All language subtitles for The Real ONeals s01e10 Retreat.eng

Kenny: Why am I tightly
rolling my clothes?

It's the most
efficient way to pack.

And I'm getting ready

for my upcoming Catholic
youth retreat weekend.

It's just as awesome
as it sounds.

Hey, Kenny, you got room

for duct tape, Silly
String, and saran wrap?

They always check my bag.

They say it's random, but
[Chuckles] it's profiling.

It's not profiling.

You saran-wrapped six
kids to a pole last year.

Yeah, and it would have been seven.

Kevin Farkus is a slippery little fella.

Hey.

If you weren't my brothers
and wanted to make out with me,

would you prefer root
beer or bubble gum lips?

- Root beer.
- Why?

Well, for me, this weekend's about

finally getting my first real kiss.

I'm four months behind my schedule,

so I'm gonna leave these behind.

And put these on.

Are those slightly thicker?

You bet your ass they are.

Ugh, you guys, it is not
about hooking up or pranking.

It is about getting in touch with

what being Catholic means to you,

and, uh, not to brag,
but there is a good chance

that I will be named Faith Leader.

Aww. He thinks he's bragging.

Okay, you guys, being Faith Leader

is the next step in my evolution.

I'm head altar boy, class treasurer,

elks club teen of the
month October 2014.

It's like when Rita Moreno

won an Emmy, Grammy, Oscar, and Tony.

I need the EGOT.

I want to be the Rita Moreno
of high-school leader...

That was good.

Get it out of your system now.

Don't forget to call
us if you need anything.

That's right. And
everybody has the number

to my basement landline, right?

- What?
- No.

What's a landline?

Oh, forget it. I'm just trying
to establish my independence.

We are gonna miss you all so much.

That's right. Love you. Mwah!

- See you.
- Mm-hmm.

- Love you.
- Bye!

- Love you. No.
- Love you. No, joking.

[Sighs] Wow. It's kind
of like the first day

of the rest of our single lives, huh?

- Mm.
- Any plans?

Oh, yeah. So many.

Mm.

The tough part is cramming
it all into one weekend.

Oh, tell me about it. [Sighs]

I'm like, "Slow down, Brain.

You know, you're gonna explode
thinking about all your plans."

[Chuckles] Yeah.

Well, I'm gonna go sit in the basement.

I got to make sure all the pens work.

All right, everybody. Let's
settle down, please.

Everybody, bring it in.

Welcome, everyone, to St. Barklay's.

For the visiting students,
I am Vice Principal Murray.

- Whoo!
- Thank you.

Now, we all know what happened
last year at St. Mary's.

So I don't think it would hurt

to do a quick little recap of the rules.

Rule number one... no pranking.

You know who you are.

That's me! [Chuckles]

[Cheers and applause]

Thank you. Thank you.

Yeah, that's my boy.

Second rule... no half-empty
bottles of kahl?a.

Drew, this is going in
the contraband locker

next to the firecrackers
and the crickets.

But there's not much air in there,

so those crickets are probably dead.

Anyway, on to my next
piece of business...

the bestowing of the golden whistle

to this year's Faith Leader.

This is it.

Now, remember what
Taylor Swift taught you.

Look surprised when
they call your name.

A duty is som...

Jimmy O'Neal!

[Scattered applause]

What?!

Synced and corrected by VitoSilans
- www.Addic7ed.com -

Um, I think you made a mistake.

My whole life has been
a series of mistakes.

You're gonna have to be
more specific there, champ.

It was my turn to be Faith Leader.

I worked the last
three retreats for this.

Last year, I was the
most trustworthy person

in the trust exercises.

You said that. Your words, Murray.

Kenny, I don't need you as Faith Leader.

You're always well-behaved.

But your brother terrifies me.

One good way to keep a troublemaker down

is to make him believe he can be more,

even if it's a lie.

That's how I got roped into this job.

So, you're saying I'm being
punished for being a good guy?

'Cause I'm pretty sure that's profiling.

I do not profile anyone, especially you.

