Original subtitles

Okay, you're on.

I lived a hardscrabble life.

Nothing was ever handed to me.

Most things were thrown.

Who is gagging?

I'm sorry.

I get nauseous when I read in the car.

Read what? You're driving.

Road signs count. What does that say? State route...

West... okay, someone needs to be reading these to me.

- That green one says... - No!

- No, don't help him. - He has to learn.

Please, Percy. You're interrupting our awards-eligible tour documentary.

My childhood was... Damn it, Percy!

No, it's me.

Sorry for being pregnant.

Wait. How many weeks has it been since the white lotus finale?

- Twelve. - Ooh.

I can find out the sex.

Not that I care. The baby's room will be gray either way.

- Okay, quiet on set. - Yeah, mine.

Attention, queers of the ozarks.

Her royal thiccness is gonna be at the music hole tonight.

Groupies welcome.

Just call me ho spice.

But don't write it down because it looks like "hospice." Ah!

Come on, you really think you're gonna be swimming in it in bomont,

as seen in the motion picture footloose?

That explains why there's zero interest on bumpr.

No, wait, there's a lady. She's moving fast.

Oh, she's on a plane.

It's a damn boob desert!

- What is that a play on? - "Food desert." Keep up, dawn.

Jesus, Percy, yield!

I said I'm not reading signs!

♪ Gonna be famous 5eva 'cause 4eva's too short ♪

♪ it's too short ♪

♪ gonna be famous 3-gether 'cause that's one more than 2-gether ♪

♪ gonna be famous 5eva 'cause 4eva's too short ♪

♪ so, what are you waiting five? ♪

♪ Girls5eva ♪

Yes! Found an ob who takes my viper insurance.

That's one past cobra, where you're still on your grandparents' plan.

- Okay, how about this one? - Ho, ho!

Like easter bunny's trophy wife.

J'approve.

Okay, so for tonight's fit, I know you want to use the boots, so...

Summer?

Hey, kev, um, sing yourself hold music.

Copy, ex-babe.

♪ Doo-doo-doo ♪

- ♪ - doobie brothers, yeah! - Doo-doo... ♪

Are you asking your ex-husband to approve what you wear?

Kev has great taste.

- His pants always match his car. - I don't know.

This just seems like a step backwards.

Oh, like the moonwalk?

Ha! That's the greatest dance move ever.

Nice insult, dawn.

How are you supposed to move on and be your own person

if kev is picking out your clothes every day?

♪ Doobie brothers, yeah! ♪

Huh. Maybe I've been afraid to completely let go.

And find out...

Who is summer without kev.

Sorry, ex-babe. No more fit checks.

Your funeral.

- Yes! - Stevia stole my khaki-colored car.

And I can't go find her 'cause she took my other colored pants.

Everything's looking good.

Your baby's the size of a kumquat, or a full-grown mouse.

Sorry, some people don't know what a kumquat is.

Hey, so I've been watching the new the crown,

and prince Philip is straight up American-uncle-level racist.

Can the baby hear that?

It sure can.

And it understands everything because it's still part angel.

Sorry, who's this?

Since roe got overturned,

state law now requires a fetal citizen advocate

to be present at all prenatal appointments.

I'm just here to give a voice to the voiceless.

Keep me safe, mama.

- Um, are you a doctor? - Better.

I'm a state senator.

Chuck Dennis. And my qualifications are remembering my own conception.

That is not possible.

There was incredible speed and a series of wet tubes.

I remember a kind of distant, muffled: "Womp-womp."

Which I later learned were the opening credits to dynasty.

Let's take a look at your chart.

Okay.

Um, hi. Is this weird?

Very. Me alone in a room with two strange women?

That's why my wife is here. Show yourself, modor.

That's old English for "mother."

Okay, you said you wanted to know the sex?

Let's take a look.

You are having a... Oh, no, no, no! No looks.

No looks. You're doing photos of a naked child.

- That's a pizzagate! That's a pizzagate. - Oh, my god.

So...

A state senator was just in the checkup?

What did you do?

Nothing, right? Knowing you.

I wish I kicked him out.

I did that dumb '90s thing where I just laughed.

Like when Craig kilborn put my foot in his mouth. On air.

Same when Kurt loder called me the r-word.

But then, I did this.

♪ Get out of my mind ♪

♪ get out of my life ♪

♪ I just wanna Chuck Chuck ♪

♪ Chuck, Chuck ♪

You wanna what?

Chuck Chuck.

Like Chuck, like "throw away." I wanna Chuck Chuck!

Sounds like he's your ex

and you are trying to get him out of your mind.

Why's your sweatshirt moving?

- Found a squirrel that needs skin-to-skin. - There's a squirrel in there?

We're in a boob desert, dawn.

