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ADULT ADAM: Back in the '80s, Tom Cruise danced,
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00:00:02,770 --> 00:00:05,337
dove, and crashed his way into our hearts
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00:00:05,339 --> 00:00:08,307
in the classic teen movie
Risky Business.
4
00:00:08,309 --> 00:00:11,810
He was a pantless, partying badass in tube socks.
5
00:00:11,812 --> 00:00:13,312
But for my brother, Barry,
6
00:00:13,314 --> 00:00:15,514
Risky Business
wasn't just a movie.
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00:00:15,516 --> 00:00:18,050
It was a plan for life.
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00:00:18,853 --> 00:00:21,887
(ROCK AND ROLL MUSIC
PLAYING ON THE RADIO)
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00:00:23,157 --> 00:00:24,123
(MUSIC STOPS)
Oh!
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00:00:24,125 --> 00:00:27,559
Dang it!
Mom waxed the floor.
I'm going again.
11
00:00:27,561 --> 00:00:28,694
(INTRO PLAYS)
12
00:00:28,696 --> 00:00:30,963
(MUSIC STOPS)
Shoes were a bad idea.
13
00:00:30,965 --> 00:00:32,031
(INTRO PLAYS)
14
00:00:32,033 --> 00:00:33,565
(MUSIC STOPS)
Going again.
15
00:00:33,567 --> 00:00:35,401
(INTRO PLAYS AND MUSIC STOPS)
Whoa!
16
00:00:35,403 --> 00:00:38,670
What did I tell you
about Tom Cruising
the floor, huh?
17
00:00:38,672 --> 00:00:39,772
It's incredibly risky.
18
00:00:39,774 --> 00:00:42,775
Risky. That's the point.
(SCOFFS) I mean it, Barry.
19
00:00:42,777 --> 00:00:45,077
Take those sunglasses off
and look me in the eye.
20
00:00:45,079 --> 00:00:47,246
Do you want
to crack your head open?
21
00:00:47,248 --> 00:00:49,148
No Tom Cruising. Say it.
22
00:00:49,150 --> 00:00:49,915
(MUMBLING)
No Tom Cruising.
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00:00:49,917 --> 00:00:52,184
Say it like someone
who doesn't want
brain damage.
24
00:00:52,186 --> 00:00:52,918
No Tom Cruising.
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00:00:52,920 --> 00:00:57,589
ADULT ADAM: For years, all Barry wanted was to live Risky Business.
26
00:00:57,591 --> 00:00:57,990
Hey.
27
00:00:57,992 --> 00:01:01,960
And he finally got his shot thanks to his rebellious, bad-influence girlfriend,
28
00:01:01,962 --> 00:01:04,830
Lainey Lewis.
(TIRES SCREECHING)
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00:01:04,832 --> 00:01:08,567
Porsche.
There is no substitute.
30
00:01:08,569 --> 00:01:09,368
Dude.
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00:01:09,370 --> 00:01:12,104
This is super hot and awesome,
but your dad's gonna kill you.
32
00:01:12,106 --> 00:01:15,774
Actually, my dad just left
for a flooring convention
in Atlanta.
33
00:01:15,776 --> 00:01:18,877
He gave me a buttload
of pizza money
and two rules.
34
00:01:18,879 --> 00:01:21,246
No driving his Porsche
and no parties.
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00:01:21,248 --> 00:01:22,047
One down, one to go.
36
00:01:22,049 --> 00:01:23,916
Sweet Rebecca De Mornay
it's happening!
37
00:01:23,918 --> 00:01:28,487
We're gonna throw a real,
live kick-ass
Risky Business party!
38
00:01:28,489 --> 00:01:30,289
Erica, we need a keg stat.
39
00:01:30,291 --> 00:01:32,458
Lainey, jump in back.
40
00:01:33,027 --> 00:01:35,060
Big Tasty's taking the wheel.
41
00:01:35,062 --> 00:01:36,795
(GROANS)
I can't move my legs.
42
00:01:36,797 --> 00:01:39,098
I don't belong back here.
Why is it so hot?
43
00:01:39,100 --> 00:01:42,067
Turn the vents on me.
My God,
please stop whining!
44
00:01:42,069 --> 00:01:45,471
But this was supposed to be
my Risky Business moment.
I'm Tom Cruise.
45
00:01:45,473 --> 00:01:48,941
No, you're the weird guy
in the movie
who sits in the back.
46
00:01:48,943 --> 00:01:50,943
The dude who played booger?
That's bullcrap.
47
00:01:50,945 --> 00:01:52,411
I'm not booger.
You be booger.
48
00:01:52,413 --> 00:01:54,046
Cramp! Leg cramp!
(GRUNTS)
49
00:01:54,048 --> 00:01:55,714
My hamstrings
are too muscular.
What are you doing?
50
00:01:55,716 --> 00:01:58,050
I got to stretch out, okay?
Just sit there
like a good booger!
51
00:01:58,052 --> 00:02:00,219
Get your foot
off the gear shift!
52
00:02:00,221 --> 00:02:00,886
I'm trying!
53
00:02:00,888 --> 00:02:03,255
(TIRES SCREECHING)
(ALL SCREAMING)
54
00:02:10,231 --> 00:02:13,899
LAINEY: Nobody move!
BARRY: I'm just gonna move
a little.
55
00:02:13,901 --> 00:02:15,267
Barry!
Don't move.
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00:02:15,269 --> 00:02:18,804
Don't worry.
I'm like a ninja.
I'm just gonna...
57
00:02:22,143 --> 00:02:25,177
I think it's fair to say
this was everyone's fault.
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00:02:25,179 --> 00:02:27,446
ERICA: Shut up, booger.
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00:02:28,215 --> 00:02:29,581
♪ I'm twisted up inside
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00:02:29,583 --> 00:02:33,886
♪ But nonetheless I feel the need to say
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00:02:35,823 --> 00:02:36,555
♪ I don't know the future
62
00:02:36,557 --> 00:02:40,692
♪ But the past keeps getting clearer every day ♪
63
00:02:40,694 --> 00:02:43,228
ADULT ADAM: It was September 23, 1980-something,
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00:02:43,230 --> 00:02:46,598
and I was in my first official long-distance relationship
65
00:02:46,600 --> 00:02:49,935
with my first official girlfriend, Dana Caldwell.
