All language subtitles for Portlandia s03e04 Ninas Birthday.eng

[Alarm clock buzzing]

Lance? Lance, wake up.

You know what today is?

Su-- Tuesday.

It's three weeks
before my birthday.

That's really great.
I'm gonna go back to sleep.

Okay, wait.

Okay, Birthday magazine says one
thing to do is to have activities.

Look at these people.
They went all the way out to a beach.

They're all French.
Ooh, la la! Ooh, la la!

I don't care about birthdays.
They just make you feel older.

Oh, I love this. Gavin Rossdale.
Look what he got for Gwen Stefani.

A reggae band.

And they came in on a balloon.

That just seems
really elaborate.

Would it be fine
if we just did something

like, just me and you,
and, like,

I don't know, just,
like, one other friend.

Yeah, that's a good idea. And then, like,
maybe that day we won't even get out of bed

and we'll just laze around the house
and we'll just, like, fall asleep

and, like, why even bother living
and having a relationship at all?

I mean, just, like, some dumb girl
who you just, like, hang out with,

and it's not convenient to
have a birthday party for her.

You know, I mean, I get that.

Okay, I don't get all of this,

- but I'll do it.
- You gonna be grouchy?

I'm gonna have, like, the
biggest frown you've ever seen.

Like stand up and walk out
in a huff and slam the door?

Uh-huh. I'm gonna
yell at you so loud.

- Okay, can I go back to sleep?
- Yes. I love you, Lance.

I'm just gonna try to set up
an evite invitation.

"You are invited.

Please join us as we
celebrate--

Celecrate?

Celebrate Nina's
32nd birthday...

Activities-- 5:30 AM
pre-dawn horseback ride.

6:15 AM sunrise yoga.

10:30 AM arts and crafts.
Make anything,

maybe a Nina doll.
12:00 PM dessert first.

Make-you-own-sundae bar
followed by lunch. $20.00.

1:00 PM party bus departs

from Beachside Activity Center
to Party Central.

2:00 PM
arrive at Party Central.

"...4:00 to 5:15 PM
disco nap. Optional.

Wait until you see
our disco nap room!"

- Maybe we could bring Alexandra.
- Oh, good idea.

- Bring me where?
- Hey.

Oh, we're just reading
our friend's evite.

"6:00 PM
herb garden cocktail party.

7:15 PM poker..."

$200 buy in. That's kind
of a little steep.

Yikes. "7:45 PM Mexican mariachi
sunset horseback ride..."

"...we've got the horses for the whole day
so here's your chance to ride if you can't

make it to the pre-dawn ride.
The sunset one isn't free though, due to mariachi.

$15.00 a head.
9:00 PM--"

- [Woman] "Tapas dinner." - That's perfect!
We're gonna be back from Spain, right?

Yeah, Dave, we're back
on the 30th. This is great.

"Also, the night before, Friday night,
there will be an optional rehearsal dinner

at 6:00 PM okay, list of supplies.
They want us to bring--

"Sunscreen, plenty of water, camera,
extra sneakers or walking shoes,

a light coat for nighttime. PS.
Try to bring lots of cash. No children."

Mmm. Mmm.

Mmm.

[Theme music playing]

Sync and corrections by n17t01
www.addic7ed.com

Ow!
Lance, look at this!

Like, 100 people are coming
already. They already said yes!

I'm nervous now. I'm, like,
nervous for this party.

[Lance] Three people
are coming.

Thor83, he did a plus 97!
Dude, that is funny!

Okay. I was, like, worried we were
gonna have to get a bigger venue.

Like, who brings 97 people
to a party?

He's just joking around?

- That guy does the best replies!
- Who is that?

[Thinking] Plus 97.
Oh, boy, I wonder if that's gonna work.

Just move on. Next evite.

See what we got here.
Paintball party. Okay.

Just be free with it.

Uh, "I'm gonna come
with Lindsay Lohan."

