All language subtitles for The Love Boat S08E01 The Crews Cruise Director What a Drag Docs Slump 1080p PMTP WEB-DL AAC2 0 H 264-BTN (1)_track3_[eng]

I'm really looking forward
to this cruise to Alaska.
I've never been there.

Oh, well,
you will love it.

The scenery's spectacular.

Yeah, I'll say the scenery
is spectacular.

This cruise is
for ladies only.

[laughs]

Oh, good. Isaac,
you're here already.

Yeah, I brought the bubbly.
What's the big occasion?

I don't know.

Dad just told me to have
everybody come down here

and have you bring up
some champagne.

Only one bottle?

Can't be much of a party.

Say, where's Julie?

Well, I don't know.
I left a message
on her machine.

She's probably on her way.

Maybe the captain
is going to tell us

that the "ladies only"
cruise is off.

See you next cruise.

Ah, good afternoon,
everyone.

Captain, how you doing?

Merrill. What's up?

Nothing important, really.

Unless you consider it
important that Julie
got married.

What?

You're kidding!

She got married
last night.

What, to Marty Chenault?

[Stubing] Yes.

Yes. She called and told me
she wanted all of us there,

but it was very spur
of the moment.

However, she wrote
each of us a note

and had them delivered.

Thank you.

"Dear Vicki, I don't know
how I'm going to get along

without you and the rest
of my family on the ship.

I miss all of you already."

Oh, I'm so happy for Julie.

-"My darling Gopher--"
-Please. Read them later.

I don't want my office
to float away in a sea of tears.

A toast!

Doc.

Thanks, Isaac.

To Julie.

[all] To Julie.

May she have as much joy
as she brought to us.

Hear, hear.

Aw...

[Stubing on PA]
Welcome to our cruise
to Alaska for ladies only.

One of you lucky ladies
will win a date

with Engelbert Humperdinck,
who will join us in Juneau.

How about a shot right there?
How about a shot? Hmm?

Hello. How are you?

Just fine, thank you.
Hi, how are you?
Nice to see you.

Hello.

Isn't this something?
Hello!

Midnight sailing.
All these beautiful women.

I feel like a kid
in a candy store.

What a way
to get cavities, huh?

Yes.

Gentlemen.

[Gopher and Ace] Sir!

This is our new cruise director,
Bernice Bronson.

Miss Bronson,
this is our purser,
Burl Smith.

Nice to have you with us.

And our ship's photographer,
Ace Evans.

Hi.

Gopher, why don't you show
Miss Bronson the ropes?

I'll see you
a little later.

Thank you, Captain.

So, what would you like me
to show you first, Bernice?

Some respect.
It's Miss Bronson.

Besides, I've been doing
this job for almost 20 years.

So I don't think I have much
to learn from some kid

who probably has to put
tissue paper in his hatband

to keep it from falling down
over his ears.

Now look, lady, this is not
my first day on the job.

I have been
the assistant purser
here for six years.

They may have
brought you along too fast.

It's Ace, right?

Right.

Uh-huh.
I bet you're a card.

Good luck.

Captain Stubing?
I'm Jane Fletcher, hi.

Yes?

Fletcher Travel Agency.

Oh, of course.
We talked on the phone.

Yes.

It's a pleasure
to meet you in person.

Thank you.

This is my daughter,
Vicki.

Hello, Vicki.

Hi, how do you do?

The "ladies only" cruise
was Mrs. Fletcher's idea.

Yeah.

I can't believe that
so many women would want
to get away from men.

[laughs]
I wouldn't have believed it
either at your age.

-But wait till you've been
married as long as I have.
-[laughs]

I think it's great that
one of these ladies will win
a date with Engelbert.

Isn't it fun? And she'll be
on the cover of his new album.

Engelbert will pick the winner
when he joins us in Alaska.

Oh, boy, would I love
to stuff the ballot box.

Harry, this is ridiculous!

Relax, Ralph.

We look just like
any other woman on the cruise.

Except for those two. Harry,
this is stretching friendship
a little too far.

Come here. Look, Jane is
on this ship, and I've got
to find out what she's up to.

You always think she's up
to something, and she's
never been up to nothing.

Yeah, but this one is different.
She arranged the whole trip.

Now you can bet there's
a man involved somewhere.

There she is.

Harry, what could she be up to?
This cruise is for ladies only.

Yeah, then who's that
with all the gold braid,
Wonder Woman?

May I help you,
ladies?

Oh, no, thank you, deary.

We're just looking
for the little girls' room.

[giggles]

Look here, we've got ladies
as far as the eye can see.

Not interested. I've got
a date coming. Remember?

When you've got a girl
like Emily, one is enough.

Okay, we'll take
these two. Come on.

Ladies, ladies,
good evening.

Oh, hi.

Hello.

What are you men
doing here?

I thought this cruise
was only for women.

Well, somebody's
got to do the rowing.

[all laugh]

Listen, how about
a photograph, huh?
Gopher, ladies?

Uh, Doc, come on. Doc?

Oh, no, no.

Doc, come on.
Just a little photograph.

Come on. Come on.

[women] Come on!

Big smiles.

Very close together now.

All right.

Cozy?

Nice and cozy here.

[Ace] Okay?

Oh, wait, wait, wait...

Perfect. All right,
flash those pearlies!

-[shutter clicks]
-Great. Beautiful.

One more, one more.

All right.

Everybody make a face,
all right?

[all chattering, laughing]

Guess who?

