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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:17,600 --> 00:00:20,035 For the past few years ricky gervais, 2 00:00:20,097 --> 00:00:22,766 Stephen merchant, and karl pilkingn 3 00:00:22,832 --> 00:00:24,800 Have been meeting regularly 4 00:00:24,857 --> 00:00:27,259 For a series of pointless conversations. 5 00:00:27,321 --> 00:00:29,222 This is one of them. 6 00:00:29,278 --> 00:00:31,025 - Testing. - Is that all right? 7 00:00:50,608 --> 00:00:53,043 Um, I got a text from karl yesterday, steve. 8 00:00:53,106 --> 00:00:56,875 A text from karl, yeah. - Yeah. I'll just read it to you. 9 00:00:56,953 --> 00:01:02,091 Okay. "see you tomoz for a face rub at 6:30 then. 10 00:01:02,184 --> 00:01:04,586 No bum tubes though." 11 00:01:04,648 --> 00:01:06,682 So I was intrigued. I called karl and said, 12 00:01:06,741 --> 00:01:08,808 "I think you just sent me a text by mistake." 13 00:01:08,867 --> 00:01:10,467 What's the explanati of that? 14 00:01:10,521 --> 00:01:12,622 Me mate, right, russell, 15 00:01:12,681 --> 00:01:16,184 He just said, you know, "there's things that go on in life 16 00:01:16,258 --> 00:01:18,226 That you need to experience. " - ricky: Yeah? 17 00:01:18,283 --> 00:01:19,984 He said, "just pop along." 18 00:01:20,038 --> 00:01:22,173 - I didn't say yes strai. - What's a face rub? 19 00:01:22,232 --> 00:01:23,999 You mean a facial? Where you lay down-- 20 00:01:24,055 --> 00:01:26,957 - You just clean your face with a- - - yeah, so you're gonna go 21 00:01:27,025 --> 00:01:28,726 Lie down with another man and have your face fiddled with. 22 00:01:28,780 --> 00:01:30,481 Well, no, this is what I was saying to him. 23 00:01:30,535 --> 00:01:32,636 There was a couple of questions- I didn't just say yes straightaway. 24 00:01:32,695 --> 00:01:34,729 I questioned it. I said, "I'm not that happy with this. 25 00:01:34,787 --> 00:01:37,189 There's nothing weird going on here, is there? 26 00:01:37,251 --> 00:01:40,253 It's not a house. It's a proper clinic and that?" 27 00:01:40,323 --> 00:01:42,757 He said, "yeah, it's proper. You wear a dressing gown 28 00:01:42,821 --> 00:01:44,922 I said, "I'm not that"-- - so he's already got you in the dressing gown? 29 00:01:44,980 --> 00:01:47,181 Yeah, well, I haven't agreed to that. Today I've worn a little, 30 00:01:47,242 --> 00:01:50,377 Round polo-neck jumper so I don't have to take it off. 31 00:01:50,448 --> 00:01:52,949 It's not gonna get in the way of me face. 32 00:01:53,012 --> 00:01:54,847 I made sure I didn't wear a shirt with a collar. 33 00:01:54,903 --> 00:01:58,005 I'm not taking this off. They can put the dressing gown on top of this. 34 00:01:58,075 --> 00:01:59,910 Right. - I don't know if there's a woman 35 00:01:59,966 --> 00:02:02,100 Who rubs me head. I don't know if it's a bloke. 36 00:02:02,160 --> 00:02:04,328 Well, the thing is you get extra for your face rub 37 00:02:04,387 --> 00:02:06,488 'cause your face goes all the way back over 38 00:02:06,546 --> 00:02:08,547 The top of your head to the back of your neck. 39 00:02:08,606 --> 00:02:10,373 You've got a big face, haven't you? 40 00:02:10,429 --> 00:02:13,297 All I was saying to him is "I'll have the face rub," 41 00:02:13,364 --> 00:02:15,833 But I don't know if once you're in there 42 00:02:15,896 --> 00:02:18,765 They try to sell you the old-- 43 00:02:18,832 --> 00:02:20,800 - The old...? - --The bum tube thing. 44 00:02:20,857 --> 00:02:23,292 What's the bum tube? Is that a euphemism? 45 00:02:23,355 --> 00:02:25,823 - What are you talking about? - The thing where they pop a tube in, 46 00:02:25,886 --> 00:02:28,220 Put coffee in your belly and it cleans you out and that. 47 00:02:28,283 --> 00:02:30,384 An enema? Why would you have that? 48 00:02:30,442 --> 00:02:32,310 I don't-- I'm not-- I don't want it. I don't think-- 49 00:02:32,366 --> 00:02:36,302 Why no - I think I've said to you before about 50 00:02:36,383 --> 00:02:38,517 You know, you don't need to be that clean inside. 51 00:02:38,576 --> 00:02:40,377 I don't mind washing me face. 52 00:02:40,433 --> 00:02:43,234 What occasion do you need where you're cleaned out? 53 00:02:44,246 --> 00:02:45,646 Do you know what I mean? 54 00:02:45,698 --> 00:02:47,832 It's always a clear tube and that 55 00:02:47,892 --> 00:02:49,926 And you see all this stuff whizzing past. I don't understand why it's clear. 