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[KNOCK ON DOOR]
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Milton Berle.
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Twenty seconds to curtain.
Stand by for makeup.
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-Stand by for what?
-Makeup!
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It's The Muppet Show, with our very
special guest star, Mr. Milton Berle!
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[BAND PLAYING THEME MUSIC]
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♪ It's time to play the music ♪
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♪ It's time to light the light ♪
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♪ It's time to meet the Muppets
On The Muppet Show tonight ♪
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♪ It's time to put on makeup ♪
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♪ It's time to dress up right ♪
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♪ It's time to get things started ♪
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Another show, another headache.
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♪ It's time to get things started
On the most sensational, inspirational ♪
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♪ Celebrational, Muppetational ♪
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♪ This is what we call ♪
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♪ The Muppet Show ♪
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[BLOWS]
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[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
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Thank you, thank you.
Hi-ho, and here we go again
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with another edition of The Muppet Show.
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Uh, tonight's a special one for us
because our guest star
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is one of the truly great comedians,
Milton Berle. Mm-hm.
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So now, for tonight's opening number,
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here he is, one of the beautiful people.
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[WALTZ MUSIC PLAYING]
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♪ I'm ugly, I'm ugly as sin ♪
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♪ But beautiful's out, ugly's in ♪
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♪ If you're ugly like me
You're in good company ♪
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♪ There are millions of us who're ugly ♪
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♪ Take the case of our friend
The crocodile ♪
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♪ His bite is much worse than his bark ♪
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♪ In fact his behavior is juvenile ♪
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♪ Infantile ♪
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♪ Why can't he just sing like a lark? ♪
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[ROARS]
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♪ Though he's not the prettiest
To be found ♪
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♪ He's a useful and happy reptile ♪
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♪ I'll gobble up anyone
Left lying 'round ♪
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♪ And that gives me my permanent smile ♪
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♪ He's ugly, he's ugly as sin ♪
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[CROCODILE LAUGHS]
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♪ But beautiful's out, ugly's in ♪
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Yeah.
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♪ If you're ugly like me
You're in good company ♪
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♪ There are millions of us who're ugly ♪
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♪ Take the case of our friend
The warthog ♪
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♪ He must be the ugliest by far ♪
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♪ In every page in the ugly catalog ♪
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♪ Of all the ugly ones, he's the star ♪
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♪ His tail's sticking up like a flagpole ♪
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♪ His tusks and his warts
And his bristles ♪
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♪ Whenever I decide to take a stroll ♪
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♪ I'm never bothered
By any wolf whistles ♪
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♪ You're ugly, you're ugly as sin ♪
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[WARTHOG SNORTS]
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♪ But beautiful's out, ugly's in ♪
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Yes, sir.
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♪ If you're ugly like me
You're in good company ♪
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♪ There are millions of us who're ugly ♪
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♪ Now, if you're bad-looking
You're the lucky one ♪
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♪ There's no effort involved
In being ugly ♪
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No, sir.
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♪ But if you're beautiful by comparison ♪
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♪ Well, it's really a catastrophe ♪
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♪ Ointment and makeup and all ♪
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♪ That you smear on your body daily ♪
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♪ Then you wipe it all off
And you put on some more ♪
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♪ So be thankful that we are ugly ♪
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You bet.
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♪ We're ugly, we're ugly as sin ♪
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♪ But beautiful's out, ugly's in ♪
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♪ If you're ugly like me
You're in good company ♪
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00:04:08,998 --> 00:04:12,752
♪ There are millions of us who're ugly ♪
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♪ There are millions of us who're ugly
Ha, ha ♪
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[GROWLING AND ROARING]
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There's something wrong
with this hearing aid.
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-What's wrong?
-I can't hear with it.
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Oh. No wonder. It's too far away.
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Okay, beautiful opening number.
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Beautiful. Very pretty, very pretty.
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Uh, or pretty ugly. Uh, anyhow...
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Uh...
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-What is that?
-Shh.
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[GASPS]
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-Fozzie?
-Yeah.
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-What are you doing?
-I'm hiding from Milton Berle.
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Hiding from Milton Berle? He's your idol.
Don't you want to meet him?
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Meet him?
Why do you think I'm hiding, Kermit?
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What could this lowly bear
say to the king of comics?
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-How about "hello"?
-Hello?
92
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I just couldn't say "hello."
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No, I'd have to make a little speech
and grovel a lot.
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Whatever you say, but there's one thing
you should know about Milton Berle.