Uh, I give up.

Emily! Oh!

I'm so glad you're here.

[Emily] Yes.

I can see you're
practicing to greet me.

Oh, I was just being nice
to the passengers.
It's part of my job.

You're the doctor, Adam.

Well, I have to be nice
to the healthy ones too.

[laughs]

I have a feeling
this cruise is a big mistake.

Oh, no, because of
that woman back there?

-No, Adam, because of
all the women back there.
-[scoffs]

-The one in San Francisco?
-[scoffs]

-The one in Beverly Hills?
-[scoffs]

-The one in La Jolla?
-I don't see her anymore.

This cruise just
isn't going to work.

Of course it will.
We're going to have
a wonderful time.

Now look, Emily,
you're just a little tired
from your trip.

Why don't you go
to your cabin,
have a good night's rest

and we'll talk about it
in the morning, okay?

Hey, Emily, hey.

Remember that trip
we took last summer?

Yeah. I was thinking
about that on the plane.

Oh...

You know what?

What?

I think I will stay.

Great!

See you in the morning.

Come by early.

Oh!

Come on, Doc.
Let's get another picture.

No, no, no.

[all clamoring]

Doc, come on.
We need you. One more.

Come on!

[woman] We need you.

[Gopher] Please?

[woman] Please?

All right! Oh, wait a minute.
Let's switch places.

Yeah, yeah,
that's a great idea.

Okay.

Come on, switch.
Okay, here we go.

On this picture, I want
everybody to make a face.

Here we go, one, two--
Big funny faces!

One two, three!

[shutter clicks]

[all laughing]

[Ace] That's it, okay.
Let's see.

This time, why don't...

Captain Stubing.

Yes?

I'm Judy McCoy,
Julie's sister.

Well, if you're not,
Julie has a picture
of a very pretty girl

who looks just like you.

Thank you.

And speaking of pretty girls,
you must be Vicki.

Yes.

Julie told me
all about you.

Oh, well, Julie told me
an awful lot about you.

Yes, she said that you were
planning on taking this cruise
to spend some time with her.

Yeah, and even though
she decided to run off
and get married,

I decided I'd take
the cruise anyway.

-Well, I'm glad you did.
-So, how was the wedding?

I'm afraid you're gonna
have to ask Marty and Julie
that question.

They were
the only two there.

[camera whirring]

Ready?

Yeah.

Ah! Good evening.

Good night and goodbye,
gentlemen. Have a nice trip.

Ah, no. Emily,
where are you going?

Tell Adam I've had second
thoughts and I've decided
not to take the cruise.

[both] Why?

I'm at a different stage
in life than he is.

I'm looking for
just one man,

and that man has to be
looking for just one woman.

Bon voyage.

Emily, wait a minute.
Emily, don't leave.

Look, we can work-- Emily!

Oh, that's good,
that's great.

That's only gonna throw
Doc for a loop.

Well, pal, who's going
to break the news to him?

Well, pal, I'll
tell you what we'll do.
Flip for it, okay?

All righty.

You call it.

Right. Heads.

[splashes]

It's tails. You tell him.

[ship horn blowing]

[Gopher on PA]
Ladies, welcome aboard
the Pacific Princess.

The first stop
on our cruise to Alaska

will be beautiful
Vancouver, British Columbia.

Then on to Ketchikan and Juneau,

where Engelbert Humperdinck
will fly in to perform for you.

Now, nighty-night
and sweet dreams.

We'll see you in the morning.

Hmm... He looks like fun.

Bernice!

Judy!

What are you doing here?

[whistles] I'm working,
what do you think?

I didn't know you were
the one replacing my sister.

Judy, what are you doing here?
I thought you quit work
and got married.

Well, I just got a divorce.

That's even better.

Now, come off it, Bernice.
I know you.

You're not as cynical
as you try to appear.

Darling, those were
the old days.

Now I am more cynical
than I try to appear.

Pardon me. Can you tell me
the temperature of the pool?

What do I look like,
a thermometer?

It's 84 degrees.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Judy,
you haven't changed.

You're being charming.

Sorry.

I don't know how we're going
to tell Doc that Emily
has already left the ship.

I know, it's been on my mind
all night long.

It's the only thing
I can think about.

Hello.

Hi! Care to join us?

Oh, unfortunately
we're still on duty.

Oh, unfortunately
for all of us.

Of course,
we could quit our jobs.

Yes, you could.

Well, back to the darkroom.

See you later.

See you.

I can't believe it.

[Harry] I can't believe
my wife is playing around
behind my back.

[Ralph] I've been living
with your crazy jealousies
for ten years now, Harry.

At your wedding, you thought
she was winking at the minister.

Two years ago, you wanted
to shoot Santa Claus 'cause
she was sitting on his lap.

Your kids
have to eat dry cereal

'cause you won't let
a milkman in the house.

Maybe it's me.

I guess I always felt
I wasn't good enough for her.

You got a point there,
Harry.

After all, what could Jane see
in an average guy like me?

Not average, Harry.

Unique. After all, how many
lady plumbers are there?

Now, ladies,
let's discuss the red wines,

the nectar of romance.

Look at the color.

Deep, warm, red,

the color of passion.

Isaac, do you know what kind
of wine Engelbert drinks?

Oh, Engelbert
doesn't drink wine.
He's a pop singer.

I always heard that
bartenders are great wits.

It's nice to know
there's an exception.

You know, you've done
a wonderful job of organizing
this cruise, Mrs. Fletcher.

