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03 Monty Pythons Life Of Brian - Comedy 1979 English
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[CHORUS HUMMING]
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[CLEARS THROAT]
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[SCREAMS]
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Who are you?
We are three wise men.
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What? We are three wise men.
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What are you doing creeping around
a cowshed at 2:00 in the morning?
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That doesn't sound very wise to me.
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We are astrologers.
We have come from the East.
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Is this some kind of joke?
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We wish to praise the infant.
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We must pay homage to him.
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Homage? You're all drunk!
It's disgusting! Out! Come on, out!
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Bursting in here with tales about
Oriental fortune-tellers. Out!
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No, no, we must see him.
Go and praise someone else's brat!
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We were led by a star!
Led by a bottle, more like! Go on, out!
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We must see him. We have presents!
Out!
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Gold, frankincense, myrrh!
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Well, why didn't you say?
He's over there.
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Sorry the place is a bit of a mess.
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Well, what is myrrh anyway?
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It is a valuable balm. A balm?!
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What are you giving him a balm for?
It might bite him!
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What? That's a dangerous animal!
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Throw it in the trough!
No, it isn't!
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Yes, it is. It's a great big...
No, no, no, it is an ointment.
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Well, there is an animal called
a balm, or did I dream it?
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So you're astrologers, are you?
Well, what is he then?
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What star-sign is he?
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Capricorn.
Capricorn, eh? What are they like?
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He's the Son of God. Our Messiah.
King of the Jews!
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And that's Capricorn, is it?
No, no, no, that's just him!
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Oh. I was gonna say,
otherwise there'd be a lot of them.
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By what name are you calling him?
Uh, Brian.
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KINGS: We worship you, O Brian,
who are lord over us all.
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Praise unto you, Brian,
and to the Lord, our Father. Amen.
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Do you do a lot of this, then?
What?
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This praising. No, no. No, no.
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Well, um, if you're dropping
by again, do pop in.
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And thanks a lot for the gold
and frankincense,
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but don't worry too much about
the myrrh next time, all right?
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Thank you. Goodbye.
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Well, weren't they nice?
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Out of their bloody minds,
but still, look at that!
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Here. Here, that's mine! Hey!
Hey, you gave me that!
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[CHORUS SINGING]
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[BRIAN CRIES]
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Shut up!
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♪ Brian ♪
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♪ The babe they called Brian ♪
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♪ He grew ♪
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♪ Grew, grew and grew ♪
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♪ Grew up to be ♪
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♪ Grew up to be ♪
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♪ A boy called Brian ♪
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♪ A boy called Brian ♪
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♪ He had arms and legs ♪
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♪ And hands and feet ♪
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♪ This boy ♪
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♪ Whose name was Brian ♪
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♪ And he grew ♪
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♪ Grew, grew and grew ♪
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♪ Grew up to be ♪
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♪ Yes, he grew up to be ♪
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♪ A teenager called Brian ♪
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♪ A teenager called Brian ♪
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♪ And his face became spotty ♪
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♪ Yes, his face became spotty ♪
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♪ And his voice dropped down low ♪
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♪ And things started to grow ♪
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♪ On young Brian and so ♪
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♪ He was certainly no ♪
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♪ No girl named Brian ♪
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♪ Not a girl named Brian ♪
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♪ And he started to shave ♪
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♪ And have one off the wrist ♪
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♪ And want to see girls ♪
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♪ And go out and get pissed ♪
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♪ A man called Brian ♪
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♪ This man called Brian ♪
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♪ The man they called Brian ♪
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♪ This man called ♪
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♪ Brian ♪
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Aah!
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[JESUS] How blessed are those
who know their need of God.
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How blessed are the sorrowful.
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They shall find consolation.
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How blessed are those
of gentle spirit.
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They shall have the Earth
for their possession.
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How blessed are those who hunger
and thirst to see right prevail.
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They shall be satisfied.
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How blessed are those
whose hearts are pure.
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They shall see God.
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Speak up!
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Shh. Quiet, Mum!
Well, I can't hear a thing.
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Let's go to a stoning.
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You can go to a stoning anytime.
Oh, come on, Brian.
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Will you be quiet?!
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Don't pick your nose!
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I wasn't picking my nose.
I was scratching.
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You was picking it while you
was talking to that lady.
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I wasn't!
Leave it alone. Give it a rest.
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Do you mind? I can't hear a word.
Don't you do you mind me.
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I was talking to my husband.
Go and talk to him somewhere else.
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I can't hear a bloody thing.
Don't you swear at my wife.
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I was only asking her to shut up
so we can hear, big nose.
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Don't you call
my husband big nose.
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Well, he has got a big nose.
Could you be quiet, please?
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What was that?
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Don't know. I was busy
talking to big nose.
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I think it was,
Blessed are the cheese makers.
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What's so special about
the cheese makers?
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Well, obviously, it's not meant
to be taken literally.
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It refers to any manufacturers
of dairy products.
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See, if you hadn't been going on,
we'd have heard that, big nose.
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Hey, say that once more,
I'll smash your bloody face in!
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Better keep listening. Might be a bit
about blessed are the big noses.
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Oh, lay off him.
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You're not so bad yourself, conk-face.
Where are you two from? Nose City?
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One more time, mate,
I'll take you to the fucking cleaners!
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Language!
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And don't pick your nose!
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I wasn't going to pick my nose.
I was gonna thump him!
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Hear that?
Blessed are the Greek.
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The Greek?
Apparently, he'll inherit the Earth.
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Did anyone catch his name?
You're not gonna thump anybody.
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I'll thump him
if he calls me big nose again!
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Oh, shut up, big nose!
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Right. I warned you.
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I really will slug you so hard...!
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Oh, it's the meek.
Blessed are the meek.
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Oh, that's nice. I'm glad they're getting
something. They have a hell of a time.
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Listen, I'm only telling the truth.
You have got a very big nose.
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Your nose is gonna be three foot wide
across your face by the time I'm finished!
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Shh!
Who hit yours? Goliath's big brother?
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Right, that's your last warning.
Oh, do pipe down.
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Silly bitch, getting in the way.
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Break it up!
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Come on, let's go to the stoning.
All right.
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Blessed is just about everyone with a vested interest
in the status quo, as far as I can tell, Reg.
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What Jesus blatantly fails
to appreciate is
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it's the meek
who are the problem.
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[JUDITH] Yes, yes.
Absolutely, Reg. Yes, I see.
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Come on, Brian, or they'll have
stoned him before we get there.
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All right.
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Hey, get off her. That's disgusting.
Officer, intervene here.
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Attempted rape going on. It's the chap with
the big nose's fault. He started it all.
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I hate wearing these beards.
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Why aren't women
allowed at stonings?
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It's written, that's why.
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00:10:53,839 --> 00:10:57,175
Beard, madam?
Oh, I haven't got time for no stonings.
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He's not well again.
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[DONKEY BRAYS]
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Stone, sir?
They've got them lying on the ground.
155
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Not like these, sir. Look at this. Feel
the quality of that. That's craftsmanship.
156
00:11:10,522 --> 00:11:13,525
All right. We'll have two
with points and a big flat one.
157
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Could I have a flat one, Mum?
Shh!
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Sorry. Dad.
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00:11:17,320 --> 00:11:20,532
All right. Two points, two flats
and a packet of gravel.
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Packet of gravel.
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00:11:22,033 --> 00:11:23,743
Should be a good one this afternoon.
Yeah?
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Local boy. Oh, good.
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Enjoy yourselves.
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[CROWD YELLING]
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Matthias, son of
Deuteronomy of Gath...
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Do I say yes? Yes. Yes!
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You have been found guilty
by the elders of the town
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of uttering the name of our Lord.
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And so as a blasphemer...
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[CROWD GASPS]
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You are to be stoned to death!
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Look, I'd had a lovely supper,
and all I said to my wife was:
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That piece of halibut was
good enough for Jehovah.
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[CROWD GASPS]
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Blasphemy! He said it again!
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Did you hear him?
[CROWD] Yeah! Yes, we did!
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[HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] Really.
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Are there any women here today?
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Very well. By virtue of the
authority vested in me...
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00:12:38,944 --> 00:12:41,905
Ow, lay off!
We haven't started yet.
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00:12:42,072 --> 00:12:43,615
Come on! Who threw that?
182
00:12:45,617 --> 00:12:47,118
Who threw that stone? Come on!
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[HIGH-PITCHED VOICES]
She did! She did!
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00:12:49,955 --> 00:12:52,457
[LOW-PITCHED VOICES]
He did! He did! He did!
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Sorry, I thought we'd started.
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Go to the back. Oh, dear.
187
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Always one, isn't there?
188
00:13:00,465 --> 00:13:01,841
Now, where were we?
189
00:13:02,050 --> 00:13:05,679
I don't think it ought to be
blasphemy, just saying Jehovah.
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[YELLING]
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You're only making it
worse for yourself!
192
00:13:10,100 --> 00:13:12,644
Making it worse?!
How could it be worse?
193
00:13:12,811 --> 00:13:15,355
Jehovah! Jehovah! Jehovah!
194
00:13:15,564 --> 00:13:19,150
I'm warning you!
If you say Jehovah once more...
195
00:13:19,317 --> 00:13:21,820
Right! Who threw that?
196
00:13:23,446 --> 00:13:25,490
Come on! Who threw that?
197
00:13:27,492 --> 00:13:29,452
[LOW-PITCHED VOICES]
Him! Him! Him!
198
00:13:30,161 --> 00:13:31,663
Was it you? Yes.
199
00:13:31,997 --> 00:13:34,499
Right...
Well, you did say Jehovah.
200
00:13:38,837 --> 00:13:41,006
Stop. Stop. Will you stop that?
201
00:13:41,172 --> 00:13:42,173
Stop it!
202
00:13:42,340 --> 00:13:48,054
Now, look. No one is to stone
anyone until I blow this whistle.
203
00:13:48,221 --> 00:13:49,639
Do you understand?
204
00:13:49,806 --> 00:13:53,143
Even... And I want to
make this absolutely clear.
205
00:13:53,310 --> 00:13:56,396
Even if they do say Jehovah.
206
00:14:02,485 --> 00:14:03,903
[WOMAN] Good shot!
207
00:14:04,112 --> 00:14:07,365
[CROWD APPLAUDS]
208
00:14:15,165 --> 00:14:18,668
Have I got a big nose, Mum?
Oh, stop thinking about sex.
209
00:14:18,835 --> 00:14:20,712
I wasn't.
You're always on about it.
210
00:14:20,879 --> 00:14:22,255
Morning, noon and night.
211
00:14:22,422 --> 00:14:25,050
Will the girls like this?
Will the girls like that?
212
00:14:25,216 --> 00:14:28,219
Is it too big? Is it too small?
213
00:14:31,264 --> 00:14:34,059
Alms for a leper.
Alms for a leper.
214
00:14:34,225 --> 00:14:36,853
Alms for an ex-leper.
215
00:14:37,020 --> 00:14:40,899
Bloody donkey owners, all the same,
ain't they? Never have any change.
216
00:14:41,066 --> 00:14:42,567
Here's a touch.
217
00:14:42,734 --> 00:14:45,904
Spare a talent for an old ex-leper?
Buzz off.
218
00:14:46,071 --> 00:14:47,906
Spare a talent for an old ex-leper?
219
00:14:48,073 --> 00:14:50,408
A talent? That's more than
he earns in a month.
220
00:14:50,575 --> 00:14:52,410
Half a talent then?
Now, go away.
221
00:14:52,577 --> 00:14:54,057
Come on, big nose, let's haggle.
What?
222
00:14:54,204 --> 00:14:59,042
All right, let's say you open at one
shekel, I start at 2000, we close at 1800.
223
00:14:59,209 --> 00:15:00,251
No. 1750?
224
00:15:00,418 --> 00:15:01,920
Go away! 1740?
225
00:15:02,087 --> 00:15:04,756
Leave him alone.
All right. Two shekels, just two.
226
00:15:04,923 --> 00:15:07,967
Isn't this fun, eh?
Look, he's not giving you any money.
227
00:15:08,176 --> 00:15:10,053
So piss off!
228
00:15:13,765 --> 00:15:16,365
All right, sir, my final offer.
Half a shekel for an old ex-leper?
229
00:15:16,476 --> 00:15:18,937
Did you say ex-leper?
That's right, sir.
230
00:15:19,104 --> 00:15:20,980
Sixteen years behind
the bell and proud of it.
231
00:15:21,231 --> 00:15:23,483
Well, what happened?
I was cured, sir.
232
00:15:23,692 --> 00:15:26,319
Cured?
A bloody miracle, sir. God bless you.
233
00:15:26,486 --> 00:15:28,947
Who cured you? Jesus did, sir.
234
00:15:29,114 --> 00:15:31,241
I was hopping along,
minding my own business.
235
00:15:31,408 --> 00:15:33,743
All of a sudden,
up he comes, cures me.
236
00:15:33,910 --> 00:15:36,430
One minute I'm a leper with a trade,
next minute my livelihood's gone.
237
00:15:36,454 --> 00:15:38,164
Not so much as a by-your-leave.
238
00:15:38,331 --> 00:15:40,917
You're cured, mate.
Bloody do-gooder.
239
00:15:41,126 --> 00:15:44,587
Well, why don't you go and tell him
that you want to be a leper again?
240
00:15:44,754 --> 00:15:46,914
I could do that, sir.
Yeah, I could do that, I suppose.
241
00:15:47,006 --> 00:15:50,635
I was gonna ask him if he'd make me
a bit lame in one leg during the week.
242
00:15:50,802 --> 00:15:53,447
You know, something beggable, but
not leprosy, which is a pain in the ass.
243
00:15:53,471 --> 00:15:54,806
Excuse my French, sir.
244
00:15:54,973 --> 00:15:57,642
Brian! Come and
clean your room out.
245
00:15:59,102 --> 00:16:00,687
There you are.
Thank you. Thank...
246
00:16:00,854 --> 00:16:05,942
Half a dinar for me bloody life story?
There's no pleasing some people.
247
00:16:06,109 --> 00:16:08,278
That's just what Jesus said, sir.
248
00:16:19,539 --> 00:16:20,623
Oh!
249
00:16:21,291 --> 00:16:22,876
Good afternoon.
250
00:16:23,168 --> 00:16:25,336
Oh, uh... Hello, officer.
251
00:16:26,004 --> 00:16:29,174
I'll be with you in a few
moments, all right, dear?
252
00:16:29,340 --> 00:16:30,633
What's he doing here?
253
00:16:30,800 --> 00:16:32,886
Don't start that, Brian.
Go clean your room out.
254
00:16:33,052 --> 00:16:34,387
Bloody Romans.
255
00:16:34,554 --> 00:16:37,849
Now, look, Brian. If it wasn't for
them, we wouldn't have all this.
256
00:16:38,016 --> 00:16:41,644
And don't you forget it.
We don't owe the Romans anything.
257
00:16:41,811 --> 00:16:44,314
That's not entirely true, is it, Brian?
258
00:16:44,481 --> 00:16:45,523
What do you mean?
259
00:16:45,690 --> 00:16:48,693
Well, you know when you
were asking me about your...?
260
00:16:48,860 --> 00:16:52,697
My nose?
Yes, there's a reason it's like it is.
261
00:16:52,864 --> 00:16:54,491
What is it?
262
00:16:54,657 --> 00:16:58,703
Well, I suppose I should have
told you a long time ago, but...
263
00:16:59,037 --> 00:17:01,039
Well, Brian
264
00:17:01,998 --> 00:17:05,335
your father isn't Mr. Cohen.
I never thought he was.
265
00:17:05,502 --> 00:17:07,212
Now, none of your cheek!
266
00:17:07,378 --> 00:17:09,923
He was a Roman, Brian.
267
00:17:10,089 --> 00:17:12,717
He was a centurion
in the Roman army.
268
00:17:12,884 --> 00:17:17,055
You mean you were raped?!
Well, at first, yes.
269
00:17:17,222 --> 00:17:21,184
Who was it?
Naughtius Maximus, his name was.
