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ADULT ADAM:
Of all the indignities of middle school,
2
00:00:01,869 --> 00:00:05,037
nothing was worse than the soul-crushing humiliation
3
00:00:05,039 --> 00:00:07,473
of being forced to swim in gym class.
4
00:00:07,475 --> 00:00:09,975
All right, swimmers,
let's have some fun!
5
00:00:09,977 --> 00:00:14,013
The sickening smell of chlorine, the thick, humid air,
6
00:00:14,015 --> 00:00:15,414
having to be shirtless in front of your class
7
00:00:15,416 --> 00:00:18,050
while you were at your most gawky and awkward.
8
00:00:18,052 --> 00:00:19,351
And it was worse for the girls.
9
00:00:19,353 --> 00:00:20,753
They would have to parade in front of us
10
00:00:20,755 --> 00:00:22,354
at the most self-conscious time in their lives.
11
00:00:22,356 --> 00:00:24,823
Please don't look at me.
Please don't look at me.
Please don't look at me!
12
00:00:24,825 --> 00:00:30,262
Yep, you dreaded it all year until, at last, it was unavoidable.
13
00:00:30,264 --> 00:00:31,263
Or was it?
14
00:00:31,265 --> 00:00:35,401
Goldfarb.
No suit, again, I see.
What is it this time?
15
00:00:35,403 --> 00:00:36,902
I have a contagious butt rash.
16
00:00:36,904 --> 00:00:38,103
ADULT ADAM: I hated swimming so much,
17
00:00:38,105 --> 00:00:40,572
I would try pretty much anything to get out of it.
18
00:00:40,574 --> 00:00:42,474
Swimming is against
my religion.
19
00:00:42,476 --> 00:00:43,409
I'm allergic to water.
20
00:00:43,411 --> 00:00:44,410
I have an irritable bowel.
21
00:00:44,412 --> 00:00:46,645
I got one heck
of a fungus downstairs.
22
00:00:46,647 --> 00:00:48,814
Yep, I had beaten the system.
23
00:00:48,816 --> 00:00:50,349
Adam is failing
gym class.
24
00:00:50,351 --> 00:00:51,250
ADULT ADAM: Or so I thought.
25
00:00:51,252 --> 00:00:53,452
I'd say the failing is yours,
but continue.
26
00:00:53,454 --> 00:00:57,356
Your son comes in every day
with a new excuse
for why he can't swim.
27
00:00:57,358 --> 00:00:58,490
If my schmoop says
he can't swim,
28
00:00:58,492 --> 00:01:01,660
then he must have
a legitimate reason,
and I fully support him.
29
00:01:01,662 --> 00:01:05,097
So, you can vouch for your
son's claim that he can't
get into the pool
30
00:01:05,099 --> 00:01:08,700
because he's a CIA operative
wearing a wire?
31
00:01:08,702 --> 00:01:09,768
That's classified.
32
00:01:09,770 --> 00:01:13,338
I think I can shed some light
on what's going on here.
33
00:01:13,340 --> 00:01:14,373
Wow. Please do.
34
00:01:14,375 --> 00:01:18,310
Your boy is self-conscious
because of his wig.
35
00:01:18,312 --> 00:01:19,745
He doesn't wear a wig.
36
00:01:19,747 --> 00:01:21,046
Well, I'm stumped.
37
00:01:21,048 --> 00:01:22,247
But you better
figure something out,
38
00:01:22,249 --> 00:01:24,883
because an 'F' in gym
means Adam
will never get to be
39
00:01:24,885 --> 00:01:27,686
a physical educator
later in life.
40
00:01:28,589 --> 00:01:28,987
Oh, no.
41
00:01:28,989 --> 00:01:31,290
He'll also have to repeat
the 8th grade.
42
00:01:31,292 --> 00:01:31,890
Oh, no!
43
00:01:31,892 --> 00:01:34,193
Yeah, probably
should've led with that.
44
00:01:35,763 --> 00:01:36,829
♪ I'm twisted up inside
45
00:01:36,831 --> 00:01:41,233
♪ But nonetheless I feel the need to say
46
00:01:43,370 --> 00:01:44,303
♪ I don't know the future
47
00:01:44,305 --> 00:01:48,340
♪ But the past keeps getting clearer every day ♪
48
00:01:48,442 --> 00:01:50,676
ADULT ADAM: It was October 14, 1980-something,
49
00:01:50,678 --> 00:01:53,378
and Erica was doing what she did every day,
50
00:01:53,380 --> 00:01:54,746
hanging with the cool kids.
51
00:01:54,748 --> 00:01:56,882
This one's shiny,
and this one's thermal.
52
00:01:56,884 --> 00:01:57,850
This one's flannel.
(GASPS)
53
00:01:57,852 --> 00:02:00,385
This one's denim.
Ooh, that's super-rare.
54
00:02:00,387 --> 00:02:01,420
Oh, my God.
55
00:02:01,422 --> 00:02:05,991
We are smart,
ambitious women, and we're
talking about scrunchies.
56
00:02:05,993 --> 00:02:08,927
Is this really the best
that we can do in our lives?
57
00:02:08,929 --> 00:02:11,296
Ooh, wait.
I've got something.
58
00:02:11,298 --> 00:02:12,664
No. It's also about
scrunchies.
59
00:02:12,666 --> 00:02:16,401
ADULT ADAM: But lately she had been finding hanging with the cool kids
60
00:02:16,403 --> 00:02:17,469
a little less fulfilling.
61
00:02:17,471 --> 00:02:20,005
Luckily, her search for meaning came to an end
62
00:02:20,007 --> 00:02:22,841
when she saw one iconic video.
63
00:02:22,843 --> 00:02:24,910
We are the world,
an epic song for charity
64
00:02:24,912 --> 00:02:27,779
that brought together all America's biggest music legends.
65
00:02:27,781 --> 00:02:31,550
And for Erica, it was about to give her shallow life meaning.
66
00:02:31,552 --> 00:02:33,986
Look, Kenny Rogers
and Kenny Loggins!
67
00:02:33,988 --> 00:02:36,622
That's the two best Kennys
in one room. Unheard of.
