All language subtitles for Ricky.Stanicky.2024.1080p.WEBRip.x264.AAC5.1-[YTS.MX]

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[upbeat music]

What are you?
A dog or a cow?

I'm a dog, but not just a dog.

I'm a dog with a boner.
Check it out!

[pen clicking]

[boys laughing]

Well, there it is.
Is the poop ready?

That's a roger on the poop.

Oh, holy crap,
how big was that dog?

Small, but there was
seven of them.

[dog barking in distance]

I'll give you three reasons
why this is a bad idea.

One, cops. Two, dogs.

Three, NRA front door.

[JT] Quit worrying, Dean.
These people deserve it.

They never give out candy.

Yeah, but remember last time
we pulled something like this?

Dean got his arm broke.

That's because he ran off alone
and fell in a ditch.

If he just sticks with us,
he'll be fine.

Come on! Let's do this.

[whispering] Okay...

[upbeat music]

[lighter clicking]

- [doorbell chimes]
- Go!

[boys chuckling]

[Dean] Ahh, uh-oh...

It's getting kinda big-ish.

[fire sizzling]

- Come on!
- Quick!

[crashing]

[boys grunting]

No!

[splattering]

[coughing and groaning]

[JT] Doo-doo in mouth!
Doo-doo in mouth!

Let's get out of here!

We can't -
there's people in there!

[banging]

[Dean] Don't shoot!
Don't shoot!

The scarecrow set
your house on fire.

No one's home.
We gotta call 911!

Dude! You're seriously
overreacting.

[kids screaming]

Call 911!

Hey, look!
They do give out candy.

[fire alarm beeping]

We're so dead!

Oh, my God!
My father's going to kill me.

Come on, let's go.
Let's get out of here.

Wait! Wait a second,
I got an idea.

- Who's got a pen?
- Use Wes's dick!

Quick! Give me a first name.

Zeus!

A kid's name!

- Ricky!
- Okay.

[Dean] Now a last name.

I got it! Stanton.

Wait, no! What?
That's my last name.

So? Your first name's
not Ricky.

[exasperated groan]

- Come on.
- Come on.

Go!

[siren approaching]

- [water spraying]
- [fire crew chattering]

Check this out.

Numb-nuts kid caught his jacket
on fire during his prank.

Here's the best part.

His mommy
wrote his name on the collar.

[fireman] 'Ricky Stanicky'?

[laughing] Dumb shit.

Bad news, Chief.
Just heard back.

No Stanickys
in the school district.

Kid must be from out of town.

Shit.

I can't believe
that actually worked.

Guys, I think we just
made a friend for life.

[all chuckle]

["Oil" by Gorillaz plays]

[mutters angrily]

[steam blasting]

[arrows pinging]

[bees buzzing]

[children screaming]

[mower accelerating]

♪ Then I put my codes ♪

♪ In the machine ♪

♪ But the world I found ♪

♪ Was made of faulty dreams ♪

♪ Of faulty dreams ♪

♪ Fairy-like companions ♪

♪ To the dark maths
That catapult ♪

♪ Us into imagined worlds ♪

♪ Seems a mockery remote ♪

[man on TV]
Want to grab a quick drink?

Why would you
have a quick drink...

[phone chimes]

[man on TV] ...when you
can have the long drink?

In Finland,
the happiest country on Earth,

we invented the long drink...

That's it for the beer
in the garage.

Do we need to run out
and get more?

No. That's perfect.

You sure?

- Yeah. The place looks amazing.
- Yeah?

Maybe this would be
a good side hustle for us.

[laughs]

Erin and Dean's baby showers.

- I like it.
- Yeah.

And that's when
Gilbert Gines realized

that the answer
to gang violence

may be found in the spit-valve
of a well-worn trumpet.

What is this?

Uh, it's a show called
'Hero of the Week'.

It's about everyday people
who do these incredible things.

My producer at Channel 6
wants me to submit for it.

He says he has
a good contact there.

Well, what are you waiting for?

Well, if I want MFMBC
to notice me,

what I need are
better assignments,

but all I get are these
babies-who-Tweet stories.

Mm!

Speaking of babies,

can you please hang these
pictures up for me, over there.

It's JT and Susan's
baby pictures.

Jesus, God! Was JT
born with adult teeth?

Oh, come on, his teeth
are cute. Look at that.

Cute? He looks like
hillbilly Hitler.

[Erin chuckles]

- You think all babies are cute.
- All babies are cute.

Yeah, sure.

And the remotes are
sticky for like 20 years.

Well, there are good things

about having kids too,
you know.

- Really?
- Yeah.

I don't remember my parents
feeling that way.

You don't think your parents
enjoyed having kids?

It doesn't matter.
What we have is way better.

It's what we always
talked about.

Hmm.

I love you.

You love me.

- We love Paul.
- Hmm.

- And we don't need anyone else.
- [door opens]

Oh, my God!
JT, leave me alone!

It is my baby shower, I'm going
to have one drink. One!

Dr. Kurihara said
it is perfectly fine. Hello.

Dr. Kurihara is part of
the medical industrial complex,

and Midwife Maggie said
you're on a strict vegan diet

and absolutely no alcohol.

Okay, well you are not Midwife
Maggie, you are my husband.

Yeah, I know,
but I'm also Daddy Doula.

- That's my job.
- You gotta stop saying that.

You're going to make
the baby throw up.

They can't... Can they
throw up inside of there?

Wait, JT's your doula?

Yeah, he also wants to be naked
when the baby is born.

- Don't you?
- I don't want to be naked.

I just want my shirt off, okay,

for the first embrace,
skin to skin.

- It's a bonding thing.
- [cell phone ringing]

- Good.
- Hey, you better get that.

That's the fourth time Ricky
called in, like, 20 minutes.

Yeah, see what he wants, man.

He's been blowing me up
all day.

- Really?
- [JT] Yeah.

All right.

Stanicky! What up, man?
How's it going?

[Erin] I'm going to get you
a tea, not wine, don't drink.

Yeah, hey I'm in the middle of
something right now. I just...

Are you serious?

Uh-huh. Okay.

Well, just do me a favor
and have someone call me

when you get out
of surgery, all right?

So you're all alone?

Shit, man, that sucks.

All right, hang in there.

We'll all be sending you
positive vibes

from over here, buddy.

Love you too, man.

What's going on?
What did he say?

It's back.

What's back?

- The cancer.
- Oh, God.

I thought he was
out of the woods.

[Susan] Poor guy.

Are they going to
have to remove the...

...other testicle?

And can they even do that?

I thought you needed
at least one to live.

What? No!
That's kidneys, dumbo.

Where is he?

He's in a hospital in Albany.

Albany? Why is he in Albany?

He flew in from Nairobi
to meet with some non-profits

and he had an attack.

They're gonna
open him up tonight.

Dean, you should
drive out there.

The poor guy's all alone.

I can't go tonight.
What about the baby shower?

And Summerhayes
is going to be here.

What? You're worried
about your boss?

Come on, he's just business.

Ricky's been there for you guys
your whole lives.

Dude, just go.
I've got Summerhayes covered.

What? No, no, no, no.

You should call him

and tell him you have
a family emergency.

You should go with Dean.

Are you serious? Babe,
we can't both bail on the boss.

Yes! Yes, you can.

I mean, he'll probably
be relieved

that he doesn't have to
go to a baby shower.

Well, looks like
we're going to Albany.

You were right, man -

the Summerhayes thing
totally put it over the top.

The Devil's in the details,
my friend.

What the hell
took y'all so long?

- The flight leaves in an hour.
- Oh, sorry.

We were doing all the work

executing our brilliant
last-minute plan.

Who made the Stanicky calls?

Who cares who did what, Wes?
The point is it worked.

We got out of a baby shower,

and we got tickets
to Marc-fucking-Rebillet!

- [grunts excitedly]
- Whoo!

- How'd you score those babies?
- Yeah, this guy we work with

broke one of his ankles
last night.

He fell out of a tree trying
to get his kid's balloon.

- Poor guy.
- So we got his tickets.

Goddamn, y'all so lucky, man!

This kind of shit
happens to you all the time.

Hey! Good things happen
to good people.

That's right.
Atlantic City, here we come.

Let's tear New Jersey
a new armpit!

Whoa!

[JT] It's not the same
but it feels just as good.

I mean, you just have to have
sex on the side like a walrus.

[Wes] Won't that dent
the baby's head?

I had a friend named Liam, and
his head got all dick-dented.

I think maybe his mother
had a short vagina.

[sighing] Just looking out
for baby Whitaker.

So you still going with
Whitaker, huh?

We are!
It's a family name. All right?

- Oh, that's nice.
- [JT] Yeah, thank you.

You guys know the rules.

Phones off,
so we don't get tracked.

- Mm-hm.
- Yep.

- All right. Wes.
- I'm Wes.

- Bible!
- Ooh.

[Wes] All right...

What we got?

- Ricky's cancer's back.
- Oh, no.

[Dean] Emergency surgery
in Albany.

[Wes] Oh, that's terrible.
Emergency surgery...

Hey, why does it
have to be cancer?

Like, won't everybody
get worried?

That mean I gotta
do chemo again?

Yeah, and that's going to take
us right into the World Series.

- Ahh.
- Boom!

All right, one final bit
of business before we land.

Stanicky phone. Let's get this
Instagram out of the way.

There we go.

-"Life is precious."
- It is.

-"And so is friendship."
- Hmm.

"Thanks to my boys
for being here for me."

Good.

All right, are we done?
Is it get drunk time?

- Yeah.
- A toast!

To Ricky Stanicky.

[Wes and JT] To Ricky Stanicky.

The best friend we never had.

Yoo!

["Your New Morning Alarm"
by Marc Rebillet plays]

[crowd cheering]

♪ Get the fuck out of bed
Bitch, go! ♪

- [crowd cheering]
- [loud techno music blares]

♪ Get up, get up!
You gotta go, gah! ♪

♪ Wake up, time to wake up
Bitch, get up! ♪

- [explosions]
- [crowd cheering]

[loud techno music blares]

[crowd cheering and whooping]

- [music ends]
- [Dean] Woo-hoo-hoo!

God, that was good!
That was amazing!

- Thank you, Ricky Stanicky.
- The fucking Loop Daddy!

Unbelievable, dude.

It makes all that guilt
I'm feeling totally worthwhile.

Why do we even
have to feel guilt?

We could have just told them.

You know, and cut out
that whole angst part.

No, because
the Rebillet tickets

fell into our lap this morning,

and the girls have had the baby
shower planned for weeks.

Yeah.
Yeah, but they're strong women.

I'm sure
they would've gotten over

us skipping one little party.

It's not one little party.
It's my baby shower.

[Wes] Oh, a Jack and Coke.

I'll have a Dos Equis, please.
Hoo!

Do you have, uh...
do you have organic vodka?

Just any vodka, it's all...

- Anything.
- Thank you.

Speaking of vodka,
I'll take a Belvedere, neat,

and a plate of
your crispiest calamari.

No, no, Rod. No! Bad!

You keep freeloading
off the customers

and you're out of here.

[chuckling] He loves
giving me the business.

Just to be clear,
I'm anything but a freeloader.

Just going to give you guys
a little 'squid pro quo'

for the calamari.

Really? Meaning?

Oh, I do a midnight show
at the Slot Swamp Casino.

I'll get you guys in,
half price.

- What kind of show?
- Ah. Check this out.

Boom!

Oh, shit! Yo!

"Rock Hard Rod -

"South Jersey's premier X-rated
rock'n'roll impersonator".

That's not as crazy
as it sounds.

I mean, most of the songs
are just about masturbation,

and we all do that, right?

[chuckling] Yeah!

Actually, Rod, I don't think
we'll be able to make the show,

but we'll buy you a drink

if you put
your jerk-off hand down.