270
00:17:21,392 --> 00:17:23,686
Promised me the known world,
he did.
271
00:17:23,853 --> 00:17:26,731
I was to be taken to Rome,
house by the Forum
272
00:17:26,898 --> 00:17:28,900
slaves, asses' milk
273
00:17:29,067 --> 00:17:31,402
as much gold as I could eat.
274
00:17:31,611 --> 00:17:34,364
Then he, having his way
with me he had... Voom!
275
00:17:34,572 --> 00:17:35,907
Like a rat out of an aqueduct.
276
00:17:36,074 --> 00:17:37,283
The bastard.
277
00:17:37,450 --> 00:17:40,578
Yes, so next time you go on
about the bloody Romans,
278
00:17:40,745 --> 00:17:44,082
don't forget you're one of them.
I'm not a Roman, Mum.
279
00:17:44,415 --> 00:17:48,586
And I never will be.
I'm a kike, a yid, a Hebe, a hook nose.
280
00:17:48,753 --> 00:17:53,633
I'm kosher, Mum. I'm a Red Sea
pedestrian and proud of it!
281
00:17:54,884 --> 00:17:56,553
[DOOR SLAMS]
282
00:17:57,720 --> 00:18:00,890
Sex, sex, sex, that's all
they think about, huh?
283
00:18:01,057 --> 00:18:03,768
Well, how are you then, officer?
284
00:18:04,352 --> 00:18:07,856
[TRUMPETS SOUNDING]
285
00:18:13,444 --> 00:18:15,905
[AUDIENCE CLAPPING]
286
00:18:21,411 --> 00:18:27,333
[ANNOUNCER] Ladies and
gentlemen, the next contest is between
287
00:18:27,500 --> 00:18:32,463
Frank Goliath,
the Macedonian baby-crusher,
288
00:18:32,630 --> 00:18:36,301
and Boris Mineburg.
289
00:18:36,467 --> 00:18:38,011
[BRIAN] Thank you, madam.
290
00:18:38,261 --> 00:18:41,264
Larks' tongues. Wrens' livers.
291
00:18:41,431 --> 00:18:45,643
Chaffinch brains.
Jaguars' earlobes.
292
00:18:45,810 --> 00:18:48,521
Wolf-nipple chips. Get them
while they're hot. They're lovely.
293
00:18:48,688 --> 00:18:52,317
Dromedary pretzels, only half
a dinar. Tuscany fried bats
294
00:18:52,483 --> 00:18:56,321
I do feel, Reg, that any
anti-imperialist group like ours
295
00:18:56,487 --> 00:19:00,325
must reflect such a divergence
of interest within its power base.
296
00:19:00,491 --> 00:19:01,826
Agreed. Francis?
297
00:19:01,993 --> 00:19:04,162
I think Judith's point of view
is very valid, Reg,
298
00:19:04,329 --> 00:19:08,291
provided the movement never forgets that
it is the unalienable right of every man...
299
00:19:08,458 --> 00:19:09,792
Or woman. Or woman.
300
00:19:09,959 --> 00:19:11,669
To rid himself... Or herself.
301
00:19:11,836 --> 00:19:12,916
Agreed. Thank you, brother.
302
00:19:13,046 --> 00:19:15,423
Or sister. Or sister.
303
00:19:16,174 --> 00:19:17,967
Where was I?
304
00:19:18,551 --> 00:19:21,054
I think you finished. Oh. Right.
305
00:19:21,220 --> 00:19:24,682
It is the birth right of every man...
Or woman.
306
00:19:24,849 --> 00:19:27,329
Why don't you shut up about
women, Stan? You're putting us off.
307
00:19:27,477 --> 00:19:30,229
Women have a perfect right to play
a part in our movement.
308
00:19:30,521 --> 00:19:32,523
Why are you always
on about women, Stan?
309
00:19:33,358 --> 00:19:35,234
I want to be one.
310
00:19:36,361 --> 00:19:37,695
What?
311
00:19:37,946 --> 00:19:40,031
I want to be a woman.
312
00:19:40,198 --> 00:19:44,702
From now on, I want
you all to call me Loretta.
313
00:19:44,869 --> 00:19:47,872
What? It's my right as a man.
314
00:19:48,039 --> 00:19:51,876
Well, why do you want
to be Loretta, Stan?
315
00:19:52,251 --> 00:19:54,545
I want to have babies.
316
00:19:54,712 --> 00:19:56,381
You want to have babies?!
317
00:19:56,547 --> 00:19:59,217
It's every man's right to have
babies if he wants them.
318
00:19:59,384 --> 00:20:02,553
But you can't have babies.
Don't you oppress me.
319
00:20:02,720 --> 00:20:06,224
I'm not oppressing you, Stan.
You haven't got a womb.
320
00:20:06,391 --> 00:20:10,269
Where's the foetus gonna gestate?
You gonna keep it in a box?
321
00:20:10,478 --> 00:20:12,063
[SOBS]
322
00:20:13,773 --> 00:20:18,403
Here, I've got an idea. Suppose you
agree that he can't actually have babies,
323
00:20:18,569 --> 00:20:21,948
not having a womb, which is
nobody's fault, not even the Romans',
324
00:20:22,115 --> 00:20:24,575
but that he can have
the right to have babies.
325
00:20:24,867 --> 00:20:26,285
Good idea, Judith.
326
00:20:26,494 --> 00:20:30,623
We shall fight the oppressors for
your right to have babies, brother. Sister.
327
00:20:30,790 --> 00:20:33,209
What's the point? What?
328
00:20:33,376 --> 00:20:36,212
What's the point of fighting
for his right to have babies
329
00:20:36,421 --> 00:20:38,798
when he can't have babies?
330
00:20:39,590 --> 00:20:44,053
It is symbolic of our struggle
against oppression.
331
00:20:44,929 --> 00:20:47,598
Symbolic of his struggle
against reality.
332
00:20:47,807 --> 00:20:50,018
[TRUMPETS SOUNDING]
333
00:20:54,731 --> 00:20:57,567
[GUARD] Get out there. Get out.
[VICTIM] It's dangerous out there.
334
00:20:57,734 --> 00:20:59,652
[YELPS]
335
00:20:59,819 --> 00:21:01,612
[AUDIENCE LIGHTLY APPLAUDS]
336
00:21:11,748 --> 00:21:14,292
[AUDIENCE GRUMBLING]
337
00:21:16,044 --> 00:21:19,130
[BOOING]
338
00:21:20,048 --> 00:21:24,093
Larks' tongues. Otters' noses.
Ocelots' spleens.
339
00:21:24,302 --> 00:21:26,095
Got any nuts?
Haven't got any nuts, sorry.
340
00:21:26,262 --> 00:21:28,556
I've got wrens' livers,
badgers' spleens...
341
00:21:28,723 --> 00:21:29,849
No, no, no.
342
00:21:30,058 --> 00:21:32,518
Otters' noses?
I don't want any Roman rubbish.
343
00:21:32,685 --> 00:21:34,312
Why don't you sell proper food?
344
00:21:34,479 --> 00:21:35,813
Proper food?
345
00:21:35,980 --> 00:21:38,107
Yeah, not those rich
imperialist titbits.
346
00:21:38,316 --> 00:21:41,652
Don't blame me.
I didn't ask to sell this stuff.
347
00:21:41,819 --> 00:21:44,447
All right, bag of otters' noses, then.
Make it two.
348
00:21:44,614 --> 00:21:46,824
Two. Thanks, Reg.
349
00:21:46,991 --> 00:21:48,659
Are you the Judean People's Front?
350
00:21:48,826 --> 00:21:50,828
Fuck off. What?
351
00:21:50,995 --> 00:21:53,664
Judean People's Front!
352
00:21:53,831 --> 00:21:56,084
We're the People's
Front of Judea.
353
00:21:56,292 --> 00:21:59,962
Judean People's Front, God!
Wankers.
354
00:22:02,215 --> 00:22:05,343
Can I join your group?
No, piss off.
355
00:22:05,510 --> 00:22:09,680
I didn't want to sell this. It's only a
job. I hate the Romans as much as anybody.
356
00:22:09,847 --> 00:22:11,349
Shh!
357
00:22:12,141 --> 00:22:14,644
Are you sure? Oh, dead sure.
358
00:22:14,811 --> 00:22:16,479
I hate the Romans already.
359
00:22:16,687 --> 00:22:22,735
Listen, if you wanted to join the PFJ,
you'd have to really hate the Romans.
360
00:22:22,902 --> 00:22:24,570
I do.
361
00:22:24,737 --> 00:22:26,114
Oh, yeah, how much?
362
00:22:26,656 --> 00:22:28,199
A lot.
363
00:22:30,493 --> 00:22:32,495
Right, you're in. Listen
364
00:22:33,037 --> 00:22:35,665
the only people we hate
more than the Romans
365
00:22:35,873 --> 00:22:37,500
are the fucking
Judean People's Front.
366
00:22:37,667 --> 00:22:38,918
Splitters!
367
00:22:39,127 --> 00:22:40,711
And the Judean
Popular People's Front.
368
00:22:40,878 --> 00:22:42,213
Oh, yeah. Splitters.
369
00:22:42,380 --> 00:22:45,049
And the People's Front of Judea.
Yeah. Splitters.
370
00:22:45,216 --> 00:22:47,718
What?
The People's Front of Judea. Splitters.
371
00:22:47,885 --> 00:22:50,721
We're the People's
Front of Judea.
372
00:22:50,888 --> 00:22:53,558
Oh. I thought we were
the Popular Front.
373
00:22:53,724 --> 00:22:55,685
People's Front.
374
00:22:55,935 --> 00:22:58,437
What ever happened
to the Popular Front, Reg?
375
00:22:58,855 --> 00:23:00,231
He's over there.
376
00:23:03,067 --> 00:23:05,570
[ALL] Splitter!
377
00:23:06,279 --> 00:23:08,072
[CROWD BOOING]
378
00:23:08,447 --> 00:23:10,741
[GLADIATOR PANTING AND GASPING]
379
00:23:10,950 --> 00:23:12,451
Oh! Oh
380
00:23:12,743 --> 00:23:16,581
I think I'm about to have
a cardiac arrest.
381
00:23:17,707 --> 00:23:19,584
Absolutely dreadful.
382
00:23:21,169 --> 00:23:24,589
[CROWD APPLAUDING AND CHEERING]
383
00:23:34,974 --> 00:23:38,436
What's your name?
Brian. Brian Cohen.
384
00:23:39,228 --> 00:23:42,732
We may have
a little job for you, Brian.
385
00:24:37,328 --> 00:24:41,165
What's this, then?
Romanes eunt domus?
386
00:24:41,374 --> 00:24:44,502
People called Romanes,
they go the house?
387
00:24:44,669 --> 00:24:46,629
It says, Romans go home.
388
00:24:47,463 --> 00:24:50,800
No, it doesn't.
What's Latin for Roman?
389
00:24:50,967 --> 00:24:52,635
Come on. Romanus?
390
00:24:52,802 --> 00:24:54,136
Goes like...? Anus?
391
00:24:54,303 --> 00:24:56,889
Vocative plural of anus is...?
392
00:24:57,056 --> 00:24:58,975
Ani? Romani.
393
00:25:00,351 --> 00:25:02,728
Eunt? What is eunt? Go.
394
00:25:02,895 --> 00:25:08,234
Conjugate the verb to go.
Ere, eo, is, it, Imus, it is, eunt.
395
00:25:08,401 --> 00:25:10,319
So eunt is...?
396
00:25:10,486 --> 00:25:13,155
Third person plural,
present indicative. They go.
397
00:25:13,322 --> 00:25:18,369
But Romans go home is an order,
so you must use the...?
398
00:25:18,536 --> 00:25:20,913
Imperative! Which is...?
399
00:25:21,872 --> 00:25:24,083
Oh, i. How many Romans?
400
00:25:24,292 --> 00:25:28,045
Plural, plural. Ite. Ite. Ite.
401
00:25:28,879 --> 00:25:31,549
Domus? Nominative?
402
00:25:31,716 --> 00:25:35,553
Go home. This is motion
towards, isn't it, boy?
403
00:25:35,720 --> 00:25:39,432
Dative! Not dative,
not the dative, sir!
404
00:25:40,349 --> 00:25:43,227
The accusative! Accusative!
Domum, sir. Ad do mum.
405
00:25:43,394 --> 00:25:46,230
Except that domus takes the...?
The locative, sir.
406
00:25:46,397 --> 00:25:47,565
Which is...? Domum!
407
00:25:47,732 --> 00:25:50,026
Domum.
408
00:25:52,570 --> 00:25:53,738
Understand? Yes, sir.
409
00:25:53,904 --> 00:25:57,074
Write that 100 times.
Yes, sir. Thank you. Hail Caesar.
410
00:25:57,241 --> 00:26:00,036
Hail Caesar. If it's not done
by sunrise, I'll cut your balls off.
411
00:26:00,244 --> 00:26:03,539
Oh, thank you, sir. Thank you, sir.
Hail Caesar and everything, sir.
412
00:26:25,770 --> 00:26:27,104
Finished.
413
00:26:28,481 --> 00:26:33,611
Right. Now, don't do it again.
414
00:26:56,175 --> 00:26:57,676
Hey! Bloody Romans.
415
00:27:32,837 --> 00:27:35,482
[FRANCIS] We're getting in through
the underground heating system here,
416
00:27:35,506 --> 00:27:38,175
up through into the
main audience chamber here,
417
00:27:38,342 --> 00:27:40,845
and Pilate's wife's
bedroom is here.
418
00:27:41,429 --> 00:27:43,848
Having grabbed his wife,
we inform Pilate
419
00:27:44,014 --> 00:27:47,685
that she's in our custody,
and forthwith issue our demands.
420
00:27:47,935 --> 00:27:50,354
Any questions?
What exactly are the demands?
421
00:27:50,563 --> 00:27:55,151
We're giving Pilate two days to dismantle
the entire Roman imperialist state,
422
00:27:55,317 --> 00:27:57,903
and if he doesn't agree
immediately, we execute her.
423
00:27:58,070 --> 00:28:00,322
Cut her head off?
Cut all her bits off.
424
00:28:00,531 --> 00:28:03,951
Send them back on the hour, every hour.
Show them we're not to be trifled with.
425
00:28:04,160 --> 00:28:08,914
And of course, we point out that they bear
full responsibility when we chop her up,
426
00:28:09,081 --> 00:28:12,543
and that we shall not
submit to blackmail.
427
00:28:12,710 --> 00:28:14,545
[ALL] No blackmail!
428
00:28:14,712 --> 00:28:18,591
They've bled us white, the bastards.
They've taken everything we had.
429
00:28:18,841 --> 00:28:22,219
And not just from us! From our
fathers, and from our fathers' fathers.
430
00:28:22,386 --> 00:28:24,597
And from our fathers' fathers' fathers.
Yeah.
431
00:28:24,763 --> 00:28:26,891
And from our fathers' fathers'
fathers' fathers.
432
00:28:27,057 --> 00:28:28,726
All right, don't lab our the point.
433
00:28:28,893 --> 00:28:32,104
And what have they ever
given us in return?
434
00:28:34,064 --> 00:28:35,733
The aqueduct?
435
00:28:36,358 --> 00:28:38,027
What? The aqueduct.
436
00:28:38,569 --> 00:28:41,238
Oh. Yeah, they did give us that.
That's true, yeah.
437
00:28:41,405 --> 00:28:43,407
And the sanitation.
438
00:28:43,574 --> 00:28:46,911
Oh, yeah, the sanitation, Reg.
Remember what the city used to be like?
439
00:28:47,077 --> 00:28:51,123
I'll grant you the aqueduct and sanitation,
the two things the Romans have done.
440
00:28:51,290 --> 00:28:54,084
And the roads.
Yeah, obviously the roads.
441
00:28:54,251 --> 00:28:56,295
I mean, the roads go
without saying, don't they?
442
00:28:56,504 --> 00:28:58,864
But apart from the sanitation,
the aqueduct and the roads...
443
00:28:58,923 --> 00:29:01,383
[MAN 1] Irrigation. Medicine?