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-What?
-He's coming down the stairs.
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[YELLS]
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Hi, Milton. You ready for your monologue?
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-All ready.
-Okay, I'm gonna go introduce you.
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-Thank you very much.
-Hey, Uncle Miltie.
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I hope you really knock them dead
out there.
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Listen, kid, don't worry about the king.
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I'm not. I'm worried about you.
103
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How do you like that?
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I'm not even on the stage
and I'm in trouble.
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In the golden age of television,
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00:05:47,847 --> 00:05:50,892
our guest star earned the title
of "Mr. Television",
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and he deserves it to this day.
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Here he is, the incomparable Milton Berle!
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[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
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Thank you.
Thank you, thank you, and good evening.
111
00:06:05,657 --> 00:06:08,660
And I wanna thank you, Kermit,
for your wonderful introduction.
112
00:06:08,743 --> 00:06:12,247
First time I've ever been introduced
by an amphibious emcee.
113
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You know what "amphibious" means.
It means he can be dull on land or water.
114
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I feel great, I feel wonderful.
I just got back from a pleasure trip.
115
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I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
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I really did. And while I was there--
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Funny, funny, funny!
118
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Uh-huh. Uh-huh. I heard about them.
It's beginning.
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You're the two guys that I heard about
that heckle from the box, aren't you?
120
00:06:44,070 --> 00:06:46,489
There they are, ladies and gentlemen,
get a look at them.
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Starsky and Crutch.
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Yeah, don't start with me, boys.
Don't start with me.
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-Hey. Hey, Berle.
-What?
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You know what?
I've just figured out your style.
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-Really?
-You work like Gregory Peck.
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I...
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Gregory Peck's not a comedian.
128
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STATLER:
Well...
129
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Now, just a minute, please. I have been
a successful comedian half of my life.
130
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How come we got this half?
131
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Look, did you come in here
to be entertained or not?
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-That's right.
-What's right?
133
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We came in here to be entertained,
and we're not.
134
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Oh, yeah? I'd like to see you
come down here and be funny.
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You first.
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[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
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"Ha, ha, ha." The audience. "Ha, ha, ha."
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Don't pay any attention to him, folks.
139
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He's the ninth child of a family of eight.
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-Let me tell this story--
-Hey, Berle!
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[MILTON GROANS]
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Yes, what is it?
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-You know what you're doing wrong?
-What am I doing wrong?
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You're standing too close to the audience.
145
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Oh, I am? Well, how's this?
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STATLER: You're still too close.
-Oh, I'm sorry. Is this okay?
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STATLER:
A little more.
148
00:08:04,567 --> 00:08:06,820
How far back do you want me to go?
149
00:08:06,903 --> 00:08:07,987
You got a car?
150
00:08:13,493 --> 00:08:15,453
Let me tell you something.
If you don't stop,
151
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-I'll have the usher throw you out.
WALDORF: He can't, he's too busy.
152
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-Doing what?
-Keeping people in.
153
00:08:24,838 --> 00:08:27,590
And you're encouraging them,
that's what you're doing.
154
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You know, I got a good mind
to punch you in your nose.
155
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Please, not while I'm holding it.
156
00:08:34,806 --> 00:08:37,475
-That's pretty funny.
-You can use it.
157
00:08:39,936 --> 00:08:42,564
"You can use it."
I don't need your material, pal.
158
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I got a million funny lines
in the back of my head.
159
00:08:45,191 --> 00:08:47,068
Yeah, how come they
never reach your mouth?
160
00:08:49,571 --> 00:08:52,490
Gentlemen, will you please?
Will you take it easy?
161
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-Do you think I'm doing this for fun?
-Not so far.
162
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I've been--
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00:08:57,787 --> 00:09:00,582
Oh, I see. You think you can do better?
164
00:09:00,665 --> 00:09:03,501
-I couldn't do worse.
-All right.
165
00:09:03,585 --> 00:09:07,255
Okay, I dare you both
to come down here and entertain.
166
00:09:07,339 --> 00:09:11,092
-Hey, we should.
-Oh, yeah? Do you sing?
167
00:09:11,176 --> 00:09:12,635
-No.
-Do you dance?
168
00:09:12,719 --> 00:09:14,304
-No.
-Can you get laughs?
169
00:09:14,387 --> 00:09:16,306
-No.
-Then what would you do?
170
00:09:16,389 --> 00:09:17,807
Just what you're doing.
171
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Okay, that's it.
I'm gonna call the police.
