All language subtitles for The Middleman S01E09 The Obsolescent Cryogenic Meltdown 1080p AMZN WEB-DL DDP5 1 H 264-NTb_track4_[eng]

♪ ♪

You texted, I came.

Do you love it?

The Batter of the
Bulge Pancake House?

Well, in the pantheon of places I'd like
to be taken by a gentleman caller...

You don't find the promise of Luftwaffles
and Panzer cakes irresistible?

While I do admire the culinary genius
who thought to forge the human drama

of the Allied struggle
against Nazi Germany

with the goodness of
all day breakfast...

- I didn't bring you here for the pancakes, Dubs.
- You didn't?

I may be a starving musician, but
give me a little more credit.

Well, thank God, because,
technically, this is our third date,

and while things have been known
to happen on third dates,

the Batter of the Bulge Pancake
House isn't exactly a deal maker.

Though the thought of
"things happening"

has occasionally occurred
to me since we met,

it's not why I brought
you to this bunker

of maple syrup and mortar fire.

Hold these, if you please.

- Why am I standing up?
- Step this way, please.

But I was just about to order a cruller
named after the Invasion of Crete!

Just a couple more
steps, Porsche Dubster.

What's with the quarters?

All your questions will
be answered right now.

Sweet Mother of Nolan Bushnell.

- It's Gut Wrencher 1.
- It's Gut Wrencher 1!

The goriest side-scroller in
history, banned in 17 countries,

the only arcade game
ever to be denounced

by both Tipper Gore
and the Dalai Lama.

They only made 150 of these
before it all went set-top.

But only the coin-op edition has the
additional four levels of sheer carnage

that the home edition
did not have.

This is my favorite.
How did you know?

Because you're made of awesome.

Oh, my God, Tyler, I...

Don't get all mushy on me, princess.
I came to play.

[screaming on game]

Come on, shoot him!
He's at 60 percent!

- Keep him off me, I gotta get the Scud missile.
- Come on!

- He just chopped off my leg!
- I'm going as fast as I can.

Oh, he took my other leg! That's
it, Tyler Ford shall smite you!

All right, I got
this one, Fordo.

[video game explosions]

Wow.

We just destroyed the 86th
level Bloodlust Catamite.

Yeah, with a Scud missile.

And it only took 18 dollars in
quarters to finish the game.

- Ida, what the...?
- Quite the minx, isn't she?

- Story of O! Turn it off!
- Full surveillance, standard operating procedure

whenever a Middleman starts a
meaningful personal relationship.

Wendy's like a
little sister to me.

Sorry, it's in the
manual, I gotta do this.

- This is horrifying!
- No choice, pal. Part of the job.

We do not abuse our surveillance
privilege like that.

[turns off monitor]

- [turns on monitor]
- Wimp.

♪ Middleman ♪

[Tyler] Absolutely not, I totally
delivered the killing blow.

If I hadn't shot that Scud
into its catamite behind,

you'd still be at the
controls and legless.

I totally warmed him up for you.

- Gut Wrencher 2 on the emulator tonight?
- Like you have to ask.

Bye.

So things went well
at the pancake house?

They had a coin-op
Gut Wrencher 1.

Say no more.

I just wish I wasn't having
such a difficult time of this.

- Sex, waffles and videogames? What am I missing?
- Can you keep a secret?

Have I told anyone
about that thing

with the blueberry pudding pops
and the elliptical machine?

It's my mutant power.

Can you make fire
with your mind?

- 'Cause that would explain some things.
- No.

Every time I'm in a relationship with
someone, I can always see how it's gonna end.

Oh, come on. That's
Japanese game show crazy.

- It's true.
- We've roomed and now you tell me about your mutant ability?

With great power comes
great responsibility.

What about Ben? If you'd known that
he would videotape your breakup

- and put it on the Internet...
- I knew it would involve film.

What about Tyler?
How's that gonna end?

That's the problem.
I don't know.

Not only do you have
a mutant ability,

you have a mutant ability
that isn't even working.

And it's freaking me out.

Over the years I've
gotten used to knowing

that my relationships
were doomed and why

- and it's weirdly comforting.
- That makes no sense.

