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1
00:00:01,600 --> 00:00:04,239
Anyone watching, thinking
we know fuck all about
2
00:00:04,240 --> 00:00:08,239
knowing fuck all about owt,
needs to watch their back...
3
00:00:08,240 --> 00:00:11,359
So you've had your Labour
reclassifying skunk,
4
00:00:11,360 --> 00:00:13,119
sending prices sky-high,
5
00:00:13,120 --> 00:00:17,639
literally, literally taking
the grass from its own roots!
6
00:00:17,640 --> 00:00:19,839
Now you've got your condemnation,
7
00:00:19,840 --> 00:00:23,239
Liberals noshing Tories like
altar boys picking dimps up!
8
00:00:23,240 --> 00:00:27,079
Have we had a national
fucking stroke... or what?
9
00:00:27,080 --> 00:00:30,919
Is revolution a word
or was it never?
10
00:00:30,920 --> 00:00:33,479
Anybody watching needs to know,
11
00:00:33,480 --> 00:00:36,919
we cope better than average
with irony in Chatsworth.
12
00:00:36,920 --> 00:00:40,199
Well, for fuck's sake,
we live in Manchester
13
00:00:40,200 --> 00:00:43,119
and they charge us for water?!
14
00:00:43,120 --> 00:00:48,319
I wandered lonely as a clown,
necking mushrooms rarely found.
15
00:00:48,320 --> 00:00:52,119
This green and pleasant land
in ancient times!
16
00:00:52,120 --> 00:00:54,080
Yak, yak, yak, yak,
yak, yak, yak, yak!
17
00:00:54,081 --> 00:00:57,399
It's not theirs any more.
18
00:00:57,400 --> 00:00:59,839
This is our England now.
19
00:00:59,840 --> 00:01:01,559
Paaaarty!
20
00:01:01,560 --> 00:01:02,480
CHEERING
21
00:01:09,200 --> 00:01:13,399
I always felt I was different,
I never believed that I fitted in.
22
00:01:13,400 --> 00:01:16,279
Life is... ordinary,
but I was special.
23
00:01:16,280 --> 00:01:19,559
I used to think, "I'm not
a part of this, I can't be.
24
00:01:19,560 --> 00:01:21,520
"I must be adopted!"
25
00:01:24,280 --> 00:01:27,239
My real mum and dad were film stars.
26
00:01:27,240 --> 00:01:30,919
Yeah, and they couldn't look after
me because of their careers and that,
27
00:01:30,920 --> 00:01:31,960
but one day... one day...
28
00:01:31,961 --> 00:01:33,999
Fish and chips!
29
00:01:34,000 --> 00:01:35,519
They'll come back for me.
30
00:01:35,520 --> 00:01:37,879
My real parents will tip
up in a fuck-off limo
31
00:01:37,880 --> 00:01:40,239
and whisk me off
to a better life...
32
00:01:40,240 --> 00:01:44,759
Excuse me, mister, I really want
to do magic. Can you teach me?
33
00:01:44,760 --> 00:01:46,999
And then I learnt...
34
00:01:47,000 --> 00:01:48,080
Fuck off, kid.
35
00:01:48,081 --> 00:01:51,119
That there's no such thing
as magic or the Tooth Fairy
36
00:01:51,120 --> 00:01:52,679
or Father Christmas.
37
00:01:52,680 --> 00:01:55,879
It's like flying pigs,
they don't exist.
38
00:01:55,880 --> 00:01:58,359
We just have to make
do with what we've got.
39
00:01:58,360 --> 00:02:00,039
Come on, it's good for you.
40
00:02:00,040 --> 00:02:01,199
Eh?
41
00:02:01,200 --> 00:02:03,799
Look, if you don't eat it, right,
42
00:02:03,800 --> 00:02:07,359
then Mr Cuddles' banana brains will
get splattered all over the wall!
43
00:02:07,360 --> 00:02:10,599
I know how you feel. I can't
do a thing with this today.
44
00:02:10,600 --> 00:02:12,319
It's flat as a gymnast's chest!
45
00:02:12,320 --> 00:02:13,560
Helicopter!
46
00:02:14,960 --> 00:02:20,199
Look, if you don't eat it, right,
then the helicopter will crash.
47
00:02:20,200 --> 00:02:21,320
Let 'em die.
48
00:02:24,840 --> 00:02:26,280
Is there a brew going, or what?
49
00:02:26,281 --> 00:02:27,800
Yeah, in the kettle.
50
00:02:29,040 --> 00:02:30,040
That's mine!
51
00:02:31,800 --> 00:02:32,878
Got your name in it?
52
00:02:32,879 --> 00:02:33,640
Yeah, it has!
53
00:02:33,641 --> 00:02:35,919
Is that porridge? No,
54
00:02:35,920 --> 00:02:37,279
it's a kebab(!)
55
00:02:37,280 --> 00:02:41,719
She prefers Chocky-Choc Pops,
with a bit of sugar on.
56
00:02:41,720 --> 00:02:43,679
Is that what you feed her?
57
00:02:43,680 --> 00:02:46,199
It's no wonder she won't touch it,
58
00:02:46,200 --> 00:02:49,919
she's holding out for a sugar fix.
That stuff will rot her teeth.
59
00:02:49,920 --> 00:02:51,798
They're only her baby ones,
she'll get a new set.
60
00:02:51,799 --> 00:02:52,760
If she gets older!
61
00:02:52,761 --> 00:02:56,159
The shit you're pumping into her!
You're not fit to be a parent.
62
00:02:56,160 --> 00:02:57,040
What, and you are?
63
00:02:57,041 --> 00:02:59,399
Well, I'm more qualified
than you are!
64
00:02:59,400 --> 00:03:00,478
Who's the daddy... I'm
the fucking daddy!
65
00:03:00,479 --> 00:03:01,718
Who's the daddy?!
66
00:03:01,719 --> 00:03:02,638
Where's your fucking tool?
67
00:03:02,639 --> 00:03:04,160
You're a fucking tool!
68
00:03:04,161 --> 00:03:06,480
Whoa, whoa, whoaa! Pack it in!
69
00:03:09,160 --> 00:03:12,960
It's not about you, or about
how good you are, it's about her!
70
00:03:15,440 --> 00:03:16,920
Smaller spoon.
71
00:03:16,921 --> 00:03:19,719
It's like when you're
feeding a poorly snake,
72
00:03:19,720 --> 00:03:21,720
y'know, you chop up the mice
with the scissors.
73
00:03:21,721 --> 00:03:23,559
DOOR SLAMS
74
00:03:23,560 --> 00:03:26,079
Right, you set of lazy bastards!
75
00:03:26,080 --> 00:03:27,280
Morning.
76
00:03:27,281 --> 00:03:29,519
I've got piles of bills here
falling out me arse
77
00:03:29,520 --> 00:03:31,839
and what are you lot doing about it?
78
00:03:31,840 --> 00:03:33,599
Fuck all!
79
00:03:33,600 --> 00:03:37,159
I need every single one
of you worthless shites
80
00:03:37,160 --> 00:03:40,319
to start pulling
in some serious money!
81
00:03:40,320 --> 00:03:41,679
Today!
82
00:03:41,680 --> 00:03:43,238
Er, I'm out there grafting already.
83
00:03:43,239 --> 00:03:45,600
Thought we were going to town?
Get a new trackie?
84
00:03:45,601 --> 00:03:48,119
I've got a golden shower
booked in at ten.
85
00:03:48,120 --> 00:03:49,360
I've got me community service.
86
00:03:49,361 --> 00:03:52,359
Prancing about in tights
in't community service.
87
00:03:52,360 --> 00:03:53,118
Yer what?
88
00:03:53,119 --> 00:03:55,118
I picked up needles
and shit when I did it.
89
00:03:55,119 --> 00:03:56,560
Him? Doing drama, plays and that.
90
00:03:56,561 --> 00:04:00,079
Maybe the magistrate saw
something in me.
91
00:04:00,080 --> 00:04:03,839
What, like big fucking gayness?
(LAUGHS)
92
00:04:03,840 --> 00:04:05,520
You're not me dad!
93
00:04:10,280 --> 00:04:13,039
So I reckon the magistrate
was knocked out by me.
94
00:04:13,040 --> 00:04:15,159
Saw that I had a bit
of something about me.
95
00:04:15,160 --> 00:04:17,160
Bastard, you bastard,
you fucking bastard.
96
00:04:17,161 --> 00:04:18,679
Cos I've done loads of acting, me.
97
00:04:18,680 --> 00:04:20,240
See how you like that!
