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For the past few years
ricky gervais,
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00:00:20,097 --> 00:00:22,766
Stephen merchant,
and karl pilkingn
3
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Have been meeting regularly
4
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For a series of pointless
conversations.
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00:00:27,321 --> 00:00:29,222
This is one of them.
6
00:00:29,278 --> 00:00:31,025
- Testing.
- Is that all right?
7
00:00:50,608 --> 00:00:53,043
Um, I got a text from
karl yesterday, steve.
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00:00:53,106 --> 00:00:56,875
A text from karl, yeah. - Yeah.
I'll just read it to you.
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Okay. "see you tomoz for
a face rub at 6:30 then.
10
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No bum tubes though."
11
00:01:04,648 --> 00:01:06,682
So I was intrigued.
I called karl and said,
12
00:01:06,741 --> 00:01:08,808
"I think you just sent
me a text by mistake."
13
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What's the explanati of that?
14
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Me mate, right, russell,
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He just said, you know,
"there's things that go on in life
16
00:01:16,258 --> 00:01:18,226
That you need to experience.
" - ricky: Yeah?
17
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He said, "just pop along."
18
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- I didn't say yes strai.
- What's a face rub?
19
00:01:22,232 --> 00:01:23,999
You mean a facial?
Where you lay down--
20
00:01:24,055 --> 00:01:26,957
- You just clean your face with a-
- - yeah, so you're gonna go
21
00:01:27,025 --> 00:01:28,726
Lie down with another man and
have your face fiddled with.
22
00:01:28,780 --> 00:01:30,481
Well, no, this is what
I was saying to him.
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There was a couple of questions-
I didn't just say yes straightaway.
24
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I questioned it. I said,
"I'm not that happy with this.
25
00:01:34,787 --> 00:01:37,189
There's nothing weird going on here,
is there?
26
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It's not a house. It's a
proper clinic and that?"
27
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He said, "yeah, it's proper.
You wear a dressing gown
28
00:01:42,821 --> 00:01:44,922
I said, "I'm not that"-- - so he's already
got you in the dressing gown?
29
00:01:44,980 --> 00:01:47,181
Yeah, well, I haven't agreed to that.
Today I've worn a little,
30
00:01:47,242 --> 00:01:50,377
Round polo-neck jumper so I
don't have to take it off.
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00:01:50,448 --> 00:01:52,949
It's not gonna get in
the way of me face.
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00:01:53,012 --> 00:01:54,847
I made sure I didn't wear
a shirt with a collar.
33
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I'm not taking this off. They can put
the dressing gown on top of this.
34
00:01:58,075 --> 00:01:59,910
Right. - I don't know
if there's a woman
35
00:01:59,966 --> 00:02:02,100
Who rubs me head.
I don't know if it's a bloke.
36
00:02:02,160 --> 00:02:04,328
Well, the thing is you get
extra for your face rub
37
00:02:04,387 --> 00:02:06,488
'cause your face goes all
the way back over
38
00:02:06,546 --> 00:02:08,547
The top of your head to the
back of your neck.
39
00:02:08,606 --> 00:02:10,373
You've got a big face,
haven't you?
40
00:02:10,429 --> 00:02:13,297
All I was saying to him is
"I'll have the face rub,"
41
00:02:13,364 --> 00:02:15,833
But I don't know if
once you're in there
42
00:02:15,896 --> 00:02:18,765
They try to sell you the old--
43
00:02:18,832 --> 00:02:20,800
- The old...?
- --The bum tube thing.
44
00:02:20,857 --> 00:02:23,292
What's the bum tube?
Is that a euphemism?
45
00:02:23,355 --> 00:02:25,823
- What are you talking about?
- The thing where they pop a tube in,
46
00:02:25,886 --> 00:02:28,220
Put coffee in your belly and
it cleans you out and that.
47
00:02:28,283 --> 00:02:30,384
An enema? Why would you have that?
48
00:02:30,442 --> 00:02:32,310
I don't-- I'm not-- I don't want it.
I don't think--
49
00:02:32,366 --> 00:02:36,302
Why no - I think I've
said to you before about
50
00:02:36,383 --> 00:02:38,517
You know, you don't need
to be that clean inside.
51
00:02:38,576 --> 00:02:40,377
I don't mind washing me face.
52
00:02:40,433 --> 00:02:43,234
What occasion do you need
where you're cleaned out?
53
00:02:44,246 --> 00:02:45,646
Do you know what I mean?
54
00:02:45,698 --> 00:02:47,832
It's always a clear tube and that
55
00:02:47,892 --> 00:02:49,926
And you see all this stuff whizzing past.
I don't understand why it's clear.
56
00:02:49,984 --> 00:02:52,152
I don't know why you've got to see
what's coming out of you.
57
00:02:52,212 --> 00:02:56,081
I guess like "the generation game,
" making notes of what's whizzing past.
58
00:02:56,160 --> 00:02:58,362
Forget it.
59
00:03:00,514 --> 00:03:02,615
I was watching some different tv,
60
00:03:02,674 --> 00:03:04,809
Saw an amazing documentary-
it was called "tribes."
61
00:03:04,868 --> 00:03:07,536
This guy, he goes and lives with
different tribes around the world--
62
00:03:07,602 --> 00:03:09,770
These small,
little indigenous people.
