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1
00:00:35,668 --> 00:00:36,402
Here you go.
2
00:00:36,553 --> 00:00:38,186
Oh, thanks.
3
00:00:41,340 --> 00:00:44,526
I think somebody's into me.
4
00:00:44,594 --> 00:00:45,961
What?
5
00:00:46,029 --> 00:00:47,863
Look what she gave me.
She gave me pretzels.
6
00:00:47,931 --> 00:00:49,898
Look at what everyone
else has-peanuts.
7
00:00:49,966 --> 00:00:51,233
So?
8
00:00:51,301 --> 00:00:52,434
So I was in here the other day.
9
00:00:52,502 --> 00:00:54,603
I told her I was
allergic to peanuts.
10
00:00:54,671 --> 00:00:56,405
And Sienna remembered.
11
00:00:56,472 --> 00:00:57,840
That doesn't mean she's
into you, all right?
12
00:00:57,907 --> 00:01:00,476
It means she doesn't want to have
to open your throat with a pen.
13
00:01:00,543 --> 00:01:03,712
You know what? Just
face it, Danny.
14
00:01:03,780 --> 00:01:07,683
The "pretty lady" bus has just
pulled in to Spenceville.
15
00:01:09,052 --> 00:01:10,452
Come on, you got to choose.
16
00:01:10,520 --> 00:01:11,887
All right, fine.
17
00:01:11,955 --> 00:01:13,488
Um, I guess I'd rather have
18
00:01:13,556 --> 00:01:15,257
my feet cut off.
19
00:01:15,325 --> 00:01:17,109
So you're gonna go no
feet instead of no hands.
20
00:01:17,177 --> 00:01:18,778
All right. How are
you gonna walk?
21
00:01:18,845 --> 00:01:20,980
I don't know, man. You
said I had to pick one.
22
00:01:21,047 --> 00:01:22,531
I know. But the obvious
choice is hands.
23
00:01:22,599 --> 00:01:26,067
I mean, you need feet to
be able to move around.
24
00:01:26,135 --> 00:01:28,286
You have feet and you
don't move around.
25
00:01:31,808 --> 00:01:33,709
This is what I get for trying to have
a serious conversation with you.
26
00:01:33,777 --> 00:01:35,560
We'd better get going or
we'll be late for the movie.
27
00:01:35,628 --> 00:01:36,962
Oh, I'm not gonna be
late because I got feet.
28
00:01:37,030 --> 00:01:39,931
Good luck getting there
on your ankle nubs, yeah.
29
00:01:39,999 --> 00:01:41,100
You all set?
30
00:01:41,167 --> 00:01:42,368
Uh, yep.
31
00:01:42,435 --> 00:01:45,704
And this is for you.
32
00:01:45,771 --> 00:01:46,838
Oh, thanks.
33
00:01:46,906 --> 00:01:48,907
Let me get you some change.
34
00:01:48,975 --> 00:01:50,692
Oh, no sweat. Keep it.
35
00:01:50,760 --> 00:01:52,328
Hey! Thank you very much.
36
00:01:53,930 --> 00:01:55,347
How much did you give her?
37
00:01:55,415 --> 00:01:56,748
I don't know. Five bucks.
38
00:01:56,817 --> 00:01:58,083
Five?!
39
00:01:58,151 --> 00:01:59,417
I only gave her two,
40
00:01:59,485 --> 00:02:00,986
and our checks were
exactly the same.
41
00:02:01,054 --> 00:02:03,660
Hey, man, I used to be
a waiter, all right?
42
00:02:03,685 --> 00:02:06,819
I know what's it like to
serve idiots like you.
43
00:02:07,409 --> 00:02:09,571
You made me look bad
in front of Sienna.
44
00:02:09,595 --> 00:02:12,514
No. I think the thing hanging out
of your nose beat me to the punch.
45
00:02:18,171 --> 00:02:19,688
The movie really
got me thinking.
46
00:02:19,756 --> 00:02:22,691
I mean, why aren't there people
living on Mercury right now?
47
00:02:22,759 --> 00:02:24,326
Well, for one thing,
it's 800 degrees.
48
00:02:24,393 --> 00:02:26,328
We'd burn up in,
like, two seconds.
49
00:02:26,395 --> 00:02:27,896
No. If we're wearing,
like, special suits,
50
00:02:27,931 --> 00:02:29,331
like Nick Nolte and
Martin Lawrence.
51
00:02:29,398 --> 00:02:33,134
P.S., they'd be great in
"the Doug and Deacon story."
52
00:02:33,202 --> 00:02:35,420
Oh. I got two messages.
53
00:02:35,488 --> 00:02:36,889
It's me. Listen, real quick,
54
00:02:36,956 --> 00:02:38,557
there's a pie in the fridge.
55
00:02:38,625 --> 00:02:40,058
It's for my book club.
