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1
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This programme contains
some strong language.
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00:00:05,320 --> 00:00:07,160
Previously on Psychoville...
3
00:00:12,040 --> 00:00:16,320
Let's just say I deal in
certain commodities.
4
00:00:16,320 --> 00:00:21,240
Do you want to know a secret, kids?
Mr Jolly was responsible for this!
5
00:00:22,480 --> 00:00:25,440
I was wondering if you'd like to
go out for a meal? Yeah.
6
00:00:25,440 --> 00:00:29,120
Here he is, last of the Red-Hot
Lovers. Stop it! Stop it!
7
00:00:30,040 --> 00:00:32,320
What is it you do again?
Are you a waiter?
8
00:00:32,320 --> 00:00:33,520
What, love?
9
00:00:33,520 --> 00:00:37,200
And this, covered in the victim's
blood. David, stop it now!
10
00:00:37,200 --> 00:00:39,520
Someone get me down.
My legs are numb.
11
00:00:39,520 --> 00:00:41,800
Sorry, Mum, I did a bad murder.
12
00:01:01,360 --> 00:01:02,880
SHE CLEARS HER THROAT
13
00:01:04,160 --> 00:01:07,240
Excuse me? Look.
14
00:01:08,840 --> 00:01:10,360
I've got a baby, see.
15
00:01:12,520 --> 00:01:14,960
Thank you. Yes.
16
00:01:14,960 --> 00:01:18,280
Lovely. Thank you.
17
00:01:20,120 --> 00:01:21,960
That's better, isn't it, Freddy?
18
00:01:21,960 --> 00:01:26,400
♪ The wheels on the bus
go round and round
19
00:01:26,400 --> 00:01:30,040
♪ Round and round
round and round
20
00:01:30,040 --> 00:01:36,360
♪ The wheels on the bus go
round and round, all day long. ♪
21
00:01:52,480 --> 00:01:54,320
Nine across is "you".
22
00:01:55,960 --> 00:01:58,400
"Small, round vegetable"?
23
00:02:14,880 --> 00:02:17,520
Mr Lomax?
24
00:02:17,520 --> 00:02:20,040
It's Michael.
I have come to read to ya.
25
00:02:27,160 --> 00:02:28,680
Mr Lomax?
26
00:02:34,960 --> 00:02:36,280
Gotcha!
27
00:02:36,280 --> 00:02:37,520
HE LAUGHS
28
00:02:37,520 --> 00:02:40,880
You thought it was me sat there,
didn't you? Didn't you?
29
00:02:40,880 --> 00:02:43,680
You have to keep them on their toes,
you see, Tea Leaf.
30
00:02:43,680 --> 00:02:46,880
You won't steal from me that easily.
31
00:02:46,880 --> 00:02:51,200
No, not when they see me sitting
in my chair, bold as brass.
32
00:02:51,200 --> 00:02:52,800
Right, come on, then.
33
00:02:52,800 --> 00:02:55,440
I want to get you acquainted
with my holy of holies.
34
00:03:02,200 --> 00:03:04,920
You got a lot of toys, bruv.
35
00:03:04,920 --> 00:03:06,200
They're not toys.
36
00:03:06,200 --> 00:03:08,480
They're commodities.
37
00:03:08,480 --> 00:03:11,320
See this?
38
00:03:11,320 --> 00:03:13,240
Seaweed the Octopus.
39
00:03:13,240 --> 00:03:16,600
First generation, mint condition
and from a smoke-free home.
40
00:03:16,600 --> 00:03:18,600
200.
41
00:03:18,600 --> 00:03:22,160
This one, just the same,
only he's got seven legs.
42
00:03:22,160 --> 00:03:25,320
Seven legs, Tea Leaf, a rarity!
43
00:03:25,320 --> 00:03:29,200
Sold one to a doctor
in Malta for 4,000.
44
00:03:30,760 --> 00:03:33,080
I've got them all.
45
00:03:33,080 --> 00:03:35,920
All pristine, tagged and odour free.
46
00:03:35,920 --> 00:03:38,680
Never been touched,
never been played with.
47
00:03:38,680 --> 00:03:41,720
Just like you, eh, Tea Leaf?
48
00:03:41,720 --> 00:03:43,560
Are you pristine? Hmm?
49
00:03:45,080 --> 00:03:47,720
Or are you played with?
50
00:03:47,720 --> 00:03:51,160
That's none of your business.
'Tis my business! 'Tis my business!
51
00:03:51,160 --> 00:03:56,320
Want to come and work for me,
touch my commodities, your clothes stinking of young girls?
52
00:03:56,320 --> 00:03:58,200
No, Tea Leaf, no.
53
00:03:58,200 --> 00:04:01,960
No girls, no smoking,
and no meat pies.
54
00:04:01,960 --> 00:04:03,400
What about pasties?
55
00:04:03,400 --> 00:04:05,320
No pasties neither.
56
00:04:06,840 --> 00:04:10,080
This whole collection has
taken me years to amass.
