All language subtitles for The.Mick.S02E18.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.x265.10bit.AAC.5.1-Qman[UTR]_track3_[eng]

She's coming in hot.
She's The Mick.

-Yaah!
-I just built that.

It didn't take.

Catch all-new episodes Tuesdays.

And check out our other Fox
programs-- Brooklyn Nine-Nine,

The Last Man on Earth and
Ghosted.

I don't really know how
to do any of this stuff.

Only on Fox.

My God.

-I-I-I weep for our future.
-Pathetic.

When did Ben get a phone?

I upgraded mine,
so I gave him my old one.

No. Absolutely not.
I didn't sign off on that.

Hey, that's mine.

Not anymore.

(gasps) What the hell
is wrong with you?

-I don't like it.
-Phones?

Uh, phones, computers,
the-the pads,

the cloud, you know,
the Internet.

-N-None of it. I don't like it.
-You sound senile.

All right, well, if living
in the real world is senile,

then I am Liza Minnelli.

(scoffs) Real world blows.

I can't wait till I'm hooked up
to an I.V. drip

just hammering
VR porn stars 24/7.

ALBA:
Ah, Chip.

You don't mean that.
The world is full of excitement.

Just look around you.

Oh, yeah, like what?

Oh, like, uh...

Oh, politics and pranks, uh,
celebrity interviews,

-cooking competitions.
-What are you doing?

You're just naming stuff on TV.

Listen, guys, it's a
beautiful day. Let's go outside.

Yeah, right. It's, like,

a thousand frickin'
degrees outside.

And God forbid we feel something
or have a human interaction.

I have human interactions
all the time.

Later today, I'm meeting up
with some guy I met online.

-(chuckles) Probably a nerd.
-Or a pervert.

He's neither, actually.

He's a sick tattoo artist
and he's coming over

to give me some fresh new ink.

Are you sure he's not
a sick new murderer

coming over to turn
your skin into a cape?

Yeah, you know,
maybe Mickey's right.

I feel like the whole point
of the Internet

is so you don't
have to meet people.

You know, you can just live your
whole life inside a computer.

No. That wasn't the point
I was making at all.

Th-The point is,
put your phones down.

Look up, get outside,
have an experience.

Getting a tattoo
is an experience.

I don't know, I'm thinking maybe
a power fist with nail polish.

Yes, please put that
on your body forever.

Found her.

-Found who?
-My car.

Thought she got stolen,
turns out she's at the impound.

Want to come?

Yes, I do.
You're coming with me, Ben.

Let's get out of here before
these two get chopped to bits

-by some nerd pervert.
-Yeah.

Yeah, right.
A day with you

is way more dangerous
than anything online.

MICKEY:
Ugh, it's hot as hell out here.

Yeah, my shorts are pulling up.

Why are we even here, Jimmy?
Just buy a new car.

Or we got a whole fleet
of luxury vehicles at home.

Yeah, I don't need a new car.
Mine runs just fine.

Got a thousand memories
in the ol' Blue Magoose.

My memories consist mostly
of you running me over with it.

You don't put something
out to pasture

when it's still
in its prime, okay?

Now, I know she may not look it,
but this kitty can still--

Whoa!

MICKEY:
What are you doing?

-Yo, Officer, is this for sale?
-Everything's for sale.

She is a beaut,
tell you that much.

-How many miles we working with?
-273,000.

Still, that price
can't be right. Only 900 bucks?

I mean, what's the catch?

I'm thinking these bullet holes
have something to do with it.

You would be correct.

ALBA:
Chip, can I...?

-Hey, what are you doing?
-Nothing. Beat it.

-Hey, stop! That's private.
-What is this?

Nothing.
I make doodles sometimes.

That was a doodle I did.

Oh, well, this doodle
looks very similar

to a tattoo Sabrina described.

(scoffs) Nah.

-Nah?
-(weakly): Nah.

Well, I think yes.
I think something smells fishy.

Well, I think
you're an idiot, so...

Eh, maybe.

I'll go see what Sabrina thinks.

No! Fine! Okay, just... (sighs)

Promise me that you
will not tell Sabrina.

Oh, I already like where this
is going. Okay. Let's go.

(sighs)

I am Sabrina's tattoo artist.

Marcus Lella, Ink Well Boston.
I made him up.

You catfish your sister?

No. What? What is wrong
with you? Ew.