You drive a hard bargain, sir.

So, you do a bunch of jerk-off
songs to make a living?

[Rod] Yeah, I do a whole act.

Wall-to-wall,
top-to-bottom jizz jams!

You'll be surprised at how much
material lends itself to it.

I mean, 'Beat It',
Michael Jackson.

'Wind Beneath My Wings',
Bette Midler.

- Anything by The Strokes!
- Mm.

Yeah, and I'm the only one
in the world

that's figured it out.

Yeah, it's almost
hard to believe.

Oh, Barry,
my dear friends here

will buy me that drink
after all.

Oh, yeah,
I also do impressions.

You name it, I can do it.
I'm a trained actor, you know.

- I got a good one for you, Rod.
- Yeah?

Why don't you do the guy
that gets the fuck out of here

before I call security?

No, no, no, it's okay.
It's okay.

I think we'd like to see this.

And go ahead
and bring him that drink.

Ha!
And the calamari, Bar-ry!

[chuckling] Dickhead!
Love that guy.

So, who do you guys
want me to do?

You, er, I don't know,
you like Owen Wilson?

- Sure.
- We love Owen Wilson.

- Yeah, that's fine.
- I would love some Owen Wilson.

[mimics Owen Wilson's voice]
Wow!

Where in the history
of our relationship

did you think
I couldn't do an impersonation

of somebody as adorable
as The Big O?

That is an excellent Owen
Wilson. That's a good Owen.

- It's okay.
- Wow.

- [JT] It's not that good.
- Thank you. Oh, er...

- I'm just...
- [Wes] Calamari's here, man.

[slurps noisily]

All right,
an oldie but a goodie.

[smoky woman's voice]
Take a look at this tit, kid.

Probably the last one
you're ever going to see

for the rest of your life.

[little boy's voice]
Don't drink no more, Momma.

You're real mean
when you drink stuff.

[woman's voice] Quit your
bitchin', ya sloppy punk.

You wanna know how
you was hatched?

Your old man
was basting my rump roast

and some of it dribbled
into my woolly burger.

You know what
that makes you?

[laughs] A shit baby!

That's right,
you're nothing but shit,

and you always will be!

Is... is that from
'Downton Abbey'?

That was, er...

just a little skit
from my childhood.

[Dean] Er, yeah...

I think it's time
to hit the tables, boys. Huh?

Right on. Where are we going?

Copper Bonnet's the only place
on the boardwalk

with 50-cent tables.

Not as many hookers,
but they're friendlier -

they don't get weirded out

when you just wanna
brush their hair.

Yeah, Rod, I think we're just
going to stay around here.

Oh, here's great. I'm friends
with the bartender, Barry.

Hey, Hard-on Ronnie,
we are doing our own thing.

We got our thing going on,

and we're probably
just gonna...

leave you.

Okay, I can take a hint.

You guys look at me

and you just see another
scumbag impersonator, right?

Thanks for understanding, man.
You're a good dude.

- What the hell, man?
- What?

You didn't have to be
so mean about it.

What? I wasn't...
What did I do?

What? Was I being an asshole?

Well, you called him
'Hard-on Ronnie'.

It's 'Rock Hard Rod'.

Ohh, right, I'm so sorry.

I didn't know
Weird Al Wankovic

would be so sensitive.

Rod! Hey, Rod!

These are mine.

I just wanted to say sorry for
what happened back there.

My friends...

they just want it to be
some kind of reunion, just us,

but that wasn't cool, so...

Whatever, I get it.
Happens all the time.

You guys come in to AC

with your Toyota Avalons and
your anesthesiologist money.

Strutting around
like a bunch of big shots.

Let me tell you something.

We lost Joan Rivers
and Michael Jackson

because of you fuckers, okay?

None of us are
anesthesiologists.

Not here for the convention?

No.

Hey, I get it, man.

You look at me and see another
asshole sideshow freak, right?

- Not at all.
- I'm more than that.

I'm a damn good actor.

You'll see.

Shit!

Who are they?

Crazy fans
I was trying to avoid.

Anyway, I gotta run.
Hey, take my card.

Remember that name.

I promise it's going to mean
something to you some day.

I would not be surprised.

[slurps noisily]

Oh! Jeez.

[cell phone pinging]

Oh, my God! Yes! Yes!

[JT laughs]

- Give me my money right now!
- JT! JT!

Not now, Dean. I'm on fire!

And for once I'm going to leave
Atlantic City a winner!

Susan's in labor.

[dramatic music]

This was a bad idea.
I knew this was a bad idea.

Don't friggin' do that, man.

You're 'Monday morning
quarterbacking' right now.

Who could've figured she'd go
into labor six weeks early?

Six weeks! My baby's going to
be born six weeks early.

- Is he going to be okay?
- The baby's going to fine.

Babies are born
six weeks early all the time.

I was born six weeks early.

Oh, shit! Go, go, go! Go!

Susan Levine.
What room is she in?

- Levine?
- Yeah, Levine.

Ah, here we are.
She and the baby are in 208.

She had the baby?!

[JT] Oh, baby Whitaker.

This was not the birth plan
I had for you.

I wanted you born on the shores
of Goosewing Beach.

You know what
my birth plan was?

For you to actually be here.

Why isn't he wearing a shirt?

I'm having skin-to-skin
contact with my son, Leona.

It's a proven way of regulating
a newborn baby's temperature,

and it calms him, thank you.

Don't blankets do that?

Oh, he is such a little peanut.

We should call him Shrimpy,
he's such a little peanut.

Please don't call
my grandson 'Shrimpy'.

Shrimps are
the cockroaches of the sea.

6lbs is pretty good for a month
and a half early, right, Mom?

Oh, he's perfect. He's perfect.

I want to know where the hell
you guys were tonight.

We called every hospital
in Albany

and there was no record
of a Ricky Stanicky.

Yeah, and the last thing
you tell me

is you got to go see him
because he's got...

What kind of cancer?

Er... anal.

I thought it was testicular.

It was testicular, but then
it spread to his anus.

Yeah, they had to remove it.

They removed his asshole?

Er... just the outer lip part.

Outer lip part?
What is he, a fucking baboon?

Come on, Wes.
What's going on here?

Where were you?

Okay.

It was a lie.

It's all been a lie.

What's a lie?

The whole Ricky Stanicky thing.

It was, uh...

It's bullshit.

JT, what's he talking about?

Yeah, Dean,
what is he talking about?

He's saying...

Ricky Stanicky lied to us.

Okay? There was no cancer.

When we got to the hospital,
Ricky was standing out front

with a bottle of champagne
and a limo.

Turns out that it was his
five-year anniversary

being cancer free.

So he pretended to have cancer

just so he could celebrate
not having cancer?

I... Yeah.

It's typical Rick.

You know, he's got
such a weird sense of humour.

- [Dean] He does, yep.
- [Erin] Okay...

He was in Albany meeting with
the Give Green Foundation,

and I guess he just wanted
to celebrate with us.

So he pranked us.

The Give Green Foundation?

Yeah. You've heard of them,
Leona. They're wonderful.

Wait, why didn't you call us
and tell us that he was okay?

And why was your phone off
all night?

Oh, baby, it was a whirlwind.

Ricky took us
to a stand-up comedy show

and they didn't
allow cell phones, so...

And after that,
the night turned into a blur.

You know I wanted
to be here for you for this.

I wanted this more
than you did.

Oh, get that baby
off that thing

and give him to his mother.

Oh, that is disgusting!

No. It's dangerous to detach.
Let him suck it out.

[whispers] Yeah. Good boy.

This hippie-dippy crap.

Well, I'm certainly
going to give Ricky an earful

when I see him
at the bris next week.

What's a bris?

It's the circumcision ceremony.

Oh! It sounds like a soup.

You know, I doubt he's going to
be able to be there, sadly.

Why not?

He has work in Nairobi.

No, he doesn't.

Wes is helping him out
with some fundraiser

in Providence
on Saturday night.

[Wes clearing throat]

I remember telling...
[voice breaks] I told you.

Yeah.

Great. Well, the bris is on
Sunday, so he can make it.

Yeah, maybe. Unless he's got to
fly out early on Sunday.

Well, that's ridiculous.

Come on,
if he's in town on Saturday,

why wouldn't he spend an extra
day to meet baby Whitaker?

Yeah, why wouldn't he?

You're absolutely right.
He should stay an extra day.

In fact, I'm going to
make sure of it.

[JT] What the fuck, Dean?

What did you want me
to say, man?

They were all staring at me.

I look at you. You've got baby
Whitaker nursing on you.

Horrible name, by the way.

- I just--
- You panicked.

I panicked?!

What are you talk...?! You're
the one who almost outed us!

And you made plans
with Stanicky!

Ricky Stanicky is not
a one-man show. You know that!

It's a fragile fabric, man.

Ricky Stanicky is only to be
used as a three-man team.

Huh.

So, what about
the golf rounds with Ricky

that JT charged
to your company?

- You weren't there.
- What?

I charged the rounds of golf

because you didn't
have any money.

Seriously, Wes. What
happened in there, man?

Look.

Keith's been on my ass
about finding a job,

and sleeping all day...

and pumicing my foot-skin
over the sink.

What the fuck does this
have to do with Stanicky?

I needed a break!

Keith can be very oppressive.

Sometimes
I feel like I'm living

in a gay 'Handmaid's Tale'.

So I went to a pot farm, where
they make cannabis milk.

You played the Stanicky card
to get pot milk?

You never had milk
like this before.

- No, I haven't.
- It's delicious.

I hope!

They must feed these
lucky cows weed all day,

because when
they milk 'em - boom!

[high-pitched] Dream cream!

What did you just say?

[high-pitched] Dream cream.

Huh!

We're fucked.
We're majorly fucked.

You know, we don't
deserve this shit.

All we did was tell one lie.

Hundreds and hundreds of times
over many, many years.

Hey, maybe they'll forget

that they invited Stanicky
to the bris.

They'll be so busy
with the family and friends,

and cutting of penises.

They're not going to forget
they invited him, Wes.

I got it. My boy Jonesy.

He works for one of
those online obituaries.

We could kill Stanicky off.

I like that.
Let's kill his ass.

Put your hands down, shit nuts.

Obituaries give details.
Friends, family, cemeteries.

Plus then everyone's going to
want to go to the funeral.

Okay, Dean,
your negativity is not helping.

Or, uh, we could go do
my original plan...

... and tell everybody
the truth.

Shut your mouth.
Shut your stupid mouth.

We're not telling the truth.

There'll be no truth told, okay?

We're going to do
the right thing here.

Some would argue
that telling the truth

is the right thing to do.

Yeah - assholes!

Let me remind you guys of
what the truth is, dream cream.

Last night,
when I was in New Jersey

secretly partying my face off
at the Marc Rebillet concert,

my wife was giving birth
to my son.

Alone! Okay?

And if the truth does come out,
my marriage is over.

And later, if my son finds out,
that's over too.

Is that what you want, Wes?

You want to destroy
an entire family, huh? Huh?

- Huh?
- Hey, hey, hey, wait a minute.

What if we hire an actor
to play Stanicky?

We give him the whole run-down.

Tell him everything
he needs to know.

Okay, okay, I like this.
Keep going.

We could give him
the bible, right?

He studies it for a few days,

and then he comes to the bris
for a couple of hours

and he plays Ricky Stanicky.

Okay, but where are we
going to find an actor?

Gary Polisner! He's in
that Red Robin commercial.

- He is?
- Yeah.

He's that dude that goes,
"Seconds on steak fries?

"Uh, yeah!"

- That's Gary?
- That's Gary.

- Good for him!
- Good for him.

I love those commercials.

Guys, minor wrinkle -

Gary's dating Carly,
Erin's cousin.

Oh, Cousin It?

That girl with the hair
that touches the floor?