98
00:04:20,241 --> 00:04:21,679
I was the Inn Keeper.
99
00:04:21,680 --> 00:04:26,119
Well, I played an opportunistic
businessman in a historical drama.
100
00:04:26,120 --> 00:04:27,199
Uh-huh.
101
00:04:27,200 --> 00:04:30,679
And we made a film, Taxi Driver,
it was fucking mint.
102
00:04:30,680 --> 00:04:33,159
I mean it was mint. Soz.
103
00:04:33,160 --> 00:04:36,639
I just really want to make
a success out of this,
104
00:04:36,640 --> 00:04:39,679
I think I'm turning
a corner, you know.
105
00:04:39,680 --> 00:04:42,919
Yeah, if I can just get this
sentence out of the way...
106
00:04:42,920 --> 00:04:44,120
Bastard!
107
00:04:44,121 --> 00:04:45,759
Good news?
108
00:04:45,760 --> 00:04:46,960
It's my ex,
109
00:04:46,961 --> 00:04:49,039
ran off with my best friend!
110
00:04:49,040 --> 00:04:51,639
You really missing her?
111
00:04:51,640 --> 00:04:54,039
I'll get his knees done if you want?
112
00:04:54,040 --> 00:04:56,719
Get him put in a wheelchair
and that...
113
00:04:56,720 --> 00:04:58,799
Joke! Ha-ha!
114
00:04:58,800 --> 00:05:02,599
No, I know what it's like to
be in an abusive relationship.
115
00:05:02,600 --> 00:05:04,480
Me step-dad nicks
my clothes, right.
116
00:05:04,481 --> 00:05:07,800
He's using one of my t-shirts
to sleep in!
117
00:05:09,880 --> 00:05:13,999
And he hits me,
I mean, like, proper hits me.
118
00:05:14,000 --> 00:05:15,360
He's cracked a few
of me ribs and that.
119
00:05:15,361 --> 00:05:17,400
In here.
120
00:05:29,840 --> 00:05:32,679
I think there's been a mistake.
121
00:05:32,680 --> 00:05:34,720
You shouldn't have called
the magistrate a "fucking mong".
122
00:05:34,721 --> 00:05:36,119
He was a fucking mong.
123
00:05:36,120 --> 00:05:38,239
He'd had a stroke.
124
00:05:38,240 --> 00:05:39,920
And?
125
00:05:46,440 --> 00:05:48,760
Dropped down dead
from a brain tumour.
126
00:05:48,761 --> 00:05:51,279
Age? 57.
127
00:05:51,280 --> 00:05:53,199
Here's another good one.
128
00:05:53,200 --> 00:05:57,719
Father of two, 47,
knocked down by a bus, 47.
129
00:05:57,720 --> 00:05:59,639
Morbid old crones.
130
00:05:59,640 --> 00:06:03,759
They make Goth Dave look like
a children's television presenter.
131
00:06:03,760 --> 00:06:06,359
Two halves of cider, one with black.
132
00:06:06,360 --> 00:06:08,960
That's the one with black.
133
00:06:11,520 --> 00:06:13,440
Can I have some cash
for the pool table?
134
00:06:18,080 --> 00:06:18,720
Cheers.
135
00:06:18,721 --> 00:06:21,399
He acts like a child,
but then again he is, isn't he?
136
00:06:21,400 --> 00:06:23,358
Shouldn't you get him
a lemonade too?
137
00:06:23,359 --> 00:06:25,160
Or does the sugar make him hyper?
138
00:06:25,161 --> 00:06:27,439
Oh, careful what you say now.
139
00:06:27,440 --> 00:06:29,639
There are children about
140
00:06:29,640 --> 00:06:32,120
and we don't want them picking up
any bad language now, do we?
141
00:06:32,121 --> 00:06:34,319
(THEY LAUGH)
142
00:06:34,320 --> 00:06:35,200
Mummy?
143
00:06:37,200 --> 00:06:39,158
Can I have a bag of crisps, please?
144
00:06:39,159 --> 00:06:40,160
Ah!
145
00:06:40,161 --> 00:06:42,840
(THEY LAUGH)
146
00:06:45,720 --> 00:06:47,800
You need to man-up!
147
00:06:50,000 --> 00:06:54,079
"That, my... dear young friend,
148
00:06:54,080 --> 00:06:57,279
"is the... theory
149
00:06:57,280 --> 00:07:00,759
"that the corrupt French...
150
00:07:00,760 --> 00:07:05,520
"drama has been propounding..."
151
00:07:06,720 --> 00:07:08,440
Aw, you've been smoking!
152
00:07:13,720 --> 00:07:16,599
This will be a million
times better than
153
00:07:16,600 --> 00:07:18,398
the shit you're inhaling
there, brother.
154
00:07:18,399 --> 00:07:19,640
It's Salford Skunk.
155
00:07:19,641 --> 00:07:21,639
Shop local, like it.
156
00:07:21,640 --> 00:07:23,318
Thai Stick.
157
00:07:23,319 --> 00:07:25,240
Pure quality.
158
00:07:25,241 --> 00:07:29,519
I'm autistic so it focuses
me mind and it's good for...
159
00:07:29,520 --> 00:07:31,440
concentration.
160
00:07:34,080 --> 00:07:35,639
D'you like it here?
161
00:07:35,640 --> 00:07:39,839
S'all right, usually a bit better
when we haven't got The Thrush.
162
00:07:39,840 --> 00:07:41,959
Irritating twat.
163
00:07:41,960 --> 00:07:46,039
And to be honest, I prefer
numbers to words, me, anyway.
164
00:07:46,040 --> 00:07:47,560
For example...
165
00:07:49,160 --> 00:07:51,479
from here, I can see...
166
00:07:51,480 --> 00:07:54,119
80 trees, 72 yellow lines,
167
00:07:54,120 --> 00:07:56,319
412 railings,
168
00:07:56,320 --> 00:08:00,599
17 traffic lights, 12 satellite
dishes, 3 cameras, 64 windows,
169
00:08:00,600 --> 00:08:02,720
24 cars, and two dead pigeons.
170
00:08:04,640 --> 00:08:06,679
You know all that
just by looking at them?
171
00:08:06,680 --> 00:08:08,239
The other thing I like is...
172
00:08:08,240 --> 00:08:09,959
Never mind that!
173
00:08:09,960 --> 00:08:11,478
D'ya fancy going
to a casino one night?
174
00:08:11,479 --> 00:08:13,440
The other thing I like is women.
175
00:08:13,441 --> 00:08:15,199
I want to shag a woman.
176
00:08:15,200 --> 00:08:18,239
I bet you've shagged loads of women.
177
00:08:18,240 --> 00:08:19,600
What's it like?
178
00:08:20,880 --> 00:08:21,840
Messy.
179
00:08:22,920 --> 00:08:24,559
Anyway, fuck that!
180
00:08:24,560 --> 00:08:28,599
Look... d'ya want to come to
the casino one night with me?
181
00:08:28,600 --> 00:08:31,319
Put in some serious money?
182
00:08:31,320 --> 00:08:33,800
Get me a woman to shag
and I'll come to the casino.
183
00:08:43,880 --> 00:08:47,919
The community service dickheads
proudly present...
184
00:08:47,920 --> 00:08:50,039
Litter Pick on the M60.
185
00:08:50,040 --> 00:08:54,039
We're a cutting-edge group, right,
with important things to say.
186
00:08:54,040 --> 00:08:55,359
So have I.
187
00:08:55,360 --> 00:08:56,839
Get a fuckin' job!
188
00:08:56,840 --> 00:08:58,799
Ha-ha-ha-ha(!)
189
00:08:58,800 --> 00:09:00,479
I'll show ya.
190
00:09:00,480 --> 00:09:01,559
Show me.
191
00:09:01,560 --> 00:09:04,359
You think I'm a joke,
you think I'm worth fuck all.
192
00:09:04,360 --> 00:09:09,200
It's not just me, Mickey. It's
pretty much across the board, mate.
193
00:09:10,280 --> 00:09:12,759
Kel...
194
00:09:12,760 --> 00:09:15,160
Fancy making a million quid for Mam?
195
00:09:17,600 --> 00:09:19,559
Boom!
196
00:09:19,560 --> 00:09:20,800
What the fuck are you playing at?
197
00:09:20,801 --> 00:09:22,359
Duh!
198
00:09:22,360 --> 00:09:24,278
You'll be wearing that internally.
199
00:09:24,279 --> 00:09:26,160
I've got a list of jobs
as long as me arse,
200
00:09:26,161 --> 00:09:27,999
and you piss off out of here!