Um, I made a fake profile to get
closer to her friend Holly.

I just want to find out,
you know, her likes,

-her interests,
what turns her on.
-Uh-huh.

Anything I can use.

Creepy.

I made a bunch
of different personas,

but Marcus is the one that just
really, really broke through.

-Hmm.
-Beautiful black man,

silver tongue,
a million fake followers.

Oh. (chuckles)

This is delicious.

Oh, Sabrina is gonna destroy you
when she finds out.

Yeah, okay.
She's not gonna find out

'cause Marcus
is gonna die of AIDS.

-Wh-What?
-Yeah.

My cover's basically blown.

I told her the only days
I was available

was the days that she was out
of town. She cancels her trip.

Now I have to give her
a tattoo today.

But why AIDS?

It makes sense.
He's a baller tattoo artist.

He works with needles
and he gets laid a lot.

Okay, Chip. No.
You can't kill this guy.

It is too good.

Pay me $200 and I will help you
keep Marcus alive.

Nope. No, thanks. Go.

Let me rephrase that.

For $200 I won't tell Sabrina
that you are Marcus.

JIMMY:
Yeah!

Ben, feel that rumble
in your balls?

-It kind of hurts.
-Yeah?

-They'll toughen up
once you work 'em over.
-Okay.

That'll do with the ball talk.

Can we get back
on the highway, please?

I'm telling you, Mick.
You should take the wheel.

-This broad can really salsa.
-I don't know what that means.

Well, if you were feeling
what I'm feeling,

you'd know
exactly what it means.

If we switch places,
will you stop talking?

-I'd consider it.
-Okay. Pull over.

Mm-hmm.

-Now, she can be a little nasty
coming out of first.
-Yeah.

-So you're gonna want to be
gentle but also firm.
-Right.

-It's locked.
-This one, too.

Ben. Little help.

It's locked.

Oh, good.

Where are we,
the surface of the sun?

-Am I in danger?
-What?

No. No, no, no, no, no.

You're good. We're just
playing a little game.

-What's the game?
-Eh...

Uh, cops and criminals.

We're the cops,
you're the criminal.

-What did I do?
-Well, fire stuff, obviously.

Right? You, uh,
you burned down a high-rise

and collected
the insurance money. You...

Yeah, then you took out 40 cops
trying to escape.

-Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
-(imitates gunfire)

Yeah, yeah. That'll do.

So, should we grab, like, a rock
and start-start smashing or...

Oh, no, no, no, no.

You're not smashing her.
She's brand-new.

This thing has
270,000 miles on it.

She's probably unsmashable.

I mean, this thing's
built like a tank.

Okay, so what do you want to do?

You just want to sit back
and watch him cook

-like a bunny in a microwave?
-No, of course not.

One of us should probably
huff it into the town

and get a hanger.

It's built like a tank,

but you can get into it
with a coat hanger?

I get it. Okay, you know what?

Why don't you just sit here

and keep looking pretty,
Your Majesty,

while I fix the problem?

Take care of my baby,
and Ben, too.

Good luck, Bear Grylls.

Okay, buddy. Time to smash.

All right, buddy, scoot over

and duck.

(screaming)

Ow!

Oh, boy.

(groans)

Are you okay?

I'm okay.

Fun game!

(whimpers)

Sabrina, I want to talk to you
about your friend Marcus.

You mean the guy
Chip's pretending to be online?

Wha-- You already knew this?

Yeah, he left his laptop open.

And no black guy
says "frickin'" that much.

So, uh, why do you keep
talking to him?

'Cause I'm trying to back him
into a corner

and force him to confess.

But the dude just keeps doubling
down. It's crazy.

What if I told you
there was a way

you could completely
destroy him?

Obviously, I'd be interested.

Then I will tell you for $200.

Yeah. No, thanks.

I'll stick to my original plan.

Oh, okay. I understand.

I-I'm just gonna go tell Chip
to get out before it's too late.

All right, Alba.
Come on. Fine.

(sighs)
Here.

Okay. Holly is the key.

Chip created Marcus
to get to her.

-Holly?
-Mm.

Come on. Are you serious?
But she's so lame.

Well, you must out Chip
in front of her.

Yeah, I mean,
that'll destroy him for sure.

I'm into it, but... I-I just
can't wrap my head around

this Holly thing.

It's like, I have
way hotter friends.

