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♪ Santa claus is comin'
2
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♪ to town
3
00:00:22,030 --> 00:00:23,162
Carrie!
4
00:00:23,230 --> 00:00:24,563
Yeah?
5
00:00:24,631 --> 00:00:27,582
Don't come down yet. I'm
wrapping your Christmas present.
6
00:00:27,650 --> 00:00:28,916
Ok.
7
00:00:49,509 --> 00:00:52,709
All right, you can
come down now.
8
00:00:52,777 --> 00:00:54,076
One sec.
9
00:00:54,145 --> 00:00:55,477
What are you doing, anyway?
10
00:00:55,545 --> 00:00:56,877
Peeing on a stick.
11
00:00:56,945 --> 00:01:00,696
I'm hoping it's a
pregnancy test.
12
00:01:00,764 --> 00:01:02,163
Here it is.
13
00:01:02,231 --> 00:01:04,265
So? We getting a baby or what?
14
00:01:04,332 --> 00:01:05,965
I don't know. We'll
know in 3 minutes.
15
00:01:06,032 --> 00:01:07,899
Oh, come on, be
positive, be positive.
16
00:01:07,967 --> 00:01:10,568
Daddy wants to be a daddy!
17
00:01:10,636 --> 00:01:13,101
All right, stop waving it.
It's not a polaroid.
18
00:01:13,169 --> 00:01:14,969
Just set it down there.
19
00:01:15,036 --> 00:01:16,236
Set it down!
20
00:01:16,304 --> 00:01:18,304
God, I just wanna be
pregnant, already.
21
00:01:18,372 --> 00:01:21,373
We've been trying for so
long, and I'm sick of it.
22
00:01:21,440 --> 00:01:22,806
Thank you.
23
00:01:25,441 --> 00:01:27,107
I'll telling you, if
I'm not pregnant,
24
00:01:27,175 --> 00:01:29,743
I'm gonna call that fertility
place and make an appointment.
25
00:01:29,810 --> 00:01:31,443
Stop it. We don't
need to go there.
26
00:01:31,511 --> 00:01:32,744
Why not?
27
00:01:32,811 --> 00:01:35,479
We've... we've been trying
for 5 months, and zippo.
28
00:01:35,546 --> 00:01:37,612
Why are you so opposed
to getting checked out?
29
00:01:37,680 --> 00:01:39,580
Because we'll be sitting
in the waiting room
30
00:01:39,648 --> 00:01:41,781
and people will look over at us,
31
00:01:41,848 --> 00:01:44,282
and let's face it, they're
gonna assume it's me.
32
00:01:44,350 --> 00:01:46,783
Well, if it makes you
feel any better,
33
00:01:46,951 --> 00:01:48,367
I will announce to the room
34
00:01:48,435 --> 00:01:52,719
that you are a champion sperm
donor from yugoslavia.
35
00:01:52,737 --> 00:01:54,720
Look. We don't need a clinic.
36
00:01:54,788 --> 00:01:56,888
I'm telling you, that test
is gonna come up positive.
37
00:01:56,956 --> 00:01:58,388
I can feel it.
38
00:01:58,456 --> 00:01:59,939
Yeah? How do you know?
39
00:02:00,040 --> 00:02:01,973
'Cause the other night,
when we were trying,
40
00:02:02,041 --> 00:02:04,858
I was right on the money.
41
00:02:04,926 --> 00:02:06,708
I made good contact,
I followed through.
42
00:02:06,776 --> 00:02:09,210
You gotta get the legs into
it, that's the key. The legs.
43
00:02:09,944 --> 00:02:11,978
Ah!
44
00:02:12,045 --> 00:02:13,678
Well, I hope you're right.
45
00:02:13,746 --> 00:02:16,246
It would be nice to be pregnant
for Christmas, wouldn't it?
46
00:02:16,314 --> 00:02:17,714
Yeah, and when my
parents come up,
47
00:02:17,781 --> 00:02:19,648
we can give them the
good news in person.
48
00:02:19,716 --> 00:02:20,814
Actually, that's gift enough,
49
00:02:20,882 --> 00:02:22,499
we can return the
matching sweat suits.
50
00:02:22,567 --> 00:02:24,166
Oh, that reminds me,
51
00:02:24,233 --> 00:02:26,200
I gotta get the office cleaned
up and the futon ready for them.
52
00:02:26,268 --> 00:02:29,035
You did tell them they were staying
in the office this time, right?
53
00:02:29,103 --> 00:02:30,770
Uh...
54
00:02:30,838 --> 00:02:32,869
You are such a wimp!
55
00:02:32,937 --> 00:02:34,671
Carrie, it's hard. I mean,
56
00:02:34,738 --> 00:02:36,938
the... the first time they came
to visit we gave them our room.
57
00:02:37,006 --> 00:02:38,339
Sliding them across the hall now
58
00:02:38,407 --> 00:02:39,940
would be a delicate
bit of business.
59
00:02:40,007 --> 00:02:41,874
Why? When we go to
visit them in Florida,
60
00:02:41,941 --> 00:02:43,975
they don't give us their
bedroom, do they?
61
00:02:44,009 --> 00:02:47,027
No, we sleep on a fold-out
couch that smells like a cat.
62
00:02:47,095 --> 00:02:50,095
And need I remind you
they don't have a cat?
63
00:02:52,313 --> 00:02:53,646
Look, you're right. I'm sorry.
