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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:03,640 Come on, milady. Oh, all right, yeah. 2 00:00:03,640 --> 00:00:05,080 Can I take my blindfold off yet? 3 00:00:05,080 --> 00:00:06,520 No, not yet. 4 00:00:06,520 --> 00:00:08,880 OK, right, just tell me when to stop, yeah? 5 00:00:08,880 --> 00:00:11,480 And... brake. Stop. Stop will do, thanks, I'm not a car. 6 00:00:11,480 --> 00:00:12,520 Right. 7 00:00:13,600 --> 00:00:15,560 Right, OK. Can I take it off? 8 00:00:15,560 --> 00:00:16,840 No. 9 00:00:16,840 --> 00:00:19,000 ALL: Three, two, one, surprise! 10 00:00:23,000 --> 00:00:24,960 It's not hit her yet. It's not hit her yet. 11 00:00:24,960 --> 00:00:26,920 Let's just do it again, quick right. 12 00:00:26,920 --> 00:00:28,920 ALL: Three, two, one, surprise! 13 00:00:28,920 --> 00:00:30,680 No, I thought you said we were here. 14 00:00:30,680 --> 00:00:32,280 Yeah. Yeah, we are. 15 00:00:32,280 --> 00:00:34,360 Well, this is five minutes from our house. 16 00:00:34,360 --> 00:00:35,920 Yeah. Mm. Yeah. 17 00:00:35,920 --> 00:00:38,000 We've been in the car for four hours! 18 00:00:38,000 --> 00:00:40,800 Well, yeah, Dave just kept driving round and round Crescent Road. 19 00:00:40,800 --> 00:00:42,600 Yeah, to throw you off the scent. 20 00:00:42,600 --> 00:00:44,120 This is a fucking joke. 21 00:00:44,120 --> 00:00:46,080 It's no joke, Karen. 22 00:00:46,080 --> 00:00:48,480 This is a genuine gift for you to relax and de-stress 23 00:00:48,480 --> 00:00:50,360 since you were diagnosed uptight. 24 00:00:50,360 --> 00:00:52,880 How are you feeling anyway? I don't think I could feel worse. 25 00:00:52,880 --> 00:00:54,160 Perfect. 26 00:00:54,160 --> 00:00:56,840 Well, you just wait till you see where we're staying. 27 00:00:58,000 --> 00:00:59,800 SHE GROANS 28 00:01:10,760 --> 00:01:13,200 Do something... 29 00:01:13,200 --> 00:01:14,360 Or anything... 30 00:01:14,360 --> 00:01:15,720 For someone... 31 00:01:15,720 --> 00:01:17,040 Or anyone. 32 00:01:17,040 --> 00:01:18,880 CHI: Ready, ready, you'll never guess. 33 00:01:18,880 --> 00:01:20,040 KAREN: It's a caravan. 34 00:01:20,040 --> 00:01:22,560 Oh, how do you guess? That's not the best bit though. 35 00:01:22,560 --> 00:01:24,400 Morning, Campers, it's Momma Bear. 36 00:01:24,400 --> 00:01:26,040 Oh, no, absolutely not. 37 00:01:26,040 --> 00:01:29,160 It's so lovely, isn't it? It's two stars. 38 00:01:29,160 --> 00:01:32,000 Do you know how hard it is to get two stars? 39 00:01:32,000 --> 00:01:33,400 You all right, Mum? 40 00:01:35,880 --> 00:01:38,640 No, that's it, I'm going. Come on, Dave, please. 41 00:01:38,640 --> 00:01:40,400 But, look, look, we've paid for it now, 42 00:01:40,400 --> 00:01:42,480 and the doctor said say you have to de-stress. 43 00:01:42,480 --> 00:01:44,560 Yeah, I know but here? Really? 44 00:01:44,560 --> 00:01:46,680 Sor... Sorry. Come on, then. 45 00:01:46,680 --> 00:01:49,880 SHE SLAPS HIM ON BOTTOM 46 00:01:49,880 --> 00:01:51,880 Right, well, what else is there here, then? 47 00:01:51,880 --> 00:01:53,400 Go on, sell it to me. 48 00:01:53,400 --> 00:01:55,960 Well, there's a nonsmoking room. 49 00:01:55,960 --> 00:01:57,920 Right, well, fine, fine. 50 00:01:57,920 --> 00:02:00,760 I'll... I'll stay, one night, though, Dave, OK? 51 00:02:00,760 --> 00:02:02,840 ONE night! Yeah, yeah. See, that's more like it! 52 00:02:02,840 --> 00:02:05,200 Give me a K... OTHERS: K! 53 00:02:05,200 --> 00:02:06,760 Give me an A! A! 54 00:02:06,760 --> 00:02:08,200 Give me a P... 55 00:02:08,200 --> 00:02:10,440 No, no, that's not how you spell it. 56 00:02:13,040 --> 00:02:16,200 Right, so here's the living room-slash-bedroom. 57 00:02:16,200 --> 00:02:17,400 Slash-dining room. 58 00:02:17,400 --> 00:02:18,960 Yeah, all right Kirsty and Phil. 59 00:02:18,960 --> 00:02:20,320 Oh, shit, there's drawers. 60 00:02:20,320 --> 00:02:22,000 There's a carbon monoxide detector! 61 00:02:22,000 --> 00:02:23,760 Thank God for that. Safety, safety. 