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1
00:00:01,163 --> 00:00:03,330
Oh. [exhales]
2
00:00:05,700 --> 00:00:08,035
Tio. [chuckles]
What's going on over there, bro?
3
00:00:08,103 --> 00:00:11,605
You got a little stage fright?
4
00:00:11,673 --> 00:00:15,142
- I'm pacing myself.
- Uh, nothing's coming out.
5
00:00:15,210 --> 00:00:18,879
I mean, how do you drink that much beer,
play a round of golf, and not pee?
6
00:00:18,947 --> 00:00:20,815
How do you look like that
and end up with a woman?
7
00:00:23,118 --> 00:00:26,153
Okay, look. You just drank,
like, a case and a half of beer.
8
00:00:26,221 --> 00:00:27,788
I mean, it seems strange.
9
00:00:27,856 --> 00:00:30,724
Hey.
You take care of your polo,
10
00:00:30,792 --> 00:00:32,560
I'll take care of mine, okay?
11
00:00:32,627 --> 00:00:34,795
You're a chicano. It's palo.
12
00:00:34,863 --> 00:00:39,934
It's palo if it's little.
It's polo if it's big.
13
00:00:40,001 --> 00:00:42,736
Okay, well, my polo works.
14
00:00:42,804 --> 00:00:44,772
- I'm concerned about yours.
- Hey.
15
00:00:44,840 --> 00:00:46,807
Here's what you need to
understand about us, Georgie.
16
00:00:46,875 --> 00:00:50,377
My Daddy and me, we are highly evolved.
17
00:00:50,445 --> 00:00:52,913
Urine just, like, evaporates
out of our pores, okay?
18
00:00:52,981 --> 00:00:55,983
When was the last time urine came out
19
00:00:56,051 --> 00:00:58,385
of your actual polo and not your pores?
20
00:00:58,453 --> 00:01:03,290
Hmm, four days ago.
Had a little blood in it.
21
00:01:03,358 --> 00:01:05,926
Now, why would Daddy
want to do that again?
22
00:01:07,696 --> 00:01:09,631
1x05 - Superstition
23
00:01:10,699 --> 00:01:12,700
'Sup, fool?
24
00:01:13,067 --> 00:01:15,469
sync & correction by f1nc0
~ Addic7ed.com ~
25
00:01:15,737 --> 00:01:19,373
Hey.
These disks, they're not tiny plates.
26
00:01:19,441 --> 00:01:21,642
They're coasters.
27
00:01:21,710 --> 00:01:24,011
I told you they weren't tiny plates.
28
00:01:24,079 --> 00:01:25,846
Oh, Tio, before I forget... hey, man.
29
00:01:25,914 --> 00:01:28,215
I found a doctor to help you
with your prostate.
30
00:01:28,283 --> 00:01:30,017
No, thank you, George.
31
00:01:30,085 --> 00:01:32,486
Tio, you gotta get
your prostate checked,
32
00:01:32,554 --> 00:01:34,388
and you're too old to
be afraid of the doctor.
33
00:01:34,456 --> 00:01:37,525
Oh, "afraid"? Daddy
could've been a doctor.
34
00:01:37,592 --> 00:01:41,328
His medulla oblongata is double size.
35
00:01:41,396 --> 00:01:44,765
Hey, I'm like two doctors up here, okay?
36
00:01:44,833 --> 00:01:46,400
"Medulla oblongata"?
37
00:01:46,468 --> 00:01:49,270
Yeah, that's the part of the brain
doctors use most.
38
00:01:49,337 --> 00:01:51,338
If you had a double-size
medulla oblongata,
39
00:01:51,406 --> 00:01:53,908
you'd know that information.
40
00:01:53,975 --> 00:01:58,712
Okay, but a prostate problem requires
an actual medical professional.
41
00:01:58,780 --> 00:02:01,448
Oh, Mr. Big shot needs
a medical professional.
42
00:02:03,351 --> 00:02:06,153
What's a medical professional gonna do?
43
00:02:06,221 --> 00:02:10,457
Tell you you're fat and stupid?
I do that every day for free.
44
00:02:10,525 --> 00:02:14,128
Yeah, thanks.
Hey, and thanks for dumping
45
00:02:14,196 --> 00:02:17,333
your giant, raggedy
underwear all over my bananas.
46
00:02:18,667 --> 00:02:21,068
Now I gotta throw 'em out!
47
00:02:21,136 --> 00:02:23,604
And it's Tio that
needs a doctor, not me.
48
00:02:23,672 --> 00:02:25,272
Tio?
