All language subtitles for The Ricky Gervais Show s02e06 Kidneys.eng

Announcer:For the past few years
Ricky Gervais,

Stephen merchant
and Karl Pilkington

have been meeting regularly

for a series
of pointless conversations.

This is one of them.

- Testing.
- Is that all right?

Hello and welcome
to "The Ricky Gervais Show"

with me, Ricky Gervais,
Stephen Merchant...

- Hello.
- ...And the little round-headed buffoon

that is Karl Pilkington.

Hi.

What's been going on?
What's been going on?

I've been to hospital.

I was rushed
to hospital, right?

Emergency and that.

I had a, uh,
tube put up me knob.

- You had a tube put up your knob?
- Yeah.

- What's the story?
- Uh, kidney stones.

- Oof.
- So shouldn't really be here, to be honest,

doing this.
He said rest and that.

Climbing them stairs
on the way in was...

To be quite honest, it doesn't look like
you expend a lot of energy at the moment.

It's like a zookeeper going,
"Oh, that sloth moved today."

"Calm down!"

Yeah, but I had to get here.
It's been raining.

- Yeah? - I had to come up the stairs.
I had to carry the computer.

- Yeah?
- Well, that's not entirely true

'cause your girlfriend was carrying it.
I saw her, actually.

Yeah, but I'm just saying...

Then you handed it to me and
said, "Steve, carry this."

- God almighty.
- Yeah, I know.

- That's already a lie.
- Christ almighty.

- Whinging.
- I'm not whinging.

I'm in show business.
I know loads of people

that wake up every day
with a sore knob,

feeling like they've had
their kidneys probed.

And they... you know... they would
say they were unconscious.

So they didn't whinge about it.
They get straight back on to it.

They, you know... a lot
of them are on TV now.

Yeah, straight back to hosting game shows.

So you were rushed to hospital?

So take us through the...
Take us through the events

'cause it does sound
quite dramatic.

You started feeling a bit
of pain, did you, initially?

I felt a bit of pain.
I thought, you know,

maybe I just pulled a muscle
or something when I've been

wrestling with Ricky and that.

'Cause you don't know
what damage is being done.

So I just think it'll go in a minute.

And then it didn't.
It got a bit badder.

- It got badder, did it?
- So then I thought...

- Got a bit badder.
- Oh dear.

So then I thought
I was crippled.

I was lying
on the floor in agony,

looking on the Internet.
Looking for...

Still looking up monkey news?

I just put in like "bellyache"

and stuff and they were saying it
can be loads of different things.

Um, and I... What I used
to do when I was a kid,

I used to always just
get a cold ashtray

and put that on me belly.
And the coldness

used to get rid of the badness.

- Amazing.
- The coldness got rid...

Was that like a witch doctor?

Ha! Yeah, there you go.
Yeah yeah.

This is...
this is like...

a witch doctor that happens
to work in a pub.

It's like it's some sort of
fifth-century remedy written in mud.

"Coldness doth get away
with the badness."

- Oh!
- Why specifically an ashtray?

Just 'cause they were...
they sort of hold cold.

They're old cold?
What?

I don't know what this is.

It's... I love
this idea that he's...

He's had the operation and he comes
around and they're talking to him.

And his girlfriend gets
a phone call and they say,

"Mr. Pilkington's...
may be complications.

He's talking rubbish."
She goes, "Oh good!"

"Yeah, he's back
to his old self."

What... what... what...

Why specifically an ashtray?
Sorry, 'cause it's old cold.

- I understand it's old cold.
- 'Cause earlier we understand...

Everyone who's done a medical
degree understands old cold.

But... but, uh...

"Old... old cold belly badness."

"Do you wanna buy that book,
'old cold belly badness'?

It's the history of abdominal
surgery by Karl Pilkington."

No, it just...
you know...

But do you put it in the freezer
or something first?

You can do if you want, but
they're normally cold anyway.

Sort of thick glass and that,
it holds the cold.

But we don't smoke in our house,
so I had to use a plate.

Oh well, that's madness.

A plate's not gonna work.
Famously a plate doesn't work.

Oh my God, no. No.

So you put
a... a... a...

You put a plate on your belly,
but that didn't do anything.

- Yeah, no...
- That didn't work.

So I called Suzanne and said,
"Oh, I'm in agony, yeah."

She said,
"Go to the doctor's then."

Good advice. A lot of people would
have done that straightaway

as opposed to going
through the plate,

- ashtray.
- Ashtray and plate!

So he went to hospital...
and they went to hospital

and he said, "Have you
got an ashtray?"

