All language subtitles for Portlandia s03e08 Soft Opening.eng

Hi, my name's Matthew...

Let me show you how it works.

...making the smoke alarm
go off...

Are you gonna run?

He'll run.

Sorry!

Bye!

Okay, that's it,

and now I'll go light
the incense stick,

and we'll all watch.

Dude, Matt.
What the heck is this?

- It's my rube goldberg machine.
- It's my rube goldberg--

look, I have a girl
in there with no parents home.

I need the incense.

Chase, if you step
one more... pace closer,

I'm going to light
myself on fire.

Relax, dude.

Nobody's getting near--

[Screams] [Smoke alarm beeps]

[Dog barks]

(Slow motion) - What the heck?
(Slow motion) - It's starting.

[Laughs]

[Slow motion] Aah!

Chase, when are you coming
back in the house?

Uh...

I'll be in in a second.

Wait, is that
a rube goldberg machine?

- Who built it?
- Me...

Sync and corrections by n17t01
www.addic7ed.com

[Woman] Soft opening, hon.

Good job, hon.

We're in business.

- Hello.
- Hi.

Thanks for coming.
This is our "B" and "B".

Welcome to
the Quilted Tea Kettle Inn.

- Oh my gosh.
- Very nice.

So official.

And this is a soft opening,
so, you know--

It's free?

- It is free.
- It's free.

But you know, you just give
us your notes and--

- Told you it was free.
- Yes, well, I didn't know.

- Thanks for asking.
- It's just for you guys

to let us know how we're doing,

so we can change anything
before it gets official.

- Well, when do we start?
- Start with signing in.

- Okay, sorry.
- Please sign in.

- I'll sign in here.
- All right.

Love it already.

Right, well, I'm going
to stop you there.

And what you've done there

is you've put things
in the wrong place.

So, address.
"Love it already."

Well, you don't live at
"love it already," do you?

And your remarks
are "Donald."

So what do you think
of the place? "Donald."

Well, that makes
no sense at all.

It's okay.

Let me show you right
to your room.

- Thanks so much.
- Thank you so much.

Oh, look. Looks like you
got a good comment already.

[Doorbell rings] Hi, guys.

Hello, welcome.

- Come on in.
- This is lovely.

Thanks for letting us
practice on you guys.

Tell me a little bit
of something

how this bed and breakfast works.
What is that about?

It's like you're staying at
someone's house, but it's a hotel.

Then in the morning, you come
down, we make breakfast,

and-- our breakfast
is 8:00 AM to 8:30 AM.

- Well, okay.
- We can live with that.

It's just stress-free.

You know,
this is going to give us

a little romantic
time together.

So we get a chance
to rekindle the old fires

and kick the tires, you know.

The opening will
definitely not be soft.

- You can believe that.
- Oh, my goodness.

[Laughs] Ronald!

Well, Peter will show you
to your room.

Okay, we'll just follow you.

[Door creaks loudly]

They sleeping?

Hey, you guys doing all right?

Having a good,
comfortable sleep?

Oh, hey.

Uh, is there anything
I can get you guys at all?

Oh, I stayed at
a bed and breakfast once

in Nantucket.

And they had towels folded

into the shape of animals.

You could do something
like that.

- Make wash time fun.
- Okay, okay.

There is no request
that we cannot handle.

- Right?
- Right away.

Honey, we've got
to make this good.

They're going to be
so impressed

they aren't gonna
wanna use these towels.

A bunch of wet guests
coming down.

Let me design it
in my head first.

Okay.

[Towels rustling]

And just think what those
comments are going to say.

- Let's start over again.
- Let's start over.

I want our reviews to be good.

I'm going to do a snail.

Oh, listen to that.
[Bed squeaking, groaning]

I think that's Stu
and Donald going at it.

I think you're right.
[Loud groan]

See you at breakfast time
bright and early.

Oh, that was a joke.

I was doing Dracula.

Hon, we've got this.

This is going to be a good

soft opening.

[Muffled shout]

[Man] All right, guys.

So, for August,
we're doing the man issue.

- Yay.
- We want a cover story, a profile.

I think what we should do
is we should find one man

in Portland, that is living

his life in a way that we think

embodies manhood.

I will say I was at a party
the other night.

And everyone
was talking about TV,

and this guy's like,
"I'm not watching TV anymore.

I actually started
making furniture."

And here's a guy
that used to work at an office,

and he's really
embracing masculinity.

Yes, please.

[Man imitating saw]

I wanted to actually ask you

- about your boyfriend, Caleb.
- Uh-huh.

Is he still making furniture?

- Yes.
- You are really lucky.

Thank you.

[Man imitating sanding]

We're looking for something
to outfit him

for a photo shoot that
they're doing later this month.