63
00:03:09,829 --> 00:03:12,063
There was one-
heen wt to papua, new guinea
64
00:03:12,124 --> 00:03:13,724
In indonesia right, karl?
65
00:03:13,778 --> 00:03:16,513
He lived wit the kombai tribe,
all right?
66
00:03:16,579 --> 00:03:19,615
Now this papua, new guinea,
is an extraordinary place,
67
00:03:19,684 --> 00:03:21,518
Because it is one of the
only places left on earth
68
00:03:21,575 --> 00:03:22,875
That hasn't been fully explored.
69
00:03:22,924 --> 00:03:26,460
There are parts of it-
it's just blank on the map,
70
00:03:26,535 --> 00:03:28,637
'cause they've never explored that.
They don't know what's there.
71
00:03:28,696 --> 00:03:30,030
They don't know what's going on.
72
00:03:30,080 --> 00:03:32,415
So fstirly, that must
already fakre you out.
73
00:03:32,476 --> 00:03:34,377
Image inthat. 21st century--
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00:03:34,433 --> 00:03:36,334
They have no idea what's
going on down there.
75
00:03:36,391 --> 00:03:39,227
But do they edne to know if
there'sot nhing going on?
76
00:03:39,294 --> 00:03:41,762
well, they--
77
00:03:41,825 --> 00:03:43,926
They don't kw nowhat's going on.
There could be stuff going on
78
00:03:43,985 --> 00:03:46,887
No, but there's no chance that they'll go,
"we haven't been over there,"
79
00:03:46,955 --> 00:03:49,023
Someone goes and there's
an arndale centre.
80
00:03:49,081 --> 00:03:51,049
Nothing's going to be there,
is it?
81
00:03:51,106 --> 00:03:52,640
Well, I'll tell you atwh is there.
82
00:03:52,693 --> 00:03:54,560
There's these various
small tribes--
83
00:03:54,616 --> 00:03:56,150
Some of these tribes
are still cannibals,
84
00:03:56,203 --> 00:03:58,237
Eating people from other tribes.
85
00:03:58,295 --> 00:04:00,764
Do they know they could move on?
Have they got a telly?
86
00:04:00,827 --> 00:04:04,163
Or have th seyeen a telly and gone,
"I'm not up for that"?
87
00:04:04,235 --> 00:04:06,736
Or are they just- are they saying--
88
00:04:06,801 --> 00:04:08,835
- It's not the amish.
- They haven't chosen this.
89
00:04:08,893 --> 00:04:11,628
But what is the difference between
the amish and these people?
90
00:04:11,694 --> 00:04:15,030
Well, the amish are a group of people
that choose to live in that way.
91
00:04:15,103 --> 00:04:18,639
These people are essentially
untouched by civilization.
92
00:04:18,714 --> 00:04:20,882
I mean, they do have
interaction with civilization
93
00:04:20,941 --> 00:04:23,510
D people do come there,
but they still live
94
00:04:23,574 --> 00:04:25,975
In this very-
almost prehistoricay w.
95
00:04:26,038 --> 00:04:27,405
They did buy a telly,
but there was nothing on
96
00:04:27,490 --> 00:04:29,190
Because there wasn't any
broadcasters.
97
00:04:29,245 --> 00:04:31,346
- Stephen: They couldn't plug it in.
- Ricky: Yeah.
98
00:04:31,404 --> 00:04:33,105
stephen: It would've been
an absolute nightmare.
99
00:04:33,159 --> 00:04:36,428
There was one guy,
he said his brother was dying.
100
00:04:36,501 --> 00:04:38,401
This was a couple of years ago-
his brother was dying.
101
00:04:38,459 --> 00:04:40,460
He said to his dying brother,
"what happened? Why are you dying?"
102
00:04:40,517 --> 00:04:42,885
This guy said, "it was a bloke
in anotheril vlage."
103
00:04:42,948 --> 00:04:45,916
He goes over to the other village.
He kills this other bloke.
104
00:04:45,985 --> 00:04:48,453
He eats him-- or eats bits of him.
105
00:04:48,516 --> 00:04:50,350
The other village gets annoyed.
They go, "what's going on?
106
00:04:50,407 --> 00:04:53,075
Why'd you kill this bloke they were-
"sorry about that."
107
00:04:53,140 --> 00:04:55,508
They said, "you ne to make it up to us.
" he gave them a pig.
108
00:04:55,570 --> 00:04:57,771
they said, "a pig's not enough."
109
00:04:57,831 --> 00:05:00,600
Then he gave them five pig so
five pigs apparently
110
00:05:00,666 --> 00:05:02,433
Made up for the fact that he
killed one of them.
111
00:05:02,489 --> 00:05:04,456
They said "hang on what are you gonna
do about this bloke's wife?"
112
00:05:04,514 --> 00:05:06,515
Why were they bartering?
Why didn't they get
113
00:05:06,573 --> 00:05:08,574
The police in and say,
"what's going on?"
114
00:05:08,632 --> 00:05:12,401
The police? - Yeah.
Why didn't they call in kojak?
115
00:05:12,479 --> 00:05:14,013
'cause he would've sorted it out,
wouldn't he?
116
00:05:14,066 --> 00:05:16,267
What I mean is they're
miles away from anything,
117
00:05:16,326 --> 00:05:19,495
But it doesn't sound like
a great place to live.