So I'm leaning into my other passion: Animal rescue.

This is the first of 20 shows

girls5eva has booked throughout the midwest and southeast.

Boy, it's hard to believe I'm even here, given the start I had in life.

One day there will be a biopic, and, yes,

of course I will play myself.

From birth... Goo-goo, ga-ga.

...to death.

I think there's a bomb on the yacht!

Meet the new me!

And cut, Percy.

Wow, okay.

This is summer without kev.

Oh, my gosh, you guys.

You are going to love Randy.

Who? Did you meet somebody?

- Already? - Yeah.

He's just giving his mustang a wipe-down.

So there's zero talent for me, but you've already found a boyfriend.

That is just lovely.

Ah-ah! Don't latch.

- Hola, 5evas. - Oh!

- Randy's in the house. - Sure, why not?

You know what? Oh, my god, baby. Ooh!

We met in the lobby right after we were talking.

We bonded over our shared love of bow-hunting and home-brewing, and...

- What's that other thing that we love? - The witcher.

Yes, king. We love the witcher.

Oh, god. Oh, you guys.

Summer without kev is Randy.

Thanks, dawn!

Okay. I guess, let's sound-check.

What is that?

Is that a victorian porcelain doll?

Oh, no. Modor.

- Ms. Solano. - Senator, what are you doing here?

I was checking on some of my patients,

making sure they were being good baby hosts,

and I found this.

Is this supposed to be about me?

Are you in love with me?

Because I am married.

Happily. Lookie here.

Well, Chuck, no, I'm not in love with you.

I'm actually very...

In love with Chuck woolery. That's dawn's ex.

She's still obsessed with him. It's sick. She kidnapped his dog.

I get it.

He is a great man.

Well, I am so sorry to have interrupted you ladies.

So, what exactly are you serving up tonight?

Plate-spinning, adult-tumbling, mother-of-the-bride fashion show?

We're pop singers.

It's mostly John cougar mellencamp covers, that sort of thing.

- What? - Sounds like a hoot!

Thanks for stopping by.

- Okay? - Check, check.

♪ Got that big pussy energy ♪

My ps are popping. Pussy!

- Let me test. Pussy! Pussy! Pussy! - Pussy. Pussy.

- Positively. Pop, popping pussy. - Hey, stop.

Hang on. This is your all's act?

Well, like our birds after the derailment, that's not gonna fly.

Hand me the...

Good gracious, this set list.

"Big 'p-word' energy"?

"A gay anthem by hospice"?

It's ho spice.

- It should never be written down. - Even worse.

Girls, this isn't decatur, Georgia.

You're telling me.

Bumpr is now just sending me soft-faced men.

Gals, I'm not sure you're being entirely honest with me.

I suggest you stick to your cougar covers.

Well, senator, you're not the boss of what we sing.

I think he is.

Ten-thousand-dollar watch,

the calluses of a chronic golfer, and that photo.

- Oh, my gosh. - Are you with the shining?

Ooh, close.

That's my granddaddy, Charles sr. Sr.

My family bought this place in the '60s

to keep it from becoming a filthy pool hall.

It was an overreaction to seeing the music man.

- Oh. - But today we own...

Oh, hey. That one right there. Yep.

The sound barrel, that's us.

- You're tickling my back tummy. - Entertainment trough, that's us too.

And of course we own every tune cave in the southeast and the midwest.

- I love our new friend. - We own all those, except for radio city.

I'll let that sink in.

So...

Cougar covers! Wonderful.

♪ Small town, unneutered dogs ♪

♪ remembering high school ♪

- Cougar, we love it! - Yes!

My king loves it. We love it.

I can't believe you didn't back me up.

I can't believe you almost blew our next 20 shows.

What if we just tone down our lyrics?

I used to do clean kidz club versions of n.W.A.

♪ Ducks are mean geese coming straight for the campground ♪

♪ their heads are bigger and their beaks do frowns ♪

♪ ducks are mean geese! ♪

Of course you'd be cool to change our whole show.

- What's that supposed to mean? - You know what's better than cougar?

Ska. Do you have huge suits?

Oh, my god. That is such a great idea, king.

See? You just go along with whatever a guy tells you.

- Why is he even here? - I got this one, queen.

The ancient stone turquoise...

- Get the fuck out of here, Randy! - I hate your friends.

You guys, what are you doing?

He is, like, my everything.

Summer, you are a relationship chameleon.

You were a carbon copy of kev, now you're a carbon copy of Randy.

- You're glomming. - I do not glom.

You're glomming, Jerry! You're a glommer!

You don't even dress yourself.

Oh! I have dressed myself.

Wait.

Wait.

Wait, wait.

Oh, my god.

I haven't.

Ever.

- What? - Not possible.