57
00:04:10,080 --> 00:04:13,920
It's worth more than
you could dream of.
58
00:04:13,920 --> 00:04:18,160
But if it were complete...
59
00:04:18,160 --> 00:04:20,120
if it were complete...
60
00:04:20,120 --> 00:04:25,200
there wouldn't be a collection
like it in the world.
61
00:04:25,200 --> 00:04:26,920
How many more toy...
62
00:04:26,920 --> 00:04:28,440
commodities do you need?
63
00:04:30,080 --> 00:04:32,080
Just the one, Tea Leaf.
64
00:04:35,080 --> 00:04:37,560
And you are going to help me
find him.
65
00:04:40,440 --> 00:04:43,480
PHONE RINGS
66
00:04:43,480 --> 00:04:45,800
PHONE RINGS
67
00:04:49,840 --> 00:04:53,800
ANSWERPHONE: 'Hello, this is David
and Maureen, his mum.
68
00:04:53,800 --> 00:04:58,200
'Please leave a message after
the beeping sound. Thank you.'
69
00:04:59,160 --> 00:05:00,960
BEEP
70
00:05:00,960 --> 00:05:04,280
DEEP AND RASPY:
'David, you ki...'
71
00:05:04,280 --> 00:05:07,280
Hello? We're in.
I was just spending a penny.
72
00:05:07,280 --> 00:05:09,640
Is David there, please?
73
00:05:09,640 --> 00:05:13,000
David? No, he's still in bed, love.
Want to leave a message?
74
00:05:13,000 --> 00:05:14,080
'Er, yes, you...'
75
00:05:14,080 --> 00:05:16,200
Hang on, let me grab a biro.
76
00:05:16,200 --> 00:05:21,080
'Never bloody one around when you
need one. All right, go on, you what?'
77
00:05:21,080 --> 00:05:24,000
'You killed...' Doesn't bloody work.
78
00:05:24,000 --> 00:05:27,000
David chews them.
He's worse than a dog!
79
00:05:27,000 --> 00:05:31,400
You...killed...her.
80
00:05:33,480 --> 00:05:34,720
Hello?
81
00:05:34,720 --> 00:05:36,840
'Hello?' All right, you what?
82
00:05:36,840 --> 00:05:38,920
Oh, forget it!
83
00:05:38,920 --> 00:05:40,920
Shall I tell him who called?
84
00:05:42,560 --> 00:05:43,800
DIALLING TONE
85
00:05:46,840 --> 00:05:50,640
'Paging Dr Phillips.
Dr Phillips to haematology, please.'
86
00:05:52,120 --> 00:05:55,480
Morning, Jo. Morning, Nicola.
You've got your hands full there.
87
00:05:55,480 --> 00:05:59,440
You look like you're the old
woman who lived in the shoe! Hey, less of the old!
88
00:05:59,440 --> 00:06:01,760
I can take this one back.
No, that's all right.
89
00:06:01,760 --> 00:06:04,320
It's no bother cos I'm going
to the storeroom anyway.
90
00:06:04,320 --> 00:06:06,080
He doesn't live in the store room.
91
00:06:06,080 --> 00:06:09,120
I know. Looks like he should be in
the bin by the state of him!
92
00:06:09,680 --> 00:06:11,280
Don't you dare!
93
00:06:11,280 --> 00:06:15,680
You really shouldn't comment on
things you know nothing about!
94
00:06:17,360 --> 00:06:19,200
Jesus, Joy.
95
00:06:24,200 --> 00:06:25,400
Can you see him?
96
00:06:27,240 --> 00:06:28,280
Yep.
97
00:06:28,280 --> 00:06:30,600
He's the one.
98
00:06:30,600 --> 00:06:32,760
Snappy the Crocodile.
99
00:06:33,960 --> 00:06:38,680
Only 100 ever produced.
Exclusive for the Japanese market.
100
00:06:38,680 --> 00:06:41,720
But the plane that was
taking them there crashed.
101
00:06:41,720 --> 00:06:46,720
99 Snappies sank to the bottom of
the ocean and ended up as fish guts,
102
00:06:46,720 --> 00:06:50,720
but miracle of miracles,
one survived.
103
00:06:50,720 --> 00:06:53,600
Washed up on an island near Fiji.
104
00:06:53,600 --> 00:06:57,080
Of course I went over there but
they beat me to it, didn't they?
105
00:06:57,080 --> 00:07:00,920
They already had their
claws all over him.
106
00:07:00,920 --> 00:07:03,960
Who? Josie and Kelly Sue
Crabtree! Who do you think?!
107
00:07:05,480 --> 00:07:07,040
The witches of eBay.
108
00:07:10,320 --> 00:07:14,160
Oh, I begged them, Tea Leaf,
I'm not too proud to say it, begged.
109
00:07:14,160 --> 00:07:17,840
And eventually, they agreed to sell,
110
00:07:17,840 --> 00:07:20,440
but within a year I'd lost him.