118
00:05:19,566 --> 00:05:22,168
Could they not mov
could one of them go
119
00:05:22,233 --> 00:05:24,201
"you know what? I'm sick of this.
120
00:05:24,258 --> 00:05:27,794
I'm moving or whatever and
going to a proper city"?
121
00:05:27,870 --> 00:05:31,339
How far away are
these papua people...
122
00:05:31,413 --> 00:05:34,715
...To the next--
123
00:05:34,789 --> 00:05:37,490
To the next-- - they're like the smurfs.
They' vreery like the smurfs.
124
00:05:37,589 --> 00:05:39,557
How many miles away from a place
125
00:05:39,614 --> 00:05:41,282
With a normal life going on?
126
00:05:41,336 --> 00:05:44,371
Think about this, karl.
Firstly, they don't speak the language,
127
00:05:44,441 --> 00:05:46,542
So they don't have
any practical skills.
128
00:05:46,601 --> 00:05:48,569
They've got no experienc
of civilization.
129
00:05:48,626 --> 00:05:50,527
Even if they chose to go and
live in on of these cities,
130
00:05:50,583 --> 00:05:53,385
What can they do how
can they function?
131
00:05:53,453 --> 00:05:56,321
I think there's some bacteria
that has better lives than that.
132
00:05:59,730 --> 00:06:01,564
That's got to be offensive.
133
00:06:01,620 --> 00:06:03,288
Why?
134
00:06:04,725 --> 00:06:06,759
Okay, butht is is one
of the weirdest things--
135
00:06:06,818 --> 00:06:08,785
This is one of the
weirdesthi tngs, right?
136
00:06:08,843 --> 00:06:11,378
Sorry.
137
00:06:11,441 --> 00:06:14,476
An entire people-
an entire race of people
138
00:06:14,547 --> 00:06:16,948
- He said-- - I'm not-
- I'm not having a go.
139
00:06:17,010 --> 00:06:19,679
I'm just saying I wouldn't fancy it,
is what I mean.
140
00:06:19,744 --> 00:06:21,979
But they don't know
of another world.
141
00:06:22,039 --> 00:06:24,174
Hocow uld they imagine that they could-
"I'll tell you what.
142
00:06:24,233 --> 00:06:26,234
This is boring. I'm tired
of hunting for food
143
00:06:26,291 --> 00:06:27,725
And eating fish from the river.
144
00:06:27,776 --> 00:06:29,644
I'd like a world where
the'ers ipods
145
00:06:29,700 --> 00:06:31,768
And room service. I'm gonna go
and move to new york."
146
00:06:31,826 --> 00:06:33,861
But they're not thinking like that,
are they, karl?
147
00:06:33,919 --> 00:06:35,219
'cause they don't know about
this other world.
148
00:06:35,270 --> 00:06:37,137
But people go to these
places on holiday now,
149
00:06:37,193 --> 00:06:38,693
They like a little bit of danger.
150
00:06:38,746 --> 00:06:40,880
They like to see how
the others live.
151
00:06:40,939 --> 00:06:44,342
All I'm saying is we know they exist-
the papua people.
152
00:06:44,416 --> 00:06:45,616
Maybe people aren't going there.
153
00:06:45,665 --> 00:06:47,799
It doesn't sound
like the best place.
154
00:06:47,859 --> 00:06:49,960
You know, I can't imagine
having a tourist board
155
00:06:50,052 --> 00:06:51,920
Or anything, right?
156
00:06:51,976 --> 00:06:54,745
But would they accept me
if I popped over there
157
00:06:54,811 --> 00:06:57,079
With shoes on in papua?
158
00:06:57,139 --> 00:07:00,709
Well, this is one of
the things they do,
159
00:07:00,785 --> 00:07:02,286
Which is a traditi
you may have to do.
160
00:07:02,338 --> 00:07:05,373
These kombai, right,
they invert their penises.
161
00:07:05,443 --> 00:07:08,111
So they push their penises
back up inside their bodies.
162
00:07:08,176 --> 00:07:11,245
- Like a sock.
- What for?
163
00:07:11,315 --> 00:07:13,183
- Well--
- keeps it out of the way.
164
00:07:15,095 --> 00:07:17,197
Of what? - Stephen: If you're running
through the undergrowth,
165
00:07:17,255 --> 00:07:20,457
Chasing a hog, you don't
want it flapping away.
166
00:07:20,529 --> 00:07:22,997
But-- - but it's also
become a ceremonial thing,
167
00:07:23,027 --> 00:07:24,559
So if you were over there,
you may have to try it yourself.
168
00:07:24,613 --> 00:07:25,947
But-- you will have to
become try it yourself.
169
00:07:25,997 --> 00:07:27,197
If you went there,
you'd have to try it yourself.
170
00:07:27,245 --> 00:07:29,280
But even caveman had
little pants on.
171
00:07:29,338 --> 00:07:31,806
- Why haven't they--
- both: Whoa!
172
00:07:31,869 --> 00:07:34,070
- Slow down.
- Rewind.
173
00:07:34,130 --> 00:07:36,532
What do you mean? - Okay,
you've been watching "the flintstones."
174
00:07:36,594 --> 00:07:39,362
- No no no, it's just-
- is it a leopard skin pair of pants?
175
00:07:39,429 --> 00:07:41,163
That's actually quite-- go on.
176
00:07:41,218 --> 00:07:43,219
But it's a well-known
fact that they wore
177
00:07:43,277 --> 00:07:44,911
Bear pants or whatever.
