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1
00:00:03,133 --> 00:00:05,160
Darling, I don't care
what you say,
2
00:00:05,500 --> 00:00:07,133
these rice cakes
taste like cork.
3
00:00:09,166 --> 00:00:11,466
That's a coaster, Ma.
4
00:00:18,150 --> 00:00:20,333
Here's the rice cake.
5
00:00:20,366 --> 00:00:22,330
Will you stop hawking me?
6
00:00:22,660 --> 00:00:24,483
The doctor told me
my cholesterol was perfect.
7
00:00:27,350 --> 00:00:29,316
Stop it! Stop that!
8
00:00:31,100 --> 00:00:33,116
You can't keep eating
fat like this
9
00:00:33,150 --> 00:00:36,150
or you're not gonna live long
enough to dance at my wedding.
10
00:00:36,183 --> 00:00:38,300
I'll take my chances.
11
00:00:40,316 --> 00:00:43,183
You see how mean I get
when I don't eat?
12
00:00:44,400 --> 00:00:47,283
- Well, goodbye, sweetheart.
- Bye, Ma.
13
00:00:47,316 --> 00:00:49,266
Oop, not so fast.
14
00:00:49,300 --> 00:00:52,200
What? You want a hug?
15
00:00:52,233 --> 00:00:54,433
No, kisses.
16
00:01:02,133 --> 00:01:05,150
- [PHONE RINGS]
- [DOOR SHUTS]
17
00:01:05,183 --> 00:01:09,250
- Yello.
- WOMAN:Yes, I'm lookingfor Ms. Fran Fine.
18
00:01:09,283 --> 00:01:11,150
Oh, this is Fran Fine.
19
00:01:11,183 --> 00:01:15,266
Oh, you have noidea how happy I amto hear your voice.
20
00:01:15,300 --> 00:01:19,166
You know, if I had a nickel
for every time I heard
that...
21
00:01:20,183 --> 00:01:21,316
...I'd have a nickel.
22
00:01:24,100 --> 00:01:26,660
Maybe I should just be direct.
23
00:01:26,100 --> 00:01:28,830
My name is Lila Baker.
24
00:01:28,116 --> 00:01:31,330
Ms. Fine,there's a possibility
25
00:01:31,660 --> 00:01:32,450
that there was a mix-upin the hospital,
26
00:01:32,483 --> 00:01:35,266
and I may beyour birth mother.
27
00:01:35,300 --> 00:01:39,233
What? Oh, that's ridiculous.
28
00:01:39,266 --> 00:01:43,116
I mean, you obviously have
the wrong Fran Fine.
29
00:01:43,150 --> 00:01:47,330
Although, who else but
a mother could be so happy
to hear this voice?
30
00:01:47,660 --> 00:01:50,316
[LILA LAUGHS IN FRAN'S STYLE]
31
00:01:54,383 --> 00:01:57,216
♪♪ She was workingin a bridal shopin Flushing, Queens ♪♪
32
00:01:57,250 --> 00:01:58,450
♪♪ 'Til her boyfriendkicked her out ♪♪
33
00:01:58,483 --> 00:02:00,266
♪♪ In one of thosecrushing scenes ♪♪
34
00:02:00,300 --> 00:02:02,233
♪♪ What was she to do?Where was she to go? ♪♪
35
00:02:02,266 --> 00:02:05,216
♪♪ She was out on her fanny ♪♪
36
00:02:05,250 --> 00:02:07,466
♪♪ So over the bridgefrom Flushing to theSheffield's door ♪♪
37
00:02:08,000 --> 00:02:10,416
♪♪ She was thereto sell makeupbut the father saw more ♪♪
38
00:02:10,450 --> 00:02:13,500
♪♪ She had style!She had flair!She was there! ♪♪
39
00:02:13,830 --> 00:02:16,250
♪♪ That's howshe became the nanny ♪♪
40
00:02:16,283 --> 00:02:19,266
♪♪ Who would have guessedthat the girlwe've described ♪♪
41
00:02:19,300 --> 00:02:21,416
♪♪ Was just exactly whatthe doctor prescribed? ♪♪
42
00:02:21,450 --> 00:02:23,216
♪♪ Now the fatherfinds her beguiling ♪♪
43
00:02:23,250 --> 00:02:24,416
♪♪ Watch out, C.C.! ♪♪
44
00:02:24,450 --> 00:02:26,660
♪♪ And the kidsare actually smiling ♪♪
45
00:02:26,100 --> 00:02:27,216
♪♪ Such♪♪
46
00:02:27,250 --> 00:02:28,483
♪♪ She's the lady in red ♪♪
47
00:02:29,160 --> 00:02:32,000
♪♪ When everybody elseis wearing tan ♪♪
48
00:02:33,830 --> 00:02:35,500
♪♪ The flashy girlfrom Flushing ♪♪
49
00:02:35,830 --> 00:02:36,466
♪♪ The nanny named Fran ♪♪
50
00:02:40,160 --> 00:02:43,250
So, C.C., how is everything
going in Los Angeles, hmm?