56
00:02:40,126 --> 00:02:41,727
Please don't touch it.
57
00:02:41,794 --> 00:02:42,828
Doug...
58
00:02:42,896 --> 00:02:45,363
Please. Bye.
59
00:02:45,431 --> 00:02:47,883
We'll see.
60
00:02:47,951 --> 00:02:49,084
Hi.
61
00:02:49,152 --> 00:02:51,386
I hope this is the
Doug Heffernan
62
00:02:51,455 --> 00:02:54,323
I met in the Hamptons.
It's Jessica.
63
00:02:54,390 --> 00:02:57,125
I can't stop thinking
about last weekend.
64
00:02:57,193 --> 00:03:00,746
How good you smelled,
65
00:03:00,813 --> 00:03:04,917
how your lips tasted,
66
00:03:04,984 --> 00:03:07,085
about what we did on the beach.
67
00:03:09,321 --> 00:03:11,523
Anyway, you got my number.
Give me a call.
68
00:03:16,296 --> 00:03:17,913
Talk to me, player.
69
00:03:19,883 --> 00:03:24,003
Is it possible I blacked out...
70
00:03:26,339 --> 00:03:27,940
Went to the Hamptons...
71
00:03:29,342 --> 00:03:33,678
And let a very hot
girl taste me?
72
00:03:35,649 --> 00:03:37,599
I'm guessing no, but what
was that about? Damn!
73
00:03:37,667 --> 00:03:38,800
I don't know.
74
00:03:38,869 --> 00:03:40,269
I guess there's another
Doug Heffernan.
75
00:03:40,337 --> 00:03:42,604
She probably got my
number by mistake.
76
00:03:42,672 --> 00:03:44,856
I got to erase that, though.
Carrie can't hear that.
77
00:03:44,924 --> 00:03:46,691
What for? You
didn't do anything.
78
00:03:46,759 --> 00:03:48,910
No. Trust me. She's got quite
a jealous streak going.
79
00:03:48,978 --> 00:03:50,279
If she hears that...
80
00:03:50,346 --> 00:03:51,880
Ok, ok.
81
00:03:51,947 --> 00:03:53,449
I'm serious, man. Once
I was in a supermarket
82
00:03:53,516 --> 00:03:55,283
and another girl
just looked at me.
83
00:03:55,352 --> 00:03:57,653
Carrie beat her
with a cantaloupe.
84
00:03:57,721 --> 00:03:59,388
So I never got this message,
85
00:03:59,455 --> 00:04:01,557
and I never got the
one about the pie.
86
00:04:01,624 --> 00:04:02,891
Let's go.
87
00:04:12,685 --> 00:04:13,652
Yello.
88
00:04:13,719 --> 00:04:14,653
Doug?
89
00:04:14,720 --> 00:04:15,654
Yeah.
90
00:04:15,721 --> 00:04:18,190
Hi. It's Jessica
from the Hamptons.
91
00:04:18,258 --> 00:04:20,275
I hope you remember me.
92
00:04:20,343 --> 00:04:22,645
Uh, yeah. Actually,
I'm glad you called.
93
00:04:22,712 --> 00:04:23,979
You are?
94
00:04:24,047 --> 00:04:25,915
Yeah. Look, you know what?
It was not me who was with-
95
00:04:25,982 --> 00:04:27,299
hey, who's that?
96
00:04:27,367 --> 00:04:28,683
Uh, my mom.
97
00:04:28,751 --> 00:04:30,285
Oh! Good. I need to get
her credit card number
98
00:04:30,353 --> 00:04:32,120
if she still wants
those theater tickets.
99
00:04:32,188 --> 00:04:33,655
Ok, yeah. No, I'll-
I'll tell her.
100
00:04:33,723 --> 00:04:36,024
I got it. Excuse me.
101
00:04:36,092 --> 00:04:37,909
Sorry about that.
102
00:04:37,977 --> 00:04:41,263
That's ok, sexy. You're
worth waiting for.
103
00:04:41,331 --> 00:04:43,332
Listen, I just want you to
know, I'm not the guy who you-
104
00:04:43,400 --> 00:04:45,000
your voice sounds
deeper on the phone.
105
00:04:45,068 --> 00:04:46,835
Really? Because I'm just
talking, you know, normally.
106
00:04:46,903 --> 00:04:48,203
I mean.
107
00:04:48,271 --> 00:04:49,838
Hey. Did you get the
credit card number?
108
00:04:49,905 --> 00:04:51,656
Oh, no, I didn't. I can't
get a word in edgewise.
109
00:04:51,724 --> 00:04:54,676
You know my mom. She's so crazy.
110
00:04:54,744 --> 00:04:57,629
Listen, it sounds like I
caught you at a bad time.
111
00:04:57,697 --> 00:04:58,963
I- I'll just call back later.
112
00:04:59,031 --> 00:05:00,181
No, no, no. No, no. It's fine.
