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1
00:00:05,100 --> 00:00:06,000
[HIGH-PITCHED]
Hello, my name is
Maggie Sheffield,
2
00:00:06,330 --> 00:00:06,433
and I'm a total geek.
3
00:00:08,333 --> 00:00:10,266
You are so immature.
4
00:00:10,300 --> 00:00:12,233
[HIGH-PITCHED]
Yeah, Brighton,
you're so immature.
5
00:00:12,266 --> 00:00:13,133
[SQUEAKY LAUGH]
6
00:00:16,116 --> 00:00:18,333
Miss Fine,
your mother's
50?
7
00:00:18,366 --> 00:00:20,366
Isn't she stretching
the truth just a tad?
8
00:00:20,400 --> 00:00:22,366
Please, the only thing
stretched more
9
00:00:22,400 --> 00:00:23,350
is Clinton's bicycle shorts.
10
00:00:27,266 --> 00:00:29,500
Fifty billion served,
and that's just the White
House.
11
00:00:33,350 --> 00:00:36,400
SYLVIA: Gee, I wonder if
my daughter Fran is at
home.
12
00:00:36,433 --> 00:00:38,100
I will see if she is.
13
00:00:38,133 --> 00:00:39,216
[RINGS DOORBELL]
14
00:00:39,250 --> 00:00:41,250
Come on, kids,
get ready.
15
00:00:41,283 --> 00:00:43,416
Fran, how come we're
practicing the surprise party?
16
00:00:43,450 --> 00:00:45,400
Then it won't be a surprise.
17
00:00:45,433 --> 00:00:48,116
Oh, sweetie, at your
age
a surprise is a big
thrill.
18
00:00:48,150 --> 00:00:50,216
At her age, they're already
rubbin' two paddles together
19
00:00:50,250 --> 00:00:51,330
and yelling, "Clear."
20
00:00:54,183 --> 00:00:56,116
ALL:
Surprise!
21
00:00:56,150 --> 00:00:58,150
[NORMAL VOICE]
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
22
00:01:03,216 --> 00:01:05,100
Ma, I hope you fake it
better with Daddy.
23
00:01:11,500 --> 00:01:12,166
I was his first.
What does he know?
24
00:01:15,233 --> 00:01:17,450
Excuse me, Miss Sylvia, I just
want to double-check the menu.
25
00:01:17,483 --> 00:01:20,433
Er, meatballs, cocktail
franks,
cheese puffs.
26
00:01:20,466 --> 00:01:22,160
Is there some reason
you don't want your
family
27
00:01:22,500 --> 00:01:24,383
to handle silverware?
28
00:01:24,383 --> 00:01:27,160
Darling, don't you know?
29
00:01:27,500 --> 00:01:29,000
If it's on a toothpick,
it's not fattening.
30
00:01:29,330 --> 00:01:29,350
Ah.
31
00:01:31,466 --> 00:01:35,160
Yeah, my Aunt Frida
uses two like chopsticks.
32
00:01:35,500 --> 00:01:37,266
She looks like a very heavily
made-up praying mantis.
33
00:01:37,300 --> 00:01:38,000
Doesn't she?
[CHUCKLES]
34
00:01:40,160 --> 00:01:42,660
Mmm.
35
00:01:42,100 --> 00:01:44,316
Are there gonna be any boys
my age at this party?
36
00:01:44,350 --> 00:01:48,330
Maybe we can fix her up
with
little Cousin Irving.
37
00:01:48,660 --> 00:01:51,383
Oh, he's a nice boy
with a wonderful personality.
38
00:01:51,416 --> 00:01:54,500
Oh, yeah, good idea, Ma.
39
00:01:54,830 --> 00:01:55,000
Is he still ringin'
the bell
at Notre Dame?
40
00:01:58,000 --> 00:02:00,116
God.
- Don't worry, don't worry.
41
00:02:00,150 --> 00:02:01,300
When I see him comin', I'll
give
you a very subtle sign.
42
00:02:06,166 --> 00:02:09,100
Ah, there's the birthday girl!
43
00:02:09,133 --> 00:02:11,300
Oh, Mr. Sheffield,
you're such a doll,
44
00:02:11,333 --> 00:02:13,466
letting us have
my party here.
45
00:02:14,160 --> 00:02:16,500
You know, we only have
oneterlet,
46
00:02:18,383 --> 00:02:20,366
Morty's brothers are
all coming.
47
00:02:22,400 --> 00:02:25,500
Oh, oh, that reminds me.
48
00:02:25,830 --> 00:02:27,000
Sweetie, go put
anAir Wick Solid
in every bathroom.
49
00:02:30,233 --> 00:02:33,100
So, Miss Babcock, are you coming
to my surprise party?
50
00:02:33,133 --> 00:02:34,383
Ah, I'm afraid not.
51
00:02:34,416 --> 00:02:38,250
And it's just killing us.
52
00:02:38,283 --> 00:02:40,183
We're taking the train to
Gene Shalit's for the weekend.
53
00:02:40,216 --> 00:02:42,160
Gene Shalit!
54
00:02:42,500 --> 00:02:43,216
Hoo-ha.
55
00:02:43,250 --> 00:02:44,416
Is he sexy or what?