444
00:29:01,550 --> 00:29:04,220
Education.
Yeah, yeah, all right, fair enough.
445
00:29:04,428 --> 00:29:06,430
And the wine.
446
00:29:07,556 --> 00:29:10,434
That's something we'd really
miss, Reg, if the Romans left.
447
00:29:10,601 --> 00:29:11,769
[MAN 2] Public baths.
448
00:29:11,936 --> 00:29:14,271
And it's safe to walk in
the streets at night now.
449
00:29:14,438 --> 00:29:15,916
They certainly know
how to keep order.
450
00:29:15,940 --> 00:29:19,443
Let's face it, they're the only ones
who could in a place like this.
451
00:29:20,611 --> 00:29:25,324
All right, but apart from sanitation,
medicine, education, wine, public order,
452
00:29:25,533 --> 00:29:29,119
irrigation, roads, the fresh-water
system and public health,
453
00:29:29,286 --> 00:29:32,790
what have the Romans
ever done for us?
454
00:29:32,957 --> 00:29:34,124
Brought peace?
455
00:29:34,333 --> 00:29:36,919
Oh, peace. Shut up!
456
00:29:37,086 --> 00:29:38,420
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
457
00:29:47,805 --> 00:29:52,518
I'm a poor man. My sight is poor.
My legs are old and bented.
458
00:29:52,685 --> 00:29:57,147
It's all right, Matthias.
It's all clear.
459
00:30:04,446 --> 00:30:06,615
Well, where's Reg?
460
00:30:07,366 --> 00:30:10,995
Reg. Reg. It's Judith.
461
00:30:11,161 --> 00:30:14,790
What went wrong?
The first blow has been struck.
462
00:30:15,124 --> 00:30:17,835
Did he finish the slogan?
A hundred times.
463
00:30:18,002 --> 00:30:22,131
In letters 10 foot high,
all the way around the palace.
464
00:30:22,298 --> 00:30:24,174
Oh, great.
465
00:30:24,341 --> 00:30:30,055
Great. We need doers in our movement,
Brian, but before you join us, know this:
466
00:30:30,222 --> 00:30:32,683
There is not one of us here
who would not gladly suffer death
467
00:30:32,850 --> 00:30:35,185
to rid this country of the Romans
once and for all.
468
00:30:35,352 --> 00:30:37,354
[MAN] Well, one.
469
00:30:37,521 --> 00:30:41,358
Oh, yeah. Yeah, there's one. But
otherwise, we're solid. Are you with us?
470
00:30:41,692 --> 00:30:43,360
Yes.
471
00:30:44,361 --> 00:30:49,074
From now on, you shall be called,
Brian, that is called Brian.
472
00:30:49,241 --> 00:30:51,535
Tell him about the raid
on Pilate's palace, Francis.
473
00:30:51,702 --> 00:30:53,996
Right. This is the plan:
474
00:30:55,039 --> 00:30:57,666
Now, this is the palace
in Caesar's Square.
475
00:30:57,875 --> 00:31:00,595
Our commando unit will approach
from Fish Street under cover of night
476
00:31:00,919 --> 00:31:04,048
and make our way
to the north western main drain.
477
00:31:04,214 --> 00:31:08,594
If questioned, we are sewage
workers on our way to a conference.
478
00:31:08,761 --> 00:31:11,930
Reg, our glorious leader
and founder of the PFJ,
479
00:31:12,139 --> 00:31:15,559
will be coordinating consultant
at the drain head
480
00:31:15,726 --> 00:31:20,230
though he will not be taking part in
any terrorist action, as he has a bad back.
481
00:31:20,397 --> 00:31:23,025
Aren't you going to come with us?
Solidarity, brother.
482
00:31:23,192 --> 00:31:25,903
Oh, yes. Solidarity, Reg.
483
00:31:26,070 --> 00:31:29,073
Once in the sewer,
timing will be of the essence.
484
00:31:29,281 --> 00:31:32,076
There is a Roman feast later in
the evening, so we must move fast,
485
00:31:32,242 --> 00:31:34,745
and don't wear your best sandals.
486
00:31:34,912 --> 00:31:39,083
Turning left here, we enter the
Caesar Augustus Memorial Sewer.
487
00:31:39,249 --> 00:31:41,752
And from there proceed directly
to the hypocaust.
488
00:31:41,919 --> 00:31:46,965
This has just been re-tiled. So,
terrorists, careful with those weapons.
489
00:31:47,174 --> 00:31:50,678
We will now be directly beneath
Pilate's audience chamber itself.
490
00:31:50,886 --> 00:31:54,890
This is the moment
for Habakkuk to get out his prong.
491
00:32:54,533 --> 00:32:56,535
[ALL] Shh!
492
00:33:13,343 --> 00:33:14,845
Campaign for Free Galilee.
493
00:33:15,512 --> 00:33:18,849
Oh. Uh...
People's Front of Judea. Officials.
494
00:33:19,016 --> 00:33:20,350
Oh.
495
00:33:20,517 --> 00:33:21,894
What's your group doing here?
496
00:33:22,060 --> 00:33:24,688
We're gonna kidnap Pilate's wife,
take her back, issue demands.
497
00:33:24,855 --> 00:33:26,190
So are we. What?
498
00:33:26,356 --> 00:33:28,025
That's our plan.
499
00:33:28,192 --> 00:33:30,068
We were here first.
What do you mean?
500
00:33:30,277 --> 00:33:32,154
We thought of it first.
Oh, yeah?
501
00:33:32,321 --> 00:33:34,406
Yes, a couple of years ago.
502
00:33:34,573 --> 00:33:37,534
We did.
You got all your demands worked out?
503
00:33:37,701 --> 00:33:39,703
Of course we have.
What are they?
504
00:33:39,870 --> 00:33:42,331
Well, I'm not telling you.
Pull the other one.
505
00:33:42,498 --> 00:33:45,000
That's not the point.
We thought of it before you.
506
00:33:45,167 --> 00:33:46,210
Did not. We did.
507
00:33:46,376 --> 00:33:47,711
You didn't. We bloody did!
508
00:33:47,878 --> 00:33:49,213
[ALL] Shh!
509
00:33:49,379 --> 00:33:51,065
Bastards, we've been
planning this for months.
510
00:33:51,089 --> 00:33:53,175
Well, tough titty for you, fish-face.
511
00:33:53,342 --> 00:33:55,177
All right. Why, you sly...
512
00:33:55,385 --> 00:33:58,055
Brothers! Brothers!
We should be struggling together!
513
00:33:58,222 --> 00:34:00,349
We are.
514
00:34:00,557 --> 00:34:01,850
We mustn't fight each other!
515
00:34:02,017 --> 00:34:05,187
Surely we should be united
against the common enemy!
516
00:34:05,562 --> 00:34:07,439
[ALL] The Judean People's Front?!
517
00:34:07,606 --> 00:34:10,234
No, no, the Romans!
518
00:34:10,400 --> 00:34:12,736
Oh, yeah. Yes.
519
00:34:12,903 --> 00:34:14,589
[FRANCIS] Yeah, he's right.
[BRIAN] Look out!
520
00:34:14,613 --> 00:34:16,323
Careful.
521
00:34:21,411 --> 00:34:23,539
Right! Where were we?
You were gonna punch me.
522
00:34:23,705 --> 00:34:24,957
Oh, yeah!
523
00:34:48,105 --> 00:34:49,898
Brothers!
524
00:34:50,065 --> 00:34:52,234
Get off!
525
00:35:07,291 --> 00:35:09,126
[PUNCH AND GROAN]
526
00:35:19,595 --> 00:35:21,597
[YELLS AND MOANS]
527
00:35:43,035 --> 00:35:45,537
[LAUGHS AND SPITS]
528
00:35:51,668 --> 00:35:53,712
[MAN] You lucky bastard.
529
00:35:53,962 --> 00:35:55,339
Who's that?
530
00:35:55,505 --> 00:35:57,841
You lucky, lucky bastard.
531
00:35:58,008 --> 00:35:59,051
What?
532
00:35:59,217 --> 00:36:02,179
Proper little jailer's pet, aren't we?
What do you mean?
533
00:36:02,346 --> 00:36:04,932
You must have slipped him
a few shekels, eh?
534
00:36:05,140 --> 00:36:08,018
Slipped him a few shekels?
You saw him spit in my face!
535
00:36:08,226 --> 00:36:12,189
What wouldn't I give
to be spat at in the face?
536
00:36:12,356 --> 00:36:17,027
I sometimes hang awake at night,
dreaming of being spat at in the face.
537
00:36:17,235 --> 00:36:20,030
Well, it's not exactly friendly.
They had me in manacles!
538
00:36:20,197 --> 00:36:22,199
Manacles!
539
00:36:22,866 --> 00:36:24,159
My idea of heaven
540
00:36:24,326 --> 00:36:28,455
is to be allowed to be put in
manacles just for a few hours.
541
00:36:28,664 --> 00:36:32,709
They must think the sun shines
out of your arse, sonny.
542
00:36:32,876 --> 00:36:34,753
Lay off me, I've had a hard time!
543
00:36:35,003 --> 00:36:37,881
You've had a hard time?
I've been here five years,
544
00:36:38,048 --> 00:36:41,510
they only hung me the right way up
yesterday! So don't you come around...
545
00:36:41,718 --> 00:36:42,970
All right, all right.
546
00:36:43,512 --> 00:36:47,766
They must think
you're Lord God almighty.
547
00:36:47,975 --> 00:36:49,726
What will they do to me?
548
00:36:49,893 --> 00:36:51,687
You'll probably
get away with crucifixion.
549
00:36:51,853 --> 00:36:53,105
Crucifixion?!
550
00:36:53,271 --> 00:36:54,856
Yeah. First offence.
551
00:36:55,065 --> 00:36:57,067
Get away with crucifixion?! It's...
552
00:36:57,234 --> 00:36:58,944
Best thing the Romans
ever did for us.
553
00:36:59,111 --> 00:37:00,362
What?! Oh, yeah.
554
00:37:00,529 --> 00:37:03,529
If we didn't have crucifixion, this
country would be in a right bloody mess.
555
00:37:03,740 --> 00:37:06,410
Guard! Nail them up, I say!
556
00:37:06,576 --> 00:37:09,579
Guard!
Nail some sense into them!
557
00:37:10,372 --> 00:37:13,250
What do you want?
I want you to move me to another cell.
558
00:37:13,542 --> 00:37:15,002
[LAUGHS AND SPITS]
559
00:37:15,419 --> 00:37:18,422
Oh, look at that!
Bloody favouritism!
560
00:37:18,630 --> 00:37:20,257
Shut up, you.
561
00:37:20,507 --> 00:37:22,134
Sorry.
562
00:37:24,553 --> 00:37:27,139
Now, take my case. They
hung me up here five years ago.
563
00:37:27,305 --> 00:37:29,474
Every night they take me down
for 20 minutes,
564
00:37:29,641 --> 00:37:30,934
then they hang me up again.
565
00:37:31,101 --> 00:37:33,895
Which I regard as very fair,
in view of what I done.
566
00:37:34,271 --> 00:37:38,900
And if nothing else, it's taught
me to respect the Romans,
567
00:37:39,067 --> 00:37:42,612
and it's taught me that
you'll never get anywhere in this life
568
00:37:42,779 --> 00:37:47,242
unless you are prepared to do
a fair day's work for a fair day's...
569
00:37:47,451 --> 00:37:49,036
Oh, shut up!
570
00:37:51,455 --> 00:37:52,956
Pilate wants to see you!
571
00:37:53,123 --> 00:37:54,833
Me? Come on!
572
00:37:55,042 --> 00:37:56,793
Pilate? What does he
want to see me for?
573
00:37:56,960 --> 00:37:59,337
I think he wants to know which
way you want to be crucified.
574
00:37:59,546 --> 00:38:01,339
[LAUGHS]
575
00:38:02,257 --> 00:38:04,968
Nice one, centurion. Like it, like it.
Shut up!
576
00:38:05,469 --> 00:38:07,262
Right. Right.
577
00:38:08,346 --> 00:38:12,142
Terrific race, the Romans. Terrific.
578
00:38:21,818 --> 00:38:24,654
Make quite a large living area.
579
00:38:25,155 --> 00:38:27,491
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]
580
00:38:29,785 --> 00:38:31,119
Hail Caesar. Hail.
581
00:38:31,286 --> 00:38:33,538
Only one survivor, sir.
582
00:38:33,705 --> 00:38:35,499
[SPEECH IMPEDIMENT]
Throw him to the flaw.
583
00:38:35,665 --> 00:38:38,502
What, sir?
Throw him to the floor.
584
00:38:38,668 --> 00:38:40,295
Oh.
585
00:38:43,632 --> 00:38:46,843
Now, what is your name, Jew?
586
00:38:47,469 --> 00:38:49,846
Brian, sir. Bwian, eh?
587
00:38:50,013 --> 00:38:52,557
No, no, Brian. Ow!
588
00:38:52,724 --> 00:38:54,142
[GIGGLES]
589
00:38:54,518 --> 00:38:57,062
The little rascal has spiwit.
590
00:38:57,229 --> 00:38:59,189
Has what, sir? Spiwit.
591
00:38:59,356 --> 00:39:01,358
Yes, he did, sir.
592
00:39:01,525 --> 00:39:06,488
No, no, spiwit. Bwavado,
a touch of dewwing do.
593
00:39:06,655 --> 00:39:09,241
Oh! About 11, sir.
594
00:39:11,243 --> 00:39:12,911
So...
595
00:39:13,662 --> 00:39:16,206
You dare to waid us?
To what, sir?
596
00:39:16,373 --> 00:39:20,210
Stwike him, centurion,
very roughly.
597
00:39:20,377 --> 00:39:23,046
And throw him to the floor, sir?
598
00:39:23,213 --> 00:39:25,215
What?
Throw him to the floor again, sir?
599
00:39:25,382 --> 00:39:27,634
Oh, yes. Throw him
to the floor, please.
600
00:39:28,426 --> 00:39:29,845
[YELLS]
601
00:39:30,178 --> 00:39:33,431
Now, Jewish rapscallion
602
00:39:33,849 --> 00:39:35,684
I'm not Jewish, I'm a Roman.
603
00:39:36,059 --> 00:39:38,645
A Woeman? No, no, Roman.
604
00:39:40,564 --> 00:39:44,109
So your father was a Woeman?
605
00:39:44,276 --> 00:39:45,735
Who was he?
606
00:39:45,902 --> 00:39:49,781
He was a centurion
in the Jerusalem garrison, sir.
607
00:39:49,948 --> 00:39:51,616
Really?
608
00:39:51,783 --> 00:39:54,536
What was his name?
Naughtius Maximus.
609
00:39:54,703 --> 00:39:56,413
[LAUGHS]
610
00:39:58,915 --> 00:40:02,961
Centurion, do you have anyone
of that name in the garrison?
611
00:40:03,295 --> 00:40:05,088
Well, no, sir.
612
00:40:05,255 --> 00:40:08,091
Well, you sound very sure.
Have you checked?
613
00:40:08,258 --> 00:40:12,095
Well, no, sir.
I think it's a joke, sir.
614
00:40:12,262 --> 00:40:17,726
Like Sillius Soddus
or Biggus Dickus, sir.
615
00:40:17,976 --> 00:40:22,439
What's so funny about
Biggus Dickus?
616
00:40:22,772 --> 00:40:25,692
Well, it's a joke name, sir.
617
00:40:26,318 --> 00:40:30,280
I have a very great friend
in Wome called Biggus Dickus.
618
00:40:30,447 --> 00:40:31,823
[SNICKERS]
619
00:40:32,115 --> 00:40:34,993
Silence! What is all this insolence?
620
00:40:35,202 --> 00:40:38,580
You will find yourself
in gladiator school very quickly,
621
00:40:38,747 --> 00:40:40,582
with wotten behaviour like that.
622
00:40:40,790 --> 00:40:43,460
Can I go now, sir?
623
00:40:44,794 --> 00:40:46,272
Wait till Biggus Dickus
hears of this.
