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( theme music playing )
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Announcer: For the past
few years Ricky Gervais,
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00:00:18,446 --> 00:00:21,108
Stephen Merchant,
and Karl Pilkington
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00:00:21,104 --> 00:00:23,028
Have been meeting
regularly
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00:00:23,026 --> 00:00:25,368
For a series
of pointless conversations.
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00:00:25,364 --> 00:00:27,192
This is one of them.
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- Testing.
- Is that all right?
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( dings )
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Hello and welcome
to "the Ricky Gervais Show"
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With me, Ricky Gervais,
Stephen Merchant...
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00:00:35,446 --> 00:00:38,396
- Hello. - ...
And the little round-headed buffoon
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That is Karl Pilkington.
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Hi.
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00:00:47,097 --> 00:00:49,180
Um, remember we were
talking awhile back
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About the questionnaire
that is often featured
16
00:00:51,450 --> 00:00:53,887
At the end of the TV program
"inside the actor's studio"?
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00:00:53,884 --> 00:00:56,159
- Oh yeah. - Where the host,
James Lipton, always asks
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The same questions
to every guest?
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00:00:58,012 --> 00:01:00,064
And it's just supposed to
sort of get their creative,
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You know, juices flowing
and their mind working.
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We did ask Karl some of them.
We never completed the questionnaire.
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- Let's carry on with that then.
- I thought we'd fire a few more at him.
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And that'll
also introduce people
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00:01:09,023 --> 00:01:11,972
To the way his mind works
a little bit. Okay.
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What sound or noise
do you love, Karl?
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00:01:14,784 --> 00:01:19,370
Um, there isn't
really one that I love.
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- Nice noises like the ones
you get-- - Stephen: Yeah.
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I like going
in the park, right,
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And you go
"that's nice, isn't it?"
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And you get
bird noises and stuff.
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But with those bird noises
comes a bit of stress, right?
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'cause I was
in there the other day
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And like I say,
little bird noises and that,
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And a little Robin was there
and I thought "that's odd.
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That's out early," 'cause it's
like sort of summertime and that.
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- Stephen: Sure.
- Karl: And then I thought,
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"oh, that's nice,"
and I was watching it.
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Then it got
a little worm,
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00:01:46,545 --> 00:01:49,783
And I was like,
"hey, put it down," right?
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( laughs ) sorry. Whoa!
What do you mean?
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Why were you interfering?
Why were you interfering...
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- In nature. - ...
With a Robin taking a worm?
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Just because it was
a nice sunny day and that
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And I thought-- see, worms normally
come out when it's raining, don't they?
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And you go, "well, I'll bet
they're happy to die in a way
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00:02:07,258 --> 00:02:09,022
And I thought-- see, 'cause it's chuckingout
when it down, it's miserable."
47
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They come to the top of the
soil then-- don't they?
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00:02:10,810 --> 00:02:13,181
- Yeah. - --When it's miserable.
But it was a sunny day--
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Plus they don't drown,
I assume.
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No, it's not that, is it?
It's just that the air, the water or something
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Falling on the ground and they
come up to see what's happening.
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What? No no, wait.
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But why do they come up
when they think it's raining?
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You're a worm, okay?
It starts raining.
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- Tell me your thought process.
- Well, you just--
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You're down there,
you can't see anything.
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- It's dark anyway.
- Ricky: Yeah.
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So the rain's
coming down on the land.
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The worm goes,
"what's going on?"
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The worm goes,
"what's going on?"
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- He wiggles up to the top.
- Ricky: So what does he do?
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So it goes up
and it sees it's raining
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And then it goes back down
again, doesn't it?
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- But that's what I'm saying
about-- - What do you mean?
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What-- what is--
sorry, what is this world
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Where he goes,
"oh, it's just rain again.
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That's the 400th time I've
been caught out this year.
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It's rain. I'll remember next time.
I won't come up."
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What do you think
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A worm is pable of in terms
of cognitive thought?
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- What do you mean?
- Well, a worm can basically
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Tell certain chemicals
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- And certain light patterns.
- ( Sniffs )
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That's-- that's all
it is really.
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- Yeah, and--
- It's not thinking,
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It's not choosing
its favorite food.
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You don't know that,
though, is what I'm saying.
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You don't know what things are thinking.
Everything thinks.
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No, it doesn't.
No, it doesn't.
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- No. Thinking-- - There's
something in this room that's not.
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All right,
what about this one then?
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What about--
what about flowers?
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- Do you think they've
got a-- - A mind?
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A-- a feeling.
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Because here's--
here's something that--
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Again, they--
they use phototropism.
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They go towards the sun.
They-- they close--
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- All right, well, here's-- - Can you
stop using long words, Rick, like "sun"?
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Listen--
I was--
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Do you know what happened to
my mom and dad's, all right?
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- I was talking to my mom about stuff.
- Ricky: All right.
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She was saying how,
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This flower solved a crime.
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What happened was
there was a murder, right,
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In an office.
So they said,
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"it's obvious that someone who works
in the office did this murder
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Because that person's
only sort of a typist.
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00:04:03,948 --> 00:04:05,872
He has-- you know,
they've done nothing wrong."
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00:04:05,870 --> 00:04:08,595
So they said, "that's
narrowed it down, right?"
100
00:04:08,591 --> 00:04:10,706
So this flower man
came in and he said,
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"I can sort
this out for you."
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So they said,
"what do you mean?"
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He said,
"well, during the murder,
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The plant was knocked
off the cabinet, right?"
105
00:04:20,242 --> 00:04:23,928
- Right. - Karl: And he had some
special wires that he can...
106
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- Special wires. Yeah.
- ...Put on the flower
107
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And it's sort of
shaking and stuff
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Because even though
you can't see it,
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Flowers pick up bad vibes
and what-have-you.
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If you shake a plant,
it doesn't like it.
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- Okay. - Right?
So what happened was
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He said, "right, what we'll do
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Is we'll put the plant
back on the shelf."
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- Stephen: Yep. - Karl: "we'll water it.
We'll calm it down.
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00:04:41,909 --> 00:04:44,282
- Then get--" - Ricky: Get
it a nice cup of tea.
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- "then get every member of staff...
" - Stephen: Right, right.
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"...To come in the room
and just go near the flower."
