All language subtitles for Two Broke Girls S06 E19_EN

More lemonade, sir?

Full disclosure, it's a pitcher of water
we can't get the lemon taste out of.

Sir?

Max, either this guy's pretending
to be dead...

...to get out of paying the check
or Oleg's chili has killed again.

This is my Earl mirror.

I use it during naps
to make sure he's still breathing.

And 80 percent of the time he is.

Han, there's a dead body at table three,

the saddest place to die
other than table two.

Oleg, get out here!

Someone's deader than Max's emotions.

I really should throw away that chili.

Let's prop him up outside
with a Salvation Army bucket.

Whatever he collects,
we split in the morning.

Uh, count me out.

If they catch the five of us
with a dead body,

you know they're gonna blame
the black guy.

Okay, everyone grab a limb and lift.

How's everything tasting?

Max, you're not gonna believe it.

Bobby's in the shower!

That's how much he likes me,
he's using our shower.

He makes me so happy.

Yeah, I heard.

It sounded like someone
was trying to connect...

...with a dial-up modem out here.

Sorry.

That's just what I sound like
when I go online.

But really, he makes me feel like that
all the time.

He's perfect. We're perfect.

Caroline, you shouldn't get
too carried away.

Nothing is perfect.

Except that game I pitched
for the Yankees.

Actually, it is perfect.
We're amazing together,

and I really don't want to hear
from Negative Nancy.

What the... Who's Negative Nancy?

Everyone knows I go
by "Negative Juggs McGee."

I'm just saying
you don't know him that well yet.

I know what this is about,
and it's not me and Bobby.

You're worried I'm gonna get hurt...

...because of what happened
between you and Randy.

It's not about that.

I just know guys,
and you haven't been in a relationship...

...since Ben was the best Affleck.

Hey there.

It's amazing,
I'm somehow less clean now...

...than when I went in.

I gotta get going, babe.
I'll meet you at the dessert bar.

We're having lunch
with his mom and his sister.

I'm almost part of the family now.

Well, if you were part of the family
you'd be addicted to Diet Pepsi...

...and get into mall fights
on Black Friday.

Then I might be a cousin.

Oh, you know what? I'll walk you out.

If Homeless Larry tries to grab you,

-I can fend him off.
-Yeah.

Oh, careful, he's got barbecue tongs now.

Look at those two.

That PDA is making me want
to M-A-S-T-U...

Ah, I would stop you,

but I doubt you know what comes after U.

Usually me.

What do you guys want?

Well, we're looking
for some entertainment.

Oleg and I have binge-watched everything.

You know, we even watched
the Santa Clarita Diet.

Now that's one diet
I'm not gonna stick to.

Oh, Bobby must have left his phone here.

-Oh, crap.
-What's wrong?

It's a text from Bobby's ex, Jessica.

It says, "Call me about baby."

Do Bobby and Jessica have a baby?

Are they going to have one?

And why does Bobby
have a rose gold iPhone?

Maybe he got it
with his yearly mammogram.

I knew this relationship was too good
to be true.

Looks like I'm not Negative Nancy,
more like Reality Check Rita.

Then why the hell
have I been calling you Max?

Oh, just a heads-up,

Bobby's family is on its way over,

so any X-rated puppeteering
you have to do,

now is the time.

Speaking of Bobby and people he knows,

uh, does he still talk
to what's-her-name, Jessica?

No. She is long gone,
like my bangs or democracy.

Bobby never brings her up.

We just talk about our common interests,
like how much we like my hair...

...or how pretty I am.

Yeah, but circling back to other people,
which is very hard with you,

Jessica, do they talk? Text?

Share custody?

Max, why are you asking about her?

Jessica is his ex-girlfriend.

All Bobby's ever said about her
is that she's a wedding planner...

...and she's out of his life.

I know that's hard for you to believe,
like the moon landing.

Hey!

You never see their faces.

They brought back no cheese. Just saying.

Now, please, just drop it.

-Fine-ah!
-Fine-ah.

Oh, hi, Denise.

Where's your mom and Bobby?

Oh, we don't ride the subway together
in case there's a crash.

Somebody's gotta be around
for Black Friday.

Well, now that Bobby's sister is here,
I don't wanna mess up your perfect brunch.

I'm going to the diner,

where the only perfect thing
is the owl-to-rat ratio.

So you own this place?

Man, I'd love to be my own boss.

Mine treats me like garbage.

If I want to get freaky
with the UPS guy on my break,

that's my time.

So what is it you do, besides the UPS guy?

I work the counter at the Mail Boxes
and Other Things.

It's like Mail Boxes Etcetera,
but we have other things.

I know it sounds cool,
but my boss is always on me.

Well, maybe you should talk to your boss.

You know, tell him how you feel,
stand up for yourself.

I'm not great with confrontation,

partially because I had bad
depth perception.

Like, I have no idea
how far away you are right now.

I'm right here.

On second base.

Well, I think you're great,

and not inappropriate at all.

And if your boss can't see that,
well, maybe you should quit.

