All language subtitles for Reno 911 s03e01 Prison.eng

- Somebody's got to
take out the trash, and I

Promise the citizens of reno
that that person is gonna be

Me, mike powers.

Dereliction of duty,
sexual indiscretion.

- Mmm.

- Lot of charges leveled
against this department.

- Mm-hmm.

- Are you, uh...Aware of
all the activities that take

Place within the department?

- Yes, sir, I am.

[echoes]

- Does anything
escape your attention?

- No, sir, it does not.

- Are you aware that
your balls are hanging out

Right now?

[echoes]

You're all fired, so if
you could turn in your guns

And badges to, uh,
the bailiff here.

I'm going to personally
make sure that you all rot

In prison.

[echoing]

Good-bye.

You're all fired.

Man: That's a lovely
shade of bitch.

[laughing]

- What's up, mandingo?

[laughter]

- Aah!

[gasps]

I just had the most
horrible nightmare.

We were all indicted
and sent to prison.

[breathing heavily]

- Wasn't no fucking
nightmare.

Lay your ass back down!

- Oh, hey, rufus.

[captioning made
possible by mtv networks]

[siren]

- Whoa, whoa, whoa!

- [cheering]

- Ha ha ha!

- Whoa! Ho! Ho!

[siren]

[tires screech]

[man speaks
indistinctly over p.A.]

[jones playing harmonica]

[dangle breathing
rhythmically]

- Ahem.

- Typical day for me is,
uh...Oh, about 10 or 12 hours

Of exercising...

[jones playing harmonica]

Uh, and then I practice
some conversational german.

[speaking poorly
accented german phrases]

- Get your--get your ass
out of my face, dangle.

- Get your face out of my ass!

- What's it like in here?

Well, when I'm not sitting in
a fetal position, rocking back

And forth and crying, I take
a couple of catnaps every day,

And then, other than that,
it's just, you know, how do

You spend the rest of the
mind-numbing hours in here

When there's absolutely
nothing to do?

- Aah! Aah! Ow!

[crying]

Ow!

Ow, ow, ow!

Ow! Ow!

- The needle isn't even
touching you right now.

- Ok, ok.

Ok.

- Ohh...Aah!
- Trudy. Trudy!

- Ok, stop, stop!

- What--how much
did you get done?

- Nothing.

- Ok, go ahead.

- Are you sure?

- Yeah. Ok.

Aah! Aah! Ow!

Did you finish?

Is it finished?

- I need--ok, you know
what I finished?

This part of his ear.

That's it.

- That's ok. Thank you.

- Ok.

- Feels kind of good.

My roommates and I,
things are pretty good.

I have night terrors,
so they're not

Excited about that.

Um, most of the time, I
scream through the night that

Something's trying to kill me,
I violently thrash about,

And sometimes I harm
myself or others.

So, they're not psyched about
that, but other than that

We have a really good
time together.

- ♪ swing low ♪

- ♪ sweet chariot ♪

- Hey. Hey, hey! Hey!

I sing.

You don't sing.

- What do you mean,
you sing, I don't sing?

- First of all, we
can't sing it together.

It's an old negro spiritual.

You're not old, and
you've never been negro.

- I'm singing the harmony,
the white harmony.

- ♪ ah ♪

- ♪ swing low ♪

♪ sweet chariot ♪

- Y'all stop, for real!

You about to make
me start crying.

Stop! Stop!

This is creepin' me out!

- Why, 'cause it reminds you
of your mammy?

Sorry.

I know--
[gasps]

- Oh--
- ow! Ow!

Help! Help!

- Let's take a timeout.
Let's take a timeout.

- ♪ slam, slammy-slammer,
the man has dropped down ♪

♪ the hammer on me, jonesie,
quite inexplicably ♪

♪ incarceration, humiliation ♪

♪ no transportation
or mastur-ba-tion ♪

♪ mike check, 1, 2,
shaw, shank, shaw, shank ♪

♪ these 4 walls cannot hold me,
cannot contain me, cannot ♪

♪ a'breaka my stride, for I am
fed full with knowledge that ♪

♪ few would believe ♪

- Uh, prison life,
I have really

Been trying to make
the best of it.

I'm in a correctional facility.

I'm trying to make some
corrections to clemmy.

You know, first thing right
off the bat, first day,

I got that going.

Um, a girl kicked my ass
because I wouldn't kiss her.