- Go and fetch me an ashtray.
- "This is no smoking."

So anyway, so then we get
in a cab and what have you,

go there.
I have an X-ray.

His voice is even more
boring than usual, isn't it?

- It's extraordinary, isn't it?
- Fuck me.

And they put me on
a drip and everything,

gave me some morphine and stuff

and found out that
I had kidney stones.

So that's why
I was in hospital.

And they get 'em out by...

I can't even... I don't know
what's going on, to be honest.

- Come on.
- I've got some tube inside me

from me kidney to me bladder

that's helping
me stuff get about.

And so there's a little tube
up the end of your knob

- into your...?
- Yeah, it's not there now.

It's right...
it's high up.

- Right?
- So it's high up between

- me kidney and me bladder.
- But why didn't you have the thing

where they go in the side?
You had the choice to...

Because I said to the doctor,
"I'm not a doctor,"

I said,
"What do you think?"

And he went, "Stop putting
yourself down, Karl.

We need you in
the operating theater now."

He just said... you know, I said to
him, "What should I have done?"

'Cause he said,
"If you want, go home,

um, and we'll get you in
again or something."

Uh, something like that.

And I said "No, I might as
well have it done properly.

Have it done there
whilst I'm here."

Sorry, the choice was have it
done properly or go home?

It was... it was
something like that.

He said, "There's something you
can do" and I said, "Oh..."

- Flush it out?
- Uh, no, because it's too big.

It's something like 7mm.

- And it's basically because you don't drink
enough water? - Yeah.

So anyway I said, "What do you
think I should have done?"

And he said, "Tube up the knob."
And I said, "Hmm,

not me favorite one
of the choice,

but if that's
what you think."

So he said "yYeah, have that."
He did me little diagrams,

which didn't help.
He was like showing...

- How big did he draw your knob?
- Sort of normal size.

- Yeah? Was it...
- It was all right.

- You weren't offended by the...
- When he went into detail

it was just more
the tubes and stuff

- and your bladder and your kidney.
- What was your ball bag like?

- Did he draw that?
- He didn't do that bit. He left that bit out.

- Okay, right.
- But he said, "We'll just pop that up there."

And then that's when
Ricky turned up

to visit,
and came in laughing at me

'cause I was sat there in, like,
me underpants and stockings.

- In stockings?
- Yeah yeah.

- Why were you dressed as...
- He was there and he wasn't in bed.

He was sort of out of bed
with a little drip, right?

He had his little boxer
shorts on, just sat there.

Right?
In his pants, right?

And he had stockings on.

Yeah, because they stop
clots or something.

They put 'em on your legs.
It's like, d'you know,

when people have got big
veins and they go on a plane.

Right, yeah.

You said you're not a doctor.

No, but I've seen it
'cause Suzanne's mom did it

and it was... she put 'em on
ridiculously early,

like three days before we
were going away and that.

She'd never been away before

and everything was like over the
top, do you know what I mean?

So I best put 'em on.
And, uh,

so I put them on and they were
like... I don't know what it is.

It's something when you're in...
when you're under

- your blood doesn't move about the same...
- Right.

And it can clot up in your leg.

So you wear these...
it's like tights.

And I came in to cheer
him up, didn't I?

- Yeah.
- Was that a nice cheery experience,

- him coming in?
- I had a headache at the time

and I was a bit stressed out.

He's just the man
you want at that point.

Yeah. Uh, well, it's weird how
it suddenly all happened quick.

And, uh, I woke up and there
was an Irish woman over me,

going, "Are you all right?
You all right?"

And I said,
"Oh it's stinging a bit."

She said, "I'll give you
some more morphine."

And I sort of put me head up
to have a look at me tackle

- 'cause I wanted to see...
- If it was still there?

What was attached to it.
Do you know what I mean?

'Cause they said something about they might
leave some string hanging out of it

so they can pull the tube out.

- It makes you talk.
- So I had a look for that.

Couldn't... couldn't see
any of that.

But as she put the morphine in,

all the muscles
in your body go funny.

Me head just collapsed.

I'm in agony now and, uh...

- Are you in agony right now as we speak?
- Yeah.

It's hurting.

But it does make you think now,
do you know what I mean?

Like, life and everything.

I mean, it's weird how it's all
happened in the last month

from seeing that bee
sort of die.

- No no no no.
- Not really.

No no no, this is not
a near-death experience.

- It is...
- You had a routine operation

to remove kidney stones because
you don't drink enough water.

- No, I know, but...
- This is not a shark attack.

