All language subtitles for Portlandia s02e05 Cops Redisign.eng

Come on, boy.
Let's go for a walk.

Hey, Melanie.

- Hey, Jason. I didn't know
you were back in L.A. - Yeah.

You won't believe
what I saw on my trip.

♪ Ooh-ooh ♪

Let me guess-- in Portland.

Yeah, but--
Here, follow me.

You remember the '90s when everyone
was pickling their own vegetables

and brewing their own beer?

People were growing out
their mutton chops

and waxing their
handlebar mustaches?

- The '90s?
- Yeah.

Everyone was knitting and sewing
clothes for their children.

People were wearing glasses
all the time,

- like contact lenses had
never been invented. - Wait.

Are we talking about the 1990s?

No.

The 1890s.

♪ The dream of the '90s
is alive in Portland ♪

♪ It's the dream of the 1890s
in Portland ♪

♪ Microbrew or die ♪

Remember when kids grew up
to be artisan bakers?

Everyone had homemade haircuts and
guys shaved with straight razors.

I mean, I don't remember.
I wasn't born, but, yeah, I've read about it.

Belts didn't really exist yet.
Everyone wore suspenders.

Everyone used to carve
their own ice cubes.

- I thought that died out 120 years ago.
- Not in Portland.

♪ It's the dream of the 1890s
in Portland ♪

♪ My mustache curls up nice ♪

Remember in the 1890s when the
economy was in a tailspin?

Unwashed young men roamed the
streets looking for work.

And people turned their backs
on huge corporate monopolies

and supported local businesses?

I thought we had to support corporations.
I thought they were too big to fail.

Well, in Portland, people raise their
own chickens and cure their own meats.

♪ The turn of the century
is alive in Portland ♪

♪ Welcome to the sausage party ♪

♪ The skinniest strongman
is alive in Portland ♪

So from what you're saying, it's like
President McKinley was never assassinated.

- It's as if the 20th century
never happened. - Exactly.

People took street cars, they rode
inconvenient gearless bicycles

♪ And this modern world's
gone off the track ♪

♪ But you can escape it all
in Portland ♪

♪ A dandy hobo
has a home in Portland ♪

♪ It's the dream of the 1890s
in Portland ♪

[Roaring '20s music playing]

- Hey.
- Hi. What are you doing?

- The Charleston.
- Stop for a sec.

It's the right idea, but you're
kind of maybe a little too 1920s.

- Oh.
- Do this.

There you go.
Get one of these...

[Tattoo gun hums]

- Much better. Welcome to Portland.
- Thank you.

♪ It's the dream of the 1890s
in Portland ♪

[Theme music playing]

Sync and corrections by n17t01
www.addic7ed.com

Thank you, everyone.

Welcome to
our performance today.

May I request that you reach
into your pockets and purses,

deactivate all of
your cell phones...

[Siren wailing]

...and any communication devices
you may have?

Now, we request that you
cheer, holler,

give us any accolades
that you may desire--

[Groaning and booing]

Movie's starting.
Come on, man.

Turn down your siren.

[Booing]

Well, there it is. I'm sure you saw it.
We've got a problem.

Oh, yeah.
"Best PDX hiking spots."

Carrie: Actually,
that part.

We've got a real
P.R. problem right now.

People are just not liking
the cops in this city at all.

It started with this event
that they disrupted.

Oh, yeah. "The best
PDX hiking spots."

No. No, this--
Fred, the big one.

So we need to consider

a kinder, gentler
police force, I think.

Because that looks-- As soon
as you see a cop car...

You get scared,
and you want to run.

Seems like we need to kind of
rebrand the Portland police force.

Even just to change cops,
like cops with a "k."

- You could do, like, Keystone Kops.
- Yeah.

That was, like, the comedy team
from the silent era of films.

Things that spill on them.
Like, a lot of hat switching.

- They all try to get inside
a phone booth. - Yeah.

Or, like, a lot of knocking.
You know, like...