Um, some bitch named deltrice
or something like that.

And so,
now, um, I have to give her

All my cigarettes.

So I'm not smoking anymore.

- Mail call. Come to papa.

- [inhales]

- Yeah, and then I got you a,
uh, '97 cabernet.

- Ohh!

Yo!

- They didn't
have a '96, huh?

- You gonna start on me again?

- I'm just saying, in the
future, when you're picking

Out a cab...Go with
an even year.

- If you don't want it,
I'll take it--

- No, no, no.

- Yeah, don't get him mad.

- You know, being
in prison, I have,

Uh, finally decided to
start my first novel.

Uh, started it two weeks ago.

It is "christine"
by stephen king.

So far it's about a--it's,
like, this car that at night,

It comes to life, and it kills
folks who said something mean

About the car.

It's real good so far.

- Let me tell y'all about the
worst date I ever been on.

This was my first
baby's father.

We stand in this line for
over two hours to take pictures.

We get up to the front,
and this was his dance.

Get up to the front.

He said, "do you
got some money?"

- [gasp]

- Do you understand me?

Then the boy looked me in my
face, and I said, "does hell

Go with no?"

But the argument was so rich.

Do you understand
what I'm saying?

Like, I felt like we
connected, and I knew in that

Moment when he was hollerin'
and screamin' at me in that

Parking lot, I said,
"I'm gonna give him some."

- I gave a guy some because
he opened my car door for me,

And I thought that was polite.

So I blew him.

- You know, they've never
made a perfect prison.

Two words about, uh,
prison escape: Plumbin'.

You know?

You flush the terlet,
that turd's gonna end up

Somewhere outside of these
walls, and, uh, if a turd can

Make it out, so can we.

- ♪ ahh, ahh, ahh, ahh,
ahh, ahh, ahh ♪

- This is maria stone
reporting live

From the washoe county
penitentiary.

I'm standing here with new
acting district attorney

Scott greenberg.

There has been a warrant issued

For the arrest of, uh,
district attorney mike powers,

As new dna evidence, uh,
has linked him to a series

Of prostitute murders
and decapitations.

So, if you come in contact
with mr. Powers--and let me

Tell you, he's
very charismatic.

He's a very nice guy.

He compliments
you very easily.

Uh, do not--do not take
this into your own hands.

He is a dangerous person.

- And what does this
mean to the deputies of reno's

Sheriff's department?

- Well, they're probably gonna
walk, scot-free.

Yeah, yeah.

- Well, congratulations on your
new position, mr. Greenberg.

- Oh, thank you.

Actually, I'm having
a party tonight.

They're throwing me a party.

They--do you have e-mail?

- This is maria
stone reporting live.

[tires screech]

[siren]

[siren]

- Tonight, reno's finest
are back on the street.

Released on parole, they are
ineligible for civil service,

But they are free, free to do
anything they want, anything

Except wear a badge.

The gates are opening here at
washoe county penitentiary.

The deputies of reno are just
moments away from freedom.

Sir, excuse me.

How does it feel to be
a private citizen again?

- Um, it's great.

Uh, I'm glad I'm not a cop.

Uh, fuck cops,
and, uh, suck my dick.

- You have beautiful eyes.

- I know.

- How do you feel about
district attorney mike powers?

- Oh, there's no hard feelings.

You know, people--

People do what they do, and,
you know, c'est la vie.

- And you're not
interested in finding him

And arresting him?

- No.

I'm mostly interested in going
home, taking a nice quick

Whore's bath, and then heading
out to hometown buffet.

- You know, we watch you
every single night at 10:00.

Every night.
Boys, uh, [bleep] off to you.

Good to meet you, though.

- Take him to the rack,
take him to the rack.

There it is! Ohh!

- Ok. Ok, ok, all right.

- Play some defense now.

- Now, now.
Oh, spin it.

- No.
- Boom!

- God!
- Yes.

Life is, uh, treating
me pretty darn good.

Both jonesie and I are,
uh, s.E.O.S here at--

- Uh, security
enforcement officers.

- Here at the beautiful
washoe county mall.

We're, uh--we're in here
in a nice, uh,

Climate-controlled environment.

- And that also makes, uh,
climate-controlled criminals.

- Yeah.

Pretty much, uh, you know,
we don't have to yell "freeze,"

Or "drop the gun,
son of a bitch."

It's like, "hey, get
out of the fountain.