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- Right.
- "So don't tell them"--
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- So like a lineup for the flower?
- Kind of.
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00:04:53,689 --> 00:04:55,356
- Kind of like a lineup.
- "Don't tell them what we're doing.
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Just send them in,
say 'stand by that cabinet
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Where the murder happened'
and what have you."
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- Yeah.
- Anyway, it was a long day.
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They were getting
through a lot of stuff.
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- It was a big office block.
- Ricky: Yeah.
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They were going,
"this isn't working.
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00:05:03,643 --> 00:05:05,533
You know,
the flower's not budging."
128
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Suddenly they get into like
the last part of the day
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When they were
almost giving up.
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They called in a sketch artist.
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The plant--
the plant gives 'em a--
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- Some caretaker fella--
- Uh-huh.
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- Caretaker, yeah.
- They said, "go over there."
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Was it an old man? 'cause Scooby Doo
didn't like him from the beginning.
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- Stephen: No. - Karl: They send
the caretaker over to the plant
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And he's thinking "I've
gotten away with this."
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- Stephen: Of course.
- ( Beeping )
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Plant starts shaking, what-have-you.
They did him.
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Okay.
Wait a minute then.
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So was there
any other evidence?
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Was that the only evidence
they used in the trial?
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Well, no, it's one of them things, though.
Imagine it.
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If you're that caretaker and you're
thinking "I've gotten away with this,"
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Then suddenly a plant grasses you
up, you weren't expecting that.
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So suddenly
you're off-guard.
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And you go,
"okay okay okay, come on,
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Get that chrysanthemum
away from me. I did it."
148
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- ( all gasp ) - You're
talking absolute bollocks.
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That was one of the most
nonsense pieces of shit
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- I've ever heard in my life.
- Karl: But anyway, listen.
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- Well, it happened. But--
- It didn't happen.
152
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But what I was saying is--
about the worm--
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This Robin that I saw
that was eating the worm,
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He had hold of it. I thought,
"it's a sunny day and that,
155
00:06:02,277 --> 00:06:04,104
Give the worm a break"
sort of thing.
156
00:06:04,101 --> 00:06:07,820
So I went, "Oi! Hey," like that, and
it sort of dropped it in shock.
157
00:06:07,814 --> 00:06:10,281
But then when it realized
I wasn't that near it,
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It picked up again
and swallowed it.
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And I just thought, "oh."
do you know what I mean?
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I don't know what you mean, no.
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I just thought "it's a
sunny day and everything.
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Normally birds are
nice noises that I like,
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"And yet there it is,
going about wrecking lives."
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00:06:23,785 --> 00:06:27,214
( laughs ) wrecking lives!?
165
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- It was a worm! - No, it just--
no, but it just swallowed it
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Really quickly and that.
And I thought--
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I just thought "there's the worm.
It came out.
168
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It was happy, didn't
know what was going on
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00:06:34,924 --> 00:06:36,847
And it had
an extra chance--
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"The Robin dropped it, then
it got it again and ate it."
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00:06:39,985 --> 00:06:42,038
It just made me a bit fed up.
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Well, you know why, don't you?
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You couldn't outwit a Robin.
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The worm was going,
"oh God, Karl Pilkington.
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00:06:49,014 --> 00:06:50,681
So that's who's
been sent to save me,
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Is it, God?
You've sent Karl Pilkington?
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00:06:52,438 --> 00:06:56,029
Oh, I'm dead.
That's it. Okay. Eat me."
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00:06:56,024 --> 00:06:59,646
All I'm saying is, how birds noises
are normally quite relaxing,
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00:06:59,640 --> 00:07:03,037
- But not for the worm.
- Unbelievable.
180
00:07:03,032 --> 00:07:05,133
That was one question.
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00:07:08,123 --> 00:07:10,431
"what sound
or noise do you hate?"
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As me or as a--
as a worm?
183
00:07:13,436 --> 00:07:14,942
I don't know what you mean.
What do you mean?
184
00:07:14,940 --> 00:07:16,350
Why-- why would we
be asking a worm?
185
00:07:16,348 --> 00:07:19,233
I have never heard an actor
say that to James Lipton.
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00:07:19,229 --> 00:07:22,179
When he says,
"what noise do you hate?"
187
00:07:22,175 --> 00:07:23,616
"what?
As me or a worm?"
188
00:07:23,614 --> 00:07:25,858
No, all I'm saying is--
because of my last question--
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00:07:25,855 --> 00:07:28,739
That's what I was saying.
A bird noise is relaxing to me.
190
00:07:28,735 --> 00:07:30,434
- Right.
- Well, it's not anymore
191
00:07:30,432 --> 00:07:32,867
'cause I think of all the deaths
and stuff that go around that.
192
00:07:32,863 --> 00:07:35,365
- ( laughs ) - So now you
hate the sound of birds?
193
00:07:35,361 --> 00:07:37,474
I'm just saying it's
changed my view on it.
194
00:07:37,472 --> 00:07:39,105
It's like-- it's like
anything, isn't it?
195
00:07:39,103 --> 00:07:42,757
Every-- every noise
can mean a disaster.
196
00:07:42,751 --> 00:07:45,444
Can it? Why would the sound of
laughter-- people laughing--
197
00:07:45,440 --> 00:07:47,073
Why would
that suddenly cause--
198
00:07:47,071 --> 00:07:49,124
Why would that also
signify disaster?
199
00:07:49,121 --> 00:07:52,231
If you wake up in the night
by the sound of,
200
00:07:52,226 --> 00:07:54,117
Like, a baby laughing--
201
00:07:54,115 --> 00:07:57,032
A baby laughing!
202
00:07:57,028 --> 00:07:59,720
No, if I had a-- if I had a baby,
right, and Suzanne was out,
203
00:07:59,716 --> 00:08:01,318
- She worked nights or something...
- Ricky: Yeah.
204
00:08:01,316 --> 00:08:03,111
...And I had nodded off.
I had put the baby to sleep...
205
00:08:03,108 --> 00:08:05,318
- Ricky: Yeah. - ...
And then it's 3:00 in the morning...
206
00:08:05,315 --> 00:08:07,559
- ( baby laughs ) - ...
