All language subtitles for The Middleman S01E07 The Cursed Tuba Contingency 1080p AMZN WEB-DL DDP5 1 H 264-NTb_track4_[eng]

♪ ♪

- Did you just wake up?
- What time is it?

5:30 in the afternoon.
You sleep all day?

Had a late night and I gotta get to work
for a new mission... I mean temp job.

- Did you borrow my boots?
- Yeah, last night. Is that bad?

No, no. Mi clothes rack
es su clothes rack.

It's just, I mean, God knows I've spilled
a lot of fake blood on your stuff...

but what the hell is this?
It almost looks alive.

Don't worry, it's dead. Any
movement is just reflex action.

You mean it was alive?

A bug. I stepped on a bug.

With both my boots?

Um... I killed the bug,
then stepped on the mess

with your boots on the way out.

Your way out of what?

The zoo.

The zoo's closed on Mondays. Why do you
think I picket the ape habitat on Tuesdays?

Uh, a private zoo? I gotta go.
I'm late for work.

What kind of temp job do you
have and who has a private zoo?

Excellent. Ida, meet us at vehicle
stowage with all the equipment.

You called. I came.
Where's the fire?

Your next assignment is a
follow-up to last night's job.

Another Carpissian
Hog-Roach is on the loose?

Awesome. I'm getting good
at 86-ing those suckers.

That Hog-Roach from
outer space is mine!

Oh, it's yours all right.
Yours to clean up.

You shot that Carpissian Hog-Roach in
the back seat of The Middlemobile.

The next time we trap a rampaging
pig-insect hybrid from another galaxy

that accidentally gets loose in custody, you
should shoot after it gets out of the car.

Right. Next time I'll try to find a
more convenient place to be attacked.

You'd better git, cowboy, or that movie's
going to go off into the sunset without you.

I'm cleaning up Hog-Roach gore
and you're going to a movie?

Ride Lonesome isn't
just a movie, Dubbie.

It's one of the great cinematic
treatises on rugged individualism.

Hey, if you spilled the
slime, you clean the grime.

Happy scrubbing, Tinker Bell.

What do you want? And
who do you work for?

I'm kind of self-employed.

- Lacey?
- Hi, Wendy's boss.

♪ Middleman ♪

Lacey, what are you...
Were you following me?

I'm seeing a movie. Same as you.

Sorry, sorry.

It's just so unusual to
see a woman here alone.

In the audience, I mean. There's
always a woman on the screen.

I guess I just assumed this sort
of thing appealed more to men...

Really? Well, thanks
to the Internet,

women are much more comfortable seeking out
visual representations of sexual desire

- for their own gratification.
- Great Barrier Reef.

Lacey, I was talking
about Westerns.

You're teasing me. I'm sorry.

No, I'm sorry.

I should have mentioned that I'm doing
an art project on... heroic men.

Well, you certainly
picked the right showing.

Randolph Scott is
one of the greats.

- It's so weird hearing you say that.
- Why?

I don't know. Most men your age... It's
all Boba Fett and Jack Bauer, you know?

I like to keep the
old heroes alive.

Well, it's just you and me.

Do you want to sit together?

Oh. We're both going
in that direction.

And we're both seeing
the same movie.

Why not?

Here's your water.

They didn't have any of the cruelty-free
organic vegan candy you wanted.

They don't stock milk, either.

- Milk?
- Builds strong bodies, right?

Is this what you do
to pass the time?

I get all the excitement
I need at work.

I'm surprised you
aren't there now.

When Wendy left she said it
was gonna be a busy night.

And it will be, for her.

Sometimes it's good
to be the boss.

What do you do for a living?

We're international consultants

that solve exotic problems for corporations,
individuals, and even governments.

Obviously, our clients
often prefer anonymity.

That's so clear... concise.

I wonder why Wendy's
never said that to me.

Maybe she's afraid to.