Come on. No.
This is so old.

What if I did plus 96?

No, don't even risk lazy.

You are Thor83.

You have invented the world
of funny evite replies.

Now rule your kingdom!

Uh, paintballs, paintballs--

Oh! "Can't wait.
Bringing a real gun."

[Laughs]

If it makes you laugh,
it gets sent.

That's the rule.
Okay.

Hi, I'm Royce from the Portland
Milk Advisory Board.

I'm Alicia.
Royce is my boss.

I'm Royce and I'm her boss.

He's my boss.

Last week we told you
about berry seed milk.

- It's just jam.
- That's right.

We're advising you
now instead to drink

raw cow's milk.

Just don't be put off
by the color.

Don't give us a hard time
about changing up the milk.

We went to UC Davis.
Do you know what that is?

I graduated first in my class.

- I was dead last.
- He's my boss.

- I like being boss.
- I'm so comfortable here.

I tried drinking it and it's like
putting white clay in your mouth.

We can't not go.

I just don't think
it's in our budget.

I mean, maybe you could
just go.

I don't want to be
with those people by myself.

We're gonna make this work.
There's some way to make this work.

Too many of our friends are
having birthdays this month.

We have to say no to someone.

It can't be Nina.

I know a guy who
robs liquor stores,

and if I just drive him
he gives you a cut of it.

It's not much but
it might cover the tapas.

Maybe we can go to the bank
and get a loan.

You guys need a loan
for a birthday?

We got an evite
for a birthday party.

Okay. Why didn't
you say that?

It is a 30-year fixed loan,

and it is 6.5% interest

and the asterisk means
that we round it up to 8%.

- It's 8%, then.
- Yeah.

- It's not 6.5%.
- For all intensive purposes, it is eight.

The 6.5% interest loan,
that's just the name of it.

The percentage of interest
is actually 8%.

So, basically I'm going to first
ask you a bunch of questions

- about the birthday party.
- [Woman] Okay.

- Not the birthday party, but the--
- Person?

- The person.
- Yeah.

- Is it a boy or a girl?
- Girl.

- Girl.
- Girl. Girl.

- Tomboy or princess?
- More of a princess.

- Princess, I think.
- More of a princess?

Is she a book reader
or a playground diva?

[Both] Playground diva.

Boys like her, or boys,
like to stay away from her?

- She's got a boyfriend.
- She's got a boyfriend?

Cute. What kind of grades
does this person get?

Uh, what do you mean, grades?

Do they get, like,
A's, B's, C's?

- I don't think--
- In sch--

Currently she's
getting any grades--

She's not showing up?

It's not a child. It's an--
full-on adult.

Oh. All right, that's a
completely different form.

- I'm sorry.
- Oh, gosh--

- So maybe we should go back
and change "playground diva." - Huh?

Thank you.

All right! Excited
for this party!

- I feel great. I'm not jet-lagged at all.
- Me neither.

- All right.
- La casa. These are nice. Good choice.

Should we make some paella
for the neighbors?

- Hey, Bill! - The castanets--
are they in here somewhere?

[Horn honks]
Hey, we're gonna take our time, sir.

I am excited for
that party next week.

Could you believe the timing?

How about that it's tapas?

I know. We're gonna be
experts at this party.

Yeah. They're gonna
be asking us.

We should even bring
the paella pot.

Sure. I'm really glad
we got this from the room.

It was a smart idea
to just buy it.

I drove a pretty hard bargain
with those idiots.

- Is this us or them?
- That's his.

Sorry, sir.

[Horn honks]

I want to try my Spanish
out on the waiter.

[Speaks Spanish] Sir, do you have
some more food for us?

[Man] Check it out.
Is that Thor83?

[Woman] Let's go talk to him.

You say it first.

Hi, excuse me. Sorry
to be super annoying.

Are you Thor83?

- Guilty as charged, yes.
- Dude!