Oh, thank you, Captain.

I have been so busy,
I haven't even had a chance
to look around the ship.

Well, then I'll take you
on the captain's tour.

I usually charge a dollar,
but for travel agents,
I give a 50% discount.

Okay. I'll put it
on my expense account.

[chuckles] That's funny.

Don't tell me Jane's
not up to something.

Do you see her with the captain?
He was all over her.

They were walking
arm in arm.

Yeah, and the arm
is connected to the shoulder,

and you know what
the shoulder's connected to?

Hey, guys.

Hi.

Hi, Doc.

Have you seen Emily?

Uh, yeah.
Quite a while ago.

Where?

On the gangway.

Gangway? The gangway hasn't
been down since we sailed.

That's what Ace wants
to talk to you about, Doc.

Uh...

-Emily left.
-Left?

Right.

Left. Right. Left...

Hold it. Hold it, guys.
What happened?

Doc.
She thought it over

and she figured
it just wouldn't work out
between the two of you, so...

Come on, Doc. Look,
we're on a beautiful cruise
with beautiful women.

Yeah,
but not the right one.

Ace and I
will stick by you.

Yeah.

You're not the right one either.
Guess Alaska's gonna be
a lot colder than I thought.

[Bernice on PA]
Welcome to Vancouver, ladies,

one of Canada's
most sophisticated cities.

Explore fabulous Stanley Park
or take a gander

at the colorful boutiques and
galleries in historic Gastown.

And for those of you
who get back in time,

dinner will be served
in the Coral Dining Room.

Captain.

Oh, Mrs. Fletcher,
good evening. Over here, please.

Ms. Fletcher.

Hello, Doc.

[Vicki] Hi.

Vicki.

The Acapulco Lounge
has been set up

just the way you wanted
for your pajama party.

-Oh, good.
-Ooh, can I come?

Of course. It'll be fun.

We're giving prizes
for the slinkiest

and the most
outrageous nighties.

Well, don't start
until I lock up my crew.

Don't tell me
there's nothing going on
with Jane and the captain.

She can't keep
her hands off him.

Don't worry, Harry.

She'll get tired of him
just like she did with you.

Maybe you think
you belong here--

[in high-pitched voice]
Oh! Well, what looks good
tonight?

[high-pitched voice]
Why don't you have
what the captain's having?

[giggling nervously]

[in French accent]
Bon soir, mademoiselles.
Permit me to recommend

for your dining
pleasure tonight

the potage du pommes de terre
and the salmon en croûte.

[in French accent]
And for after dinner pleasure,

may I suggest the purser
and the ship's photographer?

[grunting]

Ooh la la!

That's great. We'd better
eat light, Diane,
and save some room.

Yes, we're going
to the pajama party.

So, we'll look
for you guys after that.

Uh-huh. Well, if you're
gonna be wearing pajamas,

I guess we'll be doing
the looking, right?

[all] Good evening.

How are you?

Hello.

Hey, Doc.

Captain.

Ace and I have lined up
a couple of dates for tonight

and wanted to know
if you wanted to join us.

No, thanks. I appreciate
what you're trying to do,

but I think
I'll turn in early tonight.

Sorry, Doc. We're not
taking no for an answer.

Well, okay then. Yes.

We're not taking yes
for an answer either.

[groans] Just kidding.

Jane is looking right at me.

She's got a strange look
on her face.

Maybe because what
she's looking at is strange.

Everything all right?

Oh, yes, fine.

I, uh, saw someone
I thought looked familiar.

Since your sister worked
on the ship, I am putting you
at the captain's table.

Oh, you didn't
have to do that.

Yes, I did.

The captain told me to.
Captain, your dinner guest.

Thank you.

Miss McCoy.

Hello.

Thank you very much,
Bernice.

Aren't you going
to join us?

Too busy. Busy, busy, busy.

[laughs]

-Bernice seems to be doing
a very good job.
-Oh, she always does.

I've known her since we worked
together as cruise directors.
She's helped me a lot.

Oh, that's right. I forgot.
Julie told me that you were
the one who taught her.

Too bad you couldn't have
taught Bernice a few things.

Bernice obviously knows her job
or else she wouldn't have lasted
as long as she has.

That's right,
and I think you'll like her
when you get to know her.

Yeah, like getting
to know Dracula.

By the time you've established
a good relationship,
you don't have any blood left.

[Gopher on PA]
We are now leaving Vancouver.
Our next stop, Ketchikan.

Don't get excited, ladies.
I said "Ketchikan,"
not "catch-a-man."

But there's still time
to catch a date with Engelbert.
Keep those letters coming.

[Vicki on PA] Ladies,
don't forget the pajama party
in the Acapulco Lounge tonight.

Prizes will be awarded
for looking your bedtime best,

and since no men will be there,

prizes will also be awarded

for looking your bedtime worst.

[applause]

How about these outfits,
ladies, huh?

[cheering]

[playful booing]

Oh, boo, boo, boo yourself!
And number three?

Right.

Are you married?

Yes.

Let me ask you,

what did your husband say
the first time he saw you
in this nightie?

[laughs]
"What are you wearing that for?
I thought we were going to bed."

[all laughing]

What are we doing here, Harry?

I gotta keep an eye
on Jane.

Don't worry,
nobody's gonna spot us.

You're a shoo-in for
the most outrageous
"going to bed" prize.

My apologies.
You'd come in second.

I may be crazy,
but there's something
about that woman I like.