624
00:40:46,296 --> 00:40:47,631
[SNICKERS]
625
00:40:47,797 --> 00:40:50,508
Wight! Take him away! Sir, he...
626
00:40:50,717 --> 00:40:53,678
No, no, I want him fighting
wabid wild animals within a week!
627
00:40:53,845 --> 00:40:57,307
Yes, sir. Come on, you.
628
00:40:57,599 --> 00:40:59,226
[LAUGHING]
629
00:41:00,143 --> 00:41:05,482
I will not have my friends ridiculed
by the common soldiery!
630
00:41:07,317 --> 00:41:09,778
Anybody else feel like a little
631
00:41:10,820 --> 00:41:12,322
giggle
632
00:41:12,489 --> 00:41:15,659
when I mention my friend...
633
00:41:15,951 --> 00:41:18,119
Biggus...
634
00:41:19,329 --> 00:41:20,664
Dickus?
635
00:41:20,830 --> 00:41:22,999
[SNICKERS]
636
00:41:24,501 --> 00:41:26,002
And what about you?
637
00:41:26,169 --> 00:41:29,673
Do you find it wisible
638
00:41:31,341 --> 00:41:33,635
when I say the name...
639
00:41:34,886 --> 00:41:36,972
Biggus...
640
00:41:38,265 --> 00:41:39,683
Dickus?
641
00:41:41,142 --> 00:41:42,269
[SNICKERING]
642
00:41:58,785 --> 00:42:01,288
He has a wife, you know.
643
00:42:02,580 --> 00:42:04,708
You know what she's called?
644
00:42:07,711 --> 00:42:09,713
She's called...
645
00:42:09,879 --> 00:42:11,798
Incontinentia.
646
00:42:14,342 --> 00:42:16,720
Incontinentia Buttocks. Shut up!
[GUARDS LAUGHING]
647
00:42:16,886 --> 00:42:18,430
What is all this?
648
00:42:18,596 --> 00:42:21,850
I've had enough of this rowdy-rebel,
sniggering behaviour!
649
00:42:22,392 --> 00:42:25,603
Silence! You call yourselves
centurion guards?
650
00:42:25,854 --> 00:42:29,524
Seize him! Seize him!
Blow your noses and seize him!
651
00:42:51,421 --> 00:42:53,757
[WHISTLES]
652
00:43:06,936 --> 00:43:09,105
[SCREAMS]
653
00:43:18,365 --> 00:43:20,367
[SPEAKING ALIEN LANGUAGE]
654
00:43:21,117 --> 00:43:23,453
[SIREN WAILING]
655
00:44:27,225 --> 00:44:30,061
You lucky bastard.
656
00:44:45,702 --> 00:44:48,872
And the beast's head
shall be huge and black,
657
00:44:49,038 --> 00:44:53,585
and the eyes, they're of red
with the blood of living creatures!
658
00:44:54,043 --> 00:44:59,757
And the whore of Babylon shall ride
forth on a three-headed serpent,
659
00:44:59,966 --> 00:45:05,096
and throughout the land
shall be a great rubbing of parts.
660
00:45:05,263 --> 00:45:09,434
And the demon shall bear
a nine-bladed sword!
661
00:45:09,601 --> 00:45:14,022
Nine-bladed! Not two
or five or seven, but nine!
662
00:45:14,189 --> 00:45:18,902
Which he will wield on all wretched
sinners. Sinners just like you, sir, there.
663
00:45:19,068 --> 00:45:23,239
And the horns shall be on the head...
Through Hebediah, his servant,
664
00:45:23,406 --> 00:45:28,411
there shall in that time be rumours
of things going astray,
665
00:45:28,578 --> 00:45:33,082
and there shall be a great confusion
as to where things really are.
666
00:45:33,249 --> 00:45:37,378
And nobody will really know
where lieth those little things,
667
00:45:37,545 --> 00:45:42,050
with the sort of raffia-work base,
that has an attachment.
668
00:45:42,425 --> 00:45:47,597
At this time, a friend shall
lose his friend's hammer,
669
00:45:47,764 --> 00:45:50,767
and the young shall not
know where lieth
670
00:45:50,934 --> 00:45:52,936
the things possessed
by their fathers
671
00:45:53,102 --> 00:45:56,814
that their fathers put there only
just the night before, about 8:00.
672
00:45:57,065 --> 00:45:59,943
Yea, it is written
in the Book of Cyril
673
00:46:00,109 --> 00:46:02,153
that in that time
shall the third one...
674
00:46:12,330 --> 00:46:14,290
How much? Quick. What?
675
00:46:14,457 --> 00:46:17,961
It's for the wife.
Twenty shekels.
676
00:46:18,127 --> 00:46:19,587
Right. What?
677
00:46:19,754 --> 00:46:21,464
There you are. Wait a minute.
678
00:46:21,631 --> 00:46:23,841
What?
Well, we're supposed to haggle.
679
00:46:24,050 --> 00:46:25,930
No, no, I've got to...
What do you mean, no, no?
680
00:46:26,052 --> 00:46:27,512
I haven't got time...
Give it back.
681
00:46:27,679 --> 00:46:29,472
No, no, no, I just paid you.
Burt.
682
00:46:29,639 --> 00:46:31,683
Yeah? This bloke won't haggle.
683
00:46:31,849 --> 00:46:34,519
Won't haggle?!
All right, do we have to?
684
00:46:34,686 --> 00:46:37,480
Now look, I want 20 for that.
I just gave you 20.
685
00:46:37,647 --> 00:46:40,108
Are you telling me that's
not worth 20 shekels? No.
686
00:46:40,275 --> 00:46:42,652
Look at it. Feel the quality,
that's none of your goat.
687
00:46:42,819 --> 00:46:45,655
All right, I'll give you 19.
No, come on, do it properly.
688
00:46:45,822 --> 00:46:48,449
What? Haggle properly.
This isn't worth 19.
689
00:46:48,616 --> 00:46:51,327
Well, you just said it was
worth 20. Oh, dear, oh, dear.
690
00:46:51,494 --> 00:46:53,663
Come on, haggle.
All right, I'll give you 10.
691
00:46:53,830 --> 00:46:57,125
That's more like it.
Ten? Are you trying to insult me?
692
00:46:57,292 --> 00:47:00,169
Me, with a poor,
dying grandmother? Ten?
693
00:47:00,336 --> 00:47:03,131
All right, I'll give you 11.
Now you're getting it. Eleven?!
694
00:47:03,298 --> 00:47:05,008
Did I hear you right? Eleven?
695
00:47:05,174 --> 00:47:06,342
This cost me 12,
696
00:47:06,509 --> 00:47:08,177
you want to ruin me? Seventeen?
697
00:47:08,344 --> 00:47:10,847
No, no, no, no. Seventeen!
Eighteen?
698
00:47:11,014 --> 00:47:13,975
No, no, you go to 14 now.
All right, I'll give you 14.
699
00:47:14,183 --> 00:47:17,228
Fourteen? Are you joking?
That's what you told me to say!
700
00:47:17,395 --> 00:47:19,606
Oh, dear.
Tell me what to say, please!
701
00:47:20,815 --> 00:47:22,650
Offer me 14. I'll give you 14.
702
00:47:22,900 --> 00:47:25,820
He's offering me 14 for this!
Fifteen!
703
00:47:26,029 --> 00:47:29,198
Seventeen. My last word. I won't take
a penny less, or strike me dead.
704
00:47:29,407 --> 00:47:31,117
Sixteen. Done.
705
00:47:31,743 --> 00:47:33,202
Nice to do business with you.
706
00:47:33,369 --> 00:47:35,729
I'll throw you in this as well.
I don't want it, but thanks.
707
00:47:35,872 --> 00:47:37,498
Burt. Yeah.
708
00:47:37,665 --> 00:47:39,709
All right.
Now, where's the 16 you owe me?
709
00:47:39,876 --> 00:47:41,044
I just gave you 20.
710
00:47:41,210 --> 00:47:44,047
That's right. That's four I owe you.
No, that's all right.
711
00:47:44,213 --> 00:47:47,383
No, I've got it here.
It's all right, that's four for the gourd.
712
00:47:47,550 --> 00:47:50,053
Four? For this gourd? Four?
713
00:47:50,219 --> 00:47:52,388
Look at it! It's worth 10
if it's worth a shekel!
714
00:47:52,555 --> 00:47:55,725
You just gave it to me for nothing.
Yes, but it's worth 10.
715
00:47:56,059 --> 00:47:57,560
All right, all right.
716
00:48:00,271 --> 00:48:03,566
No, no, no, no, it's not worth 10,
you're supposed to argue.
717
00:48:03,733 --> 00:48:06,194
Ten for that? You must be mad!
718
00:48:09,030 --> 00:48:12,283
Oh, well. One born every minute.
719
00:48:12,742 --> 00:48:14,410
Daniel. Daniel.
720
00:48:14,577 --> 00:48:15,703
Job. Job.
721
00:48:15,870 --> 00:48:17,372
Job. Joshua.
722
00:48:17,538 --> 00:48:18,748
Joshua. Joshua.
723
00:48:18,915 --> 00:48:20,083
Judges. Judges.
724
00:48:20,249 --> 00:48:21,876
Judges. And Brian.
725
00:48:22,043 --> 00:48:24,462
And Brian. And Brian.
726
00:48:24,671 --> 00:48:28,466
I now propose that
all seven of these ex-brothers
727
00:48:28,675 --> 00:48:31,928
be now entered in the minutes
as probationary martyrs to the cause.
728
00:48:32,095 --> 00:48:35,765
I second that, Reg.
Thank you, Loretta. On the nod.
729
00:48:35,932 --> 00:48:39,936
Siblings, let us not be down on it.
730
00:48:40,103 --> 00:48:44,941
One total catastrophe like this
is just the beginning!
731
00:48:45,108 --> 00:48:47,985
Their glorious deaths
shall unite us all...
732
00:48:48,236 --> 00:48:50,405
Look out!
733
00:49:01,290 --> 00:49:02,959
Hello?
734
00:49:03,126 --> 00:49:04,836
Matthias?
735
00:49:05,586 --> 00:49:08,631
Reg? REG: Go away.
736
00:49:09,132 --> 00:49:13,177
Reg, it's me, Brian.
REG: Get off. Get off out of it.
737
00:49:13,344 --> 00:49:14,595
Stan? Piss off.
738
00:49:14,762 --> 00:49:17,181
Yeah, piss off. Bugger off.
739
00:49:17,348 --> 00:49:19,142
[KNOCKING]
740
00:49:20,435 --> 00:49:22,437
Shit!
741
00:49:22,603 --> 00:49:24,480
Coming.
742
00:49:29,235 --> 00:49:32,822
Yea, verily at that time, it is written
in the Book of Obadiah,
743
00:49:32,989 --> 00:49:37,326
a man shall strike his donkey
and his nephew's donkey,
744
00:49:37,493 --> 00:49:40,747
and anyone in the vicinity
of either the nephew or the donkey.
745
00:49:40,955 --> 00:49:44,208
My eyes are dim, I cannot see.
746
00:49:44,375 --> 00:49:46,210
Are you Matthias? Yes.
747
00:49:46,377 --> 00:49:49,130
We have reason to believe you may
be hiding one Brian of Nazareth,
748
00:49:49,297 --> 00:49:52,633
a member of the terrorist organisation
the People's Front of Judea.
749
00:49:52,800 --> 00:49:57,513
Me? No, I'm just a poor old man,
I have no time for lawbreakers.
750
00:49:57,680 --> 00:50:01,893
My legs are Grey, my ears are nulled,
my eyes are old and bent.
751
00:50:02,059 --> 00:50:03,311
Quiet!
752
00:50:03,478 --> 00:50:06,189
Silly person.
Guards, search the house.
753
00:50:17,033 --> 00:50:21,537
You know the penalty laid down by
Roman law for harbouring a known criminal?
754
00:50:21,704 --> 00:50:23,206
No. Crucifixion.
755
00:50:23,372 --> 00:50:24,916
Oh.
756
00:50:26,375 --> 00:50:29,587
Nasty, eh? Could be worse.
757
00:50:30,046 --> 00:50:32,423
What do you mean,
could be worse?
758
00:50:32,673 --> 00:50:34,383
Well, you could be stabbed.
759
00:50:34,550 --> 00:50:36,427
Stabbed? Takes a second.
760
00:50:36,594 --> 00:50:41,015
Crucifixion lasts hours.
It's a slow, horrible death.
761
00:50:41,182 --> 00:50:44,060
Well, at least it gets you
out in the open air.
762
00:50:45,186 --> 00:50:47,104
You're weird.
763
00:50:54,862 --> 00:50:57,949
No, sir, couldn't find anything, sir.
764
00:50:58,115 --> 00:51:02,286
Well, don't worry, you've not seen
the last of us, weirdo.
765
00:51:02,453 --> 00:51:04,956
Big nose. Watch it!
766
00:51:07,375 --> 00:51:08,960
Phew! That was lucky.
767
00:51:13,339 --> 00:51:14,966
I'm sorry, Reg.
768
00:51:15,132 --> 00:51:17,218
Oh, it's all right, siblings, he's sorry.
769
00:51:17,385 --> 00:51:20,239
He's sorry he led the Fifth Legion
straight to our official headquarters.
770
00:51:20,263 --> 00:51:21,931
Well, that's all right then, Brian.
771
00:51:22,098 --> 00:51:25,226
Sit down! Have a scone.
Make yourself at home.
772
00:51:25,393 --> 00:51:26,936
You klutz!
773
00:51:27,103 --> 00:51:30,648
You stupid, birdbrained,
flat-headed...
774
00:51:30,857 --> 00:51:32,775
[KNOCKING]
775
00:51:35,236 --> 00:51:37,613
[PROPHETS]
with a great juicy melon behind.
776
00:51:39,240 --> 00:51:42,660
My legs are old and bent,
my ears are grizzled, yes?
777
00:51:42,869 --> 00:51:45,955
There's one place we
didn't look. Guards!
778
00:51:46,122 --> 00:51:52,336
I'm just a poor old man, my sight is dim,
my eyes are poor, my nose is knackered.
779
00:51:52,503 --> 00:51:54,755
Have you ever seen
anyone crucified?
780
00:51:54,964 --> 00:51:56,966
Crucifixion's a doddle.
781
00:51:57,800 --> 00:51:59,510
Don't keep saying that.
782
00:52:04,181 --> 00:52:06,475
Found this spoon, sir.
783
00:52:06,642 --> 00:52:09,312
Well done, sergeant.
784
00:52:09,478 --> 00:52:12,982
We'll be back, oddball.
785
00:52:14,817 --> 00:52:16,152
[KNOCKING]
786
00:52:16,319 --> 00:52:19,614
[CENTURION] Open up.
You haven't given us time to hide.
787
00:52:20,781 --> 00:52:22,491
[SCREAMS]
788
00:52:32,168 --> 00:52:34,629
[PREACHING LOUDLY]
789
00:52:44,221 --> 00:52:49,018
Don't pass judgement on other people,
or you might get judged yourself.
790
00:52:49,185 --> 00:52:50,227
What?
791
00:52:50,436 --> 00:52:52,813
I said, don't pass judgement
on other people,
792
00:52:52,980 --> 00:52:55,650
or else you might
get judged too.
793
00:52:55,816 --> 00:52:57,151
Who, me? Yes.
794
00:52:57,526 --> 00:52:58,945
Thank you very much.
795
00:52:59,195 --> 00:53:00,905
Well, not just you, all of you.
796
00:53:01,072 --> 00:53:03,324
That's a nice gourd. What?
797
00:53:03,491 --> 00:53:05,701
How much do you want for the gourd?
You can have it.
798
00:53:05,868 --> 00:53:08,537
Have it?
Yes. Consider the lilies.
799
00:53:08,704 --> 00:53:10,915
Don't you want to haggle?
No. In the field.
800
00:53:11,082 --> 00:53:13,209
What's wrong with it, then?
Nothing, take it.
801
00:53:13,459 --> 00:53:16,379
Consider the lilies?
Well, the birds, then.
802
00:53:16,545 --> 00:53:18,089
What birds? Any birds.
