All language subtitles for Paul.Merson.A.Walk.Through.My.Life.2022.1080p.WEBRip.x264-CBFM

This programme contains struggles
with gambling and addiction.

BIRDSONG

People know me as ex-England
and Arsenal footballer.

Oh, cheers, Paul. Is that all right?
Thank you. Pleasure.

But in more recent years,

with my struggles with drinking
and gambling.

DOG BARKS

Hiya, morning.

A short time ago, I was asked
to take a walk in Yorkshire.

A beautiful spot close
to where I once lived.

Sounded great. A walk in the park.

But what happened and what
I discovered surprised me

and will stay with me for
the rest of my life.

Beautiful morning.

This is unreal.

You know, the wealthiest people in
the world are

the people that live in the moment.

Cos so many people worry about
yesterday and tomorrow

and it's all about today,

and just taking this kind
of stuff in.

It just passes us by every day
really, this kind of stuff.

How times change.

A few years back, I was just getting
in now.

I mean, the sound I used to hear
every morning was the rattling

of the milk bottles when I was just
getting in, going to bed.

To stand here four, five,
six years ago

and I wouldn't have been able
to see any of this.

And now, being in the present,

being in the moment, it's just
amazing, absolutely beautiful.

Starting above Lastingham in

the North York Moors, I'll pass
through the village

and head west along Spaunton Moor
to Hutton-le-Hole,

a quirky Yorkshire village with
a rich heritage.

Then onwards and upwards to The Nab

and across Douthwaite Dale,
before finishing at

the surprise view in Gillamoor.

Although I'm walking by myself,
I'm carrying this camera on

a selfie stick, which films me
and everything around me.

RAIN PATTERS

I don't mind this weather.

I can't believe how quickly the
clouds have come

straight over from over
the hills there.

It's nice to be out.

I am a morning person - I do,

I do like getting up early in
the mornings,

but I don't get
to go on these kind of walks.

I've got a one-year-old,

a four-year-old
and a seven-year-old,

so when the kids get up in
the morning,

a couple of cups of coffee

and just have a little 15 minutes on
my own before

the manic starts at home
before school.

And then, try and get a walk
with my wife, Kate,

and the baby.

But that's through the town
where we live and we try

and do a couple of miles
a day if we can.

But it's nothing like this, I mean,
this is absolutely amazing.

I don't know what they call
that stuff, but you don't

want to get on that in
a golf course.

What you find strange is that
I can hear

the rain hitting my jacket.

At home, when we're walking,
you don't really hear that

cos of the cars and the traffic
and, and the hustle and bustle.

See how quiet it is and serene.

It's so nice to be out here today

and living in the moment.
Being present.

I haven't had it too much in my
life, if I'm being honest.

You know, nearly 54 and,

and today, I've,
at this moment I have that.

To have that calmness is something
that I've searched

for all my life really.

You know, even I can feel

the rain whacking against my face
now and it's nice. It's nice.

Uh...

Right. Let me see how
I'm going to do this.

SPLASH

Oh, no!

No, Paul.

Right. Here we go.

# One... One, two, three
One, two, three, four, five

# Six, seven, eight
Nine, ten

# Six, seven, eight, nine, ten. #

Argh! Aargh!

HE LAUGHS

See, that's what
happens when you get

the London boy walking in
the countryside.

But, all OK.

Oh!

HE SIGHS

Right. Composure.

HE LAUGHS

You've got to laugh at yourself.

If you don't laugh at yourself,
you've got no chance.

You know I have eight,
I have eight children.

I've been married three times,
you know, through addictions.

I used to think I was a...

I always thought of myself as
a good dad.

You know, I think the kids would
say, "My dad, he tries his hardest."

I wasn't a great husband.

I'm just learning to be a,

a good husband now,
if I'm being honest,

where you meet halfway.

Every day I do try my hardest

and that's only cos
of my addictions

and what it's done
to my head really.

I was a very nervous kid.

I struggled with attachment really,
always wanting to be with my dad.

I got very nervous on
a football pitch.

Nowadays, I think we'd say it was
anxiety, which,

probably in them days, wasn't
really used as a word.

I went to the doctor's one day
and my mum said,

"He keeps on getting palpitations
and can't breathe."

