All language subtitles for Rules of Engagement s04e01 Flirting.eng

Here you go, Jeff.

Enjoy.
Yeah.

Russell.

What's up with you
and Doreen?

She asked me
what I did this weekend.

And?

And I told her.

Hey.
Hey.

Where's my food?

This isn't a magic diner.

You have to tell the waitress
what you want.

I texted you my order
ten minutes ago.

Why do you have such a problem
with texting?

It's for teenage girls.

I text all the time.

And guys
with teenage-girl hair.

I think
you would embrace texting.

I mean, you hate actually
talking to other human beings.

I do dislike people.

I'm just old school.
That's all.

I think you don't like pushing
those buttons

With your giant gorilla thumbs.

With your baby hands,

It's like
you're actually typing.

All right, well, you're
missing out, magilla, all right?

'cause I control
my whole universe

With this thi--
oh, my god, where's my phone?

Oh, no, I left it
at that girl's apartment.

Right next to the chloroform?

Why don't you just wait
till she comes to

And then go get it?

Not so easy.

See, uh, we had what's called
a one-night stand,

And, uh, she should be realizing
that right about now.

Did you come here
straight from her place?

Yeah.

Put that hand away, brother.

♪ how many ways to say
I love you? ♪

♪ how many ways to say
that I'm not scared? ♪

♪ with you by my side ♪

♪ there is no denying ♪

♪ I can't wait
for me and you ♪

All right, seriously,

You have got to get better
about texting.

It will help us communicate.

Look, we've been married
for 14 years.

What is there left
to say?

It's not so I can enjoy
your sparkling wit.

It's for scheduling
doctor's appointments and stuff.

Ooh, you finally gonna tweak
the old lady's rack?

No.

Sorry.
No!

They're fertility doctors.

Oh, right,
your marriage is at the point

Where you like to introduce
new characters.

Mm.
So what's the plan?

We have a consultation
to discuss it today.

Here, I texted you
the info.

Oh, here it is.

Hey, hit "read" for me,
thumbelina.

Hey.
What's in the bag?

, jen let you take
your nards out for a walk?

Adam does whatever he wants
with his nards.

Mm.
I bet.

Actually, they're
our save-the-date cards.

Yeah, I got 200 stds
right here.

Don't worry, Russell.
You still got him beat.

Look, I just hope that
your wedding doesn't conflict

With a major sports
championship game.

Well, whenever it is,
the chances of me going

Are proportioned to the hotness
of the bridesmaids.

Well, what if
you're not invited?

Does that factor
into the equation?

No, just bridesmaid hotness,
I think.

All right, well,
as so often happens around here,

I have lost my appetite.

Excuse me.

I'm gonna come with you.

Bye.
Bye, honey.

So you've set a date.

♪ bum bum bum ♪

Oh, come on,
it's not a big deal.

Not a big deal.

You want to take this?
No, you go ahead.

Right now you're
like an inmate on death row.

Okay, do we have to do this?

Appeals going,
you might get a new trial.

Maybe they'll overturn
the death penalty altogether.

So you spend
a lot of time reading,

Maybe get an hour a day
in the yard.

It's all good, right?

I'm not hearing anything
I disagree with.

Till one day
the chief screw calls.

They've set a date--a date
for you to go to the chair.

Or lethal injection.
Or lethal injection.

Sure.

Then it all becomes very real.

Every rise of the sun,

Every tick of the clock,

It gets closer...

Closer to the date.

You ready?

Aah.

Oh, what the hell?

What are you doing
in my office?

I thought I'd come by so
we could hang out a little bit.

Look, we just hung
in the diner,

And, uh, I'm not sure
we like each other this much.

I got to say,
your company's internet filter

Is pretty tough,
but check this out.

Oh, no!

The human body's
pretty stretchy.

excuse me.

Hey, Jeff,
this was in your in-box.

Thank you.
Sasha, this is Russell.

Hi, Russell.
Hey.

Nice to meet you.

Oh, wow, look at this.
This is nice.

What is this?

Shirt.

you're so funny.

A bunch of us
are going to lunch together.

You should come.

Yeah, well,
I've got a training session

At the gym,
but thank you.

Oh. Well,
don't work out too hard.

You'll bust
right out of that.

Oh, I'm not gonna wear this.

I got a t-shirt.

Funny.

All right,
maybe next time.

See you later.

Later.
Oh, it was nice to meet you.

Yep.

Dude.

What?

She was totally flirting
with you.

No, she was not.

What?

"what's this?"

That was such a lame excuse
to touch you.

And, "you're gonna bust out
of that shirt,"

And, "you're so funny."

You're not funny.

Huh. She must not know
I'm married.

Well, your ring is buried

Under that thatch
of knuckle hair.

But there's a picture of you
and your wife right there.