111
00:07:21,680 --> 00:07:25,360
Shit. Someone's got him on eBay
for 48p?
112
00:07:25,360 --> 00:07:28,240
I know. Unbelievable.
113
00:07:28,240 --> 00:07:30,400
When I think of the price I paid.
114
00:07:33,480 --> 00:07:34,800
Why, what did it cost you?
115
00:07:36,600 --> 00:07:38,480
These eyes, Tea Leaf.
116
00:07:42,760 --> 00:07:44,880
These two eyes.
117
00:07:48,880 --> 00:07:52,320
David, I made you a brew.
118
00:07:52,320 --> 00:07:53,800
Where do you want it?
119
00:07:54,880 --> 00:07:56,160
Next to the lamp.
120
00:07:57,160 --> 00:07:59,000
What are you reading?
121
00:08:00,560 --> 00:08:01,760
Ripper.
122
00:08:01,760 --> 00:08:02,800
Jack or Yorkshire?
123
00:08:02,800 --> 00:08:04,200
Jack.
124
00:08:04,200 --> 00:08:08,160
Oh, hey, you've had a phone call,
right deep voice.
125
00:08:09,960 --> 00:08:11,000
Graham!
126
00:08:11,000 --> 00:08:13,040
Graham? From work?
127
00:08:13,040 --> 00:08:14,640
What did he want?
128
00:08:14,640 --> 00:08:17,760
And why is there blood
all over these clothes?
129
00:08:17,760 --> 00:08:19,800
Ask Graham!
130
00:08:19,800 --> 00:08:21,680
LETTER BOX RATTLES
131
00:08:56,520 --> 00:09:00,120
So, Debbie, you'll enter on
your usual spot, downstage right.
132
00:09:00,120 --> 00:09:02,800
Didn't I enter the other side before?
133
00:09:02,800 --> 00:09:05,600
Goodies stage right,
baddies stage left.
134
00:09:05,600 --> 00:09:09,040
Right, now, where are my dwarfs?
There. Come along, in a line.
135
00:09:09,040 --> 00:09:11,880
Hurry up, less of that,
here we go, splendid.
136
00:09:11,880 --> 00:09:18,120
Let's get you in height order
from smallest to...least small.
137
00:09:18,120 --> 00:09:22,680
Right, now, I want you to enter
from over here in a zigzag,
138
00:09:22,680 --> 00:09:24,600
humming "Hi-ho". So here we go.
139
00:09:24,600 --> 00:09:28,680
HE HUMS "HI-HO"
140
00:09:28,680 --> 00:09:31,400
Now, Bashful? Where's Bashful?
It's Blusher.
141
00:09:31,400 --> 00:09:34,160
I forgot. We can't use
the Disney names.
142
00:09:34,160 --> 00:09:37,680
Isn't it fucking ridiculous? How can
you copyright the word "happy?"
143
00:09:37,680 --> 00:09:41,440
Anyway, Flusher, Blusher, whatever,
I want you to suddenly stop
144
00:09:41,440 --> 00:09:45,360
and you to bump into him, you to
bump into him, you bump into him...
145
00:09:45,360 --> 00:09:49,320
and then you all fall down, boom,
boom, boom. Right. Let's see that.
146
00:09:49,320 --> 00:09:51,440
Here we go. And...
147
00:09:51,440 --> 00:09:52,960
HE HUMS "HI-HO"
148
00:09:52,960 --> 00:09:57,880
That's it, nice big smiles. Wave
to the audience, gorgeous, lovely.
149
00:10:03,000 --> 00:10:06,720
Fabulous! You see, as an audience,
we are on your side already
150
00:10:06,720 --> 00:10:10,000
because we've seen you humiliated,
for want of a better word.
151
00:10:10,000 --> 00:10:13,760
Chris? Box? Oh, yes, I've got to
go and look at a glass coffin.
152
00:10:13,760 --> 00:10:16,360
So take five and we'll
pick it up here later.
153
00:10:18,080 --> 00:10:21,640
I see Dirk Diggler's on his
back again. Leave it, Brian.
154
00:10:21,640 --> 00:10:24,080
I can't believe
he used to do porn films!
155
00:10:24,080 --> 00:10:25,360
THEY LAUGH
156
00:10:25,360 --> 00:10:27,960
I checked out your CV, Robert.
157
00:10:27,960 --> 00:10:32,320
Rumpled Foreskin, Goldie Pubes,
Wood In The Babes.
158
00:10:32,320 --> 00:10:34,680
Ignore them, Robert,
they're only jealous.
159
00:10:34,680 --> 00:10:36,400
I can stick up for myself, thanks.
160
00:10:36,400 --> 00:10:38,240
Yeah, so we've heard!
161
00:10:38,240 --> 00:10:40,600
Sorry, I just thought...
162
00:10:40,600 --> 00:10:43,160
Are you all right, Robert?
163
00:10:43,160 --> 00:10:47,840
Fine. Oh, you seem a bit low.