But after three dates and a
videogame carnage-inspired hookup,

I still have no idea about Tyler.
I just don't know what to do.

Proceed, you dolt.

- I knew you wouldn't understand.
- Oh, I understand...

...that you're groping for an emotional
escape hatch because of what happened

with Ben and Steve and
Rodney and Tommy Tam.

Just keep this to yourself, OK?

Hello, ladies. I need some
caffeine action post-haste.

- Anvil drank all my coffee again.
- Hey, Noser.

Wendy thinks she has this
ability that tells her

- when and how all her relationships are going to end.
- Lacey!

That just sounds to me like a
coping mechanism to avoid intimacy.

All right, that's enough.

You've got to stop looking for
the emotional rip-cord, Dub-Dub,

or you're gonna find out that your
parachute's really a backpack.

What's that even mean?

- Uh, Dubbie... hey.
- "Hey?"

Yes, hey. Uh, there's something
you and I need to discuss.

It involves your Middlewatch and the
real time situation recording archive.

Oh, that thing in my watch
that records everything I...

Oh, my God. You
saw me and Tyler!

Dubbie, there is watching
and there is seeing.

And I did not watch,
but I did see.

It was a split second, really.

Of course, part of the training
means I can memorize a crime scene

- with nothing more than a glance.
- Aw! Gross!

There's something called Code 86.
It's a protocol we have in place

to shut down the recording archive
should a member of the organization

require privacy of
a personal nature.

Why didn't you tell me before?

I didn't think you'd
need it this soon.

Can we just talk about something
else or solve a crime or something?

You're in luck. Someone just
melted a jewelry store downtown.

- Melted?
- Like butter.

Let's go.

I'm Dr. Alexander Scott. This is
my associate, Kelly Robinson.

- We're with the Pentagon.
- When will you have a name?

- I'm sorry, ma'am, a name?
- Of the man who came to my jewelry store,

melted the back wall and stole seven
figures in precious necklaces.

All I need is a name.

Are you former KGB,
by any chance?

- No.
- Can you describe the perpetrator?

Looked like Andy Warhol.

Long black overcoat,

Wayfarer sunglasses,
thick red scarf

and store-melting ray gun.

You give us a name, we
pay you handsomely.

Are you sure you
aren't former KGB?

Positive.

What kind of wing-nut
are we talking about?

The kind who could kill millions,
take down cities, countries

and even puppy dogs
and playgrounds

and one whose MO seems strangely,
uncannily familiar to me.

Strangely, uncannily familiar?

Dubbie, this calls for
swift and decisive action.

It's a good thing we're taking
swift and decisive action.

No really, this is a level of ass-kickery
I've never experienced before.

In the immortal words
of Bertolt Brecht,

"Hungry man, reach for a book.
It is a weapon!"

Brecht was a communist.

Dubbie, you are looking
at The Middlelore.

Every foe The Middlemen have faced over the
centuries is recorded and stored here.

Ah! Here's an oldie but
a goody: The Domino.

- You had a Cuban supervillain?
- Lithuanian.

Tried to create a domino effect to knock
down all the buildings in the city.

Check this guy out.
The Fabulous Face.

He tried to replace everyone in the
White House with evil doubles.

And he succeeded, though no one
seemed to notice at the time.

And here's Dr. Solaris, who tried to taint
the water supply with a boredom toxin.

Which someone seems
to have used on you.

Can I run something
personal by you?

Of course, Dubbie.

You know Tyler. The
guy you and Ida...

The one you were supposed
to be keeping an eye on

but instead wound up
having a Code 86 with?

Yes. He's so perfect
in so many ways.

- And everything's going so great...
- Ah, limerence.

That's a funky name
for a villain.

That's the scientific
term for romantic love.

If you're in it, you'd better enjoy every
bit of it because it doesn't last.

I would be enjoying it, if it
wasn't for my mutant ability.

Your psychological tests would
have shown us any extra-human...

I don't mean anything like that.

I guess what I mean
is, uh, intuition.

Every time I get
into a relationship,

I can always visualize
how it's going to end.

And with Tyler, I can't.

It's totally killing me.

You have any idea
what that's like?

No. It sounds like something

out of one of those hateful
independent films.

This is exactly why I
stick to westerns.