62 00:02:23,760 --> 00:02:26,320 Why is there only one bed? That's all right, the sofa pulls out. 63 00:02:26,320 --> 00:02:28,040 Ooh, and also, don't worry, 64 00:02:28,040 --> 00:02:31,400 because me and Lucas are going to camp outside in this. 65 00:02:31,400 --> 00:02:32,760 Like rats. 66 00:02:32,760 --> 00:02:34,840 Well, there's absolutely no way I'm staying here 67 00:02:34,840 --> 00:02:36,800 so give me that tent, please. What? 68 00:02:36,800 --> 00:02:40,400 No, it's fine, I'll just sort of be at one with nature. 69 00:02:40,400 --> 00:02:41,880 Yeah, OK, sounds good to me. 70 00:02:41,880 --> 00:02:43,480 No, I said at one with nature, Dave. 71 00:02:43,480 --> 00:02:46,000 One. OK? 72 00:02:46,000 --> 00:02:48,280 LUCAS: Right, Mum, first holiday together. 73 00:02:48,280 --> 00:02:49,520 Hol... 74 00:02:52,680 --> 00:02:54,360 Chi's got lofty expectations, 75 00:02:54,360 --> 00:02:56,880 but we think this dream first sink is perfect for her. 76 00:02:56,880 --> 00:02:58,880 I know, sorry, it's just not on my budget. 77 00:02:58,880 --> 00:03:03,000 Oh. So another unhappy customer on Location Location Location Location. 78 00:03:03,000 --> 00:03:05,040 I thought it was Location Location. 79 00:03:05,040 --> 00:03:07,120 No, you've got that completely wrong. 80 00:03:07,120 --> 00:03:09,280 Location Location Location Location. 81 00:03:09,280 --> 00:03:12,640 Now I'm confused. Is it Location Location Location? 82 00:03:12,640 --> 00:03:15,120 Location. Location? 83 00:03:15,120 --> 00:03:16,320 Location. 84 00:03:16,320 --> 00:03:20,160 Location Location Location Location Location... 85 00:03:21,360 --> 00:03:23,040 No. 86 00:03:21,360 --> 00:03:23,040 TUTS 87 00:03:25,320 --> 00:03:28,680 Why are you on the outside? What's wrong? Do you not love it? 88 00:03:28,680 --> 00:03:32,760 Yeah, course, God, no, this place is, like, beyond incredible. 89 00:03:32,760 --> 00:03:36,800 I mean, maybe I'm just being paranoid or you know hormonal but... 90 00:03:36,800 --> 00:03:40,320 But have you ever noticed that my mum sort of just doesn't 91 00:03:40,320 --> 00:03:42,200 seem to know who I am? 92 00:03:42,200 --> 00:03:43,520 No. 93 00:03:43,520 --> 00:03:46,640 It's just, a minute ago, she asked me how long I'd worked here for. 94 00:03:46,640 --> 00:03:48,360 She's just really busy, isn't she? 95 00:03:48,360 --> 00:03:50,680 You know, you will struggle to remember the little 96 00:03:50,680 --> 00:03:53,160 things like whether or not you've got a son or not. 97 00:03:53,160 --> 00:03:55,800 Yeah. Yeah. No, yeah, no, you're right. 98 00:03:56,960 --> 00:03:59,440 Yeah. When you're the nice guy and you try too hard, 99 00:03:59,440 --> 00:04:01,920 people just think you're invisible. Really? No. 100 00:04:01,920 --> 00:04:04,640 That's not right. Who said that? I said that. 101 00:04:04,640 --> 00:04:07,080 See? What... Oh, yeah. 102 00:04:07,080 --> 00:04:09,400 I can fucking do that. 103 00:04:09,400 --> 00:04:11,040 You want a bit of this? 104 00:04:11,040 --> 00:04:12,400 You want a bit of that? 105 00:04:12,400 --> 00:04:15,240 ANGRILY: Yeah, I'll fucking do that! 106 00:04:15,240 --> 00:04:17,160 How about that? Yeah that's great. 107 00:04:17,160 --> 00:04:19,360 All right. Nice guys finish last. 108 00:04:26,040 --> 00:04:28,760 That's ridiculous. No-one ever's got time to do that. 109 00:04:28,760 --> 00:04:31,000 CLEARS THROAT 110 00:04:31,000 --> 00:04:32,320 OK. 111 00:04:35,760 --> 00:04:37,400 MEDITATIVE MUSIC PLAYS 112 00:04:37,400 --> 00:04:39,080 OVER PHONE: I am relaxed. 113 00:04:40,840 --> 00:04:42,640 I am calm. 114 00:04:44,600 --> 00:04:49,360 It was around 27 years ago today, at this holiday park, 115 00:04:49,360 --> 00:04:54,600 that the Kent Camp Stalker was lurking between the caravans. 116 00:04:54,600 --> 00:04:56,160 Pack of lies. 117 00:04:56,160 --> 00:04:58,320 He would summon up a black hole, 118 00:04:58,320 --> 00:05:00,720 which would suck up his victims... 