68
00:02:36,624 --> 00:02:41,059
ERICA: You're right.
If they can make
a difference, so can I.
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00:02:43,030 --> 00:02:46,265
This changes everything.
70
00:02:46,267 --> 00:02:47,065
Attention, everyone.
71
00:02:47,067 --> 00:02:51,770
After some careful reflection,
I am devoting myself
to changing the world.
72
00:02:51,772 --> 00:02:53,005
Good for you,
sweetheart.
73
00:02:53,007 --> 00:02:55,340
That's very selfless
and admirable.
74
00:02:55,342 --> 00:02:57,576
Yeah, that's great.
(COUGHING) Poser.
75
00:02:57,578 --> 00:02:58,076
Excuse me?
76
00:02:58,078 --> 00:03:00,312
Oh, I was just
agreeing with Pops.
(COUGHING) Poser.
77
00:03:00,314 --> 00:03:02,247
You take it back
right now.
78
00:03:02,249 --> 00:03:04,449
Poser!
I am not a poser.
79
00:03:04,451 --> 00:03:06,518
P-P-P-Poser,
poser, P-P-Poser.
80
00:03:06,520 --> 00:03:08,287
Stop it. Stop.
(VOCALIZING)
81
00:03:08,289 --> 00:03:09,388
(COUGHS) Poser.
Shut up!
82
00:03:09,390 --> 00:03:12,758
ADULT ADAM: Back then, "poser" was the worst name you could call someone.
83
00:03:12,760 --> 00:03:14,126
It meant you were a fake, a phony,
84
00:03:14,128 --> 00:03:17,696
or wearing the t-shirt of a band you knew nothing about.
(COUGHING)
85
00:03:17,698 --> 00:03:19,298
Poser.
I am not a poser.
86
00:03:19,300 --> 00:03:21,166
Social awareness
is super-important to me.
87
00:03:21,168 --> 00:03:24,136
I even got Principal Ball
to start a social awareness
club at school.
88
00:03:24,138 --> 00:03:27,906
Aw. It's just like when we saw
that We Are The Earth song.
89
00:03:27,908 --> 00:03:30,375
You got inspired
by music? Ha!
90
00:03:30,377 --> 00:03:31,310
I am not a poser, okay?
91
00:03:31,312 --> 00:03:34,746
You're the one
who pretends to be a rapper
and a Kara-Te master.
92
00:03:34,748 --> 00:03:36,114
I don't pretend anything.
93
00:03:36,116 --> 00:03:39,017
At my core,
I'm a break-dancing
samurai ninja
94
00:03:39,019 --> 00:03:41,320
who spits mad rhymes
and dunks mad jams.
95
00:03:41,322 --> 00:03:43,188
That's just a smorgasbord
of absurd things
96
00:03:43,190 --> 00:03:45,290
mashed together
in one ridiculous human.
97
00:03:45,292 --> 00:03:46,325
You want to know
what's ridiculous?
98
00:03:46,327 --> 00:03:51,296
That you think people would
actually care about your dumb
social awareness club,
99
00:03:51,298 --> 00:03:53,365
especially one
started by a poser.
100
00:03:53,367 --> 00:03:53,899
You're a poser!
101
00:03:53,901 --> 00:03:56,268
Copied my insult!
Ergo, you're a poser!
102
00:03:56,270 --> 00:03:57,069
Logic! Barry wins!
103
00:03:57,071 --> 00:03:59,071
You did not!
Erica wins!
104
00:03:59,073 --> 00:04:01,340
No, he won.
You copied him.
105
00:04:01,342 --> 00:04:03,141
It was weak, sweetheart.
106
00:04:03,143 --> 00:04:06,445
Have a slice of pizza
and be happy.
107
00:04:06,447 --> 00:04:09,014
ADULT ADAM: While Barry was tearing down Erica's idea,
108
00:04:09,016 --> 00:04:10,682
my mom was about to try to build me up.
109
00:04:10,684 --> 00:04:14,319
Why don't we try to get the chief in a good mood for a change?
110
00:04:14,321 --> 00:04:17,789
Nell Carter looks like
she gives great hugs.
111
00:04:18,659 --> 00:04:20,025
What's going on with you?
112
00:04:20,027 --> 00:04:21,927
GIRL: (ON TV)
I hate dress...
113
00:04:21,929 --> 00:04:22,728
Hey!
No!
114
00:04:22,730 --> 00:04:24,796
Guess who just had
a meeting with Coach Mellor.
115
00:04:24,798 --> 00:04:27,232
Apparently,
Adam is failing.
116
00:04:27,234 --> 00:04:29,534
I don't get it.
You used to love to swim.
117
00:04:29,536 --> 00:04:31,903
But I figured it out.
Really?
118
00:04:31,905 --> 00:04:33,305
Yeah.
It's your bathing suit.
119
00:04:33,307 --> 00:04:36,608
You're growing fast,
and it's pinching
your little coin purse.
120
00:04:36,610 --> 00:04:38,210
That's why I got you
these jams.
121
00:04:38,212 --> 00:04:41,647
Nice roomy
swim trunks for all
your bits and berries.
122
00:04:41,649 --> 00:04:44,850
Go on.
Model them for mama.
123
00:04:44,852 --> 00:04:45,817
I don't want
to model the jams.
124
00:04:45,819 --> 00:04:47,419
Come on.
They're jams.
I know they're jams.
125
00:04:47,421 --> 00:04:51,223
Well, then show us
how handsome you look
in your new jams.
126
00:04:51,225 --> 00:04:52,057
I don't want the jams.
127
00:04:52,059 --> 00:04:53,025
Come on.
They're jams.
128
00:04:53,027 --> 00:04:54,760
He doesn't want the damn jams!
Leave the boy alone already!
129
00:04:54,762 --> 00:04:58,563
Well, someone has
to address the issue
with his little marbles.
130
00:04:58,565 --> 00:05:01,199
Nobody wants their mom
talking about their yam bag.
131
00:05:01,201 --> 00:05:04,169
My God! The problem
isn't the swimsuit.
132
00:05:04,171 --> 00:05:07,072
It's just...
I hate taking off my shirt.
133
00:05:07,074 --> 00:05:07,606
Why?