Yeah, but it's all...
it's all...

life-threatening, otherwise you wouldn't
have to fill out forms, would you,

saying if everything goes wrong,
Suzanne can have the house

or whatever?

They keep checking
your heartbeats and stuff

and your blood pressure.
I don't like knowing about that.

I'm just like, "Leave it.
It's happening.

Don't be messing with it.
Stop measuring it."

Stop measuring it.

- No, do you know what I mean?
- That same with the knob?

It's that thing with...
of like...

That's what the anesthetist was doing
when you were under, wasn't it?

- Yeah. - He was comparing
the diagram to the actual thing.

Oh God.

What is the closest thing...

Sort of living

that's nothing?

I don't know what you mean.

What?

What's like the closest...
like, do you know at some point

something's gone from nothing
to something, hasn't it?

No, I don't... No, I don't
understand what you mean.

Do you mean what is
the first and lowest

and most primitive and most
simple form of life?

- No.
- He's right here in this room.

Say, like when you look
at a stick insect.

Right? - You go, "Right,
there's a slight crossover there

from a stick
to a living thing."

- No, it's not.
- It didn't used to be a stick.

No no no, it's not...
there's no... there's no...

There's no biological relationship
between it and the stick.

But there isn't much difference
between the two is what I mean.

- Of course there is.
- There's a huge difference.

There isn't. They just sit
there looking like a stick.

- That's their skill.
- Yes, but it has nothing to do

with being a stick.

It's like camouflage.

That's like saying when
a soldier puts on combat gear...

Okay, you're saying he's a cross
between a human and a shrub.

What I'm saying is have
you seen them weird things

that just look like... they
sort of look like a leaf.

Yeah there are insects
that... that... that...

that have evolved to look like a leaf.
Forget it.

At some point, something has
had it away with a leaf.

- No! At no point...
- What?

Has something had it
away with a leaf.

- No, to make it look that much
like the leaf... - No!

At no point did a beetle shag a leaf.

It's superficial.
It's the way it looks.

That's all it... it...

That's like saying
chameleons must have mated

- with green once. They are green.
- No, but...

- It looks like a leaf.
- But then how does it meet...

How does it have relationships?

It will be going around to
having it away with a leaf.

No, it won't 'cause it doesn't
know what it looks like.

It doesn't matter.
It's not like they, uh...

you know, um, a stick insect is gonna
be talking to a stick for ages

and go, "Oh, I've wasted my time here.
This club's dead."

- "Rude?"
- "I was chatting to her.

She was foxy but she was
giving me nothing."

"But, Dave, that's not a stick insect.
That's a stick."

"What... what you
talking about?"

"That's a stick. You've been
talking to a stick all night."

"I can't believe it. I just thought
she had a great slim figure."

"No no, it's actually
a real stick."

Well, I've been watching birds
more than insects recently.

- Oh okay, you've moved on from them.
- In the last week.

'Cause I've sort of looked
at the ant and the bee and that.

And what I've found
with pigeons

is they've got wings,
yet they walk a lot.

I'd love that to be a
thesis where he got, like,

a half a million pounds
grant from a university

and they said, "Well,
Pilkington seems...

He's done ants
and he's done bees.

He's...
he's followed ants.

Apparently they're not doing anything.
Some of them are lazy.

Um, we are granting him
another half million pounds.

Um, he's seen working
on it for a year.

Um, please welcome
Karl Pilkington."

Karl, what have you found?

"Well, even though pigeons
have wings, they walk a lot."

Well, I heard... and you told me
this so I know it's true.

- What?
- Do you know when I talked about

replacing blood with coconut...

Coconut...
what was it?

Well, one, it said, uh, um,
coconut milk can be used

as plasma.
But I'd have that verified,

'cause it's off one of those websites
where there are spurious facts.

What do you think
of that, Steve?

I mean, I've sort
of touched on it.

I've just got to echo
what Ricky said.

I can't have an opinion
unless it's been verified.

But why aren't you just being
open-minded enough to go, "Well, uh..."

- No no no.
- That's not being open-minded.

Open-minded isn't believing
everything you hear.

You don't believe everything
you read, do you?

Um, a lot of it.
A lot of stuff you kind of go,

"Well that's...
that's interesting."

But what... We talked about this.
What about Noah's ark?

What about it?

Well, you know, you said you believed
it 'cause it's in book form.

But according to that,

didn't he get two of
every species on a big boat?

But we know
that's impossible, don't we?

Um, depends where he was.

If he was above a zoo, there would have been
a lot of different stuff knocking about.

That's my only problem.
What I'm saying is

where was he floating where
he could get an elephant,

a giraffe, a cat,
a dog, a gerbil?