You know, and like...
that kind of thing.

Sam. Sam, we're thinking
maybe Keystone Kops.

- You know Keystone Kops?
- Yeah.

- He loves it.
- You know...

There is something about just the
way they look that we could change.

I mean, what if we just
redesigned the uniforms?

- That's a good idea.
- Is that a hassle?

- Change the uniforms.
- There you go.

That's a great idea.
I like this idea. I like this idea.

Sam, we're gonna redesign
the cop uniforms. That's it.

- Nice decision-making.
- Hey.

Wonderful help.
Who's designing it?

- You guys are.
- I would do that.

- I would totally do that.
- Keep working.

I'm gonna talk to
the police chief-- Lester.

- He's gonna love this.
- Great.

Then... what looks cool?

I like shoulder pads.

Oh, that's good.
Yeah.

Oh, Doug, listen to this.

"Zero-packaging grocery store
to opeon Division."

Zero packaging.
What is that?

Literally, the food
is available in bulk.

It's out in the open.
No packaging. It's in bins.

I guess they think
it's ecologically sound,

and then there's gonna be no
waste, but what about the rats?

Huh.

♪ Zero-packaging foods ♪

- Gimme five.
- Oh, yeah.

♪ We're gonna eat all night ♪

Packaging is the only thing that
keep humans separate from animals.

- This place is made for rats.
- Marketed to rats.

- Yeah. - Wait, guys. Everyone's
gonna find out about this.

We can help that.
We don't have to tell anyone.

We have to really
not tell anybody.

I think our biggest threat
is a raccoon and a possum.

'Cause they're big.
I'm not afraid of mice.

- I'll say right now, I don't
care about mice. - Please.

Mice. I'll look at a mice in the face--a
mouse in the face and just go, like, "What?

- Yes?"
- They're pets.

I saw one the other day.

I couldn't even tell if he was making
fun of me or just being annoying.

[Gibberish]

I'm, like-- I just did it
back to him.

[Gibberish] And he
got scared of that.

Yeah, enjoy your cheese.

The cheese thing is like...
I mean... I think we go for it.

You should call.
[Telephone rings]

- Hi. Earth Lands.
- Hi. I'm a person.

I live up on Main Street.
Well, heck, me and the gang, we're gonna come down

and come to the grocery store,
the zero-packaging grocery--

- So that's not a joke, huh?
- No, it's not a joke.

This is a regular store
with zero packaging.

- What's the rat poison situation?
- Sir, this a brand-new store.

- We do not use rat poisons.
- Yes.

♪ I'd like to eat something ♪

Sorry. I'm looking at this tie
my wife bought me.

Do you have any
little holes and ways

to get into the store?

There is a vent
that blows out hot air.

Thank you very much.
Yes. How awesome.

I think we need to come
up with a specific plan.

Ok, we're gonna go in.
We forage and gather and we gorge later.

Look, I'll just say this.

Everywhere we've gone, we've planned on
carrying things and storing for the winter

and putting it in this hole
and leaving it for later.

- We never do it.
- Yeah, we're not squirrels.

Even when I'll promise, like, "Hey,
guys, this time, let's try to save

so we don't have to do this every
time," as soon as we get there,

we freak out, we jump
all over each other.

We're eating chocolate bars...

I mean, let's just enjoy it
for what it is and just eat.

Ok, but we need to finalize the plan.
John's gonna go to the left.

You're gonna go over to the yogurt pretzels.
You're gonna start there.

Unpackaged foods!

There he goes.

- I don't trust him.
- Nope. Oh, my god.

- A light just came on.
- Oh, no.

Ok, here comes the broom.
Oh, he's not gonna make it.

Uch, there he goes.
Swept out the door.

- Could've been worse.
- You want to go home?

Oh, man, that was insane.

That was insane.
[Gibberish]

You can't control yourselves, huh?
Typical rats.

Welcome, guys. Thank you so much
for coming to the PTA meeting.

Next Friday, don't forget,
is the canned food drive.

