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Downloaded From www.AllSubs.org
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that's more like it.
3
00:00:57,235 --> 00:00:59,200
mom, the bathrooms
are done,
4
00:00:59,235 --> 00:01:01,701
but nobody can use them will
grandpa gets here tomorrow night.
5
00:01:01,736 --> 00:01:03,701
how about we don't
use them all year
6
00:01:03,736 --> 00:01:05,701
and then we never have
to clean 'em?
7
00:01:05,736 --> 00:01:08,567
- i found a quarter.
- that's mine.i lost it.
8
00:01:08,602 --> 00:01:10,133
finder's keepers.
9
00:01:10,168 --> 00:01:13,634
darlene, i found five bucks
under your bed yesterday.
10
00:01:13,669 --> 00:01:15,567
- what?
- tell her, d.j.
11
00:01:15,602 --> 00:01:18,234
finder's keepers.
12
00:01:18,269 --> 00:01:19,868
oh, no,
13
00:01:19,903 --> 00:01:22,133
don't tell me
the maid didn't show up.
14
00:01:22,168 --> 00:01:24,300
great news, dan.
15
00:01:24,335 --> 00:01:26,634
my dad's decided not
to come for the weekend?
16
00:01:26,669 --> 00:01:28,634
right, he's coming
for the whole week.
17
00:01:28,669 --> 00:01:31,133
- you're kidding me.
- right.
18
00:01:31,168 --> 00:01:33,934
i- i hate you.
19
00:01:36,734 --> 00:01:40,000
okay, you guys, when i get
back, i wanna see this room
20
00:01:40,035 --> 00:01:43,667
like i left it
this morning, only clean.
21
00:01:43,702 --> 00:01:45,667
i already did my share.
22
00:01:45,702 --> 00:01:47,667
how come i always
have to help them?
23
00:01:47,702 --> 00:01:50,634
- because you're the oldest.
- bOTH: ha-ha!
24
00:01:50,669 --> 00:01:53,234
and 'cause i pay you
twice as much allowance.
25
00:01:53,269 --> 00:01:56,300
- bOTH: what?
- ha-ha.
26
00:01:59,200 --> 00:02:01,167
hey, what you
reading, handsome?
27
00:02:01,202 --> 00:02:02,868
how to fix
a cement finisher.
28
00:02:02,903 --> 00:02:06,234
oh, yeah, i think i saw that movie, dan.
29
00:02:06,269 --> 00:02:08,000
isn't that the one
30
00:02:08,035 --> 00:02:10,467
where the son hides out
in the garage all weekend
31
00:02:10,502 --> 00:02:13,667
fixing the cement finisher
to avoid his father?
32
00:02:13,702 --> 00:02:16,467
don't tell me how it ends.
33
00:02:18,000 --> 00:02:20,734
there is no end, dan,
'cause there's no beginning.
34
00:02:20,769 --> 00:02:23,968
if hiding out's your tactic
this year, it ain't gonna work.
35
00:02:24,003 --> 00:02:26,701
what tactic? i got to finish
the cement finisher, don't i?
36
00:02:26,736 --> 00:02:28,834
yeah, but you've been
talking about doing that
37
00:02:28,869 --> 00:02:30,167
for the past three months.
38
00:02:30,202 --> 00:02:32,200
just break down
and buy a new one.
39
00:02:32,235 --> 00:02:34,934
you got any idea how much
a new cement finisher costs?
40
00:02:34,969 --> 00:02:36,267
no, dan,
41
00:02:36,302 --> 00:02:39,133
i missed this month's copy
of "modern pavement."
42
00:02:45,736 --> 00:02:48,033
haven't you ever heard of a
father and son not getting along?
43
00:02:48,068 --> 00:02:50,367
i hear it all the time.
i'm tired of it.
44
00:02:50,402 --> 00:02:51,868
he's a sweet man.
45
00:02:51,903 --> 00:02:53,534
he's a little
overbearing,
46
00:02:53,569 --> 00:02:55,534
but this family's
all he has.
47
00:02:55,569 --> 00:02:58,200
and he's gonna spend the whole
weekend telling me how to run it.
48
00:02:58,235 --> 00:03:01,734
oh, you run
this family?
49
00:03:01,769 --> 00:03:03,434
i mean it, rose.
50
00:03:03,469 --> 00:03:05,467
he's gonna walk in here
and he's gonna tell me
51
00:03:05,502 --> 00:03:07,534
i'm wasting my time
as a contractor.
52
00:03:07,569 --> 00:03:10,434
he's gonna say,
"work smart, danny, not hard."
53
00:03:10,469 --> 00:03:11,968
so why don't you
give yourself a break.
54
00:03:12,003 --> 00:03:13,667
you handle him
smart, not hard.
55
00:03:13,702 --> 00:03:16,334
well, it's easier
than it sounds.
56
00:03:16,369 --> 00:03:17,834
i'm sorry to say it,
57
00:03:17,869 --> 00:03:19,834
but he really gets
on my nerves.
58
00:03:19,869 --> 00:03:21,834
yeah, but these visits
are really important
59
00:03:21,869 --> 00:03:23,567
to your dad, dan.