64
00:02:53,714 --> 00:02:55,481
I just can't look my
parents in the eyes
65
00:02:55,548 --> 00:02:57,448
and say, you know, "mom, dad",
66
00:02:57,516 --> 00:02:59,714
you're sleeping next to the fax machine.
Merry Christmas!"
67
00:02:59,782 --> 00:03:01,515
You don't have to say anything.
68
00:03:01,583 --> 00:03:03,716
When you bring their
suitcases upstairs,
69
00:03:03,784 --> 00:03:05,484
just put them in the office.
70
00:03:06,103 --> 00:03:07,702
You're smart.
71
00:03:07,770 --> 00:03:09,102
I'm not that smart,
72
00:03:09,170 --> 00:03:11,354
just smarter than you, honey.
73
00:03:13,723 --> 00:03:16,656
Say, whose negative
pregnancy test is this?
74
00:03:22,360 --> 00:03:24,110
♪ Silent night
75
00:03:24,177 --> 00:03:25,543
♪ holy...
76
00:03:25,694 --> 00:03:26,627
Night.
77
00:03:26,694 --> 00:03:27,994
Thank you, darling.
78
00:03:28,728 --> 00:03:29,895
♪ Holy night
79
00:03:29,962 --> 00:03:31,263
♪ all is well
80
00:03:31,330 --> 00:03:33,397
you hungry, dad? You want a
snack before Holly comes?
81
00:03:33,465 --> 00:03:34,581
Sure do.
82
00:03:36,516 --> 00:03:38,616
Why, what is this?
83
00:03:38,684 --> 00:03:42,284
A festive platter of
assorted cheeses!
84
00:03:42,352 --> 00:03:45,218
Hello, Cincinnati!
85
00:03:45,286 --> 00:03:47,053
Don't unwrap that.
86
00:03:47,120 --> 00:03:48,453
I'll make you a tuna sandwich.
87
00:03:48,521 --> 00:03:49,754
I see.
88
00:03:49,821 --> 00:03:51,755
A cheese platter
suddenly appears,
89
00:03:51,822 --> 00:03:53,622
yet I'm forbidden to partake.
90
00:03:53,690 --> 00:03:56,124
This couldn't possibly
have anything to do
91
00:03:56,191 --> 00:03:59,942
with the impending arrival of
Douglas' parents today, could it?
92
00:04:00,009 --> 00:04:03,343
It's not just for them,
it's for all of us.
93
00:04:03,410 --> 00:04:05,061
Oh, splendid. Then
you won't mind
94
00:04:05,128 --> 00:04:07,195
if I take a spoon to
the wheel of brie.
95
00:04:07,262 --> 00:04:10,029
Dad, you are driving me crazy.
Stop it!
96
00:04:10,097 --> 00:04:11,329
No, I will not stop it!
97
00:04:11,397 --> 00:04:12,731
In the 4 years I've been here,
98
00:04:12,798 --> 00:04:15,131
you never once bought me a
cheese platter. Not once!
99
00:04:15,199 --> 00:04:17,099
Then I'll buy you one next week.
100
00:04:17,166 --> 00:04:18,600
I don't want cheese out of pity!
101
00:04:18,667 --> 00:04:20,400
I want cheese out of love!
102
00:04:22,102 --> 00:04:24,402
You love your parents more than me.
Admit it!
103
00:04:24,470 --> 00:04:25,636
Done.
104
00:04:32,240 --> 00:04:33,840
Hello?
105
00:04:33,908 --> 00:04:35,407
Hello, Holly. Hi.
106
00:04:35,475 --> 00:04:37,241
Hey. Hi.
107
00:04:37,309 --> 00:04:40,009
Oh, look, Arthur, you and scout
are wearing the same sweater.
108
00:04:41,844 --> 00:04:43,611
Did you guys call each
other this morning?
109
00:04:43,678 --> 00:04:46,212
No, but I will admit I saw him
wearing that the other day,
110
00:04:46,279 --> 00:04:48,413
and he looked quite sharp.
111
00:04:49,748 --> 00:04:51,347
Ok, let's go. Bye, guys.
112
00:04:51,415 --> 00:04:52,848
Hang on one sec.
113
00:04:52,916 --> 00:04:55,449
Dad! I just opened up a
can of tuna for you!
114
00:04:55,517 --> 00:04:57,416
Well, when it turns
into delicious cheese,
115
00:04:57,484 --> 00:04:58,951
I'll eat it!
116
00:05:01,219 --> 00:05:03,186
You know what?
That sounds great.
117
00:05:03,253 --> 00:05:06,037
Yes, we'll see you in a half-hour.
Thank you so much.
118
00:05:06,105 --> 00:05:07,839
All right. Bye-bye.
119
00:05:07,906 --> 00:05:09,606
Who are we seeing in a half-hour?
The fertility doctor.
120
00:05:09,674 --> 00:05:10,706
They had a cancellation.
121
00:05:10,773 --> 00:05:12,373
Come on, they can get
us in right now.
122
00:05:12,441 --> 00:05:13,440
Now?
123
00:05:13,508 --> 00:05:15,108
We got to pick my
parents up at 3:00.
124
00:05:15,175 --> 00:05:17,008
It'll be perfect. We'll
go get checked out,
125
00:05:17,076 --> 00:05:18,677
then we'll go straight
to the airport.