And I'm woken up by he sound of a baby laughing,
207
00:08:07,556 --> 00:08:09,790
- That would terrify me.
- ( Ricky laughing )
208
00:08:11,268 --> 00:08:12,934
How is--
I mean, just think,
209
00:08:12,932 --> 00:08:15,500
The baby's sitting up in a
chair like Chucky, going...
210
00:08:15,497 --> 00:08:18,991
- ( laughing evilly )
- Stephen: Well, no, the--
211
00:08:18,985 --> 00:08:21,132
I think the baby's
reading his diary...
212
00:08:21,129 --> 00:08:25,776
- ( Ricky laughing ) - ...
Thinking "oh, Christ, this is my father.
213
00:08:25,769 --> 00:08:27,885
I just hope
I'm adopted."
214
00:08:27,882 --> 00:08:31,250
Oh God, a baby laughing.
215
00:08:32,938 --> 00:08:36,592
"what profession other than your
own would you like to attempt?"
216
00:08:36,586 --> 00:08:39,087
This is you as you,
not as you as a worm.
217
00:08:40,492 --> 00:08:42,350
- But I would have the training?
- Oh, for--
218
00:08:42,347 --> 00:08:44,302
- Oh!
- No, well I've said before,
219
00:08:44,300 --> 00:08:46,737
I don't know, about maybe
having a go at an operation.
220
00:08:46,733 --> 00:08:49,650
I don't know why
it leaps from where--
221
00:08:49,646 --> 00:08:53,269
It leaps from no ambition, where
if he could have a job it would--
222
00:08:53,263 --> 00:08:55,314
His best job he's ever had
is a paper round
223
00:08:55,311 --> 00:08:57,042
And if he could have a job,
he'd go to the cobbler
224
00:08:57,040 --> 00:08:58,866
Once a week
and then walk a dog,
225
00:08:58,864 --> 00:09:01,333
To "I'd like to have a go
at thoracic surgery."
226
00:09:01,329 --> 00:09:03,957
No, I'm just saying I bet
it's a-- like we do this
227
00:09:03,954 --> 00:09:06,551
And some people like listening
to it and what-have-you
228
00:09:06,547 --> 00:09:08,630
And you go "fair enough."
but I never feel like
229
00:09:08,627 --> 00:09:10,742
I'm doing anything
of any worth.
230
00:09:10,739 --> 00:09:12,149
No, you're absolutely
right there.
231
00:09:12,147 --> 00:09:16,250
But if you're going
into a hospital,
232
00:09:16,244 --> 00:09:18,423
Which are places that are
pretty miserable anyway
233
00:09:18,420 --> 00:09:20,536
As a--
as an office space,
234
00:09:20,533 --> 00:09:23,289
Not only have you got
to go in that building
235
00:09:23,285 --> 00:09:25,561
And work in it, but you've
then got the pressure
236
00:09:25,558 --> 00:09:27,674
Of changing
a lung or whatever
237
00:09:27,671 --> 00:09:29,530
- As I've said before.
- Stephen: Changing a lung, yeah.
238
00:09:29,527 --> 00:09:31,322
But I'd like to have
go at it so I can say--
239
00:09:31,320 --> 00:09:32,795
- Stephen: You've done it.
- Karl: I've done that.
240
00:09:32,793 --> 00:09:36,480
So under what circumstances
in what world
241
00:09:36,475 --> 00:09:40,033
Do you think anyone's gonna let you
have a go at changing a lung and that?
242
00:09:40,027 --> 00:09:42,078
- Um--
- "Jim'll fix it"?
243
00:09:42,075 --> 00:09:43,999
- No, I'm just saying the way--
- Ricky: "comic relief"?
244
00:09:43,997 --> 00:09:47,235
But the way the world is, and the way
that there's more and more people,
245
00:09:47,230 --> 00:09:48,864
More and more doctors
are needed.
246
00:09:48,862 --> 00:09:50,689
I mean it's already
happening now with that--
247
00:09:50,687 --> 00:09:53,219
People are doing jobs that
they're not really qualified for
248
00:09:53,215 --> 00:09:56,581
Because they get-- they get
sort of a-- what's the word?
249
00:09:56,576 --> 00:09:59,140
- Sort of uppered too early.
- Uppered.
250
00:09:59,136 --> 00:10:01,701
"Uppered"?
Uppered.
251
00:10:01,697 --> 00:10:04,004
I love the fact--
it's basic language.
252
00:10:04,001 --> 00:10:06,150
It's like--
it's unbelievable.
253
00:10:06,147 --> 00:10:07,845
- "Uppered."
- Do you know what I mean?
254
00:10:07,843 --> 00:10:09,190
- Promoted.
- Yeah, promoted.
255
00:10:09,189 --> 00:10:10,823
- Yeah. I prefer "uppered."
- They get-- they get promoted.
256
00:10:10,821 --> 00:10:13,193
- "Uppered" is great.
- "Why was I not uppered?"
257
00:10:13,189 --> 00:10:14,887
- Unbelievable.
- So do you know what I mean?
258
00:10:14,885 --> 00:10:17,289
I think because more and more
people are knocking about,
259
00:10:17,286 --> 00:10:19,080
We need more and more doctors.
260
00:10:19,077 --> 00:10:20,840
- Yeah.
- You get a job in a doctor's,
261
00:10:20,838 --> 00:10:23,563
- You're gonna be promoted
sooner now, I think. - Yeah.
262
00:10:23,559 --> 00:10:27,406
But what I'd do is I-- I--
I'd probably upper you
263
00:10:27,400 --> 00:10:30,830
And then-- what's the word?
You "go away" them.
264
00:10:30,825 --> 00:10:33,454
- I think it is, you "go away" them.
- You-- you leave the door--
265
00:10:33,450 --> 00:10:35,148
You leave the door--
you "fire" them.
266
00:10:35,146 --> 00:10:36,908
That's it.
That's the word I'm looking for.
267
00:10:36,906 --> 00:10:40,048
Sorry, I'd upper you and "go
away" the doctor, if anything.
268
00:10:40,043 --> 00:10:41,743
But I've been to, uh--
269
00:10:41,741 --> 00:10:43,888
You know how I don't like going
to the doctor's and stuff?
270
00:10:43,885 --> 00:10:45,295
- Yeah.
- Right?