66
00:02:49,937 --> 00:02:50,536
No, you hang up.
67
00:02:50,538 --> 00:02:52,471
No, you hang up.
No, you hang up.
68
00:02:52,473 --> 00:02:53,472
You hang up.
You hang up.
69
00:02:53,474 --> 00:02:54,740
You hang up.
You hang up.
70
00:02:54,742 --> 00:02:56,341
Someone
please hang up.
71
00:02:56,343 --> 00:02:58,243
I can't hear what
Jake is saying to the fat man.
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00:02:58,245 --> 00:03:03,515
Back before email and Skype, the only way to stay connected was to talk on the telephone
73
00:03:03,517 --> 00:03:05,083
or, for extra romance, sing.
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00:03:05,085 --> 00:03:05,884
♪ Step by step ♪
75
00:03:05,886 --> 00:03:10,622
Unfortunately, my voice was in a transitional period. ♪ Left, right, left ♪
76
00:03:10,624 --> 00:03:13,959
♪ We all fall down ♪
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00:03:14,895 --> 00:03:17,062
♪ Like toy soldiers ♪
78
00:03:17,064 --> 00:03:18,797
Oh, my God,
that terrible sound is you?
79
00:03:18,799 --> 00:03:22,000
Leave the singing
to the professionals!
80
00:03:22,136 --> 00:03:22,534
Me!
81
00:03:22,536 --> 00:03:25,771
Even though my voice changed, we were still as strong as ever.
82
00:03:25,773 --> 00:03:27,172
I was thinking
that Friday night
83
00:03:27,174 --> 00:03:29,141
we could look at
Halley's Comet together.
84
00:03:29,143 --> 00:03:31,443
Only comes around once every lifetime.
85
00:03:31,445 --> 00:03:33,045
Aww.
You're amazing.
86
00:03:33,047 --> 00:03:35,514
So, I'll watch it from here
and you'll watch it
in Seattle.
87
00:03:35,516 --> 00:03:38,850
Whoa.
You're talking to Seattle?
88
00:03:38,852 --> 00:03:40,152
I thought Danielle lived
down the street.
89
00:03:40,154 --> 00:03:44,223
It's Dana, and I told you
a million times she moved.
90
00:03:44,225 --> 00:03:46,258
You can't call Seattle
before 8:00.
91
00:03:46,260 --> 00:03:50,362
Do you have any idea
how much your girlfriend's
gonna cost me?
92
00:03:50,431 --> 00:03:51,396
(DIAL TONE)
93
00:03:51,398 --> 00:03:53,899
Hey! You made me
hang up first.
94
00:03:53,901 --> 00:03:58,203
I'm sorry, Adam.
I can't afford your love.
It's too pricy.
95
00:03:58,205 --> 00:03:59,838
What's that
supposed to mean?
96
00:03:59,840 --> 00:04:03,408
It means I'm canceling
our long-distance service.
97
00:04:03,410 --> 00:04:06,044
There, it's done.
Relationship over.
98
00:04:06,046 --> 00:04:09,047
Pops, talk some sense
into this heartless man.
99
00:04:09,049 --> 00:04:09,715
You're a smart kid.
100
00:04:09,717 --> 00:04:12,818
Find a creative way
to connect with her.
You know,
101
00:04:12,820 --> 00:04:16,255
I once dated
a Filipino woman via telegram.
102
00:04:16,257 --> 00:04:16,855
Really?
103
00:04:16,857 --> 00:04:18,557
Of course, Western Union
had to shut us down
104
00:04:18,559 --> 00:04:23,996
because Mala could get very
filthy in just
three sentences.
105
00:04:23,998 --> 00:04:26,164
Point is love.
106
00:04:26,166 --> 00:04:27,466
Okay,
you're useless to me.
107
00:04:27,468 --> 00:04:31,403
ADULT ADAM: As angry as I was, it couldn't hold a candle to the rage my mom felt
108
00:04:31,405 --> 00:04:33,939
when she found out about the Porsche.
109
00:04:33,941 --> 00:04:36,208
Do not be fooled
by my sweater.
110
00:04:36,210 --> 00:04:37,209
I am not flappy.
111
00:04:37,211 --> 00:04:39,778
I'm very flangry.
The good news is,
112
00:04:39,780 --> 00:04:41,546
Lainey,
I spoke to your father.
113
00:04:41,548 --> 00:04:42,848
I told him
all about his car
114
00:04:42,850 --> 00:04:45,417
and all about the kick-ass
Risky Business party.
115
00:04:45,419 --> 00:04:47,886
What?
How do you know about that?
116
00:04:48,088 --> 00:04:52,357
"List of stuff to get
for our kick-ass
Risky Business party
117
00:04:52,359 --> 00:04:54,226
"because Lainey's dad
is in Atlanta."
118
00:04:54,228 --> 00:04:55,861
Idiot!
Why'd you write it down?
119
00:04:55,863 --> 00:04:58,497
I'm a visual thinker.
Hush up!
120
00:04:58,565 --> 00:04:59,731
The good news is,
Lainey,
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00:04:59,733 --> 00:05:02,601
your dad agreed to let you
stay with us
until he gets back.
122
00:05:02,603 --> 00:05:06,338
That means I have six days
to fix your entire life.
123
00:05:06,340 --> 00:05:08,273
No way.
You have already
ruined our lives
124
00:05:08,275 --> 00:05:10,275
with your insane love.
You're not ruining
Lainey's, too.
125
00:05:10,277 --> 00:05:13,312
Please, she's hot rodding,
failing her classes,
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00:05:13,314 --> 00:05:14,980
spending time
with shady friends.
Hey!
127
00:05:14,982 --> 00:05:17,582
Showing questionable taste
in boys.
That's fair.
128
00:05:17,584 --> 00:05:18,684
Maybe this is all
a blessing in disguise.
129
00:05:18,686 --> 00:05:23,188
I really could use
some of your amazing
mom wisdom, Mrs. G.
130
00:05:23,190 --> 00:05:24,556
I mean,
I've always admired you
131
00:05:24,558 --> 00:05:25,590
and your
store-bought sweaters.
132
00:05:25,592 --> 00:05:28,226
Oh, no,
I made this myself.
What?
133
00:05:28,228 --> 00:05:31,930
You should be
a business owner
and a millionaire by now.
