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For the past few years
Ricky Gervais,
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00:00:12,320 --> 00:00:15,054
Stephen Merchant,
and Karl Pilkington
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00:00:15,088 --> 00:00:17,055
have been meeting regularly
4
00:00:17,089 --> 00:00:19,256
for a series
of pointless conversations.
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00:00:19,290 --> 00:00:21,392
This is one of them.
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00:00:21,426 --> 00:00:22,961
- Testing.
- Is that all right?
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00:00:25,031 --> 00:00:28,201
Hello and welcome
to "The Ricky Gervais Show"
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00:00:28,235 --> 00:00:30,035
with me, Ricky Gervais,
Stephen Merchant...
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- Hello.
- ...And the little round-headed buffoon
10
00:00:33,107 --> 00:00:34,707
that is Karl Pilkington.
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00:00:34,742 --> 00:00:36,309
Hi.
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00:00:42,147 --> 00:00:44,816
Karl, as you're aware, you've
obviously got many celebrity fans.
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00:00:44,850 --> 00:00:46,684
And you've also got
a new fan, Warwick Davis,
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00:00:46,718 --> 00:00:49,353
who is the short actor
that many people will see
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00:00:49,387 --> 00:00:51,354
in films like
"Return of the Jedi."
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00:00:51,389 --> 00:00:53,022
He also is
in "Harry Potter."
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00:00:53,057 --> 00:00:56,158
He's 3'6" and Ricky and I
worked with him recently.
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00:00:56,192 --> 00:00:59,460
And far from asking us about the many
celebrity names that we've worked with,
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00:00:59,495 --> 00:01:01,763
the only person he was
interested in talking about,
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00:01:01,797 --> 00:01:03,699
of course...
Mr. K. Pilkington.
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00:01:03,733 --> 00:01:07,302
- He wanted to meet you, Karl.
- Yeah.
22
00:01:07,337 --> 00:01:10,506
Well, is he... is he all
right to get on with?
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00:01:10,540 --> 00:01:13,142
- Why wouldn't he be?
- Um...
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00:01:13,176 --> 00:01:16,179
Just because sometimes when
people act normal, it's just...
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00:01:16,213 --> 00:01:19,850
- Well, just... sorry?
- No, I just mean when... when someone...
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00:01:19,884 --> 00:01:22,820
Like I've met a few
little people in my time.
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00:01:22,854 --> 00:01:26,591
The one that I... I met a little
fellow once and he was all right.
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00:01:26,625 --> 00:01:29,394
He got drunk really quick.
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00:01:29,428 --> 00:01:32,998
But he was all right,
but it took me by surprise,
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00:01:33,032 --> 00:01:34,799
only because...
like I've said about
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00:01:34,834 --> 00:01:36,268
when I met Steve
for the first time.
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00:01:36,302 --> 00:01:37,536
It's only that same thing.
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00:01:37,571 --> 00:01:39,204
And then if I lived
with the little fellow,
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00:01:39,239 --> 00:01:40,406
I'm sure we'd get on a storm.
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00:01:40,440 --> 00:01:42,007
What do you mean
when you met Steve?
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00:01:42,042 --> 00:01:45,344
There's a TV show waiting to happen.
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00:01:45,379 --> 00:01:46,812
Things wear off.
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00:01:46,847 --> 00:01:48,581
That's like the world,
isn't it?
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00:01:48,615 --> 00:01:51,184
And it's the same with the little
fellow you're talking about.
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00:01:51,218 --> 00:01:53,719
First time I see him,
I'd be a little bit like,
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00:01:53,754 --> 00:01:55,188
well, what do you say?
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00:01:55,222 --> 00:01:56,689
Whereas as once
you get to know him,
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00:01:56,724 --> 00:01:59,259
I'm sure he'd be
a lovely little fella.
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00:01:59,293 --> 00:02:02,195
I don't know
where to start, Steve.
45
00:02:02,229 --> 00:02:03,863
But Warwick asks, really,
46
00:02:03,897 --> 00:02:07,132
"What are your thoughts
on short people,
47
00:02:07,167 --> 00:02:08,900
particularly
in entertainment?"
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00:02:08,935 --> 00:02:12,403
Because, of course, they've throughout
the ages made an appearance,
49
00:02:12,438 --> 00:02:14,772
particularly in fiction...
Tom Thumb, of course,
50
00:02:14,806 --> 00:02:16,841
the oompa-loompas.
51
00:02:16,875 --> 00:02:20,143
- What do I think of them? - He's just
wondering, I suppose, what your take is.
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00:02:20,178 --> 00:02:22,445
Um, they're all right.
53
00:02:22,480 --> 00:02:24,715
I mean when I was on jury duty,
54
00:02:24,749 --> 00:02:26,383
every day I would
sort of see one pop in
55
00:02:26,417 --> 00:02:28,386
and he'd be sort of struggling
getting on the chair.
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00:02:28,420 --> 00:02:31,423
And he'd sort of... you know,
he wasn't struggling in a way
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00:02:31,457 --> 00:02:32,924
that he felt uncomfortable.
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00:02:32,958 --> 00:02:34,792
He had obviously climbed
a lot of chairs in his time,
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00:02:34,827 --> 00:02:36,895
and this was just another one.
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00:02:36,929 --> 00:02:40,832
And I... Watching him, it just
makes you... makes you think.
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00:02:40,866 --> 00:02:43,001
You go, "You know,
I should appreciate
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00:02:43,035 --> 00:02:44,635
that I don't have
that problem every time
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00:02:44,670 --> 00:02:46,170
"I have to sit down
and what have you."
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00:02:46,205 --> 00:02:48,139
But I don't... you know,
I don't think it's that bad.
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00:02:48,173 --> 00:02:52,710
If I had to pick being
really tall or really small,
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00:02:52,744 --> 00:02:54,212
I'd go for the really small one
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00:02:54,246 --> 00:02:56,313
because, you know,
it's... the world's
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00:02:56,348 --> 00:02:58,182
a more interesting place
for him, isn't it?
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00:02:58,216 --> 00:03:00,084
Everything's bigger.
Do you know what I mean?
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00:03:00,118 --> 00:03:02,086
We go to New York and go,
"Wow, look at this."
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00:03:02,120 --> 00:03:04,322
And they go
and they go, "Oh dear."
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00:03:04,356 --> 00:03:06,491
Do you know what I mean?
Everything's a lot bigger.
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00:03:06,525 --> 00:03:08,226
Everything's more amazing.
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00:03:08,260 --> 00:03:11,462
Food portions...
Everything's a bonus.
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00:03:11,496 --> 00:03:13,097
So out of the two,
I'd be small.
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00:03:13,132 --> 00:03:15,233
And maybe that's what I'd chat
to Warwick about for a bit
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00:03:15,268 --> 00:03:17,536
just to get to know...
get to know him.
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00:03:17,570 --> 00:03:19,038
- Brilliant.
- It's a shame anyway
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00:03:19,072 --> 00:03:20,373
that he's not
been able to pop in.
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00:03:20,407 --> 00:03:21,908
I'd like to hear
that conversation.
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00:03:21,942 --> 00:03:23,776
But I've got...
you know,
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00:03:23,811 --> 00:03:26,312
speaking of like weird stuff
and that, I've got a new...