60
00:03:23,602 --> 00:03:26,334
i know.
i'm being silly.
61
00:03:26,369 --> 00:03:29,133
well, anyway, he's only
gonna be here 72 hours.
62
00:03:29,168 --> 00:03:32,901
flies live out their
entire life span in 72 hours.
63
00:03:32,936 --> 00:03:35,701
so maybe he'll get caught
in the screen door
64
00:03:35,736 --> 00:03:37,734
and he'll
be here forever.
65
00:03:45,033 --> 00:03:46,667
hey, lover boy.
66
00:03:46,702 --> 00:03:48,000
i'm ready for him.
67
00:03:48,035 --> 00:03:50,334
i told you i was gonna
make this weekend work.
68
00:03:50,369 --> 00:03:52,767
bottle of gold premium,
his favorite.
69
00:03:52,802 --> 00:03:54,634
sodium-free club soda.
70
00:03:54,669 --> 00:03:57,534
and here's the clincher-
barq's gourmet cashews.
71
00:03:59,903 --> 00:04:03,467
- grandpa!
- how come they never run like that when i come home?
72
00:04:03,502 --> 00:04:06,734
they do, dan, it's just
in the opposite direction.
73
00:04:08,534 --> 00:04:10,534
come on. this is gonna work out great.
74
00:04:10,569 --> 00:04:12,567
- don't worry.
- that's the spirit, honey.
75
00:04:12,602 --> 00:04:14,567
remember, he's your father and he loves you,
76
00:04:14,602 --> 00:04:16,567
and when that fly dies,
he's out of here.
77
00:04:16,602 --> 00:04:18,767
hon, the house looks great.
78
00:04:18,802 --> 00:04:20,767
yeah, we should
enjoy it now
79
00:04:20,802 --> 00:04:22,901
'cause it won't look like
this again till d.j. moves out.
80
00:04:22,936 --> 00:04:24,634
hi, grandpa.
81
00:04:24,669 --> 00:04:27,033
d.j., quit pulling.
82
00:04:27,068 --> 00:04:30,601
darlene, are you sure
you can handle that?
83
00:04:30,636 --> 00:04:33,334
no problem, grandpa.
84
00:04:33,369 --> 00:04:36,467
what did i tell you kids about
letting strangers in the house?
85
00:04:36,502 --> 00:04:40,167
i am no stranger
than the guy you married.
86
00:04:40,202 --> 00:04:41,767
rosebud!
87
00:04:41,802 --> 00:04:43,868
the daughter i never had.
88
00:04:43,903 --> 00:04:46,968
yeah, well, ed, you
would've died in labor.
89
00:04:48,901 --> 00:04:50,801
how's it going, dad?
90
00:04:50,836 --> 00:04:52,267
danny, danny, danny.
91
00:04:52,302 --> 00:04:55,767
i didn't drive 320 miles
for a handshake.
92
00:04:55,802 --> 00:04:57,267
how about a google?
93
00:04:57,302 --> 00:04:59,667
- come here!
- aah!aah!
94
00:05:02,901 --> 00:05:05,601
see?
that's my little boy.
95
00:05:09,235 --> 00:05:10,901
bOTH: wah-oh!
96
00:05:14,601 --> 00:05:16,367
how you been, dad?
97
00:05:16,402 --> 00:05:18,300
i've been great, i've been great.
how about you, how's i goin'?
98
00:05:18,335 --> 00:05:20,367
great, great,
business is terrific.
99
00:05:20,402 --> 00:05:23,200
- you look great.
- i'm feeling great, son.
100
00:05:23,235 --> 00:05:26,400
- tell, grandpa.
- i got something for you, grandpa.
101
00:05:26,435 --> 00:05:28,667
well, i have got
something for you, too.
102
00:05:28,702 --> 00:05:30,934
darlene, do you think you
could get that suitcase open?
103
00:05:30,969 --> 00:05:32,200
now, listen...
104
00:05:32,235 --> 00:05:35,534
i want you to take very
good care of that, all right?
105
00:05:35,569 --> 00:05:38,033
that is genuine camel's hair.
106
00:05:38,068 --> 00:05:40,234
so it won't need
much water.
107
00:05:41,834 --> 00:05:44,000
here you go, sport.
108
00:05:44,035 --> 00:05:46,200
- thanks.
- rOSEANNE: whoa.
109
00:05:46,235 --> 00:05:48,667
let's see.
darlene.darlene!
110
00:05:48,702 --> 00:05:50,667
any darlenes
in this house?
111
00:05:50,702 --> 00:05:53,100
- right here.
- oh, there you go.
112
00:05:53,135 --> 00:05:55,234
wow.an ant farm.
113
00:05:55,269 --> 00:05:57,367
no.it's no farm.
that's a condo.yeah.
114
00:05:57,402 --> 00:05:59,601
you see,
that's an ant condo.
115
00:05:59,636 --> 00:06:01,934
there's a little health club
for them on the top floor.
116
00:06:01,969 --> 00:06:05,601
so they can bulk up
and become roaches.
117
00:06:05,636 --> 00:06:08,267
what about me, grandpa?