The doctor just said straight away
"Stop playing football."

And I carried on playing,
I'd become to cope with that,

and then I found gambling
and drinking and...

it just took me into
a different world really.

Give me confidence, belief,

took away my worry, for the moment.

I mean, there's a bull in this
field, I mean...

..I've got a red rucksack on
and that's a bull.

I played football,

I'm not the bravest,
I'm not going to lie.

I never bet to win lorry-loads
of money really.

I thought I did but...it just took
me out the way I felt

and that carried on and then,
you start drinking

and gambling and then, all of
a sudden, you finish,

you don't come home,
you let people down round you.

You let everybody down.

And then, you lose that
self-worth, you know,

your respect and then,
you hate yourself.

Uh...

Yeah, and, and then, you know what?

You think, I don't
want to feel like this.

I don't want to feel worthless,
you know, and lose my respect.

And then you think, right,
what can I do? And you go,

you know what I do.

I go and have a drink and a bet
again cos that

takes me out the way I feel.

And it's just a spiral.

It's just a spiral,
it's just...constant.

For all the money that you lose
in gambling,

it's not the money, you know,
it's, it's time.

You lose time. You know,

you miss out on things like this,
you know, I've...

You know, I, I see things now.

I never used to see things

and I don't think people understand
that when you're in addictions.

You don't see stuff.

It's like...I see everything around
me today,

I'm aware.

You know, I have a big tree
in our garden

and I've only just realised now

that the leaves on
the tree change colours,

and I'd never, ever seen that.

And if you see our garden,
you'd go, "That's impossible."

Addiction took me away from this
kind of stuff.

And this is the first time
I've ever, ever done this,

walked in the big countryside.

BIRDSONG

Birds singing, serene.

HORSES CLOP, LADIES CHATTER

Morning. Morning. Morning.

Oh, it's come alive,
this little village.

You're seeing people around now,
all getting out at

the morning. Chatting away,

probably everybody knows each other.

BIRDSONG

It's a lot of things coming
back now, like,

father-in-law passed away not
long ago and...

you know, and it not really sunk in,
if I'm being honest.

And my wife has definitely,
course, it's her dad, but...

he was a good man and...

Well, a great man, not a good man,
a great man.

GATE SQUEAKS

And just coming

and walking now...

..really hitting home...
that he's gone.

Sometimes...I can be a bit...
a bit cold.

That's what my addictions has done
to me really.

And it's just hitting home
being here,

not with the hustle and bustle and,

and being able to...

GATE CLANGS

really...sit

with my feelings, which
I don't really usually get to do.

Just...I should be there
for my wife a lot more.

Welcome to St Mary's.
It's a lovely morning now.

It's absolutely beautiful out, yeah.

Are you OK? You having a good
morning? Uh, well,

we're going to have a service at
about quarter to 11,

but plenty of time for you
to wander around. Brilliant.

Can I sit down for five minutes
and just...?

Of course you can. Sit wherever
you like. Thank you very much.

It's nice to have peace
and quiet in church.

I know, yeah. Thank you.

Yeah, and I just...
Addiction makes you cold.

Looking back now, I haven't,
I haven't really...had,

hadn't had death in the family.
Thank God my mum

and dad are still alive,
and my brothers and sisters

and the kids and...

and friends, and I don't...

Maybe I haven't been there enough

for my wife in her time of need
with her dad.

Cos I, I haven't really
understood it.

If someone talked
to me about addictions for,

you know, I can sit and talk for
days and days cos I know about it,

and I've had experiences about it,

but I haven't had experiences
about death.

And I've, I have found it hard

and probably haven't been there
for my wife as much.

But again, it's only when
you come away

and you sit with your feelings...
that I understand that now

and I will be there.
I am there for her

but I just don't think
I've been there enough.

You know, I say my prayers every
morning and every night to,

to stay away from my addictions

and just try and be
the best person I can be really.

I'm never going to be perfect,
I know that.

But just need to be
a nice person, be kind.

God grant me the serenity to accept

the things I cannot change,

the courage to change
the things I can

and the wisdom to know
the difference. Amen.

It's a prayer that I,

I, literally, sometimes have
to say ten times in

a minute just to get me
to where I am.