134
00:05:07,608 --> 00:05:10,609
I'm ashamed of my body.
Okay?
135
00:05:11,612 --> 00:05:12,511
You're ashamed?
136
00:05:12,513 --> 00:05:15,180
Of this beautiful wall
of deliciousness?
137
00:05:15,182 --> 00:05:17,716
Those words
make it so much worse.
138
00:05:17,718 --> 00:05:18,784
I'm never swimming again.
139
00:05:18,786 --> 00:05:22,020
Even if George Lucas
invited me to a pool party
140
00:05:22,022 --> 00:05:26,224
in the swamps of Dagobah,
I'd still say no.
141
00:05:26,960 --> 00:05:29,461
I mean,
I'd go and check it out.
142
00:05:29,463 --> 00:05:31,897
How many chances do you have
to meet Yoda?
143
00:05:31,899 --> 00:05:33,832
But I would not go
into the pool.
144
00:05:33,834 --> 00:05:35,667
ADULT ADAM: My mom hoped she could save me.
145
00:05:35,669 --> 00:05:37,803
Meanwhile, my sister was saving the world.
146
00:05:37,805 --> 00:05:42,474
What's all this about?
It's the first meeting
of the social awareness club.
147
00:05:42,476 --> 00:05:43,075
Erica's dumb thing?
148
00:05:43,077 --> 00:05:45,444
But it's packed.
And with cool kids.
How's this possible?
149
00:05:45,446 --> 00:05:48,447
And that's when I decided
that I had to change
the world.
150
00:05:48,449 --> 00:05:51,583
Wait, she's getting
interviewed by the
William Penn Mirror?
151
00:05:51,585 --> 00:05:54,920
Come on. Don't get all
jealous 'cause your sister's
making news.
152
00:05:54,922 --> 00:05:58,957
And me eating 32 fish sticks
in the cafeteria isn't?
153
00:05:58,959 --> 00:06:01,259
This is
classic media bias!
154
00:06:01,261 --> 00:06:03,762
Please tell me the paper
is writing an article about
155
00:06:03,764 --> 00:06:05,397
how you're the biggest poser
in school.
156
00:06:05,399 --> 00:06:07,165
No, because
I'm not a poser.
157
00:06:07,167 --> 00:06:09,668
But I did tell them
that you were one, poser.
158
00:06:09,670 --> 00:06:13,171
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Easy on the p-word, huh?
159
00:06:13,173 --> 00:06:13,872
What is this, a disco?
160
00:06:13,874 --> 00:06:17,709
I really love my community
and want to give back,
but Erica won't let me.
161
00:06:17,711 --> 00:06:20,946
Please! He's joining
so that he can ruin my club
from the inside.
162
00:06:20,948 --> 00:06:24,549
You know, I think the Mirror
might be interested to know
163
00:06:24,551 --> 00:06:28,820
that a social awareness club
discriminates.
164
00:06:28,822 --> 00:06:30,122
What are you writing?
165
00:06:30,124 --> 00:06:31,623
We don't discriminate.
166
00:06:31,625 --> 00:06:34,292
Barry is welcome,
of course.
167
00:06:34,294 --> 00:06:36,395
You can quote me on that.
168
00:06:38,232 --> 00:06:39,765
Hmm.
169
00:06:41,468 --> 00:06:43,602
Okay, moving on
to our first fundraiser,
170
00:06:43,604 --> 00:06:46,505
I was thinking that a song
could inspire people,
171
00:06:46,507 --> 00:06:47,539
kind of like
We Are The World.
172
00:06:47,541 --> 00:06:51,943
I think that we focus
on one issue
that's super-important today,
173
00:06:51,945 --> 00:06:53,211
helping the people of Africa.
174
00:06:53,213 --> 00:06:54,513
Question.
What?
175
00:06:54,515 --> 00:06:56,081
Why do you get to pick
the issue?
176
00:06:56,083 --> 00:06:57,716
Because it's the
most important one.
177
00:06:57,718 --> 00:06:59,818
To you, but what about
the rainforest
178
00:06:59,820 --> 00:07:01,853
or raising awareness
for the ozone
179
00:07:01,855 --> 00:07:03,889
or why Air Jordans
are so expensive?
180
00:07:03,891 --> 00:07:05,424
Air Jordans?
That's not even a cause.
181
00:07:05,426 --> 00:07:08,427
You know, I think the Mirror
might be interested to know
182
00:07:08,429 --> 00:07:11,430
a social awareness club
is run by a dictator.
183
00:07:11,432 --> 00:07:13,832
No, just put Barry's ideas
in your song, Erica.
184
00:07:13,834 --> 00:07:16,935
Say, does anyone else have
an issue to be made aware of?
185
00:07:16,937 --> 00:07:18,303
Perhaps my wonderful
girlfriend has a few.
186
00:07:18,305 --> 00:07:21,973
Now that I think of it,
there are, like,
way too many nuclear weapons.
187
00:07:21,975 --> 00:07:23,375
Ooh! That's a good one.
Put it down.
188
00:07:23,377 --> 00:07:26,945
Yeah, but nuclear energy
is cleaner
than burning fossil fuels.
189
00:07:26,947 --> 00:07:28,413
That's true.
So write "Yes nukes."
190
00:07:28,415 --> 00:07:29,948
But I just wrote down
"No nukes."
191
00:07:29,950 --> 00:07:32,250
Who else has a cause?
Don't be shy.
192
00:07:32,252 --> 00:07:33,285
Save the whales, bro.
Gotta do it.
193
00:07:33,287 --> 00:07:36,588
Except the killer whales.
They're bad,
'cause they're killers.
194
00:07:36,590 --> 00:07:37,556
So, I guess
save some whales?
195
00:07:37,558 --> 00:07:40,959
That makes no sense.
Write it down!
Come on! Shout it out!
196
00:07:40,961 --> 00:07:41,893
There are no bad ideas.
197
00:07:41,895 --> 00:07:43,328
Poverty!
Scrunchies!
198
00:07:43,330 --> 00:07:44,129
Our town
needs a Bennigan's!
199
00:07:44,131 --> 00:07:45,764
JOHNNY: Spay and neuter.