On the front cover
of the Portland Monthly.

Wow, congratulations.

He makes furniture.

- Oh, cool.
- Yes.

Somebody that builds furniture could
build your whole house for you.

And then he could build all the
furniture to go in the house.

He could build the crib
for the baby, and then

he could even build our caskets for
our funerals ahead of time, you know?

I mean,
I want the furniture guy.

Of course he had
a girlfriend, you know.

Of course.

[Man imitating tools]

That-- your shirt
would go great on it.

That-- your shirt
would go great on it.

It's a lavatory vanity box.

I have to saw into that a little bit more.
It's not finished.

I got to varnish it and get
a bigger hole to get the...

Hey, I'm Royce!

And milk is back!

The newest one is cookie milk.

It's milk made from cookies.

Turn your nose up
at your mom and say,

"hey, you know what?
I'm out of here,

'cause it's
cookie milk time."

What? Cookie milk time.

[Gulping sounds]

Mmm.

- Muscles.
- So aggressive.

And also for fine dining.

Pour yourself some cookie milk.

[Yawning] All right,
here's the elephant.

[Peter]
I could do this one for...

Let's go to sleep, hon.

- Sleepy time.
- Hey...

what time is it, though?

- It's ten to 8:00.
- Wait, what?

Oh, Peter.
We stayed up all night.

We have to make
breakfast, Nance.

We were supposed to have
breakfast ready.

We got to do it.
We have to go do it.

- God damn it.
- Fuck!

- God fucking--
- Fuck!

- Ah, God--
- Damn it!

Where's the milk?

Where's the milk?

- What time is it?
- It's 8:00 right now.

[Sighs]

I don't know
what we're going to do.

They're still waiting
on everybody to come in.

- What time do you have?
- I don't know where they are.

Um...

Have you come far,
either of you?

No, we live about five,
ten minutes from here.

- Oh, really?
- Mm-hmm.

- You're Portland based?
- Yes, Portland based.

- Maybe we can go have some
breakfast at yours. - We may as well,

because--
we're sitting right here,

we're not going to get
anything right now.

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow,
ow, ow, ow.

- Get it together.
- You get it together.

- Oh, you get it together.
- Okay, we'll both get it together.

- Nance?
- What?

Are they done?

- This isn't even on.
- What? Peter!

By the way,
are you guys brothers?

Peter, just keep smiling.

No matter what you do
when we go out there--

it doesn't matter
if we go out at 9:30,

- just keep smiling.
- Shh.

- What?
- Goddamn it!

- Peter...
- We have plenty. Don't yell at me.

You little shit!

- All right, we did it.
- All right.

Good, good.

- We are hungry.
- We made you breakfast.

- Here's the coffee.
- We are starving, too.

It all looks good.

- All right. Finito.
- All right.

We might take a little nap.

- Enjoy your breakfast.
- Yup.

You know,
we were really interested

in that jalopy ride.

You know what would look
good in the brochure?

- Jalopy rides.
- Jalopy rides, great.

- And we definitely want to do
the couples massage. - Absolutely.

- Oh, I know something
for the brochure. - Hmm?

Couples massage.

- It's fine. No one's going to get it.
- Okay.

You guys can make that
happen for us?

You think you'll like
that jalopy ride-- around the city?

You just do the jalopy ride,
and I'll do the massage.

- Okay.
- Okay?

- Cannot wait to drive you.
- Fantastic.

We get to keep these, right?

[Woman] - Enter, comrade.
[Man] - Come on in.

Welcome, all of you,

Rose City steampunks,

to the 37th annual
"OreCon" convention.

Glad we all made it,
got some new faces,

some familiar ones.
Ramon, how are you?

Uh, I'd like to point out also Ramon
has a zoetrope he's introducing.

It's a little bit of animation
that goes on in his hat.

And I think we got a really
good rate on the hotel.

- We got a really good deal
on this room. - Oh, sorry.

I didn't-- yes.

So this is me speaking as me.

But right now of course
I'm introducing myself

as Captain DD Cumulus.

I, of course,
am Lady Opal Night Stream.

But you guys might remember me.
I'm Cindy.

Just in case you guys
wanted to find me on Facebook.

- Cindy.
- Mm-hmm.

Lady Opal Night Stream.
[Toy gun chirps]

Maybe we'll just hold off
on that for a little while.

But that's great.
We've got some great little inventions.

We fight with invention.

We fight with ingenuity.

[Gun chirps]

Why are you doing that?

Our plot today is to rescue
a damsel in distress.

You guys remember Susan
from last year?

So this year she decides
to attend a fan fiction critique

with her new friends.

We really liked
having her around,

and she was great and she
helped with some of the...

you know, van rentals
and stuff, so...

we should get her back.