Yeah, I know what you mean.
You marry a woman like that,

you never have to worry about
anybody trying to steal her.

Let's have a drink.

Let's have two.

Okay, thanks.

The radio room
has your call through.

Now, when you speak
to Emily,

I want you to lay on real thick
how miserable Doc is, all right?

Me? You have a better
phone voice than I do.

Yeah, but you're
better looking than I am.

Hi, Emily. It's Gopher.

Doc's friend.

[upbeat music
playing on speakers]

Oh, hi. That Gopher.

[music stops]

How are you?

Fine.

Emily, listen,
I wanna talk to you

about something
very serious.

Doc is really
down in the dumps.

[chuckles]
Well, if he is, there must be
a woman down there with him.

No, no, this is important.
Doc is really miserable.

I think maybe the best thing
for you to do

would be to fly up to Alaska,
meet the ship and surprise Doc.

-I would, except for one thing.
-What's that?

Doc.

Well, what did she say?

Well, let me put it this way.
You think it's too late
to reverse the charges?

You are, uh, married?

Yes.

Now, let me ask you this.

Has your husband ever seen you
in this outfit at bedtime?

[sighs] Only when I stand
in front of the television set.

You're a lucky lady.

Thank you.

Jane looks really great
in those pajamas,
doesn't she, Harry?

Yeah. I wonder where
they're going to end up.

See, Diane. We can
have fun without men.

You're right.

Let's go find Gopher and Ace
and tell them what
a great time we're having.

Now, come on, let's hear it
for all the ladies.

You've all been terrific sports.

And you're gonna
get your prizes later.

But for now,
I think you'd better

put something on
before you get pneumonia.

Jane, this "ladies only" cruise
is a tremendous idea.

Everybody seems
to be having a great time.

Hmm.

Aren't you?

I was...

Maybe you miss
your husband.

Well, when you've been
married for a while,

it seems your husband is
with you wherever you go.

Oh, you mean in your heart.

No. In my bathrobe.

Come on.

Okay,
let's have some dancing!

How are we gonna
dance with no men?

Buy yourself
a pair of tap shoes.

Think not.

You don't wanna dance?
Okay.

Say, Bernice,
how about a conga line?

A conga line?
You've got to be kidding.

Okay, everybody!
I've got a great idea.

We are going
to have a conga!

[conga music playing]

Okay, Polly Mae.
Up, up, up, up! Let's go.

Shake your fannies off, girls.

One, two, three.

That's it.

[laughter]

That's it. Move that.
Move that fanny. Let's go.

Good!

Come on. Swing that hip.
All right.

Swing that hip,
swing that hip, swing that hip.

[Ace and women laughing]

And so anyway,
the little baby Eskimo says,

"Mommy, are you sure
I'm not adopted? I'm freezing!"

Hey, Doc, what's the matter?
Don't you get that?

Yeah, I got it, it's funny.

You'll have to excuse Doc.

He's usually the life
of the party,

but tonight,
he's a little depressed.

His girlfriend left him.

You poor baby.

Well, I wouldn't
worry about it quite that much.

Doc's probably gonna be fine.

Yeah.

Well, of course he will.

All he needs is a shoulder to
cry on and a sympathetic ear.

Oh, you're very kind.

Come on.

Let's go for a walk,
and you can tell me
all about it.

Wait a minute, wait a minute!
What about me? My girlfriend
just left me too.

What girlfriend? When?

Just now.

Excuse me.

Boy, Isaac,
you should've seen
some of those ladies.

If you had, you'd never
get married. Hi, Gopher.

Hey, Goph, having
a pretty good night, huh?

Well, I did,
but I'm gonna turn in.
Good night.

Good night.

It hasn't been
a good night for me.

Oh, Judy, thanks again
for being so nice
to the passengers.

-Sure!
-Yeah, particularly since
Bernice insulted half of them.

Yeah, I guess she's gonna
insult the other half tomorrow.

Boy, if she goes ashore
in Alaska, by the time we sail,

we'll be back
to 49 states.

-I'm gonna tell the captain.
-Hey, no, no, no. Just sit.

Why don't you guys
give her a chance?

You know, maybe get to
know her a little better?

[Stubing]
Well, well, well.

I thought this was
the Purser's Lobby,
not the Crew Lounge.

Sorry, sir.

If you decide
to make a night of it,

I'll send some pillows
and blankets.

I know why you're
all huddled together.

I've seen this look before.

It's the "how are we going
to get rid of Bernice?" look.

Now, Bernice...

Cool it, smiles.

Do you know what
this look is?

It's my "you don't have
a chance in hell" look.

[Stubing on PA]
Ladies, we are now traveling

through Alaska's
majestic inland passage

on the way to Ketchikan.

Keep a sharp lookout
for Indian villages,

unspoiled inlets
and virgin timber
along the way.

[geese squawking]

I hate drinking beer
out of a coffee cup.

Looking for
the beauty parlor?

No.

Think about it.

Hey! That lady's got
a great sense of humor,
Harry.

You know, I've really
got eyes for her.

You ought to get
your eyes examined.

Boy, what a beautiful sight!

Yeah, beautiful.
She really turns me on.

Gopher,
it's your own fault Bonnie
ran off with Doc last night.

You were the one that
invited him along.

Hi, guys.

Oh, hi, Isaac.

Hey, Goph,
what's the matter?

I don't want
to discuss it.

Hey, Goph, who's been
your best friend
all these years?

