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1
00:00:05,338 --> 00:00:07,306
Roseanne, I have a problem.
2
00:00:07,307 --> 00:00:09,842
The carpet in the corner
of my living room is loose.
3
00:00:09,843 --> 00:00:11,377
I need Dan to fix it.
4
00:00:11,378 --> 00:00:13,312
Jackie, remember
when I was 10 years old
5
00:00:13,313 --> 00:00:15,447
And I told you
you could come to me
6
00:00:15,448 --> 00:00:17,049
Any time that you had
a problem?
7
00:00:17,050 --> 00:00:19,551
Well, I was 10!
8
00:00:19,552 --> 00:00:21,086
Well,
he did build the place.
9
00:00:21,087 --> 00:00:22,988
You know, he's supposed
to fix that stuff.
10
00:00:22,989 --> 00:00:24,256
What's bugging you?
11
00:00:26,192 --> 00:00:27,760
Look what I found
in David's room
12
00:00:27,761 --> 00:00:29,595
When I was
cleaning today.
13
00:00:29,596 --> 00:00:30,896
[gasp]
14
00:00:30,897 --> 00:00:33,365
Oh, man, that looks like pot.
15
00:00:35,068 --> 00:00:36,402
[sniff]
16
00:00:36,403 --> 00:00:38,671
Yep. That's pot all right.
17
00:00:42,275 --> 00:00:45,144
Maryjane, stick, weed, dope.
18
00:00:46,980 --> 00:00:49,214
Call it what you like,
it's trouble.
19
00:00:50,950 --> 00:00:52,418
You know,
sometimes, Jackie,
20
00:00:52,419 --> 00:00:54,753
You must strike
yourself as weird.
21
00:00:56,122 --> 00:00:57,790
Did you tell Dan
about it yet?
22
00:00:57,791 --> 00:01:00,826
No. He's in such
a bad mood from work,
23
00:01:00,827 --> 00:01:03,162
I'm afraid of what
he would do to David.
24
00:01:03,163 --> 00:01:05,731
Well, just get him
in a really good mood,
25
00:01:05,732 --> 00:01:07,099
And then you tell him.
26
00:01:07,100 --> 00:01:09,201
Jackie,
I hardly have the time
27
00:01:09,202 --> 00:01:11,603
To get Dan all liquored up,
have sex with him,
28
00:01:11,604 --> 00:01:13,172
And make s'mores.
29
00:01:16,943 --> 00:01:20,112
I will just wait
for the perfect moment.
30
00:01:20,113 --> 00:01:23,215
[Dan]
D.J.! Get off the roof now!
31
00:01:24,484 --> 00:01:26,318
He bolted.
32
00:01:32,025 --> 00:01:34,993
How many times
have I told you
33
00:01:34,994 --> 00:01:37,029
To stay off the roof?
34
00:01:37,030 --> 00:01:38,630
I wasn't on the roof.
35
00:01:41,568 --> 00:01:43,168
Get in your room.
You're grounded.
36
00:01:45,138 --> 00:01:46,271
What?
37
00:01:46,272 --> 00:01:47,506
Dan, I was the one
38
00:01:47,507 --> 00:01:49,675
That told him he could
play on the roof.
39
00:01:49,676 --> 00:01:52,444
I figured it was
safer than the park.
40
00:01:52,445 --> 00:01:53,879
I get enough grief
at work.
41
00:01:53,880 --> 00:01:56,115
I don't need it
when I come home.
42
00:02:02,989 --> 00:02:05,057
Uh, Dan!
43
00:02:05,058 --> 00:02:07,626
Uh, Jackie's carpet
came untacked,
44
00:02:07,627 --> 00:02:09,561
And she wants you
to fix it immediately.
45
00:02:09,562 --> 00:02:11,330
Jackie
can go to hell!
46
00:02:13,033 --> 00:02:14,867
No, not the right moment.
47
00:02:16,169 --> 00:02:18,037
[theme]
48
00:02:57,577 --> 00:02:59,044
Ha ha ha ha ha!
49
00:03:05,418 --> 00:03:08,287
Oh, hey, we're with
the swedish bikini team.
50
00:03:08,288 --> 00:03:09,788
Where's our free beer?
51
00:03:11,057 --> 00:03:12,925
This is
a waste of time.
52
00:03:12,926 --> 00:03:14,860
Getting drunk isn't
gonna cheer me up.
53
00:03:14,861 --> 00:03:17,796
True, but you won't
irritate me as much.
54
00:03:19,632 --> 00:03:21,767
The guys at work are
really ticking me off.
55
00:03:21,768 --> 00:03:23,635
I can't get 'em
to listen to me,
56
00:03:23,636 --> 00:03:24,803
To take me
seriously.
