Original subtitles

To our hustle!

Ah!

This is how I was meant to travel.

Private, high emissions...

We blazed through the airport. Zero security.

I stuffed a bunch of Teddy bears with baking soda

just to see if they'd catch it.

They didn't. Ah!

- Rock 'n' roll! - There are no rules for the rich!

Oh, dawnie, please don't ruin this for us.

Yeah, no big moral stands about playing our old songs.

I'm not gonna say anything.

This is just a rich lady's birthday party. Everybody does these and for worse people.

Beyoncé performed for the gaddafis, Usher performed for the gaddafis,

bon jovi performed for the gaddafis.

Time wipe, four minutes later,

the gaddafi examples finally wrap up with Nelly furtado.

I'm not gonna screw up this gig. It's 30 grand.

Yeah, and we need every single cent for radio city.

We need costumes, dancers, professional hmu

because two of us are straight-up roadkill without makeup on.

You know what? This might be real cocaine in this one.

Because back in the day,

Stephen dorff did give me a Teddy bear for Valentine's day.

Am I talking like twice as loud as I should be?

Yeah, I'll be fine, even though our old music was pretty toxic.

♪ Second wife is the best life ♪

♪ ooh, my stepson is hot ♪

You know what? If this money supports our real art, I'm good.

Bob Dylan did Victoria's secret,

ozzy Osbourne did I can't believe it's not butter!

Time wipe, she ends with Matt Damon for crypto.

I wanna do a list too. It's alphabetical dogs.

Affenpinscher, Afghan, airedale...

♪ Gonna be famous 5eva 'cause 4eva's too short ♪

♪ it's too short ♪

♪ gonna be famous 3-gether 'cause that's one more than 2-gether ♪

♪ gonna be famous 5eva 'cause 4eva's too short ♪

♪ so, what are you waiting five? ♪

♪ Girls5eva ♪

...weimaraner, yorkie-poo, Yorkshire terrier,

- yugoslavian hound, and zebra dog! - Nailed it!

Ooh. This place is nice.

This looks like a Taylor swift video!

- Girls5eva! - Hi!

I'm Danny, Taffy's assistant, best friend, and food surrogate.

She is so excited you're playing her party.

- So are we! - So are we.

- Okay. - Oh, my god, it's amazing.

Apple is serving me an album of "lunch lord memories."

- Oh, I miss my normie. - You two are cute together.

- Yeah. - Is that sheawn's son?

Oh, maybe.

Girls5eva!

Oh, my god! Oh, my god!

- I'm Taffy england! - Oh, hi!

Ooh, your stairs have curves.

- Wow. - And look at all your jewelry.

Oh, birthday, birthday, anniversary, fight, Christmas, Christmas fight,

dog mother's day, dog died, car accident,

birthday, birthday, wasn't pregnant, new dog,

felt ignored at a buccaneers game,

- juneteenth, birthday... - Um.

What do you think juneteenth is?

The start of summer. Whoo!

- Hey, Taffy. - Mm-hm?

When I do baskets at the party, how many do you want?

Should I do your age? Would that be cute?

So cute, Rebecca lobo.

Is that really Rebecca lobo?

Because when I do coke, I always see Rebecca lobo.

- Wait, we're not the only ones performing? - Nope.

You guys are gonna die,

because the theme of my birthday party is:

"My posters come to life!"

Every poster I had on my teenage bedroom wall, it's here,

brought to life by money.

Rebecca lobo, you guys,

a real monet, Zeke from California high.

Oh, Zeke was so cool.

Christ. Who melted Zeke?

He was in his 50s when they shot that show.

Oh, my gosh! Pixie Jones is gonna be here?

She was my absolute favorite guest on summer & kev's variety hour.

♪ What if the world was round ♪

♪ and love made a sound? ♪

♪ And what if the trees could vote? ♪

♪ Would we still turn them into boats? ♪

- I love this party. - Me too!

But can I be secret?

I'm most excited that you guys are here.

Seriously, I used to stare up at your guys' poster...

Rip Ashley, by the way.

...and pretend I was in girls5eva.

Like, I know all the choreo.

