All language subtitles for Moonlighting - S03E07 Atomic Shakespeare

-Mom, what are you doing?
-You have homework to do.

-But it's Moonlighting.
-Moonlighting?

Yeah, you know, the show about the
two detectives. A man and woman.

They argue a lot, and all they
wanna do is sleep together?

-Yeah.
-Sounds like trash to me.

-But, Mom....
-Watching TV isn't gonna help you...

...on your Shakespeare test tomorrow.
You have reading to do. Let's go.

-But, Mom.
-No arguments.

What a drag.

Good morrow, sir.

l'm Lucentio,
come hither for to see fair Padua...

...pleasant garden of great ltaly.
To seek out and happily begin...

...a course of learning
and studies herein.

You've mistaken me, sir,
for someone who careth. Come.

l am Lucentio...

...and am steadfast resolved to
suck the sweets of sweet philosoph--

l must away, as l am off to floss.

l am Lucentio...

...new arrived from distant lands.
ln search of--

Think it's my fault
l get stuck with all the exposition?

Sweet Bianca.

-Fair Bianca.
-Please, good lady.

But, soft!

What light
through yonder window breaks?

Gentlemen, enough, enough.

Gentlemen, importune me no farther.

For now l firmly am resolved...

...not to bestow
my youngest daughter...

...before l have a husband
for the elder.

As l have told those before you...

...though Bianca be the cherished,
'tis Katherina must marry first.

Only hence, only hence...

...will Bianca's lovely hand
be made available.

Be mindful,
l am the wealthiest man in Padua...

...and he who weds Katherina
lands a dowry you could cry for.

-Any takers?
-No way, Jose.

-Go back to the hall.
-No way.

What are you, nuts?

What?

School and studies may one day
bring home the bacon...

...but no profit grows
where is no pleasure taken.

Only stands twixt me and Bianca
one simple act of fate.

Simple, l say. For how hard could it be
to find Katherina a mate?

Run, heathen, run, and know
what awaits you should you stop it.

As your mouth runneth off,
so must your feet run off...

...and from a poor,
defenseless woman no less.

lf defenseless be apt,
then what against?

An army perhaps,
or a lion incensed.

You speak of animals.
Yet all three of you be rats.

And three blind rats you're not,
as clearly you came to gawk at me.

We only just arrived
to woo and bewitch...

...having not advance knowledge
that you be such a--

Enough!

Had the rats tails, though likely
they be thrust between their legs...

...l'd be moved to slice them up.

But l'll leave with less fare
and give you this.

Sir. These that find a pawn,
then let these words be said:

There's nothing so poetic...

...as a well-placed
smack upside the head.

Men.

Father!

ls it your will, sir,
to make a stale of me...

...amongst these mates?
A trinket to be auctioned off...

...to he who bids the highest?

l know wherefore these men came.
From you in order to marry me...

...and clear the path
for your little angel.

Well, Father,
never will man sent by you...

...walk in and walk out
with my affections.

Sister, everyone knowest
thou art jealous of me.

l mean...

...far be it from me to rush you...

...as only you will know
when you've found the right man.

Sister, Father, Padua...

...goest thou to hell!

A problem, no doubt,
and one in need of solution bold...

...for love does of a sudden
take such hold.

The task, alas, to find a mate
to weather Kate's typhoon.

But where?

For such a man doth come along
but once in a blue moon.

What's shaking, y'all?

Fill her up, lad.
Clean the bugs out of her teeth.

To be, or not to be:
That is the question.

Wrong play.

Now is the winter of our discontent
Made glorious--

Wrong play.

Friends, Romans, countrymen,
lend me your ears--

Wrong play!

Verona, for a while
l take my leave...

...to see my friends in Padua.

And what a fortuitous gale it is
that blows me here.

Such wind as scatters young men
through the world...

...to seek their fortunes
farther than at home...

...where small experience grows.

Thus it stands with me:
That l thrust myself into this maze.

Crowns in my purse l have,
goods at home...

...and so am come to see the world.

Didn't think l could pull it off,
did you?

Zounds, what mounds!

Come here, wife.

Gadzooks.

ls there a fellow in all the land
more hale and hearty than this?

And now on to matters
of greater import...

...and to the reason
for my visit to this fair city.

To wit, a major plot-point cometh.

l come to wive it wealthily
in Padua...

...and if wealthily, then happily.

And, if she hath no diseases,
then healthily in Padua.

Good sir, stay.

Such unusual fortune
that we meet here and now...