56
00:02:46,316 --> 00:02:49,466
Ma, Gene Shalit, sexy?
57
00:02:50,000 --> 00:02:51,300
Oh, you gotta stop
inhaling
when you spray your
hair.
58
00:02:53,400 --> 00:02:55,500
They're having
a little gathering
59
00:02:55,830 --> 00:02:57,660
before the Tony nominations.
60
00:02:57,100 --> 00:02:59,150
Maxwell and I are
sharing
a guest cottage
61
00:02:59,183 --> 00:03:00,350
right by the water.
62
00:03:00,383 --> 00:03:02,330
How convenient, sir,
63
00:03:02,660 --> 00:03:05,100
should you want to
drown yourself.
64
00:03:05,100 --> 00:03:06,483
Oh, Miss Fine, here.
65
00:03:07,160 --> 00:03:09,200
Allow me to contribute
66
00:03:09,233 --> 00:03:11,216
this exquisiteChambertin
to your mother's party.
67
00:03:11,250 --> 00:03:13,160
Oh.
Maxwell!
68
00:03:13,500 --> 00:03:16,000
I thought this wine
was for our weekend.
69
00:03:16,330 --> 00:03:18,433
I don't think the Fines would
appreciate a vintage Burgundy.
70
00:03:18,466 --> 00:03:22,500
Yes, we're very big
on vintage beverages.
71
00:03:22,830 --> 00:03:23,450
In our storage bin,
we've got a case of Tab
72
00:03:23,483 --> 00:03:24,333
from the Bay of Pigs.
73
00:03:27,350 --> 00:03:29,266
All right, Maxwell,
I'll meet you at the
station.
74
00:03:29,300 --> 00:03:32,100
I wanna pick up the
perfect
hostess gift for the
Shalits.
75
00:03:32,133 --> 00:03:33,366
What do you think
would just make their
weekend?
76
00:03:33,400 --> 00:03:35,330
Miss the train.
77
00:03:38,283 --> 00:03:41,283
[THEME SONG PLAYS]
78
00:03:41,316 --> 00:03:42,383
♪ She was workin'
In a bridal shop ♪
79
00:03:42,416 --> 00:03:44,150
♪ In Flushing, Queens ♪
80
00:03:44,183 --> 00:03:45,316
♪ Till her boyfriend
Kicked her out ♪
81
00:03:45,350 --> 00:03:47,116
♪ In one of those
Crushing scenes ♪
82
00:03:47,150 --> 00:03:48,483
♪ What was she to do?
Where was she to go? ♪
83
00:03:49,160 --> 00:03:52,830
♪ She was out on her fanny ♪
84
00:03:52,116 --> 00:03:53,400
♪ So over the bridge
From Flushing ♪
85
00:03:53,433 --> 00:03:55,216
♪ To the Sheffields' door ♪
86
00:03:55,250 --> 00:03:57,350
♪ She was there to sell makeup
But father saw more ♪
87
00:03:57,383 --> 00:03:59,350
♪ She had style, She had flair
She was there ♪
88
00:03:59,383 --> 00:04:03,400
♪ That's how she became
The nanny ♪
89
00:04:03,433 --> 00:04:06,300
♪ Who would have guessed
That the girl we described ♪
90
00:04:06,333 --> 00:04:08,366
♪ Was just exactly what
The doctor prescribed? ♪
91
00:04:08,400 --> 00:04:09,400
♪ Now the father
Finds her beguiling ♪
92
00:04:09,433 --> 00:04:11,150
♪ Watch out, C.C. ♪
93
00:04:11,183 --> 00:04:12,216
♪ And the kids
Are actually smiling ♪
94
00:04:12,250 --> 00:04:13,433
♪ Such joie de vivre ♪
95
00:04:13,466 --> 00:04:15,250
♪ She's the lady in red ♪
96
00:04:15,283 --> 00:04:19,160
♪ When everybody else
Is wearing tan ♪
97
00:04:19,500 --> 00:04:21,266
♪ The flashy girl
From Flushing ♪
98
00:04:21,300 --> 00:04:22,500
♪ The nanny named Fran ♪
99
00:04:26,366 --> 00:04:28,250
This'll be a great party.
100
00:04:28,283 --> 00:04:30,830
A bunch of 60-year-old ladies
pinching my cheeks.
101
00:04:31,233 --> 00:04:33,830
Learn to love it.
102
00:04:33,116 --> 00:04:34,116
That's as close to a woman
as you'll ever get.
103
00:04:37,400 --> 00:04:38,383
I have two words for you.
104
00:04:38,416 --> 00:04:39,266
Cousin...Irving.
105
00:04:42,150 --> 00:04:45,333
Just think of this party
as an educational experience.
106
00:04:45,366 --> 00:04:47,483
Pretend you're Dian Fossey,
observing the gorillas.
107
00:04:50,150 --> 00:04:51,450
Just don't get too close
when they eat.
108
00:04:51,483 --> 00:04:53,483
You could lose
a hand that way.
109
00:04:54,160 --> 00:04:56,216
What's all that gunk
at the bottom of the
bottle?
110
00:04:56,250 --> 00:04:58,166
Mm, honey,
that's the best part.
111
00:04:58,200 --> 00:04:59,233
It's the wine concentrate.