201
00:09:28,000 --> 00:09:29,679
I was manning up, like you wanted.
202
00:09:29,680 --> 00:09:32,639
Leave you at home doing the jobs,
and me come here, like a man.
203
00:09:32,640 --> 00:09:34,479
You tell 'er, kid.
204
00:09:34,480 --> 00:09:37,799
It's not how it works ...
not in my house.
205
00:09:37,800 --> 00:09:40,479
Your list of jobs.
206
00:09:40,480 --> 00:09:43,359
It's about time you proved
yourself to be a man...
207
00:09:43,360 --> 00:09:44,638
my man ... all right?!
208
00:09:44,639 --> 00:09:45,720
Winner stays on!
209
00:09:45,721 --> 00:09:47,279
Now!
210
00:09:47,280 --> 00:09:48,480
CHUCKLING
211
00:09:52,640 --> 00:09:53,760
Ha-ha-ha!
212
00:09:53,761 --> 00:09:57,199
As for your conduct
towards Miss Cardew,
213
00:09:57,200 --> 00:09:59,239
I must say that your...
214
00:09:59,240 --> 00:10:00,759
MOBILE PHONE KEYPAD BLEEDS
215
00:10:00,760 --> 00:10:03,959
simple, innocent girl like that...
216
00:10:03,960 --> 00:10:05,280
Do you like this?
217
00:10:05,281 --> 00:10:08,439
Excuse me. Chatting away
while people are working
218
00:10:08,440 --> 00:10:09,718
is hugely disrespectful.
219
00:10:09,719 --> 00:10:11,080
(CLEARS THROAT)
220
00:10:11,081 --> 00:10:13,399
You got something to say?
221
00:10:13,400 --> 00:10:15,359
Why are they doing this?
222
00:10:15,360 --> 00:10:16,800
Did they choose it?
223
00:10:16,801 --> 00:10:19,479
No disrespect or 'owt, but...
224
00:10:19,480 --> 00:10:23,359
I don't understand it. By the
looks of it, neither do this lot.
225
00:10:23,360 --> 00:10:26,439
I'm sick and tired of men
telling me what's what.
226
00:10:26,440 --> 00:10:30,199
Time and time again, they think
they know best, and they know
227
00:10:30,200 --> 00:10:33,399
f... jack all!
228
00:10:33,400 --> 00:10:36,279
You, Michael Maguire,
have yourself a one-way ticket
229
00:10:36,280 --> 00:10:39,239
right out of here, direct to prison.
230
00:10:39,240 --> 00:10:42,839
Do not pass go and
do not collect ã200!
231
00:10:42,840 --> 00:10:43,678
Wait!
232
00:10:43,679 --> 00:10:45,998
I'm telling the courts
you're in breach of your order.
233
00:10:45,999 --> 00:10:47,480
All right, I'm sorry...
234
00:10:47,481 --> 00:10:50,839
Contributed nothing,
except negativity,
235
00:10:50,840 --> 00:10:53,519
whipping them up into a frenzy!
236
00:10:53,520 --> 00:10:56,039
There won't be a revolution here!
237
00:10:56,040 --> 00:10:57,359
Please!
238
00:10:57,360 --> 00:10:58,759
Not on my watch!
239
00:10:58,760 --> 00:11:01,080
Miss? Miss, wait!
240
00:11:05,680 --> 00:11:06,999
Oh...
241
00:11:07,000 --> 00:11:09,040
SCREAMING
242
00:11:13,280 --> 00:11:14,879
She pushed me!
243
00:11:14,880 --> 00:11:15,680
She fell.
244
00:11:15,681 --> 00:11:16,760
Pushed.
245
00:11:21,080 --> 00:11:22,360
Please! Let me out!
246
00:11:29,560 --> 00:11:31,119
Success.
247
00:11:31,120 --> 00:11:33,799
I picked up the child allowance
from the post office,
248
00:11:33,800 --> 00:11:36,479
went to court, paid the fines,
249
00:11:36,480 --> 00:11:38,959
dropped the wash off
and did the shop.
250
00:11:38,960 --> 00:11:39,960
Who's this?
251
00:11:44,840 --> 00:11:46,359
It's the same pram!
252
00:11:46,360 --> 00:11:48,240
GIGGLING
253
00:11:56,080 --> 00:11:58,599
Flat-out asleep.
254
00:11:58,600 --> 00:11:59,640
Cilla or Latifah?
255
00:11:59,641 --> 00:12:00,759
Cilla.
256
00:12:00,760 --> 00:12:02,879
Look, I've proved I can do stuff,
257
00:12:02,880 --> 00:12:05,079
shown I can sort problems ...
I've manned up.
258
00:12:05,080 --> 00:12:06,840
But can you think for yourself?
259
00:12:06,841 --> 00:12:10,359
I don't know what you want me to say.
Yeah! Yeah, I can think for myself.
260
00:12:10,360 --> 00:12:11,280
And pigs won't fly.
261
00:12:11,281 --> 00:12:12,279
I can!
262
00:12:12,280 --> 00:12:14,479
Prove it.
263
00:12:14,480 --> 00:12:16,720
We've got to find 500 quid
before midnight.
264
00:12:16,721 --> 00:12:17,999
Have we?
265
00:12:18,000 --> 00:12:20,319
It's a hypothetical case.
266
00:12:20,320 --> 00:12:21,759
Right.
267
00:12:21,760 --> 00:12:23,758
So where are you
going to get it from?
268
00:12:23,759 --> 00:12:24,720
The bank?
269
00:12:24,721 --> 00:12:26,718
You haven't got a bank account.
270
00:12:26,719 --> 00:12:27,800
Hypothetical bank?
271
00:12:27,801 --> 00:12:30,159
Oh, for fuck's sake, Mickey!
272
00:12:30,160 --> 00:12:32,039
Billy.
273
00:12:32,040 --> 00:12:35,279
You can't get it from the bank,
not from any of our stashes,
274
00:12:35,280 --> 00:12:38,119
sell anything or hurt anybody.
275
00:12:38,120 --> 00:12:42,639
So where are you going
to get 500 quid from... tonight?
276
00:12:42,640 --> 00:12:43,720
Think.
277
00:12:50,520 --> 00:12:52,919
My mum used to work in this office.
278
00:12:52,920 --> 00:12:55,999
It had a box of petty cash...
279
00:12:56,000 --> 00:12:57,160
500 quid's worth?
280
00:12:57,161 --> 00:12:59,240
More like a grand.
281
00:13:10,520 --> 00:13:12,800
I don't have to get it, do I?
282
00:13:18,680 --> 00:13:22,959
I like lemonade and sara-cong...
283
00:13:22,960 --> 00:13:26,079
Come on, please.
284
00:13:26,080 --> 00:13:28,359
She fancies you.
285
00:13:28,360 --> 00:13:32,079
But I fancy her, right?
286
00:13:32,080 --> 00:13:33,560
So stay away!
287
00:13:33,561 --> 00:13:35,240
All right.
288
00:13:37,560 --> 00:13:39,440
Hiya.
289
00:13:41,520 --> 00:13:42,800
MUSIC STOPS
290
00:13:42,801 --> 00:13:44,799
Right... (CLAPS HANDS)
291
00:13:44,800 --> 00:13:47,720
Ten-minute fag break.
292
00:13:52,240 --> 00:13:55,159
I know they're a bit different
to how I described 'em...
293
00:13:55,160 --> 00:13:57,559
I'm used to it,
I do different every day.
294
00:13:57,560 --> 00:13:58,680
This is it.
295
00:14:00,160 --> 00:14:01,158
Are you Mickey's girlfriend?
296
00:14:01,159 --> 00:14:02,280
No!
297
00:14:02,281 --> 00:14:05,960
No, she's just here to help out,
you know, erm, lend a hand.
298
00:14:08,480 --> 00:14:09,680
You can have a brew, then.
299
00:14:11,600 --> 00:14:14,880
Are you all right to use the kettle?
I mean, you're allowed?
300
00:14:17,520 --> 00:14:21,040
So, where's this Rain Man who's
going to make us some serious money?
301
00:14:27,240 --> 00:14:31,279
What play will we do instead?
302
00:14:31,280 --> 00:14:33,199
It's one I'm writing myself.
303
00:14:33,200 --> 00:14:37,559
It's the story of a poor,
misunderstood genius,
304
00:14:37,560 --> 00:14:39,160
rejected by everyone around him.
305
00:14:39,161 --> 00:14:41,079
He wants to fit in,
306
00:14:41,080 --> 00:14:43,279
he strives for it,
307
00:14:43,280 --> 00:14:44,720
but...