172
00:09:23,772 --> 00:09:26,358
Good idea.
You need all the protection you can get.
173
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[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
174
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Don't! I've had it with you guys.
175
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I'm not going to put up with you anymore.
Anymore. Not anymore.
176
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-Hey, how's it going, Mr. Berle?
-Oh, I'm gonna start with you now?
177
00:09:37,952 --> 00:09:41,206
How's it going? It's going terribly.
178
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These guys have been picking on me,
insulting me ever since I started.
179
00:09:44,584 --> 00:09:46,795
-Well, can I help you out?
-Please, huh?
180
00:09:46,878 --> 00:09:49,631
-Which way did you come in?
-I--
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Get out of here!
182
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I've had it, I've had it!
Here we go again.
183
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[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
184
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NEWSCASTER:
Here's a Muppet news flash.
185
00:10:02,435 --> 00:10:04,145
Dateline, London.
186
00:10:04,229 --> 00:10:06,314
The will of the late Mary Crandall,
187
00:10:06,398 --> 00:10:09,526
which has been bitterly contested
by her son Charles
188
00:10:09,609 --> 00:10:13,196
and her cat Cuteypie, was settled today.
189
00:10:13,279 --> 00:10:16,866
A special court has ruled
Charles is the sole heir
190
00:10:16,950 --> 00:10:21,204
and he will be awarded the entire estate:
10,000 rubber mice.
191
00:10:25,500 --> 00:10:27,669
NARRATOR:
And now...
192
00:10:27,752 --> 00:10:33,216
Pigs in Space!
193
00:10:35,552 --> 00:10:37,679
Featuring the master of the Swinetrek,
194
00:10:37,762 --> 00:10:40,765
the intrepid and well-fed Link Hogthrob.
195
00:10:42,684 --> 00:10:45,186
And his first mate and second in command,
196
00:10:45,270 --> 00:10:49,482
the very cute
and extremely dangerous Miss Piggy.
197
00:10:49,566 --> 00:10:52,235
And the super brain
behind this whole ghastly mistake,
198
00:10:52,318 --> 00:10:56,406
the inexplicable Dr. Julius Strangepork.
199
00:10:56,489 --> 00:10:59,159
As you recall,
last week the spaceship Swinetrek
200
00:10:59,242 --> 00:11:03,621
was on a suicidal collision course
with a mysterious celestial object.
201
00:11:04,789 --> 00:11:07,667
It's coming straight at us,
but I can't tell what it is.
202
00:11:07,751 --> 00:11:10,628
It looks like the headlight
on a motorcycle.
203
00:11:10,712 --> 00:11:13,882
We know what it looks like.
We want to know what it is.
204
00:11:13,965 --> 00:11:17,302
Testy, testy, mon capitan.
205
00:11:17,385 --> 00:11:19,346
Doc, would you look this thing up
in your book?
206
00:11:19,429 --> 00:11:21,681
Uh, ah. Yes, yes.
207
00:11:21,765 --> 00:11:26,102
No, no, It's not listed here
under any known objects.
208
00:11:26,186 --> 00:11:27,479
Look under unknown objects.
209
00:11:27,562 --> 00:11:30,315
How could it be in that book
if it's unknown?
210
00:11:30,398 --> 00:11:32,650
There are some things
even pigs don't know.
211
00:11:32,734 --> 00:11:33,735
Oh, brother.
212
00:11:33,818 --> 00:11:35,862
Doc, how long before we collide
with this thing?
213
00:11:35,945 --> 00:11:39,407
-Exactly 17 hours.
-Good.
214
00:11:39,491 --> 00:11:42,494
Now, that's the kind of man
I like to have on my crew.
215
00:11:42,577 --> 00:11:44,746
La-di-da.
216
00:11:44,829 --> 00:11:48,375
Excuse me, captain,
it's not exactly 17 hours.
217
00:11:48,458 --> 00:11:49,959
-No?
-No.
218
00:11:50,043 --> 00:11:52,420
-It's 17 seconds.
-Hm.
219
00:11:52,504 --> 00:11:55,215
I have trouble with those little decimals.
220
00:11:55,298 --> 00:11:59,135
-Seventeen seconds?
-Nice going, doc.
221
00:11:59,219 --> 00:12:01,221
-Prepare for collision.
-Oh!
222
00:12:06,434 --> 00:12:07,602
Huh.
223
00:12:07,686 --> 00:12:10,605
[STAMMERING] It was a motorcycle.