Yeah, but don't worry.

I know an actor
that nobody knows.

[upbeat music]

["Whip It" by Devo plays]

[whip cracking]

♪ Grab that stick ♪

♪ Lube your hand with spit ♪

♪ Lay down on your back ♪

♪ Now it's time to whack ♪

♪ When a boner comes along
You must grip it ♪

♪ To make the cream
Come out your dong ♪

♪ Just unzip it... ♪

[to tune of "School's Out"]
♪ Spoooge out my penis ♪

♪ Spoooge on my tummy... ♪

[to tune of "White Wedding"]
♪ It's a nice day for some ♪

♪ Wood whackin' ♪

♪ It's a nice day to ♪

♪ Jizz again... ♪

["Baby, I Love Your Way" plays]

♪ Ooh, baby, I masturbate ♪

♪ Every day ♪

♪ I want to tell you
I masturbate every way ♪

♪ Want to beat my meat
Night and day ♪

♪ Ay, yeah... ♪

Thanks for coming out tonight,
ladies and gentlemen.

So horny to be here.
So horny to be here.

["Baby, I love your way"
outro plays]

Great show, Rod.

Good crowd.

Hey, Rod. Those guys
are out there again.

[dramatic music]

[man] Hey, we need
more beer mugs.

[cutlery clanking]

[grunting]

[bottle shattering]

["Where Have All the Cowboys
Gone?" ringtone plays]

Rod Rimestead, trained actor.
How can I help you?

Yeah, Dean, I remember you.

A gig?

Let me... Er, you know what?
Let me just check my schedule.

Yeah, man. Looks like I'm free.

And so our feathered friend

still has not gotten off
the golf ball

that Dr. Dominic DiPasquale
of East Greenwich

hit near this greenside bunker
six days ago.

But you can count on
Channel 6 to be here

until this exciting saga ends.

Or, you can go to Channel6.com
and log onto our live duck-cam.

[dog barks]

Can you believe
I spent three years

in journalism grad school
for this crap?

Are you kidding?
I love this story. It's fun.

Don't patronize me.

Okay. It sucks.
I'm embarrassed for you.

Thank you.

You're really sweet to hang
out with me, though, honestly.

- Are you kidding?
- Thank you.

Who else gets the chance
to watch history unfold?

[chuckles]

Oh, wait.

You know who's looking forward
to meeting Ricky tomorrow?

Yeah, Leona. I know.

Uh-uh. Carly.

Carly with the hair?

Mm-hm, my cousin, yeah.

What happened to Gary Polisner?

Oh, you know,
they're together,

but she follows Ricky
on Instagram.

- Loves his charity work.
- Hmm.

That duck's not going anywhere.

Let's go get some lunch.
Come back in an hour.

I would, but I can't. I'm on
duck duty for four more hours.

Unless she gets up,
I'm stuck here.

Unless she gets up, huh.

[dog whimpering]

No! Paul!

[dog barking]

Paul! Paul, come back here.

[barking]

[hissing]

Hey, Paul.
Paul, get back here.

[dog whimpering]

- Paul!
- Oh, my God!

[both] Paul!

- [dog whimpering]
- [duck quacking]

[Erin] Oh, my God!

[Erin] Come on! Paul!

Paul! Get out of there!

[Dean] Hold your breath, Paul!

[Erin] Hang in there, buddy!

- Bad duck!
- Ow!

Dean, do something! You
have to pull him out of there.

[dog whimpering]

Let's take a rain check
on the lunch, all right?

Sorry.

[duck quacking]

Such an asshole!

[Wes] I just want to go on
the record and say

this is a really bad idea.

Why? He does impersonations
of famous people.

How hard could it be
to impersonate someone

- that no one's ever met before?
- Yeah.

We're going to be fine. This
is going to be totally fine.

- You gave him the bible, right?
- [Dean] Yeah.

- Good.
- And the Stanicky phone,

everything on it, his Insta.

I FaceTimed him. I took him
through everything, man.

For a sloppy drunk,
he's a real pro

- when it comes to this stuff.
- Fine.

[loud retching]

Oh, Jesus.

[Wes] Please don't be
the trash bag,

please don't be
the trash bag...

It's the trash bag. Oh.

- Dude.
- What the hell?

- Hey, boys.
- What are you on?

Huh?

Don't give me that shit.
What drugs are you on?

None.

Don't lie to us.
You're sweating like a tweaker.

I'm sweating because
I'm not on anything.

I've been cold-turkeying
the booze for three days.

Smashes my world record
by three days.

What? You can't quit drinking
right now, man.

We need you in top form!

I can't drink. Ricky Stanicky's
in the program, remember?

Right, yeah, yeah.

Ricky's been clean and sober
for the past seven years.

[JT] Who cares?!
People relapse all the time.

- [Dean] Yeah.
- [JT] What are you...?

What are you doing?

Wallet. Mouth.

[JT] Oh, oh, oh!

Yeah, I've seen this
on 'Intervention'.

He's having withdrawals.

The leather will
calm him down.

- Relax. It's okay.
- Yeah.

[groaning]

You okay?

I had a couple of those
in the plane - they pass.

The nice fella I walked off
the plane with, he helped me.

What fella?

He was just... he was just
here. You didn't see him?

Curly eyes. Long blonde lips.
He talks with a limp.

All right, uh,

how about we just take
a little whiff of vodka,

you know,
just to take the edge off?

- Yeah. A little bit.
- Yeah?

No, you hired me to play
the role of a sober gentleman.

I'm going to do so
the only way I know how -

with artistic integrity.

What is that?
Is somebody boiling lobster?

Boiling what? Oh, Rod.

- Oh.
- [Wes scoffs]

It's not what you think it is.

It's just piss.

Oh, thank God.

[Rod] I can't believe you guys
picked me up in this thing.

What?

This gas-guzzling,
carbon-emitting Earth-killer.

If your people see me
pull up in this thing,

my cover is blown for sure.

He's right again. Ricky
Stanicky's a tree hugger.

We helped him clean up
the Chesapeake Bay, remember?

The Pats/Ravens game.
That was a good game.

["Where Have All the Cowboys
Gone?" ringtone plays]

- [JT] Who's that?
- Nobody.

All right, who's the bank?
I want all my cheese up front.

SAG minimum - $983 a day,
meal penalty after six hours.

Dude, there is no way
you're in the union.

We'll give you half now
and half when you're done.

That's a no-bueno.
I want all my cake up front.

It's not negotiable.

Okay, then, that's a bueno.

[Dean] Guys, we can't take him
to the bris smelling like this.

Wes, can you please take
Mr. Stanicky

over to your place
and shower him off

and then bring him
over to JT's?

It's 'Ricky'. Mr. Stanicky
is my fake father's name.

Um, hey, I don't think
that's going to be a good idea.

My shower curtains,
they're all mouldy and shit.

Wes, stop being a douchebag.

Erin and I have to get there
early and help set up.

So we're going to be there
way before you. Just...

I don't know, do what you can,
make him presentable, please.

Presentable? How dare you.

You guys are supposed to be
my best friends.

You should be fighting over
who gets to hose me down.

Hey, grand-mal piss-pants.
Shut the fuck up, okay?

We wouldn't be
in this predicament

if you didn't show up smelling
like a nursing-home mattress.

Wow. This is a hostile set.

[sighing]

Thanks for that, man.

Starting to feel
a little human again.

Yeah. Hey, let me
ask you something.

You're a raging alcoholic, right?

Yeah.

Well, then how do
you stay so ripped?

- Roids. Shit-ton of roids.
- Hmm.

I got addicted to those too.

God, they're good.

Wow. Gay much?

Yeah. I was really
feeling it that day.

Oh, so this is your, um...

Partner, Keith. Mmm.

Of course.

By the way, I kind of told him
that you were bi.

What? Why?

Because it'd be weird
if you weren't...

since we dated.

We dated? You and me?
Was that in the bible?

- I missed that.
- No, it's not in there.

Why the hell
wasn't it in the bible?

Well, 'cause I couldn't tell
the guys. All right?

Look, look, I didn't know
how things would go

on my first date with Keith.

So I told him I was seeing
this dude named Ricky Stanicky,

in case I needed an out.

But we hit it off
and I told him we broke up.

Okay, no problem.

Unfortunately, Keith's still
a little threatened by you.

Okay, spill the beans.
I got to know everything.

- What did you tell him we did?
- What do you mean?

Cut the crap.
You know what I mean.

Did we play Winnie the Pooh
finds a honey stick?

- What's that?
- Munchkins in a cave?

Upside-down barber?

Shaved biscuits and gravy?

- No.
- Old faceful?

No! We just went on
a couple of dates.

Oh. I guess
I didn't do it for you.

You're no trophy either,
beagle ears.

Hey, what's this?

Oh, it's just this...
this children's book thing

that I've been tinkering with.

Hey, there he is!
Our mohel, Rabbi Greenberg.

You can call me
Rabbi Gigglebird.

[laughter]

The Rabbi
does stand-up sometimes

at the Comedy Connection.

I may not be able to eat ham,
but I can certainly be one!

[forced laughter]

Cheese puffs, anyone?

Oh, no, we mohels,
we prefer those little weenies.

Ba-doomp-pow!

Oh, no... [chuckles awkwardly]

Listen. Listen.

My services here today
are complimentary,

just so you know, all right?

I consider this a mitzvah.
All right?

I don't want any money,

but I'm keeping the tip!

[laughs]

- They just keep on coming, huh?
- Yeah, they don't stop.

- All right.
- You're hungry, I bet.

Always.

Please. You got to fill up
before you... Right?

- Go. It's all you, baby.
- Yeah, yeah. Go get it. Dig in.

[Rabbi] Back off the vodka, lady.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Can I get a gin and tonic?
And let's make it a double.

What the fuck
is Summerhayes doing here?

I invited him.

- Oh, my God.
- Babe, why would you do that?

Because he's your boss.

Yeah. I don't want to
hang out with my boss.

Why not? You invited him
to the baby shower, shithead.

That's different. This is
a cock-cutting ceremony.

I don't want him here.

Jesus Christ, you're being
weird. Just go say hi.

Both of you. Go.

Great. This is just great.

Now if Stanicky shits the bed,
we lose our jobs.

God, where is he?
He should be here by now.

[Rod] Explain it again.

It's a children's story
about these seeds

that are flying in the breeze,

and all they want to do is
reach the top of this mountain.

But there's this one little
seed who gets blown back

to the bottom of the mountain,

and she's all like, "Fuck!"

But when it starts to rain,
all the water will start

to flow down the side of
the mountain straight to her.

So she'll sprout
and she'll grow and grow

to be the biggest tree of all,

even bigger than the ones
on top of the mountain.

The message being,

you can be great in life,
no matter where you start.

Hot, wet shit.

What-what...
what are you talking about?

Come on, man,
you're not a farmer.

What the hell do you
know about seeds, right?

And the message is absurd.

Poor kids turn into trees?
It doesn't make any sense.

- You're right.
- Right?

It is stupid. It's stupid!

What the fuck
was I thinking, man? Yeah.

I should just give up.

Whoa. No.
That's not what I said.

I said this is crap,

because it's not authentic.

Doesn't mean you gotta give up.

Let me tell you a story, cowboy.

A few years back,

I had an X-rated dog show
at the Showboat.

I had these two mutts that
could bang missionary style.

Oh, yeah, you heard me right.
Missionary!

Face-to-face. Real deal.

It was kind of touching, actually.

Then Atlantic City
gets all woke

and they won't let 'em pump
on stage anymore.

I tried doing the show with
two guys in dog suits, but...

the magic just wasn't there.

You know what I mean?

- No.
- My point is, I failed.

But did I give up? Heck no.

I just had to ask myself,
what do I love?

And then it was easy -

singing, performing
and telling filthy jokes.