134
00:05:31,932 --> 00:05:35,434
See,
this makes me very flappy.
135
00:05:35,436 --> 00:05:36,468
You two learn from her.
136
00:05:36,470 --> 00:05:37,536
We're gonna have
so much fun.
137
00:05:37,538 --> 00:05:40,872
I'll show you how to make
my famous shrimp parm.
Have you heard of it?
138
00:05:40,874 --> 00:05:42,741
Of course you have.
It's famous.
139
00:05:42,743 --> 00:05:44,910
Duh, Beverly.
Yum.
140
00:05:44,912 --> 00:05:46,378
What is wrong with you?
141
00:05:46,380 --> 00:05:48,714
You never ask
for her mom wisdom ever.
142
00:05:48,716 --> 00:05:51,616
Chill.
I'm just telling her
what she wants to hear.
143
00:05:51,618 --> 00:05:52,317
Wow.
144
00:05:52,319 --> 00:05:54,086
So, the party's back on?
145
00:05:54,088 --> 00:05:54,619
Wow.
Whoo!
146
00:05:54,621 --> 00:05:56,221
I'm gonna go write a list
of things we need to get.
147
00:05:56,223 --> 00:05:57,556
Stop writing lists!
Learn from your mistakes!
148
00:05:57,558 --> 00:06:00,659
ADULT ADAM: While Erica and Barry were trying to outsmart my mom,
149
00:06:00,661 --> 00:06:04,029
I was outsmarting the phone company.
150
00:06:04,031 --> 00:06:05,931
(TELEPHONE RINGS)
151
00:06:06,033 --> 00:06:08,467
Hello?
FEMALE OPERATOR: You have a collect call from...
152
00:06:08,469 --> 00:06:11,970
Dana, I love you, my dad is
a putz, how was your day,
I want to kiss your...
153
00:06:11,972 --> 00:06:13,538
(DIAL TONE)
Adam?
154
00:06:13,540 --> 00:06:14,840
...face.
155
00:06:14,842 --> 00:06:16,141
Face!
156
00:06:16,143 --> 00:06:18,043
How will she know?
157
00:06:18,712 --> 00:06:19,644
But as fate would have it,
158
00:06:19,646 --> 00:06:23,882
a new advancement in phone technology would let me talk to Dana,
159
00:06:23,884 --> 00:06:26,518
and it was glorious.
160
00:06:26,520 --> 00:06:27,119
There it is.
161
00:06:27,121 --> 00:06:31,123
Behold the gem of the forbidden teacher's lounge.
162
00:06:31,125 --> 00:06:32,391
The fax machine.
163
00:06:32,393 --> 00:06:35,494
I know it's dangerous,
but Dana's worth the risk.
164
00:06:35,496 --> 00:06:37,362
She's my soul mate.
165
00:06:37,364 --> 00:06:38,430
Suit yourself, man.
166
00:06:38,432 --> 00:06:41,533
Dave Kim
likes 'em thick.
167
00:06:41,969 --> 00:06:42,667
It was the perfect plan.
168
00:06:42,669 --> 00:06:47,773
Dana would have my passionate love letter in her hands in mere seconds.
169
00:06:47,775 --> 00:06:49,441
Or hours.
What the...
170
00:06:49,443 --> 00:06:52,411
Turns out the fax totally sucked back then.
171
00:06:52,413 --> 00:06:54,045
Why are you so slow?
172
00:06:55,082 --> 00:06:56,148
Oh, wait,
that's the wrong way.
173
00:06:56,150 --> 00:06:59,384
It took me 10 minutes to send two frickin' pages,
174
00:06:59,386 --> 00:07:02,521
but I managed to escape without a trace.
175
00:07:02,523 --> 00:07:03,989
Oh, hell no.
176
00:07:03,991 --> 00:07:06,258
This is
the teacher's lounge.
177
00:07:06,260 --> 00:07:07,592
This place is sacred.
178
00:07:07,594 --> 00:07:11,263
So help me God,
you are in so much trouble.
179
00:07:11,265 --> 00:07:11,663
Oh.
180
00:07:11,665 --> 00:07:15,333
Someone took the tab
for my flier
for guitar lessons.
181
00:07:15,335 --> 00:07:16,468
Wow.
182
00:07:16,470 --> 00:07:19,871
You are so lucky this day
has turned around for me.
183
00:07:19,873 --> 00:07:20,739
(CHUCKLES)
184
00:07:20,741 --> 00:07:21,606
Oh, no, wait a minute.
I forgot.
185
00:07:21,608 --> 00:07:25,377
I did it myself
to get the ball rolling.
Damn it!
186
00:07:25,379 --> 00:07:27,879
You are in
so much trouble again.
187
00:07:29,650 --> 00:07:31,616
Hey, is it cool
if Anthony Balsamo's brother
188
00:07:31,618 --> 00:07:32,851
invites his frat
to the party?
189
00:07:32,853 --> 00:07:35,687
Dude, what part
of Risky Business party
don't you understand?
190
00:07:35,689 --> 00:07:38,690
My God,
it's gonna be awesome!
191
00:07:39,593 --> 00:07:40,091
Hello!
192
00:07:40,093 --> 00:07:42,194
Erica and Barry!
It's your mom!
193
00:07:42,196 --> 00:07:43,795
And, Lainey,
it's your mom for the week!
194
00:07:43,797 --> 00:07:47,599
Oh, no. She's here.
It's happening.
What's she doing here?
195
00:07:47,601 --> 00:07:49,134
Why is there
no color in your faces?
196
00:07:49,136 --> 00:07:49,935
I'm waving my arms.
197
00:07:49,937 --> 00:07:52,671
The start of every year,
my mom storms the school
198
00:07:52,673 --> 00:07:56,074
and demands that we get
the best teachers and classes.
199
00:07:56,076 --> 00:07:56,741
They call it...
200
00:07:56,743 --> 00:07:58,276
The demanding
of excellence.
201
00:07:58,278 --> 00:08:00,145
Oh, come on.
No one calls it that.
202
00:08:00,147 --> 00:08:04,115
Oh, sweet Lord.
It's the demanding
of excellence.
203
00:08:04,284 --> 00:08:05,617
Show no fear.
204
00:08:05,619 --> 00:08:07,419
Mom,
stop right there, okay?
