All language subtitles for Reno 911 s05e07 Undercover at Burger Cousin.eng

Here in Washoe county,

We lose about 17%
of our mailboxes a year

Due to, uh, kids driving
around with baseball bats.

Uh, hard to catch
these bastards,

So, what I'm going to do

Is I'm going to rig
every mailbox on this block

With a paint bomb.

The kind used in banks.

Uh, these things are,
uh, very sensitive,

Precision, french-made--

Fuck!

Sheriff's department!
Freeze! Freeze!

Get on the ground!
Down on the ground!

[indistinct yelling]

Woman: You're not
allowed on that!

What? What?

All right.

There's a tornado!
No, no, terry!

Crowd:
Hell no, we won't blow.

Yeah!

Oh, he's my friend!

Hey, hey--

Captioning made possible
by mtv networks

Dangle:
Good morning, gang.

[mumbling]
[burps]

Uh, phantom limbs.

Uh, that camp
that they have, uh,

In sparks for
the limbless children

Is looking
for volunteers--

All:
Not it.

I didn't say you had to.

They're looking
for volunteers for instructors.

'cause a lot of these kids
are from bosnia

And the eastern countries

Where they still have
a serious, serious problem

With land mines.

If they were american kids,
I'd consider it, but--

Oh, my god, we don't have

A really serious problem
with undetonated land mines around here.

So, I'm sorry
that we're importing our limbless children

To push them around
a pool in sparks.

Hey, jim,
what do you call a kid

Who has no arms
and no legs in a pool?

Bob.

A bosnian,
a little bosnian orphan.

That's
what you called him.

Uh, in other news, uh,
burger cousin

Has been robbed 11 times
in the past 16 days.

Are people
aware of this? Bad neighborhood.

Uh, jones and garcia,
I'm assigning you.

I'd like you
to go undercover.

Uh, we need--
we need some people inside the burger cousin.

We need
2 good people inside.

So, we're
earning double then?

No, you're earning
your sheriff's salary.

But not a burger cousin
wage on top of it?

No, when we--
when we do--for example,

When trudy
does undercover prostitution stings,

She actually gave
2 hand jobs, remember?

Yeah, and I didn't--

I didn't get
to keep the money.

We never get
to keep the money. Why not?

Well,
because I didn't swallow.

Because I didn't swallow.

Where did the money go?

Uh, uh, that money went

The knock hockey table
that we enjoy down in the rumpus room.

Yeah, so, the next time
you're playing knock hockey,

Just think of me
jerking off some crackhead.

Looks like this is our--

Oh, thank the lord, ok.

Williams: Hey, baby,
what's going on?

Bravo, thank you so much
for coming.

So, here's what I want

To make sure
you all understand

Right now,
right off the top.

I called you
to report a crime

That I don't have
nothing to do with, ok.

Oh, this is a first.

I'm not
involved in the crime,

I didn't
perpetrate the crime,

I didn't
do anything, ok?

Can we get to the crime?

Yes, ma'am, yes!

I was minding my--
I was walking down the street, ok,

And I was indeed--

I'm not going to lie,
I'm a vagabond a bit,

I'm a little bit
of a vagabond

I was
looking for shelter.

I found this vehicle.

The window was open,
and I climbed in.

I climbed into the car.

Ok, so, you called us
to tell us that you climbed into a car?

Yes, and I
looked in the trunk,

And there's something
in the trunk

That I think may be
of interest to you.

So, I made sure that
I called immediately.

Ok...
What's in the trunk?

It's--there's a head.
There's a head in the trunk.

There's a head.

23-year-old male head.

Hypothetically, if I
had severed the head--

Yeah, let's get to that.
If I had done it,

Ok...
Ok.

Then...

What would
the repercussions be?

Hypothetically?

Just hypothetically
speaking--

If you had done it?
Let's say--

Let's say I was not me.

Let's say I was
a different person.

Let's do--
let's play role play.

You be you.

We gonna be us, ok?

Ok, I'll be me.

We would be like, "hold up."