56 00:02:49,984 --> 00:02:52,152 I don't know why you've got to see what's coming out of you. 57 00:02:52,212 --> 00:02:56,081 I guess like "the generation game, " making notes of what's whizzing past. 58 00:02:56,160 --> 00:02:58,362 Forget it. 59 00:03:00,514 --> 00:03:02,615 I was watching some different tv, 60 00:03:02,674 --> 00:03:04,809 Saw an amazing documentary- it was called "tribes." 61 00:03:04,868 --> 00:03:07,536 This guy, he goes and lives with different tribes around the world-- 62 00:03:07,602 --> 00:03:09,770 These small, little indigenous people. 63 00:03:09,829 --> 00:03:12,063 There was one- heen wt to papua, new guinea 64 00:03:12,124 --> 00:03:13,724 In indonesia right, karl? 65 00:03:13,778 --> 00:03:16,513 He lived wit the kombai tribe, all right? 66 00:03:16,579 --> 00:03:19,615 Now this papua, new guinea, is an extraordinary place, 67 00:03:19,684 --> 00:03:21,518 Because it is one of the only places left on earth 68 00:03:21,575 --> 00:03:22,875 That hasn't been fully explored. 69 00:03:22,924 --> 00:03:26,460 There are parts of it- it's just blank on the map, 70 00:03:26,535 --> 00:03:28,637 'cause they've never explored that. They don't know what's there. 71 00:03:28,696 --> 00:03:30,030 They don't know what's going on. 72 00:03:30,080 --> 00:03:32,415 So fstirly, that must already fakre you out. 73 00:03:32,476 --> 00:03:34,377 Image inthat. 21st century-- 74 00:03:34,433 --> 00:03:36,334 They have no idea what's going on down there. 75 00:03:36,391 --> 00:03:39,227 But do they edne to know if there'sot nhing going on? 76 00:03:39,294 --> 00:03:41,762 well, they-- 77 00:03:41,825 --> 00:03:43,926 They don't kw nowhat's going on. There could be stuff going on 78 00:03:43,985 --> 00:03:46,887 No, but there's no chance that they'll go, "we haven't been over there," 79 00:03:46,955 --> 00:03:49,023 Someone goes and there's an arndale centre. 80 00:03:49,081 --> 00:03:51,049 Nothing's going to be there, is it? 81 00:03:51,106 --> 00:03:52,640 Well, I'll tell you atwh is there. 82 00:03:52,693 --> 00:03:54,560 There's these various small tribes-- 83 00:03:54,616 --> 00:03:56,150 Some of these tribes are still cannibals, 84 00:03:56,203 --> 00:03:58,237 Eating people from other tribes. 85 00:03:58,295 --> 00:04:00,764 Do they know they could move on? Have they got a telly? 86 00:04:00,827 --> 00:04:04,163 Or have th seyeen a telly and gone, "I'm not up for that"? 87 00:04:04,235 --> 00:04:06,736 Or are they just- are they saying-- 88 00:04:06,801 --> 00:04:08,835 - It's not the amish. - They haven't chosen this. 89 00:04:08,893 --> 00:04:11,628 But what is the difference between the amish and these people? 90 00:04:11,694 --> 00:04:15,030 Well, the amish are a group of people that choose to live in that way. 91 00:04:15,103 --> 00:04:18,639 These people are essentially untouched by civilization. 92 00:04:18,714 --> 00:04:20,882 I mean, they do have interaction with civilization 93 00:04:20,941 --> 00:04:23,510 D people do come there, but they still live 94 00:04:23,574 --> 00:04:25,975 In this very- almost prehistoricay w. 95 00:04:26,038 --> 00:04:27,405 They did buy a telly, but there was nothing on 96 00:04:27,490 --> 00:04:29,190 Because there wasn't any broadcasters. 97 00:04:29,245 --> 00:04:31,346 - Stephen: They couldn't plug it in. - Ricky: Yeah. 98 00:04:31,404 --> 00:04:33,105 stephen: It would've been an absolute nightmare. 99 00:04:33,159 --> 00:04:36,428 There was one guy, he said his brother was dying. 100 00:04:36,501 --> 00:04:38,401 This was a couple of years ago- his brother was dying. 101 00:04:38,459 --> 00:04:40,460 He said to his dying brother, "what happened? Why are you dying?" 102 00:04:40,517 --> 00:04:42,885 This guy said, "it was a bloke in anotheril vlage." 103 00:04:42,948 --> 00:04:45,916 He goes over to the other village. He kills this other bloke. 104 00:04:45,985 --> 00:04:48,453 He eats him-- or eats bits of him. 105 00:04:48,516 --> 00:04:50,350 The other village gets annoyed. They go, "what's going on? 106 00:04:50,407 --> 00:04:53,075 Why'd you kill this bloke they were- "sorry about that." 107 00:04:53,140 --> 00:04:55,508 They said, "you ne to make it up to us. " he gave them a pig. 108 00:04:55,570 --> 00:04:57,771 they said, "a pig's not enough." 