126
00:05:18,743 --> 00:05:20,577
I don't feel like dealing
with this today.
127
00:05:20,644 --> 00:05:21,944
Why not?
128
00:05:22,012 --> 00:05:24,145
'Cause I'd... I'd rather be
told to switch to baggy shorts
129
00:05:24,212 --> 00:05:25,696
after new year's.
130
00:05:25,764 --> 00:05:27,980
Let's go. Come on.
131
00:05:31,299 --> 00:05:33,149
Ok. Well, I'm
pleased to tell you
132
00:05:33,217 --> 00:05:34,916
that the preliminary
tests we took today
133
00:05:34,984 --> 00:05:37,051
have been enough for us
to isolate the problem.
134
00:05:37,118 --> 00:05:39,485
Oh, well, that's good. So...
so what's going on?
135
00:05:39,553 --> 00:05:41,687
Doug. Yeah?
136
00:05:44,088 --> 00:05:47,105
Your sperm count and
motility check out fine.
137
00:05:47,173 --> 00:05:48,456
Yes!
138
00:05:48,524 --> 00:05:50,140
Love you guys!
139
00:05:51,341 --> 00:05:53,141
Sorry. I'm sorry.
140
00:05:53,276 --> 00:05:55,159
However, Carrie,
141
00:05:55,226 --> 00:05:57,277
we did find something
irregular in your tests.
142
00:05:57,344 --> 00:05:59,961
Apparently, you have only
one functioning ovary.
143
00:06:00,028 --> 00:06:01,512
Which means you're only fertile
144
00:06:01,578 --> 00:06:04,029
half as often as you
would otherwise be.
145
00:06:04,097 --> 00:06:05,346
Really?
146
00:06:05,413 --> 00:06:06,764
There are some drugs
you can take,
147
00:06:06,832 --> 00:06:08,982
but I'm hoping that that
won't be necessary.
148
00:06:08,984 --> 00:06:11,349
Um, actually, as a
matter of fact,
149
00:06:11,417 --> 00:06:14,183
you are beginning an
ovulation cycle today.
150
00:06:14,251 --> 00:06:16,084
I am?
151
00:06:16,152 --> 00:06:18,085
Yes, you are. These next 3
days would be a perfect time
152
00:06:18,153 --> 00:06:19,418
for you to try to get pregnant.
153
00:06:19,486 --> 00:06:20,586
So,
154
00:06:20,655 --> 00:06:23,521
my professional advice is
155
00:06:23,588 --> 00:06:25,022
get crackin'.
156
00:06:30,325 --> 00:06:32,425
So what's new, kids?
157
00:06:35,928 --> 00:06:37,493
Come on in, come on in.
158
00:06:37,561 --> 00:06:39,094
Oh, my goodness, Carrie,
159
00:06:39,162 --> 00:06:41,129
the house looks beautiful.
160
00:06:41,196 --> 00:06:42,297
It's so festive.
161
00:06:42,364 --> 00:06:43,530
Thank you, Janet.
162
00:06:43,597 --> 00:06:44,797
Hey!
163
00:06:44,864 --> 00:06:47,265
Where's that Miami dolphins
ornament I sent you?
164
00:06:47,333 --> 00:06:48,598
You didn't hang it up?
165
00:06:48,666 --> 00:06:50,566
No, I got my jets
ornament up there.
166
00:06:50,634 --> 00:06:52,301
So?
167
00:06:52,368 --> 00:06:53,834
So? I'm not gonna cancel
out my jets ornament
168
00:06:53,902 --> 00:06:55,969
with the freakin' dolphins!
169
00:06:56,037 --> 00:06:57,102
What are you, crazy?
170
00:06:57,170 --> 00:06:59,404
One ornament doesn't
cancel out another.
171
00:06:59,471 --> 00:07:02,421
Dad, they're both in the a.F.C.
East.
172
00:07:02,489 --> 00:07:04,740
While you two discuss the
true meaning of Christmas,
173
00:07:04,807 --> 00:07:06,073
can I make anybody some coffee?
174
00:07:06,141 --> 00:07:07,540
That would be lovely, dear.
175
00:07:07,608 --> 00:07:08,908
Do you need some help?
176
00:07:08,976 --> 00:07:11,308
You know what, mom, you relax.
I'll-I'll help her out.
177
00:07:11,376 --> 00:07:12,710
Leave his ornament alone, Joe.
178
00:07:12,778 --> 00:07:16,112
I was taking a candy cane!
179
00:07:16,179 --> 00:07:18,278
So how you... how you doing?
180
00:07:18,346 --> 00:07:22,197
Well, it wasn't my most favorite
trip to the doctor I've ever had.
181
00:07:22,265 --> 00:07:24,231
Did you have any idea before?
182
00:07:24,299 --> 00:07:28,634
Like, did you feel weird in, like, a...
a one-ovaryish kind of way?
183
00:07:30,586 --> 00:07:33,002
Well, I wasn't
tipping to one side,
184
00:07:33,069 --> 00:07:34,902
if that's what you mean.
185
00:07:36,170 --> 00:07:37,537
This sucks!
186
00:07:37,605 --> 00:07:40,105
Look, you heard what
the doctor-lady said.
187
00:07:40,172 --> 00:07:42,539
You still got one that's
open for business.
188
00:07:43,273 --> 00:07:44,507
That's true.
