All language subtitles for Roadies s01e01 Life is a Carnival.eng

Sync and corrections by explosiveskull
www.addic7ed.com

[
classic rock music
]

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[woman moans]

[knock at door]

[man] Room service.

[woman] Good!

[man] What? You
ordered room service?

[woman] Yes! Yes!

Whoa!

[knock at door] Whoa!

[man] Room service.

Room service.

Hold on, hold on.

Okay.

On my way.

You...

Hey, you.

You!

- You.
- No, you.

You are probably the oldest
person I've ever fucked.

And I loved it.

I'm gonna get the door.

I mean, like, I love how you're not just

some young dude, you know?

You're like one of those
old lions at the zoo.

You can stop there. I'm good.

I have to pee.

Okay.

Sorry about that.

Did you order the chocolate volcano, sir?

Yeah. Can I ask you a question?

Absolutely.

How old do I look to you?

Probably fif... four...

32, 29, 28-ish, sort of?

Just set it down right there.

- Good, you're awake.
- Not really.

- May I come in?
- Not just yet.

Why do you even ask?

To be polite.

So the day has begun.

Our wonderful lead singer's demonic kid...

[Kimberly] I came so awesomely hard!

Awesomely!

Nice.

And good morning, Bill.

So what happened with the devil child?

Took a chunk out of the new nanny's arm

with his teeth.

Kid pulled a Tyson.

That's the second Tyson this year.

He's moved solidly into teeth work.

Lucky they were in a
Taco Bell/KFC play area,

so the tour can't be sued.

We really need to work on new language

for the nanny contracts.

We got to get a new nanny by tonight.

24 hours with his own kid?

Right, that's what I'm saying.

Tom won't be able to talk, forget perform.

And of course, it will land on me.

It always does.

So are you guys, like, together?

Oh, relax. We just work together.

Dale, this is a significant
charge for ice cream.

I'll look into that, sir.

Sir, suddenly everything's sir, huh?

He's the tour manager.

[Bill] She's the production manager.

She's married.

To my amazing, noble husband.

Who she rarely sees because he, too,

is a production manager.

For Taylor Swift.

I love her.

Oh, and Philadelphia is canceled.

Why would they cancel Philadelphia?

I don't know.

Philadelphia's canceled
because the ice rink leaking.

What?

My dad's the promoter rep.

Your father is Ron Bank?

I can't wait to tell
him that I met you guys.

He's doing the next few shows.

He loves you guys.

Oh, this is not good.

That's it right there, Bob.

Who would have thought? Bob Dylan.

Amazing.

He's, like, the greatest
fucking DJ in the world.

He did 100 hours of radio shows,

and each show was a theme, and it was...

Amazing.

You know I drove Bob for three years

on the Never Ending Tour.

You know that, right?

Mm-hmm.

Many a nights he sat right there,

told me many truths
right there, right there.

"All of them secrets I'll never reveal."

I'm gonna miss your
late-night stories, Gooch.

Eh, you'll be back.

Nope.

I'm going to film school.

They gave me a half scholarship.

Don't mean nothing.

You're still one of us.

Nope.

This is my opportunity.

You know, at a certain point in your life,

you need structure.

Yeah, it's my opinion that in life,

you need two things to survive:

oxygen and family.

Everything else is dessert.

You're a good man, Gooch.

I think I'm gonna miss you most of all.

[man] God damn it,

it's great to be alive!

Especially here in
this crazy fucking city

that refuses to die, New Orleans,

filled with history, truth, ghosts,

glory, and seafood.

I once saw Wilson Pickett play New Orleans,

the Wicked Pickett.

And there was literally
smoke coming off him.

Somebody asked him after the show.

They said, "Mr. Pickett,
what's it like to play

so hard and so tough and so deep..."

[cell phone vibrating]

"That smoke literally
rises from your skin."

And he said, "This is New Orleans, baby.

"They don't settle for heat.

They grew up with fire."

[cheering]

So let's do it!

[all] Oh!

[cheers and applause]

[Shelli] That was Preston.

Management calling this early?

That's never good.

Well, he's probably just
calling about Tom's kid

or Philadelphia.

Bill? Right?

What's this about Philadelphia?

Nothing. There's a crack in the ice rink.

Yeah, that's what they say it is.

Milo, stop being paranoid, okay?

Because nothing is wrong.

Don't start spreading rumors
that something is wrong,

'cause nothing is.

- It's all good.
- Yeah.

You all right?

Every ending begins with a crack.

Now, he's not actually British, right?

No, he's from New Jersey.

Okay.

[
calm rock music
]

[Milo] Oy, Kelly Ann to 8.

Kelly Ann to 8.