118
00:06:08,302 --> 00:06:09,968
what about you,
honey?
119
00:06:10,003 --> 00:06:11,400
you know.
120
00:06:11,435 --> 00:06:13,300
know what?
121
00:06:13,335 --> 00:06:15,567
grandpa,
where's my present?
122
00:06:16,634 --> 00:06:18,334
oh, no.
123
00:06:18,369 --> 00:06:20,567
i knew i was gonna
forget somebody.
124
00:06:20,602 --> 00:06:21,834
grandpa.
125
00:06:21,869 --> 00:06:24,133
there's got to be
something here somewhere.
126
00:06:24,168 --> 00:06:27,934
some one last thing.
i just- oh!
127
00:06:27,969 --> 00:06:29,734
see, that's a diary.
128
00:06:29,769 --> 00:06:31,734
you wear the key
close to your heart
129
00:06:31,769 --> 00:06:34,434
so it won't
be read by...
130
00:06:34,469 --> 00:06:35,767
thanks, grandpa.
131
00:06:35,802 --> 00:06:37,734
yours is in the mail.
132
00:06:37,769 --> 00:06:40,400
ed, you know you don't
have to bring us anything.
133
00:06:40,435 --> 00:06:43,067
as soon as you leave,
we take their stuff.
134
00:06:44,801 --> 00:06:47,267
dad, i got a little
something for you
135
00:06:47,302 --> 00:06:48,901
out in the kitchen.
136
00:06:48,936 --> 00:06:51,701
son, you don't have
to get anything for me.
137
00:06:51,736 --> 00:06:53,934
dan, i told you he doesn't
want that cash gift
138
00:06:53,969 --> 00:06:56,267
of over $10,000.
139
00:06:56,302 --> 00:06:58,501
grandpa, show me
how these work.
140
00:06:58,536 --> 00:06:59,834
okay, here.
141
00:06:59,869 --> 00:07:01,901
you see,
you are under arrest.
142
00:07:01,936 --> 00:07:03,801
but... no!
143
00:07:03,836 --> 00:07:05,834
cool.let my try.
144
00:07:06,901 --> 00:07:08,901
darlene, i got a feeling
145
00:07:08,936 --> 00:07:12,300
you're gonna have an even
nicer pair of those someday.
146
00:07:16,467 --> 00:07:19,000
i don't know
how you two do it.
147
00:07:19,035 --> 00:07:21,601
- how about it, dad?
- gold premium?
148
00:07:21,636 --> 00:07:24,734
- that's the best there is.
- yeah, go pretty good with those cashews.
149
00:07:24,769 --> 00:07:27,601
somebody's living
the high life around here.
150
00:07:27,636 --> 00:07:29,200
who?
151
00:07:30,834 --> 00:07:33,400
ed, why don't you just
go ahead and open 'em up.
152
00:07:33,435 --> 00:07:34,734
sure, rosie,
right away.
153
00:07:34,769 --> 00:07:36,734
danny, how much
you pay for these?
154
00:07:36,769 --> 00:07:39,634
whatever it was,
i'm sure it was too much.
155
00:07:39,669 --> 00:07:41,634
you know the deals
my dad gets.
156
00:07:41,669 --> 00:07:44,801
when you've got friends,
you never pay retail.
157
00:07:44,836 --> 00:07:47,901
you don't mean to tell me you actually
have friends in the nut business?
158
00:07:47,936 --> 00:07:49,467
nuts, cookies,
159
00:07:49,502 --> 00:07:51,267
candies, lighters,
160
00:07:51,302 --> 00:07:53,734
pens, tongs.
161
00:07:53,769 --> 00:07:56,901
you never pay full price
for that stuff.
162
00:07:58,102 --> 00:07:59,968
- dARLENE: i got it!
- take my car.
163
00:08:00,003 --> 00:08:02,133
800 bucks
off the list price.
164
00:08:02,168 --> 00:08:04,467
right, and they also threw
in a digital radio.
165
00:08:04,502 --> 00:08:08,000
- and you know why?
- you're friends with the salesman.
166
00:08:08,035 --> 00:08:09,667
that's right, danny boy.
167
00:08:09,702 --> 00:08:11,033
cRYSTAL:
hey, everybody.
168
00:08:11,068 --> 00:08:13,334
- hey.
- hope i'm not interrupting.
169
00:08:13,369 --> 00:08:15,901
- crystal, you remember ed.
- my, my, my.
170
00:08:15,936 --> 00:08:17,834
take my breath away.
171
00:08:17,869 --> 00:08:19,868
well, hello, ed.
172
00:08:19,903 --> 00:08:22,434
there must be something
in the lanford water
173
00:08:22,469 --> 00:08:25,200
because you get prettier
every time i see you.
174
00:08:25,235 --> 00:08:27,901
and every time i see you,
you have more charm.
175
00:08:27,936 --> 00:08:30,067
he gets it wholesale.
176
00:08:31,601 --> 00:08:34,100
roseanne, i got
an emergency.
177
00:08:34,135 --> 00:08:35,467
my hair dryer's busted.