Leave santa alone."

You know?

- "please don't do that."

- "don't steal that stuff
from the food buffet."

You know?

- "come on, you guys."

- "come on, hey."

- "seriously.
For real, don't."

- "stop putting slugs into
the video arcade machines,

Or I'll, uh, shine my
flashlight on you."

We love the new uniforms,
by the way.

I mean,
I'm loving this color.

- They're light...

- Cotton, breathable.

Not that, uh, crappy, uh,
baghdad beige we wear.

- Yeah. That was disgusting.

- Oh, man.

- And it didn't do
anything for...Your eyes.

- [snorting and hocking]

Oh, come on. Talk to me.

[snorts]

Ahh.

Ohh. Come on.

There was sort of a little
dark period there where I kind

Of just laid in bed
eating peanut butter

For about 9 days.

And then I'd fallen asleep on
the street one day, and there

Was a bus bench ad that said
something along the lines of...

Number one.

Someone was number one.

Some lawyer or somebody was
number one, and I thought,

"good god. I got half my
life ahead of me.

"it's time to--I'm number one.

It's time for me to take
my shot at number one."

And here I am,
trying out for "american idol!"

I'm going to hollywood!
I'm just practicing that.

I'm not going yet, obviously.

- Well, since leaving prison,

Things have been going
pretty well for me.

I opened my own bed and
breakfast in my house.

Ok, just a second.

Georgie?

Uh, one sandwich per person. Ok?

So, let's not, uh--I saw
that you had one earlier.

Excuse me, betty.

So this is mine. Ok.

If you're in the reno area,
you should check out trudy's

Scratching post, bed
and breakfast,

In the reno-tahoe area.

Betty, can I get a tea?

If you would like to come and
stay, it's not very expensive,

And you can stay in
my living room.

I sleep in the master bedroom,
but you can--there's plenty

Of room in the living room.

Just bring a sleeping bag,
and it's cozy and fun,

And we have--if you like board
games, we have sorry.

It's almost bedtime, you guys.

We go to bed at,
like, 4:00.

And if you like animals,
I have 13 cats, so come

And give 'em a squeeze.

Uh, but not the black one,
because he bites.

Mmm. Honey, this is lukewarm.

Can you heat this up, please?

[loudly]
thank you!

She's hard of hearing and dumb
as a post, but what a doll.

That's good, georgie.

Please don't run
into the furniture.

- Bitch, you better
shut that baby up!

- Don't tell me what to do!

[gunshot]

- Since I got out of
jail, I've changed.

Do you see this? Huh?

Ha! Nothin' but pure joy!

Why? 'cause I'm
not a cop no more.

Let's take a look at this!

[car alarm]

Start gettin' excited, people.

This is a winner!

- This one has
more bars, I think,

On the windows than
the other one.

- Yeah, but you know what?

Bars not only keep people out,
but they keep stuff in.

- Sure. They keep stuff in--

- All right, now,
this is beautiful.

You're only gonna be able
to look through the windows,

Though, 'cause I can't
let you go inside.

- Oh, because of the
"sheriff's line,

Do not cross," yellow--

- Do not cross, yellow.

However, there is an upside,
and that is that you'll get to

Keep all the furniture inside...

- Mmm.

- That's not evidence.

Huh? Huh!

[tires screech]

[siren]

[siren]

- Hands inside the vehicle!

Ohh.

See, as a cop, I had to
enforce all kinds of rules.

Here I got one: Hands
inside the vehicle.

You know what?

Sometimes I don't enforce it.

What the fuck?

This is the life, boy.

It really don't get
no better than this.

Seein' the world, travelin'
the country, gettin' to be my

Own boss pretty much, 'cause
mr. Johnson's always drunk.

Been here for 5 days,
still got all my fingers.

That's right.

I never get tired
of this song.

They play this song all day.

It plays this, and it
plays "ooh, that smell,"

By lynyrd skynyrd.

You know, this--this
beats being a cop.

Wait. Wait a second.

Let me just check my "to
do" list for the day.

Oh, shit!

I ain't got a "to do" list!

I done it! I done everything!

Whoo. Got to watch it.

Last time I went in
there for a beer,

I got clocked pretty good.

Hey, baby, mustache rides!

5 cents!

Yeew!

- I'm out of jail, and
I'm living my dream.

You know what I realized?

I'm not meant to be a cop.