164
00:10:47,840 --> 00:10:51,800
I just wanted to ask if we're
still on for tonight. What?
165
00:10:51,800 --> 00:10:56,120
You offered to take me out
for a meal. I didn't think you was interested.
166
00:10:56,120 --> 00:11:00,800
Debbie, we're all going for
a Chinese tonight, a big company meal. Cast only, no wiggies.
167
00:11:00,800 --> 00:11:02,400
You are coming, aren't you?
168
00:11:02,400 --> 00:11:05,560
No, Brian, I'm going out with Robert.
169
00:11:21,600 --> 00:11:23,720
Brilliant.
170
00:11:31,200 --> 00:11:34,560
Take that, and that, and that!
171
00:11:34,560 --> 00:11:36,720
That'll teach you to
steal my sausages.
172
00:11:36,720 --> 00:11:40,160
Oh, Mr Punch, what's going on?
173
00:11:40,160 --> 00:11:44,960
That naughty ghost
was stealing my sausages!
174
00:11:44,960 --> 00:11:47,720
They're not real sausages.
175
00:11:47,720 --> 00:11:50,400
I told you to look after the baby.
176
00:11:50,400 --> 00:11:53,040
They're not real sausages.
177
00:11:53,040 --> 00:11:57,120
If you'd waited for Mr Jelly,
you'd have got real sausages!
178
00:11:57,120 --> 00:12:01,200
Maybe we can have them for tea,
boys and girls!
179
00:12:01,200 --> 00:12:04,800
That would be just like you,
wouldn't it, Jolly? Steal my act.
180
00:12:04,800 --> 00:12:06,840
Steal my sausages.
181
00:12:06,840 --> 00:12:07,880
Who is it?
182
00:12:07,880 --> 00:12:12,040
MIMICS: "Who is it? Who is it?"
It's me, Mr Jelly!
183
00:12:12,040 --> 00:12:14,280
I do Punch and Judy in
this school, not him.
184
00:12:14,280 --> 00:12:17,720
HIGH-PITCHED: Hello, boys and girls,
I'm a little bit sad today
185
00:12:17,720 --> 00:12:20,840
cos someone's here in my spot.
I know I'm a bit late but...
186
00:12:20,840 --> 00:12:21,880
CHILDREN BOO
187
00:12:21,880 --> 00:12:27,080
Yeah, that's it. Get rid of the
disabled one, all want to see the stump, do they? Red raw stump?
188
00:12:27,080 --> 00:12:30,040
Do you want to involve
the police, Jelly?
189
00:12:30,040 --> 00:12:36,280
Because you know the magistrate's
passed a restraining order banning you from coming within 100 yards.
190
00:12:36,280 --> 00:12:40,360
Yes, I'm aware of that, but
they don't know, boys and girls, what he did to me.
191
00:12:40,360 --> 00:12:43,400
Shall we call the policemen,
boys and girls?
192
00:12:43,400 --> 00:12:44,800
ALL: Yes!
193
00:12:44,800 --> 00:12:49,000
'Ello, 'ello, 'ello,
what's going on 'ere then?
194
00:12:49,000 --> 00:12:51,640
Who are you?
I'm PC World.
195
00:12:51,640 --> 00:12:55,560
That's my joke - PC World. Get your
own name! Stop pointing that at me!
196
00:12:55,560 --> 00:12:58,560
We have to protect ourselves,
don't we, boys and girls?
197
00:12:58,560 --> 00:13:00,920
I'm not talking to you,
I'm talking to him.
198
00:13:00,920 --> 00:13:04,720
You keep out, Mr Punch, Mr Punch,
Mr Punch, Punch! Punch! Punch!
199
00:13:04,720 --> 00:13:07,560
That's the way to do it!
That's the way to do it!
200
00:13:07,560 --> 00:13:10,360
That's the way to do it!
That's the way to do it!
201
00:13:10,360 --> 00:13:11,960
Ugh!
202
00:13:17,480 --> 00:13:19,400
POLICE RADIO: 'Suspect may be armed.'
203
00:13:22,160 --> 00:13:23,960
Who wants a balloon?
204
00:13:33,640 --> 00:13:36,840
Right, get in and don't come back.
This is your last warning.
205
00:13:36,840 --> 00:13:40,880
All right, all right, I'm going.
I've only got one hand, you know.
206
00:13:42,200 --> 00:13:43,680
ENGINE STARTS
207
00:13:49,400 --> 00:13:52,040
How come no-one else
is bidding on it?
208
00:13:52,040 --> 00:13:54,400
25 million things for sale
on eBay, Tea Leaf.
209
00:13:54,400 --> 00:13:56,400
You've got to know where to look.
210
00:13:56,400 --> 00:13:59,600
You see the listing?
"Toy Aligater?" Spelt wrong.
211
00:13:59,600 --> 00:14:01,760
Probably a kid having a clear out.