112
00:05:02,166 --> 00:05:04,133
Oh, my God.
113
00:05:04,166 --> 00:05:06,233
What are you doing with
Mr. Sheffield's best
Burgundy?
114
00:05:06,266 --> 00:05:08,133
Uh, I'm making a sangria.
115
00:05:12,216 --> 00:05:13,160
Does it need
more Equal?
116
00:05:14,233 --> 00:05:14,433
Two more packs.
117
00:05:17,350 --> 00:05:20,500
Oh, Miss Fine, using
that wine to make
sangria
118
00:05:20,830 --> 00:05:22,116
is like asking
Pavarotti
to singMuskratLove.
119
00:05:27,160 --> 00:05:28,483
He should only have the career
Captain & Tennille had.
120
00:05:30,383 --> 00:05:33,200
Oh, kids, before I forget,
121
00:05:33,233 --> 00:05:36,000
go dig out my Herb Alpert
& the Tijuana Brass album.
122
00:05:36,330 --> 00:05:37,266
I really want
this party to cook.
123
00:05:40,433 --> 00:05:44,500
Oh, Niles, I thought
that you made dip.
124
00:05:44,830 --> 00:05:45,366
I did.
That's porcini
mushrooms,
125
00:05:45,400 --> 00:05:47,383
shallots and chives.
126
00:05:47,416 --> 00:05:49,100
Oh, now, I'm gonna
have to go to the store
127
00:05:49,133 --> 00:05:50,350
and get some onion-soup mix.
128
00:05:53,283 --> 00:05:54,316
Well, I had to get
the Pringles, anyway.
129
00:05:57,200 --> 00:05:59,000
Cheer up.
130
00:05:59,330 --> 00:06:01,216
Did I mention my cousin
Sophie is coming today?
131
00:06:01,250 --> 00:06:04,116
Don't tell me. She's smart
and has a wonderful
personality.
132
00:06:04,150 --> 00:06:06,500
No, she's dumb as a post,
133
00:06:06,830 --> 00:06:08,100
but she's built like a brick--
134
00:06:08,133 --> 00:06:11,330
Say no more.
Just give me a subtle
signal.
135
00:06:17,500 --> 00:06:18,400
Where's Maxwell?
136
00:06:18,433 --> 00:06:20,283
Oh, I thought he was
meeting you at the station.
137
00:06:20,316 --> 00:06:21,350
He already left.
138
00:06:21,383 --> 00:06:23,433
Niles!
139
00:06:23,466 --> 00:06:26,383
I called and said that
I would pick him up here.
140
00:06:26,416 --> 00:06:28,400
I told you to give him
the message.
141
00:06:28,433 --> 00:06:30,350
Oh, I thought you
said
give him amassage.
142
00:06:32,450 --> 00:06:33,350
I didn't think
that was
appropriate.
143
00:06:37,400 --> 00:06:40,283
I'm not gonna let anything
bother me this weekend.
144
00:06:40,316 --> 00:06:43,660
As long as I'm here, I might
as well pick up a little wine.
145
00:06:43,100 --> 00:06:45,330
Put Maxwell in the mood.
146
00:06:45,660 --> 00:06:47,133
Did I tell you we have
a private compartment?
147
00:06:47,166 --> 00:06:48,416
And tonight
there's a full moon.
148
00:06:51,133 --> 00:06:52,316
Well, I hope she packed
a lot of Nair.
149
00:06:57,400 --> 00:06:59,466
♪ Luck, be a lady tonight ♪
150
00:07:02,316 --> 00:07:06,216
♪ Luck, if you've everbeenA lady to begin with ♪
151
00:07:06,250 --> 00:07:07,416
♪ Luck, be a lady to-- ♪
152
00:07:14,283 --> 00:07:15,433
[CHUCKLES]
153
00:07:15,466 --> 00:07:17,166
Oh, no.
154
00:07:17,200 --> 00:07:20,166
[CHUCKLES]
155
00:07:20,200 --> 00:07:22,283
[LAUGHING]
I can't believe
this is happening.
156
00:07:22,316 --> 00:07:24,433
[LAUGHING]
157
00:07:24,466 --> 00:07:28,433
[LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY]
158
00:07:28,466 --> 00:07:33,233
[CRYING HYSTERICALLY]
159
00:07:34,366 --> 00:07:36,350
[GASPS]
160
00:07:36,383 --> 00:07:38,350
Okay, there must be
another way out of here.
161
00:07:41,400 --> 00:07:44,383
Miss Babcock,
I OD'd on the Equal.
162
00:07:44,416 --> 00:07:47,116
Could you pass me
another bottle of Burgundy?
163
00:07:47,150 --> 00:07:49,383
[SOBBING] Oh, Nanny Fine,
I love you!
164
00:07:49,416 --> 00:07:51,500
[SHRIEKS]
You fool!
165
00:07:52,483 --> 00:07:54,283
Boy, do you blow
hot and cold.
166
00:07:57,350 --> 00:07:59,400
You know, a lot of women go
through their change early.
167
00:07:59,433 --> 00:08:02,316
It's nothing to
be
ashamed of.
168
00:08:02,350 --> 00:08:05,183
You let the door close,
and now we're trapped in
here,
169
00:08:05,216 --> 00:08:07,000
and I'm gonna miss my train.