Yes!

- Yes, yes, yes. - Oh, wait, and the boobs.

Oh, yeah. Drop it.

By the power of grayskull!

Torque.

Amazing, right?

I was so bummed when you two broke up.

It was actually just a publicity relationship

because his wife he met in high school was boring.

We never got to be alone together, even though I did develop feelings.

Torque was so hot.

I wonder what he looks like now.

- Oh, my... - That's actually him.

Why was he so still?

This could be trouble.

You know you guys were my first concert, right?

You were on the bill for the Disney summer spectacular

hosted by jar jar binks and bill cosby.

- Oh, yeah. - Fun memory.

'Cause backstage, Fred durst and kid rock realized

you could fill super soakers with liquid shit.

Yeah.

- Can I talk to you for a sec? - I'm gonna go over here now.

Dude, your vibe sucks.

- I might know someone with some coke. - Okay.

Listen, just let it all out, so you act normal.

Just tell me what you're burying.

I'm sorry I'm not feeling nostalgic about the 2000s.

I'm embarrassed, okay?

There was a countdown clock to when we became legal,

and yet there wasn't one for Frankie muniz.

- Did you want one, you creep? - No.

- I'm just proud we're finally artists now. - Don't say "artists."

We've honed our craft.

- Or "craft." - I'm just not interested in looking back.

I think the best move here is you don't talk to Taffy at all.

Okay, I won't.

Thank you.

I need a vodka orbitz, extra weird little balls.

Oh, god.

Hey, girl.

Torque.

We haven't seen each other since our publicists broke us up

to promote snackwell's cookies for one.

How's purse holder?

What was her name, your wife?

I don't know. We weren't into labels.

But we're done.

We couldn't handle being long distance when I shot step up in space...

In space.

- ♪ Step up in space ♪ - ♪ space, space ♪

♪ searching for the best dancer in the universe ♪

Your move, Mars.

So...

You're single?

- Mm-hm. - Hmm.

You wanna know something, like, kind of embarrassing?

It's about you.

If it's about the time I puked at benihana and it started cooking,

and the guy tried to flip it into his hat, then no.

I know we weren't a legit couple...

But I always wondered what it would have been like if we were.

I gotta go do a Mike check.

'Cause my friend Mike is having a really hard time right now.

Then I gotta do a mic check.

Then maybe you and I can have some alone time for real?

Mm.

We'll see, kitty cat.

- Surprise! - What the hell?

Hi!

Oh, pretty bird, you look so good!

Pixie, it's me, your old friend summer.

Oh, I know. I wear pants now.

You think we're friends? You ruined my song!

♪ And what if god had a daughter? ♪

♪ Ah-Scooby a-Scooby-dooby-dooby ♪

♪ skee-ba-da-ba la-la, la-Lee-la... ♪

♪ Shoney's and shoney's and shrimpfest is back ♪

Why did you start scatting?

I don't know, I was just really, like, into the music.

I was feeling the vibe. You were scatting too.

Because you pointed at me and shouted, "now you scat!"

Now you scat!

♪ Scattered, smothered ♪

♪ chunked, peppered, diced, and covered ♪

♪ that's how I want my potatoes ♪

That song was supposed to be my next single, but it became a joke.

But jokes are so fun.

Like Mrs. Maisel.

That lady is not even Jewish, and neither is Tony shalhoub.

Thanks to you, my label didn't even release

"what if the world was round?"

Oh!

Frank caliendo played me on mad TV.

Oh, pixie.

Oh, dawn. Hey, girl, hey!

Can you do "sweet'n low daddy"?

It is my favorite song from the heartbreakers soundtrack.

♪ We're looking for a sweet'n low daddy ♪

♪ a love that's artificial but his wallet makes us happy, happy ♪

- ♪ but real talk ♪ - ♪ real talk ♪

♪ when are you gonna die? ♪

♪ When are you gonna die?! ♪

Please? Pretty, pretty please?

Look, I had your costumes made.

Remember this little lady?

Thank you. You are my best friend. I would die for you.

Oh, crandall, baby, come here.

Do you wanna meet dawn from girls5eva?

