All language subtitles for The Real ONeals s02e08 The Real Christmas.eng

Kenny: When you're an
Irish-Catholic family in Chicago,

it's sort of illegal to hate the holidays.

Kenny: In fact, there wasn't
anything in the world,

that Eileen O'Neal loved
more than Christmas...

Except winning.

Stop, stop, stop!

Everybody stop.

One of you... is off.

Would the tone-deaf perpetrator
care to step forward?

No?

Okay.

I could be wrong.

Hmm.

[Intro to "Hark! The
Herald Angels Sing" plays]

You.

Here.

Start from the beginning.

[Off-key]
Hark the herald

[Squeals]

Honey...

you're making God sad.

She thought the music teacher in
"Whiplash" was the hero.

You know what, just go back to your spot.

I'll deal with you later.

[Sighs] Again!

And remember, everybody...

It's Christmas!

- Synced and corrected by VitoSilans -
-- www.Addic7ed.com --

Don't worry about these first-day kinks.

We'll get through it.

Remember, every one of you
has a very special place here.

We need to get rid of Allison.

What? No! She's my friend.

She's dead weight, Kenny.

And St. Barklay's is hosting

the Christmas Choir
Competition this year.

I, for one, am not gonna lose to
those Episcopalians again.

As much as I love Allison, I don't
want want her messing up my solo.

Jodi: Are you two kidding me?

That is not the spirit of Christmas.

Please let me take Allison under my wing.

[Piano plays]

I had a piano teacher.

She disappeared.

Yeah. Wish me luck.

Hey, Mom.

- I finished the Nativity.
- Oh!

I think you're really gonna like
what I did with Joseph this year.

Oh, okay, fine, I'll tell you.

I gave him a porkpie hat.

Oh, well, that's better

than the soul patch you
gave him last year.

I have a project for you.

[Bag rustles]

Oh, bro! It's a GoPro!

Thanks, Mommy.

No, I want you to do some
recon on the Episcopalians.

Their director, Sheila DeMars...

She's always one-upping us.

I want you to find out
what they're singing,

what robes they're wearing,

and if she's had any recent work done.

I'm on it.

Okay, Mom, while
I support this chicanery,

I don't think it's enough to win.

I mean, I'm competition-ready,

but the rest of this choir?

Not up to snuff... Especially
Chronic Bronchitis Bill,

who stood behind me today and
coughed bits of lung into my hair.

Don't worry, Kenny.
I'm one step ahead of you.

Part two of my plan is to recruit you

some much-deserved backup.

You're giving me my own Kelly Rowland?!

I don't know what that means, but yes!

Ethan sent me my Christmas gift early.

Oh, yeah.

You two have been getting
pretty serious, huh?

What do you think it is, a journal?

No, a really big locket.

[Gasps]

Or a watercolor of a
handsome Princess Di.

Dad, it's Suze Orman circa 1995.

Oh. So, this is a good gift?

Of course! Ethan knows me.

I have to get him something even better,

something you can't buy in a store,

something he can't get
from anyone else but me.

Just don't overdo it, sweetheart, okay?

You don't want to smother the guy.

For example, I got Gloria

a gift box from Shari's Berries.

I have the vocabulary
of a Harvard scholar...

and yet, there are no words.

- [Organ plays]
- What?

My mom is on a recon mission.

She's basically an orchestral Terminator.

[Dramatic music plays]

[Beeping]

Okay, everyone.

Uh, I'd like you to meet Brett.

Brett and his family
just moved here from Berlin,

so let's give him a great,
big St. Barklay's willkommen.

Uh, we're from Berlin,
New Jersey, actually.

Oh.

Well, that's still foreign to me.

[Light laughter]

Okay, have fun.

Hi. Kenny.

So excited to be working with you.

It's actually really hard
to meet another baritenor

who can soar over
the notes, you know?

We're rare, like four-leaf clovers.

And sociopaths.

Actually, sociopaths aren't
as rare as you might think.

Cool.

Anyway, uh, when my
mom calls for "mezzo piano,"

what she really means is "mezzo forte,"

which can be mezza-confusing.

That's really funny.
I don't get it. Who are you?

Um, my... Eileen is my mom.

You talk about your mom a lot.

Mm.

I'm so sorry about the misunderstanding.

I mean, I just completely
forgot you have diverticulitis.