Speaking of which, if
you're not comfortable

sleeping with all those other boys

because of your... Blossoming sexuality,

you can sleep in here.

Not with me, of course.

I will be sleeping
with all the other boys.

N-nope.

The office is yours all by yourself

- for no particular reason.
- I don't want to stay in here.

It smells like Funyuns
and Axe body spray.

You got a keen nose, Kenny.

If you do change your mind,
I got a case of 5-hour energy.

I accidentally bought
the women's version.

Your bones will thank you.

[Sighs] You can keep your room.

Hmm. Okay.

O-okay.

- Yeah, baby!
- Boom! There it is!

[Door opens]

Sam: Yeah! Whoo! Boom. Let's go.

I didn't know you had company.

Yeah, I invited a friend
over to watch the game.

Sam, Eileen. Eileen, Sam.

Sam's a detective at the station

and a recently divorced lesbian.

Hi. There's at least
three things in there

- he didn't need to tell you.
- No, she would have asked.

Aah!

Come on!

- Well...
- What was that?

I also have a friend

who's, uh, probably gonna
be stopping by any minute now.

So... but you probably
already figured that out,

didn't you, Detective? [Chuckles]

Case closed on this one.

Pew, pew. [Chuckles]

Aah!

That's it!

[Inhales sharply]

[Door opens]

What took you so long?

I was mid-manicure,

but I rushed over here as
soon as I knew I was needed.

I parked on your lawn. What's wrong?

Pat's friends with a lesbian detective

and they're in the basement.

That's a lot to process.

It's our first single weekend,

and he's already got a friend.

He's so much better
at divorce than I am.

I bet they're complaining
about their exes.

Maybe you could go down there

and just casually overhear

every single word of their conversation.

I'll tiptoe.

I was always the best at
"Red Light, Green Light."

Green light.

Thank you all for meeting.

As you know, I'm seeking
the perfect candidate

to be my first kiss.

I want this interview
process to be relaxing,

so I'll just need your
social security number

to check your credit score.

And we're recording.

Uh...

Nice whistle, Faith Leader Jimmy.

Ah, so much for beating
your record this year, huh?

C-can you think of anything else

that saran wrap can be
used for other than pranks?

Because I can't. I
can't think of one thing.

All right. Well, later.

All right. We need to talk.

I have a really, really good feeling

that if you tell V.P. Murray

you don't want to be faith
leader, he'll give it to me.

I mean, you don't... [Chuckles] you

don't want the job anyway, right?

No. I don't even know why
Murray picked me for it.

Oh, I do.

He said that a good way
to keep a troublemaker down

is to make him believe he can do more.

He believes that I can do more?
He said... he said that to you?

No. You are missing the point.

Stop trying to be something you're not.

Just let me have the job.

You don't think I can do this, do you?

I'm gonna prove to you
and to everybody else

that I deserve the Faith Leader title.

So, why don't you go lay
down in your sleeping bag

and wait till I tell
you what to do next?

[Scoffs]

You think I'll take orders from you?

Oh.

- Oh, what's this?
- Don't you blow that.

Don't you dare blow my whistle.

- [Whistle blows]
- Let me tell you.

It is a very hard job keeping
the troublemakers in line.

And I'm gonna prove it to you...

By being a troublemaker.

[Chuckles] Troublemakers don't
call themselves troublemakers.

Well, I'm gonna bring it
like it has never been brung.

Brought. Is it brought?

Either way, that's what's happening.

Jodi, what are you doing?

Me? Nothing.

Just doing a little laundry.

How did you know I'm here?

Well, uh, can't speak for Pat here,

but a pretty lady
always gets my attention.

[Chuckles] Hi. I'm Sam.

I'm Jodi.

And I'm totally bi when
it comes to compliments.

Scooch over, Pat.

Will you just tell Eileen
that she can come down here?

It's better than having
her listen through the door.

I'm not listening through the door.

The door was open and sound travels up.

That's science.

Charcuterie, anyone?