224
00:12:10,689 --> 00:12:14,567
I told you that at the beginning
of this dumb sketch!
225
00:12:14,651 --> 00:12:17,112
Lucky guess. Anyway...
226
00:12:17,195 --> 00:12:19,364
I got us out of that tight pinch.
227
00:12:20,407 --> 00:12:22,075
[PIGGY LAUGHING]
228
00:12:22,158 --> 00:12:24,285
Stuck pig alarm! Stuck pig alarm!
229
00:12:24,369 --> 00:12:31,042
NARRATOR: Tune in next week for last
week's chapter of Pigs in Space.
230
00:12:33,378 --> 00:12:36,631
Eh. This is a good place
to hide from Milton Berle.
231
00:12:38,049 --> 00:12:41,011
Gee, I never realized
how funny he really is,
232
00:12:41,094 --> 00:12:43,722
in relation to certain bears
I could mention.
233
00:12:45,432 --> 00:12:48,852
I think I'll just stay here
until the end of the show.
234
00:12:48,935 --> 00:12:50,353
[YELLS]
235
00:12:51,563 --> 00:12:53,189
Uh, hey, Fozzie, that won't work.
236
00:12:53,273 --> 00:12:55,775
We already used that joke
on Pigs in Space.
237
00:13:00,113 --> 00:13:03,158
[PLAYING RAGTIME MUSIC]
238
00:13:09,497 --> 00:13:11,374
"The Entertainer", right?
239
00:13:11,458 --> 00:13:13,501
Yep, that's the name of the song.
240
00:13:13,585 --> 00:13:17,380
You know, most people don't know
that there are words to that song.
241
00:13:17,464 --> 00:13:19,299
Yeah, that's true.
242
00:13:19,382 --> 00:13:21,968
-You know what they're about?
-Mm?
243
00:13:22,052 --> 00:13:26,056
They're about...
the stars and the performers
244
00:13:26,139 --> 00:13:30,560
and the entertainers that appeared
during the heyday of vaudeville.
245
00:13:30,643 --> 00:13:33,438
Hey, you used to be in vaudeville,
didn't you?
246
00:13:33,521 --> 00:13:35,690
Yeah, sure I was, but when I was a kid.
247
00:13:35,774 --> 00:13:36,775
-Yeah?
-Yeah.
248
00:13:36,858 --> 00:13:39,361
How many performances
did you do in vaudeville?
249
00:13:39,444 --> 00:13:42,781
Oh, I'd say between 80,000 and 100,000.
250
00:13:42,864 --> 00:13:46,785
Wow. You were really The Entertainer,
weren't you?
251
00:13:46,868 --> 00:13:49,454
One of them, yeah. One of them.
252
00:13:49,537 --> 00:13:51,122
Many, many fond memories.
253
00:13:54,167 --> 00:13:58,338
Now, the curtain is goin' up
254
00:13:58,421 --> 00:14:02,133
The entertainer is taking a bow
255
00:14:03,718 --> 00:14:05,970
He does his dance step
256
00:14:06,054 --> 00:14:08,473
And sings his song
257
00:14:08,556 --> 00:14:13,311
Even gets the audience to sing along
258
00:14:13,395 --> 00:14:17,774
Yes, he knows just what to do
259
00:14:17,857 --> 00:14:22,862
He knows how to bring down the house
When he's through
260
00:14:22,946 --> 00:14:28,451
Snappy patter and jokes
He knows what pleases the folks
261
00:14:28,535 --> 00:14:32,414
The entertainer, the star of the show
262
00:14:34,124 --> 00:14:36,376
[PLAYING UPBEAT MELODY]
263
00:14:41,923 --> 00:14:43,925
♪ It was in vaudeville ♪
264
00:14:44,009 --> 00:14:46,011
♪ And he was on the bill ♪
265
00:14:46,094 --> 00:14:50,015
♪ With all the singers, dancers
Acrobats and clowns ♪
266
00:14:50,098 --> 00:14:52,058
♪ There was a dancing bear ♪
267
00:14:52,142 --> 00:14:54,436
♪ Even a dog act there ♪
268
00:14:54,519 --> 00:14:58,440
♪ And a comedian who never let 'em down ♪
269
00:14:58,523 --> 00:15:02,777
♪ When he came on
To do his favorite song ♪
270
00:15:02,861 --> 00:15:07,073
♪ He really wowed 'em
In the cities and the towns ♪
271
00:15:07,157 --> 00:15:11,494
♪ They came from near and far
To see the vaudeville star ♪
272
00:15:11,578 --> 00:15:15,665
♪ The entertainer ♪
273
00:15:20,754 --> 00:15:25,050
Now the curtain is going down
274
00:15:25,133 --> 00:15:28,720
On the entertainer, the artist, the pro
275
00:15:30,138 --> 00:15:35,352
He was put on this earth
To bring us laughter and mirth
276
00:15:35,435 --> 00:15:40,106
The entertainer, the star of the show
277
00:15:42,525 --> 00:15:44,527
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
278
00:15:47,989 --> 00:15:49,574
-Rowlfy.