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00:03:26,346 --> 00:03:28,514
Well, we weren't, but go on.
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00:03:28,549 --> 00:03:29,649
No, got a new book.
85
00:03:29,683 --> 00:03:31,451
Do you know how I had
that freaks book,
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00:03:31,486 --> 00:03:32,919
"Top 50 Freaks?"
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00:03:32,953 --> 00:03:34,720
Got a new one sent to me.
88
00:03:34,755 --> 00:03:36,222
- Really?
- Yeah.
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00:03:36,256 --> 00:03:40,159
And do you know how like
everything normally has a name?
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00:03:40,194 --> 00:03:42,528
So like if it's
the two-headed fellow...
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00:03:42,562 --> 00:03:44,763
you know, they're all nicknames
like that, aren't they?
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00:03:44,798 --> 00:03:46,465
They've got two nicknames,
I imagine then.
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00:03:46,500 --> 00:03:49,034
But this new book I've got,
right... on the cover of this one
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00:03:49,069 --> 00:03:51,636
it's got like a woman
with three breasts, right?
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00:03:51,671 --> 00:03:55,106
And she's called the... the
three-breasted woman, as you'd expect.
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00:03:55,141 --> 00:03:56,808
The one-faced...
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00:03:56,842 --> 00:03:59,110
Why is she posing nude, though?
That's what I wanna know.
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00:03:59,144 --> 00:04:02,146
- Tart.
- Well, she looks happy.
99
00:04:02,180 --> 00:04:04,048
And there was a fella
with, like, one...
100
00:04:04,082 --> 00:04:06,250
One face but two bodies.
101
00:04:06,285 --> 00:04:08,653
What do you mean one face but two bodies?
102
00:04:08,687 --> 00:04:12,090
- One face, two bodies.
- What do you mean one face, two bodies?
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00:04:12,124 --> 00:04:13,859
Surely he had one head,
two bodies.
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00:04:13,893 --> 00:04:16,295
Head as well, but it was
mainly the face that was weird
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'cause he looked fed up.
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00:04:18,432 --> 00:04:21,167
- How can you have a face without a head?
- What are you talking about?
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How can you have...
What do you mean?
108
00:04:22,703 --> 00:04:24,236
How did it join to the neck?
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00:04:24,271 --> 00:04:26,038
No, it did...
it did have a head,
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00:04:26,072 --> 00:04:29,374
but the fact is it was weird
that it had one face to me.
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00:04:29,409 --> 00:04:30,976
What do you mean?
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00:04:31,010 --> 00:04:32,945
If you've got one head,
you'd have one face.
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00:04:32,979 --> 00:04:34,513
Yeah, I know,
but it was just...
114
00:04:34,548 --> 00:04:36,715
It was the fact
that he had one face
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00:04:36,750 --> 00:04:38,484
and two bodies
that I didn't think...
116
00:04:38,518 --> 00:04:40,486
but why do you keep saying
"one face and two bodies"
117
00:04:40,520 --> 00:04:42,221
as opposed to "one head
and two bodies"?
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00:04:42,255 --> 00:04:44,323
We're all the man
with one face.
119
00:04:44,357 --> 00:04:46,292
Yeah, but now
I've got one body.
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00:04:46,326 --> 00:04:48,294
Yeah well, surely he's the
man with two bodies then.
121
00:04:48,328 --> 00:04:49,728
Again, the description...
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00:04:49,763 --> 00:04:52,698
Roll up, roll up.
See the man with one face.
123
00:04:52,732 --> 00:04:54,233
I know, yeah.
124
00:04:54,267 --> 00:04:55,734
So it's full of stuff
like that, right.
125
00:04:55,769 --> 00:04:57,469
And what I'm saying is,
that fella, you know,
126
00:04:57,504 --> 00:04:59,772
the one-faced man,
the three-breasted woman...
127
00:04:59,806 --> 00:05:02,507
He wouldn't be known as the
one-faced man is what I'm saying.
128
00:05:02,542 --> 00:05:05,410
- Well, they've all...
- That isn't the peculiar thing about him.
129
00:05:05,445 --> 00:05:07,479
- No, well, they all had names like that.
- Right.
130
00:05:07,513 --> 00:05:09,047
But there was one thing in it
131
00:05:09,082 --> 00:05:11,150
that didn't even
have a nickname.
132
00:05:11,184 --> 00:05:14,653
It was so weird.
133
00:05:14,688 --> 00:05:16,622
What do you mean?
134
00:05:16,656 --> 00:05:19,024
It was just... it
just said "unidentified."
135
00:05:19,058 --> 00:05:21,493
What... what did
it look like?
136
00:05:21,527 --> 00:05:25,663
Um, sort of... sort of
testicles for eyes.
137
00:05:28,768 --> 00:05:30,768
That's... that's... it just
reminded me when you...
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00:05:30,803 --> 00:05:32,337
What do you mean
"testicles for eyes"?
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00:05:32,371 --> 00:05:34,039
And what does he...
Did he have a normal body?
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00:05:34,073 --> 00:05:37,108
- I didn't even look at that.
- Oh, for...
141
00:05:37,142 --> 00:05:38,676
That's what I'm saying, though.
142
00:05:38,711 --> 00:05:40,978
You're attracted to the
oddness of the thing,
143
00:05:41,013 --> 00:05:43,480
and that's what I was
saying about Warren
144
00:05:43,515 --> 00:05:45,316
- when he walks in.
- Warwick.
145
00:05:45,350 --> 00:05:48,318
You know, it... it'll
be odd for a minute.
146
00:05:48,353 --> 00:05:50,287
And then I'm sure...
147
00:05:50,321 --> 00:05:53,924
- For him it will be. - But he'll get
over it. He'll get used to you.
148
00:05:53,958 --> 00:05:55,892
I've got my head
around it a bit more
149
00:05:55,926 --> 00:05:58,294
and the way that there's
loads of people in the world,
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00:05:58,328 --> 00:06:01,697
and yet you don't see people with
like dangly eyes more often.
151
00:06:01,731 --> 00:06:03,766
It amazes me.
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00:06:03,800 --> 00:06:07,704
I love the fact that he's
amazed by not seeing freaks.
153
00:06:07,738 --> 00:06:09,239
- Yeah yeah yeah.
- It's incredible.
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00:06:09,273 --> 00:06:11,007
He's walking
down the street going,
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00:06:11,042 --> 00:06:12,809
"Everyone's got one head.
That's weird."
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00:06:12,844 --> 00:06:14,444
"Suzanne, see any
dangly eyes today?
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00:06:14,479 --> 00:06:16,346
No? Me neither."
158
00:06:16,381 --> 00:06:19,216
"It's weird, isn't it?
What's going on in the world?."
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00:06:22,353 --> 00:06:25,255
Went out the other night
with the lads.
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00:06:25,289 --> 00:06:28,391
You know, it was a few
of us, you know...
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00:06:28,426 --> 00:06:30,359
young, free and single.
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00:06:30,394 --> 00:06:33,262
- Must have looked like "Swingers."
- Oh! It was pretty...
163
00:06:33,297 --> 00:06:35,231
- It looked like a boy band had gone out.