51
00:02:43,283 --> 00:02:45,000
C.C.:Fabulous, Maxwell.
52
00:02:45,330 --> 00:02:47,333
I have a friend at CBSwho wants to buy our show
53
00:02:47,366 --> 00:02:49,333
and turn it into a TV series!
54
00:02:49,366 --> 00:02:51,830
Whoa, back up.
55
00:02:51,116 --> 00:02:52,400
You have a friend?
56
00:02:55,366 --> 00:02:57,216
So, C.C., you do realize
57
00:02:57,250 --> 00:03:00,300
if we sell this idea,
you're gonna have to
live out there.
58
00:03:01,400 --> 00:03:03,330
What?
59
00:03:03,660 --> 00:03:05,250
No commentfrom the Quicker PickerUpper?
60
00:03:07,150 --> 00:03:09,500
No. He's outside.
I don't think he heard you.
61
00:03:09,830 --> 00:03:11,160
NILES: Whoo-hoo!
62
00:03:18,116 --> 00:03:21,100
Oh, Mr. Sheffield,
I'm so freaked out.
63
00:03:21,133 --> 00:03:25,133
A woman just called
and told me that Ma may
not be my real mother.
64
00:03:25,483 --> 00:03:28,250
So... are we happy or sad?
65
00:03:31,000 --> 00:03:32,183
We're thinking.
66
00:03:33,416 --> 00:03:36,660
[MUSIC PLAYING]
67
00:03:56,316 --> 00:03:58,150
Ma, look at you.
68
00:03:58,183 --> 00:04:01,133
You're being so good.
I'm so proud of you.
69
00:04:01,166 --> 00:04:03,660
Well, I'm trying.
70
00:04:17,660 --> 00:04:19,466
Now I know why I breast-fed
for two years.
71
00:04:20,000 --> 00:04:21,283
I was sucking Yoo-Hoo.
72
00:04:24,483 --> 00:04:28,500
You know, Ma, if you
continue to eat this way,
73
00:04:28,830 --> 00:04:30,116
you are going to kill yourself.
74
00:04:30,150 --> 00:04:32,483
You know, I get so little
pleasure in life.
75
00:04:33,160 --> 00:04:35,350
It's not like you've
given me a wedding to plan
76
00:04:35,383 --> 00:04:38,333
- or grandchildren or--
- Have some whipped cream.
77
00:04:42,166 --> 00:04:43,350
Thank you.
78
00:04:45,100 --> 00:04:49,660
Ma, when I was born,
who did I look like?
79
00:04:49,100 --> 00:04:50,266
Dick Van Patten.
80
00:04:53,160 --> 00:04:57,266
And when we were
in the hospital, were you
with me every second?
81
00:04:57,300 --> 00:05:00,150
I never let you
out of my sight.
82
00:05:01,100 --> 00:05:03,160
Not even to go out and steal
83
00:05:03,500 --> 00:05:05,400
some rice pudding
or Jell-O or--
84
00:05:05,433 --> 00:05:08,116
What are you,
the hospital security?
85
00:05:09,233 --> 00:05:11,450
So I took a cobbler
that didn't belong to me.
86
00:05:11,483 --> 00:05:14,000
The woman was catatonic.
87
00:05:17,183 --> 00:05:20,000
So you did leave me.
88
00:05:20,330 --> 00:05:22,200
[QUIETLY] Maybe
we're not related.