-Hmm?
279
00:15:49,657 --> 00:15:52,827
Would you play that song again for moi?
280
00:15:52,911 --> 00:15:53,912
Sure.
281
00:15:53,995 --> 00:15:55,997
[PLAYING "THE ENTERTAINER"]
282
00:16:02,295 --> 00:16:06,591
♪ Now the curtain is going up ♪
283
00:16:06,675 --> 00:16:11,096
♪ The entertainer is taking her bow ♪
284
00:16:11,179 --> 00:16:15,183
♪ Does her dance step and sings her song ♪
285
00:16:15,266 --> 00:16:18,937
♪ Even gets all the audience
To sing along ♪
286
00:16:19,020 --> 00:16:22,524
♪ Yes, she knows just what she must do ♪
287
00:16:22,607 --> 00:16:26,444
♪ Knows how to bring down the house
When she's through ♪
288
00:16:26,528 --> 00:16:30,198
♪ Snappy patter and jokes
She knows what pleases the folks ♪
289
00:16:30,281 --> 00:16:33,201
♪ The entertainer, the star of the show ♪
290
00:16:33,284 --> 00:16:34,911
Put something in it, Rowlf!
291
00:16:47,757 --> 00:16:49,175
She's a born ham.
292
00:16:57,600 --> 00:16:58,977
Hubba-hubba.
293
00:17:03,481 --> 00:17:06,234
♪ And now the curtain is going up ♪
294
00:17:06,317 --> 00:17:07,318
Oh, yeah.
295
00:17:07,402 --> 00:17:10,947
♪ The entertainer is taking her bow ♪
296
00:17:11,031 --> 00:17:14,242
♪ Does her dance step and sings her song ♪
297
00:17:14,325 --> 00:17:15,368
Don't hog the piano.
298
00:17:15,452 --> 00:17:18,246
♪ Even gets all the audience
To sing along ♪
299
00:17:18,329 --> 00:17:21,875
♪ Yeah, she knows just what she must do ♪
300
00:17:21,958 --> 00:17:25,128
♪ Knows how to bring down the house
When she's through ♪
301
00:17:25,211 --> 00:17:26,254
Making the bacon.
302
00:17:26,338 --> 00:17:29,382
♪ Snappy patter and jokes
She knows what pleases the folks ♪
303
00:17:29,466 --> 00:17:32,719
♪ The entertainer, the star of the show ♪
304
00:17:34,179 --> 00:17:36,723
There we go, bringing home the pork!
305
00:17:36,806 --> 00:17:42,354
♪ The entertainer, the star of the show ♪
306
00:17:42,437 --> 00:17:44,564
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING AND CHEERING]
307
00:17:53,782 --> 00:17:55,450
[HUMMING]
308
00:17:58,203 --> 00:17:59,913
What's this?
309
00:17:59,996 --> 00:18:03,583
What does it look like,
small boy I have never seen before?
310
00:18:03,667 --> 00:18:08,088
Well, it looks like Fozzie Bear
trying to hide from Milton Berle.
311
00:18:08,171 --> 00:18:10,799
You have penetrated my disguise.
312
00:18:10,882 --> 00:18:14,511
Oh, Fozzie. Fozzie, why don't
you just go up to Milton Berle
313
00:18:14,594 --> 00:18:18,264
-and introduce yourself?
-Oh, I just couldn't do that, Scooter!
314
00:18:18,348 --> 00:18:21,726
Well, I see your point.
Milton's monologue was terrific.
315
00:18:21,810 --> 00:18:23,603
-Yeah.
-As a matter of fact,
316
00:18:23,687 --> 00:18:25,772
he's much funnier than you are.
317
00:18:25,855 --> 00:18:28,650
-If you really want to know the truth--
-I don't, I don't!
318
00:18:28,733 --> 00:18:30,735
What's wrong with old-fashioned lying?
