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1
00:00:04,868 --> 00:00:07,934
[ Siren wailing ]
2
00:00:12,834 --> 00:00:14,601
It says, "praise allah!"
3
00:00:14,701 --> 00:00:16,100
Good morning!
4
00:00:16,200 --> 00:00:19,200
We are from the department
Of homeland security.
5
00:00:19,300 --> 00:00:21,868
My name is
Captain duane hernandez.
6
00:00:21,968 --> 00:00:25,334
This is my assistant,
Lieutenant susie kim.
7
00:00:25,434 --> 00:00:29,534
In one week, you will be given
An exam on homeland security,
8
00:00:29,634 --> 00:00:31,167
And you will all pass.
9
00:00:31,267 --> 00:00:33,968
The chemicals wash down
The body,
10
00:00:34,067 --> 00:00:36,934
Flowing away
From the vital organs.
11
00:00:37,033 --> 00:00:39,267
I'm dirty.
I want to go in there.
12
00:00:39,367 --> 00:00:43,334
I'm sort of more studying duane
And his physique
13
00:00:43,434 --> 00:00:47,634
Than i have so much the
Terrorist aspect of things.
14
00:00:47,734 --> 00:00:49,601
Go. Go, go, go, go.
15
00:00:49,701 --> 00:00:52,200
Well, we've been smelling
This noxious fume all day.
16
00:00:52,300 --> 00:00:54,133
I think what we've got
Is bioterrorism.
17
00:00:54,234 --> 00:00:55,667
We all
In the same ballpark?
18
00:00:55,767 --> 00:00:58,133
We're gonna need
A hazmat team.
19
00:00:58,234 --> 00:00:59,467
Call washington.
20
00:00:59,567 --> 00:01:01,234
Wiegel: oh, my god!
21
00:01:04,501 --> 00:01:06,334
[ Siren wailing ]
22
00:01:07,834 --> 00:01:09,534
[ Tires screech ]
23
00:01:09,634 --> 00:01:12,834
Oh-ho! Ohh-h-h!
24
00:01:18,133 --> 00:01:20,334
Aah! Aah! Aah!
25
00:01:20,434 --> 00:01:22,467
Hey, dog. Yeah.
26
00:01:28,534 --> 00:01:30,801
Ho! Ho! Ho!
27
00:01:40,901 --> 00:01:42,834
[ Siren wailing ]
28
00:01:48,834 --> 00:01:51,767
Wiegel, i need a visual
Surveillance of the perimeter
29
00:01:51,868 --> 00:01:53,067
And all the quadrants.
30
00:01:53,167 --> 00:01:54,534
We need the hazmat team.
31
00:01:54,634 --> 00:01:56,667
What we need to do
Is call washington.
32
00:01:56,767 --> 00:01:59,033
I will get on the phone
With washington.
33
00:01:59,133 --> 00:02:02,501
Guys, it's just a skunk.
34
00:02:03,501 --> 00:02:06,067
[ Bleep ]
Damn it.
35
00:02:06,167 --> 00:02:07,367
Confirmation -- skunk.
36
00:02:07,467 --> 00:02:09,367
Air quality bad.
Let's get down.
37
00:02:09,467 --> 00:02:12,200
We're gonna fill it up with
Water from the fire hose
38
00:02:12,300 --> 00:02:13,601
And flood him out.
39
00:02:13,701 --> 00:02:15,634
No, that only happens
In cartoons, garcia.
40
00:02:15,734 --> 00:02:19,000
The best way to draw it out is
To pretend like we're sleeping.
41
00:02:19,100 --> 00:02:22,434
The skunk's gonna want to come
Out as if -- so he can leave,
42
00:02:22,534 --> 00:02:24,868
And then as soon as --
We pounce on him.
43
00:02:24,968 --> 00:02:28,367
Let's just shoot it.
44
00:02:28,467 --> 00:02:29,601
Yeah.
45
00:02:29,701 --> 00:02:32,400
We've all got guns.
I don't know why we --
46
00:02:32,501 --> 00:02:35,501
Oh, oh, oh, oh.
47
00:02:35,601 --> 00:02:36,534
Captain.
48
00:02:36,634 --> 00:02:38,067
What's the situation?
49
00:02:38,167 --> 00:02:40,868
There's a skunk, sir.
There's a skunk.
50
00:02:40,968 --> 00:02:42,267
A skunk?
Yes.
51
00:02:42,367 --> 00:02:44,801
Okay. What do you propose
To do about it?
52
00:02:44,901 --> 00:02:48,067
Well, i proposed that we get
In there and shoot it --
53
00:02:48,167 --> 00:02:49,434
Kill it.
54
00:02:49,534 --> 00:02:52,767
Let me ask a question.
This is open to anyone.
55
00:02:52,868 --> 00:02:56,467
Are you familiar with the
Concept of yin and yang?
56
00:02:56,567 --> 00:03:00,234
Yeah, there's the black thing
And the white thing,
57
00:03:00,334 --> 00:03:02,801
And they kind of look
Like sperm.