...and in such similar straits.

A moment ago,
what was it thou sayest?

-And now on to matters of great--
-No, no, no. After that.

Didst l hear:
''l come to wive it wealthily in Padua''?

Pray, sir. Yea, sir.
l daresay l did say.

-Yea, sir? You do say you did say?
-Yea, l say. But why do you bray?

Dot not gainsay what l say
that we may make headway.

l foray this way
that l may be home ere midday.

Hooray for this day
and the words that you say.

And forgive my display,
but l have something to say.

Then without further delay
l say, fire away.

lf l were to tell thee
that there lives in Padua...

...such a woman
as suits your needs--

She be very wealthy,
and in dire need of a suitor.

--wouldst thou be interested?
-Wouldst?

Does bears beareth?
Doth bees beeth?

-Sayeth what?
-Hell, yes!

Then off to a tavern,
l've a story for thee.

For a tankard of ale,
l'll let you tell three.

l left my wallet in my other pantaloons.
You think you can spot me 5 bucks?

Pray, sir, have you not
a daughter called Katherina?

Fair, and virtuous,
modest and mild.

l have a daughter called Katherina.

l am a gentleman of Verona, sir,
and l come to--

Upstairs. First door on your right.

Obviously a quick judge
of character.

Good sir, before l woo
and most certainly wed...

-...should we not a dowry discuss?
-A dowry discuss, we should.

Are you a man
who liveth to see tomorrow?

A man who liveth
to seeth tomorrow am l...

...though sayest in my task,
doomed be me.

Signor Baptista,
know you not who my master is?

His name be Petruchio,
who did yesterday...

...before the whole town
dispatch by himself:

A pig on a stick, a keg of beer,
two gentlemen...

...and four
Oriental kung-fu masters.

-That be you?
-Well, l hateth to brag--

-Son!
-Well, for the right price.

''Your own Winnebago,
a chance to direct...

-...a piece of the syndication--''
-Wrong scroll.

Twenty thousand crowns?

-Goest thou to hell!
-Sold!

Godspeed. You'll need it.

Oh, happy day.

l'm off to win the fair Bianca.

Go then, my friend,
till we meet again...

...somewhere in the fourth act.

Say that she shriek,
why then l'll tell her plain...

...she sings as sweetly
as the nightingale.

Say that she sneer...

...why then l'll say
she looks as clear...

...as morning roses
newly washed with the dew.

And failing that,
always am l the man.

And as the man,
and a man's man at that...

...must l man
the proper place of a man...

...over woman, that is.

For l am what l am
and that's all that l am...

...and the man, is the man,
is the man.

lf you're a man,
you gotta love the 1 6th century.

-May l come in?
-You may...

...if it matters not to you
what cometh of your head.

lt matters not, as being here
proves l've lost it already.

And it matters not as well...

...as a man without a head
is merely redundant.

Good lady, allow me to enter.

l merely come
to tune your instrument.

My instrument is already tuned.

As is mine and ready to play.

Then off with you to play a solo,
as you won't be coming in.

Here's Petruchio!

Good morrow, Kate,
for that is your name, l hear.

l am called Katherina
by those who dare to speak to me.

Nay, you'll always be Kate to me.
Plain Kate and bonny Kate...

...and sometimes, Kate the curst.
But Kate.

The prettiest Kate.
My super-dainty Kate.

What purpose bringeth you?

Who are you?
Certainly not a singer.

Nor the piano tuner
you claimeth to be.

You see through me, Kate.
No tuner, l.

Though l wish it were amongst
my talents to play piano for you.

'Tis a sad state indeed.

You're the only man l know
who suffereth from pianist envy.

Perhaps you'll listen to this:

Get out now while you still have that
which you hold dear.

Have you not guessed?
'Tis you l wish to hold dear.

Hearing thy virtues spoke of--
Thy beauty...

...thy mildness praised.
--myself am moved to...

-...woo thee for my wife.
-Your wife?

Thou catchest on quickly.

Then let me answereth
quickly as well:

Whatever moved you thus...

...let it remove you now
out of this room...

...like so much overstuffed furniture.

As 'tis widely said,
this is widely writ:

lf l be furniture,
then you'll always have a place to sit.

-Let go. Unhand me!
-l'll try, but l don't think they'll come off.

Your struggle is in vain, my lady.

As man is now, and shall ever be,
dominant over woman.

And l, being
a prime specimen of manhood...

...am therefore
clearly dominant over you.

Go soaketh your head.
lt swells beyond measure.