205
00:08:07,421 --> 00:08:09,921
I told you I don't need
or want your help.
206
00:08:09,923 --> 00:08:10,989
Please take up tennis.
207
00:08:10,991 --> 00:08:13,525
Have a leisurely lunch
with a friend.
Just let us be.
208
00:08:13,527 --> 00:08:16,928
Oh, snuggle monkeys,
I'm not here for you.
209
00:08:16,930 --> 00:08:19,130
I'm here for Lainey.
Me?
210
00:08:19,132 --> 00:08:20,031
No, no. (LAUGHING)
211
00:08:20,033 --> 00:08:21,566
No, see, you can't just
walk in here
212
00:08:21,568 --> 00:08:24,269
demanding excellence
for other students.
213
00:08:24,271 --> 00:08:25,637
That's not
how school works.
214
00:08:25,639 --> 00:08:26,705
You can only parent
your own child.
215
00:08:26,707 --> 00:08:30,175
Oh, I'll parent
every damn child
in this school if I have to.
216
00:08:30,177 --> 00:08:32,611
Hell,
I'll even parent you.
217
00:08:32,613 --> 00:08:33,211
Don't parent me.
218
00:08:33,213 --> 00:08:34,980
Looks like you got
some color at the beach.
219
00:08:34,982 --> 00:08:36,381
Did you wear sunscreen?
Don't do that.
220
00:08:36,383 --> 00:08:38,049
Did you reapply
after you went in the water?
221
00:08:38,051 --> 00:08:39,317
Huh? Tell me.
I can't remember.
222
00:08:39,319 --> 00:08:41,119
I was having fun.
What about this apple?
223
00:08:41,121 --> 00:08:42,153
Did you wash it?
Yeah.
224
00:08:42,155 --> 00:08:44,022
Don't you lie to me.
It still has a sticker on it.
225
00:08:44,024 --> 00:08:47,726
Okay, damn it!
Just tell me what you want!
Just tell me!
226
00:08:47,728 --> 00:08:49,694
She's cheerleading
five days a week
227
00:08:49,696 --> 00:08:51,830
and yet you still
have her taking gym class.
228
00:08:51,832 --> 00:08:54,533
Okay, fine.
Want to have
study hall instead?
229
00:08:54,535 --> 00:08:56,101
Wait, for real?
Oh, yeah, sure.
230
00:08:56,103 --> 00:08:57,435
Keep being my mom.
Do it. Go.
231
00:08:57,437 --> 00:08:59,938
I also noticed
Lainey isn't cheer captain
232
00:08:59,940 --> 00:09:02,507
when she's clearly the most
talented dancer on the squad.
233
00:09:02,509 --> 00:09:06,278
I demand you make her captain,
and I want her
on top of the pyramid.
234
00:09:06,280 --> 00:09:09,748
Here's a list
of more demands.
Meet them.
235
00:09:11,652 --> 00:09:12,984
And wash that apple.
236
00:09:12,986 --> 00:09:16,521
My work is done here.
See you at dinner.
237
00:09:17,491 --> 00:09:18,990
What happened?
What did she do?
238
00:09:18,992 --> 00:09:22,260
I'm so angry
even though I don't have
any of the information.
239
00:09:22,262 --> 00:09:24,529
Chill.
It was actually awesome.
240
00:09:24,531 --> 00:09:26,531
She's gone.
You can drop the act now.
241
00:09:26,533 --> 00:09:27,065
It's not an act.
242
00:09:27,067 --> 00:09:29,200
No! Our mom is just
poisoning your mind
243
00:09:29,202 --> 00:09:31,069
with her endless well
of love and support.
244
00:09:31,071 --> 00:09:33,338
Yeah, I'm not seeing
how that's a bad thing.
245
00:09:33,340 --> 00:09:34,039
(SCOFFS)
246
00:09:34,041 --> 00:09:35,807
No,
where are you going?
247
00:09:35,809 --> 00:09:37,375
Cheer practice,
where I'm the captain.
248
00:09:37,377 --> 00:09:39,611
You can't leave.
We have a party to plan.
249
00:09:39,613 --> 00:09:41,446
Yeah, no party.
Not feeling it.
250
00:09:41,448 --> 00:09:43,815
Maybe some other time.
251
00:09:44,217 --> 00:09:45,717
What the hell
just happened?
252
00:09:45,719 --> 00:09:49,521
Did we just lose our kick-ass
Risky Business party?
253
00:09:49,523 --> 00:09:50,956
It's worse.
254
00:09:50,958 --> 00:09:53,291
We just lost Lainey.
255
00:09:55,862 --> 00:09:58,229
MR. GLASCOTT: Thanks
for coming in, Mr. Goldberg.
256
00:09:58,231 --> 00:10:01,399
Wanted to address this
teacher's lounge breach
head on.
257
00:10:01,401 --> 00:10:03,068
Couldn't this have been
a phone call?
258
00:10:03,070 --> 00:10:04,202
Believe me, I don't
want to be here either.
259
00:10:04,204 --> 00:10:06,938
After school,
I go to the mall
with my parrot
260
00:10:06,940 --> 00:10:09,174
and people
treat me with respect.
261
00:10:09,176 --> 00:10:12,310
Her name is
Feather Locklear.
Real head turner.
262
00:10:12,312 --> 00:10:14,412
Look, I'm sorry
I used the fax,
263
00:10:14,414 --> 00:10:16,181
but I just want
to reach my girlfriend.
264
00:10:16,183 --> 00:10:18,750
Again with the girlfriend!
Unbelievable!
265
00:10:18,752 --> 00:10:20,619
You're a guidance guy.
Guide him.
266
00:10:20,621 --> 00:10:23,054
Tell him long-distance
relationships don't work.
267
00:10:23,056 --> 00:10:24,489
I'm sorry,
I beg to differ.
268
00:10:24,491 --> 00:10:26,358
I've been in
a long-distance relationship
269
00:10:26,360 --> 00:10:27,993
for the past
seven years.
270
00:10:27,995 --> 00:10:29,160
BOTH: Really?
Yeah.
271
00:10:29,162 --> 00:10:31,796
Ellen lives in Tampa.
And I'm lucky, too,
272
00:10:31,798 --> 00:10:33,198
because Ellen
has a male roommate
273
00:10:33,200 --> 00:10:35,400
to keep an eye on her
when we're apart.