NAKED ROB: Politics.
200
00:07:45,766 --> 00:07:46,498
ANDY: Acid rain.
201
00:07:46,500 --> 00:07:49,034
ADULT ADAM: As Erica was beginning to realize she had a problem,
202
00:07:49,036 --> 00:07:51,470
my mom was trying to solve mine.
203
00:07:51,472 --> 00:07:53,705
What's shakin', bacon?
(SNAPPING)
204
00:07:53,707 --> 00:07:55,106
You up
for a little chat about
205
00:07:55,108 --> 00:07:59,044
Oh, I don't know,
Star Wars, robots,
your body, video games?
206
00:07:59,046 --> 00:08:00,278
Please, just go away.
207
00:08:00,280 --> 00:08:05,450
Okay, not until you look
at yourself in the mirror.
Come on.
208
00:08:08,655 --> 00:08:10,288
Drink it all in.
209
00:08:10,290 --> 00:08:14,359
Now say
"I have a beautiful body."
210
00:08:14,361 --> 00:08:16,061
Yeah, not gonna happen.
211
00:08:16,063 --> 00:08:16,595
Oh, it will.
212
00:08:16,597 --> 00:08:20,899
Look in the mirror
and tell that beautiful body
just how beautiful it is.
213
00:08:20,901 --> 00:08:22,100
You need to leave.
214
00:08:22,102 --> 00:08:22,701
Say it.
215
00:08:22,703 --> 00:08:26,171
No!
Say "I have
a beautiful body."
216
00:08:26,173 --> 00:08:27,272
Never!
217
00:08:27,274 --> 00:08:30,308
Let me show you
how it's done.
(CLEARS THROAT)
218
00:08:30,310 --> 00:08:32,410
I like my eyes
'cause they sparkle.
219
00:08:32,412 --> 00:08:36,681
I like my shoulders
'cause they look good with
or without pads. (CHUCKLES)
220
00:08:36,683 --> 00:08:39,684
I like my tummy
'cause it's where
I baked you.
221
00:08:39,686 --> 00:08:44,189
Make it stop!
Wait!
My little angel's a 10!
222
00:08:44,191 --> 00:08:45,657
You are a 10!
223
00:08:45,659 --> 00:08:47,058
You're a (BLEEP) 10!
224
00:08:47,060 --> 00:08:48,126
ADULT ADAM:
After that debacle,
225
00:08:48,128 --> 00:08:50,795
I needed a laugh, so I turned to the funniest movie
226
00:08:50,797 --> 00:08:54,132
about a dancing gopher ever made, Caddyshack.
227
00:08:54,134 --> 00:08:56,935
But instead of cracking me up, it gave me an idea.
228
00:08:56,937 --> 00:09:01,740
I couldn't be expected to swim if the pool was suddenly shut down.
229
00:09:01,742 --> 00:09:05,343
Those poor schmucks think
someone had an accident,
230
00:09:05,345 --> 00:09:07,279
but it's just a candy bar!
231
00:09:07,281 --> 00:09:09,014
This movie is a hoot!
232
00:09:09,016 --> 00:09:10,148
(POPS LAUGHING)
233
00:09:10,150 --> 00:09:12,150
Things are just getting good.
Where you going, kiddo?
234
00:09:12,152 --> 00:09:15,587
I suddenly got a craving
for a Baby Ruth.
235
00:09:15,589 --> 00:09:19,925
At 6:49 this morning,
our faithful janitor
236
00:09:19,927 --> 00:09:21,927
discovered a foreign object
in the pool.
237
00:09:21,929 --> 00:09:25,697
Initially, we thought
the object was
238
00:09:25,699 --> 00:09:27,232
organic in nature,
239
00:09:27,234 --> 00:09:31,069
so we followed school protocol
and drained the facilities.
240
00:09:31,071 --> 00:09:32,938
Upon closer inspection,
we determined
241
00:09:32,940 --> 00:09:37,342
that the floater in question
was, in fact, a candy bar.
242
00:09:37,344 --> 00:09:38,076
(ALL LAUGH)
243
00:09:38,078 --> 00:09:40,946
Laugh it up, chuckleheads,
but Caddyshacking a pool
244
00:09:40,948 --> 00:09:43,248
is a serious offense.
(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)
245
00:09:43,250 --> 00:09:44,983
I said no press!
246
00:09:44,985 --> 00:09:45,850
Damn it.
247
00:09:45,852 --> 00:09:47,218
Now this is gonna be
all over the Mirror.
248
00:09:47,220 --> 00:09:49,220
(ALL LAUGH)
ADULT ADAM:
My plan had worked.
249
00:09:49,222 --> 00:09:53,391
The question was, how long could I get away with it?
250
00:09:53,393 --> 00:09:55,460
(PIANO PLAYING)
♪ We don't want a nuclear winter
251
00:09:55,462 --> 00:09:59,230
♪ That's why we need a nuclear freeze
252
00:09:59,232 --> 00:10:01,266
♪ I know that's confusing... ♪
253
00:10:01,268 --> 00:10:03,468
God. What the hell
rhymes with "freeze"?
254
00:10:03,470 --> 00:10:05,437
Did someone say "Barry"?
255
00:10:05,439 --> 00:10:06,037
Get out!
256
00:10:06,039 --> 00:10:07,906
Because of you,
I have to write
a ridiculous song
257
00:10:07,908 --> 00:10:09,207
about every issue
in the world.
258
00:10:09,209 --> 00:10:13,979
Chill, girl.
Big Tasty's got the answer
to all your problems.
259
00:10:13,981 --> 00:10:14,980
Merch.
260
00:10:14,982 --> 00:10:16,114
Go away!
261
00:10:16,116 --> 00:10:16,748
Just hear me out.
262
00:10:16,750 --> 00:10:20,118
Songs are cute,
but if you want to start
making real cheddar,
263
00:10:20,120 --> 00:10:21,353
merch is where it's at.
264
00:10:21,355 --> 00:10:22,020
Why are you still here?
265
00:10:22,022 --> 00:10:26,825
Did you know
the Rolling Stones make 93%
of their money on t-shirts?
266
00:10:26,827 --> 00:10:28,460
And the other 22%?