Oh, none for me. I just became a vegan.

Vegan?

When did you decide not
to like food? [Chuckles]

Oh, well, truthfully, after my divorce.

I, uh, figured I should
try some new things...

changed my diet, uh, taking
voice lessons, making candles.

I'm sorry. Did you say making candles?

Yeah.

Paraffin wax or soy wax?

Soy.

Cored wicks or flat?

Well, I let the candle tell me.

That's what I say.

- Huh.
- Huh.

There's the crew Jimmy
normally hangs with.

I'm gonna make my move.

I just need a cool first
line to show them I'm bad.

Hi, drew. I like your shirt.

Who are you?

I'm Jimmy's brother.

Jimmy the traitor?

That's right.

So, I thought of a prank we could pull.

When Jimmy asks us a question,

we mouth the words
but don't say anything

to make him think he
has a hearing problem.

Like this.

What?

Exactly.

That's stupid.

One, two, three, eyes on me.

All right. I'm your Faith Leader, Jimmy.

If you just stick to
your Jesus journaling

and your gratitude lists,
there shouldn't be any problem.

Faith Leader.

Out.

What can we do to get
away from this guy?

I've changed my mind.
I'm gonna need this room.

There's a boy from holy crown

that's been eyeing me in a way
that makes me uncomfortable.

Yeah. Yeah, we're gonna have to

nip this one in the butt... in the bud.

- Office is yours.
- Great.

I'm also going to need my own key

and access to your mini fridge.

You got it. Can you just do me a favor?

Don't touch my lunchables.

Let me make this very clear.

I will eat all the lunchables I want.

Well, I've established my boundaries,

but it's clear you've
also established yours.

You know what you just reminded me of?

My ex-wife. [Shudders] Getting chills.

Who knew being so bad
would feel so good?

And now to celebrate my victory.

Mm. [Coughs] God, that is chalky.

Why didn't I shake well?

- Here it is.
- Wait.

So, we have this place
to ourselves all weekend?

Yeah.

And a private bathroom for
those of us with a shy colon.

Yo, you know what this place needs?

- My kahl?a.
- I don't know how we're gonna do that.

- V.P. Murray took it.
- Oh, man, I don't know.

But if you could figure out a way

to throw a party in the
vice principal's office

during a retreat,
[Chuckles] you'd be a legend.

Four, five, six, explain this.

Who wants to tell me
why we're all in here

and not working on our "Catholics

against human trafficking Puppet Show"?

Because...

Using felt and buttons is an inane way

to address the growing epidemic
of domestic sex slavery.

Yeah, in your face, Jimmy.

Human rights!

Puppet Show.

Now.

What is all of this?

Oh, I invited Sam over
to work on our candles.

She's having some challenging
issues with air bubbles.

It's a rookie error. She needs me.

Okay. I'm just gonna come out
and say this like an adult.

Sam is my friend. I had
her first. She's mine.

Pat, there's a whole world
of people we're gonna meet.

We can't just go through
all of them, calling dibs.

Which reminds me, I
haven't officially called...

Both: Dibs!

Okay.

I'm happy you're friends with Sam.

And I don't need to be part of

your stupid little candle party, either.

Yeah, I called it stupid.

Because I think it's
stupid to make something

so readily available at a store.

[Sighs]

Jodi, it's me. It's Pat.

It's the number to my landline.

Because I'm trying to establish
my own space and independence.

Look, I need you to come over.

Pat, I'd love to,

but I really got to get this
nail situation under control.

I wasn't finished.

Bring your karaoke machine.

Finally.

I'll be right there!

Ahh! [Chuckles] Okay.

So, turns out

there's zero viable tail
in the freshman group.

Any options for me in your crew?

So, "crew's" caught on?

Is anyone calling it the "K-crew" yet?

- No.
- Okay, well,

[scoffs] They will.

'Cause you know what, Shannon?

I am throwing an epic party tonight.

Really? You?

Yes.

Just need to get the
confiscated kahl?a.