No way, fuck you!

Not you, babe, work.

Love you.

Hi, dawn.

Nah, just tell them you found the bones somewhere else.

That's it, that's it.

Yes, we'll get this construction going.

Gloria, get up.

Ah!

I am so jetlagged.

We didn't change time zones. You crashed from the coke.

I can't leave my mouth locked.

Taffy married a sweet'n low daddy and it's our fault.

I am gonna put you in a goddamn bag.

Our old shitty songs wormed into her squishy teen brain

and made her want this:

That's hilarious.

When's the funeral?

I love it.

- What else you got in there? - Oh, sweetie, for you...

We didn't invent the idea of a sugar daddy.

Women have always traded puss for boots.

Puss for boots!

We found the clever one.

- Danny's fun. I'm going with him. - Oh, my god.

- Party, Danny? - Hmm. Let's do it.

- Oh, my god. - Dawn!

Torque is giving me a massive home alone doorknob.

- A what? - You know in home alone?

When Kevin heats up that doorknob until it's glowing red-hot?

I have that for torque.

Ugh. Don't use a Christmas movie like that.

But, wow, you've been with the lunch lord for what, like four months?

- This is a record for you, wickie. - Excuse me?

Well, no offense, but usually, you just kind of do whatever you want

- and not think about anybody else. - Receipts!

You were in love with bell until biv was interested,

and then you ditched biv as soon as devoe came calling.

Oh, she gonna pork torque?

She's at the part where she's pretending she doesn't know what to do.

I'm not pretending. This is serious.

This time I'm really not sure what to do!

Oh! Forget you.

Oh, god. Who can I talk to about this?

Who will listen and treat me like a person?

Oh.

This might be awkward.

Dawnie, pixie did not like how I sang her song.

Oh. When you scatted?

Did you not like it either?

Don't feel bad, sum. We all took regrettable swings back then.

Shabba!

This is rap dance.

Rap dance is like this:

Bam! Bam!

And: Bam! Bam!

But... I can't have pixie hate me.

I'm summer.

Being hated is a part of being a grownup.

You just have to suck it up and deal, summer.

No, I have to figure out a way to fix this

and make up for what I did to her back then.

Is the hgh working, baby?

Same, girl, same.

Okay, I have a problem, and you take me seriously.

Torque is here,

and I have a home alone doorknob for him.

Okay.

A little weird you calling me,

but I did say you could always tell me anything.

So I guess I appreciate your honesty.

And I know you two have history, and he's gorgeous.

He is, right?

I'm sorry.

Well, end of the day, I'd probably forgive you.

I'd be sad.

I'd cry, and listen to Annie Lennox in the tub,

and tell everybody I'm fine.

But inside of me... I'm dying.

You'd forgive me?

Okay, bye!

Taffy asked me to do a big introduction for her,

but she can't hear me behind these doors,

and I'm leaving in three months to be a cruise prostitute, so...

Taffy england!

I'm 37!

Brava! You look super krunk, Taffy.

It's the iconic catsuit from the video!

From weird al's "oops, I farted again" parody.

Couldn't get Britney's.

Speaking of great stories, tell me about crandall.

- Is this your house he moved into, or...? - Or.

Crandall's the super rich one. I think from real estate.

He owns a baseball team with a name that honors a group's heritage.

And you guys met...?

At a swarovski.

I was working, and he came in looking for a gift for his wife.

He described her, and she sounded like she sucked,

and I was like, "you can do so much better," and he did.

Mm.

♪ Your wife sucks we're better than her ♪

♪ never met her once ♪

♪ but, but we're better than her ♪

Um... - Taffy... - Mm?

...you seem super smart.

Yeah, it was my idea to kill the egrets so we could build a pickleball court.

Look, hey, I am proof that it's never too late to follow your dreams.

So tell me, what did you wanna be when you were younger?

Did you ever want more for yourself?

More? What more could I want?

I have the most.

I throw amazing parties and I've been to every country with a nordstrom.

No, sorry, sorry.

I just thought maybe you might have had dreams of cutting hair or something.

The hair I get comes pre-cut, so that doesn't even make any sense.

