All language subtitles for Reno 911 s05e01 Did Husband.eng

Ok, it is finally happening.

We are jumping the shark.

[cheering]

Raineesha:
Jumping, jumping.

Jump, jump
that shark.

Lieutenant jim dangle
will be jumping a shark to fight autism.

[cheering]
support autism!

All: Do it, do it,
do it, do it, do it.

Go, dangle.
Go, dangle.

[air gun]

Man: Go, jim!

Oh, ugh!

Oh, god.

Shit!

[all yelling]

Oh my god!
I'm gonna throw up!

Will you be
my life partner?

[babbling]
say yes!

Yes!

Kid:
Faggot!

My water just broke.

Oh, my god.
Oh, my god.

[siren]

Hah! Heh!
Mother fucking

Cock sucker!

What holiday is it?

If anyone here objects

To this same-sex
partnership union,

You may speak now

Or forever
hold your peace.

Whoa, oh.

Uh...I, uh...

I got somethin' to say.

When love asks you to dance,

You take it by the hand
and you head to the floor.

Leslie, will you
dance with me?

Until the last dance
in heaven.

[whispers]
I know who the father is.

Sheriff's department!
Freeze! Freeze!

Get on the ground!
Freeze!

[gunshots]

[indistinct yelling]

D'oh!

What? What?

[all screaming]

All right.

[grunting]

There's a tornado.
No, no, terry.

Crowd:
Hell no, we won't blow.

[gunshots]

Yeah!

Oh, he's my friend.

[grunts]

[gunshot]
[yells]

Captioning made possible by
mtv networks

Trudy, whispering:
I know who the father is.

[laughing]
man: Oh, wow.

What, did you all
think that was real?

Come on, man.

Section 501, paragraph "c,"

"nevada state bylaws
prohibit same-sex marriages

Between a man, a man,
a woman, and a woman."

It is illegal to marry
another man, jim, in the state of nevada.

Therefore, I place your,

Uh, would-be husband
under arrest.

Oh, what
the fuck.

[laughing]

Second man:
Get the--

[indistinct chatter]

Anything you say
can and will be used against you--

Oh, bro, you're
chumming for a lawsuit.

You have the right
to an attorney--

Lawsuit, bro.

If you cannot
afford an attorney,

Which I know
you cannot--

You know I fucking
can't afford one.

Welcome back.

Thank you,
thank you.

I assure you,
to those of you

Who have not stayed
in our jail recently,

It is an effective
deterrent.

Jim, I just
wanted to say--

Speak--talk to me
through your attorney.

We speak through
our attorney, now.

Ok.

- You remember that, right?
- Just doin' my job.

That was part
of the agreement.

Just doin' my job.

- Ahem, trudy?
- Yes?

I believe you had
an announcement you wanted to make.

We all know that
I went to a sperm bank.

And the father is...

Someone in this room.

We knew that already.
We knew that already.

Oh.

You said you knew?

Oh, I know.

And you're going
to lord it over us

Like the sword of damocles,
like a weapon.

Is this going
to become some sort of psychological weapon

In your passive-aggressive
arsenal of psychosis?

Hadn't thought about--
but that's a great idea.

That's what it is.

What are your plans
for the boy?

[mumbling]

Raineesha: One more time.

[mumbling]

He's got a rice suit,
so...

No.

Take it from me,

You don't want to be
on your own with no kids.

Go on and call your
baby's daddy out!

Do it.

And make him
step up to the plate.

Man: Do it.

Do the right thing.

Oh, I'm going
to do the right thing.

You better believe it.

So, how much?

15,000 dollars.

Ohh, all right.

We can't have
anymore children of our own.

Mm-hmm, no.
Ahhh.

So we have one,

But we can't
have anymore.

After we had her,
I got sewed up real.

Very snug, yeah.

So we can't
do it anymore.

I'm pretty sure
she did it on purpose.

You know what, just because
you're buying my baby

Doesn't mean I need
to know anything about you.

Oh, does he have any
makeup allergies?

Not that I'm aware of.

Healthy appetite?

Very healthy appetite.

He eats like a pig,
but not too much.