308
00:14:45,960 --> 00:14:47,400
no-one gets him.
309
00:14:48,880 --> 00:14:50,559
You lot know what it's like.
310
00:14:50,560 --> 00:14:53,079
Feeling like you don't fit in?
311
00:14:53,080 --> 00:14:54,639
We do fit in.
312
00:14:54,640 --> 00:14:57,120
But what about when people
call you names and that?
313
00:14:57,121 --> 00:14:58,439
Names?
314
00:14:58,440 --> 00:15:02,199
Yeah...
Window-lickers, biffs, retards.
315
00:15:02,200 --> 00:15:06,319
People don't call me
names like that.
316
00:15:06,320 --> 00:15:07,600
What do they call you, then?
317
00:15:07,601 --> 00:15:09,079
Terry.
318
00:15:09,080 --> 00:15:11,559
LAUGHTER
319
00:15:11,560 --> 00:15:13,358
What play would you like to do?
320
00:15:13,359 --> 00:15:14,158
Mamma Mia!
321
00:15:14,159 --> 00:15:15,278
Marley & Me!
322
00:15:15,279 --> 00:15:16,240
Avatar!
323
00:15:16,241 --> 00:15:17,999
They're all films, not plays.
324
00:15:18,000 --> 00:15:19,360
Stuart Little?
325
00:15:19,361 --> 00:15:24,759
I saw a play once, it were in
German, think it was about a lesbian
326
00:15:24,760 --> 00:15:27,399
trying to hang a curtain
over a broken window.
327
00:15:27,400 --> 00:15:29,800
Lasted three hours.
It were fucking brilliant.
328
00:15:29,801 --> 00:15:31,279
We're not doing that.
329
00:15:31,280 --> 00:15:33,919
What do you think we should do?
330
00:15:33,920 --> 00:15:36,600
What was the last play you saw?
331
00:15:38,720 --> 00:15:40,040
Nativity?
332
00:15:42,000 --> 00:15:44,839
What d'you have to say that for?
333
00:15:44,840 --> 00:15:47,119
Christmas is ages away!
334
00:15:47,120 --> 00:15:50,359
That was the last play I saw. It was
the last play I was in at school.
335
00:15:50,360 --> 00:15:52,399
I was the innkeeper.
336
00:15:52,400 --> 00:15:54,960
Were you any good?
337
00:15:59,880 --> 00:16:02,479
(There's no room at the inn.)
338
00:16:02,480 --> 00:16:04,399
Go on.
339
00:16:04,400 --> 00:16:07,719
Go on!
340
00:16:07,720 --> 00:16:09,600
I was...
341
00:16:10,840 --> 00:16:12,640
brilliant.
342
00:16:14,160 --> 00:16:15,440
Just gonna go for a slash.
343
00:16:24,480 --> 00:16:26,560
Whoa! What d'ya want?
What're you doing?!
344
00:16:28,400 --> 00:16:31,200
Not what I want,
what I can give you.
345
00:16:31,201 --> 00:16:34,200
The best suck-off you've ever had.
346
00:16:39,400 --> 00:16:41,680
All right...
347
00:16:44,000 --> 00:16:45,359
stud?
348
00:16:45,360 --> 00:16:46,480
Wait, listen.
349
00:16:48,840 --> 00:16:50,118
Whoa Whoa, you don't want me!
350
00:16:50,119 --> 00:16:51,680
Yeah, I do.
351
00:16:51,681 --> 00:16:53,399
Just get off, will ya!
352
00:16:53,400 --> 00:16:54,880
I don't care if it's little.
353
00:16:54,881 --> 00:16:56,199
Eh...
354
00:16:56,200 --> 00:16:59,919
It's like a baby's arm
holding an apple, right?
355
00:16:59,920 --> 00:17:02,239
Un-hard. Stop!
356
00:17:02,240 --> 00:17:03,440
You want to do it here?
357
00:17:03,441 --> 00:17:05,039
Right now?
358
00:17:05,040 --> 00:17:05,920
Casino first.
359
00:17:05,921 --> 00:17:09,639
Then we'll do whatever you want...
360
00:17:09,640 --> 00:17:11,360
sugar lips.
361
00:17:16,880 --> 00:17:18,080
Don't you fancy me?
362
00:17:18,081 --> 00:17:19,960
No.
363
00:17:23,760 --> 00:17:24,959
I do.
364
00:17:24,960 --> 00:17:28,039
You'd let me suck you off
if you really thought I was pretty.
365
00:17:28,040 --> 00:17:29,200
You are pretty!
366
00:17:29,201 --> 00:17:30,720
It's just...
367
00:17:31,920 --> 00:17:34,639
I'm not the right man
for you, Lise.
368
00:17:34,640 --> 00:17:35,760
I'm no good.
369
00:17:37,440 --> 00:17:40,479
I'm useless.
370
00:17:40,480 --> 00:17:41,720
'Waste of space.
371
00:17:41,721 --> 00:17:43,439
'Lazy, pathetic, pointless.'
372
00:17:43,440 --> 00:17:45,279
Never amount to anything.
373
00:17:45,280 --> 00:17:46,760
What are you for, Mickey?
374
00:17:46,761 --> 00:17:48,960
What the fuck are you for?
375
00:17:53,240 --> 00:17:59,199
You need someone that won't let you
down, someone who's dependable.
376
00:17:59,200 --> 00:18:00,840
A real man like...
377
00:18:02,280 --> 00:18:03,639
like Terry.
378
00:18:03,640 --> 00:18:05,039
Terry?!
379
00:18:05,040 --> 00:18:06,559
Oh, big time.
380
00:18:06,560 --> 00:18:09,079
I've seen the way
he looks at you and that.
381
00:18:09,080 --> 00:18:11,279
He'd look after you as well.
382
00:18:11,280 --> 00:18:15,839
Y'know, he's a real man, a protector.
383
00:18:15,840 --> 00:18:19,479
He'd pick you up,
384
00:18:19,480 --> 00:18:20,920
in his arms.
385
00:18:23,480 --> 00:18:26,320
And everyone would watch
as he carried you...
386
00:18:27,560 --> 00:18:30,639
in his big, strong arms.
387
00:18:30,640 --> 00:18:33,199
With your head leant
against his chest,
388
00:18:33,200 --> 00:18:35,199
his rock-hard ripped and cut chest,
389
00:18:35,200 --> 00:18:39,440
pecs like stone,
nipples like wheelnuts.
390
00:18:40,360 --> 00:18:43,559
The heat of him,
his breath on your face,
391
00:18:43,560 --> 00:18:46,359
his heart beating
through his solid chest,
392
00:18:46,360 --> 00:18:47,879
as he holds you tight,
393
00:18:47,880 --> 00:18:52,440
being held close and tight.
394
00:18:55,240 --> 00:18:56,840
So, you're gay.
395
00:18:58,640 --> 00:19:02,919
Look, wait!
Don't say owt, will you?
396
00:19:02,920 --> 00:19:04,400
Keep it between the two of us?
397
00:19:06,720 --> 00:19:08,240
Your secret's safe with me.
398
00:19:12,000 --> 00:19:13,879
We won't say a word either.
399
00:19:13,880 --> 00:19:18,600
I won't, as long as you don't tell
anyone I've got Downs Syndrome.
400
00:19:21,600 --> 00:19:23,760
Deal.
401
00:19:37,080 --> 00:19:40,119
Been years since I did a burglary.
402
00:19:40,120 --> 00:19:42,640
We all used to do it together,
me, Paddy, the kids.
403
00:19:43,800 --> 00:19:45,280
Proper family stuff.
404
00:19:45,281 --> 00:19:47,199
Happy days.
405
00:19:47,200 --> 00:19:50,159
It was always a
bit of a turn-on for me.
406
00:19:50,160 --> 00:19:54,400
I'm getting a bit of a wide-on now.
Job first, though. Come on.
407
00:19:58,680 --> 00:20:00,479
We all have skills, right?
408
00:20:00,480 --> 00:20:03,239
I'm great on post codes.
Name a place.
409
00:20:03,240 --> 00:20:04,799
Go on, test me.
Test me!
410
00:20:04,800 --> 00:20:07,199
Chester Zoo?
411
00:20:07,200 --> 00:20:08,240
CH2.
412
00:20:08,241 --> 00:20:10,239
Blackpool Pleasure Beach?!
413
00:20:10,240 --> 00:20:11,759
FY4.
414
00:20:11,760 --> 00:20:13,879
Brilliant!
Buckingham Palace?!
