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1
00:00:00,493 --> 00:00:03,524
Kenny: I can't believe this
night is finally here.
2
00:00:03,534 --> 00:00:07,309
This is what I've been looking
forward to since I came out.
3
00:00:07,319 --> 00:00:10,220
Everett: Good evening, ladies and
gentlemen. I'm Neil Everett..
4
00:00:10,230 --> 00:00:12,623
Welcome to the biggest
night of the year...
5
00:00:12,633 --> 00:00:17,127
All Hallow's Eve, Halloween,
The Gay Super Bowl!
6
00:00:17,196 --> 00:00:20,230
Expectations are high
that this will be...
7
00:00:20,299 --> 00:00:23,167
the biggest and best
Halloween in the history...
8
00:00:23,235 --> 00:00:24,983
of humankind.
9
00:00:24,993 --> 00:00:27,104
This is what it's been all about.
10
00:00:27,173 --> 00:00:30,139
It's a dream come true...
a night where I can totally be me
11
00:00:30,208 --> 00:00:31,140
with no judgment.
12
00:00:31,209 --> 00:00:32,141
I was born this way
13
00:00:32,210 --> 00:00:33,342
Born this way
14
00:00:33,411 --> 00:00:35,194
Ooh, there ain't no other way
15
00:00:35,204 --> 00:00:37,037
Baby, I was born this way
16
00:00:37,106 --> 00:00:39,974
Baby, I was born this way
17
00:00:40,042 --> 00:00:41,141
Born this way
18
00:00:41,210 --> 00:00:42,744
Ooh, there ain't no other way
19
00:00:42,812 --> 00:00:44,879
Baby, I was born this way
20
00:00:44,947 --> 00:00:46,046
I'm on the right track, baby
21
00:00:46,115 --> 00:00:47,982
I was born this way
22
00:00:49,118 --> 00:00:50,751
[Whistle blows]
23
00:00:50,819 --> 00:00:51,986
Oh!
24
00:00:52,054 --> 00:00:53,483
There's a flag on the gay.
25
00:00:53,885 --> 00:00:59,057
Synced and corrected by
johnyd13 ~ www.addic7ed.com ~
26
00:00:59,395 --> 00:01:03,062
Just the right amount of
curl and a subtle balayage.
27
00:01:03,131 --> 00:01:06,733
You, my friend, are going
to look perfect on me.
28
00:01:06,802 --> 00:01:09,469
Were you just talking to that wig?
29
00:01:09,538 --> 00:01:10,637
No.
30
00:01:10,706 --> 00:01:14,808
I was talking to myself, and it's
possible Paula... The wig heard me.
31
00:01:14,877 --> 00:01:16,009
Okay.
32
00:01:16,077 --> 00:01:18,077
Well, dare I ask what this is for?
33
00:01:18,146 --> 00:01:20,646
It's for my Halloween costume! Duh!
34
00:01:20,715 --> 00:01:23,482
I'm going as Beyonc? from the
Super Bowl halftime show.
35
00:01:23,551 --> 00:01:25,849
Now, I considered one of
her "Lemonade" looks,
36
00:01:25,859 --> 00:01:28,788
but I just don't want to pick
sides between her and J.
37
00:01:28,856 --> 00:01:31,157
Well, it seems like you
could've gone with something
38
00:01:31,226 --> 00:01:34,327
a little more, I don't know,
out of the box.
39
00:01:34,396 --> 00:01:36,495
You don't want me to
dress in drag, do you?
40
00:01:36,564 --> 00:01:38,764
Nope! Uh, no. No, I do not.
41
00:01:38,833 --> 00:01:41,467
Well, may I remind you that last
year, I went as Selena Gomez,
42
00:01:41,536 --> 00:01:43,101
the year before that, Taylor Swift,
43
00:01:43,170 --> 00:01:45,538
and Gaga the three years before that.
44
00:01:45,606 --> 00:01:47,306
Yes, I know that, but I...
45
00:01:47,374 --> 00:01:49,508
That was before I knew you were...
46
00:01:49,577 --> 00:01:51,376
- Gay?
- Yes, exactly.
47
00:01:51,446 --> 00:01:53,045
And back then, it just
seemed like innocent fun,
48
00:01:53,113 --> 00:01:56,114
and now, well... it... it just doesn't.
49
00:01:56,183 --> 00:02:00,118
Which is why I got you
the most amazing costume,
50
00:02:00,187 --> 00:02:02,291
and I really think you're gonna love it.
51
00:02:03,890 --> 00:02:05,057
Newsies.
52
00:02:05,125 --> 00:02:07,125
Damn it! You know I'm
obsessed with that movie!
53
00:02:07,194 --> 00:02:09,727
Remember that one Christmas
I asked for a newsstand?
54
00:02:09,796 --> 00:02:12,296
And I got you period newspapers
you can throw at people.
55
00:02:12,365 --> 00:02:14,632
Ha ha! Extree! Extree!
56
00:02:14,701 --> 00:02:17,034
Oh, wow. I look good in this hat.
57
00:02:17,103 --> 00:02:18,169
- Mm.
- Okay.
58
00:02:18,237 --> 00:02:19,546
All right, fine.
59
00:02:19,556 --> 00:02:21,990
I will wear your costume,
but only if you promise
60
00:02:22,058 --> 00:02:24,959
to stop micromanaging
my first gay Halloween.
61
00:02:24,969 --> 00:02:26,060
- Okay?
- Yeah.
62
00:02:26,129 --> 00:02:28,663
This is very important to me,
and I've been waiting for it forever.
63
00:02:28,731 --> 00:02:30,965
Fine. I'll stay out of your way...
64
00:02:31,034 --> 00:02:32,366
On the night that, statistically,
65
00:02:32,435 --> 00:02:34,402
has the most ritualistic
killings of the year.
66
00:02:34,470 --> 00:02:35,904
67
00:02:35,972 --> 00:02:37,705
So, what are you two up to tonight?
68
00:02:37,774 --> 00:02:39,540
Jimmy and I are gonna
go trick-or-treating.