Aye, and proudly.

'Tis my will to marry you, my lady.

-And where there's a will--
-There thy go.

l warned you, sir. And now
you're in for the thrashing of your life.

This is getting interesting.

Tallyho.

You buzz around like an angry bee.
Better, as l look at you, a wasp.

lf l be waspish,
best beware my sting.

-My aim is to pluck it out.
-Aye, if the fool could find it.

Who knows not where a wasp
wears her sting? ln her tail.

Now.

-Your dagger.
-Good lady, thou art mistaken.

A gentleman never unsheathes
his dagger before he is married.

-Fool.
-Kate, know thee now.

Thou must be married
to no other man but me.

Give them what they want.
Kiss me, Kate...

-...and we will wed on Sunday.
-No, we will not.

Not now. Not this Sunday.
Not next Sunday.

Not any Sunday from now
until the end of time.

Congratulations, they must be
very happy together. Congratulations.

lt's a fine match. Fine match.
Congratulations.

-Okay, Colm.
-Yes, thank you.

Yes, thank you.
Thank you for coming.

-Hello, hello, yeah.
-Many years of happiness.

Yes, we did it. We did it.

-ls my sister here yet?
-She waits anxiously inside.

Sanctuary.

How much money did l pay?

One, two, three.

How dare he?

What causeth a man to be so late
to his own wedding?

Hey!

What took thee?

The wedding was to start
three hours ago.

The lights were against me.

But where be that
blushing bride of mine?

The moment of truth.
lt's love. lt's magic. Yes.

How now? Can it be?

ls this vision mine eyes witness
truly my beloved?

How well she doth look in bondage.

Pardon, sweet? What was it
that thou sayest, my sweet?

l'll watch you hang in hellfire--

'Twas bargain'd twixt us
that she still seem curst in company...

...but when we be alone,
she be a veritable puss in my lap.

Padre, l can wait no longer.

Petruchio of Verona,
taketh you this woman, Katherina...

...to be your lawful wedded wife
from this day forward...

...for better or for worse,
in sickness and in health...

...and forsaking all others,
keepeth her till death doth you part?

l doth.

Katherina of Padua...

...taketh you this man...

...et cetera, et cetera,
until death doth you part?

l doth.

l now pronounceth you
man and wife.

You may now kiss the bride.

No!

A little honeymoon music, Satchmo.
One, two, three.

One more time!

You think that was fun?
Wait till l get you home.

Ta-da.

l welcome thee to my humble digs.

This be the cleaning woman's
century off.

But small matter
how a home looketh...

...if it be filled with love.

And speaking of which:

The master bedroom.

'Tis true, our courtship
hath been a tad brief.

But now that we be
husband and wife...

...l sayest we waste no time...

...in getting used to acting
like husband and wife.

-l agree with thee.
-Thou dost?

l dost.
And get thee used to this:

l havest a headache,
and if that be the master bedroom...

-...then l shall sleep there.
-ln there?

Be l not the man and you the woman?
Be this not the time that men are men...

-...and women are property?
-Property you call me?

But tryest to plow this acre
and thy blade may get broken.

l shall be the master
of what is mine own.

And thou art my goods,
my chattel, my stuff...

...my house, my toothbrush,
my golf shoes--

l'll be no man's stuff.
ln fact, stuff your stuff.

For this is one thing
you will never own.

We'll see about that,
starting this day.

Then already thou seest wrong...

...for 'tis plain to any fool
that it be night and not day.

Day it is
if thy husband says it be so.

Perhaps to a wife blinded by love,
but mine eyes see clear.

Love or no, l be thy liege and thy lord
that bringeth home the bacon...

...and provideth thee
with a roof over thy thick skull.

And for that, by the gods,
if l say the moon be the sun...

...then to you, goodwife,
it shall be so.

Goodwife l am in name only,
good husband.

And thus it is the moon and
'tis the moon no matter what thee said.

-'Tis the sun or no sleep for thee.
-'Tis the moon and to bed l'm away.

-The sun.
-The moon.

-The sun.
-The moon.

l hope they like jokes on the moon.
That's where you're going.

l will not stand for this.

-You will not?
-l will be king in my castle.

-King, king, king.
-Some king.

-No vassal to command.
-l can have my way with thee.

-lnstead l teach thee a lesson.
-Moon l choose to see.

-There l choose to sleepeth.
-You will sleep in there...

...without me until l say otherwise.

-Understandeth? Fine.
-Understandeth? Fine.