Am I guilty
of something?

No.

This is standard
office behavior--

A little bit
of good, harmless fun.

But you might want to throw
the flirt back at her.

I can do that?

Oh, yeah,
with lines like "shirt."

Come on, you're married.
You're not dead.

Hit the ball back
once in a while.

She did kind of smell
like peaches a little.

There you go.
That's not creepy at all.

Timmy, how's it going?

Sir, I've been
in your employ

Long enough to know
that you don't really care.

Exactly.

Listen, I need you
to do something for me.

Ah, yes,
the phrase that has launched

Some of the worst days
of my life.

What do you need, sir?

Listen,
I had a one-night stand,

Left my phone there,
need you to go grab it.

Well, that should only take
a minute--

Something I'm sure
she's used to by now.

Here's the address.

It's on a little table
by the front door.

Right.
So what's the young lady's name?

Stupid question.

Yeah.

Uh-huh.
All right.

Well, I look forward
to seeing you tomorrow.

Okay.
Bye-bye.

Hey, these were
on the printer for you.

Oh, thank you.

You know, I'd ask
how your workout was,

But I can see
that it was good.

You can? 'cause today
was calf and quad day.

Oh, thank you.

And your hair is super shiny...

Like freshly zambonied ice.

thanks.

I was beginning to wonder
if you noticed me at all.

Well, sure I did.

I mean, I'm married.
I'm not dead.

No, you certainly are not.

In fact, I think you might be
the last real man I know.

Thank you.

You got a pretty nice
lady setup going there.

Look, I'm gonna cut
to the chase.

Anytime you want
to get tether--

My place, a hotel--

I'm up for it.

You just let me know.

I am dead.

Welcome.

Oh. Hello.

Hello.
How are you?

Are you here
for the bible study group?

No, I'm--I'm actually here
just looking for, um...

Is this 1053 Columbus Avenue,
apartment 3G?

It is.

Then, yes, I am here
for the bible study group.

What?
I'm doing it.

Why are you calling me
to tell me to do

What I'm already doing?

Yeah, I'm stupid.

I don't know
how to mail thank-you notes.

Thank-you notes, huh?

For our wedding gifts.

What do you got?
Save-the-date cards.

save the date.

oh, what I wouldn't give

To be back
at save the date.

Good luck.

What now?

Oh, the market.
Okay, thanks for that tip.

I was gonna try to buy cheese
at the library.

Uh, yello.

You little jerk.

I flirted back,
and she offered herself to me

Anytime, anywhere.

You said
this was a harmless game!

Well, how was I to know
there was a second woman

On earth that would risk
getting under you?

What am I supposed
to do now?

I don't know.
Just make a list

Of all the things Audrey
won't do and, uh, go bananas.

I'm not doing anything
with her.

I'm happily married,
and Audrey would find out,

And then she'd kill me
and divorce me,

And I'd lose everything
she made me buy.

How do I shut this down?

All right, don't worry.

I know the perfect way
to fix this.

All you have to do...

Hang on.
I got another call.

One second.

Uh, yello.

Oh, bible study group.

Yes, well, it is possible

She joined today
in response

To what happened last night.

Regardless,
your phone was not on the table.

Well, just, uh, ask the girl
who lives there

Where it is.

Any way you can narrow
that down for me?

Brownish hair,
smiley,

And a big fan
of the Russell muscle.

Good-bye.

Wait, no, her name, seriously,
was, like...

Stacy.

Tracy.
Lacey. I think.

Stacy. Tracy. Lacey.
Oh, brilliant.

I have a feeling
I'm forgetting something.

Oh, this is such
a lovely apartment.

I really must compliment
whoever lives here.

Oh, well, thank you,
that would be me.

Oh, great,
I'm Timmy.

I'm Meghan.
Meghan--not even close.

Excuse me?
Nothing.

Real pleasure
meeting you, Meghan.

Now, look, this is
a somewhat delicate matter,

But one I feel we can handle
most discreetly.

See, it does seem
as though...

Hey, sweetie.
I'm sorry I'm late.

Hi, honey.

Timmy, this is Miles,

my fiance.

Your fiance.

Yes, we just got engaged
last week.

Just last week.

Wow.

It just keeps getting better.

You wanted to see me, Jeff?

Yes.
Oh, well, good.

I wanted to see you too.

Yes, about that,

I think we had
a little misunderstanding

earlier today with the...

Uh, zamboni hair and whatnot,

And I just wanted to make it
perfectly clear--

Hey, Jeff.
Oh, Audrey. Jeez.

Hey.
Hello.

Hi.
Hi.

I'm Audrey, Jeff's wife.

Sasha--
I work down the hall.

Way down the hall.

So we don't see much
of each other.

Okay, so you ready
to go?

Yes, ready to go.
Okay.