178
00:08:35,502 --> 00:08:37,467
the darn thing's supposed
to have three settings-
179
00:08:37,502 --> 00:08:40,567
cool, warm, and hot
- but all i could get was cool, hot, and hot.
180
00:08:40,602 --> 00:08:42,667
you got one
i could borrow?
181
00:08:42,702 --> 00:08:44,067
nah.
182
00:08:44,102 --> 00:08:45,734
geez, i wish i knew somebody
183
00:08:45,769 --> 00:08:49,234
that could get me a good deal
on one of those darn things.
184
00:08:52,133 --> 00:08:53,934
1971.
185
00:08:53,969 --> 00:08:55,501
hair dryers.
186
00:08:55,536 --> 00:08:58,534
west coast distributorship.
i was this close, danny.
187
00:08:58,569 --> 00:09:00,200
this close.
188
00:09:02,267 --> 00:09:04,767
your cubs
are looking good this year.
189
00:09:04,802 --> 00:09:06,467
yeah, they are.
yeah, they are.
190
00:09:06,502 --> 00:09:08,434
'course it's still
spring training.
191
00:09:08,469 --> 00:09:10,033
i don't know,
they could be contenders.
192
00:09:10,068 --> 00:09:13,000
everybody's a contender
in spring training.
193
00:09:14,901 --> 00:09:17,133
"cement finisher
maintenance manual."
194
00:09:17,168 --> 00:09:18,567
no, that's nothing.
195
00:09:18,602 --> 00:09:20,567
cement finisher's
acting up again.
196
00:09:20,602 --> 00:09:22,567
seems to me that thing
is always broken.
197
00:09:22,602 --> 00:09:24,000
nah, nah.
198
00:09:25,300 --> 00:09:27,334
- how's business, dad?
- never better.
199
00:09:27,369 --> 00:09:30,467
i'm selling forklifts
faster than they can make 'em.
200
00:09:30,502 --> 00:09:32,367
good for you, dad.
201
00:09:32,402 --> 00:09:35,100
that's why they stick me
with this punk kid
202
00:09:35,135 --> 00:09:38,734
who couldn't sell a life
preserver to a drowning man.
203
00:09:38,769 --> 00:09:40,400
i told the sales manager,
204
00:09:40,435 --> 00:09:43,300
"if i had my son with me, we could put
this company right through the top."
205
00:09:43,335 --> 00:09:46,133
pa, i don't need you talking
to no sales manager for me, dad.
206
00:09:46,168 --> 00:09:48,133
we've been over this
a million times.
207
00:09:48,168 --> 00:09:49,968
i ain't no salesman.
208
00:09:50,003 --> 00:09:52,501
well, yeah, the world needs handymen, too.
209
00:09:52,536 --> 00:09:55,334
i'm not a handyman, dad.
i'm a contractor.
210
00:09:55,369 --> 00:09:57,734
you could be a salesman.
you could be a damn good one.
211
00:09:57,769 --> 00:09:59,901
- i like what i do.
- i didn't say you didn't.
212
00:09:59,936 --> 00:10:02,567
all i am saying is you got
to work smart, not hard.
213
00:10:02,602 --> 00:10:04,534
work smart, not hard.
214
00:10:04,569 --> 00:10:06,334
i'm building a business,
and it takes time.
215
00:10:06,369 --> 00:10:08,100
what are
you building?
216
00:10:08,135 --> 00:10:10,834
you're a contractor. what do you
work, six months out of the year?
217
00:10:10,869 --> 00:10:12,968
yeah
- we're a little slow during the wintertime.
218
00:10:13,003 --> 00:10:14,501
that's what
i'm talking about.
219
00:10:14,536 --> 00:10:17,100
- i got stuff lined up.
- lined up?
220
00:10:17,135 --> 00:10:19,968
you have a family. you got to
line something up for this family.
221
00:10:20,003 --> 00:10:22,601
- i take good care of my family.
- i know you do, son.
222
00:10:22,636 --> 00:10:24,534
no, you don't know.
you don't know.
223
00:10:24,569 --> 00:10:27,200
i ain't a salesman. i'm a
contractor. and let's drop it.
224
00:10:27,235 --> 00:10:28,501
fine.
225
00:10:29,634 --> 00:10:32,234
- bye-bye, ed.
- bye-bye, sugar.
226
00:10:32,269 --> 00:10:34,267
you keep drinking
that water.
227
00:10:34,302 --> 00:10:37,367
dARLENE: grandpa, i can't find
the key for these handcuffs!
228
00:10:37,402 --> 00:10:39,133
they don't need a key.
229
00:10:39,168 --> 00:10:42,634
i'll show you again,
but this is the last time.
230
00:10:42,669 --> 00:10:46,567
- what did he do?
- he did exactly what i said he was gonna do.
231
00:10:46,602 --> 00:10:49,667
he's not here five minutes and i'm a
handyman who can't support his family.
232
00:10:49,702 --> 00:10:51,734
- well, dan- - i don't wanna
talk about it, roseanne.
233
00:10:51,769 --> 00:10:53,734
he just better stay the hell
outta my way this whole visit.
234
00:10:53,769 --> 00:10:55,734
i don't care if
i ever see him again.