Has he ever been
rendered disqualified

Or ineligible from
any of the following organizations?

Junior miss reno?
Uh, no.

The little ladies
girls' parade?

What are the--
what's this?

Um, arabian empresses?

Of course not.
What is this?

These are pageants,
we're on the circuit.

Oh, like a carnival,
like a freak show?

[laughing]

It's hardly
a freak show, no, no.

This is just
a pageant circuit.

We want to try and get,
uh, get it out there

As quickly as possible.

Sexy, sexy kids.

Ohhhh!

You break it you bought it.

Oh!
Wow!

Oh, my back.

Oh, that's a good one.
I think he's sturdy.

Yeah, we, uh...

What are we clockin'
in here, like 9 pounds?

No, he's a 10-pounder.

Woooo!

If that was a watermelon
he'd be 11 bucks.

Yeah, well, um...

We've got a real porker here,
I gotta say--

No, no, no, no.
You can slim him down.

- You know what--
- how about 14,000?

How about 14,000--

I think,
you know what?

We are gonna go in
another direction.

Yeah, wow.

You don't
want to do that.

- This is a healthy--
- we're going to pass.

I'll do--I'll do 8,
and I'll throw in a waterbed,

Gently used.

No, no, no, no, no.
Oh, god. Fucking hell.

[baby giggling]
shh.

Shit, all right,
mommy loves you.

Blah, blah, blah.

[siren]

Oh hey, whoa!

[siren]

Ok, excuse me, miss.
I gotta--I gotta commandeer this vehicle.

Yeah, uh--

I gotta commandeer
this vehicle, right now.

I gotta commandeer
this vehicle, all right?

Y'all have to get out,
y'all gotta get out.

- No--
- uh I don't--

Y'all gotta get out,
y'all gotta get out of the car--

But look, but look,
but look, but look.

Look, look at this.

Sir, based on that--
f.B.I.

F.B.I., f.B.I. F.B.I.

- Ok--
- so y'all gotta get outta the vehicle.

Let me have the vehicle.

So, what is
the situation?

Yeah, what?

Ok, ok, ok,
let me just--

Ok, you don't
need to know the--

All the details
of the situation.

Let me just
put a hypothetical to you, though.

Ok, all right.

Hypothetically,
there was a dude, ok?

And perhaps that dude
was in the middle of robbing

A liquor store, right?

And maybe he found
a safe and he was like,

"wow, finally, jackpot.
6 liquor stores,

Couldn't find a safe,
finally found a safe."

Well, then he found
a safe and the dude was cooperative,

And he got the money, right?

And now that dude
is fleeing the scene

As fast as he
possibly can, ok?

And you're trying
to apprehend him.

I gotta catch that dude,
I gotta catch that dude.

What I would say
is that that is not an f.B.I. Situation.

That's a police
or sheriff situation

And we have not
gotten that call.

Let me take
this one off your hands.

Well, you know what?
I'm gonna say thank you for the tip.

Right, right.

So that we
can do our job--

Oh, no, no, no.

That is real good of you.

But--but did
I mention this?

Did I mention this
about the said gentleman?

Ok?

I don't know
if I had mentioned this.

He is from...

He's from kenya.

Sure.
Oh!

Which makes it
an international matter.

Ok? All right?

He's a kenyan refugee.

Oh.
All right?

He's gonna
take that money

And turn it
into kenyan notes

And go back to kenya
and take a bunch of little babies

And bring them
back here and sell them.

Ok--
I can't have that.

Y'all ladies come on
out of the vehicle.

No, you know what?

I'm gonna let--

Y'all can move out
the vehicle like this.

I'm gonna let you
commandeer this vehicle

But in the back seat.

Ok, all right. That's fine,
and I'm gonna tell you--

And we'll just--
you can come down to the station with us

And tell us all about
everything.

But before we go
to the station,

How about we get
as close to the stateline as we possibly can?

I'm gonna say,
why don't you give me that, again.

And I'm just going
to hang onto it.

Ok, all right,
that's fine.

Hang on to it.

But I believe I still
have jurisdiction over you

As a member of...

Department of the treasury.

Dispatcher:
81 clear.

Unit 14 clear.

Yo!