212
00:14:01,760 --> 00:14:05,600
That's how I found Humps the Kamell,
a K and two Ls.
213
00:14:07,000 --> 00:14:09,200
How long before the auction closes?
214
00:14:09,200 --> 00:14:11,640
Three hours and 12 minutes.
215
00:14:11,640 --> 00:14:15,120
I can't wait to see their faces.
216
00:14:19,360 --> 00:14:22,560
I've got another bid on
those Tweenies videos. How much?
217
00:14:22,560 --> 00:14:24,120
86p. Show me.
218
00:14:27,440 --> 00:14:28,760
Keep your eye on it.
219
00:14:28,760 --> 00:14:31,840
I'm going to
put another bid in on them ribbons.
220
00:14:31,840 --> 00:14:33,880
What's the story with them?
221
00:14:33,880 --> 00:14:37,680
Dunno. Nine green ribbons on at 15p.
No reserve? No.
222
00:14:37,680 --> 00:14:40,360
We could get £1.50 - £2 for them.
223
00:14:40,360 --> 00:14:44,480
I know, mugs!
THEY CACKLE BEEP!
224
00:14:44,480 --> 00:14:46,960
That's that David Beckham
autograph sold.
225
00:14:46,960 --> 00:14:50,440
Seven quid! Here we go.
226
00:14:53,720 --> 00:14:57,440
Day-vid Beck-ham! Bum stink!
227
00:14:57,440 --> 00:14:59,760
What? I've lost my ribbons now.
228
00:14:59,760 --> 00:15:06,600
Here, I'll do it. Items closing in
the next hour under £8.
229
00:15:06,600 --> 00:15:08,800
Subsearch. Green.
230
00:15:08,800 --> 00:15:12,240
That's it. Nine green ribbons.
231
00:15:12,240 --> 00:15:14,680
Oh! Look, there's our Snappy.
232
00:15:14,680 --> 00:15:17,520
48p one bidder? That's impossible.
233
00:15:17,520 --> 00:15:19,240
Well, he's there.
234
00:15:19,240 --> 00:15:23,720
Right in front of your eyes.
What are we going to do?
235
00:15:23,720 --> 00:15:25,800
I'm going to bid 50p.
236
00:15:25,800 --> 00:15:27,920
No!
237
00:15:27,920 --> 00:15:29,800
Bid 52.
238
00:15:32,680 --> 00:15:39,280
I'm glad you came to see me
Mrs Sowerbutts cos it was awful, what happened last night.
239
00:15:39,280 --> 00:15:44,400
I bet it was. Can I ask what
happened to the puppy?
240
00:15:44,400 --> 00:15:49,600
I cut her down, cleaned her up
and sent her back to East Finchley.
241
00:15:49,600 --> 00:15:51,440
She'll be at peace there.
242
00:15:52,960 --> 00:15:55,840
Don't call the police. Please.
243
00:15:55,840 --> 00:16:01,280
If he gets put back in that place,
it's two buses for me, and the taxi's a ruination.
244
00:16:01,280 --> 00:16:03,360
Mrs Sowerbutts, please.
245
00:16:03,360 --> 00:16:07,920
You're over-reacting. The matter
is closed as far as I'm concerned.
246
00:16:11,480 --> 00:16:14,120
So, what do you want
to do about this?
247
00:16:17,400 --> 00:16:22,040
I don't know what you mean.
Come off it, I'm not thick. I know what you're after.
248
00:16:23,240 --> 00:16:27,920
I never laid a finger on her.
I went through all this at court.
249
00:16:27,920 --> 00:16:29,680
I was...
250
00:16:29,680 --> 00:16:31,720
standing behind her...
251
00:16:33,240 --> 00:16:35,200
..eating an egg salad sandwich,
252
00:16:35,200 --> 00:16:41,920
when some of it accidentally
splashed into her hair.
253
00:16:41,920 --> 00:16:45,680
And no, I
can't explain the DNA report.
254
00:16:45,680 --> 00:16:49,560
If you don't leave I
will call the police!
255
00:16:49,560 --> 00:16:51,800
I've told you, no police.
256
00:16:51,800 --> 00:16:55,040
This is blackmail.
Yes, it bloody well is.
257
00:16:55,040 --> 00:16:56,760
Right!
258
00:16:57,480 --> 00:17:00,880
No, Graham...
Put me through to the poli...
259
00:17:08,280 --> 00:17:11,240
Don't cry, don't cry, my
little Freddy fruitcake.
260
00:17:21,440 --> 00:17:24,080
Here we go, Freddy.
261
00:17:24,080 --> 00:17:25,880
Mumma get your medicine.
262
00:17:27,120 --> 00:17:28,360
There we are.
263
00:17:30,040 --> 00:17:33,400
SHE SINGS GENTLY
264
00:17:40,400 --> 00:17:50,160
♪ No request is too extreme
when you wish upon a star..
265
00:17:52,720 --> 00:18:00,080
♪ ..Your dreams come true... ♪
266
00:18:00,080 --> 00:18:02,040
Fill that up.