I am not meant to be a
magician's assistant.

I was not meant to
go to college.

I was not meant
to donate blood.

I am a babylon sister,
and I was meant to shake it

With steely dan,
motherfuckers!

Whoo! Owh, owh, owh!

I think of the dan the way
a lot of people think

Of the dead, uh, in that their
music is the soundtrack to my

Whole life.

And using the thing that I
know how to do with people's

Heads, I am going to get them
to change the title of that

Song from "hey, nineteen," to
"hey, thirty-five and holding."

I'm gonna do it. I swear.

I am gonna just
party my ass off.

I've already gotten started,
huffing a little hairspray

In the bathroom.

So you know what?

Who needs, you know, a steady
paycheck and a $10 co-payment

When you got this?

- We're--we're lovin' it.

It's great, just great to
have the freedom, you know,

To do what you want to do.

This is our world.

It's like one of
those biodomes.

- We're going to go to,
uh, barbados next week.

- Next week, and we're
gonna try snorkeling.

- Yeah.

- Looking forward to that.

- And some surfing and...

- And then some surfing
and some senoritas...

- Yeah.

- In barbados.

- Maybe we'll get
you an earring.

Huh?

- Well, maybe.

Maybe I'll get a tattoo on
the ankle or something.

- That's a little gay.

- [whistles]

- Hey!

Hoo-hoo! Git. Go.

- Hoh, hoh,
hoh, hoh, hoh.

Listen, uh, I don't know.

Can you, uh, read
the mall rules?

There's no
skateboards in the mall.

- It doesn't say that.

It says no loitering, and I
didn't see anything that said

No skateboards.

- Hey, don't tell me what I
think you said or saw.

Ok?

- Respect this.
You see this?

You see what that is?

Can you read?
What does it say?

- "security officer."

- Yeah.

- Security enforcement
officer.

S.E.O. Remember
those initials, ok?

- Look at that. See that?

- Yeah. I mean, I just
don't understand--

- Where you going?
- I'm just--

- You don't
understand what, english?

- Uh, buh, buh, buh.

What? Uh, buh, buh.

Uh, buh, buh, buh, buh.

- Buh, buh. Buh, buh.

- Tell your friends,
no loitering.

- They said no loitering.

- Take your crap.
Get out of here.

We don't wan to ever see
you again, all right?

- Pick it up!

You've lost your
mall privileges.

You've lost them. Go!

- Get out.

- Go!

- Get out.
- I'm going.

- That's right.
- Ha!

- Ha ha ha!

Little...

- Ok.

Son of a bitch!

- You're fucking dead!

Yo! Oh, fuck!

You're dead!
- You're dead!

[siren]

- You know what,
prison was fun.

People might not think that,
um, you know, being locked up

In prison for a, you know,
unknown amount of time

Would be fun,
but for me, um, just sort

Of knowing that I had
someplace to go

The next day was fun for me.

And they have a very good
suicide watch program there.

- [people cheering]

- Higher. Higher,
higher, higher!

Higher, higher!

- 1,475, bob.

- Ohh.

Dishwashers aren't
that expensive.

[telephone rings]

That guy's gonna lose.

I told you.

[applause and cheering]

[beep]

- Trudy wiegel, do you recognize
this voice?

It's your old
buddy mike powers.

I know where you are, trudy.

I can see you right now,
petting that stupid cat.

I'm gonna get you.

I'm coming for you
and your frien--

[beep]

[telephone rings]

[beep]

- Uh, hey, trudy,
mike powers again.

I'm coming to kill you
and all your friends.

- That's the guy who put
me in prison.

[siren]

- It's mike powers!

- We're gonna play
a little game.

It's called dig
your own grave.

- Mike, we were just
following orders.

If you're gonna kill
anybody, it's dangle.

- Hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey.

What the fuck?

- [clementine screams]

- Ohh! Ow! Ohh!

Captioning made possible by
mtv networks

Captioned by the national
captioning institute

--Www.Ncicap.Org--

- Hey carl, good to see you.

- What's up, carl?

- Hey, missy.

Is that a new bicycle
you're driving there?

Looking good.

- Lawd, come on,
miss clementine.

Youse knows how to make corn
bread, greens, and chitlins,

Fried chicken, and
a butter pound cake.

- Lawdie, I'm gonna have me
some of them, mmm,

Fine ham bones and chitlins--

- No, you're the white lady.
- Oh.

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