You're the most important
person in her life

and what you think of
her is everything.

[Middlewatch beeping]

- Oh, I know that sound.
- So do I.

I've seen the first act of
Ride Lonesome 16 times.

We have a Red Ball from O2STK.
Some guy just drowned.

- Drowned?
- In his bed.

Maybe someday you can
interrupt whatever I'm doing.

[Dubbie] Hey! What's going on?

We're agents Boetticher and Kennedy from
American Shrimp and Crab Amalgamated Processors.

- Law enforcement.
- ASCAP?

We avoid using the acronym
for copyright reasons.

But, uh, whenever unexpected shrimp or
crab appear in the context of a homicide,

we're not far behind.

- I'm Officer Cecil Rogers, CSI.
- So what do we have here?

Meet the late Artie Atkins. Cause
of death appears to be suffocation

as a result of his lungs spontaneously
filling with sea water and a clam.

I'm not touching
seafood for a year.

I also performed an on-site gastroscopy
in order to verify my initial findings.

- That's extraordinary.
- Thank you.

Have you been able to determine the
salinization levels of the sea water?

- Absolutely.
- Well played!

Salinization levels indicate that
the water in this man's lungs

originated in the
North Atlantic.

This man knows his
salinization tables.

Is it possible that someone forced
the water into the man's lungs?

There are no visible
signs of forced entry,

no inflammation of the
nasal passages or trachea.

This defies every principle
of science I know.

And yet, I'm convinced the sand and water
somehow sprang from within this man.

Well, Officer Rogers, will you please
accept our congratulations and admiration

for a job well done.

Nothing like watching a really
good CSI technician do his work.

Could you cut the bromance? This
crime is gross enough as it is.

Step aside. You're
contaminating the crime scene.

- Who are you?
- Who are you?

- ASCAP.
- The shrimp guys?

We're CSI, Metro, we need
you out of the room.

But your CSI guy has
been here already.

- Cecil Rogers, he just left.
- Cecil Rogers? Never heard of him.

That duplicitous,
double-crossing weasel.

Aw, you loved him so.

Why was Rogers there? Why did he go through the
trouble of posing as a CSI? What does he want?

Same thing we did. To
gather information.

And maybe faking being a CSI
guy wasn't so difficult.

Maybe he is, or was, a
CSI guy at some point.

Nice deduction, Watson. Ida!

I'm on it. Checking current and former
CSI techs who match Rogers' description.

- Of course, without a picture.
- There has to be a faster way

for the facial recognition imager to
create an accurate composite portrait.

- What if you just scanned in this?
- Nice.

Rogers really got
under your skin, huh?

I was so distracted by his
charm and competence.

Time to quit your grinning
and drop your linen, people.

You got an ID on
Captain Mancrush?

No, but I do have information about
the drowning victim, Artie Atkins,

known to the world as Double-A. He was a fence
who specialized in unusual art and antiquities.

Well-known paintings,
sculptures and collectables.

Items that had to be handled
discreetly and sold secretly.

Do we know what Double-A was working
on at the time of his death?

What? Now I don't know
how to do my job?

I cross referenced the
list of his associates

with his telephone bill
from the last three weeks.

Double-A made six phone calls to
only one associate, Johnny John.

- Do you have an address?
- 8660 Hawks Lane, apartment nine.

God, am I underpaid.

You the pizza delivery?

We're Agents Harland and Wolff from the
Department of the Interior. May we come inside?

Actually, this is not a good time. I'll be
right back, honey. Don't get distracted!

Look, I've got a beautiful woman in
here who's hot, willing and able,

who finds me devastating
in my raw feral power.

- Did I mention she was hot?
- Yes.

- Do you have any idea how rare that is for me?
- Yes, I do.

- This is an urgent matter.
- This isn't?

Please. Look at me. The last time I was
with an attractive woman was... never.

Just give me five minutes. Maybe six.
I'm begging you.

Five it is.