178
00:07:45,167 --> 00:07:47,101
Bear pants? What do you mean?
179
00:07:47,158 --> 00:07:48,858
No no no no no, listen.
180
00:07:48,913 --> 00:07:51,414
You are a qualified anthropologist,
181
00:07:51,479 --> 00:07:53,079
- So what--
- I mean,
182
00:07:53,132 --> 00:07:56,134
Whenever you see 'em on
footage or in a museum--
183
00:07:56,203 --> 00:07:59,172
Foote?Ag - yeah, whenever you see
that early documentary footage--
184
00:07:59,241 --> 00:08:01,475
It's black and white,
isn't it? Caveman footage.
185
00:08:03,054 --> 00:08:05,222
You always see 'em wearing
a little bit of fur--
186
00:08:05,283 --> 00:08:08,318
Furry little pants and tt.
Ha so what I'm saying is
187
00:08:08,387 --> 00:08:11,856
Even though-- what year is it
to these people in the woods?
188
00:08:11,931 --> 00:08:14,466
I don't know what this
conversation is anymore.
189
00:08:14,530 --> 00:08:16,598
He's just clutching at straws.
190
00:08:16,656 --> 00:08:18,457
His mind--
191
00:08:18,512 --> 00:08:21,448
It's like a fly, his mind,
isn't it? -
192
00:08:21,516 --> 00:08:24,718
It's just buzzing around,
trying to find a window.
193
00:08:24,790 --> 00:08:26,491
It's hitting against pieces
of information
194
00:08:26,546 --> 00:08:28,980
- But they're just bouncing off.
- yeah.
195
00:08:29,043 --> 00:08:31,678
- Stephen: Dazed and perplexed.
- Oh, forget it then.
196
00:08:34,814 --> 00:08:36,982
I was shopping with
karl before christmas
197
00:08:37,042 --> 00:08:38,976
And we went around
piccadilly and st. James's--
198
00:08:39,033 --> 00:08:41,601
Those really beautiful
shops around there.
199
00:08:41,666 --> 00:08:44,301
I went in one shop.
We had to ring a bell to enter.
200
00:08:44,365 --> 00:08:47,601
ricky: It's an
iconoclastic shop.
201
00:08:47,673 --> 00:08:49,741
They found things from churches--
202
00:08:49,799 --> 00:08:54,169
Nearly all russian 16th-century
pieces onwards.
203
00:08:54,255 --> 00:08:58,625
These beautiful carvings,
paintings and statues.
204
00:08:58,709 --> 00:09:01,110
I went, "oh, it's beautiful.
" as I was looking around,
205
00:09:01,173 --> 00:09:03,407
I heard karl sidle up to
the bloke and go,
206
00:09:03,469 --> 00:09:05,303
"what's the newest thing
you've got here?"
207
00:09:05,358 --> 00:09:08,160
yeah. Sur that's his first thought.
208
00:09:08,227 --> 00:09:10,562
I mean, that I the wrong
question to ask of a man
209
00:09:10,623 --> 00:09:12,925
Who's clearl in antiques... - Yes.
210
00:09:12,986 --> 00:09:16,455
...Proud of the fact he's got
16th-century iconoclastic russian stuff,
211
00:09:16,530 --> 00:09:18,831
To ask "what's the newest
thing you've got here?"
212
00:09:18,892 --> 00:09:20,126
What sort of question is that?
213
00:09:20,175 --> 00:09:22,043
"oh, I don't know.
Probably the doorbell.
214
00:09:22,099 --> 00:09:24,300
I don't know.
What-- what-- my shirt."
215
00:09:24,360 --> 00:09:25,827
- What were you thinking?
- What were you looking for?
216
00:09:25,879 --> 00:09:27,446
I think it's an all right question,
217
00:09:27,499 --> 00:09:30,234
'cause he was saying there's
loads of old stuff in there
218
00:09:30,300 --> 00:09:31,901
And he kept going on
about the old stuff.
219
00:09:31,954 --> 00:09:34,656
So I was just saying "what'the
newest thing you've got?"
220
00:09:34,721 --> 00:09:37,823
What was the newest thing? - Do you
know the other question he asked him?
221
00:09:37,894 --> 00:09:40,829
He said, "how often do
you get new stuff in?"
222
00:09:40,897 --> 00:09:43,732
I said to him, "why did you ask that?"
he said, "I was thinking--
223
00:09:43,800 --> 00:09:59,448
If you've got antiques and you
sell it all, what's left?"
224
00:09:59,663 --> 00:10:01,431
I've never see anything like it
225
00:10:01,486 --> 00:10:04,888
At any point in me life.
I don't think I'll ever go
226
00:10:04,962 --> 00:10:08,030
"I need some old russian wood.
" - it was brilliant!
227
00:10:08,101 --> 00:10:10,035
- No.
- Steve, it was beautiful.
228
00:10:10,091 --> 00:10:11,992
It was amazing stuff.
229
00:10:12,050 --> 00:10:16,620
It's-- there's these things
from the 16th century
230
00:10:16,707 --> 00:10:19,542
Of saints and monks,
and they're carved--
231
00:10:19,610 --> 00:10:21,878
But there's loads of it.
It's just all piled up.
232
00:10:21,938 --> 00:10:24,340
No one's interested. If I was him,
I'd go, "do you know what?