271
00:10:45,293 --> 00:10:46,863
'cause you're always scared
that they might
272
00:10:46,861 --> 00:10:49,264
Investigate
"below the bridge."
273
00:10:49,261 --> 00:10:51,761
Yeah, but I checked on that
before I signed up to it,
274
00:10:51,757 --> 00:10:54,192
And then they said, "right, before
we can take you on as a patient,
275
00:10:54,189 --> 00:10:56,850
You've gotta have
a health check."
276
00:10:56,846 --> 00:11:00,019
Right? Which I thought was odd,
'cause it's almost like saying
277
00:11:00,014 --> 00:11:02,417
"if you're ill, we can't have
you come in here," right?
278
00:11:02,414 --> 00:11:04,145
But I said, "right.
Okay, fair enough.
279
00:11:04,143 --> 00:11:05,842
What-- what is
this health check?"
280
00:11:05,839 --> 00:11:07,954
And they said, "oh, you know,
we just check your body out
281
00:11:07,951 --> 00:11:09,618
And make sure
you're fit and healthy."
282
00:11:09,616 --> 00:11:11,539
And I thought, "that is
not enough information.
283
00:11:11,537 --> 00:11:14,294
- I want to know if it's the old finger
trick or"-- - ( Ricky snickers )
284
00:11:14,290 --> 00:11:16,149
I said,
"what do you mean?
285
00:11:16,146 --> 00:11:18,198
When you said, 'health
check, ' what do you do?"
286
00:11:18,196 --> 00:11:20,375
And she said,
"oh, it's just"--
287
00:11:20,372 --> 00:11:21,975
I think she knew
what I was getting at.
288
00:11:21,973 --> 00:11:24,057
And she said, "oh, it's
just the blood pressure,
289
00:11:24,054 --> 00:11:26,975
Uh, your heart,
your height, your weight.
290
00:11:26,971 --> 00:11:30,016
That's about it.
" so I went-- I went and had it and stuff.
291
00:11:30,011 --> 00:11:31,485
But you had to--
before you sort of said,
292
00:11:31,483 --> 00:11:33,406
"right, I want this doctor,"
293
00:11:33,404 --> 00:11:36,481
They give you loads
of forms to fill out, right?
294
00:11:36,476 --> 00:11:39,291
And one of the things
they did was
295
00:11:39,287 --> 00:11:42,709
"if you die, what do
you wanna give away?"
296
00:11:42,704 --> 00:11:44,754
- Right? Like a donor...
- Mmm.
297
00:11:44,751 --> 00:11:46,386
...And what-have-you,
and I thought--
298
00:11:46,384 --> 00:11:48,082
I really thought about it
for 40 minutes or so.
299
00:11:48,080 --> 00:11:49,939
I didn't just
rush into it.
300
00:11:49,936 --> 00:11:52,116
I was sat there thinking, "if I'm
dead, does it matter and stuff?"
301
00:11:52,113 --> 00:11:54,485
But I was really
concerned
302
00:11:54,482 --> 00:11:57,751
- When it said about the eyes.
- ( Ricky laughing )
303
00:11:57,746 --> 00:11:59,541
- Right.
- Right.
304
00:11:59,539 --> 00:12:02,264
Why? What do you mean?
Can they have your eyes after you die?
305
00:12:02,260 --> 00:12:04,695
It was-- it was-- I think
it was fourth on the list.
306
00:12:04,691 --> 00:12:07,511
Why do you care about giving
your eyes away when you're dead?
307
00:12:07,507 --> 00:12:10,745
Just because of that thing of-- you
know, we don't know for sure yet.
308
00:12:10,740 --> 00:12:13,467
I know that you pooh-pooh it,
but the afterlife thing.
309
00:12:13,463 --> 00:12:15,387
So why in an afterlife
310
00:12:15,384 --> 00:12:18,365
Would you want your eyes more
311
00:12:18,361 --> 00:12:21,470
Than your liver, your kidneys,
your lungs and your heart?
312
00:12:21,465 --> 00:12:24,029
Because ghosts
don't eat, do they?
313
00:12:24,026 --> 00:12:26,847
So you don't need your liver,
your kidneys and stuff,
314
00:12:26,842 --> 00:12:28,605
'cause they're only there
to sort your food out.
315
00:12:28,603 --> 00:12:31,328
But your eyes--
if you're a ghost,
316
00:12:31,324 --> 00:12:34,392
- I don't wanna be a blind ghost.
- ( Ricky laughing )
317
00:12:35,805 --> 00:12:37,407
Because you're around
forever then, aren't you?
318
00:12:37,405 --> 00:12:39,007
Once you're a ghost, that's it.
319
00:12:39,005 --> 00:12:40,382
So the idea of being blind
when you're alive--
320
00:12:40,381 --> 00:12:42,689
You go, "well, all right,
then maybe in the afterlife
321
00:12:42,685 --> 00:12:44,512
I might be treated
to a pair of eyes."
322
00:12:44,510 --> 00:12:48,946
But the fact of wandering about dead
for years, bumping into stuff--
323
00:12:52,193 --> 00:12:54,886
Oh God!
Oh, it's amazing.
324
00:12:54,882 --> 00:12:56,292
That's an amazing image.
325
00:12:56,290 --> 00:12:57,508
So I didn't tick that box.
326
00:12:57,507 --> 00:12:59,687
But why?
I don't understand.
327
00:12:59,684 --> 00:13:02,473
In your theory of the afterlife,
why is it that you--
328
00:13:02,469 --> 00:13:04,199
You ghost--
this ghostly Karl,
329
00:13:04,197 --> 00:13:05,800
Why can he survive
without a heart
330
00:13:05,798 --> 00:13:07,272
But he can't
survive without eyes?
331
00:13:07,270 --> 00:13:09,001
What-- why--
do you see what I mean?
332
00:13:08,999 --> 00:13:10,665
Surely if you're
this ghostly apparition,
333
00:13:10,663 --> 00:13:12,618
You can just see everything
and you can do everything.
334
00:13:12,615 --> 00:13:15,885
- You don't need the body, because you're a ghost.