803
00:53:18,255 --> 00:53:21,384
Why? Well, have they got jobs?
804
00:53:21,550 --> 00:53:23,094
Who? The birds.
805
00:53:23,260 --> 00:53:25,054
Have the birds got jobs?!
806
00:53:25,262 --> 00:53:28,224
[MAN] What's the matter with him?
Says the birds are scrounging.
807
00:53:28,391 --> 00:53:31,727
No, the point is, the birds,
they do all right, don't they?
808
00:53:31,894 --> 00:53:34,563
Well, and good luck to them.
Yeah, they're very pretty.
809
00:53:34,772 --> 00:53:38,901
Okay. And you're much more
important than they are, right?
810
00:53:39,068 --> 00:53:41,487
So, what are you worrying about?
There you are, see?
811
00:53:41,862 --> 00:53:44,198
I'm worrying about what
you've got against birds.
812
00:53:44,740 --> 00:53:47,260
I haven't got anything against the
birds. Consider the lilies...
813
00:53:47,410 --> 00:53:50,454
He's having a go at the flowers now.
Give the flowers a chance.
814
00:53:50,621 --> 00:53:52,748
I'll give you one for it.
It's yours!
815
00:53:52,915 --> 00:53:54,208
Two, then.
816
00:53:54,375 --> 00:53:57,003
Look, there was this man,
and he had two servants...
817
00:53:57,211 --> 00:53:58,331
What were they called? What?
818
00:53:58,421 --> 00:54:00,589
What were their names?
I don't know.
819
00:54:00,756 --> 00:54:02,216
And he gave them some talents...
820
00:54:02,383 --> 00:54:04,760
You don't know?
Well, it doesn't matter.
821
00:54:04,927 --> 00:54:06,887
He doesn't know
what they were called!
822
00:54:07,054 --> 00:54:09,140
Oh, they were called
Simon and Adrian. Now...
823
00:54:09,306 --> 00:54:10,725
You said you didn't know!
824
00:54:10,891 --> 00:54:13,704
It really doesn't matter. The point
is, there were these two servants...
825
00:54:13,728 --> 00:54:16,605
He's making it up as he goes along!
No, I'm not!
826
00:54:16,772 --> 00:54:19,108
And he gave them...
Wait a minute, were there three?
827
00:54:19,275 --> 00:54:21,610
He's terrible.
There were three...
828
00:54:21,777 --> 00:54:25,114
It was two or three.
[WOMAN] Oh, get off!
829
00:54:31,078 --> 00:54:33,956
Now hear this. Blessed are they
830
00:54:34,123 --> 00:54:38,669
who convert their neighbour's ox,
for they shall inhibit their girth.
831
00:54:38,836 --> 00:54:44,133
[MAN] Rubbish!
And to them only shall be given...
832
00:54:44,300 --> 00:54:46,552
To them only
833
00:54:47,344 --> 00:54:50,431
shall be given...
834
00:54:52,308 --> 00:54:53,934
[WOMAN] What? Hm?
835
00:54:54,101 --> 00:54:56,937
Shall be given what?
Oh, nothing.
836
00:54:57,146 --> 00:54:58,814
What were you going to say?
Nothing.
837
00:54:58,981 --> 00:55:01,150
Yes, you were going to say something.
I finished.
838
00:55:01,317 --> 00:55:03,611
Oh, no, no.
Come on, tell us before you go.
839
00:55:03,819 --> 00:55:04,963
I wasn't going to
say anything. I've finished.
840
00:55:04,987 --> 00:55:06,030
[WOMAN] No, you hadn't.
841
00:55:06,197 --> 00:55:07,865
What won't he tell us?
[MAN] He won't say.
842
00:55:08,074 --> 00:55:09,492
Is it a secret? No.
843
00:55:09,658 --> 00:55:11,660
Is it?
[MAN] Must be, otherwise he'd tell us.
844
00:55:11,827 --> 00:55:13,329
Tell us. Leave me alone.
845
00:55:13,496 --> 00:55:15,998
What is the secret?
Is it the secret of eternal life?
846
00:55:16,165 --> 00:55:17,208
[MAN] He won't say!
847
00:55:17,374 --> 00:55:19,877
If I knew the secret
of eternal life, I wouldn't say.
848
00:55:20,086 --> 00:55:21,879
Leave me alone.
Just tell me, please.
849
00:55:22,088 --> 00:55:24,548
No, tell us, master,
we were here first.
850
00:55:24,715 --> 00:55:26,467
Five! Go away!
851
00:55:26,634 --> 00:55:28,511
Tell us, master.
I can't go above 5.
852
00:55:28,677 --> 00:55:31,639
Is that his gourd?
Yes, but it's under offer.
853
00:55:31,806 --> 00:55:35,017
This is his gourd. Ten!
854
00:55:35,184 --> 00:55:40,356
It is his gourd.
We will carry it for you, master.
855
00:55:40,523 --> 00:55:42,191
Master?
856
00:55:42,358 --> 00:55:45,736
He's gone. He's been taken up.
857
00:55:45,903 --> 00:55:49,365
[ALL] Oh, he has been taken up!
Eighteen!
858
00:55:49,532 --> 00:55:51,200
No, there he is. Over there.
859
00:55:52,868 --> 00:55:54,411
[SHOUTING]
860
00:56:04,547 --> 00:56:06,715
[CHORUS SINGING]
861
00:56:17,351 --> 00:56:19,186
Look!
862
00:56:19,770 --> 00:56:21,647
He has given us a sign.
863
00:56:21,856 --> 00:56:23,732
He has given us his shoe.
864
00:56:23,899 --> 00:56:26,694
The shoe is a sign.
Let us follow his example!
865
00:56:26,861 --> 00:56:29,446
[MAN 1] What? Let us, like him
866
00:56:29,655 --> 00:56:32,241
hold up one shoe and let
the other be upon our foot,
867
00:56:32,408 --> 00:56:35,786
for this is his sign that all who
follow him shall do likewise!
868
00:56:35,953 --> 00:56:41,083
No, no, the shoe is a sign that we
must gather shoes together in abundance.
869
00:56:41,250 --> 00:56:43,711
Cast off the shoes.
Follow the gourd!
870
00:56:43,919 --> 00:56:46,088
No, let us gather
shoes together.
871
00:56:46,255 --> 00:56:47,798
Let me! Oh, get off!
872
00:56:47,965 --> 00:56:50,092
No, it is a sign that,
like him, we must think
873
00:56:50,259 --> 00:56:53,095
not of the things of the body,
but of the face and head!
874
00:56:53,262 --> 00:56:56,140
Give me your shoe! Get off!
875
00:56:56,307 --> 00:56:59,476
Follow the gourd,
the holy gourd of Jerusalem!
876
00:56:59,685 --> 00:57:02,605
[MAN 2] The gourd!
Hold up the sandal, like he has...
877
00:57:02,771 --> 00:57:05,482
It is a shoe! It is a shoe!
It's a sandal!
878
00:57:05,691 --> 00:57:08,652
No, it isn't! It is a shoe!
[WOMAN] Cast it away!
879
00:57:08,819 --> 00:57:10,279
Put it on! Now clear off.
880
00:57:10,446 --> 00:57:12,573
Take the shoes and follow him!
881
00:57:12,740 --> 00:57:17,203
Come, all ye who call
yourselves Gourdenes.
882
00:57:18,996 --> 00:57:20,789
Stop, I say.
883
00:57:20,956 --> 00:57:24,418
Stop. Let us...
884
00:57:24,585 --> 00:57:26,629
Let us pray.
885
00:57:26,795 --> 00:57:33,260
Yea, he cometh to us
like the seed to the grave...
886
00:57:54,990 --> 00:57:58,160
[ALL] Master!
887
00:58:19,848 --> 00:58:23,894
Hey, is there another way down?
888
00:58:24,061 --> 00:58:26,355
Is there another path
down to the river?
889
00:58:26,522 --> 00:58:27,898
Mmm...
890
00:58:28,065 --> 00:58:30,150
Please, please, help me!
I've got to get...
891
00:58:30,526 --> 00:58:32,528
[YELLING]
892
00:58:34,280 --> 00:58:36,907
Oh, my foot! Shh!
893
00:58:37,074 --> 00:58:40,703
Oh, damn, damn, damn! I'm sorry.
894
00:58:40,869 --> 00:58:44,415
Damn! Damn and blast it!
I'm sorry!
895
00:58:44,581 --> 00:58:48,877
Don't you shush me. Eighteen years
of total silence, and you shush me.
896
00:58:49,044 --> 00:58:52,381
What?
I've kept my vow for 18 years.
897
00:58:52,548 --> 00:58:56,593
Not a single recognisable,
articulate sound has passed my lips.
898
00:58:56,802 --> 00:58:58,846
Please, could you be quiet
for another five minutes?
899
00:58:59,013 --> 00:59:01,724
It doesn't matter now,
I might as well enjoy myself.
900
00:59:01,890 --> 00:59:05,436
The times in the last 18 years
I wanted to shout and sing
901
00:59:05,602 --> 00:59:09,064
and scream my name out!
Oh, I'm alive!
902
00:59:09,231 --> 00:59:11,233
♪ Hava nagila, hava nagila ♪
Shh!
903
00:59:11,400 --> 00:59:16,071
♪ Hava nagila, hava nag... ♪
904
00:59:16,238 --> 00:59:21,076
I'm alive! I'm alive! Hello,
birds! Hello, trees! I'm alive...
905
00:59:21,243 --> 00:59:22,911
Get off! I'm alive!
906
00:59:23,078 --> 00:59:25,914
♪ Hava nagila, hava neranen... ♪
907
00:59:27,583 --> 00:59:30,961
[ALL] Master! Master!
908
00:59:31,754 --> 00:59:34,798
The master! He is here!
909
00:59:34,965 --> 00:59:37,426
The shoe! It was the gourd!
910
00:59:37,593 --> 00:59:39,386
The shoe has brought us!
911
00:59:39,553 --> 00:59:42,765
Speak! Speak to us, master!
Speak to us!
912
00:59:43,098 --> 00:59:44,475
Go away!
913
00:59:44,641 --> 00:59:47,436
[ALL] A blessing! A blessing!
914
00:59:47,603 --> 00:59:49,772
How shall we go away, master?
915
00:59:49,980 --> 00:59:52,274
Just go away and leave me alone.
916
00:59:52,649 --> 00:59:54,276
Give us a sign.
917
00:59:54,443 --> 00:59:57,863
He has given us a sign,
he has brought us to this place!
918
00:59:58,072 --> 01:00:00,741
I didn't bring you here!
You just followed me!
919
01:00:00,949 --> 01:00:03,619
It's still a good sign,
by any standard.
920
01:00:03,786 --> 01:00:06,914
Master, your people have walked
many miles to be with you.
921
01:00:07,081 --> 01:00:08,916
They are weary and have not eaten.
922
01:00:09,124 --> 01:00:11,126
It's not my fault
they haven't eaten!
923
01:00:11,293 --> 01:00:13,670
There is no food
in this high mountain.
924
01:00:13,921 --> 01:00:16,965
What about the juniper bushes
over there?
925
01:00:17,758 --> 01:00:20,969
[ALL] A miracle! A miracle!
926
01:00:21,136 --> 01:00:24,640
He has made the bush
fruitful by his word!
927
01:00:24,807 --> 01:00:26,642
They brought forth
juniper berries!
928
01:00:26,809 --> 01:00:30,020
Of course they brought forth juniper
berries, they're juniper bushes.
929
01:00:30,187 --> 01:00:31,397
What do you expect?!
930
01:00:31,605 --> 01:00:33,273
Show us another miracle.
931
01:00:33,440 --> 01:00:35,484
Do not tempt him, shallow ones!
932
01:00:35,651 --> 01:00:38,487
Is not the miracle
of the juniper bushes enough?
933
01:00:39,488 --> 01:00:41,698
I say, those are
my juniper bushes.
934
01:00:41,907 --> 01:00:43,450
They are a gift from God!
935
01:00:43,659 --> 01:00:46,036
They're all I've
bloody got to eat.
936
01:00:46,203 --> 01:00:50,666
I say, get off of those bushes!
Go on! Clear off, the lot of you.
937
01:00:50,833 --> 01:00:54,837
Lord, I am affected
by a bald patch.
938
01:00:55,003 --> 01:00:56,296
I'm healed!
939
01:00:56,463 --> 01:00:59,383
The master has healed me!
I didn't touch him!
940
01:00:59,550 --> 01:01:02,052
I was blind, and now I can see!
941
01:01:02,219 --> 01:01:06,515
[ALL]
A miracle! A miracle! A miracle!
942
01:01:08,434 --> 01:01:13,230
Tell them to stop it. I hadn't said a
word for 18 years till he came along.
943
01:01:13,480 --> 01:01:17,067
[ALL]
A miracle! He is the Messiah!
944
01:01:17,234 --> 01:01:19,027
And he hurt my foot!
945
01:01:19,194 --> 01:01:22,322
[ALL] Hurt my foot,
Lord! Hurt mine! Hurt mine!
946
01:01:22,489 --> 01:01:24,241
Hail Messiah!
947
01:01:24,450 --> 01:01:26,076
I'm not the Messiah!
948
01:01:26,326 --> 01:01:29,538
I say you are, Lord. And I
should know, I've followed a few!
949
01:01:29,955 --> 01:01:32,040
[ALL] Hail Messiah!
950
01:01:32,207 --> 01:01:33,584
I'm not the Messiah!
951
01:01:33,750 --> 01:01:36,545
Would you please listen, I am not
the Messiah, do you understand?
952
01:01:36,712 --> 01:01:38,380
Honestly!
953
01:01:39,047 --> 01:01:42,843
Only the true Messiah
denies his divinity.
954
01:01:43,051 --> 01:01:46,180
What? Well, what sort of chance
does that give me?
955
01:01:46,346 --> 01:01:48,557
All right, I am the Messiah!
956
01:01:48,724 --> 01:01:52,352
[ALL] He is! He is the Messiah!
957
01:01:52,561 --> 01:01:54,730
Now, fuck off!
958
01:02:02,738 --> 01:02:04,573
How shall we fuck off, O Lord?
959
01:02:04,781 --> 01:02:06,492
Just go away! Leave me alone!
960
01:02:06,700 --> 01:02:09,369
You told these people
to eat my juniper berries.
961
01:02:09,536 --> 01:02:12,414
You break my bloody foot,
you break my vow of silence,
962
01:02:12,581 --> 01:02:15,209
and then you try and clean up
on my juniper bushes!
963
01:02:15,375 --> 01:02:19,379
Lay off! This is the Messiah,
the chosen one!
964
01:02:19,546 --> 01:02:22,508
No, he's not. An unbeliever!
965
01:02:22,716 --> 01:02:23,926
[ALL] An unbeliever!
966
01:02:24,092 --> 01:02:26,762
Persecute! Kill the heretic!
967
01:02:26,929 --> 01:02:29,223
[ALL] Kill! Kill! Kill!
968
01:02:30,140 --> 01:02:31,558
Kill!
969
01:02:31,725 --> 01:02:35,103
Leave him alone!
Leave him alone!
970
01:02:36,104 --> 01:02:37,439
Leave him alone.
971
01:02:37,606 --> 01:02:40,442
Put him down. Please!
972
01:02:44,279 --> 01:02:45,906
Brian?
973
01:02:46,073 --> 01:02:47,950
Judith?
974
01:02:51,954 --> 01:02:54,164
[ROOSTER CROWS]
975
01:03:34,288 --> 01:03:38,834
[ALL] Look, there he is!
The chosen one has woken!
976
01:03:41,128 --> 01:03:42,379
[MOTHER] Brian!
977
01:03:44,172 --> 01:03:45,841
Mother!
978
01:03:46,091 --> 01:03:48,051
Brian! Hang on, Mother!
979
01:03:48,218 --> 01:03:49,720
Shh!
980
01:03:52,347 --> 01:03:55,392
Hello, Mother.
Don't you hello, Mother me.
981
01:03:55,601 --> 01:03:57,161
What are all those people
doing out there?