God grant me the serenity to accept

the things I cannot change,

the courage to change
the things I can

and the wisdom to know
the difference.

I'm going to be quiet now
for five minutes

and just take this in and,

and have a moment and pray for...
for my father-in-law.

BELL TOLLS

I mean, faith, I think it's
important to have faith.

I think some people are religious,
some people ain't and,

you know,
that's everybody's opinion,

but it, it definitely helped me.
Especially the meetings, I mean...

AA and GA, I mean, it's...

if you're not well,
you go to the doctor's

and get your medicine,
and, and that's what a

GA meeting's like, Gamblers
Anonymous meetings

and Alcoholics Anonymous meetings
are like.

If you don't go, you're not
getting your medicine,

you're not going to get well.

If you don't get well,
then it's only one,

one way it's gonna,
one way it's gonna end up

and that's back doing what you
were doing.

So, yeah, I have...

I have faith.

Sometimes, of course, with what
everything that goes on in

the world, we do question it,

but definitely without
the GA and AA,

you know, I, I wouldn't be able to
live the life I live now.

Even though my wife's great
and she is great

and she understands me,

I still need them meetings

to be around people that have been
in my position before

and have had that experience,
strength and hope.

Yeah, it's a massive thing for me.

You know, I, I do believe
there is a God,

I do believe there is. You know,

I don't think for everything I did,
you know,

like, and I still got
to play football is,

is a miracle really. It's a miracle.

I-I do look at that like someone
was looking over me at all times.

My wife goes to church and her
mother-in-law goes, Kay, and...

I don't know anybody who doesn't
come out of church

and doesn't feel better. Now,

if that's the case,
how does it not work?

It's like meetings,

never been in a meeting
and come out worse, you know?

So, for me it works.

I do believe.

Wow, look at that.
Blown away really.

I've never been anywhere like this
before in my life.

No, it's just, can't...

You just wouldn't think this was
England. I don't know...

I don't know why but you just
wouldn't think this was England.

I mean, look at that,
it's like for miles.

Oh, no. I'm not taking another fall.

Right. Let's work this out, guys.

I'm going to go big rock...

..little rock, big rock.

Ah, straight in.

Straight in.

Right.

Yeah. I'm away.

Argh.

Argh.

Seriously.

All I can feel now here is...

Is the wind
on the back of my head.

I can really, really feel that.

Like, you know what?

That probably happens
every single day of my life.

But I can feel it today.

I'm in the moment, I can feel it.

Morning. Morning.

How are you? Good.

Nice walk? Yeah, yeah.

Hey, I recognise you.
Yeah, he's a footballer.

Oh, do you?
Footballer, retired footballer.

Yes! Hello, how are you?
Oh, fine, thank you.

Do you do this every Sunday?
Yeah, more or less.

It's lovely, innit?

It's just good
for the soul, know what I mean?

Oh, yeah, 100%.
Absolutely beautiful.

It just takes you out
of everything else,

your mind clears.
It's just wonderful.

You're right what you say,
I mean that's exactly

how I felt in my mind,
you're like...

Cos where I live it's...
You know, it's...

It's hustle and bustle,
do you know what I mean?

You still live in London,
do you? Yeah.

So... But here it's just...
It's that sereneness, you know.

I always say to people, you know,

if you've got issues,
get out there. Yeah.

Do your walking. Get... You know,
we only live a couple of miles away.

Yeah.
So for us this is our local patch.

Oh, that's lovely, innit?

So, I mean, we can go out
whenever we want, you know.

This is amazing.
Absolutely amazing.

I'm glad you're enjoying it.

And there's a good pub as well.

I walk past pubs now.
I don't walk into pubs any more.

Oh! That's a nice one. If you do
want a pint, there's a nice one.

You can have a soft drink.
Yeah, I could have a soft drink.

That's like going
in the hairdressers.

If you go in the hairdressers,

go in there every day
of the week you'll have

a haircut by the end of the week.

That's a shame.
Can we think of a good cafe?

A nice black coffee.

Anyway, nice...
And you, nice to meet you.

I wish you all the best.

Have a lovely day.
Take care. Bye-bye.

That's the thing
when you come out,

you do meet lovely people
as well, you know.