Go for Kelly Ann.

Nobody thinks you're leaving.

That is because nobody believes

there is anything more important

than The Staton-House Band.

- Is there?
- Ha!

Just tell me the promoter
rep's daughter is over 18.

Oh, she's 22.

She's actually studying
to be a paleontologist.

She's an expert in
ancient culture and bones.

Wow, so many jokes come to mind.

[laughing] I-I know. I know.

Bill, is there something
you're not telling me?

No.

Because if there is, I need you to tell me.

No, no, no.

We're fine.

I'm fine.

We're fine.

Everything's fine. I'm not sure w-w...

No more coffee for you today.

Absolutely not. Copy that.

Or teenagers.

This is Shelli.

- Is that Preston?
- Oh, hi.

- Is that Preston?
- Okay, listen, Sean...

- Oh, your husband.
- Yeah.

Hey, ask him how his tour's going.

Perfectly probably, right?

Well, the local crew
is dragging their feet,

and management started calling it

the ass-crack of dawn.

It's already a heckin' good time out here.

Ask him if he knows of a good nanny.

Oh, oh, and... and the new
promoter is saying we can't

have the big dressing room
because of the basketball team.

Thank you, Anthony.

I was just wondering what you guys did

when Taylor was down here.

Wait, you heard?

Oh, really?

- Heard what?
- H-hold on, honey.

Your teenage paleontologist
posted a picture

of you and that hideous
dessert on Facebook.

She calls it, "Shenanigans
with Bill Hanson,

"tour manager of the Staton-House Band.

5:38 a. m. #OldRocks."

[relieved laugh]

I tho... I thought it
was gonna be much worse.

It already has 72 comments and 423 likes.

It's pinging around all the tours.

Okay, that's worse.

Plus, we are down another nanny.

Oh, should I ask Kelly Ann if
she'll stay on one more night?

Yes, yes.

Kelly Ann worships you.

She started saying "ha" because you say it.

Ha!

Is that why you don't like her,

because she idolizes me?

Oh, that is so good to know.

Okay, hold on. I don't not like her.

I mean, she knew she
was going to film school

at the beginning of the
tour, but she gave me

two weeks' notice.

Plus, she eats off other people's plates.

Look, I-I know you dread
talking to management.

Would you like me to call Preston for you?

Okay, got it. Thank you.

I love you.

Are you... was that to me or to him?

Uh, I know. Talk tonight.

Because if it was to me, I'm yours.

Yeah, no.

No, that is just Bill being Bill.

This is great.

All right. Bye, sweetie.

Love you too. Talk tonight.

[man] Shelli, the local PAs

are hanging out at the Waffle House.

Get this; Ron Bank gave
them the wrong arrival time.

And there's no coffee anywhere.

Ron Bank is mad, man.

Father of the teenage paleontologist.

Let me know if you want me to
call management back for you.

No, no, no, you deal with the locals.

I'll call.

Thanks to you, Ron Bank is already

making today awesomely hard.

- [laughs]
- Awesomely!

[Bill] This is Puna.

He's band security.

If he comes to you with
an issue, you listen.

He's actually clairvoyant about problems.

He'll spot them before they happen.

Hopefully, that's Tom
Staton's dressing room.

If you need something signed,
I'll get it done after the show.

That's a guarantee.

Look, I'm not gonna ask you
where you got that T-shirt.

I'm just gonna say, starting that night,

I spent nine days in jail, which
was a very dark time for me.

I-I was told you'd laugh.

And... and I get it.

One other thing... and this is important...

there's one thing my lead singer
cannot deal with in any form.

- We do not tolerate...
- Bill.

...under any circumstances...

- Hi, guys.
- Just one second.

I just... no, I just talked to management.

You're gonna want to hear this.

- Right now?
- Yeah.

Okay. You guys hang tight.

You're doing a great job. Thanks.

[Bill] What did Preston say?

[Shelli] He said he'd come himself,

but he can't travel.

His kid has an arm injury.

- Shit.
- Mm-hmm.

He always cancels the
trip at the last minute

if there's a confrontation to avoid.

Preston not coming means bloodshed.

I know. He's always blaming the kid.

So now he's sending someone?

Here, today.

A new "financial advisor."

What?

Why are your ears turning red?

They're not.

- What more do you know?
- What?

It's me.

I'm getting fired, aren't I?

It's not you.

Then what are you not telling me?

You know who's gonna be really pissed?

- Right?
- Phil.

You know Phil carries a loaded firearm?

[Harvey] Hey, guys.

- Harvey?
- I'ma dip out.

Check on my storage units.

Sure, go ahead.

And did we find a
replacement for Kelly Ann yet?