119 00:05:00,720 --> 00:05:02,000 "Suck off"? ..one... 120 00:05:02,000 --> 00:05:03,760 Well, they're not going to be victims 121 00:05:03,760 --> 00:05:05,480 if they're getting sucked off, are they? 122 00:05:05,480 --> 00:05:07,600 Well, it depends if it's consensual. 123 00:05:07,600 --> 00:05:09,160 So was it consensual? 124 00:05:09,160 --> 00:05:12,560 Not in this story because no-one gets sucked off. 125 00:05:12,560 --> 00:05:13,680 Actually, Michelle, 126 00:05:13,680 --> 00:05:15,880 can you put on some creepy background music, please? 127 00:05:15,880 --> 00:05:17,280 Yeah. 128 00:05:17,280 --> 00:05:20,440 So, anyway, one by one, they were all sucked up into this hole... 129 00:05:20,440 --> 00:05:21,920 The speaker's not working. 130 00:05:21,920 --> 00:05:23,160 The first one.... 131 00:05:23,160 --> 00:05:24,520 What? 132 00:05:24,520 --> 00:05:26,720 No, it's not coming on. 133 00:05:26,720 --> 00:05:29,040 Look. Oh. Who's Karen "Devi-see"? 134 00:05:30,080 --> 00:05:31,720 Don't know. PHONE: Pairing. 135 00:05:32,960 --> 00:05:34,480 PHONE BLEEPS 136 00:05:34,480 --> 00:05:35,880 LOUD EERIE MUSIC BLARES 137 00:05:35,880 --> 00:05:37,200 SHE SCREAMS 138 00:05:37,200 --> 00:05:39,320 He's back! No, no guys. No, no... 139 00:05:41,320 --> 00:05:43,120 SHE GASPS 140 00:05:43,120 --> 00:05:45,920 What the fuck?! 141 00:05:45,920 --> 00:05:49,080 Oh, it's Karen. Oh, it's Karen. Sorry! 142 00:05:49,080 --> 00:05:50,760 Karen, wait. 143 00:05:52,600 --> 00:05:53,840 I want to help you relax. 144 00:05:56,720 --> 00:05:59,480 Karen. I want to help you relax. 145 00:06:01,480 --> 00:06:02,920 Let me help you. 146 00:06:15,720 --> 00:06:17,120 Meet someone famous? 147 00:06:32,360 --> 00:06:34,880 Where's all the water? 148 00:06:34,880 --> 00:06:36,480 You don't ask for much, do you? 149 00:06:36,480 --> 00:06:39,600 Sorry. I didn't realise this was The Ritz! 150 00:06:39,600 --> 00:06:42,120 Yeah all right, I just, you know, I thought there'd be... 151 00:06:42,120 --> 00:06:44,960 "Yeah, all right, I just thought there'd be a pool full of diamonds." 152 00:06:44,960 --> 00:06:47,320 You can't have it all, Princess Margaret. 153 00:06:49,600 --> 00:06:50,960 Shit. 154 00:06:50,960 --> 00:06:54,040 I got to go work the bar. Will you be all right being left unattended? 155 00:06:54,040 --> 00:06:56,120 I think I'd actually prefer that, thanks. 156 00:06:59,720 --> 00:07:01,160 SHE GRUNTS 157 00:07:01,160 --> 00:07:02,920 Piece of shit. 158 00:08:56,560 --> 00:08:59,680 Suckin' on my titties like you wanted me, callin' me... 159 00:08:59,680 --> 00:09:01,160 OK, that could work. 160 00:09:01,160 --> 00:09:04,920 Check out my prissy behind, it's fine... 161 00:09:04,920 --> 00:09:07,440 Or... Or... 162 00:09:07,440 --> 00:09:08,840 Or this one. 163 00:09:08,840 --> 00:09:11,080 We used to go together... No, no, no, Michelle. 164 00:09:11,080 --> 00:09:12,320 Off. Off. Karen's going to go 165 00:09:12,320 --> 00:09:14,520 absolutely crazy... Looking out for each other... 166 00:09:14,520 --> 00:09:15,760 OK, who's playing that? 167 00:09:15,760 --> 00:09:18,800 We're just practising for the talent show, that's all. "Talent show"? 168 00:09:18,800 --> 00:09:19,960 You going to enter? No. 169 00:09:19,960 --> 00:09:22,000 Obviously not - it's tacky and I'm not on the dole. 170 00:09:22,000 --> 00:09:23,240 What's wrong with that song? 171 00:09:23,240 --> 00:09:25,520 Well, there is actually a funny story about that... 172 00:09:25,520 --> 00:09:27,640 No, Dave, cos we're not going to talk about that 173 00:09:27,640 --> 00:09:30,520 and it's not funny, is it? No. What is it? 174 00:09:30,520 --> 00:09:31,680 What is it, Dave? 175 00:09:31,680 --> 00:09:33,880 No! No-one needs to know. We don't need to talk... 176 00:09:33,880 --> 00:09:37,120 Dave, stop smiling, you're not going to talk about it. Just tell us... 177 00:09:37,120 --> 00:09:39,200 No! No! 178 00:09:40,640 --> 00:09:43,880 In 2007, Karen got down to the last few to be 179 00:09:43,880 --> 00:09:46,040 a member of The Saturdays but was runner-up to... 180 00:09:46,040 --> 00:09:48,400 Don't say her name Dave! ..Frankie Bridge. Sorry! 