There's... Again when you live in
London, it's the hustle and bustle,

everybody's walking
with their head on the floor

and it's 100 mile an hour,
and I understand that.

People have got to get to work
and things to do.

But, you know, it's very rare
anybody says, "How are you?"

If you turned round and went,

"No, I'm not really good
at the moment, struggling,"

people would just walk off,
they don't really listen,

they're just saying it
for the sake of saying it.

You know,
with addictions you have to talk.

Addiction wants you on your own.

It wants you on your own.

It don't want you talking to people.

It wants you on your own,
so it can feed,

you know, it can feed you.

You know, and you do
what you do, and...

And that's why it's important
to talk to people.

Cos you don't know who's struggling.

You don't know.

No-one ever knows who the person is.

It's quite hidden,
and people sometimes are ashamed.

So, it's nice to talk.

Right, is this gate
a Krypton Factor job or what?

Urgh.

Right, come on, Paul.

Ah, done it.

Krypton Factor.

Argh, argh. Oh, seriously.

That's seven times
I've nearly fallen now.

I need to put some studs
in these boots.

PAUL LAUGHS

Oh, here come the sheep.

Here they come.

Look at that, that's just amazing!

The way them dogs gather them sheep
and dictate them

and go wherever they want to go.

They're off.

Wow! Look at that, eggs for sale.

Oh, my God.
They've got eggs for sale there.

Wow.

Trustworthy place, huh?

Amazing.

Fresh, like, eggs.
Imagine getting up in the morning,

walking here and getting your eggs,
going home.

Cooking egg and bacon.

From where I come from,
it's a different world.

I used to live in North Yorkshire

for about eight months
in Hutton Rudby,

the place was called.

It was a Middlesbrough clubhouse.

And I lived there with my brother,

and then Gazza moved in with us,

with Jimmy Five Bellies.

And this was round the corner.

And we never went out, like,

as you do in them days
when you're younger.

Played football, went home,
trained, drunk.

And we never went out walking.

I mean, the only time we ever walked
was probably to the pub.

So, that was probably about it.

Yeah, I won't beat myself up about
it but it would have been nice.

It would have been nice to do them
kind of things and get out

but I didn't know any different.

I didn't have a choice,
you know, I was an alcoholic and,

and a compulsive gambler and I,

I was ill and I didn't know
I was ill,

so I didn't have a choice.
Today I have a choice.

So I can come out and choose to go

on this absolute stunning,
beautiful walk.

Hello. Hiya, morning, you OK?
THEY RESPOND INDISTINCTLY

Good.

Yeah, absolutely amazing, amazing.

I've been on a few walks into
Richmond or Kingston,

but you're always looking on
the floor cos you always,

if there's anything you might fall
over or trip over.

So you don't really get
to see everything around you.

STREAM GURGLES

And that lovely noise of the stream.

It just...

It's just that noise is lovely.

GURGLE OF STREAM CONTINUES

It's just flowing.

And there's two different
noises of the stream.

One where it's coming through,

where it's coming through
there like at a pace

and it's making a different noise.

And then when you get down to there,
it's a completely different noise.

BIRDS TWEET

You know, you can hear a couple
of birds singing,

but nothing like first thing this
morning when I set out.

When you get in the moment
and you sort of,

you, you can stand still
and you can be in the present,

the amount of things you hear
and see are,

are quite extraordinary, really.

And as I said before, I mean,

with my addiction
and getting in early in the morning

and get two hours' sleep, you know,

them birds singing was like
ah, you know,

I just wanted to throw a brick at
the tree, if I'm being honest,

just to make 'em fly away.

But, you know, now,
I, I love that sound again...

BIRD TWEETS

STREAM GURGLES

Beautiful.

Haven't got a care in the world.

BIRDS TWEET, PIGEON COOS

DOG BARKS

CLAIRE: Good girl.

I wonder if everybody knows
everybody and,

you know, I think, like,
what's it like at Christmas?

Does everybody get together
or is there...

..people that don't talk to people
and don't like each other?

Or does everybody go
to The Crown pub?

But when I go on holiday I, like,
I look at people

and I think, I wonder what
they do at night-time,

what they do.
Do they, like, watch telly,

do they have their dinner and then
they settle down and watch telly?

And I just, I wonder
what their lives are like.

