Original subtitles

Ladies, your radio city show is in two days

and you've sold no tickets?

How is that possible?

The reason that we're not selling any tickets, pat,

is because someone got us boycotted by the gray Holland fan army.

That's teens, moms, and gay men. Who is left? Straight men?

Pop music is not for straight men.

- No. - No, no, it isn't.

- But, dawn, the boycott... - Has nothing to do with me.

This is not gray Holland's baby.

Okay, tiktok?

I'm just a boring lady who sat on her husband

after a white lotus. Scott!

Oh, my god.

These are texts exchanged with my wife the morning after conception.

- You're not even in focus! - From dawn.

- I'm picturing it. - Sir, you just...

- You can't just walk up in here like that. - "Not good." Oh! Sorry.

Gray Holland could've cleared the air himself if someone hadn't...

Hadn't done the right thing?

- You want to play the blame game? - I do.

Wickie, you booked us at radio city on Thanksgiving, during a parade!

You're a parade!

Okay, okay.

In tense moments, my tooth smartz manual suggests employing the laugh pivot.

- What are you gonna pivot to? - I don't know, pat!

♪ Gonna be famous 5eva 'cause 4eva's too short ♪

♪ it's too short ♪

♪ gonna be famous 3-gether 'cause that's one more than 2-gether ♪

♪ gonna be famous 5eva 'cause 4eva's too short ♪

♪ so, what are you waiting five? ♪

♪ Girls5eva ♪

All that yelling reminded me of my parents' divorce.

"No, you take him, Craig!"

Well, we've been on tour for six months. I think we're a little sick of each other.

- Your jaw clicks make me wanna choke you. - Why's your mouth always open?

- You're too pretty! - Stop charging your vibrators in the Van.

Why is that gray Holland song your ringtone?

Because it's my chewing.

- Spam risk, you old so-and-so. - This is the IRS...

Hey, guys, listen.

I really think that we can still sell all these tickets. I do.

And my sales training...

- Oh, my god. Enough! - This is not time for tooth smartz.

This is time to show your asshole on onlyfans!

Recipient found.

How did they find me inside?

You know what, summer? Do whatever you want to fix this.

In fact, why don't we all do our own thing for once?

I have had enough of you telling us what the moon is doing!

- Quit pretending you don't know me! - Stop charging your vibrators in the Van!

You know what? Good luck!

See you wangs at sound check!

You pick out a name yet?

No, and I'm recusing myself.

I'm the one who picked "Max" and it's too popular.

Remember when I shouted, "come here, Max!" At the airport

and we brought a different kid to Disneyland?

Some other family took me to France.

If I gave you guys 100 bucks,

would you name the baby ridgewood crematorium?

Looking to get a little buzz for my new business.

The right name is more important than breastfeeding.

"Lesley" set me back years.

- Name one famous Lesley. - Odom Jr.?

- Stop. - Nielsen. Moonves.

Exactly. You can't.

Meanwhile, Shakira started life on third base.

Shakira. She could sell out radio city music hall.

Why not get her to play with you, then she and I could hook up afterwards?

I don't know Shakira,

but who else lives in New York City that could sell tickets?

I could probably get grave digger.

- Who? - Not a "who." What.

Grave digger's a monster truck. I play poker with one of his drivers.

What would it do?

Spins, freestyle, dirt work. Those people, they show up.

The monster truck community is cartoonishly bad with money.

- Can't believe I'm considering this. - Quiet on set!

My life is music...

And I don't do it for the awards or for money.

I do it for both.

Come on. You're still making this documentary?

I'm on lights and snacks.

I'm gonna pay off radio city by using our greatest commodity.

Me.

Billie eilish got 25 million for her doc.

I can wear sweatshirts and have a brother.

And who are you gonna sell this to tomorrow?

I have a pitch at the streamer where summer hosted love is smells.

Fifteen singles finding love, using only smells.

This is love is smells.

Move over, sights, sounds, and hands.

Great.

I guess I'll be the one to fix our problems, like always.

Nick, book grave digger.

Okay, but just to be clear, the driver I know is not Dennis Anderson.

So don't go around telling people we're getting Dennis Anderson.

Girls5eva at radio city.

Hey, you don't wanna see your family on Thanksgiving?

Girls5eva at radio city.

Sir! What are you doing tomorrow?

Do you wanna buy tickets to girls5eva at radio city music hall?

- What is it? - What? Girls5eva.