I'm enough. I'm in shape.

I have a good body.
I'm a good boy.

-MAN: Excuse me.
-Oh?

You snuck up on me there, guy.

Yeah, sorry. These electric cars
run pretty quiet.

You look like you could use
some help.

Hey, why won't you do me a favor
and go look somewhere else?

You sure?
It's, uh, pretty hot out.

Yeah, I'm sure, Mr. Robot.

Go ahead and drive
your little golf car

back to the future.

I'm an American man.

Hey, Chip. Great news.

-You threw her off my scent?
-Nah.

I'm still working on that.

But also, Holly is downstairs.

What? W-Why? Why?

I-I don't know.
But hey, I get it, man.

She's very pretty.

No. This is not good.

I got to get out of here.

No, hey. What are you
talking about?

The whole point was
to get Holly here,

-and now she's here.
-No.

-I got to kill him right now.
-Ay, no. Chip.

Forget about Marcus.
You are Marcus.

Marcus is a very ripped,
handsome black man.

Okay, listen. Sure, sure,

his looks got her in the door,

but she stayed for you.

You know, she liked your words.
She laughed at your jokes.

-You know what?
-Yeah.

Maybe you're right.
This is my moment.

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

You know, the table is set.

All you have to do is
sit down and eat.

I'm gonna frickin' feast.

Ah, yeah.
Such a loser.

(grunting)
Come on, you bastard.

Come on.

Open for me, you bitch.

Open sesame. Come on!

Ah, you stupid, stupid machine!

(panting)

Aunt Mickey, I'm bored.

Can we play a different game?

Yeah. You got it, bud.

Just give me a second to gather
my thoughts, okay?

(grunting)

Ah. (laughs) I did it.

I did this.

I penetrated
the impenetrable machine!

I'm a hero! I save lives!

(laughs hysterically)

Oh, yes!

Stand back, buddy, okay?

Coming in the back door.
Hang on.

-Here we go. You standing back?
-BEN: Uh-huh!

Look out, I'm on my way.

Blasting through.

(grunting)

Damn it.

BEN:
Uh, Aunt Mickey?

Are you in the trunk?

Yes, Ben. Yes, I am.

BEN: Aunt Mickey,
are you still there?

Yep.

Just reflecting on all the
choices that landed me here.

-(phone chiming)
-What was that?

-What was that noise?
-Oh, it's your phone.

My phone? Can you see it?
Who is it? Is it help?

(chiming)

Your wireless bill is past due.

I know it is! It always is!

Okay, Ben, we got to get that
phone. It's our only hope.

-Move out of the way.
-Why?

'Cause I'm coming in.
(grunting)

Hey, guys. Don't mind me.

I'm just grabbing
an alkaline water.

Just finished
a brutal Pilates sesh.

You do Pilates?

No, he does not.

You don't know what I do
and what I don't do.

-(exhales)
-I mean, I love Pilates, too.

-Really? But you've...
-Mm-hmm.

...you got such
a lean, toned body.

Well, yeah,
it's 'cause of the Pilates.

-(both chuckle)
-Right.

Kind of like the classic
chicken and egg sitch.

What came first?

Body or the Pilates,
Pilates or the body?

-Dear God.
-(laughs)

-You're funny.
-Uh...

You're the one
telling the jokes.

-Right. I'm funny, too.
-(laughs)

We have a lot in common.

I can't handle this anymore.
I'm gonna explode his ass.

Wait, no, no, no.
Wait, you can't do that.

-Why not?
-Well, don't you get it?

He's starting
to climb the mountain.

The higher he gets,
the harder he will fall.

Don't you want him to fall hard?

-Yes. Yes, I want that.
-Okay.

-Yeah.
-All right, fine.

-We'll let him dig himself
a little deeper.
-Yeah.

-(doorbell rings)
-You know what?

I'm gonna get that because
I'm the man of the house,

but it's been really cool
talking to you.

Yeah.

Hey, is Sabrina home?

Who are you?

I'm Marcus.

Uh...

I think I'm almost there.

Can you see this?

Yeah, is that your fingers?

MICKEY:
You're damn right it is.

I'm coming in!

(grunts)

Oh, wow.

A lot hotter up here.

(grunts)

(straining)

Okay.

All right, I'm stuck.

I'm gonna need some help.

How?

Wrap your arms around my neck
like a football,

and yank as hard
as you can, okay?