DOG BARKS

CHILDREN CHATTER INDISTINCTLY

CHILD LAUGHS

BAGPIPER PLAYS SCOTLAND THE BRAVE

I know I've been walking a long way,

but I'm not in Scotland yet, am I?
Seriously, am I?

I think that's got to be the hardest
thing in the world to do,

isn't it, is play the bagpipes?
One of 'em.

I mean, it's got to be easier
to learn German, innit?

MUSIC CONTINUES

Wow, look at that.

So hard to play.

MUSIC STOPS

Amazing.

Thank you. How long have
you learned how to play them?

Uh, well, since I was
eight years old.

Um, I've,
I've been playing since I was 11,

uh, on the,
the actual great pipes.

And been in a band for ten years.

Call me naive,

but what's the difference between
a bagpipe and that pipe?

Uh, well, this is a bagpipe. OK.

Um, but, uh,

when you're a learner you start
with, uh, just this, with this...

Oh, OK. ..called a,
called the practice chanter.

And when you're, you're old enough,
you get what's called

the Goose, which is basically

these, with a bag, but no drones.

And then, as you progress,

you get your drones fitted
and one by one,

they, they come out.

So, I started out
with just these two when

I got given my drones.
Now I'm with all three.

Is it as hard to play as
what we think?

Um, well, well, yes and, and no.

It's kind of like weightlifting,
plus breath control,

plus hand-eye coordination
and memory to boot.

And where are you from?
Uh, originally Edinburgh but, uh...

Oh, really? Yeah, but moved down age
five to, to Yorkshire, so...

Wow, you don't, yeah, your accent
seems like further south.

No, uh, uh,
no, not from further south.

HE LAUGHS

What about the neighbours,
happy with you playing?

Oh, yeah, delighted. Yeah?

Delighted.
We're all neighbourly around here.

We respect each other's wishes.

Oh, OK, brilliant.
Well, I wish you all the best.

Oh, thank you. Take care.

And that was amazing, thank you.
Thank you. Take care.

I mean, what a lovely village, wow.

It'll be interesting, like this
is a lovely Sunday morning.

I wonder what it's like Monday,

I wonder if they're all running
round hectic like maniacs,

like, rushing around.

Like, eating their toast on the way

to work as they run out the door.

Or is it all calm
and collected like this?

It's like something you see in
a film, really.

Everything about it,
it's, like, perfect.

I imagine in the summer
it's absolutely mind-blowing.

I mean, people would be out on
the green playing,

kids in the stream, beautiful.

I wonder what it would have been
like if,

if I was born in a village.

Would I have been
a professional footballer?

Oh, he's got the Boro on.

Up the Boro. Oh, wow.

How are you, you all right?
Yeah, good, you?

Yeah, good form, thank you.

Hello, mate,
what's your name, little one?

What's your name?
Tommy Durrant.

We've just been to Gillamoor,
haven't we?

Played football at
Gillamoor. Yeah?

Then we come up here,
we treat him to a milkshake.

Oh, what's your favourite one?

Strawberry. Strawberry?

Yeah, that's my favourite,
I might go and get one after.

Right, Tommy, I better go.
Yeah, well, say bye. Bye.

Tommy, see you later,
I hope you have a nice milkshake.

Say bye, say thank you very much.
Thank you...

See you later, thank you, take care.
Up the Boro. Up the Boro.

Up the Boro.

I left Boro in a bit of a bad way

and I think the fans didn't
like me when I left,

but they didn't really understand my
circumstances and why I left.

I didn't leave on good terms.

It's always something I
look back on and think,

you know,
I hope the fans understood that,

you know, I had a great
season the year before.

And we got promoted,
which was my job, or part of it.

And then I left, but it was that,

that was the reason I left,
was my addictions were,

were kicking in bad at the time.

So, I needed to get home.

So, hopefully they'll understand
that, hopefully.

DOGS PANT

Thanks goodness it's not raining
like it was this morning.

Yeah, it's so much better.
Oh, so much better.

If it wasn't for my dad,
I wouldn't have been a footballer.

I mean, the sacrifice that he had
to make taking me to,

all the way to Highbury on a,

on a Monday and a Thursday to train.