No, you guys, my dad used to dress me like a Christian doll.

Larry dressed me like a horny virgin. And then kev...

Maybe it's time for you to just be yourself.

Myself?

Who even is myself?

- Hey, queen. - Hey, king.

No! Damn it!

That's a bummer.

You're being the same amount bummer, wickie.

You wanna let Chuck Dennis tell us what to do.

Yeah, for money.

How can you even put a price on having our voices heard?

Oh, stop the charadé.

When have you ever actually stood up for anything?

I watched you try and donate to the aclu,

but then give up when the site didn't recognize your credit card.

My wallet was in different jeans.

Fine. I'm not perfect, but I don't want to cave to that guy.

Gloria, don't you want to sing your "gay anthem"?

To what gays? It's a boob desert.

Now Warren is gonna die because he can't take a shit.

Gloria.

- He needs a laxative. - Dawn,

you've gotta play nice with the suits who control the money.

Whether it's Chuck Dennis, label reps,

the ad execs when I was briefly the face of spaghetti for her.

Finally, a one-inch-shorter spaghetti

that's designed for a woman's throat, stomach, and intestines.

Thanks, barilla.

Now I can eat spaghetti.

Or the upn suits when I was hot wife 2

on wazzzup: The sitcom.

- Wazzzup! - Wazzzup!

I'll tell you what's "wazzzup."

The car still isn't fixed, Corey.

I just... I feel like a coward.

Wickie, I'm having a girl.

That's a pizzagate. So...

You're having a girl, Ms. Solano.

A girl?

Oh, joy.

She's having a modor.

Congratulations, host.

Oh!

Is she gonna hate me

'cause I didn't stand up to the Chucks of the world?

Oh, honey.

She's gonna hate you regardless.

All girls do.

Hey. Okay, listen.

When you're on your way up and somebody does you wrong,

you just give them a long, hard stare...

And bank the memory.

Then when you have power, you remember.

My bank is full:

Dreamgirls casting director.

Criss angel for using magic to end the relationship.

The all-white hair and makeup department at wazzzup: The sitcom.

When I finally get my due, they will get theirs.

So just bank Chuck Dennis so you don't gut our tour.

I promise, we will humiliate him at the grammys.

For now, we just need to suck it up and survive.

So please join me in the real world.

Let's get that again, Percy, but with more emotion.

Can you make me cry?

Uh, once, a sperm bank had me just do it into the trash can.

Thank you, Percy.

♪ Is there a me? ♪

♪ Or is me just guys? ♪

♪ Do I have any middle ♪

♪ that's my own inside? ♪

♪ Do I even like the witcher ♪

♪ or is it just to please a mister? ♪

♪ And what even is the witcher? ♪

♪ I watched 40 minutes ♪

♪ and I'm still not sure! ♪

♪ Is there a me? ♪

♪ Or is me just guys? ♪

♪ Are they the reason why ♪

♪ I always keep my mouth a little open? ♪

♪ Let the man show film me in slow-motion ♪

♪ sleep with all my makeup on ♪

♪ and are they why I eat wings ♪

♪ like this? ♪

♪ Oh! ♪

Ma'am! Give me all your tiny sewing kits. I need all of them.

Thank you. Thank you so much.

More. Thank you! Thank you.

Thank you!

♪ Sensitive boy ♪

- -♪ I am just a sensitive boy ♪ - oh, my god. You're so hot.

Oh, shite.

Hey! You aren't by chance...

- That was quick. - ...Using that ketchup, are you?

I need the separated ketchup water for a sick squirrel.

It's a natural laxative.

Oh. Uh... uh, sure thing, little mama.

Wherever you are, you can always count on a macaroni rascal's.

Tell me about it. Especially when you're always on the road.

I'm a trucker.

Hmm.

And when every day's different,

it's nice to come somewhere that's always the same.

It's, uh... it's comforting.

Well, I could use some comfort.

See, I'm a musician.

You wouldn't understand. It's dream stuff.

But I was just really hoping

that my community would show up for me tonight.

But we're in a boob desert.

Well, I trucked 60 miles out of my way to get this spaghetti à la pasta.

You know? So maybe don't give up hope just yet.

People go a long way if it matters to them.

Right. I, uh... I gotta hit the road and deliver...

Like, a million chairs.

Oh!

Oh, my god, you're gray Holland.

Oh, my god.

Gray Holland!

Oh, my god.

Have you not shit yet still?