Hi, I'm from the reno
sheriff's department.

Our friends
at the washoe county animal shelter

Have lots of little
friends who are currently available for adoption.

This is hector.

He's a male lizard,

And he was seized
by law enforcement officers

From a house where some
not very nice things were being filmed.

Hector's good
with children

And has some
on-camera experience.

These little googley eyes
have seen some really terrible things.

But hector's ready to put
all of that behind him with a new family

That's involved in
wholesome family-oriented activities...

And not pornography.

The washoe county
animal shelter,

Where we "pawto help
our 4-legged friends.

Mm-hmm.

I shudder to think

What would happen
were you to raise a child.

What happened,
for example,

To that hamster
that you had for awhile?

He--I put him down
the garbage disposal.

By accident.

And what happened
to that fern...

That, uh, clementine
gave you, uh...

For, uh, for--
for arbor day last year?

I caught it on fire
in my bath tub.

And what,
for example,

Uh, happened to, uh...

That nice, new tv
that you got?

It's still working.

It's working
as a coffee table,

Because I busted it out.

Should not be trusted
with a child. For the best.

I took a bat
and I busted it out.

I'm gonna drive drunk
whenever I want to

Because I don't
believe in laws,

I say the hell
with my parents,

And I'm young.

Whoo!

Yeah!

[moaning]

Hey there, drunky joe.

It's the ghost
of drunk driving.

Come to see you behind
the wheel of your tercel.

My goodness,

Your breath certainly
does smell like firewater.

Blow into this,
my harbinger of your fate,

A breath-a-lizer.

[beep]

.125.

How did you blow a .125?

What are you monitoring?

Oh my god.

I didn't know we
were really gonna--

I didn't think
you were really gonna--

No, I really did.

You blew .125.
Uh, yeah.

It's 8:45 a.M.
I know.

What on earth is that,
is that [indistinct]?

A little bit.

He's 8,500 dollars,

But if I sell
you my baby,

You're not gonna
raise him like...

[hums oriental tune]

Are you?
Uh, what...

What is...
I--I'm sorry.

What's that mean?

You know, like
oriental, and all the "happy new year,"

Even though it's
not really new year, and all that stuff.

Actually the term is an
asian pacific-islander american.

Ok, yeah. Whatever.

But, um--
we don't plan on living in china.

I'm afraid I'm going
to have to pass, though.

It just feels weird,
you know?

Like when you go into
a black person's house

And you don't know
what to talk about.

And you don't know
where to look.

Kinda like looking
at a blind guy

And you don't know
where to talk,

And...It just feels wrong.

Dispatcher:
All units, code 14 on virginia and court.

Code 14, virginia and court.

Ok, fuck.
I gotta get to work.

Oh, ok, uh...
Ok? I gotta get to work.

All right,
all right. Ok.

All right uh,

Uh...

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!

Wrong one. Here,
here, here.

Don't steal that! I
know where you live.

Ok? Hang around here
for like 20 minutes,

I'll be right back.

I'm coming!

[speaking chinese]

You make me laugh,
you're funny,

You're--
uh, me?

You're entertaining...
Yes, you! And so, yeah.

I just have to know.

Are you wiegel's
baby's daddy?

Don't lie.

Um...

Did you look at
the baby's ears and the nut sack?

Because if the ears
and the nut sack

Are--are real dark,

Then it probably
is your baby.

But if it's white
like the rest of it, it ain't.

Well, when
I came out--

When I was born,
you know,

I, you know, I had
dark ears and dark nut--nut sack,

But, you know,
white-looking baby.

That's what I'm saying!
Then I changed...

Yeah.
Because you catch up with

The ears and
the nut sack. Right.

Uh, we're on the 395.
Got a report of a jumper.

He's almost out of
our jurisdiction, too.

God dammit.

Jumper: Don't even
come any closer 'cause I'll do it!

It doesn't
even matter! Doesn't matter!

Job done!
Get in your cars and go.

Just step away.

'cause I'm doing it!
All: No, no, no, no!

You look, you look.
Look, look, look, look, look, look.

Please step
back for us.

No, no. You don't
understand what I'm dealing with.