"G" as in "girls5eva." "I" as in "irls5eva."

- "R" as in "rls5eva..." - All seats available.

Yeah. But we're really, really good.

Doesn't matter. I can't flip these.

Oh, are you like a...?

I'm a secondary-market liaison. It's all legal.

Hey, you seem desperate.

If you want, I can set you up to flip better stuff.

Show you how to pick hot shows, manage a bot army,

and my cut as your mentor would only be 10%.

Or I brush your hair. We'll figure it out.

It's easy money. Fully legal. You could be your own boss.

Easy money, recruiting the desperate,

weird mentors who take a cut...

...being the boss of your own army, saying it's legal too many times...

Did I mention it's legal?

Tickets are tooth smartz.

I know how to sell out radio city!

Oh! Oh!

Hi, hi, hi.

Dawn. Performing tomorrow. I know you're the money guy.

But if we wanted to add someone, or thing, to the bill,

could you update the marquee and the website?

Probably.

Okay. And how much dirt does the stage accommodate?

You know, for dirt work?

I'll check.

Fantastic. Okay.

The hell are you doing?

I'm banking everything on booking grave digger.

- You got Dennis Anderson? - Well, no...

What the hell help is that?

Oh.

Thank you.

- Did you just skoink a rockette? - She works here. I was getting intel.

- Rockette was on your spreadsheet. - It's called multitasking.

Come on.

You have no idea how easy you've got it. It's all mapped out.

Husband, kid one, kid two, wait for death.

I have way more going on than that.

We could get a bird...

But I need to find out if anyone beats Caroline.

Who still wants me, by the way.

I'm still paying for her streamberry account.

She's been watching our favorite show, critter mouth with Dr. Bev.

In spurts of five to seven minutes.

Dentistry, diddling... I'm on the brain, dawn.

Your brain should be on this show!

Ah! Oh, my god! You guys!

I can fix everything. It's all legal.

I just need, like, $40,000.

- What the hell is wrong with you? - Get out of here!

I'm finally ready to admit this, due to bravery.

I didn't grow up poor enough to be interesting,

or rich enough to be a nepo baby, and yet...

I'm still here.

Fighting.

I added avatar to maximize searches.

Very cool.

At streamberry, we love telling women's stories.

That's wonderful to hear, Brad, because...

Wait, where's Brad?

There's been a merger.

I'm a Brad. These two are both Jess.

Look, things have been really tight ever since the merger.

No, no, please buy my doc.

Come on, every female artist has one of these.

Eh... every famous female artist.

I mean, sure, if you were like a j. Lo, a Beyoncé, even a Kate bush.

What a comeback. "Running up that hill."

It's on stranger things, she hits number one.

- Can you do that? - By tomorrow?

I...

Wait, where's new Brad?

Restructuring. It's an exciting time to be in TV.

I'm Jess. These are brads.

- So, what is this? Murder doc? - Murder?

- No, this is... - Sorry. We're only buying murder.

Watching real death is how america relaxes and has fun.

Do you have any true crime? Because, boy, we at...

Sploin plus would eat it up.

Oh, come on.

I am giving you what the French call "sex magique."

But you just want the same old story

about some lonely, middle-aged, white weirdo

who drives a Van and killed a bunch of girls?

Wickie, are you almost done?

I have gymnastics at 4.

Oh, yeah, we'd buy that in a heartbeat.

I got rehired after a wonderful stint at Amazon.

Give me two hours, original Brad.

What do you mean, grave digger's out?

- Honking the anthem at the lions game. - You dodged a bullet.

- You're better than a monster truck. - I don't know that I am.

Well, then fuck my opinion then!

I am so sorry.

I'm just really hormonal from the sympathetic pregnancy.

We're screwed, and I sure as hell don't have $600,000.

Wait, wait, wait. A truck driver reading a seaplane catalog?

He's a teamster.

This is a set. There's gotta be a famous around. I gotta go!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Wait, wait. You're somebody, right?

- What do I know you from? - Everything.

I got an imdb page longer than a wizard's beard.

You're Richard kind!

You're bing bong!

- What are you doing tomorrow? - Why?

My girl group booked radio city, we're making our comeback,

and we haven't sold any tickets because of a variety of reasons.

Whoa, whoa. You got a list of problems longer than a wizard's beard.

I said that already. What else is long?

Cvs receipt?

Cvs receipt. That's funny. Pretend I said that.

