All language subtitles for The Real ONeals s02e05 The Real Tradition.eng

[Classical music playing ]

Kevin: Thanksgiving has always been
my favorite O'Neal family holiday

because of our traditions.

Traditions like me being
Mom's little sous-chef.

[Timer dings]

Traditions like Shannon standing
guard until it's time to eat.

Ow!

Traditions like Dad
and Jimmy on the couch

wearing their lucky jerseys

- and high-fiving over everything.
- [Both cheering]

[Laughs]

And of course our dining
table lovingly set by me

with all of the wisdom and strength

of a post-prison Martha Stewart.

Oh, sorry, Kenny.

We got to put the extra leaf in

to make room for Mom and I's plus-ones.

What? You're bringing dates
to our family Thanksgiving?

- Yeah.
- And our newest tradition...

doing any [bleep] thing
we feel like, apparently.

- Why?
- Why would you invite dates?

Pat: Listen, I invited Gloria

because I knew your mother
had invited V.P. Murray.

Ugh. V.P. Murray is such a drip.

Well, that drip is a licensed
notary... and our guest.

- So you need to be nice to him.
- Fine.

I guess if the pilgrims could
share food with the Indians,

I could share food with him.

- Not what happened.
- [Door closes]

Jodi: Hello? Anyone home? Little help.

Guess who's coming to dinner!

The the cat you share
custody of with Uncle Dwayne.

That's right, your cousin, sweet,
lovable, ancient Mr. Pickles.

He goes back to Dwayne tomorrow,

but I couldn't bear to leave
him by himself on the holiday.

[Cat meows]

[Cat growling]

Is he still alive?

Barely. I got more stuff in the car.

So, you guys are bringing dates,

and there's a cat fighting
for its life in our kitchen.

That's [clears throat] cool.

That's super, super cool.

Yeah, I'm gonna need you to
continue the prep without me.

What? But we always do this together.

Yes, but V.P. Murray's having
Thanksgiving with his mother,

and I thought it might
be nice to meet the woman

who made the man that I'm seeing.

Nice? Is it nice that you're wearing
your book-club eye shadow for him?

Yeah, I see it, Mom.

I'm just meeting them for
dessert before he comes here.

And luckily, she's one
of those insane people

who has Thanksgiving
dinner at 11:00 a.m.

So I'll be home in plenty of time.

But who's gonna chiffonade
the Brussels sprouts with me?

That is a two-person job.

You'll be fine. I won't be long.

Come on, Shannon, grab your coat.

What? Shannon has to go with you?

[Chuckles] That's karma for slapping me.

See ya, wouldn't wanna be ya.

Well, you're gonna see her and be her

because you're coming, too.

Kenny.

I need your advice.

So, I went a little too far
on my last date with Gloria

with the skinny jeans.

So this time, I decided
to play it a little safer,

and I got myself a
pair of boyfriend jeans

in case, you know, she
wants me to be her boyfriend.

- It's not what that means.
- Whatever. It doesn't matter.

Can you just do me a favor and tell me,

do they make my butt look good?

I...

As far as I'm concerned,

- you don't have butt.
- [Doorbell rings]

So helpful. Really, thank you.

Hey, Kenny. Happy Thanksgiving.

Hm.

Hey, Gloria. You're early.

By like three hours. [Chuckles]

It's really nice of your family
to have me over for dinner.

If Pat hadn't asked,

I was just gonna have
another orphan Thanksgiving.

Hm, with other friends and co-workers

who don't have any family in town.

No, with other adults
whose parents are both dead.

- Fun story.
- [Door slams]

Oh, hey.

Well, hello. [Chuckles]

Happy Thanksgiving.
Gobble, gobble, gobble.

What... what are you...

- what are you doing?
- What?

What happened to the clothes
you had on like 30 seconds ago?

I just wanted to put on something
a little more comfortable.

[Sniffing]

Are you wearing cologne?

No. I just got some new soap.

Maybe that's it.

Well, your "soap" smells like cedar

with top notes of citrus and cardamom.

- Eileen.
- Hello, Clive.

Hello.

Um, thank you for agreeing to do this.

As I said, Mother's a little prickly,

but the good news is she's not
going too long between naps,

so this should be a short visit.

Just do not bring up the
cancellation of "The Mentalist."

We should be fine.

I don't think it'll be a problem.

[Southern accent] I'll
just kill her with kindness.

Oh, God, she's gone Southern.

Mom, when you go
overboard with politeness,

you sound like the genteel neighbor
in a Tennessee Williams play.

Well, I don't reckon that's true.

Ooh, I find it alluring.

I'll go get Mother.

And I'll plate the pie.

Ugh.

- This place gives me the creeps.
- I know.

Isn't it wonderful?

Wha... why are you so happy?

I hate that we have to be here.