274
00:10:35,402 --> 00:10:36,568
She lives with a guy?
275
00:10:36,570 --> 00:10:38,236
Yeah, Todd.
He's a lifeguard,
276
00:10:38,238 --> 00:10:39,437
so he can totally
give her CPR
277
00:10:39,439 --> 00:10:41,506
if she ever gets
in any kind of trouble.
278
00:10:41,508 --> 00:10:42,741
He's a real stud.
(CHUCKLES)
279
00:10:42,743 --> 00:10:46,111
I mean, does he even
own a shirt?
(LAUGHS)
280
00:10:46,113 --> 00:10:47,646
See, Dad?
It can work.
281
00:10:47,648 --> 00:10:50,882
Okay, pay attention.
This might be helpful to you.
282
00:10:50,884 --> 00:10:55,220
Uh, this long-distance
girlfriend you got,
you see her much?
283
00:10:55,222 --> 00:10:56,554
Well, not since
she went to Paris.
284
00:10:56,556 --> 00:11:00,692
And of course,
Todd tagged along
because he speaks French.
285
00:11:00,694 --> 00:11:01,459
He's a good egg.
286
00:11:01,461 --> 00:11:03,695
It sounds like
she's with this Todd guy.
287
00:11:03,697 --> 00:11:04,896
(CHUCKLES)
No, no, no.
288
00:11:04,898 --> 00:11:08,133
She's taken his last name
for insurance purposes.
289
00:11:08,135 --> 00:11:10,201
Point is,
long-distance can work.
290
00:11:10,203 --> 00:11:13,571
I want to believe you,
but your story has some holes.
291
00:11:13,573 --> 00:11:15,607
Hey, don't flip
this back on me.
292
00:11:15,609 --> 00:11:17,909
You and Dana
are the ones on the rocks.
293
00:11:17,911 --> 00:11:20,879
Frankly, we used to gab
about you guys
in the teacher's lounge
294
00:11:20,881 --> 00:11:23,381
how we didn't think
your relationship had legs.
295
00:11:23,383 --> 00:11:24,482
You're both wrong.
296
00:11:24,484 --> 00:11:27,318
I may not be able
to call or fax Dana,
297
00:11:27,320 --> 00:11:29,087
but she will know
how I feel,
298
00:11:29,089 --> 00:11:31,790
even if it means
doing the unthinkable.
299
00:11:31,792 --> 00:11:35,660
Bro, you've come
to the right person
for love advice.
300
00:11:35,662 --> 00:11:36,227
Let's do this.
301
00:11:36,229 --> 00:11:37,862
ADULT ADAM: Without the phone or the fax,
302
00:11:37,864 --> 00:11:40,365
my only option was a musical love letter,
303
00:11:40,367 --> 00:11:43,234
written by my brother and starring me.
304
00:11:43,236 --> 00:11:44,769
Hey, sweet baby girl.
305
00:11:44,771 --> 00:11:45,904
I know we can't talk
on the phone,
306
00:11:45,906 --> 00:11:49,374
so I'm gonna
just let the music
speak for me.
307
00:11:49,376 --> 00:11:50,842
And I'll be speaking, too,
308
00:11:50,844 --> 00:11:53,278
'cause this jam
is written by Big Tasty.
309
00:11:53,280 --> 00:11:55,547
Ain't that right,
lil' yum yum?
310
00:11:55,549 --> 00:11:56,648
That's not my name,
girl.
311
00:11:56,650 --> 00:11:59,684
ADULT ADAM: While I was tarting to feel this was a bad idea,
312
00:11:59,686 --> 00:12:01,119
Lainey couldn't have felt more at home.
313
00:12:01,121 --> 00:12:04,989
So, then you're gonna
say to yourself,
"Hey, that's too much cheese."
314
00:12:04,991 --> 00:12:05,790
But you know what?
315
00:12:05,792 --> 00:12:07,425
It's never
too much cheese.
316
00:12:07,427 --> 00:12:11,096
God, this is so much better
than cold pizza every night.
317
00:12:11,098 --> 00:12:13,064
And I love that little note
you put in my lunch today.
318
00:12:13,066 --> 00:12:17,135
Well, I meant
every word of it,
my little snuggle monster.
319
00:12:17,137 --> 00:12:19,637
Yep, Lainey was happy to be a Goldberg,
320
00:12:19,639 --> 00:12:21,906
but the Goldbergs weren't so happy.
321
00:12:21,908 --> 00:12:23,908
It's like
there's two moms now.
322
00:12:23,910 --> 00:12:25,977
This is bad.
This is really bad.
323
00:12:25,979 --> 00:12:28,646
All I wanted was a kick-ass
Risky Business party
324
00:12:28,648 --> 00:12:31,716
and a free pass to Princeton.
Is that
too much to ask?
325
00:12:31,718 --> 00:12:32,984
Don't give up hope yet.
(SIGHS)
326
00:12:32,986 --> 00:12:36,020
It's time to bring out
the big guns.
327
00:12:36,022 --> 00:12:38,056
Tissue me.
328
00:12:39,092 --> 00:12:39,858
(CRYING)
329
00:12:39,860 --> 00:12:41,493
And then he said,
"Let's break up,"
330
00:12:41,495 --> 00:12:43,294
and I'm like,
"But I love you,"
331
00:12:43,296 --> 00:12:44,863
and he's like,
"I love you, too,
332
00:12:44,865 --> 00:12:45,830
"but I'm not in love
with you."
333
00:12:45,832 --> 00:12:51,770
I'm sorry, Lainey.
I just really need my mom's
full and undivided attention.
334
00:12:53,406 --> 00:12:56,474
Wow, it's so surprising
and unsettling to hear
335
00:12:56,476 --> 00:12:58,476
that you've had
a boyfriend all this time
336
00:12:58,478 --> 00:12:59,844
and none of us
knew about it.
337
00:12:59,846 --> 00:13:01,212
Say,
what was his name?
338
00:13:01,214 --> 00:13:02,914
(STAMMERING) His name?
Uh-huh.
339
00:13:02,916 --> 00:13:05,483
His, his name was, uh...
340
00:13:06,887 --> 00:13:07,619
Shrimpson.