Can you do something at our show? I could use someone to move the needle.

No, no, no.

I'm not a needle-mover, and that's by design.

I've spent the past 40 years striking the perfect balance

between constantly working and never getting bugged in a deli.

And another thing...

Why would you say "another thing," then take a big bite?

I mistimed it. You overshot.

Never chase the big time. The big time is bad news.

That's when the fighting starts. People get desperate.

Friends turn on each other.

What you want is the medium time.

Never above number five on the call sheet of life.

That's happiness. Look at me.

I work every day of my life, doing what I love.

Well, not today. Today I had a doctor's appointment.

I'm fine. And then I walk by here, I see this spread,

I put some tissue in my collar, and I pretend like I'm working here.

What is this, anyway?

Euphoria.

Did I guest on this show? Ah, it doesn't matter.

The important thing is...

I don't have time for this. Zendaya!

Maude apatow!

Oh, my gosh, that conversation was longer than a cvs receipt.

That's funny. I just made that up.

What murders?

I didn't do anything!

I know you have a secret, Percy.

Wouldn't it feel good to share it with someone?

Yeah.

Tell your dirty little secret, Percy.

I'm a p.C. Baby!

A what?

My mom got pregnant with me with the stuff that comes before sperm.

Ugh! Is that what p.C. Stands for?

No. No, you can't get pregnant from pre... yes, you can!

It's just enough genetic information

to make what seems like a person, but you can tell it's wrong.

Just stop it! Focus up! Look.

If you didn't kill those girls,

then why do we have you confessing on tape?

- You do? - Hey, ladies.

I have a confession.

I don't have a lot of friends, so I want to say, I love...

Killing... five... girls... Oh, jeez! This is bad.

Look, man.

I can only help you if you talk to me.

- I think I'm starting to remember. - That's right.

- Why aren't you answering your phone? - The police took it.

- Your mouth is worth money! - Summer!

Hi, little baby.

Freaking autoplay. What is this?

Auntie wickie again.

Look, your parents are gonna give you a basic name,

but I'll be there to help you overcome it.

I'll always be there for you,

even if you decide you want to be...

A teacher.

So cute.

Hey, Gloria.

Dawn said you guys would wear this at the show.

I doubt that.

Right. Well-played.

Ciao, Gloria.

Later days, sandrine.

- Is that a cigar mommy? - Yeah.

They're so elusive.

It was for the group. She's a lawyer.

Save the excuses for my sister. I really don't care.

Oh, good, 'cause it was the last one on my spreadsheet.

I have now been with every single kind of woman.

- Four types. - All 178 types.

Yeah, more, if you're gay.

Now I gotta crunch some numbers and see who I should grow old with.

I'm gonna take these over to fallon, see if he'll wear them.

Knock yourself out.

Wow, y'all.

Wow.

My soul mate is...

- Gloria. Oh, my god. You're back. - Caroline.

Before you, I was with no women and 87 men.

And I was so scared to get serious with you again,

'cause I'd always wonder what else was out there.

- Gloria- - shut your perfect mouth.

In the last six months, I've been with every kind of woman.

Female popeye, short peg Bundy, corn-fed xena...

- I know the types. - Well, I did the math.

And in every category...

Cuddling, regarding, gardening, blasting, sense of humor...

Parking, nipple-play, nice to waiters.

- I know the categories... - You were the winner!

I know you miss me.

You've been watching critter mouth in late-night bursts...

What's up with the Thai food, babe?

Dr. Bev?

Huh?

The only woman who ever cleaned a cat's mouth without anesthetic.

My god.

Glad you're a fan, but, uh...

I'm trying to be normal right now with my lady.

- Oh, boy. - Sorry, Gloria.

I had a life too.

Totally get it.

It's just embarrassing because I brought you a gift.

- Oh, no. - Oh, that's so nice.

Fuck you!

Sorry, I only had the one.

Wait a minute.

- I know what you're doing. - This is beneath you.

Here it is. And fuck you too!

Girls5eva to the stage for sound check.

Caroline is with Dr. Bev.

- From critter mouth? You can't compete. - Welcome to onlyfans.

To show your butthole, press one.

- To show your feet... - You guys! I saved the show!

Look who's gonna be on-stage with us.

- Tell them your name. - Leonard kravitz.

Lenny kravitz.

You put that name on the marquee, people buy tickets.

- Find the lie. - I'm a therapist.

She barged into my office. I was with a patient.