I want to bring something up
really quick. Uh...

Sorry to interrupt, but I'm also
not sorry to interrupt. Uh...

I don't know if you guys are aware, but
there is music here in this library

available to our kids

that is something that
leaves a lot to be desired.

It is just outrageous.

Yeah, thank you. I think
what Brendan is saying--

and good job, honey-- is that
there are specific albums

that absolutely should be banned
from this preschool

like Mike and the Mechanics, which,
in my opinion, is a horrible album

and one that we do not want
our child listening to.

I'm sorry. I'd just like...
chime in here, but, um,

you're really overstepping
your bounds here, ok?

I don't want to cause a rift,
but "The Living Years."

That was a single
by Mike and the Mechanics

It's a great song.
It's a prime example of mid-'80s pop.

- What that is is a gateway
to other mediocre pop music. - Yeah.

"The Living Years"--
that song is poetry.

Don't you want your child
to be sensitive?

It's poetry in the same way "The Greatest
Love Of All" by Whitney Houston is poetry.

It is pabulum.
It is juvenile.

They're accomplished musicians and really
kind of honed their craft in the mid-'80s.

What does musicianship matter?

For the Sex Pistols, with the
Ramones, with The Clash--

was that about musicianship?
No, it was about fury.

- I like The Clash.
- I'm sure you do.

"Rock the Casbah."
You know, the classics.

- There's earlier stuff.
You know that, right? - I do. I know.

"Should I Stay
or Should I Go Now?"

Classic.
It was the first one.

It's the same album.
That's "Combat Rock."

- Everyone knows that.
- Yeah.

She probably likes "Rock 'N' Roll
High School" by the Ramones.

[Laughter]

- We all know that.
- Let's be honest...

we're not talking about
our tastes in music.

We're talking about what our kids
love, what our kids are into.

But our kids also don't really
know what they like yet.

Actually, they do, because they can
pick and choose whatever they like--

- From your record collection.
- Yes, ma'am.

- You start small, like,
with Harry Nilsson. - Yes.

With some simplicity, and he
knows what I'm talking about.

Let's talk about Krautrock,
Kraftwerk, Neu.

- Why aren't we talking about Neu?
- What is Krautrock?

- I'm sorry.
- You don't know Neu?

I am getting very stressed out
that the head of our school

does not know about about Neu.

These are the people
teaching our kids.

Our kids are sponges,
and when they leave here,

what they listen to now will affect
them the rest of their lives.

Hey, is this where
we're donating records?

Yes, it is.
Come on in.

I've got-- Oh, god,
what do I got for you?

Talk Talk, the "Back
to the Future" soundtrack,

um, I've got
Temple of the Dog, um...

- I don't want my kids stealing bread.
- No?

Uh, no. We're good.
Thank you very much.

That's so nice of you.
Thank you for donating.

- Thank you. Some other time.
- All right.

- Thank you.
- Love those unanimous votes. Fantastic.

Ok, so next week
is Gender Swap Day.

Uh, Chief Wiley, thank you so much
for having us and for your time.

We've been talking to the mayor

about all the public
relations problems and--

We understand that we've
come to a time in Portland

where people consider police
officers a little bit of a nuisance.

- We don't think that--
- We don't think that.

We've gone ahead and
redesigned the police uniforms

in an attempt to get people

to think of the police
in a new way.

The people who work in this
department love their uniforms.

True, but still, this
softens it up a little bit

so that we're happy, the public
is happy, and you guys are happy,

because then there's no intimidation.
You can go--

We'll show you.
I think you're gonna really love it.

- Please, just take a look.
- Ok.

Tom.

Inspired by Portland's
spectorate culture,

this plain-clothes look says, "Hey,
we can hang out at a coffee shop,

or if you do something bad,
you can hang out in jail."

The t-shirt
simply says "PPD."

Some people know it as
the Portland Police Department,

and we've also heard it as...

Please, please, damn it.

Up next, we have Felicia.