233
00:10:24,402 --> 00:10:25,936
I am into this,
but no one else is close shop.
234
00:10:27,980 --> 00:10:30,381
Seriously, it's just piled up.
Piles upon piles
235
00:10:30,444 --> 00:10:32,845
Of old bits of wood with
pictures on it and that.
236
00:10:32,907 --> 00:10:35,509
But just think of a
man 400 years ago
237
00:10:35,573 --> 00:10:38,142
That carved this-
that carved this--
238
00:10:38,206 --> 00:10:39,540
No, but nobody wants I do they?
239
00:10:39,590 --> 00:10:41,524
I've never heard of anyone say,
240
00:10:41,582 --> 00:10:43,516
"look, it's me birthday coming up.
I'll tell you what I'd love."
241
00:10:43,572 --> 00:10:45,240
"what?" "a bit of old
russian wood."
242
00:10:45,294 --> 00:10:47,895
- - it doesn't-
- it doesn't happen.
243
00:10:47,960 --> 00:10:50,161
That's what I'm saying.
I've never heard anyone say--
244
00:10:50,221 --> 00:10:52,523
I've never overheard someone say,
"you don't know where
245
00:10:52,584 --> 00:10:54,919
The russian shop I do you?"
246
00:10:54,980 --> 00:10:56,981
And this is in london
where the rates are high.
247
00:10:57,039 --> 00:11:00,242
There was this thing, steve,
with them old drawings on--
248
00:11:00,313 --> 00:11:02,548
It was a panel from a church
that someone had pateind.
249
00:11:02,608 --> 00:11:07,011
Yeah, right. - I think
was from 1590 or somethg.
250
00:11:07,097 --> 00:11:11,000
And it was a picture of
this saint, wasn't it?
251
00:11:11,079 --> 00:11:13,647
He said 1590. It could
bfre any time, really.
252
00:11:14,218 --> 00:11:16,519
So there's this one there,
leaning up against the wall--
253
00:11:16,580 --> 00:11:20,283
Most of them in there was
that stalin bloke, right?
254
00:11:20,360 --> 00:11:22,828
But there as this-- - right,
can I stop you there lenin.
255
00:11:22,892 --> 00:11:24,593
Right. All right.
St- ephen: Okay, ahye.
256
00:11:24,647 --> 00:11:26,982
Hsoe was on all these bsit
of wood and stuff.
257
00:11:27,043 --> 00:11:28,477
But I sathw is other little face,
right?
258
00:11:28,528 --> 00:11:30,029
A little fella with a beard.
259
00:11:30,080 --> 00:11:32,748
So I said, "who's this
bloke here?"
260
00:11:32,815 --> 00:11:35,750
He said, "oh, the story there--
261
00:11:35,818 --> 00:11:39,321
It's this little fella and he got
mugged back in russia."
262
00:11:39,430 --> 00:11:41,998
this is right, isn't it?
263
00:11:42,062 --> 00:11:44,597
This is what he said. He said he got mugged.
Yeah, it's just that term.
264
00:11:44,660 --> 00:11:48,263
I love that term in a
16th-century russian wood--
265
00:11:48,339 --> 00:11:50,641
"oh no, I'm being mugged."
266
00:11:50,702 --> 00:11:52,369
- Karl: So he got mugge
- he got happy-slapped.
267
00:11:52,424 --> 00:11:54,858
And he said, "
I've had enough of this."
268
00:11:54,921 --> 00:11:57,089
And he went to live in the woods,
right? -
269
00:11:57,148 --> 00:11:59,816
Made a little shed, stayed there.
270
00:11:59,883 --> 00:12:01,817
People went to visit him.
271
00:12:01,873 --> 00:12:04,375
If you've got a problem,
you knock on his door... -
272
00:12:04,438 --> 00:12:07,040
...You go "I'm sick of it," he'll say,
"yeah, I know what you mean.
273
00:12:07,105 --> 00:12:08,939
I've moved out of the city,
" and what have you.
274
00:12:08,995 --> 00:12:11,596
He'd make 'em feel better and
then they'd go again.
275
00:12:11,662 --> 00:12:15,998
Now why has that man got a plaque?
276
00:12:16,083 --> 00:12:18,517
a plaque.
277
00:12:18,580 --> 00:12:21,148
If he was around now,
there's no way he would have
278
00:12:21,212 --> 00:12:22,947
A bit of wood with his face on it,
is what I'm saying.
279
00:12:23,002 --> 00:12:26,538
If someone got fed up with living in london,
new york or whatever,
280
00:12:26,613 --> 00:12:28,814
And they go, "I'm gonna go
live in the woods,"
281
00:12:28,874 --> 00:12:30,674
People wouldn't visit
him and he wouldn't get
282
00:12:30,730 --> 00:12:32,431
A piece of wood with his
facone it is what I'm saying.
283
00:12:32,485 --> 00:12:34,920
but this man was
selling it for about--
284
00:12:34,983 --> 00:12:37,284
I think it was about 750 quid
for this bloke's head.
285
00:12:37,346 --> 00:12:39,714
But the chances are that this is
286
00:12:39,775 --> 00:12:41,976
Either a well-know russian folktale
287
00:12:42,037 --> 00:12:43,938
Or it may even b a piece of
classic russian literature.
288
00:12:43,994 --> 00:12:46,462
He's a saint. He was a saint.