181 00:09:48,400 --> 00:09:50,720 Oh, my God, Frankie Bridge. Oh, I love Frankie Bridge. 182 00:09:50,720 --> 00:09:52,240 Oh, she's, amazing Frankie Bridge. 183 00:09:52,240 --> 00:09:54,600 Yeah. Apparently, she had more charisma. I'm so sorry. 184 00:09:54,600 --> 00:09:57,040 Well, yeah, she's amazing though, like... Oh, my God this is 185 00:09:57,040 --> 00:09:59,080 Frankie Bridge - it's her brand from F&F. 186 00:09:59,080 --> 00:10:01,720 Is it? Yeah! Yeah. I thought it was actually. 187 00:10:01,720 --> 00:10:04,000 Yeah, it's so... She's very stylish. 188 00:10:04,000 --> 00:10:06,760 She's actually made me question my sexuality a few times. 189 00:10:06,760 --> 00:10:08,520 Me, too. 190 00:10:08,520 --> 00:10:11,120 Yeah. Well, doesn't she everyone? 191 00:10:11,120 --> 00:10:12,160 SIGHS 192 00:10:13,480 --> 00:10:17,160 Shall we...Shall we put it back on? Definitely. Fuck yeah. 193 00:10:17,160 --> 00:10:18,240 SONG RESUMES 194 00:10:18,240 --> 00:10:22,080 Oh, Karen. Sorry. Sorry. 195 00:10:22,080 --> 00:10:25,560 You shouldn't have to see this...mess! 196 00:10:25,560 --> 00:10:26,600 Yoga, is it? 197 00:10:26,600 --> 00:10:29,240 Yeah. There's... 198 00:10:29,240 --> 00:10:32,080 There's really nothing better for connecting mind and soul. 199 00:10:32,080 --> 00:10:35,080 So would you...would you say that I'm stunning? 200 00:10:35,080 --> 00:10:37,840 Oh, erm... 201 00:10:37,840 --> 00:10:39,400 I don't think I'd be qualified to... 202 00:10:39,400 --> 00:10:42,440 Yeah, but, you know, do you think I could a bit of modelling, yes or no? 203 00:10:42,440 --> 00:10:45,080 I wouldn't like to make that decision, 204 00:10:45,080 --> 00:10:47,320 really, it's, erm... Just have one thought, Chank. 205 00:10:47,320 --> 00:10:50,520 It's not going to hurt you. Uh, yes? Yes. Hmm. 206 00:10:52,880 --> 00:10:57,400 So you and...you and Michelle - that's... 207 00:10:57,400 --> 00:11:00,240 ..that's a joke, right? 208 00:11:00,240 --> 00:11:03,640 Oh, yeah. Yeah. No. 209 00:11:03,640 --> 00:11:06,880 What are you meaning by the things that you are saying? 210 00:11:06,880 --> 00:11:09,400 Do I re...? Do I have to spell this out for you, Chank? 211 00:11:09,400 --> 00:11:11,120 We're having an affair, Chank. 212 00:11:11,120 --> 00:11:13,960 OK? Cos I need to de-stress and I was going to just come 213 00:11:13,960 --> 00:11:15,280 and have a jump on and... 214 00:11:15,280 --> 00:11:17,600 Oh. No. 215 00:11:17,600 --> 00:11:19,760 Erm... No. 216 00:11:19,760 --> 00:11:20,960 Thank you... 217 00:11:20,960 --> 00:11:22,880 ..so much. 218 00:11:22,880 --> 00:11:24,960 You're a very attractive woman. 219 00:11:24,960 --> 00:11:26,600 I...I just... Yeah? 220 00:11:26,600 --> 00:11:29,120 But... Yeah? 221 00:11:29,120 --> 00:11:31,760 You're just a lot older than who I'd usually go for, so... 222 00:11:31,760 --> 00:11:35,120 Yeah, do you know what? I'm at...at the very least, 223 00:11:35,120 --> 00:11:36,960 I'm ten years younger than Michelle. 224 00:11:36,960 --> 00:11:39,360 Really? Yes. Yes, really. 225 00:11:39,360 --> 00:11:41,960 I just thought cos...cos of the way you act. 226 00:11:41,960 --> 00:11:44,480 Do you know what, you can just fuck off, Chank. 227 00:11:44,480 --> 00:11:47,800 At least I'm not haggard - looks like she moisturises with Dettol! 228 00:12:00,240 --> 00:12:02,040 Enjoy. OK. Cheers. 229 00:12:02,040 --> 00:12:03,440 MIC FEEDBACK 230 00:12:03,440 --> 00:12:08,840 Ladies and Gentlemen, I hope you're ready to giggle! 231 00:12:08,840 --> 00:12:13,160 Could you please put your hands together 232 00:12:13,160 --> 00:12:20,000 and welcome to the stage your host and your MC, stand-up comedian... 233 00:12:20,000 --> 00:12:21,480 CLATTERING 234 00:12:21,480 --> 00:12:24,640 Stand-up comedian Sarah Gilbeaux! 235 00:12:24,640 --> 00:12:27,760 Oh, shit, fuck! Ow! 236 00:12:28,920 --> 00:12:33,400 Hey, yes! Yeah! Wow. 237 00:12:33,400 --> 00:12:34,600 Happy Oyster, 238 00:12:34,600 --> 00:12:35,800 I'm so excited to be here. 239 00:12:35,800 --> 00:12:38,160 CHI LAUGHS 240 00:12:38,160 --> 00:12:41,240 Erm, so it is er so good to be out of Australia. 