Why did I think you
were gonna be any help?

Dubbie, love is simple.
You have it or you don't.

Everything else is either
delusion or self-sabotage.

Fragments of moon rock!

- The Candle.
- I knew the MO rang a bell.

It has to be he. The Candle, formerly
Professor Lloyd Cramden, Ph.D,

until he was driven mad by the death of
his family in a freak ice rink meltdown

and vowed to design a weapon that would
subject the entire world to his private pain.

Ida, I need you on the HEYDAR.

- We think The Candle has returned.
- The Candle?

Formerly Professor
Lloyd Cramden?

Too late, toaster. We
know the back story.

- We haven't seen hide nor hair from him since 1969.
- [electronic beeping]

We have reason to
believe he's returned.

I need a cross-referenced list of news
and information on data platforms

relating to any developments
that might pertain to the name,

- technologies or known associates of The Candle.
- [jazz music]

What's with the space
age bachelor pad music?

Ida, did you just
disobey a direct order?

- [music continues]
- [Middleman] Ida! What's happening?

[machine whirring]

I guess this is as good a time as any
to ask. Where's that door lead to?

Among other things, the
Middleman's Cryogenics vault.

Cryogenics?

He ordered me to do this.

He told me to unfreeze him if The
Candle ever reared his ugly head again.

Who?

Wendy Watson, boss,

allow me to present,

all the way from 1969...

You can call me the Middleman.

Someone has exactly five seconds
to tell me what's going on

before I call the sexual
harassment hotline.

- How long have I been under?
- Forty years.

This is amazing.

I always knew 02STK had the technology
to cryogenically freeze Middlemen...

- O2STK?
- Organization Too Secret to Know.

It's our little joke.
Like you and I had.

[both] WTHWWF.

Whoever the Heck We Work For?

Whatever they're called, they can make us
into Middlesicles when they feel like it?

I did this to myself, Sticks.

With the order
that Ida thawed me

whenever my arch-nemesis, The
Candle, emerged from hiding.

- Wow. This is an honor.
- You must be the new model.

- Take that, would you?
- Boss?

[both] Yes?

Sorry. Old habit.

Perhaps we should call our new
friend by the year he was frozen.

Sixty-nine.

I have your uniform
freshly pressed...

- ...and waiting for you.
- You're an angel, Ida.

Well, like the man said, lead,
follow, or get out of the way.

I knew The Candle faked his death. It was
the only way he could shake my tail.

Sheer elegance in
its simplicity?

- Bad guys still saying that?
- Like a broken record.

If The Candle has come back, you
can bet he's shopping around

for a supply of Balthorium-G, but he isn't
counting on me, his original adversary.

Still young and burning
for the fight.

What's Balthorium-G?

Balthorium-G is the fuel he
uses to power his melting ray.

- Aw, phooey.
- Phooey? What is that?

- It's a polite way of saying [bleep].
- Oh. Since when are we polite?

Ah. My old uniform.

I've always said the
clothes make the man.

Or woman.

- He's looking at me all pervy, isn't he?
- Of course not.

- I can feel it.
- Actually, I am.

I bet you've got
spectacular stems.

I'm wondering why you
don't show them off.

- We should discuss strategy.
- Three steps ahead.

We take out an ad in the Thrifty
Nickel under the name "Harry Lime."

When The Candle reads that I've got Balthorium-G
for sale, he'll have no choice but to answer.

You think an elite super-villain
reads the Thrifty Nickel?

The supermarket
classified newsletter?

You fear men won't
take you seriously,

that's why you hide that shapely
body under that muu-muu.

I hide my ass-kicking, Sensei Ping trained
body because this is the required uniform.

Is that what you told her?

What kind of nancy boy

makes a hot, spicy Spanish
girl hide her stuff in a sack?

- I can pick my own uniform?
- You bet your sweet Brioni.

It's too early to
rule out a copycat.

This might not be The Candle.

I'll have Ida run a scan
for the Balthorium-G.

The Candle always talked to his fences
in code through the Thrifty Nickel.

A lot of things are
different now.

Please. I'm not some comical throwback to
the Summer of Love. I know my way around.

All sorts of new technologies
that you may not be...

Like what, the HEYDAR?
I had one.