And that is when Rock Hard Rod
was born.

You, sir, have just found out

your dogs can no longer bang
missionary style.

Now you got to ask yourself,
what do you love?

- What do I love?
- Yeah.

Ah... [mumbles]

Yeah, I... I like ceramic owls?

Uh... I love fog.

I love fog! I love it.

Er, is there anything
that you like

that a regular human being
can relate to on any level?

- I like Christmas.
- Christmas, Christmas!

Perfect! Yes!
Everybody loves Christmas.

Yeah, well, not everybody.

Keith is not a big fan of it
these days.

- He doesn't love Christmas?
- Well, he used to love it.

But, I mean,

ever since his parents
found out that we were dating,

they haven't really
invited him over.

- That sucks.
- Yeah.

Which is their loss, you know.

No "Jerky of the Month Club"
for them.

Ha.

I just wish there was
a holiday tradition for us.

You know, like Christmas is
the gayest holiday anyway, man.

You know, you bedazzle
a tree with tinsel.

And why does Santa
have to be such a fat shit?

Couldn't he be ripped? Couldn't
he be jacked? You know?

Can the elves have
ordered him a Peloton

or a yoga mat or something?

Ra-pum-pum-pum.

Now that is authentic!

Yeah. A Christmas story for us.

Thanks for coming, Ted.

I know a bris
isn't exactly your cup of tea.

Oh, no, we're happy
that you invited us, JT.

This is exactly
what Ted needed.

He's been so obsessed
with this World River merger.

Yeah.

Circumcision parties are
my go-to when I need to relax.

[nervous chuckling]

Where's Gary?
I thought he was coming.

He has his improv class
at Trinity,

but I think he'll be here soon.

Have you guys seen
his new commercial?

[Dean] Yeah. Yeah.

- He got off.
- Who got off?

My big story
I'm covering this week.

You're covering a trial?

No, real reporters
get to do that.

I'm covering a vicious duck
sitting on a golf ball

- at Wannamoisett Country Club.
- Oh.

You're just paying
your dues, right?

You're going to get a shot
at the big story soon.

Thanks, babe.

He's not coming, is he?

- Who would you be referring to?
- Oh, don't give me that.

Ricky Stanicky.
Where the hell is he?

Oh, he'll be here.
This is just typical Ricky.

He's... he's always late.

Hmm. Well, I'll believe it
when I see it.

Leona, come on.
Why wouldn't he come?

Probably for the same reason

that he didn't bother to show
up for JT and Susan's wedding.

Sorry he didn't think
my wedding was more important

than digging out hurricane
victims in the Bahamas.

Ooh.

Ha, ha!
The old Bahamian hurricane.

Jackie, tell me about
Ricky Stanicky.

I mean, if they were
such good friends,

you must have met him a bunch
when they were kids, right?

Oh, sure.
I... I met all of JT's friends.

Really?

Do you have any
specific memories of him?

Well, I remember he was
a handful, that's for sure.

I mean, every time
this one got in trouble,

Stanicky was somehow behind it.

He was a... a little devil,
that Ricky.

- Yeah. Oh, yeah.
- Wow!

That doesn't sound like
the same guy

who works for Bono in Africa
and builds orphanages in Peru.

That's 'cause he's born again.

- Ah.
- He had that epiphany in rehab.

Remember I told you about that?

- Mm-hm.
- Yeah, people change, Leona.

Why are you grilling my mom?
She's not on trial.

Because I want you to admit

that Ricky Stanicky
does not exist.

Hey, mishpocha!

Let's get down to bris-ness!

[all exclaim]

Oh, yes! Yeah-ah!

[JT] You made it!

The boys are back!

[all exclaim]

- All right.
- Jackie!

Ricky?

Oh, you look unbelievable.
You're still a MILF.

[chuckling] Oh, my God.

Look at you.
Oh, you haven't changed a bit.

The mystery man in the flesh.

Well, churn my butter
with a slippery stick.

I finally get to meet
Erin Harford.

You're even more beautiful
in person

than the pictures
Dean's always sending me.

You send him pictures of me?

Oh, tasteful, of course.

Even the nudes.

Seriously, the guy
doesn't shut up about you.

What were you saying
about her last week?

It was, um...

Ah!
The more I look at her,

the more I realize
how much there is to see.

- Aw. Babe.
- And who do we have here?

Rapunzel, Rapunzel,
let down your hair!

[meekly] I'm Carly,
I'm Erin's cousin.

No need to shout, bullhorn!

[light laughter]

And I am the woman
who had to give birth all alone

because you tricked her husband
into going to Albany.

Oh, my God, Susan,
I'm so sorry.

[exhales regretfully]

You know how much grief
your old man's been giving me?

For the record, I had no idea
it was your baby shower.

I just wanted to celebrate
my new lease on life

with my oldest,
dearest friends.

Then little Whitaker
comes along...

God, I love that name.

And then I just
ruin everything.

I just...
Again, my sincerest apologies.

No, you know, it...

It's okay. I know you've
been through a lot, so...

Hell, yeah, they lopped off
one of my nuts, for starters.

- [laughter]
- Oh, you are still a handful!

Well, half a handful.

- [chortles]
- Ricky...

Okay, Rico! Hey, let's go
show you around. Huh?

Aren't you going to
Introduce me?

Uh, we'll be right back.

[whispers] Stay away from
that woman at all costs, okay?

That's Susan's mother.
She's bad news.

Jesus.

Hey, if anyone asks
about the shaking, just say,

"I have low blood sugar
and I had a Red Bull."

Stopping you there.

I don't appreciate
line readings.

What?

So, I lift up the mosquito net

and, sure enough,
Bono's in there.

Plowing Mrs. Bono
like a potato field.

Really? The Bono?

Yeah. Givin' the missus the old
Irish shillelagh, as it were.

So I'm standing there
embarrassed.

And then they go,
[Irish accent] "It's okay.

"Watch us, we like it."

Is that an Irish thing?

I don't think so. But
I wouldn't put it past them.

Hey, the guy saved ten million
people from starving.

So, if he wants to let people

watch him corn-beef his wife's
cabbage, who am I to stop him?

You know who has the best
corn-beef in town? Geoff's.

And it isn't even really
a deli.

I don't think that's
the kind of corn-beef

he's talking about, Ginny.

Oh, man, all this food talk
is making me hungry.

- Ricky, have you eaten yet?
- [Summerhayes] Dean.

You haven't introduced me
to Indiana Jones here.

Yeah, of course.

Ted, this is Ricky Stanicky,
my good friend.

Uh, Ricky, this is
Ted Summerhayes, my boss.

Ted, nice to meet you.

Digging the suit
and the seedlings, man.

The seedlings?

The hair plugs.
They're new, right?

What?

No. This is my hair.

Ha! Yeah, just like
a doll's hair is her hair.

That's good. That's good.

So, Ted, you're one of those
big banker guys, eh?

One of those guys out there

helping those billionaires
get richer

and then floating around on
your big swinging super-yachts,

leaving everybody else
struggling to make ends meet

in their little dinghies.

- No. No, no, no. Not at all...
- First of all,

we sell financial services
to independent investors,

and anyone
who's willing to pay for them

is welcome
to share in the benefits.

Whatever helps you
sleep at night, Ebenezer.

[chuckling nervously]
Uh, if memory serves me,

Ebenezer Scrooge ends up

becoming the hero
of that story.

- It's Ricky, right?
- [Rod] Yeah.

I'm wondering, Ricky, are you
always such a bust-out asshole,

right out of the gate?

Only when I'm talking
to the type of guy

who can make a real
difference in this world.

Ted, Ricky's been
working overseas

for the last decade
on non-profits.

So at least he walks the walk.

Well, that's nice,

but he's obviously getting
his financial information

from 'The Huffington Post'.

No, actually, I've been reading

the 'San Francisco Chronicle'
lately.

I've been following

your potential merger
with World River.

It's interesting, unexpected.

Okay, hey, uh,
there's a ton of people inside

- that still wanna meet you.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

I'd like to hear this.

Unexpected, how?

[Rod] Oh, come on.

They're the yin,
and you got that big old yang.

It's a perfect fit.

In what way?

Well, you're old school.
They're new age.

You got common sense,
but they got radical new ideas.

For my money,
I'm going common sense

over radical new ideas all day.

I'm sure the people in Portland
and San Francisco agree.

And that's what
makes you guys great.

But they're pretty good too.

But, together, you guys
would be unstoppable.

This merger could make a real
difference in this world, Ted.

A real difference.

Yin and yang, huh?

Oh, don't mind if I do. Thanks.

Where the hell did you hear
about the World River deal?

They were all over
your Twitter.

I just did a little research.

What are you doing
on my Twitter?

Dean, I told you I'm an actor.

When I walk into a room,

I want to know exactly
where I came from

and what every single person
in that room's been doing.

That's what all the greats do.

Matt Damon
actually bought a zoo

before he filmed
'We Bought a Zoo'.

I don't think that's true.

You don't believe me?
Take it up with Reddit.

Oh, if you'll excuse me,

I got to go
have a word with Keith.

What? How do you know Keith?!

We're in a weird
love-triangle thing.

Look, all I'm saying is I hope
there's no hard feelings.

Because let's face it,
you won.

But I'm happy for you.

You guys make
a fabulous couple.

I'm done with his ass.

Look, I still love the guy,

but I'm tired of working
60 hours a week

while he sits around not doing
anything to improve himself.

I just...

I can't be with a person
like that anymore.

What... what about his writing?
That's work.

What writing?

The book he's working on.

He never told me
he was writing a book.

He sure looks a lot older
than you guys.

- Really?
- Mmm.

Yeah, well, he is,
by a couple years.

You know, we were like
little brothers to him.

Hmm, no, I mean, like more
than a couple of years.

Well, it's because
of the drugs - he...

You know, he was a huge
partier, back in the day.

I mean, like hard drugs.

Huffing glue. Like, the works.

I mean, that'll suck the youth
right out of your face.

It does.

Yeah, that was all before
he went on

- the straight and narrow.
- Hmm.

Oh, look at them.
Look how happy they are.

- [JT] I told you.
- [Rabbi] It's an easy thing.

- [Dean] I don't see happiness.
- [Erin] What?

I see fear and anxiety.

Fear of what?

[Dean] Of the responsibility
of it all.

What do they even
get out of it?

What do they get
out of having a family?

- Yeah.
- Come on.

I mean, I get it on paper.
Sure, right.

But in reality, having a kid
is fear and anxiety

with periodic moments
of crushing pain.

And then you get
bitter and resentful

and eventually just... mean.

At least that's how it was
at my house.

You realize that's
the most you've ever

told me about your childhood?

[Rod] Look, he is
kind of lost right now,

but just give him a little
time, he'll figure it out.

I've given him plenty of time.

I think you need
to step back in, Ricky.

Be there for him.

Ease the blow a little
when I drop him.

Oh, hey, Keith, slow down.

Take it from me,
relationships like yours,

they don't come around
that often.

They just don't.

My own mother
was married six times.

She never found happiness.

An incredible sex life,

but she was filled up
with everything but joy.

You really want to
give up on this?

May not come back around.

Ricky!

I understand you spent
a lot of time in Kenya

working with
the Give Green organization.

Yeah, yeah, good peeps.

Green peeps, yeah.

I'm interested in
what your experience was there,

because, you know,
I've been reading up on them

and they're a really
intriguing organization.

Yeah, you know what?

I was just trying to find
one of those cheese-puff trays.

- I'll show you where they are.
- Right, but before you do,

can you tell me about
Charlie Sennet?

Huh?

Charlie Sennet, the journalist
who started Give Green

and is still hands on.

I mean,
did you get to meet him?

What do you think
of his mission statement?

Is it tenable?

Oh, yeah,
of course it's tenable.

Elevenable, twelveable...