241 00:12:41,240 --> 00:12:42,920 So true, yeah. 242 00:12:42,920 --> 00:12:46,680 I was...I was at the beach today, and don't you hate it when 243 00:12:46,680 --> 00:12:50,360 you're swimming and the tide comes in? 244 00:12:51,600 --> 00:12:53,680 It that the lifeguard from the swimming pool? 245 00:12:53,680 --> 00:12:55,440 Yeah, she served me this pint. 246 00:12:55,440 --> 00:12:57,640 Show of hands - who likes impressions? 247 00:12:57,640 --> 00:13:00,640 I'll have another drink. 248 00:13:00,640 --> 00:13:02,600 Eating... 249 00:13:02,600 --> 00:13:04,120 MUTTERS 250 00:13:06,400 --> 00:13:09,080 This'll fucking show 'em! 251 00:13:09,080 --> 00:13:11,080 Sydney Opera, you've all, erm... 252 00:13:11,080 --> 00:13:12,880 ..the Sydney Opera House - get this. 253 00:13:12,880 --> 00:13:17,840 The original estimate on the Sydney Opera House was $7 million. 254 00:13:17,840 --> 00:13:20,080 Guess what it ended up costing? 200 million. 255 00:13:20,080 --> 00:13:22,000 No! You're fucking wrecking everything. 256 00:13:22,000 --> 00:13:23,080 CHI LAUGHS 257 00:13:23,080 --> 00:13:24,600 It cost 102 million. 258 00:13:24,600 --> 00:13:27,560 Or as I like to call it, the cost of a weekly shop. 259 00:13:27,560 --> 00:13:29,920 CHI CACKLES 260 00:13:29,920 --> 00:13:33,080 God! Folks, I've been Sarah Gilbeaux! 261 00:13:33,080 --> 00:13:35,040 CHI: Oh, God. 262 00:13:38,880 --> 00:13:40,200 SHUTTER CLICKS 263 00:13:42,240 --> 00:13:44,800 Look, I get that you've committed to a comedy character 264 00:13:44,800 --> 00:13:47,800 and I respect that, but this is just getting weird. 265 00:13:47,800 --> 00:13:50,280 I just can't seem to wrap my head around 266 00:13:50,280 --> 00:13:53,560 how you have so many talents just all in there, you know? 267 00:13:53,560 --> 00:13:57,280 From lifing guards to then coming out 268 00:13:57,280 --> 00:14:00,400 and just delivering all them Austrian jokes. 269 00:14:00,400 --> 00:14:04,280 Just like, it's ridiculously special, you know. 270 00:14:04,280 --> 00:14:08,040 You should be international, you should be everywhere in the world. 271 00:14:08,040 --> 00:14:10,800 Yeah, well, that was the plan. Yeah. 272 00:14:10,800 --> 00:14:12,800 You know, I'd do the comedy circuit, 273 00:14:12,800 --> 00:14:16,720 get discovered by TV executives and then become a household name. 274 00:14:16,720 --> 00:14:18,520 Just like... Like... 275 00:14:18,520 --> 00:14:20,360 BOTH: ..Dawn French. 276 00:14:20,360 --> 00:14:22,120 Ah. 277 00:14:22,120 --> 00:14:24,720 I just completely misjudged the size of the United Kingdom. 278 00:14:24,720 --> 00:14:27,480 You know, I've been stuck in Kent for five years? 279 00:14:27,480 --> 00:14:29,520 God. Me too, actually, yeah. 280 00:14:30,600 --> 00:14:33,600 Oh, this isn't right. 281 00:14:33,600 --> 00:14:35,680 You shouldn't be using a stick for an arm. 282 00:14:37,080 --> 00:14:39,520 Anyway, dream's faded. 283 00:14:41,440 --> 00:14:43,680 If you've finished with that, just pop it on the ground. 284 00:14:43,680 --> 00:14:45,320 Oh, thanks. 285 00:14:54,480 --> 00:14:57,120 All right, folks, are we having a good time? 286 00:14:57,120 --> 00:14:58,280 No, not yet, mate. 287 00:14:58,280 --> 00:14:59,520 Not yet. 288 00:14:59,520 --> 00:15:02,440 I've got to do the announ... Just get... Go back. 289 00:15:02,440 --> 00:15:04,920 I haven't announced him yet - that's how showbusiness works. 290 00:15:04,920 --> 00:15:07,440 You'll learn if you do it for 28 years. 291 00:15:07,440 --> 00:15:11,520 Well, it's a boy with a recorder - big fucking surprise there. 292 00:15:11,520 --> 00:15:13,200 It's time! 293 00:15:15,880 --> 00:15:17,360 WEAK NOTES 294 00:15:22,120 --> 00:15:23,840 I mean, are you done? 295 00:15:25,480 --> 00:15:27,680 What's he doing? 296 00:15:27,680 --> 00:15:30,040 I don't like it. 297 00:15:33,120 --> 00:15:35,160 What, it's not... 298 00:15:35,160 --> 00:15:37,880 She's good. No, she's not. 299 00:15:37,880 --> 00:15:39,320 You're holding two of the... 300 00:15:39,320 --> 00:15:41,680 Oh, for fuck's sake. Sorry. 