235
00:11:00,834 --> 00:11:03,868
i guess i really messed things
up this time, huh, rosie?
236
00:11:03,903 --> 00:11:06,467
yeah, ed.
it's all over your shoes.
237
00:11:09,234 --> 00:11:12,801
- here, ant.
- come and get it.
238
00:11:12,836 --> 00:11:14,133
what are you guys doing?
239
00:11:14,168 --> 00:11:15,667
me and d.j.'s
trapping ants
240
00:11:15,702 --> 00:11:17,133
for his ant condo.
241
00:11:17,168 --> 00:11:19,734
we put jelly
on bread, grandpa.
242
00:11:19,769 --> 00:11:21,334
when the ants come out,
243
00:11:21,369 --> 00:11:24,434
we smash 'em over the head
with a two-by-four.
244
00:11:24,469 --> 00:11:27,200
same way i caught dan.
245
00:11:27,235 --> 00:11:29,234
where is danny boy?
246
00:11:29,269 --> 00:11:31,234
i thought for sure
he'd be out here.
247
00:11:31,269 --> 00:11:34,234
well, he went out
for a glass of coolant.
248
00:11:35,734 --> 00:11:38,000
he's really got
some temper, huh?
249
00:11:38,035 --> 00:11:40,133
only on special occasions.
250
00:11:42,400 --> 00:11:45,601
where are you going? somebody's got
to stay in here and catch these ants.
251
00:11:45,636 --> 00:11:47,367
you can.
252
00:11:47,402 --> 00:11:48,934
gee, thanks.
253
00:11:48,969 --> 00:11:50,934
got a great
kid there.
254
00:11:50,969 --> 00:11:53,133
yeah, he's great
when he's not rotten.
255
00:11:53,168 --> 00:11:56,067
there's no such thing
as a rotten son, rosie.
256
00:11:56,102 --> 00:11:57,734
they're too precious.
257
00:11:57,769 --> 00:12:00,767
i don't know about mothers and
sons, but with fathers and sons...
258
00:12:00,802 --> 00:12:03,934
a father looks at his son, and he
sees every mistake he ever made.
259
00:12:03,969 --> 00:12:05,934
he just wants to put him
on some kind of path
260
00:12:05,969 --> 00:12:07,400
where he won't make
those same mistakes.
261
00:12:07,435 --> 00:12:09,601
- but, ed-
- no, a father and a son...
262
00:12:09,636 --> 00:12:11,467
you see what would've,
263
00:12:11,502 --> 00:12:13,200
what could've,
what should've been.
264
00:12:13,235 --> 00:12:15,200
ed- ed, when you're
on the phone,
265
00:12:15,235 --> 00:12:16,801
do you ever use
the top half?
266
00:12:18,634 --> 00:12:21,501
oh, oh, yeah- yeah, i run off
at the mouth sometime,
267
00:12:21,536 --> 00:12:22,834
but so do you.
268
00:12:22,869 --> 00:12:24,367
yeah, but when i speak,
269
00:12:24,402 --> 00:12:28,067
i'm speaking
for all of womankind.
270
00:12:28,102 --> 00:12:31,567
what does all of womankind
know about fathers and sons?
271
00:12:31,602 --> 00:12:34,133
all i was doing was giving
danny a little fatherly advice.
272
00:12:34,168 --> 00:12:36,334
but that's the thing
about fatherly advice.
273
00:12:36,369 --> 00:12:38,334
it's a give-and-take
kind of thing.
274
00:12:38,369 --> 00:12:40,334
you can only
give it so much
275
00:12:40,369 --> 00:12:43,934
before the kid
can't take it anymore.
276
00:12:43,969 --> 00:12:46,033
- yeah, but-
- yeah, but-
277
00:12:46,068 --> 00:12:48,167
bOTH: you know-
278
00:12:48,202 --> 00:12:51,200
- you should go talk to him.
- talk to him, yeah.
279
00:13:00,300 --> 00:13:02,234
the world's
still out there?
280
00:13:08,734 --> 00:13:10,133
hey, danny,
281
00:13:10,168 --> 00:13:12,968
you remember 1962,
282
00:13:13,003 --> 00:13:15,567
wrigley field, opening day?
283
00:13:15,602 --> 00:13:17,801
you were there.
284
00:13:17,836 --> 00:13:19,334
who's on the mound?
285
00:13:19,369 --> 00:13:21,267
the pitcher.
286
00:13:25,267 --> 00:13:27,267
you don't know, do you?
287
00:13:27,302 --> 00:13:30,601
it's a big guy, right-hander. i
really can't think of his name.
288
00:13:30,636 --> 00:13:32,334
neither can i.
289
00:13:34,934 --> 00:13:38,133
i once had this fight
with this guy,
290
00:13:38,168 --> 00:13:40,133
earl veltoff.
291
00:13:40,168 --> 00:13:42,133
he and i were partners
out in des moines
292
00:13:42,168 --> 00:13:44,634
for three weeks.
293
00:13:44,669 --> 00:13:46,734
he had the most
annoying habit.
294
00:13:46,769 --> 00:13:49,834
he used to suck his teeth.
295
00:13:49,869 --> 00:13:53,367
cardwell was on the mound,
don cardwell.