- Really?
164
00:06:35,265 --> 00:06:37,700
It looked like, you know,
nSync had hit the streets.
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00:06:37,734 --> 00:06:39,636
All right. Yeah, excellent.
166
00:06:39,670 --> 00:06:41,338
A friend of mine said,
"Let's go to a club."
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00:06:41,372 --> 00:06:43,006
I haven't been to a
nightclub for a long time.
168
00:06:43,040 --> 00:06:44,974
Is that because
your glasses steam up
169
00:06:45,009 --> 00:06:46,642
when you walk in
out of the cold?
170
00:06:46,677 --> 00:06:48,177
That is a problem
in the winter.
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00:06:48,212 --> 00:06:49,646
I genuinely...
it's not...
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00:06:49,680 --> 00:06:51,614
It's very difficult
to make a good impression...
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...When you... as you walk in
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00:06:53,550 --> 00:06:55,284
and your glasses
steam up straightaway
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00:06:55,318 --> 00:06:59,087
and, you know, you've gotta take
them off and clean them and stuff.
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00:06:59,122 --> 00:07:00,856
And then, you know,
you get a bit...
177
00:07:00,890 --> 00:07:03,358
on your y-fronts. You pull your
y-fronts up through the jeans.
178
00:07:03,392 --> 00:07:05,260
- Yeah.
- Clean them on that.
179
00:07:05,294 --> 00:07:08,196
Or the back of a girl's dress.
180
00:07:08,231 --> 00:07:09,998
But we cruised down
to the club.
181
00:07:10,033 --> 00:07:11,967
It was one of those big
sort of London super clubs.
182
00:07:12,001 --> 00:07:14,869
And there was a bit of a queue.
I think it's a bit of a chore.
183
00:07:14,904 --> 00:07:16,238
But we're queuing up.
We're in good spirits.
184
00:07:16,272 --> 00:07:17,906
We were looking at it.
It sounds pretty funky.
185
00:07:17,940 --> 00:07:19,407
We can hear the music
coming out.
186
00:07:19,442 --> 00:07:21,743
Been in the queue for quite
a while... 20, 25 minutes.
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00:07:21,778 --> 00:07:23,178
Forget it.
25 minutes?
188
00:07:23,213 --> 00:07:25,313
Well yeah, we were pretty
excited by this point.
189
00:07:25,348 --> 00:07:27,316
The doorman says,
"All right, lads?"
190
00:07:27,350 --> 00:07:28,750
I said, "Yeah.
Can we come in please?
191
00:07:28,784 --> 00:07:30,518
- He went, "No, you're not."
- Really?
192
00:07:30,552 --> 00:07:32,220
He said,
"You're not coming in."
193
00:07:32,254 --> 00:07:34,222
And he just immediately
lifted the little rope
194
00:07:34,256 --> 00:07:36,257
and sent us away
from the queue, right.
195
00:07:36,292 --> 00:07:37,659
And we were slightly perplexed.
196
00:07:37,693 --> 00:07:39,561
We were dumbfounded.
We didn't know what to do.
197
00:07:39,595 --> 00:07:41,797
It was like this didn't...
Couldn't be happening.
198
00:07:41,831 --> 00:07:44,399
It didn't make sense. We just queued...
queued up. What was going on?
199
00:07:44,433 --> 00:07:47,736
And so my friend said, "Well, we've gotta
find out why he's not gonna let us in."
200
00:07:47,771 --> 00:07:49,972
- So he goes back over...
- Yeah, that's what you wanna do.
201
00:07:50,007 --> 00:07:51,474
You wanted tie him up
with logic.
202
00:07:51,509 --> 00:07:53,109
- That'll show a bouncer.
- Exactly.
203
00:07:53,144 --> 00:07:54,711
Yeah, show him
how educated you are
204
00:07:54,746 --> 00:07:56,880
and how you can win an argument
and make him look stupid.
205
00:07:56,915 --> 00:07:58,382
You'll be in that club
in no time.
206
00:07:58,417 --> 00:08:00,151
That's what they appreciate.
207
00:08:00,185 --> 00:08:01,853
They love that
because what they respect
208
00:08:01,887 --> 00:08:03,355
is being made
to look like a fool.
209
00:08:03,389 --> 00:08:05,990
Yeah, exactly.
210
00:08:06,024 --> 00:08:07,925
So we went over and, uh...
211
00:08:07,959 --> 00:08:09,927
They really look up
to intellectuals.
212
00:08:09,961 --> 00:08:12,262
Exactly, yeah.
213
00:08:12,296 --> 00:08:14,097
So one of our mates
goes over and he says,
214
00:08:14,131 --> 00:08:15,665
"Why didn't
you let us in?"
215
00:08:15,699 --> 00:08:18,167
And he went, "Because you didn't
have any girls with you."
216
00:08:22,238 --> 00:08:25,107
Now I'll tell you this...
217
00:08:25,142 --> 00:08:27,843
That's kicking you
when you're down.
218
00:08:27,877 --> 00:08:29,579
Because when you're out
on a Saturday night
219
00:08:29,613 --> 00:08:31,347
trying to get into a club
to meet women
220
00:08:31,381 --> 00:08:32,815
and the reason you're not
allowed to go in
221
00:08:32,849 --> 00:08:34,450
is because you haven't got
any women with you,
222
00:08:34,484 --> 00:08:35,718
that's just salt in the wound.
223
00:08:35,752 --> 00:08:37,520
It's so humiliating.
224
00:08:37,555 --> 00:08:39,656
So a friend of mine says,
225
00:08:39,690 --> 00:08:41,892
"Look, there's a VIP
entrance over there."
226
00:08:41,926 --> 00:08:43,961
And there was, like,
a woman with a clipboard...
227
00:08:43,995 --> 00:08:46,663
you know, the guest list,
separate entrance.
228
00:08:46,698 --> 00:08:49,434
He said, "You know, you've got a
little bit of profile, Steve.
229
00:08:49,468 --> 00:08:51,436
Why don't we try
and use your..."
230
00:08:51,470 --> 00:08:53,672
You ran home, got your
Golden Globe and your Emmy.
231
00:08:53,706 --> 00:08:55,340
Yeah, exactly.
Well, I always...
232
00:08:55,374 --> 00:08:57,643
I always carry, you know,
some of my cuttings with me.
233
00:08:57,677 --> 00:09:00,546
- Yeah.
- And... so...
234
00:09:00,580 --> 00:09:02,247
and I felt a bit
self-conscious about it.
235
00:09:02,281 --> 00:09:04,449
I was thinking, "I'm not into this.
It's a bit awkward."
236
00:09:04,483 --> 00:09:06,685
But he said, "Look, don't worry.
You just stand here.
237
00:09:06,719 --> 00:09:09,187
Just stand here just like
you're having a conversation.
238
00:09:09,221 --> 00:09:11,022
I'll go over. I'll say...
I'll point him out.
239
00:09:11,056 --> 00:09:13,323
"'There's Steve Merchant over
there, the lad on 'The Office.'"
240
00:09:13,357 --> 00:09:15,459
- Oh God, Steve!
