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1
00:00:33,114 --> 00:00:35,283
All right, Dad, we're gonna
be in Florida for 3 days.
2
00:00:35,350 --> 00:00:36,716
I made you lunches and dinners,
3
00:00:36,784 --> 00:00:38,417
but you're on your own for
breakfast, all right?
4
00:00:38,485 --> 00:00:41,886
Well, breakfast is the most
important meal of the day,
5
00:00:41,954 --> 00:00:43,052
but I'll find something.
6
00:00:43,120 --> 00:00:45,988
Perhaps a stray Cocoa
Puff on the floor.
7
00:00:46,056 --> 00:00:48,155
Dad, please don't start.
8
00:00:48,223 --> 00:00:50,023
We visit Doug's
parents once a year.
9
00:00:50,091 --> 00:00:51,023
Just deal with it.
10
00:00:51,092 --> 00:00:52,924
How come you never
come visit me?
11
00:00:54,726 --> 00:00:56,659
Well, you live here, Dad.
12
00:00:56,727 --> 00:00:58,827
I mean really visit.
13
00:00:58,895 --> 00:01:02,162
Sit and chat, get to know
my likes, my dislikes,
14
00:01:02,230 --> 00:01:05,064
my turn-ons, my turn-offs.
15
00:01:05,132 --> 00:01:06,264
You know what my turn-off is?
16
00:01:06,332 --> 00:01:08,399
Old men who leave their
pajama fly open.
17
00:01:08,467 --> 00:01:10,601
Well, you know what
my turn-off is?
18
00:01:10,668 --> 00:01:14,403
So-called "happily married"
guys looking for a free show!
19
00:01:18,806 --> 00:01:22,073
Joe, you shouldn't be
carrying our bags. Really.
20
00:01:22,140 --> 00:01:23,407
Come on. It's my joy.
21
00:01:23,475 --> 00:01:25,808
Doug, why are you letting
your father carry our bags?
22
00:01:25,875 --> 00:01:27,910
Uh, it's his joy.
23
00:01:27,977 --> 00:01:30,076
There they are!
24
00:01:30,144 --> 00:01:31,077
Hey, Rocky!
25
00:01:31,145 --> 00:01:32,978
Get up here!
26
00:01:33,046 --> 00:01:34,046
You're a bum!
27
00:01:34,113 --> 00:01:35,379
You're a bum! You're a bum!
28
00:01:35,448 --> 00:01:37,948
Look at this. Yeah,
you remember Carrie.
29
00:01:38,015 --> 00:01:39,881
You licked her face and got
sick from all the makeup.
30
00:01:39,949 --> 00:01:41,450
Yeah.
31
00:01:41,517 --> 00:01:45,318
I took it down a coat
just for you, Rocky.
32
00:01:45,385 --> 00:01:48,086
So look around. You notice
anything different in here?
33
00:01:48,154 --> 00:01:51,254
Uh, more wicker?
34
00:01:51,322 --> 00:01:53,422
No. We painted.
35
00:01:53,490 --> 00:01:55,590
Oh. Well, what color
was it before?
36
00:01:55,658 --> 00:01:57,691
The same. We just
freshened it up.
37
00:01:57,759 --> 00:01:59,459
OK, OK, the kids don't
care about the paint.
38
00:01:59,526 --> 00:02:01,126
Listen, we got a
real treat for you.
39
00:02:01,194 --> 00:02:04,061
We got all our old super-8s
transferred to video.
40
00:02:04,128 --> 00:02:05,462
We've gone high-tech.
41
00:02:05,529 --> 00:02:06,763
Oh, good for you.
42
00:02:06,831 --> 00:02:08,263
Maybe someday you'll get a phone
43
00:02:08,330 --> 00:02:10,932
you don't have to dial.
44
00:02:12,899 --> 00:02:15,201
Hey, Arthur. I need a favor.
45
00:02:15,268 --> 00:02:16,534
You know my girlfriend Denise?
46
00:02:16,602 --> 00:02:19,502
The one with the balcony you
could do Shakespeare off of?
47
00:02:19,569 --> 00:02:20,703
Yeah.
48
00:02:20,771 --> 00:02:23,904
Anyway, um, she really
wants to meet my mother,
49
00:02:23,971 --> 00:02:25,439
and I can't put it off anymore,
50
00:02:25,507 --> 00:02:27,773
and I know my mom is not
going to approve of her.
51
00:02:27,840 --> 00:02:29,308
Why wouldn't she approve?
52
00:02:29,375 --> 00:02:32,008
Well, you know, no one's
good enough for her son.
53
00:02:33,543 --> 00:02:34,477
OK.
54
00:02:34,544 --> 00:02:35,844
Listen, listen, listen.
55
00:02:35,911 --> 00:02:37,210
You know my mom
really likes you,
56
00:02:37,278 --> 00:02:39,145
so I thought we could have
dinner here on neutral ground,
57
00:02:39,213 --> 00:02:41,680
and you could be,
like, a buffer.
58
00:02:41,747 --> 00:02:43,047
Elaborate.
59
00:02:43,115 --> 00:02:45,015
Just... if things get
tense or awkward,
60
00:02:45,083 --> 00:02:47,616
you jump in and say something
to distract my mom.