113
00:05:00,249 --> 00:05:04,553
No? You mean no like
you said on the beach?
114
00:05:04,621 --> 00:05:07,289
Mm!
115
00:05:07,356 --> 00:05:08,857
You know what? Just tell her
that I'll put the tickets
116
00:05:08,925 --> 00:05:11,126
on my credit card. Oh, ok.
117
00:05:11,194 --> 00:05:13,362
Ok. I-I'll do it.
118
00:05:16,031 --> 00:05:19,535
You have a great night, sexy.
Love you.
119
00:05:19,602 --> 00:05:20,802
Ok. Love you, too. Ok.
120
00:05:20,870 --> 00:05:23,472
Mom, mom, mom.
121
00:05:31,347 --> 00:05:33,715
Hello.
122
00:05:33,783 --> 00:05:35,067
Hello?
123
00:05:37,670 --> 00:05:39,871
That's the third hang
up this morning.
124
00:05:39,939 --> 00:05:40,906
Really?
125
00:05:40,974 --> 00:05:42,324
Yeah. Twice while you
were in the shower.
126
00:05:42,391 --> 00:05:43,875
Listen, tell your girlfriends
to at least wait
127
00:05:43,943 --> 00:05:45,477
until I've gone to work.
128
00:05:46,896 --> 00:05:48,030
Hey, car.
129
00:05:48,097 --> 00:05:49,397
Have a good one. All right.
130
00:05:52,635 --> 00:05:53,768
She called again.
131
00:05:53,837 --> 00:05:55,304
Who?
132
00:05:55,371 --> 00:05:57,806
Jessica. She hung up on
Carrie 3 times this morning.
133
00:05:57,873 --> 00:05:59,208
Well, how do you know
for sure it was her?
134
00:05:59,275 --> 00:06:02,177
Trust me. It's her.
She's obsessed with me.
135
00:06:02,244 --> 00:06:04,028
You mean, with the
other Doug Heffernan.
136
00:06:04,096 --> 00:06:06,998
No. With me, too. Ok,
she called last night,
137
00:06:07,066 --> 00:06:08,767
and, well, we talked.
138
00:06:08,834 --> 00:06:10,201
Well, why didn't you tell her
you weren't the same guy?
139
00:06:10,270 --> 00:06:12,437
I tried, but Carrie was
standing right there.
140
00:06:12,505 --> 00:06:15,607
Well, so now she thinks you are the
Doug Heffernan she slept with?
141
00:06:15,674 --> 00:06:20,179
Yes. And I may have
told her I love her.
142
00:06:21,547 --> 00:06:24,316
Wow. You know, for someone
who did nothing wrong,
143
00:06:24,383 --> 00:06:27,051
you've dug yourself
quite a hole here.
144
00:06:28,354 --> 00:06:30,054
Oh, good. I hope that's her.
145
00:06:32,125 --> 00:06:33,057
Hello.
146
00:06:33,126 --> 00:06:34,292
Hi, sexy.
147
00:06:34,360 --> 00:06:35,243
Jessica. It's Jessica.
148
00:06:35,311 --> 00:06:37,545
Yeah, yeah. I got that.
149
00:06:37,613 --> 00:06:41,116
Hey, uh, I'm-I'm
glad you called.
150
00:06:41,184 --> 00:06:44,119
Um, look, this whole thing kind
of got out of control here,
151
00:06:44,187 --> 00:06:46,722
but the bottom line, I'm not
the same person you were with
152
00:06:46,790 --> 00:06:47,923
in the Hamptons.
153
00:06:47,991 --> 00:06:50,092
That night changed me, too.
154
00:06:52,028 --> 00:06:53,912
No, no, no, no. You
don't understand.
155
00:06:53,980 --> 00:06:56,682
It's not me. I don't-I
don't even know you.
156
00:06:56,749 --> 00:06:58,366
What? What's going
on here, Doug?
157
00:06:58,434 --> 00:07:01,070
Last night you tell
me you love me,
158
00:07:01,137 --> 00:07:03,806
and then this morning some
strange woman answers your phone
159
00:07:03,873 --> 00:07:06,842
and suddenly you don't know me?
160
00:07:06,910 --> 00:07:08,476
Yes. So we're good?
161
00:07:10,813 --> 00:07:13,131
Look, Doug, don't play games.
162
00:07:13,199 --> 00:07:15,617
If this was only a one-night
thing for you, just say so
163
00:07:15,685 --> 00:07:17,152
and you'll never
hear from me again.
164
00:07:17,219 --> 00:07:18,353
No, it's not that-
165
00:07:18,421 --> 00:07:19,555
just say it!
166
00:07:19,622 --> 00:07:22,891
It was a one-night thing for me.
167
00:07:22,959 --> 00:07:26,662
Oh, God. I knew it, I knew it!