Methinks 'twas something
familiar about that.

This turn of events
be passing intolerable.

Am l not the master?

ls she not the mistress in this,
her master's house?

By God,
l must teach that wench a lesson...

...or this be a dark day indeed
for thy entire gender.

And teach her a lesson l will.

Am l not man?

Hear me roar
in numbers too big to ignore.

Take no prisoners.

Fair Kate...

...don't makest me do this.

lf thy husband tells thee
the moon is the sun...

...then tell him 'tis the sun.

'Tis the moon.

And thus it went.

But as a wild horse be broken
through mix of love and persistence...

...so a shrew be tamed.

Rather than beat her
into submission...

...Petruchio did decide instead
to kill her with kindness.

Initial efforts were met with...

...well, a small bit of resistance.

But undaunted,
Petruchio did persist.

And persist.

And persist.

And finally did Petruchio succeed.

Slowly won over by his ways...

...Kate began her shift
from house afire to housewife.

And truth be known,
she couldn't be blamed.

For who could resist
a loving husband...

...such as Petruchio had become?

The meal was to your liking?

Aye, and thou?

Didst thou enjoy
thy low-cal, diet gruel?

Well, one does what one can
to keep thy girlish figure.

Aye, 'tis said across the land
by men worldly wise:

''What value be a woman
with cellulite on her thighs?''

When men be displeased
with fat legs and fat hips...

...most of them would look better
if be given fat lips.

-Pardon, dear wife?
-l said, ''Have another sip.''

Aye.

Husband, dost thy truly believe
that a happy marriage...

...lies in a woman who remains pretty
and in her place?

lt'll do in a pinch.
Thou needest not be concerned...

...as thy are both pretty
and in thy place as we speak.

'Tis your notion of a compliment,
l know, but, husband--

Did you hear the news today?

Forty teenagers arrested
at the Bach concert.

-Husband!
-'Tis said if thou playest...

...his Second Concerto backwards
thou hearest the voice of Satan.

Good husband,
how are we married?

-How are we married?
-Are we married merrily?

Yea, verily, we are married merrily.

Though at first warily
and unfortunately quite sterilely.

Nothing like a night at home
rhyming with the old ball and chain.

Husband, l believe
in our marriage as well.

But know thee this:

You captured me not
by dragging me to thy house...

...but by treating me with kindness
once l was here.

l saw thee try and thus l tried also.

l have changed
as a result of your kindness.

Now l would ask that you change
as a result of mine.

Change?
But didst thou not sayeth...

...l do all the things
for you a wife could want?

All, save one.

All, save respecting me.

-Respecting thee?
-Respecting me.

l ask that you hold me
in higher esteem.

Both as thy wife and as thy partner.

ln short, l ask that you retreateth
from your role as chauvinist.

And for my part,
should that respect begineth tonight...

...l shall share the same room
as my mate.

-Good morning.
-Good morning.

-Sleep well?
-Like a babe.

Only waking occasionally,
wanting to be fed.

Myself, l lay awake all night happily.

And thinking also, wondering...

...Petruchio, why me?
What moved thee to woo me?

Thy life.

Thy spirit.

We are kindred souls, Kate.
As mountains to wind.

Each of us moves not
though the other blow perpetually.

More to the point...

...l saw me in thee.

Husband, for all
thy boorishness and bluster...

...thou art a good man.

And for all thy shrillness
and shrewishness...

...thou art
quite a remarkable woman.

l shall dispatch them
with all due haste.

Good morrow, Petruchio.
l come with news from Padua.

Well, then spit it out posthaste.
l'm about to make news here.

On Sunday next,
Bianca, sister to Katherina...

...will marry Lucentio.

Thee and thy wife hath, of course,
been invited to attend.

Good tidings indeed.

Go and assure the bride's father
that we will journey back happily.

Truth be told, most are aware...

...thou win thy money...

...if Kate be not only still married,
but tamed by Bianca's wedding day.

More will attend for those results
than for the wedding itself.

Fret thee not, for all things here
seem to be well in hand.

And thus, a week later...

...their way to Bianca's wedding
did Petruchio and Katherina make.

Forsooth, husband,
why thinkest they stare at us so?

They be merely unaccustomed
to seeing a couple so happily mated.

We are happily mated, are we not?

Good husband, needst thou
even ask that question?

Nay, nay. But now that we
are in front of the town...

...if someone were to ask....

Gladly would l express
my feelings to all.

'Tis plain the whole town knoweth of
the deal twixt Petruchio and myself...