And I didn't pay you to, like, come here and judge my life.

- No, no, no. - You know what?

Maybe I'm misremembering. Maybe I never had a girls5eva poster.

No, no. Yes, you did.

Rebecca lobo can just do more baskets.

Wait, how many more?

An artist prepares!

What did you do?

Nothing.

She just changed her mind and now she hates posters.

You said something, didn't you?

Oh, you are so lucky that I am riding the dopamine serpent,

and the only thing in the world I want right now is to be the hero and fix this!

Please welcome the cast of bring it on,

except for Kirsten Dunst and Gabrielle union!

Bring it on! Bring it on!

- Taffy, wait! - What?

You wanna judge me too? Just 'cause I married a rich oldie

and take an als drug 'cause one of the side effects is Fuller lashes?

Nah, I'm cool.

Look, don't worry about dawn.

We all hate that bitch.

I'm lying. You're my sister.

I don't want her performing at my party.

What if she didn't? What if you did her part instead?

Come on, you said you know the choreo.

What?

You want me to be in girls5eva tonight? Really?

Oh, my god, yes! Yes!

So this fixes everything.

You could be up onstage, you could be doing your thing,

and the lady you're mad at isn't up there ruining it. Blam-o!

I know how to get pixie to like me again.

Hey, Taffy. Could I borrow you for a sec?

Oh, hi. No, no, no!

Taffy, you have to let pixie sing "what if the world was round?" Tonight.

That song with all the scatting?

- There's not supposed to be any in it! - No, that was all me.

Pixie deserves to sing her beautiful song

the way that she wrote it, and I promise you,

I am gonna keep my mouth shut.

Starting...

Now.

Sure. Why not? I'm happy again.

Man, you're still gorgeous, sexy.

Meow, meow.

Pretty kitty.

Let me look at you.

Two can play at that game.

♪ Something is glowing ♪

♪ oh, no, is it showing? ♪

♪ Got a home alone doorknob ♪

♪ ooh, yeah, yes ♪

- ♪ it's gonna get sexy ♪ - ♪ sexy ♪

♪ so watch out, Joe pesci ♪

♪ got a home alone doorknob ♪

What is happening to me?

I feel sick,

like Kevin when he's home alone for the first time

and he eats all that ice cream.

Wait.

Who's Kevin?

♪ What if the world was round ♪

♪ from shore to shore? ♪

♪ What if bullets were kisses? ♪

♪ Would there even be war...? ♪

She looks so happy.

But I don't know,

does it feel like maybe it's missing something?

- Summer, no. Do not. - I...

I just feel, dawn, like it might be a little bit better...

- I know what you're thinking. It won't. - It's begging for it!

You've gotta let me scat!

♪ Scooby, Scooby-doo, not scrappy ♪

♪ Brian boitano ♪

What the dick are you doing?

♪ Jazzy, jazzy, jazzy ♪

That's it. I quit music.

♪ Hey, Kelly and Ryan ♪

Damn it, summer.

Dawn! Guess I'm you tonight. Ah!

Cool. Well, have fun.

- I'm happy to sit this one out. - Why?

Um...

You know, I'm not really a big fan of our early stuff.

I don't love the messages,

and I'd feel bad if they became like a life road map

for some impressionable young girls.

- Are you talking about me? - Taffy...

Taffy, I'm so sorry.

I feel terrible that I made you.

But I've moved past it and you can too.

- Inside every woman is a cape... - You think you made me?

You wanna know why girls5eva is here?

Because we're your heroes?

No.

Because you made me feel like I felt back when I had your poster on my wall,

back before I found out my dad had a second family

and I lit all those fires, and my mom got blamed,

and we lost the apartment,

and I had to drop out of school and dig graves behind the vet's office.

Okay.

That's what people love about nostalgia, dumb-dumb.

Makes them feel like they did when life was easy. You know?

Probably because you didn't know any better. But for me?

Listening to girls5eva is like, you know, smelling dunkaroos, okay?

So get over yourself and let me enjoy my party.

Yep. Okay.

- Happy birthday. - You're doing the same thing, by the way.