109 00:04:57,831 --> 00:05:00,600 Then he gave them five pig so five pigs apparently 110 00:05:00,666 --> 00:05:02,433 Made up for the fact that he killed one of them. 111 00:05:02,489 --> 00:05:04,456 They said "hang on what are you gonna do about this bloke's wife?" 112 00:05:04,514 --> 00:05:06,515 Why were they bartering? Why didn't they get 113 00:05:06,573 --> 00:05:08,574 The police in and say, "what's going on?" 114 00:05:08,632 --> 00:05:12,401 The police? - Yeah. Why didn't they call in kojak? 115 00:05:12,479 --> 00:05:14,013 'cause he would've sorted it out, wouldn't he? 116 00:05:14,066 --> 00:05:16,267 What I mean is they're miles away from anything, 117 00:05:16,326 --> 00:05:19,495 But it doesn't sound like a great place to live. 118 00:05:19,566 --> 00:05:22,168 Could they not mov could one of them go 119 00:05:22,233 --> 00:05:24,201 "you know what? I'm sick of this. 120 00:05:24,258 --> 00:05:27,794 I'm moving or whatever and going to a proper city"? 121 00:05:27,870 --> 00:05:31,339 How far away are these papua people... 122 00:05:31,413 --> 00:05:34,715 ...To the next-- 123 00:05:34,789 --> 00:05:37,490 To the next-- - they're like the smurfs. They' vreery like the smurfs. 124 00:05:37,589 --> 00:05:39,557 How many miles away from a place 125 00:05:39,614 --> 00:05:41,282 With a normal life going on? 126 00:05:41,336 --> 00:05:44,371 Think about this, karl. Firstly, they don't speak the language, 127 00:05:44,441 --> 00:05:46,542 So they don't have any practical skills. 128 00:05:46,601 --> 00:05:48,569 They've got no experienc of civilization. 129 00:05:48,626 --> 00:05:50,527 Even if they chose to go and live in on of these cities, 130 00:05:50,583 --> 00:05:53,385 What can they do how can they function? 131 00:05:53,453 --> 00:05:56,321 I think there's some bacteria that has better lives than that. 132 00:05:59,730 --> 00:06:01,564 That's got to be offensive. 133 00:06:01,620 --> 00:06:03,288 Why? 134 00:06:04,725 --> 00:06:06,759 Okay, butht is is one of the weirdest things-- 135 00:06:06,818 --> 00:06:08,785 This is one of the weirdesthi tngs, right? 136 00:06:08,843 --> 00:06:11,378 Sorry. 137 00:06:11,441 --> 00:06:14,476 An entire people- an entire race of people 138 00:06:14,547 --> 00:06:16,948 - He said-- - I'm not- - I'm not having a go. 139 00:06:17,010 --> 00:06:19,679 I'm just saying I wouldn't fancy it, is what I mean. 140 00:06:19,744 --> 00:06:21,979 But they don't know of another world. 141 00:06:22,039 --> 00:06:24,174 Hocow uld they imagine that they could- "I'll tell you what. 142 00:06:24,233 --> 00:06:26,234 This is boring. I'm tired of hunting for food 143 00:06:26,291 --> 00:06:27,725 And eating fish from the river. 144 00:06:27,776 --> 00:06:29,644 I'd like a world where the'ers ipods 145 00:06:29,700 --> 00:06:31,768 And room service. I'm gonna go and move to new york." 146 00:06:31,826 --> 00:06:33,861 But they're not thinking like that, are they, karl? 147 00:06:33,919 --> 00:06:35,219 'cause they don't know about this other world. 148 00:06:35,270 --> 00:06:37,137 But people go to these places on holiday now, 149 00:06:37,193 --> 00:06:38,693 They like a little bit of danger. 150 00:06:38,746 --> 00:06:40,880 They like to see how the others live. 151 00:06:40,939 --> 00:06:44,342 All I'm saying is we know they exist- the papua people. 152 00:06:44,416 --> 00:06:45,616 Maybe people aren't going there. 153 00:06:45,665 --> 00:06:47,799 It doesn't sound like the best place. 154 00:06:47,859 --> 00:06:49,960 You know, I can't imagine having a tourist board 155 00:06:50,052 --> 00:06:51,920 Or anything, right? 156 00:06:51,976 --> 00:06:54,745 But would they accept me if I popped over there 157 00:06:54,811 --> 00:06:57,079 With shoes on in papua? 158 00:06:57,139 --> 00:07:00,709 Well, this is one of the things they do, 159 00:07:00,785 --> 00:07:02,286 Which is a traditi you may have to do. 160 00:07:02,338 --> 00:07:05,373 These kombai, right, they invert their penises. 161 00:07:05,443 --> 00:07:08,111 So they push their penises back up inside their bodies. 162 00:07:08,176 --> 00:07:11,245 - Like a sock. - What for? 163 00:07:11,315 --> 00:07:13,183 - Well-- - keeps it out of the way. 164 00:07:15,095 --> 00:07:17,197 Of what? - Stephen: If you're running through the undergrowth, 165 00:07:17,255 --> 00:07:20,457 Chasing a hog, you don't want it flapping away. 166 00:07:20,529 --> 00:07:22,997 But-- - but it's also become a ceremonial thing, 167 00:07:23,027 --> 00:07:24,559 So if you were over there, you may have to try it yourself. 168 00:07:24,613 --> 00:07:25,947 But-- you will have to become try it yourself. 169 00:07:25,997 --> 00:07:27,197 If you went there, you'd have to try it yourself. 