- Karl: No, because--
335
00:13:15,880 --> 00:13:18,060
Yeah, I know but I think
when you're a ghost--
336
00:13:18,057 --> 00:13:20,652
Say like how they've
seen ghosts in, uh--
337
00:13:20,648 --> 00:13:22,859
Right, can I just say now,
for any listeners,
338
00:13:22,856 --> 00:13:26,542
This is not the thoughts
and beliefs of the management.
339
00:13:26,537 --> 00:13:29,103
There is no such thing as ghosts.
I do not believe in ghosts.
340
00:13:29,099 --> 00:13:32,080
I do not believe in e.S.P.
Or any mumbo-jumbo.
341
00:13:32,075 --> 00:13:33,613
Cay on, Karl.
"so when there's a ghost," yeah?
342
00:13:33,612 --> 00:13:37,042
When they see ghosts
in old castles and stuff,
343
00:13:37,036 --> 00:13:38,702
They've had their head cut off
344
00:13:38,700 --> 00:13:40,975
Because they've been up to
no good, right, years ago.
345
00:13:40,972 --> 00:13:42,767
But they're carrying it around,
normally, under their arm.
346
00:13:42,765 --> 00:13:44,881
That's what I'm saying.
It hasn't reattached itself,
347
00:13:44,878 --> 00:13:46,384
So if you took
the eyes out--
348
00:13:46,382 --> 00:13:49,936
But, Karl, how is this ghostly
creature able to function?
349
00:13:49,931 --> 00:13:51,919
It-- it doesn't have
its head on, anyway.
350
00:13:51,916 --> 00:13:53,197
It's carrying it under its arm,
351
00:13:53,196 --> 00:13:55,087
So the suspicion is
it doesn't need its head.
352
00:13:55,084 --> 00:13:57,038
It just happens
to be carrying it around
353
00:13:57,036 --> 00:13:58,606
Because it, you know,
wants to keep it with it.
354
00:13:58,604 --> 00:14:00,206
No, the ghost is always
in the last condition
355
00:14:00,204 --> 00:14:03,249
- That it was in when it was
in-- - Who makes these rules?
356
00:14:03,244 --> 00:14:05,392
The way you are
in your last bit of life
357
00:14:05,389 --> 00:14:07,857
Is how you are as a ghost
forever, even in the fashion.
358
00:14:07,854 --> 00:14:10,643
Like, I say, the ghosts that you
see never wear modern clothes.
359
00:14:10,639 --> 00:14:12,594
It's always
the Victorian stuff.
360
00:14:12,591 --> 00:14:16,118
- ( Ricky laughs ) - Now if they
could change it, they would,
361
00:14:16,112 --> 00:14:18,163
But they can't cause they're
stuck with it, so that's--
362
00:14:18,161 --> 00:14:20,341
Why don't you see cavemen ghosts?
When did ghosts start?
363
00:14:20,338 --> 00:14:22,742
They didn't kick in till
about 1830, did they?
364
00:14:22,738 --> 00:14:25,718
What if you die when you're
having a rectal examination?
365
00:14:25,714 --> 00:14:29,337
Are you always bent forward WI
your trousers around your ankles
366
00:14:29,331 --> 00:14:31,093
And someone's finger
up your ass?
367
00:14:31,091 --> 00:14:32,597
But why would you die when
you're having that done?
368
00:14:32,595 --> 00:14:34,391
That's why I'm not having
it done if that's--
369
00:14:34,389 --> 00:14:39,519
- No no. No, no no. - But you might
have both been suddenly killed
370
00:14:39,510 --> 00:14:41,658
- In a terrible disaster.
- Yeah, a meteorite hit you.
371
00:14:41,656 --> 00:14:43,259
( crashes )
372
00:14:43,257 --> 00:14:45,116
Well, that's when you get
the moaning ghosts, isn't it?
373
00:14:45,113 --> 00:14:46,427
That's the other ones
that aren't happy.
374
00:14:46,426 --> 00:14:48,285
So you're going round
bent forward,
375
00:14:48,282 --> 00:14:49,884
You've got a doctor's
finger up your ass
376
00:14:49,882 --> 00:14:52,799
- And what are you doing?
- Karl: Sort of going, "oh,"
377
00:14:52,795 --> 00:14:54,013
And that's when you have
to get the vicar around.
378
00:14:54,012 --> 00:14:56,125
( Ricky laughs )
what do you mean?
379
00:14:56,122 --> 00:14:58,301
They have to put you to rest
and what-have-you, don't they?
380
00:14:58,298 --> 00:15:00,125
And what does a vicar do
when he's going--
381
00:15:00,123 --> 00:15:03,360
So I-- so I get the vicar
around, it's years later--
382
00:15:03,355 --> 00:15:04,860
It's 100 years later--
383
00:15:04,858 --> 00:15:06,621
You're around
this doctor surgery
384
00:15:06,619 --> 00:15:09,119
And there's people coming in.
And the new doctor there--
385
00:15:09,115 --> 00:15:11,614
And it's 2073
386
00:15:11,610 --> 00:15:13,500
And they go, "vicar--
387
00:15:13,498 --> 00:15:17,793
Vicar, there's a-- there's a
strange, ghostly apparition.
388
00:15:17,786 --> 00:15:20,670
It looks like an old doctor, right,
and he's got his fingers up
389
00:15:20,666 --> 00:15:23,745
This sort of little-- it's like a
chimpanzee but with a shaved head."
390
00:15:23,740 --> 00:15:25,246
No no, but the doctor
wouldn't be--
391
00:15:25,244 --> 00:15:27,233
- Are you saying the doctor dies as well?
- Yeah yeah.
392
00:15:27,231 --> 00:15:29,610
- You both-- you both die. - You die at the
same time with his finger up your ass,
393
00:15:29,606 --> 00:15:33,331
And so you're forever having
a little rectal examination
394
00:15:33,325 --> 00:15:35,504
With your little trousers
around your ankles.
395
00:15:35,501 --> 00:15:37,040
Well, that's when it'd be
best not to have your eyes.
396
00:15:37,039 --> 00:15:38,272
( Ricky laughing )
397
00:15:43,024 --> 00:15:45,012
( gurgling )
398
00:15:45,009 --> 00:15:47,765
Rick, I know this is something
you always get excited about.
399
00:15:47,761 --> 00:15:50,230
It's Karl's diary.
Can we have a jingle?
