All language subtitles for The King of Queens (1998) - S06E05 - Nocturnal Omission (1080p BluRay x265 RCVR)

Hey, there are the boys!

Hi. How's it goin'?

Man, am I glad to see

some real
flesh-and-blood humans.

10 hours of sitting
alone on the couch

can do strange things to a man.

Right. Absolutely.

I'm gonna grab a beer.

Make a phone call.

God, I love Friday afternoons.

I feel like an artist

and the weekend that lies
ahead, that's my canvas.

So, what've you got planned?

A lot of naps. How about you?

Actually, I told O'Boyle I'd
work a half day tomorrow.

You volunteered to
work on a Saturday?

Loser!

Hey. Kelly's got the
kids this weekend,

and going to work beats sitting
at home in my apartment

listening to the echo

of what a family
used to sound like.

Loser.

Anyway, I should get rolling.

Hey.

Deacon.

Hey, Carrie. Come here.

Come on.

Ah!

Oh, yeah! That's the good stuff.

All right, get on out
of here, you big lug.

Go on.

Right, uh...

See ya.

Do you have to hit on him

right in front of me?

Shh.

They're getting back together.

Who?

Who? Who do you think?

Van halen?

Deacon and Kelly.

What're you talking about?

He didn't say anything about it.

Because he doesn't
know about it yet.

I just had lunch with
Kelly in the city,

and she said she's
done finding herself,

learning who Kelly is,
blah, blah, blah,

and she is ready to come home,

so when she drops the
kids off Sunday night,

she's gonna tell him
she wants to stay.

My God. That's great.

Great? Come on! It's fantastic!

It is! They finally get
their family back together.

Man, seeing those kids

pack up their little
underoos every weekend,

that was rough.

Yeah. You know who had it rough?
You and me, pal.

Hanging out with all those other
couples the last 2 years.

I hated one more than the next.

Remember the pernworths?

Oh. "Doug, wanna see my
radio-controlled boat?"

Bbblttt! No!

No!

God.

So, why is Kelly waiting

till Sunday night to tell him?

She's gotta take the kids

to visit her mother upstate.

Maybe I should go over
there and tell him myself.

What?! You can't do that.
Why not?

Because it's between
Deacon and Kelly.

It's a private thing.

Meanwhile, Deacon's gotta be
miserable for the whole weekend?

It's 2 days.

Let me paint a
picture for you, ok?

Tonight he's lonely.

He drinks himself to sleep
holding a lit cigarette.

He wakes up in the morning dead!

He doesn't drink or smoke.

Ah, ok. But he shaves, right?

So he's crying while
he's shaving.

Then cuts his throat! Dead!

That's not gonna happen.

He's eating a sandwich-

Doug!

Carrie, I'm serious.

Look, I mean...

The guy's been a wreck, ok?

We got a chance to
help him out here.

Why let him suffer?

All right. You know what?

You wanna go tell your friend
the good news, go tell him.

All right.

I'll do it tomorrow.
Traffic's brutal right now.

Coming.

Howdy-doo!

Hey, man. What you doin' here?

Just doin' the Saturday errands.

Thought I'd come over here,

see if I could
lift your spirits.

Although your spirits
seem pretty lifted.

Yup. Got a little company
coming over in a few minutes.

Oh, yeah? Who?

Oh, you're not gonna
believe it, man.

This morning I had a pickup

at the airport marriott, right?

So I'm standing in
the lobby, waiting,

and I glance over, and
there, checking in,

smiling at me, is this
crazy hot stewardess.

So we start talking. You
know, whatever, whatever.

And she's, like,

"oh, I just got transferred

"to the European route.

"I'm going to London tomorrow

and I won't be back
for at least a year."

And I'm, like, "that's cool.
That's cool.

So, uh, how you gonna spend
your last day here?"

And she says- get this-

"any suggestions?"

Ha ha ha!

I mean, I'm in my
delivery uniform,

she's in her stewardess uniform.

It was like the first
scene in a porno.