57
00:03:24,804 --> 00:03:27,573
Oh, so they're
just like the kids.
58
00:03:27,574 --> 00:03:30,142
I can't afford to screw
this job up, Roseanne.
59
00:03:30,143 --> 00:03:32,311
I mean, it's okay to fail
when you're 25,
60
00:03:32,312 --> 00:03:34,146
But if you fail
when you're 42,
61
00:03:34,147 --> 00:03:35,314
You're a serious loser.
62
00:03:35,315 --> 00:03:36,749
Now, that's not
really true, honey.
63
00:03:36,750 --> 00:03:38,917
I just told you that
when you were 25
64
00:03:38,918 --> 00:03:40,519
To make you
feel better.
65
00:03:40,520 --> 00:03:42,721
Great.
The pressure's off.
66
00:03:42,722 --> 00:03:44,390
Ah. Forget it.
67
00:03:44,391 --> 00:03:45,991
You owe me
another beer.
68
00:03:45,992 --> 00:03:46,992
Ha ha ha ha!
69
00:03:46,993 --> 00:03:48,394
Oh, whoa, whoa.
70
00:03:48,395 --> 00:03:50,562
What's Pete doing here?
71
00:03:50,563 --> 00:03:52,197
He took the afternoon off
72
00:03:52,198 --> 00:03:53,899
'cause he was
supposed to be sick.
73
00:03:53,900 --> 00:03:55,467
Well, maybe he is.
74
00:03:55,468 --> 00:03:58,137
He ain't walking too steady.
75
00:03:58,138 --> 00:04:00,239
That guy there
is my biggest headache.
76
00:04:00,240 --> 00:04:02,307
He comes in late.
He does lousy work.
77
00:04:02,308 --> 00:04:05,444
Twice last week, he had
somebody else punch his time card for him.
78
00:04:05,445 --> 00:04:07,479
You hate him, Dan?
79
00:04:07,480 --> 00:04:08,847
I hate him.
80
00:04:08,848 --> 00:04:10,015
You want to kill him?
81
00:04:10,016 --> 00:04:11,784
I want to kill him.
82
00:04:11,785 --> 00:04:12,985
You go kill him.
83
00:04:12,986 --> 00:04:14,620
Bring me back some pretzels.
84
00:04:16,690 --> 00:04:17,690
[giggling]
85
00:04:17,691 --> 00:04:19,291
Thank you.
86
00:04:19,292 --> 00:04:20,726
Feeling better?
87
00:04:20,727 --> 00:04:21,927
Oh, Dan.
88
00:04:21,928 --> 00:04:23,862
Hey, uh, I didn't
expect to see you.
89
00:04:23,863 --> 00:04:25,030
I bet you didn't.
90
00:04:25,031 --> 00:04:26,965
Uh, Dan, do you know
my wife Marissa?
91
00:04:26,966 --> 00:04:28,033
No. Hey.
Hello.
92
00:04:30,070 --> 00:04:31,470
What
did the doctor say?
93
00:04:31,471 --> 00:04:33,872
Oh, he, uh, said
I should stay off my feet
94
00:04:33,873 --> 00:04:35,841
And drink plenty of fluids.
95
00:04:37,510 --> 00:04:39,611
Look, pete,
I don't like it
96
00:04:39,612 --> 00:04:41,347
When my people
lie to me.
97
00:04:41,348 --> 00:04:43,248
Your people?
What are you, moses?
98
00:04:43,249 --> 00:04:44,717
Ha ha ha ha!
99
00:04:44,718 --> 00:04:46,552
No, come on.
I'm serious.
100
00:04:46,553 --> 00:04:48,354
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
You're right. I'm busted.
101
00:04:48,355 --> 00:04:49,521
Let me make it up.
102
00:04:49,522 --> 00:04:51,423
Let me buy you
and your wife a beer.
103
00:04:51,424 --> 00:04:53,659
All right. Uh...
104
00:04:55,595 --> 00:04:57,629
I don't want to see you
hung over tomorrow.
105
00:04:57,630 --> 00:04:58,797
Don't worry.
106
00:04:58,798 --> 00:05:01,734
If i'm hung over,
I won't come in.
107
00:05:01,735 --> 00:05:04,203
He'll be on time.
He won't get drunk.
108
00:05:06,806 --> 00:05:08,674
Ha ha.
109
00:05:08,675 --> 00:05:10,342
Ha. So what the hell
was that?
110
00:05:10,343 --> 00:05:12,277
You went over there
to yell at him.
111
00:05:12,278 --> 00:05:13,712
You didn't
do a damn thing.
112
00:05:13,713 --> 00:05:15,781
And
where's my pretzels?