49
00:02:26,675 --> 00:02:28,442
You gotta take care of yourself.
50
00:02:28,510 --> 00:02:31,278
Remember, you and junior
are all that I've got.
51
00:02:32,748 --> 00:02:34,982
Wait, wait. That's not true.
52
00:02:35,050 --> 00:02:37,952
You got a son that
despises you very much.
53
00:02:38,019 --> 00:02:41,822
- Georgie, I don't need a doctor, okay?
- That's like asking for trouble.
54
00:02:41,890 --> 00:02:44,458
Tio, you need the curandera healer.
55
00:02:44,526 --> 00:02:46,794
She'll heat a brick
and put it on your back.
56
00:02:46,861 --> 00:02:48,229
That'll fix you up real good.
57
00:02:48,296 --> 00:02:50,865
Wait a minute.
Tio needs a doctor
58
00:02:50,866 --> 00:02:54,101
that's not also running
a cockfight outside.
59
00:02:54,169 --> 00:02:56,770
Oh, Octavia.
Now, she's good.
60
00:02:56,838 --> 00:02:59,306
She's good.
61
00:02:59,374 --> 00:03:02,076
Tio, have you ever had
your prostate checked?
62
00:03:02,143 --> 00:03:04,845
Is that where they do you the finger?
63
00:03:06,381 --> 00:03:09,283
- [chuckles] I'd rather be dead.
- Wait a minute.
64
00:03:09,351 --> 00:03:11,385
After 40, every man has to have it done.
I've had it done.
65
00:03:11,453 --> 00:03:14,822
- Now the doctor has a story on you.
- What story?
66
00:03:14,889 --> 00:03:18,292
That he got you with the finger.
67
00:03:18,360 --> 00:03:20,828
Asi, asi mismo.
68
00:03:20,895 --> 00:03:25,633
He's telling all his doctor friends,
"guess who I put the finger on."
69
00:03:25,700 --> 00:03:27,668
Wait a minute.
Doctors don't do that.
70
00:03:27,736 --> 00:03:30,004
And denying you're sick
doesn't mean that you're not.
71
00:03:30,071 --> 00:03:34,675
Georgie, it's my life.
I'll operate it the way I want, okay?
72
00:03:34,743 --> 00:03:37,645
This isn't just your life.
This affects junior too.
73
00:03:37,712 --> 00:03:39,146
Okay? Think about it.
74
00:03:39,214 --> 00:03:43,384
As a father, you have a responsibility
to your son to do the right thing.
75
00:03:43,451 --> 00:03:47,221
Look at little junior's face.
He's almost in tears already!
76
00:03:47,289 --> 00:03:49,623
You want to leave him an orphan at 44?
Selfish!
77
00:03:52,294 --> 00:03:54,595
Such a dilemma. Alma.
78
00:03:54,663 --> 00:03:57,931
Throw me one of those underwear bananas.
79
00:04:00,001 --> 00:04:04,638
Yo.
Underwear banana me too.
80
00:04:08,535 --> 00:04:10,267
[door opens]
Ow.
81
00:04:12,739 --> 00:04:16,609
So what happened with
the so-called doctor?
82
00:04:16,676 --> 00:04:21,113
He ambushed me, from behind.
I think he had his ring on.
83
00:04:22,649 --> 00:04:24,450
The doctor said he's gonna be fine.
84
00:04:24,518 --> 00:04:28,254
- I'm not fine!
- The doctor gave Daddy some medicine.
85
00:04:28,321 --> 00:04:30,189
He said, if he's not
peeing in a few days,
86
00:04:30,257 --> 00:04:32,458
that he's got a medical issue.
87
00:04:34,227 --> 00:04:36,562
A couple days ago, I didn't
even know I had a prostrate.
88
00:04:36,630 --> 00:04:42,067
Now, thanks to Saint George
and doctor man rapes,
89
00:04:42,135 --> 00:04:44,637
I got a prostrate and a medical issue.
90
00:04:44,704 --> 00:04:48,541
Dual concerns.
91
00:04:48,608 --> 00:04:54,146
Yesterday, Tio was dancing,
full of life. Now look at him.
92
00:04:54,214 --> 00:04:57,182
Like his soul has been
ripped out of his behind.
93
00:04:59,185 --> 00:05:01,554
It's your fault he's dying, fat-ass.
94
00:05:01,621 --> 00:05:03,188
Listen, if I had the
power to make people die,
95
00:05:03,256 --> 00:05:05,057
you wouldn't be standing in the kitchen.