58
00:03:02,901 --> 00:03:04,467
Very good. Very good.
59
00:03:04,567 --> 00:03:06,968
There is a positive and
A negative in life,
60
00:03:07,067 --> 00:03:10,667
And sometimes you capture --
61
00:03:10,767 --> 00:03:15,734
You capture more with honey
Than with violence.
62
00:03:15,834 --> 00:03:17,334
Do you understand?
63
00:03:17,434 --> 00:03:18,400
Mm-hmm.
64
00:03:18,501 --> 00:03:20,067
It's a skunk.
65
00:03:20,167 --> 00:03:21,834
Is it striped?
66
00:03:21,934 --> 00:03:23,501
It's striped.
67
00:03:23,601 --> 00:03:25,934
It's a striped skunk?
68
00:03:26,033 --> 00:03:28,400
[ Chittering ]
69
00:03:44,067 --> 00:03:46,000
[ Chittering continues ]
70
00:03:46,100 --> 00:03:48,234
She's female...In estrus.
71
00:03:48,334 --> 00:03:51,601
She's just being frisky,
That's all.
72
00:03:51,701 --> 00:03:54,067
There's no need to shoot it.
73
00:03:54,167 --> 00:03:55,868
I -- i apologize.
74
00:03:55,968 --> 00:03:58,000
It's okay.
75
00:03:58,100 --> 00:04:00,534
Give me five.
76
00:04:00,634 --> 00:04:02,534
Push-ups.
77
00:04:02,634 --> 00:04:04,033
Five.
78
00:04:05,834 --> 00:04:07,868
You're a good man.
79
00:04:07,968 --> 00:04:09,367
Wiegel: thank you, duane.
80
00:04:09,467 --> 00:04:11,400
Shh.
81
00:04:11,501 --> 00:04:13,400
Wow, huh?
82
00:04:13,501 --> 00:04:15,934
That's duane.
83
00:04:16,033 --> 00:04:17,667
I've been really impressed
84
00:04:17,767 --> 00:04:20,467
With the conduct of the
Homeland security officers.
85
00:04:20,567 --> 00:04:23,834
[ Clears throat ]
86
00:04:23,934 --> 00:04:26,434
Duane hernandez.
87
00:04:26,534 --> 00:04:28,200
I look at that man,
88
00:04:28,300 --> 00:04:32,601
And i want to put on an apron
And fry up some eggs,
89
00:04:32,701 --> 00:04:36,701
And i want to learn everything
He has to teach.
90
00:04:36,801 --> 00:04:40,634
"Teach me, teacher.
Take me to school.
91
00:04:40,734 --> 00:04:43,033
Let me serve detention."
92
00:04:43,133 --> 00:04:46,767
I will follow him
Wherever he goes.
93
00:04:46,868 --> 00:04:50,267
I will hit that
Before he leaves.
94
00:04:50,367 --> 00:04:51,334
Oh, hell.
95
00:04:51,434 --> 00:04:52,734
How you doing?
96
00:04:52,834 --> 00:04:54,267
I'm doing okay.
97
00:04:54,367 --> 00:04:55,534
How are you?
98
00:04:55,634 --> 00:04:57,000
I'm not so good,
99
00:04:57,100 --> 00:05:00,200
'Cause you were weaving
All over the road there.
100
00:05:00,300 --> 00:05:03,968
Can we get one thing straight?
I have not been drinking.
101
00:05:04,067 --> 00:05:06,133
Right hand to the nose...
102
00:05:06,234 --> 00:05:07,300
Yeah.
103
00:05:07,400 --> 00:05:11,801
...With the left hand
And back out.
104
00:05:11,901 --> 00:05:13,868
I need you to recite
The alphabet
105
00:05:13,968 --> 00:05:16,501
From "z" to "a" backwards
As fast as you can.
106
00:05:16,601 --> 00:05:17,868
From "z" to "a"? Sure.
107
00:05:17,968 --> 00:05:20,234
Uh...
108
00:05:20,334 --> 00:05:23,067
Z...
109
00:05:23,167 --> 00:05:24,934
Y...
110
00:05:25,033 --> 00:05:31,434
X, w, v, u, t, s, r, q,
P, o, n, m, l, k, j,
111
00:05:31,534 --> 00:05:36,934
I, h, g, f, e, d, c, b, a.
112
00:05:37,033 --> 00:05:38,501
All right.
113
00:05:38,601 --> 00:05:40,167
Remarkable.
114
00:05:40,267 --> 00:05:42,567
I've actually never seen
Anybody do that.
115
00:05:42,667 --> 00:05:44,367
Oh, my bladder is full.
116
00:05:44,467 --> 00:05:48,267
I'm not worried about your
Bladder right now, okay?
117
00:05:48,367 --> 00:05:51,868
All right.
118
00:05:51,968 --> 00:05:54,400
You've got
Pretty good balance there.