69
00:02:39,609 --> 00:02:41,401
Could be my last Halloween at home,
70
00:02:41,411 --> 00:02:42,910
so I thought I'd take my little sister
71
00:02:42,978 --> 00:02:44,244
around the block one more time.
72
00:02:44,314 --> 00:02:46,393
If that sounded dirty,
I didn't mean it to.
73
00:02:46,403 --> 00:02:47,538
Okay.
74
00:02:47,548 --> 00:02:49,717
My sewing club, now unionized, B-T-W,
75
00:02:49,786 --> 00:02:52,085
made us some sweet Bonnie
and Clyde costumes.
76
00:02:52,154 --> 00:02:55,189
I'm gonna be Bonnie,
because gender is fluid nowadays.
77
00:02:55,257 --> 00:02:57,825
Well, at least you picked
historical figures.
78
00:02:57,893 --> 00:03:00,093
You know, murderers, but still...
79
00:03:00,162 --> 00:03:03,563
So, you're totally fine with
Jimmy dressing in drag?
80
00:03:03,632 --> 00:03:05,432
Yes. In his case, it's just,
81
00:03:05,500 --> 00:03:08,101
you know, "I'm silly, and check me out."
82
00:03:08,170 --> 00:03:09,569
In your case, it's...
83
00:03:09,638 --> 00:03:11,905
"I'm single. Check me out."
84
00:03:11,915 --> 00:03:13,431
[Door opens]
85
00:03:14,743 --> 00:03:18,998
Well, welcome to the
worst day of my year.
86
00:03:19,501 --> 00:03:20,900
Why?
87
00:03:20,910 --> 00:03:23,650
Because Halloween is a horrible
night to be a cop. That's why.
88
00:03:23,719 --> 00:03:25,518
Everybody's drunk and
out looking for trouble.
89
00:03:25,587 --> 00:03:27,554
Used to be only kids dressed up,
and if you're lucky,
90
00:03:27,622 --> 00:03:29,222
you get a little razor
blade in your apple
91
00:03:29,290 --> 00:03:31,590
and slice your mouth open a little bit.
92
00:03:31,659 --> 00:03:33,792
Anyway, Kenny, looks like
it's just you and me again
93
00:03:33,862 --> 00:03:36,003
handing out candy, as usual.
94
00:03:36,013 --> 00:03:39,640
Actually, I will be enjoying my holiday
95
00:03:39,650 --> 00:03:43,069
with my people at
the big parade in Boystown.
96
00:03:43,137 --> 00:03:44,737
You will be doing no such thing.
97
00:03:44,805 --> 00:03:46,631
- Dad, please.
- Mm.
98
00:03:46,641 --> 00:03:49,107
Please help me convince her.
99
00:03:49,176 --> 00:03:50,942
Oh, no, I'm sorry, Kenny.
100
00:03:51,011 --> 00:03:53,311
I agree with Mom on this one, buddy.
101
00:03:53,381 --> 00:03:54,646
It's just not safe out there.
102
00:03:54,715 --> 00:03:56,482
I mean, one minute, you think
you're drinking lemonade,
103
00:03:56,550 --> 00:03:58,550
and the next, it winds
up being Molly water,
104
00:03:58,619 --> 00:04:00,452
and you're rolling balls for six hours.
105
00:04:00,521 --> 00:04:03,722
Okay. How about this?
Why don't we have a party?
106
00:04:04,931 --> 00:04:07,158
- A party, here?
- Yes.
107
00:04:07,227 --> 00:04:10,311
- And I can invite anyone I want?
- Yes.
108
00:04:10,849 --> 00:04:12,884
Even gay people?
109
00:04:13,066 --> 00:04:14,732
Yes.
110
00:04:14,801 --> 00:04:16,870
Dad, it's not called "rolling balls."
111
00:04:16,880 --> 00:04:18,324
It's called bowling.
112
00:04:18,334 --> 00:04:20,571
113
00:04:20,640 --> 00:04:22,172
[Chuckles]
114
00:04:22,241 --> 00:04:23,441
Ah. [Chuckles]
115
00:04:23,510 --> 00:04:25,009
What do you want to do with these?
116
00:04:25,077 --> 00:04:27,111
Those aren't decorations, Pat.
They're actual cobwebs.
117
00:04:27,179 --> 00:04:28,746
No!
118
00:04:28,815 --> 00:04:29,781
[Coughs]
119
00:04:29,849 --> 00:04:31,382
What is this?
120
00:04:34,053 --> 00:04:36,120
It's a map of our neighborhood,
121
00:04:36,188 --> 00:04:39,156
with the Murphys' house circled
in skull and crossbones.
122
00:04:39,225 --> 00:04:40,991
Jimmy and Shannon aren't
going trick-or-treating.
123
00:04:41,060 --> 00:04:42,960
They're gonna go prank
the Murphys' house.
124
00:04:43,029 --> 00:04:44,861
[Sighs] Hooligans.
125
00:04:44,931 --> 00:04:47,123
Our own kids are hooligans?!
126
00:04:47,361 --> 00:04:49,499
[Sighs] Oh, I'm gonna teach
them a lesson tonight, boy.
127
00:04:49,568 --> 00:04:52,102
Yeah, I'm gonna scare them straight.
128
00:04:52,171 --> 00:04:53,804
I wish I could do that with Kenny.
129
00:04:53,872 --> 00:04:55,705
Yeah, I was a little surprised you
agreed to let him have a party here.
130
00:04:55,774 --> 00:04:57,808
- Well, it's better than the alternative.
- Well...
131
00:04:57,876 --> 00:05:00,043
Besides, he knows zero
gay kids to invite.
132
00:05:00,111 --> 00:05:01,945
Well, he does have that one
lesbian friend Allison.
133
00:05:02,013 --> 00:05:04,246
Yeah, but she's kind of a dud.
134
00:05:04,616 --> 00:05:06,115
I think I just stepped in gum.
135
00:05:06,184 --> 00:05:09,185
My party is gonna be so awesome.
136
00:05:09,254 --> 00:05:11,844
- Who's coming?
- Who's not coming?