296
00:13:53,402 --> 00:13:56,033
that's the guy.
297
00:13:56,068 --> 00:13:58,467
yeah,
we almost got a foul ball.
298
00:13:58,502 --> 00:14:01,300
- this close.this close.
- yeah.
299
00:14:01,335 --> 00:14:03,801
we would've had it, too, if you hadn't
been yakking to the people behind us
300
00:14:03,836 --> 00:14:06,400
about the invention
of the forklift.
301
00:14:08,167 --> 00:14:11,033
you know what
this is like, danny?
302
00:14:11,068 --> 00:14:12,534
this is like ants.
303
00:14:14,167 --> 00:14:16,834
what's like ants? what the
hell are you talking about?
304
00:14:16,869 --> 00:14:19,100
you and me.
305
00:14:19,135 --> 00:14:22,267
when an insect
threatens an anthill,
306
00:14:22,302 --> 00:14:25,767
the ants instinctively protect
those they're related to.
307
00:14:25,802 --> 00:14:28,367
that's nature.
that's life.
308
00:14:28,402 --> 00:14:30,634
that's dinner.see ya.
309
00:14:31,801 --> 00:14:33,968
- hey, danny.
- what?
310
00:14:34,003 --> 00:14:35,968
i came here
to square things with you.
311
00:14:36,003 --> 00:14:37,968
why are you
making it so tough?
312
00:14:39,667 --> 00:14:41,400
we're square, pop.
313
00:14:43,868 --> 00:14:46,133
cardwell was knocked out
in the first.
314
00:14:46,168 --> 00:14:49,033
- who did they bring in?
- bob buhl.
315
00:14:57,267 --> 00:14:58,968
1956.
316
00:14:59,003 --> 00:15:00,567
oh, that was a year.
317
00:15:00,602 --> 00:15:02,534
pass the potatoes, please.
318
00:15:02,569 --> 00:15:05,567
if something almost happened in
1956, we wouldn't be sitting here.
319
00:15:05,602 --> 00:15:07,567
do beets stain
your teeth?
320
00:15:07,602 --> 00:15:09,567
we were on the road
to memphis.
321
00:15:09,602 --> 00:15:12,334
- you were about three years old,
danny- you remember? - vividly.
322
00:15:12,369 --> 00:15:13,767
it was raining
cats and dogs.
323
00:15:13,802 --> 00:15:16,801
the windshield wipers,
they're working like a charm.
324
00:15:16,836 --> 00:15:18,701
i said to your mother,
325
00:15:18,736 --> 00:15:22,234
"audrey, i'm gonna revolutionize
the automobile industry."
326
00:15:22,269 --> 00:15:24,334
an idea as simple
as a hula hoop,
327
00:15:24,369 --> 00:15:26,334
as practical
as a paper clip.
328
00:15:26,369 --> 00:15:29,100
- who knows what it is?
- mud flaps?
329
00:15:29,135 --> 00:15:30,567
no.that's pretty good.
330
00:15:30,602 --> 00:15:34,000
but now see, try to think
about the rear of the car.
331
00:15:34,035 --> 00:15:36,067
ed, the only thing
i can think of
332
00:15:36,102 --> 00:15:38,067
that you do
in the rear of a car,
333
00:15:38,102 --> 00:15:40,033
i know you
didn't invent it.
334
00:15:42,367 --> 00:15:43,868
rear
windshield wipers.
335
00:15:43,903 --> 00:15:46,834
give this young lady
64 silver dollars.
336
00:15:46,869 --> 00:15:48,901
you invented
rear windshield wipers?
337
00:15:48,936 --> 00:15:50,934
could've,
should've, would've.
338
00:15:50,969 --> 00:15:52,667
boy, i'm telling you.
339
00:15:52,702 --> 00:15:56,000
but your mother, she had
to have a rest stop.
340
00:15:56,035 --> 00:15:57,567
well, casting
no aspersions,
341
00:15:57,602 --> 00:15:59,567
she was eight months
pregnant at the time.
342
00:15:59,602 --> 00:16:01,167
she was
a little incontinent.
343
00:16:01,202 --> 00:16:04,934
so we stop, and i lose
my train of thought.
344
00:16:04,969 --> 00:16:06,567
it wasn't until
two years later
345
00:16:06,602 --> 00:16:09,067
till i see a pair on the back
end of a chrysler imperial
346
00:16:09,102 --> 00:16:11,601
i remember
i invented 'em.
347
00:16:11,636 --> 00:16:13,567
this close, danny.
this close.
348
00:16:13,602 --> 00:16:15,300
i learned my lesson.
349
00:16:15,335 --> 00:16:17,634
you got to grab your
opportunities when they come by.
350
00:16:17,669 --> 00:16:19,634
darlene, pass
the beets, please.
351
00:16:19,669 --> 00:16:21,167
well, do they?
352
00:16:21,202 --> 00:16:23,167
- do they what?
- stain your teeth.
353
00:16:23,202 --> 00:16:25,200
teeth,
let me tell you about teeth.
354
00:16:25,235 --> 00:16:26,868
- dad.