He was canonized.
289
00:12:46,525 --> 00:12:48,460
Yeah, but everybody
wa a saint years ago.
290
00:12:48,517 --> 00:12:50,351
That seems to be thrown about,
doesn't it?
291
00:12:50,407 --> 00:12:52,274
Who is a saint now?
Name me one now.
292
00:12:52,331 --> 00:12:54,031
You have this fella who
lived in the woods in a hut.
293
00:12:54,086 --> 00:12:55,653
Oh, yeah, that's saint
john or whatever.
294
00:12:55,706 --> 00:12:57,574
he's not a saint.
He's done nothing.
295
00:12:57,629 --> 00:13:00,097
If anything, he's said
"I can't be bothered
296
00:13:00,161 --> 00:13:01,661
With living in the city
with everyone else.
297
00:13:01,713 --> 00:13:04,515
I can't put up with it.
I'm gonna live in the woods."
298
00:13:04,583 --> 00:13:06,750
Well, if you can't put up with it,
you're not good enough, are you?
299
00:13:06,810 --> 00:13:08,878
You've got no stamina.
300
00:13:08,936 --> 00:13:11,104
And yet he gets a plague,
is what I'm saying.
301
00:13:11,163 --> 00:13:13,331
- It's annoying.
- Who would you like to see
302
00:13:13,391 --> 00:13:15,459
Get a plag in the modern world?
303
00:13:15,517 --> 00:13:17,952
Who deserves a plague
in your opinion?
304
00:13:18,015 --> 00:13:21,183
Probably nurses and that,
who do a lot of bad things
305
00:13:21,255 --> 00:13:23,990
That I think I couldn't do,
like carrying lungs about and all that.
306
00:13:25,575 --> 00:13:27,776
No, but I couldn't do-
do you know what I mean?
307
00:13:27,836 --> 00:13:29,904
That's one job that--
308
00:13:29,962 --> 00:13:31,930
Me mum wanted me to be a doctor.
309
00:13:31,987 --> 00:13:33,988
wow.
310
00:13:34,047 --> 00:13:35,981
- What was she thinking?
- Wow.
311
00:13:36,037 --> 00:13:38,305
Oh, what's her
expectations like now?
312
00:13:38,367 --> 00:13:39,700
Oh, this apple didn't
fa far from the tree.
313
00:13:39,751 --> 00:13:41,952
Oh, when did she sta
giving up that dream?
314
00:13:42,011 --> 00:13:43,612
At what age did she start going
315
00:13:43,665 --> 00:13:45,466
"karl, you don't need to study
your books anymore.
316
00:13:45,521 --> 00:13:47,255
Go and play with the worms
in the garden."
317
00:13:47,311 --> 00:13:49,112
When did she let you
off of that dream?
318
00:13:49,167 --> 00:13:51,301
Was that the day she caught you
with a spoon up your nose?
319
00:13:58,347 --> 00:14:00,381
Anyway, talking about
emails and that, right?
320
00:14:00,439 --> 00:14:04,643
Nick, who's emailed from
australia-- melbourne--
321
00:14:04,726 --> 00:14:07,127
He's been going on
322
00:14:07,190 --> 00:14:09,458
About dolphins and that-
problems with dolphins.
323
00:14:09,518 --> 00:14:12,687
- What problems?
- He's just saying
324
00:14:12,758 --> 00:14:14,926
That when that wind happened--
325
00:14:16,977 --> 00:14:19,512
It was a bad wind thing going on.
326
00:14:19,576 --> 00:14:22,078
Hold on, wait a minute.
What bad wind?
327
00:14:22,141 --> 00:14:25,977
- Um, in america. They had that-
- - hurricane katrina?
328
00:14:26,056 --> 00:14:29,124
Yeah, and there was a little
bay with dolphins in it
329
00:14:29,195 --> 00:14:30,962
With guns on them and stuff.
330
00:14:31,018 --> 00:14:33,686
- Whoa whoa whoa whoa.
- They use dolphins, don't they?
331
00:14:33,751 --> 00:14:35,319
They say they're intelligent
animals and stuff.
332
00:14:35,371 --> 00:14:38,273
- Yeah.
- They've t them all--
333
00:14:38,341 --> 00:14:42,177
They've all had the training.
They're all adrey for battle.
334
00:14:42,257 --> 00:14:44,024
- Ricky: Righ t.
- They've got rifles on 'em.
335
00:14:44,080 --> 00:14:46,081
- What do you mean, rifles?
- Karl: They've got weapons.
336
00:14:46,138 --> 00:14:48,339
- How can they hold the rifle?
- No, it's sort of on a strap
337
00:14:48,399 --> 00:14:50,768
- What do you mean it's aon strap?
- I don't know what
338
00:14:50,863 --> 00:14:52,731
They kit 'em out with,
but they're just ready for war.
339
00:14:52,787 --> 00:14:54,855
wh aatre you talki about?!
340
00:14:54,913 --> 00:14:56,747
That isn't the point. Don't worry about it.
Oh, we'll leave that one.
341
00:14:56,803 --> 00:14:59,071
- That's not the point.
- Karl: So they're swimming about--
342
00:14:59,132 --> 00:15:01,500
Rick yeah, with rifles and berets.
343
00:15:01,561 --> 00:15:04,096
Whatever they've got on-
ready for battle and stuff.