- So I thought... well, you know,
241
00:09:15,493 --> 00:09:17,694
the thing is we were out
and I was a bit frustrated
242
00:09:17,728 --> 00:09:19,195
and I thought, you know,
243
00:09:19,230 --> 00:09:21,064
we may as well try everything.
244
00:09:21,098 --> 00:09:23,066
So... so I stand there.
245
00:09:23,100 --> 00:09:24,567
My friend goes over
and he has a word
246
00:09:24,602 --> 00:09:26,536
and he comes back
and he says, "It's fine.
247
00:09:26,570 --> 00:09:29,840
She can't let us in the VIP
entrance because she's not allowed.
248
00:09:29,874 --> 00:09:33,109
But what she can do is walk us to
the front of the queue, right...
249
00:09:33,143 --> 00:09:35,010
"Walk to the front
of the queue and explain."
250
00:09:35,045 --> 00:09:37,079
- So I was like, "Okay, fine."
- Oh God.
251
00:09:37,113 --> 00:09:38,647
So we walk past everyone else
252
00:09:38,681 --> 00:09:40,215
to the front
of the queue, right.
253
00:09:40,250 --> 00:09:41,650
She goes up to the guy.
254
00:09:41,685 --> 00:09:44,287
She says, "This is
Steve Merchant, 'office.'"
255
00:09:44,321 --> 00:09:46,923
the guy goes, "I know who he is.
We're not letting him in."
256
00:09:46,957 --> 00:09:49,159
Oh God! Oh God.
257
00:09:49,193 --> 00:09:51,428
By now, of course, some
people have recognized me,
258
00:09:51,462 --> 00:09:53,697
so they're having... trying
to have my photo taken.
259
00:09:53,732 --> 00:09:56,334
So there's people
inside the line
260
00:09:56,369 --> 00:09:58,136
that's being allowed
in the club.
261
00:09:58,170 --> 00:10:00,239
I've gotta lean across the rope
262
00:10:00,273 --> 00:10:01,841
to have my photo
taken with them,
263
00:10:01,875 --> 00:10:03,809
even though I'm not
allowed in the club.
264
00:10:03,844 --> 00:10:05,444
So they go, "All right,
this is Steve."
265
00:10:05,478 --> 00:10:07,913
They're having their photos
taken... camera phones and that.
266
00:10:07,947 --> 00:10:10,850
They're going into the club where the
music... the party's kicking off.
267
00:10:10,884 --> 00:10:12,719
I'm outside waiting
for the next chump
268
00:10:12,753 --> 00:10:15,288
who wants to have
his photo taken.
269
00:10:15,323 --> 00:10:17,558
I mean it was mental.
270
00:10:17,592 --> 00:10:19,226
- So, um...
- That's unbelievable.
271
00:10:19,260 --> 00:10:20,728
I was furious.
And then one guy...
272
00:10:20,762 --> 00:10:22,096
I remember he was...
he was trying...
273
00:10:22,130 --> 00:10:24,464
and he goes, "Oh yeah, brilliant.
I love the podcast.
274
00:10:24,499 --> 00:10:25,966
I love Karl.
Is Karl with you?"
275
00:10:26,000 --> 00:10:27,300
I said,
"Karl's not here."
276
00:10:27,334 --> 00:10:29,302
And his girlfriend,
she went, "Who's that?"
277
00:10:29,336 --> 00:10:31,071
And he went,
"Oh, this is Steve Merchant.
278
00:10:31,105 --> 00:10:32,872
He does 'The Office.'
He does the thing..."
279
00:10:32,907 --> 00:10:36,242
and she went, "Who cares?
Who are you, Bruce Forsyth?"
280
00:10:36,276 --> 00:10:38,043
And it's that thing
when suddenly
281
00:10:38,078 --> 00:10:40,479
I'm being humiliated
and embarrassed
282
00:10:40,513 --> 00:10:42,314
by someone's girlfriend.
283
00:10:42,348 --> 00:10:43,815
I never asked for that.
284
00:10:43,850 --> 00:10:45,518
I never asked
for her opinion on me.
285
00:10:45,552 --> 00:10:47,319
I'm sorry
if I don't impress you,
286
00:10:47,354 --> 00:10:49,088
if I'm not sufficiently
famous for you,
287
00:10:49,123 --> 00:10:50,524
but it's not my fault.
288
00:10:50,558 --> 00:10:52,192
It's your boyfriend
who brought it up!
289
00:10:52,227 --> 00:10:53,995
It was like I had
gone over to her
290
00:10:54,029 --> 00:10:55,930
and tried to show off
and she was annoyed.
291
00:10:55,964 --> 00:10:57,365
So by now, I was just furious.
292
00:10:57,399 --> 00:10:59,567
- Oh God.
- So I thought, "Forget this."
293
00:10:59,601 --> 00:11:01,135
Well, I was walking
down the street
294
00:11:01,169 --> 00:11:04,038
and there's a group of builders
295
00:11:04,072 --> 00:11:05,807
sitting down
having a cup of tea.
296
00:11:05,841 --> 00:11:08,343
One of them goes, "All right, Rick?"
I went, "All right, mate."
297
00:11:08,377 --> 00:11:10,111
The other one went,
"Not as fat as on telly."
298
00:11:10,145 --> 00:11:12,647
I went...
299
00:11:12,682 --> 00:11:15,350
Oh thanks.
"Not as fat as on telly."
300
00:11:15,384 --> 00:11:18,153
So he went with,
"Well, you are fat,
301
00:11:18,187 --> 00:11:20,288
but you look even fatter
on telly."
302
00:11:20,322 --> 00:11:22,990
He didn't say, "Oh God,
you don't look fat at all,"
303
00:11:23,024 --> 00:11:26,393
or, "Oh you look... you look big
on telly, but you don't look..."
304
00:11:26,427 --> 00:11:29,262
just went with
"Not as fat as on telly."
305
00:11:29,297 --> 00:11:31,498
There was nothing I could
say but, "Cheers, mate."
306
00:11:31,532 --> 00:11:32,832
Now when you said,
"Cheers, mate,"
307
00:11:32,867 --> 00:11:34,133
did you say that
because you were...
308
00:11:34,168 --> 00:11:35,401
because I'd say,
"Cheers, mate,"
309
00:11:35,435 --> 00:11:36,768
because I'd be
a bit scared of them.
310
00:11:36,803 --> 00:11:39,137
No, it was more slight
sarcasm into it, you know.
311
00:11:39,171 --> 00:11:40,906
I laughed right after.
I went, "You're..."
312
00:11:40,940 --> 00:11:43,141
See, you can get away with sarcasm
with working-class blokes.
313
00:11:43,176 --> 00:11:45,077
I'm a bit more secure
with the working-class man
314
00:11:45,112 --> 00:11:46,611
- than you are, aren't I?
- I'm terrified of them.
315
00:11:46,646 --> 00:11:48,447
I feel like they're gonna
turn on me at any minute.
316
00:11:48,481 --> 00:11:50,916
You don't feel confident
backing in a lorry driver?
317
00:11:50,950 --> 00:11:52,517
- Terrified.
- All right.
318
00:11:52,551 --> 00:11:54,352
Because if I did,
he'd probably lean out
319
00:11:54,387 --> 00:11:56,722
- and just go, "Get your dad, mate."