So, long story short,

we're going to the met
game this afternoon,

and then afterwards
she's cooking me dinner

here, in my apartment.

It's on, baby! Ha ha ha ha!

Huh!

It's-it's wild, Doug.

I've been through such hell,

and then today, out of nowhere,

a little somethin'- somethin'
from the man upstairs.

And this somethin'- somethin'

is definitely leavin'
the country tomorrow?

Yeah. Why?

Ooh. Bye.

How'd it go?

Great. Stopped off
at the walgreen's,

and you'll be happy to know

somebody's nose hairs will
not survive the night.

No, how'd it go at Deacon's?

Oh, that.

Uh, I decided not to
tell him after all.

You didn't tell him?

Nah.

All right, I need some kind
of cheese to step forward.

Well, what happened?

Why'd you change your mind?

I don't know.

I was thinking about
what you said, you know,

about how it's really
Kelly's place to tell him.

That was quite persuasive.

Sometimes your shrill tone
masks a very good point.

Doug, I just got off
the phone with Kelly,

and she liked the
idea of, you know,

you going over there

and setting the table for her.

All righty, then I'll
set a kick-ass table

first thing tomorrow morning.

Doug, come on. I
don't understand.

Why'd you change your mind?

You're the one who
didn't want your friend

to be miserable all weekend.

He's hangin' in there.

Doug!

Hey! Me again.

Hey, what's goin' on?

You got a sec 'cause,
uh, actually,

I do want to talk
to you after all.

Ok, I think we're getting
food at the game

'cause that lunch meat in your
fridge has seen better days.

Oh, hi.

All right.

Ah, Douglas, just the
man I want to see.

Perhaps you could help me
finish up my crossword puzzle.

Not right now, Arthur.

But I'm tantalizingly close.

The final clue is "I dream of
Jeannie star Larry blank."

Hagman.

That's what I thought,
but apparently

the first 3 letters are b, x, x.

Anything?

Will you please-I-I got
something on my mind here.

Then don't you think you
should talk about it, son?

Maybe you're right.

You got a second?

Of course.

Today I was over at-

time's up!

Marvelous gag, isn't it?

Learned that from
an old army buddy.

Anyway...

You know Deacon and Kelly have been
separated for a couple years now, right?

Well, Kelly's finally ready
to get back together,

but Deacon doesn't
know that yet.

And I went over there
today to tell him that,

but... I didn't.

Why not?

Well...

Don't say anything to Carrie,

but it turns out Deacon
met this stewardess

who's leaving the country
for good tomorrow,

and he's got a
chance to, you know,

be with her tonight.

Suddenly this story turns
erotic and fascinating.

So I figured after all
he's been through,

he deserves a night like that.

But if I tell him about
Kelly coming back,

he's gonna feel too guilty
to go through with it.

So I didn't say anything.

But now I'm just struggling
with whether or not

I made the right decision.

What do you think?

The girl's a
stewardess, you say?

Yes, and smoking hot.

Aren't they all?

Not really, no.

Well, fret not, my boy.

Your instincts were
right on the money.

You think so? Absolutely.

If Deacon is in the dark

about his wife's
desire to reconcile,

there are no moral
chains around him.

He's free to frolic

with a sensuous stranger tonight

and rekindle

the flames of
matrimony tomorrow.

As long as he
changes his sheets,

it's a fairy tale ending!

Thanks, Arthur.

That really makes me
feel a lot better.

That's what I do!

Hello, darling.

Hi, daddy.

Ooh, a pink box.

Are we being treated to
some delicious baked goods?

No. Sorry. It's a cake
for Deacon and Kelly.

I wanted to get them
a little something

for getting back together.

Had them spell out "true love"

in those little candy hearts.

Kind of silly, eh?

Oh, God! I'm a monster!

Huh?

I'm an accomplice to
something terrible.

I should just paint a
Scarlet "a" on myself.

"A" for adultery!

Then after this incident passes,

I suppose it could
stand for Arthur.

That worked out well.

Hi, honey.

Hi.

Whatcha doing?

Just watching the met game.

Oh. Can I get you anything?