There's not many places
to put the gun,

but she won't need to carry a gun
'cause she can arrest with those looks.

Hands up? I don't think so.
It's hands down the best.

Last but not least,
we have Annie.

Badges? We do need
some stinkin' badges.

These clothes will get you
arrested and are arresting,

and that concludes the
Portland cop uniform redesign.

Thank you, Annie,
Felicia, Skye, Tom.

Guys, come out here. Yeah.

Whoo.

Great job.
Who's this?

It might be the mayor
in his new mayor cape.

What do you think, huh?
What do you think? Hmm-mm.

Well, that was thrilling.
I have an idea.

Starting here, starting now,
why don't you police this town?

Take your little outfits,
go out and catch some bad guys

looking like a damned idiot.

Ok.

All right, well,
you heard the man.

- He said you police the town.
- How hard can it be?

What do you do, you just go around
and go, "Hey, what's going on here?"

- You've got it.
- Is there a problem here?

- Is there a problem here?
- Let's get to work.

Reporting for duty.

Let's hit the streets.

You heard something and
you saw what you wanted to see.

It's the dark,
it plays tricks on people.

♪ Three blind mice ♪

Betsy, it sounds good.
The guitar sounds really good.

Hey, Betsy.
You know Betsy?

- Yeah. Hi. - How you doing? I've
seen you around. I'm Lars.

- Yeah. Lucy. We've met before.
- Hi, Lucy.

- How do you know Betsy?
- Uh, from D.C.

- Me too.
- Oh, that's crazy.

Yeah, I lived there
for kind of a while.

- Do you know Ian who runs the label?
- Yes.

He's got that other band now, but for a
while, he had those other 2 huge bands.

Yeah. So do you know the other Ian?
He was in Nation of Ulysses.

Yes. Do you know Dante?
He had the restaurant for a while.

And you know Zack?
Moved to New York. Which Zack?

- Barracus.
- I was talking about Zack Sally.

- Zack Sally I know very well.
- I know Zack, too. We were very close.

- Barracus. We spent a lot of time together.
- We were engaged for a second.

- Do you know his 2 friends?
- Yeah.

- We live together.
- Yeah.

You know Cathy...
Yes.

- Then you must know Christina. Kathleen.
- Yes.

- There's Kim Colletta. Kim Thompson.
- Yes.

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

Ahem. Yes.

- Do you know Brandy?
- Brandy, what's going on?

Jackson, of course.

We know each other.

Do you know that guy?

Um...

- Do you?
- I kind of--

Hey, buddy. Martino.
Martino.

- Martin, maybe?
- No. I think it's Miguel.

- Hey.
- Lonnie. Ernesto.

- Clark.
- Francois.

- Greg. Gregory.
- Steve.

Yeah, I've never seen
that guy before.

I've seen him, but I don't know him.
Do you know him?

- I don't know him. I don't know him.
- Do you know him?

I don't know him at all.
I don't know anyone that knows him.

Just an unmarked grave.
There's nothing sadder than an unmarked grave.

- If he's dead.
- I'm sure he's fine.

It's real sad. Just another John Doe.
Anyway, good luck.

- You know John Doe?
- Yeah.

- He was in a band with Exene.
- I know John Doe.

[Telephone rings]

Man: Bad Art Good Walls.

We provide art
to coffee shops only.

Oh, yes, it is very bad.
I assure you.

Mm-hmm. Ok.

- Gigi.
- Yeah, Phil.

Got an order
from a new coffee shop

- opening up on Hawthorne.
- Great.

So they got about
500 square feet of space

and needs those walls filled
with some bad art,

so let's see what we got.
How about this?

- It's horrible. I love it.
- Right. Really boring.

- Can't even tell which side it goes on.
- A blurry dog?

That's pretty bad.
The composition's no good.

- I would say throw it on there.
- All right.

- Appreciate your honesty.
- I have something.

- What?
- Looks like student photography.

- That's horrible.
- Black man sitting, looking?