267
00:10:28,462 --> 00:10:29,361
Stickers!
268
00:10:29,363 --> 00:10:30,629
Merch, baby!
Merch!
269
00:10:30,631 --> 00:10:32,564
I'm not doing
a thing you say.
270
00:10:32,566 --> 00:10:33,231
Bup-bup-bup-bup-bup.
271
00:10:33,233 --> 00:10:36,668
Reserve your judgment
until you see the back.
272
00:10:36,670 --> 00:10:37,602
Are you kidding me?
273
00:10:37,604 --> 00:10:40,171
Your merch is all about
getting you sneakers.
274
00:10:40,173 --> 00:10:40,639
Exactly!
275
00:10:40,641 --> 00:10:43,341
You see, at first, I thought
you were just some dumb poser,
276
00:10:43,343 --> 00:10:45,443
but then I realized
your dumb poser crap
277
00:10:45,445 --> 00:10:46,444
can help get me
my Air Jordans.
278
00:10:46,446 --> 00:10:49,981
That's it! I don't care
what the Principal says.
You're out of my club.
279
00:10:49,983 --> 00:10:51,116
You can't do that!
I just did.
280
00:10:51,118 --> 00:10:53,885
Oh-ho. The Mirror's gonna have
a field day with you, poser.
281
00:10:53,887 --> 00:10:56,421
Call me "poser" all you want.
I don't care anymore.
282
00:10:56,423 --> 00:11:00,091
In fact, you are worse
than a poser.
All you are is a joke.
283
00:11:00,093 --> 00:11:01,459
Oh, we'll see
who the joke is
284
00:11:01,461 --> 00:11:06,564
once I start my own
rival social awareness club
to raise money for barity.
285
00:11:06,566 --> 00:11:08,099
Barity?
That's not a thing.
286
00:11:08,101 --> 00:11:11,202
It's a Barry charity.
A barity.
287
00:11:11,204 --> 00:11:13,338
And it will crush
your charity.
288
00:11:14,307 --> 00:11:15,373
Wha...
289
00:11:15,375 --> 00:11:18,376
Stop! Barry!
290
00:11:18,378 --> 00:11:19,511
Stop it!
291
00:11:19,513 --> 00:11:20,378
All right, listen up!
292
00:11:20,380 --> 00:11:24,516
I figured keeping you here
hours after class
would flush out our prankster.
293
00:11:24,518 --> 00:11:26,217
Alvin, our janitor,
gave me that pun.
294
00:11:26,219 --> 00:11:31,289
If the culprit doesn't
come forward by next class,
you will all be punished!
295
00:11:31,291 --> 00:11:33,324
But know this,
I will find you.
296
00:11:33,326 --> 00:11:34,659
ADULT ADAM:
My time was running out,
297
00:11:34,661 --> 00:11:36,861
so my only option was to create confusion.
298
00:11:36,863 --> 00:11:39,998
Whoever did this,
stop being a putz
and just admit it.
299
00:11:40,000 --> 00:11:42,534
Honestly, dude,
we were all kind
of thinking it was you.
300
00:11:42,536 --> 00:11:45,537
Guys, it can't be me.
That would be too obvious.
301
00:11:45,539 --> 00:11:48,473
It's always the last person
that you suspect.
302
00:11:48,709 --> 00:11:49,874
Don't nod at me.
303
00:11:49,876 --> 00:11:51,476
Everyone knows
Dave Kim's allergic to nuts.
304
00:11:51,478 --> 00:11:55,447
And how do you just happen
to know that candy bar
had nuts?
305
00:11:55,449 --> 00:11:56,681
They all have nuts!
306
00:11:56,683 --> 00:11:58,016
Not Milky Way.
That's nougat.
307
00:11:58,018 --> 00:12:01,486
Nougat is nuts!
You're making that up.
308
00:12:01,488 --> 00:12:03,655
The primary ingredients
in nougat are
309
00:12:03,657 --> 00:12:05,156
sugar, nuts,
and egg whites.
310
00:12:05,158 --> 00:12:09,594
ADULT ADAM:
Like a criminal mastermind, I had created confusion,
311
00:12:09,596 --> 00:12:10,295
and it was glorious.
312
00:12:10,297 --> 00:12:13,631
But Erica was about to create confusion of a different kind.
313
00:12:13,633 --> 00:12:15,567
Hey, Lainey.
Yeah, Erica?
314
00:12:15,569 --> 00:12:17,102
When did the earth die?
315
00:12:17,104 --> 00:12:17,635
TOGETHER: Today.
316
00:12:17,637 --> 00:12:21,206
Unless you open your eyes
and your wallets.
317
00:12:21,208 --> 00:12:23,241
Uno, dos, tres... Cuatro.
318
00:12:23,243 --> 00:12:28,680
♪ Listen up, America, let's get socially aware
319
00:12:28,682 --> 00:12:29,948
♪ Stop thinkin' about yourself
320
00:12:29,950 --> 00:12:33,318
♪ Your clothes, your grades, your hair
321
00:12:33,320 --> 00:12:35,019
♪ Stop the nukes and pollution
322
00:12:35,021 --> 00:12:38,289
♪ Acid rain is not our friend
323
00:12:38,291 --> 00:12:39,657
♪ Save the whales, the ozone
324
00:12:39,659 --> 00:12:43,461
♪ And we'd love to get a Bennigan's
325
00:12:43,463 --> 00:12:45,897
♪ We'll fix the world
326
00:12:45,899 --> 00:12:48,199
♪ Yes, every problem
327
00:12:48,201 --> 00:12:50,835
♪ There's way too many on this list
328
00:12:50,837 --> 00:12:53,004
♪ But we will solve them
329
00:12:53,707 --> 00:12:55,673
♪ We want a two-day school week
330
00:12:55,675 --> 00:12:58,176
♪ And Lando Calrissian for President ♪
331
00:12:58,178 --> 00:13:00,612
♪ And relax the school's policy on nudity
332
00:13:00,614 --> 00:13:03,148
♪ And I want a date with Erica...
333
00:13:03,150 --> 00:13:05,383
Geoff,
stop changing the words.