168
00:07:26,729 --> 00:07:29,230
Oh, hey, come on. Don't cry.
Come on.
169
00:07:29,298 --> 00:07:32,734
No! Look, it's not you.
170
00:07:32,802 --> 00:07:34,670
It's-it's-it's me.
171
00:07:34,737 --> 00:07:35,871
What?
172
00:07:38,474 --> 00:07:39,591
Yeah, right.
173
00:07:39,658 --> 00:07:42,927
Look, you're an awesome person,
174
00:07:42,996 --> 00:07:48,800
and one day, you're gonna find
someone just as good as me.
175
00:07:53,189 --> 00:07:56,925
Well, I guess I'm lucky to have
had at least one night with you.
176
00:07:56,993 --> 00:07:59,862
No, Jessica, we're both lucky.
177
00:08:02,265 --> 00:08:04,666
Now, you go have
yourself a great life.
178
00:08:04,734 --> 00:08:06,969
Bye.
179
00:08:11,240 --> 00:08:12,874
I just need a minute.
180
00:08:21,367 --> 00:08:23,985
4- ball, side pocket.
181
00:08:24,053 --> 00:08:28,523
Yep. You got to be happy
with what you got, Deac.
182
00:08:28,591 --> 00:08:31,159
What do you mean?
183
00:08:31,226 --> 00:08:33,862
Kelly. Love your wife, man.
184
00:08:33,930 --> 00:08:36,114
I do love my wife.
185
00:08:36,181 --> 00:08:38,750
That's good. That's good.
You should love her.
186
00:08:38,818 --> 00:08:42,337
Yeah, because I'm not taking
Carrie for granted any more.
187
00:08:42,404 --> 00:08:44,773
I learned my lesson.
188
00:08:44,841 --> 00:08:46,208
What lesson? You didn't cheat.
189
00:08:47,610 --> 00:08:49,978
Well, we didn't have sex
in the traditional sense.
190
00:08:50,046 --> 00:08:52,680
You didn't have
sex in any sense.
191
00:08:52,748 --> 00:08:53,949
Sounds like somebody wishes
192
00:08:54,017 --> 00:08:55,583
they got the wrong message
on their machine.
193
00:08:57,053 --> 00:09:01,540
Ok, so I'm gonna leave her $5,
194
00:09:01,607 --> 00:09:04,776
and I'm thinking you
should stiff her.
195
00:09:04,844 --> 00:09:06,094
What? No, I'm not stiffing her.
196
00:09:06,162 --> 00:09:08,463
Oh, come on. You owe me one, Mr.
Big tipper.
197
00:09:08,531 --> 00:09:10,449
And by the way, I
talked to my mom.
198
00:09:10,516 --> 00:09:12,784
12% is very generous
for beverages.
199
00:09:12,851 --> 00:09:14,619
You know what? This whole
thing is really stupid,
200
00:09:14,687 --> 00:09:16,154
and I'm not gonna do it.
201
00:09:16,221 --> 00:09:18,556
Oh, I see what's happening.
202
00:09:18,624 --> 00:09:20,375
What are you talking about?
203
00:09:20,443 --> 00:09:21,977
You over-tipped on purpose
because you're afraid
204
00:09:22,044 --> 00:09:24,112
if I hook up with someone,
I'm gonna move out
205
00:09:24,179 --> 00:09:25,380
and you're gonna be all alone.
206
00:09:25,447 --> 00:09:27,215
Oh, yeah, yeah.
That's what I did,
207
00:09:27,282 --> 00:09:28,216
because I'd hate to
come home every night
208
00:09:28,284 --> 00:09:31,486
not seeing you do pilates
in a half-shirt.
209
00:09:31,554 --> 00:09:32,787
Hey, look, that's not the point.
210
00:09:32,855 --> 00:09:34,623
The point is, ever
since the holidays,
211
00:09:34,690 --> 00:09:36,290
you've become more
and more possessive.
212
00:09:36,358 --> 00:09:37,859
And other people have noticed.
213
00:09:37,927 --> 00:09:39,244
Oh, have they? Yeah. Yeah.
214
00:09:39,312 --> 00:09:41,046
Oh, good. Sienna, I'm ready.
215
00:09:42,848 --> 00:09:47,635
Ok, the bill for me is 10.85.
216
00:09:47,703 --> 00:09:49,738
Here's 20. Keep the change.
217
00:09:49,805 --> 00:09:51,506
Ah, thank you very much.
218
00:09:51,574 --> 00:09:55,126
Uh, ok, well, um,
this is for the food.
219
00:09:55,194 --> 00:09:59,747
And, uh, here's a little
something extra for you.
220
00:09:59,815 --> 00:10:01,950
This is a $100 bill.
221
00:10:02,018 --> 00:10:05,703
Yup, there's plenty more
where that came from.