- Excuse me? - Come on.

Back with your girl group from 20 years ago?

You think you're too good for "sweet'n low daddy"

or "I'm a guy's girl, parentheses, girls r crazy,"

but there's something you miss about it too, so...

Are you a chameleon on a stop sign? 'Cause you just got read.

♪ Doggy feet are just paws ♪

Yay!

- Oh, thank you. - That sucked!

Why did you do that?

Oh!

Not cool, monkey from friends!

Oh, my gosh.

No one likes what I did?

Except I do.

That was my opinion.

Like, not kev's, not Randy's,

not my teenage Bible with the Jesus that surfs.

I just got it from me.

Maybe there is a "me" inside me.

You've shown a lot of growth, summer.

♪ How many times do I have to try to tell you? ♪

♪ These are the questions... ♪

- Lunch lord. - Oh, come on.

You're calling me right after?

Fine. How was it?

There was no it.

It was like you stopped me, but you're hundreds of miles away.

How did you do that? Are you a witch?

I'm not a witch.

But is it possible that you...?

Thought about you being sad and it made me sad.

Like Kevin when he missed his family.

Even buzz.

And that's a new feeling for you?

Are you nodding and thinking I can see it?

Wow. Wickie, you're like a starter person.

But I'm proud of you.

I love you.

I love you too.

And just so we're clear, if you ever have sex with anyone else,

I will hunt down everything you love and kill it in front of you.

No, you hang up first. No...

And now girls5eva minus dawn, but with Taffy england!

Can you see me?

Baby, I'm so sparkly!

I am glad to be back here with you guys.

Okay.

♪ Bills are piling up don't wanna work for nothing ♪

♪ wanna find myself a daddy to get me all my somethings ♪

♪ put on my camo 'kini because we're going daddy hunting... ♪

Oh, this song brings me back.

We used to play the heartbreakers soundtrack

in the locker room after a win.

Must bring you back too.

No, not really.

I mean, I remember singing it at Wembley.

I was 19.

O-town opened for us.

God, I was fearless!

I didn't know it'd all be gone in a matter of months.

But life happens.

You know, you grow up, nobody thinks you're special anymore.

Somebody calls you a cunt at the Duane reade. Stuff like that.

That was a longer reply than I expected.

God, Taffy's right. I do miss something.

I miss her.

And when I'm onstage, I feel like her again...

And I like it.

Then get up there. I won't judge you.

Go! Get up there!

Okay. I don't like this song, but I want in!

♪ Won't lift a finger it's too heavy with diamonds ♪

♪ bat our eyelashes until we get a private island ♪

♪ never have to meet his parents ♪

♪ 'cause they died during Nixon ♪

♪ died during Nixon, yeah! ♪

♪ Ten men by the pool sipping coco rummies ♪

♪ our tummies, hip, no thighs and all them rich daddy dummies ♪

♪ time to bag ourselves a daddy ♪

♪ to buy me so much money ♪

♪ yeah, yeah, yeah yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ our true love is Benjamin ♪

♪ last name, Franklin ♪

♪ would marry a daddy as old as him ♪

♪ if he caters to my every whim ♪

♪ we're looking for a sweet'n low daddy ♪

♪ a love that's artificial ♪

♪ but his wallet makes us happy, happy ♪

♪ where's that diners club? ♪

♪ We want a tiger cub ♪

♪ don't need to graduate ♪

♪ 'cause we're elder bait ♪

- ♪ but real talk ♪ - ♪ real talk ♪

♪ when are you gonna die? ♪

♪ When are you gonna die?! ♪

♪ Won't lift a finger it's too heavy with diamonds ♪

♪ bat our eyelashes until we get a private island ♪

♪ never have to meet his parents ♪

♪ 'cause they died during Nixon ♪

♪ died during Nixon, yeah! ♪

♪ 'Cause we're that type of girls who only want one thing ♪

♪ what's that one thing? ♪

♪ It's infinity things, bling, bling! ♪

♪ 'Cause we're looking for a sweet'n low daddy ♪

♪ a love that's artificial ♪

♪ but his wallet makes us happy, happy ♪