334
00:13:05,385 --> 00:13:08,286
♪ No, acid rain, yes, recycling
335
00:13:08,288 --> 00:13:10,522
♪ But no more death penalty
336
00:13:10,524 --> 00:13:12,857
♪ Unless the guy really deserves it
337
00:13:12,859 --> 00:13:15,794
♪ Then zap him, I'd agree
338
00:13:15,796 --> 00:13:16,427
♪ Or her
339
00:13:16,429 --> 00:13:19,531
♪ 'Cause we're for equal rights,
340
00:13:19,533 --> 00:13:23,334
♪ As well
341
00:13:25,972 --> 00:13:27,772
♪ We'll fix the world
342
00:13:28,241 --> 00:13:30,508
♪ Yes, every problem
343
00:13:30,510 --> 00:13:32,710
♪ No matter how dumb they are
344
00:13:32,712 --> 00:13:35,180
♪ Yes, we will solve them... ♪
(INDISTINCT WHISPERING)
345
00:13:35,182 --> 00:13:37,148
Guys. Guys,
they're leaving.
346
00:13:37,150 --> 00:13:39,784
Wait... What? Wait, stop!
We have 10 more verses!
347
00:13:39,786 --> 00:13:43,454
Doughnuts!
Charitable doughnuts
for sale!
348
00:13:43,456 --> 00:13:44,055
What the...
349
00:13:44,057 --> 00:13:47,792
Don't be shy.
All doughnuts go to barity.
350
00:13:47,794 --> 00:13:48,493
What the hell is this?
351
00:13:48,495 --> 00:13:50,595
Victory. My friend Terrance,
he works at the Wawa.
352
00:13:50,597 --> 00:13:53,331
He gave me all the
day-old doughnuts
they were gonna trash.
353
00:13:53,333 --> 00:13:55,500
You people are eating
garbage pastries.
354
00:13:55,502 --> 00:13:58,436
Why don't you write a song
about it, Bob Dylan?
355
00:13:58,438 --> 00:13:59,037
One glazed, please.
356
00:13:59,039 --> 00:14:02,841
This isn't a charity.
It's exchanging money
for goods. It's a business.
357
00:14:02,843 --> 00:14:06,845
You're just jealous,
'cause I'm changing the world
one doughnut at a time.
358
00:14:06,847 --> 00:14:09,347
Fine. I give up.
So you admit it.
359
00:14:09,349 --> 00:14:10,715
You're the poser, not me.
360
00:14:10,717 --> 00:14:13,484
I just wanted
to do something important,
361
00:14:13,486 --> 00:14:14,686
but I guess
you were right.
362
00:14:14,688 --> 00:14:18,823
(VOICE BREAKING)
No one cares,
and no matter how hard I try,
363
00:14:18,825 --> 00:14:21,392
I'll never
make a difference.
364
00:14:25,498 --> 00:14:26,531
MELLOR: Two days!
365
00:14:26,533 --> 00:14:28,867
It's been
two long, swimless days,
366
00:14:28,869 --> 00:14:33,738
and our prankster
still hasn't admitted
to Caddyshacking the pool.
367
00:14:33,740 --> 00:14:35,707
Until our culprit
comes forward,
368
00:14:35,709 --> 00:14:40,612
you will all run laps
every day, all period long.
369
00:14:41,781 --> 00:14:42,247
Mirsky.
370
00:14:42,249 --> 00:14:44,849
So, you're saying
we run laps
instead of swimming?
371
00:14:44,851 --> 00:14:47,452
That's right.
Nice!
372
00:14:47,687 --> 00:14:48,686
Wait, hold on.
Stop, stop, stop.
373
00:14:48,688 --> 00:14:53,591
You're telling me you'd rather
run laps indefinitely
than get in the pool?
374
00:14:53,760 --> 00:14:54,659
ALL: Yeah.
375
00:14:54,661 --> 00:14:56,394
ADAM: Yeah
Yeah. That's good.
376
00:14:56,396 --> 00:14:57,896
Well, in that case
377
00:14:57,898 --> 00:14:59,731
swimming for the
rest of the year!
378
00:14:59,733 --> 00:15:02,967
We can't just swim all year.
What about basketball?
379
00:15:02,969 --> 00:15:04,202
It'll be water basketball.
380
00:15:04,204 --> 00:15:06,137
Dodgeball?
Pool dodgeball.
381
00:15:06,139 --> 00:15:08,973
Crab soccer?
You'll be on rafts.
382
00:15:08,975 --> 00:15:09,607
(ALL GASP)
383
00:15:09,609 --> 00:15:11,809
For the love of god,
whoever did this,
just admit it.
384
00:15:11,811 --> 00:15:14,178
Okay, fine.
I know who did it.
385
00:15:14,180 --> 00:15:17,181
The other day
after class, Adam...
386
00:15:17,984 --> 00:15:20,752
...made us realize
it was Dave Kim.
387
00:15:20,754 --> 00:15:21,753
What?
388
00:15:21,755 --> 00:15:23,021
I didn't see that coming.
389
00:15:23,023 --> 00:15:24,389
Dave Kim, my office.
390
00:15:24,391 --> 00:15:27,325
It's a setup!
It couldn't
have been me!
391
00:15:27,327 --> 00:15:28,159
Nougat is nuts.
392
00:15:28,161 --> 00:15:29,894
The primary ingredient
is nuts.
393
00:15:29,896 --> 00:15:32,096
Maybe we're being
a little hasty.
394
00:15:32,098 --> 00:15:33,932
You can't protect him
now, Goldfarb.
395
00:15:33,934 --> 00:15:35,767
He made his choice.
396
00:15:35,769 --> 00:15:38,870
Not so funny now,
are you, candyman?
397
00:15:45,178 --> 00:15:47,278
(GROANS)
Hey!
398
00:15:48,882 --> 00:15:51,082
"Caddyshame"?
399
00:15:51,084 --> 00:15:52,984
Dave Kim is guilty?
400
00:15:52,986 --> 00:15:53,751
I cannot believe this.
401
00:15:53,753 --> 00:15:56,888
Everybody knows
Dave Kim is
allergic to nuts,
402
00:15:56,890 --> 00:15:57,889
and nougat is nuts.