982
01:03:57,185 --> 01:03:58,186
Well, I...
983
01:03:58,353 --> 01:04:00,355
Come on! What have you
been up to, my lad?
984
01:04:00,522 --> 01:04:02,858
I think they must have
popped by for something.
985
01:04:03,025 --> 01:04:08,071
Popped by? Swarmed by, more like.
There's a multitude out there!
986
01:04:08,238 --> 01:04:09,990
They started following
me yesterday.
987
01:04:10,157 --> 01:04:13,827
Well, they can stop following
you right now.
988
01:04:14,661 --> 01:04:19,207
Now stop following my son. You
ought to be ashamed of yourselves.
989
01:04:19,374 --> 01:04:24,046
[ALL] The Messiah! The Messiah!
Show us the Messiah!
990
01:04:24,212 --> 01:04:27,049
The who? [ALL] The Messiah!
991
01:04:27,883 --> 01:04:31,511
There's no Messiah in here. There's
a mess all right, but no Messiah.
992
01:04:31,678 --> 01:04:33,138
Now go away!
993
01:04:33,347 --> 01:04:35,390
[ALL] Brian! Brian!
994
01:04:35,557 --> 01:04:37,893
Right, my lad,
what have you been up to?
995
01:04:38,143 --> 01:04:39,936
Nothing, Mum.
Come on, out with it.
996
01:04:40,145 --> 01:04:41,938
They think I'm the Messiah, Mum.
997
01:04:42,397 --> 01:04:44,566
What have you been telling them?
Nothing, I...
998
01:04:44,733 --> 01:04:47,736
You're making it worse for yourself.
Look, I can explain...
999
01:04:47,903 --> 01:04:53,075
No, let me explain, Mrs. Cohen.
Your son is a born leader!
1000
01:04:53,241 --> 01:04:56,620
Those people out there are following
him because they believe in him.
1001
01:04:56,787 --> 01:04:58,538
They believe he can
give them hope.
1002
01:04:58,705 --> 01:05:03,669
Hope of a new life,
a new world, a better future!
1003
01:05:04,586 --> 01:05:08,090
Who's that!? That's Judith, Mum.
1004
01:05:08,256 --> 01:05:11,259
Judith, Mother.
1005
01:05:14,554 --> 01:05:16,765
[CROWD] Show us the Messiah!
1006
01:05:16,932 --> 01:05:20,602
Show us the Messiah!
Show us the Messiah!
1007
01:05:20,769 --> 01:05:23,939
Now you listen here,
he's not the Messiah!
1008
01:05:24,106 --> 01:05:27,484
He's a very naughty boy!
Now go away!
1009
01:05:27,734 --> 01:05:31,613
[CROWD] Who are you?
I'm his mother, that's who.
1010
01:05:31,822 --> 01:05:36,076
[CROWD] Behold his
mother! Behold his mother!
1011
01:05:36,243 --> 01:05:39,496
Hail to thee, mother of Brian!
1012
01:05:39,705 --> 01:05:43,417
Blessed art thou! Hosanna!
1013
01:05:43,583 --> 01:05:47,963
All things to thee, now and always!
1014
01:05:48,130 --> 01:05:51,007
Now, don't think you can
get around me like that.
1015
01:05:51,216 --> 01:05:54,803
He's not coming out,
and that's my final word.
1016
01:05:55,721 --> 01:05:57,347
Now shove off!
1017
01:05:57,597 --> 01:05:58,974
[CROWD] No!
1018
01:05:59,933 --> 01:06:02,018
Did you hear what I said?
1019
01:06:02,227 --> 01:06:03,478
[CROWD] Yes!
1020
01:06:03,979 --> 01:06:07,649
Oh, I see. It's like that, is it?
[CROWD] Yes!
1021
01:06:08,859 --> 01:06:13,488
Oh, all right then, you can see him for
one minute, but not one second more!
1022
01:06:13,655 --> 01:06:16,324
Do you understand? [CROWD] Yes.
1023
01:06:16,491 --> 01:06:20,537
Promise? [CROWD] Well, all right.
1024
01:06:21,163 --> 01:06:24,332
All right, here he is then. Come
on, Brian. Come and talk to them.
1025
01:06:24,499 --> 01:06:27,210
But, Mum, Judith...
Leave that Welsh tart alone.
1026
01:06:27,377 --> 01:06:29,838
I don't really want to, Mum.
1027
01:06:30,005 --> 01:06:33,508
[CHEERING]
1028
01:06:36,845 --> 01:06:40,265
Good morning!
[CROWD] A blessing! A blessing!
1029
01:06:40,849 --> 01:06:45,353
No, please.
Please, please, listen!
1030
01:06:45,520 --> 01:06:48,273
I've got one or two
things to say.
1031
01:06:48,482 --> 01:06:50,859
[CROWD]
Tell us! Tell us both of them!
1032
01:06:51,359 --> 01:06:56,031
Look, you've got it all wrong!
You don't need to follow me.
1033
01:06:56,198 --> 01:06:59,701
You don't need to follow anybody!
1034
01:07:00,035 --> 01:07:04,748
You've got to think for yourselves.
You're all individuals!
1035
01:07:04,915 --> 01:07:08,210
[CROWD]
Yes, we're all individuals!
1036
01:07:08,376 --> 01:07:10,378
You're all different.
1037
01:07:10,587 --> 01:07:13,507
[CROWD]
Yes, we are all different!
1038
01:07:13,673 --> 01:07:15,717
I'm not. Shh.
1039
01:07:16,593 --> 01:07:20,180
You've all got to work it out
for yourselves!
1040
01:07:20,388 --> 01:07:24,434
[CROWD] Yes, we've got
to work it out for ourselves!
1041
01:07:24,726 --> 01:07:26,728
Exactly!
1042
01:07:26,895 --> 01:07:30,065
[CROWD] Tell us more!
No, that's the point!
1043
01:07:30,232 --> 01:07:33,276
Don't let anyone tell you what to do!
1044
01:07:33,443 --> 01:07:36,822
Otherwise... Oh, no!
That's enough! That's enough.
1045
01:07:38,740 --> 01:07:42,244
[CROWD] That wasn't a minute.
1046
01:07:42,410 --> 01:07:46,957
Oh, yes, it was.
[CROWD] Oh, no, it wasn't!
1047
01:07:47,207 --> 01:07:49,960
Now stop that, and go away.
1048
01:07:50,210 --> 01:07:52,254
Excuse me? [MOTHER] Yes?
1049
01:07:52,420 --> 01:07:53,755
Are you a virgin?
1050
01:07:54,464 --> 01:07:56,633
I beg your pardon?
1051
01:07:57,050 --> 01:08:01,137
Well, if it's not a personal
question, are you a virgin?
1052
01:08:01,388 --> 01:08:06,226
If it's not a personal question? How
much more personal can you get?
1053
01:08:06,393 --> 01:08:08,854
Now piss off.
1054
01:08:10,230 --> 01:08:12,607
[MAN 1] She is.
[MAN 2] Must be. Definitely.
1055
01:08:12,774 --> 01:08:15,277
[MAN 3] Definitely. Definitely.
1056
01:08:15,443 --> 01:08:17,112
[CROWD CHATTERING]
1057
01:08:18,280 --> 01:08:19,614
Morning, Saviour!
1058
01:08:19,781 --> 01:08:22,492
[CROWD PLEADING]
1059
01:08:29,124 --> 01:08:31,251
Lay your hands on me! Quick!
1060
01:08:31,418 --> 01:08:33,628
[FRANCIS] Now, don't
jostle the chosen one! Please!
1061
01:08:33,795 --> 01:08:35,005
[BABY CRYING]
1062
01:08:35,171 --> 01:08:39,467
Don't push that baby in the
Saviour's face! He'll touch it later!
1063
01:08:39,634 --> 01:08:40,802
I say...
1064
01:08:40,969 --> 01:08:43,263
Could he just see my wife?
She has a headache.
1065
01:08:43,430 --> 01:08:44,848
You'll have to wait, I'm afraid!
1066
01:08:45,015 --> 01:08:47,350
She's very bad, and we've got
a luncheon appointment!
1067
01:08:47,517 --> 01:08:49,144
Look, the lepers are queuing!
1068
01:08:49,311 --> 01:08:51,938
BEARDED [MAN] Her brother-in-law
is the ex-mayor of Gath.
1069
01:08:52,105 --> 01:08:56,026
Uh, Brian, can I introduce the gentleman
who's letting us have the mounts on Sunday?
1070
01:08:56,192 --> 01:08:58,862
Hello. Don't push!
1071
01:08:59,029 --> 01:09:02,157
Now keep the noise down, please!
1072
01:09:02,324 --> 01:09:06,995
Those possessed by devils, try and
keep them under control a bit! Can't you?
1073
01:09:07,162 --> 01:09:10,665
REG: Incurables, you'll just have
to wait for a few minutes.
1074
01:09:10,832 --> 01:09:15,003
Women taken in sin, line up
against that wall, will you?
1075
01:09:15,170 --> 01:09:16,463
[JUDITH] Brian?
1076
01:09:17,172 --> 01:09:19,799
Brian! You were fantastic!
1077
01:09:19,966 --> 01:09:23,178
You weren't so bad yourself.
No, what you said just now!
1078
01:09:23,345 --> 01:09:26,056
Quite extraordinary!
What? Oh, that. Was it?
1079
01:09:26,222 --> 01:09:30,393
We don't need any leaders! You're so right!
Reg has been dominating us for too long.
1080
01:09:30,560 --> 01:09:31,561
Well, yes...
1081
01:09:31,728 --> 01:09:34,147
It needed saying,
and you said it, Brian!
1082
01:09:34,314 --> 01:09:35,732
You're very attractive.
1083
01:09:35,941 --> 01:09:38,985
It's our revolution!
We can all do it together!
1084
01:09:39,152 --> 01:09:40,195
I think...
1085
01:09:40,362 --> 01:09:43,865
We're all behind you, Brian!
The revolution is in your hands!
1086
01:09:44,032 --> 01:09:47,369
What? No, that's not
what I meant at all!
1087
01:09:47,535 --> 01:09:50,830
You're fucking nicked,
me old beauty!
1088
01:09:50,997 --> 01:09:52,832
Right!
1089
01:09:58,880 --> 01:10:00,006
Stop it!
1090
01:10:02,842 --> 01:10:05,679
Well, Bwian, you've given us
a good wun for our money.
1091
01:10:05,845 --> 01:10:07,722
A what?
1092
01:10:07,889 --> 01:10:12,519
And this time,
I guarantee you will not escape.
1093
01:10:12,686 --> 01:10:17,399
Guard! Do we have any
cwucifixions today?
1094
01:10:17,565 --> 01:10:21,069
139, sir. Special celebration.
Passover, sir.
1095
01:10:21,236 --> 01:10:25,407
Wight! Now we have 140!
Nice wound number, eh, Biggus?
1096
01:10:28,410 --> 01:10:30,370
Hail Caesar! Hail!
1097
01:10:30,537 --> 01:10:34,416
The crowd outside are getting a bit restless,
sir. Permission to disperse them, please.
1098
01:10:35,250 --> 01:10:38,044
Disperse them?
But I haven't addressed them yet!
1099
01:10:38,211 --> 01:10:39,713
No, I know, sir, but...
1100
01:10:39,879 --> 01:10:41,799
My address is one of the
high points of Passover!
1101
01:10:41,923 --> 01:10:45,218
My friend Biggus Dickus has come
all the way from Wome to hear it!
1102
01:10:45,385 --> 01:10:48,013
Hail Caesar! Hail Thaesar!
1103
01:10:48,763 --> 01:10:51,057
You're not...?
1104
01:10:51,224 --> 01:10:54,644
You're not thinking of giving
it a miss this year, then, sir?
1105
01:10:55,395 --> 01:10:56,771
Give it a miss?!
1106
01:10:56,938 --> 01:11:00,275
Well, it's just that they're
in a rather funny mood today, sir.
1107
01:11:00,442 --> 01:11:01,568
Really, centurion!
1108
01:11:01,735 --> 01:11:05,822
I'm surpwised to hear a man like you
wattled by a wabble of wowdy webels.
1109
01:11:06,156 --> 01:11:08,825
A bit thundery, sir.
Take him away!
1110
01:11:09,034 --> 01:11:11,828
I'm a Roman!
I can prove it, honestly!
1111
01:11:12,037 --> 01:11:15,123
And cwucify him well!
1112
01:11:15,540 --> 01:11:17,417
Biggus!
1113
01:11:18,126 --> 01:11:20,587
I really wouldn't, sir!
Out of the way, centurion!
1114
01:11:20,754 --> 01:11:25,633
Let me come with you, Pontius. I may be of some
at hi stance if there ith a sudden crithis!
1115
01:11:27,469 --> 01:11:31,473
Right! Now, item four: attainment of
world supremacy within the next five years.
1116
01:11:31,639 --> 01:11:34,768
Francis, you've been working on this?
Yeah, thank you, Reg.
1117
01:11:34,934 --> 01:11:38,146
Well, quite frankly, siblings,
I think five years is optimistic,
1118
01:11:38,313 --> 01:11:41,357
unless we can smash the Roman
Empire within the next 12 months!
1119
01:11:41,566 --> 01:11:43,193
Twelve months? Yeah, 12 months.
1120
01:11:43,359 --> 01:11:47,155
And let's face it, as empires go,
this is the big one.
1121
01:11:47,322 --> 01:11:51,159
So we gotta get up off our arses
and stop just talking about it!
1122
01:11:51,326 --> 01:11:52,368
[ALL] Hear! Hear!
1123
01:11:52,577 --> 01:11:56,164
I agree! It's action that counts,
not words, and we need action now!
1124
01:11:56,790 --> 01:12:00,543
You're right. We could sit around
here all day, talking, passing resolutions,
1125
01:12:00,710 --> 01:12:04,631
making clever speeches, it's
not gonna shift one Roman soldier!
1126
01:12:04,798 --> 01:12:08,176
So let's just stop gabbing on about it!
It's completely pointless,
1127
01:12:08,343 --> 01:12:10,345
and it's getting us nowhere!
[ALL] Right!
1128
01:12:10,512 --> 01:12:12,972
I agree!
This is a complete waste of time!
1129
01:12:14,307 --> 01:12:15,517
They've arrested Brian!
1130
01:12:15,683 --> 01:12:17,685
[ALL] What?
They've dragged him off!
1131
01:12:17,852 --> 01:12:19,395
They're gonna crucify him!
1132
01:12:19,604 --> 01:12:23,066
Right! This calls
for immediate discussion!
1133
01:12:23,233 --> 01:12:24,317
What?! Immediate!
1134
01:12:24,484 --> 01:12:25,527
Right! New motion?
1135
01:12:25,693 --> 01:12:31,157
Completely new motion!
That there be immediate action...
1136
01:12:31,324 --> 01:12:32,700
Once the vote has been taken.
1137
01:12:32,867 --> 01:12:35,846
Obviously once the vote's been taken.
Can't act on a resolution till you vote...
1138
01:12:35,870 --> 01:12:38,206
Reg, let's go now, please!
Right! Right!
1139
01:12:38,373 --> 01:12:42,669
In the light of fresh information
from sibling Judith...
1140
01:12:42,836 --> 01:12:44,838
Not so fast, Reg.
Reg, for God's sake!
1141
01:12:45,004 --> 01:12:47,048
It's perfectly simple!
1142
01:12:47,215 --> 01:12:50,135
All you've gotta do is to go out
of that door now,
1143
01:12:50,343 --> 01:12:52,887
and try to stop the Romans
nailing him up!
1144
01:12:53,054 --> 01:12:54,556
It's happening, Reg!
1145
01:12:54,722 --> 01:12:59,727
Something's actually happening,
Reg! Can't you understand?
1146
01:12:59,894 --> 01:13:01,437
[SCREAMS IN FRUSTRATION]
1147
01:13:05,191 --> 01:13:06,359
Yeah, hello.
1148
01:13:06,526 --> 01:13:08,778
Another little ego trip
from the feminists.