- Well, the Internet, e-mail...
- Had it!

Cell phones?

Had to retire them.
Brain cancer thing.

Trust me, Nellie, old cats
never change their stripes.

It's gonna be the
Thrifty Nickel.

I don't have to wear this coat?

You can wear whatever
you like, schatzi...

- Fresh.
- Thank you.

Ida, how is it that I've
been frozen for 40 years,

but you haven't aged a day?

Oh, stop, ya old flirt.

- Ida, get on The HEYDAR.
- Ida, get on the horn to...

Sorry. He was my boss first.

So, what's it gonna
be, hot stuff?

The Thrifty Nickel.

Oh, and I'm gonna need a
bottle of Hai Karate, as well.

Now I understand the first rule:
there can be only one Middleman.

You may want to make
yourself scarce.

The lions have some pride business
to work out among themselves.

I can pick my own uniform?

- Tyler?
- Hey. Lacey let me in.

But don't worry. I only spent the first ten
minutes rifling through your underwear drawer.

- And now I'm testing your oven.
- We have an oven?

It's the metal box where
you store the extra paint.

I thought you'd appreciate coming home to
an anchovy pizza with a side of ranch.

That's my favorite.

You mentioned it during the story
about your botched quinceañera.

Of course, I didn't
expect you home so soon.

Am I the only one getting
the awkward vibe?

No, there's an awkward vibe.

Hey, look, sex is one
thing, but cooking...?

If it's too soon, I get it.

No, that's not what I mean.

- I just...
- Oh, no. You know about me.

You read it on the Web or
heard it at one of the clubs.

Just come out and say
it, Dreams of Monica.

Dreams of Monica?

The neo-hippy jam band hit?
The number one song?

That's not what this is about?
I assumed you Googled me.

No, I didn't. But
I'm totally gonna.

Oh, brother. Uh... [chuckles]

I was the lead guitarist
in Casanova Charlie.

Awesome.

Wait. Shouldn't you be richer?

And less groomed. And on Valtrex.
Should I?

I should be lots of things.

But I left the
band after Monica,

my monogamous and herpie-free
girlfriend, and I broke up.

"I only have dreams of Monica
She's the night I long for

She's the light I see

I'm working on a second verse.
It goes something like:

Monica left me for
that d-bag bass player

And I walked away from the
band before they hit it big

- It's catchy.
- Yeah.

Whoever I go out with,
they eventually find out

and I just become Tyler
the not-a-rock-star,

and when the novelty
wears off, I'm just

Tyler, the-martyr who-gave-it-all-up-
to-take-the-moral-high-road.

You know what? The more
I get to know you,

the less I want to
know how it ends.

What does that mean?

I don't see anything in The
Middlelore that explains

how The Candle went about
acquiring his Balthorium-G.

- Jaguar.
- Like the feral cat?

The Brazilian fashion model
I was "entertaining"

instead of updating
The Middlelore.

The Candle will come to us.
Relax.

I got your Hai Karate and a fifth
of Fleming's Commander Jamaica rum.

Ida, please run the search I've been
requesting for the past two hours.

Right after you mix
me up a Cuba Libre.

Fine. I'll do it myself.

If only to prove no
evil was ever thwarted

by lounging on a pelt
and sipping moonshine.

[ringing]

Talk to me.

Why, yes, this is Harry Lime,

and I am looking to
unload some Balthorium-G.

Don't be stingy on
the sauce, Ida.

You don't really think The Candle's
gonna fall for this lame sting, do you?

A stakeout can be a
valuable bonding exercise

and this is an excellent
opportunity to...

Fire and brimstone! We do not
smoke in The Middlemobile.

Why not? Is there something
combustible in here?

Only my temper when I see a man
willingly invite cancer into his body.

Cancer? Everyone knows the
Surgeon General is a Red dupe.

I bet Wendy would
enjoy a cigarette.

She's a girl who knows
how to get crazy.

Oh, did you have
another Code 86?

It ain't a Code 86 if you
don't activate the protocol.

This was more like a hot night
at the Boom-Boom Burlesque.

- Oh, lord!
- Don't be square, baby.

Studies show women have a boost in
intelligence after the physical act of love.