222
00:10:05,771 --> 00:10:09,558
I don't know what you
expect in return for this,
223
00:10:09,626 --> 00:10:11,009
but I'm not for sale.
224
00:10:12,828 --> 00:10:14,630
See you at home, lumpy.
225
00:10:18,668 --> 00:10:22,520
Mmm. That feels so good, baby.
What's gotten into you?
226
00:10:22,588 --> 00:10:25,223
Nothing. I just got the
greatest wife in the world
227
00:10:25,290 --> 00:10:28,527
and I want her to know
I appreciate her.
228
00:10:28,594 --> 00:10:32,313
Doug, that is so sweet.
229
00:10:38,888 --> 00:10:40,589
You've reached the
Heffernan house.
230
00:10:40,656 --> 00:10:41,856
Leave a message.
231
00:10:41,924 --> 00:10:43,391
Hi, Doug.
232
00:10:47,563 --> 00:10:49,564
It's Jessica.
233
00:10:49,632 --> 00:10:51,533
Look, I know I promised
not to call again,
234
00:10:51,600 --> 00:10:53,135
but, um...
235
00:10:53,202 --> 00:10:56,037
I'm having some wine and...
236
00:10:56,105 --> 00:10:59,374
I couldn't help thinking
about last Saturday,
237
00:10:59,442 --> 00:11:02,727
lying naked on the sand.
238
00:11:07,517 --> 00:11:10,935
I still quiver when I think
about being with you.
239
00:11:11,003 --> 00:11:14,039
Oh, God. What am I doing?
240
00:11:14,107 --> 00:11:15,841
I shouldn't have called you.
I'm sorry.
241
00:11:15,908 --> 00:11:18,509
I won't bother you again.
I love you.
242
00:11:24,784 --> 00:11:28,403
Deacon. He is the man
of a thousand voices.
243
00:11:28,471 --> 00:11:29,570
Come on.
244
00:11:29,638 --> 00:11:32,240
What the hell was that about?
245
00:11:32,308 --> 00:11:33,759
Oh, my God. It's not what
you think, all right?
246
00:11:33,826 --> 00:11:36,327
Look, there's another
Doug Heffernan,
247
00:11:36,396 --> 00:11:37,929
and this girl, she got
the wrong number.
248
00:11:37,997 --> 00:11:39,931
And I tried to tell her
I wasn't that Doug,
249
00:11:39,999 --> 00:11:41,600
but she didn't believe me,
250
00:11:41,667 --> 00:11:43,418
so I just-I had to
break up with her, and-
251
00:11:46,773 --> 00:11:51,026
that didn't go well because
she's really into me.
252
00:11:52,378 --> 00:11:53,461
Carrie, I swear to God,
253
00:11:53,529 --> 00:11:54,797
I would never do
anything to hurt you.
254
00:11:54,864 --> 00:11:56,348
I got to throw up. I swear.
255
00:11:56,415 --> 00:11:59,033
All right, all right.
Listen, calm down.
256
00:11:59,101 --> 00:12:01,002
I believe you.
257
00:12:01,070 --> 00:12:02,320
Really?
258
00:12:02,388 --> 00:12:05,840
Yes. But next time, instead
of being such an idiot,
259
00:12:05,909 --> 00:12:08,626
tell me about it, ok?
260
00:12:08,694 --> 00:12:09,845
Ah, baby, come here.
You're trembling.
261
00:12:09,913 --> 00:12:11,780
Aw. Ok.
262
00:12:11,848 --> 00:12:12,998
All right, honey.
263
00:12:13,065 --> 00:12:14,983
Hey, you're being really
cool about this, you know?
264
00:12:15,051 --> 00:12:17,286
Oh, come on. I knew that there
was no way that could be you.
265
00:12:24,227 --> 00:12:25,344
Uh...
266
00:12:26,912 --> 00:12:30,549
What did you mean that
that couldn't be me?
267
00:12:30,616 --> 00:12:33,184
Oh. Just because I trust you.
268
00:12:33,252 --> 00:12:36,722
And that message, I mean, come on!
Ha ha!
269
00:12:36,789 --> 00:12:39,691
We weren't even together
Saturday night.
270
00:12:39,758 --> 00:12:41,459
I told you I went bowling,
but I can't even prove that,
271
00:12:41,527 --> 00:12:44,362
because I paid cash, so that
very well could have been me.
272
00:12:44,430 --> 00:12:47,199
That's true. Still.
273
00:12:49,668 --> 00:12:53,288
For God's sakes, my - my shirt was
ripped when I came home, remember?
274
00:12:53,355 --> 00:12:55,373
Yeah. You said you caught
it in the ball return.
275
00:12:55,441 --> 00:12:56,591
And you believed that?
276
00:12:56,659 --> 00:12:58,994
I mean, any reasonable person
would think I cheated on you.
277
00:12:59,062 --> 00:13:00,712
Ok, baby.