1149
01:13:08,945 --> 01:13:11,573
What? Sorry, Loretta.
1150
01:13:11,739 --> 01:13:13,658
Read that back, would you?
1151
01:13:17,203 --> 01:13:19,873
[CHAINS RATTLING]
1152
01:13:26,796 --> 01:13:28,256
Next.
1153
01:13:28,423 --> 01:13:29,883
Crucifixion? Yes.
1154
01:13:30,049 --> 01:13:34,762
Good. Out of the door,
line on the left, one cross each.
1155
01:13:34,929 --> 01:13:36,222
Next.
1156
01:13:36,389 --> 01:13:37,599
Crucifixion? Yes.
1157
01:13:37,765 --> 01:13:43,313
Good. Out of the door, line on
the left, one cross each. Next.
1158
01:13:43,479 --> 01:13:46,482
Crucifixion? No, freedom.
1159
01:13:46,691 --> 01:13:47,942
What? Freedom for me.
1160
01:13:48,109 --> 01:13:52,447
They said I hadn't done anything, so
I could go free and live on an island.
1161
01:13:52,697 --> 01:13:55,617
Oh. That's jolly good.
Well, off you go, then.
1162
01:13:55,783 --> 01:13:58,786
No, I'm only pulling your leg.
It's crucifixion, really.
1163
01:13:58,953 --> 01:14:00,788
I see. Very good, very good.
1164
01:14:00,955 --> 01:14:02,123
Well, out of the door.
1165
01:14:02,290 --> 01:14:04,667
Out of the door,
one cross each, line on the left.
1166
01:14:04,834 --> 01:14:07,962
Line on the left. Yes, thank you.
Crucifixion?
1167
01:14:08,129 --> 01:14:09,422
Yes. Good.
1168
01:14:09,631 --> 01:14:13,134
[TRUMPETS SOUNDING
AND CROWD CHEERING]
1169
01:14:21,142 --> 01:14:22,936
[CROWD GROWS QUIET]
1170
01:14:23,478 --> 01:14:26,481
People of Jerusalem!
1171
01:14:28,233 --> 01:14:31,152
Wome is your fwiend!
1172
01:14:31,319 --> 01:14:33,446
[LAUGHTER]
1173
01:14:36,241 --> 01:14:40,036
To prove our friendship,
it is customary at this time
1174
01:14:40,245 --> 01:14:43,331
to we lease a wongdoer
from our prisons.
1175
01:14:43,498 --> 01:14:44,832
[CROWD LAUGHS]
1176
01:14:44,999 --> 01:14:46,000
[SNICKERS]
1177
01:14:48,753 --> 01:14:52,715
Whom would you have me we lease?
1178
01:14:52,882 --> 01:14:55,885
Release Woger! [CROWD] Yeah!
1179
01:14:56,052 --> 01:14:59,847
[CROWD]
Release Woger! Release Woger!
1180
01:15:02,684 --> 01:15:07,355
Very well,
I shall we lease Woger!
1181
01:15:07,522 --> 01:15:10,233
[CROWD] Yeah!
1182
01:15:10,400 --> 01:15:12,652
Sir, we don't have a Woger, sir.
1183
01:15:12,819 --> 01:15:16,698
What?
We don't have anyone of that name.
1184
01:15:16,864 --> 01:15:19,701
Ah. We have no Woger!
1185
01:15:19,867 --> 01:15:22,495
[CROWD] Aww.
1186
01:15:22,662 --> 01:15:24,414
But what about Wodewick, then?
1187
01:15:24,580 --> 01:15:27,709
[CROWD] Yeah! Release Wodewick!
Release Wodewick!
1188
01:15:27,875 --> 01:15:28,918
[CROWD LAUGHING]
1189
01:15:29,085 --> 01:15:33,881
Centurion, why do they titter so?
1190
01:15:35,049 --> 01:15:37,802
Just some Jewish joke, sir.
1191
01:15:39,220 --> 01:15:42,348
Are they wagging me?
1192
01:15:43,891 --> 01:15:46,185
Oh, no, sir!
1193
01:15:46,352 --> 01:15:47,395
[SNICKERS]
1194
01:15:47,562 --> 01:15:50,690
Very well. I shall
we lease Wodewick!
1195
01:15:50,857 --> 01:15:51,899
[CROWD LAUGHS]
1196
01:15:52,066 --> 01:15:53,943
Sir, we don't have
a Roderick either.
1197
01:15:54,110 --> 01:15:57,238
No Woger, no Wodewick?
Sorry, sir.
1198
01:15:57,405 --> 01:15:58,605
Who is this Wod...? [SNICKERS]
1199
01:15:58,823 --> 01:16:02,243
Who is this Wodewick
to whom you refer?
1200
01:16:02,410 --> 01:16:03,911
He is a wobber!
1201
01:16:04,078 --> 01:16:05,204
[CROWD LAUGHS]
1202
01:16:05,371 --> 01:16:08,082
[MAN] And a wapist!
1203
01:16:08,541 --> 01:16:12,337
And a pickpocket!
Yeah... No, no.
1204
01:16:13,629 --> 01:16:15,465
He sounds a notorious criminal.
1205
01:16:15,631 --> 01:16:17,425
We haven't got him, sir.
1206
01:16:18,426 --> 01:16:20,261
Do we have anyone
in our prisons?
1207
01:16:20,428 --> 01:16:22,263
We've got a Samson, sir. Samson?
1208
01:16:22,430 --> 01:16:27,435
Samson the Sadducee Strangler, sir.
Silas the Syrian Assassin.
1209
01:16:27,602 --> 01:16:31,439
Several seditious scribes
from Caesarea.
1210
01:16:31,606 --> 01:16:32,648
Sixty-seven...
1211
01:16:32,857 --> 01:16:35,234
Let me thpeak to them, Pontiuth!
Oh, no!
1212
01:16:35,401 --> 01:16:36,903
Good idea, Biggus!
1213
01:16:37,070 --> 01:16:41,157
Citizenth! We have Thamson
the Thadducee Thtrangler,
1214
01:16:41,407 --> 01:16:43,785
Thilas the Athyrian Athathin,
[CROWD LAUGHING]
1215
01:16:43,951 --> 01:16:47,955
Theveral theditious thcribes
from Thaetharea, and...
1216
01:16:48,122 --> 01:16:49,916
Next.
1217
01:16:50,375 --> 01:16:52,460
Crucifixion? Yes.
1218
01:16:52,627 --> 01:16:56,798
Good. Out of the door, line on
the left, one cross each. Jailer?
1219
01:16:56,964 --> 01:17:00,635
Excuse me? There's been a mistake.
Just a moment, would you? Jailer?
1220
01:17:00,802 --> 01:17:04,806
How many have come through?
What?
1221
01:17:04,972 --> 01:17:07,809
How many have come through?
1222
01:17:07,975 --> 01:17:08,976
What?
1223
01:17:09,143 --> 01:17:12,188
[STUTTERING]
You'll have to speak...
1224
01:17:15,108 --> 01:17:18,778
Speak up, sir. He's... He's d...
1225
01:17:18,945 --> 01:17:22,990
He's deaf...
Deaf as a post, sir.
1226
01:17:23,157 --> 01:17:26,953
[LOUDLY]
How many have come through?
1227
01:17:27,829 --> 01:17:29,997
[CHUCKLING]
1228
01:17:30,164 --> 01:17:32,834
Oh, dear. I make it 90...
1229
01:17:33,000 --> 01:17:34,669
Ninety...
1230
01:17:34,836 --> 01:17:36,337
Ninety...
1231
01:17:37,505 --> 01:17:39,465
Ninety-six, sir.
1232
01:17:39,632 --> 01:17:42,135
It's such a senseless waste
of human life, isn't it?
1233
01:17:42,301 --> 01:17:44,470
No, sir!
1234
01:17:44,637 --> 01:17:48,683
Not with these b...
Bastards, sir!
1235
01:17:54,689 --> 01:17:56,899
Crucifixion's too good
for them, sir.
1236
01:17:57,066 --> 01:17:59,652
I don't think you could say
it's too good for them. It's nasty!
1237
01:17:59,819 --> 01:18:01,946
It's not as n...
1238
01:18:04,866 --> 01:18:08,202
Not as nasty as something
I just thought up, sir.
1239
01:18:08,369 --> 01:18:11,539
Now, crucifixion?
Is there someone I could speak to?
1240
01:18:11,706 --> 01:18:15,042
Well...
I know where to get it if you want it.
1241
01:18:15,209 --> 01:18:19,380
What?
Don't worry about him, sir. He's de...
1242
01:18:22,008 --> 01:18:24,510
He's deaf and mad, sir.
1243
01:18:24,677 --> 01:18:26,345
Well, how did he get the job?
1244
01:18:26,512 --> 01:18:28,890
Bloody Pilate's pet, sir!
1245
01:18:29,056 --> 01:18:33,186
Get a move on, big nose! There's
people waiting to be crucified out here!
1246
01:18:33,686 --> 01:18:35,521
Could I see a lawyer or someone?
1247
01:18:35,688 --> 01:18:37,732
Do you have a lawyer?
No, but I'm a Roman.
1248
01:18:37,899 --> 01:18:40,359
How about a retrial?
We've got plenty of time.
1249
01:18:40,860 --> 01:18:43,070
Shut up, you!
Miserable, bloody Romans!
1250
01:18:43,237 --> 01:18:45,406
No sense of humour.
1251
01:18:45,573 --> 01:18:46,574
Sorry, bit of a hurry.
1252
01:18:46,741 --> 01:18:51,245
Can you go straight out, line on
the left, one cross each? Now...
1253
01:18:51,412 --> 01:18:53,706
[CROWD LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY]
1254
01:19:00,087 --> 01:19:03,257
Wath it thomething I thaid?
1255
01:19:04,926 --> 01:19:08,930
Silence!
1256
01:19:09,096 --> 01:19:11,766
This man commands
a cwack legion!
1257
01:19:11,933 --> 01:19:13,392
Cwack! Cwack!
1258
01:19:13,559 --> 01:19:17,063
[LAUGHING]
1259
01:19:17,230 --> 01:19:18,940
He wanks as high as any in Wome!
1260
01:19:19,106 --> 01:19:22,985
[CROWD LAUGHING]
1261
01:19:23,152 --> 01:19:24,445
[CLEARS THROAT]
1262
01:19:25,029 --> 01:19:26,531
Crucifixion party?
1263
01:19:28,616 --> 01:19:29,617
Morning.
1264
01:19:29,784 --> 01:19:34,163
Now, we will be on show as we go through
the town, so let's not let the side down!
1265
01:19:34,330 --> 01:19:37,583
Keep in a straight line, three lengths
between you and the man in front,
1266
01:19:37,750 --> 01:19:39,585
and a good, steady pace.
1267
01:19:39,752 --> 01:19:43,506
Crosses over your left shoulders,
and if you keep your backs hard up
1268
01:19:43,673 --> 01:19:45,675
against the crossbeam
you'll be there in no time.
1269
01:19:45,841 --> 01:19:47,176
[GROANS]
1270
01:19:47,343 --> 01:19:48,469
All right, centurion.
1271
01:19:48,636 --> 01:19:50,930
Crucifixion party!
1272
01:19:51,097 --> 01:19:53,099
Wait for it.
1273
01:19:53,266 --> 01:19:55,643
Crucifixion party!
1274
01:19:55,810 --> 01:19:59,939
By the left! Forward!
1275
01:20:00,106 --> 01:20:03,025
[PARTY GROANING]
1276
01:20:03,192 --> 01:20:05,695
PRISONER: You lucky bastards!
1277
01:20:07,154 --> 01:20:10,825
You lucky, jabby bastards!
1278
01:20:17,832 --> 01:20:19,041
[MOANS]
1279
01:20:19,208 --> 01:20:22,169
Let me shoulder
your burden, brother!
1280
01:20:22,336 --> 01:20:25,506
Thank you.
1281
01:20:25,673 --> 01:20:28,718
Hey! Hey!
What do you think you're doing?
1282
01:20:28,884 --> 01:20:30,011
It's not my cross...
1283
01:20:30,177 --> 01:20:34,348
Shut up and get on with it!
Come on!
1284
01:20:34,515 --> 01:20:39,020
He had you there, mate, didn't he?
That'll teach you a lesson!
1285
01:20:39,687 --> 01:20:41,856
All wight!
1286
01:20:42,023 --> 01:20:44,317
I will give you one more chance!
1287
01:20:44,483 --> 01:20:50,698
This time I want to hear
no Wubens, no Weginalds,
1288
01:20:50,865 --> 01:20:53,909
no Wudolf the
Wed-nosed Weindeers.
1289
01:20:54,118 --> 01:20:56,078
No Thpenther Trathys!
1290
01:20:56,245 --> 01:20:58,205
Or we shall we lease no one!
1291
01:20:58,372 --> 01:21:00,041
Release Brian!
1292
01:21:00,207 --> 01:21:01,584
Yeah, that's a good one!
1293
01:21:01,751 --> 01:21:03,669
Welease Bwian!
1294
01:21:03,836 --> 01:21:05,230
[CROWD]
Release Bwian! Release Bwian!
1295
01:21:05,254 --> 01:21:06,505
[LAUGHING]
1296
01:21:07,423 --> 01:21:09,342
Very well! That's it!
1297
01:21:09,508 --> 01:21:11,844
Sir, we have got a Brian, sir.
What?
1298
01:21:12,011 --> 01:21:17,224
You just sent him for crucifixion, sir!
Wait! Wait! We do have a Bwian.
1299
01:21:17,391 --> 01:21:20,686
Well, go and free him, straight away!
Yes, sir. Yes, sir.
1300
01:21:23,064 --> 01:21:28,944
Very well. I shall we lease Bwian!
1301
01:21:32,531 --> 01:21:35,034
Get a move on, there! Or what?
1302
01:21:35,201 --> 01:21:36,452
Or you'll be in trouble!
1303
01:21:36,661 --> 01:21:41,040
Oh, dear. You mean I might have to
give up being crucified in the afternoons?
1304
01:21:41,207 --> 01:21:43,584
Shut up!
That would be a blow, wouldn't it?
1305
01:21:43,751 --> 01:21:45,711
I wouldn't have nothing to do!
1306
01:21:45,878 --> 01:21:47,296
Oh, thank you!
1307
01:21:50,424 --> 01:21:52,593
Are they gone?
1308
01:21:53,427 --> 01:21:57,723
We've got lumps of it
around the back.
1309
01:21:57,890 --> 01:21:58,933
What?
1310
01:21:59,100 --> 01:22:01,811
Don't worry about him, sir,
he's ma...
1311
01:22:06,899 --> 01:22:10,319
He's mad, sir. Have they gone?
1312
01:22:10,903 --> 01:22:14,949
Oh! Ju... N... N...
1313
01:22:15,116 --> 01:22:19,495
N... Nuh... Nuh... Nuh...
1314
01:22:19,704 --> 01:22:22,707
Oh, come on. Yes, sir.
1315
01:22:23,290 --> 01:22:27,253
Anyway, get on with the story.
Well, I never really liked them, so I...
1316
01:22:28,337 --> 01:22:31,090
Right! The motion to get on with it
passed with one abstention.
1317
01:22:31,257 --> 01:22:33,676
I propose we go without further ado.
May I have a second?
1318
01:22:33,843 --> 01:22:36,011
Let's just go. Yeah.
1319
01:22:51,652 --> 01:22:56,323
Bloody Romans!
Watch it! Still a few crosses left!
1320
01:22:58,033 --> 01:23:00,661
Up you go, big nose!
1321
01:23:00,828 --> 01:23:02,496
I'll get you for this, you bastard!
1322
01:23:02,663 --> 01:23:06,125
Oh, yeah!
Don't worry. I never forget a face.
1323
01:23:06,292 --> 01:23:07,835
No? I warn you.
1324
01:23:08,002 --> 01:23:11,297
I'm gonna punch you so hard,
you Roman git!
1325
01:23:11,464 --> 01:23:13,632
Shut up, you Jewish turd!
1326
01:23:13,799 --> 01:23:17,845
Who are you calling Jewish?