I never do stuff like--
can I get a pic--

do you want to get a picture?

Do you mind? Is that
the worst thing--

Let's do it this way, because other
wise we'll be in silhouette.

Do you want to turn around?

What am I, Martin Scorsese
all of a sudden?

Wait, what was that?
You were Martin Scorsese? [Laughs]

Okay, ready? Wait.

- So weird.
- I'm looking in your eyes

and I'm thinking, are you
thinking of replies right now?

I guess by default I'm just replying
to everything you're saying.

- Oh.
- So, yeah, that's-- look, you know,

I'm doing RSVP fest this year,

so if you want I can get you
wristbands if you want to come.

- Oh my God.
- For real?

I'm doing the reply stage,

- I'm doing the maybe tent.
- Oh, man! I would love it!

- Your replies for Nina's birthday
party are so good! - Thank you.

Oh my God, the plus 97 thing--
I've seen, like, plus 97 T-shirts.

- See, that's--
- Are you gonna be there?

No.

Do you go to any
other parties at all?

No.

[Man] We need to--

we need to go to this
birthday party.

Uh-huh.

Did we say it's tapas?

So they're small plates but they
cost as much as a normal plate.

I'm a birthday loan officer.
I know what tapas are.

This is my first birthday loan.

- We don't even come to banks much.
- No.

I totally get it. I mean,
it's recession.

These birthdays... it seems like a person
has a birthday almost every year.

Now I'm gonna ask you guys
a couple of birthday questions

in general, just to establish what level
of birthday respect you guys have.

- Okay.
- Okay.

I mean, are birthdays even
important, right? [Chuckles]

It's just the amount of time the Earth takes
to go around the Sun. Seems so arbitrary.

- Birthdays are very important to us.
- Very important.

That is correct.
That was a trick question.

- We could tell the whole time.
- Yeah.

- Would you say you're a good
birthday guest? - Yeah, I think so.

Sometimes I'll give the gift to the
person next to the birthday person

and then say, just kidding
and hand it to the right person.

Your idea of a fun birthday
is to punk the birthday person?

It's a very light punking.

It sounds like medium
to heavy punking.

They barely know
they're punked,

- then it's all done.
- It's over, yeah.

What's the best birthday
gift you've ever received?

My high school friends gave me a
moose head from an antique store.

I gave you a nice wallet.
Last birthday.

And a wallet.

- I'll change it to the wallet.
- I've already checked moose head.

You checked a box
for "moose head"?

All right, let me crunch
some numbers.

We're gonna input
all this information

into the loan computer,
and we'll see how we do.

Should we just sit here?

Most people just sit there.

That seems to ne the overwhelming
majority of people's actions.

Can we take one
of these lollipops?

[Man] Can we have one
of these lollipops?

Sir? Excuse me--

Those are display pops.

All right. Congratulations.

You just don't want to
get the desk dirty.

Congratulations, you guys have
qualified for a birthday loan.

- Thank you so much. Thank you so much.
- Thank you.

I am a birthday loan officer.
This is what I do.

You guys, it's my birthday.
Aren't you excited for me?

I'm gonna go with my boyfriend Lance and
we're gonna make, like, a big entrance.

Everyone's gonna probably
applaud when we walk in,

and he's gonna have, like, a suit,
and he's gonna look really good,

'cause he never wears a suit.

Tails? I'm not a magician.

You know what? I don't like the man-to-man
contact like that. What else do you have?

I wish you guys could come, but
I don't know you well enough.

And it's kind of an exclusive
party 'cause it's my birthday.

I know I have weird fingers.

This used to be webbed
and they had it removed

because people would
make fun of me.

You know what this jacket says?
"Pussy whipped."

Next. Do you have
a leather tux?

Lance, you look so elegant!

That's not a term you compliment
a guy with. "Elegant"?

You didn't even notice!
I got extensions.

Like, we're changing
for the party.

