All language subtitles for The.Mick.S02E17.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.x265.10bit.AAC.5.1-Qman[UTR]_track3_[eng]

She's coming in hot.
She's The Mick.

-Yaah!
-I just built that.

It didn't take.

Catch all-new episodes Tuesdays.

And check out our other Fox
programs-- Brooklyn Nine-Nine,

The Last Man on Earth and
Ghosted.

I don't really know how
to do any of this stuff.

Only on Fox.

ALBA: So if the toaster
won't go down,

it's probably because
it is not plugged in.

Yes, we know how
a toaster works.

Oh, remember to turn the colonel
twice a day

or he will get bedsores.

Gross. Somebody been doing that?

Yes, I have. (sighs)

Okay. Ah. If you run out
of toilet paper...

Then I'll use the bath mat.
Just go, okay?

What are you blathering about?

You know, the list...

of things to get done
while I'm gone.

I didn't even know
you were talking to us.

MICKEY:
You know what? We're good.

Right, guys? We're good.

Go have fun in-in...

Uh... where you going?

I'm going to the city
for a spa weekend.

-Wait, why do you need a break?
-Yeah, you do nothing.

Hey. I am the glue that holds
this house together.

You think it just magically
cleans itself

in the middle of the night?

Oh, no. No, you clean it
in the middle of the night

'cause you're all cranked
on amphetamines.

Well, it gets done, doesn't it?

But then,
I don't sleep all night

'cause you're up there
clomping around

like some kind of hillbilly
Santa Claus.

You know, I just leave this
on the fridge.

MICKEY:
All right, great.

Hey, Alba, do you want to hear
about my dream last night?

Ooh, more than anything,
but, you know,

I am off the clock, Benito.
Tell it to Mickey.

-Oh...
-Do you want to hear about it?

It was a weird one.

-What the hell. Go ahead.
-Okay, so,

-I was on the playground
at recess
-Uh...

and Principal Gibbons
came up to me,

but he wasn't Principal Gibbons,

-he was a werewolf.
-Oh, yeah?

He had the biggest hands
and really long nails.

-Oh.
-And he was really tall and big.

And then the werewolf army came,

and there was, like,
a billion of them.

I was so scared!

And then I shot
the biggest werewolf,

and instead of dying, he turned
into a robot werewolf,

and he's like, (gruff voice)
"Give me candy."

(normal voice)
So I ran to the candy store,

and I got him some candy.

And he ate it so really,
really, really fast.

Then I gave all the werewolves
bubblegum.

Yep. Yep.
A little close, though.

But they were eating it
and they were eating it,

-and it got stuck...
-I can still hear you.

You don't have to get so close.
There we go.

And then I was like,
"That's it!

"All the candy in the whole,
entire world is gone.

Sorry, Mr. Werewolf Robot."

Yeah, yeah, I get it.
He likes candy.

We all have our vices.
No more talking, all right?

But... but don't you want
to hear how it ends?

I don't, I don't. (chuckles)
But only because

I want to marinate
in the suspense. Sweet dreams.

But it's still light out.

My God, how is it only 6:00?

Um, okay, well, you know what?

It'll be dark when you close
your eyes.

Jimmy, we're going out.
Go get ready.

(TV playing indistinctly)

I am ready.

Uh, Sabrina, you're in charge

of Ben and Chip
till we get back.

-Decline.
-Please?

I've been wrangling Ben
all day long.

Sorry. Not my problem.

Come on, just be a team player.

Ladies, please.
I'll be in charge.

(laughs)

Oh, sorry. No.

I wouldn't put you in charge of
changing the colonel's diaper.

What are you talking about?
I'm capable.

Mm, well, you're capable
of asphyxiating yourself

with a phone cord, or, uh...
getting an action figure

stuck up your butt,
I'll give you that.

An act... Why would I have
an action figure

stuck up my butt?

I'm not gonna sit here
and try and speculate

as to why you do
the things you do.

I don't-- I don't do that.

Uh, we'll be back in, like,
two to ten hours.

Yeah? And if you need anything,
Alba left a list on the fridge.

What list?