- Yeah, "Not you."
320
00:11:56,756 --> 00:11:59,624
- "Fuck off. I'm not interested."
- "Not you." Yeah.
321
00:12:01,494 --> 00:12:04,029
Oh, he's only gone
and written it down!
322
00:12:07,934 --> 00:12:09,869
That jingle there
323
00:12:09,903 --> 00:12:12,138
signifying, of course,
once again another reading
324
00:12:12,172 --> 00:12:14,708
from the diary
of Karl Pilkington.
325
00:12:14,742 --> 00:12:16,844
Now of course, for those
of you who have not been
326
00:12:16,878 --> 00:12:19,914
keeping abreast of Karl's
medical complaints...
327
00:12:19,948 --> 00:12:21,416
Just bring us
up to speed, Karl.
328
00:12:21,450 --> 00:12:23,418
You had to go into hospital
because previously
329
00:12:23,452 --> 00:12:25,153
- you'd had treatment.
- I've been in and out...
330
00:12:25,187 --> 00:12:26,855
Honestly I've been
in and out of that hospital
331
00:12:26,889 --> 00:12:30,425
just with kidney problems...
332
00:12:30,459 --> 00:12:32,327
Really painful
and what have you.
333
00:12:32,362 --> 00:12:34,930
- And...
- You had kidney stones, all right?
334
00:12:34,964 --> 00:12:36,865
- It's sorted.
- No no, but seriously.
335
00:12:36,899 --> 00:12:38,733
"Had a bit of a lie-in today
because I have to get up early"
336
00:12:38,768 --> 00:12:40,168
for my operation tomorrow.
337
00:12:40,202 --> 00:12:42,671
Not only have I got to have
tubes shoved up my knob,
338
00:12:42,705 --> 00:12:45,473
but I also have
to get up at 5:50.
339
00:12:45,508 --> 00:12:48,243
"Suzanne said I could have what
I want for my last dinner."
340
00:12:48,277 --> 00:12:50,412
It's not your last dinner.
You're going in for an operation.
341
00:12:50,446 --> 00:12:53,215
Yeah, but you can't take
things for granted these days.
342
00:12:53,249 --> 00:12:55,083
- Oh, for...
- "I had shepherd's pie and peas.
343
00:12:55,118 --> 00:12:56,652
Suzanne made it from scratch.
344
00:12:56,686 --> 00:12:58,921
As nice as it was,
it was annoying
345
00:12:58,955 --> 00:13:01,657
because making stuff from
scratch means loads of pots
346
00:13:01,692 --> 00:13:03,459
and it's my job
to do the washing up.
347
00:13:03,494 --> 00:13:07,062
So much as the food was nice,
there was loads of pans and that.
348
00:13:07,097 --> 00:13:09,998
"People who get their last dinner on
death row don't have to wash up."
349
00:13:10,033 --> 00:13:12,267
"Got up at 5:55."
350
00:13:14,370 --> 00:13:16,938
You were supposed to be getting
up at 5:50 on the other page.
351
00:13:16,973 --> 00:13:18,573
You were five minutes late
getting up.
352
00:13:18,608 --> 00:13:20,575
- He's often late.
- Often late.
353
00:13:20,610 --> 00:13:22,877
"Got to the hospital and had
to wait in the waiting room."
354
00:13:22,912 --> 00:13:25,580
There was another nine people
in there waiting to be sorted.
355
00:13:25,614 --> 00:13:27,248
I got called in.
356
00:13:27,282 --> 00:13:29,584
They sat me on a bed
and took all my details down.
357
00:13:29,618 --> 00:13:31,419
Five minutes later
I had been knocked out.
358
00:13:31,454 --> 00:13:34,256
I got woke up when they were
ripping a pipe out of my throat.
359
00:13:34,290 --> 00:13:35,758
I felt more rough this time.
360
00:13:35,792 --> 00:13:37,259
The doctor came
to see me and said
361
00:13:37,294 --> 00:13:39,061
he couldn't find a stone
so I must have passed it.
362
00:13:39,096 --> 00:13:40,563
I said, 'Are you sure?'
He said, 'Yeah.
363
00:13:40,597 --> 00:13:42,431
We filled your kidney
with water and expanded it
364
00:13:42,465 --> 00:13:44,032
and there was
no hiding place.'
365
00:13:44,066 --> 00:13:46,968
I sat in the recovery room for an
hour while they found me a bed.
366
00:13:47,003 --> 00:13:48,603
One of the fellows
who was sat in the room
367
00:13:48,637 --> 00:13:50,104
with me this morning
got wheeled in.
368
00:13:50,138 --> 00:13:51,772
They couldn't wake him up.
369
00:13:51,807 --> 00:13:54,007
All the nurses were laughing
'cause he didn't wanna wake up.
370
00:13:54,041 --> 00:13:56,476
I bet they were laughing at
me when I was in the theater.
371
00:13:56,510 --> 00:13:59,478
Someone told me they totally strip
you when they're operating.
372
00:13:59,512 --> 00:14:02,180
"I would have looked like the
alien on the Boswell Incident."
373
00:14:02,215 --> 00:14:05,918
Boswell? Boswell!
374
00:14:05,952 --> 00:14:08,787
It's quite a nice analogy
375
00:14:08,822 --> 00:14:10,889
if it weren't for the fact
that you said "Boswell."
376
00:14:10,924 --> 00:14:13,658
- It's...
- It's the Roswell Incident.
377
00:14:13,693 --> 00:14:15,259
"Didn't sleep much
through the night"
378
00:14:15,294 --> 00:14:17,495
because there was
a 60-year-old fellow
379
00:14:17,529 --> 00:14:20,097
shouting at the nurse
about his pillows.
380
00:14:20,132 --> 00:14:21,899
I don't think I slept
through a full hour
381
00:14:21,934 --> 00:14:23,601
with one thing
or another going on.
382
00:14:23,635 --> 00:14:25,904
"My bed was next to the toilet
so I kept hearing the flush."
383
00:14:25,938 --> 00:14:28,407
How do they sleep in hospitals, though?
384
00:14:28,442 --> 00:14:29,908
They wake you up to give you
385
00:14:29,943 --> 00:14:31,977
fucking sleeping pills
and things, don't they?
386
00:14:32,012 --> 00:14:33,479
How do you sleep in there?
387
00:14:33,514 --> 00:14:35,248
I don't know what it is.
There's no air.
388
00:14:35,282 --> 00:14:37,684
There was an old fellow across
from me who kept breaking wind.
389
00:14:37,718 --> 00:14:39,619
He didn't even try and cover it.
390
00:14:39,654 --> 00:14:42,222
He was just
of that age where he didn't care.
391
00:14:42,256 --> 00:14:43,557
Just like, "That's what I do.
392
00:14:43,591 --> 00:14:45,125
I'm in the hospital.
Leave me alone."
393
00:14:45,159 --> 00:14:47,727
What do you mean?
394
00:14:47,761 --> 00:14:49,462
Just... I don't know
what was wrong with him.
395
00:14:49,496 --> 00:14:52,397
He's... I talked to him because
at first I felt sorry for him.