Where were all these
things floating about?

- Exactly.
- These old testament zoos,

- they were quite...
- Yeah, but exactly.

You're right. You're questioning
it... How is it possible?

But I've just said...
a zoo.

There's no zoo that has got
1% of all animal species.

Well, I don't know where
he got 'em from then.

There's a couple of million
species of animal.

And how did he round
these animals up?

'Cause they were drowning so
they were looking for any boat.

So they were looking... they were
actively seeking out an ark?

Well, they would have just been
looking for anything to get hold of.

And where did they keep 'em?

How did he keep
'em all separate?

- At that point...
- Oh no, the lions ate the otter.

No, because at that point,
it's that thing, isn't it,

of how you all pull together
in a... in a bad situation.

- Don't talk shit.
- You all chip in.

They're all like,
"Oh, God," you know.

- "Let's be nice to our neighbors."
- Right.

So there's spiders
talking to flies and...

They would have just gone
elsewhere, wouldn't they? They...

- What do you mean? - The spiders don't
have to knock about with the lions,

just 'cause they're
all in it together.

They get their own
little area, don't they?

- Well, I don't know. How big is this boat?
- It's big.

It's big.
It's a big boat.

How long... what was the warning
he got from God to make it?

- I don't know.
- It was a couple of weeks.

Two of every species, Karl.

How big would this boat
have to be?

- Eh, it's big.
- You can't just keep saying it's big.

'Cause I know in your mind
you're imagining this ark...

There's a boat with Noah
up the front with his wife,

two giraffes behind him, their
necks there, two elephants,

and it just... and it's just
like... it's just like elephant,

giraffe, hippo, dog, cat,

weasel, couple of frogs

and a spider talking to a fly
going, "Let's get on,

but when we're offered,
you're dead."

But what would
you have done then?

Are you saying that you wouldn't get
on there 'cause it's too noisy?

- It's not a question of...
- It didn't happen. It didn't happen.

To be honest, I'm not bothered.
And they got through it, didn't they?

They got through it.
They're here now.

We're not short of 'em.
If anything, like I said,

he didn't do us a favor
'cause he saved too much.

You can't move out there for stuff.

Oh, chimpanzee that.
He's written it down again.

That's the jingle for

excerpts from Karl's diary.

This is all legitimate stuff.
Ricky and I have had no input in this.

This is the first time
we get to read it.

"Went and did some shopping
for stuff as it was my turn."

Suzanne moaned a bit
'cause I forgot orange juice

and bought some cheap
toilet paper.

She always buys
the expensive toilet paper.

I don't know why they make toilet
paper with pretty patterns on it."

That made it into the diary.

"Up and out at
9:00 to go to the Cotswolds."

Now I think... But this was a gift for your
girlfriend, wasn't it, for her birthday?

It was her birthday and that
so I just went for one night.

"Got the car and headed off. We found the b&b
but they wouldn't let us in the room"

'cause we were early.
We went for a walk.

There was not much
around the B&B

so we had a quick walk
around the car park."

"And went back in.

Happy Birthday.

The room is now ready.
It's an all right room.

Free biscuits so I ate
them straightaway."

- You're like a child!
- Like a dog.

He runs in, jumps on the bed.

"No no, get off the bed.
Not on the furniture."

- God.
- "The room overlooked the car park

that we'd already
been round."

As you're staring at the window,
"Remember when we went there?"

We'll always have the car park.

Oh God.

"The room had posh coat hangers in
the wardrobe with sponge on them."

So I ate the sponge.

"Don't think they are needed.

We went and booked a table
for Sunday dinner.

I had beef.
It was nice enough

but there was a family
of 13 behind us.

I don't see the point
in going out in large numbers.

They annoyed me.
One of the family

asked for sorbet
before his next course.

He was only about 11.
He thought he was it.

I said to Suzanne I've had
enough and needed a kip.

Watched 'Planet Earth' on BBC1.

They filmed a panda for four weeks
and all it did was sit in its cave.

It did naught.
If I was fiat,

I wouldn't name one
of my cars after them,

as it suggests it won't
work or go very far.

It'd be like bringing out a Ford
Sloth... No one would buy it."

A Ford Sloth.

I would love that ad campaign.

Oh that's amazing.
Oh God.

"The new Vauxhall slug."

"We had a look round the local village.
There wasn't much to it."

We did the usual thing and had a
look around the church graveyard

to see how old
the dead people are."

Show Suzanne a hell of a time.

So far she's gone
to the Cotswolds,

the room wasn't ready,
she's seen the car park,

and now let's go and play
how old the dead people are.