Stop, freeze, stop
in the name of the law.

Don't move.
Get that gun out my way.

Freeze!
I'm freezing!

I'm crazy!

And then we would go
"boom, boom, boom."

There's a head
in that trunk,

Oh, lord, there's a head--

Oh, I'm bleeding,
I'm bleeding--

I hate you, jerome,
why did you betray me?

Ok, you just
said jerome, stop.

We're not
role-playing anymore,

We're playing real life.

Why did you say jerome?

That's my cousin's name,

It just come
to me right now.

Is your cousin
living or is he dead?

Is your cousin
living or is he dead?

He is alive,
he is alive with the lord.

Alive with the lord.

Get your ass in the car.

Hypothetically speaking,

Your about to get your salad
tossed in prison.

Oh, ok, well, thank god
it's hypothetical. Ok.

Hello?
Yo.

Hey!
Hey.

Hey, what's going on?

You guys are the, uh,
you're the guys?

Yeah.

Ok, well,
you're already late,

So, we're not
getting off to a good start here.

Well, it was 'cause--

I don't even
need any excuses.

I need you guys here

'cause I'm sick
of getting robbed.

I want to make sure
that you are alert and on duty.

All my workers
that work here,

They follow
the rules in place,

But they also follow
rick's rules,

You understand?

I'm the manager,
I'm the boss.

You listen to me.
Absolute authority.

You are the manager?

Yes, sir.
You're the boss?

Yeah, rick the manager,
that's me.

See the name tag? Rick?

I do see.
Do I need to put

A "the manager"
underneath it,

Or can we
just go on my word?

So, if you
follow my rules, things should go well.

Ready?
Ok.

Let's enter
the sterile area. Ok.

You are now entering
the burger cousin kitchen.

This is where
the magic happens.

This is where
all the food is prepared.

This is where patrons
come in and enjoy

The wonderful meals
and--and--and

Environment that
burger cousin has to offer.

I don't ever want
you guys to enter the back.

If you have
to go to the bathroom,

Let me know,
I'll walk you around

The back
to the pay bathroom.

There are tokens for it.

That jar right there
is for tips.

I'll collect all the tips
at the end of the day

And distribute them
as I see fit.

I know you guys
are working "undercover,"

I know this is supposed
to be a "cush" job,

But I need
you guys to work

And give the appearance
of professionality.

I don't want you guys
fucking it up today, ok?

Ok.

There won't be
any fucking up.

Good.

No fucking up.

Don't use
that language in here.

Well, you--
that's me.

I'm the manager.

Now, I'm going to go
masturbate in the back,

You guys get to business.

Got a call about
a angry mob.

Angry mob, jesus.

I think the radio's
on the fritz,

That can't be right.
Angry mob...

We haven't had
an angry mob since the seventies,

I don't think.

Since that guy
was experimenting on monkeys out there.

Oh, son of a bitch.
Oh, man.

Just go past 'em,

They don't want
anything to do with us.

Ah, ah, ah, mike,
now, mike!

What?

We got a call
about a angry mob.

I ain't seen 'em.

You wouldn't know
anything about that?

No, it's just me
and stewart hanging out.

Hanging out?
Hanging out?

Yeah...

Not, not, not forming
an angry mob

To rush on something.

No.
Yeah?

Not concerned
about the italians

That moved in
right over there.

[italian accent]
hey, have-a some pizza pie!

No, that's--you are
a heartbeat away--

That's a hate crime,
do you understand that?

The combination
of the torch and the funny accent.

I'm not saying
I don't like them.

I'm saying it just--
would've--we--

Stewart would
prefer it if someone else would live there--

Don't hide
behind stewart!

Don't hide
behind stewart!

I don't think stewart--

I don't think you're
the ringleader here.

For some reason,

I don't think stewart's
the ringleader of this, mike.

He said, he said, he said,

He said this morning,
"mike, we gotta go over there,

Italians are ruining
the neighborhood."

He did.
Stewart said that?

Stewart said that?
Is that true?

Did you wake him up
and say italians are

Ruining
the neighborhood?