170
00:08:07,330 --> 00:08:09,250
Okay, calm down.
171
00:08:09,283 --> 00:08:11,660
Don't panic.
172
00:08:11,100 --> 00:08:13,000
Maybe I can fix it.
173
00:08:14,216 --> 00:08:15,500
Sheesh.
174
00:08:20,300 --> 00:08:22,200
No.
175
00:08:22,233 --> 00:08:23,266
[YELLING]
Help! Help! Help!
176
00:08:27,166 --> 00:08:29,133
Save it.
No one's gonna hear
you.
177
00:08:29,166 --> 00:08:32,330
This was originally built
as a bomb shelter.
178
00:08:32,660 --> 00:08:35,160
Hey, don't underestimate
the power of these adenoids.
179
00:08:35,500 --> 00:08:36,183
I once had
next-door neighbors
180
00:08:36,216 --> 00:08:37,300
that movedcloser
to the airport.
181
00:08:40,366 --> 00:08:43,000
Hey, this room is...
very small, isn't it?
182
00:08:44,350 --> 00:08:45,483
Why? Are you claustrophobic?
183
00:08:46,160 --> 00:08:47,200
Oh, thank you.
184
00:08:47,233 --> 00:08:48,183
Now you put it in my head.
185
00:08:50,316 --> 00:08:52,150
And I'm reliving...
186
00:08:52,183 --> 00:08:54,333
Loehmann's...dressing room.
187
00:08:54,366 --> 00:08:57,116
Big sale.
188
00:08:57,150 --> 00:08:59,333
Two hundred naked women
all screaming,
189
00:08:59,366 --> 00:09:00,416
"Where did you find that?"
190
00:09:03,200 --> 00:09:06,250
I was clinging
to my mother's
girdle.
191
00:09:06,283 --> 00:09:08,000
Dimples,
dimples,
everywhere.
192
00:09:09,316 --> 00:09:10,450
And not one on a face.
193
00:09:14,000 --> 00:09:16,500
And then...and
then...
and then--
194
00:09:18,200 --> 00:09:20,160
Oh, look, an alarm box.
195
00:09:21,433 --> 00:09:23,350
You know,
if we cut the wires,
196
00:09:23,383 --> 00:09:25,830
we can trip the system,
197
00:09:25,116 --> 00:09:26,366
and the cops'll
come and find us.
198
00:09:26,400 --> 00:09:29,150
What have you got?
- Uh...
199
00:09:29,183 --> 00:09:30,300
[SHOUTS]
Nail clippers!
200
00:09:30,333 --> 00:09:32,160
Excellent.
201
00:09:32,500 --> 00:09:33,660
[ELECTRIC ZAP]
202
00:09:33,100 --> 00:09:35,133
[MOTOR RATTLES AND DIES]
203
00:09:39,500 --> 00:09:42,100
Well, either that alarm
is way too subtle...
204
00:09:44,150 --> 00:09:44,416
or...
205
00:09:47,266 --> 00:09:49,500
...I cut the fan off.
206
00:09:51,200 --> 00:09:53,150
And now we can't breathe.
207
00:09:53,183 --> 00:09:54,330
Oh, by the way...
208
00:10:00,166 --> 00:10:02,830
What did you do that for?
209
00:10:02,116 --> 00:10:03,333
Weren't you hysterical?
210
00:10:03,366 --> 00:10:05,160
No.
211
00:10:05,500 --> 00:10:06,160
Oh, my mistake.
212
00:10:12,266 --> 00:10:16,433
Remember, when she walks in,
we all yell, "Surprise!"
213
00:10:19,000 --> 00:10:19,450
Why?
214
00:10:22,500 --> 00:10:24,830
Because it's your daughter's
50th birthday.
215
00:10:24,116 --> 00:10:25,316
Fifty?
216
00:10:25,350 --> 00:10:27,330
She's got
brassieres
older than that.
217
00:10:29,183 --> 00:10:30,316
If she's 50,
then I'm--
218
00:10:32,366 --> 00:10:36,830
What do you know,
she's 50.
219
00:10:36,116 --> 00:10:37,116
[DOORBELL RINGS]
220
00:10:40,266 --> 00:10:43,283
SYLVIA: I wonder if
my daughter Fran is
home.
221
00:10:43,316 --> 00:10:45,133
I will see if she is.
222
00:10:47,150 --> 00:10:49,400
ALL:
Surprise!
223
00:10:49,433 --> 00:10:51,300
Will you wait
till she walks in?
224
00:10:57,166 --> 00:11:01,100
Oh, my God.
I had no
idea.
225
00:11:01,133 --> 00:11:03,433
Look at me.
226
00:11:03,466 --> 00:11:06,216
We were on our way to see
Shawshank Redemption.
227
00:11:10,500 --> 00:11:13,200
Schmooey, come meet
your Uncle Stanley.
228
00:11:13,233 --> 00:11:15,116
What are you talking about?
229
00:11:15,150 --> 00:11:17,216
Just go along with me.
230
00:11:17,250 --> 00:11:20,283
Stan, look, Schmooey.
231
00:11:20,316 --> 00:11:23,416
You haven't seen him
since he was this tall.