- What did you extend?
- My hair!

Why do I have to dress a certain way at your birthday?
It's just your birthday!

It's just my birthday?

It's a big deal to me, Lance!
It means a lot to me.

Just, like, dress up nice
for my birthday, please!

You don't like this?

Oh, my, who's the stranger
in the peach white?

I'm really glad you're
having a birthday,

and I was totally on board with it,
but now it's taking over our lives.

- Lance, you're not even trying.
- I'm tired of distressing me out so much!

Sir, can you--
honey, you're--

- I just got to get out of here.
- Lance, where are you going?

Let me go!

Isn't he cute?

Lance! Lance, wait!

Where are you going?

You're gonna make it
to the party, right?

Lance!

No. Delete that one.
Delete that one.

You can't even tell whose birthday--
it looks like it's his birthday.

Eric, let's do these over.

First round of pictures,
like, wasn't right.

Can we do a surprised one?

- We're surprised?
- No. Only me.

Pardon us. So sorry.
Happy birthday.

You guys made it!
We have tapas.

I heard you guys went to Spain.

- We just came back from Spain, everyone.
- Yep.

- We were in Salamanca.
- So just to note,

we would not be eating
right now if we were in Spain.

- What?
- This is inauthentic.

What is that?
Is that a Rioja?

I'll show you how to pour this.
In Spain they don't care.

They don't look at the glass.

They live and they breathe

and they don't care if they have a job.
And they, "I'm in love with you.

I love you.
I don't love you." It's a very--

- but that's how they stay alive longer.
- I'm just gonna pass on these.

- Totally inauthentic.
- Yeah.

Is there a tortilla Espa�ola,
or anything with egg?

Where's that egg?

[Man] "Juevas."
Where did she go?

- [Woman] At least a "cerveza."
- [Man] An espresso coffee!

We're in the tapas ghetto
down here.

I think we're gonna
have to fill up on garnish.

Can we get some of anything?

Can we get five plates
of what this is?

- Oh, yeah.
- And some more meatballs.

- Just down to right here--
- We'll probably start it down here

and then it will
get down to you.

Guys? Oh, um, so, okay,

Lance is on his way
but thank you for coming.

He says hi to everybody.

That's a total lie.

I haven't heard
from him at all.

You have, like, a guy's
point of view,

and that's like
the thing that, like,

I forget that, like,

guys and girls are in
essence really different.

But that's the thing
that, like--

he just, like, does
his own thing,

and, like, it's kind of
sexy at first--

I'm so glad-- like, I'm glad that you
and I can talk, as real people...

Can I get another for
my friend over here?

- Thanks.
- I'm Lance.

Lance? Jim.

So you having trouble
with the missus?

I mean, yeah, you know,
it's my old lady's birthday

and she's making such
a big deal about it.

It happens every year.
It is not a national holiday.

You know, Lance,
I used to be just like you.

- Birthdays are no big deal--
- That's what I'm saying.

But it doesn't work
like that, Lance.

Birthdays are special.

What do you mean?

I would suggest the cilantro.

One thing that's
more authentic--

these are roasted.
Roast the cilantro.

We're eating, as you probably
know, a little early.

You probably find this
as humorous as us,

people are eating at 7:00.

- I mean--
- [Laughs]

- Give us some of the food!
- Who are these people?

I've never met any
of these people.

Three birthdays in
a month is too much.

[Clapping] Nina, you're 32.

It's your day.
We're here to say.

- That flan's never making it down here.
- No. No.

As they say in Espa�a...

That would never
happen in Spain.

We have to fix this.

Ole ole!

Feliz cumplea�os, Nina.

Guys, that's the nicest thing
anyone has ever done.

Thank you so much for coming here.
[Burps]

You all mean the world to me--

[Strums]

Nina. David!

We would like to give you
a traditional birthday song.

Let me tell you a story.

My old lady's last birthday.