61
00:02:47,684 --> 00:02:50,852
So you want me to be
your rodeo clown.
62
00:02:52,419 --> 00:02:53,620
What's in it for me?
63
00:02:53,688 --> 00:02:55,453
What do you want?
64
00:02:55,521 --> 00:02:58,555
Let me see. You
work in the subway.
65
00:03:00,757 --> 00:03:02,390
I want to drive a train.
66
00:03:02,458 --> 00:03:03,858
You...
67
00:03:03,925 --> 00:03:04,858
Are you crazy?
68
00:03:04,925 --> 00:03:06,125
I... I just sell tokens.
69
00:03:06,193 --> 00:03:07,960
I can't let you drive a train.
70
00:03:08,028 --> 00:03:10,461
Then I want to make announcements
over the loudspeaker.
71
00:03:10,529 --> 00:03:14,196
I'm sitting on some very
funny subway banter
72
00:03:14,264 --> 00:03:17,398
including a bawdy routine
about the "F" train.
73
00:03:17,466 --> 00:03:19,799
I can't do that either.
74
00:03:19,867 --> 00:03:21,534
Fine.
75
00:03:21,602 --> 00:03:24,001
Then I'll take a metro
cap and a tie tack.
76
00:03:24,068 --> 00:03:25,302
Done!
77
00:03:25,370 --> 00:03:27,736
And the other guy blinked.
78
00:03:32,873 --> 00:03:35,807
Hey, look. Dougie's
high school graduation.
79
00:03:40,645 --> 00:03:42,343
Hey, look at that! That's
me and you, buddy.
80
00:03:42,411 --> 00:03:44,811
And that was our
bicentennial barbecue.
81
00:03:52,583 --> 00:03:53,916
What are you...
82
00:03:53,984 --> 00:03:59,252
Wear... wearing some kind
of Uncle Sam costume?
83
00:03:59,320 --> 00:04:02,087
It was Wonder Woman.
84
00:04:05,057 --> 00:04:06,689
Why were you wearing
Wonder Woman?
85
00:04:06,756 --> 00:04:09,391
Ask her, OK? She bought it.
86
00:04:09,458 --> 00:04:12,359
It wasn't Wonder Woman.
It was Uncle Sam.
87
00:04:12,427 --> 00:04:14,860
He doesn't know what
he's talking about.
88
00:04:14,928 --> 00:04:16,860
Yeah, I was the only
Uncle Sam with cleavage.
89
00:04:20,397 --> 00:04:21,330
Hey, look!
90
00:04:23,233 --> 00:04:25,165
There you are again, buddy.
91
00:04:27,401 --> 00:04:29,434
Huh?
92
00:04:29,502 --> 00:04:31,101
You got that look in your eye.
93
00:04:31,169 --> 00:04:32,703
Do you wanna go outside
and do your business?
94
00:04:32,771 --> 00:04:34,336
Come on. Let's go.
Now, you know what?
95
00:04:34,404 --> 00:04:36,839
Do me a favor. Pause it.
Hey, Rocky?
96
00:04:36,907 --> 00:04:38,339
As long as we're on a break,
97
00:04:38,407 --> 00:04:40,306
I'm gonna go do some
business myself.
98
00:04:42,475 --> 00:04:44,909
Uh, Janet, question for you.
99
00:04:44,976 --> 00:04:48,344
How old was Doug
when he got Rocky?
100
00:04:48,411 --> 00:04:50,345
Oh, I don't know. 11?
101
00:04:50,413 --> 00:04:53,346
Doug's 38 now.
102
00:04:53,414 --> 00:04:55,181
That's right.
103
00:04:55,249 --> 00:04:57,249
You know, you look beautiful
in that top, darling.
104
00:04:57,317 --> 00:04:58,849
Where did you buy that?
105
00:04:58,917 --> 00:05:02,883
Well, then that would
make Rocky... 27.
106
00:05:02,951 --> 00:05:05,453
Oh, I don't think so.
107
00:05:05,521 --> 00:05:07,954
Well, Janet...
108
00:05:08,022 --> 00:05:11,389
38 minus 11 is 27.
109
00:05:11,457 --> 00:05:15,191
What does such a pretty
girl need with math?
110
00:05:15,259 --> 00:05:16,259
Janet.
111
00:05:16,325 --> 00:05:17,525
OK.
112
00:05:17,593 --> 00:05:19,761
Rocky died.
113
00:05:19,828 --> 00:05:22,862
We replaced him 'cause we didn't
want Dougie to get upset.
114
00:05:24,931 --> 00:05:26,296
Wow.
115
00:05:26,364 --> 00:05:28,698
Don't you think that's...
unhealthy?
116
00:05:28,766 --> 00:05:30,366
Unhealthy?
117
00:05:30,434 --> 00:05:32,800
Look how happy Dougie is.
118
00:05:32,868 --> 00:05:34,501
Hi!
119
00:05:36,269 --> 00:05:38,536
So who's ready for cheesecake?
120
00:06:02,816 --> 00:06:04,549
This is great, huh?
121
00:06:04,617 --> 00:06:07,284
My 2 best gals finally
breaking bread together.