96
00:05:05,125 --> 00:05:10,129
You'd be in an urn with puppies
thinking you were a fire hydrant.
97
00:05:10,196 --> 00:05:12,331
Oh, good.
I was afraid we'd come in
98
00:05:12,399 --> 00:05:13,399
and there wouldn't be fighting.
99
00:05:13,466 --> 00:05:16,368
Yeah, at Sammy's house,
they're always smiling and laughing.
100
00:05:16,436 --> 00:05:18,437
It makes me feel weird.
101
00:05:20,206 --> 00:05:21,707
Tio, what's wrong?
102
00:05:21,775 --> 00:05:24,410
I have a prostrate and
a medical condition,
103
00:05:24,477 --> 00:05:27,613
and I may be making
a premature "desmise."
104
00:05:27,681 --> 00:05:30,349
- What?
- Come on, Tio. Don't be dramatic.
105
00:05:30,417 --> 00:05:32,217
No one's making a premature "desmise."
106
00:05:32,285 --> 00:05:35,421
He has a minor prostate problem.
Very small.
107
00:05:35,488 --> 00:05:36,822
Oh, thank goodness.
108
00:05:36,890 --> 00:05:39,491
Nobody knows what lurks
in the future, okay?
109
00:05:39,559 --> 00:05:41,360
[speaking Spanish]
110
00:05:41,428 --> 00:05:43,762
I want you to have this bracelet.
111
00:05:43,830 --> 00:05:49,301
Tio, it's beautiful.
From my brother.
112
00:05:49,369 --> 00:05:52,237
I will cherish it forever.
113
00:05:52,305 --> 00:05:53,572
[kisses]
114
00:05:53,640 --> 00:05:55,541
It has all my information on it.
115
00:05:55,609 --> 00:05:59,489
D.O.B., that means "date of birth."
116
00:06:03,183 --> 00:06:06,619
And toma, for my beloved son,
wear this always.
117
00:06:06,686 --> 00:06:09,955
That way, no matter what
the happenstance occurs,
118
00:06:10,023 --> 00:06:13,092
I'll be with you in spirit.
119
00:06:13,159 --> 00:06:16,428
Daddy, you're my whole world.
120
00:06:19,165 --> 00:06:21,934
Wait a minute.
He gets a big-ass cross,
121
00:06:22,002 --> 00:06:25,037
and all I get is a lousy bracelet?
122
00:06:25,105 --> 00:06:30,542
Okay. I'm taking your gold
lighter and your boom box.
123
00:06:30,610 --> 00:06:33,679
You're claiming property from
someone who is barely sick.
124
00:06:33,747 --> 00:06:36,148
God willing, but I gotta be ready.
125
00:06:36,216 --> 00:06:39,518
Get the good stuff now
before the looters move in.
126
00:06:39,586 --> 00:06:42,788
Yeah, the looters,
otherwise known as "family."
127
00:06:44,357 --> 00:06:49,862
- Very heartwarming, Alma.
- Listen, tummy tuck...
128
00:06:49,929 --> 00:06:53,132
when my father died,
I went to get some kleenex,
129
00:06:53,199 --> 00:06:57,169
and the cousins grabbed everything.
So never again.
130
00:06:57,237 --> 00:07:00,806
If anybody's gonna get
drunk listening to "Jose Jose"
131
00:07:00,874 --> 00:07:04,810
on dead Tio's boom box,
it's gonna be me.
132
00:07:04,878 --> 00:07:07,746
See, this right here is
why people have wills.
133
00:07:07,814 --> 00:07:10,482
Yes, people do.
Mexicans don't.
134
00:07:10,550 --> 00:07:11,950
- You do.
- No, I don't.
135
00:07:12,018 --> 00:07:15,354
Yeah, of course you do.
Right after Harper was born.
136
00:07:15,422 --> 00:07:16,722
You told me you drew one up.
137
00:07:16,790 --> 00:07:17,890
[chuckles]
138
00:07:17,957 --> 00:07:19,792
I did tell you that, didn't I?
139
00:07:19,859 --> 00:07:22,695
I thought you were still under the
influence of your third epidural.
140
00:07:22,762 --> 00:07:27,132
Oh, my god.
You never drew one up. Why?
141
00:07:27,200 --> 00:07:30,135
Making a will is like
making a reservatn for death.
142
00:07:30,203 --> 00:07:31,970
[Alma] That's true.
143
00:07:32,038 --> 00:07:36,575
Everybody I've known
who's had a will... has died.
144
00:07:36,643 --> 00:07:37,743
[Mackenzie] Oh, my god.