170 00:07:27,245 --> 00:07:29,280 But even caveman had little pants on. 171 00:07:29,338 --> 00:07:31,806 - Why haven't they-- - both: Whoa! 172 00:07:31,869 --> 00:07:34,070 - Slow down. - Rewind. 173 00:07:34,130 --> 00:07:36,532 What do you mean? - Okay, you've been watching "the flintstones." 174 00:07:36,594 --> 00:07:39,362 - No no no, it's just- - is it a leopard skin pair of pants? 175 00:07:39,429 --> 00:07:41,163 That's actually quite-- go on. 176 00:07:41,218 --> 00:07:43,219 But it's a well-known fact that they wore 177 00:07:43,277 --> 00:07:44,911 Bear pants or whatever. 178 00:07:45,167 --> 00:07:47,101 Bear pants? What do you mean? 179 00:07:47,158 --> 00:07:48,858 No no no no no, listen. 180 00:07:48,913 --> 00:07:51,414 You are a qualified anthropologist, 181 00:07:51,479 --> 00:07:53,079 - So what-- - I mean, 182 00:07:53,132 --> 00:07:56,134 Whenever you see 'em on footage or in a museum-- 183 00:07:56,203 --> 00:07:59,172 Foote?Ag - yeah, whenever you see that early documentary footage-- 184 00:07:59,241 --> 00:08:01,475 It's black and white, isn't it? Caveman footage. 185 00:08:03,054 --> 00:08:05,222 You always see 'em wearing a little bit of fur-- 186 00:08:05,283 --> 00:08:08,318 Furry little pants and tt. Ha so what I'm saying is 187 00:08:08,387 --> 00:08:11,856 Even though-- what year is it to these people in the woods? 188 00:08:11,931 --> 00:08:14,466 I don't know what this conversation is anymore. 189 00:08:14,530 --> 00:08:16,598 He's just clutching at straws. 190 00:08:16,656 --> 00:08:18,457 His mind-- 191 00:08:18,512 --> 00:08:21,448 It's like a fly, his mind, isn't it? - 192 00:08:21,516 --> 00:08:24,718 It's just buzzing around, trying to find a window. 193 00:08:24,790 --> 00:08:26,491 It's hitting against pieces of information 194 00:08:26,546 --> 00:08:28,980 - But they're just bouncing off. - yeah. 195 00:08:29,043 --> 00:08:31,678 - Stephen: Dazed and perplexed. - Oh, forget it then. 196 00:08:34,814 --> 00:08:36,982 I was shopping with karl before christmas 197 00:08:37,042 --> 00:08:38,976 And we went around piccadilly and st. James's-- 198 00:08:39,033 --> 00:08:41,601 Those really beautiful shops around there. 199 00:08:41,666 --> 00:08:44,301 I went in one shop. We had to ring a bell to enter. 200 00:08:44,365 --> 00:08:47,601 ricky: It's an iconoclastic shop. 201 00:08:47,673 --> 00:08:49,741 They found things from churches-- 202 00:08:49,799 --> 00:08:54,169 Nearly all russian 16th-century pieces onwards. 203 00:08:54,255 --> 00:08:58,625 These beautiful carvings, paintings and statues. 204 00:08:58,709 --> 00:09:01,110 I went, "oh, it's beautiful. " as I was looking around, 205 00:09:01,173 --> 00:09:03,407 I heard karl sidle up to the bloke and go, 206 00:09:03,469 --> 00:09:05,303 "what's the newest thing you've got here?" 207 00:09:05,358 --> 00:09:08,160 yeah. Sur that's his first thought. 208 00:09:08,227 --> 00:09:10,562 I mean, that I the wrong question to ask of a man 209 00:09:10,623 --> 00:09:12,925 Who's clearl in antiques... - Yes. 210 00:09:12,986 --> 00:09:16,455 ...Proud of the fact he's got 16th-century iconoclastic russian stuff, 211 00:09:16,530 --> 00:09:18,831 To ask "what's the newest thing you've got here?" 212 00:09:18,892 --> 00:09:20,126 What sort of question is that? 213 00:09:20,175 --> 00:09:22,043 "oh, I don't know. Probably the doorbell. 214 00:09:22,099 --> 00:09:24,300 I don't know. What-- what-- my shirt." 215 00:09:24,360 --> 00:09:25,827 - What were you thinking? - What were you looking for? 216 00:09:25,879 --> 00:09:27,446 I think it's an all right question, 217 00:09:27,499 --> 00:09:30,234 'cause he was saying there's loads of old stuff in there 218 00:09:30,300 --> 00:09:31,901 And he kept going on about the old stuff. 219 00:09:31,954 --> 00:09:34,656 So I was just saying "what'the newest thing you've got?" 220 00:09:34,721 --> 00:09:37,823 What was the newest thing? - Do you know the other question he asked him? 221 00:09:37,894 --> 00:09:40,829 He said, "how often do you get new stuff in?" 222 00:09:40,897 --> 00:09:43,732 I said to him, "why did you ask that?" he said, "I was thinking-- 223 00:09:43,800 --> 00:09:59,448 If you've got antiques and you sell it all, what's left?" 224 00:09:59,663 --> 00:10:01,431 I've never see anything like it 225 00:10:01,486 --> 00:10:04,888 At any point in me life. I don't think I'll ever go 226 00:10:04,962 --> 00:10:08,030 "I need some old russian wood. " - it was brilliant! 