341
00:13:07,621 --> 00:13:11,055
Shrimpson.
It's Dutch!
(CRYING)
342
00:13:11,057 --> 00:13:13,558
I'm sorry, Lainey.
Maybe you should go.
343
00:13:13,560 --> 00:13:14,159
No. No, no, no.
344
00:13:14,161 --> 00:13:16,661
You're just trying
to remove me
from her life
345
00:13:16,663 --> 00:13:20,198
just like
how you removed me
from yours.
346
00:13:20,200 --> 00:13:23,101
What? (SCOFFS)
How dare you.
347
00:13:23,103 --> 00:13:25,170
Good luck
with Mr. Shrimpsteen.
348
00:13:25,172 --> 00:13:27,272
It's Shrimpson!
349
00:13:27,274 --> 00:13:28,606
(CRYING)
350
00:13:28,608 --> 00:13:30,074
Okay,
what are you doing?
351
00:13:30,076 --> 00:13:32,343
Saving you.
From what?
352
00:13:32,345 --> 00:13:33,645
Your mom's cooking?
353
00:13:33,647 --> 00:13:35,680
Her sweet little notes?
Her support?
354
00:13:35,682 --> 00:13:36,714
Yeah, sure,
it seems nice now,
355
00:13:36,716 --> 00:13:39,684
but my mom loves us
more than any mom
loves her kids.
356
00:13:39,686 --> 00:13:42,453
I don't think
the problem here
is your mom.
357
00:13:42,455 --> 00:13:45,356
It's you.
You don't appreciate her.
358
00:13:45,358 --> 00:13:45,924
Fine.
359
00:13:45,926 --> 00:13:49,227
But don't say
I didn't warn you.
360
00:13:54,201 --> 00:13:55,567
Lainey.
361
00:13:56,670 --> 00:13:58,736
Come to temporary mommy.
362
00:13:58,738 --> 00:14:00,605
Lainey. Lainey!
363
00:14:03,743 --> 00:14:05,476
(TAPPING)
364
00:14:07,447 --> 00:14:10,048
Hi. (CHUCKLES)
What are you
doing here?
365
00:14:10,050 --> 00:14:11,149
In the middle
of the day?
366
00:14:11,151 --> 00:14:13,651
Oh, it's kind of my thing.
You'll see.
367
00:14:13,653 --> 00:14:15,887
I just wanted
to drop this off.
368
00:14:15,889 --> 00:14:17,121
SAT prep?
369
00:14:17,123 --> 00:14:19,023
Yeah, here's the thing.
I'm not going to college.
370
00:14:19,025 --> 00:14:21,526
What's that, now?
I want to be a dancer
in New York.
371
00:14:21,528 --> 00:14:24,128
Or Vegas,
whichever one's closer.
372
00:14:24,130 --> 00:14:24,662
Oh.
373
00:14:24,664 --> 00:14:27,532
That sounds fun.
But yeah,
you're going to college.
374
00:14:27,534 --> 00:14:28,700
I'm really not.
Oh, you are.
375
00:14:28,702 --> 00:14:32,070
I spoke to your father
about it, and he signed off.
376
00:14:32,072 --> 00:14:32,804
This is Raji.
377
00:14:32,806 --> 00:14:35,006
He'll be tutoring you
every day at study hall
378
00:14:35,008 --> 00:14:37,709
and Saturdays at 8:00 a.m.
When you're nice and fresh.
379
00:14:37,711 --> 00:14:39,878
I'll see you at dinner,
love bug.
380
00:14:41,181 --> 00:14:42,847
Your mom's very pushy.
381
00:14:42,849 --> 00:14:46,284
ADULT ADAM: As Lainey was starting to panic about her new smother,
382
00:14:46,286 --> 00:14:48,753
I was finishing my love jam.
383
00:14:48,755 --> 00:14:51,222
♪ Nothin' in between us
384
00:14:51,791 --> 00:14:54,492
♪ No distance can defeat us
385
00:14:54,494 --> 00:14:55,827
♪ Dat's love
386
00:14:55,829 --> 00:14:59,163
♪ Miles, inches, yards, feet
387
00:14:59,165 --> 00:15:02,567
♪ Fathoms in the oceans, kilometers on the street
388
00:15:02,569 --> 00:15:04,435
♪ He'd punch a stegosaurus
389
00:15:04,437 --> 00:15:06,271
♪ Jump the Grand Canyon
390
00:15:06,273 --> 00:15:08,072
♪ Karate kick Godzilla
391
00:15:08,074 --> 00:15:10,341
♪ Just to be your companion
392
00:15:10,343 --> 00:15:13,411
♪ Nothing in between... ♪
393
00:15:15,215 --> 00:15:16,581
It's bad, isn't it?
394
00:15:16,583 --> 00:15:17,815
It's not great.
395
00:15:17,817 --> 00:15:20,785
Well,
I've tried everything.
396
00:15:20,954 --> 00:15:22,186
You were right, Dad.
397
00:15:22,188 --> 00:15:25,156
Long distance
never works.
398
00:15:25,158 --> 00:15:27,058
You win.
399
00:15:27,360 --> 00:15:28,993
You know,
I seem to recall
400
00:15:28,995 --> 00:15:31,396
a certain
long-distance relationship
401
00:15:31,398 --> 00:15:32,563
that worked just fine.
402
00:15:32,565 --> 00:15:33,464
What are you
talking about?
403
00:15:33,466 --> 00:15:36,334
Those six months
you spent in ROTC
404
00:15:36,336 --> 00:15:37,068
away from Beverly.
405
00:15:37,070 --> 00:15:41,306
You know, when you called her
every single day.
406
00:15:41,308 --> 00:15:44,042
That was different.
I was an adult.
407
00:15:44,044 --> 00:15:45,009
Just 'cause he's a kid
408
00:15:45,011 --> 00:15:47,712
doesn't mean
his feelings aren't real.
409
00:15:47,714 --> 00:15:51,182
Trust me, Mur.
He loves that girl.
410
00:15:51,685 --> 00:15:54,619
♪ There's nothin' in between us
411
00:15:54,621 --> 00:15:56,621
♪ 'Cept love
412
00:15:56,623 --> 00:15:59,090
♪ And dinosaurs ♪
413
00:15:59,726 --> 00:16:00,825
ADULT ADAM:
While I had given up,
414
00:16:00,827 --> 00:16:03,861
Erica and Lainey were preparing to take on my mom.