137
00:05:11,854 --> 00:05:14,557
My mom said I can invite as
many gay kids as I want.
138
00:05:14,625 --> 00:05:18,061
But you and I are the
only gay kids at school.
139
00:05:18,129 --> 00:05:20,196
Okay, fine. So nobody's coming yet.
140
00:05:20,265 --> 00:05:23,132
But don't you worry your
plain little face, Allison,
141
00:05:23,201 --> 00:05:25,854
because we will find gay kids to invite.
142
00:05:25,864 --> 00:05:28,637
I mean, Halloween is a magical
night where anything can happen.
143
00:05:28,706 --> 00:05:30,172
Including murder.
144
00:05:30,240 --> 00:05:34,009
Yeah. Well, hopefully not,
but in any case,
145
00:05:34,078 --> 00:05:36,044
we're gonna fill my house to capacity.
146
00:05:36,113 --> 00:05:37,412
How?
147
00:05:40,250 --> 00:05:42,050
By making a deal with the devil.
148
00:05:42,119 --> 00:05:43,518
What do you want, Kenny?
149
00:05:43,587 --> 00:05:44,987
I like your costume.
150
00:05:45,055 --> 00:05:47,222
We're doing "Faust." I'm not in it.
151
00:05:47,291 --> 00:05:48,890
I'm just supporting the others who are.
152
00:05:48,959 --> 00:05:50,325
That's what it's like
at my new school...
153
00:05:50,394 --> 00:05:51,759
We support each other.
154
00:05:51,828 --> 00:05:54,363
Unlike my old school,
where you tongued my prom date.
155
00:05:54,431 --> 00:05:57,532
Stuart, that was months ago.
Haven't we moved on?
156
00:05:57,601 --> 00:06:00,401
Through dance therapy, yes, I have.
157
00:06:00,470 --> 00:06:03,170
I am having a killer
Halloween party at my house,
158
00:06:03,239 --> 00:06:05,206
and I'm willing to have you there
159
00:06:05,274 --> 00:06:08,242
if you bring along
some of your new gay friends.
160
00:06:08,311 --> 00:06:10,845
Okay, normally,
I wouldn't even consider this,
161
00:06:10,914 --> 00:06:14,015
but my house is off-limits
since the "Equus" wrap party,
162
00:06:14,083 --> 00:06:16,283
so I'm willing to grant your request.
163
00:06:16,352 --> 00:06:17,518
There's just one hitch.
164
00:06:17,586 --> 00:06:18,685
Bring it.
165
00:06:18,754 --> 00:06:21,389
I must be referred to as the host.
166
00:06:21,457 --> 00:06:22,856
[Chuckles]
167
00:06:22,925 --> 00:06:25,292
Okay. And I will be?
168
00:06:25,361 --> 00:06:27,260
The sad girl in the corner.
169
00:06:28,297 --> 00:06:30,031
[Laughter]
170
00:06:30,099 --> 00:06:33,233
Hey, maybe before we prank the
heck out of the Murphys' house,
171
00:06:33,301 --> 00:06:35,523
we should stop by a
few places for candy.
172
00:06:35,533 --> 00:06:36,775
Jimmy, I need you to focus.
173
00:06:36,785 --> 00:06:39,469
I'll throw the eggs while you fill
their mailbox with shaving cream.
174
00:06:39,537 --> 00:06:40,738
Then we run like hell.
175
00:06:40,748 --> 00:06:43,640
If anyone catches us, we keep
mum about the whole thing.
176
00:06:43,708 --> 00:06:46,009
"Mum" means quiet. It's also a flower.
177
00:06:46,078 --> 00:06:47,778
Why do you look so confused?
178
00:06:50,582 --> 00:06:52,482
Have you noticed that car following us?
179
00:06:52,550 --> 00:06:53,949
Yeah.
180
00:06:54,018 --> 00:06:56,218
What if it's a
Freddy-Krueger-type serial killer
181
00:06:56,288 --> 00:06:58,087
who chains us up in our dreams?
182
00:06:59,624 --> 00:07:01,691
We can't go to sleep.
Shannon, don't fall asleep.
183
00:07:01,760 --> 00:07:03,660
Calm down and walk faster.
184
00:07:03,728 --> 00:07:05,194
Pat: Jimmy and Shannon,
185
00:07:05,263 --> 00:07:07,196
stop walking.
186
00:07:07,265 --> 00:07:09,498
Oh, my God.
187
00:07:09,566 --> 00:07:11,867
The serial killer sounds just like Dad.
188
00:07:11,936 --> 00:07:13,035
Jimmy, it is Dad.
189
00:07:13,104 --> 00:07:14,536
That's what he wants
us to think, Shannon!
190
00:07:14,605 --> 00:07:16,005
Jimmy, it's me, Dad.
191
00:07:16,073 --> 00:07:18,334
Get in the damn car.
192
00:07:19,476 --> 00:07:21,143
Screw you, Krueger!
193
00:07:23,880 --> 00:07:25,180
Not worth it!
194
00:07:27,083 --> 00:07:29,217
Can't believe nobody's here yet.
195
00:07:29,286 --> 00:07:31,986
I really hope Stuart didn't
screw me on this one.
196
00:07:32,055 --> 00:07:33,087
[Doorbell rings]
197
00:07:33,156 --> 00:07:34,989
This is it. This is them.
198
00:07:35,058 --> 00:07:37,592
Allison, the best Halloween of our lives
199
00:07:37,661 --> 00:07:40,929
is about to start right now.
200
00:07:44,234 --> 00:07:46,434
Oh, man.
201
00:07:46,502 --> 00:07:47,435
[Door closes]
202
00:07:47,503 --> 00:07:50,538
A...pigeon whisperer?
203
00:07:50,606 --> 00:07:52,540
Stick of spearmint gum
with flies all over it.
204
00:07:52,608 --> 00:07:54,909
Um... Garbage Island.
205
00:07:54,978 --> 00:07:57,545
No! I'm Tippi Hedren from "The Birds."
206
00:07:57,613 --> 00:07:59,927
I'm trying to impress Steve
the Colorist from work.