Oh, it's fine. I mean, it's not
like the first thing I tell people

is my intestines can't handle small,
hard particles.

I should have listened to Shannon.

She's the expert on gifts.

She's been up in her room for hours

working on Ethan's present.

What's she getting him?

She won't tell me.

But apparently,

it's something he can't get
from anyone else but her.

[Chuckles]

What?

Last time I said that to a guy,
it meant sex.

What?! [Scoffs] No.

She's too young.

She's 15. That's old enough.

I mean, for a permit,
maybe a quincea?era.

- I lost my virginity at that age.
- You did?

Yeah, and I was a late bloomer.

But I did make up for it in college.

Not that I became a slut,
I just dated a lot of guys.

And a professor, which got weird.

I mean, I deserved the "F,"

but not the restraining order.

God, I miss her.

That is a lot of information.

Jimmy: Hey, Mom.

So, I've been practicing
with the GoPro all day.

I think I'm ready to inseminate Sheila.

I'm gonna assume you mean "infiltrate,"

and that's good.

They post their song list tonight.

I want to find out exactly what it
is they're planning for the contest.

Got it.

Wait, then what
is "artificial infiltration"?

[Sighs]

Okay, people!

Let's start with
"O Come, All Ye Faithful,"

and remember, use your core,
okay, or lip sync.

Your choice.

Just choose wisely.

- [Intro plays]
- Let's start with Kenny's solo.

-
Ooo-oo-oo-oooh

-
Ooo-oo-oo-oooh

-
Oh, come

Come on, Brett!

Brett is completely drowning me out.

He's supposed to be backup.

I don't think he can help it.

[Sighs] It is distracting.

And we do want to win, right?

More than anything.

Well, if we can't make your two
beautiful voices work together,

we have to fix it.

- [Sighs]
- Do what you got to do.

I'm glad you agree.

All right, excuse me, everybody.

Uh, slight change of plans...

From here on out, Brett...

will be our soloist.

[All gasp]

What? Where does that leave me?

Uh, you'll be our group
soloist or our groupist.

That's not a thing.

Well, it is now.

Mother, you betrayed your son...

Your only son... who sings.

Look, Brett's not my favorite
person, either.

It is amazing that that sourpuss of his

can emit such sweet sounds,

but it does and we need to win.

So... he gets the solo.

- That's not fair.
- Fine!

Then practice until
you're as good as Brett,

and I'll give you the solo back.

Okay, deal.

You know what, this is
like in "Dreamgirls" when Effie,

spurned by Curtis
for choosing Deena over her,

makes her emotional appeal to him

by telling him that she is,
in fact, not going.

Hmm.

Again, I don't know what you mean.

Yet weirdly, I do.

Mm!

[Dog barks in distance]

[Sighs]

Dad, what are you doing?

Oh, uh, nothing.

Nothing.

Um, that was your third shower today.
Is everything all right?

It's fine. I've just been
getting Ethan's gift ready.

Dad, please don't stroke out now.

- I'm in a towel. I'll never recover.
- Oh, no.

I'm fine. I'm fine.

[Clears throat, sniffs]

I just wanted to have a little...

a little talk with you
about, uh, adulthood.

So, you see, adults are big people

that grow from little people.

And, uh...

Well, it's kind of like...

you grew from these shoes.

Those are from my American Girl doll.

My feet were never that size.
I was born 11 pounds.

Yes, well... [Chuckles]

...you were always big for your age.

Well, I'll let you get back
to your preparations.

This is Agent O'Neal reporting
from enemy territory.

It looks like they're
doing some classic numbers,

possibly a medley.

[Sniffs]

Also, there's a strange scent of toast,

which the camera may or
may not be picking up.

I should have saved you a piece.

[British accent] I'm sorry,

as I'm lost because I'm from Britain.

Save it. I know who you are.

I'm just a simple chimney sweep.

I have see your photo in
the St. Barklay's bulletin.

You have ridiculous hair.

You know, I could have
your whole choir disqualified.

[Normal voice] No, don't...

Please don't do that, Sheila DeMars.

I... They've worked really hard.

I'll... I'll destroy the video,

and I'll ta... I'll take all the blame.

No, I have an even better idea.

You keep the footage,

but you have to do
something for me in return.

[Inhales sharply] Okay.