415
00:20:13,880 --> 00:20:15,679
Yeah, all right! Fuckin' 'ell!
416
00:20:15,680 --> 00:20:18,839
I know every word to Gladiator,
but it won't make us a million.
417
00:20:18,840 --> 00:20:20,519
SW1 1AA.
418
00:20:20,520 --> 00:20:21,160
Ssh!
419
00:20:21,161 --> 00:20:22,479
Sorry.
420
00:20:22,480 --> 00:20:25,799
Number boy's skills, however,
are a different kettle of fish.
421
00:20:25,800 --> 00:20:28,079
A kettle of fish?
422
00:20:28,080 --> 00:20:30,159
Limo. Casino.
423
00:20:30,160 --> 00:20:31,639
Let's go to work.
424
00:20:31,640 --> 00:20:33,440
♪ THEME FROM RESERVOIR DOGS
425
00:21:52,160 --> 00:21:53,680
Hit me!
426
00:22:06,520 --> 00:22:09,119
He's fucking useless!
Lost every fucking penny!
427
00:22:09,120 --> 00:22:11,080
He told me he was great with numbers!
428
00:22:11,081 --> 00:22:14,359
0808 157 2020.
429
00:22:14,360 --> 00:22:15,480
Pizza delivery!
430
00:22:15,481 --> 00:22:17,879
I'm on about cards, Raymond!
Fucking cards!
431
00:22:17,880 --> 00:22:19,718
You can't even count
to 21, you prick!
432
00:22:19,719 --> 00:22:20,998
Hit me!
433
00:22:20,999 --> 00:22:22,160
Don't tempt me!
434
00:22:22,161 --> 00:22:25,959
What was all that
"400 windows, 70 doors" bollocks?!
435
00:22:25,960 --> 00:22:28,118
Every day I have a smoke
out the back and I...
436
00:22:28,119 --> 00:22:29,358
Count it all.
437
00:22:29,359 --> 00:22:30,920
Stops me getting bored.
438
00:22:32,000 --> 00:22:33,160
Can we have sex now?
439
00:22:33,161 --> 00:22:34,919
Unbelievable.
440
00:22:34,920 --> 00:22:39,799
I believe there was a
rehearsal here last night.
441
00:22:39,800 --> 00:22:43,439
A rehearsal without
an appropriate leader, I.e. you!
442
00:22:43,440 --> 00:22:45,639
We went to the casino.
443
00:22:45,640 --> 00:22:50,559
Well, there won't be any more
rehearsals, not now, not ever.
444
00:22:50,560 --> 00:22:54,799
The building is closed
until further notice.
445
00:22:54,800 --> 00:22:57,279
You can't do that.
446
00:22:57,280 --> 00:22:58,759
Can, and have.
447
00:22:58,760 --> 00:23:01,720
And what's it got to do
with the talking sex doll?
448
00:23:02,840 --> 00:23:05,399
You can't shut the building!
449
00:23:05,400 --> 00:23:06,680
I can and I have.
450
00:23:06,681 --> 00:23:08,560
Health and safety.
451
00:23:10,960 --> 00:23:14,999
If Lise continues to insist that
she didn't push me down the stairs,
452
00:23:15,000 --> 00:23:18,119
then I must have slipped
and the building closes
453
00:23:18,120 --> 00:23:23,319
until the Health and Safety
Executives have investigated.
454
00:23:23,320 --> 00:23:25,440
Thank you! Mum?
455
00:23:27,080 --> 00:23:28,959
Oh, and don't forget,
456
00:23:28,960 --> 00:23:33,959
no play, no community service!
457
00:23:33,960 --> 00:23:37,320
Bye-bye, outside,
hello, Strangeways.
458
00:23:41,320 --> 00:23:43,559
You've no sense of
a dramatic exit, have you?
459
00:23:43,560 --> 00:23:44,520
Brake's stuck, sorry.
460
00:23:44,521 --> 00:23:45,560
Here y'are.
461
00:23:52,440 --> 00:23:55,239
I'd walk away from them if I could,
the play and everything,
462
00:23:55,240 --> 00:23:57,439
if it meant I weren't
walking towards prison.
463
00:23:57,440 --> 00:23:58,720
Thanks a lot.
464
00:23:58,721 --> 00:24:00,519
No offence,
465
00:24:00,520 --> 00:24:04,919
it's just we've got a few rivals
inside at the moment, y'know.
466
00:24:04,920 --> 00:24:06,680
Wouldn't be much of a holiday for me.
467
00:24:06,681 --> 00:24:09,119
I could tell them I pushed her.
468
00:24:09,120 --> 00:24:09,998
No.
469
00:24:09,999 --> 00:24:11,800
She'd let us back into the building.
470
00:24:11,801 --> 00:24:13,479
She won't, she's an evil bitch.
471
00:24:13,480 --> 00:24:14,718
That must be destroyed!
472
00:24:14,719 --> 00:24:16,000
Steady on.
473
00:24:16,001 --> 00:24:17,479
Sorry.
474
00:24:17,480 --> 00:24:19,518
We can find somewhere
else for the play.
475
00:24:19,519 --> 00:24:21,438
And keep Mickey out of Sing Sing.
476
00:24:21,439 --> 00:24:22,680
Where?
477
00:24:22,681 --> 00:24:25,879
You two are all over each other
like a tic on a tramp's vest.
478
00:24:25,880 --> 00:24:27,359
What's the secret?
479
00:24:27,360 --> 00:24:30,279
We've discovered
the secret to happiness.
480
00:24:30,280 --> 00:24:33,239
White wine and Night Nurse?
481
00:24:33,240 --> 00:24:35,198
Doing something together
we both enjoy.
482
00:24:35,199 --> 00:24:36,358
D'you fancy doing it again?
483
00:24:36,359 --> 00:24:37,400
Tonight?
484
00:24:40,560 --> 00:24:42,838
You know I'm only using the play
as a ruse, right?
485
00:24:42,839 --> 00:24:43,880
Oh, yeah? Yeah.
486
00:24:43,881 --> 00:24:46,079
I'm training 'em up, aren't I?
487
00:24:46,080 --> 00:24:48,119
Think about it.
488
00:24:48,120 --> 00:24:50,919
They'll be
the best drug dealers in the world.
489
00:24:50,920 --> 00:24:52,359
Methodical, practical.
490
00:24:52,360 --> 00:24:55,239
They won't use the produce
and the best thing is,
491
00:24:55,240 --> 00:24:56,879
the filth won't suspect them.
492
00:24:56,880 --> 00:24:58,520
Look at 'em.
493
00:25:00,440 --> 00:25:03,879
What the fuck's this?
Attack of the...
494
00:25:03,880 --> 00:25:05,959
Bollocks! You smelly old tramp.
495
00:25:05,960 --> 00:25:10,079
It's time we started
standing up for ourselves.
496
00:25:10,080 --> 00:25:11,160
Fucking set of...
497
00:25:13,880 --> 00:25:15,839
Before you say owt,
498
00:25:15,840 --> 00:25:18,199
I know they're going to kill me,
one day.
499
00:25:18,200 --> 00:25:20,840
It's not you I'm worried about,
it's your baby.
500
00:25:23,000 --> 00:25:24,920
Your baby doesn't have a choice.
501
00:25:26,080 --> 00:25:28,479
I'm not pregnant, sweetheart!
502
00:25:28,480 --> 00:25:32,319
Trapped wind
and a little bit of heartburn.
503
00:25:32,320 --> 00:25:33,919
Always going to the toilet.
504
00:25:33,920 --> 00:25:35,280
You're having a baby.
505
00:25:37,080 --> 00:25:38,479
Great news!
506
00:25:38,480 --> 00:25:39,920
Great news.
507
00:25:41,040 --> 00:25:44,079
Jamie has said that we can rehearse
and put the show on in here,
508
00:25:44,080 --> 00:25:46,479
providing...
509
00:25:46,480 --> 00:25:48,800
you lot run a few errands for him.
510
00:25:50,960 --> 00:25:52,000
ã10 each, yeah?
511
00:25:52,001 --> 00:25:54,559
And we'll invite a few heads
from the council,
512
00:25:54,560 --> 00:25:56,479
see if we can get a bit of funding
513
00:25:56,480 --> 00:26:01,040
and then we can open our very own
centre right here in the Chatsworth!
514
00:26:04,240 --> 00:26:05,440
Or somewhere else?
515
00:26:05,441 --> 00:26:07,880
(ALL) Yeah!
516
00:26:09,240 --> 00:26:11,719
Now come on,
you little band of biffers!
517
00:26:11,720 --> 00:26:13,759
You wanker! Fuck off, wanker!