I have no idea what
she's talking about.

(intercom chimes)

WOMAN (over P.A.):
Now approaching our final stop,

Penn Station.

All passengers,
please exit the train.

Penn Station. Last stop.

The train is going out
of service for the weekend.

Everyone please exit the train.

Wh... No. Oh, come on.

Hello?

-Penn Station. Last stop.
-I'm stuck in here!

-The train is going out
of service for the weekend.
-Come on.

(screams) No, no!
Rat!

Rat, rat, rat, rat!
Somebody!

There we go.
There-there's one.

Nah, he's already taking it.

Jimmy, just come on,
get in there.

I don't want to drive around
all night.

What do you want from me, all
right? He's already backing in.

Okay. Cool.
I'll do everything.

Let's not make this
a thing, please. Uh.

-Oh, whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa.
-(horn blares)

Hey, excuse me.
That's-that's my spot.

How come I'm standing
in it then?

MAN (scoffs):
Bro, are you serious?

I know, man, all right? Come on,
I'm trying to take the lady out.

So just help me out, all right?

-How about I give you
a few bucks?
-Oh, boy.

JIMMY:
Oh, God.

-Okay, gentlemen...
-No, you know what, I got it.

-Just-- No. Mick, no, please.
-Everyone back in your...

-Step back, please.
-Oh, God. That's...

All right, look, I didn't know
there was four of you,

but I could still make it
worth your while.

Dude, I'm not doing it,
all right?

I got change here. That's, like,
at least a whole bunch of...

(grunting)

All right, guys.
Hey, fun's over.

Why don't you head home.

Whatever.
You got lucky, bro.

Dude, here's the thing,
I don't believe in luck.

(grunting)

Oh! Did you just hit that guy
in both eyes at the same time?

I raccoon'd him.
It's my signature move.

-I'm Jimmy
-Doug.

-That's a cool name.
-Thanks, man.

(laughs)
I-I got to thank you.

This is the most exciting start
of a date night

-(phone ringing)
-I've had in my entire life.

-Yeah?
-Yeah, oh, yeah.
That-that was real nice.

Excuse me one second.

Yeah? Yes.

What? From where?

All right, yeah,
I'll be right there.

The cops just picked up Ben

riding his bike down the side
of the highway.

I got to go pick him up.

We just got here.

I can give you a lift.

Oh. Is that cool, Mick?

Yeah. Spend your evening
with a-a total stranger.

No problem.
I'll do this by myself.

(engine starting)

Buy me a drink, man?

-Yeah, bro.
-All right.

You can have your spot now!

I woke up in the middle of the
night and there weren't any

adults home,
so I went out to find you.

I can't believe how selfish
she is.

Well, I was around, pal. How
come you didn't look for me?

'Cause you're not an adult.

Oh, hey.
What the hell, man?

-What?
-You said you were gonna
stay home

-and watch the kids last night.
-No, I didn't.

-Well, it was implied.
-No, it wasn't.

I had to go pick up Ben
from the police station

because you decided to go out
and leave

two little kids home alone.

Call me a kid one more time,

and I'll box your frickin' ears.

Alba and I ask for just
a little time off,

and this is how you repay us?

Alba was our maid for 17 years.

You talked to Ben
for a few hours,

then put him to bed
in broad daylight.

Hey! No, don't do that.

Don't minimize my work.

You know, I'm starting to think
you don't appreciate

anything I do for you.

You do nothing for me.

And I do nothing for you.

We have a good system,
let's not mess with it.

JIMMY:
Yo, Mick,

-we're going out tonight.
-Yeah? Great.

I'm in.
Where we going?

-You know my buddy, Doug?
-Mm-mm.

Doug, from last night.
Doug, from the fight.

-The total stranger?
-He's, like, the coolest guy

I've ever met, all right?
And you know that I have

a hard time making male friends.

-You do?
-Yeah. They find me
intimidating.

Look, Doug and his girlfriend

are gonna meet us out
for scorpion bowls.

Okay, there you go.

That's what you lead with.

I'm in. 100% in.

Just got to, uh, secure a sitter
for the kids.