But I'm gonna need some dim lights

and for you to do your voice
like Flo from Progressive.

I don't want to have sex with you!

I mean, your father?

Maybe. [Chuckles]

Oh.

I need you to spy on your mother,

and if you blab about this to anyone,

I will have St. Barklay's blacklisted

from this competition forever.

Fine. I'll do it.

I'll inseminate my mom.

You O'Neals are a funny bunch.

Who died? [Chuckles]
Was it the guy with the cough?

I really want to give you
the business right now,

but I don't have the lung capacity.

Everyone here is fine.

Even our sickly members were on time.

I'm late?

I thought rehearsal started at 9:30.

No.

Guess I was misinformed.

- Okay.
- All right, it was me.

But I figured the only
way to make me better

was to make Brett worse.

[Coughs, wheezes]

Great job, everyone,

and I want you to rest
those voices at home.

I don't care if your loved one
passes out in front of you.

You are to make to make
that 911 call whispering.

And these are to keep your
pipes lubricated for tomorrow

when my M... mm... Choirmaster O'Neal...

[Laughs]

...gives us her final evaluations.

Jodi... tea.

Allison... tea.

Bill... tea.

Brett... double latte,
whipped cream, extra milk.

Uh, pass on the phlegm-uccino.

Isn't dairy bad for the pipes?

Is it?

I'm not as challenged mentally
as you are vertically.

What is your problem?

Me?

I'm not the one who's been
trying to undermine me

for the past week.

And what about you?

I mean, you practically rode
a Harley into the choir room

and didn't laugh at my jokes,

which are amazing and
reflect my unique world view.

And don't forget your unnatural
obsession with the limelight.

Oh, please. You love it, too.

If I'm told to stand in the front,
I stand in the front.

I can't help it if I look good there.

Okay, then what is your thing, Brett?

I mean, you must have a flaw,

otherwise you would have
gone out of your way

to make friends in a new church

as opposed to being an aloof jerk.

I mean, I'm a likeable person!
Why don't you like me?!

That's the problem, you idiot.

I do like you.

Oh.

I had no idea.

Why didn't you tell me you were gay?

Do you like avocados?

Obviously. They're good fats.

Why didn't you tell me you like avocados?

[Scoffs] Okay, yeah.

I see your point.

Don't get me wrong,
I'm not closeted or anything,

I just don't go around
announcing that I'm into dudes.

[Scoffs] Yeah, me, neither.

It's so tacky. [Chuckles]

I'm gay!

I'm gay.

I'm gay.

I'm gay.

I'm gay.

I'm gay, I'm not European.

Yeah, sometimes the moment calls for it.

I'm sorry I was so standoffish.

I was crushing on you,
and I totally overcompensated.

Well, we all have ways of
protecting ourselves, right?

Look, the only reason I joined
the choir was to meet you.

And I didn't plan on getting the solo,

and I certainly didn't intend to
come between you and your mom,

who you do talk about a lot.

- Yeah.
- So, I'll quit.

[Insincerely] What? No.

Yes.

This competition clearly
means more to you

than it does to me.

And I'd like to stick around.

So I get the solo and the guy.

It really is a Christmas miracle!

Don't get on that bus!

[Panting]

It's eight minutes away.

Dad, what are you doing here?

[Breathing heavily] I... I...

I can't let you have sex with Ethan.

I mean, sex is awesome,

and I know you probably don't
want to hear that right now...

- I don't.
- But you need to.

And look, I can't stop
you from having sex,

but I can ll you that it
will affect the rest of your life.

And if you decide to wait,

I promise you will not
regret moving too slow.

But if you go too far too fast,

you can't go back in time.

Okay, take a breath.

[Panting]

I'm not having sex with Ethan.

Oh, thank God. [Sighs]

Well, then, what are you doing?!

I'm going to his house
to give him his present.

Which is sex!

Or...

a diorama of us...

...at the Natural History Museum.

My is hero Suze Orman,
his is Wes Anderson.

So I created a milieu of us
looking at us looking at us.

And that's why he couldn't get
it from anyone else but you.

But then why all the showers?

I got glue in my hair from
making the miniatures.

So whatever you thought
I was doing... gross.

Sorry, honey.

W-Why didn't you stop me
from saying all of that?

You were on a roll.