...and have come to see
if he'll collect his due.

And if the whole town knoweth,
then 'tis possible that Kate knoweth.

lf Kate knoweth
that the whole town knoweth...

...and knoweth we knoweth
that she knoweth...

-...knowest what that means?
-Noeth.

Either she be tamed
but will still learn of this...

...or she be not tamed
and it doesn't matter.

Either way, 'tis no place for me.

Havest a nice honeymoon.

Father?

Greetings, Petruchio.

Daughter?

How truly good
it is to see thee, Father.

How truly good
it is to see thee, daughter.

So away with us all.
We've a wedding to attend.

l liketh a band
that playeth the oldies.

And one thing more:
Never a borrower nor a lender be.

Unless, of course, thou can compound
interest annually at eight percent.

Greetings, gentlemen.

May l sayest, brother Lucentio...

...'tis a pleasure to be welcomed
unto such a family with open arms...

...open heart and, of course,
open purse strings.

Yes, well, though the change in Kate
looks to be a miracle...

...the day still be young
and my purse, for now, still be closed.

Have it thy way, good Father.

As the unfolding of the day
shall proveth my success.

Thy wild Kate hath been declawed.

So, Lucentio, art thou ready
to rule thy roost tonight?

-Well....
-Thou be worried...

...about thy honeymoon night?
Fear it not, friend.

For thy manly instincts shall kick in
when need doth arise.

To be certain,
man be lord of his house.

And being such, need only
command that his needs be met.

'Tis her duty to please thee.

Truly, and that be
how it worketh with thee?

My man, if l'm lying, l'm dying.

What?

Be thou certain?

lnteresting news indeed, Petruchio.

Word hath come that Kate
merely pretended to be tamed.

That she be talking of equality,
of thy marriage being fifty-fifty.

Fifty-fifty?

The woman be quite a little kidder.

Though l wish only the best for thee,
there be in my mind a question now:

Who hath in fact been tamed?

Kate or thee?

l assure you, sir,
'tis she alone has been tamed.

Then perhaps thou could prove it...

...by calling her out forthwith
and showing us thy manly command.

l don't wanna interrupt their girl talk.

We haveth an arrangement.

lf she be not tamed,
'tis my right to know.

He has a point there.

Enough!

lf thou needest proof
of the taming of Kate...

...then proof it shall be.
Fetch me my wife.

Stay tuned at thine own risk.

As such confrontations be
the stuff nightmares are made of.

-Calleth, husband?
-Aye, and with a purpose.

'Tis a duty thou must perform.

You have but to ask, dear husband,
and l'll do my best to please thee.

That thou will.

For thy husband is thy lord.

Thy life.

Thy keeper.

And as thou art bound
to serve and obey...

...thou art bound to agree...

...whatever he sayest
be true above all else.

Kate...

...l say 'tis the moon
that shines so bright.

And as my wife,
wouldst thou not agree...

...'tis indeed?

That's it. She's going to blow.

Husband, l believest
thou art mistaken.

And if thou takest another look...

...l'm quite sure
thy error will be clear.

'Tis the sun and not the moon
that shines so bright.

The sun, you say?

lf that be your final answer
l have but one choice.

To look again.

Why, as l live and breathe...

...'twas indeed a mistake.

My wife hath called it.

'Tis the sun
and not the moon at all.

l was wrong.

And hath learned it from a woman.

One with much to teach.

Thou are witness to a revelation.

For myself, too long in coming.

And it concerneth the beauty
of holding thy mate at thy side...

...rather than under thy thumb.

For those with bodies
soft and tender...

...hath soft and tender
hearts as well.

And all their gifts
be so much more...

...when allowed to be given freely.

lf this be offensive to men,
then so be it.

For perhaps the time
has come for offense.

l have struck a deal with thy father...

...that l might receive thy dowry
if, and only if, l tamed thee.

l now renounce this deal.

And wish for no other reward
other than thy affection...

...and thy company
for as long as thee shall live.

lf truth be told,
a mistake was made by all.

By the town...

...by her family...

...and by me.

For Kate never needed to be tamed.

She merely needed to be loved.

Kiss me, Petruchio.

So it was.

We endeth here
this chapter of Petruchio and Kate.

From here they lived life
long and full...

...the world their only parameter.

And as they went
'twas with a single complaint:

-We hate iambic pentameter.
-We hate iambic pentameter.

-ls Moonlighting still on?
-No, just ended.

That's okay.
Wasn't very good tonight anyway.