227 00:10:08,101 --> 00:10:10,035 - No. - Steve, it was beautiful. 228 00:10:10,091 --> 00:10:11,992 It was amazing stuff. 229 00:10:12,050 --> 00:10:16,620 It's-- there's these things from the 16th century 230 00:10:16,707 --> 00:10:19,542 Of saints and monks, and they're carved-- 231 00:10:19,610 --> 00:10:21,878 But there's loads of it. It's just all piled up. 232 00:10:21,938 --> 00:10:24,340 No one's interested. If I was him, I'd go, "do you know what? 233 00:10:24,402 --> 00:10:25,936 I am into this, but no one else is close shop. 234 00:10:27,980 --> 00:10:30,381 Seriously, it's just piled up. Piles upon piles 235 00:10:30,444 --> 00:10:32,845 Of old bits of wood with pictures on it and that. 236 00:10:32,907 --> 00:10:35,509 But just think of a man 400 years ago 237 00:10:35,573 --> 00:10:38,142 That carved this- that carved this-- 238 00:10:38,206 --> 00:10:39,540 No, but nobody wants I do they? 239 00:10:39,590 --> 00:10:41,524 I've never heard of anyone say, 240 00:10:41,582 --> 00:10:43,516 "look, it's me birthday coming up. I'll tell you what I'd love." 241 00:10:43,572 --> 00:10:45,240 "what?" "a bit of old russian wood." 242 00:10:45,294 --> 00:10:47,895 - - it doesn't- - it doesn't happen. 243 00:10:47,960 --> 00:10:50,161 That's what I'm saying. I've never heard anyone say-- 244 00:10:50,221 --> 00:10:52,523 I've never overheard someone say, "you don't know where 245 00:10:52,584 --> 00:10:54,919 The russian shop I do you?" 246 00:10:54,980 --> 00:10:56,981 And this is in london where the rates are high. 247 00:10:57,039 --> 00:11:00,242 There was this thing, steve, with them old drawings on-- 248 00:11:00,313 --> 00:11:02,548 It was a panel from a church that someone had pateind. 249 00:11:02,608 --> 00:11:07,011 Yeah, right. - I think was from 1590 or somethg. 250 00:11:07,097 --> 00:11:11,000 And it was a picture of this saint, wasn't it? 251 00:11:11,079 --> 00:11:13,647 He said 1590. It could bfre any time, really. 252 00:11:14,218 --> 00:11:16,519 So there's this one there, leaning up against the wall-- 253 00:11:16,580 --> 00:11:20,283 Most of them in there was that stalin bloke, right? 254 00:11:20,360 --> 00:11:22,828 But there as this-- - right, can I stop you there lenin. 255 00:11:22,892 --> 00:11:24,593 Right. All right. St- ephen: Okay, ahye. 256 00:11:24,647 --> 00:11:26,982 Hsoe was on all these bsit of wood and stuff. 257 00:11:27,043 --> 00:11:28,477 But I sathw is other little face, right? 258 00:11:28,528 --> 00:11:30,029 A little fella with a beard. 259 00:11:30,080 --> 00:11:32,748 So I said, "who's this bloke here?" 260 00:11:32,815 --> 00:11:35,750 He said, "oh, the story there-- 261 00:11:35,818 --> 00:11:39,321 It's this little fella and he got mugged back in russia." 262 00:11:39,430 --> 00:11:41,998 this is right, isn't it? 263 00:11:42,062 --> 00:11:44,597 This is what he said. He said he got mugged. Yeah, it's just that term. 264 00:11:44,660 --> 00:11:48,263 I love that term in a 16th-century russian wood-- 265 00:11:48,339 --> 00:11:50,641 "oh no, I'm being mugged." 266 00:11:50,702 --> 00:11:52,369 - Karl: So he got mugge - he got happy-slapped. 267 00:11:52,424 --> 00:11:54,858 And he said, " I've had enough of this." 268 00:11:54,921 --> 00:11:57,089 And he went to live in the woods, right? - 269 00:11:57,148 --> 00:11:59,816 Made a little shed, stayed there. 270 00:11:59,883 --> 00:12:01,817 People went to visit him. 271 00:12:01,873 --> 00:12:04,375 If you've got a problem, you knock on his door... - 272 00:12:04,438 --> 00:12:07,040 ...You go "I'm sick of it," he'll say, "yeah, I know what you mean. 273 00:12:07,105 --> 00:12:08,939 I've moved out of the city, " and what have you. 274 00:12:08,995 --> 00:12:11,596 He'd make 'em feel better and then they'd go again. 275 00:12:11,662 --> 00:12:15,998 Now why has that man got a plaque? 276 00:12:16,083 --> 00:12:18,517 a plaque. 277 00:12:18,580 --> 00:12:21,148 If he was around now, there's no way he would have 278 00:12:21,212 --> 00:12:22,947 A bit of wood with his face on it, is what I'm saying. 279 00:12:23,002 --> 00:12:26,538 If someone got fed up with living in london, new york or whatever, 280 00:12:26,613 --> 00:12:28,814 And they go, "I'm gonna go live in the woods," 281 00:12:28,874 --> 00:12:30,674 People wouldn't visit him and he wouldn't get 282 00:12:30,730 --> 00:12:32,431 A piece of wood with his facone it is what I'm saying. 