119
00:05:54,501 --> 00:05:57,601
I want you to step, bump,
Step, bump-bump,
120
00:05:57,701 --> 00:06:00,033
Step, bump,
Step, bump-bump.
121
00:06:00,133 --> 00:06:02,400
5, 6, 7, 8.
122
00:06:02,501 --> 00:06:05,167
Step, bump,
Step, bump-bump,
123
00:06:05,267 --> 00:06:07,934
Step, bump,
Step, bump-bump.
124
00:06:08,033 --> 00:06:12,434
Pas de barré, kick-ball-change,
Step, clap.
125
00:06:12,534 --> 00:06:15,300
5, 6, 7, 8.
126
00:06:18,367 --> 00:06:20,901
You know what would be good
127
00:06:21,000 --> 00:06:25,634
Is if you kicked and then
You kind of...Did that
128
00:06:25,734 --> 00:06:29,501
And then a barrel turn
And then -- ha!
129
00:06:29,601 --> 00:06:30,501
You know?
130
00:06:30,601 --> 00:06:31,701
That was good.
131
00:06:31,801 --> 00:06:33,367
That was really good.
132
00:06:33,467 --> 00:06:34,501
You a dancer?
133
00:06:34,601 --> 00:06:36,734
No. No, no, no.
134
00:06:36,834 --> 00:06:38,968
I'm just drunk.
135
00:06:39,067 --> 00:06:40,734
Ahhhhh!
Ahhhhh!
136
00:06:40,834 --> 00:06:43,501
Up against the vehicle
Right now, sir.
137
00:06:43,601 --> 00:06:45,067
You are going to jail.
138
00:06:45,167 --> 00:06:46,334
Susie kim.
139
00:06:46,434 --> 00:06:48,634
Susie kim,
The homeland security officer.
140
00:06:48,734 --> 00:06:50,234
Phew!
141
00:06:53,534 --> 00:06:54,834
Man.
142
00:06:54,934 --> 00:06:56,033
[ Whistles ]
143
00:06:56,133 --> 00:06:58,801
Don't do that.
You don't know her.
144
00:06:58,901 --> 00:07:00,267
Can i ask you a question?
145
00:07:00,367 --> 00:07:01,501
Yeah, sure, of course.
146
00:07:01,601 --> 00:07:03,334
You can ask me anything,
Susie.
147
00:07:03,434 --> 00:07:06,801
So...
148
00:07:06,901 --> 00:07:09,834
So, what is it
With the shorts?
149
00:07:09,934 --> 00:07:11,133
Um, is it --
150
00:07:11,234 --> 00:07:12,901
I mean, c-c-can --
151
00:07:13,000 --> 00:07:15,167
You don't mind me asking?
152
00:07:15,267 --> 00:07:16,767
No, no, i, uh --
153
00:07:16,868 --> 00:07:19,534
Can your ass breathe in it,
'Cause it just seems so --
154
00:07:19,634 --> 00:07:21,334
I wear them
For maneuverability,
155
00:07:21,434 --> 00:07:23,434
But you think they're silly,
Don't you?
156
00:07:23,534 --> 00:07:25,067
No, no.
You know what it is?
157
00:07:25,167 --> 00:07:26,734
The shorts
Are kind of silly.
158
00:07:26,834 --> 00:07:28,801
They're not silly at all.
They're not.
159
00:07:28,901 --> 00:07:30,801
You, just being as fit
As you are --
160
00:07:30,901 --> 00:07:33,000
I think you should let
Your ass breathe
161
00:07:33,100 --> 00:07:34,667
Because it's
Such a nice ass.
162
00:07:34,767 --> 00:07:36,334
With some slacks,
You think?
163
00:07:36,434 --> 00:07:37,367
Yeah.
164
00:07:37,467 --> 00:07:40,000
You know,
I have, you know --
165
00:07:40,100 --> 00:07:42,834
I have long pants.
I just, um...
166
00:07:42,934 --> 00:07:45,534
I'd like to see that
Sometime.
167
00:07:45,634 --> 00:07:47,033
Look at me.
168
00:07:47,133 --> 00:07:51,100
I'm...Dressed
Like a goddamn clown.
169
00:07:51,200 --> 00:07:54,901
I sure would like a hottie
Like that, uh --
170
00:07:55,000 --> 00:07:57,400
What's her name?
Susie...
171
00:07:57,501 --> 00:08:00,334
Uh, mrs. Lieutenant
Susie kim.
172
00:08:00,434 --> 00:08:01,868
Yeah. Hell, yeah.
173
00:08:01,968 --> 00:08:04,667
I saw her making eyes
For me.
174
00:08:04,767 --> 00:08:08,367
I think their eyes
Are always like that.
175
00:08:14,734 --> 00:08:19,501
Captain duane hernandez has
Taught me a lot of things.