145
00:07:37,811 --> 00:07:44,249
Having a will doesn't make
you more likely to die. [chuckles]
146
00:07:44,317 --> 00:07:46,185
How can you even think
that that makes sense?
147
00:07:46,252 --> 00:07:49,722
The same reason you think it makes sense
to inject bacteria into your forehead.
148
00:07:49,789 --> 00:07:53,992
This is not about me.
You have a son.
149
00:07:54,060 --> 00:07:55,594
What if something happens to you?
150
00:07:55,662 --> 00:07:59,398
- You have to do this for him.
- Yeah, do the right thing for your son.
151
00:07:59,466 --> 00:08:00,899
That's what you told Daddy
152
00:08:00,967 --> 00:08:03,368
right before he was
violated by the butt doctor.
153
00:08:03,436 --> 00:08:04,603
[Tio] Si, Georgie.
154
00:08:04,671 --> 00:08:07,005
Don't be selfish. Do it for your son.
155
00:08:07,073 --> 00:08:08,373
Thank you, Tio.
156
00:08:10,076 --> 00:08:14,179
All right. You know what,
if it makes sense for my son,
157
00:08:14,247 --> 00:08:17,182
then you know what, I'll make a will.
158
00:08:17,250 --> 00:08:19,118
- Okay.
- [Alma] All right.
159
00:08:19,185 --> 00:08:23,322
I'll call the mortuary and tell them
to order a fat boy coffin.
160
00:08:24,691 --> 00:08:28,794
What people leave behind
when they're gone is important.
161
00:08:28,862 --> 00:08:31,697
That's how we understand who they were.
Like the pyramids...
162
00:08:31,765 --> 00:08:33,098
When you think pyramids,
163
00:08:33,166 --> 00:08:34,867
you think Egyptians, right?
That's wrong.
164
00:08:34,934 --> 00:08:37,836
All right, the Egyptians
did build pyramids.
165
00:08:37,904 --> 00:08:41,507
But the Maya built the
pyramids first and better.
166
00:08:41,574 --> 00:08:45,477
The Maya pyramids are amazing
monuments and feats of engineering.
167
00:08:45,545 --> 00:08:47,246
The Egyptian pyramids are basically just
168
00:08:47,313 --> 00:08:50,249
storage units to hold dead
people and their stuff.
169
00:08:52,385 --> 00:08:54,186
So the Mayans didn't bury
their stuff with them?
170
00:08:54,254 --> 00:08:57,022
They did not.
And even now, Latinos, we don't.
171
00:08:57,090 --> 00:09:00,058
Our valuables go to the relative
who can get to the house first
172
00:09:00,126 --> 00:09:02,094
and carry a flat-screen
TV on their back
173
00:09:02,162 --> 00:09:03,695
while they got a lamp under each arm.
174
00:09:04,964 --> 00:09:08,133
Mr. Lopez, the online
community pretty much agrees
175
00:09:08,201 --> 00:09:10,669
that aliens actually built the pyramids.
176
00:09:10,737 --> 00:09:12,404
How else would Maya have
such advanced knowledge
177
00:09:12,472 --> 00:09:14,006
of astronomy and math?
[laughter]
178
00:09:14,073 --> 00:09:17,009
There you go.
Huh? People find it easier
179
00:09:17,076 --> 00:09:20,645
to believe in space aliens
than in smart Mexicans.
180
00:09:24,284 --> 00:09:27,553
Daddy, I can't wear this anymore
181
00:09:27,620 --> 00:09:31,023
'cause it's a constant reminder
of your mortality,
182
00:09:31,090 --> 00:09:34,393
and it's turning my neck green.
183
00:09:34,460 --> 00:09:39,064
All right, family,
you're here as witnesses to my will.
184
00:09:39,132 --> 00:09:42,201
You're also in charge of my
end-of-life decisions, so...
185
00:09:42,268 --> 00:09:45,928
hoo, so let's start with my
"do not resuscitate" order.
186
00:09:49,008 --> 00:09:53,812
- When to pull the plug.
- Pull the plug? I'll kick the plug out!
187
00:09:55,782 --> 00:09:58,917
You won't be able to reach it
from the grave. Now, shut up.
188
00:09:58,985 --> 00:10:00,786
Let's get to the important stuff.
189
00:10:00,854 --> 00:10:02,354
Who gets your fancy wineglasses?
190
00:10:02,422 --> 00:10:05,691
Those will be gone before
I finish dialing 911.
191
00:10:05,758 --> 00:10:07,226
Hang... hang on.
192
00:10:07,293 --> 00:10:10,095
Because this is a
tremendous responsibility.