Now when that wind
gets in our faces,

those goggles come down
and they cover our eyes.

Now this mission requires
all of your concentration and--

will you...

would you mind
turning that off, please?

Just... there you go.

Now I'm very proud
to be with all of you.

Do you know what I mean?
Hey.

What did I just say
about the light?

Anyway, pinkies up.

I expect the best from you.

- Full steam ahead.
- Full steam ahead.

[Toy gun chirps]

Full steam ahead.

All aboard.

Ahoy.

Oh, my God.

Well, hello.

I'm Captain DD Cumulus.

Lady Opal Night Stream.

Hi, I'm Ellen from Earth.

We are on a mission
to rescue our comrade.

We're taking an airship
to rescue her.

An airship?

The SS Isabella.

What kind of gas mileage
do you get?

Gas?

[Toy gun chirps]

Hey, Eric, I think
we're going to

have to let you go.

You're a brilliant inventor.

I wish you could invent
a part of your brain

that doesn't hit that gun
all the time.

And listen, I'll write you
a recommendation.

Yeah, feel free
to use me as a referral.

Telegram her
or morse-code her or whatever.

I will text you my number.

[Toy gun chirps]

That is pretty fun.
I get it.

Let's go!

As he felt her petticoats,
the buggy bounced

and the horse...

[All] Susan!

Susan, come with us.

Can I help you?

Oh, um, we're here for Susan.

Hold on, can we just--
Susan, come on.

Susan, it's me, Cindy.

Remember when we played
Settlers of Catan

and you wore a bustle?

For the SS Isabella--

Susan, when you look
at the North Star,

remember us, remember us.

Remember us!

Susan!

Truth is stranger
than fan fiction.

There's no release
on this massage, right?

It's just a regular
massage, right?

This is a...
oh, I didn't ask.

Oh, um... hi, guys.

- Hello.
- Here we are.

You ready for a massage?

- Very much so.
- Oh, yes. Can't wait.

Do you have
any allergies to oils?

Is that Peter or Nance?

It's Peter.

Oh, sorry.

[Car engine knocking]

[Man] I love this tour, though.

- Do you guys feel like
royalty back there? - I do.

You feel like royalty?

Uh, here we go.

You know,
Peter, there's no music.

Can you sing maybe, or hum?

[Singing in foreign language]

It's actually very nice music.

At the wine and cheese event,

is there going to be
pepper Jack there?

The wine and cheese.

Wine and cheese tasting.

No one's going to show up.

- Yeah, at 4:00, right?
- Yes.

[Engine knocking]
[Cell phone ringing]

Hello?

- Nance.
- Hi, hon.

We forgot about the wine.

Of course.

It's at 4:00.

We're gonna just make
a fun little stop

- and get that wine.
- Don't forget the cheese.

Okay, okay.

That actually feels very good.

I can't even feel anything.

[Engine sputters]

[Sighs]

- Oh, honey.
- I'm so sorry.

You know what?
You guys just relax.

Just relax.

Yeah, we've never been
to a soft opening before.

Does this happen regularly?

[Woman whispering]
Should we get out

before this car
catches on fire?

I think it's going
to be okay. Don't worry.

- She said it's cool.
- What is she doing?

I think she's
trying to find a ride.

- Mm.
- No, she didn't.

[Horn honks] Oh, look.

Someone's coming to help us.

This is what I call
a good jalopy.

So what do you think
of our soft opening, huh?

I call it a modest triumph,
my friend.

Peter, is it supposed to burn?

Are you burning?

No, I was just wondering
if it's supposed to.

A trip to Italy.

What?

Me and you are going to Italy.

When?

Today, tonight.

That's crazy. Okay.
Wow, really?

- I just thought, like, "ugh, let's just--"
- Whatever! Okay!

Isn't this only
your third date with her?

Yeah, we went on
a couple dates,

- it works.
- Two dates.

Now, this is like
a romantic move.

I mean, are we going to keep
going on these little dates?

Like, go up to Mount Tabor
and have a picnic.

I want to like, take a chance.

- Don't worry.
- Okay.

Okay, I'm going
to send you pictures.

- Both of you, right?
- Yes.

No, I wish someone would
invite me on a trip to Italy.

- You got everything? You look really cute.
- Yeah, yeah.

You should get some sleep.

I can't sleep on planes.

I don't want to sleep
for to long when we get in

'cause there's like
a lot of activities and stuff.

I'll be fine, I'll be fine.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- Italy.
- Mm.

Uh-oh, checking passports.

I hope you haven't done any crimes.
[Laughs]

I did bank robbery.

Oh, really?

- You're such a funny guy.
- Yeah.

So your sister,
you were saying,

- is from Vermont, right?
- Yeah. Yeah.

So nice.