176
00:08:19,601 --> 00:08:23,601
He's taught me that i look best
In red lips,
177
00:08:23,701 --> 00:08:27,367
That i can wear smoky
Eye-shadow shades,
178
00:08:27,467 --> 00:08:30,934
That it's okay
To wear push-up bras.
179
00:08:31,033 --> 00:08:36,033
But i haven't learned a whole
Lot about homeland security.
180
00:08:36,133 --> 00:08:41,200
I'm afraid i'm definitely gonna
Blow the test.
181
00:08:41,300 --> 00:08:45,033
But, uh, i'm gonna look great
Doing it.
182
00:08:45,133 --> 00:08:47,067
You pull into a parking lot.
183
00:08:47,167 --> 00:08:50,033
There is a foreign object
Unattended.
184
00:08:50,133 --> 00:08:53,234
In this case,
It's a piece of luggage.
185
00:08:53,334 --> 00:08:54,601
What do you do?
186
00:08:54,701 --> 00:08:56,934
The clock is ticking, people.
187
00:08:57,033 --> 00:08:58,334
If it's at a mall,
188
00:08:58,434 --> 00:09:00,400
You would take it to the
Information desk
189
00:09:00,501 --> 00:09:03,367
And see if there's a reward.
If there is, then collect it.
190
00:09:03,467 --> 00:09:05,868
If it's in a supermarket,
Just leave it there.
191
00:09:05,968 --> 00:09:08,000
It's probably
For a homeless person.
192
00:09:09,667 --> 00:09:11,234
No.
193
00:09:11,334 --> 00:09:12,400
Williams.
194
00:09:12,501 --> 00:09:13,868
I got it. Okay.
195
00:09:13,968 --> 00:09:16,834
You shout out,
"Hey, who forgot their bag?!"
196
00:09:16,934 --> 00:09:19,267
No, williams,
You do not shout out,
197
00:09:19,367 --> 00:09:21,400
"Hey, who forgot
Their bag?!"
198
00:09:21,501 --> 00:09:24,400
If someone shows up --
No, it's not a raffle.
199
00:09:24,501 --> 00:09:25,634
Jones?
200
00:09:25,734 --> 00:09:29,234
I didn't have --
I didn't raise my hand.
201
00:09:29,334 --> 00:09:30,467
Dangle?
202
00:09:30,567 --> 00:09:32,701
I don't know how or where
You get them,
203
00:09:32,801 --> 00:09:35,100
But i believe there are robots
For this.
204
00:09:35,200 --> 00:09:36,267
Who has those?
205
00:09:36,367 --> 00:09:37,734
Radio shack.
206
00:09:37,834 --> 00:09:40,501
If you're at the mall,
You don't even have to call.
207
00:09:40,601 --> 00:09:41,801
Okay, okay, okay.
208
00:09:41,901 --> 00:09:43,467
You're calling someone.
209
00:09:43,567 --> 00:09:45,334
You're on the right track.
210
00:09:45,434 --> 00:09:46,834
Robot squad.
No robot squad!
211
00:09:46,934 --> 00:09:48,467
That's horribly wrong!
212
00:09:48,567 --> 00:09:51,133
This is maybe a little right.
You're over there!
213
00:09:51,234 --> 00:09:53,400
You took a bus!
You took a transfer!
214
00:09:53,501 --> 00:09:55,200
You went over there somewhere!
215
00:09:55,300 --> 00:09:56,534
[ Clears throat ]
216
00:09:56,634 --> 00:09:58,767
Yeah. Uh, we are, uh --
We're ready.
217
00:09:58,868 --> 00:10:01,801
We've been studying, right?
We've been studying.
218
00:10:01,901 --> 00:10:04,300
We made some flash cards
For the test.
219
00:10:04,400 --> 00:10:06,701
We are getting ready
For the test --
220
00:10:06,801 --> 00:10:08,400
The homeland security test.
221
00:10:08,501 --> 00:10:13,234
Um...We tried to study
Last night,
222
00:10:13,334 --> 00:10:19,100
Ended up watching tv
And having some beers,
223
00:10:19,200 --> 00:10:21,934
And, uh...
224
00:10:22,033 --> 00:10:24,000
Tonight we really have to
Buckle down.
225
00:10:24,100 --> 00:10:25,467
We're gonna buckle down.
226
00:10:25,567 --> 00:10:27,634
But a short answer
To your question --
227
00:10:27,734 --> 00:10:30,701
If terrorism hits reno,
No, we're pretty much [bleep]
228
00:10:30,801 --> 00:10:32,400
[ Indistinct shouting ]
229
00:10:32,501 --> 00:10:35,367
Got a call
About a disturbance.
230
00:10:35,467 --> 00:10:36,934
She's disturbed.
231
00:10:37,033 --> 00:10:38,968
[ Shouting continues ]
232
00:10:39,067 --> 00:10:41,634
T.T.
T.T., What you doing?
233
00:10:41,734 --> 00:10:43,033
Hi. Remember me?
234
00:10:43,133 --> 00:10:45,601
T.T.,
You doing some shopping?