But I like the fact
that you mentioned:

"We did the usual thing of having
a look around the church graveyard."

- Do you make her do that every time you go away?
- That's what you do, isn't it?

I want to know what she did
for two hours when you slept.

She just looked out at
the car park, just like,

♪ memories! ♪

But that's what you do though, isn't
it, when you go to these places?

There's nothing else...
unless you want fudge.

You know, you walk round
the church graveyard

- and have a look. There's nothing.
- "Unless you like fudge."

"We went home. It took three
hours to drive back.

People say they go to the
country to see the wildlife.

I saw rabbits, pheasants
and a fox on the way home.

They were all
dead in the road."

I was just intrigued to know because
Rob from Burton-on-Trent sent this in.

And he wants to know that... 'cause
he's just started seeing someone.

And he wants to know what your advice,
Karl, is on how to keep her happy.

So what's your sort of...
your advice, really,

for someone who's just
started a relationship?

- You've been with Suzanne
for what, nine years? - Ages.

I think you should just do what you
want and then if they like it,

then they're
the right ones for ya.

So don't go out
of your way too much.

I mean, I got her the posh badge
for her birthday.

Uh, that's once a year.
Rest of the time,

it's kind of like, you know,

I... I... I like
weird stuff.

I like watching
weird stuff and all that.

Um, now and again, I won't make her
watch it. I'll... I'll tape it.

This is amazing advice.

- But sometimes...
- This is amazing advice.

Sometimes you just say,
"No, come on.

The bloke with the two heads on.
I wanna watch it live."

So give and take is what
you're saying there?

That's all.
It shouldn't be hard.

As soon as it's hard,
it's not right.

So just, uh,

just go about your business,
see if she joins in.

"Woke up to the commonwealth
games on the radio."

Now what are you making
of the commonwealth games?

Is that something that interests you?
Are you a sports fan?

Um, I'm not really.
It's just seems to be sort of wasted.

If people are
running fast, use it.

Do you know what I mean? Rather than
just trying to beat your own record

or someone else's, do something
where you do have to run.

If you're a good swimmer,
be a lifeguard.

Don't be messing about
going up and down.

I was swimming recently.
I do a lot of swimming

and I've never quite
mastered my front crawl.

Just never quite nailed the breathing
'cause it's quite tricky, isn't it?

- You know, you gotta breathe
at the right moment. - Yeah?

And so I'm in the swimming
pool in the local gym

and there's a guy bobbing up and down,
really doing a great forward stroke.

So I waited till he came up

and sort of went,
"Excuse me, mate.

I was just watching you when you
were doing your front crawl.

I was really impressed.
Could you just watch me

while I do mine and tell me
if I'm going right?"

Why would you do that?
Why would you go up to a man?

I know. And that
was the problem.

It was only as I was saying it did
I realize what it sounded like.

I've just been watching you
swimming up and down.

- I was really impressed.
- And you're both in speedos.

Both in speedos. You know,
I've got the goggles on...

Prescription goggles so I
can see when I'm swimming.

But why do you need them?
There's nothing in a pool to look at.

It's not like you're scuba diving.
There's nothing...

Whoa, hold on. Clearly there is
something to look at in a pool.

No, I wasn't checking...
Well, I was checking him out,

but I was checking him out
for swimming tips.

And he just looked at me
when I asked him,

"Can you just watch me
and offer me any tips?"

And he just looked at me
like I was just mental.

Steve, that is just such
a strange thing to say.

Can you just watch... I don't know
how you had the nerve to do that.

- It was innocently motivated!
- I know it's innocent,

but what a strange thing
to come up to someone and...

But what civilization are we living in
where we can't just ask our fellow man

- to help us out with our forward crawl?
- But we're in a society

where we can't. But you know that.
It's a strange thing to say.

But sometimes it's nice to just
think "No, do you know what?

I'm not gonna fall into the trap of thinking
he's immediately gonna think I'm gay

"or that I'm chatting him up.
I'm just gonna ask him to do me a favor."

There's nothing
wrong with that.

What if he said,
"Yeah, this is good, yeah.

Do you mind coming and helping
me with my plastering?"

But it's not the same.
He's in the swimming pool.

He's there in the pool.
He's swimming up and down.

You know, it's not... No skin off his
nose to just offer a bit of kind advice.

If your car's broken down in the middle
of nowhere and someone drives by,

it's a generous thing to do, just stop and
maybe look under the bonnet and help them out.

- I agree.
- But I don't see how that's any different.

And in the end, he did.
And all he asked was that I wank him off.

Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0