415
00:16:03,863 --> 00:16:05,697
What have I done?
I unleashed the beast.
416
00:16:05,699 --> 00:16:07,832
Oh, this is not good.
You were right.
417
00:16:07,834 --> 00:16:09,400
This isn't a time for
"I told you so."
418
00:16:09,402 --> 00:16:11,836
It's a time for action,
and I told you so!
419
00:16:11,838 --> 00:16:14,272
I'll do whatever you say
to make it stop.
420
00:16:14,274 --> 00:16:15,606
There's only one way.
421
00:16:15,608 --> 00:16:17,108
She thinks that
she calls the shots,
422
00:16:17,110 --> 00:16:20,244
but you have to break
her heart and show her
that you do.
423
00:16:20,246 --> 00:16:23,314
May I suggest
throwing a kick-ass
"risky business" party?
424
00:16:23,316 --> 00:16:25,750
Can you stop eavesdropping
like a weirdo?
425
00:16:25,752 --> 00:16:29,153
I eavesdrop like a badass,
and you know it.
426
00:16:29,389 --> 00:16:30,555
The weirdo's right.
427
00:16:30,557 --> 00:16:33,257
The party is back on.
Yes!
428
00:16:33,259 --> 00:16:33,858
GIRL: Whoo!
429
00:16:33,860 --> 00:16:36,761
Within three hours, Lainey's house was jumping.
430
00:16:36,763 --> 00:16:37,562
A little too much.
431
00:16:37,564 --> 00:16:41,099
The TV was stolen, furniture was danced upon,
432
00:16:41,101 --> 00:16:42,834
the record player was pizza'd.
433
00:16:42,836 --> 00:16:44,535
Also, this lady showed up.
434
00:16:44,537 --> 00:16:47,138
Hey, we wanted
"risky business," right?
435
00:16:47,140 --> 00:16:48,239
Yeah,
but not this much.
436
00:16:48,241 --> 00:16:50,842
I think there are actual
you-know-what-stitutes here.
437
00:16:50,844 --> 00:16:54,846
Even the nice geeks at school got swept up in the madness
438
00:16:54,848 --> 00:16:57,849
and decided to let loose.
439
00:16:58,284 --> 00:17:00,018
(SLOW-MOTION) No!
440
00:17:00,020 --> 00:17:03,721
Unfortunately, they let loose an MVP football trophy
441
00:17:03,723 --> 00:17:05,723
Lainey's dad had won in college.
442
00:17:05,725 --> 00:17:07,125
This party needed a hero.
443
00:17:07,127 --> 00:17:10,862
And tonight, it wasn't Tom Cruise.
444
00:17:11,464 --> 00:17:12,263
And...
445
00:17:12,265 --> 00:17:14,732
It wasn't Barry Goldberg.
446
00:17:14,734 --> 00:17:16,701
It was my mom.
447
00:17:16,703 --> 00:17:19,604
Turns out the only thing worse than an insane party
448
00:17:19,606 --> 00:17:22,273
is an insanely mad smother.
449
00:17:22,275 --> 00:17:26,577
It was 1:00 a.m., and the party was still raging.
450
00:17:26,579 --> 00:17:27,178
So was my mom.
451
00:17:27,180 --> 00:17:30,848
I have failed as a mother
and as a temporary mother.
452
00:17:30,850 --> 00:17:31,482
Shame on you.
453
00:17:31,484 --> 00:17:35,019
Lying, sneaking out,
betraying my trust.
454
00:17:35,021 --> 00:17:36,054
I mean, come... Oh.
455
00:17:36,056 --> 00:17:38,956
My God.
Thank you for coming.
456
00:17:39,626 --> 00:17:40,425
I'm so sorry.
457
00:17:40,427 --> 00:17:42,927
Oh.
Save us from ourselves.
458
00:17:42,929 --> 00:17:43,327
Shh.
459
00:17:43,329 --> 00:17:46,631
Everything's gonna be
all right. Mama will fix it.
460
00:17:46,633 --> 00:17:47,265
(CHUCKLES)
461
00:17:47,267 --> 00:17:51,269
Just let me soak in this hug
for one more moment.
462
00:17:51,271 --> 00:17:52,303
And then the fixing began,
463
00:17:52,305 --> 00:17:55,873
as my mom made the coolest party painfully uncool.
464
00:17:55,875 --> 00:17:58,042
I know I told you
never to Tom Cruise the floor,
465
00:17:58,044 --> 00:18:01,612
but sometimes you just got to
say, "what the (BLEEP)"
466
00:18:01,614 --> 00:18:04,782
(INTRO TO BOB SEGER'S
OLD TIME ROCK AND ROLL PLAYS)
467
00:18:04,784 --> 00:18:05,850
(VOLUME INCREASES)
468
00:18:05,852 --> 00:18:09,220
(LIP-SYNCHING)
♪ Just take those old records off the shelf
469
00:18:09,222 --> 00:18:11,456
Turns out it actually comes in handy
470
00:18:11,458 --> 00:18:13,825
to have a smother so embarrassing
471
00:18:13,827 --> 00:18:14,859
that she can clear out a party.
472
00:18:14,861 --> 00:18:18,696
But in that moment, my brother and sister realized that Lainey was right.
473
00:18:18,698 --> 00:18:21,199
♪ I like that old time rock and roll ♪
474
00:18:21,201 --> 00:18:22,100
It's not so bad having a mom
475
00:18:22,102 --> 00:18:25,169
willing to risk everything for her kids...
476
00:18:25,171 --> 00:18:27,638
(CRASHES)
I'm okay.
477
00:18:27,640 --> 00:18:32,176
...and when the smoke clears, clean up their mess.
478
00:18:32,178 --> 00:18:34,045
Thank you for staying.
479
00:18:34,047 --> 00:18:36,547
It was
pretty cool of you.
480
00:18:36,549 --> 00:18:37,782
Look.
481
00:18:37,784 --> 00:18:41,686
I know I got carried away
with Lainey.
482
00:18:41,688 --> 00:18:43,187
(CHUCKLES)
483
00:18:43,189 --> 00:18:44,088
It's just...
484
00:18:44,090 --> 00:18:48,459
I loved having someone
who was willing to listen.