193
00:10:10,163 --> 00:10:13,332
For instance, will
your disability checks
194
00:10:13,399 --> 00:10:18,103
cover the cost of the electricity
to keep you alive?
195
00:10:18,171 --> 00:10:22,040
Wait a minute. So I live or
die based on the utility bill?
196
00:10:22,108 --> 00:10:24,576
Georgie, if you're
in a vegetarian state,
197
00:10:24,644 --> 00:10:27,534
we may have to amortize all the cost.
198
00:10:28,781 --> 00:10:31,917
Wait a minute... I would expect
this from her, Tio, but from you?
199
00:10:31,985 --> 00:10:34,052
What you let that doctor do to my culo
200
00:10:34,120 --> 00:10:37,325
has hardened me to the outside world.
201
00:10:38,725 --> 00:10:41,526
- Hey, Dad. What are you doing?
- I'm signing my will.
202
00:10:41,594 --> 00:10:45,297
- What? Your will?
- Yeah, your Dad's dying.
203
00:10:45,365 --> 00:10:48,333
Now do you feel bad you
don't put your toys away?
204
00:10:48,401 --> 00:10:50,335
- Dying?
- Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
205
00:10:50,403 --> 00:10:53,605
Don't ever listen to your grandma.
Okay? I'm not dying.
206
00:10:53,673 --> 00:10:56,508
Although I wouldn't rule out murder.
207
00:10:56,576 --> 00:10:58,143
I'm going to live a very long time.
208
00:10:58,211 --> 00:10:59,511
- Okay?
- Okay.
209
00:10:59,579 --> 00:11:02,348
A will is just something to
let people know what to do with
210
00:11:02,349 --> 00:11:05,117
your stuff in case something
happens to me, which it won't.
211
00:11:05,184 --> 00:11:07,586
Zachary's grandpa fell off a sailboat,
212
00:11:07,654 --> 00:11:09,655
and he got a bunch of Google stock.
213
00:11:09,722 --> 00:11:12,557
Hey, listen, man. Don't look
so happy when you say that.
214
00:11:14,045 --> 00:11:15,043
Hey.
But if there were something
215
00:11:15,044 --> 00:11:17,129
of mine I could leave you, son,
what would you want?
216
00:11:17,196 --> 00:11:19,298
I don't know, Dad.
You know me. You pick.
217
00:11:19,365 --> 00:11:25,570
- [laughs] I know the right thing.
- Just not your record collection.
218
00:11:28,274 --> 00:11:31,343
You have no idea what he wants.
219
00:11:31,411 --> 00:11:33,545
This is bad. He's my son.
I should know what he wants.
220
00:11:33,613 --> 00:11:35,781
That's sad, Georgie. That's just sad.
221
00:11:35,848 --> 00:11:38,317
See, Daddy knows what I'd want.
[laughs]
222
00:11:38,384 --> 00:11:41,586
My Corvette, some velour neck pillows,
223
00:11:41,654 --> 00:11:46,545
and a giant box of
electrical cords and whatnots.
224
00:11:47,327 --> 00:11:49,161
Daddy, you remembered the cords.
225
00:11:49,228 --> 00:11:52,464
And the whatnots, mijo.
226
00:11:52,532 --> 00:11:56,168
Okay, come on. Can we focus?
I'm signing my will.
227
00:11:59,839 --> 00:12:02,741
Ah... ooh.
Ah. I felt a twinge.
228
00:12:02,809 --> 00:12:03,809
[gasps]
229
00:12:03,876 --> 00:12:05,996
There it is. Stroke!
230
00:12:07,780 --> 00:12:11,216
It's not a stroke.
It's probably from golf.
231
00:12:11,284 --> 00:12:14,119
No, it's not from golf.
It's from the will.
232
00:12:14,187 --> 00:12:18,523
You made a reservation for death
and went right to the front of the line.
233
00:12:18,591 --> 00:12:22,561
- Where are those wineglasses?
- I sent them to your next home.
234
00:12:22,628 --> 00:12:26,562
You're gonna be living in Tio's box
of electrical cords and whatnots.
235
00:12:33,046 --> 00:12:34,880
[door opens, closes]
236
00:12:34,948 --> 00:12:36,181
[Mackenzie] Alma.
237
00:12:36,249 --> 00:12:38,984
Did you tell my son
that George is dying?
238
00:12:39,052 --> 00:12:41,486
Death is part of life.
He's gotta learn.
239
00:12:41,554 --> 00:12:44,957
But George isn't dying.