319
00:18:30,819 --> 00:18:33,863
-Oh, Fozzie, you look upset.
-Ugh. I am, Scooter.
320
00:18:33,947 --> 00:18:36,991
-I wish I could go lie down.
-Well, what's stopping you?
321
00:18:37,075 --> 00:18:39,661
-You're standing on my beard.
-Oh, sorry.
322
00:18:39,744 --> 00:18:40,912
[YELLS]
323
00:18:44,416 --> 00:18:46,710
And now, straight from
a three-month engagement
324
00:18:46,793 --> 00:18:49,629
at the Desert Springs
Vermont Humane Society,
325
00:18:49,713 --> 00:18:53,091
here is Zelda Rose and her singing owl.
326
00:18:54,634 --> 00:18:56,803
[BAND PLAYING "WHO?"]
327
00:19:04,060 --> 00:19:05,311
OWL:
Who?
328
00:19:06,730 --> 00:19:08,606
♪ Stole my heart away ♪
329
00:19:08,690 --> 00:19:09,774
Who?
330
00:19:11,109 --> 00:19:13,153
♪ Makes me dream all day ♪
331
00:19:13,236 --> 00:19:17,490
♪ Dreams I know can never be true ♪
332
00:19:17,574 --> 00:19:22,078
♪ Seems as though I'll ever be blue ♪
333
00:19:22,162 --> 00:19:23,413
Who?
334
00:19:24,706 --> 00:19:26,624
♪ Makes my happiness ♪
335
00:19:26,708 --> 00:19:27,834
Who?
336
00:19:29,336 --> 00:19:32,255
♪ Would I answer yes to ♪
337
00:19:33,840 --> 00:19:35,800
♪ Well, you ought to guess ♪
338
00:19:35,884 --> 00:19:36,926
Who?
339
00:19:38,094 --> 00:19:39,804
♪ No one but you ♪
340
00:19:39,888 --> 00:19:40,930
-Who?
-♪ You ♪
341
00:19:41,014 --> 00:19:43,558
-Who?
-♪ No one but you ♪
342
00:19:43,641 --> 00:19:44,684
Who?
343
00:19:51,775 --> 00:19:53,818
-Oh, Fozzie.
-Shh. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
344
00:19:53,902 --> 00:19:56,863
Hey, Fozzie, this is your last chance
to meet Milton Berle.
345
00:19:56,946 --> 00:19:59,532
Kermit, I keep telling you, I just can't.
346
00:19:59,616 --> 00:20:03,244
-I wouldn't know what to say to him.
-Yeah. Well, uh, here he comes.
347
00:20:03,328 --> 00:20:06,664
Oh, oh! I'm gonna hide!
Please don't tell him where I am!
348
00:20:06,748 --> 00:20:09,084
Okay, whatever you say.
349
00:20:09,167 --> 00:20:11,628
Hey, Kermit, where's Fozzie Bear?
350
00:20:11,711 --> 00:20:15,090
Oh, uh, Fozzie Bear.
Well, funny you should mention it, he's...
351
00:20:15,173 --> 00:20:17,717
-Where is he?
-He's, uh... He's in Death Valley.
352
00:20:17,801 --> 00:20:19,678
-Death Valley?
-Yep, Death Valley.
353
00:20:19,761 --> 00:20:22,681
-What's he doing in Death Valley?
-Well, he's, uh...
354
00:20:22,764 --> 00:20:26,351
Ahem. Uh, he's...
gathering material for his act.
355
00:20:26,434 --> 00:20:29,562
I've seen his act.
He can use it. No, I'm kidding.
356
00:20:29,646 --> 00:20:34,275
You know, Kermit, I've always wanted
to do a song and dance with Fozzie Bear.
357
00:20:34,359 --> 00:20:37,696
-Hi, there!
-Fozzie! Back so soon?
358
00:20:37,779 --> 00:20:40,740
-Uh, yes, Kermit.
-How was Death Valley?
359
00:20:40,824 --> 00:20:43,910
Uh... hot. Hot, and not funny.
360
00:20:43,993 --> 00:20:47,247
Nope. Nope, too hot to be funny
in Death Valley.
361
00:20:47,330 --> 00:20:50,917
Yep, folks, once more,
the bear talks his way out of things.
362
00:20:51,001 --> 00:20:53,044
Uh...
363
00:20:53,128 --> 00:20:54,921
-Fozzie, I was...
-Yes, sir?