89
00:05:32,366 --> 00:05:34,830
[theme song fromMaude
90
00:05:34,116 --> 00:05:36,150
SYLVIA:♪♪ And thenthere's Maude ♪♪
91
00:05:36,183 --> 00:05:37,433
♪♪ And then there's Maude ♪♪
92
00:05:37,466 --> 00:05:39,233
♪♪ And then there's Maude ♪♪
93
00:05:39,266 --> 00:05:41,160
♪♪ And then there's Maude ♪♪
94
00:05:41,500 --> 00:05:44,160
♪♪ And then there's Maude ♪♪
95
00:05:44,500 --> 00:05:46,000
♪♪ That uncompromisin',enterprisin' ♪♪
96
00:05:46,330 --> 00:05:48,500
♪♪ Anythingbut tranqulizin' ♪♪
97
00:05:48,830 --> 00:05:50,830
♪♪ Right on Maude! ♪♪
98
00:05:54,283 --> 00:05:57,133
Nadine, Francine, come on in.
99
00:05:57,166 --> 00:06:00,200
I madegedempte
meatballs mit noodles.
100
00:06:05,450 --> 00:06:09,133
Why do you have to scream?
We're right here.
101
00:06:11,316 --> 00:06:13,450
Who's screaming?
102
00:06:13,483 --> 00:06:15,216
Morty!
103
00:06:15,250 --> 00:06:19,330
Ma, you sound so obnoxious.
104
00:06:20,830 --> 00:06:21,366
I can't believe
you're my mother.
105
00:06:23,660 --> 00:06:24,483
Well, believe it.
106
00:06:25,160 --> 00:06:28,433
Meet my hips,
Nadine and Francine.
107
00:06:32,183 --> 00:06:35,483
Who's she blaming for her
tush,
cousin Scooter Pie?
108
00:06:36,160 --> 00:06:38,830
[LAUGHS]
109
00:06:38,116 --> 00:06:41,330
Oh, I'm just so honored
110
00:06:41,660 --> 00:06:44,116
that Totie Fields
came for supper.
111
00:06:45,350 --> 00:06:47,433
Maybe you're not
her real daughter.
112
00:06:47,466 --> 00:06:52,660
Did you ever wonder why you have
black hair and we have blonde?
113
00:06:52,100 --> 00:06:56,283
That's because
Francine looks like Daddy.
114
00:06:57,483 --> 00:06:59,216
See?
115
00:07:05,830 --> 00:07:08,133
Now, less talk and more eat.
116
00:07:08,166 --> 00:07:10,100
After supper,
117
00:07:10,133 --> 00:07:13,383
we're gonna go buy
your Halloween costumes.
118
00:07:13,416 --> 00:07:18,116
I thought you'd go as a bride.
119
00:07:19,660 --> 00:07:21,100
I don't want to go as a bride.
120
00:07:21,133 --> 00:07:23,100
I want to go as a career woman.
121
00:07:39,250 --> 00:07:41,483
A career woman?
122
00:07:42,160 --> 00:07:44,316
Whose child are you?
123
00:07:46,000 --> 00:07:47,216
That's it, young lady.
124
00:07:47,250 --> 00:07:50,333
No moreThat Girl
125
00:08:01,216 --> 00:08:05,250
Ma, I have something very
important I need to tell
you.
126
00:08:05,283 --> 00:08:09,366
Oh, let me switch to a softer
food so I could hear you.
127
00:08:21,150 --> 00:08:24,466
Ma, a woman called me this
morning and said
128
00:08:25,000 --> 00:08:28,330
that because
of a hospital mix-up years
ago,
129
00:08:28,660 --> 00:08:32,200
it's possible that
she's my real mother.
130
00:08:32,233 --> 00:08:33,433
Oh, my God!
131
00:08:33,466 --> 00:08:37,216
What kind of a crackpot
would make up a thing like
that?
132
00:08:39,133 --> 00:08:42,316
She's trying to extort
something probably,
133
00:08:42,350 --> 00:08:44,150
from me and your father.
134
00:08:45,100 --> 00:08:46,400
Like what, Ma?
135
00:08:46,433 --> 00:08:49,350
Your toaster oven
with the burnt cheese
on the heating coil?
136
00:08:54,830 --> 00:08:55,416
Ma...
137
00:08:55,450 --> 00:08:59,830
I invited this woman over
to the house tomorrow.
138
00:08:59,116 --> 00:09:01,500
I just need to know.
139
00:09:02,350 --> 00:09:04,433
Fran, you are my daughter.