[Yawning] It's really pretty.

Hmm.

I guess this is the bathroom.

Maybe stand on the toilet

to go to the shower as well.

- They should put the lamps in there.
- Right?

I'm really tired, is that okay?

- Sleep time.
- Okay.

And then we'll both take a
shower-- I'm kidding. [Laughs]

- No.
- Yeah.

- I'm not there yet.
- No, I know.

- Yeah.
- I was totally joking around.

We can rent Scooters too.

Some of-- my friend told me
you can rent Scooters.

It's fun.

Vespas.

[Clock ticking]

[Bell dings] [Shower running]

Brad?

- Oh.
- Brad?

Oh.

I didn't know you were awake.

- Are you peeing?
- Yes.

Oh.

I'm hungry.

Maybe we could get some food

or go for a walk or something.

It's pretty late at night.

Oh, my God.

Is it 3:00 AM?

Wait a minute.

It's Sunday, right?

When does our flight leave?

The flight is...

at 6:00
in the morning.

We have to leave
like in an hour.

Right? It's Sunday.

- I slept through the whole day
and the whole night. - Yeah.

Why didn't you wake me up?

Don't be mad at me about it.

I tried. I mean like
you were out, out, out.

This is very badly planned.

We have like an hour.

Do you wanna--
should we, like, make out?

I'm not really in the mood.

These tickets, by the way,

it was, like, six grand.

What's wrong with you?

- Hey!
- Hi, welcome back.

Wow.

- Wow.
- What are you looking at?

Oh, my gosh.
Your photo album.

Oh, I should take those down.

- Really?
- Mm-hmm.

Everyone on the internet,

they're not having as great
a time as you think they are.

I guess people are just
cropping out all the sadness.

All right, I'm gonna go scream
into my pillow for a little while.

How's the wine and cheese
party going?

You didn't get wine.

No.

- Cheese?
- No.

Because of that situation
with the breakfast,

I'm not actually expecting
any wine or any cheese.

The thing is
I don't drink wine,

I'm allergic to cheese, so...

I came in the hope
that there wouldn't be.

[Peter] Where's the wine?

I couldn't get it.
The jalopy broke down.

Oh, it broke down?
Are you okay?

I'm fine, but it's not going to
happen, the wine and cheese.

They're going to give us
the worst comments.

It's just-- we're not
cut out for this, Peter.

"Horrible" has two Rs?

Two Rs, yeah.

Horr-- horr...

Yeah, you know,
we had a good run.

And we did our best,
and look, we learned a lot.

- Let's tell them, let's apologize.
- Yeah.

Okay?
We'll just fess up.

Nance and I
just want to formally

apologize to you.

We're really very sorry.

We're going to shut down
the business.

We obviously
don't know how to run it.

We just-- we feel like
we're just not cut out for this.

It really hasn't been
that much of a disaster.

We had a great time
on the ride.

On the jalopy ride
and everything.

- Really? Wow.
- The night was fantastic.

This is a whole new
approach, and I love it.

- Are you just being nice?
- No.

- No, no.
- Can I say something?

- Yes.
- I had a horrible...

ba-- back.

And then the message--

Massage.

- Massage.
- "Changed my back,

and made it
a better back."

I'm just going
to fix everybody.

Wish I could fix myself.

"I'm fixed. I'm fixed."

That's... it's unbelievable.

And the vomiting that
followed the breakfast was...

a part of it.

It was a sort of cleansing.

We didn't have
enough coffee for you.

- I just feel like we really let
you guys down. - What is coffee?

I don't want some
black drink-- no offense.

None taken.

[Stammering]

What about the wine?

I think you offer
something unique.

- You guys did a fantastic job.
- Yes, you did.

We did it.

We just lost sight
of what a "B" and "B" is.

It's not about perfection.

No, all the little disasters,

it was part of the charm.

Even when we were
down in the dumps

in the kitchen,
I never stopped loving you.

It's those green eyes, Peter.

I wish I could see them.

- I love you.
- I love you.

[Both] Mm.

Well, I think we
should raise a glass.

[All chattering]

To our host and hostess.

[Slide whistle blows]

[Liquid pours, glass breaks]

Nance.

[Woman singing in Italian]

What kind of furniture
do you make?

Tell her about it a little bit.

Uh, just sitters,
basic bench chairs.

- Uh-huh.
- Front chairs and down chairs.

Up chairs, mid chairs.

- Cool.
- Uh, I got a circular.

Those are real tough
to do, 'cause the trick

is you gotta--

but, uh, a couple
circular sitters.

- Yeah.
- Rounders.

- Wow. - Have you ever been with
a guy who makes furniture?

- No.
- It's really fun.

Sync and corrections by n17t01
www.addic7ed.com

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