113
00:05:15,782 --> 00:05:17,649
Well,
he's buying us a beer.
114
00:05:17,650 --> 00:05:18,951
I'm handling it.
115
00:05:18,952 --> 00:05:20,386
No, you're not.
116
00:05:20,387 --> 00:05:22,321
You're just gonna bottle
all your anger up,
117
00:05:22,322 --> 00:05:23,989
And then you're
gonna take it home
118
00:05:23,990 --> 00:05:25,557
And take it out
on somebody there.
119
00:05:25,558 --> 00:05:28,260
I got my anger out.
I told him I was upset.
120
00:05:28,261 --> 00:05:29,762
He won't do it again.
121
00:05:29,763 --> 00:05:30,929
Yeah, he will.
122
00:05:30,930 --> 00:05:32,264
Pretty soon,
his lunch breaks
123
00:05:32,265 --> 00:05:33,832
Are gonna start
being longer,
124
00:05:33,833 --> 00:05:36,902
And then his diseases
will be more exotic.
125
00:05:36,903 --> 00:05:41,240
Then his relatives
will start dropping like flies.
126
00:05:41,241 --> 00:05:42,608
You're wrong.
I can handle him.
127
00:05:42,609 --> 00:05:44,043
I know him, Roseanne.
128
00:05:44,044 --> 00:05:46,979
I am him, Dan.
129
00:05:48,148 --> 00:05:49,848
Now, you got to start
getting tough.
130
00:05:49,849 --> 00:05:51,784
You are gonna have to
start cracking down
131
00:05:51,785 --> 00:05:54,019
On all these people
that give you a hard time.
132
00:05:54,020 --> 00:05:55,721
Fine. You're fired.
133
00:05:55,722 --> 00:05:58,057
Wish you would have
told me this 20 years ago.
134
00:06:03,663 --> 00:06:06,331
Stop it, Roseanne. You're
really starting to annoy me.
135
00:06:06,332 --> 00:06:09,468
Starting? What, have you
been ignoring me all night?
136
00:06:09,469 --> 00:06:11,670
Look, you don't understand,
Roseanne.
137
00:06:11,671 --> 00:06:12,938
When I came
into this job,
138
00:06:12,939 --> 00:06:14,340
I had 30 guys under me
139
00:06:14,341 --> 00:06:16,108
Who were all mad
they weren't made foreman.
140
00:06:16,109 --> 00:06:18,344
I can't fix every truck
in the city by myself.
141
00:06:18,345 --> 00:06:20,446
I got to get
these guys to like me
142
00:06:20,447 --> 00:06:21,647
So they'll work for me.
143
00:06:21,648 --> 00:06:23,282
That isn't how it works,
Dan.
144
00:06:23,283 --> 00:06:25,451
People don't work for you
because they like you.
145
00:06:25,452 --> 00:06:28,087
They work for you
because they fear you.
146
00:06:28,088 --> 00:06:29,455
That's the way
you work, Roseanne.
147
00:06:29,456 --> 00:06:30,956
That's
not the way I work.
148
00:06:30,957 --> 00:06:32,157
Every boss
i've ever had
149
00:06:32,158 --> 00:06:34,326
Has been a total
hard-ass jerk.
150
00:06:34,327 --> 00:06:36,261
I always swore
I wouldn't be that way.
151
00:06:36,262 --> 00:06:37,930
If I become
one of those guys,
152
00:06:37,931 --> 00:06:39,231
I'll be a hypocrite.
153
00:06:39,232 --> 00:06:40,866
I'm gonna deal
with this my way.
154
00:06:40,867 --> 00:06:42,368
If you don't like it,
that's tough.
155
00:06:42,369 --> 00:06:43,802
Dan, don't freak out.
156
00:06:43,803 --> 00:06:47,106
David's not the first kid
to bring pot in the house.
157
00:06:55,882 --> 00:06:57,416
What?
158
00:06:57,417 --> 00:07:02,087
Jackie, this is gonna be
your shortest visit ever!
159
00:07:02,088 --> 00:07:04,089
Well, you people
argue so much,
160
00:07:04,090 --> 00:07:06,692
I get so confused.
161
00:07:08,361 --> 00:07:11,230
David was smoking pot
in the house?
162
00:07:11,231 --> 00:07:15,534
What is this new
obsession with David all about?
163
00:07:17,170 --> 00:07:21,573
David! I want
to talk with you in the kitchen now!
164
00:07:21,574 --> 00:07:23,308
You want to see me
get tough?
165
00:07:23,309 --> 00:07:26,378
No, Dan, not when you're
so damn upset about pete.
166
00:07:26,379 --> 00:07:27,813
That isn't fair to David.