140
00:09:04,466 --> 00:09:08,350
I remember every detail of
your
birth like it was yesterday.
141
00:09:08,383 --> 00:09:13,330
I remember I ordered
two eggs over easy.
142
00:09:13,660 --> 00:09:17,116
It came scrambled
but I'm not a complainer.
143
00:09:17,150 --> 00:09:19,450
Then I'm thinking,
what is so delicious?
144
00:09:19,483 --> 00:09:22,300
And I find bacon bits in it.
145
00:09:22,333 --> 00:09:26,160
I had to push it away.
It was Rosh Hashanah.
146
00:09:27,660 --> 00:09:30,400
I was born on a Jewish holiday?
147
00:09:30,433 --> 00:09:33,433
Oh, my God, then there really
could have been a mix-up.
148
00:09:33,466 --> 00:09:38,183
I mean, what, were there,
like, two doctors left
in that hospital?
149
00:09:39,450 --> 00:09:42,330
[MUSIC PLAYING]
150
00:09:44,166 --> 00:09:47,350
Your cheeks were so rosy
when you were a baby.
151
00:09:47,383 --> 00:09:49,416
Were you wearing blush?
152
00:09:49,450 --> 00:09:52,316
No. I was making.
153
00:09:58,166 --> 00:10:00,266
C.C., just tell them
the deal is off.
154
00:10:00,300 --> 00:10:02,216
I want you to get yourself
on a plane and come home.
155
00:10:02,250 --> 00:10:05,333
Are you stark raving mad, sir?
Sell that shlock.
156
00:10:07,366 --> 00:10:10,333
I'd just like to know
why they were interested
in my play in the first place
157
00:10:10,366 --> 00:10:12,330
if they wanna change everything.
158
00:10:12,660 --> 00:10:14,216
Oh, you'll drive yourself
crazy
asking questions like that.
159
00:10:14,250 --> 00:10:16,366
Just tell them,
show me the money!
160
00:10:22,133 --> 00:10:23,466
I'll call her back in the car.
161
00:10:24,000 --> 00:10:26,330
Now, come on,
we're gonna miss the movies.
162
00:10:26,660 --> 00:10:29,250
- Bye, Fran.
- Bye, kids. Have fun.
163
00:10:30,416 --> 00:10:32,330
There we are, Ms. Fine.
164
00:10:32,660 --> 00:10:34,216
This way you can meet
your new mother in private.
165
00:10:34,250 --> 00:10:38,100
Don't call me Ms. Fine.
That may not be my name.
166
00:10:38,133 --> 00:10:41,200
I may be a completely
different person.
167
00:10:41,233 --> 00:10:43,300
I may not even
talk like this.
168
00:10:45,116 --> 00:10:47,283
Come here. Oh, come on.
169
00:10:47,316 --> 00:10:51,383
I'm sure everything
is gonna turn out just fine.
170
00:10:55,830 --> 00:10:57,830
[THINKING]Well, well, well,
171
00:10:57,116 --> 00:10:59,150
I'm gettinga different mother,
172
00:10:59,183 --> 00:11:01,383
and suddenly he can'tkeep his hands off me.
173
00:11:03,466 --> 00:11:07,450
Coincidence? I think not.
174
00:11:08,000 --> 00:11:09,316
[DOORBELL RINGS]
175
00:11:10,216 --> 00:11:11,466
Oh, my God.
176
00:11:18,160 --> 00:11:19,200
LILA: Fran?
177
00:11:19,483 --> 00:11:21,300
Ma?
178
00:11:26,316 --> 00:11:29,100
[MUSIC PLAYING]
179
00:11:34,400 --> 00:11:38,166
Oh, look at us.
You can't be my mother.
180
00:11:38,200 --> 00:11:40,450
Why not? Your children
look nothing like you.
181
00:11:43,183 --> 00:11:46,466
Those aren't my children.
I'm not even married.
182
00:11:47,000 --> 00:11:49,366
You're not?
Honey, what are you waiting
for?
183
00:11:51,466 --> 00:11:53,300
Sit down, Ma.
184
00:11:56,150 --> 00:12:00,183
So I'm guessing that my father
was probably, uh...
185
00:12:00,216 --> 00:12:01,383
a honky?
186
00:12:04,100 --> 00:12:07,216
Well, actually when we first
met, I thought he was black.