235
00:10:45,701 --> 00:10:48,133
I'm buying everybody a beer
'Cause i won the lotto.
236
00:10:48,234 --> 00:10:49,467
Let's go shopping outside,
237
00:10:49,567 --> 00:10:51,133
Because everything
Out there --
238
00:10:51,234 --> 00:10:52,634
Whoo-hoo!
239
00:10:52,734 --> 00:10:55,701
Damn it, t.T.!
240
00:10:55,801 --> 00:10:57,000
Whoo-whoo!
241
00:10:57,100 --> 00:10:58,667
Get back here!
242
00:10:58,767 --> 00:11:01,300
T.T., I'm not playing
With you.
243
00:11:01,400 --> 00:11:03,968
I am not playing
With you, girl.
244
00:11:04,067 --> 00:11:05,300
T.T.!
245
00:11:05,400 --> 00:11:07,367
Ma'am, just stay put.
Just stay put.
246
00:11:07,467 --> 00:11:09,067
Everybody stay put.
247
00:11:09,167 --> 00:11:11,701
I got a t.T. Situation here
At the virginia street market.
248
00:11:11,801 --> 00:11:13,567
T.T. Thinks she won
The lottery.
249
00:11:13,667 --> 00:11:15,634
I need you here right now.
Thank you.
250
00:11:15,734 --> 00:11:17,467
Go, go, go.
Nothing to see.
251
00:11:17,567 --> 00:11:19,734
Give me my stick.
Where's my stick?
252
00:11:19,834 --> 00:11:21,234
Right here. Come on.
253
00:11:21,334 --> 00:11:23,834
We're gonna get you
Another ticket.
254
00:11:23,934 --> 00:11:26,267
Don't throw punches
At me, t.T.
255
00:11:26,367 --> 00:11:28,100
Don't throw punches at me.
256
00:11:28,200 --> 00:11:31,701
No, t.T., T.T., T.T.
Jones.
257
00:11:31,801 --> 00:11:34,000
You want to date a woman
With money?
258
00:11:34,100 --> 00:11:35,100
Whoo!
259
00:11:35,200 --> 00:11:38,167
Want to date a woman
That got paid?
260
00:11:38,267 --> 00:11:39,334
Oh, god, no.
261
00:11:39,434 --> 00:11:41,501
Well, this is
A california ticket.
262
00:11:41,601 --> 00:11:43,033
What you talkin' 'bout?
263
00:11:43,133 --> 00:11:45,667
That's california.
Where'd you get that?
264
00:11:45,767 --> 00:11:47,334
You didn't
Win the lottery.
265
00:11:47,434 --> 00:11:48,868
Aaaaaaaaaaaah!
266
00:11:48,968 --> 00:11:52,033
Aw, geez
Here we go !
267
00:11:52,133 --> 00:11:53,367
Damn!
268
00:11:53,467 --> 00:11:59,267
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
269
00:11:59,367 --> 00:12:00,534
All right.
270
00:12:00,634 --> 00:12:02,234
Aaaaaaaaaaaaah!
271
00:12:02,334 --> 00:12:04,534
T.T., Act like a lady.
272
00:12:04,634 --> 00:12:06,300
Act like a lady.
273
00:12:06,400 --> 00:12:08,634
Who's putting this
[Bleep] away?
274
00:12:14,234 --> 00:12:15,601
Williams, dangle,
275
00:12:15,701 --> 00:12:18,968
I want you to approach the
Foreign object
276
00:12:19,067 --> 00:12:22,200
And assess the situation --
Cautiously.
277
00:12:22,300 --> 00:12:24,501
Go. You have one minute. Go.
278
00:12:29,534 --> 00:12:31,200
Good, dangle, good.
279
00:12:31,300 --> 00:12:33,234
Cautiously, cautiously.
280
00:12:33,334 --> 00:12:35,667
You don't know what's inside.
281
00:12:35,767 --> 00:12:37,634
It could be dangerous.
282
00:12:37,734 --> 00:12:40,734
Williams,
You are not on the moon.
283
00:12:40,834 --> 00:12:43,033
Just approach with caution.
284
00:12:43,133 --> 00:12:45,200
Assess the situation.
285
00:12:45,300 --> 00:12:47,767
You may not -- okay, okay.
286
00:12:47,868 --> 00:12:49,801
Now you are assessing
The situation.
287
00:12:49,901 --> 00:12:51,300
No -- no, you don't --
288
00:12:51,400 --> 00:12:53,534
You're -- no.
289
00:12:53,634 --> 00:12:55,567
Dangle, you don't know
What's inside.
290
00:12:55,667 --> 00:12:56,801
You may not feel comf--
291
00:12:56,901 --> 00:12:58,133
Did you say check inside?
292
00:12:58,234 --> 00:13:00,033
Oh, my goodness.
293
00:13:00,133 --> 00:13:01,100
Whoa.
294
00:13:01,200 --> 00:13:03,667
Yes, it's just --
It's clothes.
