All language subtitles for S05E23 Craigs Will

Good evening.

I have some advice

for those of you who want to be performers.

Don't blindly answer
an advertisement.

How was I to know that they call themselves

the Doheny Brothers?

That is Ship.

That's Towser,

and this is Bounce.

All right.
And I'm Spot.

You have no idea what I've
been through this week.

Jumping through hoops,

They're jealous
because I can stand

on my hind legs
better than they.

It's the only
trick I do well.

Ours is a difficult
act to follow,

but I know someone who is
just foolhardy enough to try.

After which, we shall
have tonight's play.

I see...

You had this compulsion to become rich.

Go on.

Of course,
in these days,

the only way a girl can
become a millionaire,

if she doesn't inherit
the money, is to marry it.

But the only millionaire in
Craigsville was old Wilbur Craig.

So my problem was,

how does a deserving
young girl

pry loose all that money
from a rich, old coot?

Well, the first thing he did
to simplify matters for me,

was to die.

"...and so, having amassed a
fortune which I leave, reluctantly,

"I, Wilbur Orville Craig,
being of sound mind,

"do hereby make my last
will and testament."

Old Wilbur not only
left all those millions,

but the next nice
thing he did for me,

was to leave only
one surviving relative.

Not bad looking,
not too smart,

but best of all,
unmarried.

"Next, to my faithful
housekeeper, Martha Henderson,

"who has served me well,

"even though she has been
taking a seven and a half percent

"kickback from the grocer and
the butcher for the last 32 years,

"I give $10,000 and 1,000
shares of Craig Coal and Coke."

Oh, he was a kind
and good man.

Mr. Craig, will you sit down
and stop looking so happy?

Let's try and remember that
this is the reading of a will.

Oh, I... I'm sorry.

Don't see why we have
to all be such killjoys.

"And as to the bulk
of my estate,

"consisting of more
than $800,000 in cash

"as well as the securities
and properties listed below,

"this I leave in trust for the
one who has meant the most to me,

"one whose high spirits have
brightened these last days,

"but was always there
when I called,

"my ever faithful,
Casper."

Casper?

But you can't leave
a fortune to a dog!

That's true. I can't.

But your uncle
could and did.

And believe me, this
document is absolutely legal.

But I've been planning.

He's just a dog!

A dog can't...

Wait a minute.

Casper's got to
have a guardian.

I mean, somebody's got to take care of him.

I mean, like, who's going to
help him with his income tax?

I'm coming to that.

Casper's guardian and the
administrator of this trust

is declared to be
my butler, Sam Loomis.

Loomis?

But he hasn't forgotten
you, Mr. Craig.

I'll say he hasn't.

He's remembered everything
I did in my entire life

that he didn't
approve of.

Which was everything.

Yes.

The income from the trust is to be
used for Casper's shelter and comfort

and the maintenance
of the Craig mansion

as a suitable home and
cultural background for the dog.

At Casper's death,

the estate will pass
into the hands

of my only surviving
relative, Thomas Craig.

Oh, that's
very nice of him.

But I need it now.

I'm sorry, Mr. Craig, but all that
your uncle's will provides for you

at this time
is one dollar

and the right to room and
board here in the mansion.

Thanks a lot, Unc.

But I'll take it.
And the buck, too.

And that finishes
the reading of the will.

Man's best friend.

What've you got
to beg about?

Tom had
good reason to worry.

He was now faced with a loss
even more disastrous than money.

Me!

Well?

Let's have a drink.

All right.

Did they all put on
those phony tears?

Tell me about it.

I want to hear
everything.

Everything?

Well, there's really
not much to tell.

All right, we don't have
to be hypocrites about it.

You can skip
the details.

Just tell me how much we're drinking to.

Well, that's really hard to say,

I know there are lawyer's
fees and inheritance taxes,

but you can make
a rough guess.

Yeah, but it won't be a
guess, and it's pretty rough.

Tom, how much
did he leave you?

One dollar.

One what?

I don't believe you.

But he wouldn't dare! You're
his only living relative.

This is almost...

What did he do
with all that money?

Who did he
leave it to?

His dog.

His dog?

But that's crazy!

He can't do that!
You'll protest it.

He was obviously
insane when he...

No, I can't,
and he wasn't.

And it's all
absolutely legal.

Oh, this is
despicable!

That vicious old man leaving
everything to a vicious old dog.

That's one of the problems, honey.

The dog
isn't very old.

What do you mean?

Well, I do
inherit everything,

but only after
the dog dies.

After he dies?

Well, then Tom,

honey, darling, sweetheart,
what's the problem?

The problem is, the dog
is only two years old.

With good care
he can live to be 16.

Oh, I can see you must've been
through an awful lot today.

You must be very tired, 'cause
my honey's not thinking straight.

Huh?