I'm pretty sure
that's what he said.

Stewart, you got
your whole life ahead of you, son.

Don't grow up
to be like this man.

Don't be like this, ok?

You could be anything.

You could be a priest,
you could be--

He couldn't be
a priest, buddy.

If you've seen the shit
he does on a daily basis.

He is one randy child.

Aw, come on!

Stewart, we're going
to take you to school.

Come on,
this ain't funny.

So, you don't--

Uh, no, it is funny.

I'm getting up,
and I'm going to get it on.

You want to drive?

You want to drive?

Yeah, come on,
got to learn sometime.

All right.
Where are the rollers?

He's going to want
to know where that is.

See, now, if you
run this fellow over,

It ain't our fault.
Ain't our fault.

[speaking spanish]

[speaking spanish]

Hello, sir,
welcome to burger cousin.

May we take
your order please?

Yes, you may.

I would like food for myself
and for my family.

Myself, my beautiful wife,
and my 2 children.

Maybe I would like to have

A burger with cheese,
and onions, and no mayo,

Burger...
And ketchup...

Uh, erase.

And mustard.

Uh, if you don't mind--

Do I need to slow down,

Or is this
a professional operation?

My children would like
chicken nuggets from the children's menu.

Ok.
Chicken nuggets for--

For jimmy, over here.

A corn dog
and grilled cheese for bobby, over here.

How much is all that?

Well, let's--
um...

$1.85.

That sounds like
an incredible bargain.

And...Freeze.

All right, gentlemen,

That was
a hell of a drill.

Now, the truth
of the matter is

That a kind
of a poor performance.

Garcia:
All right. All right?

First of all, you
didn't move fast enough.

You missed almost
everything that I ordered.

He wasn't supposed to--

I don't want either
of you blaming each other.

You gotta work in tandem
if this is going to work.

You guys work
as police officers,

Who do you have?

You have each other.

You got your partner,
you're like,

"hey, I need backup."

That doesn't mean "hey,
I'm going to blame you

For everything
that goes wrong."

I don't need you guys

Playing any kind
of grab-ass behind the counter.

And when customers
come in here,

I don't need them thinking,

"I'm going to get raped
with my burger."

Dangle:
Got another call about

These god damn kids
blowing up cats.

Son of a bitch.
Junior: Kids today.

Kids today.

They play
tgrand theft auto,

Do whippets--

And they
jack each other off on the youtube.

Fireworks, illegal.

Open intoxication,
illegal.

Open container, illegal.

Oh, oh, oh.
Oh, man.

What do we got here, huh?

Poor little guy.

Blowing up cats today, huh?
Sweetest little creature

On earth--ow!

Yeah, what are we doing
with these, huh?

Huh, huh?

Travis, travis, travis,
travis, travis!

Already lit,
it's already lit!

It's already lit!
[blowing]

Shit!
[indistinct]

Water, water,
travis, travis, travis!

Oh, whew.

Don't make us
come out here again.

Hello, welcome
to burger cousin,

This is jones.

Hold on.

Did you want to--

Hi, this is burger cousin,
how may I help you?

Uh, that gentleman
is someone who has just

Started working for us.

Why? Do you have
some kind of complaint?

Ok, I'll handle it.

Thank you very much.

Work on your phone voice.

The reno
sheriff's department

Recently rescued
a young woman named cindy

Who was on the path
to becoming a sex slave in her country.

And now, she has a chance
at a better life.

Uh, hey, cindy.

Hi, there!

How you doing?

It's your friend
cheresa come to visit.

Oh, you look
so pretty today.

Well, thank you.

I have a spot right here--

Oh, good.

That is so--
it's like a rock.

Oh, honey,
you don't need to ask me more than one time.

Oh, honey...

That's real good.

That's real good.
Right there?

That's good.
Like that?

Oh--oh, yeah.

You like that one.
Yeah.

Little bit harder this time.

Ok.
Unh!

Good, huh?

[telephone rings]
hi, there, officer handsome.

We've talked
about this. [rings]

Reno 911, what you want?