SABRINA:
Hey.

-What the hell?
-Oh, you are so sweet

to offer to babysit.
You didn't have to do that.

Mickey, are you insane?
Uncuff me right now.

Tempting, but, um... no.

-Mickey, I'm warning you.
I will...
-Uh-uh. No.

You're not warning anybody.
You brought this on yourself.

I tried to be reasonable,
but you weren't having it.

So guess what?
Here's how it's gonna go down.

Jimmy and I are headed out
for the night

and you're gonna stay here
and watch Ben.

And if you do a really good job,

I might give you a night off
next weekend.

Are you serious? What am I
supposed to do all night?

I don't know. I'm sure you guys
will think of something.

Kid's got a hell of
an imagination. Ooh, I know.

Tell her about that dream
you had last night.

-Okay, but it's pretty gross.
-It is gross.

-I was floating down a river,
-MICKEY: Uh-huh.

but instead of water,
it was diarrhea.

Diarrhea!
Stay tuned. It gets better.

-Uh, you two be good.
-SABRINA: Mickey!

-Want to hear about
the rest of it?
-No!

Hi. We're meeting my buddy,
Doug.

Yes. The rest of your party is
already here. Right this way.

Can't wait to see Doug's chick.
I bet she's a real rocket.

-Settle down.
-That means she's hot.

Yup, I know what it means.
Who talks like that?

I do. I always have. (chuckles)

Jimmy-crack-corn! (laughs)

And Mickey.

My goodness, what a rocket.

Oh, thank you. Jimmy can't stop
talking about you.

I haven't said that much,
so it's...

Yeah, we hit it off big-time.

-This is my boyfriend, Eric.
-Hey.

-Hi.
-Mickey.

-Hey.
-Hi.

All right, let's get drunk, huh?

No funny business.

Y-You stay on your side
and I will stay on mine.

(mutters)

-(squeaking)
-Hmm? Hmm?

No, you should've brought
your own. No. Hey.

Okay, okay. That-that-that
is very cute, but...

but you are still a rat.

Okay, okay, here you go.

Okay.

Here, l-let's be friends.

Let's be friends.

Okay. Yup, yup. Okay.

-(laughing)
-Are you serious?

That's what he does, always.
Oh, my God.

Everything good, brother?

You're kind of quiet tonight.

Yeah, no, I-I'm fine.

I'm just feeling a little
sleepy, that's all.

You, uh, you want some blow?

Eric, give him the blow.

He's kidding.
There's no cocaine.

(laughs)
You.

That's a dirty trick.
Dirty trick.

I'm sorry, does one of you own
a blue Geo Metro?

Is it leaking oil?
That's all right, it does that.

It's not that.
You better take a look.

Oh, my God. I got it.
Come on, Mick.

Nah, it's cool. I'll hang back.

-No, come on. I need a hand.
-No, I'm good.

I don't want to get oil on me.

Mick!

-Please.
-All right.

Order another round, okay?

You got it.

-What's the matter with you?
-We're leaving.

W-We're not leaving.
I left my purse there.

Well, I'm sorry, you're gonna
have to get a new one.

-Hey, what is your deal?
-I don't have a deal, all right?

I just feel like Doug
is not who I thought he was.

So we're gonna leave
without saying good-bye.

I...

("We Like to Party"
by Vengaboys playing)

JIMMY:
What the...?

She chained the colonel
to your car?

-(Mickey groans)
-(music stops)

BEN:
Hi, Mickey.

MICKEY:
Have you lost your damn mind?

We can go back and forth
like this forever,

but is that really how you want
to spend your remaining days?

Don't you battle me, Sabrina,
you will lose.

Now kindly unchain
the colonel and go home.

-Not until you unlock me.
-Okay, you know what, ladies,

-why don't we just...
-Shut up, Jimmy.

That's it.
I'm over this stupid night.

-Same time.
-Count of three.

One... two... three.

-You!
-I knew it!

Stop screwing around.

You understand me?

One... two... three.

Here we go.

Pleasure doing business
with you.

-Where are you going?
-Back to my scorpion bowl.