Maybe he could live to
be 16 with good care.

But how long
with a little bad care?

Hmm?

Oh, no,
I couldn't do that.

That would be murder!

Oh, no, honey. A nasty,
mean old animal like that?

He's just a dog.

But he's
a living creature.

And he is kind of
a friendly mutt.

I know, darling, I know.

But...

It wasn't
too difficult.

I was asking
for so little.

After all, Cleopatra made Julius
Caesar give her the throne of Egypt.

How could Tom Craig refuse
to kill a mere dog for me?

The plan was
brilliantly simple.

What could be more natural than a
man going out hunting with a dog?

A hunting accident.

Of course, Tom wouldn't be bringing
home what he was going to kill.

Casper, you're a good hunting dog.

You found
a good place.

All right, sit.
Sit, Casper, sit.

Now stay.

No, look, Casper.
Over there, not here.

Never mind. I'll go over
there. You stay here.

Stay.

Now, stay.

Stay.

Oh! It's a dog!

Oh, I'm sorry,
friend. Howdy?

Uh, you baggin'
anything?

Uh, no, not much
around here.

Hear tell, there's a lot of game
up north of the hollow there.

Oh, maybe I'll try
over there.

Say, are you huntin'
with that dog?

Well, sure, why not?

Well, it's all right,
I guess,

except I never figured that
breed for a hunting dog.

Oh, I'm told he has a
touch of hound in him.

I see.

Well, maybe I'll try
north of the hollow.

I know it took
a lot of courage

for Tom
to pull that trigger...

But he was
doing it for me.

And as I waited, that fortune so close now,

it seemed an eternity.

But then...

You missed?

You see any blood?

What happened?

Let's get outta here! This place
is full of trigger-happy hunters!

Now, don't be upset.

We mustn't be discouraged because
something went wrong the first time.

We can very easily
find another...

Oh, no. No.
I've had it.

I couldn't have pulled that
trigger in the first place.

Besides, look,
I almost got killed.

And you know why? Because
I was doing something wrong.

Oh, I knew it from the very beginning.

No, it's not right,
he's a nice dog,

and as far
as I'm concerned,

he can die in his
own good time.

But, darling,
sweetheart,

my angel...

No.

No!

I don't know how you could have asked me to

do such a thing
in the first place.

Oh, you're right, dear.

I don't know
what came over me.

How could I possibly think that you
could hurt such a darling animal?

We were just being selfish and...

We'll forget
the whole thing.

Yeah?

Oh, gee, honey. I'm glad you feel that way,

but let's forget it
someplace else.

Forget it?
A fortune?

Just because he was obviously
suffering from a hormone deficiency?

I wouldn't even tell him
what I had in mind now.

After all, Madame du
Barry got what she wanted,

and not by telling
Louis everything.

Well, I hear ya, doll, but
just where do I figure in this?

Well, to be perfectly blunt, Mr. Noonan...

Now you're talkin'.

I want you to
dispose of Casper.

Well, uh,
I'll tell ya, angel.

I mean, it's a little
outta my line.

Like it would
be a snap

if you wanted me to follow
this dog or rough him up

or maybe get some
pictures of him in a motel.

But knockin' him off...

Why? It's not as if I was
asking you to kill a person.

Well, no, but this
is a well-known mutt.

He's an heir and...

Mr. Noonan, I was told that
you didn't mind doing things

that are a little beyond
private investigating.

Well...

I came to you
in good faith

and told you things I had
no business telling anyone.

You can't back
out on me now.

I ain't backing out,
baby. I never drove in.

No, I'm sorry.

I'm willing to
pay you $1,000.

One thousand?
Just to erase a dog?

Plus expenses?

Plus expenses.
When can you start?

I started already.

Why didn't you tell me you had
it in mind to be so generous?

No, this has got to
look like an accident.

Anything you say.

And, uh, by the way,

I don't think
it would be necessary

to upset my fianc� with any
of these details, do you?

Oh, no. No, no.

It's just between you and
me. And, of course, the dog.

By the way...
Yeah?

You don't like dogs,
do you?

Only hot
and on a bun.

It was up to me to get
Noonan into the house,

where he could do what he had
to without looking suspicious.

You're sure now that Cousin
Vincent won't be in the way?

You know, my place is so small.

Oh, don't give it
a second thought.

Any cousin of Judy's
is a cousin of mine.

Or they will be.

Oh, Loomis!

I'll go find Loomis.

He can take your bag up
and show you your room.

Oh, thanks, thanks.

Say, I don't blame you
being angry at that mutt...

Keepin' you from
all this stuff.

Ah, he's friendly. Then
it'll make it even easier.

Get down! You're getting'
hair all over my flannels.

Come on, beat it!

Loomis, this
is Mr. Noonan.

He'll be staying
with us for a while.