400
00:15:50,226 --> 00:15:53,463
I don't believe it!
He's gone and written it down!
401
00:15:53,458 --> 00:15:56,119
( classical score plays )
402
00:15:56,116 --> 00:15:58,050
Thank you very much.
403
00:15:59,157 --> 00:16:01,530
"woke up to the news
about an elephant in India"
404
00:16:01,527 --> 00:16:05,534
That had sore feet, so the locals
have made it a big pair of slippers.
405
00:16:05,527 --> 00:16:06,681
Tried to look online
for a picture
406
00:16:06,680 --> 00:16:08,280
But I couldn't
find anything."
407
00:16:08,278 --> 00:16:10,488
So they've made it
two pairs of slippers?
408
00:16:10,485 --> 00:16:13,017
Well, I'm only going by the
facts in the diary, Rick,
409
00:16:13,013 --> 00:16:16,091
And I would have thought that they were
absolutely bona fide and fact-checked.
410
00:16:16,087 --> 00:16:17,560
Completely accurate.
411
00:16:17,558 --> 00:16:19,792
I'd be very surprised if
there's any mistakes in here.
412
00:16:22,040 --> 00:16:24,603
"I'm sure they've done this
for an elephant before.
413
00:16:24,599 --> 00:16:26,491
I thought elephants
have bad memories."
414
00:16:26,489 --> 00:16:28,669
- No, they--
- But fair enough.
415
00:16:28,666 --> 00:16:30,556
"I thought elephants
have bad memories.
416
00:16:30,553 --> 00:16:32,541
If they have, I'm guessing it's gonna
keep forgetting where it's left 'em."
417
00:16:32,539 --> 00:16:34,655
I mean,
just to get--
418
00:16:34,652 --> 00:16:36,833
If it's a myth--
the myth's completely wrong.
419
00:16:36,830 --> 00:16:38,432
- Yeah.
- "Elephants never forget."
420
00:16:38,430 --> 00:16:41,058
That's the saying.
Not "they always forget,"
421
00:16:41,054 --> 00:16:43,137
So you can buy
them slippers every year.
422
00:16:43,134 --> 00:16:44,800
Karl says, "I haven't had
a pair of slippers for years."
423
00:16:44,798 --> 00:16:46,914
- He thinks they're dying out.
- No, I love slippers.
424
00:16:46,911 --> 00:16:48,544
- I love a pair of slippers.
- I love a pair of slippers.
425
00:16:48,542 --> 00:16:51,551
Just wear socks.
- Slidey on the cold--
426
00:16:51,547 --> 00:16:54,783
- Slidey on a piece of lino.
- I know. What about if you,
427
00:16:54,778 --> 00:16:59,555
You know, maybe open a
brand-new box of thumbtacks?
428
00:16:59,547 --> 00:17:01,823
You drop them all over the floor,
you're trying to pick them up--
429
00:17:01,820 --> 00:17:03,742
Rick, I've gotta pop across
the road to get some milk
430
00:17:03,739 --> 00:17:05,406
But it's right opposite.
I'm surely not gonna go in my socks, though.
431
00:17:05,404 --> 00:17:07,294
I don't wanna put on my shoes.
It's madness.
432
00:17:07,292 --> 00:17:09,087
- Ricky: No no no. Pop some slippers on.
- Stephen: Perfect, yeah.
433
00:17:09,084 --> 00:17:10,847
- Ricky: Yeah. - You shouldn't
go out in your slippers.
434
00:17:10,845 --> 00:17:12,672
- Why not? - Just across the
street, mate, to get some milk.
435
00:17:12,670 --> 00:17:14,465
'cause they're inside shoes.
436
00:17:14,462 --> 00:17:16,930
You don't go roaming about
on tarmac in slippers.
437
00:17:16,927 --> 00:17:19,427
- That's basic.
- But you don't have any slippers,
438
00:17:19,423 --> 00:17:21,282
So you're just tiptoeing
across the street.
439
00:17:21,280 --> 00:17:23,876
- I put my shoes on.
- But you can-- you can-- you can pop out
440
00:17:23,872 --> 00:17:27,143
And get the paper and, you know,
the bottle of milk-- can't you?
441
00:17:27,138 --> 00:17:29,255
--In the slippers
without any harm done.
442
00:17:29,252 --> 00:17:31,175
No.
443
00:17:31,173 --> 00:17:32,775
Oh.
444
00:17:32,773 --> 00:17:35,081
Apparently not.
445
00:17:35,078 --> 00:17:37,216
That will make it
into the diary.
446
00:17:39,565 --> 00:17:42,134
"tried to have a shower,
but there was no water."
447
00:17:43,119 --> 00:17:44,754
I love it when he calls about
448
00:17:44,752 --> 00:17:46,706
- Things going wrong with the flat.
- But I love the fact
449
00:17:46,703 --> 00:17:48,529
That he tried to have a
shower, but there's no water.
450
00:17:48,527 --> 00:17:51,249
How long did it take you before you realized?
He was there for 20 minutes.
451
00:17:51,245 --> 00:17:53,553
After 20 minutes, he said,
"Suzanne, should I be dry?"
452
00:17:53,550 --> 00:17:55,120
"yeah,
I'm freezing cold."
453
00:17:55,118 --> 00:17:57,361
Yeah. "no no, you should
be sort of wet and warm."
454
00:17:57,358 --> 00:18:00,756
"right, there's
no water then." brilliant.
455
00:18:00,750 --> 00:18:03,312
"I called the service charge
people but no one was about."
456
00:18:03,309 --> 00:18:05,135
Looked outside but couldn't
see any work going on.
457
00:18:05,132 --> 00:18:08,274
Great, isn't it? In India, they can
sort out elephants with shoes.
458
00:18:08,270 --> 00:18:09,904
In London,
we have no water.
459
00:18:14,030 --> 00:18:16,723
Hung about for a bit.
But still no sign of any water.
460
00:18:16,719 --> 00:18:18,802
Brushed my teeth
just using the paste
461
00:18:18,799 --> 00:18:21,876
And used the little bit that was
in the kettle to have a wash.
462
00:18:21,872 --> 00:18:24,500
I was pretty chuffed
by the thought of using that.
463
00:18:24,496 --> 00:18:26,900
Suzanne was a bit annoyed
'cause she wanted a cup of tea.