232
00:11:23,450 --> 00:11:26,433
He's getting bar-mitzvahed
when you're on your cruise.
233
00:11:26,466 --> 00:11:28,133
Sorry I'm gonna miss it.
234
00:11:28,166 --> 00:11:30,000
Here.
235
00:11:30,330 --> 00:11:32,000
This is from me
and your Aunt
Cookie.
236
00:11:32,330 --> 00:11:33,183
Oh, thank you very much.
237
00:11:36,233 --> 00:11:37,483
We split everything
fifty-fifty.
238
00:11:43,100 --> 00:11:46,316
Oh, I can't believe
I'm missing the
party.
239
00:11:46,350 --> 00:11:48,300
I mean, how often
does your mother turn 50?
240
00:11:48,333 --> 00:11:49,333
Two, three times?
241
00:11:52,116 --> 00:11:54,150
Here, have a drink.
242
00:11:54,183 --> 00:11:55,200
It'll calm you down.
243
00:11:55,233 --> 00:11:57,433
I don't drink.
244
00:11:57,466 --> 00:11:59,250
What do you do
when you're tense?
245
00:11:59,283 --> 00:12:00,100
Hair.
246
00:12:02,166 --> 00:12:03,660
What?
247
00:12:04,433 --> 00:12:06,160
I do hair.
248
00:12:07,250 --> 00:12:09,183
Don't even think about it.
249
00:12:10,183 --> 00:12:11,416
Fine.
250
00:12:11,450 --> 00:12:13,466
[SIGHS]
251
00:12:14,000 --> 00:12:17,183
♪ Ninety-nine bottlesOf beer on the wall ♪
252
00:12:17,216 --> 00:12:20,830
♪ Ninety-nine bottlesOf beer-- ♪
253
00:12:20,116 --> 00:12:22,450
Can you do a nice
little French twist?
254
00:12:22,483 --> 00:12:25,330
So severe you want?
255
00:12:25,660 --> 00:12:26,450
Well, let me see
what I can do.
256
00:12:26,483 --> 00:12:28,660
So tell me...
257
00:12:29,150 --> 00:12:29,466
what's doin'?
258
00:12:32,383 --> 00:12:35,330
I can't believe
this is happening.
259
00:12:35,660 --> 00:12:38,250
This was supposed to be
the weekend when Maxwell and I--
260
00:12:38,283 --> 00:12:39,200
Go ahead.
I'm
listening.
261
00:12:41,350 --> 00:12:44,116
Well, last time
we came this close.
262
00:12:44,150 --> 00:12:45,400
Mm-hm.
263
00:12:45,433 --> 00:12:46,200
Tilt.
264
00:12:49,200 --> 00:12:51,400
We were coming back
from a production in Sydney
265
00:12:51,433 --> 00:12:53,250
when our plane had to make
an emergency landing
266
00:12:53,283 --> 00:12:55,300
in the Fiji Islands.
267
00:12:55,333 --> 00:12:57,660
It was off-season,
so it was deserted.
268
00:12:57,100 --> 00:12:58,183
[MOUTHS SILENTLY]
269
00:12:58,216 --> 00:13:00,233
Well, you can use
your imagination.
270
00:13:00,266 --> 00:13:01,350
Paint me a
picture.
Pretend I can't.
271
00:13:04,116 --> 00:13:07,133
We were in the bar.
We'd had a few cocktails.
272
00:13:07,166 --> 00:13:09,350
Maxwell had that look
in his eye. [CHUCKLES]
273
00:13:09,383 --> 00:13:11,366
Mm-hm.
[LAUGHING]
274
00:13:14,830 --> 00:13:17,100
Well, he was too much
of a gentleman.
275
00:13:17,100 --> 00:13:18,330
Let me get this straight.
276
00:13:19,250 --> 00:13:21,283
He was drunk,
277
00:13:21,316 --> 00:13:23,330
you were the only woman
on a deserted island...
278
00:13:25,483 --> 00:13:27,000
..and he still
didn't
touch you.
279
00:13:30,500 --> 00:13:31,450
And you thought Gene Shalit
was gonna get him in the
mood.
280
00:13:36,416 --> 00:13:39,466
[JAZZY MUSIC PLAYING]
281
00:13:40,000 --> 00:13:41,166
I'm very worried about Fran.
282
00:13:44,200 --> 00:13:46,233
Maybe she stopped
to get your present?
283
00:13:46,266 --> 00:13:47,183
She already gave me one.
284
00:13:48,383 --> 00:13:49,250
What did you get me?
285
00:13:51,233 --> 00:13:53,000
Did you forget, Ma?
286
00:13:53,330 --> 00:13:54,433
Forget my little girl?
287
00:13:54,466 --> 00:13:57,100
Don't insult me.
288
00:13:57,133 --> 00:13:59,660
It's out there
with all the other presents.
289
00:13:59,100 --> 00:14:00,166
Oh, Ma.
290
00:14:02,400 --> 00:14:03,200
Psst.
291
00:14:06,450 --> 00:14:09,116
Get out there and put this
on the biggest box.
292
00:14:30,133 --> 00:14:31,366
Mint Chocolate Chip...
293
00:14:33,283 --> 00:14:35,200
Jamoca Almond Fudge...
294
00:14:36,366 --> 00:14:38,166
Pralines 'n Cream.
