All language subtitles for The.Goldbergs.S03E02.1080p.WEB-DL.DD5.1.H.264-BTN

Adult Adam: Back in the day,
I was a ridiculously cute kid.

Yes! I am literally
the coolest man alive!

I'm not bragging.
It's just pure fact.

My god,
you're so cute!

I just want to scrumple you up
and eat you whole!

But of course,
no one stays a kid forever.

Yeah.

You sure about this?

People are gonna know
I'm covering up a zit.

Don't worry, pal.
I'll just tell everyone in
school I pummeled your face.

You're a good brother.
The best.

Here, you got a giant one
forming on your forehead, too.

Maybe I could hide
the pimples, but the rest
was hard to mask.

Let's go! Hustle!

This is called scooter ball,

Not "sit in the corner
and talk to kevin" ball.

I began to smell different.

Whoa, Goldfarb!

Wheel it in!

Time for a private huddle!

I'm gonna put this
delicately, kid.

You smell like
a gym sock's butt.

Uh, thanks.

You smell like
a garlic diaper.
Thanks?

You smell like egg salad
left in a humidifier.
Thanks.

I assume you don't notice
since you live
with that stink 24/7.

Oh, no, I smell it.

There's half a speed stick
in my desk.

It's yours now.
Be liberal with it.

Coach is
on your team here.

That's why
I pulled you aside
to avoid embarrassment.

I guess I wish you would have
pulled me aside
just a little farther.

Adult Adam: I was eating
like an animal
and suddenly seeing

Every woman I came across
in a new light.

You seen my, uh, tv guide
with Sally Jessy Raphael
on the cover?

Mmm-mmm, nope.

Hmm.

Every woman.

Man, oh, man.

Those looks
and emotional intelligence
to boot?

Whoa.

But worst of all,
it affected my favorite
activity in the world,

The annual school musical.

Welcome, Mr. Goldberg.

I have a feeling
that this might be
the year

That you finally break out
of the chorus.

(piano playing)

♪ I'm watching sis
go pitter pat

♪ said, I can do that,
I can do that ♪

Adult Adam: Turns out,
I could not do that.

(sighs)
well, you, um...
You really...

Really sang it.

You sang it.

I know in past years
I was upset when you put me
in the chorus.

But I'm thinking this year,
it feels right.

Done.
You're in the chorus.

Oh, thank god.

Chorus line,
which is a lead!

But I'm in the chorus.

Line.
Oh, thank god.

Which means
you have a big solo.

But I'm in the chorus.
Line.

But did you not hear
the sounds I just made?

Adam, every boy your age
sounds like you.

And, honestly,
I don't have that much
to work with here,

So I might as well
just give the leads

To the most
enthusiastic kids.

Balls.
Yeah, balls.

Okay, uh,
let's take it from the top.
Sing it with me.

Both:
♪ I'm watching sis go
pitter pat

Try to stay in the key.

♪ I'm watching sis
go pitter pat

You're kind of all over
the map. Okay.

♪ I'm watching sis
go pitter pat

♪ I can do that ♪

You know,
it's mostly a dance show,

And you bring a lot
of dance energy.

You'll get it.
Balls.

♪ I'm twisted up inside

♪ but nonetheless
I feel the need to say"

♪ I don't know the future

♪ but the past keeps getting
clearer every day ♪

Adult Adam: It was
September 30, 1980-something,

And my brother
and his idiot posse, the jtp,

Were gearing up
for the homecoming dance.

What's happening?
What is this?

Homecoming's in four days,
so it's time to give my boys

A crash-course lesson
on how to groove
like Milli Vanilli.

We all kind of told our dates
that we could dance,
so thank god for Barry.

No.
Thank god for Milli.

Vanilli, not so much.

Wait, wait.
You choose Milli
over Vanilli?

He's got the body
and the moves.

Uh, if he's so great,
then why isn't it
Vanilli Milli?

Milli proceeds vanilli,
so suck it.

You suck it.
You suck it.

Wow, even you three boneheads
found a date to the dance.

Kind of makes you think,
huh?

Like maybe you need
a date for once?

What are you talking about?
I date.
Barry: No.

You third-wheel
me and Lainey.