167
00:07:27,814 --> 00:07:29,014
I will handle it, okay?
168
00:07:29,015 --> 00:07:31,550
David should be killed
for the right reasons.
169
00:07:31,551 --> 00:07:35,487
Don't forget, now.
It can lead to other drugs
170
00:07:35,488 --> 00:07:36,655
And theft.
171
00:07:36,656 --> 00:07:39,458
And why do you think
they call it dope?
172
00:07:40,593 --> 00:07:42,528
And if you got
a couple of eggs,
173
00:07:42,529 --> 00:07:44,463
Fry those up
and do the brain thing.
174
00:07:44,464 --> 00:07:45,931
They never have
an answer for that.
175
00:07:49,436 --> 00:07:50,602
Something wrong?
176
00:07:50,603 --> 00:07:52,805
David, sit down.
177
00:07:55,508 --> 00:07:56,909
David,
178
00:07:56,910 --> 00:07:59,144
Do you smoke pot?
179
00:07:59,145 --> 00:08:04,216
Me? No. Of course not.
I would never.
180
00:08:04,217 --> 00:08:05,751
Twice.
181
00:08:11,091 --> 00:08:13,726
Well, I found this
in your room today.
182
00:08:13,727 --> 00:08:15,227
Is that yours?
183
00:08:18,598 --> 00:08:20,366
Yes.
184
00:08:20,367 --> 00:08:23,369
Well, David, I guess
I really don't need to tell you
185
00:08:23,370 --> 00:08:25,170
That drugs
can ruin your life,
186
00:08:25,171 --> 00:08:28,540
Leaving you
a physical, emotional, and spiritual wreck.
187
00:08:28,541 --> 00:08:30,776
And I don't suppose
that I have to tell you
188
00:08:30,777 --> 00:08:32,978
That you can receive
up to 5 years in prison,
189
00:08:32,979 --> 00:08:36,281
According to the latest
federal sentencing guidelines,
190
00:08:36,282 --> 00:08:39,818
And I know because I read that
in outlaw biker magazine.
191
00:08:42,422 --> 00:08:43,622
But I can tell you
192
00:08:43,623 --> 00:08:45,557
That there is a 12-year-old
boy living here,
193
00:08:45,558 --> 00:08:47,960
And if you ever bring drugs
in my house again,
194
00:08:47,961 --> 00:08:49,561
You're out, you got it?
195
00:08:49,562 --> 00:08:50,929
I think so.
196
00:08:50,930 --> 00:08:53,032
Do you have anything
to add, Dan?
197
00:08:53,033 --> 00:08:55,601
You know, you should really
get down on your knees, David,
198
00:08:55,602 --> 00:08:57,169
And thank us,
199
00:08:57,170 --> 00:08:59,972
Because a lot of people
would not be this cool.
200
00:08:59,973 --> 00:09:01,040
I know.
201
00:09:02,876 --> 00:09:03,942
Well?
202
00:09:14,087 --> 00:09:16,388
Thank you for being so cool.
203
00:09:20,060 --> 00:09:23,262
See how low drugs
have made you sink, David?
204
00:09:28,768 --> 00:09:30,803
This...
205
00:09:30,804 --> 00:09:32,738
Is your brain.
206
00:09:34,808 --> 00:09:36,375
Dan, a pan.
207
00:09:39,145 --> 00:09:40,512
And this...
208
00:09:40,513 --> 00:09:42,581
Is your brain on drugs.
209
00:09:46,953 --> 00:09:48,587
Got it.
210
00:09:48,588 --> 00:09:50,522
Go to your room, David,
211
00:09:50,523 --> 00:09:52,491
While Mr. Connor and I
decide your punishment.
212
00:10:01,601 --> 00:10:03,869
You really showed
me, Roseanne.
213
00:10:03,870 --> 00:10:05,904
Well, I hope
you took notes, Dan.
214
00:10:05,905 --> 00:10:07,873
Yep. You were tough,
you were firm,
215
00:10:07,874 --> 00:10:09,341
And now
that David fears you,
216
00:10:09,342 --> 00:10:10,743
He'll
never do that again.
217
00:10:10,744 --> 00:10:14,013
And he respects me,
Dan.
218
00:10:14,014 --> 00:10:15,881
Only one thing wrong.
219
00:10:15,882 --> 00:10:18,450
This is your pot,
Roseanne.
220
00:10:24,991 --> 00:10:27,159
What do you mean,
that's my pot?
221
00:10:27,160 --> 00:10:30,329
See how low drugs
have made you sink?
222
00:10:37,937 --> 00:10:40,639
Well, Dan,
I think I would remember
223
00:10:40,640 --> 00:10:42,107
Hiding pot in the house.