Who's the one person
who's been through all
the rough times with you?

Who's the one guy you know
you can always depend upon?

Okay, I'm mad at Doc.
He stole my girl.

Leave me out of it.

Hi, handsome.

Hi, Diane.

What was that for.

Yeah, what was that for?

Well, I just kept thinking
about you all night,

how generous you were
sacrificing yourself
for your friend, Doc.

[Gopher] Oh, well, Diane,

I just did what any other
incredibly thoughtful,
sensitive guy would do.

Yeah, I would have done
the same thing myself.

You know, if there's
one thing I admire in a man,
it's generosity.

Well, in the words
of a great patriot,

"I regret that I have
but one woman to give
to my buddy."

Gopher, you are quite a man.

Diane, when we get
to Ketchikan,

we are going to have
the time of our lives.

Oh, that's a wonderful idea.
Just the three of us.

-Hello, ladies.
-Hello...

Oh, Merrill!

-Ah, good afternoon,
Jane. Hi.
-Hi.

Merrill, I know your time
must be in great demand,

but I wish you'd join me
for a drink tonight
and some conversation.

-It would be my pleasure.
-Thank you.

You know, I'd love to show you
Ketchikan after we dock.

Terrific. I'd like that.

-Good! Enjoy your meal.
-I will.

Well, I guess
I won't be needing
a nap today.

I expect to be in bed
very early tonight.

Are you lucky, Harry!
She didn't even know you.

[wheezing laugh]

[Stubing on PA]
Ladies, welcome to Ketchikan,
Alaska's southernmost city.

This quaint, boardwalk town,
built on poles,

is famous as
the "Salmon Capital
of the World."

Don't miss the picturesque
waterfront section
of famous Totem Park,

which boasts the world's largest
collection of totem poles.

Have a wonderful day.

Well, if it isn't my "buddy"
who's stealing Diane
away from me.

-Where is she?
-Oh, she'll be right back.

She just sashayed up
to her cabin to touch up
her lipstick.

-Gopher, is there a rule
against punching a purser?
-Yes.

-There is?
-I just made it up.

Emily!

-Gopher, Ace.
-Emily.

Thanks for the call.
You reached out
and touched someone.

-You know, I thought you said
you weren't coming.
-I did.

But after thinking about it,

I realized I wasn't
being fair to Adam.

Anyway, I always wanted
to see Alaska.

Great. Well, I'll just
go tell Doc you're here then.

-No, I'd rather surprise him.
-Okay.

Gopher, I just saw Bonnie go
into Doc's cabin after lunch.

-We've gotta stop Emily now.
-Right.

-Right. What?
-Wait!

-You stop her.
I'll wait here for Diane.
-Right.

Oh, Bonnie, thank you
for helping me through
this rough time.

-You're a very
understanding woman.
-I'll be back.

My prescription calls
for the same medication
every four hours.

[Stubing]
I'm sure you're
going to enjoy Ketchikan.

Merrill. I can't think of
a better man to show me around.

Why, thank you. But first,
there's a wonderful little place
I want to take you to.

-Oh?
-To pick up a map.
I've only been here twice.

After he picks up a map,
he's probably going to show her

a breathtaking view of a motel.

-Come on, let's follow them.
-No way, Harry.

It's one thing running around
the ship dressed like this.
In town, you can get arrested.

-[Gopher] Emily!
-[Ace] Emily!

You know what? I just remembered
that Doc is not in his cabin.

-He's-- He's, uh...
-He's on the bridge.

-Bridge.
-Yeah, I just saw him
up there all by himself

and I have never
seen him so sad.

Well, I'll wipe that sad look
off his face in no time.

Great, come on.

No, listen, as long as we're
this close to his cabin,
let's check.

-Oh... [chuckles nervously]
-I hope he's there.

I can't wait to see the look
on his face when he sees me.

Neither can we.

I was hoping
you'd come back, Bonnie--

-Bonnie Emily!
-Bonnie Emily?

Sure, my Bonnie flew
over the ocean to see me!

And coming in
for a happy landing.

[mouths] What?

[Gopher on PA]
Ladies, you can still enjoy
the beautiful Alaskan scenery

because this time of year,
it stays light
well into the evening.

And remember,
when we get to Juneau,

Engelbert Humperdinck
will be joining us
to light up your night.

You still have time
to win that date.

Hard to believe
it's 10:00 at night.

Bernice, you look
as fresh and beautiful
as you did this morning.

Do I know you?

Ralph. Ralph Dooley.
Chief engineer.

Engineer, huh?

So how come you're wearing
a medical insignia?

Sick of engineering.

Oh, wow, it's nice to see
that somebody around here
has a sense of humor.

Mm-hmm. Um...

Do you believe in
love at first sight?

Not with the sight
that I'm looking at.

Stay in touch.

[Stubing on PA] Ladies,
we are continuing our journey

through Alaska's
extraordinary inland waterway,

en route to
our next destination:
magnificent Glacier Bay.

Don't miss the breathtaking
fjords, the snow-capped peaks

and the inspiring sight
of a soaring eagle.

Okay, Jumping rope
is very good for your legs,

your lungs, your heart...

-and showing off.
-[women laugh]

Okay, that's all for today,
ladies. Thank you very much.

Let me get you a drink.
What would you like, darling?

Oh, anything. Anything
but you and me on the rocks.

Drink up.

Hi, Doc.
Where have you been hiding?

It's time to resume
your heart mending
treatments.