I mean,
it's infinite really, right?

[Leona] Ha-ha.

I mean, I'm intrigued
by their policy

of direct charitable donations.

You know, personally, I think

donations need
to be conditional.

What do you think?

[Dean] Uh, you know what?

It's group photo time.
Group photo time.

Group photo! Come on,
let's make some memories!

Yeah. Yeah.

You have no idea what I'm
talking about, do you, Ricky?

Maybe he just doesn't want
to talk shop at a bris, Leona.

Or maybe he's a fraud.
Are you a fraud, sir?

[cool jazz piano music plays]

[piano music intensifies]

I'll tell you
what's fraudulent, Leona.

Yeah?

The perception that
the program at Give Green

needs to be conditional.

They choose to offer
unconditional cash transfers

for two reasons.

First, empowering poor people
to make their own choices?

Well, that advances
their core value of respect.

Second, imposing
conditions requires

expensive monitoring
and enforcement structures

that could raise administrative
costs as high as 63%.

The existing empirical evidence
comparing the impact

of conditional
to unconditional cash transfers

shows that these added costs

simply do not
produce commensurate benefits.

I wonder where those
cheese-puff trays went off to.

[cool jazz piano music plays]

[hushed chattering]

Did you want a cheese puff,
Leona?

[piano music outro plays]

No, thank you.

Huh, so what are these?

Glazed dates
stuffed with Asiago cheese

and pickled herring.

Don't mind if I don't.

No problem.

- That was amazing.
- Unbelievable.

Where the hell
did you learn all that stuff?

Gotta buy the zoo, baby.

What? Who's that...?

Gary Polisner's here.

$8,000. It's on lease,
but that's how much it's worth.

Oh.

Hey, Polisner!

Hey! Well you move along,
I'll talk to you later on.

Get over here, hey?

Had to park my Cybertruck
in the next county.

What, you too cheap
for a valet?

[laughing]

- Crap! I know that guy.
- What? What guy?

The guy standing
with Hairy Krishna.

I saved you a bagel with lox.

I asked for an everything
bagel. That's a nothing bagel.

Hey, you got any booze
in this place?

Yeah.

[Gary] Let me guess,
it's a cash bar. [laughs]

Oh, shit!

Go up the stairs.
Go into the garage.

Just get in there. Don't
come out until I tell you.

All right? Go, go, go, go, go.

Fuck.

And as you can tell,
I actually don't sweat...

[JT] What the fuck
are you saying?

Ricky knows Polisner.

- How?
- How the hell do I know?

They're both actors. Maybe
they crossed paths somehow.

We got to get Polisner
out of here.

He just got here.

Goddamn it.

We could put him
in a K-hole.

What's that?

Dose him with ketamine.

Yeah, great idea. I'll just run
down to CVS and grab a bottle.

No need.

Why the hell
do you have ketamine?

Well, sometimes
after a hard day, you...

You K-hole yourself.

I could see that.
Where do you get these things?

- My grandmother died.
- Guys!

We're not K-holing anyone.

Stop being such
a fucking wang, Dean. Okay?

We're going to get him
a little drowsy

and then put him in a cab.

Are you guys serious right now?

You want to drug
the Red Robin guy?

What other fucking choice
do we have?

"Seconds on steak fries?
Uh, yeah!"

First take. Everyone applauded.
That's the one they used, too.

[Summerhayes groans]

Fuck it.
Let's K-hole the prick.

- [Dean] This is it.
- [JT] Yep, let's go. Let's go.

[loud exclaiming]

- [Wes] All right.
- [Dean] No way!

[JT] That's right, I hit.
That's right, I hit.

- Let's go for two.
- He's got you believing.

Come on, baby. Come on!

Bad throw. Bad throw.

Bad throw! Dude, your foot
came off the couch.

- Oh, hey, Gare.
- Oh, hey, Dean, what's up?

Hey, uh, you guys seen
my Red Robin commercial yet?

- We did. Yeah, we did.
- Yeah. Shit went national.

Yeah, I love that.

Thinking of getting me
a sweet kimono dragon.

Isn't it 'komodo'?

No, not the one
I'm getting, right?

- Oh, yeah!
- [Gary] Off market. All cash.

- What are you losers doing?
- We're playing a game

where if you catch
three peanuts in a row,

you get 20 bucks
from each of us.

Why, you want in?

- Fuck yeah!
- Oh?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah!
- Okay.

Man, I'll kick all your asses.

Step right up
and get behind the hat.

- [JT] No cheating.
- [Gary] I got this.

- Here we go.
- You focused?

- [JT] Whoa!
- Whoa! Boom!

Wow!

Relax, Gare.
Little bit of luck there.

- Okay.
- [JT] Get low.

- Ohh! Yeah.
- Ohh! Yes!

I'm just as good as Wes
at catching nuts in my mouth.

Oh. Right. 'Cause I'm gay.

[laughing] Yeah.

[whispers] I'm so happy
we're doing this.

Okay, this one's
for all the marbles.

[JT] All right, Gary,
let's go, buddy. You ready?

[Dean] Ready?
One, two...

[in slow-motion] Three...

[triumphant music]

Ba-doomp-pow! All net!

I think I ate a bad one.

Bitter.

[Rabbi] My sweet boy.

May God make you
like Ephraim and Manasseh.

May God bless you
and watch over you.

Shouldn't we be stopping this?

Don't worry, we got about
a half hour before it kicks in.

Hey, I figured out
how I know him.

He's in those
Red Robin commercials.

"Seconds on steak fries?
Uh, yeah!"

Dude, that was great.
You should be an actor.

So you guys have
never met before?

- No, but...
- Yeah, just a big fan.

- All right, it's time.
- Okay.

[laughing] Oh...

we're going to need
a steak knife.

Ha!

Wow! Is this his bris
or his bar mitzvah?

[nervous chuckle]

Okay, little vinegar...
Whitaker...

[Rabbi slurring] ...has
skanctified us with the...

...commandiments...
com... condiments...

...comma... commandments...

With the commander-ments.

With the commandments. Oy...

- [hushed chatter]
- [woman] He's seems confused.

[whispers] What the hell?
Is he drunk?

[whispers] I don't know.
I saw him eat a peanut earlier.

Maybe he's having a reaction?

- Man, you said half an hour.
- I don't know.

I think I might have
developed a tolerance.

Okay.

[Rabbi slurring]
And he hasht given us

the command to...

circumvision!

[people gasping]

Hi, fishy-fishy!
Oh, to fishy-fishy!

Mommy, I don't want to
go to school tomorrow.

[Susan] Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!
He's allergic to peanuts.

What did she say?

She said
he's allergic to penis.

Oh, he's certainly in
the wrong business.

Ba-doomp-pow!

Oh, my God.

He's only half circumcised.

Take the kid to the hospital.

- Yes, definitely a hospital.
- I could call an ambulance.

No, this has to be done now.

Let Ricky finish it.

Ricky? What? No!
No. Are you insane?

He used to work for
Bono's foundation in Africa,

circumcising adults.

Aw.

Yeah, he did.
But that was so long ago.

Plus, it's got to be
way easier to circumcise

a gorgeous African penis
than a baby penis.

You would think.

I can do it.

Uh, Ricky... Ricky! This is
a baby we're talking about.

A real baby. Are you sure?

Yeah. Yeah. It's not like
I'm cutting a diamond.

I'm sure I can pull it off.
Pun intended.

No. No! We need
a certified mohel, right?

- Right.
- I'll just look one up on Yelp.

What? No! No Yelping.

No, we already have a mohel.
He's already said the tefilah.

We just need to
let Ricky finish it off.

Mom, no, I'm going to
take him to a hospital,

where doctors work.

Does anyone here care
that my grandson

is laying there
half circumcised?

[snipping]
And we're done!

[gasping]

Just a little
off the ol' Tiparillo.

- Huh.
- [Rod] Who's next?

Summerhayes, get over here so
I can snip off that turtleneck.

Stanicky, you are unbelievable.

- All right, this is yours.
- No.

Oh, my God, Ricky!

- [people applauding]
- [nervous chuckling]

Yes!

Ricky Stanicky, you are even
better than advertized.

Ah, Susan, it's just
a pleasure to help you out.

By the way, the kid's got a
good-looking schmeckel on him.

Real hog barrel. He's going to
have some fun with that thing.

[laughter]

- Takes after his papa.
- [Rod] Yeah.

Ricky, do you really
have to leave already?

Can't you just stay
one more night?

I would love to, Carlsbad...

...but I got to go.

[Susan and JT] Aw...

He's going to Nairobi to help
out with the Ebola situation.

- Yeah.
- Oh.

Nairobi?

Yeah. I goes where I's needed.

[men chanting] Ricky! Ricky!

[laughing] Those guys.

Well...

[light laughter]

[Susan] Oh, man.

- Okay, bye, Ricky.
- [Wes] One of a kind.

- I'll see you inside.
- I'll see you in a minute.

I'm going to help
with the baby.

Okay.

That was amazing. Incredible.

You are a legend.

That was world class, Rod.

It's Ricky.

[all laugh]

- Yeah...
- Right.

Well, here's your dough.

Uh, we put some extra
in there

just 'cause you knocked it
out of the park, man.

- Yes you did.
- Yeah.

Where did you
learn to circumcise?

Oh, had a job peeling shrimp
at Beefsteak Charlie's.

[chuckles awkwardly] Okay.

["Where Have All the Cowboys
Gone?" ringtone plays]

- Oh, you blowing up, huh?
- [ringtone continues]

Are you going to get that,
or...?

[phone bleeps, ringtone stops]

No. That's just a crazy fan.

Well, now you got
three crazy fans.

That's right.

You guys take care.

- You too!
- Yeah, you too.

- We'll be fine. You take care.
- Yeah, please.

If you're ever
in Atlantic City...

- Possibly.
- We'll let you know.

We'll definitely let you know.

[engine idling]

He's good to go.

- [Dean] Thanks, Rod.
- Thank you.

It's Ricky.

[JT chuckles]

- [sighs heavily] Whew!
- Yeah!

- I'm hungry, man.
- [JT] Let's feed you.

[laughter]

[Wes] I can't believe
it worked!

I can't believe it actually
fucking worked.

As much of a nut job
as Rod is...

- Uh, it's Ricky.
- Oh, sorry, Ricky.

But he came through.
He actually came through.

So that's it, though, right?

- Yep.
- No more Ricky Stanicky.

No, we are never mentioning
his name ever again.

It was fun while it lasted.
Right? Okay.

But it's time to get off that
rollercoaster once and for all.

Yep. Ride's over, folks!
Please exit to your left!

Please check for
your belongings!

You gotta be this tall
to ride this ride.

Wes, you always do
one too many, man.

Fuck you. Is that one too many?

- Oh, it is. That is too many.
- Guys, guys, guys. Guys.

For the very last time,
a toast...

To Ricky Stanicky.

[Wes and JT] To Ricky Stanicky!

Best friend we never had.

[glasses clinking]

- You got some on your arm.
- Hoo!

[JT] I mean, it's my
newborn son, you know,

it's like this bonding thing.

If anybody else
had pissed on me,

I'd be totally grossed out.

What about if it was Susan?

Eew!

Hey, guys, grab a cup of coffee
and get in here.

Yes!

Yesterday was a real kick.

It was nice spending time
with you guys

outside the boiler room.

- Mm-hm.
- It is.

Who doesn't love
a good bris, right?

Right!
We should do it all the time.

- Have a bris?
- Hang out. We should hang...

By the way, your wife, Miriam,
she's amazing.

- Just fantastic.
- A lovely, lovely woman.

Thanks. She liked you guys too.

And she was really taken
with your friend Stanicky.

He's got brass balls on him,
that guy.

She loved how
in my face he was.

Really?

Yeah, he'll give it to you,
man, that guy.