Here I come, peaches.

Tell me you didn't buy that. He's going
out the back window as we speak.

No, I know a desperate
man when I see one.

He'll keep his word and the trance-like
ecstasy of sexual gratification

may make him an easier
target for interrogation.

[thumping]

- This is so...
- Awkward?

[man screaming]

Did that sound like
sexual ecstasy to you?

A succubus!

- Stand down, demon.
- Don't let her touch me, please!

Then give us answers.

First your partner
drowns in a motel room

now you've got a soul-sucking
demon attacking you?

What have you two been up to?

I don't know what
you're talking about.

- But I'm losing my grip on this one.
- No, wait, wait!

Me and Double-A pulled off a job, now
someone's coming after us. That's all I know.

You must let me destroy him!

Oh nuts, my grip is slipping here. I
don't know how long I can hold her.

I'm talking, I'm talking. Just
keep that freak away from me!

- What was it? What'd you steal?
- It was a tuba.

- A tuba?
- What kind of tuba? Tenor? Four valve? Silver? Gold?

It was a tuba tuba. We
took it from a bank vault.

You don't want to believe me, that's
up to you. Now tie that thing up!

- Why would anyone want to steal a tuba?
- Ask her boss.

[growling]

[Middleman, Dubbie]
Roxy Wasserman!

Why doesn't anybody ever listen to me?
This is hillbilly wear. It's a nightmare.

What is this, the
Grand Ole Opry?

Get it out of here! Out!

What the...

[growling]

We had a deal. You don't organize heists,
you don't collect magical artifacts,

and you don't send your succubinical
minions out to kill people. Remember?

MM, have you forgotten
your manners?

It's not nice to drop in
on a lady unannounced.

[girls growling]

We've had some laughs, Rox, but
we had a deal and you broke it

and there's consequences.

If you're sending your demons out to kill,
then my sacrifice and that of my sidekick

will have been worth
it to stop you.

- Excuse me?
- Everybody out.

Out!

Let her go, Dubbie.

MM, Bubbie...

For many years I have
respected our "agreement,"

but the tuba, that
changes everything.

After decades of running this place,
offering struggling succubae...

And incubi.

...a place to stop
their killing ways,

you just chuck it all
away one day for a tuba?

Not just any tuba.
A cursed tuba.

It's the only musical instrument to
survive the sinking of the Titanic.

The ship hit an iceberg, sank,
and somebody saved a tuba?

Exactly. That instrument
is an abomination

and whosoever hears the E-flat
rumble of its serpentine valves

will drown in the icy waters
of the North Atlantic.

That explains why there was a crab
and clams in the victim's mouth.

Imagine what would happen if that tuba were
played for a crowd? Or a marching band?

Or a live television broadcast?

Thousands, maybe millions,
of people could drown...

- In the icy waters...
- Of the North Atlantic.

So you hired a crew
to steal the tuba

and then sent your soul-sucking
ladies to take out the thieves?

[chuckles] You are as ignorant
as your jacket is tacky.

I run a decent, respectable
halfway house for succubae.

We want to co-exist with humans.

When the tuba was stolen this morning I
decided to do society a little favor

and launch my own investigation.

And find and keep for yourself a
priceless object of unspeakable power?

Oh. I only have the
noblest of intentions.

- Well, you should have told me.
- MM...

Here's what I propose.
We call a truce.

But if you fail to find and
neutralize that brass pipe from hell,

I will send the ladies out to terrorize
every single criminal in the city

until it is destroyed,

or safely put away.

OK, Rox. Deal.

Oh, and one more thing.

The key is the tuba.
We have to find it.

That's easier said than done.
It could be anywhere.

If Little-Miss-Can't-Do is
done flapping her lips,

I'll find that tuba
without leaving the room.

I'm integrating with the
world surveillance network,

scanning all Internet
databanks and search engines,

all communication networks,
military and civilian.