364
00:20:55,005 --> 00:20:57,674
I was just telling Kermit
that I've always wanted
365
00:20:57,757 --> 00:21:00,677
to do a song and dance with you.
366
00:21:00,760 --> 00:21:03,388
You? You? A song and dance with me?
367
00:21:03,471 --> 00:21:06,558
You, the king of the baggy pants comics?
368
00:21:06,641 --> 00:21:13,231
-You, the... the...
-How about, uh... top banana?
369
00:21:13,314 --> 00:21:15,025
But...
370
00:21:15,108 --> 00:21:17,444
Top banana.
371
00:21:17,527 --> 00:21:21,031
Listen, Mr. Berle, if you want me
to call you a banana, I'll do it.
372
00:21:21,114 --> 00:21:25,368
I'll call you a Brussels sprout,
a plum, whatever, I'll do it.
373
00:21:25,452 --> 00:21:29,914
No. No, kid. You see, "top banana"
is what they called the head comic
374
00:21:29,998 --> 00:21:32,834
-back in the days of burlesque.
-Oh!
375
00:21:32,917 --> 00:21:34,961
-Let me tell you something.
-Okay, yeah.
376
00:21:35,045 --> 00:21:36,421
[PIANO MUSIC PLAYING]
377
00:21:36,504 --> 00:21:38,673
-You listening, Fozzie?
-Oh, yeah, yes, yes.
378
00:21:40,050 --> 00:21:44,137
Your big-timers
and your small-timers, Fozz,
379
00:21:44,220 --> 00:21:46,556
never made it the easy way.
380
00:21:46,639 --> 00:21:48,683
Here's the way it usually goes.
381
00:21:48,767 --> 00:21:54,189
The star comes first,
then the leading man, then the actors...
382
00:21:54,272 --> 00:21:56,274
♪ In the play ♪
383
00:21:56,358 --> 00:22:00,153
♪ There are no comics
Like low comics ♪
384
00:22:00,236 --> 00:22:03,782
♪ Who finally make the grade ♪
385
00:22:03,865 --> 00:22:06,076
♪ Oh, I recall, sweetheart ♪
386
00:22:06,159 --> 00:22:08,495
♪ All the phony starts ♪
387
00:22:08,578 --> 00:22:13,166
♪ And the lousy parts I played ♪
388
00:22:13,249 --> 00:22:15,919
Come on, Fozzie, follow me, huh? Come on.
389
00:22:16,920 --> 00:22:19,589
[BAND PLAYING UPBEAT COMICAL MUSIC]
390
00:22:22,592 --> 00:22:25,512
♪ If you wanna be the top banana ♪
391
00:22:25,595 --> 00:22:28,848
♪ You gotta start
From the bottom of the bunch ♪
392
00:22:28,932 --> 00:22:32,227
♪ You gotta know the joke
About the farmer's daughter ♪
393
00:22:32,310 --> 00:22:35,605
♪ Then take it in the kisser
With the soda water ♪
394
00:22:39,484 --> 00:22:42,487
♪ If you wanna be a burlesque comic ♪
395
00:22:42,570 --> 00:22:45,365
♪ It's basic training
For you to take a punch ♪
396
00:22:46,574 --> 00:22:49,285
♪ You gotta roll your eyes
And make a funny face ♪
397
00:22:49,369 --> 00:22:50,870
♪ And do it taking holler ♪
398
00:22:50,954 --> 00:22:52,330
♪ This must be the place ♪
399
00:22:52,414 --> 00:22:55,208
♪ If you wanna be the top banana ♪
400
00:22:55,291 --> 00:22:58,211
♪ You gotta start from the bottom up ♪
401
00:23:01,798 --> 00:23:03,466
Hey, hey, hey, where are you going?
402
00:23:04,718 --> 00:23:06,428
I'm taking my case to court.
403
00:23:08,013 --> 00:23:10,515
Oh, no! Oh, no, oh, no!
404
00:23:10,598 --> 00:23:14,811
-Oh, no. What's the matter, my good man?
-Who is this? Who is this?
405
00:23:14,894 --> 00:23:17,564
-Why, it's me.
-Oh, good, I thought it was me.
406
00:23:20,900 --> 00:23:22,485
[MILTON WHISTLING]
407
00:23:22,569 --> 00:23:23,903
Hey, hey! Now where you going?
408
00:23:23,987 --> 00:23:26,197
I'm taking my case to a higher court.
409
00:23:27,490 --> 00:23:28,908
[MILTON GROANS]
410
00:23:30,368 --> 00:23:32,454
Hey, hey, now where you going, Sam?