396
00:14:52,432 --> 00:14:55,634
I was a little bit like, you know,
he's... he's had no visitors.
397
00:14:55,668 --> 00:14:57,702
No one's calling him up,
so I'll talk to him.
398
00:14:57,737 --> 00:14:59,737
But then he got
that familiar with me
399
00:14:59,772 --> 00:15:02,073
that he'd just be doing it whilst
I'm chatting to him.
400
00:15:02,107 --> 00:15:03,574
Just like he's my
granddad or something.
401
00:15:03,609 --> 00:15:05,276
It's just like
that's what he does.
402
00:15:05,310 --> 00:15:07,945
It's like, well, I'm ill as well.
Stop doing that.
403
00:15:10,749 --> 00:15:12,182
Honestly unbelievable.
404
00:15:12,217 --> 00:15:14,118
He didn't even try
and cover it with a cough.
405
00:15:14,153 --> 00:15:17,388
- It was just like that's...
- Cover it with a cough!
406
00:15:17,422 --> 00:15:19,490
How would you cover it
with a cough?
407
00:15:19,524 --> 00:15:22,126
- Just nonstop.
- "Got home and sat down.
408
00:15:22,160 --> 00:15:24,529
My pains are coming back, but the
doctor said this would happen,
409
00:15:24,563 --> 00:15:27,031
that my insides are still in shock,
so I need to take it easy.
410
00:15:27,066 --> 00:15:29,200
It's 9:00.
I'm in agony.
411
00:15:29,235 --> 00:15:31,769
"I can't do the diary
for the rest of the day."
412
00:15:31,804 --> 00:15:34,772
- Jesus. - So you may as well just tell us
then what happened.
413
00:15:34,807 --> 00:15:36,307
Suzanne just got
frustrated with me
414
00:15:36,342 --> 00:15:37,909
because I was rolling
about on the floor
415
00:15:37,943 --> 00:15:39,577
and she was trying
to watch "Arthur," right?
416
00:15:39,612 --> 00:15:41,879
Because that was on
the other night.
417
00:15:41,914 --> 00:15:44,181
- I thought it was with your lodger.
- So, um...
418
00:15:44,216 --> 00:15:46,184
and she said, "Look, if you're
in pain, do something."
419
00:15:46,218 --> 00:15:48,486
- She said, "You know..."
- You went and got a cold plate.
420
00:15:48,520 --> 00:15:50,522
Yeah.
"No, use an ashtray!
421
00:15:50,556 --> 00:15:53,057
Plates are for liver damage."
422
00:15:53,092 --> 00:15:54,993
Got in a taxi.
423
00:15:55,027 --> 00:15:57,696
He filled up on the way,
which was annoying.
424
00:15:57,730 --> 00:15:59,297
- He didn't!
- That is cheeky.
425
00:15:59,331 --> 00:16:01,766
- That really... I mean he...
- On the way to the hospital.
426
00:16:01,801 --> 00:16:04,102
- So, uh...
- Good thing he's not an ambulance driver.
427
00:16:04,136 --> 00:16:06,137
So anyway he gets us there
and he doesn't charge us,
428
00:16:06,171 --> 00:16:08,105
- which was pretty decent...
- That's all right, yeah.
429
00:16:08,140 --> 00:16:10,707
So this gay fella came through.
430
00:16:10,742 --> 00:16:12,909
How did you know he was gay?
431
00:16:12,944 --> 00:16:15,145
Um, just the way he was.
I'm not having a go.
432
00:16:15,179 --> 00:16:17,480
He was a good fella.
Do you know what I mean?
433
00:16:17,514 --> 00:16:20,382
- A doctor you mean?
- No, he was like a... he was a nurse.
434
00:16:20,417 --> 00:16:22,784
- Right. - And he came through
and just sort of went,
435
00:16:22,818 --> 00:16:24,252
"Oh, how are you?"
436
00:16:24,287 --> 00:16:26,121
And I was like, "Oh,
I've had better days."
437
00:16:26,155 --> 00:16:28,090
- So he...
- As you mentioned in the diary,
438
00:16:28,124 --> 00:16:30,025
"I remembered the first time
when I came here,"
439
00:16:30,059 --> 00:16:32,027
they said the nurse might
put a tablet up my arse.
440
00:16:32,061 --> 00:16:34,596
"I thought the chances of that
happening had just increased."
441
00:16:34,631 --> 00:16:36,799
Oh, Karl!
442
00:16:36,833 --> 00:16:39,134
Yeah, but I would have
let him do it, honestly.
443
00:16:39,168 --> 00:16:41,069
I was that sort of
out of it that...
444
00:16:41,104 --> 00:16:43,238
Of course you'd let him do it.
He's a qualified nurse.
445
00:16:43,273 --> 00:16:46,308
No, but the way I am now...
Say if it was just a tablet
446
00:16:46,342 --> 00:16:47,842
for sorting out
my blood pressure
447
00:16:47,877 --> 00:16:49,644
and I walked in there
and he went, "Oh, hello."
448
00:16:49,678 --> 00:16:51,145
And he said, "Here,
let's pop that."
449
00:16:51,180 --> 00:16:53,281
I'd go, "Hang on a minute."
450
00:16:53,316 --> 00:16:54,782
But what I mean is that night
451
00:16:54,817 --> 00:16:57,451
I would have just let him
put three up, honestly.
452
00:16:57,485 --> 00:16:59,587
Oh God.
453
00:16:59,621 --> 00:17:01,488
It's just weird, isn't it,
how your body just goes,
454
00:17:01,523 --> 00:17:04,058
"Let him get on with it," and you
let... you trust anyone, don't you,
455
00:17:04,092 --> 00:17:05,927
when you're in that much
pain and you need...
456
00:17:05,961 --> 00:17:08,062
and they're
a qualified nurse, yes.
457
00:17:08,097 --> 00:17:09,931
Karl, of course,
has written a poem
458
00:17:09,965 --> 00:17:12,934
about the experience
entitled "my ward."
459
00:17:12,969 --> 00:17:16,104
All I've done here... I've
been through a, you know...
460
00:17:16,139 --> 00:17:18,640
I don't know what the word
is... a bad experience.
461
00:17:18,674 --> 00:17:20,108
- Trauma.
- A trauma, yeah.
462
00:17:20,143 --> 00:17:22,310
- I've been through a load of trauma.
- Mm.
463
00:17:22,345 --> 00:17:23,879
So I'm just finishing it off
464
00:17:23,913 --> 00:17:25,781
with a little sort of
picture for people.
465
00:17:25,815 --> 00:17:29,719
- Go on then.
- "Me, a Chinese fella, and an old bloke
466
00:17:29,753 --> 00:17:32,622
who looked like Mr. Burns
from 'The Simpsons.'
467
00:17:32,656 --> 00:17:34,623
don't know what was
wrong with him,
468
00:17:34,658 --> 00:17:37,593
but breaking wind
was the symptoms.
469
00:17:37,628 --> 00:17:39,829
No one visited him
or called him.
470
00:17:39,863 --> 00:17:42,332
He seemed quite lost to me.
471
00:17:42,366 --> 00:17:45,702
As well as wind problems
he had a colostomy.