If anyone on the planet so much as
utters the word "tuba" into a phone,

I'll know about it.

- [bell dings]
- I've got a hit!

- What?
- The President used the word "tuba"

five times at a
breakfast meeting.

- Oh.
- [bell dings]

- I've got a hit!
- Yeah?

An elementary school kid in Hong Kong
won a medal for playing the tuba.

- [bell dings]
- I've got a hit.

- Uh-huh?
- There's a 2-for-1 tuba blow-out

at Reginald's House of Brass
in Downers Grove, Illinois.

- [bell dings]
- I've got a hit!

- [bell dings]
- I've got a hit!

- [bell dings]
- I've got a hit.

The Southampton Philharmonic
lost a tuba last Thursday.

They don't want it back.

Break time?

Keep an eye on the watch.

The moment Ida gets a credible
lead, we're back on the streets.

- [bell dings]
- I've got a hit!

- Yo, Wendy Watson.
- Hey Noser.

- So, how did your day begin?
- With a friendly voice.

Really? 'Cause all I heard
was the sound of salesmen.

- Of salesmen?
- Yeah. Of salesmen.

Weird.

[♪ Au Revoir Simone: Stars ]

♪ Is mine tonight ♪

- ♪ It gives a sign ♪
- Lace, you got any plans tonight?

Sorta. I thought you
were working tonight.

Well, I kind of am, but
if you wanted to say,

go to Little Tokyo to
grab some ramen noodles,

or pop in a Mario
Bava movie or...

- Hey, you look nice.
- I know.

[phone ringing]

- And I gotta go.
- What?

Hey now, Wendy Watson, solver of exotic
problems, isn't the only one with a life.

Wait, did you just say that
I solve "exotic problems?"

Yeah. So?

Well, it's just a very
specific turn of phrase.

I'm a very specific girl.

- We'll do something tomorrow night, OK?
- ♪ Of what I'll find ♪

[piano music playing]

Hi, there, Wendy's boss-man.

I... I'm really glad
you could make it.

I'm a spur-of-the-moment
kind of gal.

Cruelty-free vegan candy.

I saved the same seats for us.

[clears throat]

[Middlewatch beeping]

Do you ever take that thing off?

[beeping]

- No.
- Never?

It's waterproof, shock-proof
and grafted to my skin.

- Really?
- [beeping continues]

Might as well be.

I've got to go.

At least you know
how the movie ends.

Actually, I don't. Like I told you, I've seen
the beginning of Ride Lonesome 16 times.

But the end? Never.

You mean you've gone your entire life
without finding out if Ben Brigade

gets Billy John at the
hands of the law,

or if his sense of self just ends up
another casualty of the dying west?

I'm sad to say the
answer is yes.

If you want, I'll stay 'till the
end and let you know what happens.

You'd do that?

I like to keep the
old heroes alive.

One coffee and milk, hold
the coffee, for you,

and one coffee and milk, hold the
milk for me. So where's the tuba?

Ida found this posted
on MyFacelnaTube.com.

The highly popular social
networking and video sharing site?

"OMG! LOL! ROTFLMAO! WTM?
I finally got a tuba!"

Kid got a tuba and blogged about it. What makes
you think it's the tuba we're looking for?

That 15-year-old boy happens to be Arturo
Arroyo, the son of Gabriel Arroyo,

the manager of the
Peckinpah Motel.

Where Double-A
drowned in his bed.

Apparently Arturo took the tuba
from Double-A's room after he died.

He figured Double-A
wouldn't need it anymore.

"I have a band audition at the school tonight
but my new tuba doesn't have a mouthpiece

If anyone has an extra
mouthpiece, please bring it."

He can't play without
the mouthpiece.

He's bound to find one
in the school band room.

We don't intercept Arturo before someone
loans him a mouthpiece, that school...

Will drown in the icy waters
of the North Atlantic, I know.

[sounding]

This is good, no
one's drowned yet.