I hate that Mom is making
us hang out with V.P. Murray.

I hate that Mom and Dad
aren't together any...

Hey! Do not spin out.

I'm here on a mission...

to find awkward childhood
photos of V.P. Murray.

I'm gonna blackmail him
into giving me free periods

and get-out-of-gym passes.

Jackpot.

Forget childhood photos.

I'm getting a strong
Norman Bates vibe here.

10 bucks says there is no mother

and V.P. Murray comes out wearing
a wig and an old-timey dress.

Oh. What a striking woman.

I'm drawn to her, and I don't know why.

- [Door opens]
- [Clive clears throat]

May I introduce my mother,
Victoria Pauline Murray.

[Scoffs] V.P. Murray's mother
is also named V.P. Murray.

- [Chuckles]
- You must be James.

You have a earnest and infectious smile

that will serve you well in life.

And you would be Shannon.

Love the glasses. Men love smart women.

You've got the world on a string.

And, um... hm-hm-hm-hm.

Clive, this woman's face reminds me...

the weatherman said there's a
cold front coming in this weekend.

and I need you to put
up the storm windows.

So much for global
warming, liberal media.

Well, it is a pleasure to make
your acquaintance, Mrs. Murray.

Oh, Clive didn't tell me
you were from a trailer.

[Normal voice] I'm not.

I'm from Chicago. Yeah.

Born and bred. Go, Cubs.

Yeah.

Beep, beep. Coming through.

Do you have to put that
here? I'm trying to cook.

Sorry, but this window
has the perfect sun spot

for Mr. Pickles to curl up in.

Plus, it has a view of the backyard.

Mr. Pickles likes to look outside.
It gives him the illusion of freedom.

Hey, have you guys ever
had sweet potato casserole?

Ooh.

Here.

These are raw sweet potatoes.

Do you know how long it
takes to cook a potato?

Yeah, that's why I'm here early.

That's good.

Another blanket, Mother? Still drafty?

No, no, no, I'm hot.

Just remove the middle one.

Well, this was delicious.

Now we need to get back
home where we belong.

Uh, we do just have a little
tradition here at Chez Murray.

Um, every year after we finish dessert,

we go around the table and
say what we're thankful for.

Oh, that's not necessary, Clive.

I'll start. Um...

I am thankful

to have two very
special women in my life.

Eileen, you are every man's dream.

Oh.

And, Mother,

you are every boy's dream.

I'm thankful for my birth father.

And I'm thankful for my school father,

who's always looking after me,

especially when my asthma acts up

and I may need to skip
gym or have a free period.

And I am thankful for Clive,

for bringing us all together.

You have a beautiful home, and
it's a pleasure to meet you.

And I'm thankful this is over.

[Sighs]

Oh, Clive, I need you
to come by tomorrow

and pull out the Christmas
decorations from the basement.

I'll be damned if the
Protestants across the street

will get their lights up before I do.

Oh, I feel the same way.

I know what you're doing.
You're trying to bond with me.

Well, it won't work.

[Sighs] Well...

- time to go.
- I'm not going anywhere.

I'm not leaving until
your mother likes me.

That could take forever.

Come on, Mom, it's Thanksgiving.

[German accent] Sit down!

She goes German when she's angry.

Mother is a very tough cookie.

Actually, more like one of those
fossilized Civil War crackers

that historians find in old barns.

Maybe we should get her to
warm up to you on another day.

Or... never.

Clive, you don't get a second
chance to make a first impression.

And my relationship with
Pat was doomed from the start

partly because his mother
and I had a bad first meeting.

What could possibly have
soured her opinion of you?

I told her I was pregnant.

Then I threw up on her.

And I'm not gonna make
that same mistake again.

I'm gonna get your mother to
like me the Eileen O'Neal way.

I'm gonna scrub and shine my way
into that cold and lifeless heart.

You think her heart is cold?

Try feeling her feet under the covers.

[Chuckles] Uh, it was one time.

- The power was out.
- Just stop.

[Crunching]

Hey, where would I find the salt?

It's literally right next to your hand.

Oh, there it is.

And how about the pepper?

It's attached to the salt.

That's clever.

Uh, do you have basil?

Why would you put
basil on a sweet pota...

Actually, yeah. Yeah, we do.

You just have to cut it.

It's just out there in the
garden. Go and help yourself.

- B.R.B.
- Okay.

Kenny.

I just had this great
idea to create a fun, cute,

little romantic moment
for me and Gloria.

What is the name of
that song from that movie

where they're cooking and they're
dancing? You know what I mean?

- I don't... I don't know, Dad.
- Yes, you do know.

It's... it's the one where
the guys are kind of...

they're doing that. And the girls are...

you know what I mean? That movie?

With the... the...
the towel and the oven.

Cher has a really nice
singing moment in "Mermaids."