122
00:06:07,352 --> 00:06:09,051
Yeah, it's, um...
123
00:06:09,119 --> 00:06:10,785
It's really great to meet you, Mrs.
Olchin.
124
00:06:10,853 --> 00:06:13,786
Spence is just such
a wonderful guy.
125
00:06:13,854 --> 00:06:15,488
You can thank me for that.
126
00:06:15,556 --> 00:06:17,523
He was a little bastard as a kid
127
00:06:17,590 --> 00:06:20,625
till I spanked it out of him.
128
00:06:20,692 --> 00:06:23,225
Great. Thank you.
129
00:06:23,293 --> 00:06:25,660
I smacked his bottom so red
130
00:06:25,728 --> 00:06:27,461
it looked like an Indian's ass.
131
00:06:27,528 --> 00:06:28,795
Mom!
132
00:06:28,862 --> 00:06:32,262
Excuse me! Native
American's ass.
133
00:06:34,198 --> 00:06:36,732
Actually, um, it's funny.
134
00:06:36,800 --> 00:06:39,834
A couple of months ago, um, we were
just goofing around in the snow,
135
00:06:39,902 --> 00:06:42,301
and Spence fell right on
some ice really hard.
136
00:06:42,368 --> 00:06:44,070
Anyway, when we got
back to his place,
137
00:06:44,137 --> 00:06:45,537
his butt was so red!
138
00:06:47,105 --> 00:06:48,939
She's seen you naked?!
139
00:06:50,574 --> 00:06:53,641
We agreed you're
saving yourself!
140
00:06:53,709 --> 00:06:55,209
Mom!
141
00:06:55,276 --> 00:06:57,643
Oh, no, um, I didn't
see him naked.
142
00:06:57,711 --> 00:07:00,044
He told me his butt was red...
143
00:07:00,112 --> 00:07:03,613
over the phone. I was in church.
144
00:07:03,680 --> 00:07:07,314
You talk on the
phone in church?!
145
00:07:07,381 --> 00:07:09,616
Arthur.
146
00:07:09,683 --> 00:07:10,682
Yes?
147
00:07:13,018 --> 00:07:14,285
Do you have anything to say?
148
00:07:14,352 --> 00:07:16,419
I don't think so.
149
00:07:16,487 --> 00:07:20,087
Excuse me. I'm gonna
grab some ketchup.
150
00:07:24,291 --> 00:07:25,356
What are you doing in there?
151
00:07:25,424 --> 00:07:27,492
You're supposed to jump
in if things get tense.
152
00:07:27,559 --> 00:07:29,158
I thought it was
going magnificently.
153
00:07:29,226 --> 00:07:31,994
It is not! Just jump in, OK?
154
00:07:32,061 --> 00:07:34,328
So I finally had to tell Spence,
155
00:07:34,395 --> 00:07:37,296
"you can watch Three's Company,
156
00:07:37,364 --> 00:07:39,430
but your keep your hands
where I can see 'em."
157
00:07:39,498 --> 00:07:41,332
Because I knew...
158
00:07:41,399 --> 00:07:43,699
Hey! We're back!
159
00:07:43,767 --> 00:07:46,668
And, uh, Arthur, you had a
question for my mom, didn't you?
160
00:07:46,735 --> 00:07:48,535
Yes, I did.
161
00:07:48,603 --> 00:07:53,403
Veronica, I was wondering,
is that your real hair?
162
00:07:55,273 --> 00:07:56,674
What? Yes!
163
00:07:56,742 --> 00:07:58,173
Uh-huh. And the teeth?
164
00:07:59,909 --> 00:08:02,475
All except the
really white ones.
165
00:08:02,543 --> 00:08:05,544
Well, the whole
package is exquisite.
166
00:08:05,612 --> 00:08:08,612
Oh. Oh, Arthur.
167
00:08:08,680 --> 00:08:10,347
You're so sweet.
168
00:08:19,886 --> 00:08:22,118
OK, Rock. I'm gonna
throw these socks,
169
00:08:22,186 --> 00:08:23,687
and you're gonna go get 'em, OK?
170
00:08:23,754 --> 00:08:24,987
And then you're
gonna eat lightnin'
171
00:08:25,055 --> 00:08:27,188
and crap thunder.
172
00:08:27,255 --> 00:08:29,389
But not in the house.
173
00:08:29,457 --> 00:08:30,690
All right, ready? Here we go.
174
00:08:30,757 --> 00:08:32,857
Go get the socks. Go get 'em!
175
00:08:32,925 --> 00:08:35,058
Doug: Come on. I
taught you this trick.
176
00:08:35,126 --> 00:08:36,058
You know it.
177
00:08:36,126 --> 00:08:37,694
Hello. Hello.
178
00:08:37,761 --> 00:08:38,695
Doug.
179
00:08:38,762 --> 00:08:39,694
Yeah?
180
00:08:39,761 --> 00:08:40,994
You love Rocky, don't you?
181
00:08:41,062 --> 00:08:42,096
Sure.
182
00:08:44,031 --> 00:08:46,132
OK, this is hard for me.
