All language subtitles for The.Mick.S02E14.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.x265.10bit.AAC.5.1-Qman[UTR]_track3_[eng]

She's coming in hot.
She's The Mick.

-Yaah!
-I just built that.

It didn't take.

Catch all-new episodes Tuesdays.

And check out our other Fox
programs-- Brooklyn Nine-Nine,

The Last Man on Earth and
Ghosted.

I don't really know how
to do any of this stuff.

Only on Fox.

MICKEY:
31, 30,

-29, 28-- you better hustle.
-ALBA: Ah!

-I'm gonna make it!
-Not a chance in hell.

-What are you doing?
-Oh, you guys,

Alba bet me a hundred bucks
that she could go to the store,

grab some smokes and be back
in under five minutes.

-That's impossible.
-I know!

That's what I keep telling her.

Ugh, she's smoking again?

I-I don't keep track
of what she does anymore.

(shouts)
Coming in hot!

You're never gonna make it.

You might as well just give up.

No! Never!

-(cackling)
-All right. Ten,

-nine, eight...
-(engine revving)

-seven, six...
-Here I come-- whoa! No!

-(crashes)
-(screaming)

Alba!

(Mickey gasps)

(Alba grunting)

-Whoa! -Yeah!
-Whoa! Amazing!

MICKEY:
All right-- oh.

Yep.

(monitor beeping)

There she is.

How are you feeling?

I'm alive?

Oh, you have no idea
how lucky you are.

Yeah, wish we could say the same
for the Maserati.

You frickin' accordioned it.

That's the third car
you've crashed this month.

All right. Ease up.

You brats have plenty of cars.

There's only one Alba.

They're right though:
you're gonna die.

I am out of control.

-Yeah.
-I need to go to rehab.

-Oh, send me to the Promises
in Malibu. -No.

I-I don't believe in rehab.

It's ruined
too many great musicians.

It sucks the zip out of you.

I don't want you
to lose your zip, Alba.

I just want you to not die.

I huffed shoe polish yesterday.

(all groaning)

-Not in front of the kid.
-Well...

Hey, Ben, you want
to go grab some candy

out of the vending machine?

-Okay.
-Okay.

-(moans) Mickey, I need help.
-All right,

well, you do what
every normal person does,

and you go to church.

Since when are you so religious?

I'm not religious at all,
but I like church.

Free donuts, coffee.

Little wine
to take the edge off.

Then you confess
all the bad stuff you did

and go home guilt-free,
ready to do it all over again.

Didn't your parents make you
go to church?

Yeah, they forced us
when we were little.

I hated church.
It was the worst.

Yeah, you're supposed
to hate it.

Then you feel great
once you get through it.

You got to go
to church sometimes.

But I don't believe in God.

-Yeah, neither do I.
That's not the point. -No.

-Isn't that the entire point?
-No, the point

is to make yourself feel better,
reset the dials a little bit.

And Alba, when you go back
to church this weekend,

we're all gonna go with you.

I think our souls could all use

a little oil change.

(organ playing)

So... this is God's house?

That's the general idea.

Cool.

Where's the kitchen?

I bet he has great snacks.

No more questions for now,
okay, pal?

Yeah, the show's about to start.

(muffled):
Okay, here we go. Excuse me.

Hot coffee, coming at ya.

Watch it, move those feet.

Here you go.

-Oh.
-What?

-It's hot.
-I told you.

Got you a donut.

-Coconut.
-Yeah, they're free.

I feel like Jesus is looking
down on me in judgment.

Jesus doesn't judge,
that's his whole thing.

ZACH:
Please rise.

About time.

Can't wait to see
this bloated sack of potatoes

they yanked off the can
to emcee this thing.

Weird.

It's some young bro.

In the name of the Father,
the Son and the Holy Spirit.

ALL:
Amen.

The Lord be with you.

ALL:
And also with you.

Good morning.

Welcome.

Happy Sunday Funday.

I am Father Zach.

Father Z, if you prefer.

And to kick things off,
I thought,

why don't we turn to thy
neighbor, and say "what's up?"

-Go ahead and give him a dap.
-(laughter)

Dap it out. I'll wait.

He's kind of a dork,
but I like the energy

-in here, you know?
-Yeah.

Before we begin,
please silence your cell phones.

Unless you're posting
a photo of me,

in which case,
please, pick a good filter.

(laughing):
Whoa.

Dude's got jokes.

Okay. Let us pray.