403
00:15:57,891 --> 00:16:00,758
No, this has Adam
written all over it.
404
00:16:00,760 --> 00:16:03,561
We've watched that movie
a million times.
405
00:16:03,563 --> 00:16:05,229
No! Adam wouldn't do that.
406
00:16:05,231 --> 00:16:08,833
I solved his problems
by forcing him
to love his body.
407
00:16:08,835 --> 00:16:12,203
Nobody wants to hear
that sort of thing
from their mother.
408
00:16:12,205 --> 00:16:12,971
Well, if that's true,
409
00:16:12,973 --> 00:16:15,840
then I suppose he needs
to hear it from his father.
410
00:16:15,842 --> 00:16:16,741
Or his grandfather.
411
00:16:16,743 --> 00:16:19,677
I'm not saying that
weird stuff to the boy.
412
00:16:19,679 --> 00:16:20,445
We keep it loose.
413
00:16:20,447 --> 00:16:22,580
Murray, you need
to do this!
414
00:16:22,582 --> 00:16:26,050
Now go up there and tell him
he has a beautiful body
415
00:16:26,052 --> 00:16:27,218
before he believes
he doesn't.
416
00:16:27,220 --> 00:16:33,091
ADULT ADAM: And so my dad set off to tell me I had a beautiful body.
417
00:16:33,226 --> 00:16:34,792
Hey. Uh, how you doing?
418
00:16:34,794 --> 00:16:35,660
Why are you in my room?
419
00:16:35,662 --> 00:16:39,163
Just came by to say "Hi"
and... (MUMBLES)
420
00:16:39,165 --> 00:16:39,731
What?
421
00:16:39,733 --> 00:16:41,032
To tell you
you got a beautiful body.
422
00:16:41,034 --> 00:16:43,267
What?
You know, that you got
a beautiful body.
423
00:16:43,269 --> 00:16:47,005
See, you keep trailing off,
specifically at the end.
424
00:16:47,007 --> 00:16:48,673
You got a beautiful body.
425
00:16:48,675 --> 00:16:50,942
This body of yours...
Beautiful!
426
00:16:50,944 --> 00:16:53,044
Don't ever
tell me that again!
427
00:16:53,046 --> 00:16:55,346
Deal. But...
428
00:16:55,348 --> 00:16:56,848
Let's be truthful.
429
00:16:56,850 --> 00:17:00,385
You don't have
a beautiful body.
Thanks.
430
00:17:00,387 --> 00:17:02,120
You're in middle school.
431
00:17:02,122 --> 00:17:05,790
Your body,
it's stinky and greasy
432
00:17:05,792 --> 00:17:07,458
and it's growing too fast.
433
00:17:07,460 --> 00:17:11,963
And when you talk,
it's...it's like a...
434
00:17:11,965 --> 00:17:14,165
A broken kazoo.
435
00:17:14,501 --> 00:17:15,366
Those days were horrible.
436
00:17:15,368 --> 00:17:17,769
(STUTTERS) I remember them.
I really do.
437
00:17:17,771 --> 00:17:19,103
Since when have
you had a shred
438
00:17:19,105 --> 00:17:21,172
of insecurity
about your body?
439
00:17:21,174 --> 00:17:24,275
You'll go anywhere
in your tighty-whities.
440
00:17:24,277 --> 00:17:24,909
That's now.
441
00:17:24,911 --> 00:17:27,745
When I was your age,
I hated my body.
442
00:17:27,747 --> 00:17:29,747
The good news is,
I grew up,
443
00:17:29,749 --> 00:17:31,849
and life beat me down
so hard
444
00:17:31,851 --> 00:17:33,885
that I eventually
stopped caring.
445
00:17:33,887 --> 00:17:37,722
And someday, life will
crap on you so hard
446
00:17:37,724 --> 00:17:40,191
that you'll stop
caring, too!
447
00:17:40,193 --> 00:17:42,693
That's...
Oddly comforting.
448
00:17:42,695 --> 00:17:43,728
Trust me.
449
00:17:43,730 --> 00:17:44,495
Eventually, you'll realize
450
00:17:44,497 --> 00:17:46,297
it doesn't matter
what other people think.
451
00:17:46,299 --> 00:17:50,902
ADULT ADAM: Thanks to my dad, I knew I had to take a stand.
452
00:17:50,904 --> 00:17:52,403
All right, everybody,
settle in.
453
00:17:52,405 --> 00:17:55,940
Gonna watch this jokester
do laps for the next hour.
454
00:17:55,942 --> 00:17:57,375
Anything you'd
like to say
455
00:17:57,377 --> 00:18:00,978
before you begin
your aquatic odyssey?
456
00:18:00,980 --> 00:18:02,880
I didn't do it.
457
00:18:02,882 --> 00:18:04,482
ADUL ADAM:
It was time to be a man
458
00:18:04,484 --> 00:18:07,085
and take responsibility for what I'd done.
459
00:18:07,087 --> 00:18:08,152
Wait.
460
00:18:08,154 --> 00:18:11,055
I did it.
I caddyshacked the pool.
461
00:18:11,057 --> 00:18:12,824
(STUDENTS GASP)
Innocent!
462
00:18:12,826 --> 00:18:15,259
Look, this wasn't
some prank.
463
00:18:15,261 --> 00:18:18,429
I did it
because I hate swimming.
464
00:18:18,431 --> 00:18:19,063
We all do.
465
00:18:19,065 --> 00:18:21,799
We dread having to
wear our swimsuits
in front of each other
466
00:18:21,801 --> 00:18:25,570
because we feel super-weird
about our super-weird bodies.
467
00:18:25,572 --> 00:18:29,507
So if it's a crime
to be self-conscious,
468
00:18:29,509 --> 00:18:31,409
then I guess I'm guilty.
469
00:18:31,411 --> 00:18:33,511
But just ask yourself...
470
00:18:33,513 --> 00:18:36,814
Isn't that
punishment enough?
471
00:18:36,816 --> 00:18:39,484
No. A month's detention.
472
00:18:39,486 --> 00:18:40,351
Balls.
473
00:18:40,353 --> 00:18:42,053
As for
the rest of you...