283 00:12:32,485 --> 00:12:34,920 but this man was selling it for about-- 284 00:12:34,983 --> 00:12:37,284 I think it was about 750 quid for this bloke's head. 285 00:12:37,346 --> 00:12:39,714 But the chances are that this is 286 00:12:39,775 --> 00:12:41,976 Either a well-know russian folktale 287 00:12:42,037 --> 00:12:43,938 Or it may even b a piece of classic russian literature. 288 00:12:43,994 --> 00:12:46,462 He's a saint. He was a saint. He was canonized. 289 00:12:46,525 --> 00:12:48,460 Yeah, but everybody wa a saint years ago. 290 00:12:48,517 --> 00:12:50,351 That seems to be thrown about, doesn't it? 291 00:12:50,407 --> 00:12:52,274 Who is a saint now? Name me one now. 292 00:12:52,331 --> 00:12:54,031 You have this fella who lived in the woods in a hut. 293 00:12:54,086 --> 00:12:55,653 Oh, yeah, that's saint john or whatever. 294 00:12:55,706 --> 00:12:57,574 he's not a saint. He's done nothing. 295 00:12:57,629 --> 00:13:00,097 If anything, he's said "I can't be bothered 296 00:13:00,161 --> 00:13:01,661 With living in the city with everyone else. 297 00:13:01,713 --> 00:13:04,515 I can't put up with it. I'm gonna live in the woods." 298 00:13:04,583 --> 00:13:06,750 Well, if you can't put up with it, you're not good enough, are you? 299 00:13:06,810 --> 00:13:08,878 You've got no stamina. 300 00:13:08,936 --> 00:13:11,104 And yet he gets a plague, is what I'm saying. 301 00:13:11,163 --> 00:13:13,331 - It's annoying. - Who would you like to see 302 00:13:13,391 --> 00:13:15,459 Get a plag in the modern world? 303 00:13:15,517 --> 00:13:17,952 Who deserves a plague in your opinion? 304 00:13:18,015 --> 00:13:21,183 Probably nurses and that, who do a lot of bad things 305 00:13:21,255 --> 00:13:23,990 That I think I couldn't do, like carrying lungs about and all that. 306 00:13:25,575 --> 00:13:27,776 No, but I couldn't do- do you know what I mean? 307 00:13:27,836 --> 00:13:29,904 That's one job that-- 308 00:13:29,962 --> 00:13:31,930 Me mum wanted me to be a doctor. 309 00:13:31,987 --> 00:13:33,988 wow. 310 00:13:34,047 --> 00:13:35,981 - What was she thinking? - Wow. 311 00:13:36,037 --> 00:13:38,305 Oh, what's her expectations like now? 312 00:13:38,367 --> 00:13:39,700 Oh, this apple didn't fa far from the tree. 313 00:13:39,751 --> 00:13:41,952 Oh, when did she sta giving up that dream? 314 00:13:42,011 --> 00:13:43,612 At what age did she start going 315 00:13:43,665 --> 00:13:45,466 "karl, you don't need to study your books anymore. 316 00:13:45,521 --> 00:13:47,255 Go and play with the worms in the garden." 317 00:13:47,311 --> 00:13:49,112 When did she let you off of that dream? 318 00:13:49,167 --> 00:13:51,301 Was that the day she caught you with a spoon up your nose? 319 00:13:58,347 --> 00:14:00,381 Anyway, talking about emails and that, right? 320 00:14:00,439 --> 00:14:04,643 Nick, who's emailed from australia-- melbourne-- 321 00:14:04,726 --> 00:14:07,127 He's been going on 322 00:14:07,190 --> 00:14:09,458 About dolphins and that- problems with dolphins. 323 00:14:09,518 --> 00:14:12,687 - What problems? - He's just saying 324 00:14:12,758 --> 00:14:14,926 That when that wind happened-- 325 00:14:16,977 --> 00:14:19,512 It was a bad wind thing going on. 326 00:14:19,576 --> 00:14:22,078 Hold on, wait a minute. What bad wind? 327 00:14:22,141 --> 00:14:25,977 - Um, in america. They had that- - - hurricane katrina? 328 00:14:26,056 --> 00:14:29,124 Yeah, and there was a little bay with dolphins in it 329 00:14:29,195 --> 00:14:30,962 With guns on them and stuff. 330 00:14:31,018 --> 00:14:33,686 - Whoa whoa whoa whoa. - They use dolphins, don't they? 331 00:14:33,751 --> 00:14:35,319 They say they're intelligent animals and stuff. 332 00:14:35,371 --> 00:14:38,273 - Yeah. - They've t them all-- 333 00:14:38,341 --> 00:14:42,177 They've all had the training. They're all adrey for battle. 334 00:14:42,257 --> 00:14:44,024 - Ricky: Righ t. - They've got rifles on 'em. 335 00:14:44,080 --> 00:14:46,081 - What do you mean, rifles? - Karl: They've got weapons. 336 00:14:46,138 --> 00:14:48,339 - How can they hold the rifle? - No, it's sort of on a strap 337 00:14:48,399 --> 00:14:50,768 - What do you mean it's aon strap? - I don't know what 338 00:14:50,863 --> 00:14:52,731 They kit 'em out with, but they're just ready for war. 339 00:14:52,787 --> 00:14:54,855 wh aatre you talki about?! 