BEN:
I don't get it.

The show's over?

Where's God?

He's, uh, everywhere.

Why can't we see him?

I just wanted to say hi.

Well, you can, you know?

He's in that candle,
right there.

So God lives inside the candle?

Well, he's not
literally inside of it.

I mean, the candle represents
God's presence in the church.

So they built
this whole house...

...for a candle to live in?

Well, no. I mean,
when you say it like that,

it sounds ridiculous, but...

-Has anybody even seen God?
-JIMMY: Okay, Ben,

you're seeing God. All right?

He's in the candle.

(gasps)

I don't think I believe in God.

-Little psycho.
-Yeah.

-Doesn't feel right.
-No.

It sounds smart and progressive
when we say it,

but we're adults. He's a kid;

he's not ready for that yet.

At that age, you got to be
terrified of something

to keep you
from becoming a jackass.

We got to nip this in the bud.

(quietly):
The "butt," actually.

It certainly is good
to see you, Father.

Father Zach?

-That's me.
-Hi. Mickey Molng.

This is my friend Alba.
She's a world-class sinner.

And we're, uh, wondering if you
got time for a quick confession.

I-I haven't been to Mass
in quite some time. (chuckles)

Well, you're always
welcome back.

Can I just say,
I thought religion

was just a load of crap,
but that was a pretty great set.

-I'm glad you enjoyed it.
-I'm so surprised

how young you are. I thought
priests were, like, what? 90?

Oh, we have one of those. Yeah.

Father McCormick
is our head pastor.

Think he's pushing
about a thousand now,

but he's still killing it.
(clicks tongue)

(McCormick scoffs)

I bet. Okay, um...

-I'm gonna head out.
-You're welcome to stay.

Maybe God brought you here
for a reason, too.

(laughing):
Well, that's very sweet,

but I brought myself here.

In a Porsche 911 Turbo.

So tell God thank you very much,
but I'm all set.

Gonna go burn off some of that
good karma. Have fun.

So let me, let me ask you
a question.

Are you, like, are you writing
your own stuff,

or are you just, like,
pulling that out of your ass?

Depends on the day.

-Ha!
-(chuckles)

(slurring):
There we go. Oh, yeah.

Hello, you.

I'll take that.

Make a sandwich.

Don't play hard to get with me.

I will find you.

Okay, lettuce there.
I'm healthy.

Let's see...

-Tomato...
-ALBA: Uh, Mickey?

Oh, good Lord.

Alba, you brought home the Lord.

Well, after all that confessing,
it really worked up an appetite,

so I invited Father Zach over
for dinner.

It's so good to see you again.

I'm not drunk.

All right.

You want me
to make you something?

No, I-I want to...
I'm gonna make it.

Ah, it's so late though.

(clearing throat):
Right?

I'm gonna make it in my bed.

-Can I give you a hand with...?
-No, I'm good. I just...

Good evening to you both.

What time is it?

6:00 a.m.

Why are we up?

Well, because we've got
a breakfast date with the Lord.

Really? What's for breakfast?

Well, there isn't any food
per se, but that's all right,

because we are going to feast
on this.

-(waves crashing)
-Huh?

I mean, come on. Tell me that's
not proof of God right there.

-The sunrise?
-Yeah, well...

It's not just a sunrise; I mean,
those blazing oranges

and those simmering pinks,
those brilliant reds...

Who do you think
made those colors?

My teacher said
it's because of smog.

Did God make smog?

Uh... yeah, I guess he did.

-But I thought smog was bad?
-Let's-let's back up.

Humans are responsible for smog.

But then, you know,
God made humans,

so I guess God made smog

and then turned it
into a beautiful sunrise.

So, God kind of makes
everything?

-Exactly.
-Yeah.

-What about trees?
-Yeah.

Dogs?

-Sure.
-What about poop?

Yeah, okay.

Even diarrhea?

You know what? Let's just
leave it here for the day.

Yeah, let's just take a minute

to gather our thoughts
and, for now, enjoy the sunrise.

All right,
I'll stare at the smog.

Ugh, I feel like
I've been hit by a bus.

Ooh.

What's this?

Why, it's Sunday.
(chuckles)

I know how much you like
to watch your football.

-This is all for me?
-Yeah.

Aw, man, that's so sweet.

-I knew a little church
would be good for you. -Ah...

Look at you being
all of service.

-Nah, nah, it's nothing.
-(doorbell rings)

-Ugh. Make it stop.
-Yeah. I-I go get it.