Look, the only reason
why I haven't been on a date

Is because there's no one
at our school worth dating.

Well, if you want to go
to homecoming with me,

I'll totally drop
my foxy lady.

Your foxy lady's
your cousin.

Second-cousin.
Totally different
blood line.

Probably not gonna
do stuff, though.

She looks just like me
with a perm.

Erica, you know I love you,
but you're kind of closed off
and way too picky.

I mean, stay away from Geoff,
obviously,

But you got to give
someone a chance.

How is it my fault
that every guy in our school
is an unbearable moron?

That's another thing.
You've got to stop calling
everyone a moron.

Morons!
You're being too loud!

Find another house
to stupid up.

Oh. My. God.
You're just like dad!

Way to go, mur-man.

Years of calling everyone
on the planet a moron

Has poisoned
your daughter's love life
and left her cold and alone.

So you're telling me
that I've raised a daughter

Who doesn't want to date
dumbass high-school boys?

I think
I've done my job.

Come on.
Let us help you find someone.

Go on.
Describe your perfect guy.

Well, he'd be
a mysterious
handsome outsider

With a trench coat,
a sexy voice,

And a thriving acting career
where he plays the
thinking girl's heartthrob.

Dude, you're just describing
Christian Slater.

Seriously?
You're a lost cause.

Well, you asked.

Look, if a guy
like christian slater
walks through that door,

I promise you I will go
with him to homecoming.

Christian Slater, huh?

You want the coolest guy
in the world?
You got him.

What's that?

Nothing,
I just farted. I...

I farted.

I fart... I gotta go.

Adult Adam: While Geoff
was hatching a plan,
I was out of options.

(gasps)
there's my
tiny snuggle angel.

Stop it!
I'm not tiny
or snuggly or angel-y.

Tough day
at the office, kiddo?

The worst.
I got the lead
in the musical.

Schmoo, that's fantastic.
That's all
you've ever wanted.

Not anymore.

My face is breaking out,
my pits are stinking,

And my voice is very,
very unpredictable.

I finally get
the part of a lifetime,

And I'm gonna just
humiliate myself.

Ah, yes, the wondrous journey
through puberty.

It's not wondrous.
It's awful.

Well, you've come
to the right place.

Oh, no.

It's my duty
to help you out,
baby bro.

Only big tasty can guide
you through what many call
"the pubening."

No one calls it that.

First,
stop washing your face.

You'll go through
a very shiny,
greasy couple of months.

But eventually,
your natural oils reach
a healthy balance.

Why does he do this?
I don't know.

Second, always shave dry
and against the grain,

Attacking the follicles
in a jerky, zig-zag pattern.

And third,
never use deodorant.

That's just something
that big corporations
made up to take your money.

Simply apply
a healthy layer
of vaseline to the armpit

And let it seal in
the stink.

He's still going.
He means well.

Think of me as a resource.
I'm here for you, bro.

Thank you, boopie.
So helpful.

Forget everything
you just heard.

If anyone understands
what you're going through,
it's mama.

No offense, mom,
but you have no idea
how hard this is for me.

Please, I've watched
two children

Go through the pubening.
(chuckles)

Heck, I even
went through it myself
at the tender age of 9.

It wasn't ideal.

They used
to call me "booberly."

But this is
just something all of us

Had to suffer through
on our own.

Now you will, too.

Or completely
skip over.

Hmm?

With my guidance,
I'll take this
horrible time

And make it smooth, easy,
and maybe a little bit fun.

Are you actually saying
you could save me
from puberty?

No! She can't.

Yes, that is exactly
what I'm saying.

At this point,
I got nothing to lose.

Show me
what you got, lady.

Adult Adam: While I put
my faith in my mother,

Geoff Schwartz
put his in Christian Slater.

Greetings and salutations.

Lovely home
you got here.

What's going on?
Why are you talking
like a jackass?

Erica said she wanted
a Christian Slater,
so here I am.

I know it's a long shot,
but I just think
your daughter's amazing.

And if you approve,
I'd love to take her
to homecoming.

Erica!

You've got
a gentleman suitor.

You're one
of the good ones, mr. G.

Erica: A gentleman what?
(footsteps approaching)

Greetings and salutations.