183
00:08:47,699 --> 00:08:51,234
There's something that I kind
of feel like I should tell you,
184
00:08:51,301 --> 00:08:52,969
but I don't really want to,
185
00:08:53,036 --> 00:08:56,036
but you're an adult, and
I think you should know.
186
00:08:56,104 --> 00:08:57,603
What?
187
00:08:57,671 --> 00:08:59,237
Oy, how do I do this?
188
00:08:59,305 --> 00:09:02,372
OK, what year was
the bicentennial?
189
00:09:02,440 --> 00:09:04,873
1776.
190
00:09:10,444 --> 00:09:13,979
No, that was the actual thing.
191
00:09:14,047 --> 00:09:17,446
I'm talking about
the anniversary.
192
00:09:17,514 --> 00:09:20,115
That barbecue that you and
Rocky were at in that video.
193
00:09:20,182 --> 00:09:22,182
Oh, 1976. Right.
194
00:09:22,249 --> 00:09:23,316
But you got to give me props
195
00:09:23,384 --> 00:09:24,885
for knowing 1776 in the
first place, right?
196
00:09:24,952 --> 00:09:27,519
Absolutely. Color me impressed.
197
00:09:27,586 --> 00:09:31,487
Anyway, sweetie, baby,
my adorable husband,
198
00:09:31,489 --> 00:09:36,323
if Rocky was already
born and grown in 1976,
199
00:09:36,390 --> 00:09:39,926
and it's now 2003,
200
00:09:39,993 --> 00:09:42,293
today that would make Rocky...
201
00:09:42,361 --> 00:09:44,293
Well, uh...
202
00:09:51,064 --> 00:09:54,000
That's not the original Rocky?
203
00:09:54,067 --> 00:09:56,500
We did it for your
own good, Dougie.
204
00:09:56,568 --> 00:09:58,001
You were a sensitive kid.
205
00:09:58,068 --> 00:10:00,536
We figured when Rocky went, you
wouldn't be able to handle it.
206
00:10:00,603 --> 00:10:04,704
So... so this is Rocky II?!
207
00:10:04,772 --> 00:10:08,773
Actually, it's Rocky IV.
208
00:10:10,508 --> 00:10:11,574
Oh, my God!
209
00:10:11,642 --> 00:10:15,010
My dog died 3 times, and
you never told me?!
210
00:10:15,077 --> 00:10:17,912
Darling, we were gonna
tell you about Rocky III,
211
00:10:17,979 --> 00:10:19,045
honest to God,
212
00:10:19,111 --> 00:10:21,212
but she died right
before your wedding.
213
00:10:21,280 --> 00:10:22,813
She?!
214
00:10:22,881 --> 00:10:25,916
I can't believe this!
215
00:10:25,983 --> 00:10:27,550
We didn't want to upset you.
216
00:10:27,617 --> 00:10:31,251
As the kids like to
say, why go there?
217
00:10:31,318 --> 00:10:32,385
Right, Joe?
218
00:10:32,453 --> 00:10:33,952
Exactly. We just felt
there was some things
219
00:10:34,020 --> 00:10:35,754
you were better off not knowing.
220
00:10:35,821 --> 00:10:37,388
Things? Like what else?
221
00:10:37,454 --> 00:10:39,355
Nothing else.
222
00:10:39,423 --> 00:10:41,089
Just the dog.
223
00:10:41,156 --> 00:10:43,691
Ah, tell the boy already.
The jig is up.
224
00:10:43,759 --> 00:10:45,792
There is no jig. There's no jig.
225
00:10:45,860 --> 00:10:47,325
We've coddled him long enough.
226
00:10:47,394 --> 00:10:49,460
When you were little, you weren't
quite ready for the first grade.
227
00:10:49,528 --> 00:10:50,895
Joe! I'm telling him.
228
00:10:50,962 --> 00:10:51,894
I'm gonna hyperventilate.
229
00:10:51,961 --> 00:10:53,061
You've been saying
that for 40 years,
230
00:10:53,129 --> 00:10:54,196
and I've never seen
you do it once.
231
00:10:54,264 --> 00:10:56,197
It's no big whoop-de-doo.
232
00:10:56,265 --> 00:10:58,698
You had to repeat kindergarten.
233
00:10:58,766 --> 00:11:00,867
Oh, God.
234
00:11:00,934 --> 00:11:02,400
What?
235
00:11:02,467 --> 00:11:06,602
You told me that was
super kindergarten!
236
00:11:06,669 --> 00:11:10,570
Look, you're upset. I'm upset.
237
00:11:10,638 --> 00:11:11,905
Let's just go into the kitchen.
238
00:11:11,973 --> 00:11:13,172
And we'll have some
lemon squares,
239
00:11:13,240 --> 00:11:14,207
and we'll forget about
this whole thing.
240
00:11:14,274 --> 00:11:15,240
No, no, no, no. You're
not buying me off
241
00:11:15,307 --> 00:11:16,640
with lemon squares
this time, all right?
242
00:11:16,708 --> 00:11:18,242
Let's get this all
out in the open.
243
00:11:18,309 --> 00:11:20,308
What... what else don't I know?
244
00:11:20,376 --> 00:11:21,543
Nothing.
245
00:11:21,611 --> 00:11:24,112
You might as well tell
him about Montreal.