224
00:10:42,108 --> 00:10:44,443
Not if you were
stoned at the time.
225
00:10:45,912 --> 00:10:47,546
I hid it.
226
00:10:47,547 --> 00:10:49,081
Well, that's just great,
Dan.
227
00:10:49,082 --> 00:10:51,483
A very fine example
you're setting for the kids,
228
00:10:51,484 --> 00:10:52,685
Stealing
their mother's stash.
229
00:10:54,821 --> 00:10:56,455
Honey, I didn't steal it.
230
00:10:56,456 --> 00:10:58,891
I put it away 20 years ago
when we quit.
231
00:10:58,892 --> 00:11:01,627
We quit? I just thought
we were out.
232
00:11:05,598 --> 00:11:07,399
Don't you remember?
233
00:11:07,400 --> 00:11:08,767
You were pregnant
with Becky,
234
00:11:08,768 --> 00:11:10,969
And you told me
to get rid of it.
235
00:11:10,970 --> 00:11:12,805
Then why the hell
didn't you?
236
00:11:12,806 --> 00:11:15,140
I tried to flush it.
237
00:11:15,141 --> 00:11:18,577
But as I watched it
float helplessly...
238
00:11:18,578 --> 00:11:20,512
I thought to myself,
am I really ready
239
00:11:20,513 --> 00:11:22,848
For this part of my life
to be over with?
240
00:11:22,849 --> 00:11:25,718
Next thing you know, I was
down on my hands and knees
241
00:11:25,719 --> 00:11:27,519
With an aquarium net
and your hair dryer.
242
00:11:29,656 --> 00:11:32,291
Oh, god, Dan,
I--I feel terrible.
243
00:11:32,292 --> 00:11:34,693
I blamed David
for pot that was mine.
244
00:11:34,694 --> 00:11:36,662
Do you think
I owe him an apology?
245
00:11:36,663 --> 00:11:38,630
Well,
he said it was his,
246
00:11:38,631 --> 00:11:39,865
So he probably
has some,
247
00:11:39,866 --> 00:11:41,767
And now he's gonna
get rid of it.
248
00:11:41,768 --> 00:11:43,435
We may be on
to something here.
249
00:11:43,436 --> 00:11:45,371
You could yell at him
for something else
250
00:11:45,372 --> 00:11:46,972
And see what he
confesses to.
251
00:11:48,775 --> 00:11:51,210
Have you guys decided
on my punishment yet?
252
00:11:51,211 --> 00:11:52,911
Not yet, young man.
253
00:11:54,614 --> 00:11:55,948
I hope you realize
254
00:11:55,949 --> 00:11:59,618
That you have put us
into a very awkward position.
255
00:11:59,619 --> 00:12:02,087
I'm really sorry.
256
00:12:02,088 --> 00:12:05,624
Not half as sorry
as I am, mister.
257
00:12:09,662 --> 00:12:11,764
Felt good to apologize.
258
00:12:17,804 --> 00:12:19,171
Hey, Darlene.
259
00:12:19,172 --> 00:12:22,508
David? Where are you?
I can barely hear you.
260
00:12:22,509 --> 00:12:23,876
I'm at a phone booth.
261
00:12:23,877 --> 00:12:27,413
The guy who lives here
is letting me use it.
262
00:12:27,414 --> 00:12:30,082
Well, why don't you
just call from home?
263
00:12:30,083 --> 00:12:32,251
I didn't want your parents
to overhear this.
264
00:12:32,252 --> 00:12:33,652
Oh, I get it.
265
00:12:33,653 --> 00:12:36,422
So what do you want,
abuse or heavy breathing?
266
00:12:37,724 --> 00:12:39,391
I was just wondering
267
00:12:39,392 --> 00:12:41,794
If you might have left
something behind in your bedroom--
268
00:12:41,795 --> 00:12:46,165
Your socks, your hairbrush,
your marijuana?
269
00:12:46,166 --> 00:12:49,368
What are you talking about?
I don't smoke pot.
270
00:12:49,369 --> 00:12:50,903
Dulls my hatred.
271
00:12:53,873 --> 00:12:55,741
I know you've tried it,
Darlene.
272
00:12:55,742 --> 00:12:57,843
Well, i've tried
sex with you, too.
273
00:12:57,844 --> 00:12:59,678
Doesn't mean
i'm addicted.
274
00:12:59,679 --> 00:13:03,182
Well, if the pot's not yours
and it's not mine,
275
00:13:03,183 --> 00:13:04,283
Then whose is it?
276
00:13:05,819 --> 00:13:08,821
All right, Becky.
277
00:13:08,822 --> 00:13:09,922
Becky?