So the gentleman who looked
like Abraham Lincoln,

was that a hipster or an Orthodox Jew?

Either way, I don't understand
why you gave him a dollar.

Mom, I quit!

Wait, your mom is your boss?

Is it the UPS man?

He's your godfather. It's untoward.

Where's this coming from?

From my new best friend
and women-in-business mentor,

Caroline.

You told my daughter
to quit working for me?

I'm sure she meant a different Caroline.

I don't know. Everything got blurry
after she touched my boobs.

Han, I'm about to say
what you said to me...

...when you were trying to get
into an R-rated movie.

I need your help.

I told you three times,
I don't fit up drain pipes.

Listen, I just saw this text
on Bobby's phone...

...from his ex-girlfriend, Jessica.

I think they might have
a secret baby together.

Wow, that would really devastate Caroline.

More importantly,
Bobby and I are rose gold buddies.

I just have to make sure
before I say anything to panic Caroline.

I need to do some detective work,

so you and I are gonna go down
to Jessica's wedding planning business...

...and pretend we're a couple.

Obviously, I'll be the groom.

Max, this might come as a surprise to you,
but I'm a very busy man.

I don't have time
for your sophomoric high jinks.

Uh, that's what they said to Adam Sandler,
and it only made him richer.

I'm flattered I was your first choice.

Man, she asked me five people ago.

I think she was down to you or a broom,

and the broom was busy.

If I'm doing this,
we have to use our best acting skills,

because who's gonna believe
you landed me?

Ugh, really wish Steve the Broom
didn't have Pilates at 4:00.

I'm so sorry, Mrs Ferraro.

I had no idea you were the awful boss
that was making her life miserable.

Bobby, why didn't you tell me
your mom owns a Mail Boxes...

...and other Things?

I didn't want you to date me
for the unlimited bubble wrap.

Denise can't cope out in the world.

You know how many times she's touched
our neighbor's electric fence.

To be fair, they installed it to keep her
from falling in their pool.

Well, you did this. You take care of it.

She's your responsibility now.

Bobby, bring home some deserts for me.

From Dunkin'!

Bobby, I am so sorry.

I don't want our first fight
to be over a misunderstanding.

I want it to be about something important,
like if you want a soul patch.

We're not fighting. This is a bump.

I think you're overreacting.

Then why are you yelling?

I'm not yelling.

Man, what's with all the yelling?

Oh, Oleg, let's see where this goes.

It's already better than everything
on Amazon.

Just with it was a little
bit more "Game of Thrones-y."

And by that,
I mean a little more topless.

And by that I mean, oh, oh, Bobby.

Caroline, we're not fighting.

But please, don't get in the middle
of my ma and Denise again.

My aunt tried once.
Now she's really scared of ceiling fans.

I gotta go. I still can't find my phone.

Oleg, this is our new show.

Grab the popcorn from my purse.

You want cheddar cheese or kettle corn?

You know I can hear you, right?

Okay, this must be Jessica's office.

Oh, here, better put this on for the bit.

This was smuggled out of North Korea...

...by my great-grandfather
in his great backside.

Oh, the classic tush cut.

Now remember, we're detectives.

We're like Cagney and the only guy
I could get to come with me.

Hi. You must be Max and Han.

I'm Jessica.

Thanks so much for coming in.

Oh, you guys are so super cute.

How does our cuteness compare
to, say, a baby?

Wow, you're thinking ahead.

Or are you expecting a little one?

Ha, I've already got a little one.

What about you?

Making fun of my size
is kind of our thing.

Like, making sweet love.

So I'm with child, are you?

-Actually, I'm...
-So for the wedding,

I was thinking of a nature theme.

Something in the park,
whimsical, of course,

with lanterns and flowers, a big tent.

Oh, oh, really?

You want a big top, Pee-wee?
Jessica was talking.

Sorry, dear.

The old ball and chain hates
when I get a word in.

Sign me up for a lifetime.

Sorry, I missed what you were saying
about having a baby.

We're not here to talk about me.

Let's talk about you and your affair.

Oh, I'm definitely gonna have one.

Thanks for texting, Caroline.

I've been a little lost
since you made me quit my job with Ma.

Mostly because I couldn't find
the L train.

But I saw a guy kill a chicken.

I thought you and I could get together
and figure out your next career move,

which does not necessarily need
to be forward.

I'm not going back to my ma's store...

no matter how much I miss hiding
in boxes and scaring people.

Well, let's brainstorm
on your next career move.

I've always wanted to be a model.

I've been told I look great
with my pants down.

You are more than just a body.

Sometimes I'm not so sure.

Hey, what about working here?

How hard can it be? You do it.

-Actually, this job requires a lot...
-You don't have to talk me into it.

I'll do it.

Give me the Frisbee with the drinks on it.

Okay, I guess you could help out
until Max gets back.

Or until someone gets hurt, probably me.

As magic hour descends over the city,

Max and I will retire
to the honeymoon suite...

...where she carries me
over the threshold.

Excited for what's to come.