[Scoffs]

I figured you were just
working something out.

[Scoffs]

Why would you even think that?

Oh, it was Gloria.

She told me all these crazy things

that I had to look up
in the Urban Dictionary.

You definitely are Jimmy's dad.

Jimmy.

Mom?

Whoa, what's... What's up?

I me... Wha-wha... What are...
What are you doing here?

- Why were you just filming me?
- I wasn't.

Hmm.

[British accent] I'm a chimney sweep!

Y-You're giving me collywobbles,
Dame Helen Mirren...

Ow! [Exhales sharply]

It was Sheila DeMars!

Okay, I offered her terrible things

in exchange for my silence,

but she made me film you.

By the way, you sleep with your eyes open.

I don't think that's normal.

You taped everything with the
camera facing the wrong way.

There's nothing on here

but hours and hours of your nostrils.

Oh, this is the best news ever!

- [Chuckles]
- Mm.

I am sorry I wronged you, Mom.

- Mm-hmm.
- And you are right...

Episcopalians are wily and highly sexual.

Well, you're not done with them yet.

I want you to go back to Sheila DeMars

and tell her that we are doing
"The Little Drummer Boy."

- But you're not.
- Exactly.

I want to throw her off.

Now, is there anything
else I need to know

before I lead our choir to victory?

Um...

Oh, did you hear Brett quit?

No.

No, I did not hear that.

[Door closes]

Kenny... just who I wanted to see.

Will you hold this nail for me?

I'd rather not.

You made Brett quit the choir,

and now we have zero chance of winning.

Gee, thanks for that vote of confidence.

Maybe if you believed in
me from the beginning,

none of this would have happened.

You wanted him to join
just as much as I did.

Right, but you care more about
winning than your family.

Jimmy is out there spying for you...

Sweet, sweet, simple Jimmy.

That's how low you stoop.

Oh, excuse me, you wanted
to give someone bronchitis.

You wanted to kick Allison out!

And you agreed with me!

Remember, when we were on the same page?

[Sighs]

[Sighs]

You know what, I admit it.

I don't think this contest

has brought out the best in either of us.

I know.

I'm gonna need like a month
of Confession after this.

Well, you know, I guess
we'll just get what we deserve...

A loser's plaque and a
coupon for Applebee's.

Maybe we could write another ending.

[Drum playing]

I can't believe she got an
Iraq vet to be the drummer boy.

Remember, Mom... We have a plan.

What? Why are you taking off your robe?

I can't do it. I quit.

I appreciate all your help,

but I'm just not cut out to sing.

No, you are not.

You sound like a seal
in its death throes.

However, God only said you
had to make a joyful noise.

He didn't say you had to use your mouth.

Bitchin'.

[Applause]

Good luck topping Sergeant Rodriguez.

Oh, you know what? And by the way...

He's handing out gifts to
homeless children later

dressed as Santa.

So suck on that.

I'm not threatened by
your cheap theatrics,

but it's nice to see you

and the fourth version of your face.

[Chatter]

Now for our final singers of the night.

Let's hear it for St. Barklay's.

[Cheers and applause]

[Sia's "The Greatest" plays]

[Rapping]
Hey, I am the truth

-
Fall on your knees

-
Oh, hear the angel voices

-
Free

-
Oh, don't give up, I won't give up

-
Don't give up, no, no, no

-
Don't give up, I won't give up

-
Don't give up, no, no, no

[Cheers and applause]

[Indistinct conversations]

And the winner of the 2016
Christmas Choir Competition is...

Universal Life Church.

- [Cheers and applause]
- Mm. We forgot about the gays.

[Sighs] You okay, Mom?

Are you kidding?

The Episcopalians lost.

I'm ecstatic! [Chuckles]

What about you?

I'm great.

Oh, this thing is idiot-proof.

[Scoffs] Instructions are for losers.

[Sniffs]

There's also a strange scent of toast,

which the camera may or
may not be picking up.

[Eileen snoring]

Everywhere I go, her eyes follow.

Oh, she's like a creepy painting.

What is that light in the sky?

That's too close to be a star. [Scoffs]

[Sleigh bells jingling]

Oh, my God.

It's Santa.

Santa!

Santa!!

I've been real good this year!

- Synced and corrected by VitoSilans -
-- www.Addic7ed.com --

Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0