278
00:13:09,923 --> 00:13:11,323
So then i'm off the hook.
279
00:13:11,324 --> 00:13:13,192
I'll tell your mom
I took the blame
280
00:13:13,193 --> 00:13:14,827
'cause I thought
the pot was yours.
281
00:13:14,828 --> 00:13:16,128
And she'll say,
282
00:13:16,129 --> 00:13:17,830
"well, if you thought
it was Darlene's,
283
00:13:17,831 --> 00:13:19,331
That must mean
she smokes pot."
284
00:13:19,332 --> 00:13:22,034
Well, no. Not necessarily,
Mrs. Connor.
285
00:13:22,035 --> 00:13:23,469
Oh, so she just sells it?
286
00:13:23,470 --> 00:13:25,504
No, of course not, but--
287
00:13:25,505 --> 00:13:27,272
But nothing. Darlene is dead.
288
00:13:27,273 --> 00:13:30,175
When I see her, she's gonna
need drugs to kill the pain.
289
00:13:30,176 --> 00:13:33,712
Okay, okay. It's mine.
290
00:13:33,713 --> 00:13:35,447
Very good.
291
00:13:35,448 --> 00:13:36,648
You know, the hardest part
292
00:13:36,649 --> 00:13:38,384
Is admitting
you have a problem.
293
00:13:50,864 --> 00:13:52,831
Feeling nostalgic?
294
00:13:52,832 --> 00:13:56,368
No. I just hauled up
the rest of my stuff from the basement,
295
00:13:56,369 --> 00:14:00,839
And wanted to make sure
there was nothing incriminating left.
296
00:14:00,840 --> 00:14:03,442
Thought you threw out
the stuff years ago.
297
00:14:03,443 --> 00:14:04,777
No, that was your stuff.
298
00:14:09,516 --> 00:14:12,184
"today is the first day
of the rest of your life."
299
00:14:12,185 --> 00:14:16,255
Yeah. Who knew it was gonna
be such a long, bad day?
300
00:14:18,825 --> 00:14:20,426
Still depressed
about this David thing?
301
00:14:20,427 --> 00:14:21,560
Yeah.
302
00:14:21,561 --> 00:14:23,462
Yeah, well,
make room for daddy.
303
00:14:23,463 --> 00:14:25,197
Today I was a real man.
304
00:14:25,198 --> 00:14:27,166
I took the bull
by the horns.
305
00:14:27,167 --> 00:14:28,767
I fired pete.
306
00:14:28,768 --> 00:14:29,968
What for?
307
00:14:29,969 --> 00:14:32,037
Because you told me to.
308
00:14:32,038 --> 00:14:34,873
Well, Dan, you should
always check with me
309
00:14:34,874 --> 00:14:37,343
Before you do anything
that I told you to do.
310
00:14:37,344 --> 00:14:39,378
I did the right thing.
311
00:14:39,379 --> 00:14:42,815
I handled it
exactly correctly.
312
00:14:42,816 --> 00:14:44,750
Man, I feel terrible.
313
00:14:44,751 --> 00:14:47,252
When did it happen, Roseanne?
314
00:14:47,253 --> 00:14:49,355
When did we go
from doing stuff
315
00:14:49,356 --> 00:14:52,057
To yelling at people
for doing stuff?
316
00:14:52,058 --> 00:14:53,425
When did we get old?
317
00:14:55,795 --> 00:14:58,364
Well...For me,
318
00:14:58,365 --> 00:15:00,632
I guess it was,
uh...
319
00:15:00,633 --> 00:15:04,069
The first time
I ever discussed the corns on my feet
320
00:15:04,070 --> 00:15:05,838
With
a total stranger.
321
00:15:09,042 --> 00:15:11,443
Mom, can billy
sleep here tonight?
322
00:15:11,444 --> 00:15:13,545
No. He's rude,
323
00:15:13,546 --> 00:15:14,980
And I don't like
his parents.
324
00:15:14,981 --> 00:15:17,316
Well, then, can I
sleep over there?
325
00:15:17,317 --> 00:15:18,717
Yeah, sure.
326
00:15:21,354 --> 00:15:24,023
This is it.
327
00:15:24,024 --> 00:15:26,091
We're old.
328
00:15:26,092 --> 00:15:29,695
We'll be old
for a long, long time.
329
00:15:31,998 --> 00:15:33,699
Then we'll be dead.
330
00:15:43,843 --> 00:15:48,881
You know, we--
we have the house to ourselves tonight.
331
00:15:48,882 --> 00:15:50,549
No! I'll roll it,
i'll roll it!
332
00:15:50,550 --> 00:15:52,351
You get
too much spit on it.