187
00:12:07,250 --> 00:12:10,283
But then two weeks after
we left Miami, he faded.
188
00:12:10,316 --> 00:12:12,366
[LAUGHING]
189
00:12:14,000 --> 00:12:15,466
Oh, Miami.
190
00:12:16,000 --> 00:12:19,100
So then, I'm still Jewish.
191
00:12:19,133 --> 00:12:21,233
Oh, absolutely.
192
00:12:21,266 --> 00:12:23,466
You know, actually, Fran,
we wouldn't be sitting
here together
193
00:12:24,000 --> 00:12:26,150
- if it weren't
for Morley Safer.
- [GASPS]
194
00:12:26,183 --> 00:12:29,660
Morley Safer's my father?
195
00:12:29,100 --> 00:12:30,200
No.
196
00:12:30,233 --> 00:12:32,483
No, no,60 Minutes
did an exposé
197
00:12:33,160 --> 00:12:34,483
on this nurse
at Midtown General.
198
00:12:35,160 --> 00:12:38,660
She confessed that she had
mixed up some birth records
199
00:12:38,100 --> 00:12:39,400
right around the time
both of you were born.
200
00:12:39,433 --> 00:12:42,300
[GASPS]
How could that happen?
201
00:12:42,333 --> 00:12:44,483
She said she dropped them
while she was chasing
202
00:12:45,160 --> 00:12:47,333
some maternity patient
who was stealing food.
203
00:12:55,300 --> 00:12:59,116
So anyway, my daughter
got tested and found out
that it was true.
204
00:12:59,150 --> 00:13:01,366
There is no way that we
are genetically related.
205
00:13:01,400 --> 00:13:03,383
- Oh, tsk, tsk, tsk...
- Oh, we were both devastated
206
00:13:03,416 --> 00:13:05,283
when we found out I
wasn't her real mother.
207
00:13:05,316 --> 00:13:08,483
Wait until she finds out
who her real mommy might be.
208
00:13:12,266 --> 00:13:13,450
Listen, Fran, you know what?
209
00:13:13,483 --> 00:13:16,300
I would love for you to come
to dinner tomorrow night
210
00:13:16,333 --> 00:13:17,483
and meet the rest of the family.
211
00:13:18,160 --> 00:13:19,433
I have two grown sons.
212
00:13:19,466 --> 00:13:22,150
Oh, all right, I got brothers.
213
00:13:22,183 --> 00:13:25,450
That's right. By my second
husband. He's African-American.
214
00:13:25,483 --> 00:13:28,283
Oh, so I got "brothers."
215
00:13:28,316 --> 00:13:30,133
[LAUGHING]
216
00:13:38,100 --> 00:13:40,366
So you're telling me
that you're black?
217
00:13:40,400 --> 00:13:42,350
And beautiful.
218
00:13:44,433 --> 00:13:47,166
Well, you're finally home.
219
00:13:49,183 --> 00:13:50,400
Ms. Babcock called,
220
00:13:50,433 --> 00:13:53,150
and it looks as if she won't
be moving to California.
221
00:13:53,183 --> 00:13:55,166
CBS decided not to do your play.
222
00:13:55,200 --> 00:13:57,500
- Why?
- Because they saw it.
223
00:13:59,216 --> 00:14:02,416
So now I bet they make me pitch
a hundred lame ideas
224
00:14:02,450 --> 00:14:04,316
just to keep me
to that bloody contract.
225
00:14:04,350 --> 00:14:06,000
Do you mean there's
still a chance
226
00:14:06,330 --> 00:14:08,266
to keep C.C. selling shoddy
shows by the seashore?
227
00:14:09,250 --> 00:14:10,433
You get in your office, man,
228
00:14:10,466 --> 00:14:12,416
and come up with a fresh idea.
229
00:14:12,450 --> 00:14:14,200
If I had a fresh idea,
230
00:14:14,233 --> 00:14:17,330
I wouldn't be trying to sell
this crap on Broadway.
231
00:14:18,150 --> 00:14:20,366
What about the story of the
nice
Jewish girl from Flushing
232
00:14:20,400 --> 00:14:23,216
who discovers that her mother
is an African-American?
233
00:14:23,250 --> 00:14:29,333
Excuse me, but this happens
to be a highly personal,
very private story...
234
00:14:29,366 --> 00:14:33,500
- You'll get a royalty.