Coffee, tea,

maybe a complimentary headset?

Uh-oh.

Yeah.

I heard about the stewardess,

and you're gonna wish your exits

were here and here,

'cause I'm about
to kick your ass.

That's funny.

Ow! What is wrong with you?!

Arthur!

Oh, don't blame him.
This isn't his fault.

Why did he even tell you?

An hour ago, he agreed with me.

Because, as you pointed
out many times,

he's insane.

But at least he has a shred of
decency in him, unlike you.

Will you let me explain?

Please explain to me how
you casually decided

to help your best friend
cheat on his wife.

First of all, it wasn't casual.

It was a very
difficult decision.

Oh, I'm glad you chewed on it

before you came down on
the side of adultery.

Second of all,
it's not adultery,

because they're not
back together.

She's coming back.
He wants her back.

So basically, they
are back together.

But they're not
actually back together

until Deacon knows
they're back together,

which is supposed to
happen Sunday night.

Just because we found
out in advance

doesn't give us the right

to travel back in time

and change their destiny.

Carrie, you don't mess
with the fabric of time.

If there's one thing we learned
in back to the future,

it's that.

This is your explanation?!

You rang, Douglas?

Nothing. Forget it.

While I'm up here,

maybe we can put
our heads together

and finish up this crossword.

Get out!

Who are you calling?

I'm not calling anybody.

You're calling Deacon

to stop this unholy thing

before it happens.

He's not home. They're
at the met game.

Oh, so that's why you were
watching the met game,

to spy on your handiwork.

You got it. Yeah.
It's a deep fly ball,

way back, sailing
high over the couple

humping in the bleachers.

You know what? You are going
over there after the game.

No, I am not.

Doug, I don't understand you.

What's going on with you?

You could be destroying
a marriage here.

It's not gonna
hurt the marriage.

She's leaving the country
for good tomorrow.

She'll be out of Deacon's life

before Kelly walks back in.

We don't have the right
to travel back in time-

will you stop with that already?

There's no time travel
involved here, ok?

Just have the guts to admit

that this is about you
wanting your best friend

to bang a stewardess.

Fine. I admit it.

After what Kelly's
put him through,

I think he deserves this,
and you know what?

Letting it happen
is my gift to him.

This is your idea of a gift?

Yeah. A gift to
celebrate the end

of a horrible 2 years.

Did you get him a gift? No.

Ok, so Deacon getting
his wife back,

his kids,

that's not enough of a gift.

He needs more of a
gift than that.

They're different
kinds of gifts.

That's why you get more than
one gift for Christmas.

For God's sake,
Carrie, Jewish people

give 8 gifts for hanukkah.

Oh, ok. So according
to your logic,

would it be ok if Deacon slept

with 7 other women tonight?

No, 'cause he's not Jewish.

The stupidest conversation

I've ever had.

No. The stupidest
conversation I've ever had,

and besides, Kelly's
been with a million guys

since she left him.

Excuse me. She's been
with exactly 2 guys,

and she only slept
with one of them.

He was an orthodontist.

What the hell does that
have to do with anything?

Just that she regretted it.
It was weird.

The guy cried or something.
I don't know.

The point is that
when that happened,

she didn't know what
was gonna happen

with her and Deacon, ok?

Today is the day before they're
getting back together.

So if the sex goes
past midnight,

it'll be the same day.

The sex probably won't
go past midnight.

Don't be so sure.

Some people can
actually pull that off.

Oh, I see all the
guns are out now!

You can insult me all you want.

I'm still not going over
there and telling him.

I'm just not.

All right.

Look, Doug, ok.

I admit that Deacon being
with this girl tonight

probably won't destroy
their marriage,

and, yes, maybe in some way,

he probably does deserve it.

But I just feel

like not telling
Deacon about Kelly

is just wrong.

Honey, it's wrong,

and I know in your heart

you know that, too.

I don't know. Maybe.

Come on, honey.

After the game, we'll
go over there,

and we'll tell him, all right?

All right, fine.

Ok, good. I'll bet
he thanks you.