♪ It's hard to know when to speak up ♪

♪ so that anyone will hear ♪

- -♪ to be bold ♪ - ♪ to be bold ♪

- ♪ or push it down ♪ - ♪ or push it down ♪

♪ 'cause what's next just isn't clear ♪

♪ but I want you to know ♪

♪ the time to rise up is ♪

♪ later! ♪

♪ Later! ♪

♪ Now's not the right time let's aim for next year ♪

♪ we'll have no fear and maybe by then ♪

♪ the problems got solved by themselves or on their own ♪

♪ there's a young boy in a factory ♪

♪ sweat all over his head ♪

♪ he said ♪

♪ I'm gonna build every single mama her own car ♪

♪ but then the factory said "ooh, nuh-uh, boy!" ♪

All hail John cougar.

Oh! Wonderful, ladies.

Warren, honey, if you're not gonna drink the coffee,

do you think that watching me go would help?

- Are you here for ho spice? - What do you think she does

- before the show? - Wolf cut, wolf sweatshirt,

indoor backpack,

faded dar Williams tattoo, fresh Arlo parks tattoo,

the cat-scratch scars of a vet tech?

Lesbians?

- It can't be. - It's ho spice!

You're here for me?

I told you never to write it down. But how?

Not many queer artists come through the quin-state area.

So when there is one, we make the trek.

People will go a long way if it matters to them.

I matter to you.

Thank you.

♪ Hut, hut, with the porch beer ♪

Hey, guys, I'm the gay pied Piper of the ozarks. Look.

The gays showed up.

And I wanna show up for them.

We're gonna do our show.

No, Gloria. We are doing cougar covers.

"Factory car," "little boy, big country," "truck fulla chairs."

I realized that revenge is a dish best served later.

And I have five years

before my daughter starts forming memories.

- Six, if I don't read to her. - You guys.

I made my own clothes out of stuff at the hotel.

Loofahs, the comforter.

This... This is the new me.

Totally original, still very hot, but on my terms.

This is not to appeal to your sack, buddy, okay?

- Good. It doesn't. - Oh.

My thing is an older lady in a raincoat.

Ugh. I'm really done being pushed around by guys.

Yeah.

Including that senator.

Music hole, you are in for a treat.

No. We are not blowing up our tour over him.

Nothing will change my mind.

Please welcome the gals from girls5eva.

Dawn, summer, wickie, and Gloria!

Pause.

Did that man just introduce me third?

- That's when people say my name. - Destroy him, dawn!

- Fuck tomorrow! - Oh, no.

I thought we were waiting. I'm not prepared.

You wanna do something? Now's your chance. I believe in you.

- Yeah. - Oh, wow. Oh, wow!

Thank you, Chuck.

I mean, no.

Not thank you, Chuck.

Music hole's senator Dennis is bad.

That is why it is vital to vote early and often.

Oh, sweetie, that is breast-cancer-screening language.

The point is, if men got pregnant, you'd get one from your mailman.

- What's "one"? - This is unfocused.

Because what if a-rod hadn't finished in my hair?

- Okay, she's bad at this. - Wait. Sorry.

My generation didn't grow up caring about things.

This is new. But I drink almond milk.

You shouldn't. They use so much water.

- Fuck! I'm sorry, guys. - Oof. Let's end this.

I'm gonna do better. I'm gonna do research.

♪ Big, big pussy, pussy ener-energy ♪

♪ big, big pussy, pussy ener-energy! ♪

No, no, no.

♪ Got that big pussy energy ♪

♪ yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

Stop!

♪ Stepping up, done playing it small ♪

♪ taking over, yeah, wall to wall ♪

Stop!

I declare a footloose!

No singing! No dancing!

It's a footloose!

Footloose, shut this down.

Still worth it.

Modor, get in your sack, honey.

A footloose was declared for the second time this month,

the last one due to prom dresses that showed stomach.

I got some shots in, right, guys?

The good news is that someday our sun will explode

and there will be no record of what you said tonight.

Guys, our next 20 gigs are canceled.

We are out of money and suitelets points. Where are we even going?

I know where we can stay for free.

Maryland.

Why did you say it like that?

The squirrel is shitting!

Nope, those are babies.

♪ Sensitive boy ♪

♪ I am just a sensitive boy ♪

♪ too humble to tell you about my houses ♪

♪ too shy to show you my drawings of you ♪

♪ just wanna cry ♪

♪ inside my sweater with you ♪

♪ unh ♪

♪ so will you please, please ♪

♪ come live with me? ♪

♪ Inside my sweater ♪

♪ sweater, sweater ♪

♪ inside my loose sweater ♪

♪ sweater, sweater ♪

♪ play hide-and-seek and sleep and dream with me ♪

♪ inside my sweater, sweater, sweater ♪

♪ inside my sweater ♪

♪ sweater, sweater, sweater ♪

♪ inside my loose sweater sweater, sweater ♪

♪ play hide-and-seek and sleep and dream with me ♪

♪ inside my sweater, sweater, sweater ♪

♪ inside my sweater, sweater ♪