[together] Not yet.

You two are in denial.

About a lot of things.

[chuckles]

And that one thing that we cannot tolerate

is firecrackers.

You got it?

If you see it, seize it.

Why firecrackers?

Google "Tom Staton,
firecrackers, Des Moines,

rowdy crowd, 2008,"

or you can just trust me, boys.

I've seen a lot of meltdowns.

Hey, Phil. Can I call you that?

That's my name. It ain't
just letters on a hat.

You worked with my
favorite band of all time,

the original Lynyrd Skynyrd.

This was given to me in 197...

in 1976 by Ronnie Van Zant.

And I have not taken it off since.

Who's Robbie Van Zant?

Ooh!

Who is Ronnie Van Zant?

Do your homework, son.

This is a privilege, not a vacation.

There's a tradition on this adventure,

and you need to bone up on whose shoulders

you're standing on.

All right. Let's recap.

What've we learned to
pay special attention to?

[together] Firecrackers!

Do not put your cups or fingerprints

on the piano, okay?

See, I got a keyboard player.

He can't play if it's not shiny.

He can feel a smudge.

And if that happens...

It's as bad as firecrackers.

Nothing's as bad as firecrackers.

[
tense music
]

Those lights gonna be on?

Uh, yes.

What's the verdict, Puna?

It won't happen tonight.

[
gentle music
]

All right.

Love you, big guy.

[
upbeat folk music
]

[phone ringing, Kelly Ann groans]

Shit.

Wesley, man up and speak.

So you're talking to me?

[Kelly Ann] Yeah.

Pearl Jam fired me.

What?

[Wesley] McCready
took me to breakfast

and did it himself.

He said I reminded him too
much of his pre-sobriety.

He looks at me, and it
reminds him of then, I guess.

Me cleaning his amps up
when he would pee on them,

me wiping his mouth when
he barfed at my wedding,

and still, I would take a
fucking bullet for him still.

[crying] I love Mike McCready!

What do I do?

Well, don't come here.

This is my last day too.

I don't even think they'd miss me.

They barely even gave me a nickname.

- What is it?
- Kel.

Kel?

That's not even a nickname.

That's a shortening.

[Kelly Ann] It doesn't
even matter anymore.

I have a ticket to
New York City tonight.

I got a partial scholarship.

I'm going to film school.

[Wesley] All because
you hate your nickname?

Ha!

I watched your movie
multiple times, by the way.

I still don't understand it,
but it was fucking powerful.

Uh-huh, well, thank you
for the medium praise.

[Wesley] And Christmas
wasn't my fault.

You ran off. You always
run off and expect me...

Wesley, don't come here.

I'm already trying to keep
today from getting emotional.

You don't own New Orleans, Kel.

You only call me when you're in trouble.

How can you leave your band?

[Phil] Darling, you look like
you just lost your best friend.

Maybe what you need is one of those

surprise bon voyage
parties, cake and stuff.

No, no, I don't want people
to go to too much trouble

pretending to be sad.

What are you leaving us for?

Oh, yeah, film school.

Maybe...

I have to find my own voice.

Maybe I can change the world. Ha.

Guess what, I've been this close to people

who actually did change the world,

and it turns out I like being an Indian

better than I like trying to be a chief.

You know what I mean.

The truth?

I don't hear the music the same way.

I don't feel like it's mine anymore.

Sit down, honey.

Sit down.

I feel the same way about my dog,

but I'm not giving her away.

"Get messy, get real,

that's the whole deal."

Didn't you tell me that once?

I say that to everybody.

Well, I listened.

It comes and goes, sweetheart.

But if you love the
music, and I know you do,

you might want to give
it all another chance.

I don't even know if the
band are feeling it either.

They haven't changed their
set since the last tour.

I have to be a fan of
something or I'm useless.

I'm nothing.

I'm worker bee on bus number one.

And I'd stay an Indian
forever if I still...

But my whole belief thing is...

it's just starting to crack.

Tell 'em. It's a family.

Walk up to Tom or Christopher tonight.

Tell 'em why you're leaving.

No, but I don't talk to the band.

Look... [sighs]

I'll die with this band.

But honestly, I can see right now,

because I know people,

I know it's time for
you to move on, Julianne.

It's Kelly Ann.

Kelly Ann.

I might get your name wrong,
but I know exactly who you are.

Well, makes one of us.

Everybody got a name.

Not everybody's got a vibe.

Listen, you're gonna kill 'em in NYC.

But don't ever think that
you can't come back here

and be a legend.

And I say that as a legend myself.

Coming through!

Stop! Stop! Stop!

The large dressing room is off-limits.

Okay, Ron.