And if and when he does die,
240
00:12:44,958 --> 00:12:47,926
Harper does not need to know
that rats will eat his eyeballs.
241
00:12:47,994 --> 00:12:49,428
I just said "balls."
242
00:12:49,495 --> 00:12:53,565
- Oh.
- Hey. He signed the will.
243
00:12:53,633 --> 00:12:56,235
Why are you putting a red sticker
on George's wineglasses?
244
00:12:56,302 --> 00:13:00,239
And why is there a red sticker
on the guitar and on the table...
245
00:13:00,306 --> 00:13:02,908
You are claiming George's things.
246
00:13:02,976 --> 00:13:06,245
You care more about your
son's belongings than your son.
247
00:13:06,312 --> 00:13:07,913
I care about my son.
248
00:13:07,981 --> 00:13:11,049
But I can't drink kahlua out of him
when he's gone.
249
00:13:11,117 --> 00:13:13,151
That's disgusting.
250
00:13:13,219 --> 00:13:15,087
And I should get those wineglasses.
251
00:13:15,154 --> 00:13:17,945
They were a wedding
gift from my parents.
252
00:13:21,294 --> 00:13:23,061
[scoffs]
253
00:13:23,129 --> 00:13:27,666
Oh.
So that's how we're playing this.
254
00:13:39,145 --> 00:13:42,214
- That one's mine.
- I thought you said George wasn't dying.
255
00:13:42,282 --> 00:13:46,351
He isn't. But I don't want
you thinking you have dibs.
256
00:13:49,455 --> 00:13:54,126
- Mine.
- Your parents didn't give you that.
257
00:13:54,193 --> 00:13:56,928
George bought it.
258
00:13:56,996 --> 00:14:00,299
I supported him and helped
him launch his business.
259
00:14:00,366 --> 00:14:04,303
- I gave him life.
- I gave him a career.
260
00:14:04,370 --> 00:14:06,805
I had a long and painful childbirth.
261
00:14:06,873 --> 00:14:10,042
I had sex with him for 12 years.
262
00:14:10,109 --> 00:14:13,627
Let me help you carry
these glasses to the car.
263
00:14:16,916 --> 00:14:19,217
Hey, hey, hey, hey, you're not
supposed to take that with alcohol.
264
00:14:19,285 --> 00:14:20,686
I drink all day.
265
00:14:20,753 --> 00:14:26,224
I either take it with alcohol,
or I don't take it.
266
00:14:26,292 --> 00:14:28,327
It hasn't worked anyway.
He still hasn't peed.
267
00:14:28,394 --> 00:14:33,732
Not even in the shower, which
is Daddy's way of multitasking.
268
00:14:33,800 --> 00:14:35,801
Damn.
What the hell is going on today?
269
00:14:35,868 --> 00:14:38,337
The golf course, a bird
flew away with my sandwich.
270
00:14:38,404 --> 00:14:41,840
What kind of crazy-ass bird flies
away with a chicken sandwich?
271
00:14:41,908 --> 00:14:44,242
That's cannibalism.
272
00:14:44,310 --> 00:14:47,879
It's because you signed that will.
You got it. El ojo malo.
273
00:14:47,947 --> 00:14:50,916
Si, you got the bad mojo.
274
00:14:50,983 --> 00:14:54,486
- That's superstition.
- Yeah, but you believe it.
275
00:14:54,554 --> 00:14:58,190
Well, you know, a little bit.
276
00:14:58,257 --> 00:14:59,658
I mean, you grow up with that stuff.
277
00:14:59,726 --> 00:15:01,126
You know, "don't put
your shoes on the bed.
278
00:15:01,194 --> 00:15:02,561
Don't let somebody sweep your feet.
279
00:15:02,628 --> 00:15:05,664
Don't let somebody with
red hair touch you."
280
00:15:05,732 --> 00:15:08,300
I mean, you grow up with that.
It messes with your head, man.
281
00:15:08,368 --> 00:15:12,070
Yeah, well, that's why latinos
also grow up with tequila.
282
00:15:12,138 --> 00:15:16,174
I mean, I'm tempting fate already
as a successful Mexican.
283
00:15:16,242 --> 00:15:17,642
Signing a will is like saying to death:
284
00:15:17,710 --> 00:15:22,114
"Yo, death, over here!
The rich brown one."
285
00:15:22,181 --> 00:15:26,184
You made yourself a target.
Money, a country club membership,
286
00:15:26,252 --> 00:15:29,952
soft hands from doing zero manual labor.
287
00:15:30,590 --> 00:15:32,624
You're full of criteriars.