411
00:23:32,537 --> 00:23:36,082
Sam? How did you know?
412
00:23:36,166 --> 00:23:37,417
How did you know...?
413
00:23:37,500 --> 00:23:39,252
-Yes? Yes?
-Pretty good, folks?
414
00:23:39,336 --> 00:23:41,463
How'd you know my name was...
415
00:23:41,546 --> 00:23:43,631
Will you wait till I tell it, folks,
please?
416
00:23:43,715 --> 00:23:46,259
-How'd you know my name was Sam?
-I guessed it.
417
00:23:46,343 --> 00:23:48,053
Then guess where I'm going.
418
00:23:51,514 --> 00:23:53,767
Hey, hey, hey, what happened in court?
419
00:23:55,602 --> 00:23:58,855
You wanna know? Stop the music.
420
00:23:58,938 --> 00:24:00,065
[MUSIC STOPS]
421
00:24:00,148 --> 00:24:02,442
-Do we have to do this joke?
-We gotta do it.
422
00:24:02,525 --> 00:24:03,902
Oh.
423
00:24:03,985 --> 00:24:07,113
-It's an oldie, pal.
-I know, I know. Do it.
424
00:24:07,197 --> 00:24:09,366
You've got a lot of guts, pal,
I'll tell you that.
425
00:24:09,449 --> 00:24:10,492
Go, go, do it.
426
00:24:10,575 --> 00:24:13,161
Well, feed me once more, please.
Feed me, feed me.
427
00:24:13,244 --> 00:24:16,748
-Hey, what happened in court?
-Are you ready?
428
00:24:16,831 --> 00:24:18,208
I lost the suit.
429
00:24:20,919 --> 00:24:23,838
♪ If you wanna be the top banana ♪
430
00:24:23,922 --> 00:24:27,300
♪ You gotta start
From the bottom of the bunch ♪
431
00:24:27,384 --> 00:24:30,720
♪ An actor has to bring on tears
Without a giggle ♪
432
00:24:30,804 --> 00:24:33,682
♪ A top banana has to have
Two ears that wiggle ♪
433
00:24:33,765 --> 00:24:36,643
♪ You may wanna imitate Noël Coward ♪
434
00:24:36,726 --> 00:24:38,436
♪ You'll get more laughs by saying ♪
435
00:24:38,520 --> 00:24:40,146
What the hey!
436
00:24:40,230 --> 00:24:43,441
♪ We hardly find the drawing room
A source of mirth ♪
437
00:24:43,525 --> 00:24:46,194
♪ But put us in a bedroom
Or an upper berth ♪
438
00:24:46,277 --> 00:24:49,322
♪ If you wanna be the top banana ♪
439
00:24:49,406 --> 00:24:56,413
♪ You gotta start from the bottom up ♪
440
00:24:56,496 --> 00:24:58,498
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
441
00:25:01,543 --> 00:25:03,753
Well, we've reached
the end of another one, folks.
442
00:25:03,837 --> 00:25:06,965
Let's have a big round of applause
for Mr. Milton Berle!
443
00:25:07,048 --> 00:25:09,259
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING AND WHISTLING]
444
00:25:09,342 --> 00:25:11,553
Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you.
445
00:25:11,636 --> 00:25:13,179
Fozzie, what are you doing out here?
446
00:25:13,263 --> 00:25:16,850
Milton and I are the best of friends now,
right, Uncle Miltie?
447
00:25:16,933 --> 00:25:19,602
-That's right.
-Yeah, from now on, I can see it.
448
00:25:19,686 --> 00:25:21,646
It's the Bear and the Berle.
449
00:25:21,730 --> 00:25:24,441
Heh. Wrong. It's the Berle and the Bear.
450
00:25:24,524 --> 00:25:27,652
Oh. Yes, O master of mine. Grovel, grovel.
451
00:25:27,736 --> 00:25:29,988
Remember that, "grovel, grovel." Okay.
452
00:25:30,071 --> 00:25:32,282
And we'll see you all next time
on The Muppet Show.
453
00:25:32,365 --> 00:25:34,075
[BAND PLAYING THEME MUSIC]
454
00:26:13,865 --> 00:26:16,409
Well, I finally got
my hearing aid working.
455
00:26:16,493 --> 00:26:18,661
Hmm? Speak up,
my hearing aid's not working.
456
00:26:18,745 --> 00:26:19,871
Huh?
35597
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