I was just skateboarding by,
gleaming the cube and whatnot.

Thought we could go
grab a slushie.

Oh, my god, are you trying
to impress me by acting
like christian slater?

Is it working?
No.

And your clip-on earring
just popped off.

Okay, look, I, I just...
I think you're great,
okay?

I have since, like,
second grade.

Now, I know I made promises
to my cousin,

But maybe we could go
to homecoming together?

Oh, Geoff,
this was sweet,

But I have a pretty firm
"no moron" policy.

Question,
am I in that category?
For sure.

Uh, so, um... Okay,
so I'll put you down
for a "maybe."

God, what a putz.
Am I right?

Adult Adam: At that moment,
my dad realized that perhaps

His judgmental nature
may have rubbed off
on his daughter.

And he decided
to do something about it.

Wow, who knew
so many interesting

And attractive young men
went to this school?

They're okay, I guess.

Yeah, lots of fellas who look
like they'd be worth
getting to know.

I should put myself
out there more.

Oh, look at that one
with the stylish scarf
and the sketchbook...

A poet and an artist,
I bet.

That's dan.
(chuckles)

He's shy, but I think
I could crack open that nut.

Hey, how about
that hot shot?

Is he a swimmer?
He's built like a swimmer.

Look at those shoulders.
He swims, for sure.

Will you shut up?
I'm not even talking
to you.

Well, I certainly hope
you're not talking to me.

Hey, take it from someone
who doesn't like people.

If you close yourself off,
you're gonna
miss out on a lot.

So my dad wants me
to date more?

It's homecoming!

There's got to be
a nice guy somewhere
who deserves a chance.

You're right!

I'm gonna go ask dan
to sit with me at lunch,

See what makes
that guy tick.

(groans)
thanks, dad.

Yes, this is amazing!

Your dad actually
provided you
with real wisdom for once.

Chill, I didn't say
I was going to the dance.

I just said
I would consider it
if an idiot asked me.

Got it.
We'll play it cool
and casually spread the word.

Attention, entire school!

This is Erica Goldberg,

And she will go
to homecoming
with anyone willing to ask.

Barry, sit your ass down
right now.

Uh, to clarify,
she's not a desperate loser.

She's just super closed-off,
and the door's open a crack.
(chuckles)

Which reminds me, dan,
we're hanging out
after school.

I, I have a dentist
appointment, bro.

Cancel it!
We're building
something here!

Get down.

Subtle. Thank you.

Well, the good news is
now we can just
sit back and wait.

Well, don't hold
your breath.
(scoffs)

(saxophone plays)

'sup?

Hi.

I'm Johnny Atkins.
Heard you needed a date
to homecoming.

Sure, I guess.

You ever been out
with a first chair
in the school band before?

No.

Well, it's everything
you ever imagined.

I'll phone you,
saxophone you.

We're gonna have fun.

(saxophone plays)

Dude's confident,
I'll give him that.

You've got a date
to the dance.

Everybody's happy,
and it all worked out.

What did I miss?

We met a first chair
in the school band.

Adult Adam: While Erica
landed a date,

I landed a seat
at the gimbels makeup counter.

What kind of sorcery
is this?

My giant zits are gone!

Mama made you
a promise.

Now your adorable punim
is ready to light up
that stage.

Just one problem,
my singing voice.

My mom couldn't fix that.

That is, until some news broke
that shook the country.

They've become
international stars.

But behind the braids
and break-dancing,

It's been discovered
that Milli Vanilli

Neither sang on their albums
nor at their concerts.

That's unreal.
They fooled everyone.

Yes, they really did.

And maybe
you can fool everyone, too.

What are you
talking about?

Say that again
only just mouth the words.

(mouthing)
what are you talking about?

Did that look
as good as it felt?

Better!
(gasps)

Problem solved, love bug!

We're gonna Milli Vanilli
the (bleep)
out of that musical.

Adult Adam:
My dad suggested that Erica
take a chance on someone.

Unfortunately,
that someone was this dude.

Yo. Is Erica here?

Yo. She's upstairs.
Who are you?

Johnny Atkins.
Yeah.

That Johnny Atkins.
I'm her dad.

Yeah, that dad.