267
00:18:06,600 --> 00:18:10,360
And nobody is none the wiser.
268
00:18:25,320 --> 00:18:29,240
It all looks so good.
I'm famished, I could eat a horse.
269
00:18:29,240 --> 00:18:32,320
They've got buffalo,
buffalo with mozzarella.
270
00:18:32,320 --> 00:18:35,440
Yes...
271
00:18:35,440 --> 00:18:38,000
Here we go.
Something for the little one.
272
00:18:39,360 --> 00:18:42,240
Can I get the wine list, please?
Of course, madam.
273
00:18:42,240 --> 00:18:44,320
Oh, that was nice of him.
274
00:18:44,320 --> 00:18:46,160
Yeah, if you're three.
275
00:18:46,160 --> 00:18:50,760
By the way, I saw your porn film,
Ho' White and the Seven Dicks.
276
00:18:50,760 --> 00:18:53,320
Did you? Yeah, Brian showed it to me.
277
00:18:53,320 --> 00:18:59,480
He thought I'd be shocked, but I am
absolutely porn mad! I love it!
278
00:18:59,480 --> 00:19:02,680
I've seen most of the ones on that
label - what is it? Midget gems?
279
00:19:02,680 --> 00:19:05,960
Midget Gems, yeah. I think my
favourite one is Horny Dumpty.
280
00:19:05,960 --> 00:19:08,280
Is that the one where you
buttfucked Red Riding Hood?
281
00:19:08,280 --> 00:19:13,840
Yes. That's right, cos I remember
this head-turn you did with this really shocked look in your eye,
282
00:19:13,840 --> 00:19:16,800
and I just thought, "Wow!
That is so powerful."
283
00:19:16,800 --> 00:19:20,600
It's one of the things that made
me want to become an actress.
284
00:19:20,600 --> 00:19:24,360
There was
something really truthful about it.
285
00:19:24,360 --> 00:19:27,480
I think the cleaner had
just walked in on us. Oh!
286
00:19:27,480 --> 00:19:31,520
I wondered if you would be
more comfortable in this. I think we're fine thanks.
287
00:19:31,520 --> 00:19:35,840
Would you like me to have a word
with him? No, I'm used to it. I've always been looked down on.
288
00:19:35,840 --> 00:19:41,120
Aww, and I bet people patronise
you, don't they? A little bit.
289
00:19:41,120 --> 00:19:45,680
Well, from what I've seen, you're
every bit as big as any other man.
290
00:19:45,680 --> 00:19:47,720
If not bigger!
291
00:19:47,720 --> 00:19:53,320
I'm glad it's out in the open, cos
someone knew about it and was trying to blackmail me. I got this letter.
292
00:19:57,880 --> 00:20:00,200
"I know what you did."
293
00:20:00,200 --> 00:20:02,120
I already know what you did!
294
00:20:02,120 --> 00:20:05,520
Exactly. I don't have to
worry about it any more.
295
00:20:05,520 --> 00:20:07,480
MOBILE RINGS
296
00:20:17,440 --> 00:20:20,720
Is everything all right?
Would he like a balloon?
297
00:20:20,720 --> 00:20:21,920
Oh, fuck off!
298
00:20:26,120 --> 00:20:29,600
What is it now? £2.79.
Go 2.80. No, 2.89.
299
00:20:29,600 --> 00:20:31,760
Let's throw caution to the wind.
300
00:20:31,760 --> 00:20:35,520
Why don't you just bid 100 or 1,000
or something, scare the others off?
301
00:20:35,520 --> 00:20:38,560
Never show your hand until
the dying seconds, Tea Leaf.
302
00:20:38,560 --> 00:20:42,760
Besides, the seller might
pull the auction if he thinks it's worth something.
303
00:20:42,760 --> 00:20:45,080
They've come straight
back in with £3.10. £3.10?!
304
00:20:45,080 --> 00:20:49,440
Jesus, no one would pay £3.10 for
that - it's just a bag of beans.
305
00:20:49,440 --> 00:20:52,640
It's the Crabtree sisters.
I know it. What should I do?
306
00:20:52,640 --> 00:20:54,440
Give me a time check.
307
00:20:54,440 --> 00:20:58,160
One hour, 40 minutes and 11 seconds.
308
00:20:58,160 --> 00:21:04,680
I'm sending the seller a private
email. "Contact me to come to an arrangement off list."
309
00:21:04,680 --> 00:21:07,360
They just upped it to £3.29, Chelse.
310
00:21:07,360 --> 00:21:10,440
Go £3.50. £3.50? Are you sure?
311
00:21:10,440 --> 00:21:12,560
I'm sure.
312
00:21:15,160 --> 00:21:17,720
They've gone £3.50. Bitches!
Shall I go four?
313
00:21:17,720 --> 00:21:21,560
Hold fire. Make them sweat a bit.
314
00:21:21,560 --> 00:21:25,400
Let me know when it's the
final minute.