464
00:18:26,896 --> 00:18:29,749
She said, 'go across the road and
buy a big bottle of water.'"
465
00:18:29,745 --> 00:18:32,725
Not in your socks.
Pop some slippers on.
466
00:18:32,721 --> 00:18:34,549
"'go across the road and buy a
big bottle of water, ' she said.
467
00:18:34,546 --> 00:18:36,680
I never
thought of that."
468
00:18:38,995 --> 00:18:40,950
- Oh. - You had a
wash using the water
469
00:18:40,947 --> 00:18:43,062
- In the kettle?
- Yeah, that's clean, isn't it?
470
00:18:43,060 --> 00:18:45,465
- How much? There's only a little drop in there.
- Noit's big kettle.
471
00:18:45,461 --> 00:18:46,903
So what-- did you
just wash your face?
472
00:18:46,901 --> 00:18:49,497
- Yeah. - So you didn't
wash your body or anything?
473
00:18:49,494 --> 00:18:51,033
- Your genitals were filthy.
- You couldn't, could you?
474
00:18:51,031 --> 00:18:54,044
You gotta look out what you can
do with the water available.
475
00:18:54,039 --> 00:18:56,731
People in Africa that are short
on water aren't wasting it,
476
00:18:56,727 --> 00:18:58,811
Saying "oh, my feet
are a bit dirty."
477
00:18:58,809 --> 00:19:01,342
They drink it.
What do you mean?
478
00:19:01,338 --> 00:19:03,774
"had a look online to see
what's been going on.
479
00:19:03,770 --> 00:19:05,693
Scientists say
that Everest"--
480
00:19:05,691 --> 00:19:08,127
Brackets--
"the mountain"--
481
00:19:08,123 --> 00:19:11,617
Just in case you confuse that
with any other everests.
482
00:19:11,612 --> 00:19:13,343
Maybe the double-
glazing people.
483
00:19:13,341 --> 00:19:17,027
Yeah. "scientists say that
Everest has grown a bit.
484
00:19:17,021 --> 00:19:18,207
The way they were
talking about it,
485
00:19:18,206 --> 00:19:19,777
You'd have thought
it's grown loads.
486
00:19:19,775 --> 00:19:22,563
- It's only inches."
- No, isn't that...
487
00:19:22,559 --> 00:19:24,706
They found out
that it's actually
488
00:19:24,703 --> 00:19:26,626
A couple inches taller
than they first thought,
489
00:19:26,623 --> 00:19:28,482
Because their methods
of measuring
490
00:19:28,480 --> 00:19:31,140
Are more accurate than
they were 20 years ago?
491
00:19:31,136 --> 00:19:33,380
So it's bigger
than they thought it was.
492
00:19:33,377 --> 00:19:36,775
- It hasn't grown. - No, I just think
what's happened is at the bottom,
493
00:19:36,770 --> 00:19:39,206
Because people are
always climbing up it,
494
00:19:39,202 --> 00:19:41,285
- Aren't they? Right?
- Yeah.
495
00:19:41,282 --> 00:19:43,430
So that's wearing away
the soil at the bottom.
496
00:19:43,428 --> 00:19:47,146
Don't talk rubbish.
It's also measured against sea level.
497
00:19:47,140 --> 00:19:48,454
It's not measured
about when you--
498
00:19:48,452 --> 00:19:50,214
Otherwise they'd
just pick a big hole
499
00:19:50,212 --> 00:19:51,493
And go, "right,
it's down to here."
500
00:19:51,492 --> 00:19:54,280
The peak is measured
against sea level.
501
00:19:54,276 --> 00:19:56,006
No, but does it matter
at the end of the day?
502
00:19:56,003 --> 00:19:57,575
No, but it's just nice
to know, isn't it?
503
00:19:57,574 --> 00:20:00,077
Yeah, but what I'm saying is
we don't need to know that.
504
00:20:00,073 --> 00:20:01,643
It's not gonna put anyone off.
505
00:20:01,641 --> 00:20:03,564
Like Brian blessed, who's always
climbing up there for fun.
506
00:20:03,562 --> 00:20:05,485
He is not gonna go
"I could handle it last year,
507
00:20:05,482 --> 00:20:08,561
But, oh, two more inches?
Forget that."
508
00:20:08,556 --> 00:20:11,761
- Gonna be shattered. So don't worry about it.
- ( Stephen laughs )
509
00:20:11,756 --> 00:20:13,775
It doesn't matter
how big it is.
510
00:20:13,773 --> 00:20:16,049
Something else, though,
At's happened since, right?
511
00:20:16,046 --> 00:20:18,770
They were climbing up there,
512
00:20:18,766 --> 00:20:20,880
Someone got near the top
513
00:20:20,877 --> 00:20:23,601
And they were sort of
climbing up like that,
514
00:20:23,597 --> 00:20:25,263
Holding the cliff edge
and that--
515
00:20:25,261 --> 00:20:27,087
And they'd forgotten
the flag and had to go back?
516
00:20:27,084 --> 00:20:29,263
No, their hand
hit the bit of rock
517
00:20:29,260 --> 00:20:30,510
And it went like...
Dong!
518
00:20:30,509 --> 00:20:32,784
"oh, what's that?"
dong-dong!
519
00:20:32,781 --> 00:20:34,447
Put another hand up...
Ding-ding!
520
00:20:34,445 --> 00:20:37,235
Piano under there.
They don't know how it got there.
521
00:20:37,231 --> 00:20:38,898
Right, you're talking
shit again.
522
00:20:38,896 --> 00:20:41,175
- Someone's been tipping.
- Well-- oh, right.
523
00:20:41,171 --> 00:20:43,993
- Up mount Everest? - Okay.
The council won't even take away
524
00:20:43,989 --> 00:20:45,495
Your washing machine
unless you pay 'em.
525
00:20:45,493 --> 00:20:47,160
They're not gonna
sneak up Everest--
526
00:20:47,158 --> 00:20:49,242
No, this is the problem, 'cause
the council won't take anything.
527
00:20:49,240 --> 00:20:51,195
- People are going, "what can we do with this?
" - Ricky: "oh yeah,
528
00:20:51,192 --> 00:20:53,276
Why not just--
I'll tell you what.