301 00:15:41,680 --> 00:15:43,760 Are you learning to juggle in front of a crowd? 302 00:15:48,040 --> 00:15:49,680 This is where the real show starts. 303 00:15:49,680 --> 00:15:51,440 Break both your legs. 304 00:15:51,440 --> 00:15:55,360 Someone's just put their dog on the stage. 305 00:15:55,360 --> 00:15:57,880 You all right in there? Yeah, I think so. 306 00:15:57,880 --> 00:16:00,360 Close your eyes 307 00:16:00,360 --> 00:16:02,920 Don't be afraid... 308 00:16:02,920 --> 00:16:07,520 Argh! No, no! No, don't cut me in half! 309 00:16:07,520 --> 00:16:10,640 You've been very naughty, Wendy. 310 00:16:10,640 --> 00:16:12,880 Don't cut me in half! 311 00:16:12,880 --> 00:16:14,600 Yeah. Ah! 312 00:16:14,600 --> 00:16:17,840 Shut up! Shut up! Oh, please, no! 313 00:16:17,840 --> 00:16:19,480 Yeah you're not asleep now. 314 00:16:19,480 --> 00:16:21,360 And die! Die! 315 00:16:21,360 --> 00:16:24,400 You're not beautiful any more, are ya? 316 00:16:27,640 --> 00:16:29,400 FINAL WHIMPER 317 00:16:29,400 --> 00:16:30,440 Thank you very much. 318 00:16:32,560 --> 00:16:35,520 I'm, like, 70% sure that was fake. 319 00:16:40,560 --> 00:16:41,800 Any questions? 320 00:16:44,800 --> 00:16:47,200 OK, who's up for a bit of poetry? 321 00:16:48,600 --> 00:16:50,040 Woo! 322 00:17:03,560 --> 00:17:08,000 This poem is called Devil Seeks Vengeance - Part 1. 323 00:17:10,360 --> 00:17:12,600 The sky is black 324 00:17:12,600 --> 00:17:14,280 The earth is red 325 00:17:14,280 --> 00:17:16,840 Mum should have swallowed instead 326 00:17:16,840 --> 00:17:19,680 Abandoned and alone like a stray 327 00:17:20,680 --> 00:17:24,160 Trees are cunts 328 00:17:24,160 --> 00:17:25,800 The land is bare 329 00:17:25,800 --> 00:17:28,640 Fat person eating an eclair 330 00:17:30,080 --> 00:17:32,600 Bricks are hard, hard 331 00:17:32,600 --> 00:17:35,120 Old people die 332 00:17:35,120 --> 00:17:36,920 Bring on that pecan pie. 333 00:17:39,960 --> 00:17:42,800 Well, ladies and gentleman, that was Grid! 334 00:17:42,800 --> 00:17:44,720 Yeah. 335 00:17:44,720 --> 00:17:46,760 SILENCE 336 00:17:47,760 --> 00:17:49,280 Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh. 337 00:17:52,000 --> 00:17:56,200 All right, folks, that is it. 338 00:17:56,200 --> 00:17:58,800 Oi, Steve Irwin, I want to enter. 339 00:17:58,800 --> 00:18:00,400 Yeah, well, you can't. It's too late. 340 00:18:00,400 --> 00:18:02,880 What do you mean it's too late? I mean there are no slots left. 341 00:18:02,880 --> 00:18:05,040 And I have to go and change the bins. 342 00:18:05,040 --> 00:18:08,760 Well, you better make a slot happen yeah, because I am not leaving 343 00:18:08,760 --> 00:18:11,600 till I win this shit competition. 344 00:18:11,600 --> 00:18:13,160 I'm sorry but rules are rules, OK? 345 00:18:13,160 --> 00:18:15,600 Can you just let her have a go, maybe? 346 00:18:15,600 --> 00:18:18,400 Uh, microphone! Nah. 347 00:18:21,360 --> 00:18:22,880 OK. 348 00:18:22,880 --> 00:18:25,360 Erm... 349 00:18:25,360 --> 00:18:26,760 ..it's fine. 350 00:18:28,120 --> 00:18:29,800 CLEARS THROAT 351 00:18:29,800 --> 00:18:33,840 You've been saying I'm driving you crazy 352 00:18:33,840 --> 00:18:37,360 And I haven't been around for you lately 353 00:18:37,360 --> 00:18:41,120 But I had a few things on my mind... 354 00:18:41,120 --> 00:18:43,600 Boo! Get some charisma, love. 355 00:18:43,600 --> 00:18:47,160 When I'm with you, I am filled with emotion 356 00:18:47,160 --> 00:18:50,680 Can't you see that I'm giving you devotion? ..votion... 357 00:18:50,680 --> 00:18:52,400 CLEARS THROAT 358 00:18:52,400 --> 00:18:55,640 You know I've been walking around in a daze 359 00:18:55,640 --> 00:18:57,040 WARBLES: Daze 360 00:18:57,040 --> 00:18:58,840 Baby, baby 361 00:18:58,840 --> 00:19:03,320 Got to believe me when I say Say 362 00:19:03,320 --> 00:19:05,800 Ooh-hoo Wherever you go... 363 00:19:05,800 --> 00:19:07,320 What are you doing? 