485
00:18:49,028 --> 00:18:52,296
Someone who's not always
pushing me away.
486
00:18:52,298 --> 00:18:56,434
And I know you
love us more
than anything.
487
00:18:56,436 --> 00:18:59,137
And we
appreciate it.
488
00:18:59,806 --> 00:19:00,438
We really do.
489
00:19:00,440 --> 00:19:02,707
So maybe you won't
push me away as much?
490
00:19:02,709 --> 00:19:05,643
Depends if you won't
get carried away so much.
491
00:19:05,645 --> 00:19:08,546
Yeah,
both aren't gonna happen.
492
00:19:08,548 --> 00:19:09,881
(CHUCKLES)
493
00:19:09,883 --> 00:19:11,983
For now.
494
00:19:13,520 --> 00:19:15,620
That's the amazing thing about parents.
495
00:19:15,622 --> 00:19:17,788
No matter how hard you push them away,
496
00:19:17,790 --> 00:19:18,723
they'll never let you go.
497
00:19:18,725 --> 00:19:22,026
And sometimes, they give you just the push you need.
498
00:19:22,028 --> 00:19:23,427
What you writing?
499
00:19:23,429 --> 00:19:25,730
It's called
a break-up letter.
500
00:19:25,732 --> 00:19:26,364
Put your pen down.
501
00:19:26,366 --> 00:19:28,799
You don't have to break up
with what's-her-face.
502
00:19:28,801 --> 00:19:30,468
Her name is...
Dana, yes.
503
00:19:30,470 --> 00:19:32,937
I know.
I know. I know.
504
00:19:32,939 --> 00:19:33,538
(SIGHS)
505
00:19:33,540 --> 00:19:35,840
How about
if I let you
call her again?
506
00:19:35,842 --> 00:19:36,574
Wait. Seriously?
507
00:19:36,576 --> 00:19:38,676
Ten minutes a night.
Will that work?
508
00:19:38,678 --> 00:19:40,111
Really?
Ten minutes.
509
00:19:40,113 --> 00:19:41,612
Not a second more.
I mean it.
510
00:19:41,614 --> 00:19:43,014
I got a stopwatch
in the drawer.
511
00:19:43,016 --> 00:19:45,449
You said
long distance was impossible.
512
00:19:45,451 --> 00:19:46,450
Yeah, well,
I remembered
513
00:19:46,452 --> 00:19:48,786
that I actually knew a guy
who pulled it off.
514
00:19:48,788 --> 00:19:49,754
Really?
Yeah.
515
00:19:49,756 --> 00:19:52,490
No matter how far away
the girl was, he loved her,
516
00:19:52,492 --> 00:19:54,725
and that's all
that mattered.
517
00:19:54,794 --> 00:19:55,927
I love Dana.
518
00:19:55,929 --> 00:19:57,328
I... I really do.
519
00:19:57,330 --> 00:19:59,397
Well, then,
make that call.
520
00:19:59,399 --> 00:20:01,132
But 10 minutes only.
521
00:20:01,134 --> 00:20:02,967
♪ Left, right, left
522
00:20:02,969 --> 00:20:05,937
♪ We all fall down
523
00:20:05,939 --> 00:20:06,504
♪ All fall down
524
00:20:06,506 --> 00:20:08,072
There, I see it.
Halley's Comet.
525
00:20:08,074 --> 00:20:10,241
♪ Like toy soldiers My God, so cool.
526
00:20:10,243 --> 00:20:11,609
Did you see it?
527
00:20:11,611 --> 00:20:12,710
Yeah, I did.
528
00:20:12,712 --> 00:20:14,245
Oh, my God,
that was amazing.
529
00:20:14,247 --> 00:20:15,947
You know
what the best part was?
530
00:20:15,949 --> 00:20:17,348
What?
531
00:20:17,350 --> 00:20:18,115
I saw it with you.
532
00:20:18,117 --> 00:20:20,585
ADULT ADAM: It was a night I'd remember forever.
533
00:20:20,587 --> 00:20:23,054
Sure, Dana and I were 3,000 miles away,
534
00:20:23,056 --> 00:20:24,355
but we never felt closer.
535
00:20:24,357 --> 00:20:27,558
And even though my dad said he couldn't afford our love,
536
00:20:27,560 --> 00:20:28,593
in the end, he knew
537
00:20:28,595 --> 00:20:32,296
there's just some things in life you can't put a price on.
538
00:20:32,298 --> 00:20:35,499
BEVERLY: Adam,
get off the roof.
You'll break your neck.
539
00:20:35,501 --> 00:20:39,036
♪ Only emptiness remains
540
00:20:39,806 --> 00:20:41,939
(OFF-KEY)
♪ Step by step
541
00:20:41,941 --> 00:20:43,708
♪ Heart to heart
542
00:20:43,710 --> 00:20:45,343
♪ Left, right, left
543
00:20:45,345 --> 00:20:49,380
♪ We'll all fall down
544
00:20:49,382 --> 00:20:52,750
♪ Like toy soldiers ♪
545
00:20:52,752 --> 00:20:54,685
I'll be your boyfriend.
546
00:20:54,687 --> 00:20:55,920
Yeah, I'll be your boyfriend,
okay?
547
00:20:55,922 --> 00:20:59,624
Don't you see we're young?
It doesn't matter what we do.
548
00:20:59,626 --> 00:21:01,058
(BELCHES)
549
00:21:05,465 --> 00:21:07,865
Did you
just take a tab?
550
00:21:07,867 --> 00:21:08,633
Oh, my God.
551
00:21:08,635 --> 00:21:10,434
Oh, my God,
you have no idea
552
00:21:10,436 --> 00:21:12,370
how long I've waited
for this moment.
553
00:21:12,372 --> 00:21:13,304
Yeah,
I just wanted to...
554
00:21:13,306 --> 00:21:16,340
Learn how to shred the axe?
You will.
555
00:21:17,010 --> 00:21:18,876
Oh.
You just wanted to...
556
00:21:18,878 --> 00:21:21,145
It lost
its minty flavor.
557
00:21:24,117 --> 00:21:25,883
Wait a minute.
558
00:21:25,885 --> 00:21:28,185
Ellen is with Todd.
559
00:21:28,885 --> 00:21:30,185
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