333
00:15:55,622 --> 00:15:58,524
Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
334
00:16:04,130 --> 00:16:07,232
Roseanne, here's
your comforter back.
335
00:16:07,233 --> 00:16:09,101
You know what that is?
336
00:16:11,404 --> 00:16:13,906
You ain't gonna narc
on us, are you?
337
00:16:13,907 --> 00:16:15,741
What the hell
are you doing?
338
00:16:15,742 --> 00:16:17,242
You're
rolling a joint
339
00:16:17,243 --> 00:16:18,243
After yelling
at David
340
00:16:18,244 --> 00:16:19,978
For bringing pot
in the house?
341
00:16:19,979 --> 00:16:22,781
And you're using
the coffee table mom gave you?
342
00:16:27,053 --> 00:16:29,355
And you're doing it
all wrong.
343
00:16:35,495 --> 00:16:37,930
[sitar music]
344
00:16:41,801 --> 00:16:43,869
Do you feel anything?
345
00:16:45,005 --> 00:16:46,171
I'm not sure.
346
00:16:46,172 --> 00:16:48,040
Maybe the stuff
is too old.
347
00:16:49,943 --> 00:16:52,478
Did I just say
that sentence out loud?
348
00:16:54,848 --> 00:16:56,548
We're stoned.
349
00:16:58,218 --> 00:17:00,986
Do you have any more
of those pudding pops?
350
00:17:00,987 --> 00:17:03,489
No, this is the last one,
and it's mine.
351
00:17:04,891 --> 00:17:06,492
Well, I want it, Dan.
352
00:17:06,493 --> 00:17:08,660
And if I have to,
I swear to god,
353
00:17:08,661 --> 00:17:11,563
I'm gonna rip
your whole arm off to get it.
354
00:17:11,564 --> 00:17:13,198
That would suck.
355
00:17:16,603 --> 00:17:17,603
Roseanne.
356
00:17:17,604 --> 00:17:19,304
Hmm.
357
00:17:19,305 --> 00:17:23,275
You are the most wonderful,
beautiful...
358
00:17:23,276 --> 00:17:26,145
Sexy...
359
00:17:26,146 --> 00:17:27,913
You know, thing.
360
00:17:30,350 --> 00:17:33,318
I really,
really love you.
361
00:17:36,222 --> 00:17:37,322
What?
362
00:17:43,663 --> 00:17:45,831
I thought this stuff
would make me feel younger.
363
00:17:45,832 --> 00:17:48,567
All I feel is old
and tired and hungry.
364
00:17:48,568 --> 00:17:53,138
Man, maybe this
is how we got fat.
365
00:17:57,744 --> 00:17:59,545
[woman]
nobody loves me.
366
00:18:10,924 --> 00:18:13,692
Oh, hi, Jackie.
We thought you went home.
367
00:18:13,693 --> 00:18:16,428
What do you mean?
I got nothing.
368
00:18:16,429 --> 00:18:18,263
No boyfriend,
no meaningful job,
369
00:18:18,264 --> 00:18:19,298
No husband, no family.
370
00:18:19,299 --> 00:18:21,166
It's just me.
371
00:18:21,167 --> 00:18:23,369
It's just me
and my ganja.
372
00:18:36,349 --> 00:18:37,349
[door closes]
373
00:18:37,350 --> 00:18:39,852
Did you hear that?
374
00:18:39,853 --> 00:18:42,755
Sounded like somebody's
coming through the front door.
375
00:18:42,756 --> 00:18:46,792
You shouldn't be
all paranoid, Dan!
376
00:18:46,793 --> 00:18:49,595
Birds, birds, birds!
377
00:18:49,596 --> 00:18:52,231
Woo! Don't you hate that
when you're stoned?
378
00:18:52,232 --> 00:18:53,932
I don't like it
any time!
379
00:18:59,072 --> 00:19:00,205
[door closes]
380
00:19:00,206 --> 00:19:02,174
Now don't tell me
you didn't hear that.
381
00:19:02,175 --> 00:19:05,611
Is this the sink?
Am I shrinking?
382
00:19:11,384 --> 00:19:12,451
[knock on door]
383
00:19:12,452 --> 00:19:14,853
[d.J.] mom!
384
00:19:14,854 --> 00:19:16,555
The jig is up!
385
00:19:17,724 --> 00:19:19,291
D.J.
386
00:19:23,930 --> 00:19:25,531
D.J.
387
00:19:25,532 --> 00:19:28,233
D...J.
388
00:19:28,234 --> 00:19:30,669
D.J. D.J.
389
00:19:30,670 --> 00:19:32,571
Did you ever notice
how weird that sounds?
390
00:19:32,572 --> 00:19:34,139
D.J.