No, Kenny, this is some
movie I would go see.

- Well, then...
- Shut up.

It's coming.

[Snaps fingers] "Big Chill."

- I knew I'd get it. Thanks, buddy.
- Ow.

Okay.

Looking good, guys.

You know, Shannon and
I can finish this up.

Why don't you and Jimmy
bring your mother's

Christmas decorations
up from the basement?

Oh. Come on, son.

- You can be my helper elf.
- I am not your son or your elf.

But I have been told I look like
a big Orlando Bloom, so okay.

- What do I do with this?
- Uh, just, um, toss it.

Okay.

- Doesn't fit.
- Well, we'll make it fit.

[Grunts]

Oh, you're still here.

You didn't throw away
my turkey bones, did you?

I use them for soup.

N... wouldn't dream of it.

Soup sounds fantastic.

Pull it out and reform it.

[Cellphone rings]

[Sighs]

- Hello.
- Hi. When are you coming home?

We should be at number 7
on the checklist by now,

and I'm only at number 3.

You are way behind.

- I know. It's like a zoo in here...
- [Cat grunting]

literally.

I don't even have anywhere
to put the chive butter.

Kenny, breathe.

You've watched me do this for years.

You can handle it.

But Gloria used all of my mushrooms.

How am I supposed to make mushroom
stuffing without mushrooms?

I can't do this. It's
just... it's too overwhelming.

Toughen up, Kenneth.
Don't be a stereotype.

Okay, girl. You got this.

Antonia Lofaso, Graham
Elliot, and Alex Guarnaschelli?

What are you guys doing here?

I'm, like, a huge fan of you guys.

Aw, that is very sweet, Kenny,

but you have five minutes

to create an entire Thanksgiving meal,

and your time starts now.

- Graham: Let's go.
- Right.

Guys, the only things
he has in his cabinet

are pancake mix, bamboo
shoots, and Froot Loops.

This is gonna be a total disaster.

I'm super excited.

All right, so already, he's
thinking outside of the box.

He does not have any bread crumbs,

so it's amazing to watch him
grinding up these Froot Loops

into like a panko breading.

Froot Loops obviously
don't taste like panko,

- but it's a similar mouthfeel.
- Mm-hmm.

My family's going through
a lot of changes lately.

- Um, my parents are getting a divorce.
- _

They both invited dates
to Thanksgiving dinner.

And my mom is...

[Voice breaking] She's not even here,
and we usually do this together, so...

I'm sorry.

I guess, in a way, you could
say I'm doing this for her.

Just to be clear, she's still alive.

I want to win on the
taste, not sympathy.

Bamboo shoots have the
same mouthfeel as mushrooms.

Thanks, Antonia.

Hey, there's the box with the wreaths.

Why don't you hand
that to me, and I'll...

put it on the pile going outside.

Hey, Jimmy, I know this is hard on you.

You're a sensitive soul like myself.

But if you have something to say,

I am no longer your vice principal.

I'm upset because the
thought of anyone...

getting down with my mom is unsettling.

Well, if it helps, we have
not gotten down... yet.

- We have necked.
- No, that does not help.

Is that an air hockey table?

Oh, yeah. You play?

Yeah.

You want to take it for a spin?

Maybe.

If we can make it interesting.

Sing along while we play?

No, that's... nope.

I was thinking like a bet.

How about if I beat you,

you have to stop trying to bond with me?

Well, okay. You got yourself a deal.

It's time for air hockey.

It's halftime.

Thought I'd open the wine I brought.

I just need to grab an opener.

Um...

um, can you just indicate
where it is with your eyes?

- Oh, God, no. No, no, no.
-
But I refuse to let you go

What's happening?

- Oh, Lord.
-
I don't mind

-
'Cause you mean that much to me - Hey.

- [Laughs] Hey.
-
Ain't too proud to beg

- Who's cooking?
- Oh, yes.

-
And you know it - I don't know what's happening,

- but it feels very white.
-
Please don't leave me, girl

-
Ain't too proud to beg - Oh, Kenny.

[Music stops]

Why are you even in here?

I mean, you never helped Mom cook once.

And suddenly you're wearing cologne

and... and... and you're kitchen
dancing to try to impress your date.

This is a date?

Yes?

Oh.

- Oh.
- [Cat yowling]

Mr. Pickles!

[Yowling continues]

- What was in this bowl?
- Chive butter.

Chives are poisonous to cats.

Why would you put poison
in Mr. Pickles' dining room?

Th-that's his dining room?

Yes! It goes bedroom, living
room, guest room, dining room.

It's an entertainer's layout.

Where are you going?

Oh, I was just looking for the
rest of your cleaning supplies.

- We used up all the Windex.
- Don't go in there.

Why? Is it Clive's old bedroom?

Does he have a lot of
embarrassing posters on the walls?