246
00:11:24,179 --> 00:11:25,345
No, no!
247
00:11:25,412 --> 00:11:29,248
M-Montreal? No-Nothing
good happens in Montreal.
248
00:11:29,315 --> 00:11:30,781
OK, listen.
249
00:11:30,849 --> 00:11:33,082
When I was 8 months
pregnant with you
250
00:11:33,150 --> 00:11:35,016
we went to Montreal
for a wedding.
251
00:11:35,083 --> 00:11:36,984
I didn't know that I was
gonna give birth early.
252
00:11:37,052 --> 00:11:40,553
You were born in Canada.
It's no big deal.
253
00:11:40,621 --> 00:11:44,054
Oh, my God! I'm Canadian!
254
00:11:46,624 --> 00:11:49,023
What if I was gonna
run for president?!
255
00:11:49,090 --> 00:11:51,058
When were you gonna tell me?!
256
00:11:51,126 --> 00:11:53,091
We were kind of rolling the dice
257
00:11:53,159 --> 00:11:55,560
you wouldn't throw
your hat in the ring.
258
00:11:59,096 --> 00:12:01,698
I don't even know you.
259
00:12:05,701 --> 00:12:08,166
Hey, so did you talk to your parents?
How'd it go?
260
00:12:08,234 --> 00:12:10,134
Yeah, I talked to them.
261
00:12:10,202 --> 00:12:12,703
Well, don't be too
hard on them, honey...
262
00:12:12,770 --> 00:12:14,837
Hey, you know what?
Don't touch me.
263
00:12:14,905 --> 00:12:16,405
What?!
264
00:12:16,472 --> 00:12:18,238
Why are you mad at me?
265
00:12:18,306 --> 00:12:20,539
I don't know. Maybe because before
you brought this whole thing up,
266
00:12:20,608 --> 00:12:21,873
my life was perfect.
267
00:12:21,941 --> 00:12:24,475
I was an American citizen
with a 27-year-old dog
268
00:12:24,542 --> 00:12:29,611
who just happened to be the biggest
kid in super kindergarten.
269
00:12:29,679 --> 00:12:30,745
What?
270
00:12:30,812 --> 00:12:32,278
Yeah, that's right.
271
00:12:32,346 --> 00:12:34,780
I learned a couple more things about
myself tonight. Thanks a lot.
272
00:12:34,848 --> 00:12:37,448
Oh, are you seriously
blaming me for this?
273
00:12:37,516 --> 00:12:41,250
Yes, I am, or as my countrymen
would say, "Yes, I am, eh?"
274
00:12:41,317 --> 00:12:43,084
Doug...
275
00:12:43,152 --> 00:12:45,051
come on. Take a breath,
276
00:12:45,118 --> 00:12:46,719
and think about what
you're saying here.
277
00:12:46,787 --> 00:12:49,320
You're saying you'd rather
live a fake, sheltered life
278
00:12:49,388 --> 00:12:51,121
than know the truth
about things?
279
00:12:51,189 --> 00:12:52,355
Yeah.
280
00:12:52,423 --> 00:12:53,757
You can't live that way!
281
00:12:53,824 --> 00:12:56,424
Can and did and loved it!
282
00:12:56,491 --> 00:12:58,793
Oh, that's right, because
the way you were raised,
283
00:12:58,861 --> 00:13:00,426
everybody loves everybody.
284
00:13:00,493 --> 00:13:02,928
Nobody ever dies. The world
is made of marshmallows.
285
00:13:02,995 --> 00:13:04,828
♪ La la la la
286
00:13:04,896 --> 00:13:06,328
It's dysfunctional!
287
00:13:06,396 --> 00:13:07,296
No, it isn't! It doesn't matter
288
00:13:07,364 --> 00:13:08,697
if the world is made
of marshmallows
289
00:13:08,765 --> 00:13:11,599
or if people just think the
world is made of marshmallows.
290
00:13:11,667 --> 00:13:13,866
Either way, you're happy.
You got it?
291
00:13:13,934 --> 00:13:15,668
Not really, no.
292
00:13:15,735 --> 00:13:18,502
The point is, my family had
a nice system in place.
293
00:13:18,570 --> 00:13:20,937
Oh, really? Tell me. How did they
manage to break the news to you
294
00:13:21,004 --> 00:13:22,338
that Santa Claus doesn't exist?
295
00:13:22,405 --> 00:13:23,572
Oh! Oh, my God!
296
00:13:23,639 --> 00:13:25,706
I didn't just let the cat
out of the bag, did I?
297
00:13:27,042 --> 00:13:29,207
You know, why'd you even have
to stick your nose in this?
298
00:13:29,275 --> 00:13:30,442
What does this... What does
this have to do with you?
299
00:13:30,509 --> 00:13:33,509
Excuse me. It has everything
to do with me, OK?
300
00:13:33,578 --> 00:13:35,611
Your whole life, your
parents have shielded you
301
00:13:35,679 --> 00:13:38,378
from every possible
unpleasant thing.
302
00:13:38,446 --> 00:13:40,080
And I'm not just talking
about pretending
303
00:13:40,147 --> 00:13:42,047
that pets are immortal.