-Wait right here.
-Okay.

Sorry about that.

Just had to clear something up
with my bitch niece.

(chuckles)
Oh, where were we?

What are you doing?

I'm having dinner
with my friends.

Everyone, my aforementioned
bitch niece. (chuckles)

Look, I'm not babysitting
those two anymore, okay?

They're your responsibility now.

That's too bad because
I've already begun drinking.

Oh, yeah?

-Uh-huh.
-So have I.

-No, no, no, no, no,
you haven't.
-Mmm.

-Stop it.
-Mmm.

-Let go of that. Stop it.
-Don't grab it.

Let go, Sabrina.

-Give me... Sabrina. Ow!
-(grunting)

Stop!

(gasps)

(Sabrina laughs)

That was a mistake.

(indistinct radio transmission)

(siren chirps)

(straining):
Oh, man, Colonel.

You're really heavy.

(whispering):
Mickey. Mickey.

Why is that woman
staring at us like that?

She's probably deciding which
one of us she wants to maul.

Classic alpha behavior.

(whispering):
So what do we do?

What do we do?

Oh, you don't anything for me

and I don't do anything for you,
remember?

We got a good thing going,
right?

Let's not mess with it.

Mickey, come on. Please.

All right, I'll make you a deal.

You admit just how much
I've sacrificed

for your selfish, ungrateful ass

and then maybe I'll consider
helping you out.

-(stammers, sighs)
-Hmm?

Really? (laughs)

All right, cool.

If you'll excuse me, I've got
to go assert my dominance.

Wh... (sighs)

(clears throat)

(grunts)

Anybody got a match?

WOMAN (groan):
Dang.

WOMAN 2:
Mm, that's not right.

Oh, we are thick as thieves,
Mickey and me.

(laughing)

You know, on paper, it does not
seem like it would work,

probably because
we are both alphas,

but somehow it does

because we respect each other
so much.

Well, rat,
that is the end of it.

No, no, no, don't go,
my friend!

Hello?

Mickey? Sabrina?

Ben? Anybody home?

Finally!

*

* Iko

* Iko, iko, iko un day

* Jock-a-mo fee-no
ai na né *

* Jock-a-mo fee na né

* My spy boy

Whoopsie-daisy.

* Sitting on the bayou

* My spy boy told your spy boy

* "I'm gonna set
your tail on fire" *

-* Talking about hey, now
-* Hey, now *

-* Hey, now
-* Hey, now *

* Iko, iko un day...

Oh, are you boys looking
for a good time?

We're already having
a great time, but thanks.

* Fee na né...

* My marraine told
your marraine *

* Sitting on the bayou

* My marraine told
your parrain *

* "I'm gonna set
your flag on fire" *

* We going down
to Bedford town *

* Iko, iko, un day

* We gonna catch a little...

(shouts)

(screaming)

-(rock music playing)
-(engine revving)

(can hisses open)

-(knocking on window)
-DOUG: Jimmy?

There you are. We were wondering
where you went.

-How many beers have you had?
-(engine idling)

Just leave me alone, all right?

All right.

Whatever you want.

I'm not homophobic, you know.

What?

I said I'm not a...

Get in the car.

(music stops)

(door creaks)

I said I'm not homophobic.

I just don't like liars.

I'm sorry I didn't know I needed
to announce that I was gay.

Yeah, then, how was
I supposed to know?

You never told me
you were straight.

Please.

As if I could hide it.

What's going on, man?

You wouldn't understand.

Okay.

-You don't have to talk
about it...
-When I was 13,

I had this friend
named Anderson.

And we'd spend all day
just kicking

the snot out of each other.

Then, at night, we'd go
swimming, and we'd lie

on the docks, and we'd
talk about our dreams.

You know, all the girls
we were gonna suck face with.

Then, one night, Anderson says

maybe we should practice
kissing on each other.

So we spent
all night practicing.

And we got good.

I mean, really good, you know?
All the...

And then, the summer ends,
and Anderson goes home,

and a couple months later,
I find out he's got a boyfriend.

And he's totally homosexual.