Oh, yeah. I expect to get
a very hearty handshake.

When's the game over?

I don't know. A couple
hours at least.

Doug?

What?

It's raining.

So?

It's raining!

There's an abbott and
costello movie on.

"Due to today's rain,

the game will be completed
tomorrow as a doubleheader."

Oh, my God! They're probably
at his apartment right now.

She's probably unpinning
her little wings

as we speak.

He doesn't even realize the
mummy's right behind him.

Doug!

I hope we're not too late.

Yeah, me, too.

Can you hear the doorbell
from the bedroom?

I don't know.

Well, what do you think?

I don't know. It's been a while

since we had a slumber party.

All right, just use your key.

I don't have a key.

Oh, don't give me that.

I know you guys
swapped house keys,

like, 5 years ago.

Oh, right.

My "please burst in if I'm ever
nailing a stewardess" key.

Right.

Just open it.

I don't think they're here.

Do you think they're
in the bedroom,

you know, doing it?

How the hell should I know?

Check it out!

Doug.

Hello?

Deac?

Hot stewardess?

Ha ha ha! I'm sorry.

But I've never seen
anyone run so fast

from a little rain.

This shirt is suede.
It's $60, baby.

Actually, I'm not sorry

the game got rained out.

Gives us more time for dinner

and whatnot.

I like the sound of whatnot.

Ha ha ha.

How's it going?

What were you doing in there?

I heard that the met
game got rained out,

so I came over here

to close your windows.

Ok, once again, what
were you doing in there?

Actually, I need to talk
to you a second alone.

Why don't I just wait inside?

Thanks.

Don't be scared.

The white woman coming
out of the bathroom

will be my wife.

Right.

Ok.

Hi. I'm Melanie.

Wow.

So that's pretty much it.

Kelly's coming back tomorrow.

She loves you, and she
wants to stay married.

Yeah, that's it. That's the
whole deal right there.

Great news, huh, Deac?

Deac, you there, buddy?

I love my wife.

The fact that she's coming back

is the best news

I could ever hope to get.

That being said,

you realize you told me

at the worst possible time,

don't you?

Yes. Yes, I do.

Then why the hell did
you tell me now?!

I'm sorry. Carrie made me.

The only worse time
you could've picked

is if you waited
another half hour

and popped out from
under the covers.

I fought for you!

I fought for you,

and I told her you've
been through hell

and you deserve this,

and then she said some stuff,

and here we are.

Oh, man.

So what are you gonna do?

I don't know. I can't
even think straight.

In my mind, I'm seeing my family

all back together for Christmas,

except instead of a tree,

we're decorating a
naked stewardess.

Deac, that is a
million-dollar idea.

Hey.

Did you guys have your talk?

Yeah.

Oh.

Oh, what?

Nothing. I was just in
there with Melanie,

and, uh, she ain't ugly,

that's for darn tootin'.

What are you saying? I
shouldn't have told him?

No, no. You did the right thing.

Definitely. You definitely
did the right thing,

although she could not be nicer.

She actually gave me some
free coupons for an upgrade.

What the hell is
she doing to me?

I don't know. What the hell
are you doing to him?!

Nothing, nothing, nothing.

I'm just thinking.

They still are
technically separated,

and Kelly did have her thing

with the orthodontist.

She slept with Dr. Gottleib?!

Kind of. It was not a big deal.

Listen, Deacon, you're an adult.

You're capable of making
your own decisions.

We should have never interfered.

Just do what feels right, ok?

Come on, babe.

We were never here.

The last 5 minutes
never happened.

You're just getting
back from the met game.

The mets won.

You've got a beautiful woman

in your apartment
waiting for you.

And go.

Oh, are these your kids?

They're adorable.

Aw, crap.

You know, Deacon,

I actually think this time apart

was the best possible
thing for us,

don't you?

We both got out there

and got to live a little.

I had my experiences,

you had yours.

By the way, can you take Kirby

to his appointment at Dr.
Gottleib's

on Thursday?

We're gonna need a new mirror.