304
00:13:42,114 --> 00:13:46,349
I mean, you... you've never
had to carry your own luggage
305
00:13:46,416 --> 00:13:48,118
or wash a dish.
306
00:13:48,185 --> 00:13:49,952
They've treated you like a baby.
307
00:13:50,020 --> 00:13:51,986
That's what I'm stuck with now...
a big baby.
308
00:13:53,887 --> 00:13:55,222
Are not.
309
00:13:55,289 --> 00:13:58,623
Really? OK, who pays every bill?
310
00:13:58,691 --> 00:14:00,489
Who writes every
condolence card?
311
00:14:00,557 --> 00:14:03,825
Who tips the frickin'
mailman every Christmas?
312
00:14:03,893 --> 00:14:07,093
Hey, who tips the pizza
guy every other day, huh?
313
00:14:07,161 --> 00:14:08,294
Yeah, yeah.
314
00:14:08,362 --> 00:14:11,029
OK, come on. Listen, honey,
315
00:14:11,096 --> 00:14:13,864
hopefully one day we're
gonna be parents ourselves,
316
00:14:13,931 --> 00:14:16,732
and we can't teach them
that when bad things happen
317
00:14:16,800 --> 00:14:19,333
they should just bury their
heads in the ground.
318
00:14:21,769 --> 00:14:24,835
Could if the ground was
made of marshmallows.
319
00:14:24,903 --> 00:14:29,371
Yeah, but it isn't, and we're not
gonna teach them that it is.
320
00:14:29,439 --> 00:14:30,906
Not even when they're little?
321
00:14:30,974 --> 00:14:32,673
No.
322
00:14:35,508 --> 00:14:37,209
Do you have any marshmallows?
323
00:14:43,879 --> 00:14:45,847
So I see this guy at Pathmark,
324
00:14:45,914 --> 00:14:47,148
and he's wearing a pair of shoes
325
00:14:47,216 --> 00:14:49,648
I rented to him at the bowling
alley the day before.
326
00:14:49,716 --> 00:14:51,083
He stole 'em!
327
00:14:51,151 --> 00:14:53,183
Son of a bitch!
328
00:14:53,250 --> 00:14:54,517
Did you call the police?
329
00:14:54,585 --> 00:14:55,585
No, I went up to him and I said,
330
00:14:55,653 --> 00:14:56,952
"You better give me
those shoes back,
331
00:14:57,020 --> 00:15:00,187
or there is gonna be a big
clean-up in aisle 3."
332
00:15:00,254 --> 00:15:03,822
He went home in socks.
333
00:15:03,890 --> 00:15:06,891
I love vigilante justice.
334
00:15:06,958 --> 00:15:10,292
Looks like you might be
driving the "F" train, buddy.
335
00:15:12,093 --> 00:15:14,728
Anyway, to thank me, my manager
let me pick all the songs
336
00:15:14,795 --> 00:15:16,261
for glow-in-the-dark
disco bowling.
337
00:15:16,329 --> 00:15:19,764
F.Y.I., I worked in a
bowling alley years ago.
338
00:15:19,832 --> 00:15:21,731
Oh, really? Yes.
339
00:15:21,798 --> 00:15:24,667
Cherish every minute you're spraying
fungicide into those shoes,
340
00:15:24,735 --> 00:15:27,902
because these are the
best days of your life.
341
00:15:27,969 --> 00:15:30,003
I don't know. It's OK, I guess,
342
00:15:30,070 --> 00:15:32,004
but sometimes they make
me work double shifts.
343
00:15:32,070 --> 00:15:33,738
That I don't care for.
344
00:15:33,805 --> 00:15:35,938
So take it up with
your union rep.
345
00:15:36,006 --> 00:15:37,740
Oh, we don't have a union.
346
00:15:37,807 --> 00:15:39,940
Really? Then you
have to organize.
347
00:15:40,008 --> 00:15:42,075
Oh, actually, I'm
thinking of leaving.
348
00:15:42,143 --> 00:15:45,844
I just put in an application
at Lady Foot Locker.
349
00:15:45,912 --> 00:15:47,477
So you're just gonna leave,
350
00:15:47,546 --> 00:15:50,045
and let the next poor schmuck
suffer in a unionless shop?
351
00:15:50,112 --> 00:15:52,548
Hey, Arthur, what are you doing?
352
00:15:52,615 --> 00:15:56,783
She's a disgrace. She cares
about nobody but herself.
353
00:15:56,851 --> 00:15:58,583
Who is he to you again?
354
00:15:58,650 --> 00:16:00,818
I'm a man who's onto you, scab!
355
00:16:02,520 --> 00:16:05,087
What are you doing? He
likes this girl, Arthur!
356
00:16:05,154 --> 00:16:06,355
What do you care?
You don't think
357
00:16:06,422 --> 00:16:07,721
anybody's good enough
for him, anyway.
358
00:16:07,789 --> 00:16:09,589
Who said that? He did.
359
00:16:09,656 --> 00:16:11,790
Oh, well, sure. That's
what I tell him,
360
00:16:11,858 --> 00:16:14,092
but the truth is, I mean,
he's no Van Johnson.
361
00:16:14,159 --> 00:16:16,193
I mean, look at him.