Okay. If you let me come,

I'll tell you the combination to
V.P. Murray's contraband locker.

Deal.

0-2-25.

It's his ex-wife's birthday.
He uses it for everything.

The fact that you know that scares me.

This is why I have trouble meeting men.

So, once you pour in the wax,

then you tap the sides
of the mold like this.

Tap, tap.

And that's how you get
rid of all the bubbles.

- Oh, you are such a pro.
- Oh.

Pat:
You're as cold as ice

- Can we just...
- [Music stops]

Can we take this downstairs

or outside or maybe put it in an alley?

Hey, Sam.

Gosh, didn't you say you were
taking some voice lessons?

Why don't you show us what you got?

Gosh, I'd love to.

We're already priming the wicks.

We don't need karaoke.

[Chuckles] No one does.

-
Turn around, bright eyes

I begged her for years to sing
with me... I mean, like, begged.

- On my knees.
-
every now and then I fall apart

I know. She's acting so juvenile.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
-
And if you...

Okay, okay, simmer
down. Stop, stop. Okay.

- [Music stops]
- Listen, uh, ohh, I have, uh,

been in situations like this
with married couples before.

Usually there isn't this much foreplay.

But, uh, whatever's going on here,

you guys really need to hash it out.

Um...

It's probably for the best.

It was about more than
the candles for me.

Oh.

- [Door opens]
- Wait. Come back!

We can work this out.

Great.

Because you had to
act like a little baby,

I just lost my new best friend.

Your best friend?

Huh.

Did you sign up for classes
at potpourri pals together?

- What?
- This is bull crap!

Why don't you start paying attention

to the one person that
drops everything for you?

Not just today... always.

I've been here through your divorce

and Kenny coming out and Jimmy.

Taking me for granted is one thing,

but karaoke fighting over another woman

right in front of me?

It crosses a line.

Turn around, bright eyes?

I think I will.

[Door closes]

Did not see that coming.

I have the combination,

but how am I gonna figure out
which is the contraband locker?

[Cricket chirping]

[Chirping continues]

[Sighs]

I feel like what I'm doing
is cool and dangerous,

but I am so disappointed

by the choices these
students are making.

Yeah. Best party ever.

What do you mean if you could
live in any era, you'd pick now?

Paris in the '20s was
obviously the right answer.

Hey, I'd like to propose a
toast to our leader, Kenny.

- To Kenny!
- [Cheering]

All right. Hand goes
up, mouth goes closed.

What? No.

Um, hands... hands down, mouths open!

Yeah! What are you doing?

- Shut it down.
- Are you kidding?

This is the greatest party
that has ever been thrown

at a Central Illinois Catholic
youth retreat, and I did it.

Come on, Kenny! This is not you.

You don't throw
parties. You're not cool.

You swallowed your mouthwash

and had to lie down
because you felt woozy.

Yeah, well, shutting
down parties isn't you.

Come on. Walk away. Let this happen.

No can do, son.

I've been given a great
responsibility as Faith Leader,

and I have to fulfill it.

Don't...

[Whistle blows]

- [Music stops]
- All right. Party's over.

Hell, no! We won't go!

All: [Chanting] Hell, no! We won't go!

- Hell, no!
- You did this to yourself.

Ow, ow, I'm getting woozy.

Oh, this sucks! I can't
believe your brother's

making us do these
stupid apology letters.

Ah, Jimmy ruined everything.

I wish we could think
of a way to get him back.

Yeah.

Oh, we could put gum in his whistle.

Yeah. That'll take the
wind out of his sails.

Or we could totally humiliate him

by saran-wrapping him in his underwear

in the middle of the auditorium.

I mean, that is a total Jimmy move.

Okay. Let's meet up
outside the auditorium.

Everyone's next door watching
"The Ten Commandments,"

so that only leaves us 3 hours
and 40 minutes to pull this off.

Let's do this!

All right!

This is it.

I'm having my legendary night

and I'm gonna shut
down Jimmy for good.

It's all coming together.

What the...

Man: Hello, Kenny.