Bonnie, you and I have to
have a little talk.

Action speaks
louder than words.

You know, Isaac, I'm glad
I'm back on the cruise.

I was wrong
not to trust Adam.

Well, if you can't trust
your doctor, who can you trust?

Here you go.

Well, it's nice to have
a doctor always on call.

I'll be back in four hours
for your next treatment.

I cannot leave you alone
for a minute.

-Emily--
-You're hopeless!

-It's not what you think.
-I think it's lipstick.

Let's see if it's waterproof.

Oh, Emily...

Oh, that was so nice of you
to arrange for me to call home.
I was so upset.

I know. You were so worried
about your dog, I thought
it was kind of an emergency.

Well, that cruise director
wouldn't pay any attention
to me. She was so rude.

Do you know, I think I'm going
to report her to the captain.

No, don't do that.
She's not really rude.
She has migraines.

She has migraines too.
So does my dachshund.

But I'd love to tell him
how sweet you were to me.
What is your name?

-My name?
-Mm-hmm.

Bernice.
I'm a cruise director too.

So, if you do talk to
the captain, you tell him
Bernice helped you.

I'm certainly gonna do that.
And thank you so much again.

-You're welcome.
-Bye-bye.

[chuckles] This has been
a marvelous day.

They've all been marvelous days,
Merrill, since I met you.

The lunches in town,
the sightseeing tours
of the city.

And here we are,
still together.

-I hope I haven't tired you out.
-Oh, on the contrary, my dear.

I am filled
with wild abandon tonight.

-What did she say?
-She said she feels
wild and abandoned.

You're
a very attractive man,
Merrill.

Very... desirable.

Why, uh, thank you.
Thank you very much, Jane.

You're a nice person
yourself.

What did they say?

She said he's attractive
and desirable.

He likes her too.

-That's it.
-Wait. She's getting
to the good part.

Mrs. Fletcher,
you're a married woman.

[Jane] Mm, Merrill,

where I come from, people
never lock their doors,

not even at night.

-She said...
-That, I heard.

Oh, my. It's later than
I thought. I have to get
to my bridge.

Oh, I love a man
who's in control.
I'll walk with you.

-That dirty...
-Take it easy.

What can they do on the bridge?
It's pitch dark up there.

[Stubing on PA] Ladies,
we are now cruising through
Alaska's famous Glacier Bay,

one of the most spectacular
sights in the world.

On both sides of the bay
are the St. Elias Mountains

from which mammoth glaciers
20 stories high

shed sheets of ice
into deep frigid fjords.

You know, Bernice,
the whole crew thinks
you don't like them.

Especially Vicki.
She's very upset.

Vicki, the captain's brat?
Little Miss Sweet? I like her.

[scoffs] If you like somebody,
why don't you tell them?

If you tell somebody
that you like them,

then every single day
for the rest of your life,

you have to get up
and tell him or her again.

It's exhausting.

-Well, why don't you
at least try to be nice?
-Okay, I'll try.

Excuse me, hi. Do you know
how to get to the Fiesta Deck?

Yes, I do.
But thanks for asking.

You can take that passageway
to your left, take the elevator
down one deck.

Thank you so much.
You know, you could take
a few lessons from her.

You did it again.
Old Judy Good Deed.

I did what again?

You know, I'm on to you. Mm-hmm.

You are after my job.

Bernice, that is
absolutely ridiculous.

I have a job of my own
to go home to.

-Oh, really?
-Yeah.

Well, I'll tell you,
Miss Big Smile,

just to make sure that
this is no double cross,

I am going to the captain
and get you off my back.

Bernice...

The bridge is that way.

Judy, the next time you smile,
I hope your teeth explode.

Captain Stubing!

-Bernice, come in.
-Sir...

Will you take care
of this for me, please?

Sir, I'd like
to talk to you.

Oh, that reminds me.
I've been meaning
to talk to you.

I had a phone call from
one of our passengers,
a Mrs. Carter.

She was very grateful that
you helped her with her dog.

-Dog?
-Yes, her sick dog.

Remember? You placed a call
to her home?

Oh, that dog. [laughs]

Well, when you've called
as many dogs as I have,

all the barks and howls
begin to sound the same.

[chuckles] Well, anyway,
she was very appreciative.

So, uh, what do you want
to talk to me about?

Talk to you about?

Oh, uh, I was wondering,
when we get back,

if I could have a day off
to go see the lady's dog.

I like to always put
a face to the voice
at the other end of the line.

[barks]

[Gopher on PA]
Two hundred years ago,
when Captain Vancouver

first charted these waters,
this bay didn't exist.

Since that time,
the ice front has retreated
more than 50 miles

and tall spruce and hemlock
forests have taken root.

Breathe that crisp fresh air.
Feast your eyes.

It looks like the world
when it was new.

[Doc] Emily.

Look, Adam,
there's nothing to talk about.

I really don't want
to give up on us, Emily.

We have good times
together, don't we?

-We did.
-We still can.

Let's face it,
relationships are 50-50.

You wouldn't be here
if you didn't want to be.

Of course I'm here
because I want to be.

But I'm not sure
this relationship is 50-50.

Can't we go someplace
to discuss this?

Sure, we can discuss it,
uh... in my cabin.

-Adam...
-Just discuss.

All right. Just discuss.

I sure hope Doc and Emily
have worked things out.

Doc? Emily? I told you.
I'm staying out of this.

Hey, it's good to see
you two together again.

Well, not quite together.