362
00:16:16,260 --> 00:16:17,860
What?
363
00:16:17,928 --> 00:16:20,862
OK, I think we can all
agree he's a loser.
364
00:16:20,930 --> 00:16:25,131
The point is, no matter how
hopeless and unappealing he is...
365
00:16:25,199 --> 00:16:28,532
Hey, Arthur! Let me help you!
366
00:16:28,600 --> 00:16:30,900
Whatever he is,
367
00:16:30,968 --> 00:16:34,235
he can certainly do
better than her.
368
00:16:34,303 --> 00:16:37,569
Oh, please. Who else
is he gonna get?
369
00:16:37,637 --> 00:16:41,304
He's better off alone than with this
sex toy for the corporate fat cats!
370
00:16:41,372 --> 00:16:42,639
What?!
371
00:16:42,707 --> 00:16:44,573
I heard what you said about
that disco bowling night.
372
00:16:44,641 --> 00:16:46,574
You don't get that
for a pair of shoes.
373
00:16:46,642 --> 00:16:48,709
You get that on your back!
374
00:16:48,777 --> 00:16:51,710
What?! That's it!
I'm out of here!
375
00:16:51,778 --> 00:16:52,945
No, no! Denise! Denise,
wait a minute.
376
00:16:53,012 --> 00:16:54,178
No, no, no, I'm leaving!
377
00:16:54,245 --> 00:16:56,813
I don't want to see you
or your mother or your...
378
00:16:56,881 --> 00:16:58,681
weird older male friend again!
379
00:16:58,748 --> 00:16:59,848
Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait!
Wait! Wait!
380
00:16:59,915 --> 00:17:01,347
Sweetie! Sweetie!
381
00:17:04,285 --> 00:17:07,218
Is it me, or was that
completely uncalled for?
382
00:17:12,955 --> 00:17:14,722
Hey, guys. What's going on?
383
00:17:14,790 --> 00:17:16,089
Oh, you'll be very happy to know
384
00:17:16,156 --> 00:17:17,924
that I'm taking my
father to the doctor
385
00:17:17,992 --> 00:17:20,424
for his colonoscopy.
386
00:17:20,492 --> 00:17:23,160
Yay.
387
00:17:23,228 --> 00:17:25,160
Could be fine. Could be scary.
388
00:17:25,228 --> 00:17:29,163
At his age, who knows
what the hell's in there.
389
00:17:29,230 --> 00:17:30,763
But the point is, look, I would
never have done this before,
390
00:17:30,831 --> 00:17:32,332
but, you know, I'm an adult now,
391
00:17:32,399 --> 00:17:33,597
and this is what adults do.
392
00:17:33,665 --> 00:17:35,633
Well, I am proud of you, honey.
393
00:17:35,701 --> 00:17:36,800
Thanks.
394
00:17:36,867 --> 00:17:37,933
How about being proud of me?
395
00:17:38,001 --> 00:17:39,802
I'm the one gettin' snaked.
396
00:17:39,870 --> 00:17:40,802
Good luck.
397
00:17:43,471 --> 00:17:45,171
Hey, there. Hey, Janet.
398
00:17:45,239 --> 00:17:47,006
You hear about Doug taking
his dad to the doctor?
399
00:17:47,074 --> 00:17:48,639
Pretty big step, huh?
400
00:17:48,706 --> 00:17:51,274
My boy's really
growing up, you know?
401
00:17:51,341 --> 00:17:53,041
I feel like it was
just yesterday
402
00:17:53,109 --> 00:17:55,743
he was sittin' in his jammies
eating a jelly sandwich
403
00:17:55,811 --> 00:17:57,410
watching Heckle and Jeckle.
404
00:17:57,478 --> 00:18:00,212
Actually, that was yesterday.
Oh.
405
00:18:00,280 --> 00:18:03,046
Uh, Janet, listen. I want to
apologize to you for last night.
406
00:18:03,114 --> 00:18:05,481
I don't want you to think that I
told Doug about Rocky out of spite.
407
00:18:05,548 --> 00:18:07,182
I just felt like he should know.
408
00:18:07,250 --> 00:18:09,549
No, sweetheart,
he's 38 years old.
409
00:18:09,617 --> 00:18:12,617
Eventually he's gotta learn that
life's got some bumps in it.
410
00:18:12,685 --> 00:18:14,186
Exactly. That's why being honest
411
00:18:14,254 --> 00:18:17,020
and dealing with things head-on
is the only way to be.
412
00:18:17,088 --> 00:18:19,422
You're right. You're
absolutely right.
413
00:18:21,257 --> 00:18:24,057
You're a very smart girl.
414
00:18:24,125 --> 00:18:28,026
Um, as long as we're
trying to be honest,
415
00:18:28,094 --> 00:18:30,259
do you mind if I
tell you something?
416
00:18:30,327 --> 00:18:32,228
It's been weighing
on me for years.
417
00:18:32,295 --> 00:18:33,795
Oh, sure.
418
00:18:33,863 --> 00:18:34,795
What's up?
419
00:18:34,863 --> 00:18:36,196
Doug was married before?
420
00:18:36,264 --> 00:18:37,196
He used to be a girl?
421
00:18:37,264 --> 00:18:38,732
What is it? Bring it on.