207
00:07:59,937 --> 00:08:01,931
He and his gay buddies are
gonna go down to Boystown
208
00:08:01,941 --> 00:08:04,117
for the parade and, fingers crossed,
I'm gonna be with them.
209
00:08:04,186 --> 00:08:05,353
Oh, don't talk about the parade.
210
00:08:05,421 --> 00:08:06,487
That's where Kenny wants to go.
211
00:08:06,556 --> 00:08:08,456
Fine, but when Steve texts, I'm outtie.
212
00:08:08,524 --> 00:08:10,524
I'm checking things off my bucket list,
213
00:08:10,593 --> 00:08:12,592
and number one is me getting
my own gay entourage.
214
00:08:12,661 --> 00:08:14,561
Really? That's number one?
215
00:08:14,629 --> 00:08:16,263
[Chuckles]
216
00:08:16,332 --> 00:08:17,464
Well...
217
00:08:17,532 --> 00:08:19,799
- What are those two doing?
- Having a party.
218
00:08:20,901 --> 00:08:24,137
- But no one is here.
- Exactly. I win.
219
00:08:26,208 --> 00:08:27,374
[Doorbell rings]
220
00:08:30,044 --> 00:08:33,546
[Gasps] You came!
I mean, uh, cool, yeah.
221
00:08:33,615 --> 00:08:35,382
Um, I thought maybe you
weren't gonna make it.
222
00:08:35,450 --> 00:08:37,049
Yeah, I'm a bit late
because my extensions
223
00:08:37,118 --> 00:08:38,651
got tangled in my belly-button ring,
224
00:08:38,720 --> 00:08:39,819
which got tangled in my snake.
225
00:08:39,888 --> 00:08:42,154
Britney Troubles. [Laughs]
226
00:08:42,223 --> 00:08:46,392
Any too-hooters,
my party has officially begun!
227
00:08:46,460 --> 00:08:47,994
Yeah.
228
00:08:48,062 --> 00:08:49,962
-
Live it up, live it up - Yes!
229
00:08:50,031 --> 00:08:51,764
Hey. Welcome.
230
00:08:51,832 --> 00:08:53,065
- Hey.
- Where...
231
00:08:53,134 --> 00:08:54,369
Wh-Why?
232
00:08:54,379 --> 00:08:55,467
Oh.
233
00:08:55,536 --> 00:08:56,735
- Did I not tell you?
- No.
234
00:08:56,804 --> 00:08:58,804
Stuart transferred to
the Oscar Wilde School
235
00:08:58,873 --> 00:09:00,306
for the Performing Arts.
236
00:09:00,375 --> 00:09:03,942
This is going to be the most
amazingly gay Halloween ever!
237
00:09:04,011 --> 00:09:05,110
Yeah!
238
00:09:05,178 --> 00:09:06,978
All my ladies around the globe
239
00:09:07,047 --> 00:09:09,748
I'm just as surprised as you are.
240
00:09:09,817 --> 00:09:12,350
All my ladies, run the show
241
00:09:12,420 --> 00:09:14,319
It's me... Allison.
242
00:09:14,388 --> 00:09:16,121
Work it, love it, live it up
243
00:09:18,641 --> 00:09:21,821
This is so much better than
I could've ever imagined.
244
00:09:21,831 --> 00:09:23,673
I mean, this could be
our new crew, Allison.
245
00:09:23,683 --> 00:09:25,201
I've never had a crew before.
246
00:09:25,211 --> 00:09:27,744
Do you think that Black
Swan's checking me out?
247
00:09:27,813 --> 00:09:31,415
Totally. The tension is palpable.
248
00:09:31,484 --> 00:09:34,251
Let me know if I'm coming on too strong.
249
00:09:34,320 --> 00:09:35,852
I was wondering where the bathroom was.
250
00:09:35,921 --> 00:09:37,954
- Oh, yeah, totally. It's right...
- I'm the host. My party.
251
00:09:38,024 --> 00:09:40,090
It's my party, everyone!
252
00:09:40,159 --> 00:09:41,691
I'll tell you where the bathroom is.
253
00:09:41,760 --> 00:09:43,927
Oh, oh, oh, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na
254
00:09:43,996 --> 00:09:45,428
Where's the bathroom?
255
00:09:45,497 --> 00:09:48,965
Bye, bye, bye
256
00:09:49,034 --> 00:09:52,101
And can we please do
something about the lighting?
257
00:09:54,729 --> 00:09:56,706
I'm digging your hot-cop costume.
258
00:09:56,775 --> 00:09:58,508
I am a cop. I work here.
259
00:09:58,577 --> 00:09:59,933
Hey, Pat
260
00:09:59,943 --> 00:10:03,513
and Pat's children, who are
handcuffed for some reason.
261
00:10:03,523 --> 00:10:05,348
Gloria, it's nice to see you again.
262
00:10:05,417 --> 00:10:07,150
Especially at your place of work
263
00:10:07,218 --> 00:10:08,951
- and not on a date with my dad.
- Hey.
264
00:10:09,020 --> 00:10:10,953
Told you the cuffs were a bit much, Dad.
265
00:10:11,022 --> 00:10:13,523
Well, if you'll tell me why you
were gonna prank the Murphys,
266
00:10:13,591 --> 00:10:14,890
I'll happily take the cuffs off.
267
00:10:14,959 --> 00:10:17,392
We have to keep mum, Dad.
268
00:10:17,461 --> 00:10:19,194
"Mum". "Dad".
269
00:10:19,263 --> 00:10:21,181
[Laughs]
270
00:10:21,191 --> 00:10:23,465
I'm happy this is a joke for you.
271
00:10:23,534 --> 00:10:25,335
Listen, these two are in trouble,
272
00:10:25,345 --> 00:10:27,612
but I need to go handle this mermaid
who was just urinating in public.
273
00:10:27,681 --> 00:10:28,713
Can you watch them for a minute?
274
00:10:28,782 --> 00:10:31,156
Yeah, sure. But what are they in for?
275
00:10:31,166 --> 00:10:33,166
They're charged with possession...
276
00:10:34,294 --> 00:10:35,720
of eggs.