189
00:07:44,574 --> 00:07:46,773
We've got 3 fertile
days coming up,
190
00:07:46,841 --> 00:07:48,476
so we gotta make this happen.
191
00:07:48,543 --> 00:07:49,909
Hey, with my bullets,
192
00:07:49,977 --> 00:07:52,310
I can knock up you and
anyone standing behind you.
193
00:07:56,380 --> 00:07:59,080
I just wish we weren't
going through this
194
00:07:59,148 --> 00:08:00,481
with your parents visiting,
195
00:08:00,548 --> 00:08:02,665
but at least we'll have our
room this time, right?
196
00:08:02,733 --> 00:08:03,982
Yeah.
197
00:08:04,049 --> 00:08:05,300
Oh, God! The suitcases!
198
00:08:05,367 --> 00:08:06,500
Go!
199
00:08:12,454 --> 00:08:13,586
Mom! Mom!
200
00:08:13,654 --> 00:08:15,987
What? What are you running
around crazy for?
201
00:08:16,055 --> 00:08:18,489
I'm not. I... I... I just...
H-here, let me take those.
202
00:08:18,557 --> 00:08:19,989
Oh, thank you, darling.
203
00:08:20,057 --> 00:08:22,623
God forbid your father should
get off his you-know-what.
204
00:08:22,691 --> 00:08:23,707
Yeah.
205
00:08:23,775 --> 00:08:25,675
Uh, you know what? Follow
me into the office.
206
00:08:25,743 --> 00:08:26,708
Here we go.
207
00:08:26,776 --> 00:08:27,808
All right.
208
00:08:27,876 --> 00:08:30,076
There we go. Now we're in...
in business.
209
00:08:30,145 --> 00:08:31,511
Lookin' good, huh?
210
00:08:33,113 --> 00:08:34,613
Why are we in here?
211
00:08:34,680 --> 00:08:37,113
Oh, uh, well, to tell
you the truth, mom,
212
00:08:37,181 --> 00:08:38,947
Carrie and I were talking
213
00:08:39,015 --> 00:08:42,749
and, uh, we thought that
you might like to...
214
00:08:44,800 --> 00:08:47,352
S-s-see our computer.
215
00:08:49,519 --> 00:08:51,920
Why, dear?
216
00:08:51,988 --> 00:08:53,821
Why?
217
00:08:53,889 --> 00:08:56,955
We're buying you one for
your birthday, that's why!
218
00:08:57,023 --> 00:08:58,489
Oh, my God!
219
00:08:58,556 --> 00:09:00,590
Come on. Sit down. Try it
out, see how you like it.
220
00:09:00,658 --> 00:09:03,524
That is so sweet! Yeah, sweet.
221
00:09:03,592 --> 00:09:05,826
Oh, it's nice!
222
00:09:06,828 --> 00:09:08,894
Hey, Spooner!
223
00:09:08,961 --> 00:09:10,395
Good to see you.
224
00:09:10,462 --> 00:09:12,329
Season's greetings.
225
00:09:13,097 --> 00:09:14,296
Who's this?
226
00:09:14,363 --> 00:09:16,563
A little young for
you, isn't she?
227
00:09:16,631 --> 00:09:17,898
Hi, I'm Holly shumpert.
228
00:09:17,965 --> 00:09:19,166
Joe Heffernan.
229
00:09:19,233 --> 00:09:21,133
You got a couple of
nice puppies there.
230
00:09:25,068 --> 00:09:27,235
Thank... oh, the dogs!
The dogs, right.
231
00:09:27,303 --> 00:09:29,203
No, no. No.
232
00:09:29,271 --> 00:09:30,770
They're not mine, I'm just walking them.
That's what I do.
233
00:09:30,838 --> 00:09:32,271
So you're a dog Walker? Yeah.
234
00:09:32,338 --> 00:09:33,521
And a very busy one, at that.
235
00:09:33,589 --> 00:09:34,922
Goodbye.
236
00:09:34,990 --> 00:09:37,173
So, uh, what's the
deal here, Spooner?
237
00:09:37,241 --> 00:09:38,957
Are you a dog Walker, too?
238
00:09:39,025 --> 00:09:41,541
You... you two work
as a team, that it?
239
00:09:42,242 --> 00:09:44,242
Not exactly, n-no.
240
00:09:44,310 --> 00:09:46,977
It's a Doug and
Carrie pay m-me to...
241
00:09:47,044 --> 00:09:49,178
A-Arthur needs to get
out occasionally...
242
00:09:49,246 --> 00:09:51,563
Now wait... wait...
wait a second.
243
00:09:52,831 --> 00:09:55,064
Is she saying that
Doug and Carrie
244
00:09:55,132 --> 00:09:59,065
pay a dog Walker to walk you?
245
00:09:59,133 --> 00:10:01,417
She does not walk me.
246
00:10:01,485 --> 00:10:02,750
She walks with me.
247
00:10:02,818 --> 00:10:04,385
If I want to go left, I go left,
248
00:10:04,452 --> 00:10:05,985
if I want to go
right, I go right.
249
00:10:06,053 --> 00:10:09,920
No dog on this earth has
that kind of leeway!
250
00:10:15,524 --> 00:10:17,590
You had her suitcase
in this room.
251
00:10:17,658 --> 00:10:19,791
You couldn't just
close the deal?
252
00:10:19,859 --> 00:10:21,659
I just froze up.