422
00:18:38,799 --> 00:18:40,232
Well, actually, sweetheart,
423
00:18:40,299 --> 00:18:42,734
you remember when you and
Doug came to visit us
424
00:18:42,801 --> 00:18:44,299
a few weeks before your wedding?
425
00:18:44,367 --> 00:18:46,168
Uh, the night we
played Pictionary
426
00:18:46,236 --> 00:18:48,336
with Garry Shandling's parents?
427
00:18:48,403 --> 00:18:52,872
Yes. Anyway, when you went to
go to the pool that Sunday,
428
00:18:52,940 --> 00:18:57,974
you left the door open,
and, uh, well...
429
00:18:58,042 --> 00:19:00,042
that's how we lost Rocky III.
430
00:19:02,277 --> 00:19:03,610
He ran away?
431
00:19:03,678 --> 00:19:05,444
She, dear.
432
00:19:05,512 --> 00:19:08,479
Actually, she wandered
over to the lake,
433
00:19:08,547 --> 00:19:11,982
and, uh, a gator got her.
434
00:19:12,050 --> 00:19:16,350
A gator got her?
435
00:19:16,417 --> 00:19:17,350
I didn't want you to feel bad,
436
00:19:17,417 --> 00:19:19,552
but it's been on
my mind for years.
437
00:19:19,620 --> 00:19:22,153
I killed Rocky III?!
438
00:19:22,220 --> 00:19:25,656
The gator did, dear,
but you didn't help.
439
00:19:27,256 --> 00:19:29,991
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
440
00:19:30,059 --> 00:19:31,858
How could you tell me this?!
441
00:19:31,925 --> 00:19:33,559
I thought this was
what you wanted!
442
00:19:33,627 --> 00:19:35,060
I don't want to be a dog killer!
443
00:19:35,128 --> 00:19:36,127
That's awful!
444
00:19:36,194 --> 00:19:37,460
You see!
445
00:19:37,528 --> 00:19:39,595
That's why it's no
good to say things!
446
00:19:39,664 --> 00:19:41,796
I knew we were right!
447
00:19:41,864 --> 00:19:43,564
I don't know about his colon,
448
00:19:43,632 --> 00:19:44,798
but his brain ain't
workin' too good.
449
00:19:44,866 --> 00:19:47,299
Forgot his car keys, you
know what I'm sayin'?
450
00:19:47,367 --> 00:19:48,800
I killed Rocky III.
451
00:19:48,868 --> 00:19:49,901
What?
452
00:19:49,968 --> 00:19:51,535
I fed her to an alligator.
453
00:19:53,203 --> 00:19:54,336
Why did you tell her?!
454
00:19:54,404 --> 00:19:56,003
She made me be more open.
455
00:19:56,071 --> 00:19:58,172
That's not being open.
That's being stupid.
456
00:19:58,239 --> 00:20:00,039
You killed my dog?
457
00:20:00,106 --> 00:20:01,173
I feel terrible!
458
00:20:01,240 --> 00:20:02,907
Of course you feel terrible!
459
00:20:02,975 --> 00:20:05,042
Because when you hear terrible
things, you feel terrible!
460
00:20:05,109 --> 00:20:07,409
That's why we never said
terrible things around here!
461
00:20:07,477 --> 00:20:09,244
Thank you!
462
00:20:09,312 --> 00:20:10,911
Uh, Dougie, can
we do this later?
463
00:20:10,979 --> 00:20:12,480
I got my colonoscopy.
464
00:20:12,547 --> 00:20:14,246
Are you crazy?!
465
00:20:14,314 --> 00:20:17,482
As far as I'm concerned, you
don't even have a colon.
466
00:20:18,983 --> 00:20:23,984
Your body is just filled with
big, fluffy marshmallows.
467
00:20:24,052 --> 00:20:26,353
And if anything ever
happens to him,
468
00:20:26,421 --> 00:20:27,653
you go right out to
that golf course
469
00:20:27,720 --> 00:20:30,055
and you get us a Daddy II.
470
00:20:30,123 --> 00:20:32,455
Everybody got that?!
471
00:20:32,523 --> 00:20:33,456
Good!
472
00:20:37,526 --> 00:20:39,493
So what do we do now?
473
00:20:39,560 --> 00:20:43,528
All: ♪ Happy birthday,
dear Rocky ♪
474
00:20:43,595 --> 00:20:48,164
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
475
00:20:48,232 --> 00:20:49,664
He looks good for 28, huh?
476
00:20:49,732 --> 00:20:52,332
Mm-hmm, he looks
real good, honey.
477
00:21:00,004 --> 00:21:01,503
P.A. Announcer:
Ladies and gentlemen,
478
00:21:01,571 --> 00:21:03,671
we now honor our
neighbors to the north
479
00:21:03,739 --> 00:21:07,006
with the playing of
Canada's national anthem.
480
00:21:08,141 --> 00:21:13,177
♪ O Canada
481
00:21:13,244 --> 00:21:18,612
♪ Our home and native land
482
00:21:18,680 --> 00:21:23,882
♪ True patriot love
483
00:21:23,950 --> 00:21:29,751
♪ In all thy sons command
34531
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