The basketball team won't allow anyone

to step on the Pelican
mascot insignia on the floor.

It's bad luck!

Ron, just calm down.

This has nothing to do
with your tour manager

corrupting my daughter.

She's a very, very special girl.

She knows every bone in
every prehistoric dinosaur

you can imagine.

Oh, I can imagine.

Ron, I know about the
special rug you put down

over the pelican for Taylor Swift.

But I'm going to post a picture on Facebook

of Tom Staton's wardrobe
case in a broom closet.

And you can tell them yourself why he can't

have the dressing room,
and your mistreatment

of this band will spread far and wide,

and then good luck getting
that Brad Paisley day

you want so bad.

You need this show to happen
tonight as much as we do.

I know.

And I am sorry about your daughter.

She is truly lovely. I saw her naked.

- Wait, I-I've gone too far.
- [choking]

I-I have this problem with compliments.

I-I can see you're getting emotional,

and I am not a hugger, but haul it in.

Just bring it to me.

- Oh, yeah.
- Get the rug!

Yes.

Yeah, okay.

[
electronic indie music
]

I'm looking for Kelly Ann.

[man] Wes!

[man] Hey, Wes.

[man] Come on in, dude.

[man] You're welcome here, man.

Fuck Pearl Jam, man.

[woman] You brought your espresso machine!

[man] It's Wes!

[woman] I missed you.

[man] How you doing, brother? Welcome back.

Hey, Wes.

Hey.

Hey, Donna.

Hey, Wes.

I'm sorry you got whacked by Pearl Jam.

Replacements, from 1987.

Final show with the original band

and a Sleater-Kinney from '96.

Nice new neck work.

Me and Laurie are gonna have a baby.

I love that.

Don't tell anyone.

Have you seen Kelly Ann?

Come back in ten.

You'll like the song of the day.

[bass chords play]

Hi.

Hi, mate.

Wes, we met at the Bridge School show.

You were doing Elvis.

We talked about Dylan.

PJ was amazing that night.

Fuckers.

I got "Blonde on Blonde" outtakes.

I've got 'em.

But these are insane quality

straight from the studio in Nashville.

- First generation?
- Yeah.

Fuck me, mate.

So you're asking about Kelly Ann?

Uh, yeah, she hates me for coming here.

Hey, do you want me to
make you an espresso?

No, thanks.

Dude, I'm famous for my espressos.

You shouldn't say no.

She hates me more, mate. Trust me.

I just found out she's leaving this tour

to get away from our
love-hate relationship.

Look, Kelly Ann is an
escape artist, all right?

She has emotions, just not like

you and I understand them.

If she could just smile.

But not just near me, like, at me.

Dude, she fears a good time.

Is that something you
really want in a girlfriend?

Yes.

How do you know her so well?

Who are you?

I shouldn't be talking to you.

I shouldn't be talking to anyone.

I already know too much.

Something really bad is about to happen.

What do you mean, like, like,
like someone's getting fired?

Who?

What have you heard?

What you just told me.

Is that an espresso? Where'd you get that?

I made it.

May I? Thanks.

Fucking unbelievable.

Milo, you tried one of these?

They're great.

Hey, sorry to hear about
what happened with PJ.

That's too bad.

It's tough.

They were my band.

Yeah.

My boys.

It's happening here too, huh?

I heard, the coming bloodshed.

Someone is going down.

And I think it's me, Wes.

Shit.

I just said too much.

I never do that.

Wes, I just fucked up, okay?

God damn it, I said too much.

Don't tell anybody.

Really, Wes, nobody, okay?

Management's sending
the money guy in at 4:00.

Lips are sealed, baby.

Cool.

Ah! God damn it.

Just like with Donna having a baby.

Donna's having a baby?

- Uh, no, no.
- What?

Never mind.

Look, I'm just here to
work out my thoughts,

my manhood, and weather.

-
Fell down and nothing bled

- _
-
Free pour the fruitless thoughts

[Phil] The opening act has arrived.

Hello, Head and the Heart.

Welcome to the family.

Come on over here. Hey.

Phil, we need to sound check.

We're still clearing the stage.

We'll be back soon for your sound check.

So you gentlemen and
lady can do your magic.

[man] All right, you guys,
let me translate for you.

Means it's gonna be another 25 minutes.

The ship has arrived at the dock,

and it is filled with gold.

What ship?

The ship.

The ship, Phil.

I'm speaking in code.

- Oh, the ship.
- The ship!

The ship, oh, okay.

Excuse me?

Where's your pass?

I lost my laminate.

I'm Phil's cousin from Atlanta.

Oh, let me get Phil.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Hey.

[moaning]

[both screaming]

Everything's about to change, Bill.