You don't really,

really get to sit down and say that
to my dad if you know what I mean.

I've never really sat down
and said to my dad thank you.

But, yeah...

..I've never really sat down
with my dad and said thank you.

You know, we didn't have a lot.

My dad was a coalman.

Lived on a council estate...

So, we didn't have a lot,

but my dad made sure he took
me everywhere.

And that's why I'm trying
to do that for my boy now,

my youngest boy Freddy, he's seven.

I've got three older boys, Charlie,
Ben and Sam

and Sam is a good footballer.

And I wasn't around to take him
everywhere to be a footballer and...

..I sort of blame myself for that.

Because I, I got
divorced and I moved club.

I left Arsenal,

went to Boro and then me
and his mum got divorced.

And I lived in Birmingham.

And I wasn't there
to take him all round

the place like my dad took me.

And to give him a chance and...

..that hurts a bit cos
I should have.

Argh, argh, argh, whoa.

That reminds me, I used
to be coming out the pub like that.

But I loved playing football,
I just,

it's all I know, really.

It's all I know.

You know, if you sat down,

I could talk about football
all day, every day.

But, oh, wow.

Anything else, big regrets, really.

You know, there's a lot of things.

I can't really read, I'm dyslexic.

My wife's a school teacher

and if I'm writing texts out I,
I literally now have to ask her,

cos where to put a full stop and
a comma and, you know,

and the way the kids are now with

the way they spell things.
Like... puh, ahh, ruh.

I mean, I say to my wife,
"How do you spell this?"

and she'll like go,
"It's...tuh, huh,"

and I go,
"No, just tell me, is it T H?"

You know, I don't, I don't
understand all them letters.

I should have done more at school,
I really should have.

What is this?

Oh,

it's not Krypton Factor,
that was easy.

The things I worry about now
is I'm an old dad.

So I've got a one-year-old,

a four-year-old
and a seven-year-old.

And I sit there sometimes
and I, I think,

you know, how long have I got?

If I've got 20 years left, which is,
which is a lot of years, that's 74.

You know, and you hear people that
are dying younger than that.

I think, you know, I'm not
going to see my kids grow up.

And that,

that scares me to death,
if I'm being honest.

That's how my mind works sometimes,

I can be living in the day
and then I'm thinking,

you know,
what about when Sadie's 21?

You know, she's one years old.

I mean, every now and then I,
I get that fear now and it's,

it's something that, you know,

I have to look into, what it is and,

and trying to understand why,
why I get like that.

But I accept today the way I am.

I like Paul today.

I don't,

I don't look at Paul any more
and think,

"Cor, I can't stand you,
I hate you."

And when you're like that

I don't see how you can love anybody
else when you don't like yourself.

And that's why I probably
struggled over the years.

But now I can give my love
to my wife cos I,

uh, you know, I like myself.
I like Paul.

And that's nice.

Uh, I've always wanted
to be someone else.

Every time I meet someone,
I'm like, "I wish I was like him,

"I wish I was like him."
You know, I'd always be,

I'd always be itchy in my own skin,
it was really weird.

Always uncomfortable.

But today I don't, you know,
today I like being me.

You know, I respect me now.

I didn't used to respect me.

People used to come up to me and go
"Oh, my God, you're a legend.

"Oh, you're, you're brilliant,"
and I used to...

The first thing I used to say to
people was, "No, I'm not,

"no, I'm not, no, don't say that."

Cos I used to think if you knew
what I was doing you wouldn't think

I was like that. I'm horrible.

And today I can stand there
and people will go to me

and they go, "Oh, you're a legend,"
and, and all I could say,

or they say
"What a great player," like that,

is thank you, thank you.
It's so simple,

two words, thank you.

It's their, their opinion and I,

I can, I'm happy with that now.

I don't have to sit there
and go, "Oh, no, no, I'm not."

And to accept that I'm,
I am, I'm a nice person.

I'm a nice person.

Just an ill person
trying to get well.

And just standing up here now
and reflecting on my life so far.

Some memories stick
and they're so important.

And they last forever.

And if it wasn't for my dad I
wouldn't have been who I am now.

It just makes me reflect on

a poem written by
Michael Josephson -

What Will Matter.

"What will matter is not your
success

"but your significance.