277
00:10:35,730 --> 00:10:36,887
278
00:10:36,957 --> 00:10:39,623
No prison can hold me.
279
00:10:39,692 --> 00:10:42,060
[Daniel Joseph Baker's
"My Inferno" plays]
280
00:10:42,252 --> 00:10:43,785
Still no text from Steve the Colorist.
281
00:10:43,853 --> 00:10:46,421
I mean, I'm the one who
introduced him to skinny mimosas.
282
00:10:46,490 --> 00:10:47,755
Does that count for nothing?
283
00:10:47,824 --> 00:10:48,923
Enough of your gay problems.
284
00:10:48,992 --> 00:10:50,458
I'm surrounded with gay
problems of my own.
285
00:10:50,468 --> 00:10:53,595
I got a houseful of boys in stilettos
putting divots in my floor,
286
00:10:53,663 --> 00:10:55,679
and all these snacks look like [bleep]
287
00:10:55,689 --> 00:10:57,164
Why would you ever
serve a whole cucumber?
288
00:10:57,166 --> 00:10:58,900
I didn't think anyone was gonna show up!
289
00:10:58,902 --> 00:11:01,390
You chop up the corn dogs and
I'll slice the cucumbers...
290
00:11:01,400 --> 00:11:03,871
I didn't think anyone was in the yard.
291
00:11:05,408 --> 00:11:06,840
Your party sucks.
292
00:11:06,909 --> 00:11:09,176
It's freezing, and the
food is cut up for babies.
293
00:11:09,245 --> 00:11:10,461
I thought it was your party.
294
00:11:10,471 --> 00:11:12,446
Well, now that it sucks, it's yours.
295
00:11:12,515 --> 00:11:14,014
And if it doesn't get any better,
296
00:11:14,083 --> 00:11:16,850
I'm taking my gays and I'm leaving.
297
00:11:18,433 --> 00:11:20,019
Extree! Extree!
298
00:11:20,029 --> 00:11:22,556
Read all about the best
Halloween party ever!
299
00:11:22,558 --> 00:11:25,792
Why it's so cold?
It's like a meat locker in here.
300
00:11:25,861 --> 00:11:27,060
And not the gay bar downtown,
The Meat Locker,
301
00:11:27,129 --> 00:11:28,528
which I actually hear is quite warm.
302
00:11:28,538 --> 00:11:29,963
I-Is it cold?
303
00:11:30,032 --> 00:11:32,099
Because I'm... I'm really sweating.
304
00:11:32,167 --> 00:11:34,901
Step away from the thermostat.
305
00:11:34,970 --> 00:11:36,937
[Gasps]
306
00:11:37,006 --> 00:11:38,972
55 degrees?
307
00:11:39,041 --> 00:11:40,540
You are trying to De-gay my party!
308
00:11:40,609 --> 00:11:42,891
I am not.
309
00:11:43,278 --> 00:11:46,306
I blended all the Popsicles into
slushies like you asked, Eileen.
310
00:11:46,316 --> 00:11:48,881
Well, I just think it's more
fun to drink a Popsicle.
311
00:11:48,950 --> 00:11:52,118
Mom, you promised that you'd be
cool with me having this party.
312
00:11:52,187 --> 00:11:54,987
And I am. I'm totally okay.
313
00:11:55,056 --> 00:11:57,489
I am so cool. I am totally cool.
314
00:11:57,558 --> 00:11:58,647
Really?
315
00:11:58,657 --> 00:12:00,960
Because if you're not, I will
gladly leave and go to the parade.
316
00:12:01,029 --> 00:12:02,094
[Gasps] I'll go with you!
317
00:12:02,163 --> 00:12:04,096
No! No one is going anywhere.
318
00:12:04,165 --> 00:12:07,099
I am completely comfortable
with this party.
319
00:12:07,168 --> 00:12:09,234
Look, I'll even...
Look, I'll turn it up.
320
00:12:09,303 --> 00:12:11,403
See? I don't even know
how that happened.
321
00:12:11,472 --> 00:12:13,605
Okay, and you are comfortable
322
00:12:13,674 --> 00:12:16,941
with me being completely
myself at this party?
323
00:12:17,010 --> 00:12:18,510
Yes.
324
00:12:18,579 --> 00:12:20,512
100%.
325
00:12:20,581 --> 00:12:22,814
You be you.
326
00:12:22,824 --> 00:12:26,652
You know, just as long as
you're being you here.
327
00:12:26,720 --> 00:12:27,852
Right?
328
00:12:28,220 --> 00:12:29,754
At home.
329
00:12:29,823 --> 00:12:32,356
330
00:12:32,425 --> 00:12:33,591
- Shannon: This?
- Jimmy: Nothing with raisins.
331
00:12:33,660 --> 00:12:34,877
- I don't like taffy.
- Okay. What about that?
332
00:12:34,887 --> 00:12:36,460
- Shannon, that's just a box of raisins.
- Okay, well, I can't see.
333
00:12:36,529 --> 00:12:37,996
Okay, move. Just go down, left.
334
00:12:38,065 --> 00:12:38,997
You're just touching gum.
335
00:12:39,066 --> 00:12:41,332
There. There! That one. You got it.
336
00:12:41,401 --> 00:12:42,600
Okay.
337
00:12:42,669 --> 00:12:44,828
You got to put it in my mouth.
338
00:12:45,505 --> 00:12:46,937
Pat: What are you doing?
339
00:12:47,006 --> 00:12:49,973
You guys are here to be
punished, not to have fun.
340
00:12:50,042 --> 00:12:51,975
This is actually very stressful, Dad!
341
00:12:52,044 --> 00:12:53,944
Oh, Jimmy.
342
00:12:54,731 --> 00:12:56,347
Can you please get
somebody to cover for you
343
00:12:56,416 --> 00:12:57,948
so you can help me break my kids?
344
00:12:57,958 --> 00:12:59,283
Yes, I miss being in the field.
345
00:12:59,352 --> 00:13:01,356
- Interrogations were my specialty.
- Oh, really?
346
00:13:01,366 --> 00:13:03,053
Yeah, I always wondered why
you're stuck behind this desk.