Mind if I just
head up?

Actually, I do.

Zang! Atkins likes.

All right, can I talk to you
in the other room
away from this person?

Sure. Oh.

Who the hell is that?

It's my date
to the dance on Saturday.
He wanted to hang.

That kid's your date?
He's a moron.

Well, you're the guy
who told me to give
the morons a chance.

But I meant other morons.
What other morons?

Nice morons!
Morons like
that Geoff kid.

Schwartz?
He's a moron.

They're all morons!
That's what I'm saying.

But any other moron
is better than that moron.

This is ridiculous.

I took your advice,
but you don't get
to actually choose who I date.

My dad's plans for Erica
may have fallen apart.
(sighs)

But my mom's plan
for me only needed

To get past one person
for it to succeed.

Susan,
I really appreciate you

Agreeing to see me
on such short notice.

Technically, I didn't agree.
You just barged in
during third period

And yelled
"class dismissed."

Point is, I understand
you're putting together a cast
for this year's musical,

And it's presented
some challenges.

It's a real suck show.
Uh, you're gonna be great.

I won't be,
but that's sweet to say.

Well, what if I had a way
to solve your problems,

A way to make this
your biggest hit yet?

Mrs. Goldberg, we have been
through this in the past.

You can't be
in the musical.

No, no, I...
I've come to accept that.

I'm talking
about a different
approach entirely.

Have you heard of this
Milli Vanilli scandal?

Big fan. It hit me hard.

Oh, I'm sorry.

But what if someone
could do the same thing

Only without making
the same sloppy mistakes?

Are you actually suggesting
that Adam lip-sync his songs
in the show?

God, I guess hearing it
out loud, it really does sound
insane, even for me.

Screw it. I'm in.

Really?
I'll get all the kids
to do it.

I mean, what choice
do I have?

None. Yay.

Yay.
Yay!

Mouth it. Yay!

(saxophone plays)

(chuckles)
hey, Johnny.

Yo, looking forward
to Saturday night.
Me too.

So I'll pick up carla first,
be at your place
around 7:00, cool?

Cool.
(chuckles)

Wait, what?

Yeah, I'm also giving her
a ride to the dance.

And she can hang out with us.
And dance with us.

Are you taking both of us
to the dance?

Classic Johnny Atkins,
am I right?

How could you
not see this coming?

Because I have no idea
who you are,

Other than
an oddly confident
band geek.

Shows what you know.
Band geek in the front,
rock god in the back.

Are you seriously okay
with this?

No, but I really feel
like I can fix him.

But she can't,
so what do you say?

What do you think she says?
Hit the bricks, bro.

Dude, I will punch you
in the eyeball.

Erica, help me.
He's serious.

(sighs)
you know what, Johnny?

That's a firm "no"
to your creepy offer.
Your loss.

Hey, debbie gordon, you got
a date to homecoming yet?

(saxophone plays)

Oh, man, that was
so sweet of me, huh?

So if it's looking
like you're free
Saturday night, then...

I'm not going
to the dance, Geoff.

Not with anybody.

(lip-synching)
♪ I stuff her shoes
with extra socks

♪ run seven blocks

♪ in nothing flat

♪ and I can do that

♪ I can do that

This is incredible.
My grandson's
a superstar.

♪ I'm watching sis
go pitter pat

♪ said, I can do that

♪ that, that, that

♪ that, that, that, that,
that, that, that, that ♪

My god,
he's repeating himself.

You can do what?
What can you do?
Finish the thought.

Dad, he's fine.
Just working out
some kinks.

Wait, so you actually
weren't doing anything?

"not doing anything?"
didn't you see this?

Bevy, you can't let him
go through with this
cockamamie scheme.

Well, actually,
it was my idea.

Oh, god. Why?

Pops, I can't go onstage
and completely
embarrass myself.

Just do your best!
You're the same great kid
you always were.

Listen to me.
Do I sound
like the same kid?

Do I look
like the same kid?

No. I'm not him.

I'm whatever this is.

And if mom
can make it better,
I'm gonna let her.

(footsteps receding)

Don't give me that look.
As his mother, it is my job
to make this all better.

But you can't.
All you're doing
is making it worse.

You're turning him
into someone he's not.