- ...that just screams
movie of the week.
235
00:14:36,830 --> 00:14:37,266
- You want a nosh?
- Mmm.
236
00:14:37,300 --> 00:14:39,100
I just made a peanut
butter sandwich
237
00:14:39,133 --> 00:14:43,000
courtesy of mymishpocha,
George Washington Carver.
238
00:14:44,233 --> 00:14:48,116
I just came by to tell you,
you're killing me!
239
00:14:52,266 --> 00:14:54,333
Want it cut in half
or in the diagonal?
240
00:14:54,366 --> 00:14:57,830
You're just gonna
let her walk out like that?
241
00:14:57,116 --> 00:14:59,233
Diagonal.
242
00:14:59,266 --> 00:15:02,133
Oh, she's waiting
right outside the door,
243
00:15:02,166 --> 00:15:06,416
just waiting for me to come
around and beg her to come in.
244
00:15:06,450 --> 00:15:09,830
SYLVIA: Bigshot,
knows everything!
245
00:15:12,000 --> 00:15:13,183
I just want you to know
246
00:15:13,216 --> 00:15:15,400
that after you gave me
the bad news yesterday,
247
00:15:15,433 --> 00:15:19,330
my whole body broke out
in blotches all over.
248
00:15:19,660 --> 00:15:20,333
- Look.
- Oh, please, no.
249
00:15:20,366 --> 00:15:24,000
Let's keep those hatches
battened down, shall we?
250
00:15:26,000 --> 00:15:30,233
Ma, calm down.
You're very upset.
251
00:15:30,266 --> 00:15:32,200
- [CRYING]
- You want some pudding?
252
00:15:32,233 --> 00:15:35,133
Why do people think
I only respond to food?
253
00:15:35,166 --> 00:15:37,433
My heart is breaking!
254
00:15:37,466 --> 00:15:39,450
Oh, Sylvia,
you're here, perfect.
255
00:15:39,483 --> 00:15:41,483
Ms. Babcock faxed
over this contract.
256
00:15:42,160 --> 00:15:45,200
We're doing a movie
about your daughter
and her two mothers.
257
00:15:45,233 --> 00:15:47,000
[WAILING]
258
00:15:47,330 --> 00:15:49,266
We'll need your
John Hancock right here.
259
00:15:49,300 --> 00:15:52,283
Niles, can't you see
Sylvia is distraught?
260
00:15:52,316 --> 00:15:54,400
My God, the woman
turned down pudding.
261
00:15:55,333 --> 00:15:57,466
When did I turn it down?
262
00:15:59,283 --> 00:16:00,466
[♪ Sister Sledge:
"We Are Family"]
263
00:16:01,000 --> 00:16:03,000
♪♪ We are family ♪♪
264
00:16:04,160 --> 00:16:06,333
♪♪ I got all my sisterswith me ♪♪
265
00:16:08,150 --> 00:16:10,200
♪♪ We are family ♪♪
266
00:16:10,233 --> 00:16:12,116
[SIREN WAILS]
267
00:16:12,150 --> 00:16:14,400
♪♪ Get up everybody, sing ♪♪
268
00:16:14,433 --> 00:16:16,000
What?
269
00:16:16,330 --> 00:16:18,300
♪♪ We are family... ♪♪
270
00:16:18,333 --> 00:16:19,466
[SHUTS OFF ENGINE]
271
00:16:21,500 --> 00:16:22,300
Can I see your license please?
272
00:16:22,333 --> 00:16:24,416
Officer, I was not speeding.
273
00:16:24,450 --> 00:16:26,450
I'm citing you
for reckless driving, lady.
274
00:16:26,483 --> 00:16:29,166
What reckless? I was
just putting on mascara
275
00:16:29,200 --> 00:16:31,200
and brushing my hair.
276
00:16:31,233 --> 00:16:33,283
What were you holding
the wheel with?
277
00:16:37,200 --> 00:16:39,500
Driver's license, please.
278
00:16:41,333 --> 00:16:47,150
You know, it is just
so obvious why you stopped me.
279
00:16:47,183 --> 00:16:49,283
Yeah? And why is that, Ms. Fine?
280
00:16:49,316 --> 00:16:51,400
[SCOFFS] Because I'm black.