344
00:15:04,161 --> 00:15:06,562
- Ricky: Ready for battle.
- Karl: The ndwi comes in...
345
00:15:06,624 --> 00:15:09,093
- Ricky: Hurricane katrina.
- ...Makes a wave and that.
346
00:15:09,156 --> 00:15:12,825
- They get out of the little bay...
- Ricky: Yeah.
347
00:15:12,902 --> 00:15:14,936
...Still all kitted out
with all the weapons.
348
00:15:14,994 --> 00:15:16,862
You're talking bollocks.
349
00:15:16,918 --> 00:15:19,820
- Steve, do you want to look at the email?
- Well, there is no way
350
00:15:19,889 --> 00:15:22,423
There's loads of dolphins
now swimming around
351
00:15:22,487 --> 00:15:25,055
Kitted out with guns
and that with a strap.
352
00:15:25,119 --> 00:15:27,487
How could a dolphin hold a--
353
00:15:27,550 --> 00:15:29,517
Again, youe 'vbeen watching "
planet of the apes."
354
00:15:29,575 --> 00:15:32,110
"oh, he's trying to talk to us.
" -
355
00:15:32,174 --> 00:15:35,143
"what's he saying?" "he's saying,
'go ahead, punk. Make my day.'
356
00:15:35,211 --> 00:15:37,412
- You're talking shit.
- It's just news to say
357
00:15:37,473 --> 00:15:40,408
If you see a dolphin, don't go
358
00:15:40,476 --> 00:15:42,711
"oh, it's friendly," 'cause
there's some with weapons now.
359
00:15:45,404 --> 00:15:47,138
I'm just reading out an email.
360
00:15:47,193 --> 00:15:49,995
That's-- that'll cover it and that,
so-- - bollocks.
361
00:15:52,424 --> 00:15:55,459
Karl, can we have some
monkey news before I die?
362
00:15:55,529 --> 00:15:58,531
- All right.
- Oh, chimpanzee that.
363
00:15:58,600 --> 00:16:00,568
Monkey news, you...
364
00:16:02,211 --> 00:16:04,646
This monkey thatas w
knocking about called ollie,
365
00:16:04,710 --> 00:16:07,078
It was in this zoo...
366
00:16:07,139 --> 00:16:10,241
...And it was the only monke
in there, right?
367
00:16:10,312 --> 00:16:13,081
It was getting a bit lonely,
368
00:16:13,147 --> 00:16:15,215
'cause it was sharing its ti
369
00:16:15,273 --> 00:16:17,241
With an elephant and a giraffe.
370
00:16:17,298 --> 00:16:19,166
- No, that's doesn't happen.
- They didn't really get on--
371
00:16:19,222 --> 00:16:21,223
No no, whoa whoa whoa.
No, wait wait wait wait.
372
00:16:21,281 --> 00:16:22,748
- They do not--
- let me just tell you--
373
00:16:22,800 --> 00:16:24,768
- They do not put chimpanzees in with-
- - but let me tell you--
374
00:16:24,825 --> 00:16:27,794
But it's not true.
375
00:16:27,862 --> 00:16:29,796
Gervais,it was some
kind of flat shar
376
00:16:29,854 --> 00:16:31,788
They put out for I in the
student union--
377
00:16:31,845 --> 00:16:33,846
You know, "we've got two
rooms to let."
378
00:16:33,904 --> 00:16:36,305
"african mammal wanted,
non-specific."
379
00:16:36,367 --> 00:16:37,968
- A mammoth and a--
- what I'm saying is
380
00:16:38,021 --> 00:16:39,689
There were other elephants for
elephants to knock about with,
381
00:16:39,742 --> 00:16:42,277
And not the monkey.
It was the only one there.
382
00:16:42,341 --> 00:16:44,142
So what happened is the
zookeeper...
383
00:16:44,198 --> 00:16:46,132
Right. -... Felt a bit
sorry for him.
384
00:16:46,189 --> 00:16:48,324
He started to get pally with him.
385
00:16:48,383 --> 00:16:51,118
So at lunchtime when the
zookeeper sat on the wall,
386
00:16:51,184 --> 00:16:53,319
Having his ham butty or whatever,
387
00:16:53,377 --> 00:16:54,911
He started going,
"are you all right? Yeah?"
388
00:16:54,964 --> 00:16:57,466
And it used to come over
closer and closer.
389
00:16:57,529 --> 00:16:59,630
- Ricky: Yeah.
- Karl: Anyway, within a month
390
00:16:59,689 --> 00:17:01,723
He was sitting on the wa having
his lunch with him.
391
00:17:01,782 --> 00:17:04,750
Untrue. Go on. - So he sat
there and as time goes on,
392
00:17:04,820 --> 00:17:07,354
He sort of sat with
hi most of the y.
393
00:17:07,418 --> 00:17:09,652
The monkey's walking around with him,
helping him feed the other animals.
394
00:17:09,713 --> 00:17:12,781
- Ricky: No.
- Karl: But then the zookeeper,
395
00:17:12,852 --> 00:17:15,487
At the end of the night when
he's locking up and stuff,
396
00:17:15,552 --> 00:17:19,822
He'd feel bad because he'd
be leaving the zoo
397
00:17:19,905 --> 00:17:22,574
And ollie sat ther he's like,
"I'll see you tomorrow."