"What will matter is not what
you learn

"but what you taught.

"What will matter is every act
of integrity,

"compassion,
courage or sacrifice that enriched,

"empowered or encouraged others
to emulate your example.

"What will matter is not your
competence but your character."

HE INHALES

EXHALES

Right, here we go.

Argh, ooh, ooh, ooh.

Ooh!

Ooh.

Urgh, ooh.

Whoa.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Whoa, easy, brrr.

CHUCKLING: I'm like Bambi on ice,
I am.

You feel like your own,
the only person on the Earth.

Just on your own.

You feel like you're the only person
in the world at the moment.

It's just the quietness.

Really strange, you just don't,

I don't get this quietness.

There's just no noise at all.

Just me talking.

Hi. How are you?

Yeah, good.

How are far are you running?

Oh, maybe about ten miles.

Really? Yeah.

You don't find it hard,
it's a bit uneven, innit?

All part of the fun, isn't it?

But don't you find
it psychologically...?

Because it's so open and I don't
like running on the streets,

but at least it's left, right, le...

You don't see like... Like here
it's just miles in the distance.

Do you know what I mean?

What, do you think it's a bit,

overwhelming or something or
a bit like...?

Yeah, I ju... I don't see the end.

Yeah, you like to have
a goal, you mean?

Yeah, do you know what I mean?
I like to have a goal.

"I'm heading for there.
That's where I'm going."

Yeah, and that's it. Yeah.

But here I just feel it's like,
it's never-ending, it's like.

Maybe I suppose it's kind
of like enjoying the moment,

rather than like
this is my destination.

Yeah.

And I suppose that's like
different reasons why peop...

I suppose that's different reasons
why people run or do things,

isn't it? Yeah.
Some people do it for the goals.

Do you know what I mean, like?

It's always trying to be faster,
stronger.

And then, then you sort of learn
to actually,

I'm here, I'm feeling good.

Today it's been nice, like I have
lived in the moment,

do you know what I mean?

So you've just been able to just...

Yeah, take it in and it's
been, it's been,

I'm not saying it's been easy,

cos, like, a lot's come up while
I've been walking,

do you know what I mean?

Where it wouldn't have really come
up in before.

Yeah, I know we appreciate
the good days.

And a bit more random, like, I take
my wife sometimes for granted.

I'm, I don't
mean that in a horrible way,

but, you know,
but she's amazing, really.

And, you know, the way
she understands me, you know?

When I'm away and I,

and I'm at, like, things like
this or I'm away from home,

I appreciate her so much more,
if you know what I mean.

And when I'm with her, it's like...
Aw, I know, the day to day.

She's moaning at me again.
I saw you on telly a few months ago

and I think you have done
a lot of good, you know...

Oh. ..by putting yourself out there.
It must be really hard.

Yeah. Thank you.

And I, and I too... And I took it
with me actually, yeah, yeah.

Oh, thank you, I appreciate that.

I'm glad I've met you actually to
say that.

Oh, do you? No, thank you.
Honestly. Yeah.

I came away that you were
a good person.

Oh, cheers, I am a good person.
Just remember that.

I am, thank you. And I'm sure your
wife sometimes believes that.

Yeah, she does. Take care.
Nice to see you.

Bye-bye, have a good day, bye.

It's nice when you meet people
like that.

HAMMERING

BIRDSONG

At 53, I appreciate this now,
this walk.

You know, I'm not trying to chase
anything today.

The thing I probably appreciate
more than anything is how...

..how much I love my wife, really.

You know,
how great she is to me and...

..you know, when I come a step away,
I just realise how much I love her

and how much
she's been a rock for me

and helped me
through some bad times.

Bad times.

And she's been there for me
and it takes...

..it takes things like this,
where there's no distractions,

there's no phone,

there's no internet,

there's no TV.

And it's, like,
just walking in the fresh air

in the middle of nowhere
with quietness and stillness.

You just appreciate
how much I love my wife

and what an amazing person she is.

But I do have to give myself credit
sometimes and think...

..you know,
and remember where I was and...

..you know, that I wanted to...
You know, I wanted to kill myself.

I wanted to do that
a lot of times. So...

..it's important to...

HE GRUNTS

..to remember,
you know, where I was

and give myself,
you know, credit for that.