295
00:14:40,160 --> 00:14:41,216
That's it.
296
00:14:41,250 --> 00:14:43,300
That's 30.
297
00:14:43,333 --> 00:14:45,333
Oh, my God.
They lied.
298
00:14:48,300 --> 00:14:50,183
Why? Thirty's a lot.
299
00:14:50,216 --> 00:14:52,000
Is 31 so catchy?
300
00:14:54,150 --> 00:14:55,433
Oh, wait a minute.
I forgot the sherbets.
301
00:14:57,250 --> 00:14:58,183
All right,
I'll start again.
302
00:15:00,283 --> 00:15:01,466
Vanilla--
303
00:15:02,000 --> 00:15:04,000
[SHOUTS]
Stop it!
304
00:15:10,330 --> 00:15:12,266
You know, this reminds me
of when Blair and Tootie
305
00:15:12,300 --> 00:15:14,216
got caught in Mrs. Garrett's
walk-in freezer.
306
00:15:17,416 --> 00:15:20,830
Thank God Natalie went in
for a midnight snack.
307
00:15:20,116 --> 00:15:20,400
Surprise, surprise.
308
00:15:24,100 --> 00:15:27,483
These are the topics
we can no longer
discuss.
309
00:15:28,160 --> 00:15:31,300
what Woolite can
and cannot do,
310
00:15:31,333 --> 00:15:33,660
anyone with the last
name
"Cassidy"...
311
00:15:36,500 --> 00:15:39,660
odd-shaped moles
on Eastern Europeans.
312
00:15:39,100 --> 00:15:41,300
All right, okay.
313
00:15:41,333 --> 00:15:43,400
But you're really restricting
the conversation.
314
00:15:43,433 --> 00:15:45,330
Meanwhile, look how gorgeous
your hair looks.
315
00:15:48,166 --> 00:15:49,316
[MOUTHS SILENTLY]
316
00:15:49,350 --> 00:15:55,300
[POP MUSIC PLAYING]
317
00:15:55,333 --> 00:15:57,500
I got one word for you.
318
00:15:59,330 --> 00:16:01,466
Styrofoam.
319
00:16:01,466 --> 00:16:03,266
But that's not
biodegradable.
320
00:16:03,300 --> 00:16:04,250
Who's asking you to eat it?
321
00:16:06,400 --> 00:16:07,266
Hi.
322
00:16:08,166 --> 00:16:10,116
Hi.
323
00:16:10,150 --> 00:16:12,160
What are you doing
hiding
over here by yourself?
324
00:16:12,500 --> 00:16:14,330
Well, actually,
I'm trying to avoid
325
00:16:14,660 --> 00:16:15,433
running into
this geek, Irving.
326
00:16:15,466 --> 00:16:16,450
I'm Maggie.
327
00:16:16,483 --> 00:16:17,400
I'm Irving.
328
00:16:25,250 --> 00:16:26,383
Good lord!
329
00:16:28,466 --> 00:16:29,400
[HIGH-PITCHED]
What are you doing home?
330
00:16:35,266 --> 00:16:37,266
Niles, what is going on
here?
Look at this place.
331
00:16:37,300 --> 00:16:38,433
Where's Miss Fine?
332
00:16:38,466 --> 00:16:40,350
Oh, she's missing.
- Missing?
333
00:16:40,383 --> 00:16:42,166
Shh, keep your voice
down, sir.
334
00:16:42,200 --> 00:16:43,350
I don't want to alarm anyone.
335
00:16:43,383 --> 00:16:45,133
It's very
strange,
Niles.
336
00:16:45,166 --> 00:16:46,216
Miss Babcock's gone
missing too.
337
00:16:46,250 --> 00:16:47,400
Yippee!
338
00:16:53,316 --> 00:16:55,366
Why won't you play
truth or dare?
339
00:16:55,400 --> 00:16:57,333
Because all your truths
are so boring.
340
00:16:59,183 --> 00:17:00,300
[WHINES]
Come on.
341
00:17:00,333 --> 00:17:01,366
No!
342
00:17:03,300 --> 00:17:04,366
I'll let you do my makeup.
- Okay.
343
00:17:07,150 --> 00:17:09,160
Okey-dokey,
ask me.
344
00:17:09,500 --> 00:17:10,350
Truth or dare.
345
00:17:10,383 --> 00:17:13,250
Mm, I pick...
346
00:17:13,283 --> 00:17:17,660
truth.
347
00:17:17,100 --> 00:17:19,300
Okay, if you could spend
the night with anyone,
348
00:17:19,333 --> 00:17:21,300
who would it be?
349
00:17:21,333 --> 00:17:22,433
We both know, game's over.
Suck in your cheeks.
350
00:17:24,433 --> 00:17:27,383
You never know.
My answer may surprise
you.
351
00:17:27,416 --> 00:17:28,433
All right.
Shoot.
352
00:17:31,000 --> 00:17:31,450
[WHISPERS]
It's Maxwell.
353
00:17:33,350 --> 00:17:35,283
Get outta town.
354
00:17:38,216 --> 00:17:40,466
Oh, to think that right
now
we could both be lying
355
00:17:41,000 --> 00:17:43,433
in front of a fire,
my head on his
chest,
356
00:17:43,466 --> 00:17:45,300
him gently stroking my hair.