Uh, where?

I texted you--
the doctor.

Yes, doctor,

Fertility doctor.

Gonna make a baby
with my wife.

Oh, wow. Congratulations.
Thank you.

It's nice to meet you.

I'm gonna go, uh, use
the ladies' room.

I'll go with you.
I-I got this one.

I'm sure you'll be fine.

I'll meet you
at the elevator.

And there she goes,

My wife.

Married her at a wedding.

Well, so, you know...

I do know.
Good.

Almost getting caught
makes it even hotter.

Call me.

Damn you,
calves and quads.

Oh, hold it.
Hey.

How was your appointment?
It was good. Good.

The doctor
was really optimistic.

That's great.
Yeah, I'm excited,

Although the whole thing
is a little bit scary.

Yeah, like, what if the baby
has a really big head like Jeff?

Why is that scary?

Well...

You know.

Oh.

Good-bye,
natural childbirth.

Anyway, you and adam
finally set a date.

You must be so excited.

Yeah, we're both
really psyched.

I tried to tell you this
in person.

"perseverance"?
No!

Stop finishing my words
for me!

"person."

"but I don't want this
to happen ever.

"let's just forget it
and never mention it again.

Jeff."

Send.

Hmm.

Uh, yello.

Sir, I need you to call
your phone so I can locate it.

I've tried, but it goes straight
to voicemail.

Oh, yeah, sometimes
I block your number,

'cause I get tired
of the "governor"

And the "blimey" and the
"shrimp on the barbie" routine.

I'm from South Africa.
Just call your phone!

Oh, hey, man.

I got to talk to you.
I am--I am freaking out here.

I was thinking
about what you said

This morning
about me and Jen, right?

And--and you're still single--

Oh, hold that thought.
Me first.

I just have to call
my cell phone real quick

so Timmy can find it.

'cause I had a little rendezvous
last night

with a little chicky.

I don't remember her name,
but that's not important.

Anyway, I snuck out of there
this morning,

And the light of day
was not her friend.

It was ra-ra-rough.

Regardless,
I left my phone there,

Whicis a drag, because there's
a number in there

Of this chick who got booted out
of Vassar for binge-drinking.

Dude, this is the kind of stuff
you're giving up.

So even though
it's an obvious choice,

John 3:16 is the passage
by which I've chosen

to live my life.

Okay, Timmy,
you're up.

Hmm.

My ears are a bit off.

Did anyone hear
a phone ring?

No.
No, I didn't hear anything.

I feel
like I'm forgetting something.

Very well.

Well, uh, to be honest,

This is a bit tricky
because Terry took mine.

But, uh, you know, the bit
where God creates the earth

is good--
six days, well done.

And, um...

Adam and Eve.

What can we say
about those nudists?

Saucy.

And, um...

♪ silent night ♪

♪ holy night ♪

♪ all is calm ♪

Timmy?
Yes?

What are you doing?

All right,
the truth is,

My boss left his cell phone here
last night,

and he sent me
to retrieve it.

Wait, you had a man here
last night?

Well...

Well, yes, I did.

But--
you Jezebel.

No, Miles, I am just a woman
with needs.

We made a promise.

Well, my fingers were crossed.

Obviously,
your legs weren't.

As always,
perfect timing, sir.

Pleasure meeting
you all, really.

Lovely, and, um...

Congratulations again
on your engagement,

if that's still, uh...
Good night.

Hey, hon.
How could you?

How could you?

How could I what?
A text?

You tell me in a text?

Tell you what? I-I don't know
what you're talking about.

You don't want to have
a baby?

What?
Who said that?

you did.

"i don't want this
to happen ever.

"let's just forget it

And never mention it again.
Jeff."

Oh, no.
No, no, no, no.

That was a mistake.

Yes.
Yes, it was.

Come on, you couldn't have had
the guts

Just to tell me to my face?
No, look.

No, you don't understand.

That text was meant
for somebody else.

It was?
Yes.

Yes, you know
how bad I am at texting.

It's...

It's these damn giant
gorilla paws.

So you do want to have
a baby?

Yes.
Of course.

I'm totally into having a baby,

Even two, if the first one
doesn't ruin our lives.

Really?

Yes, really.

Feel better?

Yeah.
Yeah?

Good.
That was rough.

I need a beer.

So who was that text
supposed to go to anyway?

That's a whole nother story.

And, uh, I want to tell you.

But first...

Ah.

You're gonna laugh.

What are those?

Our save-the-date cards.

You know,
what's missing on these?

Stamps.

Yes.

But that's okay.

We'll try again tomorrow
with...

Stamps.

You know what this means.

No, what?

You're still on death row,

And the date has been set,

But what's this?

The phone rings.

Who could it be?

Oh, my god,
it's the governor.

What does he want?

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