Suddenly it feels like
the last day of school.

- Yeah.
- Where is this guy?

Doesn't management know
that you fire people

at the end of the night?

You don't show up early
and dangle your authority.

You guys, The Head and the
Heart just spit at Milo.

Kel, can you stay one more
night and nanny Winston?

I already asked her.

I can't. I got this ticket.

And I got to be on a red-eye at 11:00.

Well, enjoy the miracle that is flight.

Finally watched your movie, by the way.

- You did?
- You did?

Yeah, she... you know,
I didn't get it exactly.

She put together all
these climactic moments

of people running from all these movies.

- People running.
- Yeah.

You know how in movies when
people realize something,

right, like they were wrong...

- Right.
- ...or they were in love,

and they just start running...

The point I was actually trying to make

is when you see everybody running on, like,

a long tracking shot, that
is completely manipulative.

I was actually trying to make a statement

about how fake those moments are,

identity versus reality, and how life just

cheats you out of your
dreams even though we live

on the oxygen of what isn't
truly possible, you know?

Right.

Yeah.

Yep, just take it.

- [man] Shelli, you there?
- Go for Shelli.

Yeah. It had a good feeling.

I... no, I-I can't right now.

I'm being cheated out of my dreams.

I-I really liked it.

Thanks.

I mean, before you explained it.

Oh.

I have everyone on the lookout.

Natalie Shayne is not that good a stalker.

Thanks for watching my movie.

Good job.

- Thanks.
- I'm out.

Protect the band, understand the band,

forgive the band.

You're with The Head and the Heart.

That's a great band.

You know, the sweet
spot is on the right side

of the stage if you
want to watch from there.

[man] Hey!

We're supposed to get
the stage at 4:00 p. m.

We postponed fucking headlining shows

to do this tour, and we
passed on festival gigs

- in Europe with Neil Young...
- Easy, papa.

And now we're fucking sitting around.

We love your band, okay?

Just, we've had a really rough day.

Stage isn't ready yet.

Three singers, unbeatable.

Hey, and who's your dude
with the fake English accent?

'Cause he's pissing the fuck out of us.

I know, right?

So fake.

Good to see you.

Times like these I used to
like a little drink, you know?

Well, don't blow your two-year sobriety

on this fuckwad douche-boy.

The douche-boy is very late.

You know what? I think... email management.

- Tell Preston...
- Yeah?

"Your financial asshole is already late."

Tell him the English douchebag
can't even arrive on time.

Where is your English asshole?

Uh, douchebag asshole.

- Douchebag English asshole.
- Mm-hmm.

That's great. [message sends]

Shit.

- Come on, Bill.
- What?

What?

I just... I copied the
douche-boy by mistake.

[cell phone dings]

Hi.

Reg.

You're Shelli.

Yes.

How are you?

Nice to meet you.

- Bill.
- Reg.

So very sorry about the douchebag.

No, I actually think it was,

"Where is your douchebag English asshole?"

I thought... although,
I quite like douche-boy.

Um, is there anything we can do for you?

No, no, no, not at all.

I'm just very keen to get acquainted.

Well, then, Reg, I'm all yours.

As am I.

I'm actually looking for Phil.

Say, Phil?

This is Reg Whitehead.

[Phil] Well, there's a
name from across the pond.

Reg is from... sorry.

- Extantion.
- Holy shit.

That sounds like a hair care product.

[laughs]

Extantion's about forward thinking.

[Bill] They're working with management now.

Oh.

Are you busy in about 20 minutes?

Busy is when I'm asleep.

Busy's for amateurs.

I'm intensely occupied.

I haven't been busy in 20 years.

It's just that management's
asked me to have a chat

with everybody, you first.

I don't chat. I talk.

Well, Preston asked me
to talk to you first.

Preston stayed home?

Yeah.

Enough with the contractions, son.

Deliver the baby.

[Donna] Trouble?

It's never serious until
Phil takes off his hat.

Mister, I'm not an egotistical man.

[Donna] We're going hatless.

[Milo] Take cover.

Save yourself.

[all gasping]

But when you're looking
at me, you're looking

at rock 'n' roll in America.

I can show you where B. B.
King first picked up a guitar.

"Us and Them" was written
at my breakfast table.

Every American show Pink Floyd ever played,

I was standing at the side of the stage.

Roger Waters is a house guest of mine.

Ronnie Van Zant was
the godfather of my son.

And if you fuck with my
crew, I'll take you down

faster than a headless
rooster at a picnic full of...

hungry people!

Management wishes to
inform you that you are

under federal investigation
for the re-sale of items

left in storage units by
victims of Hurricane Katrina.