281
00:16:52,466 --> 00:16:55,830
[MUSIC PLAYING]
282
00:17:00,366 --> 00:17:02,283
Hi.
283
00:17:02,316 --> 00:17:06,250
Wow! What a palace!
284
00:17:06,283 --> 00:17:08,830
Ooh, I forgot something.
285
00:17:08,116 --> 00:17:11,330
- What?
- My luggage.
286
00:17:12,466 --> 00:17:17,330
- Fran, I'm so
delighted to see you.
- Hi. Mwah!
287
00:17:17,660 --> 00:17:20,483
Oh, Ma, I just love
what you've done with our home.
288
00:17:21,160 --> 00:17:22,216
Oh...
289
00:17:22,250 --> 00:17:25,160
We had it all redone
in neo-classic.
290
00:17:25,500 --> 00:17:28,483
Oh, we had ours all recovered
in neo-plastic.
291
00:17:29,160 --> 00:17:31,160
[LAUGHING]
292
00:17:31,500 --> 00:17:33,216
- I'd like for you
to meet my son.
- Oh, hi.
293
00:17:33,250 --> 00:17:35,200
- How do you do? I'm David.
- Hi.
294
00:17:35,233 --> 00:17:38,830
- Hello. I'm Mark.
- Oh, why so formal?
295
00:17:38,116 --> 00:17:41,366
I'm your sister.
Come here and give me a hug.
296
00:17:41,400 --> 00:17:45,330
You know,
I haven't seen you guys
in....
297
00:17:45,660 --> 00:17:46,466
Well, ever.
[LAUGHING]
298
00:17:48,500 --> 00:17:49,466
Shall we havehors d'doeuvres
in the salon?
299
00:17:50,000 --> 00:17:52,316
Oy, a salon.
300
00:17:52,350 --> 00:17:56,333
Why didn't Morley Safer
do that story 20 years ago?
301
00:17:58,333 --> 00:18:02,333
Ooh! So, tell me, boys,
what do you do?
302
00:18:02,366 --> 00:18:04,266
I'm a resident
at New York Hospital.
303
00:18:04,300 --> 00:18:06,450
Ooh, ha!
304
00:18:08,660 --> 00:18:09,450
I'm in NYU Law School.
305
00:18:09,483 --> 00:18:14,330
And I'm a nanny.
Look at this, Ma.
Three professionals.
306
00:18:14,660 --> 00:18:17,660
Boy, ambition like that,
it's in the blood.
307
00:18:18,830 --> 00:18:20,100
[DOORBELL RINGS]
308
00:18:20,133 --> 00:18:23,100
Ooh, raisin kugel.
309
00:18:23,133 --> 00:18:25,250
- It was your
grandmother's recipe.
- Oh.
310
00:18:25,283 --> 00:18:29,500
Man, her potato latkes
were the bomb.
311
00:18:29,830 --> 00:18:31,330
- Where is she?
- Ma?
312
00:18:31,660 --> 00:18:33,216
I can't keep silent no more.
313
00:18:33,250 --> 00:18:35,100
Fran is my daughter.
314
00:18:35,133 --> 00:18:39,330
I nursed her through measles,
chicken pox, her first zits,
315
00:18:39,660 --> 00:18:42,330
and no one will ever
take her away from me.
316
00:18:42,400 --> 00:18:44,100
You're black?
317
00:18:47,660 --> 00:18:49,433
How the hell can she
be your mother?
318
00:18:49,466 --> 00:18:52,166
Well, her first husband
was Jewish.
319
00:18:52,200 --> 00:18:56,283
Oh, well, that explains
the kugel I smell,
320
00:18:56,316 --> 00:19:00,166
which no one has offered me.
321
00:19:00,200 --> 00:19:03,300
Why are you pursuing this?
I am your mother,
322
00:19:03,333 --> 00:19:06,330
and nothing that this
woman will ever say
323
00:19:06,660 --> 00:19:08,483
will ever convince me
that I am not.
324
00:19:09,160 --> 00:19:11,330
Would you two like
a little privacy?
325
00:19:11,660 --> 00:19:13,330
We have a guest house.
326
00:19:13,660 --> 00:19:14,330
You hear that?
327
00:19:14,660 --> 00:19:16,116
Your mother has a guest house.
328
00:19:18,366 --> 00:19:20,450
[PHONE RINGING]
329
00:19:20,483 --> 00:19:24,333
Does your butler service
the guest house, too?