474
00:18:42,055 --> 00:18:43,354
Is he right?
475
00:18:43,356 --> 00:18:45,256
ALL: Yeah.
476
00:18:45,258 --> 00:18:46,190
All right, look.
477
00:18:46,192 --> 00:18:49,560
I know not everyone
is in peak
physical condition,
478
00:18:49,562 --> 00:18:50,595
like coach.
479
00:18:50,597 --> 00:18:51,629
A lot of you
got baby fat.
480
00:18:51,631 --> 00:18:54,499
Some of you are gangly,
spaghetti-armed monsters.
481
00:18:54,501 --> 00:18:57,335
Others just look like
a sack of paste.
482
00:18:57,337 --> 00:18:59,837
But if this is
how you feel,
then I am willing
483
00:18:59,839 --> 00:19:02,473
to make even the worst of you
a little more comfortable.
484
00:19:02,475 --> 00:19:05,009
ADULT ADAM:
That's the crazy thing about growing up...
485
00:19:05,011 --> 00:19:07,945
Help comes when you least expect it...
486
00:19:07,947 --> 00:19:11,849
From the people you expect the least from.
487
00:19:12,919 --> 00:19:13,551
What's this?
488
00:19:13,553 --> 00:19:15,520
Consider it
a baritable donation
489
00:19:15,522 --> 00:19:16,921
to your
social whatever club.
490
00:19:16,923 --> 00:19:18,389
But this is
your Air Jordan money.
491
00:19:18,391 --> 00:19:19,657
Why would you
give this to me?
492
00:19:19,659 --> 00:19:22,226
Look, maybe you are
a poser, but so am I.
493
00:19:22,228 --> 00:19:26,030
Don't tell anyone,
but I can't dunk
on Charles Barkley.
494
00:19:26,032 --> 00:19:27,265
I'm not in the Yakuza.
495
00:19:27,267 --> 00:19:28,566
And even though
it looks like it,
496
00:19:28,568 --> 00:19:30,768
my body's not as cut
as LL Cool J's.
497
00:19:30,770 --> 00:19:31,869
Well, your secret's
safe with me.
498
00:19:31,871 --> 00:19:34,805
So, we're both posers,
and so are all our friends.
499
00:19:34,807 --> 00:19:38,309
I guess we're all just
trying to figure it out.
500
00:19:38,311 --> 00:19:40,645
But the one thing
I do know...
501
00:19:40,647 --> 00:19:43,581
You will definitely
make a difference.
502
00:19:44,284 --> 00:19:45,249
Thanks, Barry.
Thank you.
503
00:19:45,251 --> 00:19:49,253
ADULT ADAM: When we're young, we're all just trying to figure out who we are.
504
00:19:49,255 --> 00:19:50,555
Donate to make
a change, people.
505
00:19:50,557 --> 00:19:54,792
If it's an issue
you care about,
it's on this shirt.
506
00:19:54,794 --> 00:19:59,096
And sometimes other people see our potential before we do.
507
00:19:59,866 --> 00:20:01,566
Poopie. You like the jams.
508
00:20:01,568 --> 00:20:04,035
I thought maybe
I'd wear them to swim class.
509
00:20:04,037 --> 00:20:07,038
And even though it's scary to not know where you're going,
510
00:20:07,040 --> 00:20:10,441
with people who love you, you know you'll be okay.
511
00:20:10,443 --> 00:20:12,510
I made him
feel beautiful.
512
00:20:12,512 --> 00:20:14,412
You sure did, Bev.
513
00:20:14,414 --> 00:20:19,150
At times, you'll struggle to be comfortable in your own skin,
514
00:20:19,152 --> 00:20:20,184
but if you look around,
515
00:20:20,186 --> 00:20:22,653
you'll find you're in pretty great company.
516
00:20:22,655 --> 00:20:24,855
(BLOWS WHISTLE )
517
00:20:25,058 --> 00:20:29,460
♪ Alive and kicking
518
00:20:29,462 --> 00:20:34,232
♪ Stay until your love is
519
00:20:34,234 --> 00:20:39,003
♪ Alive and kicking
520
00:20:39,005 --> 00:20:41,405
♪ Alive ♪
521
00:20:43,109 --> 00:20:46,043
(KIDS SCREAMING PLAYFULLY)
522
00:20:51,284 --> 00:20:52,183
Crazy-awesome news...
523
00:20:52,185 --> 00:20:54,819
My barity is back
in full effect.
524
00:20:54,821 --> 00:20:55,453
Dear God.
525
00:20:55,455 --> 00:20:57,421
How do you keep making
these t-shirts so fast?
526
00:20:57,423 --> 00:21:00,458
Mom's got iron-on decals
of all our faces.
527
00:21:00,460 --> 00:21:01,659
Check mine out.
528
00:21:01,661 --> 00:21:03,160
No, take it off!
529
00:21:03,162 --> 00:21:04,061
Focus!
530
00:21:04,063 --> 00:21:04,795
I wanted to let you know
531
00:21:04,797 --> 00:21:06,130
I took a page
out of your book,
532
00:21:06,132 --> 00:21:09,533
wrote a dope song to raise
money for a good cause.
533
00:21:09,535 --> 00:21:10,768
Kick it, JTP.
534
00:21:10,770 --> 00:21:11,969
(BEATBOXING)
535
00:21:11,971 --> 00:21:14,772
(RAPPING)
♪ Poverty, pollution,
the world ain't fair
536
00:21:14,774 --> 00:21:18,376
♪ What this planet needs
is clean water and air ♪
537
00:21:18,378 --> 00:21:19,343
ALL: Jordans!
538
00:21:19,345 --> 00:21:21,178
Stop, stop, stop!
539
00:21:21,814 --> 00:21:22,747
That was amazing,
540
00:21:22,749 --> 00:21:23,614
and you definitely
need to do it
541
00:21:23,616 --> 00:21:24,882
in front of
the whole school.
542
00:21:24,884 --> 00:21:27,585
Yes! Philanthropy!
Barry wins!
543
00:21:27,884 --> 00:21:29,585
Fixed & Synced By MoUsTaFa ZaKi 48698
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