You've already harmed this band's potential

to travel overseas.

You are invited to leave
the organization now.

Okay, now, this is all news to me.

I'm the tour manager,
and let me just talk...

Oh, God! Down! Down!

- [all yelling]
- Motherfucker!

This way. Here we go, here we go.

Everybody get out of here.

Let go of it!

[Taser clicking]

God damn it, let me go!

I'll take you out like a goddamn bitch!

You can't hide from me!

Head and the Heart, let's all, uh...

let's all head back out on the stage.

Get your hand off my goddamn dick.

[Reg] Guys, I know
you've got a show to do,

so I'm not gonna take up
too much of your time.

[clears throat]

Three things that I am...

English... [chuckles]

Cheap,

unsparing.

Look, most of you will
need to either make less,

take on more, or leave
with a small severance.

We're already making less.

Listen, Reg, we have less than two hours

to put this band on stage.

Brilliant, yeah, can't wait, okay?

This band who you all
love spends too much money.

Well, that really worked.

You knew this was coming.

'Cause there's a new world.

There is no middle anymore.

You either make no money
or you make a lot of money,

and if you make a lot of
money and you don't know

how to take care of it, then
you meet someone like me.

Oi, how many songs you got in your iTunes?

There are too many to count, of course.

And there's no need to
mock my accent, all right?

That's out of order.

What kind of stuff?

Oh, thanks very much.

Um, good stuff.

Uh, we've got some Queen,

the Munford Sons.

I've got lots of play mixes and...

Wow.

Goodness me, that...

Um...

Now, I'm the first to admit,
right, I'm more than familiar

with the world of sports and real estate.

I come from order and structure.

Bill, I know that you recently
asked management for a retainer.

What?

And it isn't financially
feasible at the moment.

Right, yeah, I was gonna tell you.

- I'm sorry.
- Oh, really?

I just didn't... yeah.

[both talking at once]

Let's discuss this later.

So are you two married?

[together] No.

[Reg] Look, Phil...

But, Reg, if I could just
quickly say something...

Bill, Bill, Bill, I know.

I know Phil was a king. I understand.

He was friends with Mr.
Pink... Pink Floyd or whatever.

It's never easy to let a king go, Bill.

Phil was being paid a lot of money

to hug a lot of people
and make them feel good

about the old way.

Well, the old way is gone.

I'm looking for the new
way. And we will find it.

Look, I don't work here, but you can't...

Oh, then what... then
what are you doing here?

I came here to cry on
as many fucking shoulders

as I could fucking find.

[Reg] Brilliant.

Yeah, what's your specialty?

Guitars, people, and coffee, in that order.

I like your passion. I do.

I do... I hope you stay. What's your name?

Pigfucker.

[Kelly Ann] His name is Wes.

He's my twin brother.

You guys are twins? Wow.

Now I get it.

He's here 'cause he loves music,

not sports or theme parks or...

Real estate. Yeah, I know.

I know, I know, I know.
It's very different.

There's no difference.

You either love you what you
do or you get the fuck out.

That's all I have.

Doesn't that feel good?

Telling the truth?

I am interested

in all of your personal truths.

But the first thing that you did was lie.

Wait, I didn't even speak to you.

How could I lie if I
didn't even speak to you?

It's what you didn't say.

You acted like you were
with The Head and the Heart.

I mean, lying by omission,
that's the worst kind of lie,

don't you think?

I'm about to use a really terrible word.

Get ready.

I'm here to protect the brand.

- The Statton...
- Staton!

Staton-House Band is the brand

that we all want to protect here,

and a brand is a living thing.

It needs to be tended to.

It needs to be curated.

It might have started as poetry.

But this poetry, this music is disposable.

The same people that love this band now

will dispose of them and you for something

younger and sexier.

I know. I get it.

Everything feels like it will last forever!

That's not...

And then, suddenly...

Oh, dude. [indistinct murmurs]

- He's back.
- Shit.

You're dead.

[imitates gunfire]

Culture assassination.

Ass-sass-i...

You don't know the secret ingredient

of the brand that you're trying to sell.

Maybe the brand isn't a brand.

Maybe it's a feeling.

Kurt Cobain and Jimi Hendrix didn't die

to become a crop top in Urban Outfitters.

In the short term, you
will be a great success.

But in the long term, you better collect

a few souvenirs, because one day,

that's all you're gonna have.

Perhaps they haven't communicated the fact

that I live to destroy
everything that you stand for,

and that is all I have.

Okay, thanks. Thanks very much.

[
soft guitar music
]

Fuck.

[Shelli] You never say anything.

[Bill] Listen, I can't
tell you everything.

Then what is this?

I mean, are we even partners, or...