347
00:13:03,122 --> 00:13:04,354
I shot my partner.
348
00:13:04,423 --> 00:13:06,190
Oh. I did not know that.
349
00:13:06,258 --> 00:13:08,491
Don't back down,
get that turn around
350
00:13:08,560 --> 00:13:10,293
You see?
351
00:13:10,362 --> 00:13:12,529
A boy in a dress just walked by
352
00:13:12,598 --> 00:13:15,332
and stuck an entire
corn dog in his mouth.
353
00:13:15,400 --> 00:13:17,519
And I am fine with it!
354
00:13:17,529 --> 00:13:19,369
- I'm so proud of you.
- Thank you.
355
00:13:19,438 --> 00:13:21,371
[Fifth Harmony's "That's My Girl" plays]
356
00:13:21,440 --> 00:13:23,806
[Cheering]
357
00:13:27,546 --> 00:13:29,379
That's my girl
358
00:13:29,448 --> 00:13:31,581
That's my girl
359
00:13:31,650 --> 00:13:34,016
That's my girl
360
00:13:34,085 --> 00:13:35,651
That's my girl
361
00:13:35,720 --> 00:13:37,854
You know what they say.
362
00:13:37,922 --> 00:13:42,725
When Mom gives you lemons...
Beyonc? makes lemonade.
363
00:13:42,794 --> 00:13:44,034
[Cheering]
364
00:13:46,716 --> 00:13:48,049
365
00:13:48,448 --> 00:13:51,339
- Mom, are you okay?
- Yes, I'm okay. All good.
366
00:13:51,648 --> 00:13:52,547
Really? You're not upset about this?
367
00:13:52,616 --> 00:13:54,549
What? No. Not at all.
368
00:13:54,618 --> 00:13:56,584
You make a great Beyonc?.
369
00:13:56,653 --> 00:14:00,621
If Beyonc? had a pale,
small, boy's body.
370
00:14:00,690 --> 00:14:02,256
Sweet burn.
371
00:14:02,325 --> 00:14:03,958
You're more like a Shetland Beyonc?.
372
00:14:04,027 --> 00:14:05,592
[All gasping]
373
00:14:05,661 --> 00:14:07,161
What? What's happening?
374
00:14:07,230 --> 00:14:09,297
Mom, you're throwing shade,
375
00:14:09,365 --> 00:14:11,799
and you are surprisingly good at it.
376
00:14:11,868 --> 00:14:12,834
Do me. Do me.
377
00:14:12,902 --> 00:14:14,935
Okay. Well, uh...
378
00:14:15,003 --> 00:14:16,670
you look just like Britney.
379
00:14:16,739 --> 00:14:18,038
Mm-hmm.
380
00:14:18,106 --> 00:14:20,774
The dirty, barefoot Britney
from the gas-station bathroom.
381
00:14:20,843 --> 00:14:22,029
[Laughter]
382
00:14:22,039 --> 00:14:23,577
Yas, Queen.
383
00:14:23,646 --> 00:14:25,111
Gays like throwing shade?
384
00:14:25,180 --> 00:14:26,613
Oh, we live for it.
385
00:14:26,682 --> 00:14:28,816
It's not a compliment
unless it's backhanded.
386
00:14:28,884 --> 00:14:30,116
Uh, and ok...
387
00:14:30,185 --> 00:14:32,485
Oh, I'm guessing you're JLo.
388
00:14:32,554 --> 00:14:35,588
But in your case,
it's more like J-E-L-L-O.
389
00:14:35,657 --> 00:14:37,657
[Crowd "Oohs", Ohs"]
390
00:14:37,726 --> 00:14:38,624
Oh!
391
00:14:38,693 --> 00:14:40,927
Her cruelty is their joy.
392
00:14:40,996 --> 00:14:43,696
393
00:14:43,765 --> 00:14:46,333
Why are you so obsessed
with pranking the Murphys?
394
00:14:46,401 --> 00:14:49,335
If you're going to interrogate
me, I demand a lawyer.
395
00:14:50,194 --> 00:14:51,971
All you need is a legal guardian,
396
00:14:52,039 --> 00:14:53,450
and I'm it.
397
00:14:53,776 --> 00:14:55,307
Nice try with the cup,
398
00:14:55,377 --> 00:14:56,777
but you're not gonna get my prints.
399
00:14:57,411 --> 00:14:58,611
[Sighs] You're my daughter.
400
00:14:58,680 --> 00:15:00,279
I have your footprint in clay.
401
00:15:00,348 --> 00:15:01,881
I'm not telling you anything.
402
00:15:01,949 --> 00:15:02,882
Now, Jimmy...
403
00:15:02,950 --> 00:15:04,016
Please! I can't keep mum.
404
00:15:04,085 --> 00:15:05,217
I don't want to keep mum.
405
00:15:05,286 --> 00:15:06,651
I don't even know what "mum" means!
406
00:15:06,720 --> 00:15:08,053
Okay, I'll tell you everything!
407
00:15:08,122 --> 00:15:10,122
You know, confessing will
make everything easier.
408
00:15:10,191 --> 00:15:11,290
Will it?
409
00:15:11,359 --> 00:15:13,292
Stop asking me questions back!
410
00:15:13,361 --> 00:15:15,627
And sometimes I don't brush
my teeth before I go to bed.
411
00:15:15,696 --> 00:15:17,462
And I pretend to tip the baristas
412
00:15:17,531 --> 00:15:18,797
so that they'll like me.
413
00:15:18,866 --> 00:15:22,801
And just once, I was doing what boys do,
414
00:15:22,870 --> 00:15:24,836
and I didn't have any Kleenex,
415
00:15:24,905 --> 00:15:26,805
so I used my mom's good vase,
416
00:15:26,874 --> 00:15:29,173
and then she put roses in the vase,
417
00:15:29,242 --> 00:15:30,764
and they died.
418
00:15:34,134 --> 00:15:35,146
Pat.
419
00:15:35,215 --> 00:15:37,081
He told me everything.
420
00:15:37,150 --> 00:15:38,482
Damn it, Jimmy!