- That's Ricky.
- Yeah. He'll...

- Just... he's a character.
- He is a character.

- A powerful creature, man.
- He sure is.

That's why I hired him.

- Mm-hm.
- Awesome.

What the fuck
did you just say?

What the fuck
did you just say?

I just said, "Awesome."

That's awesome.

You just said...

What did you say?
Just say it one more time?

Ricky gave me his number and
when I got home, I called him.

I got him right before
he got on the plane too.

He came over to my place.

We were up till 4 a.m.
banging out a deal.

The buff guy?

The guy who wore the
safari outfit to my son's bris

and circumcised him
with a cigar cutter?

- You banged out a deal?
- Yes.

I hired Ricky Stanicky.

Wow! Wow!

But do you think...
like, he has the experience

- to be working here?
- Yeah, does he, ya think?

Nah, whatever he lacks
in experience,

he more than makes up for
with piss and vinegar.

I loved his take
on the World River deal.

- But that's...
- Not his take, really.

Yeah, that's just what he read
in the news.

Uh-huh.

You can stop
playing games, guys.

I know you've been
recruiting him.

You don't think I noticed

that JT expensed three rounds
of golf at Carnegie Abbey

in the last couple of months?

That was two rounds, I think...

B-because we were...
we were...

- We were recruiting him.
- Recruiting him.

And we decided...

- Not... not good.
- Not Summerhayes material.

Yeah, he just doesn't...

[JT] I don't think
he's right for this place.

Hey! Speak of the devil.

[mellow funk music]

Okay.

- Oh, Philip.
- Yeah?

I was hoping to see something
in a mahogany or a birch.

I believe this is Carolina
pine. That's a shit wood.

Okay. Uh... shit wood...

Philip, can we have a sec?

Yes. Please.

[Rod] Oh, and for these walls,

I'd love to see something
in more of a ham color.

Right.

What the fuck do you think
you're doing here?

This is unbelievable.
How cool is this, right?

And I didn't even have to
fill out an application!

Application?!
This isn't Little Caesar's.

There's no way for you to act
your way through this, okay?

There's no script for you
to follow here.

Okay, you guys can help me out.

Just like I helped you out
in the bris thing, right?

- That's what friends are for.
- Friends? We're not friends!

The deal was you come to
the gig, then you leave.

You got paid.

- Now go!
- Go!

Come on.
What was I supposed to do?

Your boss, Summersquash,
hits me up

- and he's like, "Hey, man."
- 'Summerhayes'?

Yes, that guy.

Offers me 250 large
right out of the blue.

- What?!
- $250,000?

Yeah, but that's
for the whole year.

That's more than we make.

Oh, my God!

Well, I did work as a hostage
negotiator in Somalia.

So maybe I bring a certain
amount of life experience

to the table.

I mean, come on, guys,
didn't you read the bible?

- We wrote the fucking bible!
- We did that.

Rod, I need you to listen
to me very, very carefully.

It's 'Ricky'.

Rod! Listen to me, okay?

There's no way
that this ends well. All right?

You don't even know
what we do here.

It's like business stuff.

You guys are like...
like bookies, right?

We're not bookies.

Well, when you boil it down
a little bit, there is...

It's way more complex
than that, okay?

Dean, Erin's in your office.
She says it's urgent.

Hey.

They hired me!

- Who?
- MFMBC!

They want me to produce
the 'Hero of the Week' segment.

- MFMBC?
- Yes!

Are you kidding me? What?!

- Oh, my gosh! Oh.
- [Erin squeals and laughs]

- Oh, I'm so proud of you.
- Thank you.

Didn't I tell you you were
going to get your big break?

- You did, you did.
- You got your big break.

You did. I pushed them
the Ricky Stanicky story

and they loved it.

The Ricky what?

The 'Hero of the Week' segment.

I sent them a proposal
about the work Ricky does

in Africa, in South America
and how he works with Bono...

[audio distorts] ...and helped
clean up the oil spill

in the Chesapeake Bay,
and they want me to produce it!

- Oh!
-"Oh"?

What's wrong with your face?

This is my happy face.
I'm so... I'm happy.

I'm ha... I'm happy.
[coughing]

Great. Because we got to
get him back here now.

They want me
to run it this week.

Right.

I don't know if that's
going to be... possible.

I don't...
There's just a lot of, uh...

- [Ricky] More of a canned ham.
- A lot of moving...

- Very close to spam.
- [Erin] Ricky?

Ricky!

Ricky!

Man of the Year?
Wow! That's so cool!

It's not man of the year.
It's hero of the week.

And it's not wow.
It's a fucking shit show.

And on top of that,

the girls are going bowling
with him tonight.

- Do we have to go?
- Of course we have to go.

We're the dipshit's
best friends, remember?

Plus we can't let that fucker
out of our sight.

There's no telling
what he'll say.

You know, on the bright side,
it is pretty remarkable that,

you know, we invented a man
who can win an award like this.

Hey, you think he'll thank us?

Are you fucking serious
right now?

Wes! You are smoking
way too much weed

if you don't understand
how serious this is, okay?

It's not just about us anymore.

This could destroy
Erin's career. Wake up!

I don't have a choice.

- I got to tell her the truth.
- No fucking way!

- I got to.
- Dean, no. Dude!

If you tell Erin,
she'll tell Susan. Okay?

Then what do you think
is going to happen?

Not only did I miss
the birth of my son,

but I let some porno
Peter Frampton impersonator

snip his dick
with a cigar cutter.

No!

Hey, guys.

Hey, Karnowski.

How was the Rebillet show?

It was great, you piece of
shit. Thanks for the tickets.

Thank you!

Shitbag!

He doesn't deserve that.
Karnowsk!

Karnowski!

- [indistinct chatter]
- [up-tempo music plays]

[Rod] You'll never pick it up.

I like your form.

I mean, look at this guy.
Not a care in the world.

If he mentions his salary
one more time,

I'm going to hit him
in the fucking head.

Well, maybe if you gave him
more money

than he's being paid,
he'd leave.

He's getting paid $250,000,
Wes.

Yeah, but that's
for the whole year.

I'll just run to my bank, then.

We got to figure out a way to
get rid of him or we're done.

Look, maybe you're worried
about nothing, right?

She only has a couple of days
to dig up dirt.

If she doesn't dig up dirt,
that's worse.

Eventually someone's
going to find out the truth.

And then Erin would just
be one of those journalists

that makes up fake stories.

Yeah, like Mario Lopez.

Oh.

Well,
look who's hitting it off.

I thought she was
with Gary Polisner.

Apparently not.

Hey, look,
none of my business,

but you should think about
chopping that off.

What? A haircut?

No, I don't know,
I mean, I'd be afraid to.

Why? With a face like yours,
you should have a pixie.

- Really?
- Yes! Look at this.

Okay...

Maybe not.

Down to the shoulders,
maybe mid back.

Yeah, I mean, yeah...

Honestly, I've kind of been
wanting to cut it for a while,

but I just feel like
this is like my thing now,

and everyone says
that they love it.

They're just being nice.

What, really?

Oh, yeah. Trust me.

But why would they lie to me?

I don't know.
People are weird, right?

Maybe it's hard for them
to tell you

you look like a freaking loon.
[chuckles]

Hey, Carly, whoa.

Look, I love your hair.
All right?

What I was trying to say was,

if you want to cut it,
you should.

You shouldn't care about
what anybody else thinks.

Look at you.

You're smart, you're sweet.

You got that cute
little muskrat face.

But all anybody can ever see
is your insane...

...ly beautiful hair.

Which is like the tenth best
thing you got going for you.

- [crashing]
- Agh! Ricky! Ricky!

Oh, what's happening? Ricky,
Ricky, what's happening?

[people exclaiming]

What's happen...? Ow!

Hey! Stop fucking bowling!

[shouting, commotion]

[machinery powers down]

What just happened?

[Erin] Oh, Carly,
that was terrible.

Moron!
He almost took her head off.

That's it. He's done.

I'll gladly pay 250, 300,
whatever it costs.

I'll get a loan, sell a kidney.
Whatever it takes.

He's out of here!

[JT] Wait a minute.

What if he didn't have a job
that paid him 250 grand a year?

Like, if he got fired.

[dramatic music]

[Summerhayes] Let's face facts.

We need this merger
with World River,

and they seem to be able
to take it or leave it.

Why? Well, I'll tell you why.

Those folks are
from San Francisco

and we're an old-money
New England company.

They think we're dinosaurs.

They're looking for new,

they're looking
for progressive.

So, come on. [claps]
Let's hear some ideas.

Dean, you're point on this.
Why don't you get us started?

Actually,
I was thinking that Ricky

should take point on this
today.

He's our newest employee
and he's an 'eco-hero'.

I like that idea.
Ricky, what do you got?

Well, thank you for
the vote of confidence, Dean.

You should run the meeting,
for sure.

I am just
not quite up to speed.

Well, that makes sense.

But Ricky's got something
big worked out here.

What'd you call it?
Um... game changer, right?

Game changer. Got to love that.
Ricky, what do you got?

I, um...

I, er...

Rick, I have a lunch
in 23 minutes.

Yeah.

Okay. [clears throat]

Um...

My area of expertize is in
non-profit humanitarian work.

In short, I'm a world hugger.

So, you know, why don't we
bring my exciting background

to the boring-ass world
of investment products?

I mean, you know,
ladies and gentlemen,

does for-profit
have to be for profit?

Well, that's the general idea.

Correct!

Ten points to the gentleman
in the conservative grey suit.

Er, could you please elaborate?

What I was saying...

...was, what if we took
all the money we made

and gave it away to poor people
and shit?

I'm not sure I understand that.

- And shit.
- I know I don't.

Well, think about it.

If we became, um, like
the Paul-Newman-salad-dressing

of banks,

the whole world would like us.

That is the stupidest idea
I've ever heard.

[executives snickering]

[Summerhayes]
Well, now, wait a minute.

Read between the lines,
Billings.

This is exactly what
I've been talking about.

Stanicky's saying
we got to shake things up.

Try something different.

No, that's not what
he's saying. He's saying...

What about that
Tom's company?

Giving away a free pair
of shoes for every pair sold.

I bet that sounded like
a stupid idea at first.

And what are they clearing?

170 million in revenue
last year.

170 million. That's impressive.

Now, obviously, we can't
give away all our money,

but we could funnel some of it
into philanthropic ventures.

And there have got to be
tax incentives.

- Yeah! Tax shit.
- Yeah.

We could call it, um...
Feel-Good Investing.

We'll show people
we're a company that cares.

Feel-Good Investing.
I like that. Great work, Rick.

Thanks, Ted.

[mouths silently]

What did you say, Ricky?

Oh... nothing.

I was just saying
"fuck you" to that guy.

Yeah, fuck you, Billings!

[laughs]

[executives chuckling]

We're just kidding.

But fuck you, Billings.

[laughter]

Here's what we're going to do.

The World River folks are
flying in Wednesday afternoon.

Wednesday? What?
Why Wednesday?

Because Wednesday night

we're going to have
a little summit over at my club

and watch Ricky's
'Hero of the Week' segment.

Clubs ahoy!

Right.

Now, I want you to bring
your families and your A-games.

Wednesday, we're going to show
these people who we are.

We're modern, we're fun,
we're socially conscious,

and we're American heroes.

- What is happening right now?
- I don't know.

I feel like Jason Bateman
in every episode of 'Ozark'.

Hey, boss-man?
Er, got a minute?

Sure!

Dean! JT! What it do?

What the...?
What are you doing here?

Ricky hired me.

- To do what?
- I don't know.

Help him out with stuff,
I guess.

Yes, I think young Wesley
shows great promise

as my attaché.

- Who's your attaché, Dean?
- I don't have an attaché.

I'm not a foreign diplomat.