357
00:17:51,333 --> 00:17:54,383
Honey, take some deep breaths.
You're running out of oxygen.
358
00:17:54,416 --> 00:17:56,266
You're right.
Who am I kidding?
359
00:17:56,300 --> 00:17:58,233
He doesn't care about me.
360
00:17:58,266 --> 00:18:00,366
My therapist says
I'm obsessed with
him.
361
00:18:00,400 --> 00:18:03,283
How much did you have
to pay to find that out?
362
00:18:03,316 --> 00:18:06,116
If only he weren't
so darn attractive.
363
00:18:06,150 --> 00:18:08,166
He is cute.
364
00:18:08,200 --> 00:18:10,250
Oh, tell me about it.
365
00:18:10,283 --> 00:18:11,400
That little gray streak
in his hair just makes
me...
366
00:18:11,433 --> 00:18:12,316
[SHUDDERS]
367
00:18:15,416 --> 00:18:18,000
Now, you see, that would be
the first thing I'd get rid
of.
368
00:18:20,233 --> 00:18:21,383
Too Pepé Le Pew.
369
00:18:25,350 --> 00:18:27,266
Have you ever seen him
in a bathing suit?
370
00:18:27,300 --> 00:18:30,350
No!
[BOTH LAUGHING]
371
00:18:30,383 --> 00:18:33,250
Too bad.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
372
00:18:33,283 --> 00:18:34,166
I've seen him naked, though.
Does that count?
373
00:18:35,133 --> 00:18:36,660
Wha--?
374
00:18:41,150 --> 00:18:42,316
When?
375
00:18:42,350 --> 00:18:44,216
Oh, relax.
It was an accident.
376
00:18:44,250 --> 00:18:46,250
I walked in on him
in the shower.
377
00:18:46,283 --> 00:18:47,200
Forget it.
He locks now.
378
00:18:49,150 --> 00:18:50,216
Oh, the truth is...
379
00:18:52,216 --> 00:18:55,330
he's ruined me
for other men, you know?
380
00:18:55,660 --> 00:18:56,433
You?
381
00:18:56,466 --> 00:18:58,316
Next to Mr. Sheffield,
382
00:18:58,350 --> 00:19:00,116
all the guys that I date
seem like real morons.
383
00:19:02,830 --> 00:19:04,150
Gee, I wonder
if that's 'cause...
384
00:19:04,183 --> 00:19:06,133
all the guys that I date
are
385
00:19:08,183 --> 00:19:11,500
At least you date.
386
00:19:11,830 --> 00:19:14,133
I'm gonna wake up one morning
a dried-up old spinster.
387
00:19:14,166 --> 00:19:14,466
Quiet. Wait.
388
00:19:17,166 --> 00:19:18,433
Oh, if that didn't bring
Niles down, we're doomed.
389
00:19:20,433 --> 00:19:23,660
Who cares?
I might as well
die.
390
00:19:23,100 --> 00:19:25,183
Then I can
at least haunt
Maxwell.
391
00:19:25,216 --> 00:19:27,200
And don't think I won't
be
shakin' a few chains
392
00:19:27,233 --> 00:19:27,450
in the butler's pantry.
393
00:19:28,400 --> 00:19:30,350
Stop it!
394
00:19:30,383 --> 00:19:32,216
You're scaring me.
395
00:19:32,250 --> 00:19:35,233
Oh, who cares?
Nanny Fine, face
it.
396
00:19:35,266 --> 00:19:36,483
Get out of this
house
while you can,
397
00:19:37,160 --> 00:19:38,166
or you're gonna end
up
just like me.
398
00:19:38,200 --> 00:19:39,660
[SCREAMS]
No!
399
00:19:42,116 --> 00:19:44,233
Oh, there you are. We've
been
looking all--
400
00:19:44,266 --> 00:19:47,100
Stand back! Stay away from us,
you destroyer of girls' lives.
401
00:19:47,133 --> 00:19:48,233
What?
402
00:19:48,266 --> 00:19:49,166
Go, tell him, sister.
403
00:19:51,283 --> 00:19:52,200
Maxwell, thank God.
404
00:19:54,233 --> 00:19:56,366
She never shuts up.
405
00:19:56,400 --> 00:19:57,483
She's been saying the most
terrible things about you.
406
00:20:00,160 --> 00:20:01,466
Ladies, ladies,
calm down.
407
00:20:02,160 --> 00:20:03,400
Come on, let's go upstairs
where we can talk about this.
408
00:20:03,433 --> 00:20:06,330
You're obviously very shaken
after your orde...
409
00:20:06,660 --> 00:20:07,316
C.C., have you done
something with your hair?
410
00:20:10,300 --> 00:20:12,216
Oh, Miss Babcock.
- What?
411
00:20:12,250 --> 00:20:13,660
You left your purse.
- Ooh.
412
00:20:23,330 --> 00:20:25,216
Darling, this was
the best party
ever.
413
00:20:25,250 --> 00:20:27,200
Oh, thanks, Mom.
414
00:20:27,233 --> 00:20:28,433
You know, next year,
I think
415
00:20:28,466 --> 00:20:30,466
we should invest in
a new "Happy Fiftieth" banner.