- the most beautiful teeth
355
00:16:26,903 --> 00:16:29,501
i ever saw
were on a movie star.
356
00:16:29,536 --> 00:16:32,133
- esther williams.
- dad, we've already heard this story.
357
00:16:32,168 --> 00:16:33,467
i haven't.
358
00:16:33,502 --> 00:16:35,467
yeah, i'd like
to hear it.
359
00:16:35,502 --> 00:16:37,934
okay, great.tell it.
360
00:16:37,969 --> 00:16:41,133
you're in san diego.
it's 1951.
361
00:16:41,168 --> 00:16:43,868
bobby thompson's home run.
shot heard 'round the world.
362
00:16:43,903 --> 00:16:47,133
- let him tell it.
- no, no.no, it's okay.
363
00:16:47,168 --> 00:16:49,601
mgm's making a movie
down in san diego, see.
364
00:16:49,636 --> 00:16:52,067
- and guess who's down there.
- esther williams.
365
00:16:52,102 --> 00:16:55,133
give the young lady
64 silver dollars.
366
00:16:55,168 --> 00:16:57,167
well, then
what happened?
367
00:16:57,202 --> 00:16:58,634
ask your father.
368
00:16:58,669 --> 00:17:00,267
you're in
the coffee shop.
369
00:17:00,302 --> 00:17:02,968
no.i was in the main dining
room. i turned around-
370
00:17:03,003 --> 00:17:05,634
he's gonna tell it.
he's gonna tell it.
371
00:17:05,669 --> 00:17:08,667
well, dan, it's not like we
haven't heard your stories 30 times.
372
00:17:08,702 --> 00:17:10,234
what stories?
373
00:17:10,269 --> 00:17:11,734
oh, come on, dan.
374
00:17:11,769 --> 00:17:14,367
how many times have i listened
to the incredible story
375
00:17:14,402 --> 00:17:16,767
about how you were
the first customer ever
376
00:17:16,802 --> 00:17:18,968
at the new supermarket?
377
00:17:22,534 --> 00:17:24,534
i'll tell ya, dan, if you
don't wanna hear my stories,
378
00:17:24,569 --> 00:17:27,334
you don't have to hear my
stories. as a matter of fact,
379
00:17:27,369 --> 00:17:29,634
you can freeze in hell before you
hear another one of my stories.
380
00:17:29,669 --> 00:17:31,801
- excuse me.
- come on, sit down!
381
00:17:31,836 --> 00:17:33,634
dan, cool it.
382
00:17:33,669 --> 00:17:35,167
i'll take care of it.
383
00:17:35,202 --> 00:17:37,167
i got us into this,
i'll get us out of it.
384
00:17:37,202 --> 00:17:38,667
ed, you're half right.
385
00:17:38,702 --> 00:17:42,400
you got us into it,
and i'll get us out of it.
386
00:17:47,467 --> 00:17:48,767
dan...
387
00:17:51,400 --> 00:17:54,701
the statute of limitations
on parental crime
388
00:17:54,736 --> 00:17:56,667
runs out when
you're about 30.
389
00:17:58,100 --> 00:18:00,534
so he didn't invent
the rear windshield wiper.
390
00:18:00,569 --> 00:18:01,834
that's not it.
391
00:18:01,869 --> 00:18:04,000
so he never really
met esther williams.
392
00:18:04,035 --> 00:18:06,434
it's not
the windshield wipers.
393
00:18:06,469 --> 00:18:08,367
it's not esther williams.
394
00:18:09,634 --> 00:18:11,501
it's his fork.
395
00:18:11,536 --> 00:18:13,234
what?
396
00:18:13,269 --> 00:18:15,601
he holds his fork
the same way i do.
397
00:18:15,636 --> 00:18:17,868
i hold my fork
the same way he does.
398
00:18:17,903 --> 00:18:19,467
i'm him.
399
00:18:21,234 --> 00:18:25,267
i think you're reading a little
bit too much into silverware.
400
00:18:26,834 --> 00:18:29,267
i'm sitting there
at the kitchen table, honey,
401
00:18:29,302 --> 00:18:31,767
and i'm watching him
and i'm listening,
402
00:18:31,802 --> 00:18:34,868
and it's me,
and i hate it.
403
00:18:34,903 --> 00:18:37,667
well, you know, dan,
if you didn't know ed conner
404
00:18:37,702 --> 00:18:39,701
and you just
bumped into him,
405
00:18:39,736 --> 00:18:42,400
you'd go have a couple of beers,
and you'd talk about baseball,
406
00:18:42,435 --> 00:18:45,467
and he'd probably
sell you a forklift.
407
00:18:45,502 --> 00:18:48,601
you know what
scares me the most?
408
00:18:48,636 --> 00:18:50,400
when he was 36 years old,
409
00:18:50,435 --> 00:18:52,667
he was right
where i am today.
410
00:18:52,702 --> 00:18:55,400
- that's me down the road.
- no, that's him.
411
00:18:55,435 --> 00:18:58,000
those are his choices.
that's ed.
412
00:18:58,035 --> 00:19:00,000
roseanne, i got
a broken-down truck.
413
00:19:00,035 --> 00:19:02,000
i got a broken-down
cement finisher.