295
00:13:03,767 --> 00:13:05,200
That's my clothes.
296
00:13:05,300 --> 00:13:06,567
That's all silk.
297
00:13:06,667 --> 00:13:08,567
Is this a gordon gottrell?
298
00:13:08,667 --> 00:13:10,167
That's calvin klein.
299
00:13:10,267 --> 00:13:13,334
He has a white dinner jacket
Made in the philippines.
300
00:13:13,434 --> 00:13:16,634
Jones: that's a gordon gottrell,
Isn't it?
301
00:13:20,934 --> 00:13:23,000
Good afternoon, class.
My name is officer garcia.
302
00:13:23,100 --> 00:13:24,968
This is my partner,
Officer jones.
303
00:13:25,067 --> 00:13:26,834
We are from the reno county
Sheriff's department.
304
00:13:26,934 --> 00:13:29,267
And we are here today
To talk about self-defense.
305
00:13:29,367 --> 00:13:31,701
Let's say you folks are caught
Behind the bleachers.
306
00:13:31,801 --> 00:13:33,734
You're taking a whiz,
Taking a leak.
307
00:13:33,834 --> 00:13:35,901
I'm gonna show you six ways
To get out of this hold.
308
00:13:36,000 --> 00:13:38,033
He's a bigger man,
But it doesn't matter.
309
00:13:38,133 --> 00:13:40,467
I'm gonna use my leverage,
And i'm gonna get out, okay?
310
00:13:40,567 --> 00:13:43,167
You might think there's nothing
I can do from here.
311
00:13:43,267 --> 00:13:45,234
What i'm gonna do
Is use my leverage.
312
00:13:45,334 --> 00:13:47,200
I'm gonna start
With my right knee.
313
00:13:47,300 --> 00:13:50,567
I'm gonna spin out.
314
00:13:50,667 --> 00:13:54,567
[ Grunting ]
315
00:13:54,667 --> 00:13:55,567
You okay?
316
00:13:55,667 --> 00:13:57,601
Yeah, i'm all right.
Damn.
317
00:13:57,701 --> 00:13:59,667
[ Grunting ]
318
00:13:59,767 --> 00:14:01,968
All right, time-out.
Hold on. Hold on.
319
00:14:02,067 --> 00:14:03,267
You want to spin out?
320
00:14:03,367 --> 00:14:05,300
You gotta get me
From the other side.
321
00:14:05,400 --> 00:14:06,801
You can't get it from here?
322
00:14:06,901 --> 00:14:08,267
I can spin out that way.
323
00:14:11,200 --> 00:14:14,400
Wait. Hold on. Hold on.
324
00:14:14,501 --> 00:14:15,567
You okay?
325
00:14:15,667 --> 00:14:18,534
Yeah. [ Coughs ]
I'm all right.
326
00:14:18,634 --> 00:14:22,601
He's a bigger man.
Now, normally -- all right.
327
00:14:22,701 --> 00:14:27,133
Take those glasses off.
Okay. Now, hold on. Hold on.
328
00:14:27,234 --> 00:14:28,667
See that right there?
329
00:14:28,767 --> 00:14:31,300
Right there --
See, i had him going.
330
00:14:31,400 --> 00:14:34,167
I lured him with the whole
Speech thing.
331
00:14:34,267 --> 00:14:36,300
You want to show them
Another hold?
332
00:14:36,400 --> 00:14:38,133
No, i'm good, i'm good.
Yeah.
333
00:14:38,234 --> 00:14:40,100
I think any terrorist
334
00:14:40,200 --> 00:14:44,367
Who would plan to do some kind
Of thing in reno
335
00:14:44,467 --> 00:14:46,634
Has never been to reno.
336
00:14:49,000 --> 00:14:51,601
Ladies and gentlemen,
It's showtime.
337
00:14:51,701 --> 00:14:54,334
You have 45 minutes in which
To finish the exam.
338
00:14:54,434 --> 00:14:56,167
Godspeed.
339
00:15:12,934 --> 00:15:15,801
Okay, here we go, folks.
340
00:15:15,901 --> 00:15:18,868
Question 1 -- answer is "a,"
"Don't open."
341
00:15:18,968 --> 00:15:20,801
Question 2 -- answer is "a."
342
00:15:20,901 --> 00:15:22,734
Question 3 -- answer is "c."
343
00:15:22,834 --> 00:15:24,801
Going way too fast --
Way, way, way too fast.
344
00:15:24,901 --> 00:15:26,667
I don't know when
He's gonna come back.
345
00:15:26,767 --> 00:15:28,968
Yes, reno was disgusting.
346
00:15:29,067 --> 00:15:33,467
Yes, maybe it is a cesspool
Of vice and boredom --
347
00:15:33,567 --> 00:15:36,834
An abysmal hellhole
Of nothingness.
348
00:15:36,934 --> 00:15:39,667
But we had a nice time.