What this group needs
are stakeout treats.

Pick me up some jelly babies
while you're out there, Hazel.

So, who is the lucky stallion?

The only guy I'm thinking
about is The Candle.

- He's not here yet.
- You don't know that.

Oh, yes I do. I can sense him.

An arch-nemesis isn't
just an adversary.

He's the ying to your yang. Yes,
that's Buddhism, sweet pea.

And I've learned to
anticipate his every ying.

I can tell your boss isn't really the type
to have these sorts of chats with you,

bu I'm just gonna lay
it down straight.

Have all the fun you
want with your guy

but cast him aside
before you fall in love.

- You don't believe in love?
- Of course I believe in love.

That's what we fight for.
So the world can love.

Unfortunately, we're
not the world.

I've seen it before.

Everyone starts this
job the same way.

Wide-eyed idealists thinking they can have
it all. Save the day and get the girl.

- But it always ends the same way.
- How does it always end?

With the love of your life eviscerated by
some super-genius in a cape and a body sock.

That happened to you?

That's how it ended with my first wife.
And the third and fourth.

- What about the second?
- She left me for a super-villain.

- That sucks.
- Yeah.

You sweat the satin, share some laughs,
then she gets her face melted off

by some ray gun
wielding beatnik.

[both] The Candle!

I'm gonna ask you one question.

You have three
chances to answer.

Where is The Candle?

I told you. The Candle's dead.

That's one. Here's your second shot.
Where is The Candle?

There's, like, a hundred
people who can verify it.

His funeral was packed
with friends and family.

His granddaughter read a poem she wrote.
Ask her. Or his priest.

A super-villain with a priest?

To me he was just kindly Mr.
McCandle,

the cardigan-wearing old
guy from the neighborhood.

My dad died when I was little.

- The Candle killed him?
- No. Cancer. He was a smoker.

Mom needed help around the
house, and he was really handy.

Sometimes while he was fixing the garbage
disposal or whatever he'd tell me stories

about how he was a super-villain
before he found Jesus.

I thought he was kidding. But
this weird thing happened.

- He melted your house?
- He gave me a letter.

He told me not to read
it until he was dead.

After the funeral, I read it, and he told
me how I could find his melting ray,

and how to use the Thrifty
Nickel to find Balthorium-G.

He wanted you to
continue his work?

Wanted me to donate
it to science,

see if they could find out
how to use it for good.

Come on, a guy leaves you a melting ray,
you're not gonna steal some things?

- The whole thing is just...
- Sheer elegance in its simplicity.

Listen up, you damned, dirty hippie.
This is your last chance.

- [Middleman] Put him down!
- I'll put him down, all right!

- What the hell is that?
- The thing that's gonna bash in your commie flower-child head

if you don't tell me
where The Candle is!

- Like I said, he's dead.
- Liar!

- Enough.
- No.

He sings or he picks up his own
teeth with broken fingers.

We need to speak outside.

Don't you know how to
conduct an interrogation?

- Who you save the world from? Kittens?
- It's over.

He's lying but you're too much
of a little girl to see it!

You served this organization
with pride and honor.

And I thank you
for your service.

- What is that?
- The chance to retire with dignity.

- Step aside.
- You're out of line. Middleman only uses violence...

When the fate of the
world is at stake. Yeah!

You got the first one for free.

Sorry, sugar buns. There can only
be one Middleman and he's it.

"...let this Middleman,
this sword of the people,

rest in the fond sheath
of retirement...

sharp as the justice he did
once and will forever champion.

Pugnantes malos ne hos pugnetis

And now, a passage from my
poem, The Unbroken Chain.

- Why don't we just skip it?
- Very well.

We'll proceed with the watch presentation.
Interrodroid?

Take it in, honey.

This too can someday
be all yours.

Our issues aside, a Middleman who makes it
to retirement is breathing rarefied air.

I admire you.

You entered a Middleman,
you leave a civilian.

For the record, please
state your name.

My name is Guy Goddard.
Choke on it.

[knocking]

Hello, Lacey.

Hi... strange but alluring
man with broad shoulders

who inexplicably knows my name.
Can I help you?

Why, yes. You can help by
offering the name of the scent

gracing that milky
white skin of yours.