You got this.

Three, two, one.

(both grunting)

All right! Stop!

Oh. All right.

(screaming)

(panting)

Okay, this is as far
as I can go.

I'm gonna need you to take it
into the end zone. Okay.

No, no, no! Get-- don't...

But don't touch me
anymore, okay?

Okay. We're not doing football
any-- that's my fault.

We're not doing football.

We're switching sports.

-We're on to fishing.
-How do we do that?

Well, for starters,
we're gonna need a fishing rod.

So I want you to close your eyes
and help me take off my bra.

(snores)

Oh, hey.

You're up.

(grunts)
Who the hell are you?

I'm Gary.

You, uh, passed out
on the road back there.

What are you talk...

Whoa, are you tickling me, man?

Oh, no. That's the seat.

You've got
the massage function on.

-Massage function?
-Now, don't worry.

We'll be at the hospital
pretty soon,

-and they'll fix you right up.
-Oh, no.

I'm not going
to any hospital, all right?

I got a car situation.

I need, like,
a-a slim jim or something.

Oh. I'm sorry, I don't have one.

Uh, but I'm sure
we can find one.

Computer, what's the nearest
auto body shop?

COMPUTER: Displaying matches
for "auto body shop."

This car just kind of does
everything for you, huh?

Pretty cool, right?

Yeah. Yeah, it's pretty cool.

Till it gets sick of you
barking commands at it

and slams your ass into a wall.

Ha! Right.

I guess I'll take my chances.

L-Look, look, man, I'm kind of
in a rush, all right?

So I don't know if this
spacecraft has another gear,

-but if you could punch it...
-Well...

Sure thing.

(car whirring)

Oh...

Whoa.

-Who the hell is this guy?
-Oh.

He's a prostitute
I found online.

Pretty good, right?

No, not good.

He looks nothing like my Marcus.

-Well, oh, he doesn't
seem to mind.
-Yeah.

That's the problem, okay?

I-I can't compete with that.

Oh, Chip.

You need to see
the bigger picture.

If Marcus is here and you are
here, then you can't be Marcus.

I did you a favor. Now,

you got a chance to get the girl
and get away clean.

-CHIP: Okay. Let's do this.
-Mm-hmm.

The ultimate showdown:
creator versus creation.

Mind versus body.

Superior intellect versus
hulking physical strength.

Yes. Yes to all
of those things.

Now, go get Holly.

Go, go.

(sighs)

So, what's up, guys?

-(groans)
-Hmm?

I can't believe
that little troll hired somebody

-to play Marcus.
-Yeah.

As if no one would notice a
completely different black guy.

(laughs)

Oh, yeah,
Chip is very racist, yeah.

-(exhales)
-You know,

-you need to turn up the heat.
-How?

Every time I get him against
the ropes, he finds a way

to wiggle his stupid
little body out.

Well, by, uh...

Ooh. By pushing fake Marcus
and Holly closer together.

-Damn. I like that.
-Yeah.

-Mm-hmm.
-You're pretty good at this,
Alba.

Mm, well, I try.

Marcus, was it? You said
you're a tattoo artist?

Yeah, well, you know, I'm an
artist first and foremost,

-but I do like tattoos.
-(laughs)

Yeah.

This one, I, uh, I got it
when my grandma died.

(gasps)

-Oh.
-Yeah.
-SABRINA: Holly.

Uh-- I'm sorr-- weren't you
saying that you wanted a tattoo?

Oh, I don't know.
I really want one,

I just wouldn't know
where to put it.

Oh, well, I'm sure
Marcus could show you where

-to put it. I mean...
-Oh, yeah. Most definitely.

Why don't you two just go up
to my room and, you know,

do a little free consultation
or whatever?

Yeah. No.

Or we could, you know,
keep down here.

Keep rapping
on the current events.

Yeah, no, I'm straight.

Let's roll, Holly.

Holly, wait.

That's not the real Marcus.

I'm the real Marcus.

-What?
-Marcus Lella
of Ink Well Boston.

I built an online persona
to get closer to you.

What are you talking about?

It wasn't Marcus who commented

on your bikini pics,
saying "Get it, girl."

Marcus didn't DM you, uh,

well wishes after you had
your wisdom teeth pulled out.

I did. Now, listen,
I know I'm not

nearly as big and black
as he is, but I promise you,

if you just give me a chance,
I promise I can make you happy.