349
00:15:46,367 --> 00:15:49,968
That timer was some kind of
A camera or something, i bet.
350
00:15:50,067 --> 00:15:53,133
They're gonna know we cheated,
And we are dead.
351
00:15:53,234 --> 00:15:55,467
We are dead.
We've lost our jobs.
352
00:15:55,567 --> 00:16:00,100
Hey...Everything's gonna be fine
As long as we stick together
353
00:16:00,200 --> 00:16:02,467
Like a team, okay?
Teamwork.
354
00:16:02,567 --> 00:16:05,067
To teamwork, okay?
To teamwork.
355
00:16:05,167 --> 00:16:06,067
Oh.
356
00:16:06,167 --> 00:16:08,968
Hey, duane, how you doing?
357
00:16:11,000 --> 00:16:15,200
When i was 7 years old...
358
00:16:15,300 --> 00:16:19,968
I went to my grandfather's ranch
In seville, spain.
359
00:16:20,067 --> 00:16:23,667
He had a prize bull,
Bernardito.
360
00:16:23,767 --> 00:16:29,033
And one afternoon, i saw
Bernardito mount 15 cows.
361
00:16:29,133 --> 00:16:31,234
Today...
362
00:16:31,334 --> 00:16:34,934
I think i feel what bernardito
Must have felt,
363
00:16:35,033 --> 00:16:38,968
Because i'm very proud --
Very proud of all of you.
364
00:16:39,067 --> 00:16:40,701
You have passed the exam.
365
00:16:40,801 --> 00:16:41,834
Ohh!
366
00:16:41,934 --> 00:16:45,601
[ Applause ]
367
00:16:45,701 --> 00:16:48,534
So now what happens?
Now what do we do?
368
00:16:48,634 --> 00:16:50,367
What happens now is life.
369
00:16:50,467 --> 00:16:53,133
You're gonna stay,
Though, right?
370
00:16:53,234 --> 00:16:54,934
Bernardito took a nap.
371
00:16:55,033 --> 00:16:56,934
You will continue doing
What you do,
372
00:16:57,033 --> 00:16:59,634
And we will continue doing
What we do.
373
00:16:59,734 --> 00:17:01,634
Congratulations.
374
00:17:01,734 --> 00:17:04,634
Duane, you guys are --
You're not, uh --
375
00:17:04,734 --> 00:17:06,534
You're really not staying?
376
00:17:06,634 --> 00:17:09,400
I have to go on.
I'm needed elsewhere.
377
00:17:09,501 --> 00:17:13,667
But it was a pleasure to train
You all and to serve with you.
378
00:17:13,767 --> 00:17:15,868
We're not done.
We're not ready.
379
00:17:15,968 --> 00:17:17,534
We're certainly not ready.
380
00:17:17,634 --> 00:17:20,100
Williams: no, no, no,
We are not ready.
381
00:17:20,200 --> 00:17:22,801
We need -- we need help.
We need more --
382
00:17:25,067 --> 00:17:26,334
That was so --
383
00:17:26,434 --> 00:17:27,767
Carry on.
384
00:17:27,868 --> 00:17:30,267
Johnson: duane,
My name is spelled wrong!
385
00:17:30,367 --> 00:17:31,767
We cheated. We cheated!
386
00:17:31,868 --> 00:17:34,100
You gotta come back
Because we cheated.
387
00:17:34,200 --> 00:17:35,868
Shut up! Shut up!
Shut up!
388
00:17:35,968 --> 00:17:36,868
Duane?
389
00:17:36,968 --> 00:17:39,300
Duane?
390
00:17:39,400 --> 00:17:41,934
Don't go, duane.
You can't go.
391
00:17:49,534 --> 00:17:50,934
When i first met you,
392
00:17:51,033 --> 00:17:53,801
You were like a frightened
Little kitten
393
00:17:53,901 --> 00:17:56,634
Inside a laundry hamper.
394
00:17:56,734 --> 00:17:58,434
Now...
395
00:17:58,534 --> 00:18:02,934
You are a beautiful swan
Inside a fancy restaurant.
396
00:18:03,033 --> 00:18:06,634
Send back the soup
If you don't like it.
397
00:18:06,734 --> 00:18:08,300
Order more bread.
398
00:18:08,400 --> 00:18:10,100
You are in command.
399
00:18:10,200 --> 00:18:13,300
[ Singing in spanish ]
400
00:18:25,534 --> 00:18:26,934
[ Sighs ]
401
00:18:27,033 --> 00:18:29,167
It smells like safety.
402
00:18:29,267 --> 00:18:31,400
It smells like safety.
403
00:18:31,501 --> 00:18:33,968
It is.
404
00:18:34,067 --> 00:18:36,801
[ Crying ] it is.
405
00:18:36,901 --> 00:18:39,133
Duane...
406
00:18:39,234 --> 00:18:41,267
No.
407
00:18:41,367 --> 00:18:42,767
No.
408
00:18:42,868 --> 00:18:43,868
Duane!