Listen, you and me
need to have a chat.

Okay, but before we do,
I want to show you something.

[exasperated sigh]

First, thank you
for having faith

and believing in me today.

I never would've come up with
those ideas in the meeting

if you hadn't thrown me
into the fire.

Happy to do it, man.

I think I figured out
what the problem is.

What problem?

The whole 'not getting
the merger' thingy problem.

You went to one staff meeting

and you've got
the whole company figured out?

So I filmed this on my phone in
the staff meeting this morning

and my attaché
put it on the computer.

So, check it out.

- ...San Francisco and we...
- [Rod] See?

- ...old-money New England...
- You see?

- They're looking for...
- See what?

The guy's
a world-class air-dicker.

An air what-er?
What are you talking about?

Keep watching.

Every time
he tries to make a point,

it's like he puts an
invisible penis in his mouth.

Remember when Obama
used to power knuckle

to try to make that point?

Well, Summerhayes
does the same thing,

but when he does it, it's like
he's smoking invisible dongs.

Oh, my God,
he is an air-dicker.

There's a time
and a place for it,

but it's really hard
to get away with it

in a business setting.

Yo, let's make
a TikTok out of this!

[Rod chuckles]

What do you guys think?
Should I tell him?

Tell him what?

That he's a world-class
air-dicker.

- Absolutely.
- Yeah, you should.

[quirky music]

How could you work for him, dude?

We don't need you
exploring career opportunities

when he's trying
to ruin our lives.

First of all,
he's not ruining my life.

He hired me 'cause
he actually gives a shit.

If I didn't get off my ass
and get a job,

Keith was going to dump me.

By the way, I noticed that
my so-called real friends

never offered me a job.

[Summerhayes yelling]
Are you fucking shitting me?!

You two!

In here, now!

Come in, sit down.

Show them what you showed me.

I already did, Ted.

You knew about this
and you never said anything?

Well, we just thought it was...

It's just a mannerism. It's
really not that big of a deal.

Especially
in this day and age.

I know it's not a big deal!

Two of my sons are gay,
for Christ's sake!

And the third one's just...
working it out.

But I can't go into
meetings like this.

No wonder they're not
interested in the merger.

They're so flippin' distracted,

they haven't heard
a word I've said.

We don't know that you've been
doing this everywhere. I...

As far as we know, you just
did it in today's meeting.

I'd never seen it before.

- Really?
- [door opens]

I've got the conference link.

[TV blips]

This merger will allow us

to further enhance
our capital efficiencies.

- Look at you.
- Oh, God...

Air-dicking left and right.

There are companies out there
who want to get bigger.

There are companies out
there who want to get smaller.

You just air-dicked four times
in ten seconds.

Oh, dear God, it's true.

On the other hand,
to support everything we do...

Oh, God! Now it looks like
I'm cupping the balls.

...with knowledge and planning.

[Summerhayes] Oh!

Hey, you're double-dongin' it.

...is the company
that can do both.

Oh, God. Get it... Turn it off.

- Some people say...
- [TV blips]

Okay, from this point forward

Stanicky is in charge
of the merger.

What? Ted, come on.

I've been running point on this
for nine months.

Yeah, and look where
it's gotten us.

He's been here one day and...

- Watch the air-dicking, Ted.
- Jesus...! [mutters]

Here's the bottom line.

Stanicky gives it
to me straight,

whether the news
is good or bad.

He's in charge.
End of discussion.

Oh, Jesus. Okay,
just make it go away. Just...

- Yep.
- Go to black.

- Oh, er...
- Just go to black.

[Philip] Yeah,
I'm pressing it but it's not...

- Give it to me.
- Yeah, try...

I don't know how
to work this thing.

- No, I know.
- Is there an IT guy?

- That's me.
- Argh, fuck!

Oh, Dean... [exhales heavily]

Despite what Ted said
back there,

about me being in charge,

I don't pretend to know more
about this company than you.

Well, I pretend
to know more than you,

but you are clearly

more informed
in company matters than me

and right now
I need your expertize.

What?

I don't want to forget this.
Okay...

[cell phone beeping]

How big of a raise
should I be asking for?

Fuck, fuck, fuck!

[Rod whimpering]

You're quitting! Today!

- What are you talking about?
- Show's over, Rod.

It's Ricky.

It's not Ricky, okay? Get it
through your head, man.

Ricky Stanicky isn't real.

Yes, he is. Here.

Richard Barbara Stanicky?

That's my grandmother's name.

Where the fuck
did you get this?

Officially changed my name.

Paid to expedite it online.
They overnighted it.

Oh, my God.

Come on, Dean.
See this from my side.

This is the role I was born
to play and I'm nailing it.

No, you were hired
under false pretences.

You lied to them.

No, as I recall, Dean,
you lied to them.

Oh, ha, ha, ha.
You got me there. [claps]

But you know what?
This is different.

You're putting
people's careers at risk.

Careers?

I've been here two days
and I'm your boss.

I'm talking about
Erin's career!

You can fool Summerhayes
with this righteous shit.

But I know who you really are.

You're Rock Hard Rod!
The drunk.

Yeah. [sniffles]

I was a drunk.

Nobody respected me. My job
sucked. I had no friends.

But now I have
all those things.

And I'm sober. All right?

And if I leave here,
it all goes away.

My whole life, all I've
ever been is a shit baby.

[poignant music]

And now I get to be somebody
people actually like.

Don't take that away
from me, man. Please.

Look, this has to end.

- [crashing]
- [grunting]

What the fuck are you doing?
Stop! Stop! Hey, hey!

- [slapping]
- Argh! Hey, okay!

If I go back, they'll kill me.
If I go back, they'll kill me.

What?!

If I go back to Atlantic City,
they'll kill me.

- Who?
- The Sasquatch

and his Joe Pesce buddy
from the casino.

I told you
they were crazy fans.

They're crazy.
They're not fans.

Why? What did you do?

I don't know.

I used to drink and black out,
it could be anything.

One day I woke up
after a five-day bender,

I was a manager of an Arby's.

Plus, I owe a lot of bad people
a lot of money.

[scoffs lightly]

You were right, man.

It's my fault.

It's... it's my fault.

Wow.

I had everything.

I had good friends.
I had a great job.

The most kind-hearted,

beautiful person
in the whole world loved me.

[sighs heavily]

Erin's the best thing
that ever happened to me.

I'm going to lose it all.

[door opens and closes]

♪ She gave you flowers ♪

♪ She gave you
Pretty melodies... ♪

I'll never understand why you
don't just tell her the truth.

I think it's a little late
for that, Wes.

No, it's not.

[TV reporter] That was
Steve Smith in Washington.

And tomorrow night at 7 p.m.

we present
our Hero of the Week.

Seconds on steak fries?
Uh, yeah!

[up-tempo jingle plays]

[announcer]
Visit your local Red Robin

to try our new
bottomless steak fries.

I swear to God, man,

Stanicky's like one of
those trick birthday candles -

no matter how hard
I try to blow him out,

he just keeps coming back.

Dean, I love you
like a brother,

but you got one major flaw.

Hmm?

You lie too much.

I lie too much?

What the...?

You lie just as much as me.

Only 'cause you make me.

I've been trying
to tell the truth on this one

from the beginning,

but you said no.

Because I was looking out
for JT.

I didn't want JT
to get in trouble.

Dude, this has
nothing to do with JT.

This has everything
to do with you.

Do you realize that Rod had a
fake life and he made it real?

You had a real life
and you made it fake.

Fuck this, man.
I don't need this shit.

You're not making
anything better.

Yo, I know you ain't
fall in no ditch.

What?

I know you didn't fall in
a ditch, that one Halloween.

When you broke your arm.

After we egged that house,

and we all split
in different directions,

I went back to your place
to see if you was there,

and you were.

And I heard him.

I heard what he did to you.

That was an accident.
He was drunk.

See, there you go again.
You're lying.

Dude, I understand you
grew up in a fucked-up house

and you had
a fucked-up father,

and that's why you slept over
at me and JT's house,

and that's probably why
you started a lie.

To protect yourself.

But you're not
that boy anymore,

and you're letting
this shitty stuff

turn you into a shitty person,
and that's not you.

If you just tell Erin
the truth,

she won't hurt you.

[slow mellow music]

[car accelerating]

["Paint a Lady"
by Susan Christie plays]

♪ Night has fallen quickly
On the carnival in town ♪

♪ The cotton candy maker ♪

♪ Is the last
To leave the ground ♪

♪ Shuts his tiny wagon ♪

♪ And goes to
A room somewhere ♪

♪ His life's
Like cotton candy ♪

♪ An illusion
Not much there... ♪

Hey. Where were you?

I was worried about you.

I tried to call you.

Listen, Erin...

...you can't let them
run your story.

Yeah, well, it's a little
too late for that.

No, you don't understand.

Is there a way that you can
postpone it or pre-empt it?

Is that what they say
in your business? 'Pre-empt'?

'Cause there's a lot of things

that you need to know
about Ricky.

You mean Rock Hard Rod?

Don't look so surprised, Dean.

I'm a good reporter, you
said so yourself, remember?

Yeah, I know you are.

I figured it out at the bris.

Nairobi?

You said he had to fly back
to help fight Ebola,

but there hasn't been
an Ebola case

anywhere in the last four years

and definitely never
in Nairobi.

They actually have
a vaccine now.

That's good.

Ricky showed me your bible.

It's pathetic.

You guys lied so you could

go to
the Little League World Series,

the Lebowski Fest,
a tiny train museum.

Wes likes trains.

You went to Dollywood, twice!

Why didn't you take me
with you? I love Dolly Parton.

I'm sorry. I didn't know that.

What bothers me more
than the lies

is why you told them
in the first place.

You were running from me.

From us.

No. No, that's not true.

Well, it doesn't matter
anymore, Dean.

It's too late.

[soft pensive music]

[Wes] I just want
this day to be over.

Me too.

What if he chickened out? What
if he's going to bail on us?

Where is Dean?

He's, uh, on his...
He'll be here any minute.

And where is Ricky?

The World River execs
want to meet him.

Also on his way.
His attaché is here, so...

Hi.

[gentle classical music plays]

[Summerhayes] So,
where were we?

[downbeat music]

[sighing]

[JT] Hey!

Where the hell
have you been?

The show starts
in three minutes.

Summerhayes wants Ricky
to introduce it.

- Where is this guy?
- There's no show.

What?

Ricky was never
going to be Hero of the Week.

Erin knew all along.

Knew what?

That Ricky was a fake.
She figured it out at the bris.

So she was lying to us?

Well, that's pretty
fuckin' low.

Are you an idiot?

What are we going to tell
Summerhayes?

The truth.

Dean, come on.
Don't do that. Dean!

[Summerhayes]
Good evening, everyone.

Thank you all for coming out.
Thank you.

- [applause]
- Thank you.

I see a lot of old friends
out here tonight,

and a lot of new friends.

And I see two great companies

that can...

...can, uh,
do wonderful things.

I was hoping that the man
of the hour, Ricky Stanicky,

would be here to introduce
this MFMBC Heroes segment.

- Ted, can I say something?
- Yes, absolutely. Yes, please.

Dean Stanton,

our Vice President
of Investor Relations.

Dean.

[applause]

Um...

Unfortunately,
MFMBC has decided

not to profile
Ricky Stanicky as a hero.

- Ha...
- [guests whispering]

The reason being...

...that Ricky Stanicky's
not a hero.

He's not even a real person.

I made him up.

Motherfucker!

[guests murmuring]

I lied to all of you.

And I have no excuses.

I'm sorry, Ted.

You don't deserve this.

I'd also like to
apologize to everyone

who came out here
from San Francisco.

Summerhayes Financial
is an excellent company.

Please don't let
my actions destroy

what could be
a great partnership.

[guests murmuring]

What the fuck did he just say?