She was just
filing a few--

Ok.
[rings]

She was...

We don't have
to have a sidebar

About treating her
like a sex slave anymore, do we?

No, we don't.
We don't.

[sighing]

Sheriff's department!

Hello?
Sheriff's department!

Yeah?

Wow...

Uh, you want
to set down the giant, double-pronged dildo?

Is it all right if we
step inside the premises?

Yeah.

The thing is,
it's about the flyers.

Yeah,
that's why we came.

'cause that red
is too much?

No, no, I think the red
like the stop signs?

Actually looks
kind of good.

I think it looks good.

Oh, well, thank you.

It calls a lot of attention
to your information.

Thank you.
Like, for example,

Come in for titty torture,

Dildo punishment,
ass play,

Uh-huh.
Tea-bagging,

Ball clamping,
and other.

And other, yeah.

Well,
the problem is, sister--

Yeah.
If I may,

That you have this up
at the farmer's market,

And it didn't
go over too well.

These people down here
were angry.

The bottom line is--
I'm not offended!

I'm fine with butt plugs.

I'm fine with tea-bagging.
Oh, you see?

I'm fine
with titty torture.

How come you haven't
been here yet?

I'm fine
with ball clamping.

The kettle corn people
at the farmer's market are not.

And what does kettle corn
have to do with a butt plug?

Nothing, they just--

So, then if it's nothing,

Then why
are they complaining? That's shit.

They're taking away
my freedom of speech.

Here's the power--

The structure pyramid
around here, ok.

There's the mayor,

There's
the kettle corn people,

There's us.

The kettle corn people
give a lot of money to the sheriff's department.

And shit rolls downhill.

They told us
to come over here

And ask you
not to hand out the flyers at the farmer's market

'cause you're hurting
kettle corn business

With the tea-bagging
and butt clamping offers.

Can you just--
can you just not do it?

Sister, I'm going
to do that for you.

You say no, it's done.

I can't understand them.
So, could we not--

Yes, sister.

Could we agree
to do it differently?

Yes, sister.
It's like music.

You know what, I don't
want to say it around him--

You can see the notes
in the conversation.

Just picture all the words
on like a staff.

Will you?

Sister, I'm--
and you know what?

Gratis, free, free.

I'm going to teach you,
so, you know--

'cause they already stole
enough from us.

[beat boxing]

And I'm going to agree--

They don't even know.

I like you, girl.

I like you back.
I like you, girl.

I like you back.
Yeah, I like you, girl.

You come back.
Hey, williams.

You want to know
a little secret?

Woman: Thank god we got
black people on the force!

She's a dude.

No way.
Yep.

You lying.
Nope.

Her name's jeff.

How you know?

I swam in high school
with him.

What the hell?
Used to have--

Used to have
the second largest cock

I'd ever seen
at the time.

At the time.

You god damn bus drivers
ain't above the law.

Rolling stop does not
a stop make, my friend.

Whoa.

Missed me, sumbitch!

Unh.

Uh, lady wolf pack
won again last night.

Uh, there was
a fairly large riot.

Um, which means most
of our regular perpetrators

And recidivists are,
uh, in jail.

And it's very quiet
out on the streets,

So, we just figured
we'd goof around

With the polygraph
a little bit more.

Jones:
Raineesha williams...

Yes that is my name.

Clementine:
I have a question.

[clears throat]

Isn't it true
that your tubes are not, in fact, tied?

That you, in fact,
are planning on trapping deputy jones

Into fatherhood
and marital...

Not-so-much-bliss
with him?

What's true is that
you are a dirty bitch,

And you never should've
told what I told you.

[gasps]
and I told you

Something in private.

That's what's true.

You want to see
if that's true?

Ask me if she
a dirty bitch.

Oh, I know
I'm a dirty bitch.

I know that.

Everybody calm down.
Calm down!

This is why I said
we should play boggle instead.

No, remember the last time
we played boggle,

I got a broken nose.

Well, you were being
a cunt during boggle last time,

That's why--

[indistinct yelling]

No, no, no!