416
00:20:31,000 --> 00:20:32,283
This one says "Vote Dukakis"
on the back.
417
00:20:34,100 --> 00:20:35,366
[BOTH LAUGH]
418
00:20:38,400 --> 00:20:39,433
Good night.
419
00:20:39,466 --> 00:20:41,133
Good night.
420
00:20:41,166 --> 00:20:43,466
So, Niles,
did you letit
out?
421
00:20:44,000 --> 00:20:45,266
Yes. And the villagers
were not happy.
422
00:20:48,316 --> 00:20:49,466
Meanwhile, where haveyou
for the last hour?
423
00:20:52,233 --> 00:20:55,200
[LAUGHS]
424
00:20:55,233 --> 00:20:57,160
So you met my cousin Sophie.
Nice, huh?
425
00:20:58,333 --> 00:21:01,150
Yowza.
[GIGGLES]
426
00:21:01,183 --> 00:21:02,433
[CAR HORN HONKS]
427
00:21:02,466 --> 00:21:03,416
Oh, come on,
Yetta.
Daddy's honking.
428
00:21:05,300 --> 00:21:07,383
Thank you
for a lovely evening.
429
00:21:07,416 --> 00:21:10,483
And if you find a nice
diamond cocktail ring,
430
00:21:11,160 --> 00:21:13,316
you could send it
to me at the home.
431
00:21:13,350 --> 00:21:16,233
Yetta, you don't have
a diamond cocktail ring.
432
00:21:16,266 --> 00:21:17,450
I'm just
saying...
if you find
one.
433
00:21:21,283 --> 00:21:22,366
[MAXWELL CLEARS THROAT]
434
00:21:22,400 --> 00:21:23,450
Some night, huh?
[CHUCKLES]
435
00:21:23,483 --> 00:21:26,160
What?
436
00:21:26,500 --> 00:21:27,366
Well, I just can't help
thinking about
437
00:21:27,400 --> 00:21:30,500
you and Miss Babcock
being stuck together.
438
00:21:30,830 --> 00:21:32,166
I mean, what on earth
did you find to talk about?
439
00:21:32,200 --> 00:21:35,183
Oh, you know,
this and that.
440
00:21:35,216 --> 00:21:36,116
Your hair came up.
441
00:21:38,283 --> 00:21:40,166
Really?
- Yeah, she don't like it.
442
00:21:40,200 --> 00:21:41,266
She thinks you
look
like Pepé Le Pew.
443
00:21:45,466 --> 00:21:48,216
Miss Fine, can I tell you
something in confidence?
444
00:21:48,250 --> 00:21:50,166
It's, uh--
It's about Miss Babcock.
445
00:21:50,200 --> 00:21:52,383
I'm all ears.
446
00:21:52,416 --> 00:21:56,350
Well, I-- I rather think
she has a thing for me.
447
00:21:56,383 --> 00:21:58,250
Get outta town.
448
00:22:01,300 --> 00:22:04,330
Well, since we're
exchanging
confidences,
449
00:22:04,660 --> 00:22:08,166
she did mention
that close encounter on
Fiji.
450
00:22:08,200 --> 00:22:10,200
Oh, I remember that.
451
00:22:10,233 --> 00:22:12,416
Cocktails in the bar?
452
00:22:12,450 --> 00:22:16,500
No. Quinine
at the British consulate.
453
00:22:16,830 --> 00:22:17,233
I was taken deathly ill.
They rushed me to hospital.
454
00:22:17,266 --> 00:22:19,283
I was delirious for days.
455
00:22:19,316 --> 00:22:22,316
Well, apparently delirium
ran rampant on that trip.
456
00:22:25,660 --> 00:22:27,433
Beg your pardon?
- Oh, nothing.
457
00:22:27,466 --> 00:22:29,216
I'm just sorry that
you had to miss your
weekend
458
00:22:29,250 --> 00:22:31,150
at Gene Shalit's.
459
00:22:31,183 --> 00:22:34,183
Actually, I felt like
I was there.
460
00:22:34,216 --> 00:22:36,000
Your Aunt Ida bears
a striking resemblance to him.
461
00:22:38,250 --> 00:22:40,250
You know, I told her,
462
00:22:40,283 --> 00:22:44,216
if she's gonna dye her
hair,
do the mustache too.
463
00:22:45,450 --> 00:22:53,133
[THEME MUSIC PLAYS]
464
00:22:56,350 --> 00:22:59,433
That's 75 for
you
and 185 for me.
465
00:23:02,283 --> 00:23:04,450
Hey, you said fifty-fifty.
That's not fair.
466
00:23:04,483 --> 00:23:06,300
Let's talk fair.
467
00:23:06,333 --> 00:23:08,200
You live in a mansion.
468
00:23:08,233 --> 00:23:10,350
I live in a home.
469
00:23:10,383 --> 00:23:12,200
You got your whole
life
ahead of you.
470
00:23:12,233 --> 00:23:14,266
I got one, two weeks tops.
471
00:23:17,160 --> 00:23:18,416
You can eat corn.
472
00:23:18,450 --> 00:23:20,383
Here, let me show you something.
473
00:23:20,416 --> 00:23:22,000
Oh, take it.
Take it all.
33638
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