253
00:10:21,727 --> 00:10:23,993
I tried to speak, but the
words wouldn't come.
254
00:10:24,061 --> 00:10:26,495
All right, forget about it.
It's not the end of the world.
255
00:10:26,562 --> 00:10:28,329
By the way, we got to
buy her a computer.
256
00:10:28,397 --> 00:10:29,862
Ok
257
00:10:29,930 --> 00:10:31,096
You know what?
258
00:10:31,164 --> 00:10:33,047
If I don't get a friggin'
baby out of this,
259
00:10:33,114 --> 00:10:35,565
you are so dead. Yeah.
260
00:10:35,633 --> 00:10:37,033
All right.
261
00:10:37,935 --> 00:10:40,167
Hop on in, butch.
262
00:10:41,585 --> 00:10:42,802
Oh, God, it's creaking.
263
00:10:42,820 --> 00:10:45,020
That's ok. Just come on.
It's not gonna hold us.
264
00:10:45,088 --> 00:10:46,854
Just go slow. Come on!
265
00:10:49,505 --> 00:10:51,239
You see? There, it stopped.
266
00:10:51,306 --> 00:10:53,640
'Cause I'm just lying here, but
once we start doing stuff,
267
00:10:53,708 --> 00:10:56,341
it's gonna sound like
geppetto's workshop in here.
268
00:10:59,144 --> 00:11:01,760
You're gonna be fine.
269
00:11:05,429 --> 00:11:06,829
You ready? Yeah.
270
00:11:06,896 --> 00:11:08,229
All right, here we go.
271
00:11:08,297 --> 00:11:09,897
Ok. Easy.
272
00:11:09,965 --> 00:11:11,297
All right.
273
00:11:13,683 --> 00:11:15,016
Ok.
274
00:11:15,084 --> 00:11:16,416
Yeah?
275
00:11:16,484 --> 00:11:18,517
Hey, Dougie, I
forgot to tell you,
276
00:11:18,585 --> 00:11:20,085
I promised Lou dimaria
277
00:11:20,153 --> 00:11:22,003
that we'd go see his grandkid
278
00:11:22,070 --> 00:11:25,604
in this Christmas choir
show tomorrow night.
279
00:11:25,672 --> 00:11:26,905
You remember Lou?
280
00:11:26,972 --> 00:11:28,105
Yeah, Lou. Yeah.
281
00:11:28,173 --> 00:11:29,606
Yeah. So you'll come?
282
00:11:29,608 --> 00:11:31,424
It'll mean a lot to
Lou and your mother.
283
00:11:31,492 --> 00:11:32,758
Sure, dad. We're there.
284
00:11:32,825 --> 00:11:34,308
Ok. Good night.
285
00:11:34,375 --> 00:11:35,374
Good night.
286
00:11:36,277 --> 00:11:38,010
Ok. That didn't help.
287
00:11:42,345 --> 00:11:43,646
No.
288
00:11:45,180 --> 00:11:48,647
Has you dad always had those
brown spots on his legs?
289
00:11:48,715 --> 00:11:50,131
I couldn't tell you.
290
00:11:50,199 --> 00:11:51,565
They could laser
those right off.
291
00:11:51,633 --> 00:11:53,199
You know, this isn't
helping, either.
292
00:11:53,267 --> 00:11:55,684
Ok. I'm sorry. You're right.
I love you. Ok. Come on.
293
00:11:55,752 --> 00:11:56,950
I love you.
294
00:12:08,157 --> 00:12:09,723
We're getting a fax.
295
00:12:12,759 --> 00:12:14,975
This won't take long.
296
00:12:21,229 --> 00:12:23,896
We'll have sex in a minute.
297
00:12:27,065 --> 00:12:28,565
Ok. All right.
298
00:12:31,934 --> 00:12:33,267
All right.
299
00:12:37,986 --> 00:12:42,187
Ok, I'm at least 6 inches
lower than last time.
300
00:12:42,256 --> 00:12:45,356
You know what? Let's just
forget about this tonight,
301
00:12:45,423 --> 00:12:47,690
and tomorrow morning, we'll
talk to your parents,
302
00:12:47,758 --> 00:12:50,591
tell them what's going on and have
them give us our bedroom back.
303
00:12:50,659 --> 00:12:52,892
I don't want to have that
conversation with them. Why not?
304
00:12:52,960 --> 00:12:55,409
'Cause I don't feel like asking
them to help me have sex, ok?
305
00:12:55,477 --> 00:12:56,594
I'm funny that way.
306
00:12:56,661 --> 00:12:58,378
All right, how about this:
307
00:12:58,446 --> 00:13:00,512
Tomorrow night we blow
off that choir thing,
308
00:13:00,580 --> 00:13:02,330
and we'll have the
house to ourselves.
309
00:13:02,398 --> 00:13:04,764
No, we can't blow it off,
it's Lou dimaria's grandkid.
310
00:13:04,831 --> 00:13:06,982
Who the hell is Lou dimaria?
311
00:13:07,050 --> 00:13:11,117
Uh, Lou dimaria of
Lou dimaria Subaru?
312
00:13:11,185 --> 00:13:12,851
Oh!
313
00:13:12,919 --> 00:13:15,535
Oh, my God! I had no idea!
314
00:13:16,671 --> 00:13:18,953
He's an old friend
of the family, ok?
315
00:13:19,021 --> 00:13:22,939
I'll get the job done now. I'll figure
a way to do it. Now let's do it.