472
00:17:45,737 --> 00:17:48,873
When I left, I said
'See you' to the old man.
473
00:17:48,907 --> 00:17:51,242
Turned out the other fellow
wasn't Chinese.
474
00:17:51,276 --> 00:17:54,812
"He was from Japan."
475
00:17:54,847 --> 00:17:57,015
"I never found out
what was up with him."
476
00:17:58,518 --> 00:18:00,152
You've got
a little picture there,
477
00:18:00,187 --> 00:18:01,854
haven't you,
of me sat in my ward?
478
00:18:01,888 --> 00:18:04,623
I'm sat there with that
fella who I didn't talk to,
479
00:18:04,658 --> 00:18:06,492
the old fella
who had wind problems.
480
00:18:06,526 --> 00:18:08,193
And that's what
a poem is, isn't it?
481
00:18:08,228 --> 00:18:10,162
But the detail about
you thought he was Chinese
482
00:18:10,196 --> 00:18:12,431
and he turned out to be
Japanese... How is that evocative?
483
00:18:12,465 --> 00:18:14,399
That's just a piece
of misinformation.
484
00:18:14,434 --> 00:18:15,901
- It's just like...
- I like it.
485
00:18:15,935 --> 00:18:17,669
I imagine a lot of people
make that same mistake.
486
00:18:17,704 --> 00:18:18,904
I like it.
Because you know why?
487
00:18:18,938 --> 00:18:21,639
It's like he even
makes digressions
488
00:18:21,674 --> 00:18:23,141
within his poem.
489
00:18:23,175 --> 00:18:24,475
- Yeah.
- Do you know what I mean?
490
00:18:24,510 --> 00:18:26,844
It's like he could have
gone back and erased that,
491
00:18:26,878 --> 00:18:28,212
but he didn't.
492
00:18:28,246 --> 00:18:30,548
He left... he left
that digression in,
493
00:18:30,582 --> 00:18:32,183
and I think that's...
that's great.
494
00:18:32,217 --> 00:18:34,484
It's very honest.
"Had a late night last night
495
00:18:34,519 --> 00:18:36,620
because I stayed up to watch
a program about monkeys."
496
00:18:38,756 --> 00:18:41,759
- It's already good. It's already good.
- Of course he did.
497
00:18:41,793 --> 00:18:44,161
Now before I read on... I mean is
this not some kind of monkey news?
498
00:18:44,196 --> 00:18:45,730
Is this not a late return
to monkey news?
499
00:18:45,764 --> 00:18:47,732
Well, it's not...
it's not that good.
500
00:18:47,766 --> 00:18:49,868
Is it not?
Whereas the other monkey news is?
501
00:18:49,902 --> 00:18:52,204
Oh, chimpanzee that!
Some more shit.
502
00:18:52,238 --> 00:18:55,408
This is what he says. This is what he
gleaned from the program about monkeys.
503
00:18:55,442 --> 00:18:57,010
It sat on a bridge
504
00:18:57,044 --> 00:18:59,546
"and wanted stuff off people
to walk over the bridge."
505
00:18:59,580 --> 00:19:02,215
So it was acting
as some kind of toll booth.
506
00:19:02,250 --> 00:19:03,683
This is ridiculous.
507
00:19:03,718 --> 00:19:05,718
No, it was a bridge in...
in like the jungle.
508
00:19:05,753 --> 00:19:08,687
Oh, shut the fuck up.
509
00:19:08,722 --> 00:19:10,656
And it's a monkey
that sat on a bridge
510
00:19:10,690 --> 00:19:14,459
and a lot of tourists
go through the area...
511
00:19:14,493 --> 00:19:16,061
- No, it's a monkey...
- ...To look at...
512
00:19:16,095 --> 00:19:18,029
...who realized that
if he sits there,
513
00:19:18,063 --> 00:19:19,731
it'll get stuff
because it'll look like
514
00:19:19,765 --> 00:19:21,733
it's a cute little chimp
begging.
515
00:19:21,767 --> 00:19:25,170
- No, but every time.
- Yeah, because you give a monkey...
516
00:19:25,204 --> 00:19:27,239
They give it...
Oh, I'm bad as him now.
517
00:19:27,273 --> 00:19:30,042
If you give a chimpanzee
a banana
518
00:19:30,077 --> 00:19:32,445
and he starts realizing that
humans have things to give...
519
00:19:32,479 --> 00:19:35,181
Yeah, but it's all... - Squirrels
learn that, but you don't go...
520
00:19:35,216 --> 00:19:36,850
You wouldn't say,
"Oh, went to the park.
521
00:19:36,884 --> 00:19:38,318
A squirrel's waiting
at the gate.
522
00:19:38,352 --> 00:19:39,886
"You have to give him
a toll to go in."
523
00:19:39,921 --> 00:19:42,489
If you give them nuts, they
come up to you every time,
524
00:19:42,523 --> 00:19:43,923
you fucking idiot.
525
00:19:43,958 --> 00:19:45,624
"Went to bed after watching
it and fell asleep"
526
00:19:45,659 --> 00:19:47,259
thinking about it
on the bridge right now.
527
00:19:47,294 --> 00:19:48,894
It's a bit bad really,
because the monkey
528
00:19:48,928 --> 00:19:51,630
"should work harder for its food."
529
00:19:51,664 --> 00:19:56,134
"It made me remember the slug I saw
yesterday that was eating bird poo."
530
00:19:57,636 --> 00:19:59,470
"Nobody would ever help
a slug with food"
531
00:19:59,504 --> 00:20:01,205
like they do with ducks
and monkeys.
532
00:20:01,239 --> 00:20:02,839
A slug's life is pretty bad.
533
00:20:02,874 --> 00:20:05,409
"The only time they come out of
their den is when it's raining."
534
00:20:05,444 --> 00:20:06,811
"Den."
535
00:20:06,845 --> 00:20:08,479
"So even their days out
are depressing."
536
00:20:08,514 --> 00:20:11,149
Do you know what I mean?
537
00:20:11,184 --> 00:20:13,285
- No.
- It is like...
538
00:20:13,320 --> 00:20:15,955
It's a horrible thing to be,
isn't it, a slug?
539
00:20:17,491 --> 00:20:20,661
I love him talking about
what is it like to be a slug.
540
00:20:20,695 --> 00:20:22,095
No, just because
like the monkey...
541
00:20:22,130 --> 00:20:23,597
Even though it was being
quite aggressive,
542
00:20:23,631 --> 00:20:24,998
everyone was like,
"Give it some water."
543
00:20:25,032 --> 00:20:27,333
It was well, like, kitted out.
It had like,
544
00:20:27,367 --> 00:20:29,702
you know, chocolate
bars, bottled water,
545
00:20:29,736 --> 00:20:32,004
some like, you know,
fizzy stuff and all that.
546
00:20:32,038 --> 00:20:33,739
An iPod.
It was listening to monkey news.
547
00:20:33,773 --> 00:20:35,073
It could have had one
if it wanted one.
548
00:20:35,108 --> 00:20:36,908
It was getting away with
murder on that bridge.
549
00:20:36,943 --> 00:20:39,411
And that's just because
it was furry.