(sportscaster speaking on TV)

(Alba laughs)

Look who's here.

-Hey.
-Hey.

What are you doing?
What's he doing here?

Yeah, I invited him.

You know,
I think that Father Zach

is a bigger Pats fan
than you are. (laughs)

And on the eighth day,
God made Tom Brady.

(laughs nervously)

Yeah.

Isn't football a little rough
for a priest?

With all the concussions
and murderers.

No, the big hits
are the best part of the game.

Plus, these guys are getting
paid millions of dollars.

This CTE business, I mean, they
know what they're getting into.

Plus, they're wearing helmets.

-Hey, does anyone want a beer?
-Mm... (clears throat)

No. No, thank you.

I would love one.

-Is that all right?
-No, here. (laughs)

-I'll get you an opener.
-No, no, no, no.

Got one with me.

Whoa, that's cool.
(laughs)

Father Z?
What are you doing here?

What's up, Chip?
I'm just watching Tom Brady

spread the gospel.
(whistles)

You rocking the new Durants?

Good eye, bro. My vertical's
insane now. You hoop?

I played a little
college ball at UConn,

but I mostly rode the bench.

-You want to shoot around
at halftime? -Hell yeah.

-What a great kid.
-Yeah. (laughs)

Oh, come on, you got to wrap up
on those tackles!

All right, let's go, TB.
Let's get back in this thing.

Yeah, let's go.

Here we go, Pats!

(sportscaster continues speaking
on TV)

All right, Ben.

Sometimes a higher being doesn't
always present itself to you

in a church or a sunset.

A spiritual experience can find
you when you least expect it.

Now, for me, it was
The String Cheese Incident.

Red Rocks, '96.

They played for seven straight
hours in 108 degree heat.

A set so divine
and filled with love

that your little mind
couldn't possibly grasp it

through mere description.

Luckily, big ol' Jimbo
bootlegged it.

(music plays on laptop)

(laughs) Yeah.

This is God?

Well, i-it is if
you're a drug addict

and you like to listen
to 40-minute-long songs

and spin around in circles
until you have a seizure.

(laughs) Shh.

JIMMY (on recording):
Geez, I'm shredded tonight.

-MAN: Let me get some of that K.
-JIMMY: No can do.

-Already took it.
-All of it? Dude, not cool.

-You were supposed to
drive back. -JIMMY: I'm fine.

It doesn't sound very good.

Well, yeah, I mean the speakers
aren't great, you know.

You need a woofer
to really capture

the essence of their sound.

Some ketamine would help, too.

Okay. You know what?
When the glockenspiel comes in,

you're really gonna understand.

No offense, but if this is God,
I don't think I'm a fan.

Yeah, that went well.

If he's not gonna open his mind,

then there's not a lot
I can do for him.

I don't know.
Maybe it's too late.

We're just going
about this too abstract.

You know, I mean, think
about it like Santa Claus.

You don't explain
to a kid the physics

of some fatso cramming his ass

down seven billion chimneys
in a night.

No, of course not.

You-you just drive him
to the mall,

get his picture taken
with some child molester,

and eat a couple of his cookies
before he wakes up.

Ben wants to see God...

let's show him God.

Dude, your stroke is frickin'
wet from behind the arc.

Don't tell me you can dunk, too.

Don't worry, I won't.
I'll just show you.

Oh! Wow!

What?! Oh, my God.

How did you do that?

It's hot out here, man.

Damn!

Father's got mad ink.

You look like
frickin' John Wick.

I didn't know priests
could get tatted up like that.

Yeah, it sounds like
you got some misconceptions

about the church.

You think it's all
sinners and judgment.

But the way I see it,
every Sunday,

God throws
a kick-ass house party

and all the sinners are invited.

I mean, I-I will admit,

-it does look cool to be
center stage like that. -Yeah.

You must feel like
a frickin' rock star.

No, no, no, no.
God's the real rock star.

I just feel like I'm a DJ
remixing his hottest jams.

(laughs)

That's all right.
That's all right.

-Yeah.
-You know what?

I did have an altar boy
drop out this weekend.

If you feel like
subbing on Sunday.

Uh... no-no offense,

but those white dresses are...
are kind of lame.

You know, when you're up there,

you're feeling all that energy,
it doesn't matter what you wear.

You're cloaked
in God's love, son.

Off the glass.

(squeals):
Whoa!

(beer can opens)

ALBA:
Mickey?