I'm not Jewish, I'm a Samaritan!
1327
01:23:18,012 --> 01:23:20,973
A Samaritan? This is supposed
to be a Jewish section!
1328
01:23:21,140 --> 01:23:24,852
It doesn't matter! You're
all gonna die in a day or two!
1329
01:23:25,019 --> 01:23:28,481
It may not matter to you, but it
matters to us. Doesn't it, darling?
1330
01:23:28,647 --> 01:23:29,857
Oh, rather!
1331
01:23:30,024 --> 01:23:32,067
Under the terms
of the Roman occupancy,
1332
01:23:32,318 --> 01:23:35,321
we're entitled to be crucified
in a purely Jewish area.
1333
01:23:35,488 --> 01:23:37,656
[CRUCIFIED MAN 1]
Pharisees separate from Sadducees!
1334
01:23:37,823 --> 01:23:39,909
[CRUCIFIED MAN 2]
And Swedish separate from Welsh!
1335
01:23:41,494 --> 01:23:45,039
All right, all right, all right!
We'll soon settle this!
1336
01:23:45,206 --> 01:23:48,584
Hands up, all those who
don't want to be crucified here!
1337
01:23:48,793 --> 01:23:50,711
[STRAINING AND GRUNTING]
1338
01:23:50,878 --> 01:23:52,713
Right! Next!
1339
01:23:52,880 --> 01:23:56,008
Look, it's not my cross. What?!
1340
01:23:56,175 --> 01:23:58,427
It's not my cross,
I was holding it for someone.
1341
01:23:58,594 --> 01:24:00,638
Just lie down,
I haven't got all day!
1342
01:24:00,805 --> 01:24:03,182
Of course.
Look, I hate to make a fuss...
1343
01:24:03,349 --> 01:24:06,435
Look, we've had a busy day,
and there's 140 of you lot to get up.
1344
01:24:06,602 --> 01:24:09,063
Is he Jewish?
Will you be quiet?!
1345
01:24:09,230 --> 01:24:11,398
We don't want any more
Samaritans around here.
1346
01:24:11,565 --> 01:24:12,775
Belt up!
1347
01:24:12,942 --> 01:24:14,985
Will you let me down
if he comes back?
1348
01:24:15,152 --> 01:24:16,570
Yeah, yeah, we'll let you down.
1349
01:24:16,737 --> 01:24:18,364
Next! You don't have to do this!
1350
01:24:18,531 --> 01:24:22,618
You don't have to take orders!
I like orders.
1351
01:24:44,431 --> 01:24:47,226
See? Not so bad once you're up.
1352
01:24:48,143 --> 01:24:52,064
You're being rescued then, are you?
It's a bit late for that now, isn't it?
1353
01:24:52,231 --> 01:24:54,149
No, we've got a couple
of days up here.
1354
01:24:54,358 --> 01:24:56,443
Plenty of time.
Lots of people get rescued.
1355
01:24:56,610 --> 01:24:58,070
Oh?
1356
01:24:58,237 --> 01:24:59,822
Oh, yeah. My brother
usually rescues me.
1357
01:24:59,989 --> 01:25:02,825
If he can keep off the tail
for more than 20 minutes.
1358
01:25:02,992 --> 01:25:05,828
Randy little bugger. Up and
down like the Assyrian Empire.
1359
01:25:05,995 --> 01:25:07,121
[LAUGHS]
1360
01:25:11,917 --> 01:25:14,295
Hello. Your family arrived then?
1361
01:25:14,461 --> 01:25:15,504
Reg!
1362
01:25:15,671 --> 01:25:18,966
Hello, sibling Brian.
Thank God you've come, Reg.
1363
01:25:19,133 --> 01:25:23,637
I think I should point out in fairness
that we are not the rescue committee.
1364
01:25:23,804 --> 01:25:26,807
However, I have been asked to
read this prepared statement
1365
01:25:26,974 --> 01:25:28,642
on behalf of the movement.
1366
01:25:28,809 --> 01:25:32,104
We, the People's Front of Judea,
brackets, officials, end brackets,
1367
01:25:32,271 --> 01:25:36,775
do hereby convey our sincere fraternal
and sisterly greetings to you, Brian,
1368
01:25:36,942 --> 01:25:39,445
on this, the occasion
of your martyrdom.
1369
01:25:39,612 --> 01:25:40,821
What?
1370
01:25:40,988 --> 01:25:43,991
Your death will stand as a landmark
in the continuing struggle to liberate
1371
01:25:44,158 --> 01:25:47,661
the parent land from the hands
of the Roman imperialist aggressors,
1372
01:25:47,828 --> 01:25:51,040
excluding those concerned with
drainage, medicine, roads, housing,
1373
01:25:51,206 --> 01:25:55,669
education. And any other Romans
contributing to the welfare of Jews
1374
01:25:55,836 --> 01:25:58,339
of both sexes
and hermaphrodites.
1375
01:25:58,505 --> 01:26:01,467
Signed, On behalf of the PFJ,
et cetera.
1376
01:26:01,634 --> 01:26:04,720
And I'd just like to add, on
a personal note, my own admiration
1377
01:26:04,929 --> 01:26:10,309
for what you're doing for us and what must
be, after all, for you, a difficult time.
1378
01:26:10,476 --> 01:26:14,855
Reg! What are you going to do?
Goodbye, Brian. And thanks.
1379
01:26:16,732 --> 01:26:18,734
All right, Brian.
Keep it up, lad.
1380
01:26:18,943 --> 01:26:21,362
Terrific work, Brian.
1381
01:26:23,864 --> 01:26:26,492
[CONVERSING INDISTINCTLY]
1382
01:26:26,659 --> 01:26:28,661
Right. And:
1383
01:26:28,827 --> 01:26:30,871
[TOGETHER]
♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪
1384
01:26:31,038 --> 01:26:33,082
♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪
1385
01:26:33,248 --> 01:26:36,043
♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪
1386
01:26:36,210 --> 01:26:38,212
♪ And so say all of us ♪
1387
01:26:38,379 --> 01:26:41,048
♪ And so say all of... ♪
1388
01:26:44,176 --> 01:26:47,346
You bastards! You bastards!
1389
01:26:47,513 --> 01:26:50,599
Where is Brian of Nazareth?
[BRIAN] You sanctimonious bastards!
1390
01:26:50,766 --> 01:26:54,728
I have an order for his release.
You stupid bastards!
1391
01:26:54,895 --> 01:26:56,897
I'm Brian of Nazareth. What?
1392
01:26:57,064 --> 01:26:58,774
I'm Brian of Nazareth.
Take him down!
1393
01:26:58,983 --> 01:27:00,693
I'm Brian of Nazareth!
1394
01:27:01,276 --> 01:27:03,904
I'm Brian! I'm Brian!
1395
01:27:04,071 --> 01:27:05,948
Look, look, I'm Brian!
1396
01:27:06,115 --> 01:27:09,243
I'm Brian!
I'm Brian and so is my wife!
1397
01:27:09,410 --> 01:27:12,121
[ALL] I'm Brian!
1398
01:27:12,287 --> 01:27:13,747
Right! Take him away
and release him!
1399
01:27:13,914 --> 01:27:16,917
No, I'm only joking.
I'm not really Brian.
1400
01:27:17,084 --> 01:27:20,254
No, I'm not Brian! I was only...
It was a joke.
1401
01:27:20,421 --> 01:27:23,048
I'm only pulling your leg!
It's a joke!
1402
01:27:23,215 --> 01:27:25,592
I'm not him,
I'm just having you on!
1403
01:27:25,759 --> 01:27:29,513
Put me back!
Bloody Romans, can't take a joke.
1404
01:27:31,765 --> 01:27:33,892
[TRUMPETS SOUNDING]
1405
01:27:39,440 --> 01:27:41,233
The Judean People's Front!
1406
01:27:42,276 --> 01:27:44,611
[CENTURION]
The Judean People's Front!
1407
01:27:44,778 --> 01:27:48,615
Forward, all!
1408
01:27:51,785 --> 01:27:53,996
[ASSISTANT 2] Look out!
The Judean People's Front!
1409
01:27:54,163 --> 01:27:56,957
[ASSISTANT 3]
The Judean People's Front!
1410
01:27:57,124 --> 01:27:59,752
[ASSISTANT 4]
The Judean People's Front!
1411
01:28:03,797 --> 01:28:08,969
We are the Judean People's Front,
crack suicide squad.
1412
01:28:09,136 --> 01:28:13,474
Suicide squad, attack!
1413
01:28:21,982 --> 01:28:24,985
That showed them, huh?
1414
01:28:25,819 --> 01:28:28,322
You silly sods!
1415
01:28:28,489 --> 01:28:30,199
[JUDITH] Brian!
1416
01:28:30,365 --> 01:28:34,036
Brian! Brian! Brian!
1417
01:28:34,203 --> 01:28:36,288
Judith!
1418
01:28:36,455 --> 01:28:42,211
Terrific! Great! Reg explained it to me,
and I think it's great what you're doing.
1419
01:28:42,377 --> 01:28:46,840
Thank you, Brian.
I'll never forget you.
1420
01:28:55,140 --> 01:28:57,851
So there you are!
1421
01:28:58,018 --> 01:29:00,229
I might have known
it would end up like this.
1422
01:29:00,395 --> 01:29:04,399
Just think of all the love
and affection I've wasted on you!
1423
01:29:04,608 --> 01:29:07,319
Well, if that's how you treat
your poor, old mother
1424
01:29:07,486 --> 01:29:10,864
in the autumn years of her life,
all I can say is:
1425
01:29:11,031 --> 01:29:15,077
Go ahead. Be crucified.
See if I care.
1426
01:29:15,244 --> 01:29:20,332
I might have known. Mum! Mum!
1427
01:29:20,499 --> 01:29:22,668
I don't know what
the world is coming to.
1428
01:29:27,923 --> 01:29:29,508
[CRUCIFIED MAN 3]
Cheer up, Brian!
1429
01:29:29,675 --> 01:29:31,885
You know what they say?
1430
01:29:32,052 --> 01:29:34,847
Some things in life are bad.
1431
01:29:35,013 --> 01:29:37,599
They can really make you mad.
1432
01:29:37,766 --> 01:29:41,687
Other things just make
you swear and curse.
1433
01:29:41,895 --> 01:29:44,231
♪ When you're chewing ♪
♪ On life's gristle ♪
1434
01:29:44,398 --> 01:29:47,860
♪ Don't grumble Give a whistle ♪
1435
01:29:48,026 --> 01:29:52,406
♪ And this'll help things ♪
♪ Turn out for the best ♪
1436
01:29:52,573 --> 01:29:54,241
♪ And ♪
1437
01:29:54,408 --> 01:29:59,079
♪ Always look ♪
♪ On the bright side of life ♪
1438
01:29:59,246 --> 01:30:02,624
[WHISTLING]
1439
01:30:02,791 --> 01:30:07,379
♪ Always look on ♪
♪ The light side of life ♪
1440
01:30:07,546 --> 01:30:09,923
[WHISTLING]
1441
01:30:10,090 --> 01:30:12,134
♪ If life seems jolly rotten ♪
1442
01:30:12,301 --> 01:30:14,094
♪ There's something ♪
♪ You've forgotten ♪
1443
01:30:14,261 --> 01:30:17,973
♪ And that's to laugh and smile ♪
♪ And dance and sing ♪
1444
01:30:18,182 --> 01:30:19,975
♪ When you're feeling ♪
♪ In the dumps ♪
1445
01:30:20,184 --> 01:30:22,394
♪ Don't be silly chumps ♪
1446
01:30:22,561 --> 01:30:25,606
♪ Just purse your lips and whistle ♪
♪ That's the thing ♪
1447
01:30:25,772 --> 01:30:30,903
♪ And always look on ♪
♪ The bright side of life ♪
1448
01:30:31,069 --> 01:30:32,237
[WHISTLING]
1449
01:30:32,404 --> 01:30:34,281
Come on! [OTHERS WHISTLING]
1450
01:30:34,615 --> 01:30:39,119
♪ [ALL] Always look on ♪
♪ The right side of life ♪
1451
01:30:39,286 --> 01:30:42,289
[ALL WHISTLING]
1452
01:30:42,456 --> 01:30:44,249
♪ For life is quite absurd ♪
1453
01:30:44,416 --> 01:30:46,126
♪ And death's the final word ♪
1454
01:30:46,293 --> 01:30:50,088
♪ You must always face ♪
♪ The curtain with a bow ♪
1455
01:30:50,255 --> 01:30:52,132
♪ Forget about your sin ♪
1456
01:30:52,299 --> 01:30:54,343
♪ Give the audience a grin ♪
1457
01:30:54,509 --> 01:30:57,638
♪ [ALL] Enjoy it It's your ♪
♪ last chance anyhow ♪
1458
01:30:57,804 --> 01:31:03,477
♪ So always look on ♪
♪ The bright side of death ♪
1459
01:31:03,644 --> 01:31:06,605
[WHISTLING]
1460
01:31:06,772 --> 01:31:11,485
♪ Just before ♪
♪ You draw your terminal breath ♪
1461
01:31:11,652 --> 01:31:14,488
[WHISTLING]
1462
01:31:14,655 --> 01:31:16,490
♪ Life's a piece of shit ♪
1463
01:31:16,657 --> 01:31:18,450
♪ When you look at it ♪
1464
01:31:18,617 --> 01:31:22,329
♪ Life's a laugh and death's a joke ♪
♪ It's true ♪
1465
01:31:22,496 --> 01:31:24,164
♪ You'll see it's all a show ♪
1466
01:31:24,331 --> 01:31:26,208
♪ Keep on laughing as you go ♪
1467
01:31:26,375 --> 01:31:30,045
♪ Just remember that ♪
♪ The last laugh is on you ♪
1468
01:31:30,254 --> 01:31:36,510
♪ [ALL] And always look ♪
♪ on The bright side of life ♪
1469
01:31:36,760 --> 01:31:38,679
[WHISTLING]
1470
01:31:38,845 --> 01:31:43,850
♪ Always look on ♪
♪ The right side of life ♪
1471
01:31:44,017 --> 01:31:46,728
Come on, Brian! Cheer up!
[OTHERS WHISTLING]
1472
01:31:46,895 --> 01:31:51,525
♪ Always look ♪
♪ On the bright side of life ♪
1473
01:31:51,692 --> 01:31:54,569
[WHISTLING]
1474
01:31:54,778 --> 01:31:59,533
♪ Always look ♪
♪ On the bright side of life ♪
1475
01:31:59,700 --> 01:32:02,661
[CRUCIFIED MAN 3] Worse
things happen at sea, you know?
1476
01:32:02,828 --> 01:32:05,914
♪ Always look ♪
♪ On the bright side of life ♪
1477
01:32:06,081 --> 01:32:08,542
What have you got to lose?
You come from nothing,
1478
01:32:08,709 --> 01:32:10,711
you're going back to nothing,
what have you lost?
1479
01:32:10,877 --> 01:32:12,212
Nothing!
1480
01:32:12,379 --> 01:32:15,882
♪ Always look ♪
♪ On the bright side of life ♪
1481
01:32:16,049 --> 01:32:18,719
Nothing will come from nothing,
you know what they say?
1482
01:32:18,885 --> 01:32:20,512
Cheer up, you old bugger!
1483
01:32:20,679 --> 01:32:23,223
Come on! Give us a grin!
There you are!
1484
01:32:23,390 --> 01:32:28,562
See? The end of the film. Incidentally,
this record is available in the foyer.
1485
01:32:29,313 --> 01:32:32,691
Some of us have got to live
as well, you know?
1486
01:32:32,858 --> 01:32:35,777
Who do you think pays
for all this rubbish?
1487
01:32:35,944 --> 01:32:38,572
They're not gonna make
their money back, you know.
1488
01:32:38,739 --> 01:32:40,532
I told them. I said to him.
1489
01:32:40,699 --> 01:32:42,719
Bernie, I said, they'll
never make their money back.
1490
01:32:42,743 --> 01:32:47,080
♪ Always look on ♪
♪ The bright side of life ♪
114992
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