414
00:19:02,035 --> 00:19:04,801
i hear myself telling the
same damn stories 12 times.
415
00:19:04,836 --> 00:19:07,767
well, i'm not saying
you're not boring.
416
00:19:10,834 --> 00:19:13,167
you're just boring
in a different way
417
00:19:13,202 --> 00:19:15,100
than your dad.
418
00:19:17,801 --> 00:19:20,734
it's genetic.
it's in the genes.
419
00:19:20,769 --> 00:19:23,501
you see him, you get me.
420
00:19:25,335 --> 00:19:27,834
well, maybe
that's why i like him.
421
00:19:27,869 --> 00:19:30,033
you know,
he has that certain
422
00:19:30,068 --> 00:19:33,200
virile conner charm,
you know.
423
00:19:33,235 --> 00:19:36,634
come back
in there with me, come on.
424
00:19:36,669 --> 00:19:39,634
yeah, we might
be missing a good story.
425
00:19:45,901 --> 00:19:47,634
allow me to introduce-
426
00:19:47,669 --> 00:19:50,667
making yet another appearance
at our dinner table-
427
00:19:50,702 --> 00:19:52,868
the lovely,
the indefatigable
428
00:19:52,903 --> 00:19:56,601
mr. dan conner
and his lovely wife tammi.
429
00:19:57,868 --> 00:19:59,467
now, where were we?
430
00:19:59,502 --> 00:20:01,801
i asked for the potatoes,
and you hit the road.
431
00:20:01,836 --> 00:20:04,934
ask him for the carrots
and see what happens.
432
00:20:06,000 --> 00:20:07,501
carrots.
433
00:20:07,536 --> 00:20:10,234
i hate carrots.
you know why?
434
00:20:12,667 --> 00:20:14,601
tell me.
435
00:20:21,335 --> 00:20:24,501
would you stop hogging
all of these blankets?
436
00:20:24,536 --> 00:20:25,834
blankets?
437
00:20:25,869 --> 00:20:28,033
let me tell you a little
something about blankets.
438
00:20:28,068 --> 00:20:31,033
i came this close to inventing
the blanket in 1969.
439
00:20:31,068 --> 00:20:33,033
it was right
after woodstock.
440
00:20:33,068 --> 00:20:36,033
and a guy named
navajo joe up to me
441
00:20:36,068 --> 00:20:38,167
and he says, "i already
invented the blanket."
442
00:20:38,202 --> 00:20:40,167
so he took it away from me.
443
00:20:40,202 --> 00:20:42,234
1969, that was a great year,
wasn't it? woodstock.
444
00:20:42,269 --> 00:20:44,234
who was on the mound
that year? fergie jenkins.
445
00:20:44,269 --> 00:20:46,367
boy, what a set of chompers
he had. you talk about teeth.
446
00:20:46,402 --> 00:20:49,367
but he went plumb
midget on me.
447
00:20:49,402 --> 00:20:51,868
and he went and sunk
all his money
448
00:20:51,903 --> 00:20:54,934
into what you call
a hair dryer stock.
449
00:20:54,969 --> 00:20:56,934
he tried to invent
a five-speed,
450
00:20:56,969 --> 00:20:58,934
four-door mix
hair dryer,
451
00:20:58,969 --> 00:21:00,934
and he lost
all his dough.
452
00:21:00,969 --> 00:21:03,667
then he couldn't
do nothing about it.
453
00:21:03,702 --> 00:21:05,434
so i ups to him
and i says, "fergie,
454
00:21:05,469 --> 00:21:08,434
what the heck do you know
about hair dryers anyway?"
455
00:21:08,469 --> 00:21:10,701
he goes, "well, it
gets windy in chicago."
456
00:21:10,736 --> 00:21:12,167
i said, "chicago?"
457
00:21:12,202 --> 00:21:14,567
"yeah, i was almost
in the band chicago.
458
00:21:14,602 --> 00:21:17,534
i used to mix their
sound tracks for 'em,
459
00:21:17,569 --> 00:21:20,234
but i couldn't
quite get it, see."
460
00:21:20,269 --> 00:21:21,834
ahh...
461
00:21:21,869 --> 00:21:23,434
good night, ed.
462
00:21:23,469 --> 00:21:24,968
night.night.
463
00:21:25,003 --> 00:21:26,834
what the hell do you
know about night?
464
00:21:26,869 --> 00:21:29,834
i was almost on the edge of night one time,
465
00:21:29,869 --> 00:21:31,834
except i got my foot
cut off in vietnam,
466
00:21:31,869 --> 00:21:34,234
and i couldn't quite
make it to the audition.
467
00:21:34,269 --> 00:21:36,534
and the cabdriver didn't speak
english, so he didn't know-
468
00:21:36,569 --> 00:21:38,734
shut up!
469
00:21:40,167 --> 00:21:42,367
i was shut up
in a cave one time.
470
00:21:42,402 --> 00:21:44,968
the meramac caverns
just south of st. louis.
471
00:21:45,003 --> 00:21:46,534
it was me
and three other guys.
472
00:21:47,534 --> 00:21:57,534
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