And our entire relationship
is based on a lie.

And now, it's happening again.

Jimmy, do you ever consider
maybe you're gay?

Yeah.

I've thought about that a lot.

Unfortunately, I think having
sex with dudes is gross.

-No offense.
-All good.

I think having sex
with women is gross.

It's weird, you know?

We're so different,
but we're alike.

Man.

Look, I'm sorry you had
that really weird experience,

but I'm not Anderson.

And I hope that we can
still be friends.

Cool?

Cool.

Hey.

Do you mind if I masturbate
in front of you?

What?

I'm kidding.

(laughs)

(both laughing)

Oh, man, that's classic.

-Ow!
-Oh, shut up.

-Dolls don't talk.
-Sorry.

SABRINA:
Mickey, a little help here?

You know the magic words.

Okay, fine. I appreciate you.

Oh, yeah?
That's a sweet thing to say.

For what?

For all the stuff you do for us.

Yeah, I-I drink a lot,
so my memory's pretty hazy.

You know? Can you remind me
what it is I do for you?

You live in our mansion and eat
all of our food. (gasps)

You know who else
has great braids?

-Allen Iverson.
-What?

No, no. No. No. Fine. Okay.

Okay.

I appreciate you
because you're our guardian,

and-and you teach us
so much cool stuff

about life or whatever.

I really do, don't I?

-Yeah.
-Yeah. What else?

(sighs)
Okay.

I appreciate you for leaving
your entire life behind,

that I'm sure
was super awesome and exciting

and not at all trashy,

to take care
of three ungrateful brats

whose lives would be doomed

if it weren't for you
being their leader.

Well, that is very big
of you to say.

I appreciate that.

All right, beat it.

I want to play with her
for a while.

(shouts)

-(gasps)
-I'm keeping this one.

-What?
-She earned it.

You know, to be fair.

Pemberton, Molng.

You're free to go.

(laughing):
Oh.

Oh, man,
only a few more seconds,

and you wouldn't have
had to say any of that stuff.

Whatever.
I just want to go home.

Yeah, I should probably clock
back in at the dream factory.

-Huh.
-It's too bad, too.

I was enjoying
the peace and quiet.

Well, hey, if you want
to hang out for a few hours,

I can hold down the fort,
I guess.

-Really?
-Yeah. You know,

at least, until Alba comes back.

Thanks.

What do you think? Is it cool if
I post up here for a few hours?

No, it's not cool. Unless
you've done something wrong,

you have to go.

You-you want me to spit
in your face or something?

Will that do the trick?

Have fun.

I'll see you at home.

Get out of here.

My spot.

(moaning):
Oh, yeah.

Hi, Sabrina.

Hi. Where have you been?

Oh, I've been out
with the colonel.

(car door opens)

(groans)

Good weekend?

Fantastic.

(grunts)

Benny, grab this.

(gasping)

-SABRINA: What the hell?
-BEN: What?

ALBA:
Chip? Uh...

-Ooh.
-Chip?

ALBA:
Chip?!

(gasps)

-BEN: Whoa.
-Oh. Hello.

Thank you for coming.

SABRINA:
Oh, God.

Chip, are you okay?

What happened?

It's nothing. I'm fine.

It was a minor accident.

It could've happened to anyone.

I have it all under control.

What's "Goo"?

Oh.

Uh, I was writing
"Good-bye, cruel world,"

but then, I got sleepy
and decided to take a break.

Ben, go put some ice
in a bucket.

Sabrina, grab some towels.

(Sabrina whimpers)

Okay. Come on, Chip.

Get your fingers,
we go to the hospital.

Where are your fingers?!

MICKEY:
Anybody got a match?

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH

Hope you
enjoyed
kickin' it
with The Mick.

Now here are a few more shows
to check out from Fox.

(beeps)
911. What's your emergency?

MAN (on phone):
I'm on Flight 46,
and we're going down.

Just tell my wife
I'm so sorry that I cannot
come home to you.

Hello?

This is your family.
We got you, okay?

Rapid response now!

-We can't save everyone.
-Says who?

It's time we showed Gotham
who we are.