340 00:14:54,913 --> 00:14:56,747 That isn't the point. Don't worry about it. Oh, we'll leave that one. 341 00:14:56,803 --> 00:14:59,071 - That's not the point. - Karl: So they're swimming about-- 342 00:14:59,132 --> 00:15:01,500 Rick yeah, with rifles and berets. 343 00:15:01,561 --> 00:15:04,096 Whatever they've got on- ready for battle and stuff. 344 00:15:04,161 --> 00:15:06,562 - Ricky: Ready for battle. - Karl: The ndwi comes in... 345 00:15:06,624 --> 00:15:09,093 - Ricky: Hurricane katrina. - ...Makes a wave and that. 346 00:15:09,156 --> 00:15:12,825 - They get out of the little bay... - Ricky: Yeah. 347 00:15:12,902 --> 00:15:14,936 ...Still all kitted out with all the weapons. 348 00:15:14,994 --> 00:15:16,862 You're talking bollocks. 349 00:15:16,918 --> 00:15:19,820 - Steve, do you want to look at the email? - Well, there is no way 350 00:15:19,889 --> 00:15:22,423 There's loads of dolphins now swimming around 351 00:15:22,487 --> 00:15:25,055 Kitted out with guns and that with a strap. 352 00:15:25,119 --> 00:15:27,487 How could a dolphin hold a-- 353 00:15:27,550 --> 00:15:29,517 Again, youe 'vbeen watching " planet of the apes." 354 00:15:29,575 --> 00:15:32,110 "oh, he's trying to talk to us. " - 355 00:15:32,174 --> 00:15:35,143 "what's he saying?" "he's saying, 'go ahead, punk. Make my day.' 356 00:15:35,211 --> 00:15:37,412 - You're talking shit. - It's just news to say 357 00:15:37,473 --> 00:15:40,408 If you see a dolphin, don't go 358 00:15:40,476 --> 00:15:42,711 "oh, it's friendly," 'cause there's some with weapons now. 359 00:15:45,404 --> 00:15:47,138 I'm just reading out an email. 360 00:15:47,193 --> 00:15:49,995 That's-- that'll cover it and that, so-- - bollocks. 361 00:15:52,424 --> 00:15:55,459 Karl, can we have some monkey news before I die? 362 00:15:55,529 --> 00:15:58,531 - All right. - Oh, chimpanzee that. 363 00:15:58,600 --> 00:16:00,568 Monkey news, you... 364 00:16:02,211 --> 00:16:04,646 This monkey thatas w knocking about called ollie, 365 00:16:04,710 --> 00:16:07,078 It was in this zoo... 366 00:16:07,139 --> 00:16:10,241 ...And it was the only monke in there, right? 367 00:16:10,312 --> 00:16:13,081 It was getting a bit lonely, 368 00:16:13,147 --> 00:16:15,215 'cause it was sharing its ti 369 00:16:15,273 --> 00:16:17,241 With an elephant and a giraffe. 370 00:16:17,298 --> 00:16:19,166 - No, that's doesn't happen. - They didn't really get on-- 371 00:16:19,222 --> 00:16:21,223 No no, whoa whoa whoa. No, wait wait wait wait. 372 00:16:21,281 --> 00:16:22,748 - They do not-- - let me just tell you-- 373 00:16:22,800 --> 00:16:24,768 - They do not put chimpanzees in with- - - but let me tell you-- 374 00:16:24,825 --> 00:16:27,794 But it's not true. 375 00:16:27,862 --> 00:16:29,796 Gervais,it was some kind of flat shar 376 00:16:29,854 --> 00:16:31,788 They put out for I in the student union-- 377 00:16:31,845 --> 00:16:33,846 You know, "we've got two rooms to let." 378 00:16:33,904 --> 00:16:36,305 "african mammal wanted, non-specific." 379 00:16:36,367 --> 00:16:37,968 - A mammoth and a-- - what I'm saying is 380 00:16:38,021 --> 00:16:39,689 There were other elephants for elephants to knock about with, 381 00:16:39,742 --> 00:16:42,277 And not the monkey. It was the only one there. 382 00:16:42,341 --> 00:16:44,142 So what happened is the zookeeper... 383 00:16:44,198 --> 00:16:46,132 Right. -... Felt a bit sorry for him. 384 00:16:46,189 --> 00:16:48,324 He started to get pally with him. 385 00:16:48,383 --> 00:16:51,118 So at lunchtime when the zookeeper sat on the wall, 386 00:16:51,184 --> 00:16:53,319 Having his ham butty or whatever, 387 00:16:53,377 --> 00:16:54,911 He started going, "are you all right? Yeah?" 388 00:16:54,964 --> 00:16:57,466 And it used to come over closer and closer. 389 00:16:57,529 --> 00:16:59,630 - Ricky: Yeah. - Karl: Anyway, within a month 390 00:16:59,689 --> 00:17:01,723 He was sitting on the wa having his lunch with him. 391 00:17:01,782 --> 00:17:04,750 Untrue. Go on. - So he sat there and as time goes on, 392 00:17:04,820 --> 00:17:07,354 He sort of sat with hi most of the y. 393 00:17:07,418 --> 00:17:09,652 The monkey's walking around with him, helping him feed the other animals. 394 00:17:09,713 --> 00:17:12,781 - Ricky: No. - Karl: But then the zookeeper, 395 00:17:12,852 --> 00:17:15,487 At the end of the night when he's locking up and stuff, 396 00:17:15,552 --> 00:17:19,822 He'd feel bad because he'd be leaving the zoo 397 00:17:19,905 --> 00:17:22,574 And ollie sat ther he's like, "I'll see you tomorrow." 