I'm sure everything's
going to work out just fine.

-Surprise!
-Oh, Emily...

-You like this surprise?
-No!

I've got a better one!

You mean I fell for
that old "my girlfriend
left me" routine?

Ow! What did you do that for?

You're the one that
told me she left him.

Ow! What was that for?

For having
such crummy friends!

I'm really glad
I stayed out of this.

You know, it's good to have
a McCoy on the ship again,

even though she's not
our cruise director.

Well, you've got
a very good replacement
in Bernice.

Yes. In fact, a passenger
told me that Bernice helped her
call home about a dog.

Now wasn't that
a sweet thing
for her to do?

Yes. But obviously,
the passenger was confused.

Because when I spoke
to her a second time
and she described Bernice,

Bernice sounded like
the image of you.

Well, when we worked together,
people couldn't tell us apart.

And I'm sure she would have
helped if she'd had the chance.

I am not saying another word
without my attorney.

Or somebody's attorney.

If we could just sit
those three women down
for two seconds,

-I know we could straighten
this whole thing out.
-Doc, hold it.

First of all,
they won't answer
their door.

Second of all,
they won't even
answer the phone.

Is kidnapping
still a federal offense?

Hey, guys...

-It was a pretty good party.
-Too good. I could sure use
a steam.

Anybody feel like
sweating off a few pounds?

-Oh, Captain...
-Mrs. Fletcher.

I'd like to stop,
but duty calls. Excuse me.

Captain, please.

I owe you an apology
from the other night.

I was way out of line,
but there is an explanation.

None needed, I'm sure.

Believe me,
it won't happen again.

Yes, well, uh,
I must be going...

Then I'll see you tonight,
darling.

It's none of my business, dear,
but I hope you're not getting
involved with Captain Stubing.

I hear he's a very big chaser.

He's after every woman
on the ship.

Who cares?
As long as I'm one of them.

That's shameless!
Shameless!

I know! While I'm in Alaska
keeping warm with the captain,

my dumb husband is at home
eating frozen dinners.

-Can you keep a secret?
-Of course.

The captain came
to my cabin last night.

[spluttering] What happened?

I'd love to fill you in
on all the lurid details,

but I'm on my way
to the steam bath.
See you later.

Ta-ta.

Ow.

Emily,
I've gotta talk to you.

Adam,
what are you doing in here?

You've got to believe me.
I'm not a womanizer.

[scoffs] You would say that
to me, in here?

[Gopher]
Bonnie, Bonnie, listen...

[gasps] I knew you were weird,
but this is depraved.

-Uh, Diane...
-What do you want?

I just came in
for a steam.

-Oh, hi!
-Hi.

So, tell me, dear,

what went on with you
and the captain?

Oh! It was beyond
my expectations.

He is a wonderful lover!

First, he kissed me gently
on the neck and ear lobes...

Kissed your neck and ear lobes?

And then he took me in his arms

and gave me
a deep, full kiss.

A big, full, deep kiss?

I'll kill him! I'll kill him!

-Harry!
-Yeah, Harry.
Fooled you, didn't I?

-You remember Ralph.
-Check, please.

There's a man
in the steam room!

-[in high-pitched voice]
A man?
-[gasping] Where?

-It's not me!
-Let's get 'em, girls!

[all clamoring]

You're out of uniform,
Officer. Ralph!

Get back in here!

I know
that you're an officer.

Let's hope you're not
a gentleman.

I'm not even an officer.

[Gopher] Ladies, shortly
we'll be anchoring in Juneau,

Alaska's capital city, situated
at the base of Mount Juneau.

We're sure you'll enjoy
exploring this exciting city,

where civilization
is surrounded by
nature's wilderness.

And don't forget,
now is your last chance

to enter the "win a date
with Engelbert" contest.

[traditional Russian
music playing]

Hi.

Can't we talk this out?

Every time I get over
the feeling that
all men are rotten,

somebody comes along
and proves it to me again.

I know you're upset
with me. I'm sorry.

It's a little late
for "sorry," Adam.

Emily, look,
I'm not apologizing.

I'm sorry you're hurting,
but I'm not sorry
for being who I am.

I'm a man who loves women.

A man who lies to women.

No, I never said a word to you
that I didn't mean sincerely.

Oh, I don't know, maybe
I fall in love too easily,

but when I think of
all the poor people out there

who are too afraid
to ever fall in love,

I realized I wouldn't change,
even if I could.

That's what I
wanted to tell you...

and that I care.

You care, Adam?

I care, Emily.

Well, I hope you find
what you're looking for.

[Vicki on PA] Ladies,
the moment you've been
waiting for is here.

Meet us in the Acapulco Lounge,

where it's
Engelbert Humperdinck night!

[band playing soft jazz]

It was a stupid thing
to do, I admit it.

I guess I just don't think
I'm good enough for you.

Oh, Harry,
you're not only good enough,
you're the best.

You're kind and caring,
warm, loving.

And you're
a very good-looking man.

You do make an ugly woman.

Well, I hear that you tried
to pull one off for me.

Thanks.

Well, I did try.

You're going to ruin
my image, kid.

I may have to trip a couple
of old ladies in your name.

-You know why I think
we've always been friends?
-Why?

Because I'm the "smile"
you never had.

Adam...

Ever since I've known you,
I've been fighting with you.

Well, at least
we're worthy opponents.

Funny, I think of us
as being on the same side.

But you have to be
who you are, and I
have to be who I am.

Shake?