Oh, no, don't...

uh...

Hello.

Did you bring the cranberry sauce?

Man: 45. Still going!

- Who is this?
- Gary.

Gary is my handyman.

So, then why is Clive coming here
tomorrow to put up your storm windows?

- I'm not very handy.
- Fine.

I just use him for the man part.

We're lovers... two years.

Clive doesn't know. It would crush him.

- [Gasps]
- The secrecy keeps things exciting.

So, that's why you were rushing us
out of here and being so rude to me.

Yes to the first.

Eileen, if you really
want me to like you,

then do not tell Clive about Gary.

[Exhales]

All right, then.

But I want something in return.

You will be pleasant
to me when I see you.

You will pay me three
compliments per visit.

And once a month, we have coffee.

Two compliments, and
we'll say we had coffee.

Deal.

It all comes down to this.

One more point, and you
are out of my life forever.

Unless I score seven consecutive points,

the biggest comeback in air...

Yes! O'Neal! Whoo!

I think you're very good. I've
only ever played this with Mother.

It's been nice getting to know
you over this brief period of time.

Um, from here on in,
I'll stay out of your way.

Yeah, good.

- [Snaps fingers] Good.
- Okay.

- Best two out of three?
- You are on like "Donkey Kong."

Which is another game I have
somewhere in this basement.

Is that it over there?

Whoo!

I'm sorry Gloria didn't
know you guys were on a date.

And that I saw you dancing.

Well, listen, you were right.
I never did that stuff with Mom.

And that was because she really
took charge a lot of the time.

I guess after a while, I
just kind of stopped trying.

I get that.

Just the next time you're trying
to reinvent yourself, maybe...

maybe you don't do it
on a national holiday.

That's fair.

The tie and the cologne
are kind of nice.

Well, thank you very much.

That means a lot coming
from you because you're gay.

Okay.

Just another couple of hours while
they pump Mr. Pickles' little stomach.

But he's gonna be okay.

He didn't die on my
watch. Suck it, Dwayne!

[Chuckles]

It was really nice to meet you.

Oh, the pleasure was all mine.

- And...?
- You have nice hair, clean teeth.

We should have coffee.
That should suffice.

- I'll call you.
- Okay.

Oh, Clive. Don't forget.

Tomorrow, the storm windows,

and Saturday, I need you
to clean the roof gutters.

Oh, I can't this weekend.
I'm running a 5K for charity.

Oh.

Well, maybe I can do it myself.

Just hope I don't fall.

No, I'm a bad son.

I'll withdraw from the race
and clean your gutters instead.

A lot of those whales can
probably just save themselves.

Victoria, don't you have a handyman
who could clean your gutters for you?

No, I don't.

Are you sure?

Quite.

Your mother has a lover,

and I found him eating
turkey in the spare room.

Oh!

So you don't have night terrors.

That's just the sound
of your lovemaking.

You're right, that is unsettling.

I'm unsettled.

For two years she's been catting around

with a drifter named Gary.

I thought you wanted me to like you.

Well, I'm dating Clive, and it's
more important that he likes me

and that we build our
relationship on truth.

In the spirit of honesty,

we fished your turkey
carcass out of the trash.

So don't make soup out of
it because it's not sanitary.

- Mm, thanks for that.
- Oh, instead of changing the batteries

out of your smoke detectors next month,

I'm booking an Alaskan cruise.

Oh, and, Gary, you can
go [bleep] yourself, bro.

[Gasps] Oh.

Oh, hey, guys.

Your dad and I wanted to apologize.

Yesterday was kind of a mess.

Yes, we... Maybe
Thanksgiving isn't for dates.

- We're still new to this.
- Yeah.

No, we get it.

So, what's for Black Friday breakfast?

I have some leftover turkey and
potatoes. I could make us a hash.

I'll help.

Mm. You know what? I got this.

- Really?
- Yeah.

I can make us some
cranberry pancakes, too.

- Yes.
- Ow!

Kenny: Sometimes, when you
get rid of old traditions,

you make room for new ones.

No matter where life takes us,

we will always have
Thanksgiving dinner together

on Friday morning.

Uh, Chefs, today I have
for you a braised pork belly

with pickled radishes
and a miso and soy broth.

So, Kenny, this tastes like a good idea

that was eaten by a bad idea

and then was thrown
up by a terrible idea.

Thank you, Chef.

It's so terrible. I
mean, it makes me angry.

Like, really angry, like I
want to punch it, wrestle it,

throw it against a wall, punch it again.

- It's bad.
- Thank you, Chef.

This is overseasoned, overdone,
overcooked, and underwhelming.

Thank you, Chef. All good notes.

Um, does this mean I'm
going on to the next round?

Can you just tell me?

Kenny, you know how this goes.

We have to go to a commercial break.

Right. Cool. Cool.

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