Turpentine, papier mâché,
fake blood and hot glue.

I'll just call it heaven.
Guy Goddard.

My friends call me "God."

Lacey Thornfield.

But, yet, you already
inexplicably know that.

Not so inexplicable. I
work with your roommate.

Guy? What are you doing here?

At present, I'm looking
for some hooch.

- Hey!
- You stay away from my roommate.

- I meant a drink.
- Oh.

Fatboy's Farm Apple Wine.

Swanky. To snuffing
out The Candle.

Guy. You gotta give it up.

Really? Because after that sham ceremony,
I hit the whisper stream hard.

I got results, and I got a plan.

Does your plan involve realizing
that The Candle's dead?

Think I'm gonna spend the rest of
my days like an unfrozen caveman,

marvelling at your brave new world of
drive-through coffee and online porn?

This situation stinks, dollface.

A million dollars in jewels were taken
and that kid can't account for them.

He said he gave them to a fence.

Sure he did, but pour
this into your jigger.

There's a huge amount of
money floating out there.

Now add a splash of this.

Lord Jeremiah Purcell, the
Eurotrash arms merchant,

just brought 4,000 angstroms of
Balthorium-G into the country.

Finally, add this pickled onion.

It takes one angstrom to
wipe out an entire city.

The perfect gimlet
of melt-ageddon.

Not if we sneak into Lord
Jeremiah Purcell's vault

and place a tracker in the
vessel holding the Balthorium-G.

If I'm right, we catch
The Candle red-handed.

I'm wrong, and The Candle is
dead, no one will be the wiser.

Maybe you are right, but I can't
just go behind The Middleman's back.

Your boss thinks I'm a loose cannon.
He won't believe a word I have to say.

And while he dithers, 4,000
city-melting angstroms of Balthorium-G

are going to be out
there in the open.

Wendy, being a
Middleman in training

is about more than just
replacing us should we die.

It's keeping us honest,

making us see the other angle.

How do we sneak in?

Tonight, Lord Jeremiah
Purcell is hosting

a nefarious bunch of scoundrels

and ne'er-do-wells
for a game of cards.

Cards? Great. I'm in.

Not so fast. Have you
ever played Shibumi?

It's a wicked, soulless game.

Each player is dealt a
full deck of cards.

Every card has its own name.

There's 589 unique physical and
verbal challenges to every hand

and if anyone shows the slightest
ignorance of the game's Byzantine rules,

they are decapitated by Lord
Jeremiah Purcell's manservant,

the speechless, thoughtless
brute, Govinda.

I killed an 86th level Bloodlust
Catamite on Gut Wrencher 1.

- I think I can handle your little card game.
- Deal.

Now, you're gonna have to learn two
things in the next 15 minutes,

how to play Shibumi and how
to dress like a real woman.

This is how a real
woman dresses?

- I don't make the rules, Twiggy, I'm just...
- The Middleman.

Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to our game.

I'd like to introduce
our newest player,

the American gambler Harry Rule

and his dissolute lover, the
Contessa Caroline Di Contini.

Our players: Anatol Gogol,
also known as The Monocle,

Count Manzeppi, The Scot,

and, of course, the
icy Vilma Schnipp.

I, Lord Jeremiah Purcell,
will call the game,

and as always my manservant,

the speechless, thoughtless brute
Govinda will keep the players honest.

Mr. Rule, every player has brought a rare
and priceless artifact as their stake.

What have you brought
to our table?

The missing 18 and
a half minutes.

Weren't you a Popsicle in '72?

Time travel. I spent five
days in the 70's back in '66.

Dealers! The cards!

Your play, Mr. Rule.
No pressure.

All that's at stake: the official schematics
for the lunar landing soundstage.

Read 'em and weep.

Fifty-two of a kind!

If you'll excuse me, I'll run
off to the little boys' room

and the lady will
take over my hand.

Welcome to the game, Countess.

Tuts beat Slims, Cats beat Tuts.

Double rainbow.

- Brava.
- [applause]

Two mannequins.

Three mannequins.

Four mannequins?

No mannequins. No way, no how.

She's called your bluff, Miss
Schnipp, and that means a siege!

[electronic beeping]

[blowing]

Anatol Gogol takes the siege.