I want it in
black and white. Oh...

- There's the one. I thought
we could do a double. - Yeah.

- Brothers. Twins.
- I like that.

- I love this.
- Oh, yeah. Construction?

- I mean, that says...
- Construction.

I was thinking that
exact same way.

I was saying it, too,
at the same time.

Why don't we go crazy and have
some forlorn red-headed women?

- I think she's quite sad.
- Is she inside or outside?

She's both, so it's nighttime,

- and they built a doorway.
- Great.

We should check with Sean.
He came back from an art fair.

- Hey, Sean.
- Yeah.

- We got a new coffee shop opening up.
- Oh, great.

I heard. I heard the whole thing.
Heard you guys talking.

- Great. Need some help?
- Yeah. Mind coming over?

Sure. You guys got a lot of bad stuff there,
but you know what will make it worse?

Music.

This one's pretty bad.
What is that, a guitar?

- Sounds coming from the sun.
- So not from the guitar?

Nope. Let me think of
what's in my stash.

- Hold on one second. What about this one?
- What is that?

Well, it's a really bad
painting of a man,

but his head is a mug.

Like humor in paintings.
That's awful.

- Yes or no?
- Yes.

It has many levels of bad.

This the bathroom.
Where's the bathroom?

Espresso machine.
Front door. Back wall.

- Does this look like a wall to you?
- I think we're good.

I mean, maybe this
is good like this.

Hold on. Wonder...

Barista is here.
Red-haired lady's over here.

Can I have blah-blah-blah?
Turn around looking for my table,

my friend is here, I'm waving.

Just put it all down
for a second.

I feel like it's one of
the worst collections

we've put together
in a long time.

I agree. I think
we're close.

I don't think
we've nailed it yet, guys.

I think we're close, and I don't
think we've nailed it yet, guys.

- Did you just say that?
- Yeah.

You guys, I think
we're pretty close,

but we're just not--
we haven't nailed it.

I want it to be good.

- I want it to be bad.
- Precisely.

I know. Got it.
Guess what came in the other day.

Oh, wow. Wow.

Is it Macy?

- Macy Gray?
- Macy Gray?

Um, I think...

I think it's the champion.

- It's Muhammad Ali.
- Really?

This is what's gonna fit.
This is it.

That's it.

Excuse me?
I had a question.

How much is that painting?
You know, that one?

Sherman Helmsley.

[Hip-hop siren blares]

Excusas, we're getting some complaints
about the volume of your music.

- Come again?
- Portland police. Turn the music down.

I'm the Burnside police.

- Oh, do we have that?
- No. He's being a wise guy.

You know, we like music.
We're fine with it. I like that volume.

But there's--

- What do you got against skateboarders?
- Nothing.

- You guys need to learn how
to approach people. - Thank you.

We designed these.

- Ok, you know what?
- We were sick of the old uniforms.

Can't believe what Portland
police have turned into, man.

We're sorry.
Look, we're cool.

- Just turn it down. We'll go home.
- You don't look very cool.

No--Really? I mean...

- We are cool, actually.
- Heads up, guys.

Stick it! Aah!

Ok, you know what?
That was sick.

Sick.
Are you sure you're police

or not, like, leading some
marching band or something?

Oh, very funny.
Just please turn it down.

- You want me to turn down this music?!
- Please. Thank you very much.

What? Come on.
Turn that down.

Turn that down.
Come on, buddy.

Fred: Come on, man.
Please?

We don't want any trouble.
Please.

- Hi.
- Hey.

Yeah, we'll go back to
the regular uniforms.

That'll be the best.

Sync and corrections by n17t01
www.addic7ed.com

♪ Three blind mice ♪

♪ See how they run ♪

♪ See how they run ♪

♪ They all ran after
the farmer's wife ♪

♪ Who cuts off their tails
with a carving knife ♪

♪ Have you ever seen
such a thing in your life ♪

♪ The three blind mice ♪

Repair and Synchronization by
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