And no one's playing the
tuba, which is just as good.

Hey, Bradley, do you
have a spare mouthpiece?

Mister Rogers!

Stop! Thief! Put down that tuba!

[gunshot]

- [groaning]
- [tires squealing]

Shot in the heart. That
really, really hurts.

Hello, again. What's the matter?

Never seen a man come back
from the dead before?

Your name is Cecil Rogers, 23.

No birth certificate or
social security number.

But your name is also Charlie Rogers,
forensic specialist in Las Vegas.

No birth certificate or
social security number.

Your name is also
Clarence Rogers,

grand prix race car driver in
the 1970's and early 80's.

Survived three fiery crashes.

No birth certificate or
social security number.

You're also known
as Cecil Mulligan,

Hollywood stuntman in
the 1930's and 40's.

Cecil Jauregui, Cecil
Artiano, Cecil Solis.

All mysterious, risk-takers.

No birth certificate or social
security number, which is no surprise

since the Social Security Act
wasn't created until 1935.

And last but not least,
Cecil Calloway Rogers.

Penniless musician.

The only one with a
recorded birth certificate.

May I keep this? I have so
few souvenirs of my youth.

So basically, you're
Highlander with a tuba.

Care to fill in the blanks?

You really going to
hit me with that?

OK.

I was born August 9, 1889.

And yes, I haven't aged a day
since the night the Titanic sank

into the icy waters of
the North Atlantic.

I played with the
ship's orchestra.

You know the story.
You saw the movie.

I lived it.

The massive hull shuddering
with the howl of twisted metal

as the iceberg rent the bow.
The cream of high society

and the poorest of steerage trapped as
the frigid waters drowned one and all.

and me and my mates, playing for the
panicked mob on the ship's deck.

Hang on. Yeah, I saw the movie.

- That was a string quartet.
- It was after I ran away.

I tried to reason with Charlie, the band
leader, but he insisted we keep going,

so I said I'd go play for the doomed
third class children below decks.

- But you didn't go.
- I wrapped my tuba in a blanket

told the deck officer it was my
slumbering three-year-old baby

and got on a lifeboat, taking the spot of
a boy with polio and his blind mother.

You took their lives to save yourself
and your instrument? You nauseate me.

Me and that tuba are
cursed for eternity.

As long as the tuba is intact, I will
live forever to ponder the lives I took.

"As long as the tuba is intact?"

Classic curse, Dubbie. The man and
his tuba are spiritually linked.

Kill the tuba, kill the man.

In 1947 the spit
valve was clogged.

I spent ten weeks in
bed with pneumonia.

So that's why you want it back?
To end your misery?

I bet you hear the screams of the drowning
dead every night, haunting your every moment.

Actually, it's been a good time.

It was rough at first, but then
about ten years later, 1922, '23,

I started going to the gym, taking a little
yoga, I ride horses, cars, became a stuntman

and I was good at it, since
I can't die and all.

I bought stock, calculators,
then computers, some oil.

I started dating.

That's been going very good.
Very, very good.

So around 1955, I stashed the tuba
in a bank vault for safekeeping

- and the rest has been history.
- Until someone stole it.

Not just someone.
Arthur Mendelson.

- Arthur Mendelson, the philanthropist?
- Oilman, explorer...

...and the world's biggest, most obsessive
collector of all things Titanic.

Mendelson's hosting a dinner and dance cruise
tonight on his ostentatious private ocean liner

which is three feet longer than the Queen
Mary and 86 feet longer than the Titanic.

The centerpiece is going
to be the quintet

playing Nearer, My God, to Thee
with the real tuba from the Titanic

and he's invited every Titanic fetishist
in the world so he can gloat.

What about the
missing mouthpiece?

I found it in the motel
near Double-A's body

and I put it back in the
tuba back at the school

before that guy shot
me and took it.

So Mendelson has the complete tuba and any
of his guests who listen to it will drown...