A glue stick?

A cheat among us! Govinda! Now!

- No one dies on my watch.
- Seize her!

Dubbie, duck!

[screaming]

[thumping]

- [Dubbie] Thanks.
- Don't mention it.

- How did you know...
- Been watching out for you all along.

I'd be a cruddy Middleman if I didn't assume
Guy would come at you with some proposal.

Guys like Guy, they never quit.
Now, where is he?

Ripley's Believe it or Not!

Guy!

He melted my hand.

The Candle? He really is alive?

- And the Balthorium-G?
- Oh, he took it all.

Four thousand angstroms before
I could put the tracer in.

Yeah, he, uh, said he was
gonna melt the moon.

[both] Oh, phooey.

Yeah. Phooey.

[Ida] Hold still,
my little woobie.

Pan down the puppy
dog eyes, Ida.

This isn't the hand that rocks the
cradle, if you know what I mean.

Don't get fresh with me, pony boy, I might
actually have to take you up on something.

Guy. I owe you an apology.
I take back what I said.

I wish I could take
back what happened.

We're soldiers. We
knew the risks.

I should have known that being a
Middleman isn't something you turn off.

Don't let's start
liplocking just yet.

People. Me losing a meathook 'cause I
couldn't stop scratching the itch is a drag,

so let's talk about
something more interesting.

The Candle is out there, and I know exactly
where he's taking that Balthorium-G.

- Snake Island.
- What is that, near Dead Man's Bluff?

Right below The Devil's Throat. I'm
glad to see you've done your homework.

I was just being snarky.

October of '69, right before The
Candle vanished, rumor had it

he was building the world's
largest melting ray.

I'm betting aardvarks-to-asses that he's
loading up that moon-melting weapon

with the 4,000 angstroms
of Balthorium-G

from Lord Jeremiah Purcell's
nefarious mansion.

[Middleman] Not if we
destroy that melting ray.

Ida?

Use the HEYDAR to scan
the Pacific Ocean

and look for Snake Island, alleged
home of The Candle. Roger that.

Guys, I hate to rain on anyone's parade,
but The Middlejet only has room for one,

- so am I on secret Island lair strafing duty or what?
- [men laugh]

Chickie baby's never been to a
supervillain island lair has she?

Sweetie, when a bad man builds a home for his
world-destroying ray, the first things he buys...

- Automated missile defense package.
- Barrier mines.

Android guards to protect the island
after the supervillain has died.

And a lot of
Scandinavian furniture.

How do we get to
The Candle's lair?

Maybe Scotty can beam us down.

It's an obscure reference to a canceled television
show. I'm sure you've never heard of it.

Actually, I do have a plan.
The DSV-4600 Middlesub.

The 4600. We haven't really
used that in quite a while.

Better take it out of mothballs.

Only its asbestos will deflect
the island's defense system.

- Right.
- Then it's settled.

- we're off to Snake Island.
- In the cancer sub?

[phone ringing]

- Hey.
- Hey, Tyler.

I'm about to knock on your door.

[knocking] Can you hear that?

Oh man, now I feel even
worse than before.

- You're not home, are you?
- I'm so sorry.

And the tone of your "I'm sorry" leads me to
believe you're not gonna be here any time soon.

Noser has a key. You could let yourself in and
cook me another meal and leave it in the fridge.

Don't tempt me. My gazpacho
refrigerates like a snow-nado.

- A tornado made of snow?
- You know it.

Why are you being so cool?

Because I love that you have a
job you love and are good at.

You do what you have to do and when
you get back, I'll still be around.

- Really?
- Wendy.

Maybe tomorrow you'll leave
me for some d-bag bass player

or maybe we'll wake
up 70 years from now

on the front porch of some Florida old folks
community rubbing Vicks on each other.

- Tempting!
- What I'm saying is, I'm in this,

and I'd be a pretty cruddy guy if all it took
to get me out of it was a late night at work.

- I'll talk to you soon.
- Later.

Don't worry, I'll get you
back home in one piece.

Must be difficult for you, having
Original Recipe around, taking control.

He's hardly original anything.
He's one in a long line. As am I.

Doing our job.

Our job means he's wearing a
hook the rest of his life.