Okay. Can you sing?

No, but like the other Lenny,

I have torn my pants such that my penis popped out.

Are you guys crazy? We're not tricking people.

That's insane!

At least I'm trying. What have you done for the group the whole tour?

Oh, strong words. Now let's unpack this.

Hey, get back, kravitz!

I could do things. I can fake our deaths.

I don't have any fox teeth,

but how do you feel about beaks?

Hmm. Do you have any falcons?

Oh, my god, you guys!

Look at us. This sucks.

Richard kind was right.

The guy from everything?

We're fighting, we're desperate, we're miserable.

- All because we went too big. - You sure did.

You've somehow managed to sell zero tickets.

Even conan's night of eagles covers sold seven.

If you don't have the money, we will be pursuing legal avenues.

You know what?

- Just sue me. - What? Gloria, no.

Hear her out.

No, dawn. You're right.

I've been very selfish this whole tour and I have nothing to show for it.

Except a trail of dead animals and something called tennis labia.

So...

- I'll take the fall. - No.

I will.

Sue me.

But make sure your courtroom artist can do black hair.

Wickie, if you're doing this 'cause you think I'm going next, I'm not.

I just don't want you to be on the hook for this.

This is my mess.

And I made a promise to that little baby that I would protect her.

Wickie...

I'm glad your friendship is intact, but that's not how any of this works.

You are all on the hook for... Oh.

You sold some seats since I last looked.

- Actually, you sold... - You guys!

I sold out radio city music hall!

- What? - How?

Tickets are tooth gummies.

Just multilevel marketing.

I created a bot army to buy our most expensive tickets,

and that tricked the other resale bots into thinking this was a very hot show,

and so they started buying tickets. Ha!

- Is this why you needed the 40 grand? - Yes.

- Where did you get the money? - My mouth.

Oh, jeez, you're faster than me. It's on the gray Holland song.

So I chewed for a man at a record company,

he gave me money, and then summer took it.

- Ah! - Not bad for a p.C. Baby, huh?

- A what? - No. We are not getting into that.

I saved the tour.

Come on!

- Oh, my god. - Yay!

Get off me.

Well, congratulations.

You gamed the system, and the bots have driven the prices up

to $4000 a ticket.

What?!

So there's no way any actual humans are coming.

You don't even need to do the show.

Are you kidding? We're still doing the show!

- We are living legends! - Summer's screaming too!

What's up, New York City?

Let's go!

♪ Returnity ♪

♪ this comeback's gonna last forever ♪

♪ returnity ♪

♪ never gonna not UN-comeback now ♪

♪ returnity ♪

♪ always gonna never stop restarting ♪

♪ never gonna end not UN-beginning ♪

♪ don't UN-try to UN-stop us now ♪

♪ every year when my son's school ♪

♪ sends out their class list with parents' names ♪

♪ the first thing I do is Google them ♪

♪ to see what they paid for their apartments ♪

♪ get it, get it off your chest ♪

♪ I don't know what to do with batteries ♪

♪ so I just throw them in the river ♪

♪ I give bigger tips to unattractive people ♪

♪ I only like people who like me but be careful ♪

♪ if you like me too much it has the opposite effect ♪

♪ and I find you desperate ♪

♪ get it, get it off your chest... ♪

What is this?

I bought a $9000 ticket just because it was expensive.

- ♪ I once masturbated in a hospital bed ♪ - ♪ so did I ♪

♪ kick down the doors, no locks I don't need a key ♪

♪ eyes down here yeah, I'm the centerpiece ♪

♪ animal queendom, feline synergy ♪

♪ kicking down the doors big pussy energy ♪

♪ I don't care if you like me swagger that says you just met somebody ♪

♪ confidence boosted by vitamin p kicking down the doors, big pussy energy ♪

♪ in memoriam... ♪

♪ Not making it about me ♪

♪ in memoriam... ♪

♪ Honoring their dignity ♪

- ♪ yeah, yeah, yeah ♪ - ♪ in memoriam ♪

♪ this song is all about them ♪

♪ then shrug it out shrug it out, shrug it out ♪

♪ pop your hip, front dip, jacket zip ♪

♪ hat tip, chef's kiss, doggie wrists ♪

♪ you can't handle this ♪

Oh, yeah, it's the splingee, y'all.

Well...

We have been losing our minds trying to get here.

But yesterday,

I met someone who reminded me to keep it simple.