278
00:13:07,420 --> 00:13:10,055
I couldn't help thinking
279
00:13:10,122 --> 00:13:15,444
about last Saturday,
lying naked on the sand.
280
00:13:15,511 --> 00:13:19,464
I still quiver when I think
about being with you.
281
00:13:19,532 --> 00:13:22,734
Oh, God. What am I doing-
282
00:13:22,802 --> 00:13:24,619
she did not just say "quiver."
283
00:13:24,687 --> 00:13:26,054
She did. And Doug was afraid
284
00:13:26,122 --> 00:13:27,956
that I would think it was him.
285
00:13:31,277 --> 00:13:34,413
I got to say, though, this other Doug
Heffernan sounds pretty amazing.
286
00:13:34,480 --> 00:13:36,097
He does!
287
00:13:40,686 --> 00:13:42,737
Well, what are you doing?
288
00:13:42,805 --> 00:13:44,806
I'm just gonna Google
this guy just for kicks.
289
00:13:44,874 --> 00:13:47,742
You know, when Doug and
I were first engaged,
290
00:13:47,810 --> 00:13:49,210
I was getting cold feet,
291
00:13:49,278 --> 00:13:50,679
so I went to see this
psychic on coney island,
292
00:13:50,746 --> 00:13:51,913
and she said,
293
00:13:51,981 --> 00:13:55,684
"yes, Doug Heffernan is the
guy you should marry."
294
00:13:55,751 --> 00:13:57,052
I hope I got the right one.
295
00:14:02,625 --> 00:14:05,760
So you're mad because
she believed you?
296
00:14:05,828 --> 00:14:08,763
Yes. I mean, I give her some
half-assed explanation,
297
00:14:08,831 --> 00:14:10,999
and she accepts it
just like that?
298
00:14:11,067 --> 00:14:12,067
You know what I should do?
299
00:14:12,150 --> 00:14:12,865
I should go out and
have a real affair
300
00:14:12,890 --> 00:14:13,607
just to show her.
301
00:14:13,632 --> 00:14:14,932
Are you serious?
302
00:14:15,052 --> 00:14:18,073
No. It sounds like
a lot of work.
303
00:14:18,141 --> 00:14:19,074
Oh, God.
304
00:14:19,142 --> 00:14:20,442
What?
305
00:14:20,510 --> 00:14:22,610
The red light's blinking.
That's her again.
306
00:14:22,678 --> 00:14:24,112
It could be anybody.
307
00:14:24,180 --> 00:14:26,448
Oh, please. You're here.
Who else calls me?
308
00:14:28,484 --> 00:14:29,951
Hey, Doug Heffernan,
309
00:14:30,019 --> 00:14:33,237
this is Hector - Jessica's boyfriend.
You're dead, you hear me?
310
00:14:33,305 --> 00:14:35,039
Your face is dead.
Your legs are dead.
311
00:14:35,107 --> 00:14:37,959
Your whole body's dead.
You are dead.
312
00:14:42,264 --> 00:14:45,567
Now I'm really starting
to enjoy this.
313
00:14:45,634 --> 00:14:48,003
Shut up, all right? I got to
figure something out here.
314
00:14:48,071 --> 00:14:49,337
I got to find Jessica,
315
00:14:49,405 --> 00:14:50,806
hook her up with the
other Doug Heffernan,
316
00:14:50,873 --> 00:14:53,075
and get her boyfriend
off my back.
317
00:14:53,142 --> 00:14:54,376
And I got to tell you,
318
00:14:54,444 --> 00:14:57,446
you're lucky you're not
cursed with this charisma.
319
00:15:00,450 --> 00:15:02,400
Why do I have to talk to her?
320
00:15:02,468 --> 00:15:05,336
Because it's your fault that she thinks
that I think she's a prostitute.
321
00:15:05,404 --> 00:15:07,271
Oh, God. I can't wait till
you finally do move out
322
00:15:07,339 --> 00:15:09,474
and I can stop cleaning up
323
00:15:09,542 --> 00:15:11,543
this mess you call
your personal life.
324
00:15:11,611 --> 00:15:13,211
Yeah, ok, just go. Go.
325
00:15:17,967 --> 00:15:19,083
What can I get you?
326
00:15:19,151 --> 00:15:20,519
Ah, anything on tap.
327
00:15:20,586 --> 00:15:24,489
Actually, I wanted to talk to
you about my friend over there.
328
00:15:24,557 --> 00:15:26,808
What about him?
329
00:15:26,876 --> 00:15:29,344
Well, you know the
$100 he gave you?
330
00:15:29,412 --> 00:15:32,046
He really didn't mean
anything bad by it.
331
00:15:32,114 --> 00:15:35,417
It's just the other day when you gave
him pretzels instead of peanuts,
332
00:15:35,485 --> 00:15:38,520
he had this stupid idea
that you liked him.