315
00:21:30,840 --> 00:21:33,320
I don't know, there are
too many to choose from.
316
00:21:33,320 --> 00:21:35,520
What's that one that you like?
Piccalilli?
317
00:21:35,520 --> 00:21:39,440
Andrei Chikatilo. That's him. What
was he, stabbings? Yeah.
318
00:21:39,440 --> 00:21:42,280
Not keen, Graham. Are you?
HE MUTTERS
319
00:21:42,280 --> 00:21:46,400
It says here, when they arrested
him, they found a man's willy in his kettle!
320
00:21:46,400 --> 00:21:49,520
Honestly! What are they like?
HE WHIMPERS
321
00:21:50,760 --> 00:21:54,240
I like strangles. Mmm.
322
00:21:54,240 --> 00:21:58,240
There's one in here that used
drills. Victor Perez, 1994, 12 victims.
323
00:21:58,240 --> 00:22:00,440
You're not doing that - I've
got a thumping headache.
324
00:22:00,440 --> 00:22:02,840
Have they no quiet ones, David? Hmm.
325
00:22:04,760 --> 00:22:08,840
Alexander Devlin, 1964,
drowned his victims in a bath.
326
00:22:08,840 --> 00:22:12,800
That's do-able, isn't it? How
about that, Graham? Being drowned? ..Go and fill a bath, David.
327
00:22:12,800 --> 00:22:17,640
And put some Matey in it for him if
you can find any. ..Do you have Matey?
328
00:22:19,160 --> 00:22:20,680
David loves a Matey bath.
329
00:22:22,760 --> 00:22:25,920
I am sorry about all this,
Graham, but you know I couldn't
330
00:22:25,920 --> 00:22:29,440
cope without David and
he couldn't cope without me.
331
00:22:29,440 --> 00:22:32,320
Not if he got sent
back to that place.
332
00:22:32,320 --> 00:22:36,240
There was some right strange
people in there, Graham, I tell you.
333
00:22:36,240 --> 00:22:37,920
A woman died.
334
00:22:37,920 --> 00:22:40,320
Mum! Hang on.
335
00:22:50,120 --> 00:22:53,920
Let's have a look.
David, it's stone cold.
336
00:22:53,920 --> 00:22:57,080
What now? You can't put him in that,
he'll freeze to death!
337
00:22:57,080 --> 00:22:59,480
Go and boil a kettle.
That'll take the edge off it.
338
00:22:59,480 --> 00:23:01,080
I'll swirl him in a drop of Radox.
339
00:23:01,080 --> 00:23:02,600
Help him relax.
340
00:23:08,600 --> 00:23:12,560
Stop! Mum! He's getting away!
GRAHAM YELLS
341
00:23:12,560 --> 00:23:13,960
Get after him!
342
00:23:13,960 --> 00:23:15,800
If he goes to the police...
343
00:23:15,800 --> 00:23:17,560
TYRES SQUEAL
Argh!
344
00:23:17,560 --> 00:23:18,600
THUD!
345
00:23:18,600 --> 00:23:21,360
Oh, no, never mind, we're all right.
346
00:23:23,040 --> 00:23:28,120
Oh, look, he did have Matey.
What a lie!
347
00:23:29,280 --> 00:23:34,920
A few years ago I had to spend
some time in an institution.
348
00:23:34,920 --> 00:23:38,160
Just because you were a dwarf?
That is outrageous.
349
00:23:39,160 --> 00:23:42,200
No, not because of that.
I had some...
350
00:23:42,200 --> 00:23:44,560
issues, mentally.
351
00:23:44,560 --> 00:23:46,760
Don't be scared, its all sorted.
352
00:23:46,760 --> 00:23:50,920
I used to be a werewolf,
but I'm all right now-ooo!
353
00:23:50,920 --> 00:23:53,920
Really? That as well?
354
00:23:53,920 --> 00:23:55,560
No, I was joking.
355
00:23:55,560 --> 00:23:57,160
So, you're not a dwarf?
356
00:23:57,160 --> 00:23:59,680
No, I am a dwarf.
357
00:23:59,680 --> 00:24:03,240
I'm not a werewolf. Oh!
358
00:24:03,240 --> 00:24:05,000
Anyway.
359
00:24:05,000 --> 00:24:07,360
While I was there,
360
00:24:07,360 --> 00:24:09,560
a woman was killed.
361
00:24:09,560 --> 00:24:13,800
Whoever is sending these messages
seems to think I killed her. But I didn't. It was...
362
00:24:18,040 --> 00:24:22,360
Sorry. I just keep thinking
about you in those films.
363
00:24:24,520 --> 00:24:27,000
I have this, erm, fantasy.
364
00:24:27,000 --> 00:24:29,840
No, I'm embarrassed.
365
00:24:29,840 --> 00:24:31,360
No, go on.
366
00:24:33,720 --> 00:24:37,440
I'm Snow White asleep
in her glass coffin.