316
00:13:23,007 --> 00:13:25,307
You're hot, I love you, let's do it.
All right.
317
00:13:28,910 --> 00:13:30,943
Ok.
318
00:13:31,526 --> 00:13:33,627
Yeah?
319
00:13:33,695 --> 00:13:37,445
I hear you're joining us for
Lou's grandson's choir recital.
320
00:13:37,512 --> 00:13:38,695
We are so happy!
321
00:13:47,500 --> 00:13:49,533
So you want to keep going...
322
00:13:49,601 --> 00:13:52,868
I couldn't make love to
Julia Roberts right now.
323
00:13:56,254 --> 00:13:57,770
♪ 4 calling birds
324
00:14:07,459 --> 00:14:09,509
Friggin' kids.
325
00:14:10,343 --> 00:14:11,677
What's the matter?
326
00:14:11,744 --> 00:14:14,495
What's the matter is, I've
only got one good ovary,
327
00:14:14,562 --> 00:14:16,012
it's firing right now,
328
00:14:16,079 --> 00:14:17,963
and I'm stuck here
listening to these losers.
329
00:14:18,031 --> 00:14:19,263
Come on, back it down a notch.
330
00:14:19,331 --> 00:14:22,065
I'm not gonna back it down.
I want a baby.
331
00:14:22,133 --> 00:14:23,365
Can't we just get out of here?
332
00:14:23,433 --> 00:14:24,899
No. Why?
333
00:14:24,967 --> 00:14:27,134
We live 5 minutes from here.
We can...
334
00:14:27,202 --> 00:14:29,468
We can go home for a half-hour,
335
00:14:29,536 --> 00:14:31,002
do what we gotta
do, and get back
336
00:14:31,070 --> 00:14:33,170
before they get to
the hanukkah songs.
337
00:14:34,622 --> 00:14:35,720
I don't know.
338
00:14:35,822 --> 00:14:37,488
Come on, your parents
won't even notice.
339
00:14:37,556 --> 00:14:40,089
I think it's fate that we
couldn't find seats next to them.
340
00:14:40,157 --> 00:14:41,657
It's like the
spirit of Christmas
341
00:14:41,725 --> 00:14:44,324
is telling us to go home
and squeeze in a quickie.
342
00:14:46,109 --> 00:14:47,176
All right, but be careful.
343
00:14:47,244 --> 00:14:49,077
This place is crawling
with dimarias. Ok.
344
00:14:56,314 --> 00:14:57,947
And now, would you
all please join us
345
00:14:57,965 --> 00:14:59,982
for our famous
jingle bells dance!
346
00:15:00,050 --> 00:15:01,216
♪
347
00:15:01,283 --> 00:15:02,850
Oh, I'm sorry.
348
00:15:02,917 --> 00:15:03,983
My wife has one ovary.
349
00:15:05,302 --> 00:15:07,617
♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells
350
00:15:07,686 --> 00:15:09,719
♪ jingle all the way
351
00:15:12,621 --> 00:15:14,055
Want to dance with us, sir?
352
00:15:14,122 --> 00:15:15,922
I can't. My wife's
got a bad ovary.
353
00:15:15,990 --> 00:15:16,922
Oh, come on!
354
00:15:16,990 --> 00:15:18,956
No, she really does.
One bad one.
355
00:15:19,024 --> 00:15:20,724
♪ Oh, what fun it is to ride
356
00:15:24,994 --> 00:15:26,861
Ok. We've got a problem.
357
00:15:26,928 --> 00:15:28,694
I only have one good ovary.
358
00:15:30,430 --> 00:15:31,628
Oh, my!
359
00:15:31,697 --> 00:15:34,429
Yeah, and we're trying
to make you a grandkid,
360
00:15:34,497 --> 00:15:36,263
but it turns out these 3 days,
361
00:15:36,331 --> 00:15:38,264
the 3 days that you
guys are here,
362
00:15:38,332 --> 00:15:41,633
are our last shot to conceive
for a couple of months.
363
00:15:41,700 --> 00:15:45,034
Actually, we're down
to one night now.
364
00:15:45,102 --> 00:15:46,818
I told you it wasn't Dougie.
365
00:15:52,222 --> 00:15:55,139
We're so sorry. What
can we do to help?
366
00:15:55,206 --> 00:15:56,672
Well, um,
367
00:15:56,740 --> 00:15:59,791
a little more privacy might
make it easier for us.
368
00:15:59,858 --> 00:16:02,142
Why didn't you say so
in the first place?
369
00:16:02,209 --> 00:16:04,010
Joe, maybe we should
go to a hotel.
370
00:16:04,077 --> 00:16:05,593
What? Why?
371
00:16:05,661 --> 00:16:06,977
Why?
372
00:16:07,045 --> 00:16:09,678
'Cause Dougie can't make love
with us across the hall.
373
00:16:11,847 --> 00:16:13,830
Why the hell not? He
did it in high school.
374
00:16:13,897 --> 00:16:15,931
Never! Sure!
375
00:16:15,999 --> 00:16:18,266
With that, uh, that girl
that played lacrosse.
376
00:16:18,334 --> 00:16:20,250
What was her name, son?
377
00:16:20,385 --> 00:16:21,450
Betsy Keenan.
378
00:16:21,518 --> 00:16:22,700
Yeah, that's right!