[all] In the icy waters
of the North Atlantic.

Not tonight. We're
gonna be on that ship.

We? No way.

Wait. You're refusing to
help get back your own tuba?

I'm refusing to step foot on a
boat of any kind, big or small.

But you're immortal.

Yep, and I stay on dry land.

I'm giving you an opportunity

to preserve your life and to
help clear your own conscience.

Know what happens when a guy like
me gets trapped in a sinking ship?

My guess is that you'd drown.
Then come back to life.

Then drown again.
For all eternity.

Have fun saving the world.

So all Ida has to do is
make a couple of calls

and we're on the guest list to the most
exclusive private cruise of the year?

Ida has connections to get us
tickets to anything, anywhere,

as long as the fate of
the world is at stake.

So I get to lose Hitler's smoking jacket
and do a mission in a real dress?

You may also want to do
something with your hair.

What's wrong with my hair?

You know, make it
more period-like.

I'll do your hair, Cinderella. And when
it's done, it'll be just like mine.

I'll be back in an hour.
Maybe two.

Mendelson is a collector of all things Titanic.
So his party of course is themed all around...

[Lacey] The Titanic. I get it.

- You know, I've met Arthur Mendelson.
- You have?

Yep. My mother, Doctor
Barbara Thornfield, MD, PhD,

she endowed one of his
leukemia treatment centers.

Oh, she's really pushing
hard for that sainthood.

So is it just strictly business tonight
between you and sexy boss-man?

I refuse to answer until
you stop calling him that.

So, is it strictly business tonight
between you and pillow-lips?

Yes, it's strictly business.

What else would it be? I'm going
to a Titanic party with my boss.

I didn't even like that movie.

I loved that movie. I
especially loved that song.

[starts vocalizing]

I especially hated that song.

Dub-Dub, first rule of
achieving a happy makeover:

never argue with the person
holding the curling iron.

There's Johnny John.

I bet he didn't leave that .38
snub-nose revolver in his car.

We should have let that
succubus have at him.

And that's our host,
Arthur Mendelson.

I see a place for the
band, but no tuba.

- Oh...
- [beep]

Tropic of Cancer.
Wendy, language!

Phooey. This ship is
about to set sail

with the most lethal tuba known to man.
They can't be here.

I know, why don't you just
go up and talk to Lacey?

She melts when she sees you.
I'm sure if you just...

Not tonight. I'm on
armed goon tuba duty.

You're on lose the
roomie detail.

Meet me outside when they're
on the pier and safe.

[clears throat]

- Hi there, roomie.
- What are you doing here?

You know me, wherever there's a
lobster dinner, I'm there in tails.

It was so much fun getting you ready, I
asked Doctor Barbara Thornfield, MD, PhD,

well, her assistant, if she
could get us invitations.

- Isn't it fantastic?
- No. It's not.

It's the opposite of fantastic.
It's downright dangerous.

You're international consultants.
How can that be dangerous?

International consultants?

It's a short dinner
cruise of the bay.

What are you so worried about?

I can't explain why,

but if our friendship means anything, you'll
listen to what I say and not ask any questions.

Please, Dub-Dub. We
got all dressed up.

I promise I won't embarrass
you in front of pillow lips.

I'm begging you.

Why are you doing this?

All right. Come on,
Noser, let's go home.

Bon voyage.

- [ship's horn blows]
- [grunts]

I think we're sailing
away into the virgin sea.

[sighs]

Dubbie, we have to check the next corridor.
The tuba must be here somewhere.

Oh, this is efficient.

Another month or two and we'll have
covered the ship from bow to stern.

- [Dubbie] I was thinking maybe we could...
- [Middleman] Shh. Quiet.

- [Dubbie] Excuse me?
- I heard something.

Welcome aboard.

Sensei Ping. Twisted Stones.
On three.

One, two, three.

- I forget. What's my part in Twisted Stones?
- The counting.