You're Marcus?

(laughs)

It's hilarious, right?

I've been trying to smoke
this little perv out for weeks.

Finally got him.

Wait. You knew about this?

And you were just gonna
let me hook up with...

Trey.

-Yeah, my real name's Trey.
-(exhales)

Oh, my God.

Both of you,
stay the hell away from me.

-MICKEY: Did you get it?
-No.

Should I try
pulling you in again?

No, nope. That ship has sailed.

I had to take my bottoms off
to beat the heat.

Look, it's all you, now, okay?

So take a deep breath and focus.

(grunts)

Oh, no...

-Oh! I got something.
-You did?

Reel it in.

(grunts)
I can't, it's stuck.

Pull harder, Ben.

(grunts)

What's happening?
Are we moving?

-Yep.
-Oh, God, no, that's not good.

All right, okay, don't panic.

Just cross your fingers
and hope we slam into something.

-BEN: Whee! We're flying.
-MICKEY: Yeah.

What's going on
behind us, buddy?

Can you give me
the play-by-play?

Uh, there's a big open field,

and stuff's going by real fast.

Uh, how fast?
'Cause it feels pretty fast.

-Um, really fast.
-Are we headed towards anything?

-There's some grass.
-Oh, that's-- grass is good.

-Gra-- I love grass.
-And some flowers.

Flowers are beautiful.
No problem.

-And a big old pond.
-No, no, no. No ponds.

(both grunt)

(sighs, laughs)

-Oh, my God, we're alive!
-We're alive!

We're okay!
Are you all right?

I'm great, that was fun.

Yeah, yeah. Super fun.

Oh, wow, though...

water's really filling up
back here.

It feels... it feels
really good, actually.

(shouts)
Something touched my leg.

Now, get off me!

Look, the phone!

The phone!

I did it!

I saved us again.

-Should I call 911?
-Yes!

Get it.

(panting)

-Okay.
-(line ringing)

OPERATOR:
911. What's your emergency?

Send help. I-I'm mostly nude
in the back of a cop car

about to drown with a young boy.

Well, I have to hand it to you,
you didn't go down easy.

Where the hell
did you find that guy?

I didn't.

Alba did.

SABRINA:
What?

Alba, you told me
that Chip hired him.

-Yeah, you, uh...
-CHIP: Hold on.

Why are you even
speaking to her?

You were supposed to be
working for me.

I was. I-I mean, I am.

-Uh, I just, uh...
-SABRINA: Alba.

What is going on?
Why did you do all of this?

Uh, well, it was hot,
I was bored.

I like drama. Hmm.

Mickey?

SABRINA:
Whoa.

How was the real world?

It was, um, it was great.

Thanks for asking.

Are you wearing a grocery bag?

Mickey lost her pants
in the pond.

Okay. Let's not gossip.

(chuckles)

ALBA:
Huh.

JIMMY:
Come on. No way.

You get Pearl Jam
24/7 on this thing?

It's just satellite radio, man.

You can get that in any car.

Yeah, not my car.

Hey, can you get porn
on this screen?

I don't know.

Hey, computer, play porn.

COMPUTER:
I'm sorry, I didn't catch that.

Porn. Whatever you got.

Amateur, point of view, Asian...

No, no, could you not...?

I've got kids, so...

All right, well, that's fine,
I got kids, too.

It doesn't mean we can't
watch a little porn together.

-Relax.
-Y-You know, I think

it's pretty close
to where you said.

Does this look right to you?

Oh, yeah, yeah. This is good.

-This is really good.
-Oh, okay.

I should get out here, too,
because I don't want her

to see me in a car like this
with a guy like you.

Yeah, but I'll tell you what:

thanks for the ride, Morpheus.

-Oh.
-Good luck in the future...

(owl hooting)

Mickey?!

Ben?!

Anybody?!

(owl hooting)

This could be it.

MICKEY:
I save lives!

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH

Hope you
enjoyed
kickin' it
with The Mick.

Now here are a few more shows
to check out from Fox.

(beeps)
911. What's your emergency?

MAN (on phone):
I'm on Flight 46,
and we're going down.

Just tell my wife
I'm so sorry that I cannot
come home to you.

Hello?

This is your family.
We got you, okay?

Rapid response now!

-We can't save everyone.
-Says who?

It's time we showed Gotham
who we are.