391
00:19:34,140 --> 00:19:35,140
Shh!
392
00:19:35,141 --> 00:19:37,976
[whispering]
Dan, maintain.
393
00:19:39,779 --> 00:19:40,846
And...
394
00:19:47,087 --> 00:19:48,887
What do you want,
D.J.?
395
00:19:51,157 --> 00:19:53,325
God, you're right.
396
00:19:53,326 --> 00:19:55,260
I forgot
my sleeping bag.
397
00:19:55,261 --> 00:19:56,595
Where is it?
398
00:19:58,264 --> 00:20:01,433
Oh, well, it is out
behind the house,
399
00:20:01,434 --> 00:20:03,102
You know, past the yard,
you know,
400
00:20:03,103 --> 00:20:05,037
Uh, in that building
back there, you know,
401
00:20:05,038 --> 00:20:08,040
Where your dad always is
with the tools and the car?
402
00:20:09,943 --> 00:20:11,510
Thanks, mom.
403
00:20:16,082 --> 00:20:18,350
Oh, my god.
I'm, like, the worst mother
404
00:20:18,351 --> 00:20:19,785
On the face of the earth.
405
00:20:19,786 --> 00:20:21,420
No, you're not.
406
00:20:21,421 --> 00:20:22,788
Yes, I am, Dan.
407
00:20:22,789 --> 00:20:24,957
I don't even know
where I sent my kid.
408
00:20:28,128 --> 00:20:29,995
Well, say he falls down,
you know,
409
00:20:29,996 --> 00:20:32,064
And--and he breaks
one of his organs,
410
00:20:32,065 --> 00:20:33,732
And he needs a transplant
from me,
411
00:20:33,733 --> 00:20:35,901
But I can't give him
any of my organs
412
00:20:35,902 --> 00:20:37,369
Because they're
all full of pot!
413
00:20:40,707 --> 00:20:43,375
That's not going
to happen, honey.
414
00:20:43,376 --> 00:20:44,710
I just know.
415
00:20:44,711 --> 00:20:45,978
There--
there's just no way
416
00:20:45,979 --> 00:20:48,714
I--I could handle
any kind of crisis thing.
417
00:20:48,715 --> 00:20:52,017
Well, maybe I could.
418
00:20:53,653 --> 00:20:57,890
Oh, god, I just want
our normal lives back!
419
00:20:57,891 --> 00:21:01,493
Were we ever really stupid
enough to enjoy this?
420
00:21:01,494 --> 00:21:02,828
Yes, we were, Dan.
421
00:21:02,829 --> 00:21:06,498
But, you know, that was
a very different time.
422
00:21:06,499 --> 00:21:09,234
There was--
there was a war going on.
423
00:21:09,235 --> 00:21:11,537
Everything
was just a lot more fun.
424
00:21:13,540 --> 00:21:16,308
Everything's okay.
425
00:21:16,309 --> 00:21:18,944
We'll just get
the rest of the stuff and flush it,
426
00:21:18,945 --> 00:21:21,647
And we'll never ever
do this again.
427
00:21:21,648 --> 00:21:23,482
Let's go lay down.
428
00:21:27,387 --> 00:21:28,520
What?
429
00:21:30,590 --> 00:21:31,757
Let's go.
430
00:21:40,033 --> 00:21:41,333
[Jackie]
hey, guys?
431
00:21:43,036 --> 00:21:45,004
I don't think
this stuff is working.
432
00:21:50,377 --> 00:21:51,510
Hey.
433
00:21:56,149 --> 00:21:57,950
Listen, I don't
blame you guys
434
00:21:57,951 --> 00:21:59,251
For getting mad at me,
435
00:21:59,252 --> 00:22:00,686
But i've been thinking
about something,
436
00:22:00,687 --> 00:22:02,621
And I got to tell you
the truth.
437
00:22:02,622 --> 00:22:05,057
The pot you found
in the basement wasn't mine.
438
00:22:06,726 --> 00:22:10,529
It's really important to me
what you guys think about me.
439
00:22:10,530 --> 00:22:12,931
And yeah, i'm not stupid
enough to do drugs.
440
00:22:12,932 --> 00:22:14,867
Yeah, I tried it
when I was younger,
441
00:22:14,868 --> 00:22:17,036
But i'm much too mature
and smart now
442
00:22:17,037 --> 00:22:18,637
To do anything that stupid.
443
00:22:22,208 --> 00:22:24,576
I mean, I know guys
at school that do it,
444
00:22:24,577 --> 00:22:26,612
And they're just like
these useless zombies.
445
00:22:34,254 --> 00:22:35,821
There's no eggs
left?
446
00:22:35,871 --> 00:22:40,421
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