How'd you know it was nearby?

I figured if Johnny John picked
that spot to lay an ambush...

Nice job, Shoeless Joe.

[zapping]

- [Dubbie] We've got company.
- [Middleman] Arthur Mendelson.

You arranged for the theft of the tuba.
You know about the curse.

Oh, let me guess.

Uh... anyone who
hears it will drown?

In the icy waters of
the North Atlantic.

Yes. I'm not a superstitious man

but we've all heard
all about the curse.

No one's in any
danger of drowning,

not tonight, not on my ship.

Which, by the way, is three feet
longer than the Queen Mary.

And 86 feet longer
than the Titanic.

Hmm. Well, you got that right.

But a cursed tuba?

Ha! Ha!

You're crazy.

Hello again.

So much for your fear of ships.

Did you really think
I wouldn't show up?

- You arranged this, didn't you?
- Mendelson has done me a great favor.

He's gathered everyone who gives a damn about
the Titanic and its relics in one place.

And all it took to convince him that I
am the great-great-great-great-grandson

of the tuba player from the Titanic was to
show him the picture you graciously gave me.

So tonight you play the tuba.
Everyone who knows about it dies

and your secret remains safe.

My plan is sheer elegance in
its simplicity, isn't it?

No! You will have murdered everyone on
this ship. There's still time, Rogers.

If you help us, I'll make sure your tuba is
safe for all eternity. You have my word.

Sorry. I don't trust
good-looking, heroic people.

You have eternal life and this is
what you choose to do with it?

Did I mention how good
the dating has been?

[Noser] When's the tuba
show gonna kick off?

I dunno. Have you seen Wendy since
she asked us to get out of here?

It's like she and pillow
lips just vanished.

It's a big ship, maybe they
don't want to be found.

Thanks a lot, Noser.

Did I see a flash of jealousy
streak across that pretty face?

- Why would you think I'm jealous?
- You call the man pillow lips.

You know what? I've always wanted to
see the cabins in a ship like this.

[sighs]

And I always wanted to
finish a lobster dinner.

Be still, Dubbie,
I'm handling this.

- What are you doing?
- Sending a text message.

To Ida? By the time she
hops in the Middlejet...

- Maybe I can reach Lacey.
- Oh, good idea.

- Her number's 555...
- 0164. I already pressed "send."

Wait. Why do you have
my roommate's number?

I have a good memory for numbers.
I know lots of them.

Why do you have my
roommate's number?

I got it from your emergency
numbers on your startup paperwork.

My mother is my emergency number. Why
do you have my roommate's number?

Wait a minute. Are
you and Lacey...?

No. I mean. Not like that.

- She was at the movie and...
- The movie with you?

- She followed me there.
- Which time?

Both times.

"International consultant."

I solve exotic problems.
You told her all that?

I was trying to help,
to make things easier.

How? She's my roommate and my
best friend and you're my boss.

How does that make anything easier? Why don't
you just date my mom while you're at it?

- Is she nice?
- Ahhhh!

Just kidding. It was a joke,
to relieve the tension.

Want to relieve the tension?
Don't date my roommate.

- Wendy?
- Lacey!

International Consulting
leads to this?

I said the problems
were "exotic."

- Yo. Wendy's boss.
- Hello, Mr. Noser. How are you?

- You enjoying the party?
- The lobster was sublime, what I had of it.

OK. Well, you texted me to help.
So I'm here to help.

- Just get us out of these cuffs.
- Noser, get the ax.

- What ax?
- Like in the movie.

I'll close my eyes and
love will guide the blade,

breaking the cuffs and proving
that love conquers all.

- No way, Noser. No!
- I have a universal key!

- Why didn't you say that earlier?
- Wouldn't have helped.

You couldn't have reached it and neither
could I. It's in my front pocket.

- Can I just use the ax?
- [both] Noser!