288
00:15:34,694 --> 00:15:39,064
It's not gonna end well.
I'm gonna end up dying alone
289
00:15:39,132 --> 00:15:41,366
with my Mom thinking I'm taking
a nap, looking in on me...
290
00:15:41,434 --> 00:15:44,814
"oh, he's so blue. Let's let him sleep."
291
00:15:47,673 --> 00:15:49,708
I really thought we were
going to outlive her.
292
00:15:49,776 --> 00:15:51,510
Are you crazy?
At the end of the world,
293
00:15:51,577 --> 00:15:53,645
it's just gonna be
my Mom and cockroaches
294
00:15:53,713 --> 00:15:57,124
on her shoulder, braiding her hair.
295
00:16:02,855 --> 00:16:06,625
Junior, when I die,
296
00:16:06,692 --> 00:16:11,430
I want you to promise
me you won't be sad.
297
00:16:11,497 --> 00:16:15,500
Because I already made
peace with the thin reaper.
298
00:16:17,170 --> 00:16:19,304
I've lived a good life, mijo.
299
00:16:19,372 --> 00:16:20,772
Yeah.
300
00:16:20,840 --> 00:16:24,342
You got friends high up
in the pirated movie trade,
301
00:16:24,410 --> 00:16:29,815
a '69 'Vette that's only missing
the seats and two wheels.
302
00:16:29,882 --> 00:16:33,718
When I go, all that's yours.
303
00:16:33,786 --> 00:16:36,021
Just do one thing.
304
00:16:36,088 --> 00:16:38,356
Put a decal with my
name in the back window.
305
00:16:38,424 --> 00:16:42,527
Absolutely.
And I already know what it's gonna say.
306
00:16:42,595 --> 00:16:47,666
"Daddy, the wheels beneath my wings."
307
00:16:49,168 --> 00:16:50,302
[voice breaking] That's beautiful, mijo.
308
00:16:50,369 --> 00:16:53,338
George,
did you figure out what Harper
309
00:16:53,406 --> 00:16:55,073
would want you to leave him?
310
00:16:55,141 --> 00:16:58,477
No, and I've been
thinking about it a lot.
311
00:16:58,544 --> 00:17:00,278
So what are you gonna leave him?
312
00:17:00,346 --> 00:17:02,647
Your gold watch?
Your guitar collection?
313
00:17:02,715 --> 00:17:04,416
You know what?
314
00:17:04,484 --> 00:17:07,219
We grow up thinking
that when someone dies,
315
00:17:07,286 --> 00:17:10,822
what they leave us
shows how much they care.
316
00:17:10,890 --> 00:17:14,159
Like, you know, "he left me his TV,"
or, "he left me his car."
317
00:17:14,227 --> 00:17:15,927
But none of that matters.
318
00:17:15,995 --> 00:17:22,567
The only thing that matters are the...
are the relationships.
319
00:17:22,635 --> 00:17:24,469
I'm coming in for a hug, Daddy.
320
00:17:26,472 --> 00:17:29,074
You see, this is what I'm
talking about, right here.
321
00:17:29,141 --> 00:17:32,344
I spent so much time trying
to get all this stuff that I
322
00:17:32,345 --> 00:17:35,547
couldn't build the one thing
that I should be leaving my son...
323
00:17:35,615 --> 00:17:38,950
a relationship with his father.
And I failed.
324
00:17:39,018 --> 00:17:41,953
And now you have that death
will hanging over your head.
325
00:17:42,021 --> 00:17:44,222
You're gonna die before
you get the chance.
326
00:17:44,290 --> 00:17:48,527
We should do what Alma does
whenever things are hopeless.
327
00:17:48,594 --> 00:17:52,163
What, go through people's mail
until we find a preapproved credit card?
328
00:17:52,231 --> 00:17:57,135
No, go to church.
We're in need of a miracle.
329
00:18:02,755 --> 00:18:05,256
Hey.
330
00:18:05,324 --> 00:18:08,560
You think it's okay to be inebriated
in the church?
331
00:18:08,627 --> 00:18:10,562
They serve wine three times a day,
332
00:18:10,629 --> 00:18:13,965
so they obviously have a liquor license.
333
00:18:14,033 --> 00:18:15,433
Show some respect, okay?
334
00:18:15,501 --> 00:18:21,840
I studied to be a priest,
but, alas, my flesh was weak.
335
00:18:21,907 --> 00:18:25,377
Well...
let's just light a candle
336
00:18:25,444 --> 00:18:28,913
and lift the death curse off your head
and heal Daddy's palo.