I'm sorry, you don't
think I deserve a retainer?

Of course you deserve it.

Don't be an asshole.

You don't think I want you to have...

Your husband has one.

Correct? Right?

Oh, so you're saying
that's why I'm with Sean.

Because the truth is...

The truth is, you're not with him.

You're here, Shelli.

And I get to listen to you
coo to him over the phone.

And then watch him
never show up to see you.

Don't get mad at me.

Get mad at him.

And you haven't picked up
a girl over the age of 19...

22.

Since Lorraine left you.

And you're better than that.

Please don't mention Lorraine.

I can't do this.

I'm gonna go work for Taylor Swift.

Oh, the Planet Swift Tour.

Hey, guys, we lost another one.

Another Swift boat attack.

Good, go ahead.

There it is, your protective shield,

the laidback thing.

Hey, my laidback thing is
actually who I fucking am.

That's why all the guys like me, right?

Right?

Oh, yeah, we were good together.

- We never even fought.
- Are you kidding?

All we ever did was fight.

It was just never like this.

Like this.

[sighs]

I'm sorry, okay?

I just... listen.

I was embarrassed to tell you, okay?

I got nothing

except the half-finished
dream house, of course.

But this is how they get the best of us.

We do anything they ask
at a lower and lower salary

because they give us the
gift of knowing that we don't

got to wake up tomorrow to the terror

of going home to nothing?

But the music is good.

And you meet some great people.

Fuck all of them.

Hmm.

Still gonna quit?

[
solemn guitar music
]

[Bill] Hey.

We didn't get you a cake
'cause we were all too busy.

Here's your mug back.

Thanks.

You were pretty good out there.

Sadly, I think a lot of
us are gonna take his deal.

The assholes win again.

Well...

What about Phil?

Are you gonna fight for him?

You know, all I can think about
is that sad hair under his hat.

I never wanted to see that.

Okay, well, I wouldn't
feel too bad for Phil.

First, while gruff and
loveable, Phil's a felon

who's murdered two people in his lifetime.

Second, he's already
working with Taylor Swift

for twice the pay and
free legal, like Shelli.

But, you know, I'm cool.

And I'm gonna go back
to my unfinished house.

So, you know, I'm fine.

Yeah, the... the... the dream house.

Yeah. Anyhow...

- Okay.
- So...

[man] Red alert, Natalie
Shayne is in the building.

Go to green. Go to level green.

Shit, our wonderful
stalker's in the building.

[hushed giggling]

[Kelly Ann] Yeah, well,
I'm just fucked up enough

to take homegirl down once and for all.

Think you can finally catch her?

Hell yeah.

Okay, so do it, maestra.

Maestra?

Why couldn't that have been my nickname?

Oh, right, by the way, we... we
were able to get you something.

Oh, that's gorgeous.

A corsage.

What a surprise!

Oh, man, that looks almost too good to eat.

Oh, yeah. That's good.

[Milo] That smells fresh.

A work of art right there.

Now, what's your favorite pie?

- Um, apple.
- This is raspberry.

[laughter]

Would you mind getting
a quick shot of this?

[laughter]

Beautiful.

[
relaxed guitar music
]

There you go.

Hey, thanks.

Bye.

[Reg] Yeah, no, I think
the thing is we're talking

about two different things.

Sorry, could I call
you back in two seconds?

All right, okay, bye. Hi.

Um, we didn't... you left
before we could properly meet.

Yeah, that was the idea.

Look, you don't even know me.

How can you dislike me?

Most people wait until they know me

before they dislike me.

Listen.

Sorry, you've got...

Face.

Like, just a...

There's a little... I'm sorry.

There's a little bit more.

Thanks.

[mumbling]

I gather that you're
a first-rate... worker.

And I actually really
appreciate your brutal honesty.

So I would very much like it if you'd stay.

I have a ticket to New York tonight.

There are so many secrets about this band

and this crew that you will never know.

Will you tell me one?

Adios.

[shuddering laugh]

[exhaling deeply]

[
bright rock music
]

[Kelly Ann] Christ on a bike.

Hi.

Kelly Ann, hi.

Whatcha doing?

Oh, nothing.

You know, just looking around.

How are you?

Oh, my God, you look amazing.

How have you been?

I've been good, Natalie.

You know you got a restraining order

out on you, right?

Oh, I know.

That was really stupid of me.

I don't mean to cause any trouble.

I just, like, love you guys so much.

I'm gonna have to ask you
to put the microphone away

and come along with me, in that order.

I know. I-I understand.

It's just that I was just with Dave Grohl,

and he was with Lorde,
and Ben Harper was there

and Drake.

Sure.