All right, look, look.
I got up this morning.

Right, and I looked in
the mirror and I was like, "oh. Man.

Nah, I can't do this
anymore, all right?"

'cause I reached my
peak. I reached my peak.

You know what I'm
saying? You look up...

You--you look at
yourself and you're like, "you know what?

"I'm the best
I'm gonna be.

I'm not gonna get
better than this."

All: No, no, no,
no, no, no, no! Sir, sir!

Look, look, look!

Andrew, andrew!
We've--we've--we've met you before.

Yeah.
You--you could do much better!

Ah, I beg to differ.

You could do
so much better!

What was the last
book you read?

Uh, oh, osuperfudge.

See?
That's right.

You read that
recently?

Or did you read
that--

Have you read
it recently?

Oh, my god, that's
a book you re-read,

And re-read,
and re-read.

Have you read
anything other than superfudge?

Is there any other
book? That's my--

Yes! Yes!

There's tales of
the fourth grade nothing!

Uh, there's, uh,
me, margaret! It's me margaret!

There's tons of
other...By the way, there's books...

There's books
not written by judy blume!

Andrew, this
is bullshit.

This is a plea
for attention.

You have
no intention of jumping.

You wouldn't jump--
right.

Give you $10
if you jump off it right now.

That's offensive!

That's offensive that my
life is $10. $10. 10 bucks.

You come here to save
my life-- I got 5 on it.

15. You got 15?

25.
I'll put in 20.

I got 25 right here.

At least we're in
the ballpark here.

25.
I got 5.

15 plus 15. That's
20. 130 bucks.

You going once,
going twice.

Oh, junior!
[andrew screams]

[thud]
what the...

Oh, he's peeing
in his pants,

Which means he's
probably alive, right?

Hi! I'm trudy wiegel.

With all the hustle
and bustle of today's work-a-day world,

Who has the time to
make a baby yourself,

The old-fashioned way,

With all that hard work
and messy clean-up?

[baby crying]

This baby is white,
full of love, joy, and wonder,

And could be yours
with just one phone call.

So just call 911
for the reno sheriff's department.

All baby sales
are final.

No refunds,
no exchanges.

Order yours today
while he's still cute!

Say, "bye, bye, mommy."

"bye, bye, mommy."

I gotta--I tell you,
I've got a slight concern about, um...

If I am the father
of wiegel's baby.

And it's a--it's
a real simple one,

I think it's, uh,
the concern every father probably has.

Flipper arms?

Oh, for crying
out loud.

Oh, terry,
terry, terry. [siren]

Why am I not surprised?

Sheriff's department!

- Terry?
- Terry!

Knock, knock.
Hi.

Knock, knock.

- Guess who?
- Who's there?

Sheriff's department.
We just said that.

What do you guys want?

What do you think?

I'm letting you in.
I didn't let-- open the door.

Knock, knock.

- Who's there?
- Both: Sheriff's department.

Hey, what do
you guys want?

We have a warrant
this time, let us in.

Ok, hold on. I'm just
going to go to the kitchen for a second.

- Ok. Come right back.
- We'll wait here.

'cause we have a warrant.

I'm gonna make
you some lemonade.

Ok, open the fucking
door first, please, terry.

And we don't
have an hour.

Open the fucking
mime door. Good. [squeak]

The lady at that
house over there--

Ok.

Looking out
her window,

- And seeing--
- hi. What?

What did she see?

She saw me, uh,
totally partying.

Can you describe
"partying" for me,

- Please, in more detail.
- I got a cake--

Mm-hmm.

And then I
got my flute--

Mm-hmm.

And I go like this.

Terry, can I ask
you a question?

What?

Is that flute
another man's penis?

Whoa!
Time out. Ha ha.

No, time in.
No.

- Game...[whistles]
- there's no time outs.

Game in.
There's no time outs in life.

We're
back in play.

Well, maybe
the flute evolved.

Ok, now we're
getting somewhere.

I said maybe, I
didn't say it did.

First of all,
I'm not gay.

I'm sitting here
waiting for my girlfriend to pick me up.

You're waiting for
your girlfriend to pick you up.

What's your
girlfriend's name again, terry?