I don't know about you, but I want to do what I love for a very long time.

This is a new one.

♪ Sometimes I look around ♪

♪ my heart is aching ♪

♪ all the mistakes I keep making ♪

♪ all the roads I've taken ♪

♪ I met a wise man ♪

♪ who came when I needed reminding ♪

♪ that everything you ever need is provided ♪

♪ just be kind and trust that you're trying to grow ♪

♪ grow ♪

♪ good things come slow ♪

♪ not too high ♪

♪ not too low ♪

♪ we're the medium time ♪

♪ staying in the middle is the only way to go ♪

♪ grow ♪

♪ trust time will know ♪

♪ that the middle is the riddle of it all ♪

♪ and the medium time is just fine for now ♪

♪ grow ♪

♪ trust time will know ♪

♪ that the middle is the riddle of it all ♪

♪ and the medium time ♪

♪ is just fine for now ♪

Yeah!

Excellent! Excellent!

Thank you, New York City!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Oh!

Guys, we just played radio city.

Hey, why are my toes wet?

- Oh, my god. Did my water break? - Yes.

Scott, get up here! It's the second baby! It's gonna shoot.

It's gonna just shoot out.

Angus, how do you expect snuggly bear to nap in Dr. Hippo's pajamas?

I'm going to ask mummy to cut your head off.

Richard kind is in this one too? Goddamn, that guy's got a work ethic.

- Look who's home! - Oh, my gosh.

That ain't no pig.

Hi, baby.

Hey, listen.

Don't worry if the mother-daughter bond hasn't kicked in yet.

For me and stevia,

it really wasn't until we started watching below deck together.

- Thank you, summer. - Scott,

I made a couple hundred pounds of Mac and cheese.

It's in your bathtub.

- Oh. - Moment of truth.

What is the dumb name I need to help her overcome?

Her name is Lesley.

Ugh. Hate it. Basic. Already forgotten.

Wait. After who?

What, Lesley stahl?

No.

After you, wickie.

Little Lee-Lee?

Hi, little Lee-Lee!

Nobody ever hurt her!

Looks like a tawny to me. But yeah, sure, why not?

This!

My girls!

My normie!

Now I'm an auntie.

You know, this might be all I need.

Oh, god. Maybe we don't need to chase fame so hard.

Maybe happiness isn't in the big time.

- It's in the medium time. - Yes.

That's what my song is about. You're quoting it.

Shut the fuck up. I hear myself singing somewhere.

♪ Yesternights ♪

Prince Andrew is stuck in the fluff-side down.

- It's his preferred world. - Turn that song up.

We need to keep him tethered to reality.

♪ Yesternights ♪

♪ of nights... ♪

"Yesternights" is in the finale of the crown.

My god. You're gonna Kate bush.

♪ Yesternights ♪

- It's Nance trace. - Oh, my gosh.

- Wickie Roy's office. - I know it's you, wickie.

Sony wants you to do a song for their female Garfield movie.

I'm still a package deal, Nance.

Girls5eva or nothing.

Well, that's stupid, but you've got the heat.

What about the medium time? I thought you agreed with my song.

Wickie. Come on, are we doing this?

Nance?

The answer is...

♪ Get it, get it off your chest ♪

♪ I count anxiety dreams as working out ♪

♪ and I can't count the number of times I called my Alexa a cunt ♪

♪ neither can we ♪

♪ there's a type of euphoria ♪

♪ that can only be reached by ♪

♪ dragging a foot with athlete's foot ♪

♪ vigorously across a carpet ♪

♪ I'd like to think I'm a hero ♪

♪ but I bet when the apocalypse comes ♪

♪ I'll be one of those losers ♪

♪ who needs to be dragged around on a sled ♪

♪ sometimes when I'm driving I close my eyes ♪

♪ and count to five just to see what happens ♪

♪ get it, get it off your chest ♪

- ♪ okay, here's a genuine question ♪ - ♪ get it, get it off your chest ♪

♪ are all people with red hair and freckles ♪

♪ morning people? ♪

♪ Because I swear I've never seen one at night ♪

- ♪ show me a redhead at night! ♪ - ♪ is it bad ♪

♪ that some of the best times I've had with my son ♪

♪ are when he has a little fever? ♪

- ♪ He's so calm and cuddly ♪ - ♪ it's a little bad ♪

♪ I lived in Usher's guesthouse for two years ♪

♪ he never knew! Ha! ♪