We all understand how you feel, Natalie.

With your free hand, could you just

give me your laminate?

Oh, but it's my laminate.

- Shelli.
- [Shelli] Go for Shelli.

- I got her.
- [Shelli] You have eyes on SNS?

- I'm with SNS.
- [Shelli] Really?

- Yep, Tom's room.
- [Shelli] On my way.

God, Kelly Ann, you're
such a buzz-kill sometimes.

You know that?

Why couldn't you just let me be?

Natalie, that is a very special microphone,

and it was given to Tom
by Bruce Springsteen.

I know.

It's the actual one from
the "Dancing in the Dark"

video featuring the
very young Courteney Cox.

[laughing] Monica!

You know, they did, like, the...

Look.

You live for whatever you live for.

But I live for this band.

Look at you.

You're all stressed for no reason.

You should really listen to me, Kelly Ann.

I could help you...

[giggles]

...to have some more fun

in your life.

Come on. Put it back where it belongs.

- Mm-mm.
- Yes, Natalie.

- Mm-mm-mm.
- Yes, Natalie.

Natalie, you know that's
not the right thing to do.

You've got to put that microphone down,

put it back where you found it.

[moaning]

No, that is not good.

No, no, no.

No.

No, Natalie.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

I got to say I'm impressed.

Could I stay for the show?

I'm sorry, Natalie.

We had to get a restraining
order on your visits.

Shelli, did you see Natalie's
new leopard print shoes?

- I just got them.
- Wow.

Where did you get those?

They're really cute.

I got them on half price.

- Yeah.
- [gasping]

And now just your laminate, Natalie.

- No!
- No!

[shrieking]

La-la-la-la-la-la!

[
upbeat rock music
]

Puna, go to 4.

Oh, shit.

You okay? She... she okay?

- Kelly Ann.
- You okay?

Shoulder okay?

That was pro style there, Kelly Ann.

That's how you do it, guys.

All right? She's fine.

Got her, Puna?

I still think you're a great kisser, Bill.

[Natalie] See you in Atlanta.

Lights in 20.

Lights in 20.

Wes.

I'll do it.

I'll be a manny for young Winston,

aka the devil child.

God, I love you, Wes.

I am so glad you are here.

I thought you looked
like a fucking punk-ass

child molester, but you
turned out to be a star.

I am sorry I'm not better with compliments.

That's okay.

You are everything I expected

from your sister and never got.

I know.

But have you seen her movie?

No.

[Kelly Ann] See you, Gooch.

I already forgot you.

Never.

[
electronic pop music
]

I'm bored.

You're boring.

[Shelli] I know.

Ugh, I'm bored.

[Shelli] Our lead singer's adorable son.

Winston, Wes; Wes, Winston.

What's up?

What are you into, little man?

Weapons and sex.

I'm your guy. [gasps]

You're fired, hipster asshole!

I love this kid.

Dude, I'm your manny.

- Okay.
- Good luck.

[man] New Orleans, we're
The Head and the Heart.

Good night, everyone.

[man] This is Kevin
at the east gate.

The band is arriving.

[man] Kelly Ann!

Sorry about Phil, but he did tell me

everything you said about the show.

People tend to tell the truth when they got

one foot out the door.

Thank you.

New set list.

We're gonna play some new stuff.

We're gonna open with "Janine" tonight.

But I've never heard
you play "Janine" live.

Yeah, we never have.

Time to shake things up, right?

Really?

Yeah, yeah. Okay.

And we're gonna do "Letter
from a Lover" tonight too.

We haven't played some
of these songs in years.

We might really suck tonight 'cause of you.

[laughs]

You'll always be family.

Take care.

I love you guys!

[
solemn rock music
]

You.

I want my job back.

I'll do anything.

This ain't a good time to unquit.

The only reason I'm
allowing you back

into the Staton-House
family is because you didn't

abandon us for another tour.

Other than that, your
bunk on the bus is gone.

And when we get to Memphis,
you're gonna have to

double up in the hotel room.

You.

Yep.

Hmm.

Shit.

Piano.

God damn it.

[cheers and applause]

[man] You suck!

[Kimberly] Over here, Bill.

Hey!

[triumphant orchestral music playing]

[all] Two, three, four, five.

[cheers and applause]

Phew.

Wow.

Opening with "Janine."

Yeah, and "Letter from a Lover"?

Yeah.

Something is in the air.

Mm-hmm.

Staying?

Yep.

You?

Oh, yeah.

I sold the dream house a year ago.

I know.

Figured you might.

[band playing rock music]

[man] Ladies and gentlemen,
the Staton-House Band.

[fireworks crackling]

[Bill] God damn it! Firecrackers!

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