a munchie, mate."

You'd go,
"I'm not gonna take one.

Unless I can have all of them
and particularly the last one."

Well, no, I'd like to
have them all, please.

No no, you can't have them all.
Don't be so greedy.

Have one munchie.
Have the first munchie, there you go.

If I have one then I'm gonna
get a taste for them.

And then I'll probably
want another.

No, they're my munchies
though, aren't they?

Oh, I don't want them then.
Forget it.

So you'd rather have no
munchies than one munchie?

I'll go and buy a packet.
I'd prefer... I'd prefer to go,

"do you know what?
I fancy a packet of them."

But why do you enjoy the last
munchie more than the first?

Whereas you enjoy the first
curry but not the second curry?

Because you know
that's the last one.

No, because I'm eating
them all in one sitting.

I'm not going that's for
Monday, that's for Tuesday,

that's for Wednesday.
I'm talking about a packet of munchies.

- Right. - I eat them.
There's probably about 12 in a packet.

- Okay.
- I shove the first four in.

Without even thinking what
I'm eating basically.

- He shoves the first four in!
- "Without even thinking about what I'm eating."

Now then when you're getting towards
the end, you make them last more.

You might bite the top of them.
You look what's inside them.

- You go, "I'm liking this."
- But hold on!

- Every time? - What, every time
you buy a packet of munchies?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

So hold on though.
You must enjoy.

A packet of munchies
regularly then.

Not as often as you'd think.

I don't know.
It's not as I think... I don't know.

So tell me how often you
enjoy a packet of munchies.

Normally after I've sort of...
Maybe once a month.

So every month
you look forward toa a lovely ps.

And the same experience.

I like the first one.
I liked the last one.

The only thing
you know you enjoy,

you look forward to enjoy it
and it fulfills.

All those expectations is a fucking
packet of munchies once a month.

Fuck me.

What do you think happiness is?

Um, again, it...

You only know the happiness.

Because of the badness.

- You got to have a yin and a Yang.
- I know what you mean now.

I agree with you on this
because it's sort of no good.

To be handed it on a plate.
I mean, just from my own experience,

working for something
does feel better.

Because you've got... you've got
a pride and a satisfaction.

I genuinely think it's better
to start a business,

struggle,
go bust, come back,

than win the lottery.

- Yeah.
- I genuinely believe that.

But you need
the mixture, don't you?

So you find out what
your favorite thing is.

- It's like a bag of revels.
- Yeah, but you can't...

You can't cherish
guilt or shame.

Did you just say life
is like a bag of revels?

Isn't that dangerously close to
life is like a box of chocolates?

Fucking Forrest Gump over there, yeah.
Jesus hell.

No, but it is, isn't it?
And there's one or two in there.

- That I don't like.
- Like what?

- The raisin. The raisin with chocolate.
- No no no.

Yeah, no no no.
Metaphorically, what... what's the...

Actually named wharerevel
he doesn't like.

I'm telling you
because it works in life.

- Go on then.
- But the revel is there.

- You don't like raisins?
- Maybe if you have enough raisin ones.

You eventually go, "do you know what?
They're not that bad."

- What?
- And that's the thing in life.

What would you have written to
"Jim'll fix it" to fix for you?

What would have given you
pleasure as a kid?

Dear Jim, can you
fix it for me to do what?

Uh...

When I watched "Jim'll
fix it" as a kid,

they never really lived up to
what the kid wanted, did they?

But what would you
have reqststed?

But I don't think I would,
because I think I saw.

- How disappointed most of the kids were.
- Oh God! It's exhausting.

A kid liked whistling, they
brought out Roger whittaker.

Yes, because they look at it, they go,
"can you fix it for me to go into space?"

"No." "Can I dance
with bananarama?"

"No problem." That's
the ones they pick.

Yeah, so that's why
I wouldn't write in.

Because whatever you ask for, you're
always gonna get a watered-down version.

But if Jim could fix it for you to
do anything, what would you have chosen?

There's not many things
I wanted as a kid.

- Jesus Christ.
- One thing. Just one thing.

- To choose one thing, please.
- That me name was Bret.

Oh fucking hell.

I mean it's extraordinary.