529
00:20:53,273 --> 00:20:55,837
Just sneak up Everest.
It'll take you nine days
530
00:20:55,833 --> 00:20:57,692
And you may die,
531
00:20:57,690 --> 00:20:59,965
But just pop it
up on Everest."
532
00:20:59,962 --> 00:21:02,142
Well, I know for a fact
that you've confused--
533
00:21:02,139 --> 00:21:03,389
You've confused
a few things there,
534
00:21:03,388 --> 00:21:05,951
Because I think
the piano being found
535
00:21:05,947 --> 00:21:07,934
Was actually
somewhere in Scotland--
536
00:21:07,931 --> 00:21:11,456
Some kind of moor in Scotland--
and they found a piano up there.
537
00:21:11,451 --> 00:21:13,791
And everyone said, "how's
a piano doing up here?"
538
00:21:13,787 --> 00:21:15,325
And it turned out
that some guy--
539
00:21:15,324 --> 00:21:17,438
One of these people who tries
to break world records--
540
00:21:17,435 --> 00:21:20,961
Had dragged a piano up there as
some kind of feat of endurance
541
00:21:20,955 --> 00:21:22,942
But thought, "I'll be damned if
I'm gonna take it back again,"
542
00:21:22,940 --> 00:21:24,509
And just
left it up there.
543
00:21:24,507 --> 00:21:26,808
It wasn't anybody tipping
or aliens or anything.
544
00:21:30,140 --> 00:21:32,609
"some scientists have come up
with a cure for bird flu."
545
00:21:32,606 --> 00:21:35,491
It's something to do
with some stuff in horses.
546
00:21:35,486 --> 00:21:37,026
They gave
the flu to a mouse,
547
00:21:37,025 --> 00:21:38,789
Then injected it
and it's well again.
548
00:21:38,786 --> 00:21:40,966
I think we should stop coming
up with cures for things
549
00:21:40,963 --> 00:21:43,239
As the germs are just getting
stronger and stronger.
550
00:21:43,236 --> 00:21:45,735
I reckon by 2020
germs will be so big
551
00:21:45,732 --> 00:21:47,879
That we will be able
to see them in the air.
552
00:21:47,876 --> 00:21:49,736
They will no longer be
little particles.
553
00:21:49,733 --> 00:21:52,908
You wouldn't swallow one. If you did, it
won't be the germ that will kill you.
554
00:21:52,903 --> 00:21:54,698
- You'll just choke to death."
- Karl: I think that's--
555
00:21:54,696 --> 00:21:56,554
That's how we'll die
in the future.
556
00:21:56,552 --> 00:21:59,695
- Choking on enormous giant germs?
- On germs.
557
00:21:59,690 --> 00:22:02,351
And then they'll be rampaging
around the cities, will they?
558
00:22:02,347 --> 00:22:04,013
I'll tell you what,
though, right?
559
00:22:04,011 --> 00:22:05,742
I'm getting worried now
560
00:22:05,740 --> 00:22:07,888
Because this stuff
he believes and thinks of,
561
00:22:07,885 --> 00:22:11,797
It-- it-- it-- I mean,
it could be mental.
562
00:22:11,791 --> 00:22:14,869
Do you know what I mean, though?
Like a proper paranoid sort of--
563
00:22:14,864 --> 00:22:18,264
One of those people that's soon gonna
live in a loft covered in tin foil?
564
00:22:18,259 --> 00:22:19,797
- Stephen: Yeah.
- Ricky: Right?
565
00:22:19,795 --> 00:22:22,809
And pages of the bible
all the way around the--
566
00:22:22,804 --> 00:22:25,816
And Suzanne's gonna have to
put on some sort of spacesuit
567
00:22:25,812 --> 00:22:27,703
- To come in and give him his beans on toast.
- Stephen: Yeah.
568
00:22:27,700 --> 00:22:29,656
Ricky: And he's gonna have
to polish each Bean.
569
00:22:29,654 --> 00:22:31,576
That's-- that's what
scientists do, isn't it?
570
00:22:31,573 --> 00:22:33,238
They just think ahead
of everyone else.
571
00:22:33,236 --> 00:22:34,772
That's what I'm doing.
572
00:22:34,770 --> 00:22:37,554
And the weird thing
is, right, Steve,
573
00:22:37,550 --> 00:22:40,433
Sometime last week
there was a science piece
574
00:22:40,429 --> 00:22:42,288
Which was close
to what I'd already said.
575
00:22:42,286 --> 00:22:44,562
- Yeah. Sure.
- They've got some germs
576
00:22:44,558 --> 00:22:46,384
That like eating sugar, right?
577
00:22:46,382 --> 00:22:48,754
They stick 'em in a lunch
box with a chocolate bar.
578
00:22:48,751 --> 00:22:50,899
Within an hour,
it was gone, right?
579
00:22:50,896 --> 00:22:52,818
And they say now these
germs love chocolate and--
580
00:22:52,815 --> 00:22:54,802
Did this scientist
leave it near
581
00:22:54,800 --> 00:22:57,044
This fat scientist that works
in the same laboratory?
582
00:22:57,040 --> 00:22:58,899
"anyway,
it's unbelievable."
583
00:22:58,897 --> 00:23:00,788
He said, "Ted."
he went, "what?"
584
00:23:00,786 --> 00:23:03,960
"right, I put the chocolate
bar in here with the germ.
585
00:23:03,955 --> 00:23:06,263
I can't believe it's gone."
"that's amazing.
586
00:23:06,260 --> 00:23:08,215
Well, it's brilliant, that.
Do it again."
587
00:23:08,212 --> 00:23:10,808
"what?" "do it again.
Leave another one.
588
00:23:10,804 --> 00:23:12,792
- See if it happens again."
- ( Burps )
589
00:23:12,790 --> 00:23:14,969
So in the future,
you're running around
590
00:23:14,966 --> 00:23:17,561
- And germs are...
- Eating chocolate.
591
00:23:17,557 --> 00:23:19,658
Right.
592
00:23:20,693 --> 00:23:23,001
That's not science.
That's PAC-man.
593
00:23:25,555 --> 00:23:28,757
( Ricky laughs,
germ beeping )
594
00:23:28,807 --> 00:23:33,357
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