(footsteps approaching)

I forgot my foundation,
rouge, and powder puff.

Good day to you, sir.

Adult Adam: The biggest night
of my middle-school
theater career had arrived,

And the only one
more nervous than me
was my smother.

Okay, let's warm up.

I have the recording
of the new york
city boys choir

Doing scales,
so show me what you got.

(lip-synching)
♪ do, re, mi,
fa, sol, la, ti, do

Oh, very good, very good.
Move those lips.

No sounds!

♪ fa, mi, re, do ♪

Adult Adam: Watching us
Milli Vanilli our way
through the warm-up scales,

My mom realized
pops was right.

Okay, susan.
We need to talk.

Sorry, show starts in five.

No, you can't do this.
It's wrong, and you know it.

What are you talking about?
This whole thing
was all your idea.

Those people out there,
they want to see
"a chorus line,"

Not "a chorus lie."

I'm so confused
by your moral high ground.
Again, this was all you.

Mom, it's fine.

This recording is gonna blow
the freaking roof
off this place.

And so are you
with your own voices.

Yes, they are creaking
and cracking.

And, yes, your foreheads
are very shiny, all right?

And you take
insanely long showers,

But it doesn't matter

Because you're all just
as amazing as you always were.

I don't feel amazing.

You?
What's your problem?

Oh, you heard my voice.
Who cares?

I got bacne, dude.
Crazy bacne.

So? I sweat constantly
for no reason.

I-I'm sweating right now,
and it's like
50 degrees in here.

I've got a weird thing
for Sally Jessy Raphael.

Beverly: See?

None of you are alone.

You're all going through
something that everybody
has to suffer through.

Come on.
Who's with me?

Screw it.

Let's go out there
and give them

The best worst musical
the school has ever seen.

Adult Adam: And so we sang it.

We really sang it.

And it wasn't pretty,
but it was definitely us.

♪ kiss today goodbye

♪ the sweetness
and the sorrow

All:
♪ wish me luck

♪ the same

♪ to you

Sure, growing up is hard
and awkward and embarrassing.

But if you're lucky,
you just mind find
the courage

To sing
your way through it...

♪ what I did for love ♪

...Or have someone
talk you through it
when you least expect it.

Hey, peanut.

I, uh, heard
about the kid
with the hair.

So, uh, you're not going
to the dance, huh?

Honestly,
I hate dances.

And the nice thing
about being alone

Is that there's
no one here bothering me,
acting like a moron.

Oh, my god,
Barry's right.

God, I'm just like you.

Sorry.

I get it.

But there's hope.
Why?

Well, things work out.

I met your mom.

She sees the best
in everybody,
even a grump like me.

All I'm saying is

Just give people
a chance.

Don't be a moron.

Adult Adam: 'cause as hard
as it is to grow up,

It's even harder
to go through it alone.

And when you open up
and put yourself out there,

You'll be surprised
where it leads.

Erica, hi!

Greetings and salutations.

You busy?

Uh, not really.
I was just waiting
for my cousin to call back.

I thought maybe
we could still make
the end of the dance.

Well, I was thinking maybe
we could hang out instead.

No way.
As friends.

Yeah, no.
Let's not put
a label on it.

Let's... Mmm-hmm.

So, what do you say
we go grab a slushie?

(chuckles)

Mmm, check this out.

Gleaming the cube.

What does that even mean?
No one knows.

(grunts)
(laughs)

Oh, my god,
Geoff, are you okay?

No, not a new one.
It's photo day at school.

You came
to the right place.

No, get out!
I don't want any
of your terrible advice.

Dude, I'm a pimple pro.
You got to pop
that thing immediately.

Everyone says
not to pop it.

Look at this
flawless skin.

It's like
baby italian marble.

Would you rather have
a pizza face
or a Barry face?

Fine.
I'll just pop the thing.

Oh, I gotta get this
on film.

Come on.

Let's get a close-up
of that zit.

Hey, why are you covering it?
Don't feel
so embarrassed.

Let me see that zit.
Come on.
For memories.

Barry: Let's get a close-up
of that zit.

He's covering his mouth
'cause he doesn't want anyone
to see his zit.

(laughs)
(bell dings)

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