333
00:15:38,588 --> 00:15:40,705
I do like him.
334
00:15:40,773 --> 00:15:41,856
Come again?
335
00:15:43,859 --> 00:15:45,927
I like him a lot.
336
00:15:47,079 --> 00:15:48,847
You're talking about that
guy right over there?
337
00:15:50,516 --> 00:15:52,216
Yes. Yes.
338
00:15:52,284 --> 00:15:55,270
The reason I got so
upset about the money,
339
00:15:55,337 --> 00:15:57,572
I thought he didn't respect me.
340
00:15:57,640 --> 00:16:00,808
So you're saying that you could
really get serious with him?
341
00:16:00,876 --> 00:16:02,577
Yeah.
342
00:16:02,645 --> 00:16:05,313
Well, what happens if you guys hit
it off and get a place together?
343
00:16:05,380 --> 00:16:06,915
I mean, what about his
roommate, huh? Huh?
344
00:16:08,935 --> 00:16:10,885
What about the car they share
and the joint checking account?
345
00:16:12,322 --> 00:16:14,322
Um, I don't even know
what to say here.
346
00:16:14,390 --> 00:16:15,723
Excuse me.
347
00:16:21,464 --> 00:16:23,165
So?
348
00:16:23,232 --> 00:16:25,934
Sorry, bro. She
ain't into dudes.
349
00:16:26,002 --> 00:16:28,203
What?!
350
00:16:28,271 --> 00:16:31,423
Yeah. Who wants to go to Ikea?
351
00:16:32,692 --> 00:16:34,092
Come on!
352
00:16:38,831 --> 00:16:42,767
Yes. Hi. I need to make an
appointment with Dr. Heffernan.
353
00:16:45,137 --> 00:16:47,088
Oh, he is? Ok, how
about next week?
354
00:16:47,156 --> 00:16:52,260
He's booked all month? Look,
I really need to see him.
355
00:16:52,327 --> 00:16:54,428
Is he free for lunch?
356
00:16:55,865 --> 00:16:58,767
Work with me, Mildred. Please.
357
00:16:58,834 --> 00:17:02,537
All right, could you send
me a picture of him?
358
00:17:02,604 --> 00:17:04,438
No, you're weird.
359
00:17:10,946 --> 00:17:13,681
Yeah, I'm looking for Doug Heffernan.
Does he live here?
360
00:17:13,749 --> 00:17:14,966
Yeah.
361
00:17:15,033 --> 00:17:16,067
Yeah, well, he's been
messing with my girlfriend.
362
00:17:16,134 --> 00:17:17,301
I'm gonna kill him.
363
00:17:17,369 --> 00:17:19,871
All right, you know what?
Calm down, chachi.
364
00:17:20,023 --> 00:17:23,524
Look, you got the wrong
Doug Heffernan, ok?
365
00:17:23,592 --> 00:17:26,627
Here's the address of the
guy you're looking for.
366
00:17:26,695 --> 00:17:28,146
And good luck getting
an appointment.
367
00:17:30,983 --> 00:17:33,752
Actually, you know what? I'm
gonna come with. Hang on.
368
00:17:42,845 --> 00:17:44,279
Who is it?
369
00:17:44,347 --> 00:17:45,497
It's Doug Heffernan.
370
00:17:45,564 --> 00:17:47,165
Oh, my God. Oh, my God!
371
00:17:47,232 --> 00:17:51,903
No, no. Not "oh, my God." No, no.
It's not what you think it is.
372
00:17:51,970 --> 00:17:53,271
Um, it's just gonna be a minute.
373
00:17:53,339 --> 00:17:55,106
Oh, God. My place is a mess.
374
00:17:55,174 --> 00:17:57,892
You know, I wouldn't clean it.
I wouldn't.
375
00:17:57,960 --> 00:18:03,014
Doug? Uh, where's Doug?
376
00:18:03,081 --> 00:18:06,350
You're gonna get a
kick out of this.
377
00:18:07,653 --> 00:18:09,988
All right, look,
when we get there,
378
00:18:10,056 --> 00:18:12,557
I'm gonna go inside, get a
look at him, see what's what,
379
00:18:12,624 --> 00:18:14,358
and then you can carve him
up like a Turkey, all right?
380
00:18:14,426 --> 00:18:17,078
Whoa! Could you
watch the potholes?
381
00:18:17,146 --> 00:18:19,080
I almost poked my
frickin' eye out.
382
00:18:19,148 --> 00:18:20,831
Sorry.
383
00:18:22,501 --> 00:18:24,719
And do you understand
how devastated I was
384
00:18:24,787 --> 00:18:26,421
when you broke up with me?
385
00:18:26,488 --> 00:18:29,090
Hey, it was a bad day
for both of us, ok?
386
00:18:29,158 --> 00:18:31,275
Now, relax. I'm taking you
to the Doug you want.