398
00:17:22,639 --> 00:17:25,007
The monkey's like, "yeah, all right.
See you later."
399
00:17:25,070 --> 00:17:27,104
He's looking all fed up,
because he got a home to go to
400
00:17:27,162 --> 00:17:30,131
And he's still stuck in his ways,
working every day.
401
00:17:30,199 --> 00:17:32,400
He's never going home, right?
402
00:17:32,461 --> 00:17:35,263
No, he's sleeping at work,
the monkey. - So anyway,
403
00:17:35,330 --> 00:17:37,164
The zookeeper goes home and
says to his wife,
404
00:17:37,220 --> 00:17:39,955
"look. Ollie's having a bit of
a time at the moment."
405
00:17:40,021 --> 00:17:41,622
She said, "oh yeah?
What's going on?"
406
00:17:41,675 --> 00:17:44,277
"well, he's looking a bit fed up.
407
00:17:44,341 --> 00:17:47,576
He's sick of it. " she said,
"bring him home."
408
00:17:47,649 --> 00:17:49,917
It didn't happen.
This is in your head.
409
00:17:49,977 --> 00:17:51,578
So she said, "yeah,
bring him home tonight."
410
00:17:51,631 --> 00:17:54,133
So he's looking forward
to going into work.
411
00:17:54,196 --> 00:17:56,230
He sees ollie, he doesn't
tell him straightaway.
412
00:17:56,289 --> 00:17:59,691
( laughs like it's a surprise! - It's a
surprise for him later. - ( laughs like it's a surprise! - It's a surprise for him
413
00:17:59,765 --> 00:18:01,766
- Karl: He gets to the end of the day...
- Ricky: Yeah.
414
00:18:01,824 --> 00:18:03,791
...And he's like, "get your coat.
" he's like, "what?"
415
00:18:03,849 --> 00:18:05,516
Coat? What do you mean,
"get your coat"?
416
00:18:05,571 --> 00:18:07,438
No no, whatever the
equivalent is, all right?
417
00:18:07,494 --> 00:18:09,729
Whatever you say to a monkey.
It was kind of like
418
00:18:09,789 --> 00:18:11,390
A you're-coming-with-me
sort of thing.
419
00:18:11,443 --> 00:18:13,111
Right. - Karl: So he's going,
"oh, brilliant."
420
00:18:13,164 --> 00:18:15,465
No he's not!What do you mean,
"he's going 'brilliant'"?
421
00:18:15,527 --> 00:18:18,962
He takes it home - stephen:
So he gets his hat and coat--
422
00:18:20,454 --> 00:18:22,255
He goes back to the
zookeeper's house.
423
00:18:22,310 --> 00:18:25,312
Everything's going well for about
a week and a half, ght?
424
00:18:25,382 --> 00:18:27,783
Treating him really well. He sat there.
He's having a brandy at night
425
00:18:27,846 --> 00:18:30,013
Before he goes to bed.
426
00:18:30,074 --> 00:18:32,008
So he said to his wife,
"you're at home all day."
427
00:18:32,064 --> 00:18:35,100
Oh, jesus. - "I'll go to work.
I'll leave it with you."
428
00:18:35,170 --> 00:18:37,872
All right? So ollie stays at home.
429
00:18:37,937 --> 00:18:41,673
- Ricky: Yeah.
- Anyway, as time goes on,
430
00:18:41,751 --> 00:18:45,253
A little bit of trouble while
the fella's busy... -
431
00:18:45,328 --> 00:18:47,530
...At work, he starts getting
a little bit cheeky.
432
00:18:47,590 --> 00:18:50,158
- He tries it on with the missus.
- Whoa!
433
00:18:50,223 --> 00:18:53,158
Right. - How does the monkey
try it on with the missus?
434
00:18:53,226 --> 00:18:55,327
- You're talking shit.
- This is classic monkey news.
435
00:18:55,387 --> 00:18:57,188
How does he try it
on with the missus?
436
00:18:57,243 --> 00:19:12,424
So he's a bit drunk.
He stinks of smoke.
437
00:19:12,633 --> 00:19:15,902
The monkey did play. Did the zookeeper's
wife reciprocate these affections?
438
00:19:15,974 --> 00:19:17,575
She probably went along
with it at first.
439
00:19:17,628 --> 00:19:19,262
She's cooking at home,
getting the tea ready
440
00:19:19,316 --> 00:19:21,650
And he walks past,
pinching her ass or whatever.
441
00:19:21,712 --> 00:19:23,312
do you know what I mean?
442
00:19:23,366 --> 00:19:26,501
Just like with humans,
it starts off as a bit of fun.
443
00:19:26,572 --> 00:19:28,673
Before you know it,
split up in the end,
444
00:19:28,732 --> 00:19:31,200
The zookeeper and the what's-it,
445
00:19:31,264 --> 00:19:33,431
And the monkey stayed
with the woman.
446
00:19:35,786 --> 00:19:39,989
It's all there. - Honestly,
the fa-- your imagination.
447
00:19:40,072 --> 00:19:41,539
- Well, look it up.
- You should write stories.
448
00:19:41,591 --> 00:19:43,692
- You should write.
- Get people to look it up.
449
00:19:43,751 --> 00:19:46,520
Just put in "monkey chimp ollie."
450
00:19:46,586 --> 00:19:48,320
And it's all there.
451
00:19:48,370 --> 00:19:52,920
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