How do you do, sir?
Will you be with us long?

Well, I expect to wind up my
business in a couple of days.

I, uh, hope to make
a quick killing,

then blow!

Hello, there, boy.

Nice dog
you got there.

Noonan
was very thorough.

He gave a great deal
of thought to the method

by which he would help
Casper to a lovely accident.

Now, look,

don't give me any of that
phony personality stuff.

That don't cut no...
Casper?

Casper!
Oh, there you are.

Would you like to
have your dinner

in the library tonight
with Mr. Noonan?

Good evening, sir. Good
evening, good evening.

Uh, steaks for the dog?

Filet mignon, prime. He gets
one every night. He loves it.

What's not to love?

This was not
as simple an assignment

as Noonan thought
it was going to be.

I guess good things
never come easily.

I think warm
is a better word.

This house is so
comfortably furnished,

all these beautiful
marble fireplaces,

even the sweet pup.

By the way, Loomis,
where is Casper?

He's having his after-dinner nap, Miss.

Oh, did he have
his dinner already, huh?

Yes, sir.

Uh, Cousin Vincent,

my Tommy is a hard-working man now,

but, uh, I'll bet
he's finding out,

earning a weekly
paycheck is no picnic.

Oh, no, honey,

you know, I'm beginning to find out

that coal and coke is a
pretty interesting business.

Besides, we're going
to need the money

if we get married
next month.

Say, Vincent, can you
stay on for the wedding?

Well, I don't know.

My business has
just about wound up.

Say, Loomis, I don't know what kind of
sauce you put on this meat, but it's great.

Whatever it is,
it's just great.

Yes, Loomis, these meatballs are wonderful.

Meatballs?

You two eatin'
meatballs?

Yes, sir. I talked it over with Mr. Tommy.

Yesterday you expressed
a desire for steak

and I didn't have
time to shop,

so we decided
that Casper tonight,

can do without
his filet mignon.

Well, that's really
swell of you two guys.

Filet mignon?

How do you feel
now, Vince?

Better, I think.

Gee, I wonder what
could have caused it.

Must have been somethin'
I ate... I mean, yesterday.

Well, the doctor says
you're out of danger,

but I better get this
prescription filled anyway.

Honey, will you stay
with him till I get back?

I'll stay with him.

Mind if I let
Casper in?

Poor fella's been sitting
outside worrying about you.

All right,
let him in.

You!

What do you mean,
him? You!

You've been here
almost a week now

and the closest
you can come

to getting rid of that animal
is almost killing yourself!

I could have hired a moron and
gotten somebody with more brains.

Look who's on my side.

Well, he ought to be,
the way you've been

taking such good
care of him.

I'm just about fed up.

Now do you want that
$1,000 or don't you?

Sure!

Then he better be out of
my life and by tomorrow!

And I don't care
how you do it.

Push him off a cliff,
drown him.

Drown him?

I thought you wanted something
more than that for $1,000.

Something with imagination.

I suppose I can
make it look accidental.

Then do it!

Okay.

Now, look, Casper.

It... It's true I don't
know very much about dogs,

but I guess as dogs go
you're pretty much all right.

Uh, you mustn't
take this personal,

but what's gotta be
has gotta be.

I mean, it's like as if
the syndicate sent a guy up.

It's strictly business.

Personally, you're
not hard to take,

but 1,000 bucks is easier. You understand?

I see...
Yes, sir. Goodbye.

Well,
good morning, miss.

Did they find him?

I'm afraid not, miss.

That was Mr. Tommy. He
should be back any minute.

And Casper wasn't at the dog pound either.

Oh, that is too bad.

If you'll excuse me, miss, I'd like to
take one more look around the neighborhood.

You just do
that little thing.

Noonan, it worked.

Are you kiddin'?

That dog saved my life.

He saved my life.

And anybody that wants to kill
him has to do it over my dead body!

But you've got to,
you promised!

You can keep
your 1,000 bucks.

Then I'll kill
him myself!

Judy!

Tom, darling,

I'm glad you're here.

See, Casper's here
and he's all right.

Tom?

Don't look at me like that, darling.

I was only trying
to do it for us.

After all, you said yourself you wanted us

to spend our honeymoon
on our own yacht,

cruising through
the Mediterranean.

Well, we can't do it if
the dog's got all our money.

Darling? Sweetheart?

Lover...

I could see that Tom no longer loved me.

But Casper did.

And that's when
it came to me.

The one simple plan that
could still make me rich!

And that was?

To become a dog
and marry Casper.

I lost
the rest of my act.

Their uncle died and
left them a small fortune,

so they retired.

Now that you have
seen "Craig's Will"

listen to this codicil,

after which,
I shall return.

After the humiliations we've
experienced this evening,

I think it's time man
reasserted his superiority

over animals.

Until next week,
good night.