421
00:15:40,322 --> 00:15:42,720
Honestly, I think you just
had a kind of a heavy hand
422
00:15:42,789 --> 00:15:44,319
with the eyeliner, hon.
423
00:15:44,329 --> 00:15:46,090
You use a pencil, not a paint brush.
424
00:15:46,159 --> 00:15:47,325
- [Cellphone rings]
- [Jodi gasps] Oh, my God!
425
00:15:47,394 --> 00:15:49,360
It's Steve the Colorist from work!
426
00:15:49,429 --> 00:15:51,495
This is my chance to impress him.
427
00:15:51,564 --> 00:15:53,697
Hey, where you at, you lazy-eyed queen?
428
00:15:53,766 --> 00:15:57,108
[Laughs] Yeah, you heard me.
429
00:15:57,118 --> 00:16:00,270
You're a flaming queen
with a big-old lazy eye.
430
00:16:00,339 --> 00:16:03,273
[Laughs] Hello?
431
00:16:03,342 --> 00:16:05,742
[Missy Elliott's "WTF
(Where They From)" plays]
432
00:16:09,614 --> 00:16:11,781
The dance that you're doing is dumb
433
00:16:12,636 --> 00:16:15,385
How do they know all the same moves?
434
00:16:15,387 --> 00:16:17,467
Theater nerds. The worst.
435
00:16:19,524 --> 00:16:21,058
Stickin' out your tongue, girl
436
00:16:21,126 --> 00:16:23,460
You know it don't start till 1:00
437
00:16:23,528 --> 00:16:24,694
That's how they do
it where they from
438
00:16:24,763 --> 00:16:26,930
I'm so faded, no exaggeration
439
00:16:26,998 --> 00:16:28,965
Oh, I don't... Look, I...
440
00:16:29,033 --> 00:16:30,767
Boys to the yard for
some hip spankin'
441
00:16:30,836 --> 00:16:32,735
[Cheering]
442
00:16:32,804 --> 00:16:34,737
Can't take it, em chicks been fakin'
443
00:16:34,806 --> 00:16:36,873
Y'all still sleep,
better stay awakened
444
00:16:36,942 --> 00:16:38,775
Hot new dance for
the hood to make it
445
00:16:38,844 --> 00:16:40,810
Make the dope move fast,
make them think you drinkin'
446
00:16:40,879 --> 00:16:42,611
Head to the floor,
don't collect that, though
447
00:16:42,680 --> 00:16:44,613
You better huddle up
'cause the beat's so cold
448
00:16:44,682 --> 00:16:46,782
Pop that, pop that, cock and reload
449
00:16:46,851 --> 00:16:48,650
[Cheering]
450
00:16:48,719 --> 00:16:50,786
Boys on my back, playa,
did you peep that?
451
00:16:50,855 --> 00:16:52,136
You got a small stack,
playa, you can keep that
452
00:16:52,146 --> 00:16:53,202
Get it, girl!
453
00:16:53,212 --> 00:16:54,723
I'm a big mack,
make you wanna eat that
454
00:16:54,792 --> 00:16:56,658
Like mm-hmm-hmm-hmm,
yak it to the yak
455
00:16:56,727 --> 00:16:58,627
Junk in the trunk make
you pumps in the bump
456
00:16:58,696 --> 00:17:00,135
Girls wanna have fun, make you
stickin' out your tongue
457
00:17:00,145 --> 00:17:01,113
Hi.
458
00:17:01,123 --> 00:17:03,799
Kenny: So, the Halloween of my
dreams had actually come true.
459
00:17:03,868 --> 00:17:05,834
I was being my true self...
460
00:17:05,903 --> 00:17:08,637
and my mom was being... hers.
461
00:17:08,706 --> 00:17:11,740
And we were both being accepted.
462
00:17:11,809 --> 00:17:15,776
I may have even found myself a crew.
463
00:17:16,794 --> 00:17:19,647
No, no, no. Why did I change?
Why did I change?
464
00:17:19,716 --> 00:17:21,616
Oh. That's right.
465
00:17:21,684 --> 00:17:23,775
Because I look fierce.
466
00:17:23,785 --> 00:17:24,685
Hermes Trismegistus
467
00:17:24,754 --> 00:17:26,521
Witness and get lifted
468
00:17:26,589 --> 00:17:28,756
Basic... I was born in the basement
469
00:17:28,825 --> 00:17:30,525
Shapeshift...
I think like a spaceship
470
00:17:30,593 --> 00:17:32,527
False, oh-nah-nah-nah
471
00:17:32,595 --> 00:17:33,866
- [Music stops]
- What's going on?
472
00:17:33,876 --> 00:17:35,863
- What?
- Party's over.
473
00:17:35,932 --> 00:17:38,465
You all look ridiculous,
and I want you out of my house.
474
00:17:38,535 --> 00:17:39,867
You go, girl.
475
00:17:39,936 --> 00:17:42,837
No, she's not playing
anymore. She's serious.
476
00:17:42,906 --> 00:17:45,973
It's so hard to tell with her.
477
00:17:46,042 --> 00:17:49,510
Well, Jimmy confessed more
than I ever wanted to know.
478
00:17:49,578 --> 00:17:52,546
May I suggest getting your
entire house steam-cleaned?
479
00:17:52,614 --> 00:17:55,882
[Sighs] Why did they want to
prank the Murphys' house?
480
00:17:55,951 --> 00:17:58,685
They overheard the Murphys saying
that you guys were all going to hell
481
00:17:58,754 --> 00:18:01,121
because you're getting
divorced and Kenny is gay.
482
00:18:01,190 --> 00:18:02,456
What?
483
00:18:02,525 --> 00:18:04,324
They didn't tell you 'cause
they thought you'd feel bad.
484
00:18:04,393 --> 00:18:06,392
[Sighs] Well, I do.
485
00:18:06,461 --> 00:18:07,727
I feel awful.
486
00:18:07,796 --> 00:18:10,196
Haters gonna hate, Pat.
Haters gonna hate.