379
00:16:22,768 --> 00:16:24,801
They were in the den. I
heard 'em plain as day.
380
00:16:24,970 --> 00:16:27,220
You fell asleep watching Carson.
381
00:16:28,488 --> 00:16:31,788
I had no idea.
382
00:16:31,790 --> 00:16:33,505
I hope you used
ñprotection, dear.
383
00:16:33,674 --> 00:16:34,889
Oh, God.
384
00:16:37,893 --> 00:16:40,158
I got it, darling.
385
00:16:40,226 --> 00:16:41,826
Oh, good morning, Holly. Hi.
386
00:16:41,894 --> 00:16:43,027
I'll see you all later.
387
00:16:43,095 --> 00:16:44,928
Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold
up there, Spooner.
388
00:16:44,996 --> 00:16:47,096
Janet, this is the one I
was telling you about,
389
00:16:47,163 --> 00:16:49,129
the one that walks Arthur.
390
00:16:49,197 --> 00:16:50,996
Hi, happy holidays!
391
00:16:51,014 --> 00:16:52,080
Hi.
392
00:16:52,148 --> 00:16:53,648
Hey, I could use some fresh air.
393
00:16:53,716 --> 00:16:55,782
You mind if I join
you on the walk?
394
00:16:56,750 --> 00:16:58,182
No, I don't mind.
395
00:16:58,250 --> 00:16:59,618
Terrific! All right!
396
00:16:59,684 --> 00:17:02,018
I'll see you all in a
couple hours, huh?
397
00:17:06,288 --> 00:17:08,138
Ok. Here's an idea.
398
00:17:08,205 --> 00:17:10,438
How about if Joe and I go out
to dinner tonight with Arthur
399
00:17:10,505 --> 00:17:12,205
and leave the whole
house to you kids?
400
00:17:12,273 --> 00:17:14,941
And you can take your
bedroom back, too.
401
00:17:15,008 --> 00:17:17,192
That would be perfect, Janet.
Thank you.
402
00:17:17,259 --> 00:17:18,425
Our pleasure.
403
00:17:18,493 --> 00:17:19,592
So.
404
00:17:19,660 --> 00:17:22,127
What time do you need
us to stay out until?
405
00:17:22,195 --> 00:17:23,695
Uh, midnight, 1 A.M.?
406
00:17:23,762 --> 00:17:25,845
That's crazy. Don't have
to stay out that late.
407
00:17:25,913 --> 00:17:28,646
Well, how much time
do you need, Doug?
408
00:17:31,182 --> 00:17:33,849
Definitely not till midnight.
Ok.
409
00:17:36,785 --> 00:17:39,151
Uh, come back at 9:00.
9:00 is good.
410
00:17:39,219 --> 00:17:40,135
9:00?
411
00:17:40,203 --> 00:17:42,136
Speedy Gonzales here.
412
00:17:51,125 --> 00:17:53,224
Doug, it's 8:25. I know.
413
00:17:53,291 --> 00:17:55,858
They're gonna be back at 9:00.
I know that.
414
00:17:55,926 --> 00:17:58,210
I'm obviously having a
little problem here.
415
00:17:58,277 --> 00:17:59,577
8:26.
416
00:17:59,645 --> 00:18:01,961
I don't understand this. I've
never had this problem before.
417
00:18:02,029 --> 00:18:04,478
Actually, you have, honey.
418
00:18:04,480 --> 00:18:05,896
Ok. That time doesn't count.
419
00:18:05,963 --> 00:18:08,631
The mets had just lost
the world series.
420
00:18:08,699 --> 00:18:10,899
What are you so
stressed about, anyway?
421
00:18:10,966 --> 00:18:12,400
Nobody's home.
422
00:18:12,467 --> 00:18:14,700
Y-your parents are out having
a nice dinner with my dad.
423
00:18:14,801 --> 00:18:17,251
Exactly. They're out, so I can
be here having sex with you.
424
00:18:17,318 --> 00:18:19,052
That's the entire
purpose of the dinner!
425
00:18:19,119 --> 00:18:21,020
Do you realize the
pressure that puts on me?
426
00:18:21,087 --> 00:18:22,720
Doug.
427
00:18:22,788 --> 00:18:25,454
Doug, they're not even
thinking about you.
428
00:18:25,472 --> 00:18:26,889
They're probably obsessing
429
00:18:26,956 --> 00:18:29,139
over how little they
can leave the waiter.
430
00:18:29,207 --> 00:18:30,806
Believe me, they're
talking about us.
431
00:18:30,874 --> 00:18:32,858
"So, you think they made
us a grandchild yet,
432
00:18:32,892 --> 00:18:34,375
or should we get
some more coffee?"
433
00:18:34,442 --> 00:18:35,743
"I don't know. Ask Spooner."
434
00:18:35,811 --> 00:18:37,893
"I invented coffee!"
435
00:18:39,795 --> 00:18:41,229
It's 8:27.
436
00:18:41,297 --> 00:18:42,729
It's 8:27!
437
00:18:42,797 --> 00:18:46,730
Come on. Come on. Damn you!
438
00:18:46,798 --> 00:18:49,399
Doug, that is not
gonna help you relax.
439
00:18:49,466 --> 00:18:52,850
Oh, damn you.
440
00:18:52,918 --> 00:18:55,519
Doug, listen to me.
Listen to me.
441
00:18:55,586 --> 00:18:58,853
Just forget about
everything, everyone, ok?