Listen to me. I need you two to get as
far away from that ballroom as possible.

Go to the other side of the
ship, plug your ears with these

and be ready to send out an SOS if something
goes wrong. You familiar with Morse Code?

I know how to tap out SOS.

I told you I loved that movie.

Ladies and gentlemen, honored
guests, and dear, dear friends,

the moment we have all been
waiting for is finally upon us.

You are about to hear a sound

that has not been heard since the
early part of the 20th century.

- He's got the whole ship wired for sound.
- Sweet.

- No place is safe!
- That's what I meant.

The man playing the tuba tonight

is the great-great-
great-great grandson

of the man who last played
that same instrument

on the decks of the Titanic,

to ease the fears of
his fellow passengers.

Ladies and gentlemen,

it is my great honor
to present to you,

Mister Cecil Rogers.

[applause]

Stop that woman!
She's got my tuba!

Oh, why couldn't it
have been a piccolo?

[Middleman on PA] Dubbie! Dubbie!
Throw it overboard.

Get to the nearest railing and
throw the tuba into the sea.

Shouldn't I find something
to smash it with?

You're going to question that order.
Do it anyway.

Throw it overboard. The
pressure will destroy it.

- Good point.
- Don't argue with me, just do it.

I'm not arguing, I'm running.

Now, now, let's not
do anything hasty.

Take a step closer, I'll
throw the tuba overboard.

- Kill the tuba, kill the man?
- Something like that.

Whoa! [screaming]

[pants]

Dubbie?!

- [ship's horn blows]
- Hey!

- [horn blows]
- [screams]

- [horn blows]
- Help!

- [horn blows]
- Hey, boss! I'm down here.

[horn blows]

Dubbie, I've got you.

Grab a hold of something
and climb up.

He's got the tuba!

Ladies and gentlemen! We
promised you a tuba concert

and by God you're going to
get one you'll never forget.

- [applause]
- Step aside, boss. I got this one.

Sweet Molly Brown!

[grunting]

[screaming]

Good shooting, Dubbie.
Good shooting.

Ladies... Ladies and
gentlemen, uh, what can I say?

The tuba that we all came
here to listen to tonight

is now lying at the
bottom of the bay,

and apparently when we dock, I'm going to
be arrested by the Coast Guard and the FBI

charged with grand larceny,

so... uh... here's
the string quartet.

Enjoy the rest of the cruise.

I'm gonna have another bourbon.

[playing classical music]

Lacey could have
died on this ship.

We all could have. Thank
God we saved the day.

Doesn't matter. If it weren't
today, it would be some other day,

some other mission,
some other danger.

I know what you're thinking. I'm your boss.
She's your roommate.

I'm ten years older than she is

and our world is too dangerous.
And you're right.

There's no reason for me to endanger
someone we both care about.

Actually, what I was thinking is
that under any other circumstances,

I would be so happy
for the two of you.

[clears throat]

May I?

There's something I
need you to know.

Me first. You were right.
Randolph Scott is amazing.

The best. He's reduced everything
about being a gunfighter

to its existential
individualistic essence.

Words are the enemy.
Only action is real.

We are what we do,
not what we say.

So his eyes and his
guns do the talking,

and you're just like him.

You're like every one
of the heroes I admire.

You take charge and protect the
ones you love. It's inspiring.

But there's a rule at my work.

I can't see you in the
"dating" sense of the word.

You're my associate's roommate.
It's not right.

Wendy wouldn't care. Not
if it made me happy.

I do. It's not right.

It's like Sam Boone
says in Ride Lonesome,

"There are some things a man
just can't ride around."

What about a movie?
That'd be OK, right?

This sucks.

Good night, Miss Thornfield.

Wait a minute. I have
to tell you something.

At the end of Ride Lonesome Ben Brigade
kills the man that kills his wife.

Only it doesn't happen the way
you think it's gonna happen.

But once it does,

you realize that no other
ending was possible.