518
00:26:13,760 --> 00:26:15,800
Cock off!
519
00:26:21,840 --> 00:26:23,440
Do you think this is gonna work?
520
00:26:23,441 --> 00:26:24,959
It has to.
521
00:26:24,960 --> 00:26:27,879
Not just for me freedom,
but also...
522
00:26:27,880 --> 00:26:31,080
to show those snide fuckers round
here, always taking the piss.
523
00:26:40,320 --> 00:26:43,680
INAUDIBLE
524
00:26:50,440 --> 00:26:52,439
Are you sure about this?
525
00:26:52,440 --> 00:26:54,479
Yes!
526
00:26:54,480 --> 00:26:56,519
But in the Bible,
527
00:26:56,520 --> 00:26:59,199
Joseph didn't saw anyone in half.
528
00:26:59,200 --> 00:27:01,239
It's artistic license.
529
00:27:01,240 --> 00:27:04,919
It doesn't say that he didn't
saw anyone in half.
530
00:27:04,920 --> 00:27:09,319
And he was a joiner,
so he'd have had saws and shit,
531
00:27:09,320 --> 00:27:11,439
and maybe a bit of curiosity.
532
00:27:11,440 --> 00:27:13,160
Trust me!
533
00:27:15,520 --> 00:27:17,440
It's a boy.
534
00:27:19,440 --> 00:27:21,639
I'm not pregnant.
535
00:27:21,640 --> 00:27:23,519
The ring never lies.
536
00:27:23,520 --> 00:27:24,600
It's a boy.
537
00:27:25,960 --> 00:27:27,839
My husband is infertile.
538
00:27:27,840 --> 00:27:29,760
Oh.
539
00:27:31,280 --> 00:27:32,959
Funny.
540
00:27:32,960 --> 00:27:36,040
But if you've only been having
sex with your husband...
541
00:27:45,640 --> 00:27:48,920
Guess this isn't just about
the paint on my carpet?
542
00:27:52,920 --> 00:27:55,639
Want a bit of help, sweetheart?
543
00:27:55,640 --> 00:27:57,400
Cost you.
544
00:27:58,840 --> 00:28:01,118
What happened to the milk of human
kindness?
545
00:28:01,119 --> 00:28:02,520
Turned to cheese.
546
00:28:02,521 --> 00:28:04,999
20 quid an hour ... all the help
you need.
547
00:28:05,000 --> 00:28:07,440
One part white spirit
and two parts water...
548
00:28:07,441 --> 00:28:09,200
shift that in next to no time.
549
00:28:20,040 --> 00:28:24,159
OK, I'm not a big believer in
miracles, especially not round here,
550
00:28:24,160 --> 00:28:26,800
so we can rule out another immaculate
conception...
551
00:28:28,200 --> 00:28:30,000
and Shane's infertile.
552
00:28:33,080 --> 00:28:35,280
It's Marty.
553
00:28:38,240 --> 00:28:40,759
You never go bareback!
554
00:28:40,760 --> 00:28:42,720
It wasn't business.
It was more than that.
555
00:28:42,721 --> 00:28:44,639
Are you sure?
556
00:28:44,640 --> 00:28:47,719
What happens when it all turns
to shit?
557
00:28:47,720 --> 00:28:50,159
What am I gonna do?
558
00:28:50,160 --> 00:28:52,119
We can sort this, yeah.
559
00:28:52,120 --> 00:28:55,159
I'm not getting rid of it.
This is all we've...
560
00:28:55,160 --> 00:29:00,639
Me and Shane, it's all we've
ever wanted and...
561
00:29:00,640 --> 00:29:03,240
PHONE RINGS
562
00:29:04,720 --> 00:29:06,120
I can't tell him.
563
00:29:06,121 --> 00:29:09,679
Well, you're gonna have to tell
him something.
564
00:29:09,680 --> 00:29:11,319
I can't!
565
00:29:11,320 --> 00:29:14,000
He's gonna find out sooner or later.
566
00:29:44,440 --> 00:29:47,039
Watch yourself, Rain Man!
567
00:29:47,040 --> 00:29:48,919
What do you think?
568
00:29:48,920 --> 00:29:49,840
Perfect!
569
00:29:55,560 --> 00:29:56,879
What?
570
00:29:56,880 --> 00:29:59,439
Why don't you just talk to Terry?
571
00:29:59,440 --> 00:30:01,439
I know he likes you.
572
00:30:01,440 --> 00:30:03,279
It's not that easy.
573
00:30:03,280 --> 00:30:04,880
It was all right for you to barge in
to the bogs and offer me a gob-job!
574
00:30:04,881 --> 00:30:07,079
That was just sex.
575
00:30:07,080 --> 00:30:08,919
It's different with Terry.
576
00:30:08,920 --> 00:30:10,400
I don't know what I feel.
577
00:30:12,760 --> 00:30:16,040
Sometimes it's hard to tell someone
what's really going on.
578
00:30:18,480 --> 00:30:20,199
Hey, I've been ringing you.
579
00:30:20,200 --> 00:30:23,359
Oh, right. Sorry, my phone's been
on silent for rehearsals.
580
00:30:23,360 --> 00:30:24,638
Have you finished?
581
00:30:24,639 --> 00:30:25,960
We've only just started.
582
00:30:25,961 --> 00:30:28,959
I've got a job. You gonna be all
right? I can't take her with me.
583
00:30:28,960 --> 00:30:30,719
It's too dangerous.
584
00:30:30,720 --> 00:30:32,599
(CRIES)
585
00:30:32,600 --> 00:30:34,000
She can be the baby Jesus.
586
00:30:41,000 --> 00:30:42,519
My only concern now
587
00:30:42,520 --> 00:30:45,399
is getting a crowd in to see it ...
an audience, you know.
588
00:30:45,400 --> 00:30:47,999
I mean, who's going to want
to come and see this lot
589
00:30:48,000 --> 00:30:50,839
do the Nativity when it's not
even Christmas?
590
00:30:50,840 --> 00:30:52,759
Why can't it be Christmas?
591
00:30:52,760 --> 00:30:55,760
Tills are always bursting.
I love Christmas!
592
00:31:15,560 --> 00:31:16,439
Ow!
593
00:31:16,440 --> 00:31:18,839
I'm sorry! You all right?
594
00:31:18,840 --> 00:31:20,479
I've twisted me knee!
595
00:31:20,480 --> 00:31:22,639
Ow! It needs support.
596
00:31:22,640 --> 00:31:24,600
I need a bandage.
597
00:31:28,760 --> 00:31:29,720
Ohhh!
598
00:31:36,360 --> 00:31:37,799
Oww!
599
00:31:37,800 --> 00:31:40,079
I'm sorry!
600
00:31:40,080 --> 00:31:42,400
Will it be OK?
601
00:31:46,160 --> 00:31:47,759
"It hasn't got an alarm."
602
00:31:47,760 --> 00:31:50,559
But instead, it's got a private
security company
603
00:31:50,560 --> 00:31:52,279
with a direct link to the filth.
604
00:31:52,280 --> 00:31:53,679
Perfect!
605
00:31:53,680 --> 00:31:55,120
They'll send me down for this!
606
00:31:55,121 --> 00:31:56,359
Oh, grow up.
607
00:31:56,360 --> 00:31:58,160
I can't go to prison. I'm too young!
608
00:31:58,161 --> 00:32:01,279
We'll get our brief on to it,
be away on some technicality.
609
00:32:01,280 --> 00:32:02,559
Don't worry!
610
00:32:02,560 --> 00:32:03,960
What if we don't?
611
00:32:03,961 --> 00:32:08,200
I'll pack you some lube.
Pretty boy like you.
612
00:32:17,000 --> 00:32:19,200
Dozy bastard.
613
00:32:37,200 --> 00:32:38,638
We should've gone back to the car.
614
00:32:38,639 --> 00:32:39,920
He would have seen us.
615
00:32:39,921 --> 00:32:42,239
Ring Shane or someone.
616
00:32:42,240 --> 00:32:44,520
Ask them to pick us up.
Where's your phone?
617
00:32:44,521 --> 00:32:46,439
In the car.
618
00:32:46,440 --> 00:32:48,079
Where's your phone?
619
00:32:48,080 --> 00:32:49,800
In the car.
620
00:32:51,920 --> 00:32:54,079
Fuck! What are we gonna do?
621
00:32:54,080 --> 00:32:55,560
I dunno.
622
00:32:57,240 --> 00:32:58,959
Paddy'd know what to do.