What is going on?

You don't just sneak up
on somebody... (burps)

like that, you know what I mean?

If you wanted a beer,
why didn't you just say so?

Because I can't be myself
in front of that guy.

He makes me uncomfortable.

It's like driving next to a cop.

-Well, he's just a priest.
-He's not.

-He's not just a priest.
-Well...

Priests don't wear normal
clothes and play basketball.

They're old and ugly
and mean and boring.

-You are the one who told me
to go to him. -Yes.

I told you to go to him.

Maybe once or something,
not bring him in here.

I think you are overreacting.

Okay, well, how's this
for overreacting?

I forbid you
to ever see him again.

-Mm-hmm.
-Father Zach

has been so helpful to me
in my darkest hour.

That's what they do.

They find the weakest person
they can

-and make them feel like
the chosen one. -CHIP: Yo!

Guess who Father Z hand-selected
to be his new altar boy?

This guy!

-(laughs)
-Hey, now!

Let's just hope he praises
better than he dribbles.

-(both laugh)
-You're right.

-I got to work on that. -You're
doing okay. You're doing okay.

-Ah, it could be better. Oh!
-ALBA: That's good. Oh!

-That's tight, huh?
-Such a great-- whoa! Ah!

(laughing)

Look it, I got it.
And I gave it back.

-Father McCormick?
-Yes.

Hi, I'm Mickey,
new to your parish.

Do you have a second?

-Yes, please come in.
-Thank you.

Listen, um,

I got a problem
with one of your priests.

N-Not a kid problem.

Oh, no, sorry.
It's about Father Zach.

He's not who he says he is.

That man is leading
a double life.

I see. Uh, please, go on.

Just yesterday, in my home,

I watched him drink
upwards of two beers.

Oh. Well, there's nothing
wrong with that.

You sure about that?

-Oh, I'm quite certain.
-(drawer opens)

Nothing wrong
with an occasional libation.

Oh.

Would you?

Is it a trick?

-No.
-Oh.

Thank you.

Well, he was definitely
not wearing his uniform.

That's got to be
some sort of infraction.

Well, I don't think that is.
No, no.

I'm sorry, is there something
I can help you with?

Yes, you can, you can help me
get rid of the guy, you know.

I-I don't like him.

I-I... he rubs me the wrong way
and something's off.

Look, between you and me,
I'm also not a fan.

But unfortunately,
there's nothing I can do.

What are you talking about?
You're the pastor.

You know, you're the boss
around here.

N-Not the boss-boss, but-but
you're pretty high up there.

It's not that simple.

Since Zachary joined our parish,

we've had quite
the spike in donations.

I see.

(laughs) Okay.

So it's a money thing.

Now you're speaking my language.

(clears throat)

Here you go.

What's that?

That's a Porsche 911 Turbo.

Got a quarter tank of gas
and it's parked

right out front in a handicapped
spot, nice and easy for you.

Well, that's very kind,
but I'm not quite sure

what the church would do
with a Porsche.

I myself rarely drive.

Eh, you'll pick it right up
or sell it for parts.

Hell, drive it straight
to heaven for all I care.

Just please transfer him.

Well, there is an opening
in Baltimore.

Baltimore.

Love Baltimore.

Beautiful city. Stone crabs.

Well, I don't know.

Oh, come on.

Give yourself a little credit.

I think you do know.

But don't do it for me.

Do it for this guy.

I'll leave you two alone.

Mull it over.

(organ playing)

* Áve *

* Maria

* Grátia pléna...

JIMMY (whispering):
Mick.

ALBA and ZACH:
* Maria grátia pléna...

(whispering):
What are you doing here?

Just came to enjoy the show.

Got a feeling it's gonna be
a good one.

Ah, you bet your sweet
little ass it is.

Okay. How you doing, buddy?

Good. Even though God
isn't real,

I still like the songs
and stuff.

Nice.

Oh, I wouldn't be
so sure about that.

You keep your eyes peeled,
you might just see him.

Yeah.

I-I'm having second thoughts.

Yeah, don't be nervous.

I'm not nervous.

It's just an idiotic plan.

Okay, you know what?

We're here, so we're doing it.

ZACH:
Thank you, Alba.

That sounded so beautiful.

Before we begin,
I have some unfortunate news

to share with all of you.

(quietly): Yeah.
Enjoy Baltimore, bitch.

(snickers)

Father McCormick was
in a car accident last night.