337
00:18:28,981 --> 00:18:31,683
I saw Saint Peter on the way in,
338
00:18:31,751 --> 00:18:35,587
but I don't think he
navigates in that region.
339
00:18:35,654 --> 00:18:41,059
Well, let's light all the candles
and cover all the bases.
340
00:18:41,127 --> 00:18:42,160
[sniffs]
341
00:18:42,228 --> 00:18:43,895
What's that smell, junior?
342
00:18:47,066 --> 00:18:49,200
Ay! My leg's on fire!
343
00:18:49,268 --> 00:18:52,303
I'm on fire!
Junior!
344
00:18:52,371 --> 00:18:55,140
That's holy water!
Ay!
345
00:18:55,207 --> 00:18:56,541
Junior!
346
00:18:57,943 --> 00:19:02,147
- Tio, turn that thing off!
- Sweet Jesus, I'm peeing!
347
00:19:02,214 --> 00:19:03,681
It's out. The fire's out.
348
00:19:03,749 --> 00:19:07,619
Georgie, it's a miracle!
Rejoice! My prostate!
349
00:19:07,686 --> 00:19:10,822
- It's cured.
- And my shoes are soaked.
350
00:19:10,890 --> 00:19:13,324
Hey, you owe me for
another pair of orthotics...
351
00:19:13,392 --> 00:19:15,693
the good ones where you
put your feet in the wax.
352
00:19:15,761 --> 00:19:20,398
Georgie, you were on fire,
and you didn't die.
353
00:19:20,466 --> 00:19:24,636
- It was divine invention.
- It was pee!
354
00:19:26,205 --> 00:19:29,207
Okay, look, maybe making a will
doesn't mean you're gonna die.
355
00:19:29,275 --> 00:19:33,278
Although being soaked in your
uncle's pee makes you want to.
356
00:19:33,345 --> 00:19:36,548
Let's go rejoice.
357
00:19:36,615 --> 00:19:40,351
I haven't been this wet in church
since I got baptized.
358
00:19:41,587 --> 00:19:43,690
That's a 50.
359
00:19:45,758 --> 00:19:47,626
20.
360
00:19:53,466 --> 00:19:56,835
[sighs]
Dad, I'm just not good at golf.
361
00:19:56,902 --> 00:19:58,703
No one is good at golf.
362
00:19:58,771 --> 00:20:02,440
- Then why do you play it?
- Because it's fun.
363
00:20:02,508 --> 00:20:04,542
How is it fun if you
don't know how to play it?
364
00:20:04,610 --> 00:20:07,045
That's one of the many
mysteries of life that I can
365
00:20:07,046 --> 00:20:09,481
teach you now that we're
spending more time together.
366
00:20:09,548 --> 00:20:11,316
Hey, and maybe we'll
both learn what language
367
00:20:11,383 --> 00:20:13,318
Uncle Tio is actually speaking.
368
00:20:14,854 --> 00:20:17,655
- I did have fun hanging out with you.
- Me too, Harper.
369
00:20:17,723 --> 00:20:19,624
Hey, and we're going
to do it a lot more.
370
00:20:19,692 --> 00:20:22,594
Come on.
You are my monument.
371
00:20:22,661 --> 00:20:25,497
Dad, Dad,
you're kind of hurting my arm.
372
00:20:25,564 --> 00:20:28,366
That's where I get my allergy shots.
373
00:20:28,434 --> 00:20:31,636
Okay, well, my monument
is a work in progress.
374
00:20:31,704 --> 00:20:36,941
But it took 50,000 men more
than 30 years to build a pyramid.
375
00:20:37,009 --> 00:20:39,944
The pause that refreshes.
Boy, that felt good.
376
00:20:40,012 --> 00:20:42,814
Hey, the bathroom is right there.
You guys can't pee outside.
377
00:20:42,882 --> 00:20:46,417
Come on, man.
Half the fun of golf is peeing outdoors.
378
00:20:46,753 --> 00:20:48,720
Hey, Georgie, watch out.
That's my doctor.
379
00:20:48,787 --> 00:20:49,854
[whistles]
380
00:20:49,922 --> 00:20:51,890
Hey, doc, doc!
I'm cured!
381
00:20:51,957 --> 00:20:55,193
[laughter]
382
00:20:57,763 --> 00:20:59,397
Son of a bitch.
You were right, Tio.
383
00:20:59,465 --> 00:21:02,995
- He does have a story on you!
- I told you!
384
00:21:04,370 --> 00:21:05,770
Daddy, wait!
385
00:21:07,874 --> 00:21:10,911
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