[whispers] I don't know
what to do.

[Leona] I told you...

[Susan] Where is that
pumpkin-headed piece of shit?

I don't get it.

If the show wasn't for real,

then why'd the news crew
come in?

- What news crew?
- Yesterday.

While you were at lunch,

this crew came in
and interviewed Ricky.

I helped
set the whole thing up.

Dean, don't worry about
cleaning out your office.

We'll box it up for ya...

and then burn it.

[indistinct arguing]

[Stan Grant] I'm standing
outside the offices

of Summerhayes Financial,

an esteemed institution

in downtown Providence,
Rhode Island.

And that
is Richard Barbara Stanicky.

Think of us as the bookies
and you're the gambler.

We're the nice bookies, not the
throw-you-off-the bridge type.

[Stan Grant] After several
years helping the less...

Why the hell is this still on?!

[Stan Grant] ...charity,
he's now the newest

and one of the most
highly paid executives

at Summerhayes Financial.

Where's the AV guy?

- Oh, that's me.
- I thought you were the IT guy.

I'm both.

[remote buzzes]

[Stan Grant] But there's
something you should know

about this highly successful
executive.

He's a complete fraud.

I'm Ted Summerhayes...

[Stan Grant] That's right.

Ricky Stanicky
is actually Rodney Rimestead,

a pornographic
rock'n'roll impersonator

from Atlantic City, New Jersey,

who goes by the name
of Rock Hard Rod.

We caught up with Mr. Rimestead
to find out how he came to be

the businessman
'Ricky Stanicky'.

I was hanging around
a casino bar in Atlantic City.

No money, no friends,
no respect.

I was an alcoholic.

I am... I am an alcoholic.

And I was doing
whatever I could to get by.

♪ Cum a, cum a, cum a
Come in my sock again ♪

♪ It's filled with loads ♪

Oh, God.

♪ It's filled with loads... ♪

And that night, I met
Dean Stanton and his friends.

They bought me food, drink.

They asked me who I was,
they really seemed to care.

And as Rod would discover,
they did care.

[car approaching]

[Wes] Dean!

You got to see this!

Within days,
Dean Stanton and his friends

would reach out again.

I couldn't believe they called.

These are people
I met only once

and only for a few minutes,

and here they were offering me
the opportunity of a lifetime.

And what was that opportunity?

Simply to become
'Ricky Stanicky'.

[Rod] They said, "You are
no longer Rod Rimestead,

"the loser.

"From here on out, you're
Ricky Stanicky, the winner."

That was the first time

somebody had ever
believed in me.

[Stan Grant] After relocating
Rod, now Ricky, to Providence,

Dean Stanton and friends set
about creating a new identity

for the man who'd once MC'ed
an X-rated dog show.

We caution you -

this next video may be
disturbing to some viewers.

♪ It's a beautiful night

♪ All the stars
Shining bright... ♪

[guests exclaiming]

[Carly] Oh, my God!

[laughing]

They gave me a book.
They called it their bible.

It was like a blueprint for how
to live as Ricky Stanicky.

How to live a good life.

How to learn from your errors.

I saw what I could have been.

What I'd missed.

And the more and more
I read their bible,

the more I realized

this doesn't have to be
just a dream.

[Stan Grant] And so 'Ricky'
stopped drinking

and started respecting himself.

Soon he had a job here
at Summerhayes Financial.

Dean introduced me
to Ted Summerhayes.

He's one of those rich guys

who's gotta whip out
his big swinging super-yacht

- to show you how rich he is.
- Oh, God...

But, on the other hand,
the guy's got a heart of gold.

We started Feel-Good Investing.

And then, through Dean,
I met more and more friends.

I met a beautiful girl,
with a beautiful soul.

Aw.

And I had a life.

I became 'Ricky Stanicky'.

And somewhere
in the middle of it all,

the line between the mythical
and the real had blurred.

And that's how, improbably,
a drunken Atlantic City reject

found himself blessed with
a new life in the Ocean State.

Hero? Me? No. No.

If there's a hero
to this story,

it's the men
who saved my life.

Dean Stanton, JT Levine
and Wes... something.

[Stan Grant] A story that
started out fraudulently,

somehow, miraculously,

became a tale of
redemption, rebirth and love.

Because he believed
that anybody at any time

can become
the person they want to be,

we choose Ricky Stanicky
as our Hero of the Week.

[cheering and applause]

[guests chanting] Ricky!
Ricky! Ricky!

♪ If you're going to
San Francisco... ♪

Well...

you came out of this smelling
like a rose, didn't ya?

How do you think
it makes me look?

Are you kidding me?!

Such a wonderful
and inspirational story, Ted.

Great job Ted,
and you too, Dean.

Oh, I... I didn't do it.

Summerhayes. I like the people
you surround yourself with.

I mean, the concept
of second chances

and feeling good
about your investments -

that's something
we're trying to achieve.

Well, that's... what we do.

Truth is, it was Ted
who saw the potential in Ricky.

It was also his idea
to start partnering

with more charitable
organizations.

- I just saw the tax incentives.
- [executives laugh]

You're a humble
son of a bitch, aren't ya?

Ah...

So, do we have a deal?

I don't know.

Dean, what do you think?

We have a deal.

- Absolutely, we have a deal.
- Yeah, we have a deal.

- Great.
- Wonderful.

You let your made-up friend
circumcise our child?

Honey, he worked
at Beefsteak Charlie's.

Beefsteak...

That is it.

You are camping out
in the backyard

for the next six months.

Okay. Okay.

Very reasonable.
That's more than fair.

It's going to be great.
Thank you.

- [woman] Perfect.
- [Summerhayes] Thank you.

I don't understand.

How did this happen?

Well...

When I found out
what you did, I was pissed.

I told you I sold the story to
MFMBC just to fuck with you.

But when Ricky was hired
at Summerhayes, I thought,

wait a minute, maybe there
actually is a story here.

So I pitched it
to my producer at Channel 6.

They told their friend
at MFMBC

and they gave me
the green light.

All those lies, Erin...

Can you ever forgive me?

It's definitely not
going to be easy.

But...

...this helps.

[Dean on recording]
I had everything.

I had good friends.
I had a great job.

The most kind-hearted,

beautiful person
in the whole world loved me.

[heavy sighing]

Erin's the best thing
that ever happened to me.

[cell phone clicks]

Ricky sent it to me today.

Here we go, here we go,
here we go...

Who's that?

[tense music]

[shouting] Ricky! Look out!

[tense music swells]

- [Dean grunts]
- [thudding]

Did that go how you
thought it would, wanker?!

Here, Rimestead!
You've officially been served.

What the...?

What's this?

This is a cease-and-desist
order from Billy Idol.

Yeah?

If you disgrace
any of his songs

with your disgusting lyrics
ever again,

we'll see you in court.

Huh?

Yeah.

So Billy Idol saw my act?

Fuck off!

Sweet!

More champagne, everyone!

[guests cheering]

Billy Idol!

["I'm Depending On You"
by Otis Redding plays]

♪ I'm depending on you ♪

♪ Everything that you do ♪

♪ And I'm depending on you ♪

♪ Yeah, to see me through ♪

♪ You know that I love you... ♪

Is this Al Green?

It's Otis Redding.

Was Otis Redding blind?

- No.
- You sure?

- He sounds blind.
- He does sound blind.

He wasn't...

I'll take a... cranberry juice.

Neat. And a plate
of your crispiest calamari.

- Epic night, am I right, guys?
- [all] Yeah.

[Carly] Ricky! Get over here.

[Wes] Oh!

Time to go bump and grind
with my fiancée.

You're kidding, right?

Yeah.

But I don't know,
who knows, right?

Oh, hey,
keep Saturday afternoon open.

We got a ton of work to do.

- Work on a Saturday?
- Yeah, I signed us up.

We're going to help
clean up Narragansett Bay.

[laughing]

Yeah, man.

I'm not messing with you.
We're cleaning that shit up.

[Wes] Man.

To Ricky Stanicky.

To Ricky Stanicky.

The best friend we ever had.

[bottles clinking]

["I'm Depending On You"
fades out]

[The Lemon Twigs] ♪ In my head
In my head ♪

♪ I am different in my head ♪

♪ I am someone else instead ♪

♪ In my head
In my head ♪

♪ In my mind
In my mind ♪

♪ There is sadness
All the time ♪

♪ And I keep the things
I find ♪

♪ In my mind
In my mind ♪

♪ And never do I share
These things with anyone ♪

♪ The feeling is cold
And I'm afraid ♪

♪ Strangers passing, mmm ♪

♪ In my dream
In my dream ♪

♪ There are symbols
That repeat ♪

♪ There are copies
In the street ♪

♪ In my dream
In my dream ♪

♪ And never do I share
These things with anyone ♪

♪ The feeling is cold
And I'm afraid ♪

♪ Strangers passing, mmm. ♪

[song ends]

["Day In The Sun" plays]

[song by John Cafferty
& The Beaver Brown Band]

♪ Well, now, my engine's
Overheating ♪

♪ A summer traffic jam ♪

♪ I'll be late for work again ♪

♪ But I'm doing
The best that I can ♪

♪ Don't you look away, baby ♪

♪ My life just ain't
What it seems ♪

♪ I got such big dreams, baby ♪

♪ My heart's busting
At the seams ♪

♪ Everybody wants
A day in the sun ♪

♪ Like gold tequila
Shooting summer fun ♪

♪ I wanna be your number one ♪

♪ Your son of a gun ♪

♪ Everybody wants
A day in the sun ♪

♪ Don't try to tell me
That my race is run ♪

♪ Nothing's over, baby
Nothing done ♪

♪ 'Til we have won
Everybody wants one ♪

♪ Day in the sun ♪

♪ Day in the sun
With you, baby ♪

♪ Day in the sun with you ♪

♪ Day in the sun with you ♪

♪ Piece of work
In progress, baby ♪

♪ But I'm trying not
To let it show ♪

♪ You're my dream
Come true, baby ♪

♪ A dream I can't let go ♪

♪ Everybody wants
A day in the sun ♪

♪ Like gold tequila
Shooting summer fun ♪

♪ I wanna be your number one ♪

♪ Your son of a gun ♪

♪ Everybody wants
A day in the sun ♪

♪ Don't try to tell me
That my race is run ♪

♪ Nothing's over, baby
Nothing done ♪

♪ 'Til we have won
Everybody wants one ♪

♪ Day in the sun ♪

♪ Day in the sun
With you, baby ♪

♪ Day in the sun with you ♪

♪ Day in the sun
With you, baby ♪

♪ Day in the sun with you ♪

♪ Day in the sun with you ♪

♪ Day in the sun
With you, baby ♪

♪ Day in the sun with you ♪

♪ Day in the sun
With you, baby ♪

♪ Day in the sun with you. ♪

[song ends]

Before I get to that,
I would like to say this.

♪ I like bigger, I like smaller
I can do both ♪

♪ I like dinosaurs
And I like woke ♪

♪ That's what we have to do ♪

♪ Some people say you can't
But you, and you, me ♪

♪ All of us
Together we can stand ♪

♪ We'll have bigger
We'll have smaller ♪

♪ We can do both
Do both ♪

♪ We like dinosaurs ♪

♪ And we like woke
Like woke ♪

♪ To heck with the naysayers ♪

♪ I say we can ♪

♪ We will be able to narrow
Maintain and expand ♪

♪ We are sharks ♪

♪ Why? ♪

♪ If we don't move forward
We die ♪

♪ We'll have bigger
We'll have smaller ♪

♪ We can do both
Do both ♪

♪ We like dinosaurs ♪

♪ And we like woke
Like woke ♪

♪ To heck with the naysayers ♪

♪ I say we can ♪

♪ We will be able to narrow
Maintain and expand ♪

♪ We can do both. ♪