387
00:18:31,343 --> 00:18:32,861
Yeah, well, you're only doing it
388
00:18:32,928 --> 00:18:34,537
so that I'll tell my boyfriend
not to kick your ass.
389
00:18:34,572 --> 00:18:36,147
Oh. You mean the boyfriend
you forgot to mention
390
00:18:36,214 --> 00:18:37,799
while we were together?
391
00:18:37,866 --> 00:18:39,534
Look, it's complicated, ok?
392
00:18:41,637 --> 00:18:42,637
Fine.
393
00:18:44,507 --> 00:18:46,791
So you like the beach, huh?
394
00:18:56,635 --> 00:18:58,236
Ok, you got 5 minutes.
395
00:18:58,303 --> 00:19:02,073
Ok, you point that finger at me
again, and I'm gonna break it off.
396
00:19:07,145 --> 00:19:08,596
All right, let's do this.
397
00:19:08,664 --> 00:19:10,198
Ok.
398
00:19:10,266 --> 00:19:12,133
Carrie?
399
00:19:12,201 --> 00:19:14,085
Hey, listen, I'm in a rush,
400
00:19:14,152 --> 00:19:15,986
so I'll just see you
back at the house.
401
00:19:16,054 --> 00:19:18,539
Whoa, whoa! I just
got out of my car
402
00:19:18,607 --> 00:19:20,458
with another woman, the same
woman who's been leaving
403
00:19:20,526 --> 00:19:24,478
sexually explicit messages
on the machine, hmm?
404
00:19:24,546 --> 00:19:25,547
All right. I got to run. Bye.
405
00:19:25,614 --> 00:19:26,648
Wait a second, car-
406
00:19:26,716 --> 00:19:28,216
I could have just as
easily slept with her.
407
00:19:28,283 --> 00:19:29,801
No, you couldn't.
408
00:19:29,869 --> 00:19:31,653
Sure he could. She'll
sleep with anybody.
409
00:19:31,721 --> 00:19:33,154
Thank you. Ok? See that?
410
00:19:33,222 --> 00:19:34,722
She'll sleep with anybody.
Hey, well, you know what?
411
00:19:34,790 --> 00:19:35,990
I'm anybody. Yeah!
412
00:19:36,058 --> 00:19:37,292
Excuse me.
413
00:19:37,360 --> 00:19:38,059
Hey, wait a second.
414
00:19:38,126 --> 00:19:39,310
I know what you've been up to.
415
00:19:39,378 --> 00:19:40,478
I'm sorry. Yeah,
you're gonna be sorry.
416
00:19:40,545 --> 00:19:42,030
What are you even doing here?
417
00:19:42,098 --> 00:19:43,798
Um, I have a doctor's
appointment.
418
00:19:43,866 --> 00:19:45,132
You're unbelievable.
419
00:19:45,200 --> 00:19:46,784
Well, come on. You've been
having a fake affair all week.
420
00:19:46,852 --> 00:19:48,419
Let me have a little fun.
421
00:19:48,487 --> 00:19:50,638
Uh-uh. Uh-uh. You're stuck
with this Doug Heffernan,
422
00:19:50,706 --> 00:19:52,406
not Dr. quiver. Now, let's go home.
Come on.
423
00:19:52,474 --> 00:19:54,475
Doug, come on. I've
come all this way.
424
00:19:54,543 --> 00:19:56,410
Let me just get one
minute with him.
425
00:19:56,478 --> 00:19:59,214
Nope. I can't have one,
you can't have one.
426
00:19:59,281 --> 00:20:01,049
Oh, please don't hurt him.
Don't hurt him, Hector.
427
00:20:01,116 --> 00:20:03,234
Oh, no, no. I'm not gonna hurt him.
I'm gonna kill him.
428
00:20:03,302 --> 00:20:04,468
But, Hector, please!
429
00:20:04,536 --> 00:20:05,603
He's dead.
430
00:20:05,671 --> 00:20:06,871
Oh, God!
431
00:20:08,573 --> 00:20:09,841
Dr. Heffernan,
432
00:20:09,908 --> 00:20:13,644
I think another one of
your women is here.
433
00:20:15,898 --> 00:20:17,865
Oh, that's the one
from the beach.
434
00:20:17,933 --> 00:20:20,201
I'd better go down the back way.
435
00:20:29,395 --> 00:20:31,263
Hi. It's Ken.
436
00:20:31,330 --> 00:20:35,901
Uh, I hope this is the Doug Heffernan
I met on Fire Island last Sunday.
437
00:20:35,969 --> 00:20:39,304
Anyway, I'd love to take you
up on that cup of coffee.
438
00:20:39,372 --> 00:20:40,538
Call me.
439
00:20:42,642 --> 00:20:44,477
What's going on here, Doug?
440
00:20:44,544 --> 00:20:46,879
That you believe?!
32050
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