Why does he do it? Why do you?

Seriously. You can't retire
happily, you can't love...

Can't love? Halls of Montezuma, Dubbie!
Who told you that?

- He did.
- And you took his word for it?

He said it was impossible.

Love isn't an impossibility for us.
It's an impossibility for him.

Then why aren't you with anyone?

My choices are my own.

And make no mistake. I've
loved and been loved.

If true love shows up at your
doorstep, and you drive it away,

that's on you, not the
job or anything else.

This place looks deserted.

Don't be fooled.

The Candle's melting ray could be
anywhere and ready to fire at any minute.

I have a question. Why are
you guys in wetsuits,

and I'm in this Honey Ryder
Thunderball nightmare?

Honey Ryder's from Doctor No.

Ah, you make me sick.

[both] Scandinavian furniture.

There are three exits out of this chamber.
We'd better split up.

[rumbling]

Earthquake?

I believe that's a third stage
Balthorium-G electromechanical turbine

going though its
initiation sequence.

We better hurry. You take that corridor.
I'll take this one.

That one's yours, sweet thing.
I'll call when I find the Ray Gun.

[machine whirring]

Shores of Tripoli!

- The melting ray, that's the sound of...
- I know.

- But it's too late, we have to go back.
- Too late for what?

I'm sorry. Your
Middleman, he's dead.

This was a trap.

The Candle melted your boss, now
he's melting the island. We go back.

- He can't be.
- But he is.

We can't just leave him here.

The Candle melted him!

I'm going down there. I
have to see for myself.

Sorry, toots.

But the only thing more dangerous than an
attractive woman is an intelligent woman.

- You killed him.
- No. It wasn't me.

The Candle's weapon,
that's what did him in.

The Candle?

There's no guards here,
there's no henchmen.

You couldn't stand being put out
to pasture so you lured us here,

figured you could use your old arch-enemy's
weapon to make it look like an ambush.

There is no Candle.
This is your plan.

I did what I had to do.

You stole the 4,000 angstroms
of Balthorium-G...

- You melted your own hand.
- There can only be one Middleman.

You thought you could replace him as
a hero and have me as your sidekick?

- My plan is...
- [both] Sheer elegance in its simplicity.

That's right, Guy, the bad
guys are still saying that.

No. I'm not the bad guy.

We can't both do the job.
This is the only way.

Why don't you finish what
you started and shoot me?

You'll never be the man he was.
You're not The Middleman.

You're The Candle, a coward who
kills people with his melting ray.

My God. What have I done?

Don't make a move!

There's still a chance
to save him, I swear.

Wendy! You have to shut
off the melting ray!

- You can't.
- Why not?

I defeated The Candle so many times by shutting
down his melting ray in the last minute,

that he built this model
without an off switch.

Once you turn it on
there's no going back!

What are you doing?

[Sixty-nine] Don't worry.

My plan is sheer elegance
in its simplicity.

[Sixty-nine screaming]

There's something I
need to do very badly.

What's that, Dubbie?

Snake island will always be remembered as the
field where The Candle and The Middleman

had their ultimate confrontation. I
can't think of a more fitting memorial.

Is that gonna be the
official story?

I think so.

I thought Middlemen told the
truth and nothing but the truth.

I am telling the truth. It's
only the facts I'm changing.

I know I'll never be as
much fun as he was, Ida.

Yeah. He was snappy dresser too.

He did know how to dress well.

Unlike, say, uh...

Crack wise all you want about
my Eisenhower jacket, Dubbie,

but it's named after a
man who led soldiers

through harsh times against
the darkest of evils.

This jacket says something about...
about me,

the man I choose to be.

So what does this uniform say about
me, other than you're my boss?

If you feel you need to make a
change, then make a change.

- But make it count.
- Really?

I think you've earned it.

This gazpacho is amazing.

Well, you know, making great
soup is like my mutant power.

That's your mutant power?

Mm-hmm. That, and I can
set fires with my mind.

Why? What's your mutant power?

You know what, Tyler Ford?
I don't think I have one.

Is everything...?

Yeah, but can you just
hold on for one...

OK, where were we?

Like the watch is the only
surveillance we have.

Really, Ida...