Oh, great. Why are you here?

Well, it is my weekend, buddy.

Woman: We meet again.

Jesus.

Hey, Maleficent.

She's still your dark side?

I thought you'd outgrow her.

Turns out you never
outgrow an evil queen.

What you're thinking
about doing now is a doozy.

Are you going to take advice

from a man who uses the word "doozy"?

Right. Jimmy did steal my glory, Jesus.

This was supposed to be my weekend,

and he took it from me.

Of course he did.

And you're bitter and seek revenge.

And those are natural urges.

If you bottle them
up, you'll get cancer.

And she's obviously insane.

Look, I-I know you're disappointed

about not getting Faith Leader,

but just because you didn't
get the thing that you want

doesn't mean you have
to be someone you're not.

Think about your brother.

Think about cancer.

There she is.

Oh.

We know you're mad at us,

and you have every reason to be.

We got a little carried away with Sam.

The truth is, I saw
Pat with a new friend,

and I just... I didn't
know how to deal with it.

Well, but, you know, making new

friends is part of us moving on.

Yeah, but you're moving on first.

But it's not a competition.

- Oh, of course it is, Pat.
- [Sighs]

We've only ever had couple's friends.

And I'm starting to think that
they were mainly friends with us

- because of you.
- What?

It's very hard for me
to make new friends.

But you just did make a new
friend, and she was a lesbian.

That's true. That was really big for me.

I mean, that's a good sign of growth.

Are you kidding me?!
You're doing it again.

Sam's not even here, and
this is all about her.

Jodi, I agree with you.

We haven't been treating
you like a friend.

Because you're family.

And taking loved ones for granted

is what family does best.

Keep going.

We promise we'll do better.

Do you promise to
sing classic '80s duets

with me and only me?

- Promise.
- Promise.

Even meat loaf's "I
would do anything for love

but I won't do that"?

[Sighs] Sure.

I won't do that.

I'll draw up the paperwork.

I tried it on,

but being a badass
doesn't fit me after all.

Jimmy, where are you going?

Drew and his crew are messing
around outside the auditorium.

Mm, no, you can't go there.

Well, I'm the faith leader.
I can do whatever I want.

It's a trap!

They're gonna saran-wrap
your balls to your face.

Okay, that's not physically possible.

And why... why should I even trust you?

Because I'm not...

The type of person who
pranks his own brother.

Look, I'm sorry that I
made your job really hard.

I was just jealous
that you got it over me.

Well, look, I'm jealous of you.

When I was writing you up for the party,

the only thing that I
wrote was "sweet party."

Well, you would have
thrown a better one.

Thank you.

But you are right.
You... you deserve it.

[Sighs] I really wish that
you could be Faith Leader.

[Sighs] I wish you could go back to

being the leader of the crew.

Jimmy, are you thinking
what I'm thinking?

Unlikely.

Okay.

Uh, well, here's the plan.

Kenny: Let me out!

Let me out!

No way! You're getting pranked!

Man.

Holy crap!

Was this your plan the whole time?

A-a double cross? That's genius.

Yeah. Let's get out of here.

We can steal people's phones
and take pictures of our junk!

[Chuckles] Yeah!

I missed us.

Me too.

[Inhales deeply] Oh, yeah, no.

Jimmy, I think you made
it a little too tight.

Jimmy!

Yeah, I can't really take a deep breath!

Kenny?

Oh. V.P. Murray. Please help.

You ate them all.

Every single lunchable.

[Whistle clatters]

I deserve this.

Why did I think this was a good idea?

Oh, Shannon. Thank god.

- Please help me out of here.
- I don't have time.

I've lowered my expectations,
and it's about to happen.

What?

Don't worry.

I love her.

No, no. Shannon, not with that guy!

Come on! Not where I can hear you!

At least close the door!

That's disgusting.

I did it!

Already?

[Sighs] That was wild.

Well...

Good for you!

[Chuckles]

Nope. Still stuck. Shannon!

I'm really stuck, and I'm
having a hard time breathing!

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