550
00:20:39,445 --> 00:20:41,546
Yet if that was like
a blob, like a slug,
551
00:20:41,580 --> 00:20:44,115
there's no way people would
be that friendly towards it.
552
00:20:44,149 --> 00:20:47,052
And it just annoys me how
you get this pecking order
553
00:20:47,086 --> 00:20:50,489
for like, no matter what
creature you are, favoritism.
554
00:20:50,524 --> 00:20:52,391
And that slug was only
eating that bird poo
555
00:20:52,425 --> 00:20:54,126
because it wasn't
being offered stuff.
556
00:20:54,160 --> 00:20:55,594
If it was offered
toffees or whatever.
557
00:20:55,628 --> 00:20:56,996
Well, it's just sad, isn't it?
558
00:20:57,030 --> 00:20:58,731
That's what its life
has come to.
559
00:20:58,765 --> 00:21:01,367
Yeah, but it's not a mollusk
560
00:21:01,401 --> 00:21:02,869
that's down
on its fucking luck.
561
00:21:02,903 --> 00:21:04,504
Yeah, it didn't live
in a big country house
562
00:21:04,538 --> 00:21:05,972
and its wife left
and the kids went
563
00:21:06,006 --> 00:21:07,707
and it started
hitting the bottle.
564
00:21:07,741 --> 00:21:09,709
I don't know what they do when
they come out in the rain.
565
00:21:09,744 --> 00:21:12,079
And it's depressing and it'll
probably get killed in a bit.
566
00:21:12,113 --> 00:21:13,814
And that was its last meal.
567
00:21:13,848 --> 00:21:16,050
- I just...
- Last meal!
568
00:21:16,084 --> 00:21:19,220
People wouldn't care... - But it
wouldn't prefer steak and chips, Karl.
569
00:21:19,255 --> 00:21:22,057
- It doesn't have...
- No, a leaf... it must like a leaf or a...
570
00:21:22,091 --> 00:21:24,225
you know, at the end of
the day, it's an insect.
571
00:21:24,260 --> 00:21:26,261
- They love leaves.
- It's not an insect.
572
00:21:26,296 --> 00:21:27,463
Well, it's part of that gang.
573
00:21:27,497 --> 00:21:29,264
It's part of that...
No, it's part of...
574
00:21:29,298 --> 00:21:31,299
- They hang out together.
- It's not, it's not!
575
00:21:31,333 --> 00:21:33,168
Why do you think
it's part of that gang?
576
00:21:33,202 --> 00:21:34,670
Because it knocks about
in the woods
577
00:21:34,704 --> 00:21:37,106
in the same place
as a spider does.
578
00:21:37,140 --> 00:21:40,108
But all I'm... what I'm saying
is they're eating boring stuff
579
00:21:40,143 --> 00:21:42,144
because that is
what's in their area.
580
00:21:42,178 --> 00:21:43,445
It's not boring stuff to them.
581
00:21:43,479 --> 00:21:45,547
They have no opinion
of it at all.
582
00:21:45,582 --> 00:21:47,216
They take in sustenance.
583
00:21:47,250 --> 00:21:49,251
No, but where you are
is what you eat.
584
00:21:49,285 --> 00:21:53,122
When I'm in London, I'll have
beans on toast for lunch.
585
00:21:53,156 --> 00:21:54,690
On holiday...
"What, tapas?
586
00:21:54,725 --> 00:21:57,059
- Go on, I'll have a bit."
- Oh God.
587
00:21:57,094 --> 00:21:59,862
So it's whatever... you
eat what's in that area.
588
00:21:59,896 --> 00:22:02,298
"Suzanne went off to work and I went
to the shop to buy some envelopes."
589
00:22:02,332 --> 00:22:04,234
The shop was empty, but the
fellow behind the counter
590
00:22:04,268 --> 00:22:05,735
was on the phone
and just kept talking,
591
00:22:05,770 --> 00:22:07,270
even though he could see
I was waiting.
592
00:22:07,305 --> 00:22:10,007
I started to count
backwards from 20.
593
00:22:10,041 --> 00:22:12,777
When I got to six,
he hung up and served me.
594
00:22:12,811 --> 00:22:14,279
"I won't use
the shop again."
595
00:22:14,313 --> 00:22:16,448
Question: Why count
backwards from 20?
596
00:22:16,482 --> 00:22:18,316
So he's thinking, "What's
gonna happen at one?"
597
00:22:18,351 --> 00:22:20,719
If I start counting from one,
he's going, "Let him carry on."
598
00:22:20,753 --> 00:22:23,222
- What, out loud?
- Not really loud,
599
00:22:23,256 --> 00:22:25,224
but like more of a mouth action
600
00:22:25,258 --> 00:22:26,858
so he could see I was doing it.
601
00:22:26,893 --> 00:22:27,959
- Do you know...
- Sorry.
602
00:22:27,994 --> 00:22:30,929
You... you just
started miming
603
00:22:30,963 --> 00:22:32,731
counting backwards
to a man in a shop?
604
00:22:32,765 --> 00:22:35,767
- He's on the phone. The shop is empty.
- Yes yes.
605
00:22:35,802 --> 00:22:37,235
I thought he'd like my custom.
606
00:22:37,270 --> 00:22:39,071
He could have served me
and stayed on the phone.
607
00:22:39,105 --> 00:22:41,472
Even though I don't like that,
at least he's still doing
608
00:22:41,507 --> 00:22:43,208
what, you know,
he needs to do...
609
00:22:43,242 --> 00:22:44,709
I'd have said,
"Can I just get these?"
610
00:22:44,744 --> 00:22:46,211
Yeah well, I stood there
611
00:22:46,246 --> 00:22:48,012
and I thought,
"It's annoying me now."
612
00:22:48,047 --> 00:22:50,415
My kidney's aching and I started
to get a bit of a sweat on.
613
00:22:50,449 --> 00:22:52,884
So I thought, "Right, I'm
gonna give him 20 seconds.
614
00:22:52,919 --> 00:22:55,787
And if he hasn't got off
the phone, I'm leaving."
615
00:22:55,822 --> 00:22:57,956
You are one
of the strangest people...
616
00:22:57,991 --> 00:22:59,390
It's just giving
yourself a thing.
617
00:22:59,425 --> 00:23:00,959
- I could have been stood there...
- Free...
618
00:23:00,993 --> 00:23:03,228
He's one of the strangest
people who's free to walk...
619
00:23:03,263 --> 00:23:04,730
- Yeah.
- ...The streets.
620
00:23:04,764 --> 00:23:06,465
No, I set myself
a little target
621
00:23:06,499 --> 00:23:07,966
and I thought,
"I don't wanna waste
622
00:23:08,001 --> 00:23:10,035
another 30 seconds in here.
I'll give him 20."
623
00:23:10,069 --> 00:23:11,870
It worked.
He served me at six.
624
00:23:11,904 --> 00:23:13,171
But it didn't work.
625
00:23:13,206 --> 00:23:14,807
Yeah, but did he do it
because you were doing that
626
00:23:14,841 --> 00:23:16,375
or did he finish
his phone call?
627
00:23:16,409 --> 00:23:19,244
I don't know.
I was busy counting.
628
00:23:19,294 --> 00:23:23,844
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