330
00:19:26,366 --> 00:19:27,466
Ma.
331
00:19:28,160 --> 00:19:29,266
BOTH: What?
332
00:19:31,350 --> 00:19:32,466
Well, that was the hospital
333
00:19:33,000 --> 00:19:34,300
with the results
of Fran's blood test.
334
00:19:34,333 --> 00:19:35,383
Yeah?
335
00:19:35,416 --> 00:19:37,316
Mom, I'm really sorry,
336
00:19:37,350 --> 00:19:39,333
but your DNA doesn't match.
337
00:19:39,366 --> 00:19:41,333
Fran's not your daughter.
338
00:19:41,366 --> 00:19:44,300
- Tsk! Oh...
- I'm so disappointed.
339
00:19:44,333 --> 00:19:46,283
I feel like I've
known you my whole life.
340
00:19:46,316 --> 00:19:50,830
Oh, you know,
you will always be my friend.
341
00:19:50,116 --> 00:19:54,233
Doctors make mistakes.
We'll get a second opinion.
342
00:19:54,266 --> 00:19:57,330
Ma, you're embarrassing me.
343
00:19:57,660 --> 00:19:59,830
Will you stop calling me Ma?
344
00:20:01,116 --> 00:20:03,330
Knock it off,
you're my mother.
345
00:20:03,660 --> 00:20:05,483
If I can accept it,
who's the bigger sport here?
346
00:20:15,416 --> 00:20:17,150
BOTH: Good.
347
00:20:18,160 --> 00:20:20,116
[MUSIC PLAYING]
348
00:20:22,200 --> 00:20:26,116
Oh, I can't believe
I came this close
349
00:20:26,150 --> 00:20:29,433
to having a gorgeous
mansion with a butler
350
00:20:29,466 --> 00:20:33,160
and a loving family
of my own.
351
00:20:33,500 --> 00:20:35,116
Ms. Fine, you have
all that here.
352
00:20:36,200 --> 00:20:38,350
Here's what I'm talking about.
353
00:20:40,166 --> 00:20:43,216
- [GROANS]
- Oh, C.C., at last,
there you are.
354
00:20:43,250 --> 00:20:45,160
What on earth kept you?
355
00:20:45,500 --> 00:20:48,183
Well, the plane
landed in Chicago,
Bucksnort, Tennessee;
356
00:20:48,216 --> 00:20:50,300
and I don't know, Hooterville.
357
00:20:50,333 --> 00:20:53,300
What hack travel agent
booked that flight?
358
00:20:53,333 --> 00:20:55,400
I'm Niles, fly me.
359
00:21:01,116 --> 00:21:02,466
Fran, is your mother mad at us?
360
00:21:03,000 --> 00:21:05,166
She hasn't called,
she hasn't come over.
361
00:21:05,200 --> 00:21:07,183
There are left-overs.
362
00:21:10,330 --> 00:21:13,333
Oh, honey, I think
that the whole mix-up
really got to her.
363
00:21:13,366 --> 00:21:16,100
She hasn't answered
any of my calls.
364
00:21:16,133 --> 00:21:18,116
Maybe she just needs
a little space.
365
00:21:19,830 --> 00:21:20,450
Sylvia, dear,
you don't understand.
366
00:21:20,483 --> 00:21:24,830
You see, even if Fran
were my daughter
367
00:21:24,116 --> 00:21:28,000
you and I are not related.
368
00:21:30,250 --> 00:21:33,316
Fine, I know
when I'm not wanted.
369
00:21:33,350 --> 00:21:35,350
And I'm not one to push.
370
00:21:39,466 --> 00:21:43,200
Morty, wake up Yetta
and get out of the pool!
371
00:21:49,266 --> 00:21:52,133
[AWKWARD LAUGH]
372
00:22:09,116 --> 00:22:12,330
Hey, I grew up pretty good.
373
00:22:12,660 --> 00:22:16,383
I got myself a mansion,
kids, a gorgeous husband.
374
00:22:18,330 --> 00:22:20,283
You're the nanny, baby.
375
00:22:20,316 --> 00:22:22,400
[SCREAMING]
376
00:22:26,283 --> 00:22:29,300
[MUSIC PLAYING]
377
00:22:36,133 --> 00:22:38,200
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
28715
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