367
00:24:37,440 --> 00:24:42,040
And you're Blusher,
and you come to try and rouse me.
368
00:24:43,560 --> 00:24:45,800
You've really thought
this through, haven't you?
369
00:24:45,800 --> 00:24:49,280
What about the rest of my costume?
Just the hat.
370
00:24:59,040 --> 00:25:02,520
DOOR CLOSES
Ooh, I am pooped.
371
00:25:02,520 --> 00:25:05,040
We had two ectopics
back to back today.
372
00:25:05,040 --> 00:25:06,720
I've been like a blue-arsed fly.
373
00:25:06,720 --> 00:25:09,840
HE CHUCKLES
374
00:25:09,840 --> 00:25:12,880
Don't suppose you've had a chance
to look at the crossword, then?
375
00:25:12,880 --> 00:25:14,520
18 down's a real stinker.
376
00:25:17,800 --> 00:25:20,720
George, what's wrong?
377
00:25:31,480 --> 00:25:34,280
♪ Some day my prince will come. ♪
378
00:25:34,280 --> 00:25:36,760
I'm coming. One sec.
379
00:25:40,040 --> 00:25:42,080
♪ Hi ho! ♪
380
00:25:43,280 --> 00:25:45,120
WOLF WHISTLES
381
00:25:45,120 --> 00:25:47,680
THEY LAUGH LOUDLY
382
00:25:51,840 --> 00:25:54,720
I'm sorry, but that is so funny.
383
00:25:54,720 --> 00:25:58,120
Well, it's true that television adds
a few pounds.
384
00:25:58,120 --> 00:26:01,520
Go ahead, let's see you stamp
your foot like Rumpled Foreskin!
385
00:26:03,040 --> 00:26:05,160
I think he looks cute.
386
00:26:08,600 --> 00:26:11,440
MOCKING LAUGHTER
387
00:26:11,960 --> 00:26:13,240
Oh!
388
00:26:18,680 --> 00:26:22,200
Well,
some people just can't take a joke.
389
00:26:30,040 --> 00:26:31,800
Maybe they've lost interest.
390
00:26:31,800 --> 00:26:35,080
Nah. He's in there all right.
391
00:26:35,080 --> 00:26:37,360
I can feel it.
392
00:26:37,360 --> 00:26:39,240
80 seconds, Mr Lomax.
393
00:26:39,240 --> 00:26:43,360
78, 77, 76.
394
00:26:43,360 --> 00:26:46,760
What do I do? I'm bidding a fiver.
Leave it.
395
00:26:46,760 --> 00:26:51,360
67. 66, 65, 64...
396
00:26:51,360 --> 00:26:56,960
63, 62, 61, one minute. Go! £50.
397
00:26:58,200 --> 00:26:59,760
£60.
398
00:26:59,760 --> 00:27:00,840
75.
399
00:27:04,840 --> 00:27:06,040
40 seconds.
400
00:27:07,200 --> 00:27:09,680
MUSIC: "EastEnders" Theme
401
00:27:09,680 --> 00:27:11,720
COMPUTER BEEPS
402
00:27:21,600 --> 00:27:22,920
220, Chelse. Do it.
403
00:27:23,520 --> 00:27:24,760
230.
404
00:27:27,440 --> 00:27:31,200
Bob...come and look at this.
405
00:27:34,040 --> 00:27:35,240
What is it?
406
00:27:35,240 --> 00:27:39,000
How long left? 25 seconds. 300.
407
00:27:39,000 --> 00:27:42,160
£300?! 320 now.
408
00:27:42,160 --> 00:27:45,120
There's an e-mail from one of
them saying "name your price".
409
00:27:45,120 --> 00:27:48,360
Pull it! What? Pull the ad! £400.
410
00:27:48,360 --> 00:27:53,600
You said you'd e-mail the seller.
There's no time for that. 500? More zeros. Get off!
411
00:27:53,600 --> 00:27:55,240
If they're willing to pay five...
412
00:27:55,240 --> 00:28:01,360
£600, who knows much it could
be worth? I can't stop it. I thought you'd been on a course. Ian!
413
00:28:01,360 --> 00:28:05,400
10 seconds. 9, 8...
414
00:28:05,400 --> 00:28:06,640
9,000!
415
00:28:08,240 --> 00:28:12,120
9,000! And one penny!
416
00:28:13,280 --> 00:28:17,600
Press delete! I can't do it with you
standing over me. Ian!
417
00:28:17,600 --> 00:28:21,800
5, 4... 3, 2...
418
00:28:24,680 --> 00:28:26,200
Did we win?
419
00:28:27,400 --> 00:28:28,680
Did we get it?
420
00:28:30,520 --> 00:28:35,680
Well done, son. Now all we've got to
do is find the bloody thing.
421
00:28:45,400 --> 00:28:48,480
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
422
00:28:48,480 --> 00:28:52,240
E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk
423
00:28:52,290 --> 00:28:56,840
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
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