GENTLE BIRDSONG

You know, where I've been, where...

You know, when I've wanted to,
you know, kill myself...

..you know, and tried to end it all,
cos I didn't see a way out,

I didn't see how I could
stop drinking or gambling

and letting my wife down constantly,

you know, I-I'd have never been
able to do all this kind of stuff.

This was never in my wildest dreams,

that I could come out
and do a walk like this,

and I think that's for everybody
out there that there -

there is hope. There is hope.

I mean, I...
You know, when I'm quite down -

and I do get down days, I'm not
going to sit here and say I don't -

I play REM - Everybody Hurts.

I think it's, it's a poignant song,

I think it's a song to...
hang in to there.

To hang in there when you're...
when times are dark.

You know, some people think,
"Oh, it's a depressing song,"

and all that but I just...
You know, it's a song that I...

..that I put on
cos it does remind me -

everybody...
You know, you're not alone.

And I think, you know,
when you want to kill yourself,

it's a...it's a proper thing
of being on your own

and you think you're
the only person, no-one loves you,

you let people down,
everybody hates you.

And, you know, I just think
that song, REM - Everybody Hurts,

I just think, you know,
there's lines in that

when it just says,
"Hold on. Hold on."

HE EXHALES

It saddens me that I even thought
about doing what I wanted -

to kill myself. It's...

That's how dark it gets.

HE SNIFFS

And I sit here now and I think,
"How did I get like that?"

But it does, it comes on quickly.

You know, it's something
that...just comes.

And if you don't talk and then
it gets worse and worse and...

I just think that's why
it's important to talk,

get out in the fresh air.

BIRDSONG

Look at that.

Thank God I'm still here and I can
enjoy it. I can enjoy this.

BIRDSONG

HE PANTS

Come on, Paul.

WATER TRICKLES

Who would have thought
in their wildest dreams

that Paul Merson
would be doing a walking programme,

talking about his life
and the countryside? And I...

That, for me, shows how much
I've...I've come on in my life,

that I can get asked
to do things like this now.

But I don't want it to end there.
You know, this is just the start.

Phwoar!

HE PANTS

Like life - keep on going.

Sometimes it's an uphill battle.
Just got to keep on going.

And then it levels itself out.

And sometimes it's straight,

and sometimes it's even great
and it's downhill

and you just slide with life.

Then it gets harder.

And you go uphill like this again.

Just hanging in there.
Just hanging in there.

But the good days outweigh
the bad days by a long way.

By a long way.

HE SIGHS

I try and get the message across
to people...

I mean, if it helps one person,
it's more than one -

it helps their family, it helps
their kids or their mum and dad

or their brothers and sisters
and their friends understand.

And that's what I just wanted to
give people or someone out there -

a chance to be able to change
their life around,

and for the better.

WINGS FLUTTER

Amazing.

I see colour. Wow.

And mud, green,
and then you get a snowdrop.

HE PANTS

Oh.

Look at that sun.

Oh, well, you can't write that.

The village of Gillamoor.

# Hallelujah!
Hallelujah! Hallelujah! #

Ah...

Feels we're on the top of the world.

Sat on some benches in my time
but this is a... Oh!

What a bench.

Ah...

Imagine you come and getting up
and sitting here every morning.

Wow.

They must be queuing up
to sit on this bench. Every day.

BIRDSONG

This walk has really taught me
how fortunate I am,

how lucky I am and what a...
and what a life I've had so far.

I needed today just to...
just with a clear head,

cos, you know,
when you've got three little kids

and you're in that hectic life
of get up in the morning,

get ready, get to school,
drop 'em off, that's life.

Of course it is -
that's life for a lot of people.

And I understand that
and I love that, I wouldn't swap it.

But sometimes you take the people
that love you very dearly

for granted. And
I just think today has...

..has really helped me really
hit home how much my wife helps me

and how much I love her and how
fortunate I am to be with her.

And I've never really
said that to her.

Who would have thought
a walk in Yorkshire in the winter

would have made me feel like this?

Very blessed today that I've
been able to do what I've done

and I really, really loved today.
Really loved it.

Can't wait to get home now
and see my wife and kids,

and tell my wife
how much I love her.

BIRDSONG