364 00:19:05,800 --> 00:19:07,320 CHI COUGHS 365 00:19:07,320 --> 00:19:10,040 Going to be there Whatever you do 366 00:19:10,040 --> 00:19:13,240 You know I'm going to be there pure and simple 367 00:19:13,240 --> 00:19:14,560 WARBLES: Simple 368 00:19:14,560 --> 00:19:17,440 Yeah, yeah, I'll be there for you pure and simple... 369 00:19:17,440 --> 00:19:18,840 Just pick a note, yeah? 370 00:19:18,840 --> 00:19:21,560 Whatever it takes It takes 371 00:19:21,560 --> 00:19:22,920 Gonna be there 372 00:19:22,920 --> 00:19:25,560 Swear it's true You know I'm gonna be there 373 00:19:25,560 --> 00:19:27,840 Be there Pure and simple 374 00:19:27,840 --> 00:19:29,240 Yeah, yeah 375 00:19:29,240 --> 00:19:30,600 I'll be there for you 376 00:19:30,600 --> 00:19:33,440 THROATY: Pure and simple gonna be there. 377 00:19:33,440 --> 00:19:35,120 Whoa. 378 00:19:39,960 --> 00:19:41,240 Well? 379 00:19:45,040 --> 00:19:47,000 Yeah, I mean, erm, 380 00:19:47,000 --> 00:19:49,920 you just don't have star quality. 381 00:19:49,920 --> 00:19:51,720 You don't have... 382 00:19:51,720 --> 00:19:53,080 ..charisma. 383 00:19:53,080 --> 00:19:56,280 Oh, no. No charisma? 384 00:19:56,280 --> 00:19:59,000 I'll tell you what stood out for me. 385 00:19:59,000 --> 00:20:00,520 That thing over there. 386 00:20:02,600 --> 00:20:04,800 What? M-Me? 387 00:20:04,800 --> 00:20:07,480 Have you ever thought about going solo? Sorry, is this a joke? 388 00:20:07,480 --> 00:20:11,000 No. She just made noises and coughed. 389 00:20:11,000 --> 00:20:12,600 It was exquisite. 390 00:20:14,120 --> 00:20:17,200 Well, I mean, I wouldn't really want to split up from Karen just, 391 00:20:17,200 --> 00:20:18,520 obviously, cos we started 392 00:20:18,520 --> 00:20:21,280 the journey together and everything. Oh, whatever. 393 00:20:21,280 --> 00:20:23,640 I know you can do this. 394 00:20:23,640 --> 00:20:25,280 I just know it. 395 00:20:25,280 --> 00:20:26,800 Do what? 396 00:20:26,800 --> 00:20:31,680 I mean, I don't really know any words to any songs or anything. 397 00:20:31,680 --> 00:20:33,040 What's that? 398 00:20:33,040 --> 00:20:35,360 It's time - that's what it is. 399 00:20:35,360 --> 00:20:36,840 It's time. Wow, great. 400 00:20:36,840 --> 00:20:38,600 NOW there's a microphone. 401 00:20:44,640 --> 00:20:46,520 L'amour est un oiseau rebelle 402 00:20:48,320 --> 00:20:51,800 Que nul ne peut apprivoiser 403 00:20:51,800 --> 00:20:55,160 Et c'est bien en vain qu'on l'appelle 404 00:20:55,160 --> 00:20:58,520 S'il lui convient de refuser 405 00:20:58,520 --> 00:21:01,200 Rien n'y fait, menace ou priere 406 00:21:02,520 --> 00:21:05,120 L'un parle bien, l'autre se tait 407 00:21:06,160 --> 00:21:09,840 Et c'est l'autre que je prefere 408 00:21:09,840 --> 00:21:12,920 Il n'a rien dit, mais il me plait 409 00:21:15,000 --> 00:21:17,760 L'amour 410 00:21:18,920 --> 00:21:22,320 L'amour 411 00:21:22,320 --> 00:21:25,720 L'amour 412 00:21:25,720 --> 00:21:27,640 L'amour 413 00:21:27,640 --> 00:21:30,960 L'amour est enfant de boheme 414 00:21:30,960 --> 00:21:34,440 Il n'a jamais, jamais, connu de loi 415 00:21:34,440 --> 00:21:38,200 Si tu ne m'aimes pas, je t'aime 416 00:21:38,200 --> 00:21:42,400 Si je t'aime, prends garde a toi... 417 00:21:42,400 --> 00:21:45,080 BACKING TRACK CHORUS 418 00:21:45,080 --> 00:21:47,920 When did she learn to speak Italian? 419 00:21:47,920 --> 00:21:51,520 She can't even walk in a straight line. 420 00:21:51,520 --> 00:21:55,920 Mais je t'aime, si je t'aime 421 00:21:55,920 --> 00:21:59,120 Prends garde a toi. 422 00:22:03,160 --> 00:22:04,480 COUGHS 423 00:22:06,000 --> 00:22:08,360 CHEERING 424 00:22:24,360 --> 00:22:26,320 Chi, that was crazy. 425 00:22:26,320 --> 00:22:29,280 I mean, you could do Royal Variety. 426 00:22:29,280 --> 00:22:31,320 I mean, I think it worked better with Karen but... 427 00:22:31,320 --> 00:22:33,040 Oh, yeah, you were good too, sorry. 428 00:22:33,040 --> 00:22:35,280 Yeah, I wasn't good enough, though, was I, Dave? 429 00:22:35,280 --> 00:22:37,080 You know, I didn't even come second. 