623
00:32:58,960 --> 00:33:01,079
He would. One clever fuck that one,
624
00:33:01,080 --> 00:33:05,159
great under pressure ... always
thinking on his feet, you know.
625
00:33:05,160 --> 00:33:06,560
Well, that's the answer!
626
00:33:06,561 --> 00:33:09,080
Do a fucking seance and ask Paddy
what to do!
627
00:33:14,880 --> 00:33:16,160
Sorry.
628
00:33:18,080 --> 00:33:19,280
Nah, I'm sorry.
629
00:33:21,000 --> 00:33:25,839
Right, we can't get a cab, we can't
hitch a lift, not with these, so...
630
00:33:25,840 --> 00:33:27,279
We'll walk.
631
00:33:27,280 --> 00:33:30,119
We can't, it's too risky.
Filth are looking for us.
632
00:33:30,120 --> 00:33:32,880
We need somewhere to lay low
till morning.
633
00:33:46,360 --> 00:33:48,559
We shouldn't be doing this.
634
00:33:48,560 --> 00:33:50,079
It's a church.
635
00:33:50,080 --> 00:33:51,559
Hardly.
636
00:33:51,560 --> 00:33:53,399
It's one of God's houses.
637
00:33:53,400 --> 00:33:56,279
Hasn't paid his council tax
by looks of it.
638
00:33:56,280 --> 00:33:57,360
That's blasphemous!
639
00:33:57,361 --> 00:34:01,359
What, it's all right to break into
offices and nick stuff,
640
00:34:01,360 --> 00:34:04,279
but it's not all right to
walk into an unlocked church?!
641
00:34:04,280 --> 00:34:06,799
I've got morals.
642
00:34:06,800 --> 00:34:11,079
Doesn't look like it's in use
now anyway. Come on.
643
00:34:11,080 --> 00:34:12,639
What are you doing?
644
00:34:12,640 --> 00:34:13,840
Looking.
645
00:34:13,841 --> 00:34:15,079
For what?
646
00:34:15,080 --> 00:34:17,399
A saw or something to get these off.
647
00:34:17,400 --> 00:34:20,519
Oh, yeah, always get a saw
in a church.
648
00:34:20,520 --> 00:34:22,519
Drink this. It's the blood of Christ.
649
00:34:22,520 --> 00:34:23,879
This is his body...
650
00:34:23,880 --> 00:34:25,719
This is his saw.
651
00:34:25,720 --> 00:34:28,439
What then? Since you think you're
the brains of the outfit!
652
00:34:28,440 --> 00:34:29,718
I am the brains of the outfit!
653
00:34:29,719 --> 00:34:31,080
What am I then?
654
00:34:31,081 --> 00:34:34,079
A piece of meat? A fuck machine?!
655
00:34:34,080 --> 00:34:35,879
Have a bit of respect.
656
00:34:35,880 --> 00:34:38,079
Swearing in a place of worship!
657
00:34:38,080 --> 00:34:40,200
I don't give a shit.
658
00:34:41,640 --> 00:34:42,800
Oh, hang on...
659
00:34:47,640 --> 00:34:49,360
Oh, thank you, God.
660
00:34:55,200 --> 00:34:57,359
Copper chopper.
661
00:34:57,360 --> 00:34:59,439
Pigs will fly.
662
00:34:59,440 --> 00:35:01,079
Come on, hurry up!
663
00:35:01,080 --> 00:35:02,280
I'm going as fast as I can.
664
00:35:02,281 --> 00:35:03,639
We'll be here forever!
665
00:35:03,640 --> 00:35:06,080
It'd go quicker if I sawed
through your wrist.
666
00:35:06,081 --> 00:35:08,079
You're going to hell, you.
667
00:35:08,080 --> 00:35:09,360
What, and you're not?
668
00:35:09,361 --> 00:35:13,319
I pray, I repent,
I go to confession.
669
00:35:13,320 --> 00:35:16,439
I don't get why you
believe in all that shit.
670
00:35:16,440 --> 00:35:18,440
After everything I've been through?
671
00:35:25,280 --> 00:35:28,519
I have to believe my dead children
are in a better place,
672
00:35:28,520 --> 00:35:30,839
because if I thought this was it,
673
00:35:30,840 --> 00:35:34,920
that life was just this,
with nothing at the end...
674
00:35:37,200 --> 00:35:38,560
then I'd just give up.
675
00:35:49,720 --> 00:35:54,719
Maybe you need to start
looking at "this"
676
00:35:54,720 --> 00:35:56,000
a bit differently.
677
00:35:56,001 --> 00:35:57,839
That was then.
678
00:35:57,840 --> 00:35:59,640
This is now.
679
00:36:01,000 --> 00:36:03,560
You, me and Cilla.
680
00:36:31,160 --> 00:36:33,680
Kinda liked having you by me side.
681
00:36:36,360 --> 00:36:38,520
Maybe we should make it
more permanent.
682
00:36:38,521 --> 00:36:39,919
You having a laugh?
683
00:36:39,920 --> 00:36:42,560
No. Will you marry me?
684
00:36:58,880 --> 00:37:03,200
♪ I wish it could
be Christmas every day... ♪
685
00:37:08,960 --> 00:37:10,999
Everyone all right?
686
00:37:11,000 --> 00:37:12,319
How are you doing?
687
00:37:12,320 --> 00:37:13,480
Nervous?
688
00:37:14,800 --> 00:37:16,158
I've still not had a shag!
689
00:37:16,159 --> 00:37:18,120
Who the fuck are you supposed to be?
690
00:37:18,121 --> 00:37:21,239
Inn keeper.
691
00:37:21,240 --> 00:37:23,239
I've still not shagged a woman yet.
692
00:37:23,240 --> 00:37:25,039
What's with all the blue paint?
693
00:37:25,040 --> 00:37:27,840
Oh, I get it,
it's fucking Avatar, in't it?
694
00:37:29,080 --> 00:37:30,280
Avatar inn keeper!
695
00:37:30,281 --> 00:37:31,760
But there's...
696
00:37:33,480 --> 00:37:34,560
Never mind.
697
00:37:35,840 --> 00:37:39,519
Terry, I wanted a word with you
about the last scene.
698
00:37:39,520 --> 00:37:44,479
I know we've not rehearsed it, but
Joseph should kiss Mary at the end.
699
00:37:44,480 --> 00:37:46,440
It's Lise's idea.
700
00:37:50,680 --> 00:37:54,440
But in the Bible Mary
and Joseph don't kiss.
701
00:37:56,760 --> 00:37:59,879
But it doesn't say
they didn't either.
702
00:37:59,880 --> 00:38:02,319
They probably did a lot
more besides kissing.
703
00:38:02,320 --> 00:38:04,439
You're up the duff
and it's not your husbands,
704
00:38:04,440 --> 00:38:08,159
you'll have to do more than kissing
to make him sweet, aren't you?
705
00:38:08,160 --> 00:38:09,720
You know what I mean.
706
00:38:10,880 --> 00:38:12,679
Think about it.
707
00:38:12,680 --> 00:38:15,439
Mary's giving Joseph a blow-job?
708
00:38:15,440 --> 00:38:17,159
Well, no! Not in our play.
709
00:38:17,160 --> 00:38:20,320
Maybe after, who knows?
But just a kiss for now?
710
00:38:23,240 --> 00:38:25,040
Never mind.
711
00:38:30,240 --> 00:38:33,519
Lise? I've just had a chat with Terry
712
00:38:33,520 --> 00:38:38,239
and he's come up with this great idea
that Mary and Joseph kiss at the end.
713
00:38:38,240 --> 00:38:40,360
All his idea.
714
00:38:45,560 --> 00:38:46,839
Like a dream.
715
00:38:46,840 --> 00:38:50,519
Call an ambulance! He's passed out.
716
00:38:50,520 --> 00:38:52,039
It must've been the paint!
717
00:38:52,040 --> 00:38:55,279
Don't worry Mickey, leave him to us.
718
00:38:55,280 --> 00:38:57,079
Fucking hell, Ches. Come on.
719
00:38:57,080 --> 00:39:00,399
You'll need a new inn keeper
now, Mickey.
720
00:39:00,400 --> 00:39:03,839
He's not gonna be up to doing the
show. What are you gonna do?
721
00:39:03,840 --> 00:39:05,440
Michael Maguire?
722
00:39:06,760 --> 00:39:07,478
Depends.
723
00:39:07,479 --> 00:39:09,240
We spoke earlier...
I'm from the council.
724
00:39:09,241 --> 00:39:10,999
Brilliant! Innit?
725
00:39:11,000 --> 00:39:12,319
Oh, yeah... Great!