-(people gasp)
-He drove a Porsche into a pond.

Uh, miraculously, he survived.

Oh, come on, old man.

So let's please all keep him
in our prayers.

-Oh...
-And in the meantime,

I will be serving
as your head pastor.

Oh, well, this is just great.

For today's sermon, I'd like
to talk to you about temptation.

It's everywhere, folks.

Serpents slither among us

and takes many forms.

-(scoffs)
-Apparent strangers, coworkers,

even so-called friends.

Okay, okay. You can stop
dancing around.

-I'm the serpent he's talking
about. -(people murmuring)

I'm the one who
gave McCormick the Porsche.

Wha...? Why would you do that?

So he would cast this man
out of our lives

and into the fiery streets
of Baltimore.

Damn it, Mickey.

-Those aren't your cars to give.
-Silence, Sabrina!

You, Father "Z,"
you're the real serpent.

Just slither around my house,

being all casual about religion,
not taking it seriously.

ZACH:
I take it very seriously.

-MICKEY: Oh, yeah?
-Yeah, I'm a priest.

Well, whoever you are, Zach,

beer-drinking basketball buddy.

Yeah, whatever mask
you choose to wear right now.

You've turned my friend
into something

I don't even recognize anymore.

She has a very serious
drinking problem.

Okay, well, now she has
a very serious church problem.

You don't see you just took
one addiction

and replaced it with another?

I'm just trying not to die.

Well, news flash:
you are gonna die.

-You're all gonna die.
-(people gasping)

-MAN: What? -Not, I mean,
not right now. I'm not gonna...

That's not what I meant.
You're safe... for now.

I'm not gonna do anything.

(sighs)

She's right. This is idiotic.

If you accept God
into your heart,

you'll walk with him
in the kingdom of heaven.

Oh, yeah? Okay, cool.
You got proof of that?

-I see proof of God every day.
-Do you?

I-I-I can't wait to see it.

Show me. Please.
Excited to see the proof.

Go ahead. Let's see it.

-(flame roars)
-Aah! Oh.

Ooh, that's hot. Oh, my...

(screams)

How can you just stand there?
I'm on fire!

I'm on fire!

Oh, my God!

-(Mickey screams)
-(people gasping)

-Oh, no. Oh, no!
-(Jimmy grunting)

(shouting)

(deep voice):
Stay in school, Ben.

(gasps)

She's awake.

I'm alive?

-By the grace of God.
-BEN: It was so cool.

God smited you because
you were being blasphemous,

but then he saved you because
he's merciful and forgiving,

but then, he pointed right at me

and told me to work extra hard
in school.

And now, I'm gonna be the Pope
when I grow up.

(quietly): Okay, we might've
laid too strong of a foundation.

I mean, he literally witnessed
God perform a miracle.

(quietly): Yeah, we can blow
that up in about two seconds.

I think I'm done with church.

You know, I got way too extreme.

I got to stop that.

From now on,
I'm just gonna be chill.

I'm just gonna be super chill.

I'm gonna start meditating,
doing yoga.

All right, Alba, you're getting
extreme about being chill.

It's happening again.

Yeah, you're right.
I got to chill out.

Yeah, I think I'm done
with church, too.

Father Z's just a bummer.

Such a waste of talent.

He could be out there
waxing ass,

but instead he's like, "No, we
just feed bread to old people."

Forget that place.

Mm. I don't know.

I might go back.

What?

I-I feel like I've been reborn,
you know?

Like I've gotten a-a new lease
on life and...

(sighs) if that's not proof
of God, I don't know what is.

Yeah, it's either that
or the morphine.

Hmm?

They've been pumping you
full of that stuff for hours.

I told them not to hold back.

She can take it.

Oh, that's nice.

Okay, well, Alba, be an angel
and, uh, hit me again.

-Yeah, I got you. I got you.
-(button beeps)

-There you go.
-Mmm.

CHIP:
This guy! (laughs)

Hope you
enjoyed
kickin' it
with The Mick.

Now here are a few more shows
to check out from Fox.

It's time we fly
this old bird.

* It feels good *

MULDER: I want to believe.
I would just like to see.

I can help you.

* It feels good *

-You want to do
the honors, Alan?
-Yeah!

No, you never
touch this.

* You know it feels good *

-(shrieks)
-* It feels good *

* Oh, you know it feels good *

Let's do it.

Everything you thought
you knew about medicine
is wrong.

Unbelievable.

* It feels good *