Kiss?

-Hello.
-Hi, girls.

-Hello.
-What do you say we get
back together again also?

Well, all right,
but I have to warn you,

I wrote a terrific
letter to Engelbert.

-Want to make it unanimous?
-Well...

Yeah, you did look kind of cute
in that bath sheet.

I think I'll stay.

[drumroll]

Thank you, thank you.

Ladies, I know who you're all
waiting for, and it's not me.

So here he is,
the man who flew
all the way to Alaska

because he loves women.

Engelbert Humperdinck!

[cheering, squealing]

Thank you.

Thank you,
and thank you, ladies.

It is indeed a great pleasure
being here with all of you.

You know when I arrived
here this afternoon,

I spent a great deal of time
reading all your letters.

Every one a winner.
All winners.

But with careful consideration,
I chose this particular one...

because it's different.
Let me show it to you.

And now I shall read it to you.

"I want a date with Engelbert
because he deserves it."

[all laughing]

"A chance at
a real woman, like me."

So, the lady that
has been chosen to go
out on the town with me

and be on my latest album cover
is Bernice Bronson.

-[Bernice squeals]
-[crowd applauding]

There she is.

That's right, Engelbert.

There's nothing
you can teach me,
but I can teach you plenty!

I'm sorry, Bernice,
but you're disqualified.

No employee
is allowed to win.

Okay, then I quit.

If you think that I'm going
to pass up a chance

to have a date
with Engelbert Humperdinck,

Captain, you can take
your job and...

Ladies,
Mr. Engelbert Humperdinck!

♪ Oh, what a tangled web
We weave ♪

♪ When we practice
To deceive ♪

♪ We play our games
And tell our lies ♪

♪ And synchronize
Our alibis ♪

♪ They say forbidden fruit
Tastes sweeter ♪

♪ It's precious and so rare ♪

♪ It's heaven
When you taste it ♪

♪ And it's hell
When it's not there ♪

♪ I don't see you
When I want you ♪

♪ You only see me
When you can ♪

♪ 'Cause you're
The other woman ♪

♪ And I'm the other man ♪

♪ It's paradise ♪

♪ But we pay the price ♪

♪ 'Cause ecstasy ♪

♪ Never comes free ♪

♪ I don't see you
When I want you ♪

♪ You only see me
When you can ♪

♪ 'Cause you're
The other woman ♪

♪ And I'm the other man ♪

[Gopher on PA]
Ladies, we are now
leaving Juneau, Alaska.

It's going to be a fantastic
night on the Pacific Princess,

and when you look up
and see the brightest star,

that will be
Engelbert Humperdinck
flying home.

That was some kiss
you gave Engelbert.

Well, he flew all the way up
to Juneau just to see us.

I didn't want him
to go home empty lipped.

Are you jealous?

-A little.
-How little?

If he were here right now,
I'd tear off his mustache.

Bernice, would you like
to get married?

Sure, but Engelbert
didn't ask me.

I mean to me.

Why do you think
I walked you over to the rail?

Because if you
hadn't proposed, darling,

I was gonna push you
over the side.

-I'm worried.
-Why, do you think Bernice
was serious about quitting?

-Oh, don't worry, she'll stay.
-That's what I'm worried about.

Good. Just the people
I want to see. Come in.

Well, good night.
I'll see you tomorrow.

That's all right, Judy,
you can come in too.

I'm sure you all know
there were two men on
this cruise posing as women.

I have some bad news
for all of you.

Bernice has fallen in love
with one of those men.

Oh, that poor little guy.

And she has definitely
decided to leave our crew.

So, what's the bad news?

Judy, you were once
a cruise director, right?

-Right.
-Well, she taught Julie.

Well, since you taught
Julie so well,

and because we all
love her so much,

I was wondering if there
might be a chance...

Oh, that's
a great idea, Merrill.

...that you might
recommend someone to us.

Oh, well, uh, just off hand,
sir, I can't think of anyone.

Well, why don't you
recommend yourself?

Yeah, you're
the best person for the job.

-Yeah.
-Now why didn't
I think of that?

Well, If anyone gets around
to asking the question,
the answer is "yes."

[all cheering]

Goodbye, Jane.
It was nice meeting you,

although I wasn't
too sure for a while.

Be careful, Merrill.
You're a good catch.

And keep your mitts
off my wife.

-Goodbye.
-And remember, we're all
getting together next weekend.

-Right.
-Right. It'll be
my first triple date.

Now what should we do?

Well, why don't
you guys decide?

Oh, I know, right around
the corner from my apartment,

-there's a great
little steam bath...
-Gopher!

On second thought,
we'll pick the place.

-Take care. Bye.
-Bye.

-Bye.
-Bye.

-Bye, Emily.
-Bye, Diane.

Bernice, I know your date with
Engelbert will be memorable.

Well, tell him that.
He's the one who lucked out.

Vicki.

Now that I'm leaving,
I can tell you that
I really like you.

[Vicki] Oh, thank you.

But don't let it
go to your head.

I suppose you want me to
tell you how I feel about you.

Yes, but not now.

Send me a postcard,
25 words or less.

-You got it.
-All right. Bye-bye.

So long, Bernice.
You are one of a kind.

Good luck, kid.
And if you need any pointers,
you give me a call.

[humming Engelbert's song]

[chattering]

You know, Judy,
this is the first time
I've ever said these words

at the end of a cruise
instead of at the beginning:

"Welcome aboard!"

[theme music playing]