442
00:18:58,921 --> 00:19:00,887
It's just you and me here.
443
00:19:00,955 --> 00:19:03,621
Just come back to bed. Ok?
444
00:19:03,689 --> 00:19:04,671
Ok.
445
00:19:04,740 --> 00:19:05,672
Ok.
446
00:19:05,741 --> 00:19:06,973
Ok. All right.
447
00:19:07,041 --> 00:19:09,174
Let me fluff up your pillow
448
00:19:09,242 --> 00:19:11,674
the way you like it. All right?
Okey-doke.
449
00:19:11,743 --> 00:19:12,675
What was that?
450
00:19:12,744 --> 00:19:13,909
No. It's done. It's done.
451
00:19:13,977 --> 00:19:15,509
Oh, my God. It's my
mother's pajamas!
452
00:19:15,577 --> 00:19:17,077
Oh, my God! Mama's p.J.S.
453
00:19:17,145 --> 00:19:19,112
All gone! All gone!
Mama's p.J.S! No!
454
00:19:19,179 --> 00:19:21,012
All gone! All gone! All gone!
455
00:19:21,080 --> 00:19:24,014
Ok? All right. No... no... no.
456
00:19:24,082 --> 00:19:25,915
Come back to bed. Come on.
457
00:19:25,982 --> 00:19:27,015
This way, baby.
458
00:19:27,083 --> 00:19:30,016
That's right. Come to mama.
459
00:19:30,084 --> 00:19:31,817
Sorry. Bad choice of words.
460
00:19:33,085 --> 00:19:36,019
All right. Now,
listen to me, you.
461
00:19:36,087 --> 00:19:40,855
You are the most wonderful
man I've ever known.
462
00:19:40,922 --> 00:19:43,839
And there's nothing I
want more right now
463
00:19:43,906 --> 00:19:45,689
than to make a baby with you.
464
00:19:45,757 --> 00:19:49,925
The thing is, we only
have 20 minutes.
465
00:19:51,143 --> 00:19:52,193
Ok?
466
00:19:52,260 --> 00:19:55,478
So help me help you.
467
00:19:57,079 --> 00:19:58,479
Ok.
468
00:19:58,547 --> 00:20:00,079
How's that?
469
00:20:00,147 --> 00:20:03,048
Hmm, well, that's...
That's good right there.
470
00:20:03,115 --> 00:20:04,448
All right.
471
00:20:04,516 --> 00:20:07,399
Now, you just think
real sexy thoughts.
472
00:20:07,467 --> 00:20:09,000
Ok. Like what?
473
00:20:09,068 --> 00:20:11,818
Um, think of Alyssa Milano.
474
00:20:11,903 --> 00:20:13,369
Huh? She's hot,
475
00:20:13,437 --> 00:20:15,919
plus her last name's a cookie.
476
00:20:17,038 --> 00:20:19,422
Ohhh, yeah. Ok.
477
00:20:20,323 --> 00:20:21,722
Oh, that's good.
478
00:20:21,790 --> 00:20:23,056
I know.
479
00:20:26,092 --> 00:20:27,425
Why can't we go in?
480
00:20:27,493 --> 00:20:29,176
Hear something? Yeah.
481
00:20:29,244 --> 00:20:30,259
What is that?
482
00:20:30,327 --> 00:20:33,295
You know what? I... I...
I don't know.
483
00:20:33,362 --> 00:20:34,528
Where's it coming from?
484
00:20:34,596 --> 00:20:37,563
Why can't we go in?
485
00:20:37,630 --> 00:20:39,564
Because we're not
supposed to be back
486
00:20:39,631 --> 00:20:41,131
for another 25 minutes.
487
00:20:41,232 --> 00:20:43,365
They're trying to make a baby.
488
00:20:43,433 --> 00:20:44,598
I'm freezing here!
489
00:20:44,617 --> 00:20:46,034
Then take a walk.
490
00:20:46,101 --> 00:20:48,901
Or do you only like to do that
when a pretty girl takes you?
491
00:20:48,968 --> 00:20:51,269
Finally, someone had
the guts to say it!
492
00:20:51,337 --> 00:20:52,836
Shh!
493
00:20:52,904 --> 00:20:56,538
We are just gonna stand here
and wait here until 9:00
494
00:20:56,605 --> 00:20:58,539
because that is
what Dougie needs.
495
00:21:16,364 --> 00:21:17,997
Meet you back here
in a couple months.
496
00:21:18,065 --> 00:21:20,331
You got it. Ok.
497
00:21:35,689 --> 00:21:38,539
Carrie! I'm ready!
498
00:21:42,659 --> 00:21:44,893
So, your whole family's
back in Maine, huh?
499
00:21:44,960 --> 00:21:46,626
Yep. All 13 of them.
500
00:21:46,695 --> 00:21:48,626
I'm the only one not still
working at the fish hatchery.
501
00:21:48,695 --> 00:21:49,995
Fish hatchery, huh?
502
00:21:50,063 --> 00:21:51,562
What is that, COD
country up there?
503
00:21:51,629 --> 00:21:52,962
Bluefish, mostly.
504
00:21:53,831 --> 00:21:55,130
Don't worry, fellas.
505
00:21:55,198 --> 00:21:57,498
He's just flavor of the month.
506
00:21:57,565 --> 00:21:59,765
Flavor of the month.
35327
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