430 00:22:37,080 --> 00:22:38,640 It's just like the Saturdays 431 00:22:38,640 --> 00:22:40,320 all over again. Oh, give it a rest! 432 00:22:40,320 --> 00:22:41,680 Excuse me? 433 00:22:41,680 --> 00:22:44,040 I said give it a rest - you're always complaining. 434 00:22:44,040 --> 00:22:46,200 I mean if it's not one thing it's the other 435 00:22:46,200 --> 00:22:47,880 and you always want what you can't have 436 00:22:47,880 --> 00:22:50,040 and nothing is ever good enough for you. How dare you! 437 00:22:50,040 --> 00:22:52,280 Do you know who you're talking to? Well, it sure as fuck 438 00:22:52,280 --> 00:22:53,720 isn't Frankie Bridge! Dave! 439 00:22:53,720 --> 00:22:55,800 No, no, no... Guys, guys! 440 00:22:55,800 --> 00:23:00,640 You don't want this... Let's handle this properly, like adults. 441 00:23:01,960 --> 00:23:03,760 Are we going to be on TV? 442 00:23:03,760 --> 00:23:07,240 Lucas feels like Karen always wants what she can't have 443 00:23:07,240 --> 00:23:11,280 and that she treats her niece Chi unfairly. However, Karen 444 00:23:11,280 --> 00:23:14,600 feels like Chi shouldn't have won because she has no stage presence. 445 00:23:14,600 --> 00:23:16,120 Karen has no life presence. 446 00:23:16,120 --> 00:23:17,880 That's a bit harsh, Lil Cass. 447 00:23:17,880 --> 00:23:19,600 It's Lu-cas! 448 00:23:19,600 --> 00:23:22,760 And you can shut up too. I mean, yeah, Karen's a beast 449 00:23:22,760 --> 00:23:25,280 but at least she's been present. Thank you. 450 00:23:25,280 --> 00:23:26,640 Wait, beast? God knows how many 451 00:23:26,640 --> 00:23:29,000 other kids you've mothered that you don't know about. 452 00:23:29,000 --> 00:23:31,360 Yeah, Michelle! At least she's alive! 453 00:23:31,360 --> 00:23:35,800 OK, so Chi likes the fact that Michelle is alive. 454 00:23:35,800 --> 00:23:38,320 Is there something you'd like to say to Karen? 455 00:23:38,320 --> 00:23:40,240 Yeah, actually, Sarah, there is. 456 00:23:40,240 --> 00:23:42,280 Thank you for asking. OK, go ahead. 457 00:23:43,920 --> 00:23:46,320 You need to be nicer to Chi because she loves you 458 00:23:46,320 --> 00:23:49,200 and her parents are dead. 459 00:23:49,200 --> 00:23:52,040 I mean, look at us! This isn't what this trip was meant to be about. 460 00:23:52,040 --> 00:23:55,680 It was meant to be about caravans and family. 461 00:23:55,680 --> 00:23:58,000 You're absolutely right, Lu... 462 00:23:58,000 --> 00:24:00,040 Lu-cas? Is it Lu-cas? 463 00:24:00,040 --> 00:24:02,880 Well, it's...it's Lucas, yeah. 464 00:24:02,880 --> 00:24:05,040 I haven't been there for ya. 465 00:24:05,040 --> 00:24:08,000 But...I'm going to really try! 466 00:24:09,360 --> 00:24:13,000 It's OK. I understand, but... 467 00:24:13,000 --> 00:24:16,400 ..but...at least we have right now. 468 00:24:16,400 --> 00:24:17,720 Exactly! 469 00:24:17,720 --> 00:24:21,360 I'm going to be there for you from now on. Really? 470 00:24:21,360 --> 00:24:23,800 Yeah! That's great, Mum. I know. 471 00:24:23,800 --> 00:24:25,240 Oh, thank you. Yeah. 472 00:24:25,240 --> 00:24:28,240 That makes me really happy. Oh, good. 473 00:24:28,240 --> 00:24:31,000 Having said all that, I am about to move to Spain. 474 00:24:31,000 --> 00:24:32,400 What? What? 475 00:24:32,400 --> 00:24:33,760 Yeah. 476 00:24:33,760 --> 00:24:35,640 Ooh-ah Just a little bit 477 00:24:35,640 --> 00:24:37,120 Ooh-ah A little bit more 478 00:24:37,120 --> 00:24:39,000 Ooh-ah Just a little bit 479 00:24:39,000 --> 00:24:40,680 You know what I'm looking for 480 00:24:40,680 --> 00:24:42,480 Ooh-ah Just a little bit 481 00:24:42,480 --> 00:24:44,440 Ooh-ah A little bit more 482 00:24:44,440 --> 00:24:46,280 Ooh-ah Just a little bit 483 00:24:46,280 --> 00:24:48,440 I'll give you love you can't ignore 484 00:24:50,920 --> 00:24:53,760 What can you do for me? 485 00:24:53,760 --> 00:24:56,360 Oh, what can you do? 486 00:24:56,360 --> 00:25:00,640 Cos I feel so alive 487 00:25:00,640 --> 00:25:03,840 I feel your love inside... 488 00:25:03,890 --> 00:25:08,440 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 35173

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