487
00:18:10,265 --> 00:18:11,397
[Sighs]
488
00:18:11,407 --> 00:18:12,966
I learned that after I shot my partner.
489
00:18:13,035 --> 00:18:17,003
Oh, my God. What have I
done to them tonight?
490
00:18:17,072 --> 00:18:19,305
[Sighs] I'm a horrible father.
491
00:18:19,374 --> 00:18:21,920
No, you're not. I mean,
you're a little overprotective,
492
00:18:21,930 --> 00:18:23,476
but your kids are amazing.
493
00:18:23,545 --> 00:18:27,380
Guys, I had no idea you did
this to protect us and Kenny.
494
00:18:27,449 --> 00:18:29,182
I never would've put you through this.
495
00:18:29,250 --> 00:18:32,218
I'm so sorry. I love you.
496
00:18:32,287 --> 00:18:35,854
Aww. The thought of having
kids has always been...
497
00:18:35,923 --> 00:18:38,490
the worst life I could imagine.
498
00:18:38,559 --> 00:18:40,225
But your kids are way
less annoying than most.
499
00:18:40,294 --> 00:18:41,226
[Chuckles]
500
00:18:41,295 --> 00:18:42,427
I hope we get to hang out again.
501
00:18:42,496 --> 00:18:45,598
[Chuckles] I'm flattered,
but you're very old.
502
00:18:45,666 --> 00:18:48,701
503
00:18:50,938 --> 00:18:51,904
[Sighs]
504
00:18:51,973 --> 00:18:53,706
Phew!
505
00:18:58,612 --> 00:19:01,779
I thought I could do it. I really did.
506
00:19:01,848 --> 00:19:03,115
[Sighs]
507
00:19:03,183 --> 00:19:06,418
You know, for a minute,
I really thought you could, too.
508
00:19:06,487 --> 00:19:10,589
It's just that... hearing about
you kissing a boy at prom
509
00:19:10,657 --> 00:19:13,257
and then actually seeing
you kiss a boy...
510
00:19:13,326 --> 00:19:14,859
[Chuckles]
511
00:19:14,928 --> 00:19:18,529
They're two very different things.
512
00:19:18,598 --> 00:19:20,564
And I'm your mother.
513
00:19:20,634 --> 00:19:23,901
I really don't want to
see you kissing anybody.
514
00:19:24,861 --> 00:19:26,704
I get that.
515
00:19:26,773 --> 00:19:29,375
I don't want to see you
kissing anyone, either.
516
00:19:29,385 --> 00:19:31,808
If it's anything like the way
you eat corn, I'm terrified.
517
00:19:31,877 --> 00:19:33,810
It's the sound, isn't it?
518
00:19:35,981 --> 00:19:37,948
But, look, um...
519
00:19:38,689 --> 00:19:40,204
kissing aside,
520
00:19:41,387 --> 00:19:43,954
if you won't let me be gay here,
521
00:19:44,023 --> 00:19:45,989
I can't be here.
522
00:19:46,058 --> 00:19:47,590
This is my worst fear.
523
00:19:47,660 --> 00:19:50,794
I-I really don't want to
lose you to this new...
524
00:19:50,863 --> 00:19:53,013
- gay world.
- That's the thing.
525
00:19:53,023 --> 00:19:57,267
It isn't some separate whole thing, Mom.
526
00:19:57,335 --> 00:19:59,102
I mean, there's a place for you in it.
527
00:19:59,171 --> 00:20:02,630
I mean, look at tonight...
You were the Belle of the gay ball.
528
00:20:03,908 --> 00:20:07,109
I'll get there, you know? I know I will.
529
00:20:07,179 --> 00:20:10,913
I'm just gonna need you
to go slow with me.
530
00:20:10,982 --> 00:20:12,576
Slower than we've been going?
531
00:20:12,586 --> 00:20:15,151
Mom, we're like an episode
of "The Night Of."
532
00:20:15,220 --> 00:20:17,787
I bet you'd be good at
throwing shade, too.
533
00:20:18,580 --> 00:20:21,323
- I can hold my own.
- All right.
534
00:20:21,872 --> 00:20:23,801
- Read me.
- Um...
535
00:20:26,030 --> 00:20:27,296
Is the...
536
00:20:27,364 --> 00:20:30,800
librarian convention in town?
537
00:20:30,868 --> 00:20:33,035
And you call yourself my son.
538
00:20:33,104 --> 00:20:34,269
I know.
539
00:20:34,338 --> 00:20:37,539
Kenny, I bought these khakis
at the grocery store.
540
00:20:37,608 --> 00:20:40,523
They have pleats in the front and back.
541
00:20:40,990 --> 00:20:42,010
Why?
542
00:20:45,335 --> 00:20:47,721
Well, you know, as everything
in our lives is changing,
543
00:20:47,731 --> 00:20:49,903
it's good to know our kids
are on the right path.
544
00:20:49,913 --> 00:20:54,248
Yes, maybe not the path
we imagined, but, yes.
545
00:20:54,944 --> 00:20:56,285
And even after I move out,
546
00:20:56,295 --> 00:20:58,185
I still want to do stuff
together as a family, okay?
547
00:20:58,254 --> 00:20:59,253
Definitely.
548
00:20:59,322 --> 00:21:01,255
This is the Murphys' house, guys.
549
00:21:01,324 --> 00:21:03,491
No one ever gets egged the
night after Halloween.
550
00:21:03,560 --> 00:21:04,746
O'Neals rock!
551
00:21:04,756 --> 00:21:08,415
Eileen: Okay, Jimmy, we could
also be doing this anonymously.
552
00:21:08,425 --> 00:21:11,291
Synced and corrected by johnyd13
~ www.addic7ed.com ~
553
00:21:11,301 --> 00:21:12,900
[Laughter]
554
00:21:12,969 --> 00:21:14,268
- Oh!
- [Dog barking]
555
00:21:14,337 --> 00:21:15,903
Run! Run!
556
00:21:15,913 --> 00:21:17,571
Serpentine! Serpentine!
557
00:21:17,640 --> 00:21:20,207
[Barking continues]
558
00:21:20,257 --> 00:21:24,807
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