No, come on, please!

Everyone calm down!

Everyone calm down,
calm down.

Calm down.
Breathe in.

Look, you said
some nasty things.

You were kind of being
a cunt when we were playing boggle--

[screaming]
trudy, trudy!

Excellent, just like that.

Deposit all that
in the trash in back.

I just...

Gotta take care of it.

Gotta work on the fly.

I'm keeping you sharp, man.

Things like that are going
to happen all day.

I'm keeping you sharp.

That looks good.
You handle burgers before?

Nope, this is my first.

You doing a good job.
Look like you're a natural.

Good job.

Now, what did I do wrong?

Uh...
What did I do wrong?

You...

I had
inappropriate sexual contact with your buttocks.

I was getting
to that, yeah.

That's what I did wrong.
Ok.

Ok?
Ok.

I need you to report

Any kind of activity
like that to me directly.

I don't want to have
any harassment suits here.

Sure.

Ok, so,
anything like that happens,

You report it
directly to me.

To you?
Exactly.

Ok.
Now, tend to those burgers.

Ok.
Ok, good job.

Wiegel:
Got a couple of lovebirds

Trying to do
a bungee marriage on the bridge here.

Priest: Jordan,
do you take shane

To be your lawfully
wedded husband?

Hey there!

Sheriff's department.

Jordan: Who invited
the cops to my wedding?

Yeah, break it up.

Oh, I'm sorry, we're
actually having a ceremony.

I'm sorry, we're
actually not allowing

You to do that here.
...Trying to do our jobs.

This is illegal.

You can't bungee jump
off this bridge?

Ha, shane, don't act
like you don't know me.

I see that you recovered
from your bachelor party,

Which I performed at
the other night.

Actually, you caught
that boiled egg in your mouth.

Oh, yeah, right.

And I saved it because
I just couldn't believe it,

I've never seen that,
it's like getting a hole-in-one.

[screams]

Ok...

[screaming]

This is disgusting.
I can't do this anymore.

Here he comes.
Here he comes.

What did I say about
private chit-chat?

You said that
we should consult with you

To have a con--
conversation.

No, I said there's
absolutely no private, personal chit-chat.

It's not appropriate for
the workplace environment.

Ok.

Um, so that chili
I had for lunch

Resulted in an explosive
bathroom experience,

And I don't know how
to put this delicately, but uh..

I missed
the toilet entirely.

It was as if there was
a vacuum sucking things out of my body

And just projecting them
all over the bathroom walls.

And, I'm gonna need you guys
to clean it up.

So here's some tokens.

I need you guys to go
into the bathroom

And just,
top to bottom, scrub it.

It was horrible,
and I'm embarrassed,

And I hate to ask you
to do this,

But it's
your responsibility, technically,

And I'm gonna need you
to clean that shit up.

And then I'm gonna need you
to clean that shit up.

Oh, so it's gonna be
like that?

I thought you guys
were professional.

Are you quitting on me?

I want to hear you say it.
Are you quitting on me?

[traffic passing]

You fucking quitters!

[metal clangs]

Jesus! I thought
those douchebags would never leave.

Get the money
out of the register!

Act like your job
is so tough.

"I'm big, important
manager man."

I've done your job
all day.

Now, on the ground!
By the way, this place is a shit hole.

Captioning made possible
by mtv networks

Captioned by the national
captioning institute --www.Ncicap.Org--

Are we gonna be ringing
things up on that--

I will require you to
operate the cash register,

But I do not want
you to handle the cash.

Whenever the drawer is open

And people handle money,

You call me and
okay.

I will be the only one that
touches money.

That way your hands
never touch money,

That way the dirt
from the money

Never transfrs from your
hand to the food.

That way people
aren't concerned

That the grubby hands that

They're putting into
their pockets

Or all over their genitals

Is getting touched
onto the food--

Ya know, vicariously
through your hands.

Okay.

You understand
what I'm saying?

Yeah.

So you'll be
pushing the buttons,

I'll be touching
the money.

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