There was no predicting that.

Okay, you know what? I can make that
dream come true for you right now, Bret.

Yeah, we can just call
you Bret from now on.

- Not a problem, Bret.
- Bret Pilkington.

- It sounds good.
- I love the fact that it's the Karl bit.

He wants to replace,
not the fucking Pilkington.

- No, but now that doesn't work
either because... - Why not, Bret?

Because I told me... I told me mom
and dad that that's what I wanted.

They started calling me that.
Well, then...

- They... they went along with it.
- Yeah.

So you said, "mom, dad,
call me Bret from now on."

And they went,
"all right."

Yeah, but then i kept
forgetting that I was Bret,

so I wasn't answering, so
they went back to Karl.

It's amazing!

So you've had
that dream come true.

Yeah, and it wasn't that good.
And that's what I'm saying to you...

Things never live up to what you want.
Dreams, what are they?

- When I was on holiday
recently... - Yeah?

I got talking
to an old fellow,

'cause where I went, it's
mainly for old people.

I got chatting with him.

Uh, you could tell
he had a lot of money.

He's sort of tanned.
He had, um,

that sort of...

Rouge-colored
sort of jeans.

- Oh, yeah.
- Telltale sign.

It's kind of like
he's got money.

- Yeah.
- And, um...

"The red jeans are
twice as much, sir."

"That's okay.
I've got money."

Yeah, it's sort of... it's
either that color or yellow.

But you can carry it off when you're
an old man, and especially with a tan.

You think, "yeah,
he's got a few quid."

"I'm a... I'm a millionaire.
Do you have any yellow jeans?"

"Uh, we've got one pair,
sir, but they're not... "

- "They're not our most expensive option.
" - "They're in the back room."

"Could I just see your...
Your bank account first?"

"There it is." "Oh, yeah, you can
afford yellow jeans, all right sir.

- Come this way."
- So I got talking to him.

And it turns out
he had a... cruise ship.

- Right.
- Los s of money.

Now I was chatting to him
for about 10 minutes.

- Yeah.
- What color was his jacket?

He didn't have a jacket
on, just a white shirt.

He's wearing red jeans
and a white shirt.

Yes, sort of leather... Leather
slip-on shoes that I can remember.

And how old was he?... It's hard
to tell because he was well-tanned.

Was he
an attractive man?

He's a good-looking
fellow.

So he was rich. You say you saw
this rich, good-looking bloke

- with just a shirt on.
- No, he had a shirt and his pink pants.

His pink pants and you just went over and
you started a conversation with him?

Why'd you notice his, um...
What color the crotch area was?

- What? - Why did you
notice what color the...

I could see
why you could see...

If you're looking in his face,
you can see a white shirt,

- but why could you see what color...
- I'll tell you why.

- ...That fabric around his testicles was?
- This is what I'm saying.

You saw a good looking
old man sat at the bar.

You ntnt up and bought
him a drink, right?

No, I was waiting
for the barbecue to open.

- Right.
- Okay.

- So you noticed a man's trousers?
- I got there early.

- So it's 9:00 in the morning.
- No.

- No?
- I was annoyed.

I don't like late nights
on holiday.

It was jet lag. Suzanne said, "let's
go down there early tonight."

- Right. - I get there.
I find out the barbecue's

not for another
40-odd minutes.

- What time was it?
- The holiday rep...

Well, I don't know. It starts at
8:00, so I had to wait 40 minutes.

You're noticing old men's
genital coverings,

but you don't know
what fucking time it is?

- Yeah, but what I'm saying...
- Get your story straight.

What I'm saying to you is the
reason i noticed his pants

is because what he was talking about...
There was no reference points.

I didn't have a clue what
he was going on about.

Right. What was he talking about
for your eyes to wander down

to his penis, is what
I'm trying to say?

What made you look
at his penis?

Because I got bored.

I didn't know... what I'm
trying to say to you is.

His reference points, I had no
idea what he was going on about.

- When you're talking to a stranger...
- Mm-hmm.

-...Aren't you meant to
keep it...Above the waist?

- Keep it, uh...
- Looking at his bollocks.

- Keep it...
- Erect.

Oh, I made Karl laugh.

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