Well, it's not gonna be either of us.

So, uh, back to you, Jess.

Ooh, the party favors
could be little compasses...

...that lead you to your table.

Or to a waiting escape boat.

Are you sure
you two are right for each other?

Are you kidding?

I am obsessed with him.

We're two people madly in love.
Right, Max?

Bring those lips over here and...

...don't forget to invite your tongue
to the party.

Oh, I'm sure she can see we're in love...

...without having to put our mouths
on each other.

Please.

She's shy. Once she starts,

it's hard to put the snake
back in the can.

Could you feel the heat
from where you are?

Are you wearing lip gloss?

Listen, I've been down this road before.

With a stroller?

I'm just asking
because that's how I push him around.

This wedding isn't making it
to the banquet hall.

I don't even think
it's making it to the car.

You two should go.

You're moody.

Uh, are you pregnant?

Meh?

Are you sure you want the flantinis?

Little tip, go buy yourself
a tub of Breyers...

...and a bottle of vodka
and save yourself 30 bucks.

Okay, let's go back over this.

The job of a waitress is to get people
to buy things here.

Also you're standing on my feet right now.

Are you sure?
Because I don't feel anything.

Gosh, you know what?
Denise is my favorite character.

I bet you she looks like a million bucks
with her pants down.

You know who looks like 2 million bucks
with her skirt around her ankles?

How? How?

How did I get so lucky?

There she is,

my big shot daughter
who doesn't need me anymore.

And the woman who keeps taking my babies
from me.

I'm getting a drink.

Oh, great, now they're all working here.

Denise called my ma to brag
about her new job at your dessert bar.

Bobby, I know you said
not to get involved,

but I wanted to end our fight.

Also, I think your sister may have broken
my pinky toe.

Oh, that's my fault.

I didn't teach you the stop sign
when she gets too close.

Am I too close?

FYI, Ma, it's going great here.

Well, if things are going so great,

why don't you get your own place...

...and start toasting your own waffles
in the morning?

Maybe I will.

Maybe I'll move in with Caroline,

and she can teach me
how to use her toaster oven.

We actually have a pretty small place,

and our toaster oven is being used
as a tanning bed for mice.

Oleg texted me this show was good.

I just finished "The Walking Dead."

It hit a little too close to home.

Yeah, have a seat.

The crazy mom just showed up.

And the hot sister is yelling at her.

Caroline!

I'm not being negative,
but Bobby's a dirtbag.

I'm 100 percent sure he has, had,

or is going to have a baby with Jessica.

And I'm 100 percent sure I'm gonna have
a cold sore in the morning.

Baby? What's going on?

Bobby, what is going on?

This really is the golden age of TV.

Max, what are you talking about?

I'm talking about the text I saw
on your phone...

...from Jessica about your baby.

-What are you doing with my phone?
-Bobby, do you have a baby with Jessica?

Bobby, you have a baby with Jessica?

That takes the sting out of losing Denise.

A baby? I don't have a... oh.

Oh, wait. I have a cat.

A cat named Baby with Jessica.

So what's happening around here?

Why didn't you just ask me?

Because I was respecting your boundaries,

which is why I stole your phone.

Makes sense.

Her friend here forced my daughter
to abandon the family's business.

Neither one of them
knows about boundaries.

I'm throwing these small glasses away.
They're stupid.

Well, I'm pretty upset myself.

I wasted 20 dollars on the domain name
"MaxAndHansWedding.com."

We're not really getting married!

We only went to see Jessica to find out
if she had a baby with Bobby, you boobie.

You went to see Jessica?

Seems like everyone's in a fight
except for me and Bobby.

Oh, no, we're fighting now.

I saw that text on Bobby's phone,
and I didn't want you getting hurt.

The only person who got hurt was me.

I kissed Han on the lips.

Max, you stalked his ex-girlfriend
without me?

Pretty shady move
by your friend, Caroline.

We may want to think
about finding another roommate.

Okay, that's enough.

Denise, you need to go back
and work for Ma,

and not only because that's the only job
you're capable of doing,

but also because Ma's lost without you.

And, Max, you need to trust
that I'm not like every other dirtbag.

And, Caroline,

when two people love each other,
they're gonna fight.

Are the two people
that love each other us?

Don't get bullied into anything, Bobby.

Of course I'm talking about us.

I love you, Caroline.

I love you, too.

Great.

Two white people falling in love.

You don't ever see that on TV.

You know what, Ma? This place is dumb.

I'll come back and work at Mail Boxes
and Other Things.

You know what?

You're the other thing. Come here.

Oleg, get the butt wipes out of my bag.

This is a real tear-jerker.

My second favorite kind of jerker.

I should get going, too.

I gotta check some text messages.

And why is my screensaver
a shirtless Vin Diesel?

You're welcome.

You know trust is hard for me.

That's why I got kicked out
of Cirque Du Soleil.

You're the first person in my life
I can actually count on.

Be so great if they made out right now.

You were the first person
I could count on, too.

I love you, Max.

Okay, we're not there yet.