409
00:18:43,968 --> 00:18:46,801
Duane, come back, duane!
410
00:18:46,901 --> 00:18:49,601
Duane, don't go, duane!
411
00:18:49,701 --> 00:18:51,834
Come back, duane!
412
00:18:51,934 --> 00:18:54,434
No! Come back, duane!
413
00:18:54,534 --> 00:18:57,901
Come back, duane! No!
414
00:18:58,000 --> 00:19:00,701
Come back, duane!
415
00:19:00,801 --> 00:19:02,501
Come back, duane!
416
00:19:02,601 --> 00:19:04,367
Come back, duane!
417
00:19:13,434 --> 00:19:15,234
Um, so i suppose most of you
418
00:19:15,334 --> 00:19:17,934
Have heard little snippets
About this.
419
00:19:18,033 --> 00:19:20,267
We were robbed
Over the weekend.
420
00:19:20,367 --> 00:19:23,367
They got away with $300,000
Worth of evidence
421
00:19:23,467 --> 00:19:27,334
From the evidence room and most
Of the phones and computers.
422
00:19:27,434 --> 00:19:30,200
Uh, apparently the department
Of homeland security
423
00:19:30,300 --> 00:19:34,367
Doesn't send out teams
To train.
424
00:19:34,467 --> 00:19:37,534
That person who called himself
Duane hernandez
425
00:19:37,634 --> 00:19:43,501
Is apparently
"Spanish mike" alvarez,
426
00:19:43,601 --> 00:19:49,133
Wanted for impersonating a
Federal officer, grand larceny,
427
00:19:49,234 --> 00:19:52,501
And the "woman," uh, uh...
428
00:19:52,601 --> 00:19:56,734
Is apparently a gentleman
Named sammy heung.
429
00:19:56,834 --> 00:19:58,334
I tried to [bleep] him.
430
00:19:58,434 --> 00:20:00,234
Johnson: of course you did.
431
00:20:00,334 --> 00:20:02,734
Duane also took
My credit-card number
432
00:20:02,834 --> 00:20:06,667
And told me he was gonna get me
A subscription to condé nast.
433
00:20:06,767 --> 00:20:08,667
Who do we even report
The theft to?
434
00:20:10,434 --> 00:20:12,367
I'm not sure.
The president?
435
00:20:12,467 --> 00:20:14,334
Johnson: i knew
Something was wrong.
436
00:20:14,434 --> 00:20:16,534
She kept staring
At my boobs all the time.
437
00:20:16,634 --> 00:20:20,033
Sammy's a boob man,
I guess.
438
00:20:20,133 --> 00:20:22,234
I am irritated,
And i have a headache,
439
00:20:22,334 --> 00:20:25,434
And i'd like to never speak of
This again outside this room.
440
00:20:25,534 --> 00:20:27,901
Can we just forget it ever
Happened, please?
441
00:20:28,000 --> 00:20:29,567
Done.
442
00:20:31,367 --> 00:20:32,567
Code of...
443
00:20:32,667 --> 00:20:33,667
Silence.
444
00:20:33,767 --> 00:20:34,834
Sure.
445
00:20:34,934 --> 00:20:37,701
I can't believe
That just happened
446
00:20:37,801 --> 00:20:39,834
With duane and the whole --
447
00:20:39,934 --> 00:20:41,467
Williams: code of silence.
448
00:20:41,567 --> 00:20:45,200
We just made a code of silence
30 seconds ago.
449
00:20:57,100 --> 00:20:59,033
I knew those
Weren't real.
450
00:20:59,133 --> 00:21:00,434
They were lumpy.
451
00:21:00,534 --> 00:21:02,834
Does it make you gay if you
Whacked off to a guy ?
452
00:21:02,934 --> 00:21:04,767
Not if you didn't know
It was a guy.
453
00:21:04,868 --> 00:21:06,133
[Dangle]
Well, wait a second.
454
00:21:06,234 --> 00:21:07,767
I don't think you get
A vote on this.
455
00:21:07,868 --> 00:21:08,868
You gotta start
Somewhere, so...
456
00:21:08,968 --> 00:21:11,133
Buh-buh-buh...
457
00:21:11,234 --> 00:21:13,767
Survey says "yes",
I'd say.
458
00:21:13,868 --> 00:21:15,467
Oh, ( bleep ),
God damn, i'm queer.
459
00:21:15,567 --> 00:21:17,000
[Johnson]
Well, you know what that Asshole said to me ?
460
00:21:17,100 --> 00:21:18,167
Spanish mike ?
461
00:21:18,267 --> 00:21:21,567
He said, "clemmy",
You know,
462
00:21:21,667 --> 00:21:23,868
"You don't need to look
Like that all the time,
463
00:21:23,968 --> 00:21:26,434
You should read books,
You got a great mind."
464
00:21:26,534 --> 00:21:27,868
Huh, bull-( bleep ),
Buddy.
465
00:21:27,918 --> 00:21:32,468
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