726
00:39:12,320 --> 00:39:16,119
We're so chuffed you could come,
you'll see what this group have done
727
00:39:16,120 --> 00:39:18,799
and maybe bung 'em some cash
to get their own centre.
728
00:39:18,800 --> 00:39:22,119
I'm the Health and Safety Executive.
There'll be no performance
729
00:39:22,120 --> 00:39:24,679
on these premises.
The set has to be fire-proofed,
730
00:39:24,680 --> 00:39:29,079
there are no fire exit signs
displayed, a risk of overcrowding.
731
00:39:29,080 --> 00:39:31,879
But this lot have got
a performance in less than an hour!
732
00:39:31,880 --> 00:39:33,480
Well, you have to cancel.
733
00:39:34,720 --> 00:39:38,079
Notification of intention
to prosecute if you fail to abide.
734
00:39:38,080 --> 00:39:39,920
Cancel.
735
00:39:41,000 --> 00:39:44,519
That's that then.
No stage, no inn keeper...
736
00:39:44,520 --> 00:39:46,080
no show.
737
00:39:51,560 --> 00:39:55,359
I've not worked my bollocks
off for nothing.
738
00:39:55,360 --> 00:39:57,400
We are doing it.
739
00:40:12,560 --> 00:40:16,159
Bugger off, can't you see
it's the second coming?
740
00:40:16,160 --> 00:40:18,920
Stupid, what are you doing? Hey! Hey!
741
00:40:22,240 --> 00:40:28,359
All of the hotels,
and the pubs are all full.
742
00:40:28,360 --> 00:40:31,359
Man United must be playing!
743
00:40:31,360 --> 00:40:36,360
This is the last inn for miles.
744
00:40:42,240 --> 00:40:43,840
KNOCK AT DOOR
745
00:40:45,920 --> 00:40:47,960
LAUGHTER
746
00:40:55,160 --> 00:40:56,999
Hello.
747
00:40:57,000 --> 00:41:00,919
My wife is with child.
748
00:41:00,920 --> 00:41:03,799
We need a bed for the night.
749
00:41:03,800 --> 00:41:09,280
Do you have room at your inn?
750
00:41:20,760 --> 00:41:21,880
Go on.
751
00:41:28,920 --> 00:41:32,680
Do you have room at your inn?
752
00:41:35,520 --> 00:41:37,440
Go on.
753
00:41:39,800 --> 00:41:42,240
We haven't got any room, I'm sorry.
754
00:41:44,560 --> 00:41:45,400
Gutted.
755
00:41:48,200 --> 00:41:50,320
I tell you what, though.
756
00:41:53,360 --> 00:41:56,839
We've got a, sort of,
stable round there.
757
00:41:56,840 --> 00:41:58,760
You can have that if you want?
758
00:42:00,280 --> 00:42:01,480
Thank you, sir.
759
00:42:01,481 --> 00:42:04,479
Thank you for your kindness.
760
00:42:04,480 --> 00:42:05,720
Nice one.
761
00:42:10,240 --> 00:42:14,280
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
762
00:42:21,960 --> 00:42:22,920
KNOCK AT DOOR
763
00:42:22,921 --> 00:42:25,239
I've already told you,
we haven't got any room.
764
00:42:25,240 --> 00:42:26,520
The bizzies are after us.
765
00:42:26,521 --> 00:42:28,200
Get in.
766
00:42:35,040 --> 00:42:37,640
Will you marry me?
767
00:42:42,240 --> 00:42:44,640
SHE SCREAMS
768
00:42:49,840 --> 00:42:54,159
It's like squeezing a bowling ball
through the eye of a fucking needle!
769
00:42:54,160 --> 00:42:55,960
Hardly.
770
00:43:04,560 --> 00:43:06,560
I'm not going to the hospital
till I've got a shag!
771
00:43:06,561 --> 00:43:08,559
Don't look at me.
772
00:43:08,560 --> 00:43:10,080
Or me.
773
00:43:10,081 --> 00:43:12,839
♪ There's a place for us
774
00:43:12,840 --> 00:43:18,999
♪ Somewhere a place for us
775
00:43:19,000 --> 00:43:26,359
♪ Peace and quiet and open air
776
00:43:26,360 --> 00:43:31,520
♪ Wait for us, somewhere
777
00:43:33,000 --> 00:43:39,119
♪ There's a time for us... ♪
778
00:43:39,120 --> 00:43:42,279
'There is magic everywhere.
But only if you believe.
779
00:43:42,280 --> 00:43:46,199
'That's what people say, innit?
You know they type of people.
780
00:43:46,200 --> 00:43:48,839
'They go on about star signs,
angels and shit.
781
00:43:48,840 --> 00:43:52,479
'You have DVD box sets of Friends
and they cry at greeting cards.
782
00:43:52,480 --> 00:43:54,919
'But they're usually single.
783
00:43:54,920 --> 00:43:57,759
'You won't find magic with a bunch
of weekend hippies
784
00:43:57,760 --> 00:43:59,920
'at Glastonbury
squatting on lay-lines.
785
00:43:59,921 --> 00:44:02,079
Yeah, they've all got
tattoos and crystals.'
786
00:44:02,080 --> 00:44:03,400
♪ Some place
787
00:44:03,401 --> 00:44:07,119
♪ Somewhere... ♪
788
00:44:07,120 --> 00:44:10,319
'If you want real magic you
go to Creamfields with a spliff,
789
00:44:10,320 --> 00:44:14,199
'a bag of pills in one hand
a bag of mushrooms in the other.'
790
00:44:14,200 --> 00:44:18,640
♪ We'll find a way of forgiving
791
00:44:21,000 --> 00:44:22,960
♪ Somewhere... ♪
792
00:44:28,160 --> 00:44:31,119
That was all right, that.
For a dickhead.
793
00:44:31,120 --> 00:44:36,279
'The real secret is,
you have to work hard for magic.
794
00:44:36,280 --> 00:44:38,439
'It's not handed to you on a plate.'
795
00:44:38,440 --> 00:44:39,878
Mickey Maguire?
796
00:44:39,879 --> 00:44:41,640
'The universe
don't give a flying fuck
797
00:44:41,641 --> 00:44:43,800
'about your pissy
little existence.'
798
00:44:46,080 --> 00:44:47,519
Mam!
799
00:44:47,520 --> 00:44:50,679
♪ Hold my hand
and we're halfway there
800
00:44:50,680 --> 00:44:54,559
♪ Hold my hand
and I'll take you there... ♪
801
00:44:54,560 --> 00:44:58,359
'Close the book, stop chanting,
ringing your bells
802
00:44:58,360 --> 00:45:02,199
'and open your eyes. You want magic?
Make it fucking happen, then!'
803
00:45:02,200 --> 00:45:04,999
♪ Somewhere!
804
00:45:05,000 --> 00:45:07,320
♪ Somewhere! ♪
805
00:45:09,120 --> 00:45:11,959
Billy Tutton is doing me
the honour of making me his wife.
806
00:45:11,960 --> 00:45:14,879
A match made in Jeremy Kyle
ratings heaven.
807
00:45:14,880 --> 00:45:15,600
I didn't get rid of it.
808
00:45:15,601 --> 00:45:17,039
Shane loves kids.
809
00:45:17,040 --> 00:45:18,758
I've moved on.
810
00:45:18,759 --> 00:45:19,800
Are you going to him?
811
00:45:21,040 --> 00:45:22,760
There is no-one.
812
00:45:22,761 --> 00:45:24,719
Pack whatever you've accumulated
813
00:45:24,720 --> 00:45:26,879
and fuck off away from our mum.
814
00:45:26,880 --> 00:45:29,439
If you want to get rid of me,
you'll have to do it your way.
815
00:45:29,440 --> 00:45:31,400
Grab him!
816
00:45:32,520 --> 00:45:34,840
You'll learn to love me again,
I know you will.
817
00:46:21,040 --> 00:46:23,760
And you put the egg in like so.
818
00:46:24,800 --> 00:46:27,839
Then we say the magic words.
819
00:46:27,840 --> 00:46:29,920
Fish and chippingtons!
820
00:46:33,040 --> 00:46:35,480
With a bit of luck...
821
00:46:37,640 --> 00:46:40,639
It's not worked, but... you know.
822
00:46:40,640 --> 00:46:42,240
You have a go.
823
00:46:56,680 --> 00:46:59,199
(LAUGHS)
824
00:46:59,200 --> 00:47:01,920
Subtitles by
Red Bee Media and APOLLO
825
00:47:01,970 --> 00:47:06,520
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
57340
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