398 00:17:22,639 --> 00:17:25,007 The monkey's like, "yeah, all right. See you later." 399 00:17:25,070 --> 00:17:27,104 He's looking all fed up, because he got a home to go to 400 00:17:27,162 --> 00:17:30,131 And he's still stuck in his ways, working every day. 401 00:17:30,199 --> 00:17:32,400 He's never going home, right? 402 00:17:32,461 --> 00:17:35,263 No, he's sleeping at work, the monkey. - So anyway, 403 00:17:35,330 --> 00:17:37,164 The zookeeper goes home and says to his wife, 404 00:17:37,220 --> 00:17:39,955 "look. Ollie's having a bit of a time at the moment." 405 00:17:40,021 --> 00:17:41,622 She said, "oh yeah? What's going on?" 406 00:17:41,675 --> 00:17:44,277 "well, he's looking a bit fed up. 407 00:17:44,341 --> 00:17:47,576 He's sick of it. " she said, "bring him home." 408 00:17:47,649 --> 00:17:49,917 It didn't happen. This is in your head. 409 00:17:49,977 --> 00:17:51,578 So she said, "yeah, bring him home tonight." 410 00:17:51,631 --> 00:17:54,133 So he's looking forward to going into work. 411 00:17:54,196 --> 00:17:56,230 He sees ollie, he doesn't tell him straightaway. 412 00:17:56,289 --> 00:17:59,691 ( laughs like it's a surprise! - It's a surprise for him later. - ( laughs like it's a surprise! - It's a surprise for him 413 00:17:59,765 --> 00:18:01,766 - Karl: He gets to the end of the day... - Ricky: Yeah. 414 00:18:01,824 --> 00:18:03,791 ...And he's like, "get your coat. " he's like, "what?" 415 00:18:03,849 --> 00:18:05,516 Coat? What do you mean, "get your coat"? 416 00:18:05,571 --> 00:18:07,438 No no, whatever the equivalent is, all right? 417 00:18:07,494 --> 00:18:09,729 Whatever you say to a monkey. It was kind of like 418 00:18:09,789 --> 00:18:11,390 A you're-coming-with-me sort of thing. 419 00:18:11,443 --> 00:18:13,111 Right. - Karl: So he's going, "oh, brilliant." 420 00:18:13,164 --> 00:18:15,465 No he's not!What do you mean, "he's going 'brilliant'"? 421 00:18:15,527 --> 00:18:18,962 He takes it home - stephen: So he gets his hat and coat-- 422 00:18:20,454 --> 00:18:22,255 He goes back to the zookeeper's house. 423 00:18:22,310 --> 00:18:25,312 Everything's going well for about a week and a half, ght? 424 00:18:25,382 --> 00:18:27,783 Treating him really well. He sat there. He's having a brandy at night 425 00:18:27,846 --> 00:18:30,013 Before he goes to bed. 426 00:18:30,074 --> 00:18:32,008 So he said to his wife, "you're at home all day." 427 00:18:32,064 --> 00:18:35,100 Oh, jesus. - "I'll go to work. I'll leave it with you." 428 00:18:35,170 --> 00:18:37,872 All right? So ollie stays at home. 429 00:18:37,937 --> 00:18:41,673 - Ricky: Yeah. - Anyway, as time goes on, 430 00:18:41,751 --> 00:18:45,253 A little bit of trouble while the fella's busy... - 431 00:18:45,328 --> 00:18:47,530 ...At work, he starts getting a little bit cheeky. 432 00:18:47,590 --> 00:18:50,158 - He tries it on with the missus. - Whoa! 433 00:18:50,223 --> 00:18:53,158 Right. - How does the monkey try it on with the missus? 434 00:18:53,226 --> 00:18:55,327 - You're talking shit. - This is classic monkey news. 435 00:18:55,387 --> 00:18:57,188 How does he try it on with the missus? 436 00:18:57,243 --> 00:19:12,424 So he's a bit drunk. He stinks of smoke. 437 00:19:12,633 --> 00:19:15,902 The monkey did play. Did the zookeeper's wife reciprocate these affections? 438 00:19:15,974 --> 00:19:17,575 She probably went along with it at first. 439 00:19:17,628 --> 00:19:19,262 She's cooking at home, getting the tea ready 440 00:19:19,316 --> 00:19:21,650 And he walks past, pinching her ass or whatever. 441 00:19:21,712 --> 00:19:23,312 do you know what I mean? 442 00:19:23,366 --> 00:19:26,501 Just like with humans, it starts off as a bit of fun. 443 00:19:26,572 --> 00:19:28,673 Before you know it, split up in the end, 444 00:19:28,732 --> 00:19:31,200 The zookeeper and the what's-it, 445 00:19:31,264 --> 00:19:33,431 And the monkey stayed with the woman. 446 00:19:35,786 --> 00:19:39,989 It's all there. - Honestly, the fa-- your imagination. 447 00:19:40,072 --> 00:19:41,539 - Well, look it up. - You should write stories. 448 00:19:41,591 --> 00:19:43,692 - You should write. - Get people to look it up. 449 00:19:43,751 --> 00:19:46,520 Just put in "monkey chimp ollie." 450 00:19:46,586 --> 00:19:48,320 And it's all there. 451 00:19:48,370 --> 00:19:52,920 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 39425

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