I got up extra early,

I decorated the bedroom
with streamers.

- Streamers?
- Streamers.

Doesn't make you feel pussy whipped
to be doing everything she wants?

I'm proud to be
pussy whipped to that woman.

And that night that woman was willing
to do anything and everything

that I wanted her to do.
She was doing backflips all night long.

I'd like to see Nina
doing some backflips.

You got a picture of her?

Sure do. Look at
this sweet thing.

- Wow, redhead, huh?
- So ladylike.

It's not often I get to see
a woman as fine as that.

She could be a model, right?

You mean she's not?

She's my little model.

Can I see that again, Lance?

Go easy, buddy.

Wow, she is something else.

You better do everything that you
can to hold on to that girl.

[Nina] Lance?

Why don't I put my card down?

Why don't we-- here, do you want
to just have a look at that.

Do you want to put it
on my card or your--

Why don't we?

Maybe we should call
that guy that--

I can't-- I'm not sure--

We know a guys who handles
these kinds of bills.

[Dialing]

Hello, everybody.
Nina, happy birthday.

- I'm told we have a situation.
- Oh, hi, yeah.

- I can't figure out the bill.
- Let's have a look, sweetheart.

It's 15 people minus
the birthday girl.

She's gratis. All right, who had wine?
Raise your hand, please.

A 10-way split for the wine.
Any vegetarians at the table?

No meat dishes on your tab.
All right, how was the service?

- Uh, adequate?
- Could you put that into a number for me?

I think it's a qualitative--

- Can I get a number?
- 7.5.

We'll call it 18.6%.

That leaves the damage
at $93.50 each,

$82.20 for the veggies,
$58.55 for the teetotalers.

- I'm gonna be paying for my girlfriend.
- Then double it. 187 even.

[Cell phone rings] Excuse me.

Yeah. Applebee's?
How many in your party?

Ciao.
Softball team...

[All applauding]

Okay?

- So when is Nina's birthday party?
- It's tonight.

You know there's still time.

I should go.

Thanks, man.

You bet, Lance.

- And Lance--
- Yeah?

Keep the shiny side up,
brother.

You too, man.

Oh, if you find more almonds,
there's spiced almonds,

just save them in
a to-go container.

- We'll see you later! I'll call you later!
- Bye!

And if there's any more-- like,
I don't need any of the wine,

but if there's other bottles
of wine that aren't open yet,

we can take some of those home.
I don't know if that's a problem.

- Okay, I'll go look.
- Thank you.

[Lance] Nina!

Are you ready for
that pre-dawn horseback ride?

Lance! I can't believe this!

You're a knight!

Look up at the sky.

There's a balloon.

Inside that balloon
is the band No Doubt.

- I see them! Hi!
- Hey! Hi! Happy birthday!

How did you do it?

I asked.

Because I realized your birthday is
the most special day of the year.

Oh, Lance, you're so perfect!

- I'm freaking out! I can't believe how
good it is! - It's not just special for you.

Your birthday is special to me.

Are we gonna go on
a horseback ride?

- Just you and me and these
horses. And No Doubt. - Hey!

Lance, this is crazy!
I love you!

- I love you too-
- He's crazy! Like we got into a fight

and he didn't even come to my birthday party
and I thought about him the whole time.

- Can you even hear me?
- [Lance] Yep.

- Can you hear me?
- [Gwen Stefani] I can't hear you.

What does Gavin do for you
on your birthday?

Do you guys get into fights?

Do you and Gavin get
into fights?

[Flamenco music playing]

Would love to come there.
I am on a two-week birthday-party cleanse.

[Imitating Marlon Brando]
I coulda been a consigliere.

It'll be me and 97 friends.
[Audience laughs, hoots]

This RSV has been peed.

Thank you. I'm Thor83.
[Applause]

Send me an evite. Thanks.

[Flamenco music playing]

Sync and corrections by n17t01
www.addic7ed.com

Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0