Seeeeemji.

Both: Seeeeemji?

Spelled?

S-e-e-e-e-e-m,

Silent "j" "I."

[horn honks]

Oh, look who's here!
Hi, seeeeemji! Hi, baby!

What's going on here?

Uh, I don't know.
The 5-o's all up in my grill.

Why are you guys
always harassing him?

It's absolutely
ridiculous. Hi, seeeeemji.

Hi, sweetie.
I love you.

I love you.
I love you, seeeeemji.

Hi, I'm seeeeemji.
The "j" is silent.

This is
my girlfriend seeeeemji.

Hi.
Hi.

Wow, you're...
You're a--a...

An item.
We're a couple.

We're engaged,
by the way.

- Wow.
- Congratulations.

I got this at
lord of the wedding rings.

It's beautiful,
isn't it?

Down the street.
You know that store, it's beautiful.

[whispers]
we're expecting.

You're expecting?

Mm-hmm.
Wow! My god!

Wiegel:
By terry? By terry.

Terry put his wiener--

No, no, no.
Inside you?

He had, um,
we did it,

Um, with, um,
artificial insemination.

Oh!

Because he has
a condition now, so we don't...

We don't actually...

[whispers]
have sex in that way.

Oh, ok.

This is a lot
of information.

A lot of this
is starting to make sense now.

We should probably
get going.

When we get in
the bedroom...We get in the bedroom,

And we get nude,
and then I can't get hard and I vomit.

Ok.
Ok.

Ok.

All wiegel's
little baby does is

Stagger around
like a retard and look at boobs,

So, yeah,
it could be mine.

You have made
a very good deal for 6,000 dollars.

We're very excited.
Thank you.

We're excited
to be parents.

Benson! We're gonna
name him benson.

Oh! He looks
like a benson!

He's a--that's
also a great tv show.

Ok.

So, where will, uh,
your--your son be living?

- We live in tahoe.
- Yes.

- Ooh! Where's that?
- Lake tahoe.

It's actually about,
uh, 30, 40 miles from here.

It's beautiful!
Have you never been?

Yeah, my car won't
make it that far.

Oh.

You should
really visit. It's gorgeous.

You don't have
to actually. Not us.

Well, you know,
the area.

You know, I would
come to the area.

- Yes?
- Wiegel?

Found this by
your locker.

Oh, my god.

D.N.A. Test
results?

Oh, my god, oh, my god,
oh, my god.

Wiegel, I ain't--
I ain't--I ain't got much.

I wish I had
at least known.

- No, you know what--
- I mean you know what,

Like having a--
having a--having a kid might, like,

Give me reason
to--to keep going.

No, no, no.
I thought it'd be best if you didn't know.

Like having somebody
to kinda fill

My footsteps
and keep going.

It's not necessary.
It's not necessary.

I can't believe
that for6,000 dolls

You're just gonna
not even tell me.

How 'bout 10?
Sold.

Great.

Oh, I'm gonna be
the best mommy ever!

Just put, um,
"baby" in the memo.

Great.

Delores?

Here you go.
Great!

Have a great life!

Thanks!

Bye!
Bye, baby!

Whoo! 10 g-bombs.

Good work.
That was good. 5 and 5.

I didn't know that
you were capable of that.

No, I just did
a little cayenne pepper in each eye.

Oh. You should go
into community theater.

No, bunch of fa.

Captioning made possible by
mtv networks

Captioned by the national
captioning institute --www.Ncicap.Org--

You can't think bad
on someone.

That's not how
the secrworks.

You can't go, "oh, I hope
that person gets killed."

Andrew, andrew,
we're not familiar with the secret.

We have not read
the secret.

- We're familiar with you.
- You've gotta get a hold of th.

You have to get ahold of it.
It will change your life.

Get off the bridge,
go back to your mom and dad's house,

We'll borrow your
copy the secret,

And you know what,

We'll get a little
book club meeting a.

[all talking at once]

I read it.
It's not that good.

You know what?
Just 'cause you said that, I'm out of here.

No, no, no, no!

He's wrong!
He's wrong!

[all shouting]

Sorry! I'm sorry.
I loved it.

Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0